Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating in the 3rd Grade (w/ Beth Stelling)

Episode Date: May 24, 2019

Beth Stelling (Crashing, I Love You, America) discusses the crazy things they learned in school, what it was like to have a 3rd grade boyfriend, how she met her current boyfriend doing stand-up. A fan threatens to sleep with Nicole, but doesn't follow through. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Take Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byard, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you put raspberries in my pussy,

I'd keep them there for you to eat later. Oh, no! Oh, they would fall apart. It'd be a real mess. Oh, no. Okay, I'm running low on these. My guest today, you have seen her comedy. You had a Comedy Central half hour?

Yes. And you had a Netflix half hour. Yeah, I love doing halves. Oh, man. Beth, you also wrote for Crashing. You appeared on Crashing. You wrote for I Love You You America on the Hulu. You were in an episode of, oh, shit.

I looked at your IMDb. Red Oaks, maybe. Yes, Red Oaks. That's it. Ooh, it's Beth Stelig. Oh, and you have a podcast with your mom called We Called Your Mom. Ooh, Beth Stelig. Beth, thank you so much for coming.

Thanks for having me. You got off a plane and you came all the way here. It was only Burbank. It was Burbank. Yeah, but still, like getting on a plane and then getting off a plane and then going to do something is a lot. It is, but it's you. And so I genuinely was like, I'm happy to see you. It is, but it's you.

And so I genuinely was like, I'm happy to see you. And I told you, now whenever I walk through the Burbank airport and I see Guy Fieri's restaurant, I do always think of you. So it's kind of like whenever you can find anything positive about an airport, you should. What terminal were you in, A or B? I'd love to be able to tell you that. I don't know. I landed in, I guess, the further one, American Airlines is usually what I fly. I don't know what terminal that is. I think it's the further one. I walked past it, I guess, the further one, American Airlines is usually what I fly. I don't know what terminal that is. I think it's the further one.

I walked past it, I think. Well, there's two Guy Fieri restaurants in the Burbank Airport, I've learned. But isn't one just a little stand? One is the Burger Joint, which is the one I went to because I didn't know there was a full restaurant in there. So I have to go on another date to the airport so I could eat at the full restaurant. I thought the Burger Joint, the one that's kind of like built in on the left past the Pete's or whatever. That one seemed like a full restaurant. It seems.

But they only have burgers and mac and cheese and french fries. Okay. But apparently the restaurant has anything you want. Like trash can nachos. Oh my gosh. Like I told you, I had the Guy Fieri trash can nachos in Vegas. And they're good. I think they're great. They are.

I think Guy is a visionary and people shit on him, but he's got a real solid brand that you cannot discredit. It's true. He is powerful. He's very powerful. To be distinguished by just like, I could draw, I could just draw like a, and you'd be like Guy Fieri. Yes. A little spiky hair. Some sunglasses he bought at the supermarket.

A flame shirt. Some longer shorts. And just start screaming, you're Guy Fieri. I love him so much. Oh, Beth. The last time I saw you, we were recording your podcast, which comes out on Facebook Watch. Yes.

I think June. In June. Yeah. I was very hungover when we did it. Wow. I think June. In June. Yeah. I was very hungover when we did it. Wow. I know. Lily told me.

I just like, I mean, whatever. You just always seem put together. A little off? No. I thought you looked great.

I always think you look great. Thank you. Maybe you should date me. That's what I came on here to confront you about. I would love to date you, but you're taken. I know, that's true. I have a child bride.

The night before we did your podcast, I was watching Beyonce's Homecoming. Oh, gosh. And I was like, I need to drink more wine because I need Beyonce to know I'm enjoying this. Yes. And then I danced in front of my TV until the wee hours of the night. Alone or with pals? With my roommate, John Milhiser. He gets mad when I call him just my roommate.

So John Milhiser is my roommate who I live with. And you both have cute doggies. We have two cute little doggies. I haven't watched it yet, but I need to watch the Beyonce documentary. She's talked to you. I loved that video when you were doing the MTV Music Awards. Oh, boy. So Beyonce for the MTV Video Music Awards,

I think this was three years ago or two years ago. It was when Lemonade came out. She did a whole medley from almost the entire, I think she did every song from the album. I got to watch her rehearsal, which is really cool. She was sick, and she didn't sing during the rehearsal. She just marked it. And watching her mark a rehearsal was captivating.

I bet. She didn't say what. She said, oops, because she took off a jacket, and she put it on the floor, and she went, oops. And then she moved it, and then flame shot out. And I was like, Beyonce almost burned down Madison Square Garden, and all she said was, oh my god it was really wild to watch her do it because there was precision in just marking it i got to um basically for i'm i think i did a little dance for a while

it just means going through the movements yes yes to get from the camera will hit her at one point walk walk walk here's where she'll she'll do more stuff. Here, here, here. Yeah, just truly walking around and not singing. And I got to watch Carol Burnett rehearse for her pilot the rehearsal and be like, wow, this this is going to be good. And then watching her do in front of the audience was so good. That's really neat. Both of these women. I just. Did we never get to see the pilot of that? No, it didn't get picked up.

Isn't that crazy? So what was the story behind it? It's Carol Burnett. And so it was Carol Burnett. My friend Mary Holland played one of the other leads. I cannot remember the rest of the cast members, but it was a family looking for a home. They find this beautiful mansion that's like very cheap. And they're like, why is it so cheap?

And me, the realtor goes, because it comes with Carol Burnett and she lives with you forever. No. Yeah. Okay. I'm starting to see why maybe it didn't. Silly, wacky premise. But past the wacky premise, it was really fun to watch Carol Burnett as a high status person and then everyone else be such a low status person. Yeah.

But she did it with this. I could talk about Carol Burnett all day. Me too. Did you read her book one more time? I don't read. Oh, okay. I'm illiterate. No, I'm kidding.

I am bad at reading. Doesn't he have a joke about not reading? Or maybe he tweeted something. I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe he's thinking about Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser just posted a very funny vidya about not reading. Okay. But reading's hard.

Well, I read one more time years ago. And I recommend it. Congratulations. Thank you. But yeah, I also am a fan of Carol years ago, and I recommend it. Thank you. But, yeah, I also am a fan of Carol Burnett, so I can see why you would have really enjoyed watching that. She's so perfect. There's just, there's, I don't know, no substitute for watching someone do it. Because I don't know, I don't ever, I didn't go to school for stand-up.

