Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Thick (w/ Jon Gabrus)

Episode Date: June 15, 2018

The incredible Jon Gabrus (Raised by TV, Action Boyz, High & Mighty podcast) joins Nicole to share the adorable story on meeting his wife, and how it lead him to make out with all of his friends in the process. Nicole confronts Gabrus on why he hypothetically wouldn't date her, shares more stories about her sleeping with cab drivers, and reads problematic Tinder messages. They also discuss the latest cases of sexual assault in the entertainment industry. Be sure to check out Gabrus's podcast High & Mighty, on the Headgum network. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single! Even though I will kiss your butthole and lick your dick

And not even ask for dinner first. The only show that answers its question in the first line. Yep, you're right. You're right. Solved your fucking entire thesis in the first line of your episode. That voice you're hearing is a treat of a friend you know him from game over man you know him from uh-oh i should have looked up your credits i think you should know them off the top of your head it's only sadder because you're gonna only think of old ones you know him from mailer demon the herald team from 2005 you know him from the law firm, the Herald team from 2005. You know him from The Law Firm before

they moved to The Weekend at UCB. You know him from all of the podcasts. He's a frequent guest on Doughboys. He has one maybe still called Action Boys. He's got High and Mighty. He's got Raised by TV.

My friend is the podcast king. John Gabers. Let me clear my throat. Gabers, how are you? Oh, Byer, I'm wonderful. This is already as fucking insane as I had imagined it would be. I mean, I like to get wild.

It opens with you singing a song about what you'll do to another person's genitals and then ends with you cackling. It's the first time I sang a song. Usually I just say a sexual act that I'll do to a man without a date. I bring out the song in your voice. You do. You make me happy. You make me happy.

You're such a joyful person. That's the nicest way to call someone fat. I got fired from a job once and I asked why and they said, you're too jolly. And I got home and was like, they fired me because I was fat? Because the only person you describe as jolly is Santa. Yeah, he's a fucking fat ass. No one's ever like, those elves are jolly too. Unless they're a fucking dumpy ass

elf elves aren't dumpy i feel like that's like in the description you can't be like gotta be live tall yeah that would be bad oh that would be bad i mean my saving grace to not be absolutely disgusting is that i'm six foot two like that's my life-saving goal is i've been like all i'm not short and i'm not bald so it's like i constantly have to be like i have a head of hair and i'm tall it's like well you're fat and disgusting i'm like no no no i know but i'm tall with a full head of hair you lost weight though i have recently lost about 20 pounds congratulations but also who cares no exactly i mean the only thing i'm with you on that if someone is seeking to lose weight, then I say congratulate them.

But also, if you're seeking to remain the same, you're not going to get any complaints from me. Yeah, fuck it. Eat. Do you. Be happy. I've been trying to just, like, be healthy. I just don't want to get winded going up the stairs anymore. That's, like, the goal.

My out of shapeness was affecting my job which my job is very easy and i'll be like they'll be like i'll be standing for like five takes in a row and i'm like i need to fuck someone get an apple box and i'm like oh okay i need to turn i need to get my life together so i can continue i'm only 36 like i intend to do this job for forever or until someone accuses you of sexual harassment. You know what? Maybe I should go back to business school right now. Oh my God. Did you hear about Morgan Freeman?

I did. Is that your Morgan Freeman impression? I was wondering how black to do it. I did. But he doesn't sound traditionally black. I'll say it like that He's got like the But he has like the traditional deep voice Of a black elder statesman

Nope, that's bad Nope, I can't do Morgan Freeman I cannot do Morgan Freeman I thought it was going to be good And it is not I feel like if we look deep into any 70 year old Male actor who's been famous for 40 years yeah we're gonna find uh bad shit they'd be a touching they'd be a raping yeah it's not nice it's very mean

and then did you i mean not to get too super into it did you read that arrested development interview yeah where people were like defending gaslighting fucking jessica what's her name walters jessica walters yeah she's crying and they're like well some actors are like that it's like uh this bitch is still sad i would even go as far to say like i guess some actors are like that but if you're in like a sexual like psychosexual rape drama or something maybe some some some shit like that could fly but if you're shooting arrested development you're not allowed to be like an edgy fucking actor yeah it's like an indefensible there's a character who's a never nude who showers in his shorts yeah yeah you can't be what are you screaming about yeah why are you sure also you're one of like

15 actors just fucking pump the brakes. Yeah, that's- That's always upsetting. It's all bad. Yeah. But I mean, this podcast is not about sexual assault. Not yet. Or the Me Too movement.

Not until this episode. Oh yeah, baby. But you're not single. You are happily married. Yeah, so why I won't date you is because i'm taken so thanks for having me like fat chicks i know what you said in austin i think it was austin uh you were doing doughboys live and mitch was like gamers got asked why don't you date nicole and you went i don't like fat chicks and it made me laugh so hard yeah I mean it's a funny question to be like why wouldn't you

like to ask Mitch like it was such a fucking people are so obnoxious and their Q&A has become like fucking Instagram comments and it's like

you can post a picture of you at the beach with your friends with Mateo or and someone will comment like yeah but did they nail it oh where's Wes

and it's like they're it's like, they're- It's insane. All they want to do is quote you at you. At you, yes. And I don't get it. I took a picture of me and my wife and people will say things like, how many train stops to Long Island?

And I'm like, shut up. And I'm like, thank you. I appreciate that you're a fan, but like this comment on the photo or don't comment at all. I was in San Jose and a car was like coming at me real fast. And I was like, oh, shit, I think they're going to hit me. But then they slammed on their brakes. The man leaned his head out the window and went, almost nailed it.

And I went, no, no, you can't almost kill me and quote me. And he laughed so hard and sped away. The show is not about vehicular manslaughter. Sure is. It's about baked goods, sir. Sir, it's about baked motherfucking goods. I would love for someone to try to hit me with their car. I think I could handle it.

