Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Neurodiversity (w/ Sam Pancake)

Episode Date: September 20, 2019

"He said, 'I'd rather be dead than how old YOU are.'"Things get real emotional in this episode. Sam Pancake (Arrested Development, A Million Little Things) discusses dating people on the spectrum, losing your partners to HIV, and agism in dating. Plus, Nicole's neighbor's kids are flying drones on her property, and she has a bone to pick with AMDA.Check out Sam Pancake's podcast - Monday Afternoon Movie!You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, it's another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It is a podcast where Mina Kohlbauer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you ask me nicely, I will lick the back of your ears even after you haven't washed the back of your ears in two months. You know how it gets that weird little smell

if you don't really wash it good? Ooh. Ooh, baby, my guest today. You know him. You love him. You've seen him on Abby's. Abby. You've seen him on Abby's.

Busy Tonight. A Million Little Things. Dumplin'. The Mick. The Family Lamp. Gilmore Girls. A Year in the Life. Documentary Now.

Bajillion Dollar Property. Transparent. Yeah. It's got a mmm out of that. You forgot one of your credits, and that was maybe my favorite reaction. It's Sam Pancake. I was so sick that day. I remember when we did Bajillion, I did it with Drew Droege and Drew Tarver, who I'm,

who isn't in love with. He's a maniac. I love him. So much. But I was so sick, and yet I still, with permission, kissed Drew Tarver on the mouth. Oh, Drew will do anything for a joke. He will. Those are my favorite people that do not care about what they look like.

Because some actors are like, but I'll look stupid. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, for anything funny. Anything. I'm a clown. Look at my face. This mouth? My name is Pancake. It's real. Wait, that's your government name? Yes, for anything funny. Anything. I'm a clown. Look at my face. This mouth? My name is Pancake.

It's real. You think it's funny? Wait, that's your government name? Yes, ma'am. It's a German name. I thought that was like a stage name. See, I'm happy to clear that up because it is German. Okay, so it's von Kuchen is the German word for pancake.

And in Germany, they were von Kuchen. And then my particular branch moved to Virginia in like the 1740s, 50s. And so they slowly anglicized it to pancake, which is what it means. Oh. Did you do like an ancestry.com thing? How do you know this? Yeah. Well, my people, it's that thing of like people who have been, it's white people who have been in a specific county because it's the same county I grew up in.

And everything's traceable and trackable and all that stuff. And I have people, because it's such a weird name and because we're asked about it so much, it's like other relatives who are really in the genealogy have done all the work.

And Pancake, apparently, it's just like Schumacher or Smith or Wright, like other things that meant people who make, Cooper, which is a barrel maker. I guess they made Pan who make, Cooper, which is a barrel maker. I guess they made Pancake Baker. Yeah, Cooper is a barrel maker. That's hilarious. My last name's Byer,

so I guess bitches be shopping. That's right. I've heard you say that before on here. You were like Saks Fifth Avenue Byer. Have I? Oh, okay, let me just, ladies. So many episodes. Who knows what I'm ever saying anymore?

First of all, I cannot even begin to, because I said to you, I wrote you and I was like, can I please do this show? Because I'm ever saying anymore. First of all, I cannot even begin to, because I said to you, I wrote you and I was like, can I please do this show? Because I love you so much. I adore you. You're very sweet. But I, why won't you date me? Why won't you? It's an earworm. I love it so much. I've listened to so many.

And one of my besties, Roz Drez of Valespa, was on. I was like, what? Daddy first. Roz is wonderful. And that's how I met you. That's right. I did your show, Roz's... Humor hole. Humor hole. Close enough. At the improv.

And that was the first time I've seen a drag queen do a comedy show in a non-gay space. Right, in like a basically straight comedy club, which is what Roz is trying to do, is doing. Loved it. It made me so happy because the audience was not just gay people.

It was like a mix of people. And I watched one man walk in and go, huh, is that a dude? And then he sat right down and was like, I'll get to the bottom of this. I will solve this mystery. I gotta solve this. And then we also do the One Server,

which I think you've also done, which is a comedy game show where I think you opened for us one time. It's kind of a what's my line, but with comedians and regular quote unquote

people off the street. Which we're doing again on, should I say that now? Yes. September 14th, my dead father's birthday. Anybody interested? Dead daddy birthday.

My dead daddy birthday is September 18th. Oh, that's very close. That's one of my nephews who's alive, thank God dead daddy birthday is September 18th. Oh, that's very close. That's one of my nephews who's alive, thank God. His birthday is the 18th. My mother's birthday is hard for me to remember because sometimes it would fall on Thanksgiving. Oh, wow. And then sometimes it wouldn't.

So sometimes I'm like, I guess my mom's birthday is the third Thursday in November. But I was like, that's not. No, no. Yeah, that's Thanksgiving. How birthdays work. It's one date. And then sometimes, yeah. So if you, I would have to go look it up.

I would have to go. So it's anywhere from like November 21st to 28th probably. I'm a terrible daughter. But guess what? She did. So it don't matter. I was born on Mother's Day. So I get mixed up because Mother's Day changes.

But my birthday is always May 10th. Because I'm 5'10 and I'm also 5'10. Hi, it winds. Thank you, God, for making it easy because numbers are hard. Numbers are hard. Numbers are lit the worst. Hi, Nicole. Hi, hi.

Sam, Sam. Are you single? Technically, yes. Technically. A technicality. Let me tell you something yes I think something just ended

and I can't get speaking of getting to the bottom of it I can't get to the bottom of my top wait so you I can't get to the bottom of my top so you were dating somebody

well let me okay so fucking somebody fucking somebody okay fucking me back and forth for how long? Since September.

But it's this dude that I've known since. That's almost a year. I know, right? So here's what I'm in the thick of. And I want to just announce to everyone that I am tech avail single and ready to tech avail mingle. Because people will slide into your DMs. Yes, yeah. And that's another sidebar is like how good instagram has been for

me in terms of dating for so many people okay right good for me it is not i am going on a date in november with a man who lives in pennsylvania it's july i know well he slid into my dms about two months ago and was like uh uh, when you come to Pennsylvania, I'd love to take you out on a date. And I read my, uh, like my, my,

the DMS from the people who don't accept the mystery. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, because people will send me nasty things to read on the podcast. So I like,

I'll try to go through them sometimes. And I was like, well, I haven't been on a proper date in a while. Why not? So I answered him. I said, sure. And then he was like, well, are you going to be in Pennsylvania any sooner? I was like, well, I haven't been on a proper date in a while. Why not? So I answered him. I said, sure. And then he was like, well, are you going to be in Pennsylvania any sooner?

I was like, no. I've also given him one word answers. And if you listen to the podcast, the reason is I don't think you can get to know someone over text. No, you can't. I think that's a fallacy, a lie, fake news. Okay, you know what? That reminds me because this thing just happened. And I would like to take this to the court of public opinion. Okay, you know what? That reminds me because this thing just happened and I would like to take this to court of public opinion.

