Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating As a Virgin in Your 30s (w/ Jake Kroeger)

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Dating in your thirties can be nightmarish. Jake Kroeger (Stand-up, The Comedy Bureau) shares his experiences navigating the dating scene as a virgin, the cute story behind his first kiss at the age of 31, and his experience working with a professional matchmaker. Plus, Nicole reads an angry DM from a listener.Want Jake to take you on a comedy tour of LA? Book him on Airbnb: https://www.airbnb.com/experiences/41421You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you came in my elbow fold, I would keep my arm bent and keep it forever.

I would never unbend my arm if that's what you wanted from me. Oh boy, my guest today runs Comedy Bureau. It's a Twitter account? No, it's a whole website. It's a whole website and a Twitter account. Yes. And Instagram and Facebook. Yes, it's Jake Kroger. Hey, everybody.

You always look so dapper. Thank you so much. You always have a nice hat. Thank you. Today you are wearing a tie. I am wearing a tie. With a tie clip. Correct, yeah, yeah.

What brand is this shirt? Givenchy. Yes, Givenchy. Yes. He's a designer boy. Is that what I am? Well, Givenchy is designer. Designer, but like a lot of times people call me like a fashionista and then they're like, but wait, it has an A at the end. Maybe I'm a fashionista and I'm like, I don't know, whatever you want. I think you're a dandy. I get dandy a lot as well. I think dandy is what we call gentlemen who

dress nicely. Yep. And you also, okay, this is a rude question. Is the cane for fashion or for use? It's for fashion. Although, you know when those earthquakes happened? Yes. I had like a month where I had like mild vertigo. Really?

Yeah. It was real weird and really annoying. Oh. A cane helps with that. I see. I had vertigo once when I shot a commercial in Romania. Thank you. Very impressed. Where they hoisted me up in the air because I was playing a fairy.

Oh, wow fairy and then the director would decide what he wanted me to do so I was just this fat woman in a dress swinging around in the air as people spoke in Romanian as to what they wanted me to do yeah it was probably the peak of my career because you're literally up in the air. Yes. So Jake, you are or not dating somebody? Are you single? I am single. I am not dating somebody. Okay. And I have never been in a relationship. Me either. Welcome to a very small club. Actually, it's not a small club. People keep telling me that they're like, I'm also in my 30s and I haven't dated anyone either. Yeah, what's going on?

I don't know. I think it's harder to meet people in this day and age, 2019. I agree. I think it's also harder to maintain relationships with people in this year of 2019. Oh, sure. Everyone be messaging each other on Instagram and Twitter. Yeah. Before we get into your relationship stuff. Sure.

This lady DM'd me on Instagram. Uh-huh. And I want to read this. Oh, please do. Because I don't remember what I said. I don't. Okay. So the backstory is I read her initial DM on an episode of this show.

Okay. I deleted it after I read it because I think it upset me. But then she wrote me an extra long response. I'm going to read it. Okay. So she said, Hi there. I just heard you talk mad crap about my message on your podcast.

I believe you said I was extremely judgmental, but then you judged me for the uns your podcast. I believe you said I was extremely judgmental, but then you judged me for the unsolicited advice I gave you. Advice is in quotes. But it's like, if you gave me advice, that's what it is. But here's the thing. You're in the public eye and therefore have given 100% permission for people

to judge you. I don't think that's true, but okay. You only want to hear people tell you that you're perfect and nothing needs to change, but that's not true in the slightest. Well, that's what my therapist says. We all evolve and change or else we would be the same shitheads we were 10 years ago. I'm not a comfortable married woman who doesn't know shit about reality. I feel for you because you are lost and floundering.

Although you're successful in your career, you are a grasshopper on how to treat people. I don't know what that means. Me either. A grasshopper on how to treat people? A grasshopper what? Grasshoppers don't treat people any sort of way because they're animals. Yeah, they're bugs. It goes on, which baffles me as to why you are confused that no one is willing or ready to take you on.

You have lost all shame and filter. I know you and your fellow comedians and actors will tell you that you're great because you're all on the same train going to nowhere. And then she goes, I know you will mock me. She's correct. And I think you're above me because you have some sort of extra knowledge that I don't because I'm not a washed up Los Angeles skid mark. Wow. And all that. But I'm not a washed up Los Angeles skid mark. Wow. And all that, but I have not had an easy life. I feel bad that you lost your parents, but you need to check yourself. Yes.

