Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Someone with Commitment Issues (w/ Fortune Feimster)

Episode Date: September 6, 2019

"You only get to cuddle if there's been penetration."Fortune Feimster (The Mindy Project, Chelsea Lately) shares the cute story how she met her fiancee at Pride, how coming out late in life affected her confidence, and the string of people she's dated with commitment issues. Plus, her and Nicole also discuss their experience working with Steve Harvey, and Nicole shares a bad hookup she had with a bartender.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single Even though I will let you put dip in my pussy and scoop it out with Fritos People hate Fritos

I'm also running out of these little things. But okay, my guest today, you know her. You love her. She's got a special on Netflix, a part of the stand-up series. She's been on Chelsea Lately. She was on The Mindy Project. She's on Bless the Hearts. She was in an episode of Dear White People.

Did I read that? I was, yeah. And remembering things, it's Fortune Fibster. What's up? By the way, I like Fritos. You do? I like Fritos too. But people are always like, Nicole, they are the worst chip.

They are not the worst chip. I think they're a pretty tasty chip. Yeah. I was in Rochester, New York over the weekend, and I was trying to get snacks from the from like the downstairs of the hotel but they only had a bag of pretzels

and I was like, that's the worst thing depressing? and then a man with trash said, there's a vending machine downstairs and I said, oh? and the guy at the front desk goes, I didn't know that and he was like, yeah, you wouldn't, follow me and then I was like, it's 2 a.m.

I'm pretty stoned. Do I follow this man with trash to the basement? The answer was yes. And there was a glorious vending machine. There you go. Filled with Fritos. You always have adventures. Every time I go on Twitter, you're like, here's a new adventure.

Oh, boy. I don't ask for them, but but they happen you're just an open person i'm a very open person my therapist said i have an open face and that's why she thinks things happen to me which is like a weird thing to say but i think i get it an open face i think she means i have a friendly face like a big round friendly face i have kind of that too. I think so. Yeah. You have a nice energy to you. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

While I was in Rochester, I tried to fuck. What do you mean tried? Okay, so I met this bartender and he was like pretty cute. Let's see. Should I say his full name? Okay. Does he have say his full name? Okay. So I was. Does he have a distinct full name?

He goes, what's your name? I said, Nicole, what's yours? He goes, you know, like that Elton John song. I was like, why? Why is that the way you've introduced yourself to me? He's like, Elton John's hot right now. He had a movie come out. He's so hot right now. So then B***h was like really flirting with me so hard.

And I was like, all right. And he was like, what room are you staying in? And like, where's your hotel? So I told him. Oh, you give that information now. Well, because I was like, B***h is really flirting with me. Okay. Because like we were at a bar and he was flirting.

So then I told him and then he like came to my room and we're like making out and it's like hot okay like he's got like abs for days nice like very weird to like touch a person who cares about their body and we're like going at it i'm like sucking that dick and it's not getting hard what no what's happening he was a little he was too drunk so then he was just like he got like a little hard and he was like all right i'm gonna not getting hard. What? No. What's happening? He was too drunk. So then he was just like, he got like a little hard and he was like, all right,

I'm gonna fuck you. And I was like, okay. And I was like, also, you could choke me because I like that. And he goes,

okay. So, but he like wasn't fully hard so he was like mashing his like barely hard dick into me and then choking me. I was like,

so you're just choking me? With none of the pleasure. With none of the pleasure pleasure it just seems like you're trying to kill me i was like please no stop uh and then he was like oh sorry he's like flip over so i flip over and he's like oh boy it's like a wet noodle back here i was like this is insane did it get hard once he no once you flipped over no he, he just went, ah, boy. Well, I was like, I don't think this is going to happen tonight. You're like, he threw up on my back. And then I'm just like brushing it off.

Because I have an open face. I have a very open face. He puked all over me. I said, this is not what I meant when I asked for lube. Oh, man. So then I was like, I don't think this is going to happen tonight. He was like, ah, sorry. And I was like, okay.

So then I started putting my clothes on. And then I was like, okay, bye, bye. And he goes, we're not going to cuddle. And I was like, why? You don't get to cuddle if you hadn't done the full deed. No. You only get to cuddle if there's been penetration. Yes.

Or just like if someone came, you know? Yes. At least one of you has to come. Like, you sucked on my titty so long I came. Then I'll cuddle with you. But I was like, I don't want to be anywhere near you. And then I also had to leave at like 6 a.m. And it was like 4 in the morning.

I was going to ask if you had another night in Rochester. I did not. If I did, then I'd be like, all right, let's try again. And then I was bummed that I didn't meet him like the night before. So we're going to try it again the next day. And then my Lyft driver pulls up and then goes like leans out of her window. She's like, my boyfriend's in the car. Is that okay? And I was like, I guess. Because like it was 4 a.m. in Rochester. So I was like, I don't think I'm going to get another Lyft. So then I get in and the way he was speaking to her, I was like, I don't

think this is her boyfriend. I think this is her pimp. No. I get in, and the way he was speaking to her, I was like, I don't think this is her boyfriend. I think this is her pimp. No. I think this is their side hustle. Like, along with like sex work. She's like, no one wants to fuck at 4 a.m., so I'll drop Uber.

So he's like, you will make money. Drive this Lyft. It was really bonkers. Like, the whole, and I was like, still pretty drunk.

So I was like, this is too much. That could open up a whole other portal to the prostitute industry. It could. If they were like, well, it's pretty dead between this hour and this hour. So I drive an Uber. So I drive an Uber and then get right back on. Yeah.

I never leave the streets, technically. I'm either patrolling them on foot, looking for somebody, or I'm in my car, taking them to destinations. I had no idea Rochester was so full of... Characters? Yeah. I think I just attract the most insane. It's that open face of yours.

It's my open face. Now, did you and B**** change numbers? We did. Or did you just kind of leave it as is? No, no. We exchanged numbers. I'll tell you. Because I wanted his last name.

Because I was like, was he as attractive as I thought he was? Oh, because you wanted to look him up on social media? Yes. So then I said, if I'm ever in Rochester again, I'm going to try and fuck you again. And then he almost instantaneously said, I apologize for my performance. I was hammered. And I was like, yeah, it's OK. What's your last name?

Because it's okay. I don't need your last name and your address and your social security number. I'm taking you to small claims court because you stole an orgasm that I could have had. So he told me his last name. I just wanted to look him up on Instagram. And he's very attractive. And he's also got like a bunch of like really sincere captions. And I was like, I think you're just like a really sweet, nice man who was just too drunk.

Just too drunk. Oh, well, I guess you're going to have to get back to Rochester. I got to get back there. And then I'm going to be in Montreal. Are you going to Montreal? I am, yeah. So I'm going to be there too. And I was like, ooh, Rochester's near Canada.