You say that till you've been hit by a car. I know. I've only been hit by a car. I know. I've only been hit like lightly by cars. Same. Yeah. It was plenty. Wait, how were you lightly hit by a car? One time my dad hit me on purpose when I was sitting and walking into soccer practice in

front of the car. And another time I was like walking through a parking lot and a car backed out and sort of just like, I had like headphones on and just like hit me in the side. And I was like, and i like didn't react enough like i literally just did like urban cowboy or midnight cowboy or whatever i was like hey i'm walking here and i just like kept walking what a treat my friend was driving and i ran out in front of him and didn't move and he didn't stop and he hit me at like i don't know five miles an but it fucking hurt. And did you have to pay for the damages to his car? Did Geico find you at fault?

No, I left a beagle, loved it. Yeah, well, he got a new car. He had to get a new car right after. It was total. I truly ripped that car in half. He had to get a brand new Mercury Mountaineer. Uh, I truly ripped that car in half. He had to get a brand new Mercury Mountaineer.

How long have you and your wife been married? My wife and I have been married for seven years, but we've been together for, we just had our 15 year like date-aversary. That's insane. Yeah, like a couple of days after my 21st birthday. That's such a fucking long time. I asked her out, yeah. How did you meet? We met in class. We had comm principles together. What is that? Communication principles. It's like the entry-level class for communications majors. What is communications? Great question. How do you go to college? I literally don't know what majors are. You don't have to tell people that. They know. You don't know what major you don't have to tell people that they know you don't think anyone's sitting there listening to you being like

did you go to college is she harvard or yale you think um no uh uh communications is like a major that's sort of like kind of bullshitty it encompasses a lot of the entertainment stuff so it's like tv film pr marketing, advertising, sort of all under communications. So we met in like one of the requirement classes there. I weaseled my way into her group because she was hot. And she'll always like try to say the caveat when I tell that story. She's like, well, you were actually interested in someone else in the class first. Were you?

Yes. Well, I was interested in all of them. But I also even showed up to this class with a girlfriend, a college girlfriend. She had a boyfriend. And I met her and all these other hot girls in my communications class. Wait, so Tiffany had – wait, can I say Tiffany? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Tiff had a boyfriend?

Tiff had a boyfriend from high school. I had a girlfriend from college. And they were very serious. He was like a foot shorter than me and covered in tattoos and uh straight edge and the lead singer of a band so so tiffany would eventually swing the the other way what a hard turn i know she went from like a a small masculine tatted up musician to a large fat effeminate fucking comedian you think you're effeminate i don't know i think you are i think i might be but also not you're like an effeminate bigot i thought for sure the word macho or something might slide in the end there.

You really got me on bigot. Fair enough. But I love you to death. I role play a bigot way too often, I think. No, I don't really think you're a bigot. You wouldn't be sitting here. My closest, yeah, exactly. My closest friends know I'm not, but I say enough awful shit that it gets me.

But it's like, I know you're kidding. Right. It's like Jesselnik, like listening to him. Yeah. He says the most offensive things, but I don't think he goes home and kills babies, you know? Exactly. I don't even say half the shit he does, and people call me like alt-right. Wait, do they?

Someone alerted me to a Reddit thread that said, is John Gabrus alt-right? And it had like 20 fucking comments. And people were like, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure. And they're using Gino Lombardo, who is a character that I do on Comedy Bang Bang, as an example. Because he's like a racist Long Island meathead douchebag. But they all think because it's so similar to me. neat head douchebag but they all think because it's so similar to me and i'm like okay well can you imagine that the character part i add is more than just the voice and maybe some of

his opinions because i'm on a comedy podcast trying to get the maximum amount of comedy out no doesn't matter maybe i'm actually alt right you're certainly not those fucking soft soy boys i cannot fuck boy they're little fucking i i want so badly to go to like one of these protests with these fat necked fucks and tiny little glasses and just punch them in their fucking four dollar helmets so bad oh you got a captain america shield you fucking cunt and just kick them right in the chest this is america like sparta and kick him in the chest i've never seen that movie 300 no well you're not you're not missing i've never i enjoyed that movie thoroughly but it does not hold up oh because the style is too weird you know it was like cool when it first came out but everything has surpassed like quality. But it's a lot of abs.

Oh, that's what I'm here for. A lot of scantily clad buff men and signed daddy up. Yes, yes. I just appreciate the aesthetics of it, which is sadly true. Back to- Back to feminine bigot. No, so you and Tiffany were in different relationships. Different relationships.

And then how did you come together? We became friends. We started taking more and more classes together. And we were sort of pushing the boundaries of what friendship really is. Did you guys cheat on your significant others with each other? No. Okay. We never did, but we definitely hung out more than you're supposed to when you have

a significant other. And we're not like fully... And then eventually, I would break up with my college girlfriend over one summer and sort of just like truly a crazy summer. And then came back to school and was like friends with

Tiffany again, but then it was getting a little more... Now that there was like one whole tiffany again but then it was getting a little more now that there was like one whole obstruction out of the way and she was still with her tattoo and she was still with she was still with her boyfriend great guy and now met him and know him well but he's nice guy really yeah uh and we would have we started just like and then eventually it was like hey i don't know i think i gotta tell you like on my 21st birthday, I got super wasted because I was the first one of my friends to turn 21. So we put a lot of, we were already drinking, but we were like, now you're 21.

You got to do 21 shots tonight. We all made like, we all made t-shirts. My t-shirt said, everyone's t-shirt said, I'm partying with Gabrus. And on my shirt, it said, I'm Gabrus. And on the back, everyone wrote facts about, like super offensive facts. Like, came to college in 195 is now 245 you know like that's not offensive

yeah no it's just facts that's biology yeah that's facts but like you know gonorrhea free for 80 days and counting like just stupid shit and I got absolutely shit faced and Tiffany and her friends came out too because I was sort of like buds with her she

like helped me do my halloween costume we were hanging out more and more and then her and all her friends came out and in my head i was like having the time my life i started like making out with all sorts of people and i say people in the they they're them way female yep i was kissing whatever i was kissing all my girlfriends arguably uh forcing some of my male roommates to kiss me like sexually assaulting them like holding their heads and just like i'm so much bigger and stronger than a lot of my friends i was just like pull their heads closer to me and they'd be like, let go of me, let go of me. And I'd be like, it's my birthday. You're getting tongued, motherfucker.