But you need to check yourself, girl. Whatever the fuck you're doing is not working. Also, my kids love your show. I know a lot of other kids that love your show. And their parents would never watch it if it weren't for their kids loving it so much. So think about that the next time you get a check, because you shouldn't shit on people

big or small that support you. I hope God comes into your life. Go ahead. Mock me again. I don't care. I'm just a normal fucking mom who's come a long way to have normalcy, because if you were to know what I've been through, you would surely shut your mouth. Not everything is about sex and vulgarity,

but this podcast is. It's easy to be bad and gross, but it's hard to be good and respectful. Count your blessings, not your shortcomings. Things will change. We'll be praying for you. So then I wrote to her, I'm not sure what you're referring to,

but I'm sorry I offended you. Then I reread it. I was like, I reread this. I gotta say, what awful things to say to me sorry I offended you then I re-read it I was like I re-read this I gotta say what awful things to say to me I don't think I said anything about you as mean but let me know the episode of the time code so I could listen but I hear you I see you and if you feel good saying this to me

I'm glad I try to treat people well and make them smile if this skid mark made you smile as you typed then I did my job as far as my comedy I do what I think is funny. Oh boy, this was a wild read. And she has seen it, but she has not responded. Wow.

So. That is crazy. That is. Do you think, do you, do you think as she wrote it, she like thought about it in your voice? Like, I know she's going to read this. So I'm going to zhuzh it up for like a Nicole Byer read maybe yeah I don't know but also I'm like if you hate me so much why do you listen to my podcast something tells me it's not about you she has a lot of anger about other

things I think maybe her initial thing was like you you're not ladylike. And maybe if you cleaned up your mouth, you would find somebody. I think that might have been the initial message. But my friend from Instagram, hey, if you're listening to this, I didn't really mock you, mock you. But like your message was insane. Right. We don't know each other. Yeah. Has anyone ever messaged you anything like that?

Right. We don't know each other. Yeah. Has anyone ever messaged you anything like that? Long, long, long ago, like, back in film school. Oh. Yeah, I started, like, some random blog where I would just, like, write my thoughts. And, like, three months in, I forgot what I even was writing about. But somebody's like, you're an idiot, and this is a poorly thought out argument.

Oh, no. And you should stop writing and like do something else wow and actually i remembered just post-film school i gave a script to somebody who was like a theater person because they asked for me to give it to them and then we had coffee and in person he was like this isn't good i don't know what to do with this it's like unsalvageable dang like to my face and he's like I mean I you're very nice but I uh you got to like do something else dang I okay I'm all for honesty but I feel like if you can't fix something what's the point of criticizing it yeah like to tell someone it's bad, I think it's like, oh, here's where a couple mistakes were made and here's how we could fix it. Yep.

But, like, I don't think that does anybody any good for just saying, this sucks, this is bad. Right. Especially, why are we doing this face-to-face? Yeah. An email would suffice. Yep. An email would suffice.

A text, a phone call if you're feeling wild. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you could just say that it's not good and that'd be it. And I'm like, okay, I'll take that. People are living nightmares. So, okay, you are currently single. Are you looking to get into it? Yeah, I'm looking.

Should I kind of lay out my whole deal? Yes, lay out your entire deal, please. All right. So just turned 32 over the weekend. Yes, happy birthday, three, two. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Like that new version of the happy birthday song.

Just for 32-year-olds. So I'm 32. Haven't been in a relationship. Okay. Haven't had sex. Okay. been in a relationship. Okay. Haven't had sex. Okay. I'm a virgin. Okay.

This is interesting to me. Are you a virgin because of society, God, or your own fears? What a nightmare of a question. Your own fears? Wow. Okay. You don't have to answer. No, I'll answer. It's not a thing that I am ashamed of.

Okay, good. It's not a thing. Honestly, it's a thing because it's not a big priority in my life. Okay. So it's, I mean, not really society or fears. It's I really don't care as much as everybody else. And that gets under people's skin. So when you saw American Pie, you were like, surely I don't identify with any of these gentlemen.

Yeah. I'm like, I mean, really? You were so horny. You just saw a pie? Yeah. He fucked a pie because he wanted to know. Do we have to say spoiler alert for that oh i guess yeah if you haven't seen american pie then that's your own fucking fault the movie came out

in 1999 yeah but jason biggs fucks a fucking pie that's the crux of the movie dad walks in yeah and is like kind of okay with it like he's upset but like okay like if my mother saw me fucking scissoring a pie right she would go nicole nicole there's sugar and caramel inside of you you're sick now we have to take you to the doctor yeah but i guess it's just on his dick but then like what if pie got in his like dick hole but honestly if i sucked a dick and it tasted like pie I'd be okay so back to you being a virgin cool old friends ish oh boy what a treat it would be to have a dick that tasted like a pie anyway yeah so you don't care I don't care I mean I think I used to care back in like high school and like the beginning of college but that's because because, like, as, like, a guy who is, I think, mostly

straight is, you know, every other guy is, like, you know, pressuring you and judging you based on trying to have sex, whether you have had sex, regardless of their own, like, attempts to have sex or whether they're lying about having sex or not. Mm-hmm. So when you go on a date with somebody and say the date, it's winding down, you're at the bar, do you drink? I drink, but I don't get drunk. Okay, so you've had two cocktails over the course of five hours. Yep.