So I was looking up how long of a drive. It's a five hour drive. Oh, God. I don't think I'm going to make that. No, Rochester's near Canada. So I was looking up how long of a drive. It's a five-hour drive. Oh, God. I was like, how the f*** is it going to make that? No, that's not worth it. No. You can maybe meet in the middle at a Holiday Inn Express. I love how specific that was.

A Holiday Inn Express. I'm just saying, he lives in Rochester. He's probably familiar with a Holiday Inn Express. Probably. But not as much as Ritz-Carlton. No, have you ever stayed at a Ritz-Carlton? I have. Oh, you're so lucky.

I'm fancy. I've never stayed at one. The most, like, fancy hotel. Oh, wait, maybe I have. I bet you have. Is there one in Chicago? I stayed at this, like, wildly fancy hotel in Chicago when I did the Steve Harvey show Steve Harvey treats you great it was like a sweet I did the Steve Harvey show and they had me fly in

and out day of damn it Steve oh I feel like I that's so funny I got the raw in the deal they were like you're gonna fly in and literally get right back on a plane. Yeah, right? That's wild. That's so rude. They did buy me a pizza. They bought me a pizza too. But also, I got to stay at like the Ritz Carlton. I stayed at this like beautiful hotel. I wish I had known that that was even an option.

What I like to say, if anyone ever suggests I fly in and out, I go oh, I can't do that. Yeah reason you're smarter than I am I'm like sure sure thing I'll fly to Chicago and back damn got it got it thank you so much what was the topic you were on for Steve Harvey they had me come on to do a comedians you should know they were doing like a thing for the month like once a week and so i went and did a little few minutes of stand-up and then talked with steve

and i think he thought like he seemed to really love my stand-up but then once he started talking to me i think he was like i don't like her as much as when I heard her stand up. I don't like any of her actual thoughts. Only like polished bits. Every story I tried to tell, he was just like, hmm. That's the best. When the host of the show is like, you're like, oh, you hate me. And I can't win.

He loves me so much after my stand up. He's like, oh, we gotta work together sometime. I'm like, great, Steve. I love you. And then after our segment, he's like, okay, bye. Alright, get the fuck out of here. I did a late night show. It wasn't

Conan because I love Conan. And it wasn't Seth Meyers because Seth is great. Yes. So it was another one. Okay, one of Okay. Okay. One of the other ones. You can do deductive reasoning. There's only like two other ones. Yes.

Okay. But I did it and I was like, two minutes into the interview, I was like, this man hates me. Really? Yes. And I was like, oh, there's no way for me to like dig myself out of this. I don't. He hates me.

He hates me. And I, there's nothing like being hated in the moment, you know? It's hard to. On television. It really is hard to know how to navigate that. Yes. Because then you, like, try harder. Uh-huh.

And push, and they're just, like, not having it. And they're just like, no, I'm not going to help you out. When you watched it back, did it come across? I didn't watch it back because it really felt so awful. And I was like, I hate that this is out for the world to see. I was like, I wish I could ask them to take this down. I wonder why he, whoever this person is, hated you. I don't know.

But I mean, I'm not for everyone. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I get it. You're my cup of tea. Hey, Fortune, you're mine. Fortune, you told me this, not me personally, but we did a cluster fest. Yeah.

And you told this story. Do you tell it on stage? I've never told it anywhere before. It is the funniest. It made me laugh so hard. And I told several people this story because it really made me tee hee hee. Well, your show was all about, they said that we had to tell a story about some drinking story. And I don't have a ton of like

stories where i've gotten hammered just because i'm a little too responsible sometimes and i did this show in des moines and i got iced which is when they they um make you get on your knees and chug a Smirnoff ice. And I was like, I lost complete control of the whole crowd. They're all chanting, ice, ice, ice, ice. And I'm all like, guys, I'm not in a sorority. I'm not doing this. And I don't know how, but somehow this crowd of 400 people. 400 people? Yeah, they somehow this crowd of 400 people. 400 people?

Yeah. Damn. They made me get on my knees. But they had been sending me drinks the entire show. Like, they didn't even care about my stand-up. They didn't want to hear comedy. It's really bizarre. They're like, we paid 20-something dollars just to send you alcohol on stage.

And then they had some lesbians like, here's a smearin' off ice. You're gonna get iced. And I got so hammered. I think I might have gotten roofied. Yes, that was like the sad part of the story. But nothing happened to you, so we can still giggle.

Nothing happened. And I woke up and had been somehow gotten to the car of whoever booked the show. And I was intact. I just really love that 400 people were chanting. I'm sure there's a YouTube video out there somewhere of me in a probably a sweater vest. I went through a phase of sweater vests. Isn't it wild to look back at your fashion choices? I used to wear formal vests with jeans.

That was my thing. Thank you. I've made really bad choices. What's one of the worst? Well, I went through a phase where I wore shirts that were really too tight. And they were a little too short. And I have a big belly. So the bottom part of my belly used to kind of poke out and just say hi to people.

I don't know if that's a bad choice. I like it because now I wear crop tops on purpose. And sometimes people go, oh, your stomach's out. And I'm like, yeah, it's a choice. It is on purpose. Yes, I'm wearing stretchy jeans. It's a half shirt. Get out of here.

I couldn't afford the full shirt. Yeah, I clearly wasn't meaning to do that. So, okay, fortune. We haven't talked about this, but you are in a relationship. I sure am. I'm engaged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! To my partner, Jax.

Who I earlier called Jazz, and I will never forget it. But all I want to do is call her Jazz now. Because I think a couple named Fortune and Jazz should run Hollywood. Fortune and Jazz, I can see the couple. They wear a lot of gauzy things. Yeah.

Fortune and Jazz will take a meeting with you now. So wait, Fortune, how did you, well, Jazz is sitting, not Jazz. Oh my God. Jazz is sitting right next to me. Jazz is here. We met at Chicago Pride um as you do yes i had some friends that lived in chicago and i thought i'll stop into pride see what's going on and how many years ago is this four okay and this uh girl comes up to me with her friend and says,

my friend really wants a picture with you. And the girl asking who's saying her friend needs a picture was Jazz, a.k.a. Jax. And I was like, oh, this girl's pretty cute. Okay. So I take a picture with them, and then they go away. And I was like, man man that girl was so cute and uh like 15 minutes later she comes back and she was like our picture didn't turn out can we

take another one and I'm all in my head like sure it did and I'm not when it comes to women I did not have a lot of confidence and so I was never the type who was like oh she's into me if anything i was always the person who was like oh are they looking at the person why i don't know i just you're adorable i'm so funny i think because i came out later in life i didn't come out till i was like 25 oh okay so i didn't get to do that You know like In high school you get to In college you get to make a lot of mistakes You get to get rid of that awkwardness And sort of figure it out at a younger age

So I was always figuring it out You know late 20s and stuff And so I think it just sort of affected my confidence In that way But for some reason I was like thinking she was into me which gave me sort of a false sense of confidence so we took the picture and i left my arm around her kind of lingering because i'm like she's into me and we just kind of chatted. And she's now later told me that the picture really was awful.

