Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Dogs and Werewolfs (w/ Justin Simien)

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

"When he came, did he go AWOOO?"Justin Simien (Creator of Dear White People) joins Nicole to talk about the kinkiest thing he's ever done, teach her about gay "puppy-pack" arrangements, and Nicole shares a story about dating a werewolf.Plus, Nicole's dogs are eating her weed, and she expresses her thoughts on Logan Paul.Be sure to check out the new season of Dear White People on Netflix!You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy, welcome to another episode of Oh Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though I will let you sit on my face and watch TV. Yes! Both things at the same, Am I allowed to talk yet?

Yes. Is that okay? Well, the voice you're hearing is my guest. He wrote, he directed Dear White People. It won a bunch of awards. And then Netflix said, way neat. What? It won like two awards.

That's more than one. That's a bunch. Bitch, I'm waxing poetically about how accomplished you are. Give it. Throw it at me. So then Netflix said, we like that this movie won more than one award. Let's adapt it to a television series. That was the criteria.

So you better believe, dear white people, it's a television series on Netflix. Also, Justin wrote and directed a movie called Bad Hair that I have a part in. Yes, you do! My guest is Justin Simeon! What's up, Nicole? Thanks for having me. Thank you so much for having... Nope.

Oh, whoa. I was going to say, thank you for having me. You know how you're at the airport and they're like, have a good flight? You're like, you too. I did that. You're not going anywhere. No. Where they're like, here's your drink.

And you go, I love you. And you're like, no. Yeah, either way, they're both the same thing. Yeah. Oh, boy. When does Bad Hair come out? Do you guys ever look? Girl, I don't know.

It's independent cinema, honey. So we just, like, have dreams of when it'll come out. But I don't have a date yet. So I'm literally finishing the film in a couple days. We will be finished. So I'll know soon if people want, you know, when they want to do what they want to do with us and when they want to do it. I cannot wait to see it.

I have a very bit part where the note you said when I was doing ADR, you were like, I need this less funny because you're interrupting a rape scene. And you said less funny. And then I went, excuse me, there's shit on my floor. I can't walk around with shit on my floor because I walk around barefoot. And you were like, That was the last one.

But it was perfect. I can't wait for the world to see it. It's truly, like, the script is great. And then, like, getting to watch everyone work was just, like, really cool. Yeah. You have to come. I'm going to show it, like, as soon as we finish it to, like, whoever is just in town who was a part of it. I would love to.

So, yeah, we got to, I got to, yeah, we'll exchange info. I'm excited. Me too. So, did you, I'll talk, we'll talk about relationships in a second, but I'm just fully interested and curious as to how you got into writing and directing. Did you go to school for it? and curious as to how you got into writing and directing. Did you go to school for it? I mean, I went to a performing arts high school in Houston, which is like when I think, I was like, oh,

like there's space for how weird I am and like how queer I am. There's like, there's a tradition of that and I can like make art out of it. That was high school. But yeah, I went to film school too. But I knew, I knew when I was like nine I was like I was literally watching the x-men and I went like I think it's somebody's job to like decide when we cut to storm when she's like you know in the face and when we see them flying I mean that's I didn't have words for it at that age but I just knew it was someone's job to pick

when we cut to things I mean that's literally as close as I could get to describing it. And when I realized that that must have been someone's job, like I wanted that job more than anything else. That's where it started. That's so cool. Yeah, and I just kept trying to find ways to do it and landed in theater and then I landed in film and here we are. I love it. That is such a funny thing that you were like,

that must be someone's job to pick who gets to be on screen at what time. That literally is how my little weird brain did that, you know? And it got excited. I remember the feeling of like, I just remember that feeling like, oh, that's all I want to do is pick when y'all see what and in what order. One of my favorite things to do when I watch movies is to pick out what the audition scene was. Yes. When there's a very long monologue,

you were like, that was their audition. That's brilliant. That is so brilliant. It's my favorite. And then I love a very bit character who's like, coffee's up. You're like, that was their audition. They drove to Santa Monica to say, coffee's up.

Listen, those are my favorite people too. That's why, you know, you have a friend in it too, Gabrus. Oh, John Gabrus, yes. I remember his last name first always. Oh yeah, everyone calls him Gabrus. He has one line in the movie and it lays me out every single

time. One of the characters is poor, but she don't want people to know it, so she's standing in the valet line. She hands him a napkin while everybody else is handing him a ticket. He just comes up to her and is like, ma'am, this is a napkin. It's so funny. It lays me out every time I see it.

He's so funny. Ooh, but back to X-Men. Okay, yes. My favorite topic. I loved the X-Men. I loved Storm. I love Halle Berry, but she is not Storm.

And when they cast her as Storm, the first movie she has an accent. And in between movies, someone said, please stop. Please stop. Because the second one, she does not have an accent.

But then they do the reverse with the new girl. Yes. Right? Where she does have the accent. New girl, I think, is really great. But to me,

I want Angela Bassett arms. where she does like have the accent new girl i think is really great but to me she's she like i want angela bassett arms i want i want like it's angela bassett right to have a body it was always in my mind it should have been angela but i don't think she wanted to do i think she turned it down actually but then she's in black panther yeah but back then we didn't know superhero movies were gonna be cute yeah i guess so back then we were like't know superhero movies were going to be cute. Yeah, I guess so. Back then, we were like, that could be. That could be the Fantastic Four, the first one. Exactly. And the second one.

And the third and the fourth. No, I don't think we knew. It was like the last comic book movie was like Batman and Robin when they had the nipples. What was it? And it was terrible. Like that one. With Mr. Freeze. Yes, Mr. Freeze, child.

I was so disappointed in that film when I was a kid. Can we please get a Storm standalone movie? I think it's time. I want it. She's such a good character. She's a great character. She actually is a great character. And I realized, just kind of thinking about it,

the fact that Storm was a powerful black woman from Africa, but also, remember, she was always claustrophobic so you had to be careful. She was always struggling with something. She was flawed and interesting. She's a very... I don't understand why we don't give me what I want. And then let

me be Storm's fat friend who's like, Storm, it's hot. Make a gust of wind come. Wait, Nicole, my friend drew you as Storm, Ian. Oh, Ian. Yeah. Ian O'Fallon. Yes, he did.

Yeah, yeah. I loved seeing you as Storm. I thought that was so awesome. He is so wonderful. He's a talented guy. He's talented and he is quick. Yes, he's super quick. I tweeted that and like an hour later he had that.

And I keep offering him money because I put on a t-shirt. And he don't want to take it. He don't want to take the coins. He was like, please donate to something in my name. Let me donate to the ACLU later this month for him. I made a book that like three people bought. Thank you so much. It's called Dear White People as well.

I wish it was called Dear White People colon as well. I'm going to think about that. But it's called Dear White People. You have to now have a podcast that is also called dear white people so you cover every entertainment media i'm over it people i'm over this i love the title but i'm ready to you know i'm ready to do something but you know i'm ready to like give myself a different branding i guess but um but yeah he did the illustrations for the book for my book dear white people which is much more like you know that that book actually goes into like i I'm like describing, you know, the housewives at that time.

He drew all of these brilliant, like. He's so talented. So talented. I love him so much. Love him so much. We love you, Ian. Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian. I just like seeing myself as a cartoon.

That also makes me so happy. Me too, by the way. I've been trying to figure out how to... I have this really dumb idea to pitch as a cartoon. So it's called The Adventures of Water Baby. I'm in. And it's about a little girl, me, who's named Water Baby. And Water Baby talks like this.

