Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Gay Twins (w/ Joel Kim Booster)

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

"I was apart of an orgy on a ship, where I looked over at my friend who was wearing this guy like a fucking bracelet" Joel Kim Booster joins Nicole to discuss their favorite porn narratives, cock and ball torture, and Joel describes his experience dating multiple sets of gay twins. A guy who ghosted Nicole is starting his own dating podcast, and it's not sitting well for her. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I am still single, even though you can literally kick me in the pussy and I'll say thank you.

My... Oh my god. Such violent imagery. Kick me right in the post. Get away from her. My bodyguard that you're listening to right now is a person who I host a fucking podcast with. It's called What the Tuck. We recap RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars Season 4.

We don't hold anything back. And he's got his own Comedy Central half hour. You've seen him on Conan. He's just so delightfully funny. Also, you're in a Chris Rock movie, right? For like a second. Well, guys, watch the movie for a hot second. And after you see Joel, turn it off.

My guest is Joel Kim Booster. Hello. That's right. You can watch any Chris Rock movie. I'm actually, you can watch any Chris Rock movie and I'm in it for a second. It's a weird thing about my career is that I have appeared for briefly in every Chris Rock

movie. Well, some people don't know when you get signed to an agency, you get a rider. And then you demand what things you want to be in. Wait, Nicole, speaking of riders, can I tell you that the last college that we did together yes what college it was in iowa and i have a joke about iowa and midway through i was like you gotta stop saying they're shitting i was yes in the university of iowa we were there god bless

them great kids great show but um they asked me um before i got there they were like what do you want do you want anything in your dressing room and i was like just like a red bull and some fruit and they're like what kind of fruit and i was like you know like mango pineapple thinking they'd go to the store no and get like one of those fruit you know pre-cut i walk into my fucking dressing room and there was a red bull and a full uncut pineapple and uncut mango sitting on the table. And I was like, thank you so much. You may take this away. You may take this away.

Honestly, how funny. Some poor student was like, well, he wants a pineapple. I don't know what he's going to do with it. But surely he doesn't want it cut. So just put it on the table i don't i didn't get it this is not an easy school to get into you have to be smart it really i think so university of iowa is like um it's not the states it's not like the state school it's like it's not like easy you can't float right in it's like a challenging school to get into interesting i know zero about colleges you know

because your girl didn't go to a real one wait where did you go i went to the american musical and dramatic academy people call it scam you better like the week before i went i went and saw taboo on broadway because i'm gay as fuck i'm the only person who's seen taboo six and a half times two of those times were just the second half where I snuck in. Oh my God. But these like adorable men were standing in front of me. I don't want to say they're gay because who knows their actual sexual identity, but they seemed like they was gaming. And they were like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm going to go back to another semester of

scamda. And another one was like, amda honey, call it amda. And I was like, scamda, amda, that's where I'm going to go next month. And then I went and guess what? honey call it amda and i was like scamda amda that's where i'm gonna go next month and then i went and guess what it is a scam also they they have never approached me to be part of their alumni that is so funny i um i feel like most like half the at least half the drag queen population of new york are graduates of scamda really that's so funny um monet's assistant uh i like recognized his he like posted his old headshot and i was like did you go to amda and he was like i sure did and i was like what year and he went like a little bit after me but i was like you look so much like someone i know who went

to amda it's a wild, small, little world. I think a lot of theater schools are scams, though. At this point, I mean, theater training. It's hard for me because I'm in so much debt to this day from theater school. And I had a good experience at my theater school. I had a blast. I learned a lot. It did sort of shape me into the person I am today.

But at the same time, thinking about all of the practical experience, like if a kid came to me today and was like, what should I do? Should I go to theater school? I'd be like, take a couple of years off, go to a city, take a fucking improv class or an acting class and just like live in that city for a while. And I think you will probably come out basically the same

without the debt. I fully agree with you well just like take every 18 year old should be taking two years off at least i think high school should teach practical shit like how come nobody's ever like you know you're like what do you want to be when you grow up and a kid's like an astronaut and like if the kid's not smart you should be like maybe you should be a like a plumber yeah like work with your hands maybe you're smarter with your hands and not like about like trade schools too it's like we always need plumbers we always need electricians we always need someone to fix a washer and dryer and i mean not for us not us they charge a lot of money yeah they make a lot of money my friend uh

who is a pastor and is just swimming in like grad school debt like for the rest of her life her husband is like a cement worker and makes more in a month than she does in a year. Construction workers make so much money. And guess what they do most of the time? Suntan and wave at women. I'm always waving at construction workers. It is crazy. We went through this time where we're like, fuck home ec.

Home ec is bullshit. And now I'm like, I wish I could sew a dress. Yeah, I wish i knew how to crack an egg um i cannot crack an egg it is it we are those people in those infomercials who are like we're the black and white portion before it becomes color i'm like oh no there's no there's egg all over my counter i'm eating shells i mean i'm constantly eating shells i'll make scrambled eggs and they will be crunchy like i am not i i lived in la for almost a year barely over here but i don't be good.

Okay, can I just share with you a DM that I got recently? Okay, so this girl, I won't say her name because, you know, we don't need to do that. No doxing. No need to dox. But she contacted me forever ago in September and was like I just started listening to your podcast because I'm confused why men won't date me I rule anyway I want you to know that I went on four dates with a dude

from Bumble and every single date he brought up how he went on a date with you and talked about it for 15 minutes like it was brand new information men are very proud to have dated you I can't wait to listen to more and I was like really who and then it was this guy. And she told me his name and what he looked like. And I was like, yep, I remember him.

