Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating During Coronavirus (w/ Jacquis Neal)

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

"We're all just on Zoom trying to date people?"Jacquis Neal (host of Culture Kings) joins us remotely while in quarantine to discuss what it's like being cooped up with your S/O in isolation, how people are dating during the COVID-19 pandemic, and if you can stay friends with an ex. Plus, he shares the cute story behind his Disney World proposal. Meanwhile, Nicole has started taking therapy sessions from a Costco parking lot.Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you have coronavirus, I would still kiss you! Oh no!

It's called desperation! My guest today, oh my goodness, he hosts culture kings uh you've seen him on bless this mess liza on demand it's jacques neal hey what's up nicole coronavirus partner yeah i mean we are recording remotely i assume you're at home i'm at home i'm chilling on the couch i got my cat on the couch you know uh i got some sunlight at the back of me i'm i'm chilling i'm chilling what kind of cat do you have i have two cats i got a a black cat and i got a tuxedo cat oh my black cat is a nightmare why she's aggressive she mean man. She mean to me. Like she meaner to other people, but she mean to me. My tuxedo cat is sweet. He like be chilling and just on my lap and stuff. So I love him. Well, I would imagine the tuxedo cat is nicer

because he's always dressed up. He's like, yo, I got to be dapper. I got places to go. up that he's like yo I gotta be dapper I got places to go I got things to see I got places to go people to dance with mm-hmm I got money to make how long have you been in your house oh for like the teen for the teen yeah for the Rona for the Rona I've been I've been I've been teening it up since Thursday? Maybe Thursday or Friday. I can't even remember. So, like, a day after they announced the NBA was done. Because, like, that fucked black people up.

Because before that, you know, black people was like, man, we can't get no Corona. Get out of here, man. We good. And then when they was like, yo, we canceling the NBA season? You know, the homies was like, oh, shit, let me stay my ass in the crib because it became real then so that that was me well you saw me at that table read where I hugged every single black person in the room and I know he can't corona and now I I'm walking that back because Idris Elba he's got it so you know I was wrong damn well look that was how long ago was that?

That was like a week ago, that table read or something like that. Right. It was like maybe a week and a half ago. Honestly, the days are just blending in. They are. They are. So you know what? Just going to keep drinking and keep smoking and live this rony life. That's what I've been doing. The other day I took mushrooms and watched black Christmas, which is a terrible movie, but I had a great time. I don't even know what that movie is. Is that like one of those,

uh, like Morris chestnut movies or like one of those? No, I wish it was. I love me some Morris chestnut. No, this is a bunch of women who were in a sorority and the fraternities were killing the sororities because

they hate women. It was not great. It's a horror movie. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yes. Are you in therapy? Am I in therapy? This could be therapy for me. I'm not currently in therapy, but I'm not opposed.

No, I was asking because yesterday I had a therapy session and I didn't want to have it in my house because I'm quarantined with my roommate and his boyfriend. So I was like, you know what? I'll go sit in a parking lot. So I went to the Costco parking lot in Atwater and I sat there and I was like having moments with my therapist. I like cried a little. And then I looked around and I was like, there are four other people crying in their cars. Is everyone doing social distancing therapy? And I was like, I think so. I think so. I think it was. So I'm sure at least half of those people were crying because they were doing social

distance therapy and the other half were crying because they haven't been able to find toilet paper so like times times are tough i can't hang out with my friends i can't shit i can't do nothing i want to do those are constipation cries like at least two of those people do you have toilet paper i do let me tell you what i got nicole okay i got toilet paper i got i got body and face wipes just in case i need it i'm not flushing those for every all all my all my you know plumbing conscious people out there i'm not flushing them but i also have a psa don't flush them they're not biodegradable they're not they fuck your toilet up uh but i also have a bidet so look at god look at god god god has been good god is good uh and

all the time and all the time god is good so i've had a bidet for like two years now so i've been on that bidet life already so all i got is like eight rolls of toilet paper but that's gonna last me for like two to three months oh yeah probably so when do you use the toilet paper like after a big old monster shit i i mean i still use it after every one just because i don't like wet ass um so I have to I have to still like wipe dry but that's it all right all right this is good this is I I like this plan you know you ain't walking around with a wet ass but it's a clean ass it's a clean it's a clean booty okay jookies are you single are you dating what's your deal so i am not single oh i don't even know if you could call it dating because i've been with my significant other since 2008 so wow

i don't even know if we're dating anymore we're just like living we're just living like you know so yeah we've been dating since college we we got together in college uh and i mean and shit listen to me you this is how you know that i'm fucked up because i got the date wrong we've been dating since 2007 so I took a year off our relationship so yeah so you guys met in college tell me how you met

we met at Columbia College Chicago in improv 201 class okay so you're both fucking nerds we're fucking nerds you know the funny thing is we weren't it was just it was a part of the curriculum we were just you had to take improv uh i didn't start improv again until i moved to los angeles like six years later but uh we met in improv