And she's maybe had four, so she's slightly more tipsy than you. Right. And then she goes, oh, she's drunk now. You just did the math in your head? Well, no. The voice came out as way drunker than I thought. Okay. So it's less drunk.

So she's like, okay. So I'm having a really great time. Do you want to go back to my place? What do you say? Sure. Oh, okay. But I'm not going to assume that any sex is going to happen. Okay.

I understand that that's a possibility. Yes. But I probably wouldn't even, like, engage. Oh. I would just, like, I enjoy the company of this person. Uh-huh. And I want to spend more time with them and get to know them better. I mean, I hope that doesn't sound, like, hacky or whatever.

So, in this hypothetical situation, you get to her house. And she's like, I'm not drunk enough. Let's have some more. So then you have one more cocktail. She has two more cocktails, and she goes, okay, you know, fuck me. And what do you say? No, I'm all right. Oh, okay.

This kind of literally happened? No, thanks. Oh, it did? Yeah. Yeah. So I like going out dancing. Yes. I go dancing at least once a thanks. Oh, it did? Yeah. So I like going out dancing. Yes. I go dancing at least once a week.

Oh. Yeah. It's how I do my cardio, and it's also very fun. And I happen to meet some women this way. And one, this was a couple years ago, but I was out dancing. And, you know, if you're a guy who dances on the dance floor by himself, you project a certain level of confidence, and some women find that attractive, and they'll dance with you. And so that's what happened, and this one girl took a real shining to me, meaning immediately started grinding on me. Ah, yes.

And while there were a lot of guys who were like, yeah, this is what's happening, I was like, oh, I guess this is what we're doing now. I need to be on beat. I don't want to be out of rhythm. That's what I was focused oh I guess this is what we're doing now I I need to be on beat I don't want to be out of rhythm that's what I was focused on okay fair yeah I wasn't like oh this is like yeah awesome um so she really went for it like she grabbed my uh hands and put them on her breasts oh okay and I was also okay, that's what she wants. Okay, I guess this is all right. And we kept dancing like for the whole night, and she progressively got drunker and drunker.

And I don't know why I agreed to this, but I agreed to drive her home. Oh, boy. Yeah. And there was about two or three people she almost fought, and I was like, why did I? Okay, so this woman is grinding on you, drinking and fighting people. And you said, I got to get to know her. No, I agreed to drive her home before all that happened.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm a man of my word. And so the place is closed and we step out. And it just rained, so the pavement is closed and we step out and it just rained. So the pavement is wet. Yes. And she bought a, she was so hungry.

She bought one of them street hot dogs wrapped in bacon. You know the type. Yeah. I just, I'm not here for street meat. I just think, where do they wash their hands? Is it clean? How do you clean that grill? How do you clean that? So she gets some their hands? Right. Is it clean? How do you clean that grill? How do you clean that grill?

So she gets some street meat. Right. Would you feel better if they just printed an A and had an A on their street cart? Honestly, probably. I would be like, well, the state checked them out. Yeah. They're just a big blue A. I'm just not going to check any further.

So she bought this street hot dog because she was so hungry and then immediately, this is how drunk she is, as soon as she got it from the vendor, dropped it. Oh yeah. And it's on this wet cement and she's like reaching for it. I'm like oh honey, no, no, no. It's gone. It's done. Yeah. And for like

She's a fighter for the cause. You can't waste food when you're drunk. You'll never get any other hot dogs. Yeah, even though there are plenty right there. For four minutes, she legitimately tried to reach for the hot dog. I'm like, you can't. It's done. Did she get a new hot dog?

No. She's just like, it's gone. I guess no hot dog. She could have just went back to the street lady. She's very, very drunk. Okay. So she's like, all right, just take me home. And as soon as she gets in my car, she's like,

wanna hook up? Uh-huh. And I'm like, no, I'm alright. And then she immediately fires back, are you gay? Oh boy. And I'm like... This is truly haunting. She's reminding me so much of myself. Yeah.

I hate it. Oh no. Because when you hear it being recanted, you're like oh, oh, oh, this is bad. Okay, so was this me? It wasn't you. Okay, perfect. She was barely 5'1", I think. Oh, okay, perfect.

I'm taller. Yes, you're much taller and she was Hispanic. Ah, okay. I'm not Hispanic. You are not Hispanic. I'm a black. Yep. Okay, so this little Hispanic girl says, are you gay? Yeah, she's like, are you gay? As if to, like, I pushed away her advance, and a question of my sexuality is going to get me in the mood.

Well, in her defense, because I have done that before, it is I have been rejected. Right. So it's not me. Right. It's definitely, it's something about you. You don't want me, and I have to find out the reason. Right. And that's the reason that's number one in my brain.