Oh my God. What does Water Baby do? Water Baby fights evil in the ocean. And she's got like a seahorse friend and then like a little fish friend. And then a begrudging friend who doesn't want to go on adventures with Water Baby, who then goes on adventures with her. And then I guess like at the end they like learn something. don't know no i'm so ready for water baby are you crazy i want it i want to be the seahorse can i be the seahorse yes okay i just want her to be like a

fat little cherub who's just like dancing around and going on adventures and she wears like a little bikini and she's like water baby what I love is what I love okay I wasn't ready for the hook okay my favorite thing about water baby

is like a black child in the water like period just by that that is so radical you know what I'm saying it is because we are told

to stay away from water from a very long age we do not swim it's do you swim what Do you swim? What do you mean? Like, yeah, I mean, I get in pools of water. Does a hot tub count?

I bougie swim. So if you fell off a yacht, would you die? Oh, yeah, I would die for sure. My core strength isn't where I want it to be, if I'm being honest. Yeah, I guess I don't swim competitively, no. I don't swim competitively, but, I mean, if a current took me out while I was, like, at the beach, I'd be able to I'm being honest. Yeah, I guess I don't swim competitively, no. I don't swim competitively, but I mean, if a current took me out while I was at the beach, I'd be able to get back to shore. You'd know what to do about it.

Yeah, my mom made sure that me and my sister, I don't know if my sister swims now. I don't think she's been in a pool in like a decade, but she made sure that we took swimming lessons. Yeah, yeah. She didn't want us to be the little black kids who are like, I don't know. You know what my shit was? I got fat as a little boy and I didn't want to take my shirt off in the water and stuff. Fair.

And then they start making fun of you for keeping your shirt on. Yes. And that's when I was like, I'm out. You know what? I'm out. Cause I'm trying to be out here in this water and enjoy my life. Now I don't care. But at the time. Oh, I used to wear a t-shirt.

I was so subconscious. And pants sometimes. Oh, not pants, wear a t-shirt and pants sometimes. Oh, not pants. Not full pants. And I would just like make it a joke. I'd be like, you don't think I'll get in here with my pants on? They're like, no, you won't. I'm like, no, I will.

Because I'm definitely afraid that someone's going to say something to me and it's going to put me into a spiral. And then I'll never want to show my face at school again. Yes, girl. It was. I feel that. I feel that. But yeah, you learn these little defense mechanisms to be like, yeah, I'll say this wild thing and then you can't make fun of me. But you know what I love about you, though, and what you just said about like, you know, you just want this big old little cherub girl who's just free and all that stuff.

I love that because part of it is just we don't see our bodies, like black people specifically. We don't see our bodies in the world like that. You know, like you see less of us in general. So the ones that you do see, like it's still like a narrow range. So like it's very ebony cover. You know what I'm saying? I'm responsible for it too because the cheekbones in my cast, I can't. But, you know, we don't get to see what our bodies look like

in all their different various forms like in the public like that. And I grew up in a black neighborhood, but I went to a white school. So like there were no chubby black kids to show me the way to share, you know, to share my, uh, all I have with the world. I didn't know. I didn't know I could do that. So with Nailed It, kids really like me, which feels insane.

But then I was like, all of them want but then i was like they need you so bad all of them want to meet me the kids need you and i've learned that i just have to say two nice things and i go you ever heard about taxes and then they don't want to talk to me anymore uh for whatever reason no matter how old you are the word taxes is bad yeah oh no i just left a little bit actually in my mind but half of me left the interview i don't want to talk about that. What accent was that? It's fine. I think my favorite thing about kids liking me is like a little fat girl can sit at home

and be like, oh, she looks like me and makes a living eating, and I love to eat. And by the way, you're beautiful, Nicole. Yes, I think I'm gorgeous, but I also understand. The thing that's keeping us apart is my homosexuality. Yes, yes, you is good. I think I'm gorgeous, but I also understand. The thing that's keeping us apart is my homosexuality.

Yes, yes. You is gay. I'm gay. You is married or you is committed? I is not married. We's committed though. We five years.

So in gay world, five years, you know, that's pretty much an institution at a certain point. Yeah. That's the only thing keeping us apart, Nicole.

I think you're beautiful, girl. Thank you. That means a lot because I am sitting here without makeup on. Well, no, that's a lie. I'm wearing very light dusting of makeup. I'm dabbling in the light dust, you know? I mean.

I saw myself in a couple pictures. I was like, oh, her eyes are tired. I think. Ooh, she's sleepy. Now she has a little bit of the Tom Ford concealer. She also, you know. Tom Ford comes in our color? She comes in our color, honey. There's like a little bit of the Tom Ford concealer. She also, you know. Tom Ford comes in our color? She comes in our color, honey.

There's like a little concealer stick that I take with me. Oh. And, you know, especially when, you know, I've enjoyed being in California with all of its fresh herbs and whatnot. You know, you just need a little bit of lift. Yes. A little bit of lift. You know, and I'm learning that a dusting can go a long way. I think a lot of men can really wear makeup.

I think so. Whenever we would shoot, so the last show I was on, not the last show, Girl Cup, one of the first shows I was on, the boys got makeup

and then after every shoot they'd like wipe it away with a makeup wipe and I was like, why not go into the world looking good for once? Oh, I love it. You know what it was?

It was a photo shoot. That's what turned me out. Someone gave me, someone had the nerve to give me a light beat and I think it was like one of my assistants assistant was like oh yes light beat and i was like you can see me like it was very if my friends could see me now and i went i went to some store and was confusing all the ladies by being in there but i was like i want to learn

they hooked me up yeah i think men should wear makeup. I don't think... There's like men's makeup brands, which is like inherently stupid. Yeah. Because like, men's skin's different. It's tougher. I'm like, okay, cool. Yeah, go to MAC. Go to MAC and get you some tinted concealer.

Get the real stuff. Get some tinted moisturizer and fucking look good. Yes, honey. Just look good. That's all I care. Your makeup rubs off on me. Who cares? My makeup will rub off on you. Can I ask you a makeup question that I asked my cast yesterday? They were like, Justin, get out of here.

Are you supposed to smell it all day? Like the makeup? Do you smell the makeup all day? No. I smell it all day. It's weird. Maybe it's because you're not used to it. I've been wearing makeup for... Maybe that's what it is. It's the tinted moisturizers in particular. I'm like, I just feel like my face smells made up.

You might be wearing an expensive brand. Oh, well, I've been known to do that, honey. Because there's this new brand that I got for free from doing a show. It's called Sunday Riley. Very expensive. Yes, fancy. And their night cream has this real smell to it. So like when I turn my head, I'm like, oh.

Yeah. It smells luscious. I don't hate the smell. I just feel very, you know what? I feel like I'm Diane Carroll for like a split second. I don't know why she comes to mind, but I'm just like, oh. I don't know what that is. I just, I dynasty come like that's that makeup smell.

I love it. Reminds me of just bougie, rich white people and Diane Carroll. Anywho. I can't wait to be super, super rich. I want to be on a yacht. Oh, it's going to happen. I want. Oh, it's going to.

I've never been on a yacht. It's going to happen. Oh, it's definitely going to happen. I want it. I want it. I want it for you. I want to be on the yacht as well. My grandma used to say, baby, you claiming and it's yours. Yeah. I want it. I want it. I want it for you. I want to be on the yacht as well. My grandma used to say, baby, you claiming and it's yours.

Yeah. I'm claiming. I want a yacht. You're a manifester. I can tell that about you. I do believe in manifesting what you want. And then I'm a real believer. And if you see someone who has what you want, find out how they got it.

Yes. And then you don't necessarily have to do the same things, but you have an idea of how they got there. So you can tailor it to how you want to do it. Absolutely. And like I've had a couple people ask me, they're like, I really want to get into writing. I just don't know how. I'm like, read scripts. Yes.

