Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating for Personality or Looks (w/ Erin Whitehead)

Episode Date: November 23, 2018

"The thought of you inside me makes me upset"Erin Whitehead (Animals, Wild Horses) shares her experiences on a dating app designed for Apple fans, why she doesn't like relationships, and dating for looks vs personality. Nicole's shopping for a sex torso to practice her eye contact.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? I'm Nicole Byer, and this is a podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you ask nicely and at least three times, I'll suck on your little toes. Even though I hate feet.

My guest today, you know her, you love her. She's been on Vajillion Dollar Properties. She is a voice on HBO's Animals. She's also part of this improv group that's very, very wonderful. Wild Horses. Erin Whitehead. Hi, hi, hi. Hi.

Thank you so much for being here. I mean, my lord, thank you for having me. You know I love this show. Oh, thank you so much for being here. I mean, my Lord, thank you for having me. You know I love this show. Oh, thank you so much. I asked you to do the podcast after I was on Hinge and there was a man. Fuck, I got to find it. So I was swiping through Hinge and I was reading man's profile, and he said his simple pleasures are writing, going to comedy shows, going to the movies, being around dogs and cats in early Simpsons episodes. And I was like, this man seems like he loves improv.

And then I, like, swiped out, and he's in a wild horse's shirt. Oh, dear. On his dating profile. On his dating profile. Yes. I really like that he was like, this is what will get them. He's like, I love ladies who improvise. I'm here for it. It just really floored me. I was like, oh. I mean, maybe I should get on Hinge. I'd be a certain in with that. Actually, that's not even true. That's so not true. He's probably like, no, I mean, you're funny, but. But I'm just going to wait out for Lauren Lapkus.

That's, it made me laugh so hard. Also, there is a wine called Wild Horses. I've gotten it. It's pretty decent. Yeah, it's not bad. I don't hate it. There's a dark horse wine, too. Oh.

There's a lot of horse wines. A lot of horse things going on. Yeah. Are you on apps? I've never done an app. Really? I've never done one. With the exception of when I used to write a dating blog for my money.

And I wasn't dating at the time, so I made up a lot of stuff. But they... and I wasn't dating at the time, so I made up a lot of stuff, but they... You're like the new Melissa McCarthy movie where she's making up letters for people.

Listen, any crazy McCarthy movie is based on my life. That's not actually that untrue. You know the... What's the... No, it is untrue. I mean, I told a complete lie there. But you know the one

that Katie Dippold wrote that Paul Feig directed where they're cops? The Heat. The Heat. Sandra Bullock has a cat that's not her cat and that's my whole life. I love it. And a cat lady without a cat. That was a very funny specific in that movie. I really like that. So you used to write a dating blog but but you weren't dating i wasn't dating and i had to sign up for the for it was a short-lived i'm assuming maybe it's still around uh dating app that was only for mac users and your picture

had to include a mac device oh and they had me like it was very new so they had me write up like a thing for it for the dating blog but to do it it, I had to join. So I joined and put up the most ridiculous profile. And I couldn't believe I got hits from it. I was like, this was supposed to make you never swipe, but I don't know what people did. What a weird app to join to be like, well, I love my iPhone more than my mother. So I guess I have to join a dating site

where I find other people who love their iPhones more than their family members. I mean, I feel like it's insane, but then you meet those people. Like, I feel like people who are Mac crazy are they're a whole breed. There's people who love things and then, like, people who smoke

weed and, like, are heavy smokers. I feel like their whole identity is like, love weed that's and yeah and that's a nutty thing to me like i get if you're in college and it's new and you're like this is unreal but when i see like adults putting up shows like 420 shows i'm like you're a grown-up i'm clearly talking about one specific person here but i'm like that's not a personality anymore like you're too old a little weird i yeah but then like i have friends one of my old roommates smoked a ton of weed but it wasn't his personality he just had add and medication didn't work for him but smoking weed helped him

so like in the mornings he would be so annoying i'd be like dan i don't want to talk to you until you go smoke a fucking bowl go take your meds go take your fucking medicine and then he would be fine but it like wasn't he wasn't like except for he got into this one little phase where he's like i'm gonna sell edibles and then he would make us edibles and they never left the house and we were just eat them all the time but yeah yeah well Well, that's most of my friends, though, I think. Yeah, I feel like everyone I know smokes a lot of pot, but I would never know it if I weren't friends with them. Yes.

Because they're not wearing, like, the Leaf t-shirts. Why are you putting up 420 shows? You're an adult! The last 420 show I did at Yusabe, I drank weed soda ate something and then a friend had a little vape pen and I took too many hits

and was like wow this I don't know how people are outside of their homes when they're like this I don't either I need to go home I can't that's also I mean that's a lot it was a lot I think every time I I need to go home. I can't. That's also, I mean, that's a lot. It was a lot.

I think every time I've tried to smoke pot, I guess it's not trying after the first time, but every time I've smoked pot, I've probably done a little too much because I have to do the edibles. The smoke makes me nauseous, and then what's the point? And I think I always do the like, I'm waiting. Nothing's happening. I better have another gummy bear. And then suddenly I'm like, oh, no. The other one hasn't even hit yet. This is when I was living in New York. It was my birthday. Me and my friend Keisha Zoller have the same birthday. And her friend had made her

little pot cookies, like teeny tiny little, little Chips Ahoy like cookies. And she was like, have one. I said, okay. I did the same thing. I waited like 20 minutes. It was like, this isn't working. And she's like, you're more than welcome to having another one. So I ate another one, waited five minutes. I was like, this isn't working. She was like, I would wait longer. And I was like, no. And I ate a third one. And then we went to McManus and I was talking to a friend and then I noticed she was talking and I was just nodding my head to the side. Not even in agreement, but just like bouncing my head to music that maybe wasn't playing. And then she was like, are you OK?

And I was like, you know what? I don't think so. And I was like, I'll order a drink. So then I ordered a drink. Were you enjoying yourself in your head at all? A little, but I also truly was like, I don't think there's a thought in here. Yeah.