201 and and we had a scene together and we were vibing we were friends and stuff and then we had a scene together and it felt awful uh like we both we sucked and i think that was us knowing like damn we like each other so wait you were in a scene together it was not good and then you were like i love her I was like this is who I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with uh I didn't say that but I did say yeah I like this girl because I feel self-conscious about performing with her oh I get it so you were like I obviously like this person because I feel self-conscious about improvising with them yeah I was you know it was it was just like oh I want I want them to think I'm funny when I'm

doing the scene with them and stuff it was just a it was a weird nervous energy that we had when we were doing the scene and she felt the same way and uh yeah and but here's the kicker. We were both dating people at the time. Oh, shit. So did you break up with your person first or tell me I want to tell me the whole thing. OK, so we were both dating somebody at the time and she was doing the thing where she would tell me how trashy was. So, you know, she was like, oh, I hate, I'm going to call his name out. Like, I hate Harrison. I think that was his name. Harrison is trash. I don't like him.

I've only been dating him for like two or three months and I'm already crying. She was just giving me the scoop, you know? And I'm like, girl, let me give you this shoulder to cry on. You good. You're beautiful. Don't let him hurt you. But I was also dating the girl. I don't let him hurt you but I was also dating the girl I will not say her name uh but I was also dating I was dating a girl and we were

good it wasn't like we weren't like we weren't fighting or anything but something just wasn't clicking in the same way that it was with my uh now fiance and yeah I just end up saying telling oh girl like yo I think I'm vibing somebody else so we gotta we gotta cut this short and that's what we did I didn't say it that cool I probably just said hey I'm busy for the next like three months oh my god did you really say that no okay no I didn't I didn't I didn't say that that would be terrible uh no I told her like I don't think you know there is you know I just told her like hey I'm interested in somebody else right now and I don't think like our relationship is gonna you know last so i would love to be friends and we were not you didn't you

didn't remain friends not right away but we eventually became cordial again which was which was cool because i did like like her as a person we just weren't vibing like romantically or you know in like uh we were just we were friends we were friends but with no like romantic or intimate connection it felt like fair i'm whenever somebody is like let's stay friends i'm like uh i already have so many friends i i i don't need this i don't want to hang out with you and then be like oh man we could be fucking but you don't want to do that anymore i know it's kind of weird i don't think that's i don't think it's possible do you think it's possible to be frank i know there are somebody i know there's some unicorns out there who think yeah it's possible but i think

they're more the exceptions than the rule i also think they're weird unicorn people. Because for me, I'm like, when I sleep with somebody, it's intimate. And if I develop feelings for them, that's intimate. But then that's like work for me to be like, all right, so we're not intimate anymore. I can't have these feelings for you anymore. So I have to like push that aside so we can just like hang out and be friends. No, thank you. Yeah, that sounds awful. It sounds awful. And it also sounds like how you make mistakes yes because then you know you've fucked you know what that

shit feels like and you're like you know what if it's just like one last time and then you're like oh no i cheated on my girl right right right that's how you make mistakes that's how you end up cheating like i know somebody is pulling their hair out right now listening to this but let me tell let me let me talk to that person you know me right you know you know um how did you how did you propose all right so for let me take you back to 2008 so that's us going back to 2008 for the that's that's how we do it in the improv game y'all uh so for our one year anniversary we went to disney world together and it was my first time ever going to dis World. And her first time as an adult.

And we loved it. It was special. We went three more times in the next five years. Okay. And then we went and we was just like, we just love Disney. We became Disney Park people, right? And so it's weird. We became, we're Disney Park heads. And I love it.

I love it. We're Disney park heads. And I love it. I love it. And then we went in 2017. We decided we were going to go the next year. So we went again in 2018. And we've developed a spot at Magic Kingdom.