Nobody does. And then when it comes to acting, I guess you could study it. But I feel like just watching people is better than going to school for stand-up? Nobody does. And then when it comes to acting, I guess you could study it, but I feel like just watching people is better than going to school for something. That's what I tell people when they're getting into stand-up. They're like, how do I do it? I'm like, well, when you go to open mics too, look at someone that you like and admire and see what they do, and then don't copy it, but pull inspiration from it until you figure out your voice. Because I didn't figure out my voice until, I'd say probably like a year and a half in. Yeah.

Like my opening joke for years and years. And Emily Heller was like, you got to stop doing it. It's too easy. I would get out on stage and be like, oh, baby. Oh, yeah. And then I would tell a joke about a Snickers bar in your pussy. And then I would go, just kidding. I don't sound like that.

I sound like this. And then the audience would be like, ha, ha, ha. She tricked us. We thought she would sound more like Monique, and she doesn't. And then Emily was like, don't. Like, push yourself. Push yourself past that. And I said, no, thank you, and did it for a couple more months

until I was like, she's right. I can't do that. That's not fun. Yeah. I know. Sometimes it's tough to take. We don't have, like, directors or whatever. Typically, it's just you and stand-up.

That's the beauty of why I think a lot of people do it, because nobody's in charge of you, and you don't have to practice with anybody. It's all on you, so that's good and bad. If you fail, it was you. But if you succeed, it was you. And then if somebody gives you direction, which you really didn't ask for or want, I mean, I would push back on that, too. Yeah, but I did ask her

Oh you did I ask Emily so many questions about stand up To the point where I'm like I think maybe she goes Nicole doesn't know a single other stand up She's always asking me questions I don't know She just breaks it down in a way that helps me understand But not feel dumb

Yeah well I think it's Also a lot of like sometimes for years it felt like I was just trying to act like I knew what I was doing and then also we've all picked up like weird like I don't know this idea that you have to come up with a new hour every year and then trash it all somebody asked me that recently I thought you're gonna tell this joke then you in a different way and in my head I'm like well, but that's because I'm supposed to not do that joke anymore. And it's like, well, who says?

It's a whole process and it's hard because you don't want to be the comic, obviously, that does the same act for 10 years. It's not what you want. And then you could argue, well, then spice in the old bits for people. But if you're working on putting together something new, well, then that only is a roadblock to building the whole new. Yeah, I'm in that, we talked about this a little bit on your podcast,

but I'm in that same space where I've been trying to build a new hour. My half hour came out in January, and then at the end of January, I had a show in Pennsylvania or something, and one of the students opened for me. And then after the show, she was like, I was so excited to see you. I was really bummed that you did most of your stuff from your half hour.

And I was like, Jesus. I was like, well, I guess I have to do, everything has to be new. Everything has to be new. So then I like worked really hard and got a new half. And then I was telling this to somebody else. and they were like, it was one person. Take your time. And I was like, oh. I know.

You're right. It's one person I'm never going to see again. I know. It is odd, though, but I can totally relate to that. It's like one person says one thing, and it's like you're more like a leaf in the wind getting blown around instead of planning yourself and being like, no, this is what I am. Yeah, this is where I'm at right now. don't have uh the energy to figure it out well also because we're supposed to do like 40 other things at any given time yes podcast develop podcast right stand up act right maybe write a book book yeah books are wild um are you starting to yes work on one

so I had been approached to do like a memoir-y essay book. And I was like, but I haven't lived enough to fill a book. I'm only 32 or 33. I think I'm 30. Yes. Okay. No, I figured it out last night. I'm 32.

I am 32. I was doing a little math, so I'm a calculator. I'm 32. But, yeah, like, I haven't lived enough. I think when I hit 45, maybe 50, I think I've lived enough to fill out a book. Oh, boy. But next year. Next year is going to be my year.

I'm really excited about it because I was doing math to figure out when my mother got married. She got married at 33. I'll be 33 next year. to figure out when my mother got married, she got married at 33. I'll be 33 next year. So I'm saying to the universe, since she got married at 33,

you go give me a man at 33. So I'm pretty excited about it. It doesn't logically make sense when I say it out loud, but in my heart, it does. No, I think, I mean, I actually have had similar thoughts, but it's more like, where was my mom here?

Oh, already with two kids and not pregnant with me yet. You know what I mean? Like, I do more of that where I'm thinking, I live such a different life. I feel like my mom did some things a little later because I feel like a lot of parents or a lot of my friends' parents got married, like, in their 20s. My mom got married at 33, didn't have my sister until 30, 37. Love that. Or 36. She had a

whole bunch of miscarriages. A bunch of dead babies floating around. And then she didn't have me till 38 or 39, which is late. Yeah, it is. She was the old mom when we'd go to school. But you know, blacked out crack, so she looked at all, but she was the old mom. And this is in Jersey, right? This is in New Jersey. New Jersey. Where are you from? You're from Ohio. Yeah.

And you went to Miami University? In Ohio. In Ohio. Yeah. I was just at Miami University in Ohio. What a wild fucking place. It is very white. But you land in Cincinnati, which is actually in Kentucky.

Yes. And then you drive through Kentucky. Then you see a sign for Indiana. You go, okay, which is actually in Kentucky. And then you drive through Kentucky. Then you see a sign for Indiana. You go, okay, now I'm in Indiana. And then you see a sign for Ohio. And you go, well, now I'm in Ohio. Then you see Miami University. You go, fuck it.

I don't know where I am. They liked that joke when I said that. Not that joke. They liked it when I said that. They were like, wait out now where we are. Yes. I know. They're nice kids, I think, for the most part.

I mean, whoever came out. I did their homecoming a couple years ago, and just I was joking like, this will help pay for some of the tuition that I wasted here. Did you graduate? I did. Yeah, I had a couple. I went to – I did the school at Steppenwolf. Like, I interned for it in between my junior and senior year in Chicago.

They offered this urban leadership internship program, and I got in, and in between my junior and senior year in Chicago. They offered this urban leadership internship program and I got in and so they paid for me to move to Chicago between school years. And I volunteered at Gilda's Club and like it's in honor of Gilda Radner and it's basically where families can go to get support if their loved ones are going through chemo and cancer. Oh, so that's nice. And so part of it was volunteer and part of it was the internship and you got to choose. But I guess what I'm saying is I met a bunch of people that summer that were older than me, including Lauren Lapkus and Alanna Johnston.

I met all these people there that were like, some of them were like, you should just stay and not finish school. And I thought about it. But I still, I went back and I finished. Because I thought, I don't know, I'm a rule follower. I'm just like. Gotta follow these rules. I started school, gotta finish school.