Because I was just moving my head. So I ordered another drink, tried to drink it, and was like, oh, I'm fully out of my mind. I got to go home. And I got in a cab and was kind of scared of the cab driver because I was like, he's going to know where I live. And I was like, that's what a cab does. Just fully out of my mind. I love the idea of getting in a cab and being like,

I can't tell you where I live. I can't tell you. I can't do it. I won't do it. You're just going to have to guess where to drop me off. Yeah. And if you know, I'm very suspicious. I do that sometimes in lifts.

I'll give the address of the house next door. But then I'll be like, oh, my house is this one. And I'm like, why did you? Who cares? I remember to do that one time. And it was after I had one scary driver who, like, didn't come back and murder me. So I was like, I guess he's the scariest, so I'm probably fine. My friend, I don't know. Do you know Sashir? I don't think we've actually ever met. come back and murder me so I was like I guess he's the scariest so I'm probably fine um my friend

I don't know do you know Sashir I don't think we've actually ever met but I know of her she a real treat but she had a run of bad uber drivers so she left my house and then called me was like the driver was standing outside the car and I was like what I think that's when you come back in and you tell him oh I forgot something I'm just gonna call a different lift and I was like what? I was like that's when you come back in and you tell him oh I forgot something I'm just gonna call a different lift and she was like I didn't really think anything of it until we got to my house and I tried to get out and he goes oh I have to get out and let

you out. He locked her in the car and then another time she was leaving my house the driver again was outside the door and she like popped back in she was like he's outside and I was like cancel it. She's like i don't know he looks fine i was like okay and then he drove on the wrong side of the street and i was like you like the next time someone is outside of their car that means they are outside of their mind is this here in new york here i mean

now that it matters but it's like all horror it is such a funny thing that we've decided that anyone who like really can't seem to get any other job is going to drive me. Like, that's not the best. Yeah. No one's really doing it when, like, I feel like cab drivers can really make a career out of it. Like, that was a whole thing. Like, they would eventually buy their own cab. Like, it was a whole, like, there's a level to that career.

I mean, granted, they were still murdering women, but anyone can be a murderer, I guess. Yeah. But like a cab driver, I feel like is more vetted than a Lyft driver, Uber driver. Oh my God. So I was in Miami last week and I guess my newsfeed curates it to where I am in the world, which is an insane thing.

But I kept getting all these like Miami stories. to where I am in the world, which is an insane thing. But I kept getting all these Miami stories. And there was a story about this Uber driver who had raped a couple women. And then in his statement was like, well, that's one of the perks of being a driver. And I was like, oh, my God. That was his defense statement.

Yeah, and he wasn't remorseful about it. And I read it as we were in a Lyft. And I was truly like, what are we all doing? We're all just signing up to be murdered. And that was the whole thing with Uber for a while, right? There were so many rapes. And then didn't the guy, didn't the owner of Uber like

threaten to murder the kids of a reporter who was going to tell the story but he accidentally said this on record? Oh no, I did not hear about that. I mean, the likelihood is I have 40% of this wrong is usually mine. But I think it was something bad along those lines. Well, if Erin got it wrong, tweet at us.

Yeah. Tweet at me. I want to read it. Yeah. We want to know when we're wrong. I have most of my at replies blocked, but I'll try and see them. Do you really? Yeah, I put on the privacy settings so that I can't see a reply from anyone who doesn't follow me.

Okay. And I can't see one that has curse words, which at first I was like, I mean, I can if I follow the person. Okay. But yeah, because I was getting a lot of the like, die fucking cunt. So I was like, I don't probably need to see these. I don't need to see that. At the end of a long day. People on Twitter and just the internet in general are very mean sometimes.

I mean, I tell, and I get sucked in was part of it. I wouldn't reply to something like that. But I'd be like, I'm'm gonna explain the world to this guy and it's i've never had a good experience doing that never happened never i had a dude so i went to miami and i was in a bikini for most of the time congratulations thank you so much i bought this gold lame bikini i mean i saw it it's amazing thank you and i love it it's the dumbest bikini i own and i posted it on twitter i was like twitter needs to see this and then this man was like i need to unsee this why won't you sink like the titanic and i was like jesus well i guess i'll retweet you since you needed me to see that you hate my body and then

he like deleted the tweet and i was like well thank god i screen capped this oh i always i was traveling i was in tampa at the time i had nothing to do so then i like reposted his the screenshot was like i think you accidentally got rid of this i hope you see my body again and get sad. I have done similar things and had the guy like beg me to take them down. Really? Yeah. And I'm like, you fucking put it out there publicly. I mean, I did because at that point I was like, I don't want to deal with this.

But it's so funny to be like, you just wrote this to me on a public forum. You've never met me. And you're not okay with other people seeing it? I'm very confused. I feel like some people think the internet is private. Well, I mean, let's just talk about Facebook groups for a sec, because the advice being asked in those, I can't, I'm like, I want to write to some of these women and be like, this is a group of 10,000. Have you ever looked at the top number? And then they'll be like, there was a leak,

someone found out, and it's like, a leak. There was never, it's just an ocean. You're literally in an ocean. Yeah ocean you're literally in an ocean yeah you're just like screaming into a crowded place with people who have ears and eyes i gave up facebook about well i have like a fan page that i'll post shows on uh to be like please come but i just i can't get behind just i don't know facebook just seems more toxic than instagram oh for sure well twitter is bad but i get my news from twitter um because the internet's just very fast very quick but facebook is a it's like another monster where there is no limit to how much you can write and you think that everybody wants to read

all these thoughts you have. And then everybody from high school has a child or is married and I start to feel bad about myself because I'm like, oh, I guess I've put other things ahead of finding a loved one. I mean, you have a whole podcast about it, so don't be too hard on yourself. Yeah, just trying to explore and figure it the fuck out. Do you date at all or no?

I sometimes have dated. I very rarely date, but I do. How do you find people if you're not on the apps? Oh, God. I mean, I don't look. I'm not looking. So I think that's a big part of it. And not for any reason other than I, oh, God, I just hate dating.