Or read books. Figure out a style you like and then write to that style. And then by your, like, tenth thing you've written, you probably have developed your own style. That's right. That's exactly right. And I think people are like, I couldn't possibly just copy someone. I was like, well, why wouldn't you copy someone who's been successful? That's how everyone starts.

Yeah. Like, when I started doing stand-up, Queens of Comedy, a huge influence. Monique was a huge influence on me. My opening joke was, I don't do it anymore but it was uh how's everyone doing everyone's like good i'm like let me ask you a question ladies uh have you ever put a snickers bar on your pussy and really let someone eat you out and then and it's from this interview that they did i think it was for like cosmopolitan or like Allure or something but it was like too dirty to be printed

so it ended up on like Jezebel or something. It is one of the funniest interviews I've ever read. The interviewer barely asks a question. I love it. These women just go to town

and at one point Monique is like you gotta put ice cubes in your mouth and really suck on his dick because then because then the coldness is tingling.

He's gonna love it. Not the coldness. Oh please don't. No one ever do that. Maybe it was some more. No one. My boyfriend is the only one sucking my dick.

Let's keep that clear. I don't want my mother to think that anyone but my boyfriend. I hope your mother listens to this. I really hope she never finds out. I hope she never finds out. But the joke comes from, I think it was Monique

or maybe it was Adele. I don't remember who it was, but they were like like you ever put a strawberry in your pussy unless someone ate you and then they're like strawberry but you don't want to grab the green part no girl put it in the other way it just made me laugh so hard so like i just like borrowed that until i was like, okay, my voice is a little dirtier, but let me figure out from my experiences how I can translate how I want to say them. But for now, I'll borrow this. Yeah. There's nobody that you love, nobody, who didn't start by doing the same thing.

Yeah. When you hear about Michael Jackson, what do you hear? Well, he was a little boy, and he would watch Jackie Wilson, and he would watch James Brown, and he would emulate them backstage. And so now when he's 18, we just think because they're so young that they just came out that talented. And it's like, no, you watch people.

They did it, and so that's what Da Vinci, they mastered what everyone else did so that they could remix it and make something new, but you can't do that without the mastery part. Yes. You can't. And I watch like

Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams. I do a lot of act outs and they're very much inspired by them. Like I try to give every act out a different voice

because that's what they did. What's an act out? Oh, so an act out is like in a joke where you said it's just like so I went to the store and this man was like, oh baby, I won't fucking eat your ankle.

I don't know. First of all, stop telling people about how we met. So that's the first thing I'm going to need you to stop doing is to tell people my business. You would think I've done improv for almost a decade. I wanted to eat your ankle so bad that day. And you so cold to me i know i'm really sorry now you're doing act outs about me it just like came out of nowhere i'm really sorry that you're in my act right now i'm talking about you but i see what you're saying though you got that from them yeah yeah yeah that's great also like being okay with yeah whatever, that's what it is.

See, the thing about what I do, the cinema, you know. The cinema. There's so much that people don't know or don't remember that, like, you know, everyone's always looking for the reference in my work. Like, I always say, oh, you remind me of a young Whit Stillman. And I'm just like, I don't know who that is. You know. But part of it is that, like, you can kind of kind of there's no nothing is new in cinema for sure.

Like you watch movies from the 20s. You're like, oh, that's where that came from. Like I swear it's like crazy. The stuff that they've been had already figured out. So you kind of like the fun thing about the movies is that you can really find all these niches that like the culture has sort of forgotten about or isn't on anymore. Like there's a whole like, you know, the first independent filmmaker was a black man named Oscar Michaud. Like, people don't really know that.

People don't think. He was the first independent. Like, he did it on his own. He had his own star system. There were hundreds of movies starring black people and made by black people that literally no one has seen because they don't teach you that in film school. They don't play on TCM or whatever. And if you can just, if you just, you can't expect stuff to come to you.

You got to go to it. And when you do that, you get rewarded. There's so much great stuff to steal that no one will ever know where you got it from. I mean, that's the tea. Really bums me out. I didn't realize that the first independent film was made by a black person. There might be some technicality to it, but he's the, he is

when we think of independent film, like we talk about Quentin Tarantino, we talk about all these people who went out and did it. He is the thing that they're all emulating. They don't even realize it. But he was like told no by the white establishment so many times. He wrote a book, tried to make a movie out of it. They wanted to do it the white way or whatever.

And he was like, no, I'm just going to do it myself. And it was such a crazy concept that anybody would do that, let alone a black man. But honestly, it truly, it makes sense. Yeah, right. We got to do that kind of stuff. We ain't got no choice. People don't let us do shit. So you got to just like figure it out on your own.

That's right. Yeah, I just, just man just the things that black people have to go through like but like i was having a conversation with my friend the other night and i was like there's a white lady selling bonnets for 150 because she was like apparently it's better to have your hair in satin than on a like a pillowcase and we were like yes yes yes and it's like we've been doing this. Been on that, boo. We've been doing that. Remember when white people discovered coconut oil?

They discovered coconut oil. They discovered cornrows. Call it boxer braids. Yeah. They try to say that they're the superior race. But then I'm like, look at Serena Williams. Well, hello. Look at all of us.

Look at Donald Trump. And then I was like, okay. So people will bring up, well, if black people were better people, they wouldn't have been enslaved. And I was like, but like the way you enslaved us was by taking us away from our resources, isolation, not teaching us. And then we were so strong that you were like, we should mix them to see if we can get stronger ones. Yes. Because we're inferior. Y'all did that. Yes. Let me tell you what the song. so strong that you were like we should mix them to see if we can get stronger ones yes

y'all did that yes let me tell you what the song oh wait hold on i also learned that like a bustle that makes you like you know like back in the day like cinderella her stepsisters had like the like butt busts or whatever that is because people liked our butts in dresses that's right and i was like so everything that's been trendy. Are you ready for this? Yes. So Kim Burns Jazz. Yes.

I feel like a broken record except like nobody really listens to me. Like when I'm on Twitter, I'm like, I get two likes for saying shit like this. But like Kim Burns Jazz, it came out in the 90s. It's a documentary that goes,

it's like 18 million hours long, but it goes through like every decade that jazz existed. Watch it. It will it first of all it's brilliant first of all and the shit that we came up with that we that they didn't tell us we actually came up with it is mind-boggling we i believe have really laid the land for modern music oh in ways when when you watch this documentary you're like and and then you'll be

able to like say that in an argument and tell people exactly when it happened and with who, which artist. It's so great. I believe, I can't remember who, so like the person who invented rock and roll is a black woman. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that until recently. I was like, what? Yeah, yeah. Who, what?

And all of that, all of the rock and roll stuff happened first in the jazz era. It was the same thing. Black people came up with it, but black people couldn't play anywhere. And so the white people said, okay, well, we invented it. Don't look at that Negro in the back. That's kind of what, that's how jazz, it's the same. You just see it repeat over and over and over again through the decades, but it all started in the 1900s with jazz and black people doing jazz.

It's wild. I thought the Cotton Club was like a place for black people to like be. Yeah. No, you couldn't go to the Cotton Club if you were black. Only patrons were white, but all of their performers were black. All of them. And I was like, what a perfect place for you to just steal stuff and then go on the road. And then the Chitlin Circuit, that's like the south where black people would go tour.

Like, it's. Yeah, you're a woman after my own heart. You like history. It's so interesting. You got to watch Kim Burns Jazz. I will watch it. And the other thing about it that's great is because jazz was a euphemism for two things. Weed and cum.

Yep. Yep. They liked good music, fucking, and smoking weed. And white people didn't know that's what it meant. So they went around, jazz, have you heard about this thing called jazz? That's so funny. And white people were like. Oh, you hear her? Molly says she liked jazz, y'all.