And she really did just come back to get a new picture of her friend. Yeah, it was awful. My friend, I didn't realize it for 15 minutes because I was standing there talking to my friend. And she said, send me that photo. I want to post it on Facebook. And I'm like, oh like oh dear I can't you can't post that one let's go back over but I also had been drinking quite a bit so yeah so we started running into each other all night and exchanged numbers and then she I didn't know this

but she had been like dating a couple of different people at this time. And they were all like kind of trying to vie for her attention. And so every time I would try to talk to her, there was like a little Indian woman with her arm around her. And I couldn't. You couldn't get in there. You're like dang I called her Napoleon cause she was

very short and angry and she kept like you know the bar like how it has a step sometimes she would get up on the step step on the stool to be able to put her arm around Jack because I'm pretty tall to claim her territory and so I don't know what,

I got kind of bold in a way that I've never been before. Where I said I'm, because I knew if I stayed in that bar I would not get to talk to her or hang out with her. I was like, I'm calling an Uber. It's going to be here in five minutes. You're either coming or you're not.

Oh boy! And five minutes passes. Because she didn't say whether or not she was going to come, boy. And five minutes passes because she didn't say whether or not she was going to come with me. Uh-huh. And normally,

I don't like that. I'd be like, oh, who do you think you are? I'm going to come when I want to come. Mm-hmm. But yeah, about the five-minute mark,

I panic. I go to the oomphers here and she comes running out with me. But my favorite part is we had two... No, no, no. No, no, no.

I love to tell this part. So I had two friends... Now this is where she makes up this story. I am not making this up. I had two friends with me. One was in the front. They were together.

One was in the front seat and the other one was... Jax was sitting in the middle of us and the other one was on the other side. So halfway through the uber ride jack starts rubbing my leg and i'm like oh she is into me yes and we get out of the uber at another bar and the my friend's girlfriend was like she was like rubbing my leg the whole time

barely she had been rubbing both of our legs like kind of like, well, let me play my odds and see which one of these take. I mean, it was Friday weekend. She was rubbing both of our legs. Oh, boy, that is so funny. Never let me sit in the middle. She was rubbing my leg too. And I was all like, what, bitch?

No, but it clearly didn't stop us. So we hung out basically that whole weekend. And have, I mean, then she went out of the country for like a month almost. And we texted like every day. And then she came to visit me in LA. And we both were kind of like i remember like the night before she was coming i was like oh my god i don't really know her and on the way he or she was like oh my god i don't really know her so when we saw each other at the airport we

were both kind of like hi stranger yeah i guess it is kind of crazy to me for like a weekend be apart for a month and then be like i guess i see you again yeah it was kind of trippy but then she was here for like five days and we did realize we do like each other and then we kind of started a long distance relationship from there so we were long distance for a year and then she moved here three years ago oh she and i really you know it's it's really a testament to her she's uh a kindergarten teacher in chicago and she really really loves her loved her job there and um was really making a difference and she had to give up a lot to come here for me because you know this i kind of have to be here yeah so i she made a lot of sacrifices and i really appreciate her

for doing that that's like so genuine and so sweet but i dated so many stinkers before her and it was so not i mean i i just couldn't believe that someone you know was so like everyone i dated here so selfish you know and this person was making such a huge thing for me a sacrifice for me it was it was special that's so cute and honestly you guys are really cute together i've been creeping on the Instagram Y'all went on vacation and it looked like fun We had a real nice time Where were you? We were in Italy

You look like you had a blast We like to travel a lot We travel a lot for my work Jax has been subbing this year So she's been touring with me And then somehow we managed to take trips on in between which is we basically live at the airport i live at the airport and if i fly at a certain time the tsa people be like my friend yeah i'm like hello what's going on i have flight attendants who're

like oh it's you again and i'm like uh-huh give me that jack Daniel uh-huh, give me that Jack Daniels. Uh-huh, give me my airplane boots. I'm going to have the Powerbites box. Is that a JetBlue? That's an American airline. Oh, American airline. Yeah. I only fly Delta. See, I feel like that's smart, because American's been going downhill.

American is terrible. Is that the airline where you found the poop? Poop. Yeah. But guess what? I'm out. There's TVs on almost every flight. American is terrible. Is that the airline where you found the poop? I know. But guess what? I'm out. There's TVs on almost every flight. And I just don't open the blanket anymore.

And then I watch this video with Naomi Campbell where she wipes down every inch of the plane. That's what she does. That's what I do. Yeah. And then also Naomi Campbell gets one of those airplane blankets and drapes it over the seat. So she sanitizes it and then puts the blanket on top. And I was like, oh, I think I'm going to start doing that too. You've been doing that? Well, I think I'm going to start.

Oh, but then you've got to open the blanket. No, no, no. She buys a blanket from like a Hudson News. Right. Okay. And then drapes it over. And I was like, I think that would make me feel even better. Our friend invented something. What's it called? Airplane

seat covers? He invented airplane seat covers. Oh, cool. And it's like a condom for your seat. I love that because people don't understand planes never get cleaned. I know. When they're like, we're delaying the boarding process, we're cleaning the plane, it just means they're picking up trash. Yeah.

It doesn't mean they're even opening the seat back pockets. Oh, yeah. Because I have found the grossest things in seat back pockets. Flight attendants are always like, don't put your stuff there. And I'm like, really? They're like, yeah, don't do that. Don't. It's disgusting.

She won't ever put anything in the flap in front of your seat, you know? Nope. Nope. Those are the worst. People put like dirty diapers. People are fucking on their worst behavior, and they're disgusting on planes. I think people are on their worst behavior everywhere nowadays.

I think it's comedy shows and airports are the top two places people do not act well. And those are the places we have to be. The top two places I'm in every week. I spend the most time in airports and then in shows going, please stop yelling at me. I know. Do people yell things at you? Not when I'm on stage, but in life they yell things at me a lot.

Like usually whatever show they've seen me on, they'll be like, a Mindy project. And I'm like, yep, I was on that. It's funny though. Or character names. I was there. Why are you yelling my resume at me? I only did seven episodes of this show, Life in Pieces on CBS. But people who are like 50 and older loved that show.

And in Italy, Dougie. Really? Not Italians, like Americans that were over there. Oh, okay. I was like, wow, didn't know Life in Pieces was hot in Italy. Dougie! Really? Not Italians, like Americans that were over there. Oh, okay. I was like, wow, didn't know Life in Pieces was hot in Italy. No, it was a lot of retired Americans

over there being like, hey, Dougie, what's going on? And they'd yell that at me a lot. That's so wild. I love it. Ooh, Fortune, wait. We gotta take a break. Okay. Oh, boy, Fortune, we're back.

And we're back. We're back from the break. You said you dated a lot of stinkers before Jax. So who is the stinkiest oh gosh i don't even know where i would start i dated a lot of women who didn't want to commit ah so it was a lot of like i i want to date you but also i have a boyfriend and i'm like huh or like or they or they would say i don't want to get into a serious thing right now. And then I would find out they were dating, like, ten other people.