Yes, please. Because it's weird because I have talked on stage about the fuck buddy situation, which is we're going to call the thing. But letting people know like also I am available to date because there was not an emotional thing with this fuck buddiness, which is why I term it successful, because neither of us, I mean, I didn't fall into any kind of, like, emotional thing, because this is a very, my patterns, cut-off, emotionally cold person, but great at the sex, which I think is so strange. Yeah, I think that's the mark of a sociopath, where you can connect physically, but not mentally.

Okay, but the other thing is, though, and I don't know how to phrase this because i don't know what i can fucking say anymore i'm an old man neurologically different yeah i think it's called neurodiverse neurodiverse thank you what i've learned okay so i think that is an element that he and i didn't talk about now i went on a date date a month or so ago with someone who was very open about their neurodiversity and it did not go well for me at all. Oh, may I ask what their neurodiversity was? Autism. Ah, I feel like I've met, I mean, not, I feel like I'm in comedy.

I know a lot of people on the spectrum. Exactly. Obviously. Obviously. Yeah. But I don't think I've ever met someone fully autistic. I don't think. This is the thing I'll tell you more about off camera.

Oh, sure. Because it was a situation that I don't want to – this person clearly was – it's a different mindset that I wouldn't feel good like talking humorously and lightly about and casually about. But that's not my fuck buddy. That's a different situation. But what I want to hit first upon, ladies and gentlemen, is this guy starts, follows me on Instagram, beeps in, bops in, boops in, like does little, do little picture collage of me. Like I put something up of me in drag. He did a thing of like me in the drag in the eye.

It's just like. So he follows you on Instagram and then posts on his page pictures of you? He sent me a DM of like this little photo collage he made. I'm like, oh, that's cute. I check it out. Oh, very handsome. Looks kind of like my ex. Not a bad thing because my ex is very handsome.

Yes. That's not why I broke up with him. So then talking on DMs, he's very into film and like a lot of stuff in common, talking, talking, and then he asked me to go to a movie with him at the end. This week, actually, the end of July. Did you see the Hollywood movie? Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I saw it with Roz, with Gio. Was it good? On Sunday. go to a movie with him at the end this week actually the end of july the hollywood movie once upon a time in hollywood i saw it with with roz with geo was it good on sunday it's there's a lot there to enjoy i live in hollywood i was my friend ariana the costumes like i was i

remember driving by when they shot they closed off a piece of hollywood there's so much in there but it's also i agree with the critics that it's very conservative and it's views because it's middle-aged white straight man view of the way things used to be there. And there's like hippies and the beaners and the things like that, that are like, which is like, yes, people were like that then,

but it's through that lens still, which is like, aren't we don't, but then also there are things happen, which I absolutely loved and the acting like Caperland has a thing

there's like fun people in it I love Caperland you can't go wrong she's absolutely adorable she's such a treat Margot Robbie's just a breezy breath of fresh there's so many

Leo is he's amazing I just keep one keeps forgetting or I it's cause he dates children and you think about that a lot and then you forget that he's a pretty good actor he's like only dates 24 year olds right or something he's only dated 24 or when he was younger i think it was

like maybe he dated a 30 year old but he hit his 30s and was like no children only i know it's i don't understand what you talk about with a, like, I remember being 21, and I remember not having anything valuable to ever say to a person. I remember thinking that I did, but I didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's a 25-year-old in the mix here in Pancake Land, too, which we'll get to that. Oh. But anyway, back to. Seems like you're fucking a whole bunch.

Well, we haven't fucked yet, but we've. I'm very jealous. Listen, let me tell you something. We're fucking a whole bunch. We have fucked, yeah, but we've... I'm very jealous. Listen, let me tell you something. I am in like this renaissance, and I am well over 45, my dear. What are you doing to be in this renaissance? Well, I'll get to that, but I want to finish up this one thing because I want to have your opinion on it because I'm still a little bit angry. Okay.

So, dude starts... He asked me to a movie. Yes. We're talking deep movies Criterion He's really Following on Instagram There He's like Here's my number

Text me Okay He I'm almost positive I could check But I'm sure He was the one Here's my phone number

We start texting Texting for like a solid week And then I say Why don't we have a dinner first Because I don't want to wait Until the This was three weeks I don't want to wait

Until the end of July. Let's get to know each other first. And I'm glad I did because then he was talking about this or that with the cats trailer. The day that everything was about the cats trailer. Oh my God. What a treat that trailer is. I'm like, I, that's a whole other podcast. So then he was like, I don't know if I can get through this without drinking.

And I was like, but he's like, but I don't drink. And I'm like pills. Like I've made pill. thank God for that pill emoji. And I'm a sober person too. That's another story. But like used to really super not be sober at all ever. So, and he was like, oh, I don't have any, but my BF does.

And I was like, wait, this is after a week of texting. Yes. No indication anywhere on any of the social media of a boyfriend. And I said, wait, you have a boyfriend? I said, ha ha ha, laughy face, angry inside, really. You have a boyfriend?

I said, this has been me flirting with you this whole time. He was like, and I know. He said, literally, I know, and it's completely fine. I was so mad. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go. And he was like, wait, does this mean we can't hang out? And I'm like, yes. And this is me at my best with all my fucking recovery work and my therapy and my best self. i didn't say what i wanted to say i said

instead um no i'm not comfortable with that i don't want to go out with someone i'm attracted to who's off limits i've had enough of that in my life yeah i should have took responsibility which is what we do as an adult a mature adult i said i should have been more clear in my intentions have a great life and he was like well blah blah and then that was that and I want to tell you like I've had a lot of hookups to dms and he was doing all the things the way I mean I was whenever somebody slides into my dms I'm like you can't possibly think I'm gonna be your fucking friend from the internet thank you like I've never like sure I've seen people on, the internet and been like, ooh, you seem cool. Yeah.

But I'm not going to DM them to be like, let's hang out. That's the most insane thing I've ever heard in my life. Okay, thank you. If I'm going to DM somebody, it's truly like, I'm going to shoot my shot. That's important. I'm going to shoot my shot. Maybe I'll try to run into the person in real life to make a friendship happen but also i have enough friends me three yeah i'm a billion years old i got it covered yeah i've had people like there's been

like two three maybe four people who slid into my dms and been like can i take you out on a date they said d-a-t-e yeah date to me a date is Yes. Friends don't go on fucking dates. Thank you. I hang out with my friends. I see my friends. I chill with my friends. I don't fucking date my friends. I don't make out with my friends.

Yeah. So then this last guy, I was like, are you talking romantic date or what? Because he looked kind of gay. Not to be rude, but he was very pretty and well-groomed. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. And straights sometimes are disgusting most of the time. Yeah. And he was like, oh, I have a boyfriend.