I sent him the most interesting message of his fucking life. He was like, we're the best donuts in LA. I may have mentioned this on the podcast before. But anyway, he was like, what are the best donuts in LA? And I was like, I don't fucking know. The only hole I care about is my pussy. And it made me laugh really hard. And we went on date he didn't kiss me and then he ghosted me and then um and now he's bragging about it all over fucking town and then she dms me again

yesterday and goes wait ha ha the guy that ghosted both of us is starting a podcast wondering why he's single yes so she sent me a screenshot from his Facebook. It was like, in case you missed it, I'm launching a new podcast as a Christmas present for you. That's what we need. Join me and three of my friends as we try to figure out why no one will love us and regrettably take a long look in the mirror.

Oh, God. And then it's called, it sounds like this man who went on a date with me and then ghosted me is trying to take my shit away from me. He's trying to take. He's trying to usurp me. Wait. Isn't that bonkers fucking bananas? That is crazy.

Oh, wait. Maybe I should have said the name of his podcast. Yeah. I was just about to say. I was like, now we can all sort of connect the dots. Yeah. So maybe you take that out. Maybe just bleep just yeah can you bleep it can my bleep sound like this just isolate that just isolate that because honestly that's the last thing that he

needs is like the airtime on this podcast advertising his right because then people be like oh let's listen to it oh i'm sure it's like four dudes and it's like we all know why no one's dating well here's i could tell him the reason why he's single he keeps ghosting people um when you leave the situation you left it here's the thing though i do think three dates and under you can ghost here's i don't agree well i mean we went on one date and he ghosted i wasn't like butthurt about it i was just like whatever and truly forgot about him yeah because he was the least interesting person i've ever met and thank god he has a podcast yeah thank god now everyone can be like you're boring dude but i'm sure a lot of other boring men will be like you're speaking

my truth man jesus because boring people love boring fucking people um one date i think you could ghost you don't owe me anything i think three dates i think three dates is like where it gets dicey i do think yeah you absolutely can i tell you yes i got ghosted after three dates when i was living in new york and i didn't even like this guy that much but it sort of like drove it just like drove me crazy because i was like no we it's four after date four and i was like this is unconscionable like we're adults you like this is crazy and then literally less than two weeks later his twin brother messages me on grinder and i knew he had a twin i knew he was gay i obviously like clearly we weren't that serious that like i never was introduced to the twin or anything like that. And I had a real and like we exchanged pictures and like we're fully going to do it.

And I had this moment of crisis, moral crisis where I was like, I can't do this. I can't like I can't do this out of revenge. But also like what if I fall in love with him? And then like I get into deep story. And then he takes me home for a family event and like I have to avoid the other twin and then it all comes out and I say you know I did start dating you out of revenge but now I really

like you. Honestly this is your moment. This is your rom-com. I'm saying. You at a Christmas Eve dinner avoiding one of the immediate family members of like the four people there i will say though it would probably turn less into a rom-com and more into like some weird mid-90s thriller

where i like immediately fuck him and then turn over and go you fuck like your brother he fucked like your brother dan i know all the ins and outs of your body already can i say that i've already practiced he is the fourth twin that I dated. Oh, is that your thing? I guess so. I keep attracting them like fucking, I don't know. Interesting. Have you ever fucked the twins at the same time? No, but here's the thing.

All of them have had gay brothers. And the thing about twins, even identical twins, especially when they're gay, one is always a little bit hotter. Interesting. And I never get the hot one i always after the fact see a picture of one of the other ones and i'm like oh no i hope one of the twins like that you dated is currently listening to this podcast sharing an earbud and then the like the uglier one is just like it's me i literally i said this on i can't remember what podcast i had mentioned that statistic to.

And then I next day check Twitter and the guy. This is the twin that I dated in high school. His twin brother had apparently been like following me on social media. And he was like, apparently I'm the hotter twin, according to Joel Kambooster. So what a thrill for them. Miles and Zach, I hope you're listening. Yes, Miles and Zach, if you're listening, please let us know on Twitter at Nicole Byer. I hate Joel Kim Booster.

Is Kim your middle name? Kim is my birth last name that my parents, I think legally speaking, it is technically my middle name, but I also have another. My full name is Joel Alexander Kim Booster. But yeah, Kim is my last name at birth. And my parents, I think it's like a little homage a little homage to the ogs we're like let's slap this on and you know what i

fucking hated it growing up really i did i always i like only isn't it i there was so much of my life i went by joel booster which sounds in swing to me now like can't imagine i am joel booster joel booster just like sounds so flat and then in college it flipped and i was like when i get out of school my stage name is going to be joel kim and that's it i like joel kim booster i can't imagine my name a great name it's the only one it's you were the only one it's a perfect name isn't it funny how you hate like okay did you hate the kim part because it was tied to your ethnicity absolutely it is so like growing up i hate it wearing barrettes and like little balls in my hair you know how like little black girls have their hair braided up and shit i used to hate it

i was like that's not how the little girls look at my school all the white ones their hair is wet and mad and nasty i want my hair to be wet and nasty slick it back slick it back mama slick it back put it on a ponytail on top of my head uh And now I'm like, I would wear the balls. I braid my hair sometimes. I wear cornrows. Like, I didn't like cornrows in the summer. I was like, the girls don't look like. It's, becoming self-aware that you are an other and enjoying it is very hard in your youth.