And it wasn't like we were committed. But I didn't know there was, like, you know, ten other fucking people. And just a lot of, like, just nobody wanted to be up front and truthful you know because it's one thing to be like i don't want to be serious um and it's another thing to be like i don't want to be serious just you know i'm dating a bunch of people like yeah i'd rather know right that wouldn't hurt my feelings if i went on a date with someone they were like listen this was really great i'd like to see you again but just fyi i am dating like a couple other people. Yeah, but they would never say that. They would make it sound like, I'm just not in a place to be serious right now because I'm focused on work or whatever.

Not like, hey, I'm fucking five people. I'm fucking everybody you don't know. So there was a lot of that. And it doesn't make you feel good, you know, cause you just, it feels, and a lot of them would want to be friends. I'm like, I,

you don't, you're not even truthful to me in this regard. How am I going to be good friends with you? You know what I mean? And so there was a lot of that and just, I don't know. You never know if people are dating you for the right reasons. Yes. Um, so it was hard to, I, I didn't have a never know if people are dating you for the right reasons yes um so it was hard

to I I didn't have a lot of serious relationships it was a lot of casual dating and like people that just a lot of people wanted to be my like best friend but they didn't want to like be be in a relationship yeah exactly that is so interesting, and it sucks that you have to kind of sift through people and be like, what do you actually want from me? Yeah. Because that's all people really want things from you. I know I want from a person to be sexually satisfied,

to have someone who enjoys being around me and tells me they like me. Yeah. That's what I want from somebody. That's how I want to ask for. And I'm like, you have to let me know what me they like me. That's what I want from somebody. And I'm like, you have to let me know what you want from me. If it's truly just like you want to sit at a table and stare at me and pick my brain about comedy, say that. And then I can say no.

Right. I don't want to do that. Do you have any career advice? Lately I've been getting DMs from gentlemen going, can I take you on a date? And I go, okay, a romantic date? And they go, no, I'm gay. advice lately i've been getting dms from gentlemen going can i take you on a date and i go okay a romantic date and they go no i'm gay uh i just want to like take you out and i'm like then do not say date and i know we were just talking about that on the way here because uh i was saying to

her that when i was newly out i went on a few uh what i thought were dates that turned out not to be dates and one of them was i asked a girl to go to a like a movie in the park with some friends of mine and she showed up with a date and i was like oh this is my date and i was like, oh, this is my date. And I was like, okay, here's a blanket for you two. I became like their romance coordinator. Here is a blanket for you two. Do you guys want champagne? Oh, boy. That's awful.

And I had never thought about that until we were in the car. And then another time I asked a girl for a drink. I didn't know the lingo. I didn't know that you had to say, do you want to go on a date? I think I just said, do you want to get a drink? She spent the whole time talking about all the girls she had crushes on. And I was like, being gay is hard. That's terrible.

What did you end up doing? you're like I have crushes too I was like I'm in it too there's so many girls I want to get with I just like was so awkward for so long with it did you were you on TV before or after you came out

I came out at 25 and my first TV gig was at 29. So I had a few years of being a real loser. Stop! And then once I got on TV, it certainly helped. I had a lot more interest. But then again, like I said, I didn't know if people were like, there was a lot of girls that wanted to meet Chelsea Handler.

Oh, no. Because she was the girl that everyone wanted to party with yes and so every every girl known to man because i started working for her at like the height of the show every girl in the world was like i want to i'm like chelsea i want to party with chelsea and like now chelsea's like doing her politics and stuff i just watched a video of chelsea and it was so wild. I was like, this woman is so high. She was cracking eggs over a hamburger

and I was like, I don't know. This is pretty funny. She's really into weed now. She's gone from alcohol to weed. Well, it's less of a hangover. I get it. Yeah, so back then I was like, do they like me or do they just want to come

watch Chelsea Lately? I don't know. There was definitely that for sure. That sucks. So yeah, I don't know if it was better or worse pre-TV or post-TV. It was just kind of all one big mess. That makes sense. May I ask, have you dated gentlemen?

I didn't date like And it was never in a relationship I went to prom Yes And I went on dates But I didn't really have a boyfriend I'm a gold star Which means

It's a lesbian that's never had sex with a man But you've touched a man I have I have given one hand I talk about it in my In that stand up But you've touched a man. I have given one handjob. I talk about it in that stand-up special. Yes. It was in high school.

And we were neighbors. He was my age. He wasn't like a creepy old guy that was like, touch my wiener. And he just kind of was like, whipped it and i didn't know what to i just i started poking at it i really didn't know what to do and that's very funny i grabbed it i say i grabbed it like a hot clarinet just because i didn't want to touch it very long you know and uh so it was not a very romantic experience. Oh, boy. I love that so much. I've, like, had relationships with men. I haven't had, like, sleep with ladies.

I'll sleep with any old person. Yeah. You sleep with who? Any old person. Oh, yeah? Men and women? Yeah. Oh, good for you.

Non-binary, whatever, doesn't matter. But I've never had, like, a relationship with women. Yeah. Because I feel like women, I truly don't know what they want from me. I could see that. And I feel like men are like not up front, but then women are even less up front. Really? That's what I think.

Oh, interesting. I feel like they're more withholding. I don't know. You met, I wonder, maybe I've just not met. You met the wrong lesbians. Or are you sleeping with straight women? No. Ish.

Straight-ish women. One was bi. Okay. Two were bi. Three were bi. And then two, one was a, two were lesbians. Okay. Now I've only, yeah, been with like five women.

Sexually, what do you prefer? Do you have a preference? Like in the sack? I don't because I feel like once you're in bed, bodies are fun. Yeah. And like you get to explore bodies. And I think it's just exciting. Yeah.

So I don't have a preference. I mean, I've not had a boyfriend, so I don't know how to compare it. I have two older brothers that's a weird transition how old are they? they would be 42 and 46

I love how you looked at Jackson she's like I don't know how old your brothers are but you very politely were like you just like nodded but my point is i know like i i feel like i understand men pretty well having grown up with them are they single they are not they're married i was gonna say let me in your family come on for thanksgiving

and uh but i know with women it's a little it's a little more like chat like they want to talk about a lot of stuff but not you you're not really a talker jacks is like i don't want to share feelings and she's like no lesbian i've ever met every other lesbian wants to talk everything to death and she's like if you talk about this one more time i'll kill you and i'm like oh i guess we won't talk about this one more time, I'll kill you. And I'm like, oh, I guess we won't talk about that then. They probably have a little bit more male energy. Yeah. I'm a dainty lady, I guess. I love that so much.