You know, that's what they did. That's where it's all shade. That's so funny. I love that. Right? Like, there was, like, a whole several decades where white people were like, oh, my God, jazz. And black people were like, uh-huh, yeah, what else do you like about jazz? And then it's so funny that, like, white people, like, the whole weed thing right now is really peculiar to me.

Oh, yeah, of course. That, like, now it's okay. And they found it. earlier today. Oh, yeah, of course. That, like, now it's okay. Because they found it. You keep seeing these, like, articles about yoga moms who are like, we do yoga. And we, like, take some CBD oil and really get to be, like, one with ourselves.

And I make $2 million a year when, like, Tyrone is in jail because Tyrone was selling, you know, nickel and dime bags for a long time. And you want to know why Tyrone's in jail? Because he's black. Well, let me tell you why, though. Let me tell you. You got to watch this shit. It's so good. It's because Louis Armstrong smoked for a long time. And you want to know why Tyrone's in jail? Because he's black. Well, let me tell you why though. Let me tell you, you got to watch this shit. It's so good.

It's because Louis Armstrong smoked weed all the time. And they were trying to figure out how to get him. And they were trying to figure out how to get these black people who had gotten way too comfortable

and were spreading, you know, the negro... The good word. You know, spreading negroness to the white children. They were trying to figure out

how to get them. And they couldn't just come out and say being black is illegal. So they created a word called marijuana that did not exist. And it sounded vaguely Spanish to people. So that's shades of a different race. And they tried to catch us on it, you know. And they tried to make people think, oh, this is like, there's so many articles about how, like, you know, five negros on the marijuana plan went crazy and raped five white women.

You know, that kind of thing. They were trying to catch us. And that's why. And then a bunch of white people were like, actually, weed doesn't make me rape. It's actually pretty chill. Yeah, it actually keeps me from raping. It's so insane, the things that we're doing.

And then, so I just learned about sundown towns. Appleton, Wisconsin, a town I'll talk about forever, is a historic sundown town Portland is a town that was made as a white mecca their housing laws are so fucked but then I learned about a black town

I cannot remember where it was but it was like black businesses black people and it was thriving and it was doing really well and then they got like bombed

yeah they like destroyed the town like They like destroyed the town. Like the government destroyed or like the cops and stuff destroyed the town. And I was just like, this is literally insane. Here's another one. Here's another one for you. Duke, I'm like rereading all the Duke Ellington stuff and his biography. He talks about how his mother was actually, they were actually well off. They were they were wealthy and but what was happening is that like black people were having money for the first time and they would go to new york and try to find housing and they'd go of course because there's no housing in new york to this day that wasn't then either you go to the parts where the white people have moved out yeah there are homes available there are places available and so what did they

do they were so uncomfortable with black people moving into their cities but they knew that those black people had nowhere else to stay. So they gave them, they told them they literally would charge them four times the rent. So they'd be forced to move into these homes with multiple families and, and, and scrounge up the rent. And they knew that they couldn't go anywhere else.

Cause who would take a Negro family? My God. And so they took these wealthy black people and they made them poor again. And now you got it. Now Duke Ellington comes out. He has to start all, not Duke Ellington, I'm sorry, Langston Hughes. You've got to start from scratch. Even though your parents and your grandparents have finally built up some wealth,

it literally was taken from them so that they could live. And you've got to start over again. There's also like a statistic that says that black men statistically will not make more than their parents. I did. So take that statistic. I will never be a statistic. And the reason like I've been thinking about all of this lately is there was this woman and I swear we will get to relationships eventually,

but there was this woman in North Carolina who called a group of black women, stupid N words. And then on television it was was like I'd say it again they were making my anxiety go through the roof and I was like good on you ma'am I would love to know who's a racist be overt with your

shit then there was another white woman they showed me this clip on MSNBC and that was my response I love it you sipping on a gift you said where to tea because i was like tell it let's know yes like preach the good word like say it loud say it proud you know i don't need these veily or thinly veiled things like trump is tweeting truly he's spending his whole summer vacation being racist just do it just do it out loud out loud. You can see me. So let me see you. Let's know.

Then there was that woman who she was like a Trump organizer or something. I don't know. In like in Ohio. She said something about unwed babies, which made me laugh so hard. But she also was like black people. These babies need to be married. God damn it. They're unwed babies and I don't like it.

But she said black people have been in this country for years and years and if you're not succeeding it's your own fault and i was like but like we just gave so many examples of how it's not our fault like it's so batshit but this whole country's wild it's batshit but that's what you gotta watch kim burns jazz because it tells you why it's batshit okay because you learn at the dna level at tells you why it's batshit. Okay. Because you learn at the DNA level. At the foundation level, it was batshit there. Yes. So everything built on it is the same kind of batshit, but just in a different way.

Lincoln, back in the day, yeah, he signed the Emancipation Proclamation, but also was trying to figure out a way to get us out of the country. Oh, yeah. To send us back to Africa. They were trying to make all kind of concessions. Because even when we were free, they were still trying to, I mean, Ava talks about it in the 13th. That's real. They were trying to find a way to get it, to still have the slavery and to still have the, you know, pay us nothing so we can build your country for you.

They were still trying to have their cake and eat it too. But tell us that we were free. It's so wild. It's wild. We have to take a break. Let's so wild. It's wild. We have to take a break. Let's do it. And we're back. Okay.

That was a good break, girl. Thank you. We got a lot done. We did. We did our taxes. We both did our taxes and showed in Afghan. So you are not single. I am not single. I was for a very

long time. Oh, you were? For how many years before? Rick is my boo. We've been together for five years, but he was the first in only five year long term. Before then, it was just a lot of unsuccessful attempts. It's experimentations. Ooh, experimentations.

Like what? What were you experimenting with? Experimentations. Being loved? What were you experimenting with? Experimentations. Being loved, you know, just trying to be in love, all these little apps that they had me on. Oh, so you've been on apps? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was trying to figure out when apps appeared, and I truly couldn't figure it out. I met my boo off an app, actually. Oh, you did? Which one? We met on Tinder. Oh. Because for homosexuals, five years ago, I don't know what it's like now, but Tinder, you didn't really need Tinder to hook up. I mean, there were a multitude of ways to hook up.

Grindr. Yeah. Adam for Adam. I was too fat for Grindr. Going to Mickey's. Scruff, I could get some love on. There was something called Growler back in the day I used to get some love on. You know, because I had a belly and stuff and a little beard

so people thought I was cute on those apps but so you would go on Tinder but you weren't a bear I don't think I don't think black people fit into those categories

as easily but no I'm not I don't know what I am you would be a cub I'm a cub or like a you would be a cub that went through puberty fast

you know what someone called me a mink I like a mink a mink yeah because they're black and they're slinky I don't even know what a mink is me neither for sure but it A mink? Yeah, because they're black and they're slinky. I don't even know what a mink is. Me neither, for sure,

but it sounded cute. Anywho, so we met on Tinder because on Tinder you could meet guys and go for a drink. It wasn't like, it was, because back then it was like, you know, you had OkCupid, which was like, bitch, do we qualify on an 18 point scale to even look at each other in the eye? You know, and gay men are always

just looking for a reason not to date your ass, so like OkCupid I could only get so far on. And Tinder was just a way to like, you could just have a drink with always just looking for a reason not to date your ass. So like, okay, Cupid, I can only get so far on. And Tinder was just a way to like, you could just have a drink with somebody and it didn't have to be a date that was going to end up in marriage and it didn't have to be a hookup. It was like something in between. And that's how we met. And we met right at the time when everyone said it would happen.