And then the one person I didn't make out with was Tiffany. I made out with a lot of her roommates and a lot of my roommates in front of her. And then a couple days, I had made a declaration to be like you have a I'm never going to put you in a situation in which you are forced to make a weird decision but you should know that I'm I'm into you and then she on the night before my 21st birthday I was going out just to

do some shots before the night before that big party and I was calling her when I got home after midnight because I had turned 21 and could not get her to answer the phone, her cell phone. I was like, oh, weird. And then so the next night's that 21st birthday. I'm going apeshit. The next day I call her and I'm like, apparently I was a little crazy last night.

She's like, yeah, you were calling my phone. And this is the two nights. She's like, two nights in a row you were calling me. I'm like, I'm sorry. I was drunk. I was just so. And she goes, well, you know how you said you wouldn't try anything, blah, blah, blah. Well, I just want you to know that you can now.

And I was like, you had broken up with the guy the night before my birthday. So the night I'm calling her, she's on the other line breaking up with him. And then the night of my 21st birthday is her first night as a single woman in like five years. You could have made a move. Could have made a move. Could have made a move. Not only that is she's like, this is the guy I'm leaving my boyfriend for. And then I kiss 40 people in front of her guys and girls.

She's like, what the fuck am I doing? Truly went to an effeminate bigot. I feel like that's like meant to be kind of shit. Like she saw something and she was like, he gets wild, but I like it. Yeah, it was very cool of her to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Like, okay, part of why this guy's interesting is because he's got a little bit of a wild energy. A little bit?

This man is insane. He's not well. She was like, yeah, so imagine you just break up with your boyfriend of five years for a new guy and then watch that guy kiss all the women you live with but not you. I'm like, fair enough. That was weird. And then we started just – my mom came up for my birthday dinner that week, and I was like, invited Tiffany?

And I'm like, I'm bringing my friend Tiffany. And we weren't even official yet, but I clearly wanted to be with her and i had you know thought about her a lot we have a lot of weird things like sophomore year the year we met at the end of the year we like i went to her dorm and just like said have a good summer and we were like not that close of friends yet but she was just like so prevalent i i'll send you the picture i have a really weird picture of the two of us so clearly nervous sitting next to each other like on a bed my hands are all like weird and shit and that's so fucking cute it's very cute and then i went back to my dorm and i called her and she goes john and i was like yeah she's like why are you calling we just saw each other and i was like i don't know I just wanted to talk to you again.

Oh my God. And this was like a full year before we started dating. Oh, you are an adorable mess. Oh, I really am. Yeah. Oh my God.

That's so sweet. I find, I truly believe that the, the two of the things I'm good at in life is talking at length about whatever. And being a husband to Tiffany. Like are the two things I've found myself being like accidentally good at despite my best. You know what I mean? Like it's just easy to be good at, I guess, podcasting and comedy.

You're very good at podcasting. It is just talking about I take strong. I have strong opinions and i don't mind hearing myself talk for hours it's all you need i could full-blown become howard i mean no i don't have the talent of howard stern but i could live that life of just like talking all day talking forever that's so fucking sweet and you and tiffany together are just you guys like love each other oh yeah i mean you have to at this point yeah 15 years is a long fucking time yeah i mean we're coming up on being together longer than we've been apart you know what i mean like she's like like when you do the math of like oh

we've been together for 10 years but i'm 30 so it's a third of my life then when it's 20 years when you're 40 you're like it's a half of my life and then it's like Then when it's 20 years when you're 40, you're like, it's a half of my life. And then it's like, oh my God, the older I get, the longer you've been a part of my life. Yeah. Oh boy, we gotta take a break. Oh, we're back from our break. And you guys have a dog. We have a dog named Arthur. Arthur's very, very fucking cute. He's the cutest. Are you guys going a dog. We have a dog named Arthur. Arthur's very, very fucking cute.

He's the cutest. Are you guys going to have kids? And is that a question you get all the fucking time? That's a question we get all the time. And I will say, for any of your listeners who want to ask their married friends that question or their coupled up friends that question, I would say you never really know what people are going through. So without going into too much information, it's not an easy process having kids. All right.

So just be wary of when you ask someone. Normally you reserve that for your closest friends. Yeah. And you don't want to just be forcing that on someone else because you don't know how hard they've been trying, what they've been going through, especially as we get older and crazy shit like that. But at the same time, we totally want want to we're just not in a rush where you know i mean

we biologically i guess should be but we're also just getting our lives yeah i think that's a lie that's like women have to freeze their eggs and have our baby before 40 because my mom had me i think at 40 but also she dead so like that's not a great psa for waiting but did she die during childbirth no she died of a heart attack oh man another reason to think about that uh that light extra light edition of exercise just going up and down the stairs instead of the elevator so i don't die at 40 but also also if I die at 40, who cares? I lived a great life. Hey, you're preaching to the choir. There's an element of me that's realizing that lifestyle changes are required.

This life cannot sustain. Like Dan St. Germain said to me one time, we were just having coffee, talking about weight loss or whatever. And Dan was like, you know, there's not a lot of uh 300 pounds 60 year old men i was like yeah and he's like because they die and i was like ouch right right there is yeah yeah but there is but there are i feel like they're in like the midwest yo oh i feel like i i was on Doughboys tour you mentioned earlier. I went to Dallas and you and I are bathing suit models in Dallas. The fact that we don't drink 60 ounces of Pepsi in like a glass and a cup holder in our F-350 makes us like yoga instructors there.

It's wild how poorly people eat everywhere else. I love going to other places and you could see people looking at you like, oh my god, I'm skinny here. Or I dress for the appropriate way for my weight at least. I can't remember where I was, but everybody was

fat and I was like, wow! This is wild! It's awesome. Then you come back to LA and you're like, wow, this is wild. It's awesome. Then you come back to L.A. and you're like, no. I mean, L.A. fucks up women who weigh like 125 pounds. Truly. Or like this city is every, you know. It's insane.