I know. I just, I wouldn't, it was, it didn't have it in me. To like, to be like a dropout. I mean, if I could go back in time, I probably would have immediately moved to New York and not gone to school instead of moving to New York and going to school. What did you do? I went to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. I heard of it. AMDA.

Yes, AMDA. Some call it SCAMDA. They do not claim me as an alumni. Why? I don't know. I'm not good enough. I don't know. They claim a lot of other people.

I know. You would think they would be. That's always the bittersweet feeling when they claim you and you're like, fuck you. It might be because I call them scam debt. I say it's a bad school. I learned nothing. It was a waste of time. Well, that's probably why.

Yeah, that's probably the real reason. Yeah. But it's good that you're saying the truth. Yeah. You felt like you kind of, like, was there anything you gleaned? No. No. There's nothing that I learned.

No, that's a lie. So Dan Daly, one of my teachers, he said, I mean, it was a scene study class, but at one time he was like, all of you are types. Types are stereotypes. It's what people think of you immediately when you walk into a room. If you don't like your type, change it. Look at yourself naked in the mirror, touch yourself, touch your body. If you don't like what you

see, change it. If you do, that's you. Don't complain. That's your type. And I was like, oh boy. And it wasn't like being stuck in a type that I liked. I just liked him saying, look in the mirror, and if you like what you see, be at peace with it. Yeah. I like that too. Yeah, I liked it.

I think I remember you saying something like that, but I'm sure it's just I've listened to all your stuff. And I heard that story one other time. I did like some scene study class out here that they were like, you just need to lose 10 pounds and then you're good. You're really funny. And it's like, can you believe? It's like that must have been in what it's in between. I've been here since 2011. So it's not like this was back in the 80s.

No. I mean, there was just some acting teacher who told a, I think Italian girl who looked Spanish, to be like, I don't know, call yourself Rosa Perez. No, not Rosa Perez. That's Rosie Perez. She's like, you're Spanish now. Yeah, you're now Spanish, and that's who you are. And it's like, you can't.

Do that. No, you can't do that. That's not right. No. And Dan Daly also told me, he was like, well, you don't Spanish and that's who you are. And it's like, you can't. No, you can't do that. That's not right. No. And Dan Daly also told me, he was like, well, you don't ever have to lose weight. You could be a fat black woman forever. And I was like, what? I'm 19 years old.

This is weird and a little damaging. He also called me disabled. He was like, what's wrong with your body? And I was like, I don't know what you mean by this question. He goes, you're gait. You move weird. And I said, oh, one of my legs is longer than the other? He goes, why didn't you tell me you were disabled?

And I was like, am I disabled? Yes. I just started telling a joke about this. Where like, I did a podcast. And some guy was like, this was years ago, but I just started telling it. Because I was like, basically Natasha, when she came and did my podcast, she was like like you should make that a joke so I was like okay he goes you've so you've had a slow year and I go and so I was the joke I started to write is like you don't often get told things about yourself that you don't already know but like you know like you look tired you're like

yeah go fuck yourself I know but the discoveries often happen when you're young. Like, in first grade, the teacher is like, draw your family. And you do, and you finish. And then the girl next to you is like, where's your dad? And you're like, I'm supposed to have one? You know? It's like people tell you things. If you had just not said anything, I would have been fine.

But now that it's in my head. Where's your dad? I don't know. Mom, where's dad? He's supposed to be in this picture I drew. And I didn't know I was supposed to draw him. That's very funny. I feel like this was probably in kindergarten or like preschool, but I was drawing my family

and I was using the peach color for the skin. Oh my gosh. Like everybody else. And the girl was like, that's not your color. And I was like, oh. Oh, I guess I am brown. Wow. So then I like colored over in brown. then I, like, colored over in brown.

I was like, that's my family? It's very weird to grow up in an all-white neighborhood to be, like, an other. Because I don't, my mom didn't really have, like, race talks with me until later. But, like, it happened early where people would be like, hey, you're the color of poop. And you'd be like, oh, I'm poopy color. Yeah. And then you get kind of sad. But then I had ADD, so I was like, you're the color of poop. And you'd be like, oh. Right. I'm poopy color. Yeah. And then you'd get kind of sad. But then I had ADHD, so I was like, I can't harp on this. Are you kidding? I gotta scream

about something. On to the next. Wow. You know, kids are, Jesus. They're bad. Yeah. Just hearing that, I'm like, oh my God. Somebody said that to you? When I nannied, I may have told this story before. The pad, but whatever. I was babysitting this little boy, and he rubbed my arm.

He goes, Nicole, you're black. And I was like, yes, is that okay with you? He goes, yeah. Do you go home to your black babies? I was like, I don't have black babies. And he's like, you have white babies? And he was floored at that thought. I was like, no, I don't have any babies

and he went huh and he stared at me like he didn't believe me because I think he thought all adults had babies right they do tend to think that I've nannied before too I used to think that teachers lived in a teacher village and when I'd see them out in the wild I'd be like

shouldn't you go back to your teacher village I thought families lived in one place teachers lived in another I like that pilots lived in another village well because when you run into

I ran into a college professor at CVS and it's like you can't make this up he was buying lube and I'm like how uncomfortable but also not

but I was out of school by then but like running into an old there's no way he remembered me because he was a college professor. You don't remember college kids necessarily. I guess not because you got big old classes. Big classes, yeah.

I don't know. Didn't go to real college. Yeah, you didn't need to. I'm thriving. You are. You didn't need to go. You're proof. Beth, we have to take a break.

Oh, yeah. We're back. Beth, you are currently taken. I am. I am. And you're in a nice relationship with another comic? Yes. Did you meet doing shows, or how did you meet? We met years ago.

I guess 2016. He opened for me in Vancouver. Oh. And he was 22. And so I had no interest whatsoever. But then a couple years later, he grew up. He did. And yeah, I moved to Vancouver to write on Good Boys, this movie that will be out in August.

And he lived there. It was his last summer there before he was moving to L.A. It had nothing to do with me. I actually wrote him a letter of recommendation for his visa, like as a friend, as somebody he'd opened for. And so he already had that ball rolling, and it was his last summer there. And then, yeah, he just started, like, really courting me. But I didn't know him. I thought we were just hanging out as friends for the first couple weeks.

And then I think I realized he had a thing for me. That's cute. Yeah. Yeah, he was just very romantic. He took me on dates and stuff. I had said I missed playing my cello. And one day I came home from work and he had rented a cello and put it in my apartment. Whoa!