Me and my boyfriend want to take you out on a date. And I was like, that's not a date. Great. And he was like, oh, did I mess up? And I was like, and I didn't answer. And I was like, you should, like, how dare you? Yes. How dare you get me excited for 36 seconds? How dare you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And when 36 seconds is actually dare you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugh. And when 36 seconds is actually a week? Yes. I was dumb, though. I take it, again, I take, I should have said something up front,

and I'm like, in my head, I was already like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I mean, yes. Which is crazy, and I'm already sleeping with a couple of people.

I mean, I feel like whenever there's a chance for a deeper connection where you're like, this is new, this is exciting, you're like, and we're going to get married. That's at least how I am. I'm always jumping to conclusions. If a conclusion was a trampoline, I'm on it.

Me three. I'm right there, just jumping right on it, being like, this is going to end beautifully. I'm over there at sky high. Is that what it's called? Jumping from trampoline to trampoline and falling in the pit of mushy styrofoam blocks. So how are you meeting people? I've been trying to meet people in person. I was just in Montreal.

I'll tell you something. Not one person in Montreal looked at me like I could be sexual. Really? Not one person. Really? Not one person. Sometimes I get some old dudes, like old white men here in the States love me.

Yeah, including me. They can't get enough of me. I had one old man say, so I tell this joke about skinny dicks or whatever, and during this meet and greet, he was like, if you ever want a skinny dick, I'll give you one. And his wife was like, come on. And I was like like this is wild oh people lose their minds

like after dark especially old people like I always say midnight at a wedding the old men are like you're exotic and I just gotta get my fingers on you

midnight at a wedding that's also when the drunk dudes I've had that at weddings too like when straight dudes are like my dick's really big, man.

If you like a big dick, I got one. Which is like so insane. Because if you like talk to him about it the next day, you're like, no, I didn't say that. Right, exactly, yeah. I was on a trip and there was some gays, some straights, and I knew the gays. I didn't really know the straights. And I knew the gays. I didn't really know the straights. And the straight dude was talking to my friend's ex.

And he was like, yeah, if I was into dudes, you'd be my type. Just little, tight, and tan. I was like. Clearly thought about it. Fully, like, without. But then I also enjoyed that, like, he wasn't, like, hammered or anything. He had, like, a couple of drinks and was just like, this is how I feel. Well, I think a lot of guys, yeah, I like that.

A lot of guys probably feel that way. I know exactly the kind of women that I like, even though I'm so gay, gay, gay, gay, you know, but that's just fucking the way I was born. I can't help it. I'm excited for that to be the new norm. Yes. That like dudes are comfortable enough in their sexuality

that they can look at another man and be like, he's cute. Yeah. And I like his outfit. Yeah. I think that maybe I'll do that. Yes. Right? I just want men to be comfortable in their masculinity.

And also, like, you could suck a couple dicks and go right back to ladies. And, like, it's not an issue. Exactly. Or maybe you'll find out you love it. Yeah. I remember my friend who, this is, oh, we get pretty graphic here. Yes. My friend who directs porn.

Yes. Gay porn. Uh-huh. For Randy Blue. He worked for them for a while, but he was talking about guys who come there. And first of all, if you're even gay for pay or whatever, I'm sorry. I think of people like my brother-in-law, who's the straightest guy I know, also the coolest guy with any kind of sexuality.

He ain't going to be sucking a dick anytime soon. It's just like he's completely. Uh-huh. That's just dick anytime soon. It's just like, he's completely, Uh-huh, that's just not for him. It's not for him, and there's a lot of straight dudes like that, and then these guys

who like, you know, oh, I think it's a career option, I'll make maybe, I don't know, $1,500? I don't think it's that much,

which I think is really like insane. Exactly, but my friend was saying, someone you might know too, actually, he was like saying, these guys are gonna go and he's like, as the minute they start sucking a dick, they get, do-yo-yo-yo-yo, and get a

boner, and they're like, they don't know until they tried it. Literally didn't know they liked it until they tried it. So that's up there too. My friend Mateo has a joke about that. Mateo Lane? Yeah. I can't remember what the joke is. Also, I don't want to like tell his joke on my podcast. Look it up. Look him up, folks. If you ever see Mateo Lane, or you see him, he's coming to a city near you,

go see him. But my fuck-buddiness, this is in the renaissance of my middle-aged life. Wait, how old are you? Here's some history. I'll tell you off camera. Okay.

But I'm going to go like this right now, just so you know. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Okay, you don't look that old. Also, the older I get, the more I'm like,

I don't know what anybody's supposed to look like. The reason, and this is something else, like I had this guy this younger guy who's like has a supposedly a wit and a pundit and like a twitter person who was so mean to me recently at an event I'll tell you who it is after because I'm still fucking mad at this guy okay he was he said to me I'm wait say who it is and I can make a noise and we can bleep it out. Take that out. Can you honk it with that, Marissa?

Anyway, at an event thing, I'm not going to get into the whole story, and I won't go into too much of who he is because I need to speak to him about this personally. It was so mean. I made that mistake. Because here's my platform. I'm this older gay dude. When I was in my 20s, the gay men I knew were in the closet or sick or dead because of AIDS. I'm that old.

And I'm lucky and everything's good here and I'm healthy. Can I ask a question about that? I've never spoken to anyone I don't think who was alive during that period. Was it terrifying? It was so terrifying. Now, Nicole, that I might literally start crying. I literally didn't realize until now that like there's PrEP and things are totally different. Yeah. How – oh, my God.

How terrified I was that I sublimated so much of it because I started fucking, like, after we knew to wear condoms. Okay. And if it had been five years earlier, I might not be with you right now. Yeah. years earlier I might not be with you right now so with that in mind and knowing I'm a man in my 50s who is who's lost lots of people including my boss and my uncle and shit so this guy oh I'm sorry it's okay we don't have to talk about it no I want to say this okay no no I don't mind crying I do think it's because I do have a lot of gay listeners gay men listeners who i don't understand i don't think they understand how intense this period of time was yeah and if you get a chance to you could watch the normal

heart that could give you like a pretty good uh gauge into it yeah but if you could see it live oh fuck man because i worked in worked in commercial casting in the 90s and i had two bosses and they were a partnership but open in terms of romance. And my one boss who's still with us and still a friend, negative still, and his partner slowly died in the bedroom while I was in the office. Like literally watched him die. And beyond that, and we weren't that super close, but my friends and – I've lost so many people. You just – you artist, party, creative. I think about it now i as an entertainer yeah who

knows like a ton of drag queens yeah who also like you know people be fucking yeah exactly low-key fucking things people that you didn't think they were fucking i'm like i would probably have lost so many people you absolutely would have yeah and you know so yes so this gay guy who's probably in his early 30s, I made the mistake of saying to him at one event, like, how old actually is, because my whole thing was like, I'm an older gay guy, I want to be a good, even this one-man show I do, my kind of platform is like, I want to be the good older gay actor, comedian, role model that I never had. I did not have that.