Let's see if you went as far as she went. Okay. So I said no, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not gay. I just, I don't want to hook up. And she's like, okay, really though, you'm not gay. I just don't want to hook up. And she's like, okay. Really, though, you're not gay? For like 25 minutes. Oh, boy.

She's like, seriously, though, you're not gay? And she's so drunk she can't even remember where she lives. Oh, no. So we're like wandering around all around East L.A. And I'm like, oh, God. We're like wandering around all around East LA. And I'm like, oh, God. And I think around minute 17, she's like, all right.

You know who you remind me of? My best friend who was gay and killed himself. Oh, no. And I'm like, what is happening here? Oh, no. Homegirl's out of her mind. Oh, yeah. You can't say that to another human being.

No, especially, I mean, like, I mean, what are you hoping to gain from that? She was like, maybe if I tell him about sadness, he'll fuck me. I think that's the equation she ran in her head. She's like, okay, this is how I'm going to get this done. I'm going to tell him he reminds me of a dead man. That is upsetting. Yeah. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I got her home safely. She made it home fine, and I thankfully have never seen her again. Perfect. That is very nice. I'm sure she thinks about that night often. If she remembers it. Oh, she probably. Oh, you know what?

Since it was just the two of you she might not remember everything she did right because when you act poorly in front of multiple people there are multiple people to be like oh and you did this awful thing right and after you did that awful thing another awful thing happened and you did it yeah we should teach people how to drink. Yes. Right? Yeah. We just say you're 21 now. You can do whatever. Right.

And that's crazy. Right. Should be like, you can do whatever, but like, whatever is pretty bad. Yeah. We have to take a break. And we're back. Just like that dinosaur movie. We're back! Just like that dinosaur movie, we're back! Have you ever seen that movie?

Wait, which dinosaur movie? It's the dinosaur movie called We're Back. It's a little boy who's an orphan who wishes for dinosaurs to come back. Dinosaurs come back, and then there's a circus. And there's the man who's the ringleader of the circus. And then there's a circus. And there's the man who's the ringleader of the circus. He's got like a scar on his eye.

And he wants to have all the dinosaurs trapped in the circus for himself. Oh, my God. How, as an adopted person who loved dinosaurs as a kid, how have I not heard of this? I don't know. It was a great movie. I'll have to check it out. I believe John Goodman plays one of the dinosaurs. And then some cute little kid voice plays that kid. All right.

You got to watch it. I got to watch it. It's a great movie. There's a parade scene where they dance and stomp around. It's a great time. Wow, wow, wow. Anywho. Okay.

So is that the worst interaction you've had with a woman? I mean, it's up there. I mean, like, yeah, that's definitely, definitely up there. There have been times where, like, what I thought was a date retroactively got made not into a date. Probably because I didn't say the word date, even though I, like, drove to her place and, like, picked her up. Like, took her to a show and had her ticket comped and, like, picked her up. Uh-huh. Drove her, like, took her to a show and had her ticket comped and, like, took her to dinner and then drove her back. Like, I mean, but if she doesn't want to call that a date,

then it's not a date. Fair. Yeah. To me, that's a date. I thought it was a date, too, but also it was a terrible time. Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, like, as soon as she got in my car, I think within, like, five minutes, we were

talking about, like, you know, the conversation that society's having about sexual assault. Oh, boy. Like, right at top. And then we went to this Christmas-themed comedy show at Largo. Uh-huh. And one of her favorite comedians was on it, and that's why I took her to that. And, you know, when you're on a date with somebody at a show, you're kind of like looking over, seeing if they have a good time.

I was checking, and she's laughing it up and had a good time, and as soon as we left Largo, she's like, you know I'm Jewish, right? And I'm like, yeah, like we don't like Christmas stuff. Oh, I didn't know that was like a blanket thing that Jewish people believe. It's not. It is not. Interesting. And certainly there's a lot of Jewish kids who like doing Christmas stuff

because it seems more fun than Hanukkah. That's from what I've heard from Jewish people that I know. But it isn't like a blanket stereotype that you just automatically hate. And you had a good time. I saw you having a good time. And then I was like, do you want to get something to eat? And she's like, sure. And then I –

She's like, no Christmas cookies. No Christmas cookies. But I was like, what do you want? And she's like doing that. I don't know if this gets on your nerve, but she's like, I don't know. What do you want? Yes. Yeah.

I do not like, if I ask first, it's your choice. Yeah. You have to choose. Right. But then when I get asked, I'm like, there's a lot of pressure. But then I'll just throw out a couple of places. Right. I just said Thai.

And then she was like, sure. And then as we're driving to this place that I knew was open, she's like, I don't know. Should we go somewhere else? And I'm like, you know what? This has been frustrating enough. I'm just going to drive to the place. And, you know, it was in Thai town, so parking's a little hard. I was, like, trying to find a spot.