It's really hard. Especially, like, I don't. enjoying it is very hard in your youth it's really hard especially like i don't i i just like i feel bad because my parents were actually like really great about like being like hey do you want to like learn korean or like go and like experience your culture like they weren't like pushing they weren't like ever like you're different you're different you're different but they were like hey like if we're open to this if you ever want to explore this part of your culture or your identity like please do which i know i've heard from so many other korean adoptees whose parents were like no you're just

like everybody else you're just like everybody else in this family which is not it's like such an overcorrect in its own way but as a kid i was like fuck no give me another hot dog cut up in macaroni that's all i want i'm like dope sure but like i so regret that now because i'm like, dope, sure. But like, I so regret that now because I'm like, man, I should have been learning Korean when I was young, before I knew English too good. Never mind. I won't do an accent. Let's not do it. Joel, are you on the apps? You are a single man.

I am a single man. I've always I have been single. The last time I had a facebook official boyfriend was a decade ago at the age the ripe age of 20 i had more boyfriends in high school than i did as than i have had as an adult really i was on my space i was on it trolling around on zanga i met a boyfriend in high school on zanga what is zanga youynga? You didn't have a Zynga? No, I sure didn't. Oh my God. Zynga was like sort of this weird interim period

between LiveJournal and MySpace. Like, do you remember LiveJournal? Oh, I do remember LiveJournal. That was before Blogspot. Yes. And Zynga was sort of like a cooler LiveJournal. You could do a lot of different things. It honestly was the spiritual ancestor of Tumblr

in a lot of ways r.i.p tumblr no more r.i.p it doesn't exist to me listen i said this and there literally there's an article where i'm interviewed about it for on fucking out.com right now but it was like the best place to find asian porn on the internet really really was it was a good way to find less sloppy fatter lady porn gifs that's what i'm saying sorry i was taking a drink of kombucha but i literally like because the thing is about a lot of asian men and gay porn is like they all sort of they are all like a lot of it's imported from like japan so there's lots of like gas masks and pixelated dicks and like everyone's wearing

like it's very it can be very it's like culturally specific to Japan god bless them and if you're that's your thing no shade but like well there's a lot of shame there still and so a lot of people are like covering their faces there's literally I remember this is like an early memory of mine of seeing Asians in porn but everyone was literally wearing a gas mask. That's too much. That would take me out. I'd be like, well, are they okay? Are the masks working? And also like a lot,

like it's rare to see an Asian in porn who's not bottoming. It's rare to see an Asian in porn who isn't a twink. And again, like there is nothing wrong with either of those things. No, but you need a little bit of variety. And representation does matter.

It does. I just want to see a little bit of everything. Yes, please. before you dm me i do know about peterfever.com which is like this gay asian porn site which is again like great but again like it's another thing where i like don't necessarily want to have to like seek out representation like one stop shop i kind of want to just like see it like casually like pop up when I'm looking at like for like when I'm looking at like CBD porn or something or CBT porn rather. What's CBT? Cock and bull torture. Oh.

Cock and bull torture. Oh. Did you hear like the way I said that? Cock and bull torture. Cock and bull torture. Cock and bull torture. I just want to see it like casually appear, you know, like. That's like flipping through the channels of the TV.

It shouldn't be a white person on every channel. i shouldn't have to like hit bt to see black people that's like you hear that from shitty white people all the time they're like why do you like there's no like you got bt why do you have to be represented and everything else every other channel their fucking channel yeah i yeah i really love tumblr because tumblr i could find like people also dm me where i can find, like, classy fat lady porn. Although the last recommendation I watched, it was a wild movie. They were like, it's like this art house porn and you gotta watch it. And I was like, all right, I'll watch it.

So it was this fat woman who's, like, fucking her husband. And it's, like, pretty good and intense. And then after they're done, he's like, go on a diet and lose some weight. Whoa! And then she's like, oh, intense and then after they're done he's like go on a diet and lose some weight and then she's like twist oh no he doesn't love me and then she like goes to work and eats like her hidden cookies and she's like so upset with like being fat she's like he wants me to like work out and stuff and then she's like i have to go home because like i'm so sad and then she goes home and then he's fucking another fat woman and like like feeding her like so like feederism shit and then she's like so you do like fat people you just like to shame me

and then he leaves i think they had an argument i fast-forwarded through the talking yeah it was like maybe 45 minutes to an hour and i was like what woman needs this much story i don't really need the story although like i do constantly have to rewind to be like well how do they get from standing to that i like a little bit of story up i like a little bit of like given circumstances you know like give me the context around how these people like got here and that's helpful i don't and then once the fucking begins i don't yes i don't need you to break from the fucking to give me more story my favorite is like a very poorly acted scene where they're like i brought you a taco okay put it down and then they're like raw dogging like that's my favorite

like two lines up top it's a good improv scene third line is the fucking i love it who are we to each other where are we set up the scene fuck it and then yes and your way into each other's bodies yes okay on that note we gotta take a break we're back wow what a break what a drink what a drink

what a break oh my god we got so much done in that break. We really did. I filled up on more cold brew. It is insane. Guys, it is 8.30 at night and she is drinking a cold brew and she is ruining her body and melting her brain.