And I had to, when I got sober and tried to become a better person and all this shit, I was like, I, you know, instead of just tried to become a better person all this shit um I was like I you know instead of just trying to fuck the kid you know fuck which that's lining up nicely too but like I want to be like and I do that for a lot of my younger friends like you know advice and whatever and so this guy was like oh at the first time he was like oh I knew you were a little bit older than us older I knew you were a little bit of an older gay but I didn't know you were that much older and I'm like oh yeah well I am little bit of an older gay, but I didn't know you were that much older. And I'm like, Oh yeah, well I am. And I realized I shouldn't have said that.

I don't even know why I said it in the first place. And then I saw him this other thing and he looked over at my phone. He's like, why is your text so big? I was like, cause I need to see it. He was like, you're so old.

How old are you again? I can't believe how fucking old you are. And I was like, said my age. And he was like, Oh my God. He's like, I'd rather,

and he was like, I can't believe you're that old. I can't, I never want to be that age. I said, honey, the thing is you're either be my age one day, this number, or you'll be dead. He's like, oh, my God. He's like, I'd rather. And he's like, I can't believe you're that old. I can't. I never want to be that age. I said, honey, the thing is, you'll either be my age one day, this number, or you'll be dead. He's like, I'd rather be dead than how old you are. This person said that to me at a nice, fancy dress affair.

So mean. And I get that people are insecure or whatever. And then I was, like, shocked by that. Was there a tinge of whimsy? There was no whimsy in it. There was no. It was not. And I know there's that funny thing. And I probably of whimsy? There was no whimsy in it. There was no, it was not, and I know there's that funny thing and I probably said it myself

when I was younger too, but there seemed to be so much anger underneath it and I don't know what that was about and I wanted to be like, bitch, I think of my friends who they wish they were alive today

and you was this like out gay man, proud and like, you know, cultural leader or whatever. It's like, how fucking dare you? It made me, it's like, you know, a cultural leader or whatever is like, how fucking dare you? Maybe it's like ageist is not cool. Rude.

Yeah. I would talk to him about it. I'd just be like, you said this thing. It really stuck with me. I didn't love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't do it to anyone else because it's like of of all the isms, ageism is one of them. And literally, you will be my age or dead.

There's no escape. Ageism is so interesting to me because men typically get to just age and then women just die. Women get punished for aging. Truly. I read this article, or not read, I saw a headline, that the new Tompkin, the woman who played Tom Cruise's girlfriend, isn't in it. And she was like, oh, I'm too old and fat, and I look age appropriate. And I was like, ooh, get him, get him.

But then I saw a picture of her, and I was like, yeah, she does look like a mom, but also that's how they still fuck. They're still sexy. We've got this weird idea of of sexy where I'm like, everyone is sexy to somebody. Exactly. And that's why I've been meeting these guys who like, don't mind.

Like, that's the other thing that's good about being my age now. It's like, I gotta be honest with you. I remember being 24, dating a 32 year old. I mean like, Oh my God,

he's so old. Sadly. Also he died. This specific guy, not to be a bummer, but that's the way it was, kids. So fucking honor what we went through. So then I wasn't looking at older guys. And, of course, again, everything was different because of the disease. And now, like, these 20s and 30s, they're, like, coming to daddy.

And I'm like, okay, daddy's here. Like, this 25-year-old that I old that I cuddle he like wants to cuddle all the time and fool around we met at freaking drag con he was dressed like this gorgeous leather encrusted angel he was like he literally this is sorry people do not have those stories no they don't and he was like wait wait because I saw him the first time I was with my friend Ann's mom she's like oh my friend Mark's got a boot and sock finish I gotta take a picture of this guy and so it's a whole other story. Her mom came in from Detroit and I escorted her about DragCon.

And then later in the day, he's like, hey, he's like, I know you. And I'm like, yeah, we met earlier. And he was like, no, you're from Charmed. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was on Charmed. You were on Charmed? I was. For how many episodes? Just one, just one.

Oh, because I was like, I've seen every episode of Charmed. Oh, seriously? OK every episode of Charmed. Oh, seriously? Okay. I loved Charmed. Do you remember when Chris Sarandon, also from West Virginia and so sexy, he played the necromancer who was romancing the grandmother? Yes. I was his assistant demon. Oh, I do.

I think I do like actually remember that episode. 2003 or 4, not a great hair situation, like kind of a long bob. Don't know what that was about. But anyway, this guy was like— Wait, was that before or after What's-Her-Name left? It was Rose years. Oh, okay. Because Rose literally got my name off the call sheet and called me at home,

which you're not supposed to do no matter what. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean— We're pals, me and Rose. Haven't seen her in a minute, but— Is she interested? Yes, she is indeed.

So he was like. I saw her in a restaurant wearing a full like pajama onesie. Okay. With no shoes on. Recently? And I was like, yeah. Okay. And I was like, I know there's footies on there, but you out in the world, you got to put on a shoe.

How come nobody said to you, no shoes, no service? Like, you got to go home and get shoes. I was fully floored. That's not even a slide. They're sandals. And she was really holding court and, like, basically screaming. I was like, homegirl's truly going through it. Uh-huh.

That's all I'm going to say is uh-huh. So this kid, when we finally go back to my place, eventually after a few dates, he was like, first of all, young. He's like, do you have Netflix? I'm like, I do. Rich, wealthy, wealth. Yes, I have $14.99 disposable income. Any more questions?

Guess what else I got? Hulu. Hulu. And Amazon Primo. Wow. So he was like, hey, can we watch Charmed? Can we watch your episode? I was like, absolutely not. And then he was like, can we watch Charmed? Can we watch your episode? And I was like, absolutely not.

And then he was like, can we watch Charmed? I was like, I'm not interested. I'm sorry. That's wild. He's like, do you have this other movie I'm in on Netflix? I'm like, no, we can't. We can go to the bed now and you shut your mouth. That's weird.

Is that like a kinky ad? A little bit. He wants to watch you on TV and then fuck you in real life? I think so, kind of. Oh my God. He's a person. We're still hanging, so whatever.

Because at first I was like, I don't know about this. Oh my God, I don't think he'll listen to this. Okay. He will if he wants to fuck you

and watch you on TV. But we do have to take a break. Hmm. on TV. But we do have to take a break. We're back. That's how you do it. It's a nice little break. We did it and ad ran. Don't know what for.

Probably for some. I hope it's for Quip. It's my favorite. Quip is, I'm waiting for my Quip right now because I work too hard on my Quip and I,

you know, it's just like lightly diddly diddly diddly. Oh. I brush on it. And so it's crumpled down and I need a new Quip. I need my new Quip, Quippy. Oh, I love my Quip. Although I installed the battery wrong so it doesn't vibrate right now.