I don't know why women would be not as forthcoming with you. I don't know. Dating has just been very, very hard. Are you wanting a serious relationship? I think right now I do want a serious relationship. But I also go in and out of like, I just want to fuck. I just want to have sex. I keep having very bad experiences trying to fuck where i get someone in the room with me and then

it just doesn't happen it's not working and the wiener's not working the time before that i was in tacoma and i tried to sleep with a man who was very gay oh it was truly trying to like signal that he was gay and i was like nope i don't want to look at these red flags you're like blowing you're like blowing him and he's like, here's my Grindr profile. Truly, yes. Well, he tried to go down on me and was like, I can't do this. And then I looked at his Instagram and his first picture was him at Pride. And then my new friend, he couldn't get hard.

So I just, I think I need to take a break from trying to have sex. And just let it be. Let it happen. I think that's the trick to a lot of things. If the, like when you're not seeking it out, I think it tends to come. But here's what happened. I was not seeking it out in Rochester.

I was like, so last night I'm gonna have a glass of wine, whatever. But then the wine kept flowing and then we met this like semi pro basketball player. And he was fun. And then the bartender was hitting on me so hard. And I was like, oh, it's coming to me. And then the Lord said, no, it's not.

Where did the basketball player go? Well, he was hitting on my friend Christy. OK. And then Christy has a boyfriend. So she kept being like, I have a boyfriend. And he was like, but he ain't here. And then I was like oh boy sir you gotta she said no

but I'm available you gotta bounce dribble away okay you gotta go but because you like sex so much I do do you want to be monogamous with someone I do okay I think I really am excited about like being like I think I really am excited

about like being like, I guess I'll have sex with you again. Ooh, how can I make it exciting? Okay. So it's like a challenge. It'd be a challenge for you. And like I'm dying to fight with someone at Ikea. Like I'm really, I really like the weird parts.

You've never fought in an Ikea? No. Because you got money. That's true. You go somewhere else, you fight in restoration hardware. I'm having furniture delivered to my house. Yeah, you're just arguing at the front door. Put the couch there. I don't know.

All that stuff excites me. Yeah. To be like, oh, he's so annoying. Or she's so annoying. You're like, oh, she always does this thing. Yeah. I think it really excites me to like deal with someone's bullshit. Would you seriously date a woman?

Yeah. Okay. I would. Well, that opens up the, that opens up the, I don't know, options.

I think so. I refuse to close a door to, to love. Yeah. Like anybody who's like, um, I could never be gay. I'm like,

yeah, but like, what if you fall in love with a person who isn't the gender that you thought you were into? Would you just truly close that person off? Yeah. Like that's insane to me. Now I'm curious.

Do you find that people are intimidated by your being successful? You know, just like, do they, do you find, cause I've had several friends lately. Uh, well, they're being successful. You know, just like, do they, do you find, because I've had several friends lately. Well, they're straight women. I know you don't identify.

You're saying. I identify as slutty. There you go. I don't, yeah. I'm like, pansexual is a weird, it just, it's a strange term. Yeah. I don't know any of the terms for anything. Okay, so there's pansexual.

Okay. Bisexual. Demisexual. What's demisexual? That means you have to have a uh uh oh shit what is it you have to have like a connection with someone before you sleep with them okay which i was like so thoughtful people get a term i know i thought they were just kind, thoughtful people. We're like, we need a term too. That's my understanding. Demisexual to me does not. I like thoughtful better than demisexual.

Yeah, I don't really like all of the things. There's a lot of terms. I'm an old lady. I don't know a lot of them. But my friends that are straight, they've had a hard time meeting men lately because the men are intimidated by their

success or making money. Whitney Cummings has a joke where she was like, you know what's a turn off for a man? Owning a home. Which is bonkers. I would be like, that's awesome. I'm not paying rent. I will not

tell people that I have a house when I go on dates with them. I mean, they listen to my podcast, they know. But straight men, I don't think listen to this podcast. I don't think that's my demographic. Like, at my shows, my opener, Chrissy, kept being like, where are the straight single men? And it would be, like, one man, he's like, hello. Hello, my name's Carl. I'm a big fan. Truly, love nicole women and gay men and then men who are in relationships with women who like me yeah

that's my audience i have a pretty big female audience and uh they those the straight ones are always there with their boyfriends their boyfriends and the boyfriends always have their arms crossed. Like, ugh, she fucking dragged me here. Yeah. I get them to uncross their arms. I see a lot of older gentlemen who have been dragged to my shows who will nod. They won't laugh, but they're just like, mm-hmm. They're in agreement.

They're like, okay. Okay. No, sure. I want to see your live show. I bet's so fun i think it's fun uh my last show in rochester they behaved for 35 minutes and then a man goes nailed it ah the bane of your existence well i do a two-minute joke up top about how i don't like it because a car this guy was like speeding towards me and I thought he was going to hit me and he stopped literally like like a foot away from me and leaned out

of the car and went almost nailed it and I was like oh my god that's not okay and then later I was like was he doing a bit did he try to kill me as a bit or did he like actually almost hit me and then realize who I was I was like either way I really hated it.

It was really awful. Who wants to almost get hit so he can yell a catchphrase? And I thought that was like enough of a story to be, and then I make them say it like seven times. So they can get out of their system. Yes. And then by the seventh time, it's like truly like one woman who's like, nailed it?

And I'm like, yes, yes, we're all sick of it. So then 35 minutes, this man was like nailed it and i was like who said it who and then silence and i was like listen guys i just have i just have a query like why why would you say it after i asked you not to i'm not gonna be mean yeah i truly just like let's have a therapy session like i want to get sure why why we're doing it because i can't figure it out and then this guy was like it was me and I was like come up here so I had him come on stage

and then I was like so why did you do it and then he was like because I auditioned for Nailed It and I was like oh I don't care and then he was like

oh sorry and then we like talked for like 30 more seconds and then he goes actually it wasn't me I lied and I was like

oh my god you were terrible too so people were just wanting attention is that what it lied. And I was like, oh, you're terrible too. So people were just wanting attention? Is that what it is? So then I was just like, you have to leave. What is your name?

Then he didn't want to tell me his name. And I was like, you have to tell me your full, like, just you have to tell me. And then his friend was like, Matt. And I was like,

okay, Matt in the overalls. I hate you forever. I'll write this down on my phone. So then I took like two minutes out of the show to be like, okay, Matt with the overalls.

Just like texting it to myself. Oh my God. So I i was like i have to remember him uh so then after that i was like okay so you people just like want to talk to me yeah what do you want to talk about and then one man in the dark corner was like porn i was like you want to just talk about porn you didn't have to leave your house to talk about porn did y'all talk about it no oh you're like i don't want to talk about it what are you gonna talk about like we all like to come and then this other man was like joe rogan podcast and i was like do you think i'm joe rogan what is happening oh a crazy audience yes and it went on for so that was like at 35 minutes I just talked to them like this for 45 minutes. Just like crowd work of like, what do you want from me?

They would just yell things at me. Is that the norm right now? Yeah. Oh, it is? Yeah. In Appleton, Wisconsin, a place that I hate. If we could like vote to get rid of cities, that would be the number one city I would get rid of. Don't go.