Yes. I'm going to die tonight. Well, I have a date later. Somebody give her a beta blocker. What's a beta blocker? A beta blocker slows down a beta blocker beta blocker slows down your heart oh some people take it before auditions really yeah if you get like physically nervous and you just need like help coming down i love a beta blocker

um cock and ball torture can we go back to that i don't think i've ever watched that i mean it it's like it can be anything from just like you tie up the balls in some rope and you hang a person by their balls or you slap the balls with a thing or something like that it's not like my favorite thing but you know i dabble okay maybe i'll dabble tonight yeah look it up cpt for a hot second i used to watch a lot of Rosebuds because they astound me. Not for me. If you don't know what a Rosebud is, it's someone with a prolapsed anus

and they can push it out and it looks just like a Rosebud that you pick out of a garden and give to your mom. Oh no, Joel, where are you going? I don't like this. I don't like this. Joel, no. Joel, where are you going? I don't like this. I don't like this. Joel, why did you wear four inch heels to this?

Because gender is a construct. Makes it hard to run away. Okay, I'm back. Thank you so much for coming back, Joel. I really appreciate it. What's the worst date you've been on? You know, this is I'm not sure this technically counts well i guess it does count it as a date it was the second night i was living in new york

um and i met i was talking to this guy on one of the apps i think it was scruff and um he was like do you want to come over tonight and i was like yes you know like great i had just done a show at rocks in in the far west side by the water. I don't know. I think something rocks. I don't remember. But anyways, I just did a show there and he was really close. And I was like, okay, I'm going to walk.

And he was like, I'm married, but we're open. And I was like, that's fine. Nothing to do with me. Don't care. So I go over there and we're like i open the door and it i it wasn't like a full catfish it was like a light a light sprinkling of catfish you know where it was just like okay the pictures were old and you know your angles and i appreciate and i can respect that and i will just have to find the angles at which you took those photos and get myself there

but so he takes me to the living room we're like sitting in the living room and chatting and i was just like sort of like and i hear like someone else's home and i was like oh like what someone here and he's like yeah he's like um my husband is home but he's like we're gonna have to he's like we'll have we'll have to hook up out here because my husband's like a little racist. What? And he said that. And I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. But then he like explained and he was like, yeah, he doesn't really like it when I hook up with non-white guys.

And I was like, I have to go. That's insane. I feel like that's like entrapment for a hate crime. I know. That's what I felt. I was like like i immediately and i have like good instincts normally i like i i truly don't want to get murdered i like just like really don't um it's like a big thing about me yeah is that i don't want to get murdered i'd say like my number four thing is i don't want to be murdered yeah you know it's just like up there for me and so i think i do

want to be murdered well i have a joke full disclosure and and it is it comes from a real place inside of me that's a deep dark place but my thing is just like hey if i've been murdered i've still been picked you know and like that like someone cared enough yep i think that's why i want to be murdered yeah and it's like that's the point of dating at the end of the day right like so I can marry a man. So he gets so angry with me that he murders me. Okay. We're coming from different places.

Oh, okay. I'm back in the dating game. And by back in, I truly never left. You know what? I have an update for you. Because like when you told me about that guy, we were at Buffalo Wild Wings. And I told you about an ulcer I had in my throat. And the ulcer is almost gone. I've never had an ulcer I had in my throat. And the ulcer's almost gone.

I've never had an ulcer. But that made it hard for you to swallow. It did. And boy, did I chomp down on those Buffalo Wild Wings, though. You truly did. We went to town. It felt like I was eating glass every second. The bartender, when we sat down, looked at our IDs and went,

Ah, California, your house is all burnt up. And I was like, What? You can't ask me like that. It was crazy and then he he had like the energy of was like yeah well Iowa City's pretty cool too and we were like okay we're in a Buffalo Wild Wings right now sir truly I was like what do you think the answer is yeah my house is all burnt up so I decided to start anew in Iowa City in a college-themed hotel room and not in room 9-11 oh my god and The other thing, I always feel bad about these colleges.

It's always like, I think both of us were in that city for less than 12 hours, all told. And that's how it always is with colleges because they're often not in cities that I'm wanting to hang out in. Never. But they're so sweet because every time they're like, what are you going to do while you're in town? And I'm like, bitch, I'm going to do this show

and then I'm going to go. And I'm going to get the fuck out. I'm going to do this show, fuck up some chain restaurant food. Exactly. And I'm going to get on an airplane. I'm going to drink a bunch of vodka and I'm going to leave. Okay. I got this message from Najee.

He's pretty, he's like cute. He looked pretty silly in his pictures. Okay. He's balding, which I don't hold against him. It's fine. Men bald. I like it, actually. Do you?

I kind of like it. If you can grow hair on your face and you're bald and you can pull off like a shaved head with like the outline where you can see it, you can still see the weakness. You can still see the shadow of their past outlined on their head. I love that. Like Corey Stoll. Do you know who that is? No. The actor Corey Stoll. Do you know who that is? No. The actor Corey Stoll.

He was on like Game of, or not Game of, House of Cards. He's in Ant-Man. Oh, yes, yes, yes. He's hot. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a man.

He does it for me. I would love to spin my pussy around his little cube of a head. Yeah, I love that. What is that? A cube? No. Cube ball.

Cube ball. Cube ball. I think I said cube cube he's not a rubik's cube when you can be bald like that call me he is sexy and he looks good in a suit and he looks like he fucks so good and it looks like he'd like fuck you real hard and be like how is it you'd be like so good keep going so anyway we matched and he said hi you are cute and i was like oh maybe i'll answer him i am cute you're adding nothing new to the conversation okay here's my question for you do you care what if they are cute do you care what they lead with at all yes and no because for me i don't give a shit i mean

if you're like if i find you truly very attractive, it doesn't matter. But also I've been going out with dudes who I don't find attractive and seeing if I am attracted to them. It's been a really interesting experiment. Yeah. It's been very, very curious. I don't love that for you. Well,

a lot of straight men don't know how to fucking take a picture. That is very, and they look stupid. And I'm like, Oh, I like you. Then I go out and I'm like, oh, you're not that bad. But anyway, he goes, Nicole, I don't know about you, but I'm down for some sex fun tonight.