But I'm waiting for my new brush head to come in. Oh, okay. So I'm waiting for my new brush head too. So I don't. Can't you flip the battery? Oh, shit. Just flip it. Bring it in and I'll do it.

I've become that guy too. Like my friend James, who's also 27, he said, can you come kill this bug? I was like, it's a spider. I'll take it out. Sam, I'll tell you, it's really exhausting being me. My whole thought process was, well, you put it in wrong, so you'll just wait for your new brush head and the new battery. And it never occurred to me that I could just turn the battery around. Yeah. You push the thing, you know how you tilt

it? Oh, I know. Okay. It just never occurred to me. I have moments like that too. So I completely, computers still baffle me. I'm a people in that way. It happens all the time. It's the thing is, you're a very successful, thriving businesswoman, and you need not worry. And you have John Milheiser come and fix it. I do, but he is currently on vacation. Oh, right, with his handsome, handsome boyfriend, Jack. Yes, yes, yes. They're at the shore.

That's nice. John was the first adult I played the parent of. Really? In his web series Dog Walkers Me and Angela Kinsey Play as parents Ah

Yes yes yes I was also in Dog Walkers Yes Because I saw them Oh boy When a friend Shoots something in your home You probably

You really Not probably You have no choice You'll be in it You got no choice I've shot so many That's because As I told you

I live in busy Phillips Guest House And I'm moving out out the end of August all loving and amicable, all good. But we shot, I was like at least I have these viral videos and these web series I've shot in this guest house to last forever.

I now don't let him shoot anything at my house because my house is very recognizable. Like if he shot the exterior of it. Got it, yes. Which I'm not, I'm picky about who's in my house, but I'm also like not picky if that makes sense.

I completely understand. There's enough room in my house where he can have people over and I have my space. Got it. Yes. I go into another. So like I watched the first couple episodes, but then like later in the run,

I like had to do work. So I was like, I'll just be in my room working. You guys be as loud as you want. I don't fucking care. That's good. I'm so loud in my house. I'm sure my neighbors hate me.

It's your house. I'm loud. Okay. Are they closely close close? Are they like a yard away? A yard. I mean, a lawn away. The two houses next to me are pretty close.

And then the house behind me has their whole backyard. Got it. Okay. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And then there's like children somewhere. And the house behind me has their whole backyard within their house. Okay. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And then there's like children somewhere. It's like I hear their twinkling laughter.

And you want to squelch it. Yeah. One time I was wearing a wig cap. My wig wasn't on yet. Sure. I was still getting dressed. Face full of makeup. And we heard something on my porch.

And I was like, what is that? And then John was like, there's children. porch Halloween no and I just appeared in the window from where you could see me at the porch and I'm bald-headed but made up and I went what do you want what do you children like I'm the crazy woman on my block and then they were like um are we need a and I was like I can't hear you then I went to my front door and I opened I have a people that's not like a people it's a it's like a literal click like you can swing the window open and you can like see people and I like opened it and I was like what what do you want and they're like we were flying a drone and we think it's in your backyard. What?

Yeah, the kids in my neighborhood have drones. So I was like, oh, look. So then I, also I'm cackling uncontrollably because I finally realized that I'm insane. So then I looked in my backyard, didn't see it. And I was like, it's not here. Which house are y'all? I'll bring you to find it. And they're like, two houses down here. Which house are y'all? Bring it if I find it. And they're like, two houses down.

You ever see The Sandlot? I'm James Earl Jones. Oh, okay, yeah. Okay, got it. Yeah, fair enough. Smalls. Yeah, and now I saw one of the kids recently and she truly paused before passing me.

I was like, she's scared of me and I like it. Perfect. I, well, Busy and Mark have two kids that I'm constantly seeing around. And I've done the same thing where I have been in drag getting ready for something, wig cap on, and stuck my head out the window. And because they live

in that circus up there, usually they don't bat a lash, you know. And my nieces and nephews, like, I don't have, I didn't have toys at my house. And when they would come over to the pool, I mean, they have their own pool. When they were little, they would come over, and I was like, Uncle Sam has no toys. He's got a big bag of wigs. It's pageant time. They're too old now, because they're like

17, 15, and 12, but I'm like, wig up. You have a name. I want to hear your name. I want to hear your talent. We're going to march around the pool in a giant Dolly Parton wig. That's fun. I love that. That would have been my dream. They were, of course, sadly, I think all my nephews are straight. Yuck. I know. If would have been my dream. They were, of course, sadly, I think all my nephews are straight. Ugh, yuck.

I know. If I had a child, a little boy, he would have to come out to me and be like, Mom, I like girls. And I'd be like, I'm devastated. I don't know who you are or who you belong to. It's like, it's like E.S. Massey in Female Trouble. The life of a heterosexual is a sick and boring life. Have you seen

ah dang it's a John Waters movie. Probably. I've seen them all. Desperate Living? Oh yes. I'm a thin eye on face. That's right. Gene Hill. Bitch at the air. Bitch at the trees. But don't bitch at me.

I discovered John Waters in my first semester of AMDAF, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. It's down the street from me. They used to not claim me. Now they claim me because I've mentioned it too many times and I'm devastated.

So whoever runs it, please take my name off of it. I don't want you to claim me. I love that you didn't claim me. Oh my god. I learned nothing. Really? Interesting. No, it. Oh, shit. I don't want you to claim me. I love that you didn't claim me. Oh, my God. I learned nothing. Really? Interesting. No, it was a terrible school,

and it was sued for saying they were accredited. I went, 4th of July, I went to my sister's house, and one of her mom friends, the kid was like, I just got accepted at AMTA,

and I had just listened to your podcast calling it scam. But this was a kid. I was like, God bless him. I didn't say a word. I mean, when I heard it was called.

It's so expensive for being what it is. I literally learned nothing. I went in with the same tools and left with the same tools. Really? The only thing that I learned that has been valuable in my career was Dan Daly was my theater teacher he said Nicole I don't find you dangerous on stage and I know what you're gonna do before you do it it seems mechanical and I was like oh so now when I do stand-up I try to surprise myself with my movements oh and when I'm acting I try to really like put myself as the character in that environment.

Yeah. And which I mean, obviously, but I'm like. But easier said than done. So like I touch my microphone a lot when I'm podcasting. Yeah. So I try to think in that way. Like what small weird or not weird. What small humanizing things can I do for this person?