It's hard. It's awful. And I don't even enjoy being in relationships. Like, I've never enjoyed myself in a relationship with the exception of, like, my very first boyfriend when I was 18 years old. Oh, interesting. Yeah. If it's not too personal, what don't you enjoy about relationships? Oh my gosh. Let's start. It's so much. Well,

number one, it's who I pick. I don't know what happened to me at some point, but I started going, I think I'll just choose losers. And then, because there's like no commitment there. You're like, this will just be, who cares? Like, I'm the more impressive one, and this can be, I can lead him around for a couple dates. And then I'll weirdly be like, but maybe it would be fun to hang out for longer. And then I do, and then I get a little attached, but then I'm going, why isn't he able to meet me at my level?

Why isn't he not equal to me? It's never been good. I went on three good dates with one person like last year. And that just didn't work out because it didn't work out. But yeah. It just gives me so – I just get – I feel like the feeling I have in a relationship is I always have anxiety. And I'm not really myself. It's almost like being high, honestly.

Like when I get stoned, I'm like, God, I miss my brain. I really miss me. And like every time I've gotten out of a relationship, even if it's sad, I'm like, oh, I'm back. This is great. And like I don't think I've met the person where I can figure out how to have both. Mm-hmm.

I, meeting new people is draining. I had a date last week that I cancelled because he was like kind of waffling. He's like, oh, I have to work late so can we meet up a little later? And I was like, okay. He's like, let's meet downtown. I was like, ugh. But then I was like, you know what? I'm just

going to call it. I don't feel like having a conversation with somebody I don't already have a common ground with. Yeah. Because then you're just like, tell me about your life. And then they say something utterly boring. And then you're like, I guess I say something boring now.

And then you have to be like, do we have chemistry? No? I know. Maybe we try again next week. And then even if you do, you try for a while and then you're like, I'm maybe 80% happy or 70%. This doesn't seem great. Yes. It's just so much.

I get very envious of people who fall in love with their best friends. Who are friends for years and don't have to negotiate that part of it. Yes, that would be nice. And I have no idea how that happens. Yeah, I've never had that happen. All my male friends are gay. But I had lunch with a friend who i was like how did you meet your husband and he was like we were friends first

and then we became roommates and then i was like i think i'm in love with you and then we fell in love and i was like well that's not gonna happen for me yeah right i have to figure out something different. Yeah, I'm very envious of people who seem to just, like, find a match. Like, serial monogamists. I'm like, how? How do you keep tricking these people into being in relationships with you? And how do they have the stamina? I don't know. I have friends who I feel like it was just what they really wanted was to fall in love.

And they, I mean, they'd pick themselves up so fast after being brokenhearted and be in another relationship. And I was like, I'm still tired and sad for you. Like, how are you dating someone again? And like telling me you're in love with them where I'm like, wait, with who? Oh, right. With the, oh, really? With the new guy? Oh, yeah. But then they did end up in relationships. How you can never look inside, how happy they truly are i don't know but it's like but from the outside i completely understand like it might not be good on the inside but like you figured out how to get inside or you know what i mean yeah like you figured out

how to get in the relationship house and i keep driving around relationship cul-de-sacs and just going back out where i came in i'd hear that same, except you come back out a little older, just a little older. Yeah, I don't know what to do at this point because I have been like throwing myself into dating and I've been dating lots and lots of people and I just, I'm just getting tired. And you're dating men and women, right? Yes.

Okay. And it's been confusing a little bit because I've been dating both at the same time. Yeah. And the women I've met. And you keep forgetting which is which. Hmm? That's the confusing part. You keep forgetting which is which.

Yeah, I'm like, which is the woman and which is the man? Penis, vagina. I don't know anymore. Pull down your pants so I can see. Or audibly tell me how you identify. But it's weird because I guess with women, I'm the more masculine one. And with men, I'm the more feminine one. So it's just been like a very tough thing to navigate.

And so it's just been like a very tough thing to navigate. And then I had someone, a lady, ask me if I talked about her on the podcast. And then she gave me the timestamp of when she thought I mentioned her. And I had to say, no, my friend, I was not talking about you. But now I am talking about you. So you don't have to ask me. Because it's you. Was she hoping it was her? you don't have to ask me because it's you was she hoping it was her like was she i don't know it was a very weird conversation um where she asked and then i said no and then she was like i'm embarrassed and i was like don't be embarrassed i do change pronouns sometimes or i say them or

they and don't gender them so you don't know because i honestly don't know who i knew she listened to it but i don't know who else listens to it i assume i think she's the only one i don't know but then yeah i've been also toying with'm like, I shouldn't talk about people I'm currently dating on the podcast. But then I'm like, how long do I have to wait? And then are things ever truly over? Because I just had a bumble man who ghosted me message me again. It's all very weird. I really am so curious about these apps. Because I will say this.

Are you on that Marco Polo app for videoing? Yes. This is how I feel when I listen to your podcast. I have, I'm like counting the things I want to respond to. But at this point, it's been years. So now I have like a nine million things I want to talk about. And I've forgotten them all. So it is exactly like Marco Polo where it's my turn and I'm like.

I have nothing to say to you. But I am so like, I just want to know. I do want to see your profile when we go to that part of it. Because I just am very curious as to like how from the outside. Because when I'm hearing you talk about it sometimes, I'm like, as a suspicious person myself, I think I would go into apps like looking for crazy people. So if anything like flew up, I'd be like, yeah, I don't know. Maybe they're trying to tell me something bigger about themselves with that or like this. Like I like I'm just saying if I saw someone with a big dildo, I'd be like, are they trying to tell me they want to do that to me? And I'm scared.