And then it was taking so long. At one point, she's like, there's parking over at that place. Why don't we go over there? And then I'm like, alright, I just need to do valet. So I get up to the valet, and the guy's like, oh, that's

$2. And I'm like, I'll pay. It's fine. She's like, if it was fine, you wouldn't have to say it was fine. Haven't even had dinner yet. Yeah, right? Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay.

Yeah, we sit down, and like, it's real tense. I, you know, what do you talk about? I'm like, all right, we're going to just go for an oldie, the weather. Because it's just, it's like, you're mad at me but we're stuck here because we're ordering food yeah yeah and I so I'm like oh you know it's nice that it's getting colder and literally she goes like the weather that's what you want to talk about oh wow she seems like a real treat. Oh, lordy, she is. So I was, you know what?

I kind of just pulled the audible and I was, you know, I'm just kind of like a little anxious right now. I got like this big show coming up and, you know, this is our first time kind of hanging out or whatever. Like, I don't know what you want to talk about, you know? I'm just wanting to have a good time. And then she sort of eased up and talked about how trouble at her job. And it actually ended up being a nice dinner. Oh. And we went and did karaoke after.

Oh, wow. Right. And I, for a time, forgot all the other terrible part of that thing that retroactively became a hangout and not a date. Because we went out again, and I'm like, oh, so this is the second date. And she's like, oh, that wasn't a date that we went on. Oh, boy. Yeah. She seems a little exhausting.

But then again, I don't know. I always just assume if it's just one-on-one, it's either a romantic date or a friend date. But either way, it's a date, and you're, like, auditioning to, like, be in each other's lives for a little bit longer. Right. You want to know something even more wild than that? Yes. So it was only, like, probably a year and a half ago that I kissed somebody for the first time. A year and a half ago?

Yeah, at 31. Wow. At 30, yeah. I don't know if that's, like, truly wild. I don't know if that's like truly wild. I don't know. I think more people, I guess it's, I don't want to say late bloomer because I feel like that seems patronizing. I think a lot of people out there don't have sexual experiences until later. It's just in like movies and tv it's a

problem one two everyone seems super fast when they're younger and they're like all fucking but like i don't know i didn't kiss anyone until i was like 19 or something right or no i didn't fuck till i was 19 i kissed someone a little earlier i don't know but like 30 how is that truly how it happened and the experience itself was pretty great. See? It's nice that you waited. You had a good experience. But the way it happened, it was crazy, because I was just at this bar downtown at a stand-up

show, and I was there to see a friend, and she had just got off stage, and I was, like, chatting her up, and she was like, uh, boy troubles, and I'm like, yeah, I hear ya. You know? And, um, just as I start to get into that, uh, this, this girl walks up to her and she's

like, oh, I enjoyed your set so much. And then looked at me and she's like, ooh, I like your glasses. I wear glasses at night. And, uh. Just at night? Yeah. The DMV told me last year I had to wear glasses for night driving. They tell you that?

Yes. When? How? So in renewing my license, I had to take a vision test. And I did know that they had an extra test that wasn't just looking at a board. There was another test where you have to lean into a machine that simulates night driving. Wait, what? I know. I didn't have to do that.

Well, have you had to wear glasses for a while? I've worn glasses since elementary school or middle school. That's probably why you haven't had to do that. But I also wear contacts. Ah. Do you not wear contacts? Nope. Oh. I've only had to wear glasses since

last year. Oh. Yeah. Oh, how interesting. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She liked my frames, and I'm like, oh, okay. And we were starting to chat it up, and then she's like, excuse me, I got to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back. And so I then turned to my friend, and I was like, yeah, I hear you on the boy trail. You know, honestly, I have never dated, and I haven't had sex, and I haven't kissed anybody, and I'm going on and on. And that girl comes back, and she's's like so what are you guys talking about and I decided to kind of spill it all out there and I'm like yeah well I'm you know

30 and I haven't had sex I haven't dated anybody I haven't kissed anybody and she's like what you haven't made out with anyone shut the fuck up that's what she said to me and I'm like, all right. Yeah, I mean, it's true. She's like, you're lying.

And I'm like, this is a bad lie. This is a very terrible lie. It's also a great lie. If a man, if I was like, if I had three drinks in me and some dude goes, I've never kissed a girl. I'd say, well, you're going to kiss a girl tonight.

Yeah. That's a great plan. That's kind of what happened because she's like, well, hell, I'll make out with you. Aw. Yeah. Uh-huh. And so, of course, me being who I am, I just like kind of bullshit for five or ten minutes until she's like, so are we going to kiss or what?