And I was like, what do you mean you don't know about me? I've said nothing to you. So, of course, you don't know about me. Also, sex is fun. so you're being redundant? Also, I didn't answer you, so now you're going to proposition me? Don't be cute. And don't be cutesy about it. Get out of here.

I'm tired. Okay, here's what I want. I think I want someone to have a nice conversation with me up top, just like four things back and forth over the course of like two days and then to ask me out for drinks because drinks are easily escapable do not ask me to dinner i don't want to have a meal with you i don't know you i don't want to see food in your teeth i don't want to see food in your mouth as you try to like make a joke that's not funny and then i was thinking i was

like oh i feel like i've said on the podcast a bunch i don't want to date a fan and then i was like maybe i do want to date a fan but now i think i don't want to date a fan absolutely don't has someone ever told you after having sex that they like waited because i've had that happen god no i fucking hate it please do not after sex it feels almost not like you violated me but like it you it is adjacent to that right like it's like a lie of a mission is still a lie and that and it's like it's not the it's not the end of the world but it is like weird to like truly wait until the jizz like you haven't even brought back the towel yet yeah and you're telling me that you saw my Conan set. I know exactly who you are. Your Conan set was so fun.

It's so weird like if you're gonna if you're not gonna disclose that before sex then you gotta give it a buffer. Like after. Like you can't just like be like I loved you Conan! Your work on Nailed It is really

important to me. I would be so angry. I would just blast off. I would just be like, I gotta go. As this cum shoots me out the door. Well, our apps are a little different too, because like Grindr and Scruff and Adam for Adam and Radar and Recon and Chappy and all the bullshit games. Hornet.

I love it. VGL, All of them. You do not. It's all a grid. And so like you do not have to match with someone for them to message you. And so that's a wrinkle in and of itself because like it's tough sometimes because like I there's two schools of thought on Grindr and the gay apps of like either if you're not like a lot of guys will have on their profile.

If you're not interested say something like don't ignore me just say not interested or thank you for the compliment or something like that and I hate that I hate it when I go reach out to a guy and they're like thanks you're not my type or it's not a match or something like that and I'm like weirdly feel condescended to now it is rude

it's like just don't say anything ignoring is like no response is response in that context. Yes. Especially when you haven't met. Thank you. Yes, exactly. I don't owe you anything. We don't know each other.

Would you ignore someone in a bar like that? And it's like, no, because, but this isn't a fucking bar. This is a computer. Like get the fuck out of my face. And so sometimes like people will be like, hey, hey, hours later. Hey, what's up? Send me a dick pic an hour later. And then literally after all of that, they'll be like hey hey hours later hey what's up send me a dick pic an hour later and then literally after all of that they'll be like you know what i was a fan of your work but i guess

you're rude so now i'm not and it's like okay now i feel entrapped because like a lot of times somebody will lead with that and be like hey i really like your your comedy or whatever and i and i'll and in those cases even if i'm not down to fuck them i'm like oh thank you so much i really appreciate that. Yes. And then if they keep going, I usually sort of respectfully step away. I hate that because I never know. I'm like, do you just want to drop by and say you like my shit or do you actually like me? But I feel like dating a fan, when you stop dating them, they can still access you while you can't access them.

you while you can't access them. Like if they just miss you, they can Google you and watch you or turn on your TV show and watch you and you don't have the same thing. It's not fair. No, it's absolutely not. You can't like show up at their law firm and just stand outside their

glass conference room and watch them lawyer and be like, oh wow, I missed that. Ooh, them in a suit that's so good staples oh boy i hope he files that hard it sucks dating it does it's not easy i've i actually this is the first year in so long and and probably ever that i've been actively like, okay, I haven't been on Tinder this year. Oh. I was on Raya for a minute just out of novelty.

Have you been on Raya? Raya is the most curious app I have ever seen. It is garbage. It is such garbage. They wouldn't let me on for two years and then they finally let me on. Same. The only date I went on was with the person

who then sent me a script. Oof. It's awful. For awful for those raya first of all is like it's like famous person quote unquote famous person tinder and but you can't just scroll through their pictures no you have to sit through an insufferable song in a slideshow a slideshow a myspace slideshow set to pieces of me by ashley simpson or whatever song they choose. I will say like having a song associated with your profile is like cool. I am waiting. And by Tuesday, I am fading.

I love that song. You actually have a gorgeous voice. I can't sleep with you. I fall so fast. I will only come again and again and again. With you, I fall so fast. I love you so much. I love you so much. We're gorgeous singers. How awful for anyone listening with headphones on.

No, never apologize. Yeah, I feel okay. I mean, moving to la has been fraught i think dating in la especially as a gay man is is much worse than in new york because there are approximately 16 gay people in la um just like that's not a scientific it's a pretty close count i think well i think it's 15 15 it's just hard And everyone that I encounter works in the industry or wants to work in the industry, which can be tough. And in New York, it felt like I could just like fuck a rando on the weekend and they

would disappear into the mist and I would never see them again. Yes. And in LA, like you fuck someone and you will see them at every party because there's only one cool thing that happens for gay people. Yes, you will run into them and be like, oh, hello, what a treat. Oh, this is fun. It's crazy. I, dating in New York, hello, what a treat. Oh, this is fun. It's crazy. I,

dating in New York, so much more fun. Oh, so much more fun. You could go to a bar alone and leave with like 18 new friends and then someone you're gonna fuck that night

or two people you're gonna fuck that night. Out here, I feel like the only people who are crushing and killing it are little white women. Yeah.