I have it because I think it's silly. No, I think it's silly too. But this is what I'm saying. Yes. I don't know that I would know that about a stranger. Yes. Because I would assume that if I saw it on Facebook with a million people, I'd be like, ha ha, that's a funny picture. That's great.

a million people I'd be like haha that's a funny picture that's great if I'm in like maybe I'll meet this person in life I think my little receptors are like really out for what might be bad for me but that's not a great way to live life yes but also I think it's good to be cautious because I've gone out with men specifically who had like a questionable thing on their profile. And then later I'm like, that was a clue that you are bad. Yeah. Like I went out with this dude who wasn't, he wasn't, he was like kind of cute in his pictures. And I was like, okay, he could go either way in person. I either will not be attracted to him or I will be very attracted to him because he was a ginger with a beard and I feel like gingers for me go either way and we met up and I was like ah yes not attractive to me and then he was in a polyamorous relationship that's no an open

relationship what it wait which is polyamorous is that that like you love everyone? No, that's pansexual. Okay. But he, maybe it was just an open relationship where he was married and the marriage was open. And I was like, the whole time I kept thinking, why? Why do you get to be, why do you get to date a bunch and have a wife? You're not cute. I hate you. And then he was so boring. Then he made me meet him in like woodland

hills woodland hills yes it was so far away for just like a burger that's like insane is that where he lived uh he lives somewhere in the valley i think he worked in woodland hills and was like just meet me after work good grief i like, this is now work for me. Drive partway, dude. At least do like Studio City. You know? Yes, that would be nice. Although I do have a sex date tonight in Woodland Hills.

A sex date? Yes. Wait, what is that? So I got a little horny. And then I went on Tinder. And then I was swiping, specifically not reading, just like looking at one or two pictures being like, can I have sex with this person? Are they attractive to me? Found one. He hit me up. He kept texting. And then I was like, do you want to just meet up? And he was like, yes,

great. Here. And I was like, give me your address. And then he was like, yeah, tell me some sexy things. And I was like, no, let's just have sex. And he was like, oh, okay. He was like, I was willing to do a little but no okay great i was like i don't want to sex what what's the sense in sex i don't know you yeah what are you going to picture yeah i can't he's like can you picture my cock and you're like no because i haven't seen it and i don't want to see a picture of it because what's that gonna do also no man is good at photographing his dick like is that part of the problem? It's like, I don't want to see it in the first place, but also your photography skills are lacking.

They're bad. I feel like men are just bad in general at taking pictures. Oh, I thought you were just going to say in general. And I was like, me, I think so too. I do say on stage now, I'm like, men are trash, but I do want a boyfriend. It's a very hard place to be. It's very true because I get so angry with men but then I'm like but I want one long term I do think that's part of the dating thing for me though is like I I go in going all right you're

gonna have to exist at a certain level of denial if you want to make this work because you know you won't get the depth you do from your female friendships you know it's not going to be as fulfilling you can't go to him for everything he's not going to you're going to explain his feelings and yours and like at that point it's i think that's when i'm like one of me is in the date and then the other me is looking at me going what the fuck are you doing like yeah i guess relationships are truly adding another layer of work to your life especially with men yeah i guess i mean i've been in a relationship with a woman so i don't know but i've been in relationships with all my girlfriends and that's a joy i've never been in a sexual relationship with a woman or like a long like a romantic, right. Yeah. But the sexual ones I've had have been good.

They've been better. It's easier to talk. Yeah. But then sometimes I find myself being withholding and I'm like, ah, is this how, is that what men walk around being like, I can't tell you all my feelings? I don't know. Ooh, we have to take a break. And we're back. Boop-a-da-boo.

What a treat. Oh, I feel rested. Yes, yes, yes. Just a break from talking. What's the worst date you've ever been on? You know, I think I have had worse relationships than dates. Okay. I think probably the worst relationship I was in, I was with a guy who I knew on the first date that I didn't really like him.

And we just didn't – we didn't have much to talk about. But I hadn't dated anyone in truly years. I mean, this is how far I go between dates. And a lot of my friends were like, oh, he's so nice. Like, oh my gosh, you guys went on a date. That's so great. And I don't know why, but I really was like, oh, like, cool. This is like a person people like. And I somehow just sort of tumbled into it. And he wasn't not, I was correct. He was not likable. He was like, kind of mean and sexually bad and like lied. Like he really was. And I

stayed in it for like nine or 10 months, but he was a true nightmare. Oh, that sucks. It sucks when you're like, I think this person might be bad. And then everyone around you is like, they're great and they're nice and they're kind. I lie to myself all the time. I have been on a couple of dates where the first date I was like, well, that person was nice to talk to. I don't think I'm sexually attracted to them. I don't think they're sexually attracted to me. But they were nice, and I love them.

And I'm gonna go out with them again, and I'm gonna marry them. I went on like six or seven dates with this one dude who I was like you are not attracted to me and i'm attracted to your face and not your personality and and your body but like that's about it right i don't like the thought of you inside me it makes me upset wait so you were attracted to his face and body but not you didn't want to have sex with him? No, not in the slightest.

Yeah. His personality must have been real bad. He thought he was really funny. Yeah. And would say things that he thought were funny. And then I would be like, okay, ha ha ha. And then I would say something that was infinitely funnier. And then he wouldn't laugh at my jokes.

And I was like, oh, this is a joke competition between someone who doesn't do comedy. You're like dating someone. And someone who does comedy. Yeah. It's like going on a date with someone who would at reply you on Twitter. Yes. Who would be like, oh my gosh, you just said something funny and I want to tell you why. Yes.

Yes. Ugh. And then he just loved to explain things to me. And I know that sometimes I may sound real dumb. Sometimes I am real dumb. The other day I looked at a menu and I was like, what's a what's a blow drink? And the person I was with was like, that says bowl. I was like, maybe I'm dyslexic. I will say a bowl drink would throw me as well. It comes in a bowl. Yeah, I guess it did come in a bowl.

I don't know. I didn't inquire further. Then I was driving with a friend and there was a curb and I was like, the speed limit for this curb is 53. What a weird number. She was like 35. I was like, uh-huh, okay. Do you do that with just numbers or just no i did it with because you did it well you just said that i do it with

numbers and i used to deliver pizza when i was like 18 19 years old and i could not for the life of me remember a number for more than five seconds and so i would look at the address and i'd be like okay it's five three seven one eight and i'd look up and I'd be like okay I'm looking for 53817 and I would I would be like where is it it doesn't exist and I would finally look down and be like oh okay it's 718 and like immediately I'd look up and be looking for 817 I mean this happened every fucking delivery I was like I just I don't look at numbers and then have them in my head no oh because and I don't do that with words. Just numbers. Just numbers. Numbers are hard for me to remember because they're just so arbitrary.