Specifics. Yeah. And like one thing I can think of is on The Good Place. weird or not weird what small humanizing things can i do for this person specifics yeah and uh like one thing i can think of is uh on the good place anytime something weird happened where my character was responding to it i would try to like tilt my head a little bit and that was my way of thinking as opposed to looking up because that's not a real people don't really do that no uh so i like just tilt my head to think and then swing it back to say what i was gonna say so dan daly taught me that okay and then also he said uh you're all types you're all stereotypes it's not a thing i made up it's the way of the world if you don't like your type you could change it you're well within your means to change your body

and he was like look at yourself naked but you don't like change it and i was like that's the best piece of advice i think you can give somebody. Yeah, I learned it. Even if you're not an actor. Yeah, yeah. When I worked in casting, which was my last day job, like in the 90s, from like 88 to 97, I learned like we're all, all of us. It's a commodity, your objects, especially in commercials. You have this type and you have to like line up with that.

And that's the other thing is like I don't like to bitch much about my career except to like peers that get it because we know what we entered into. Yeah. We know the arena. No one forced us. No. And I guess, you know, of course you can all bitch and complain and like try to make things better.

And I only bitch and complain on set or at work if I see someone who's in power abusing someone who's not in power. And if someone who makes less money than me, especially I am so out of my way to be. I'm sure I had a moment or two, but the PAs, the ADs, everyone. I'm nice to all those people because you don't. Well, not just because. One, you don't know where these people are going to end up. And I've seen that a million times. Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, two, it's just easier. We're all there Yes, ma'am. Yeah, two. It's just easier. We're all there for 12 hours a day. Yeah, exactly. Some of them are there longer. You know, just be nice. Yeah, they get there before you and they're going to be there after you at the day and they're tired. We're all tired. We're all tired.

I'll say this, though. When an AD fucks up the scheduling, when I i'm like you don't have to call me in this early oh yeah that's fucked then i'm like i want to have a conversation indeed and i want to know what exactly you're doing that is absolutely valid it's not my place i'm on i'm on hold for the day so technically you have me all day yeah Yeah. I've become way more bold later being like, exactly what time do we think I'm going to be out? Like, if I'm up in Vancouver, you got me. I got nowhere to be.

What are you shooting in Vancouver? A Million Little Things, which is an ABC show that I recur on. Yes. I just came up with something today, and I want to say it. I came up because I came directly from therapy over here, and I said, I'm playing this, and I'm so grateful. And ABC, oh my God, maybe I shouldn't say this.

It's fine. The character I play is a gay man who's an assistant. I thought it aged out of assistant. I hadn't. To a woman played by Grace Park, who I absolutely adore. But it's so far the character, and I hope he gets to grow, and I'm grateful for anything, is like magical homo helping the straight lady with her life. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so my therapist said, it's like gay blackface. And I said, it's rainbow face. He's like, you're basically – this is like something that's probably not appropriate. He's like, are you kind of her mammy? And I was like, not an appropriate thing to say, but yeah. Well, the trope in script writing is called Magical Negro. Magical Negro. That's what I said.

Magical homo. Like the Legend of Bagger Vance. Vance, yes. Where, like, I believe Will Smith literally just appears to be like, Out of nowhere. Here's some advice for you and your white life. And there's another one. Goodbye.

There was another one that time, too. Because Spike Lee, I think, is the one who, like, came up with that. I mean, the term did that. And there's another one that time too because Spike Lee I think is the one who like came up with that I mean the term did that and there's another one that same year there were two in a row Bagger Vance and like was Matt Damon in Bagger Vance I believe so it always feels like it's someone like Matt Damon

anyway well a lot of the things like Corinna Corinna are like the help yes the help is fully whatever Sam are you on the apps The help. Uh-huh. You know? Yes, the help is fully just, ugh, whatever. Yeah. Sam, are you on the apps?

Okay, I was on Tinder for a minute years ago. Like right after I got sober, it was really hard to date, fuck, whatever, sober because it was all new for me because I'd never even kissed a boy being a gay man who came of age in the 80s. I never even kissed a boy without booze in me because it was all secret and like shame and like in the closet. So grew up on that. Difficult. Joined Tinder. And the good thing about Tinder

was guys I already knew, it was an easy way for them to say, I would like to date you. One I went out with twice, didn't, made out, didn't take. Another one like,

again, this guy who I would have, today I would marry him. We didn't even kiss. He just like, I still am unclear on what the situation was. It's annoying when like months, years later, you're like, what was that? Yeah.

The other annoying thing is the guys from the 90s who tell me now like, I had such a crush on you in the 90s. The 90s was my ugliest, not cute. Like I didn't watch old commercials and see this guy or watch TV. Like not some real not great looks and like why didn't you say it then? I don't

I don't think I've had anyone ever be like I was so into you where you're still young I'm so young but date wise I'm not I'm on scruff

I don't check it and I grind her but my drag queen friends and I'm working I'm doing Golden Girls Live now and if you get a chance to see Golden Girls Live, it's at Casa del Campo.

Casita del Campo. Casita del Campo. I think this will come out by the time it's over, but we do it twice a year. It's truly just, y'all learn the lines and do an impression, and it's so funny. I don't even know if you call what I do an impression, but yeah. I do, Sophia. It's so funny. Thank you. if you call what I do an impression but yeah I do Sophia I'm Sophia thank you but I don't

I was doing okay in real life like this fuck buddy situation which I haven't talked about fuck buddy thing was like known him for years he reminded me last fall we made out once

in front of Ackbar after the bar closed and you were like kind of the after party and I said this is him he's like I said I the bar closed and you were like, kind of an after party. And I said, this is him. He's like, I said I have my bike. And I was like, bye. I was like, stupid.

I made out with a lot of people and don't remember it. Oh, that's what alcohol does. It makes you bolder. What is it? You better be bold. You better be wise. You better be wise.

I guess you're not wise when you're drinking. You're just bold. But I got this message on hinge oh so this person liked my picture and i invited him to chat he said hi thrilling i said hi back because i'm gonna put in the same effort you put in and then he said are you a humorist what what is this a 1930s and you're garrison keeler i don't know that reference but i was like a humorist that's an old-fashioned way of saying a comedy yes and then i looked through his profile again and i made the mistake of not scrolling through everything and he's holding a microphone in a picture and i was like oh he's a humorist and he thought that was funny oh and then i got this man liked me

and then he sent me a message and said clyde my dog is the most handsome pup in the whole world but based on instagram stories i have to prefer char about my life a lot i know that uh a lot of information of about me is out there in the world but you don't have to regurgitate it back to me in a way that creeps me the fuck out okay yeah because then i'm like how do i talk to you if you already know everything yeah well I have my last big boyfriend like it wasn't until like a month or two in

because he pretended not to know like who are you and then he and then he said something about some show I was on I'm like excuse me and he was like

I know this and that and the other half IMDB I know all this shit you know but like just be it's still just be honest

I don't know that's creepy though that's a different thing yeah I didn't like that's's creepy though. That's a different thing. Yeah, I didn't like. That's personal. Yeah, it felt weird. It feels invasive.