He listens. I know. He's a good listener. How wild! I know. He has sisters. I think that always helps. Oh. That's nice. I like that a whole bunch. Yeah. I didn't know you played the cello. Aren't cellos big? They are.

They're not the bass. They're not like the huge bass up here. They're more like between your legs right here. Yeah. How long did you play the cello for? From third grade till like ninth grade. Wow. And then I stopped because I thought it wasn't cool. Mm-hmm.

Which obviously we all regret doing those types of things. Yeah, I stopped playing the piano because I was like, nobody fucking plays the piano, but guess who does? Lady Gaga. Yes. You know? And I could sit down. But guess who does?

And I could play the piano like Lady Gaga, but you know, I stopped. You could get back into it. I don't know if my brain can handle anything. It's a lot. I mean, you have to be ambidextrous. I can't do it. My mom is a pianist. I called her on the way here, and she was like, I have a student.

I have to go. But she was like, you know, she obviously can play really well. And growing up, my sisters played. They tried to get me to play, and I couldn't do it. I turned off my clavinova, likeva during a concert and just pretended to play. You turned off your what? We did Yamaha. She taught Yamaha early on, which is like the Clavinova, like an electrical keyboard.

Yamaha to me is a motorcycle. It's also a keyboard like a Clavinova. Wow. What different things they do. And so my mom taught Yamaha, and it's like you go with your parent, and then the concert is everybody set up keyboards on the stage. And I never learned, and I couldn't do it, and I wouldn't practice, and so I just turned my keyboard off and fake played.

Whoa! I would do that in choir. Just mouth it? Just mouth the words. Can you not sing? No. No, I'm a very bad singer, very tone deaf. I look like I can, but I cannot.

I look like I can. I get asked all the time, so I was like, it must be the look. You get asked if you can, I get asked if I play basketball. Oh, because you're tall? Yeah. How tall are you? 5'9", I'm not even that tall. Wait, I'm 5'7".

I guess you're not that much taller than me. Yeah. Bad deaf perception, so I never know. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's not that tall, but I really get asked it a lot. Like, I have a joke about it on my first album, but a couple years ago I was in Chicago, and he's like, some man I was staying at a hotel said something like,

I forget, like, are you the coach? Or something like that. Because there was a basketball team staying there, and I'm sort of like, why does this hurt? That's funny. You the coach? I met two people named, this has nothing to do with what you just told me, but I, in the elevator, met a couple named Richard and Bambi.

And Richard turned around. He went, hello. I said, hello. He goes, I'm Richard. This is Bambi. Bambi turned around. She went, hello. I was like, what is happening?

Also, this is in Austin. There's very few black people. I was like, is this how? Also, this is in Austin. There's very few black people. I was like, is this how hate crimes start? Yes. By an introduction and then I'm murdered. Yeah. But then Richard goes, I was at your podcast recording yesterday and wow, I had no idea who you were.

No clue. Never, ever thought of you one day of my life. Yes. He like went on and on about how he didn't know me, but he was like, but wow, you're funny. You have two new fans, Richard and Bambi. Oh my God. And Bambi was like, yes. That's funny.

It was very strange. So you did a live podcast at one time? I did do this one, Why Won't You Date Me? Marina Franklin, who I'd never met, who's so fucking funny and I love her so much. She's amazing. I finally got to meet her, and I did her podcast. Okay, cool. And it was fun.

Yeah, she's great. She's a killer. She's wonderful. She's so fucking funny. We just did a casino together a couple weeks ago in Monticello opening for Sarah. Oh. And we're going to do more in July, but Marina's a killer. That's fun.

Monticello. Yeah, it was World Resorts Casino or something. It was good. I don't know. Casinos aren't normally my cup of tea. Neither are mine. No. I mean, we talked a little bit about Vegas. Neither is mine.

No. It's not my cup of tea either. Got there. Beth, here's a question that maybe nobody has asked you. How many boyfriends have you had in your life? Okay, let's see. It's tough because those early ones, like I had some third grade moments. You had a third grade boyfriend?

I think it was like fifth, third to fifth, sixth. Whoa, I'm floored. But nothing happened. I didn't get my first kiss until I think going into, I forget, maybe not until seventh or eighth grade. I don't think that's late. Yeah. I feel like you that's late. Yeah. I feel like you're on track.

Right. Wait, I can't get over this 3rd grade boyfriend. Yeah, it was like, you know, you'd come over and we'd hang out. And your parents were fine? Or your mom was fine that you had a boyfriend in the 3rd grade? Yeah, we weren't doing anything. But, like, I was just like, what would we call it? Going out with.

I'm going out with Donald yeah so then Donald would come over and sometimes the camper would be set up the camper yeah there's a camper

that my mom remarried and she married this strange church organist okay and he had a camper and sometimes you would set it up

because you could like take it camping you'd attach it to your car or whatever but sometimes you just set it up in the backyard could take it camping, you'd attach it to your car or whatever, but sometimes you just set it up in the backyard. And they just let you hang out in the camper? Yeah. How wild.

Yeah. We carved our names into a tree. Oh, my God. He's the Lennon Delirium Claypool tour manager, so I've seen him. If I do a festival, sometimes he'll be there, too, and we get together. Oh, that's fun. But yeah, that was my earliest. I think that was one of my first boyfriends or something.

So I don't know. But boyfriends-wise, I think I feel like I've had... Okay, I'll give you counting music. Six? Seven. Seven. Okay. That's a nice amount.

Yeah. Those are the real boyfriends. Okay. For your seven, I have zero. This is like what's baffling to me, I guess. And I guess maybe your girlfriends feel that way. Oh, yeah. Because they're all just like, you know, I think you're just, whatever.

Looks aren't everything, but it's just like you're always looking so perfect and put together. And it's like attractive. Thank you. So, I mean, whatever. Looks aren't everything, but you also have a great personality and you're successful. Thank you. But maybe these are the things that keep men away. Maybe.

I don't know. My youngin is, like, I think very inspired by it and drawn to it. Wait, what? My little young boyfriend. Oh. So I'm saying the things that you possess as well where you're saying, like, you're successful and set up on your own and can be intimidating to some. But I think that's a cop out. I also think it's a cop out.

Yeah, I don't know what it is. I haven't. So never a boyfriend? Never. Not one day in my life. But you have had sex. I have had sex. And I know how many times I've had sex, but I can't tell you off the top of my head.