Just because of the club or you hated the whole experience? Everyone, okay. I would say 70% of the people who came to my shows had been locked in a basement. And the first time they left that basement, they were like, we got to see comedy. And they're like, let's go see Nicole Byer. Like it was as if no one had ever left their homes before.

Oh my God. it was truly insane like i finished my please don't say nailed it at me joke and immediately this fat man was like nailed it i was like what and i had to stop myself from looking at that man and going you fat motherfucker get out of my show yeah and i was like why did you want to call him a fat mother you're fat too why are you trying to hurt this man's feelings with his weight and i was like oh because it makes me insane yeah oh boy man yeah my shows have been pretty rowdy but um instead of getting mad lately i've just been like i don't know we'll just talk talking about it we'll just we could just talk if that's what you want to do. We can, you know.

Well, I guess that means that's how successful your show is. I mean, on the plus side. I guess so. Yell the name of your show because it's so popular. Yeah, it does feel good in a way. But then also in a way, I'm like, I worked so hard on this material. I know. You're like, just let me do my set.

Let me do it, please. Now, do you hook up a lot on the road? Nope, sure don't. It's hard. Not even in Appleton. Nope, not in Appleton. Not with that guy that yelled Neldon. Well, Appleton, Wisconsin also is historically a sundown town,

which sundown towns in the north were created so black people could be in the town during the day, but at sundown towns in the north were created uh so like black people could like be in the town during the day but at sundown they had to leave and not just black people like people of color okay any diversity any diverse things in the town any pop they had to leave at night they had to leave at night leave with the darkness so at night you didn't feel welcome no like it just felt like the tinge was left of his story uh yeah i fucking hated appleton wow uh during my show i don't know if i said this on the podcast but during my show my opener was a black dude and he's on stage and this guy in the crowd goes smile we can't see you no yeah and he handled it way better than i would have handled it Because he like kept going

Oh I would have been like Pay me less goodbye That's so crazy It was so fucking rude And he was like shook Of course I just I'm sorry I think I ran the light and I was like don't worry about it

Like truly the fact that you did more time Is insane to me They were so poorly behaved Just the fact that someone's just yelling that like yeah funny yeah you're like it's crazy i gotta leave so before you met jacks uh did you fuck people on the road did you have chuckle fuckers i didn't really know i'm i'm so boring i'm like a weird rule follower that's like i'm responsible i would there were opportunities for sure where you know people were lingering around and and people would be like let's go drink or have shots and i'd be like i gotta go watch netflix in my hotel room because I have an order of chicken wings.

Like I was legit like more excited that I had a to-go box of a hamburger that I didn't want to get cold. So I like, I had like a couple here and there, but it wasn't, I did not capitalize on that part of my life. Sometimes it's hard. Well, a lot of times it's like, you do two shows in a night, so you're like talking for two hours. It tuckers me out. Well, and I do a meet and greet after every show too.

After everyone? Everyone. And they last about 45 minutes to an hour. Wow. So I'm almost doing two shows per show. Fortune, you are so kind. I know. It's because I'm trying.

Do you meet the whole crowd? I meet anyone that will stay. Fortune. I know. But it's just where I'm at in my career where I just, you know, I'm trying to keep building that fan base. No, you, I get it. I just. I think once I, once I start doing, excuse me, once I start doing more theaters, I probably

won't do that. Just because things shift a little bit, you know? Yes. But while I'm in the comedy clubs, I figure why not? You know, like it's a more intimate crowd. It's not, it's, you know, you're meeting 300 people versus 900 or whatever it ends up being. 6,000, Fortune. That's what Radio City Music Hall holds.

And I believe you'll play there on July 18th of 2020. All right, I'll take it. Wow, that's a lot sooner than I anticipated. Yeah, baby I'll take it. Wow. That's honestly a lot sooner. That's a lot sooner than I anticipated. Yeah. Baby, it's coming. Yeah. So I don't know. I just right now I'm at a stage where I'm just like I'm like

they paid for this ticket. They're coming to see me. I want to make it a little extra special. So if me sticking around for 45 minutes after a show makes them feel better, I'm going to do it. That's so nice.

But once I am rich and famous, fuck you. No, I'm just kidding. Everyone's so nice. I'm very lucky that I have a very nice fan base. They just are... Every club I go to,

people are like, this is a nice crowd we've had ever and it makes me feel good like i feel like whatever i'm putting out it's yeah i'm lucky to be getting something really cool back in return so the meet and greets are fun for me i'm meeting people that are really lovely and and really like seem appreciative of my comedy or just I guess I try to put out positivity and it's nice to see that it makes some sort of difference I'll do a meet and greet I sell VIP tickets so just like to cap the meet and greet yeah that's smart because I when I do long meet and greets it's I find it really exhausting. Really?

Because people like to tell me stories. Oh, 100%. And I like to hear people's stories. Yeah. But when I have to regroup and do a show in like 45 minutes, it kind of takes me out of it, and then I feel like I've taken a lot of their energy,

and it kind of fucks with mine. That's the only reason why I don't do them. I get it. I get it, because there are a lot of their energy and it kind of fucks with mine. That's the only reason why I don't do them. I get it. I get it because there are a lot of people that they feel like because of social media and Chelsea was a show where everyone kind of felt like they knew you. So there's a lot of people that come through being like, hey,

oh, we got to catch up on how life is going. And you're just like, listen, I love you. I appreciate you. gotta we gotta keep it moving the only place i regret not doing a meet and greet was tacoma washington yeah have you ever done uh the tacoma comedy club i fucking love that it's a great place they're a great club the audience was like magnificent they were the kindest crowd i've been in front of um and then denver comedy works i should have done a meet that's a really good one they were really great They were the kindest crowd I've been in front of. And then Denver Comedy Works.

I should have done a meet and greet with them. That's a really good one. We were just there. They were really great. So when you do your VIP meet and greet at like a comedy club, how does that work? They just like people, it's after the show? It's after the show and they have like a post-it on their ticket that says like meet and greet or whatever. And the rest of the people have to leave?

So everyone has to leave and then the other people can stay. And then do you go out like right away? No, I wait like 10 minutes and then or whatever. And the rest of the people have to leave. So everyone has to leave and then the other people can stay. And then do you go out like right away? No, I wait like 10 minutes and then go out. But you're like a business woman. I'm so bad at that stuff. Well, I think what I'm

going to start doing if I don't have a meet and greet and it's like a good show, I think I'll say, or maybe I'll just like tell the host, like I might do a meet and greet. I will tell you after the show

if I'm willing to meet these people. Right, right. And if it's a good show, I'll be like, I'll meet them. and greet. I will tell you after the show if I'm willing to meet these people. Right, right. And if it's a good show, I'll be like, I'll meet them. You can say it. It is exhausting, though, because you've just done an hour of material. I don't think people realize how exhausting that is. You're exerting so much energy.