Women will drive themselves. I mean, men will too, but women will drive themselves. It goes across both gender lines. Drive yourself crazy comparing yourself to other people here. But this is a city built on people work based on their looks yeah truly it's a city of dreams and nightmares sometimes i'm like if i just decided to quit comedy and like move to ohio i would get booed up so fast you would but then i'm like'm like, no I wouldn't. Everyone's fucking married. At my age,

everyone is married everywhere else. You gotta go, like you gotta be okay with maybe being a stepmom or a second wife. I'll be a second wife. A second wife's a great gig. I would do that. You already figured out what you want and what you fucked up. Yeah, you drop the

ball on these three things. You're not going to let it happen in the new marriage. And whoever marries me is going to be my second husband. Oh, right, because you were briefly married. I was married to a small little Indian man. We all, hey, look, grown up, you come through New York, everyone ends up married to a cab driver at some point. Wait, is that racist of me?

Did I just? I mean, he worked at a gas station. Oh, okay. I don't think it's racist. I thought I remembered the story that it was a cab driver. No, I fucked a cab driver. That's the story I'm thinking of. I was like, does she talk?

Of course she talks about that. Yeah, I fucked a cab driver and I still had to pay that's bullshit i didn't tip though did not tip he also took my purse oh it was awful uh we all have those beautiful that's one of those meant to be stories sort of like we were in class together fell in love i fucked him in his cab he charged me and took my purse. Took my purse. When I went inside to go to the ATM, he just took it. And drove away? Drove away. After fucking you.

After fucking me. Drove away with my purse and my phone. I had my wallet. And I didn't have my keys. And I was like, in front of my building, I was wasted. And I was like, I'm going to decide. You got drunk? Oh, see?

That's weird. Because I would have thought you fucked your cab driver sober. Oh, yeah. I's weird, because I would have thought you fucked your cab driver sober. Oh, yeah. I love fucking cab drivers sober. I also let a cab driver finger me. What? Yeah. Car sex is-

Hard. It's hard. It's hard when you're a fat person. Oh, it wasn't until I got a Jeep Cherokee that I was able to fuck in my car. Well, this was a fucking Lincoln Town car, baby. Oh, what was it? Black cab? Yeah, then you got to fuck those guys. It was a gypsy cab car, baby. Oh, what was it, black cab? Yeah, then you gotta fuck those guys.

It was a gypsy cab, yeah, man. It's not a medallion. No medallion, no paper trail. I fuck whoever I want. The Taxi and Livery Commission's like, this car was stopped here at rocking for 30 minutes. Oh, it wasn't 30 minutes. I know, who can fuck for 30 minutes?

It was such a short time. And then on one birthday, I led a medallion of yellow cab driver finger me as I ate a McChicken sandwich. Oh, my God. That's like the life of a queen. You know what I mean? That's like royal life. That's like some fucking ancient shit like-

Drive me around, finger me, and get me a McChicken. Yeah, like a concubine blows the king as he eats like a dozen oysters. You know what I mean? That's a fucking, that's some fetish shit right there. That's some shit that you've been trying to recreate for years. I mean, I keep just. If I can just meet a guy to eat me out while I eat a McChicken, a dream come true. Honestly, I would love to get eaten out while I eat something.

It is funny. Yeah. Everyone's eating. Yeah, it's very funny. something it is funny yeah everyone's eating yeah it's very funny so you completely you've missed out on apps you've missed wait how many people have you dated that's the crazy part is that i've never even been on a date oh i've never gone out with someone and said like i wonder what the because before college it's there you ask them to be your girlfriend before you go out together. At least it was that in the mid to late 90s.

I think it's still like that. It's still like that. And unless you have apps, then you can go on a date with like a stranger more or less. But then when you get to college, it's sort of like you just hook up with a girl three times and then go, I think we have to start dating. And then, and then I started dating Tiffany days after I turned 21 and just sort of never even went on a date. And it's always grass is greener because all my friends are like, that's so. I'm like, yeah, but the idea of like app dating sounds really fun.

But it also, no one ever agrees. I, yeah, I can't agree with you. It is fucking awful. And it's weird. Last night I had a show and this person whispered to me after my set. They were like, we matched on Tinder. And I just turned around and went, message me, bye. And I literally ran away.

Rather than saying, hi, I'm Nicole. Or this person should have said hi. Buy me a drink or whatever. But I just, and it's happened more than once. Like, oh, I saw you on tinder or i matched with you on tinder well it is one of those weird things too where there's like even like amongst our business like you follow a comedy person they follow you you eventually meet in like real life and it's like you don't fucking know them but you know where they were yesterday

and then you are like i think i should say like hey tim simons i follow you on twitter you follow me back we sort of blah blah oh right but then that feels really weird so i'd imagine the tinder is the heightened version of that oh absolutely because in comedy and performing or whatever of course you like run into people these are just perfect strangers that i don't know right because you just you match these people and then you don't look at it again and then they're like hi hi we matched we matched remember me send me a text message mess i don't even know swipe left baby i don't what it's right is right is yes left is now it is fucking awful i don't know i've yet to meet with anybody good yeah how do because i hear that a lot from uh people our age single people our age like apps are weirdly not worth it because it's sort of like you do so much effort to maybe go on a lunch with someone and then it's not if it doesn't work it doesn't work and then

like meeting people out in public is hard when you're in your 30s because it's like everyone's either taken it's hard to tell what do i do if i can go to a bar get wasted and like hook up so i feel like that's in my 20s and i guess i could still do that i just i'm tired right it's tight but it's also it's like where are single people hanging out i have no idea right i looked at a list of single people bars and they're all a lot of bars and i'm like i don't want to go to laurel hardware oh yeah well that's the other thing too is like the hook it's not like single there's no single bars like single looking for relationship it's always like looking to fuck for the night yeah yeah and then i can just do that on my app i could swipe at home yeah someone come over fuck me and then leave right that's ideal here are the messages i get this This is Steven. Steven said, hi, Nicole.

How are you? I have to confess up front that despite appearances, I'm quite a naughty boy. I'm submissive and bisexual. Not everyone's cup of tea, but maybe yours, Steven. Is it your cup of tea? I don't give a shit what you are. I don't want you. I don't need a message like that.

Oh, I agree. You know what I mean? Oh, I agree that that's not the right first message. You can leave out being a sub-bi until message three. Also, lead with about, I don't know anything about these apps, but lead with something about the other person instead of yourself. Like, hey, Nicole, saw your pictures. You look cute.