After the fireworks show is over, everything starts to clear out. We find a bench on the side of the Cinderella Castle and just sit by the pond and just like chill out from the day right so we were gonna do that it was Christmas time uh it was November 2018 we did that and you know we were sitting down and I was real awkward I was like hey can you uh hold my bag real quick and I was like oh I'm looking for something I'm looking for something and after the fact she's told me now, I knew something was up when you asked me to hold your bag because you never asked me to hold your bag. So that was the first mistake.

And I pulled out the ring. It had a little light in it to show the, or the ring box. It had a light in it to show the ring. And I just got down and asked her to, you know, marry me on the side of Cinderella Castle. Oh, that's so fucking cute were there people around them were they like oh my god it it it was like three people around but they didn't say anything they didn't say anything they just I could tell they knew what was going on but they didn't like

you know make a big deal about it which I was happy about because that's what I wanted to avoid yeah I wanted we're a very private couple so I didn't want you know if it would have felt weird if a whole bunch of people were just like oh my gosh congratulations I'm like get your ass I don't know you but you congratulated me for this could be our fifth attempt in marriage this could be awful for us you don't know that's honestly a dream of mine is to date someone who wants to do proposal bits so like after we decide we're getting married like i just want to randomly propose to this person just like throughout the like the next years we spend together.

Like we're on a plane and I'm just like, will you marry me? And they're like, yes. And then everyone's like, oh, my God. But it's like we're already married. You know what you should do, too? You should just get a whole bunch of fake rings and just keep putting them on like your ring finger until like your entire ring finger is just full of rings uh but your real one is at the bottom because that's the first one you get yes that's the real and i'm like he just keeps giving me rings have you been close to have you been i mean i know like you're trying to find a date now and i'm sorry i you know listen

in another world this could be a matchmaking podcast but I feel like now I want to I want to get you to that point where you can have that dream realized oh my god thank you yes set me up with a single friend of yours I have three single friends but you probably know them all. So I don't think you would. I probably do. You do. Because even though we've only met a couple times and talked a couple times, our circles are intertwined greatly.

Yeah, we have so many, so many mutual friends. It's very funny. Yeah, yeah. I think, you know, listen, if you're ever trying to get to Chicago, though, I might have somebody, I might have a few people in Chicago who might, you know, who might be down to holler. I go to Chicago every year.

My whole family lives there. For real? Mm-hmm. They live on the south side. My sister, I'm not going to say where my sister, she lives in Chicago. I'm not going to say. They just live on the south side. Okay.

I mean, I know the south. I was born and raised on the south side. Oh, well well we'll get into specifics when we're not recording yes i mean i could tell people where i was born because my house is no longer there uh but don't tell anybody where your sister is they tore my house down they tore your house down that's so rude that should have said i'll cry i don't know if i've mentioned on the podcast i don't remember the last time i recorded but i matched with someone on tinder when i was in

arlington texas and he was like you seem like you're far away from la uh where are you and i was like oh i'm in arlington texas and he was like with this coronavirus and And I was like, yep, still working. And then he unmatched me. What? Wait a minute. When was this? Yeah, this was in the beginning. Shit. This was two weeks ago. Hold on. I'll tell you exactly when it was. Wow. Because I was in Texas, March 6th, 7th and 8th. And yeah, I was like, oh, maybe i'm gonna come home to some strange and he was like nah bitch uh so wait a minute we're not doing this he was here in la yes and you were in texas and you matched with him and he unmatched you because he found out you were traveling yes listen you you kind of gotta admire the principles there because he was just like

listen we supposed to be social distancing before the rest of us knew yeah he was on to it he knew he was on to it i mean listen i think you should try again he literally unmatched me and i wish i had taken a screenshot because it was so funny but like he truly unmatched me as soon as i said i was traveling that is so funny see i don't know the i don't know the dating app like lingo so i didn't know so that means because i've haven't dated anybody in this era of dating so i don't know any of that shit i gotta say what a treat for you. What a goddamn dream. Because I say it all the time. Dating apps are a living fucking nightmare.

They are the fucking worst. Really? Yes. First dates are the worst because you're like, all right, I actually don't care about you because I don't fucking know you, but I'm going to dress up. I'm going to shave my pussy. I'm going to put on my good wig i'm gonna paint my fucking face up and then i'm gonna try to make you laugh on this date so you maybe take

me home or try to call me again or i try to escape the date because you're terrible yeah i was dating two dudes and talking to a third. And after like the whole quarantine thing, I was like, yo, hit me up when the pandemic is over. There's no point to continue talking during this. Yeah. I mean, what are we going to talk? We just going to text each other like we can't see each other. We can't see each other. I guess we could like FaceTime.