Mm-hmm. And I'm like, okay, yeah, we're going to kiss. We're going to kiss. And so she, I mean, she takes the lead. She like grabs me and then brings me close to her. And then we have, I would say, a very tender and respectful kiss. Tender and respectful? Yeah.

Like the kind that I would imagine you would want to do at a wedding. Like during the ceremony? Yeah, during the ceremony. On the dance you would want to do at a wedding. Like during the ceremony? Yeah, during the ceremony. On the dance floor? During the ceremony. Ah, okay. Yeah, you don't want it to be too long, but you want it to be nice. I want a nasty kiss at my ceremony so everyone knows we're going to fuck good that night.

Yeah, I'm for that. Yeah, I've never heard of a kiss being described as respectful. I'm trying to envision what that's like. Oh, I guess it would be like soft and nice. It is I'm trying to envision what that's like. Yeah. Oh, I guess it would be like soft and nice. It is. Just like a gentle embrace. Yeah, it was.

I like being manhandled. I like being grabbed and thrown around. Yeah. I like to be disrespected. But in a respectful way where I've said, this is all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what we can do. Yep.

So you'd been on dates prior to your first kiss. Mm-hmm. And at the end of the night, you've just never tried to kiss anybody? No. Okay. Yeah. Fair. Yeah.

I just, I don't know. I feel like that's too forward. Okay. Or perhaps I haven't felt a connection enough to feel this or a gumption to try that. Have you kissed anyone since your first kiss? No. Okay. All right.

Are you on the apps? I'm on an app. Which app? Hinge. Do you like Hinge? No. I mean, so I had never done dating apps ever because I just wanted the magic of meeting somebody in person. Yeah, that's –

I wanted a story. That's not – And I almost had one, but it – and, of course, it never ended up being anything. Like, this is such, like, a start to a romantic comedy. I was at a mall, and I backed out, and this cute girl, like, rear-ended me. And she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I just got back from Europe. I'm so jet-lagged. I'm like, itended me and she's like oh my god I'm so sorry I just got back from Europe I'm so jet-lagged I'm like it's fine it's just a scratch and uh I didn't like file

a report or anything and uh she sent me this handwritten note with a jar of jam and I'm like oh this is great and I sent her a handwritten note back and then. Like through the mail? Yeah. How old timey? And then what happened? Nothing. Oh. Yeah, she was just glad that I didn't file anything. She was like, oh, this man, I better get him jammed. I was swiping on Hinge.

Or no, maybe this was, no, this is Bumble. And I came across this man. And then you know how, like, you get to answer questions? Right. So his question said, well, get along if you rub the back of my neck while I'm driving and not say a word I was like good lord wow then he said perfect first date a place where I could bring my dog because if she doesn't like you well it's been fun wow this is very aggressive I mean I'm sure he didn't write it as aggressively as I'm reading it. Sure. And then he said, I'm totally fine with you loving my dog more than me.

And then after work, you can find me at the gym or cuddling with my dog. And I was like, okay, so this man is looking for a partner for his dog. Yep. Yeah. The profile should be for the dog. It truly should be. Yeah. Which I think is very, very funny.

Yeah, it is. So I, just to see for myself, I signed up for Hinge like five months ago. Okay. And for three months, I was just like on it trying to swipe and all that. Mm-hmm. And like no dates. No dates whatsoever. And I think maybe I matched with six people

and, like, maybe got one question in and then ghosted. What's your opening question that you ask people? I don't have, like, a ghost. I try to, like, whenever I ask somebody something or I comment on something, it's just, like, unique to whatever their profile is. Oh, so you do a little bit of work.

I do a little bit. I try. You'd be surprised how many men you do a little bit of work? I do a little bit. I try. You'd be surprised how many men don't do any bit of work. Well, they go like, hey. They just go, how was your weekend? And I say, great. How was your weekend? I also never really answer people because usually I'm out of town.

So I'd be like, I was in Orlando last weekend. Why were you in Orlando? I was like, oh, doing shows. I don't want to. I don't need to. Yeah. You don't need to know my whole deal before we meet. No.

I just, let's see. Let's see if anybody on Hinge has hit me up today. Let's see if anyone hit you up on Hinge today. Let's check our Hinges. Okay, I doubt it. Like, it's pretty empty. Okay. Like, you could see a tumbleweed coming across the screen or something. Oh boy.

Someone has liked me. Oh, cool. But I don't know where he is. No. I don't know what town this is. But let's see if I'm into him. So he liked a photo of me holding a giant dildo, one bigger than the last one I posted. A bigger than the last one?

Yes. So I have two pictures of me holding dildos. I know the one that you've been having for a long time. Yes. Now I have an even bigger one. That's great. Because I'm trying to attract the wrong person. No.

I'm trying to attract somebody who thinks it's funny. Yeah. Oh, you want to make it more clear that it's comedic rather than some guy's like. Wait, my penis has to be this big? Yeah. Let's see. He says the hallmark of a good relationship is consistency, communication. This is nice.