Like when you stop looking, that's when you, and I had stopped looking cause my movie had just came out. I was cute. But you weren't looking cause you were on Tinder. i wasn't looking for you know i wasn't looking for the for the long term oh you was looking for all quick i was looking for a little sip and see yeah a little sip and see at that time and that's when i found that's when i found baby cakes um and you guys live together you share your lives together. That's so cute. It's super cute.

You have two cats? Three cats? We have two cats. They're our children. What are their names? We're really gross. So they have several names. Jack and Taylor are their government names, but they also go by Buns, Bun Buns, and Tay

Tay, and a myriad of other names as well. That's cute. Yeah. We're gay and we smoke weed, so they have a lot of names. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm. M-hmm and we smoke weed, so they have a lot of names. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. When I get stoned, I'm just like,

I don't know what your name is. Oh, I have names. Dog? Come here. Dog. Come here, dog. My little one loves to eat weed. Yes.

If it is at his level or on a counter, he'll fucking find it. Oh, he's going to munch it up. Does he get high? Yeah. Yes. It's like funny.

I once thought he was dying and that was like very traumatic for me. Of course. But the last time he was stoned, it was very fun. Oh, God. I like got home and my roommate John was like, all right, Nicole, Clyde's stoned again. And then like on cue slid into the foyer and was just wobbling you gotta put your

weed away though he finds it on walks okay but then this time he found it because it was in my backpack that's valuable

and he unzipped the fucking backpack he wants it he goes to it he goes to lengths to get it it's like

I leave the house and this dog grows hands he can open doors I've caught him just on the table and I dog grows hands. Oh, my God. He can open doors. I've caught him just on the table, and I had him locked up somewhere. I was like, how are you? He's like negotiating international peace treaties. Yeah, I feel like the little mice who live outside and the squirrels come inside,

and they go, we'll help you. Yes. It's exhausting, but I fucking love him. Yes. So when did you have your first boyfriend? Like high school? Boyfriend child. No. How dare you?

First of all, I was raised Catholic. So being gay. Wait, a black Catholic? They're all kind of black Catholics in the South. Yeah, because my mom was Creole. So there's like a Louisiana kind of Catholic tradition that I was raised in. So I didn't have a boyfriend in high school. I didn't have any of that.

The first boyfriend I had was in my 20s. Okay. And I don't know that I would even classify it as a boyfriend now. But at the time, it was like the most important relationship I had ever had. And it was this dude who was like, you know, super fine. I was really into him physically. But, you know, he didn't really see me, you know, I kind of was an accessory, but I would take that at that time, you know, as good as I could get.

So I took it. I am very quickly learning or not learning. I have learned in the last, actually, since I like started doing this podcast that, uh, I need to know what my worth is and what I accept and don't accept. And if someone is treating me like an accessory or an afterthought, I will always be an accessory or an afterthought. I can't change someone's perception of me. People show you their true colors pretty immediately. Pretty soon. Yeah.

Pretty soon into it. And then I like, this is my last like hang up is when someone's like, I'm not just I'm just not into you. And I'm like, but if I text you, maybe if I do something, if I remember me and maybe we'll go out again and maybe you'll be fine. And I like a couple months ago was like, stop texting him. Like you have to just stop it. Well, you know what it is to Nicole is that you and I are gifted children. And there's a book called The Drama of the Gifted Child that I'm referring to at the moment. And gifted children, you know, we learn very quickly to figure out how to make the people around us happy and accept us and be calm because that makes us feel safe.

So we get really good at reading people's emotions. And before we're even aware that we're altering ourselves to make them happy, we're doing it. And we just think it's us, you know? Yeah. And there's a certain point where you have to, like, separate the performance from who you are. And the thing that was, like, so new about Rick was that, like, I actually had a bunch

of anxiety when we were dating, but I still wanted to see him. And the reason why is because he just loved me the way I was, and he wanted me. He just wanted more of me he already he saw it you know I didn't have to do anything in particular and that freaked me the fuck out I mean it freaked me out that like I don't have to do anything what do you mean me as I am I don't even know what that is don't look at me like it was crazy like I had the craziest reaction to simply just someone just being like, no, you don't have to do anything. Just come over.

You know? Yeah. I feel you on that. That's what I was freaked out. And it was like, he came along right at the cusp of learning where I knew not to run away from that feeling. You know? But maybe, like, a few months before, then I would have ran for the hills. You know?

Yeah. like a few months before then i would have ran for the hills you know yeah because that's like a real tough thing because as a creator or like an actor a performer you're like i'm making content that hopefully people will like yeah hopefully they'll like me yeah all right during the show you guys are being a real rowdy crowd let me fucking figure out how to make you like me yeah and then in a lot of relationships i'm like i need to figure out how to make you like me. And then in a lot of relationships, I'm like, I need to figure out how to make you like me. So then the thought of someone actually just liking me is terrifying. Well, because you spent your whole life hiding yourself.

Yeah. Because when I change to alter and fix somebody, it doesn't feel like I'm hiding, but what I'm actually doing is I'm ashamed of myself as I am. And I'm trying to get as much distance from them seeing me just as I am, as I can, as I possibly can.

And you don't know that's what you're doing, of course. But that's why it's so scary because no one has seen that, you know? There's like a couple people in my life who like see me and know that I might be smiling and I might be like really funny in that moment but later they'll be like you do seem a little off are you okay and I'm so grateful to have those people in my life and it would be nice if that person was a person who fucked me as well listen it can happen it

will happen it'll be you first you know you gotta do it first I or you might be do it like I had to learn how to do it in the relationship. You know? I started seeing a new therapist, and one of the first things he said to me, he was like, you know, you're not in your body the way you think you are. And I was like, like, I literally fell apart emotionally in front of him

because I got so good at playing me and playing authentic and playing like, hey, it's me, Justinin i got so good at it that i forgot i wasn't me i forgot i was actually like it was like me in a in a in a person-shaped corset you know what i mean it was like i was curated like the stuff i said i kind of had rehearsed at some point i had all of it and when he that to me, it was just like he saw right through, you know. And the thing is, like, I was so good at it that, like, my best friends didn't know I was, didn't realize that that's what I was doing, you know.

And that's what, that was like a few months ago. So, you know, I've been in this relationship for five years. I'm still learning how to do it. It's interesting because I think you think you become an adult you're like i'm an adult i live on my own everything stops i stop growing and it's like nope it is a constant evolution yes you have to be so cognizant that you have to keep working on yourself you just want to and i've just been working on myself for such a long time and it's exhausting.

It is exhausting. You know, I thought about you because I saw, we were in New York for like a press tour thing, and we went to Caroline's, the comedy club. But we were on like a Sunday. It was like a Sunday matinee. So it wasn't really that busy, and the people that were there were like, they were tourists. I mean, like. Caroline's in the heart of Times Square.

Yeah, it was not like a sophisticated crowd. And the comedians are there working on their material. They're trying to build, they're trying to figure out their set list. Some of them openly are preparing for other sets later. And I was just like, God, the job of that. You're literally standing in front of these people who are so pedestrian, and they don't get what you're doing. I mean, it was like me and Rick and these two black guys,

and we laughed at everything because we saw it. We got what they were doing, but some of the other tables didn't get what you're doing. Nope. I mean, it was like me and Rick and like these two black guys and we laughed at everything because we saw it. We got what they were doing, but some of the tables didn't get what they were doing, you know? And like, that's just got to be the hardest job because y'all get it from every angle. You get it from your actual audiences on a daily basis, but then you get it in culture because you misstep or something or you say something that the kids weren't ready for and you're in trouble. And then everyone tries to cancel you.