I have a friend who's doing a FaceTime date this week, a FaceTime first date. And I was like, is this what the world is going to come to? Oh, I this is awful. We're all just on Zoom trying to date people. Third base is going to be meeting. That's what third base is going to be now. Like the first meet is like, oh, we getting a little too hot and heavy. I don't know if we should go home.

We should separate. I would say a home run would be meeting in person because you're like, I could die if I meet this person. That's true. That's true. I think, yeah, you went all the way if you just meet in today's world. See, for me, here's what I equate app dating to. Because as somebody who who doesn't do it and let me let me talk let me be real like okay you know I I love I love my I

love my fiance we're we're good and everything but like there's always a part of everybody who's in a long-term relationship where they're just like I wonder like if I could if I still had it you know not in a way that you're gonna go out and like act on it but just wondering like what would my life look like if I was single in today's world as opposed to even 2007 and how I envision that looking is have you seen easy on Netflix I have not what is easy it's a it's like an anthology show and there's an episode with orlando bloom kate mccoochie and um i can't say her name molyne something i can't say her last name um orlando bloom yes yes yes yes i guess i should have been able to say that oh it's fine don't

be hard on yourself it's okay baby thank you nicole but they are married and then they match with kate makuchi who they kind of know and then they just have a threesome together and i'm like that's what app dating is where it's just like yo you're just meeting people who just want to have some fun and then you go back to your real life. But what you explained to me sounds awful. And now I'm reconsidering. Yeah, I mean, you should feel very blessed and lucky and thankful that you have a significant other. Because truly, it's a nightmare. And then you don't know what you're meeting.

Do you know what I mean? then you don't know what you're meeting do you know what i mean so every first date you're like this person could either be the love of my life or like literally throw me down the stairs or like try to like kill me or just be a boring piece of shit right and also i would assume that because you know you have no mutuals generally you have no mutuals you have nobody no link between you two it's just like it's a whole bunch of blind dates which yep even in 2007 wasn't was still kind of not I don't want to say frowned upon but people kind of looked at them weird where they were just saying a blind date I don't know how many of those i can go out on and now it seems like that's all people go out on yeah it's blind date that's it that's what an app is an app is a blind date where you get to look at like he's into books i can't

wait to talk about the books he likes it's so stupid all right so if all right so if apps are bad how else are you how else are you pursuing dating life i mean uh i have yet to have a friend set me up with anybody because i run in like a it's like a big circle but like a small circle um so like right everybody kind of knows each other. And then if you try to hook up with somebody at work, all the crew members are married. Every single one is married. Every director I've ever met has been married or dating somebody. The actors are married. Everyone is already booed up. So I'm not going to meet nobody at work. so I'm not going to meet nobody at work. My friend Janelle was like, you should go to Target and you should roam the aisles of Target and you'll meet somebody. I have yet to do that.

Also, that won't work. That seems so... You're going to meet somebody in the Oreo aisle or something? How do you meet people at Target? I mean, it's working for her. Oh, she's doing it? Yeah, she's doing it yes i don't know all right i just i stand corrected i guess i'll just do the apps until i pass away okay all right i would assume because i'm gonna go ahead and i'm gonna go ahead and ask heavenly

father to give you at least 50 to 60 more years. So I'm going to assume that you have a long time on this planet. And by the time you are ready to pass on, we would have come up with something way better than apps by that point. Right? Hopefully. We have to have. Maybe in the future I can order like a little robot man to love me. Okay. On robot note,

we have to take a break. And we're back. Two people talking in two separate locations coming together for a podcast. That was a lovely break. It was so lovely.

The 21st century, who knew? Who knew 2020 would be here? I mean, okay. All last year, I was like, 2020 is my year, baby. This year is going to be amazing. And honestly, this year, the first two and a half months of this year were outstanding shit was popping off i was going out on great dates i was like this is wonderful work was good stand-up was good i was like i'm gonna take a little break from stand-up and then corona happened but you know what? I'm going to stay optimistic.

I still think this is my year. I still think it's your year. Thank you. It's a wild thing to say in the midst of like, I can't leave my house. But, you know, I think it's going to pick up and turn around. All right. So if you've been, are you fromago or is this your family living in chicago my family lives in chicago i grew up in jersey you're from jersey i'm from chicago we both have had this where this is what coronavirus is going to be like after a month after months of winter

and everybody is just you know wearing a whole bunch of clothes not really getting their hair cut and their hair done that much and shit like that and then that first spring day and that first spring week everybody just busts out of their cocoon like a fucking butterfly like that's what coronavirus is gonna be like after this quarantine is over we all gonna come outside and we gonna look our best we gonna get haircuts and we we're going to be ready. We're going to be ready. And I'm telling you, Nicole, you won't even have to go to Target. You can just stand outside of Target and you will find you somebody.