Honesty, trust, physical slash emotional attraction, and great sex. For whatever reason, I'm like, I don't need to know that. Yeah. Because I feel like that's inherent eventually. I feel like a lot of what he just said is inherent. Like what, you don't want those qualities in somebody? Yes. I mean, I guess if I were to answer the question, a hallmark of a good relationship is we could sit on a couch together and not speak and not feel pressure.

Yeah. That's very specific. And like that better illustrates who you are rather than like a greeting card answer. Right. There's so many of those profiles, no matter what it is, where it's like, how is this your personality? You love Game of Thrones? Does that make you stand out as a person? Well, some people really loved Game of Thrones.

Yeah, most people. You're correct. I've never seen an episode. Same here. I did see like a smidge of one and it was like a brother and sister who were fucking who got lost or locked up in a tunnel and I was like I don't know

if this is for me. This is like a little too much. Yeah I feel like that's the iceberg. I feel like all of it is truly so wild like homegirl's flying on dragons and she's releasing dragons but then she gets mad and her dragons don't like her or something. I don't know. And then her names flying on dragons and she's releasing dragons, but then she gets mad and her dragons don't like her or something. And then her name is Khaleesi and she white. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So back to relationships. Sure. What are you looking for in a partner? I'm looking. And do you want to be in a relationship? So much want to be in a relationship. Yeah, definitely want to be in relationship with one person. Okay. And one person only. relationship. So much want to be in a relationship. Yeah, definitely want to be in a relationship with one person and one person only. Okay, so you're not into this ah shit. What do they call it? Conscious. Oh, dang.

People call it something. Mars, do you know what I'm talking about? Dang, it's like ethical non-monogamy. That's what people call it now. Oh, what a great sounding very, very, ethical non-monogamy. That's what people call it now. Oh, what a great sounding. It's very, very hip. It sounds green. Like you're saving the planet if you do it.

Yeah, like an energy source. I practice ethical non-monogamy. Cool. So you're not into ethical non-monogamy. Nope, I'm a one-person person. You're into ethical monogamy. Yes, very much so. And then what qualities do you want this person to possess?

As an overview, I want to be with somebody that's as excited about being with me as I would be with them. That's adorable. Thank you. I also would want them to inspire me to be a better person. They're a person that I would find that is so good in so many ways that I'm like, you know what? I want to be better. Ah, that's cute.

Thank you. Do you have any physical attributes? It's a very shallow question. Because I have physical attributes that I think I want in a person, but then I've met people who I've been taken with who don't have those physical attributes. Yeah. You know what's interesting? Because of my unique situation, I've gotten to talk to a matchmaker or two.

Oh, and how is—they're expensive. Well, I'm a curious case, so they do it for free. Really? Yeah. I mean, like, once. Oh. Yeah. So, like, they'll ask these questions'll they'll try to be very delicate about it so they're like like i wouldn't even they'll ask a bunch of questions rather than just like oh what do you like you know like would you

say that you prefer blondes over brunettes and i'm like i mean mean, I would, I'm open to all of it. Maybe a slight edge to brunettes, but also if a girl has like a, like blue hair or red hair, I'm preferring that over natural hair color. Fair. Yeah. I want somebody who has a funky sense of style, you know? A funky sense of style to go with your dandy style. Ideally, and I know this is upsetting to a lot of people because I've said it in person, they're like, ugh, gross, Jake. I would love to coordinate outfits with who I'm dating. That's funny.

I don't think that's terrible. I just had a meeting with this writer, and then she was like, did my assistant tell you that she saw you perform? I was like, no, she tell you that she saw you perform? I was like, no, she didn't tell me.

And then she said, well, my assistant said that when she saw you perform, she was wearing a matching sweater with her boyfriend and you looked in the crowd and went, Oh, what are you? A couple that's matching. You're what's wrong with society.

Polly's just joking. Cause I know, cause obviously that's not joking because I don't. Right. Because obviously that's not what's wrong with society. No. But I think when I see a matching couple, I'm like, fuck, they love each other so much. Yeah. I want to be that in love.

I think that's the sort of subtext of that. I think that's really cute. Yeah. Also, yeah, I mean, I think like I definitely, I think it says something about a person when they have a defined sense of style that they ascribe to every day. You know, and they're disciplined about it. I haven't worn the same exact outfit in seven years. What?

How does that happen? I got a lot of hats. Oh, so you could be wearing the same top, same pants, but a different hat? But I got a lot of hats, a lot of ties, a lot of tie clips, shoes. So technically you can be wearing the same outfit but just different accessories. Correct. Oh, okay.

I have been finding I have more shoes than a lot of women. How many pairs of shoes do you have? 83. You know how many pairs of shoes you have? That's insane. Yeah, when I moved to my new place, I felt like I needed to count. 83.