What's a two? They're just random. What's a four? Change it up, probably the same. What's a six? What are they? And some people think of numbers in colors. Have you heard of this?

No. It's like an actual, it has a name, and who cares what it is. But some people, and they just learn this innately, they associate every number with a color. And they're generally really good with numbers because it's so clear to them. For them, it's like reading where the colors make sense in a row. Oh. And it's different for everybody. It's not like, oh, everyone sees seven as peach.

Interesting. Yeah. My friend Mateo can hear color really see color hear color when he listens to music or he can't talk he can't listen to talk radio because he like sees color when they're talking he sees color like in front of his eyes and to the point that he can't so yeah turn the radio down when we're in the car because he's like my ugh, my head. I mean, I have a similar thing where if music is just even a slightly too loud,

I cannot hear the conversation. Like the two things, I have to have music pretty low if I'm going to be talking to people. I was in a Lyft and the guy was blasting a very boring podcast and it was like a boring comedy podcast and it was like a boring comedy podcast

and i was like oh i want to die because it was just like and then he's like kind of swerving and i was like this is my own personal hell listening to someone talk about wrestling and being funny about it with this like man driving very poorly with all his windows up and no air on. Oh God. And then at one point he turned around, he's like, did you fart?

And I was like, what? No. He asked you if you farted? Yes. And I was like, which is like such an admission on his part. Yes.

Only two people could have done it. I said, I think you farted. And he said, no, I didn't fart. And then we talked about farting for 30 more seconds

as this comedy podcast was droning on and on. And then we got to my house and I got out and I was like, have a good night with your farts. And he was like, no, you farted! God damn. Then I rated him two stars and said, wouldn't stop talking about farts.

That's insane. Like, that person shouldn't be driving humans. No. A lot of people in these ride shares shouldn't be driving people. Should not be driving people. I got into one lift at the airport, and she was, I, like, saw the car. I was walking towards her from behind the car, then I knocked on the window. So she, cause she looked like she was driving away and she was like turned around very

scared. And then I opened the door and I was like, hi Nicole. And she was like, yes. And I was like, okay, thanks.

I was like, actually, can you just like, uh, at LAX you can cut through. So it's like terminal one, two, and then you can turn to get to six and then leave the airport.

And I was like, can you just like make that turn? She's like, Nope, that's three lanes of traffic. And six and then leave the airport and i was like can you just like make that turn she's like nope that's three lanes of traffic and i'm not doing that and i was like it would just be easier and she's like do you want to get out of this car you have a bad attitude and i was like oh my god you and i was like no fine however you would like to drive is fine i don't want to wait for another lift how old was she because she seems like she's like a mom she was older she was an older lady that's that's that tone is like a tone that I feel like I heard when I was like seven from other people's moms. And I was like, oh, God, I'm so scared. Yeah, or like a tone from my mother.

Nicole, Michelle. Oh, my God. What have I done? She was the worst. Have you ever dated comedy people? Yeah. Was that good or bad? Well, one was the nightmare.

I guess in the last few years, that's all I've dated because that's all I've really met. I mean, yeah, they've been, I mean, you heard what I said. They're all pretty, they've all been pretty not great. I, and not like they were so terrible. I don't think it's because they're comedy people, honestly. I do think it's my predilection to losers. But the person I... Listen.

They probably don't listen to this, right? These aren't men who want to hear dating stories. I think most people who listen to this seem to be women and gay men. Which seems to be my whole fan base. Or straight men whose girlfriends have dragged them to a show,

and then they wait after the show to tell me, when I was in Raleigh, North Carolina, this straight man who was with his girlfriend was like, hey, I just need you to know, I had no idea who you were before tonight. What's the show she was on? Girl Time? His girlfriend was like, Girl Code.

He was like, Girls Talk. I've never seen Girls Talk. And I was like girl code. He was like, girls talk. I never seen girls talk. And I was like, why isn't he listening? And then he was like, and I'd never heard of nailed them. And I was like, nailed it.

He was like, never heard of it, but you are funny. I was like, I don't know why this man needed me to know so much that he didn't know who I was and is going to butcher the names of the shows I've been on just to tell me that he thought I was funny I was like I feel like you're trying to beat me down to lift me up and I was like run girl run he's bad either that or he was so dumb that he was like

it's a compliment because like I usually only like celebrities I didn't even know you were one I didn't even know you were a person that people liked yeah that's what straight men love to say to me or they like to whisper things in my ear like i'll eat your pizza wait what i have a joke about pizza that is not sexual but then i guess it's the thing they remember the most so then they'll make it sexual and i'm like this is very confusing to me and they're usually with a girlfriend. Men are trash, but I want a boyfriend. Men are trash. What were you saying?

I rudely interrupted you. Oh, I was going to say the last person that I told you that was a good three dates was a comedy person. That was good. I guess the first comedy person I dated, I was in 101. I never hooked up with anybody in any of my improv classes because my 101 was a lot like a couple stand ups who thought they were so funny. And then college kids because it was during the summer and I was slightly older.

I was 21. So they were like 18, 19. So I was like, you know, 21 is older than 18, 19. I was like, I count with these children. And then my 201 class, everybody was like 45 or older. Oh, wow. I was like, I count with these children. And then my 201 class, everybody was like 45 or older. Oh, wow. Everyone was super old. And this was New York, right?

Yeah, New York. And then my 301, I don't remember my 301, but I remember my 401 class because it was filled with garbage people. And only like six people came to our grad show. So we just performed twice. And like nobody showed up to class. It was one of the worst classes I'd ever been in. Yeah, I never made out with anybody in classes.