Oh, I love this. They're looking for snacks. Everybody's just going to be looking for snacks. Everybody hasn't had human interaction in a minute. They're going to be looking for snacks. I can't wait. I i'ma be a snack i've been doing yoga every day and meditating because i feel crazy so i wake up at 11 30 every day although today at 10 the whole like i don't know what was happening there were so many noises and beeping happen outside it was like beep beep And then my dogs are barking. And I was like, all right, I'm up.

I'm up. I wanted to sleep in, but I'm up. Yeah. But I did my little yoga. This white lady talks to me on YouTube. She leads me through it and she tells me I'm good at it, even though she can't see me. And I love her for it.

And then I do some more stretching on my own. I've been trying to really work on my splits so so when the spring comes and we're unquarantined i'm gonna split on the dick i'm gonna land so hard on someone's dick i'm gonna break it see i can't wait see listen listen and you know what six months ago whoever dick you was gonna break wouldn't have wanted that but six months from now and be like break this dick baby break this dick they're gonna be ecstatic they're gonna be ecstatic we're gonna we're changing we're changing we are see i'm on the i'm on the opposite end because like because because i am in a long-term relationship but here's the thing yes i live with my significant other but we both got lives and now we both just in the crib and what is that

like what is it like where you have two separate lives is your significant other also an actor or in entertainment she is not um she teaches gymnastics to kids oh and she's mostly like a dance teacher and then she has other odd jobs she also does like personal assistant work for like this rich lawyer family um but yeah and she's she's she like knows entertainment because we went to an entertainment college and or acting or performing art college and shit so she knows it she's taking a class or two at UCB it's not like she's out of it but it's not her main focus yeah you guys have like pretty separate lives but now that you're inside together has that put a strain on your relationship or are you just like easy peasy it's been okay because like she's been still working for the past week,

but that's about to stop. So now she's really just about to be home more. And, but I've been home like this whole time because all production shit has stopped for just about everybody in the entertainment business. Yeah. And I, you know,

I'm already, I'm already finding things annoying that I probably shouldn't. Like, why are you chewing your popcorn like that? Like shit like that is already, which is bad. Uh, and we'll be fine. We've been together for so long that like this, it's just normal. But like my, my fiance is a huge talker and because I do like podcasting and acting and improv when I'm out of the house I talk so much yeah so when I'm in the crib I'm just like I'm just ready to chill you know I'm ready to turn off for a little bit and it's really hard when like your significant other walks through the

door and in the first 60 seconds she's already said 1500 words and now that's becoming non-stop so we're we'll be fine but we will be taking you know some solo walks every other day at the very least uh just because i don't here's the thing like i haven't been able to do roommates since i was 19 right um I just I love people I love hanging out I love and I have nothing against anybody who loves the roommate life but for me my favorite thing about having friends is they go home um and event even if they've been there for like two three days they still eventually go home um and like living with my significant living with Jess has been great it's great we I love it but we still go out and we can like take time to miss each other and now that's not going to be the case for at least it seems like a month plus and uh

we'll see we'll see we'll see listen have me back in three months and I may be single and available. I honestly will check in with you down the road because I am really curious about couples who are cooped up together, who don't spend like a crazy amount of time. There's some couples who work together, live together, are together. And then there's some couples

who have very different lives. So I am super curious to see how this works out. I am too. I think we'll be fine. We'll be fine. I think you will be too. Y'all have been together for a very long time, over a decade. So like, I think you'll be fine.

But I will love to hear after a couple months what's up with you guys i have a question about your girlfriend or your fiancee so she teaches gymnastics this is literally not even for the podcast it's for me personally she teaches gymnastics would she give me private lessons after this is all done i think she would hell yeah would. I really want to learn how to do like a back handspring. Oh, she'll definitely do that. And she teaches kids. So like she's very good at, she has a lot of patience, one. Yes, I'm very dumb.