It's true. Even in the gay community, little white women. Little white women. Clean it up. Stay in a gay bar, gar bar. Gar bar. You know, little white women are in the gar bar. Let's even in the gay community little white women little white women clean it up gay barb garbar you know a little white woman in the garbar um yeah it's i've had a lot of fun this year though like i've that's good this has been the first year that i've been like sort of like fuck it i am like confident and that i in well you got a body yada yada that is like a new addition to my life.

And that has been. You look so good without a shirt on. Thank you. And I'm glad I waited until I developed a personality before I, I upgraded. Because it has like, I will say, here's the other thing.

I'm almost, I don't really go on the apps anymore either because, and this is the saddest sentence I've ever said out loud. I can't wait. I do so much better when people like, I feel like people like me a little bit because of my personality more so. Like it helps me in a way that like you,

like I for years have been working on this body so that I can just like not have to talk and like just lead with my pictures and like get the dick. But like I went on this gay cruise, I worked this gay cruise. I performed stand up. It looked like fun. Oh my God, it was the best week of my life i'm going on another one in february also to work but like just like hot hot hot men all over the place and like a lot of them like probably would

not have given me the time of day had i just met them on grinder and led with my pics but they for some reason like i don't know i mean you're people are like 40 minutes deep into this podcast and they're like okay all we're getting is your personality and we are so limp and dry i'm gonna unsubscribe from this podcast because i don't like his personality but trust me um it's great um so yeah no it's been a really weird year cause I've been glued to the apps and I've been glued and like wanting to date and find a husband for so long. Like almost the entire time I was in New York, I wanted a boyfriend so bad. And this year I'm like, you know, did you have a boyfriend in New York? Never.

I dated like, I dated one guy semi for like three months and we, but we, he very famously on my third date with him told me he would never be my boyfriend and then we proceeded to date for three more months i love when someone tells you exactly what they mean and you go well this will be different exactly i'll change his mind this will be so great he'll love my personality and we're gonna date for 20 years and he definitely won't dump me in central Park on my lunch break. And I definitely won't cry in an H&M changing room in Columbus Square. That definitely won't happen.

I once got dumped in an ice cream shop. That was great. Which ice cream shop? Dippin' Dots? Cold Stone? Dairy Queen? No, a good one. Baskin Robbins? A good one.

Van Leeuwen? Jenny's? Ooh, Jenny's. Ooh, keep going. Let's see how many you can name. You know I worked at a Cold Stone and a Dippin' Dots and what was the other ice cream place that I worked at? I love Cold Stone. I would always chip because they hated singing. Oh, see girl, you need to go to one in the suburbs staffed entirely by gay teens because

we loved it we fucking loved oh we ate it up we would make parody song ice cream themed parody songs humiliated thinking about them now do you remember that song to the front to the window to the wall so that big stone that you mix the ice cream on is called the guia And so when we would get tipped, we would go, from the guilla to the stone, let all this ice cream fall. And like truly, like all of us, all of us had no business singing that song.

Honestly, that's perfect. One of the last times I went to a cold student and tipped them, they were like 525,600 scoops. And I laughed so hard that I stood there, waited for someone else to pay, and then tipped them again so they had to do it again. And I did that about three times until they were like, ma'am, please leave. It made me so happy. And I love me some Dippin' Dots.

Ooh, baby. I will say, to bill yourself as ice cream of the future. Who are you kidding? I mean, I truly hope that. I hope in the future we got better things going on than just ice cream that's a little worse. Joel, what kind of future do you want? Where you don't want little dollops of ice cream or if you put one in your mouth you're like i don't taste a thing but you got to put 18 you put 18 in your mouth and you're like i guess i let it melt a little yeah honestly this is confusing it's very

confusing but you know when i go to six flags i get the dip oh of course because that's where it only exists it only exists in theme parks now. Although, I almost bought some Dippin' Dots on the internet, but then... You can get them at like 7-Eleven, too, I've seen. Oh, you can? Game changer. Sorry. I'm going to live in a 7-Eleven. Sorry. I was going to order some online and then the reviews were like, it was melted

when it got to my house! And I was like, of course, they're little beads. Like, they're not holding anything together. Oh, my God. I bought an ice cream cake for my roommate. I don't know if I've said they're little beads. Like, they're not holding anything together. My God, I bought an ice cream cake for my roommate. I don't know if I've said this on the podcast. So it was his birthday, and I was in Iowa. I followed the saga. And I was like, oh, I want to do something sweet for John.

So I got him an ice cream cake that said, John, you're old. I hope you don't pass away. And I ordered it. It said delivered. I said, John, I think he's outside. It says delivered. He's like, there's no ice cream cake. Okay, walk around the house and see if he left it somewhere.