Because what you're doing is you're just giving yourself. I'm giving myself to you guys for this this time and then once you do a meet and greet you are now giving yourself again for another hour so by the end of the night you've spent the last four hours just like saying here take everything i have you feel a little depleted it's a weird feeling i mean it's worth it it It's an awesome job. But I know I get to the hotel and I just have to kind of lay there or I'll go through my phone just kind of mindlessly scrolling because I don't want to think

about anything. Yeah, you kind of have to just have a blank slate. I don't watch a lot of TV when I'm on the road either. It's like a lot of just laying. Just laying. Staring in his face. Just like me like, Julie, what are you doing? I'm like, just laying here. Just not thinking.

You just want to shut it all off. Yeah. And then you build yourself back up. Uh-huh. And the next day you do it again. I mean, it's the coolest job in the world, but it definitely takes it out of you. Mm-hmm. Because you're truly giving yourself to people.

Mm-hmm. Because I'm like, these are my jokes. They're what I think is funny. I hope you find this funny. And I feel like dating is kind of the same way. There was like a chunk of time last year where I was just dating a lot. And it was kind of exhausting because I would go on these dates and try to be very authentically me. To be like, this is what you're going to get if you want to date me.

And then I'd be like, okay, that person didn't like me. Okay, let's try this again. Yeah. And then I'm also like auditioning during the day, doing shows at night where you're dealing with like the same kind of rejection. Because it's not personal. Yes. It's like in our industry, it's not personal, but it's fully personal. Because it's like, well, I don't like want me.

You do not want me. Yeah. And it's just exhausting. Because you did you live in you live in New York, right? Did you find dating here or there easier? New York, I think, is so much easier. Really? Yeah, because you, well, there's like a drinking culture in New York and like outside of your apartment culture.

Yeah. Here, people will be like, come to my house. We'll have wine. We'll have cheese. We're all in bed by 10. In New York, they're like, we're never sleeping. Yeah. So you like go to a bar and then like your friends could leave leave but then you've made like a whole nother group of friends and you just go home with

that new group like it's just it's easier to meet people it's easier to like have fun it's more social here I feel like people are like this is my group of people and we're gonna go on a hike in the morning so like also we're gonna leave and we don't want to speak to you oh wait you're on TV how are you

she lived you know in, and she was like, no one drinks here. No one gets hammered. She's like, where are the people that are partying? They're at someone's house in the hills doing cocaine. It's a weird city, for sure. It's a very weird city. But then, I've been here long enough that I'm like,

maybe LA's on to something. Where you party a couple days and then sleep. I know. I'm like, this is good. I like this. It's kind of funny now where comedy's at. Because, like, I'll run into comics, like, hiking. And, like, all the comics in the 80s are, like, doing blow and, you know, passing out in hotel rooms.

And I'm,'m like running into they're like drinking smoothies yeah i feel like we're all like we should take care of ourselves like i was talking to ron funches he was like yeah i was just like i'm tired and all i do is stand and talk yeah so i was like maybe i lose a little bit of weight and i was like i feel the same way it's like i would get off a plane and be like my ankles are swollen all i did was sit in the air for three hours why are they swollen i get i know because you haven't had water in six days once i started like breathing really heavy on stage just like holding a microphone just like panting i was like maybe i should try to lose some weight. It's a real wild thing when you're like,

all I do is stand and talk and I'm covered in sweat. Covered. It's hard to be a human. It's so hard to be. I say it all the time. It's exhausting to be a human, but then it's also exhausting to be a nice human, which is like a new street I'm driving down.

I'm trying to really like be nice how's that working? it's so hard I find you very nice hey thank you you're welcome were you not nice before? I would like pick and choose people

I was nice to which like isn't a nice thing like my roommate John Millheiser I say his first and last name because he's your roommate now oh okay i didn't know that yeah we've lived together for oh my god seven years oh wow we've been together for such a long time yeah he's like my husband who i don't fuck uh perfect like fold each other's laundry i love it we're real domestic and also he's got a

boyfriend we're a real throuple and I get no action. But, uh-oh. What was I talking about? You were talking about, I was talking about how if you were nice or not to people before and you said you picked and choose, who to be nice to? I didn't take my ADD medicine today. I fully don't remember where I was going with that. So John Milhiser. Oh, yeah.

I don't know where the John transition was coming into. John, nice. Did he help you be nicer? No. We would talk a lot of shit. Okay. Like all the time.

And then I got to a point where I was like, oh, I should just like keep my eyes on my own paper. Like what this person has is like not for me. Right. And I should just be,

there's 400 television shows on the air yeah if there's a will there's a way like you can you could do it you'll be fine oh like when you would see someone get something you're like that person and we'd be like let's talk about them they fucking suck and then lately i've been like john John, let's not do that. Let's try to keep it positive, keep it fresh. There's some people where you're just like, I can't believe it. Another job? I know, right?

God, if I had a nickel. But when you have a fun gay roommate, it's hard not to just want to be like, that's a fucking bitch. How do you not do that? I mean, I fall into that with my, I try really hard that like, if we have like one little bitch sesh, I'm like,

we can't do that again today. We did that yesterday. We have to be kind and nice today and put love out into the world. I get it though. Cause you know, we work so hard and I mean, you want to be so happy for everybody. Every now and then, there's a couple

people where you're just like, how? Like, they're not funny, and I know for a fact they're a real asshole. Doesn't happen often. No, but every now and again, you're just like, this person's a piece of shit, and I hate them so much. Yeah, but, you know, we're human what are we gonna do nicole drink that water girl you gotta

hydrate on my flight today i was pretty drunk when i got on the first plane fell asleep woke up and was like i feel terrible i was like why do i feel so bad then i got on my second flight i was like oh because you have had literally no water and a bottle of wine within the last six hours so then i chugged that little dasani bottle they give you on delta and then fully passed out and i think i snored really hard so if you're on my flight today from detroit to la I'm really sorry. Cause the flight attendant was like, you really were sleeping.

I also moan in my sleep. So I could have been doing that. Oh, there you go. And I also sleep with my hands in the seatbelt. Uh, I'll like that. Yeah.

Okay. Otherwise my arms will sometimes go everywhere. You're hitting the person next to you. Yeah. So it looks like maybe i'm like pleasuring myself and then i'm also going she's just she's having a great dream oh man he was so hot and i like today was like was he as hot as i think he was so then i him. And then he apologized for his performance. And I was like, it's fine.

And then I was like, give me your last name. So then he gave me his last name. And then that's how I found him on Instagram. He's so cute. It's a shame that, I mean, that is the one nice thing that you don't have to worry about with women. Is, well, sometimes they can pass out. And then what are you going to do? Then you poke them and say, excuse me, you wake up for me?

Excuse me? Hello, excuse me? Excuse me? You have to figure out, you know, wait, are they, oh, they're passed out. Okay, hands off, hands off, hands up, hands up. We're done. But as far as if they're still awake, the organs are all usually working. Yeah, it is a little easier because it's not dependent on an appendage staying hard.