I mean, listen, I didn't say that. I just said she has a lot of patience. listen I didn't say that I just said she has a lot of patience but she also like she also is very good at breaking it down in a way that like you know for kids to understand which I feel is a good way that translates to adults because a lot of times when we try to learn some new shit adults talk to us like adults and it was like no talk to me like i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about like talk to me like i'm a child like i don't know what this is oh boy i can't wait till quarantine's over this bitch is gonna be backbended and back handspring and i can't wait oh shit see listen whoever whoever that whoever that person is and whose dick you about to break

in a few months you're gonna have so much you're gonna have so many tricks for them it's gonna be it's gonna be your best life cannot wait for this man to see this big bitch do a backflip onto his dick he's gonna be so he'll literally die of shock he'll be like i should have died during corona this is wild wild yes just the visual of anybody backflipping onto a dick is so funny i want to do it that's the goal the end of 2020 beginning of 2021 i'm gonna be doing backflips on the dick i can't wait i fucking love it can i ask do you remember your like first girlfriend that you've ever had? When did you start dating? Um, I, I start dating like my first real girlfriend. I was 15.

Ooh. So when I also lost my virginity at 15, which is too young. Oh, okay. Ooh, okay. It's too young. I mean, like it's too young as an adult back then. I was like, God damn, I'm 15. When am I going to lose this shit? But as a now 33 year old, I'm like, yeah, probably, you know, 15 year olds probably aren't equipped for long term relationships where you're having constant sex.

um maybe hookups but you know i don't know i don't know who fucking knows but i started dating then and since then i've only had three real girlfriends all long term ish ah so you're a serial monogamist i guess so like that that first girlfriend we dated for like a year and a half which for a 15 year old is a long time that is a very long time yeah and then my next girlfriend after that we dated for two years and that was like 17 and 18 or 18 and 19 and then I met Jess when I was about to turn 21 so I've had some breaks in there where I wasn't dating anybody and I was doing my own thing and shit like that. But whenever I have sat down to date someone like I have been in it for the long haul. OK. I yeah, I don't even know what that's like.

I've never dated anyone for more than like two months. Really? No one? No one. Well one well no that's a lie i dated someone on and off for three years but like it was okay more off than on got it so you've never had like a continuous long-term relationship no i've never been in a relationship where like both people were like we love each other and this is healthy and good. See, I wonder the same way you are wondering, like, I wonder what that's like to be in a long term relationship. I also wonder what it's like to date multiple people and only and like go through a stretch where I won't even I've only dated her for five weeks. I've only dated this person for like a month or two.

month or two? I would say it's a little exhausting, but also my lifestyle is so weird. Like this whole quarantine has been insane personally, because I'm out of town every weekend or almost every other weekend. If I'm in town, I'm working. If I cancel tour dates, it's because I'm in LA working. But now it's like at a dead stop. And I'm like, well, if I was tour dates, it's because I'm in L.A. working. But now it's like at a dead stop. And I'm like, well, if I was dating somebody, then I would have like them to focus on. But now that I have nothing to do, I'm like, I guess I focus on me. But like I already focus on me. So it's a very weird thing. Yeah.

I wonder because like you said, your lifestyle is so hectic and things like that where like I don't even know like is that it has to be so hard to like have a stable relationship because that those first few months are are such a get to know you phase, right? And the most you get to know somebody is in that kind of stability that you have of seeing them often and things like that, where you get to a place where you say, oh, we're going to do this and we're going to do this for a long time. I just think it's going to take longer for you to get there. I don't think, I think you can get there.

It just may take longer for you to get to the point where you say oh we can do this for a long time well I did this year decide that I would cut back a little bit on touring okay so like last year I was gone I don't I would have to look it up but I think I probably was out of town like 30 weeks out of the year doing shows and stuff. Wow. And I was like and I got my hour to a place where I was like, I'm really proud of it. I really love it. And then I was like, so why keep touring with the same hour? Maybe you try to sell it or whatever, or maybe you go out of town like twice a month and you try to limit that. So you can actually be in town and get to know someone uh because it is hard when you go on a date with someone you're like oh my god we connected but i'm

not here for the next eight to twelve days and then it's just like oh well all right so we're gonna go two weeks and not see each other i see you so it's like this real jerky start and stop in the beginning of the relationship when it is important. So I was like, I think I need to adjust my lifestyle just a little bit. I don't have to do everything that I'm doing. I can say no. And that's a hard thing to learn that you don't got to do everything that people ask you to do. Yeah, I'm in that. I'm learning that now. Like I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to work just a little bit more and and I produce a lot of like shows here in LA and I'm to the point now where I'm I don't have to work with everybody just because I feel like

I have to you know like I can say no know, if it's not fulfilling or joyful, and especially if it ain't making no damn money, like I can say no to things and like, it's, you know, Hey, look, it comes with age, you know, I'm almost in my, I'm almost in my mid thirties. So I'm, I'm getting there to the point where I can say, yeah, I don't have to say yes to every fucking thing, which is great. Yeah. And I do think that wisdom comes with age because in my early 20s, people be like, come shoot this video.