It still feels weird. Yeah. I haven't matched with him, but I'm still leaving it there to just be reminded how much I don't like it. Okay, good.

Is he attractive? For me, I don't want to say because I don't, I don't know if he listens to this podcast. Okay, okay. He probably does.

I mean, yeah. And then also he prefers the worst dog. Oh, okay. Well. Charlie's so dumb. Is he? He doesn't even know how to fetch. I've had him for six years.

For six years I've been trying to teach him how to fetch. It's not going to happen. You'll throw the ball and he'll run after it and run past it. And then he'll come back empty handed. Is he blind? Maybe a little bit blind? No. He's not blind.

He's just lazy. Well, I relate. And just doesn't want to learn anything. He's really stubborn. He's like a pensive teen. I taught him how to lay down. So you go, lay. And he'll stare at you and you go, Charlie, lay.

And then he'll go, ugh you and you go charlie lay and then he'll let go what's in it for me slowly slide a paw down slowly slide the other one out and then later that sounds adorable in a way no no i need you to lay down now for a treat wait i have a question so eager to learn what know about Badoo? Have you heard of that? Erica? No, not Erica. And I think it's spelled differently. Though I did see Chara once at the Aladdin in Las Vegas and Erica Badoo was sitting next to me.

I got a lot of those stories. What a treat. It was the night of her dreams. Anyway, no, my drag queen friends, they're on it and they like hook up with like straight guys on it. That's a whole conversation that I am just now learning about. So I am kind of equipped, but I, it's very interesting.

These stories and the pictures. However, what, what is the difference between like hinge and bubble? I'm not on any of those. Okay. Well, hinge is allegedly, I think it was supposed to be like friends of friends on Facebook,

but I don't have Facebook. So I think it's just like, it's an app where there's pictures, like little opening lines, ice breakery things. Okay. And then you can like someone's photo and then that notifies the other person

and then they can match with you and they can say goodbye. Bumble, just pictures. Maybe there's ice breakers there now. I think they took something from Hinge you can like them and then if you match the woman has to initiate the conversation

and if you are do they have gay version? they do and then I think it's just like a free for all whoever wants you know Tinder and then coffee meets bagel you have to earn beans see that shit I only learned about on this podcast and that's some bullshit

wait what? I hate Coffee Meets Bagel. No, I disapproved. And they keep emailing me being like, you haven't used it in a while. I'm like, yeah, because I'm tired of earning beans. And then there's beans. That's just farts. Woo Plus, Buster,

that's for the fatties. What? Raya for the DJs and Australians. See, I got accepted to that, and I learned it because my friend, I got on that, and they were like, welcome aboard. And I was like, no, I don't know. It feels tacky. Yeah, I don't. I didn't.

I don't like it. Because remember, we used to be quote unquote celebrities. Allegedly. Yeah, but now, like I heard from this podcast, Australian DJs. I'm like, I don't know. I hear Brad Pitt's single, and I'm just going to put it out there. Okay, he's so fucking hot in this movie. If anybody knows Brad, tell them I'm cruising for him.

I just did a movie with Jennifer last year before last, and I said, remember we did Friends together, and she was like, no. L-O-L. When an actor doesn't remember me from something else, I never mention the other thing. Can I just tell you something though? Like,

this is the one where like, Jennifer Aniston is someone who I've always had like a special crush on my heart. I did friends a couple times the first time and this is why I thought she'd fucking remember

and I didn't say it in Atlanta when we were doing Dumplin', but she was so nice to me. And I got there. And I had just done Curb Your Enthusiasm. And she's still with Brad. So I walked.

And I knew Schwimmer for a couple years before. So that wasn't that big of a deal. But it was still very intimidating. That was like, it still is. It's such a big deal. And I auditioned a million times. And I finally got on. And it was one of those things.

They walk you right over to set over at Warner Brothers. And she, Jennifer herself, came up to me and said like, oh pancake it's so nice you're here and i was like even then i was like what she was like oh you just played because i'd done curby enthusiasm and the one that played my wife was lisa kudrow's cousin little known to me tay a man who later became courtney's producing partner for cougar town starring busy phillips and whose house i live hollywood small world anyway she was like oh my god we just saw you playing Cousin Taya's husband on Caribbean Enthusiasm. You were so funny and great. It's so great to have you here.

So warm and welcoming. And all I could think was, did Brad see me? Did Brad see me? Did Brad see me? What did Brad say? And then I did another one, but I didn't really work with her. And then, like, on – it's a long story. But anyway, she was so nice about it.

But I didn't expect her to, like – I've got plenty of friends that are like, have not plenty, but enough friends. Like I've done a million episodes and I don't remember shit. Like you're tired. Even though that's the easiest schedule in the world, as you well know, the multi-camera. Yeah. But she was like, whatever. I wish I liked doing multi-cams. So you don't like it?

I don't like them. You don't like watching? Because I don't want to watch them, but I like doing them. I don't love doing them. Interesting. I think the audience is too easy. Well, that's true. So when you're doing stand-up, you have to work for the laughs.

Oh, yeah. On a multi-cam, you have a warm-up comic, and then in between each scene, he's like, so everybody who's from Pennsylvania, make some noise. And they're like, I love Pennsylvania. And then they're like, all right, we're going to go for another take. And then you're like, honk, honk, honk. And they're like I love Pennsylvania And then you like They're like Alright we're gonna go For another take And then you're like

Honk honk honk And they're like Ah And I And lowest common Anomalous karaoke song Feeling hot hot hot Who's feeling hot hot hot

Yeah It's like a wedding band It's a Yeah bless It feels Too A little too manufactured For me

Absolutely And I've been in one I've been in a lot of them Back in the day Of the hey of the hey day On the Will and graces and the kings of the queens and the friends is and where it was like you and friends like they would get legit legit laughs in the room such as it is but then on tv it's so jacked up and and i i mean of course i want to come back but i did a few will and graces back in the day and then i was which was fine and great and hooray for residuals but now i was watching it and they had that laugh track so

jacked up that i couldn't get through it this like oh it was hard yeah but i this schedule's so easy it's so easy and i like kind of doing a play and also that it's the thing like not to tootie toot my own horn but like i was good at that format and like not everyone is and i still can do it and there ain't as many as there used to be except for disney which i've also done which is a whole other fucking animal yeah i just uh also it's uh yeah acting for multi-cam is different than acting for single cam yeah amda never taught me that no see that because i went to west for university theater school and the one thing that i was like i got this amazing truly, truly, I learned later, like, Chekhov and Shakespeare, theatrical training to be like, if I wanted to be the king of North Carolina Regional Theater and play Richard III and Uncle Vanya, you know, and restoration comedy, but like, nothing for camera.

So I thought when I got here, I took camera classes. So I would have think that something like that would teach you in the thick of Hollywood. Well, I went in New York. But still. And their whole thing was like, you'll never get TV work in New York. It's just like, well, just give me the tools. Yeah, yeah. And I had one teacher tell me that I made too many facial expressions to have a career in television.