Yeah, but the point, the whole point of it, the whole point of being a comedian is to push the boundaries so that we can have space to talk about things that we are afraid to talk about. You know, and I just adore that. And you do that. Like, you do that in everything you do. Like, Nailed It, which is where

I discovered you, to my complete joy, what I love so much about Nailed It is that y'all are celebrating the mistakes. Even in the way the show is made. Like when you do something and it's hilarious and you fucked up or the wig ain't all right. Or someone left. I remember the first season when someone just leaves and goes to pick up their kids. And y'all just left that stuff in.

That is so great. Never been angrier. That is so great, though angrier that is so great though because like you're giving us permission to not be good yeah to be black

and not be good like that's daring that's daring Nicole cause you know we're so like we're so Essence Magazine like we are

like we think we have to be so perfect and polished just to even show up and for you to be on that show being so authentically you and showing us that we can make mistakes and be fabulous.

I just, I love it. I just, I don't know how to be anything else other than me. I do do this thing though after like, so I'll perform for an hour. I scream a lot. I'm like pretty physical. I'm like giving you my everything during that hour. And then I do a meet and greet after. And I, people I think get confused because I'm pretty quiet.

Because you're not that person all the time. Well, because I'm exhausted. Yeah. And then you're trying to steal my energy. Can I tell you a meet and greet story really quick? Yes. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, you don't have to.

Don't be sorry. We saw Janet Jackson in Vegas a few days ago. And Lena Waithe was with us, so she got us backstage. And, you know, Janet, she was like, I've been awake since 2.30 in the morning. She's exhausted. She gave us everything. Demita showed up. Janet showed up, too.

Miss Jackson showed up. All of her names showed up. And she's backstage exhausted but you know what though like she this is actually I don't know if I'm saying it a lot

this is actually not related to your story so I just wanted to segue it back to me but she's backstage she's exhausted but we make eye contact and I literally

put my face my like hands in front of my eyes because even though like on the outside she's exhausted and she on the outside she's exhausted and she's polite she's like oh my god i really want to fucking go home inside in those eyes though i got it i got why that's that's a star right there it's startling her presence yes

behind the eyes i met beyonce briefly yes that's all you need that's all you need smell the air of her walk by you. Rich people have a different perfume than all of us. I don't know where they get the shit from. But I also met Dolly Parton. Same thing. Same thing. Rihanna has a good smell, too.

I keep hearing from people. It's not heavy. No, it's light. It's just opulent. And you can like, and you smell it after they've gone. But it's not overpowering. Like when you're in an Uber and you're like, did you drench this in cologne? You don't smell the alcohol.

No. You just smell the fragrance. Yes. And she looked like she was floating. Granted, it was the dress. Yeah. But the way she moved. Also, she was being carried by a cable system.

It's fine. Yes, she was on cable. She was suspended from the air. But like, she spoke to me and I was like. It was. I don't get starstruck often. Yeah. But it was true.

I truly was like, I get it. Yeah. Same thing with Rihanna. If Janet walked up to me, I'm in a five year relationship. I am a homosexual. I am hard at whatever number that is on the Kinsey scale. If Janet walked up to me and was like, hey, do you want to go to bed? I would be there.

I think everybody would. I would be there and be square, honey. She has it. She does have it. She has it. You know who also has it? So I got to work at the MTV Video Awards like three years, four years ago. I got to like be close to all these people because they had us stationed backstage when people were entering and exiting the stage.

In hindsight, poor planning, bad floor producing. So good. People were so angry that I was just in the way being like, I'm here at the MTV Video Music Awards. So angry. And also, I wasn't wearing, I couldn't hear myself.

There was no monitor to hear myself. So like, as I was screaming, literal screams were being televised. I'm just like, and people were tweeting,

they're like, this bitch is annoying. And I was like, I sure am because I couldn't hear myself anyway. But then I got to see Britney Spears and I love Britney, but I was like, you are a shell of a person. Yeah, it wasn't in the eyes the way it is. It's like a vacant apartment building in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was very, but then when she performs, you're like, oh, okay. It comes out, yeah. Yeah, it was really, it's just interesting. Yeah,et was the opposite because she gave you the whole show but then backstage like she's got nothing left to give like she is physically tired she has a child at home like it's a whole thing but in those eyes though you got it you get why that's that's not you know some of the others not latoya now that's not you know some of the detective latoya not detective toy is not some of the other girls in the 80s that we ain't heard of no more.

Ain't talking about it. Ain't Lisa Lisa. That's Janet, you know. I know we're supposed to be talking about sex and stuff, but I got a bunch of stories. Tell me a story. Oh, God. I have a bunch of stories. Tell me one.

What? Well, I love to sneak dirty stuff. That's my stuff in the show. Like, I'm not saying this is me specifically or anything, but Lionel, everything dirty Lionel does in Dear White People, I or somebody else. Somebody you know has done it. There's, like, two of us that, like, sneak all of our stupid little,

you know, like, there's a scene where he goes and he sees the underwear of his roommate and he just, like, picks it up and like smells it has this like you know have you smelled someone's I have never and I never will in my whole life for me I don't think I did in college no really oh yeah girl I don't it's disgusting it's disgusting it's a pheromone thing you know it's like if all the chemicals are up in there it wasn't dirty okay it was, you know? It's like all the chemicals are up in there. It wasn't dirty, okay? It was just, you know, he was in between practice or whatever.

Because some ladies, after they take off their underwear, if you bend the underwear, they crunch. Well, that's, I don't know, nothing about that. Your face fully changed. Well, because ladies and underwear crunching, those are all the things I don't want. Sometimes your pussy be dripping. Listen, good to know.

Good information to have in my back pocket. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Kinkiest? Has anyone ever shat on your chest? No, I think the kinkiest thing I ever did is I was, well, this isn't the kinkiest, but it's a good story. I was in this threesome in college with two men who were now married to women. And I remember at the time realizing I was not really that attracted to them as much as I was attracted to the story of it. And it was like my roommate initiated this thing.

And sorry, Mom. My roommate, like, initiated this whole thing. And it was like he wasn't fully gay yet. And this other dude was not gay at all but they was gay and they like chocolate too I think about it all the time they just married

and happy I'll never say their names I wonder if they're wives I know you know I don't know sexuality is fluid y'all they could be both it is

it is I was in Raleigh North Carolina and I was having a really great time at this show, and the crowd was really great. And then sometimes I do crowd work. A lot of times I don't because sometimes they're not interesting.

But then I was like, I don't know. This crowd seems hot. I was like, tell me something bad that's happened on an app. And this one guy was like, so I went on a date with a werewolf. And I was like, I said, okay, so did you know this person was a werewolf before or after the date?

And he said, during the date, he said he was a werewolf. And I went, and what happened after that? And he was like, well, on our second date.

And I was like, you can't teach timing like that. One, two, I was like, you went on a second date with I was like you can't teach timing like that one two I was like you went on a second date with this person also this person was like trying to give them the full werewolf fantasy they were like in the forest at one part I'm kind of I'm leaning in though I was kind of like I gotta know more about this I'm not recoiling from the idea I mean after they were like yeah we were like in the woods and then I had to meet them at his house because I guess he like changed in the woods. Okay.

First of all. Oh, my God. Like Michael Jackson in Thriller style. The moon came out and then he came back. Oh, yes. I was like, was his sex at least good? He was like, sure. Was.

Sure. Gotta be. He's a werewolf. Right. And then I said, when he came, did he go, woo? And he laughed too hard. And I was like, that means yes. Well, you know what I'm realizing?

My kinky stuff ain't shit compared to what the children are up to today. Do you know the noodles and beef thing? What is that? Girl, noodles and beef. I'm probably going to get in trouble by the game off if we're speaking on it. But it was this puppy. I don't even know what the right name of it is. But it was like a puppy pack.