We'll give you Doritos and a hug. And I was like, yes, yes. Will you squeeze me with the hug? Yes, I'll do it. Yes. Are they cool, ranch? Yeah. Now I'm like, no, come on.

I'm not doing that unless it's, you know, for a friend or something or somebody I care about. Yeah. Listen, for me, this is how I knew that I loved Jessica is when she asked me to help her move and I did it and I wasn't upset that she asked me and this was a while ago obviously but I because now I'm just like yo I you know my back be hurting I can't be helping you move for some pizza and two beers like either pay me or go get some damn movers and I get it we all ain't rich but like shit my back ain't getting younger so but when she asked me like oh I'm moving you know are you free this day can you help me and I was like baby I wouldn't let you move without me I got you and I was like damn I love this girl

and yeah because like shit when you do shit for friends that, you know, will become annoying to you in the future, but is not annoying to you with that person. Like that usually means something, I think. I think so. I very rarely like I mean, I have like a bunch of very close friends that I would do literally anything for. You need me to fly some, like my friend was in, she, her,

her now husband went out of this. We like live together in New York. And then her husband went to school out of state and she was going a little crazy being out of New York. And I was in New York working. So I was like, do you want to come to New York? And she was like, yeah,

but like, I don't, I can't afford it right now. And I was like, no bitch, I have miles. York? And she was like, yeah, but like, I don't I can't afford it right now. And I was like, no, bitch, I have miles. Let's use my miles. Let's get you here. You stay in my hotel room. And she was like, you would do that.

And I was like, I will literally do anything for you. I love you dearly. And she has reciprocated, you know, in her way more than, you know, dozens and dozens of times. But I've never dated anyone where i was like i will do actually i did it one person where i was like i'll do things for you but that was like me being like i'll do things for you and maybe you'll do something for me i'm not worthy i'm a piece of shit please love me and that was bad yeah that was very bad yeah that's the that's

the dangerous part when you'll do anything for somebody but they won't reciprocate or do anything for you and you know like it's like the person who you realize you know what for the past six months every time we talk is when I text you but you never text me it's like that where it's just like you realize like this is kind of one sided here. So let's back out. Yeah. And I just read this. My friend Langen sent me this article called. Oh, shit. I can't remember. But it's like the crane wife or something. And the crane wife is this like old story about a crane who wants to marry this man, but knows that he won't marry her unless she's a woman.

So she spends every night plucking out her't marry her unless she's a woman so she spends every night plucking out her feathers to try to look like a woman and then this woman had written this essay about how she was like plucking her feathers trying to become this person so her fiance would love her and he just didn't love her and was like mean to her and i was like oh my god this is what i do a lot of the time i try to like not myself, but like try to smush myself into this like place where I think maybe you'll love me. Yeah. Which is crazy. That shit is wild. I mean, like not to get I know this is a comedy podcast, but like to like real talk that happened to me with my relationship right before Jess where you know we grown up black you also grow up religious uh when you got religious ass grandparents and my

girlfriend at the time when I was like 18 came from a religious family as well and they found out that my mom was a lesbian and you know you know, for religious people, especially in mid-2000s, that was a problem. And, yep. So, you know, and we had to, like, have talks and do all this shit. And then I started, like, well, you know, is it something wrong with? And then it hit me. I was like, wait the fuck a minute. Like, why am I changing what the fuck a minute like why am I

changing what I believe in and why am I changing I'm this is my mom like if you don't like her fuck you then we can break up which is what we did we eventually broke up but it's just like yeah you get to a point where you are changing who you are and what you believe in for somebody who won't do the same for you, that shit don't feel good. That person doesn't deserve to have their dick broken. No, no. Somebody,

somebody who changes a little for me and, you know, meets me halfway. They deserve to have their dick broken. Yes. Yes. The end of 2020, having your dick broken is going to mean something completely different.