You can buy an appendage that's always hard. Does that, is that, you know, I guess forgive my lack of knowledge with the penises. Is that an issue for many guys? I don't think it's an issue for many guys, but it has happened a couple of times. And I don't know how to say to people, or to men, that like sex isn't over because you couldn't get hard.

Right. Like you could eat me out. There you go. You could finger me a little. You can flick my bean. Like you could eat me out. There you go. You could finger me a little. You can flick my bean. You can lick my butt. Oh, you like a butt licking?

Oh, you like a butt licking. Yeah, eat my butt. Eat your butt. Eat the booty like groceries. I could eat your booty like groceries. I could eat your booty like groceries. I could tickle your teeth. I could suck on your little nipples. I don't know. Do you tell them that in the moment?

No. And I guess I don't know how because they're always so apologetic. Oh, okay. And the first time it happened was this dude that I was dating. Maybe it was our sixth date or something. And he was just so embarrassed. He was just, like, he, like, sunk into my bed and was, like, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it happened.

And I was, like, it's okay. I, like, it's really, it's okay. And then we never recovered from that. Really? From that day on, he was, like, distant. Like, a wall went up and he was just, like, no. And I was, like i it wasn't ego thing my fucking fault right like it's not my fault your dick wouldn't get hard like that's just

not it i refuse to believe that for sure um yeah i think it was like an ego thing his ego was bruised i he was like this has never happened okay then he's like also it's the first time i've ever had sex sober and i was like all right so you're like really working through some issues that have nothing to do with me i think my feelings were just hurt because uh i was like we're not adult enough to talk about it right like it's fine it happens that's why viagra exists that's why you can get it through your insurance and not have to pay for it because men are so upset when their dicks don't work. But this time, I was truly just a little too drunk and had to

be on a plane shortly. So I was like, I don't have time to articulate things to you. I just need you to leave. He also brought a box of chicken with him. It was weird. It was like grilled chicken. Where did the chicken come from? He was like, I need protein. I don't know where it came from, but I ate a piece of the chicken.

It was like pretty dry. It was a very weird. This guy. I hope he listens to this podcast. I hope so too. Men out there need to know that sex isn't just about wiener and vagina. It's not about you coming. It's about the experience and everybody coming.

It's not about you coming. It's about the experience and everybody coming. And if one person comes that's not you, I think it's successful. For sure. You know? It's a 50% success. You do so many things. Fucking kiss my neck. Well, you need to go out there and start spreading the word.

I'm trying. Men need to know this. Well, men don't listen to this podcast. So, okay, if there's a straight man. I bet there's five men right now listening. All five of you. George, Timmy, Tom,

and Mike, and Keith. Go tell your friends. Definitely Keith. Tell them that you can still do other stuff even if your dick doesn't work. Yeah, lick buttholes.

Lick bodies. Fortune, we've come to the end. Oh, Nicole, this was a delight. I truly could talk to you for so long. I've learned a lot from being in this podcast with you. Yeah. What'd you learn? I learned a lot about wieners.

I'll tell you that. And I definitely think I'm grateful to be a lesbian i wish i wasn't attracted to men but you are attracted to women too so you but i wish i could just cut men out of the equation right but i know you like that that dick i do and i love like a big dummy attached to it yeah like i love a dumb man. You can't help what you like, you know? Like just big, doofy idiots. I love them who are just like, wow, you're funny. And I'm like, yes, I am.

Are you so stupid? I love it. So, Fortune. Yes. You're touring currently. I am touring. Oh, wait. I forgot. I asked all my guests currently. I am touring. Oh, wait. Yes.

I forgot. I asked all my guests this. Okay. I only missed it with two people. I know Jax is sitting right here, but if you weren't fianced, would you date me? Of course. Yay! Yay!

We'd lick so many buttholes. We'd lick buttholes with each other all day. What a treat. I've never had mine licked, but you know. You've never had your booty hole licked? No. Jack! No.

No. Jax has said so few words, but you truly very quickly leaned into the mic to go, no. She is, she is a neat freak or no, what do we call it? OCD like clean. She's not into dirty buttholes. Not that mine's dirty but I think she assumes

every butthole's dirty. I would have the Lysol wipes. Lysol wipes? Just get like a little baby wipe. Would you ever have your booty hole eaten Jax If you haven't Jax

Do we need to have a talk Oh this is a real treat This is why I want to be in a relationship So I could go to someone's podcast And then have them go You gonna eat your booty hole And So I could go to someone's podcast and have them go, you're going to eat your booty hole? And then I could go, yeah. I didn't sign up for this tonight.

That's what happens when you're with Nicole. Sorry. I'm nasty. Okay. Well, Fortune, do you have anything you want to promote? I'm on tour. I'm in a bunch of cities. Fortunepeemster.com.

I'm in Madison, Santa Fe, Charlotte, all those good Phoenix. And also, Jax and I do a podcast called Sincerely Fortune where we talk about, we get deep once a week. Talk about topics and check it out. I love it. Okay. So, also, bless the topics and check it out i love it okay so also is the bless the hearts is it out yet yeah it comes out this fall it's a new animated series on fox and then uh it's about a family in the south that's cute and i'll be in it i play kristen wiggs uh best friend and co-worker oh i, I love that. That's great.

Fortune, I'm really happy for your success. You too, Nicole. I think you're such a kind, really lovely person. Aw, thank you. And I'm so joyful that I've gotten to spend so much time with you recently. I know. We've seen each other. We had not seen each other for so long.

And then this last month, we've gotten to do several things together and it's been awesome. It's been a real treat. I love you. Honestly, you're a real dream. I love it. Okay.

Uh, truly go see fortune live. She's so funny. Um, and if you like this episode of why won't you date me, you can subscribe. You could rate it five stars. If you send me a nasty thing hitting on me i will read it

this person hit on me not in a funny nasty way in a way that i was like what so he emailed me and said nicole you're a beautiful woman my weakness is black pussy oh i'm a normal guy who works for United. So thank you, but I don't think I will take you up on you wanting to eat my black pussy. This person said in an Instagram comment for everyone to see, Nicole, spelled with an H, which is not the way I spell it. You are so sexy. I want to meet you and have sex and to eat your pussy. Let's if i can find a fun one okay this one's fun i want to stuff your coochie with some ham and cheese make a grilled toasty and eat it out nom nom nom nom i love ham and cheese that one's very funny let's see if i okay, I want to get our nipples and clits stuck

in the respective ends of Chinese finger traps and come while we try to figure out if our new sex party favors are racist. Oh boy. The people who listen to this podcast are a real delight and I love them. Okay, this person said, something dirty.

I want to wipe you back to front. That one just hurts my feelings because you're trying to get me sick. I know, that's the wrong way, right? That's not the dirty I mean. I mean a fun, filthy thing. You just want me to get bacteria vaginosis. Seems mean.

But it's okay. I know you meant well. And that's it. Thanks, Fortune. Thanks, Jess. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.