Okay. Because I've written it down in a document and I rate the dicks and. No, you don't. It's a good time. Do you really? I'll be like, this was very good sex. The dick was very nice. I like it.

A plus. That's your book. That's your book right there. Maybe. That's amazing. I should include a chapter. Of course, you have people i've slept with you just need to scan that document in you know what and then in my book i'll leave

extra pages yes so then maybe other people can continue you know and then you can do it i like that that's a good idea that i will promptly forget no use. I'll remind you. Okay, perfect. I feel like you having childhood boyfriends is like movie stuff. Like in, I guess in My Girl they weren't dating. Right. But like they were kind of dating because she was so upset. Well, I guess it was her friend. You'd be upset if it was her friend. But there was, you know, tension.

There was people I thought were hot. I remember writing in my diary like, Donald's hot or Sam's hot. Is Donald his real name? Yeah. Donald Roof. Donald Roof? Mm-hmm. What a name.

And then Sam Dunsky was my first kiss. Oh. And then I had a huge crush for years on an eighth grader one year older than me, like Josh Weprin. Oh. I had so many crushes. Matt Drury, Keith Laub, Michael Lindy. And now what? Do you look back at them?

Because sometimes you look back and you're like, whoa, those are the people we had crushes, everyone had crushes on, and it's just like small town or your own little world. Do you know where they are now? No. The only one, I don't think either of the three have, like,

Instagrams or Facebooks because I have looked and I found them. But then there was Mark D'Angiolillo, who I loved from seventh grade, maybe in eighth grade, I don't know. But I found him on Instagram, and he's, like, married and takes trips with his, like, very pretty wife. And I'm like, oh, boy, you really succeeded, and you're still pretty attractive. I think he's still pretty cute.

Yeah. I truly just love men. Yeah. Have you done online dating at all? Have you had to? No. You're good at meeting people in person. Yes. Oh, help me. I know.

You know, I tried to get a joke to work that never worked but like the idea that I date the way that like a cat brings roadkill to your door like it's a gift and I'm just like oh and instead of being like oh yuck you know I like take it and I'm like I love it thank you so much you know like I just take whatever comes to me. So I think I've been more aware as I've aged, like, to not just take what comes to me. Like, you get what I'm saying? Like, I like you. Oh, I must too. Yeah, to be a little bit more picky.

Yeah. With who you throw your likes back at. Yes. I get that. Yeah, just because I think for a while there, I mean, maybe you have this too. It's like you just want to be liked and if somebody likes you, then you better like them back because what if nobody else does? That's all I ever want is to be liked. Yes.

Which is also, it's very conflicting because, like, I don't truly care about what people think of me, but, like, a person that I want to date, I deeply care about what they think of me. And then if I date someone and I like start to really like them I get really nervous I know and it changes yeah and then you're like I don't know maybe maybe I am bad at sex uh maybe uh I'll just wait for them to tell me what to do and I don't know I get very nervous and then maybe the reason they were drawn to you in the first place is

because you were so like forward outgoing how you are open and honest and then maybe the reason they were drawn to you in the first place is because you were so like forward outgoing how you are open and honest and then yeah that's human but

it happens I feel like it happens within a relationship too because you start to really get to know each other and things change

and like the mask starts to come off like in Mrs. Doubtfire when she puts her face in the pie and then it starts to slowly drip into the coffee. Oops, sorry.

That's a good scene. Yeah. And then I love that older lady who's like, Mr. Hillard. I often talk about this. Sally Field, not the villain. No way. Not the villain.

Yeah. Robin Williams' character is definitely the villain of this movie. Sure, he's fun-loving. Sure, we want to love Daniel. But Daniel had a petting zoo in her house. Yes, he was bad. Daniel catfished the whole family by pretending to be an English woman, to be a nanny to his kids.

And then his kids saw that woman. That's how they caught him, peeing, right? Yes. Standing up. And it's a little transphobic, but then also, I get it. Yeah, I think it— You would be a little confused. Sure.

Yes, I feel like some of my favorite movies now growing up are transphobic. Yes. But the good news, I think, at least for me, and I'm not saying I'm immune. I think we all absorb things that you have to acknowledge and say, okay, I did think that, and now whatever. things so that you have to acknowledge and say okay I did think that but as a kid I was never like I don't remember those movies giving me hatred for

people who were crying I think in Mrs. Doubtfire specifically you're like oh this kid is grappling with the fact that he thought one thing and was misled and now another thing has been proven to be true and he's just confused

Ace Ventura is a little bit worse and now another thing has been proven to be true, and he's just confused. Yes. And then Ace Ventura is a little bit worse. Never seen Ace Ventura. I loved Jimmy Carrey, so I watched it a lot. Never seen it, but everyone I grew up with loved it. I'm unhinged, and I— Do you know what hinge is? Which is too close to I'm unhinged. Oh, you're unhinged.

I'm unhinged on hinge. It's confusing. So I haven't heard of it. I did Raya briefly. Oh, you did? Yeah. And then it's not like I got in trouble, but I must have not have deactivated or something. And then somebody asked me like, oh, you're on that?

And when I was with my boyfriend now, and he was like, are you on that? I was like, oh, I don't use it. I never even used it really and i don't and i really only got on it because like somebody recommended me that's the only way they just let you on yes because somebody recommended me to do it two years that's such but now it is different years now it's different it's just like a bunch of australian djs and then like instagram people i feel like like no one that I talked to had actual any interest in me. I messaged with a few people and I was like, well, I'm not a model.

And so therefore, this might be a fun conversation for you, but you aren't taking me seriously whatsoever. But you could be a model. You're tall. Is she the coach? But I got this message from this person on Hinge and they commented on one of my pictures and they said, hey, who dis? Am I seeing Monique here? And I said, actually, I'm Sherry Shepard.

And he said, I know you're not Monique. I was trying to flatter you. Did it work? I said, no. Then he said, never mind. These are the conversations I am having. He was a nice man. I don't want to say his name.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Okay. But he— Did you talk to him more or that was the end? No, that was the end of it. I mean, I don't—it's up to you, right? If he's like—if you want to pursue it further. But like, I don't know.

I think first impressions are real. Yeah. And then, like, why ask me if I'm the other black person you know? Of course. Of course. It really bummed me out. It should. I feel like sometimes people think they're being funny.