And there's like a daddy. There's like a wolf. Wait, what is a puppy pack? So forgive me, homosexuals, if I'm saying it wrong. Okay, I'm not the proper ambassador for this culture. But there's like this thing called pups where you like, it's like usually like a younger guy and an older guy with several other younger guys. You know what I mean? In the house. Okay. Like, it's, like, usually, like, a younger guy and an older guy with several other younger guys. You know what I mean?

In the house. Okay. And some of them, not some of them. This is not a part of the culture, but there was a story about a couple called Noodles and Beef. And that was, like, their Tumblr name, right? And they were all up on the Tumblr showing off, you know, their bodies and stuff. And I remember, like, because, you know, I've been on Tumblr once in a while, you know, in search of the pornographies. Yeah, before they banned it all. Yeah, but they were, like, Tumblr famous, you know, I've been on Tumblr once in a while, you know, in search of the pornographies. Yeah, before they banned it all.

Yeah, but they were, like, Tumblr famous, you know, and, like, they were all over it. And there was a moment I was like, huh, their asses are, like, getting really big. Like, they're really working out. Oh, my God. Is that his package? Like, is his, like, dick the size of a watermelon? Like, what the hell is going on? Turns out it was that silicone, honey, and one of them died. Like, one of the watermelon? What the hell is going on? Turns out it was that silicone honey and one of them died. One of the puppies died of the silicone.

And the master... I shouldn't be laughing. This story's insane. It's insane! It's insane and I'm following it online. So a puppy died of silicone injections. One of the puppies died of the silicone injections and the master,

I think his name was Dylan. Sorry, Dylan. Your business is already in the street, though. So Master Dylan gets online pretending to be the dead puppy talking about, I'm great or some shit. It was like he was hiding the death, hiding the cause of the death. Because the truth is it was one of the rules in his pack that everyone have the same silicone implants as he did and so it just shattered first of all this illusion that i had that this was their actual bodies first of all but it didn't open my eyes like oh my god there are traps everywhere for

the children looking for love like god everywhere and i can see the appeal because you're like you know you're 20 something you're like well why shouldn't i join a gay cult you want to be in a family it's kind of the guys are hot there's no real monogamy you And you're like, well, why shouldn't I join a gay cult where I get silicone? You want to be in a family. It's kind of hot. The guys are hot. There's no real monogamy. You can do whatever you want or whatever. You just got to get a little silsel here and there. Justin, this is the wildest story I've ever heard in my life.

Oh, my God. Puppies and masters and silicone. Oh, there's a whole culture there. I just learned yesterday that there's a whole culture on YouTube of sugar babies who make videos and talk about how they get money. Those are words that I understand individually. But what are you talking about? I just learned that on YouTube. Uh-huh.

Sugar babies? Sugar babies, like girls who get money from men. When you say babies, though, what age are we talking about? Oh, like adults. Okay, thank God. Sugar babies are adult women. You never know. I know. Sugar babies are adult women. You never know. I know.

Sugar babies are adult women is the quote I'm going to take with me. I think a baby who's like a literal sugar baby I think is human trafficking. Okay, that's what I thought as well. Yes. But you know, language. No, not the one who decided that this is for her. Yes. And then they like just talk about stuff.

And I was like, ooh, that's so – I want to interview a sugar baby so bad. Yes. Because my main question is, okay, so you're making a lot of money now. Yeah. You have a lot of expensive bags now. But are you choosing the right brands where the prices increase? Like get you a Birkin because you can always resell a Birkin for more money than you pay. Yes.

Are you investing in bonds? Are we investing – is it a sugar investment? Yes. Like are you – they're giving you money, but like are you spending it all? Or are you investing? I want to know too. Because there is a great way to be a sugar baby,

but also put enough money away from retirement that you never ever have to have a real, like a legit, like on the books tax job. I don't want to say that being a sugar baby is not a job. Well, that's the thing. The noodles and beef opened my door too, right? Because first of all, like the pups, and I've met a few and I've talked, you know,

had conversations and it's like, it actually, there is a real fraternity. There's like, you know how the Greeks were always fucking other men in the hot tub? There is a thing about us as a species where like gay men, it is, it's a fraternity mentorship. You have an older man looking out. There is something there that's actually very positive.

It's just, you know, in the hands of gay men, things just tend to turn, honey. That's what it is. But it opened my eyes to this whole subculture of Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter famous people who get money from, you know, the Patreons and the OnlyFans and all that stuff. And it's like, it's literally, you can sit around all day, smoke weed, go to the gym, and just live with all these men and literally get paid. It's really wild. That's the tweet. You can get paid.

I got into a Logan Paul hole yesterday. Wow, did you? Do you know who he is? Yes. He has like 14 million fucking followers on Instagram. I was like, 14 million people know who this person is? And you know who he is? Yes. He has like 14 million fucking followers on Instagram. I was like, 14 million people know who this person is? And you got in his hole? Yeah, well, yeah, I climbed right into his hole.

I said, let me eat you out, baby. Honestly, that sounds great. Yeah. Is he going to call back? No. But I just was like, oh, so this is humor for other people. I won't say he's not funny because humor is subjective. You won't say that.

Comedy is subjective. But we heard it. Well, you can read between the lines. But he makes a lot of money. So he is funny to somebody. And then he has a brother. And I learned about the brother who had a fake wedding to this other woman who was a reality show on MTV. Then I watched a bit of that.

And that is just white women with plumped up lips to look like black women with extensions in the hair like black women. And they're like, he's going to propose to me. And like at one point, what did she say? She was like, oh, my God, I'm having a fucking disaster. You bitches need to fucking help me plan my birthday not you bitches

wait what's this show called I don't know it was like Somebody Turns 21 like Tubu first of all Somebody Turns 21 is the name of the show

that I want to be watching Topi Turns 21 Topi I think Topi's married to the Paul the Logan Paul brother I might not be able to make it to that show to that screening

honestly it's really hard to keep up with all these Instagram famous people. It's a lot. And I kept thinking, I was like, this is wild. But I was like, oh, no. Back in the day, movie stars were movie stars. And then TV stars became TV stars.

And then internet stars became internet stars. And now they're social media stars. I wonder what the next thing's going to be. Virtual reality stars where they come into your house and they're like, I'll make you pancakes. Did you see that Black Mirror episode with Anthony Mackie and them? No. Oh, you got to watch the Black Mirror. What happens on it? That's the future.

I don't want to spoil it for you. You can't spoil it. I'll Wikipedia it before I watch it. So basically they go online. Okay, spoiler. If you don't want it spoiled, skip ahead. Okay, so they go online, and they're playing a game in their heads. There's this little device.

You know Black Mirror. There's always some device that you put in your mind or whatever. And so it's like virtual reality. They're really there fighting. And he's fighting as a really cut-up Asian man looking like Ryu from Street Fighter. And his buddy, his homie, this other black dude, like macho ladies' man dude, is playing as like a Chun-Li type character,

like this woman, like very busty, whatever. And they're fighting, fighting, fighting. And then they're just like, and they start fucking. And then Anthony, and so now it's these two macho black men. One is married. One is out here in these streets with all these ladies. But in their minds, they get something out of playing in other bodies, fucking each other. And it it's like what do we do with that and

i'm like that's gonna be the next thing like that's there's we're gonna have a name for that because it's it's real it's like if you could not only have sex with any person you want but you can be in whatever body you want for just the sex not your whole life not to walk not to live as not to perform at but just for the sex part you can be like an Not to live as. Not to perform as. But just for the sex part, you can be like an Asian bitch and get it in. People are going to do that and they're going to have names for it.

If you could be a different ethnicity to fuck, what would you be? I like being black too much. I love being black. I love being black. I oftentimes think about if I woke up white, I would kill myself.