Performers, of course. I mean, we all had to make out with someone on a Herald team when we weren't on a Herald team. You had to. It's part of the fun. That's how you get on a Herald the fun that's how you get on a herald that's how you get on one how else have i known how to be on a herald team if i didn't make out with a herald member you have to make out with them so they know you're funny i got vetted i've made out with one of your people and now i want to be on your team let me in they did i put them on their mat on my resume improv is such a funny thing where it was fully

and utterly my life for a solid five six years oh my god i used to go to the facebook show every week for like a full year and harold knight i would go i was always at harold knight whether my team was up or not same uh and then harold knight in new york here it's so if you don't know harold knight is the house improv teams at UCB, the Bright Citizens Brigade Theater. So Herald Night here is four teams. Two shows, four teams. Per night, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. In New York, it is five teams, one show. And the way they did it in New York was way more competitive than out here. So the anchor spot was the fourth spot. And that meant you were the best team and you performed every Tuesday of the month. The fifth slot was the worst team. And you only got two slots or one slot a month. And you would be so sad when you were that fifth slot because then everyone would leave after the fourth slot.

Because everyone wanted you to know that you were the bad team. So you'd like perform to like a sparse crowd. And my first couple months on Herald Night, we were always in that fifth slot. And we were like, we gotta get out. We gotta get that anchor spot. Then I was on a team where we had the anchor spot for a little bit.

And I was like, yeah, baby. Improv is such a weird thing that's not tangible. And neither is the feeling you get when people admire you for making shit up on stage. It really is. I still can't believe how much fun I'll just have in a show now. And I would say I have way more fun now than I used to because I used to get way more of an adrenaline rush. So that was part of the fun. But there was also like an unknown of like, I hope I have a good show.

I hope my team doesn't get broken up. I hope people come. And being good was so important. And now I think it's much more like, oh my God, we're adults. And we get to just go say shit to each other and try to fuck with each other and make each other laugh. Like that part is, and we get to do it for an audience. It's so, yeah. And your show is so

fun because it's like a little round table and then improv off of it i mean and that round top we loved having you thank you that was so much fun it was a real treat it really is just like getting it's how we hang out except obviously we have to slightly taper the topics, but really not by much. No, no. It got pretty wild if I remember correctly. I have no memory for anything. I'll be like, that was a fun one. Don't know what we talked about. It was very fun.

I remember nothing from it. Okay, Erin, I want you to go through my, let's have you go through my hinge because that's what I've been using more than Tinder right now. Okay. Okay. Let's find the hinge. Oh, I matched with this man who has all of the teeth on hinge or he liked me and I was like, I can't like you back. You have too many teeth.

Like sharks? Like you look like there were rows and rows of them? I think he had fake teeth and they were like brand new fake teeth because they are so white. This is my fear with getting any work done. It's like you want to get a little thing done, but then I feel like that's all people see. Well, yes. But you have to get it done well to the point where the doctor's like, I'm not going to make them look brand spanking new. Right.

But I'm just going to improve what you have. Yeah, like a toddler, not like a new. Yes. Like just that fresh tooth. Before I let you look at it. Okay. I want to tell you about this man who, so on Hinge, it's pictures. And then you don't have, there's not a space for you, like an about me space.

You just answer questions. And then the person can like a picture or like a question. And then they have an option of writing something to you to be like, why? Why do you like tomatoes? I don't know if you're like my favorite thing is a tomato. So I have a picture of me squatting next to a Barbie Jeep. And he wrote, they see me rolling. They see me hating patrolling and trying to catch me riding dirty. So I i'm glad you still like little chingy but then i realized that's not little chingy that's a different song then i said i got my 2000s rappers confused it's chameleon air and then he never responded he never replied after he made like i feel like he made a good effort with that first comment right yeah and then i

made a good effort by responding and then realizing i was wrong. And I'm like, I'm telling you that I can admit when I'm wrong. Yeah, I find that very charming, honestly. In any person, when they don't care that they made a mistake, in fact, think it's funny. Yes. And then he, nothing. How long ago is this? This was like three days ago. This is what I don't understand with these apps.

Because I've heard you say that so often it's timing or you're busy. Is it possible he just hasn't signed on? Or can you see that? I don't think I can see it. This Barbie Jeep photo is absolutely adorable. Thank you. I really also love that you showcase the wigs. You know what's funny is now I'm seeing the picture with the dildo.

And I'm fine with it. I hadn't seen the one that we were talking about and to me it's so big that there's no that there's no possible way I was not picturing it it's like your height in the picture yes essentially because it's and I think if I wanted to be like I use this I think I would write I use this yeah and you're standing also in front of what looks like some sort of comic book. It looks like you're at an event. Yes. Nicole, I take it all back.

Erin, thank you. I love climbing the bookcase. You look amazing in the bodysuit, first of all. Thank you. Got to show that body. Also, do you have the Wave Runner picture of you in the gold bikini on here anywhere? No. Should I put it on there?

I couldn't believe. I want that poster in my room like to me i was like this is a show from the 80s like thank you you're miami vice but just you i'll tell you something i love i love a wave runner a jet ski whatever you want to call them i love them we were supposed to go see dolphins but we didn't see not one dolphin. Well, if I were a dolphin, I wouldn't come near that thing. Me either. Also, I was like, are there dolphins in Miami?

I would think. I mean, listen, I certainly have no facts here, but it feels like there would be. Fair. I would think there wouldn't be. They're probably there raping all the tourists. Oh, no. Dolphins do. Dolphins are rapists.

Yes. They're not very nice. Dolphins do. Dolphins are rapists. Yes, they're not very nice. I'm so curious. So, like, literally the only thing people can see about you is this fact that you don't know song lyrics? Mm-hmm. That's it? Mm-hmm. Well, that and I said my childhood crush is Captain Picard.

Wait, where's that? You gotta scroll. Keep scrolling. Best driver and mechanic. Yeah, that's what I wanted to be when I grew up. Oh, I didn't read the childhood crush part. Okay, I got it. This is interesting. So, like, I would swipe yes on this or whatever you do on Hinge so quickly because, to me, every single one of these is sincere but also funny.

Like, none of them are insane. What did I want to be when I grew up, a bus driver or a mechanic. That's cute. Captain Picard. I loved that bald-headed man. So is Hinge then like for relationships more than hooking up? It seems as if it – I think – okay. I think Tinder seems to be just for hooking up.