And like, it shouldn't be up to you to give them the benefit of the doubt. I think you're obviously well within reason, and you've shown that, that you can just say, no, thanks. I think I would have kept talking to him if I had said, no, I'm Sherri Shepherd. And then he was like, ha, ha, ha, touche. I'm whoever. And then, like, talk to me like a normal person as opposed to, like, I was trying to flatter you. And I was like, well, obviously you touche. Right. I'm whoever, and then like talk to me like a normal person as opposed to like, I was trying to flatter you. And it was like, well, obviously you didn't. Yeah.

Because I hit you back with something. Yes. But I mean, oh, whatever. Can you volley? Yeah. Can you come back from it? Okay. But that is disappointing.

I have a question. Yeah. Do you remember your first boyfriend? The first out of seven? Yes. Was this in high school or college? High school. What's a high school boyfriend like?

This was the beginning of me being with someone and not fully being sure or liking them and enduring it. And I did that for years. Although, of course, there were differences in between. I was very much in love with a lot of great men in there i guess it's more like eight but uh but yeah the podcast goes on it's like actually it's nine it's 10 actually it's 42 i've had 42 boyfriends yeah but yeah robert was my first boyfriend really and it was like valentine's gifts exchanging on my mom's couch and like getting fingered with no, just fully dry fingered, you know. And, you know, he was going, I think he was on Accutane at the time. So he was like, his face was really sensitive and his lips were always chapped.

Oh, no. And it was like, which I don't mean like to bring that up like it was gross. It's just like awkward teenage years. Yes. You know, and I had no tits. And so it was like, that was such a huge insecurity for me. And it was probably for the best. It was like birth control.

Because I didn't want to be like naked. And I have a bit about it, but like I did wear a water bra for a bit, which was really only a trick. I don't think I thought water bras were real. Yeah, my mom had one. And I stole it. There was just water sloshing around? Just water and a bra. Oh, how wild.

It's almost like you put little silicones in a bra and sewed them in. But obviously that's going to only work. What a treat, though. Yeah, wait until the summer, and then you're in a bathing suit, and your pads are leaking. And then if you hit something too hard and it bursts. I don't think it would burst, but it did make a strange, like, you know, that I couldn't explain. That's very fun for me. I have little titties, and I used to be very self-conscious of them.

But now I don't care because— Well, they help you age well, little titties. They all—I don't know. They're not great titties. I know. It's one of those things, like, but would you ever mess with them? That's the thing. I look at mine, and I'm like, I love

these because they're mine and I'm telling myself that I mean, because I've gained and lost weight a lot of times. I have this joke where I say my boobs are like an atheist dad at Catholic Mass. They're just like, I'm not going to get up again. You know? Because I've gained and lost so many times, but like

and then I'm like, just kidding, my boobs are great. But it's like I'm not going to get surgery on them to make them different. I might. Yeah, but that's why I brought it up. I was curious. I might get like a breast lift. I don't think I'll get them bigger because I kind of like that they're small. Having big old titties, I feel like if you don't want attention,

you kind of always get the attention from the gentlemen. But little titties, you can cover them up and they go away and then people don't stare at you. Yeah, that's true. You know, I could wear a push-up bra

and be like, hello, they're here. Or I could just wear a little sports bra and be like, goodbye. Like I've never had to like some girls have to like wear two sports bras to run and that seems like a lot no but I haven't had one baby yeah I just my boobs are probably bigger I mean I just I really did have no boobs forever because of gymnastics and then I grew them in college you You did gymnastics? With ice cream. Yeah. I was a gymnast.

No offense. Aren't you too tall? I was like third grade until, or no, first grade until sixth grade or something. So I was really flexible and still am. I can still do the split. You can? I've been learning how to re-get my split. Re-get.

Were you a gymnast for a while or a dancer? I did tap, jazz, gymnast for a while or a dancer? I did tap, jazz, and ballet for a while. And then I did gymnastics the longest. And then I think I quit that maybe sixth grade. Because some girl was like,

you're too fat. And I was like, you're right. I know, don't you, it's just, so irritating. Kids are mean.

There's no reason why that little girl had to say anything. I know, why are kids mean I guess we're like pushing the boundaries on other people cause I had

of course I had things said to me that still haunt me you know about your looks or your appearance your teeth or your face

something about your body I wasn't the nicest little girl no I was a shit in 6th grade I think to other girls I think for sure that we were

clicky. But I can truly count on my hand to the nastiest things I've said to someone's face. There's no need. Talk about people behind their backs. Like a normal person. There's no need to tell them to their

face. This person tweeted at me. They were like, am I the only one? But is Nicole Byer extremely obnoxious? So I responded. I was like, you're not the only one. I saw that. I saw that and I faved it. It's like a lot of people think,

but they say it to a friend in passing or out loud alone with a sigh. Right. But thank you for letting me know. Personally. Thank you so much. I know. What is that?

They got what they wanted. They wanted, I guess, to fight with people online because then there was like a lot of interaction with the people in the mentions or whatever. I think next time I respond to someone, I'll be like, and there's no reason to go after this person. They're just letting me know their thoughts and I hear them. I see you. Yeah.

I'm just also like. It's okay. You just got off a plane. It's okay. You can go on. I'm sorry. I'm just also like it's okay you just got off a plane it's okay you can yawn I'm sorry I'm not on it's okay it's okay you just got off a plane you can yawn you can wipe your eyes it's fine you're okay but um

I don't know these people sometimes forget that you're a human that's the trouble with all of the social media bullshit but I guess going back to get that you're a human oh yeah that's the trouble with all of the social media bullshit yeah but i guess all the going back to the theme of your podcast um the dating apps are linked to social media yes so there was that aspect i found when i was on raya where you would say okay who is this person you see what they put out and then you could go to their instagram from there and be

like who are they really and then one time i went to his this guy's account and like i told you i was on there for such a brief window and it was like he had something like i don't remember the exact number but millions of followers oh and i was like how do i what it's just like that's the wild world we live in there's pockets of people who are just like yeah having millions of fans and followers you don't know who they are uh i just found this singer her name's coley something i don't know i didn't know about her and i heard this one song and i really liked it and i went to her instagram i was like you already have a million how do a million people know about you already right it's crazy like all the coachella artists there's people i don't fucking know and

then they have like two million followers. It's, we live in a really wild time where everybody seems to know everything really fast and I don't. I know. And that's why it's nice dating a young person because they keep me. Oh, he keeps you in touch. Keeps me in touch. You say young person. He's not that much younger than you. He's 25.

Six years. Seven years. Yeah, I just think it's like. 25 is young. Okay. I think it's the first year that you might feel like you're a fully formed human. At least I did. Mine wasn't until like 28.