Would love to hang out or would love to continue to chat or whatever. Right. That's the move. That's the, what gets you to respond. I mean, if he never told me he was a submissive bisexual bottom or whatever, I would be fine until we met and fucked.

And he told me, you know what I mean? Right. That's what you tell me. Right. You tell him, it's like, Hey,

if you want to do anything, like, Hey, you know what else gets me really off is this. Yeah, yeah. I don't need to know your sexual preferences right off the bat. Here is, I don't know if I've ever- Well, that's like the accelerated thing about Tinder. And I think as someone, I'm going to sound like everybody's old uncle now because I don't

fully understand that. But like, because it's so, like, I think Netflix does this, uh, uh, this, uh, these dating apps do it where you're like, there's so many choices that you're like, is this the right documentary to watch right now? Or am I going to waste my 90 minutes? Maybe there's gotta be something better to watch. And then all of a sudden you're going like, okay. Uh, yeah.

Do I want to date a woman who's a comedian? Do I want to date a black woman? Do I want to date? And then you're like, you should, like in real life, you wouldn't have that opportunity. No, you would meet someone and be like,

I like them, let's date. I get, I understand about physical attraction obviously being one of the first barriers that you have to get over or the first connection is like,

I see your picture or I see you in person. But at the same time, like, you can fall in love with a coworker that same time like you know you can fall in love with a co-worker that isn't your type you can fall in love with someone you've been around a lot that isn't exactly your type like i always think i always just make this comment doesn't make tiffany happy but if i if we were to meet on apps i would see that she's so done up and i would write her

off as high maintenance and she is high maintenance but I it's something that I'm willing to deal with because every other I think I think the true version of the here's my relationship advice for people you got to be okay with five things being off you know what I mean like sure yeah it can't be like big things of like no I want to raise our kids Mormon and you don't want to that's like that's like one thing but there's got you got to be okay with five things you don't necessarily like because if you're looking no one's gonna find someone the

one doesn't necessarily like I was really hoping to marry date someone in a creative endeavor it's like yeah everyone of course but if not if you're if like because like a counter I'll see is a lot of women will not date a man under six feet tall or under who says he's six feet tall. So five, 10 and above everybody on Tinder.

Every man's five, 10. And you granted, I get that women want to date tall guys. So most women, some women want to date tall guys. But what if you met a five, nine amazing guy and you would go to yourself, well, height isn't like that much of a priority. But with the dating app, you can go like write someone off. No, thank you. I've learned to just like adjust my expectations and adjust what I want. Because before it was like, I want a tongue man.

I want him to be a comedian. A what man? Tall. Oh, okay. I thought you said tongue man. I want him to have a big old A what man? Tall. Oh, okay. I thought you said tongue man. I want him to have a big old tongue to lick my pussy. I want someone willing to lick pussies and

watch comedy. I don't know why I'm doing Jesse Ventura. But now I'm like, I don't give a shit how tall you are. I honestly just need you to be nice to me and have money. Those are good. That's truly it. That's simple. You could look like a dumpster. And you're not even saying rich. You're saying like, have your own money. That's truly it. That's simple. You could look like a dumpster. And you're not even saying rich.

No. You're saying like have your own money. Just pay your way. Yeah, like just be a functioning member of society. Like you could pay for dinner three times a week. Yeah. We could go on vacation twice a year. Once a year.

Once a year even. I want to be able to do stuff with you because I have money because I'm a successful adult. I'm doing average. I'm a successful adult. I'm doing average. I'm doing all right. You're at that certain level of like I'm everywhere and also I'm making hundreds of dollars in thousands of locations. Truly. Yesterday I literally did a show.

I did two shows. The first one was in the middle of a bar where they didn't tell nobody there did a show I did two shows The first one Was in the middle Of a bar Where they didn't Tell nobody There was a show So people are just Talking

It is so brightly lit You can see Everybody's face Don't want that And they were like You've seen her on Netflix Nicole Byer And I was like

Yep I'd like to order The mozzarella sticks I'm the fucking Comic Truly And it's like I'm not mozzarella sticks. Like, I'm the fucking comic. And it's like, I'm not cleaning up your spill. I have a microphone.

Comedy is something that humbles you every fucking day. Also, every day of success is followed by, like, there's still 364 more days in this year. Yeah. And it's wild. Oh, yeah. Just when you're like, you know what 364 more days in this year. Yeah, and it's wild. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just when you're like, you know what? I'm not doing free comedy anymore. You're like, no,

I have to work out this stuff. I have to go do a shitty show. I gotta go deal with people. It's really, it's a difficult process because every time you talk to someone who's more successful than you, they have similar complaints

and you're like, Jesus Christ, come on, you're doing so great. And then every time you talk to someone who's doing not as good as you they're like but reality I would want to be where you are and you're like fuck I know I'm sorry I'm a dickhead but it's just in our nature

I don't think there's anything wrong with always wanting better for yourself and your loved ones that's not a problem that's like our job just what's next what's the next best thing? Yeah. And I feel like you can do that to a fault.

And I have where I'm just like, okay, next Thursday is this thing. And the next thing I know it's that Thursday. And I'm like, there was five days. And I don't, I didn't like, I felt like I wasn't, this is so hippie bullshit, but like present enough. So that's something I'm working on is rather than being like, what's the next job? What's the next job? I'd be like, okay, the next job might not come for a couple of months let's settle

in let's enjoy the podcasting with friends let's go make sure we still do stuff because it's so easy to push it to like if i have a job i'll do this when i have a job i'll do and then you don't have one for like two months yeah better get your shit together yeah and i feel whenever i don't have a job i feel crazy it's it's very the other thing the drawback of the business is i attach so much of my own personal happiness to my career success and that's not ideal no no no because it's true for everyone if you work without work if you work as a temp you're gonna be happier if you get more temp work you know real people temp i don't know if real people i'm sure people have to you

know what i mean i guess so like if you need work you need work yeah you right read my tinder profile there was no good segue yeah oh you want me to read your tinder profile yeah read it uh describe the picture 28 i can't change it on facebook and I tried to the other day but I don't remember my Facebook login okay oh also the reason why it says 28 is because the internet didn't know my age for a while but now the internet knows my age and it's fine

oh you were keeping a deal yes I'm 39, 32, 30 something I don't know at my birthday, my birthday is August 29th I'm going to have a 40th birthday party this year. You should have a 40th birthday for the next five years. Well, next year I'm going to have a 50th. And then the year after that, I'll have like a 32nd.