Oh, it would be so boring. Not to be rude. There's nothing wrong with being white. No. I just like, I love the color of my skin. But you also have to like learn, you have to learn to love yourself as a black person in this country. And when you get there, it's just like, well, I'm not going to stop. You have to go back. Okay, wait, but I got to bring it back to Kim Burns jazz

because I'm a nerd. But like, that's what swing was by the way. That was the basic bitch jazz. Like everybody, everybody loves like Kalamazoo, like all that crap. That's what America loved. And all the people playing it were black. And they're like, this ain't jazz. Like nobody black thought it was cool, but we all had to play it. Cause that's all they let us do. So it's like, you're, you're kind of describing it to me, like something that will always be with us, which is basic assness. There will always be room for basic

assness and all the on TV and film and the internet. All of it, you know. We gotta be better. We gotta, you know. You know what? I'm really excited that Lil Nas X's Old Town Road is, I think it's now the longest. How much do you love him? He's adorable.

I fucking love him. He's very funny. Oh my God. That song, you can't deny that it's not fucking catchy. He said some tweet like, I used it last year. I was sleeping on someone's floor and I was broken. Now I'm gay. I fucking lived. Oh my God, I lived so hard.

He makes me laugh so hard. And then his EP is so good. Yes. If you don't like hip hop, like you don't like trap music that's like popular right now or whatever, he's got something for you on it. Yeah. You like a little bit of trap, he's got something for you on it. Yeah. You like a little bit of trap. He's got something for you. Like Panini Don't Be a Meanie is iconic.

What a great lyric. He's so good. He inspires me to be my best self. Right? Yeah, he really does. He keeps joking about how people are like, oh, so you're only going to remix Old Town Road for the rest of your life? He's like, yeah. Why wouldn't I?

That's what you want. People like it. I give it to you every time. And the video is great. He's great. You got a little Rico Nasty in there. You ain't never seen nobody like that. You ain't never seen nobody like that. That's what I love. He's just so fun. And then I love that white people are like, you can't be

on the country charts. And then I was like, alright, good old Billy Ray being an ally. He turned that no into a yes. I'll make it happen. And then every interview he did, people are like, congratulations, Billy.

He's like, congratulations to who? I didn't do it. I just guessed it on the track. There we go. And I'm like, Billy's an ally. That's what allies do.

You step up to help us and then you get out of the fucking way and let it shine. Then you get out the way. That's right. That's what an ally does. That's right. If you go to a Black Lives Matter rally, don't be interviewed.

No. Pass the mic to a black person. Don't wear that t-shirt everywhere. No. It's fine. You know, play your part. We played ours. We played ours.

We've done a lot of. We've covered. We've covered a lot of material. Of talking. Mm-hmm. Did we just get down to it right now? Did we just move these mics out the way and just have it? Let's fuck.

Okay. Marissa would be so upset. Rick is Did we just move these mics out the way and just have it? Yeah, let's fuck. Okay. Marissa would be so upset. Rick is going to be into it, by the way. My boyfriend is going to be into it. No, I think it would be really upsetting if that ever happened. Be like, well, I mean, I like Nicole, but she keeps fucking in front of me. Listen, it's fine. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to. Okay, so we've come to the end. I ask, oh, you already said you would date me. Yes. Yes. Oh, we can do it again. So we've come to the end. I ask. Oh, you already said you would date me. Yes. Yes. Oh, we can do it again. No, we can pretend like it. No, no.

You said you would. The only thing. You said it earlier. You were like, the only thing stopping me is. Homosexuality. Homosexuality. Yes. And my preference for dick.

Yes. Jesus has blessed me with a preference for dick. And I can't help it. I mean, who doesn't love a dick? So. Do you have anything? So, Dear White People comes out August 2nd. Yes, it does. You don't know when Bad Hair comes out.

No. Do you have anything else you want to promote? No, I think just watch Dear White. If you ain't seen Dear White People, you put it on because this is still the window. Do you think people need to see the movie first or can they just start with the series? No, and actually I think the third season is,

I think it's the best it's ever been. It's a different energy than the previous season. I think you could really just jump in. You won't get as much because we are shady and we pack a lot in and there's a lot of payoffs and plants and all that good stuff because I'm a nerd and I love cinema

and I love what I do. But you can watch season three, get your life, and then go back and watch. I think I would highly suggest that so that I can get renewed, please. Yes. Get a bitch renewed. Watch my shit.

Oh, wait. I'm trying to find. Someone from the LA Times today asked me, like, okay, if you could sum up your new season in three words, what would it be? And I said, watch my shit. Those were the three words what would it be and i said watch my shit those were the three words so whenever people are like uh uh what are they they're like do you want to add anything else and i'm like uh yeah i like uh single men who want to date me and uh love me you know what i

want to add nicole can i ask something yes, yes. So I got into this thing where like somebody was like, you know, all hail the queen of pop, Madonna. Without her, we wouldn't have. And they literally listed like every female artist. And I wrote something back like, I love Madonna, but like, can y'all love her without pretending like Janet Jackson didn't exist except the blueprint? And then people got mad about that, of course, and thought I was coming for Madonna, and I wasn't. But somebody was like, ha, ha, ha, you know, Janet's not that old. But here's what the kids don't really know. Janet Jackson, I'm going to say it loud to Nicole Byers' audience, God damn it.

Say it loud, say it proud. Janet Jackson's self-titled debut album of post-disco bops beats Madonna's by a full fucking year. Dang. Janet Jackson comes out in 1982. Tops beats Madonna's by a full fucking year. Okay. Janet, the album, Janet Jackson comes out in 1982. Same music as Madonna,

1983. They're both Queens. Y'all don't do it to me, but I just want y'all to know the history. Okay. Give, give Janet her, her do.

That's right. I'm trying to, I'm trying to take anything away from this episode. Give Janet her. Obviously I'm trying to make out with Janet Jackson. away from this episode give Janet her obviously I'm trying to make out with Janet Jackson I keep talking about I think you should

do it I want to do it I hope it I hope that prophecy is fulfilled for you if you like this episode of why won't you

date me please subscribe on Apple music or whatever yes you can listen to it on Spotify you know if you

listen to it you know how to do it. Rate it five stars. If you send me something nasty, I'll read it. This isn't anything nasty, but this is a fun message that I got today. Nicole, I had a sex room about my ex last night, which is like whatever. It happens. But I've been thinking so much about that vivid and unsettling message about putting you in a handstand and putting clam chowder in your

puss oh that's what that that is what wait that that was what i dreamt happened to me oh that was what i dreamt happened to me okay yeah someone sent me a it was honestly to this date the most unsettling message anyone's ever sent me the children subliminal messages and dreams and i'm so sorry that you had a sex dream about being turned upside down into a handstand and filled with clam chowder and then that person

oh yeah so like the message was like I want to turn you upside down fill you with clam chowder and then like

fill you with the clam chowder not just put some on there but fill you up with it and then eat it out which means I have to stand in the hand upside down

I'm upside down and the clam chowder is in your throat at this point because you've got a mouth on the other end. That's too much. That's too much. Is it hot? I believe so. That's fucked up. Whoever wrote that, just know that I will probably talk about that to the day I die.

It's the best message, the worst message. That sentence, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, applies to that fucking message. Wow, fill you with clam chowder. You're haunting people you've never even met. Oh my god. I will take, you know what, and I'm going to now take that with me everywhere I go as well. I want to be 90 years old sitting in front of somebody giving an interview one

day, and them going, what was the moment, Justin? And I go, it was the moment Nicole told me about being turned upside down and filled with clam chowder that i knew i had to live my destiny i want to give that story i want to give that testimony one day please do all right okay watch your way people bye This has been a Team Coco production.