I felt 25 because, I mean, when you're 18, I thought I was an adult. But 25, I felt like, okay, I might be a real human now. And like whatever. But I've always been responsible for myself so I don't I don't know definitely a type a person I'm a type b person there's only type a there's no like b or c I know what is that about that's weird I'll invent it I'm a type b I follow some rules but not all of them like traffic laws I think they're just suggestions. Like late at night, you want me to stop fully at a red light? There's nobody coming.

I'm going. I got pulled over in New York for turning right on red because I didn't know it was a rule. Oh, I didn't know that was a rule in New York. Yeah, New York. Yes. And I had, it kept me there forever. It was a whole nightmare. But yeah, I had to do a breathalyzer.

Did you pass? Yes. I was just so tired. They kept me sitting had to do a breathalyzer. Did you pass? Yes. I was just so tired. They kept me sitting there for an hour. That's rude. And I was just like, I'm not drunk. I'm tired. Last time I did a breathalyzer, I sucked on it. Did you really? Yeah, and they took me away. But I wasn't driving. Oh, good. I was passed out in my car. And you cannot be passed out in your car in the driver's seat. I didn't know that.

Okay, okay. Yeah, it was a whole big old thing. I knew that because I grew up in Ohio and everybody was always trying to avoid DUIs. So I knew that you shouldn't do that. But also I can see why you would think that would be okay. Fun thing I learned about DUIs, if you have a breathalyzer in your car, in some states they will put a camera in your car to see that you are actually blowing into it. Because some people would blow up, pre-blow up balloons.

That's great. Then let the breath from the balloon. Brilliant. And then drive drunk. And I was like, I've never loved something so much. That's freaking me. That I'm going to do that. I thought you were going to say a friend blows in it for them.

No, no, no, no. A balloon. I keep getting messages on Tinder that are just like, what's going on? And they're just like, want to check. Like, that's their opener. Yeah. And I'm like, a lot of things. Can you ask something specific?

I would rather like, how was your weekend? Yes. As opposed to like, what's going on it's like I don't know I could tell you about any 10 things I'm doing I know that I I can understand that too once again I can only really draw on my brief period of time on on my dating app or whatever but it was I agree with you it was sort of like um where do I start I'm living in Vancouver but normally I live in you know whatever I was on it for like a living in Vancouver but normally I live in, you know, whatever. I was on it for like a month in Vancouver.

I have lusted after someone and like pursued them and gone after them, you know? Did it work out in your favor? It was a years long process. I had a crush on him in college forever and he would never really give me the time of day. And honestly

I convinced myself that it was because I was like heavier and he just always dated like sorority girls at the college and younger. And then after college, I moved to Chicago and I, years later before I was going to move to LA, ended up losing a lot of weight. And then I kind of like got back in touch with him and then I started dating him. So there was always that in the back of my head. But he was chubbier. So I don't know. I think I might have even brought it up to him and he was like, no. Interesting. But it did definitely put a complex in my head about that. Can I ask you a question about your weight?

Of course. You bring up losing and gaining weight a lot, but I've never known you to be like a fat person. Right. Do you consider yourself fat? No. Okay. No. It was my early years of stand-up. It was my first jokes.

And I was about 198, 200 pounds, which is just not a lot. I think so many people think that's a lot. I think all guys think women weigh about 130 pounds, and it's like we're all so humans, and then we also have butts and boobs, so we're probably going to weigh more, although they say muscle weighs more than fat. But yeah, I mean, I was the biggest of my friend group in college and late in college. And I definitely dieted in college and then early in my Chicago

years. So it's been a long time. And I guess I've gained and lost weight over about 20 pounds difference. And I've always carried it well, I think because I was a gymnast. I had a nice base there. But no, I certainly don't consider myself fat. Are you familiar with the man who loves his curvy wife? On Yelp? No, on Instagram. Because there's a guy who Yelps about it. Wait, what?

Yeah, I was looking up. I forget where I was. Where was I? Oh, Denver. And I was like, where's a good coffee I was. Where was I? Oh, Denver. And I was like, where's a good coffee shop? I always find like a bakery or something. And some man was like, you know what? I don't know if he said my curvy wife or he said my fat wife and I went here.

We went to this bakery and my fat wife loved it. Oh, my goodness. And I just was like, is this? And then the more of his I read, it would always be like, me and my fat wife went here and she loved. And I'm sort of like, I guess this is a parody of some guy going there. I wonder if it's a parody of this man who loves his curvy wife. Well, I'll tell you, I love him so much. So what is his name on Instagram?

I'm not going to give him. You can just go find him. Okay. So he made this Instagram post that went viral where he was like I used to feel ashamed. My friends loved these women who were sticks and I didn't love that.

I love a woman with curves. I love my curvy wife. People might not like her cellulite but I love her dimples. And it was just like this insane thing and then you see a picture of her and she is maybe a size 12 or 14 yes she's curvy but she's she's smaller than a fat person maybe slightly she's not a stick she has a like a curvaceous body I guess but it was just so wild to me that he was just like oh oh, boy, everybody thinks she's disgusting.

But I really like her. Oh, my God. So now they're having a curvy baby. She's pregnant. She's curvier than ever. She's curvier than ever. She's going to get even more curvy. I'm going to, I got to read what I saw today because he makes me so happy.

He's so funny to me. He is dropping a music video. But so does now, like, are you liking him ironically or do people kind of go after him for the fact that she's not big? People make fun of him. Okay. They're just like, what is happening? But then also people genuinely love him. So he is releasing a song

I guess I can't play it on here because he'll probably like send me a cease and desist but it's just like I love everybody curvy you got tiger stripes those are your stretch marks that you should love oh my god but uh so he this is he wrote. I love curvy women and curvy women love me. Enjoy these behind the scenes shots from my big music video shoot this weekend. My DMs exploded yesterday with everyone wanting to know more about this project. So here's the backstory. Last year I felt the creative winds pushing me in a musical direction. I wanted to create a body positive summer anthem for curvy women that would inspire them to rock their stretch marks, thick thighs, and big booty at the pool with confidence.

And, okay, curvy husband, I'll tell you something. Nothing ever inspires more, you know, body acceptance than a white man. I know. Singing about loving tiger stripes on a woman. He is maybe the funniest person I've ever met in my life oh and here is this uh the curvy baby announcement it fills me with pure joy to announce that my curvy wife is now a sacred vessel carrying my seed the air to my name creating life in her beautiful, soft, increasingly round tummy. It's like erotic fan fiction.