I'm just going to jump around. Keep people confused. I love it. I just don't know how old I am. Nicole, 28. Less than a mile away. I would say less than 10 feet away. I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass hey

i agree i like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh check some things to know about me i'm definitely a thought colon the happiest out there i'm also a PYT, probably yodeling tonight, and I'm USA, usually sitting around. Also, I'm all about that D, and by D I mean dinner. That is a Molly Tarloff-ism. She was a guest on my podcast earlier. She's great. But I laughed really hard as I wrote that. And I've gotten some interesting responses.

Yeah, let's hear some more of those messages you've been getting. Sure. I don't even know how to look it up, so. And I'm not going to be one to start looking through your Tinder messages. I mean, you can. Who fucking cares? So I recently got one from this guy who

named Steve, who I was like, okay. But he and we talked for like too long before we figured out he lives in like Santa Monica and I was like this won't work nope I you live the most LA shit ever is like wait what neighborhood yeah sorry you you are not the one well I just I can't date someone on the west side unless like we love each other and always meet in the middle right I don't know you would have to meet someone and then they move. You'd have to fall in love with someone. Then they move to the West side for you to deal with that.

So his message to me was, Nicole, you down for some P and V pasta in, um, that of boiling water. And I thought that was cute. That's cute. That shows he has a sense of humor and read your whole profile.

The whole fucking thing. Wait, I have a question for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the, what's your overall like hypothesis as to why won't the proverbial you date me?

Oh, boy. Because you've done a few episodes now. I've done so many. Right. And have you learned anything? Are you learning? Have you grown at all? Well, I think so.

I did one with Joanna Bradley, and she was like, you had so many walls up, and you were not emotionally available. And I was like, fair. But also, when we hooked up, I think I was 22, and my dad had just died the year before. Maybe I was like 23. But it was still pretty fresh dead daddy issues. Oh, preacher choir. I mean, it takes a while to get over it and then you never do yeah i would say

hey looking forward to being over it i mean it would be nice i'm sure my therapist would love to talk about other stuff i'm sure my therapist would like to get me on let's talk more about your productivity and your exercise and less about how fucked up your dad was i mean so joanna bradley told you that you were emotionally unavailable which is true i tend to be performative when i meet someone yeah uh i i mean i'm not gonna toot my own horn i'm funny right i'm a good time do you get do have you let anyone recently potential dating, get to really know you? Last summer I dated this dude for a fucking month. But we saw each other like six times in that month, which might have been too much.

Six times in one month, it shouldn't be too much to hang out. I mean, if it is, that's a bad sign, right? For me, it wasn't. I was like, I like this. I can't wait till i see him again yeah and i tried really hard on our first date to not be performative and to not uh not to do bits or yeah do bits and like i just wanted to like get to know him and i want him to get to me. And then I didn't let him see me perform. Although he knew who I was, and he said he had listened to me on podcasts. And maybe he'd see me perform once or twice.

But I was like, I don't want you to see me yet, because I talk about being single. And I'm not going to change my act because somebody's there. Right, right. And then I talk about loving dicks and stuff. I have a dick earring in my ear and i have like a pixelated banana painting in my room because you know you gotta stay on brand and it just makes me laugh when i wake up but uh i tried really hard to like be the most authentic nicole without putting any airs on and i thought i was doing a good job with it and maybe he did too i don't really know i don't what ended up happening with this guy so he we uh it's a long story but uh

an incident happened and then he was like i think i want to concentrate on work and i was like okay and then we like kept texting and then I was like what if we like hang out again he was like oh I'm dating somebody else and I wanted to be like what about work but I just like let it go and then I was in Costa Rica for New

Year's and I met this guy who was like on my dick and I was like oh maybe we'll just like hook up or whatever and he was from Austin and we like exchanged Instagram information and we're like DMing each other and then he was like come out tonight and I was like all right so we go out he's so excited to see me that it's like embarrassing for him I was like why is he so excited to see me I was like I think this man loves me and then we like hung out hung out hung out and then I was like why

won't he kiss me so finally I was like are you dating somebody And then we like hung out, hung out, hung out. And then I was like, why won't he kiss me? So finally I was like, are you dating somebody? And he's like, oh, it's complicated. I was like, oh, fuck this. I don't want this. And then he like kept DMing me. And then like a week ago was like, hey, Nicole, what's going on? And I went nothing.

And then he like told me, like updated me with him. So finally I was like, why are you DMing me? Are you thinking about me? Nothing. He didn't say nothing back. But then starts liking my pictures. And I was like, so you just want to take up space in my brain. I keep meeting dudes who just want to take up space in my brain.

And the guy from the summer texted me like a month ago and was like, you're really funny. I nailed it. And I was like, I don't need you to tell me I'm funny in anything. I know I'm funny. Society has told me that. You want me to think I was like, I don't need you to tell me I'm funny in anything. I know I'm funny. Society has told me that. You want me to think about you. And I don't know why. Yeah, that is a weird sort of narcissistic thing that I think men and women do as well.

But men are especially powerful at it. It's just like, look, I don't want anything with you, but I don't want you to have anything with anyone else. It's the most old-fashioned bullshit ever where dudes are like, well, cause they're, it's just like, it's that fucking like talking to someone at a party and they're looking over there,

your shoulder. It's like, is there something better for me? And it's a bummer, but you're never going to find something good for you if you're constantly thinking something, you know what I mean? Like you could second guess your menu order every time.

You know, you're like, should I have done that? But you gotta order something. Eventually your food's in front of you. You gotta eat it. And fuck it. God forbid you let yourself enjoy that meal. You know, rather than being like, should I have done something?

Why won't someone enjoy me as a meal? Why won't you eat me? Why won't you eat me out? I also think I live in LA and I'm fat. I'm a fat black woman who lives in LA. I'm not the ideal. I know I'm pretty. I'm a very pretty person.