Yeah. And I'm ready for it. having your dick broken is gonna mean something completely different yeah and i'm ready for it oh boy yes okay do you have any advice for me on what i could be doing to i don't i don't know yeah do you have any dating advice for me i i do i you know listen it's a it's, it's a different world from when I was dating. So I, you know, so if I can give you some old school advice. Okay. Old school advice is one, I think like be okay with yourself and which I assume you are, but we all can work on that but be okay like like get to know you first like and dating yourself first and then when that gets to a point it's like all right

i know myself i'm ready to share myself with somebody else uh i don't think you have to compromise on what you're looking for but what you can compromise on is knowing that it's hard to put two lives together um i actually think it's insane what we do as a as human beings because two completely different lives putting them together is very fucking hard so compromise compromise on on like the get to know you phase where you're saying i don't like this but is it like when you can put a list together and say these are some of the things like that annoy me or that i don't like but i'm still okay with them because i like you then that's the person that you should keep like pursuing stuff with uh if there's stuff on that list that you're like, I just can't stand this.

I wish this person would change. I wish they would change this. Then that's probably where you say, you know what? Maybe this isn't the right person for me. Because with Jess, with some of the things as we were getting to know each other, I was like, I don't love that. Or same thing with me. But I was like, but you know what? I Or same thing with me. But I was like,

but you know what? I don't care. I love her. I like her. Like that was, that was, that was the freeing part where we kicked it into the next gear. So don't compromise on what you're looking for,

but understand that when you're dating somebody, not everything is going to be perfect because there is no such thing as two perfect lives that are going to mix together. Like, in my opinion, there's no such thing. All right. And then also, you know, find you somebody who is willing to like the number one thing that you like. Like, if Jessica didn't like the Cubs, we wouldn't be dating. You know, if she came here talking about I'm a White Sox fan, I would be like, all right, baby girl. Peace be with you. Be blessed.

No, I'm joking. I'm joking. But it helps. It helps to like, when when you're when you're significant when the person you're dating has interest like see if you can become interested in it like you know now jessica likes the cubs and she'll watch baseball with me and i watch general hospital and i haven't missed an episode in seven years so you know that's real fucking adorable i fucking love that that's real love right there she got me watching

soap operas oh that's fucking adorable okay well we've come to a time where i i try to ask all my guests this i think i maybe missed like five people but if you were in a relationship would you date me Nicole I would date you and a heartbeat yes I would date you and you know why because one you are a good person you're funny uh you're intelligent you are an attractive person and my niece loves you so oh a child children love me and it's been very strange children love you I was it was Christmas time and I was trying to my I was taking care of my niece for like two days and I was just like oh you gotta go watch some damn tv or something um and and she popped netflix and popped on nailed it and it was the first time i had ever watched it and she was like oh i love this show and i was like all right let's

watch it because i knew who you were and i was like all right i like this show too and she was just like i love nicole and she's six years old six i joke about hating kids but it is so cute that kids like me and they're so like they draw pictures of me yeah it is really cute it it was it was very cute so cute oh kids yeah yeah i don't love them but i don't hate them. So we've come to the end. Is there anything that you want to promote? You know what? Listen, it's quarantine time. I'll promote just whatever the hell you like. Do as much of it as you want.

But then when quarantine time is over, if people come to this episode and listen to it when they're not quarantined, come check out Culture Kings on Earwolf. Me and my co-host, we just talk that shit. It's two black hosts. It's like The View with two black male comedians. So, you know, come check that out.

And then, you know, I do shit around L.A., comedy and stuff like that. So I'm around. You can check me out on socials and find out what I'm doing. comedy and stuff like that. So I'm around. You could check me out on socials and find out what I'm doing. Well, thank you so much for doing this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like this episode, please rate it, subscribe on iTunes and whatnot. And if you say something nasty to me, I will read it out loud. This person on yesterday said Nicole Byer I bet you smell really good I love you please send feet pics please please and honestly that's how I know I fucking made it you made it you made it listen I I love it I was so excited that someone finally asked me for feet pics

that's how you know you made it I'm trying to sell my feet pics because I need money and nobody nobody wants them so you know I haven't made it yet I haven't made it yet all right oh also I should promote this I have a book coming out. It's on pre-order, I believe. It was May 19th, but it's getting pushed to June 2nd. It's called Hashtag Very Fat, Hashtag Very Brave. The Brave Girl's Guide to Being... No, wait. The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not a Melancholy Down in the Dump Sweeping Fat Girl in a Bikini.

It's very fun. It's funny. The pre-orders are in my link. I guess I'll ask Mars to put a link in the bio of this so you can pre-order it. And yes, that's it. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.