How many pairs of shoes do I have? Let's see. One, two, three, 4, 5. 5 times 1, 2, 3, 4. I don't know. I'm trying to think of my shoe shelf. 30, 40? Maybe 30, 40.

Okay. Yeah, so you definitely have more than me. But then how many pairs of stripper heels do you have? Zero. Okay, gotcha beat. I have at least eight. Yeah. That I never wear for class. Because I can't fucking walk in them.

Yeah, those are so insane. So I practice at night. Yeah. How many inches are those? Six. What? Yeah, and then the four inch ones I don't like. Yeah. So I try to practice in those six inches. Is there like, just like a window of time you can wear that before absolutely needing to take them off like

10-15 minutes? I can stay in them for like 30 minutes. Yeah. And then after 30 minutes I'm like well I'm done. Because it hurts. It hurts your dang feet. Yeah I can only imagine. No I was going to say so the matchmaker asked like

they tried not to say like hot or like. Oh, okay. So the question the guy asked of me was, like, so, like, fit. Would you like someone who would be described as fit? And I'm like, sure. And she's like, great, because that could mean a lot, you know. Sure, that covers, like, your supermodel conventional attractive types. But then also, like, there are a bunch of people who aren't anywhere close to that,

but we're also, like, still fit. We work out and, like, I'm like, yeah, I'm open to that. It doesn't, yeah, I don't need somebody who's real thin. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I find that I'm kind of open to, I find myself attracted to a lot of different types of women. Yeah, I don't think I have a type per se.

Actually, I do have a type, and it's men who are not interested in me. Oh, no. Yes, because I have daddy issues. Did you just answer the title of your podcast? No, because I'm sure it's a lot more than just that. But, okay, here's a question I ask all of my guests. And by all of them, I mean I miss Carl Tartt. And I miss.

Why did that happen? I don't remember. There's one more that I think I've asked everyone but two people. Would you date me? I don't think I would. Okay. No, I'll tell I would. Okay. No, I'll tell you why. Okay.

I have such a low, low sex drive. Oh, okay. That I don't think we'd be compatible. No. I think that would be very aggravating to you. Probably. And I applaud you for being so openly horny. Thank you.

That's great. And I'm glad you're living your best life that way. But that is just not me. Fair. I get that. A lot of people aren't like that. Yeah. I recently asked a dude that I hooked up with a couple times if he would do the podcast.

And he was like, no, I can't think of a more anxiety inducing thing. Also, if you want to talk about it in person, we can. I was like, no. Content. No, I know fully why we're not dating anymore. I'm trying to make another episode of my show. And maybe see you again. And maybe you'll fall in love with me after we see each other again.

Because I'm fully insane. But don't worry, I have therapy right after this. Great. Okay. Well, we have therapy right after this. Great. Okay. Well, we've come to the end. Sweet. Thanks for having me on. Thank you for having – no.

Thank you for being on. Oh, my God. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Yeah, mainly the Comedy Bureau. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's everything you need to know, LA Comedy News site, whether you're a comedian, comedy fan, person in the biz. It has everything you need to know, LA Comedy News site, whether you're a comedian, comedy fan, person in the biz. It has everything you need to know about shows and news.

And if you dare to try it, open mics. And that includes stand-up sketch, improv, clowning, podcasting, screenings, or whatever you want to call under the umbrella of comedy. There's a Patreon for that. Yeah. Because, you know, it's a service that's open for the community and I would like to feel supported at all. So you can find that at patreon.com slash the comedy bureau. I also give tours through the L.A. comedy scene.

Okay. Via Airbnb. Oh. Yeah, like people around the world book me to like see the real L.A. comedy. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's very, very fun. Well, do that. Yeah.

Also, if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can give it five stars on iTunes. You can like subscribe to have it just pop up in your iTunes podcast. Also, you can listen on Spotify. You can listen truly anywhere you want. But if you want to send me something nasty to hit on me, you can do that and I'll read it. So this person said, Nicole, if I was single, I would throw my pussy at you like the big

birthday game because your intro music and your voice sound like my childhood rival, which is interesting. I'm not sure what that truly means. Here is another one. A lot of mixed signals from these messages. Oh, I'm always getting mixed signals. This person messaged me on...

Oh, no. So he messaged me in Instagram, and he said, Hey, saw your profile on OkCupid. Would have asked you out, but didn't want to end up a prop in your comedy. Plus, I'm still in college. And then this other person messaged me, or they sent me a screenshot of the Plenty of Fish message. But I'm not on Plenty of Fish, so someone's catfishing.

You're beautiful in a million different ways. Message me, little sassy pants. You're so sexy. I want to hold you powerfully. So none of those are super nasty, but, uh, very funny to want to be held powerfully. Okay. Thank you. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.