Yeah. Maybe you'll find a relationship. Bumble seems like it was for relationships and now it's a little bit more hook-up-y. Because I've had two dudes be like, let's fuck. And I'm like, eh, alright. And then Coffee Meets Bagels, the worst app in the world. Yeah, I've heard you say that. It sounds, I mean, just awful.

It also sounds like an app that I'd me emails they keep saying this is the best app for men and i'm like this is a lady um stop telling me that men are having a great time on it i am not i don't want to get more beans so then i'm also on and then raya seems to be in my experience like a networking site it doesn't seem as if anybody is interested in a relationship i just also feel like it's so exclusionary if that's a word exclusive exclusive that's the word i wanted i like exclusionary it just kind of feels like i don't know that i'd want to date someone to whom it was important to have gotten on Raya like because it feels like it's very much like are you somebody are you an influencer I've heard you say too that it's racist I've never been on it but I obviously believe you um

in a way I get it I I understand that like once you are well known and I think you've run into this problem, you don't want to date fans. So I get it for that purpose. Like you want to at least get people out of there who are like, oh, my God, you're on TV. You're cool. And then that's the end of the conversation. It is. It happens a lot. Yeah.

I don't understand why people think that's the venue where I want to hear a compliment. I get it for that. What I think with Hinge, the only thing I wish to hear a compliment. I get it for that. What I think with Hinge, the only thing I wish it had was like, like a mission statement. I feel like I want you to be able to say because I feel like I've heard you say this on the day on this podcast so many times, but I don't think I've heard you say that it was like part of your profile for any of these is that you've really said, listen, like I, I love sex. I like I love dicks. Like it's all great. But like, I also just would love to be in something with somebody and like I I love sex like I love dicks like it's all great but like I also just would love to be in something with somebody and like fall in love with them why can't you just

write that exact thing like I would love it and I would love to just tell someone I connect with that like can we just lock this up please but I feel like that would scare somebody away but then is that someone who you would ever work out with anyway that's what mary my therapist said she says you don't say what you're feeling you're just prolonging the inevitable i mean i truly feel like it's why i've dated who i've dated because i'm so scared of like offering myself that i'm like i'll go down here and then i'm like why don't they want me it's like yeah because you're picking from a bad fucking pool yeah i don't know man i just when you said that once i was like god that's so clear and great and i'm sure you get lots of men who are like no thanks which would be good i don't know i guess it would just narrow the pool down

to only people who are seriously looking for a relationship and i feel like there's a way to phrase it that's not like, and I want to fall in love with you this week, right? Because it's more like you're open to it. Yes. Yeah. But then also I'm very curious. I don't even know.

Well, how many dates does it take before you're like, how do you know when someone isn't dating someone anymore? Like everyone's dating a bunch of people on apps, but how do you know when they stop dating someone and they're only dating you? Is that a conversation you have to have? Well, so this is a conversation that I have and I granted it didn't work once because the guy continued to date people, but I won't date someone if they're dating other people. It grosses me out. And I, it's not a commitment thing. It's not because I'm like, I'm jealous and I need you to just be with me. It's

that I'm like, you know what? If we have a night where we're going to kiss, I don't want to think that you kissed someone the night before who might have just been getting herpes and then you're going to give me herpes. Like, I'm very germy. No, not germy. I'm germophobic. I'm also probably germy because I'm a human. But I don't like that.

And I remember saying to, I think it was actually John early that I was like, yeah, I just, I don't know. I'm weird. I don't like to date people, you know, when when they're dating other people. And he was like, honey, that's not weird. Like, that's totally fine. Just fucking go for that. Like, I don't think that's weird.

I just don't know how to, like, broach the topic. I feel like if someone asked you out or you were to ask someone out after, say, like the first date. That's when I or maybe I don't know after the second date let's say even that's when i might be like hey just an fyi and i don't want you to think this is a commitment talk or a relationship talk because it in no way is and this is me don't talk like me you'll know it won't work out but i like this is a thing I don't enjoy. If that's true for you, but it might not be true for you. Like. I don't, I never think someone is dating other people even though I know they are, if that makes any sense.

Yeah. Like, I just assume, like, I read somewhere that it was like men are dating six different women at a time on apps. And I was like, that makes me feel terrible. It doesn't surprise me at all. But it just seems exhausting. I'm like, these men don't have jobs. But, yeah, like when I start to like somebody, I do want to be the only person that they're, you know, sleeping with or whatever. But then I also go out of town so much.

So then I'm like, that's also a conversation that's like, I guess you can sleep with other people when I'm out of town. But then that's like a very relationship thing. But what does that really have to do with anything? I mean, to me, that's like, if you're into someone, you're into somebody. And like who you are is that you work a lot and you're going to be out of town sometimes. I don't think you should have to apologize for that by being like, I guess I should make this up for you to you by like, OK, you can fuck other people. It's like why you're busy and successful. That's awesome.

So they should fucking wait for you. Am I like a Mormon prude? That was nice to hear. But also, I don't want to fuck up your mojo because I'm gone a lot. What? By mojo, you mean just like. If you're a sexual person who likes to fuck, I don't want to stand in the way of you having sex because I'm gone for months at a time or weeks at a time. My.

OK. My feeling is that if they just need to have sex that badly, then they should come visit you. Mm. Or jerk off. Jerking off is great. Jerking off is wonderful. Jerking off. Have it your way.

And I just learned that you can jerk off into an egg. That it's a sex toy. Wait, like a hard-boiled egg? No, like a sex egg. Oh, like a vagina. like it feels like a vagina what is what it's called tanga and i thought this was like that peach from that movie a peach did you see the movie with uh uh it's called call me by your name i did not see call me by your name because it started off too dang slow ah well he fuck, he fucks a peach, so, I mean, you really got to wait for it.

I mean, but a peach. A peach is not that different from a hard-boiled egg, right? But a peach is small. Did he have a small little dick? Well, he was pretty young. Oh, boy. I've never thought about fucking food. That seems wild.