Kind of. He's not well. He's a sick man. And I love him so much. I'm just shocked that, whatever, I'm glad the internet dragged him a little bit. A little. Whatever. I'm glad the internet dragged them a little bit.

But also, everything's whatever. We talked about this a little bit, but it's like my earliest jokes were self-deprecating about my weight. And then when I started to lose weight, I was still telling them until they didn't work because people were like, fuck you. So that's how I learned that I wasn't fat anymore is when people weren't laughing. They were like, that's not funny. You're a thin woman. Why are you talking about your big ass? You don't have one. Exactly.

And so I think that has always been a part of me too. And I definitely associated it with if guys were attracted to me or not. Because I felt like in college they weren't because of that. I was always the one who was the biggest. Beth.

Yeah? Here's a question. Would you date me? Yes. I already kind of said that at the biggest. Beth. Yeah? Here's a question. Would you date me? Yes. I already kind of said that at the beginning. I'm trying to find this for you. I would date you. Thank you.

Yeah, you know, it would be hard not to just be a stay-at-home mom for you. You do all the work and me stay at home and enjoy the pool. Enjoy the pool. Take care of our non-babies. I don't know. The dogs! Take care of the dogs! Is that something you want? Stay at home? No, I do not want kids. Okay. I used to want a whole gaggle

of children. The older I get, the more I'm like, you know, seems hard. Seems bad. I know. I'm pretty selfish. That's how I, the longer I go, the more I think. Beth, can you give me advice on meeting someone in person? Yes. Well, the thing is, have you ever hooked up with a fan after a show? No.

Okay. Do you have men coming up to you? Well, when I was in Austin. It happens to me, I'll be honest. When I was in Austin during my show, I was telling a joke about it. I was like, I like fucking white men. And then this man clapped. And I was like, oh, yeah, you too?

Or are you trying to fuck me? Because he was white. And he was like, the second. I was like, oh, okay. And then he was like, yeah, I'll fuck you. And then I did a loose 10 minutes hitting on him. His name was Colin. He threatened to fuck me.

And then he didn't fuck me. He didn't follow through. And was it, and it's not on you, but I'm asking for follow-up. After the show, did he come up to you? Did you go up to him? So, yeah, after the show, I had to walk past him to get to the green room, and he, like, gave me a hug. And I was like, hey, I just need to, like, sit for a second

just so, like, the place clears out. I just need to, like, you know, not perform anymore. And he's like, oh, yeah, I'll find you. Then he slapped my ass and I was like, oh, it's on. And then I was talking to Sasheer and she recorded the whole thing. She's like, I want you to fuck Colin. I was like, I want to fuck Colin.

So then I go out, the audience is gone. I was like, oh no, did Colin leave? And then I see him outside and I was like, oh, he's still here. And Sasheer's like, go, do it. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, oh no, did Colin leave? And then I see him outside. I was like, oh, he's still here. And Mr. Shearer's like, go do it. And I was like, okay. And then I was like in the zone, go outside. He's gone. He left. He got in the lift. And then I got his number from someone who was still at the venue. They were like, oh yeah, we were hanging out with Colin. He was a lot of fun. Here's his number. And I was like, great. So then I texted

him. I can't believe you got his number like that. I did. I was like, the universe wants me to fuck this man. So then he was like, oh, I'm in South Austin now. And I was like, okay, well, what do you do tomorrow? And he was like, yeah, hit me up tomorrow. So I hit him up on tomorrow, and he never texted me back. And I'm angry. Yeah. Because he was just talking a big game then?

Yep. Or he was drunk and they were like, oh, he was also heckling at the show before and I was like, oh, okay. So I guess he was just, you know, living his best life. I don't know. I know sometimes people will, if I say, has anybody blank? And then I'll be like, nobody? And then somebody will go, whoa!

And I'm like, because you really did it? Or because you just think you're helping? And they're like, no, I didn't really do it. So I don't know. Sometimes people act like fools. It's very upsetting. I don't know. Men comics very much capitalize after a show. Oh, yeah.

They really, excuse me, rake it in. And I've seen it and I know it. And really they only have a matter of time with these women before they realize how bad they actually are. They're damaged and they're bad news bears. Yeah. There's just a window period after the show where it's still attractive. And then when they start talking and being misanthropes, it's like, oh, okay, this is bad. But with us, I find people that come up to me after the show are often like, hey, that was great. come up to me after the show are often like,

hey, that was great, or if they hit on me. I personally can't trust someone like that. So that would, I'm saying like, I guess I was trying to gauge if you would be into it, and you are. I'm fully here for it. If I find you attractive, and you're down to fuck, and you're at my show, and I ask you, and I hit on you for 10 full minutes,

I will fuck you. Follow up, dude. I mean, hey, whatever. We've come to the end. We gotta get you to Beverly Hills for your appointment. Do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, gosh. No. Beth, do you have a website?

Yeah, it's just sweetbeth.com. I'm coming to Madison, Wisconsin next, May 16th through 18th. Don't know when this is going to come out. Me neither. So, what if it never comes out? Because that's boring. Sweetbeth.com for her tour dates. Yeah. You can watch her Netflix special.

It's part of the stand-ups series. Season Uno. Episode 5. Episode 5. Your Comedy Central half hour can be found on the Comedy Central app. Probably. You can. Instagram Beth Stelling.

Yes. And then your Twitter. Beth Stelling. And then you can rewatch Crashing so she can get residuals. Thank you Beth for being here. I feel like I didn't even give you good advice on meeting someone in person. It's okay. You did.

I think you did. Oh wait. Okay. If you like this episode of my podcast, you can subscribe. And you can send me something nasty in a DM or my email, which is baconcansave at gmail.com. Or you can tweet it at me. But if you say something nasty, I'll read it. So this person said, I'd eat your everything so thoroughly that I'd make you squirt harder than Yosemite and more beautifully than the Bellagio. We'd have sweet little Midwestern tourists snapping pictures while I snapped at your puss.

Instead of old faithful, we could call you old gayful. Hmm. Which is interesting. The you old gayful. Hmm. Which is interesting. The last part lost me. Yeah, I think they got a little too confident with it. I don't really want to be called old gayful. No. It's not nice. I mean, you're joyful.

Joyful. Oh, maybe that's what it is. Joy, like happy and gay. Meh, I don't know. Okay, bye-bye. like happy and gay okay meh I don't know okay bye bye this has been a Team Coco production.