No ice cream cake. So then I ordered another ice cream cake. And then also these are all prepaid and cost me $100. So then that person goes allegedly to the house. It says it's delivered. And I was like, John, it says he's here right now. John goes outside. He's not there. So then I ordered a third cake and then Postmates canceled that cake. So then I ordered a fourth cake, but then the third cake was, it was magically

uncanceled and it said it was on its way. Only one of those four cakes made it to my house where John had it in his hand. So there are three other cakes that were floating around Los Angeles that happy birthday, John, I hope you don't pass away. And I'm like, did a family just like read that and say, we're going to eat it anyway. And then the cakes didn't fit in the freezer and he had to cut them in half and they dripped everywhere. So, you know, I'm really crushing it. So your gift really turned into some sort of punishment for John.

Yeah, for me, a punishment for John. Yeah, for me. A punishment for John, a punishment for me, and $400. That is the one expensive ice cream cake. It was the most expensive ice cream cake I've ever bought in my life. And honestly, not that great.

Because I got to it like four days later. I loved a Dairy Queen ice cream cake growing up. Girl. Every birthday. I love Dairy Queen. It's so good. Girl. Every birthday. I love Dairy Queen. It's so good. Give me some soft serve. Dairy Queen is so great.

What? Give me some soft serve. You ever go to Magpies? No, what the fuck is that? Magpies is in Silver Lake. It's on Griffith Park and Street, Hyperion, I think. And they've got fabulous soft serve. So I guess the free promotion I give on this podcast is to magpies and ample hills creamery

those are my two fucking places for creamy cold treats can't believe i didn't get to ample hills in my laundry list of ice cream you it's perfect it's a perfect place i've ever been i haven't have been have you ever put ice cream on someone's dick and sucked it off no no I love that belabored thought process for a no I don't like food I don't like food in the bedroom I'm not like I and here's my thing is like I am my my general like um rule going in is like I I'm down for literally anything except for shit blood and fists okay like do not try to fist me I don't wanna

I do not want to fist any I was a part of an orgy on the ship where I looked over at my friend was wearing this guy like a fucking bracelet and I couldn't I was just like this is this is not for me he was wearing him like a fucking bracelet and I couldn't I was just like this is this is not for me

he was wearing him like a fucking bracelet and I was like and in that moment I was like this is not for me oh my god fist me choke me slap me hurt me love to be choked love to choke love to slap love to get slapped

I don't think I could choke somebody just cause I don't think I could take myself seriously choking. I know I would like choke them and start giggling and be like, am I hurting you? Or maybe if someone asked, I could like hunker down and be serious. I think you can. You went to AMDA. Yes. I have a certificate that says I can act.

I'll pull out my certificate and say, are you ready to be choked, sir? Oh, ma'am. I mean, I do. I do it all. my certificate and say are you ready to be choked sir or ma'am i mean i do i do it all i was with this guy once who was like choking me but he's like was um uh nice like he wasn't really choking me but like he it was like for i don't know who it was for at that point and i stopped breathing and he stopped at one point he was like okay but you can't you have to keep breathing because then it freaks me out and i was like okay but you can't you have to keep breathing because then it

freaks me out and i was like okay well you need to commit do you like this or do you not like this who is this for because i don't need it let's see what won't i do i won't i don't think i want anyone to pee on me specifically because i'm like my i'll have to like wash my wig you know like that's just an extra thing i don't want to be peed on but i would i would and have peed on like i there's this there was a sex party that would happen underneath uh the grocery store in park slope yes and there was like and it's like a mixed space and so like you would walk and right next to the bathroom there was like a tub where like people could go and like sit in and get peed on and like every time i'd be like waiting in line to go pee in the bathroom and i'd see some guy just like sitting there waiting and you're like well this seems rude

seems like i'm wasting urine and i can just be urinating on this man so he can cum what's what's what's the difference to me honestly what a good samaritan thank you i know i i like i i lead i'm an empath you were feeling what this man needed from you. He just wanted pee. And I'm very proudly hydrated. That's a big part of my brand and my identity is I identify as someone who is hydrated all the time. So my pee is clear quite often. I would pee on somebody.

Please don't pee on me. If I went to a sex party under a grocery store, my joke would always be me holding two cucumbers and being like i brought the goods um would you would you shit on somebody um i don't think i would shit on somebody because sometimes they're not like solid you know and what if like i'm embarrassed at the density and the looseness of my stool you're really opening yourself up to some criticism you know and like what if someone looked at and they're like so like do you not digest spinach yeah you know and you're like no i i don't but like i try to eat some roughage every once in a while well i'm just so hungry all the time yeah i don't want to be fat shamed with like my poops because i don't chew my food well enough. Like you're a fucking Jurassic Park dinosaur and they're Laura Dern sifting through like,

she seems sick. You can tell from the shit. I'd be so upset to find out that I was ill. Yeah, they diagnose you on the spot. Your shit's really not okay. There's something going on with your liver. We can tell from the color. This is a five on the Bristol stool chart.

Also, okay, do you shit on somebody in a bed? Or do you shit on someone in a tub and then take a shower? Girl, I shit on people all over this fucking city. Here's the thing. Shit, my dick has been shit on. I've shit on dicks plenty of times. Sure. When you're gay and you're having sex.

Sure, it happens. A lot of times, it doesn't. I would having sex I'm not saying like there's if you're like a lot of times it doesn't I would say more often than not it does not but it does happen and like you have to be cool I think it's like so lame when people aren't cool about it when it's like a little bit and like it's just like happens

tell me a story of someone not being chill about your shit on their dick I don't know if I've ever been with someone who's been like super uncool in the moment but i have like when i was really young still in college i was in chicago and this guy like woke up the next morning and he saw that there was like a and like um a true like santorum like stain on his sheet like white sheets that was just like lube and like a little bit of like residual shit that is just like in there and he was like oh and he was like you gotta go and i

was like and i was truly like 19 i had no idea where the fuck i was in the city this man had to be in his 30s his roommate came in and was like what's going on what it was the most stressful situation in my life and i was like come you took me home at like 4 a.m. Get the fuck out of my life. Just chill the fuck out. This truly happens all the time. I would say most people are pretty cool. Some guys don't want to come after that. They're sort of like, eh, and we're done.