And I know, like, a cucumber is a prime food to fuck i is it like i feel like at that point we can all afford a dildo i mean i mean you're right when are you gonna be like where are you in life that you're like shoot i don't have a dildo, but I do have a zucchini. I do have $1.29. Oh, no hotel is going to have $1.29. To go get me a zucchini to fuck. And I mean, boy, you'd really have to trim that.

I mean, they have little stems. I guess you'd have to put a condom on it. I guess you would. I was looking at this sex torso. Okay. Here's the thing. I was looking at this sex torso okay here's a thing I don't like getting on top of men

because you can see them and I think eye contact is more intimate I think it's very intimate to have eye contact

during sex so I don't do it and you don't do it like even if you're in love with somebody I've never been in love with anybody

and I've only done it with one person who I thought I was in love with, but they were a very bad, bad, bad, bad, bad man. Yeah. And I was with someone who was like, get on top. And I was like, no. And then later was like, well, maybe I should just get over it. So then I was like, well, let me find a sex doll to practice on. So then I. To practice eye contact with a doll.

Nope. So then I looked on Amazon. I googled sex torso with penis. Found one on Amazon. But all the reviews were terrible. They were like... He doesn't look back at me when I look at him. Poor eye contact. Says nothing when I look at him. Poor eye contact.

Says nothing when I confess my sins. One of the reviews was my wife used it nine times and the penis fell right off. Okay. Can you fucking imagine like that urgent care visit? Yes. We were like, the penis is inside me and it broke off halfway. It just really broke off and I can't. The one person was like, they were, they

handled the return very well. And I was like, you can return a sex torso? God damn. That makes me scared to order one because I'm like, has this been used? Does this penis have like a crack that's been crazy going back on? And then you have to use a condom with this sex torso because

you don't know where this torso has been. I mean, it's not really safe anywhere these days. No, not even with a doll. This is very – did you see – I'm sure you didn't because this movie is obscure even for its time. But did you see the movie Mumford by any chance? No. It is one of my favorite movies even though it's ridiculous. It's Jason Lee and whoever, it's, it's Jason Lee

and whoever, whatever, a bunch of other actors whose names I forget. But this guy has never been in a relationship but he's a billionaire

and he invents these like absolutely realistic women to have sex with but it's like, normally I would find this creepy but he's such,

it's Jason Lee and he's like such a sweetheart in it that he's like, he's so like, just doesn't know how to date and like just really wants the intimacy. Like this is reminding me of like, it's just very sweet. I'm Mumford. I'm trying to create intimacy with a headless doll.

Oh wait, actually this is much more like, what's that one movie with Ryan Gosling where he actually orders the whole sex doll? Oh, Lars and the Real Girl. I love that movie, too. It is a very good movie. You're Lars. I'm Lars and the Real Girl. But I did make a sex appointment for today to practice writing somebody.

Are you going to make eye contact? I guess. It's an interesting thing, though, to practice when you think about it because it's like, do you? The intimacy is so different if you know it's a sex date than if you're into someone so it's it's an it's if you literally were like oh i'm you know i'm someone who has a hard time looking someone in the eye but you're clearly not no i can look you in the eye just like not during sex because i have a hard time separating sex from like this is a bond yeah which my therapist is like that's most

women yeah that's me so i try to like make rules up in my head where i'm like well if i don't look at you that means i can't fall in love with you everything to me is a movie now i'm like oh you're julia roberts i never kiss on the lips it's too intimate i mean kissing is pretty intimate it is um but yeah i'm gonna ride that man today and practice also i practiced on marcy jerro the other night you wrote her and you made eye contact i said marcy can i ride you she said sure nicole if that's something you really want to do and did you guys look at each other in the eye i did and we giggled a bunch i mean i would laugh so hard doing that with a girlfriend i can't even imagine.

But it was a very, I was like, oh, this is, I see why people like it. It's a powerful position. Yeah. I don't do it because I've caught

my fucking iPhone phone open when my head is down like that and it's a goddamn nightmare. I'm not going to let my skin fall off my skull in front of somebody. I got to be on the bottom where my angle is good. I mean, truly, I like doggy style because I think it's civilized.

You're doing you. I do me. And then we cuddle when we're done. For the longest time, I honestly thought doggy style was that one person was a dog and one person was the person. That's honestly perfect. Because one person is standing on two feet-ish or knees. Dogs don't do that. No, I had one friend who thought it was anal. And I was like, so you thought every time someone was doing doggy style it was anal? She was like, yeah, I just thought women loved anal. That is so funny.

I can't believe how anal. That is so fun. There was, I can't believe how anal has become such a normal thing. Like when I was younger, it was like, you would maybe talk about it, but it was like, oh, maybe with your boyfriend. It's like, he really wanted to, even though I would never, cause that's gross. And then the other day there was like a Cosmo article that was like the 10 best ways to make anal good for you. And I was like, Cosmo? Cosmo? Cosmo did this thing to me where it said there's the new best sex position. So I bought the full ass magazine and I read it and it was just doggy style. And I was like, I was hoodwinked.

Cosmo has probably been recycling the same articles for the last 50 years. Oh, for years and years. And there was an article where it was like letters to the editor or whatever. And it was like, hi, there's a condom stuck in me. And I was like, what? This can't be real. You can't have a condom stuck in you and you're writing a letter waiting for somebody to answer it. Well, right.

And it's like, should I go to the emergency room? Please write back. Please. You should have been at the emergency room? Please write back. Please. You should have been at the emergency room. Also, you probably smell disgusting. All right, Erin, on that note, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah, why don't you go watch a Wild Horses show at Largo or UCB. You can follow us at Wild Horse Show on Instagram.

And follow me at Girl With A Tail on Twitter and Instagram. And they have merch. So if you want merch to put on your dating profile, you can. Yeah, that guy's doing really well, we bet. Okay. If you liked this episode, you can subscribe and rate it five stars. And if you leave a little nasty review, I will read it. So this is from John Wayne Gracie.

Hey, Nicole, love the podcast. It makes me want to stick one hand up your pussy and the other hand off your butt and high five myself. Thanks for the laughs oh what a treat bye This has been a Team Coco production.