I throw on a wig. I put on some lashes. I look fucking incredible. Yeah, you have amazing style. Thank you. I'm just not traditionally. Right. You have to find someone whose type is heavyset black women.

Who is looking for that or is open to Wanting that Yeah, you need to find someone whose type is Funny, strong women And then be like And then you also have to be okay with the rest of the package Yes Because that's what you are first and foremost

Is a funny, powerful person Thank you So you just need to find someone who's okay with that where are those archetypes what kind of dudes are those quiet shy guys no idea you need like a weird tall wealthy shy white guy with like a fucking nine inch hammer i mean what a dream that would be you what a dream right you need just like a weird quiet dude who's like loves to laugh thinks you're funny is smart has a good job and that would be great and i like black men but i feel like a lot of the black men who i have tried

to be romantic with uh don't like that i'm opinionated and loud and strong and like don't want to take on that mom role and like stay home and cook and be quiet yeah i was going to stereotype uh black men in that way of just like, there's still that, I find that older black men, like black guys our age, are more traditional than Yes, I think so. At least that's, and that might be religion

more so than being African American. Yeah, like a lot of Christian men are very much like, there's traditional roles and like, I don't fall in a traditional role. Like, I don't sit in my seat in the arc light.'m a rebel okay well that's obnoxious i'm on board for everything you said so far but just you bought a seat sit in the fucking seat lady here's the thing if there's only four people in the theater the theater is ours we can sit wherever we want fair enough i will not care i will only care if i have to sit in my own seat that I paid for

and it's hot because you were in there before me man this is my seat I'll be like I've been sitting here steaming this bad boy that's like me like you ever like sit on someone's like shirt or something on a chair by accident. And then when you get up, it's like iron for them. You're like, what the fuck? Sorry, my big body.

He really pressed this out for you. So you, you're, you're a big old fatty. Yeah. You find, I find you have had no issues dating. I've had no issues dating i've had no issues dating yes uh and i

think part of that is women are more open to big guys than guys are open to big women yeah i think big women are making i mean first of all i can show you who i follow on instagram and you'll find out exactly who i'm into not everyone has a sickness for the thickness. I want you to finish that sentence. You said, I think big women are, but then you started talking about your Instagram. What were you going to say? I think women are more open to big men than men are open to big women. Why?

Why do you think that? I think it's because it's got to be some old bullshit holdover from also big guys are dad like and you know what i mean and for some like big a big bearded guy is like you know i'm daddy i'm like you know like you i had you everyone has dad issues i'm learning you know daddy know, daddy, I'm daddy. And a lot of guys, uh, like I think are just more shallow. Also, here's something women will be the first ones to be like, he's funny and cute. Uh, but he's funny and cute.

Yeah. He's overweight. Men will say she's fat, but she's funny and cute. You know what I mean? It's like they put that shit first, which kind of also here's my other issue dudes have no idea what their work like and it's it's helpful for them this unearned confidence where they're like nah i'm kind of holding out for more like a scarlett johansson type and you're like, you just got cut from Maud Knight. But like those guys think they deserve like a fucking Southern Belle supermodel type

and you're like, women will see the good in a guy and men will wait around for it. And I think that's part of the reason why it's like, oh, I want to be in that person's brain in case I don't meet the Scar Jo. I'm trying to think of my two references for beautiful women. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson. Gabby Union.

I'm like, who am I saying here? Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson is the prettiest. She sells it. And she's got to play all the parts, whether it be Asian or not. She's got to play everything. She's so hot. She's like the fifth hottest Asian woman.

She is pretty. She's so hot. She's like the fifth hottest Asian woman. She is pretty. She's beautiful. And I think so a lot of men have that like unearned confidence in like I deserve better. Which is insane. And I feel like a lot of women date funny fat dudes because they're just like he's nice. He's really nice. Were you tweeting something about like were you on a tweet storm about this the other day or someone was? Were you tweeting something about, like, were you on a tweet storm about this the other day?

Or someone was. Someone was going after, like, the idea of, like, because, you know, like, these incel guys who are like, I can't get laid. It's like, it's not because women aren't fucking macho guys exclusively. Yes. The type of women maybe these fucking losers want to date are the type of women who are fucking rich, jacked guys. Yes. losers want to date are the type of women who are fucking rich jacked guys yes yes there are rich handsome jacked guys out there and women who want just them there's also women who are looking to meet nice guys and there's a lot of people who say they a lot of dudes who fucking create this narrative that say i'm not getting laid because i'm not night because i'm too nice and which is

not true believe me you're wrong. Right, exactly. If you can't get laid decently, either your standards are too high or you're not actually nice. Yeah, you're like a mean person. And if you're constantly saying, I'm so nice, people dislike me,

you're wrong. Yeah, that's like that saying, nice guys finish last. And it's like, no. Some women do like a man who's distant and an asshole but most women in my opinion and most men prefer their partner to be nice yeah like yes yeah most of my friends are dating the nicest people that's how you find them yes because someone who's not necessarily traditionally attractive gains two points on whatever disgusting metric you want to use when they're nice.

Gain another five when you're funny. Uh-huh. You know. I don't get it. And that's what's frustrating about there's this double standard. That's what's frustrating is like you are the things that guys will, for some reason you're having trouble dating. Men who are, if a man is funny, wealthy, and overweight, which are three things you are, that man will never have a problem meeting someone.

I know. If I was a dude, I would be crushing it. Yes. Crushing. It's so weird. Because women are smarter in that way. I mean, they're smarter in a lot of ways, but in that way of just like, why see this person for the person that they are? I didn't, because when you get a little older, you can't keep thinking.