They don't guilt you about it. And I get that. Sometimes I'm like and we're done they're not like they don't guilt you about it but like some sometimes and i get that like sometimes i'm like that but it's never been bad it's like never bad i like never i never bottom when it's when i know unless i know that like i'm good to go um i will say though there's there's this one guy who lived near me in new york who would always message me and be like he was so hot he was so so hot and he was like i remember one time i was like well can you bottom because like i'm not really prepared and he was like i don't bottom and i was like okay well then i can't come over because i i can't and he was like i kind of like it though and i was like oh is this convenient or is this like it has this now flipped because

like weirdly when it happens by accident i'm'm like, oh, well, this happens. But when he was like, I want you to shit on my dick, I was like. And you're like, well, now there's a pressure. Yeah. I don't know if there's going to actually be some shits. I was just being cautious. I'm just not sure this works for me. And again, I don't know why that's different than the peeing.

Because like, again, like, I don't want to be peeing on, but I'll pee on someone. But for some reason, that guy wanted me to like shit on him. Maybe it's like you like to be in control of what your bodily functions are gonna do yeah maybe that's it i don't know there's also like other senses involved in that experience that like aren't necessarily involved in pee do you know yeah sometimes i have real stinky shits and i'm like do i spray him down with poopery before I do it or like you know do you get one of those sprays that you spray on the top of your toilet

water and then like it supposedly traps have you seen these commercials it's like a gorgeous Australian woman yeah yes you've got to spray the toilet before you take a dump or his family won't accept you is like the message of this commercial.

Nobody wants a stinky girl. Joel, we've come to the end. No, we can't end on that. We are. We can't. I refuse to leave. Here's a question. Yeah.

Would you date me? Yes. Wow. I hardcore thought it was going to be like the answer to have you ever sucked ice cream off a dick a long hard thought and a no

If I were straight I think I would I think I would I think I would I think I it's hard for me to tell what I would be into

if I were straight but I you always have really good hair Thank you and I'm into that Thank you I would date you

specifically because during sex I would use your full name. I'd be like, oh, Joel Kim Booster, I'm coming. Oh, my God. And it would really do it for me. It would be perfect. Joel Kim Booster, eat my pussy.

You know, I really want to. I actually do want to. I'm on this kick right now where I'm like, I keep hearing how hard it is for women to come. It is. And I'm like,

I absolutely do not believe it could be that difficult. Get me in there. Get me in there. I will get it done. I bet I would be amazing at it. I mean, it's not as hard as one would think,

but you have to just ask. Anything a straight man says is that difficult to do cannot be that hard. It's not as hard as one would think, but you have to just ask. Anything a straight man says is that difficult to do. Right. Cannot be that hard. It's not that hard. I would get in there. I would fucking get in there. And like, that... I would get in there. I would say...

Oh my God, what you guys aren't seeing is Joel's dick is rock hard. He's swinging it around. I would get in there. I would say, oh, listen up. We're going to be coming today. We're going to be coming today. Honestly, if anyone said that to me like that, I would die from pure joy. We are going to come today.

We will come today. Joel, do you have anything you want to promote? I guess, like, when is this coming out? This Friday. Oh, great. Well, literally, while you're listening to this podcast, we are recording our sister podcast. Yes. What the Tuck.

Yes. Our RuPaul's Drag Race podcast. I imagine there's so much crossover already. They're already probably listening to it. And they're like, wait, two episodes back to back with Nicole and Joel. Literally? I'm a pass away. We recorded on Sunday. Yes. It's here Wednesday now. Yes. I'll be recording with Nicole and Joel. Literally, wait. I'm going to pass away. We recorded on Sunday.

Yes. It's here Wednesday now. Yes. I'll be recording with you on Friday. Yes. Literally all we've done this week is record podcasts together. You're going to get so fucking sick of me. I don't think that's true.

You might. I don't think that's true. Hey, everybody. I don't think that's true. If you like this podcast, you got to like it. And you got to subscribe. Subscribe. And then if you write me something dirty, DM me anything, I will read it.

This person, Hit and Licks, DMed me and said, Hey, Nicole, I want to come all inside your sweet meat wallet, scoop it out with my fingers, and feed it to you. Have a beautiful and productive day. I don't love it when vaginas are framed as meat. Yeah, I don't love it either. A meat wallet, one, two. So you want to come in me.

You didn't ask first. I'm not on birth control, so I wouldn't let you. And then you want to scoop it out. Very nice of you to clear it up before one of them little guys swam up there. And then you want me to eat it? But it's already been inside of me, so I don't want to eat your cum. It also gives me a bellyache.

Some people love that. Do you like cum? I don't. It's fine in my mouth, but I will spit it out. And I like to make a big production of spitting it out. Like having it in my mouth and being like, What are you cracking? And then be like,

I love it. You swallow it? Oh, yeah. It gives me such a tum-tum ache. Really? Yeah. Lucky me. and then be like I love it you swallow it? oh yeah it gives me such a tum tum ache really? yeah lucky me okay

bye bye John John I'm not eating a cup John I'm not eating a cup John This has been a Team Coco production.