Oh, my God. Eat my dick, bitch. Oh, my God. I had a teacher. I remember one review one semester was like, I don't think Sam will ever be a ever be a professional working actor and I that fucking drove me I'll give her that much now she's

dead and I'm still here but also I've given the commencement speech in my high school twice because I'm the only person that's left town but like and I've used that story and it does help you know it's like they it's only made me stronger I don't know if it

drove me to do anything I think I was just like huh well I guess I'll do theater I don't okay well it's

you gotta as we all know and that's the thing I admire about you kids is like you're covering all the bases you're doing the web series the podcast

stand up TV you gotta do everything and that's why I feel like kind of a failure sometimes I'm like I have this these TV behind me and thank you're doing the web series, the podcast, stand up, TV. You know, you gotta do everything. And that's why I feel like kind of a failure sometimes. I'm like, I have this TV behind me. And again, thank God for residuals and unemployment. And I haven't had a day job since 1997.

But like, it's like the hustle never fucking stops. And it never stops. It never stops. Have you ever seen Joan Rivers' documentary? Inspirational. She hustled till she died. Yeah, literally. And it was like really insane to be like, so it never gets better. No.

For most people, it never gets better. And the one thing I say to the young people when they ask is the thing about being older. Like, do you have advice? And I'm like, no, quit. But then if you actually want to be helpful, it's just like I wish I had made friends with the hustle. Because I resented auditioning. This is me friends with the hustle because I resented auditioning. This is me having nothing under my belt.

Resented auditioning. I wanted it handed to me. I know it's my privilege. I know it's my laziness. But like, I did not make friends with the fact of like, enjoy the audition.

Enjoy the meeting with the agents. Get your fat ass up there, pancake, and do some stand up and do a, I remember doing my first one man show in like 2000 and my agent was like, you're going to be 40. This is, wow, God, and do some stand-up. I remember doing my first one-man show in 2000

and my agent was like, you're going to be 40. Wow. God, I'm old. He's like, you're going to be 40 in a few years and no one's going to give a fuck about you. Oh my God. But he was generally super sweet and nice and effective but that scared me and I got a deal out of my first one-man show that

of course the show didn't go but I have to be scared to work because I'm a lazy motherfucker. I mean, I'm not lazy when it comes to my career. No, you are not. I don't think anyone would say. An audition is just a fun show game.

Even though I know. Here's like the saddest thing I learned about auditioning. They're pointless. Most of the time, the offer's already out to somebody. Yes, ma'am. Especially if it's a series regular part or like a coast.

Yeah. And I say to my agents, find out, use your tools. Who is this out? Is it Billy Eichner again? Is it just going to be Billy Eichner? I don't need to go in and shake hands. Yeah. If it's like somebody who has a little bit more clout than me, I'm like, well, I mean,

I'll go in and maybe I'll be their backup if the deal falls through. And that's literally what you're auditioning for. You're auditioning for the offer not to go through. And it's so mind-numbing. I sat for 30 minutes yesterday at an audition where, sure, I arrived early for once in my life. I'll never do it again. Mistake. Never. And the casting director's door was wide open

and was calling out actors by name, saying if they had star power, if they were flat in their reads, whether they should have them come back, how beautiful they were, what ethnicities they were. But don't worry, they don't have an accent. Who's dating who for

30 minutes i listened to this and i was like well the women she's talking about are thin black women i'm not gonna get this part and i don't even know if they were talking about the part i was going in for but i was like just the way they're speaking i and i got in my own i should have left i should have like walked out and like really gone over my lines and like been like zen about this

but I kind of went in and was like what's the what's the what's the point and then we did it and it was just an insane

thing ugh wow I'm sorry it's okay one thing I do know now that I didn't used to do cause I used to cause I somehow

got some jobs back in the day when I was shitty and I don't know why I got them. I'm talking about TV sitcom co-stars, not big deals. But now I memorize everything. Also because I can't see the paper in my hands

because I'm old. Well, honestly, I took a class and I got to watch, when I had a show, rest in peace, when I watched auditions, I was like, oh, if you're reading, you literally look like you don't care. Um, when I watched auditions, I was like, Oh, if you're reading,

you literally look like you don't care. Exactly. And I've been on that side to things too. Yeah. And you're like, yes, you do not give a shit. And if you glance down,

I won't, who cares? That's fine. That's fine. But like be in the moment. Yeah. People ask me for advice all the time. Memorize your fucking lines.

It's five pages. Just do it. Yeah. Or possibly less if you're me. Yeah. And even if it's, yeah. And they don't also, I didn't like, it took me forever for someone you're me yeah and even if it's yeah and they don't also

i didn't like it took me forever for someone to teach me and maybe i heard it and forgot i'm super i'm not even medicated but i'm probably adhd but like if you're looking at the camera and i'm looking directly ahead and you want to put the other person put them like millimeters away like here to here because if you're like talking to this person i.e the. Because if you're, like, talking to this person, i.e. the casting director, and you're dressing another character, and you go over here, you disappear on camera. Yeah. It's a whole thing. Hey, Sam. Yeah, baby.

We're running low on time. Oh, I know. Let me ask you a question. Yes, ma'am. Would you date me? I would date you. If you grow a penis. Okay.

All right. Okay. Fair. Terms and conditions. No, but you know I'm crushed out on you. I've made that clear. I think we would be a cute match. I enjoy someone who's fun, who's funny, who's positive, owns a house.

Ha! It is nice, I will say, but it is work. There's a leak in my kitchen. See, that's the thing where I'm like kind of guest house living. I don't need the responsibility, but I'm still in the house. Yeah. I love it.

I'm still in the house. Okay. If you like this episode of why would you date me? You can subscribe. You can rate it. If you send me something nasty, I will read it. This nice person said,

I want to gargle seltzer water and pretend to be an enema and spit it up your ass and slurp it out and fuck you till you squirt. Then I'll cry a little because pussies make my gay ass upset. I want to get you off. How sweet. Oh, also, I wanted to read this Bumble message. It is wild. This person sent it to me. So she said to him, I moved here from Miami in February.

He says, sweet, a lot of Hispanics down there. She says, guilty as charged, LOL. Then he says, what's happening? How's your Saturday going? She doesn't respond because I, as I would be, probably offended. Yeah. Then he says, go ahead and unmatch me. Ignore somebody else.

Then, the day later, he goes, delete me by five today or I'll delete you. Then he says, probably don't have a green card. I ain't a meal ticket. Oh, my God. Isn't, like like we're living in Trump's America baby oh god it's everything that's wrong with the USA right now but like here's the thing

she's not answering you so you truly are not her meal ticket like what a dumb way of thinking oh oh oh alright well that's it. Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.