First of all, if you're in your mid thirties thinking you're going to fuck like a 22 year old mom. First of all, i'm assuming that sucks people get way better at fucking by the time they're 30 i don't understand dating younger i want to date older i want someone who's had a lot of sex who knows exactly what they're doing i mean that's tiffany always makes the joke she's like i feel like if we ever got divorced you would marry like a 55 year old actress and i was like yeah yeah absolutely she would have huge tits big old honkers you like titties i like boobs and butt i like meat i like here's the way i always say it when people when i this is how i dance around saying too much too too biological of definitions i like women not

girls yeah so i think a woman has a little bit of thickness to her a little bit of style a little bit of personality you know like that's the kind you can guess based on my wife the kind of women i would also be into she is a woman i remember meeting her and i was like dang she's a real woman there's like a couple women i've met that i'm like i don't think i'll ever be a woman like that uh she's like a fully realized little fucking june diane rafael is like that june diane rafael is like the pinnacle of that and you're like she's so beautiful like she's just going to ascend to another level of like not meeting anyone or anything she's like i don't i don't consume food or water i've now just become like eve I'm waiting for that to happen.

I don't think it's gonna, I think I'm just gonna be a weird little troll for the rest of my life. Having an amazing wife like me gives me so much credit in life. You know what I mean? Like we're kind of friends. We're hanging out. You don't really know me.

You're like, oh, this guy seems nice. He's kind of obnoxious. And then you meet Tiffany. And then you meet my wife and he's like, he's gotta be great. He's gotta be amazing. He fucks that. His life, he's gotta have something figured out truly you guys are like i don't know i feel like you're soulmates i don't know your personal like personal personal problems oh yeah but like i just remember your

birthday you rented a fucking bus we went to a rugby game and tiffany was just serving jello shots that she had made the night before and I was like this is so adorable and you should know this was my 36th birthday that we made red white and blue jello shots for honestly it was the most fun I watched two minutes of that game I was so bombed I was blacked out I that reminds me I should post the Instagram video that Drew Tarver got of me pissing at the corner of Santa Monica and Vine in the street. It was very funny. You were peeing on the bus.

Just on the outside of the bus. And you were like, meet me at Oinkster! After party at my house! And then I just went to my house and only four people showed up. And it was Jake and the Rosenberg twins. And I was like, what the fuck what did i do yeah i'm like no and then i bought like 200 worth of pizza off postmates by accident i was fucking lit it was so awesome that trip that week that night cost me so

much money in so many ways but didn't we pay for it everyone paid for it but like i just didn't do all the math correctly and i bought fair i requested of stuff. Fair, fair. I requested a lot of people, so I was willing to pay a lot. And it was maybe my favorite birthday party I've ever been to. Yeah, it did make me want to sort of try to make my birthday a thing every day. Yeah, it was really fun. I'm going to try to do that. I want to do a weed and rosé only party once at my house. Okay.

Everyone wears white and we just smoke joints and drink rosé. Some weird L. weird LA cult shit. That's my effeminate bigger right there. Wear white, smoke weed, and drink rosé. We're gonna wear white hoods and drink rosé. And we'll go across the street and burn a cross. Oh, and Nicole, I hope you're out of

town. I'll be there in white face. I'm not missing out on rosé. I love rosé. Last time I, I don't smoke too much weed anymore. I like edibles because I feel like they're more mild, which is what nobody says. Well, they are if you do it right. Yes.

Because they come on slower. Yes. They just last longer. And so if you can do your dosage right, you can eat a light amount of edibles and be kind of high for a long time. And kind of just stony for a little bit. That's what a lot of people enjoy. Last time

I got wasted wasted and smoked, no, no, I guess the time before. I don't know. When I did High and Mighty for Thanksgiving. Oh, right. Well, we were bombed and drinking and then smoking for non-smokers.

Mind! Oh, we were blitzed. I woke up with a wet t-shirt. I think I took a shower in my shirt and then took all of the sheets off my bed. So it was just wet at the top of my bed where my head would be. And then I was like,

now I have to do Thanksgiving with John's parents's parents yeah my in-laws were in town for that show and they were staying at my house we woke up the next morning to do thanksgiving uh i will also say you brought up the vibrators the womanizer the womanizer uh and then my mother-in-law got it as a Christmas gift or a Hanukkah gift, technically. And she was like, will you please tell Nicole that blah, blah, blah. Because my mother-in-law has a rule that she's not allowed to talk when she's at shows because she likes to make herself the center of attention. So she came to a law firm show one time and volunteered. And I was like, sit the fuck down. But so at this show you

were talking about this amazing vibrator that you love and she said John I know you told me I'm not allowed to talk during the shows but I had to get that name someone raised their hand goes what was the name of the vibrator and then you say the womanizer and I look in the crowd and I'm like, that's my mother-in-law! She's funny. I like her. My mother-in-law is fantastic. She's real funny. Yeah, you know, it's always a good sign when your mother-in-law and your wife are best friends, exactly the same, and nightmares. Okay, it's come to the time.

You've already answered it, but Gabrus, why won't you date me? I would not date you because I'm taken. If I was single, I think we would have already been broken up, right? You are absolutely right. Yes. If I was single when we were both coming up, we would have hooked up during our, if not before our guy code girl code years during and then tried to get some sort of uh couple code spin-off like fat code biracial code

fat biracial code is great hyper specific to raise our half diabetes children i have a joke about fat people and how you can hear the whisper of diabetes in their steps. And every time I do it, people are always like, oh, no. I'm like, where's the lie? A bunch of fat people have diabetes. Yeah. We could do all our fat material right here. Because I do the one where I'm like, tried to trim my pubes the other day.

I needed four mirrors and I still cut myself. the other day. I needed four mirrors and I still cut myself. The one I have is I got so tired from reaching that I just stopped and told myself it was a two shower job. And that's a real thing that happened. Oh, I've done that.

I was like, oh boy, this is tough. I think not too long ago, Tiffany and I were hooking up and she's like, I guess you still call it hooking up when you're married. We were boning. And she was like, oh.

And like saw my pubes because I let them grow out way too often. And she's like, oh, well, you tried. I was like, okay, note to self, we'll take another pass. You tried. That's adorable. I want to be married just so someone could look down and be like, you tried. Hey, look, it looks like you did something down here. I don't think you, whatever you were intended to do, you didn't succeed at it, but you did something.

She just patches and then baldness and then patches. And she's like, okay. Yeah, that's pretty much right. Something happened. That's pretty much. All right. We got to fucking wrap this shit up. I don't want this to

end by i'm so sorry it's got to fine um is there anything you want to promote yes check out my podcast hi mighty also on the head gum network um great episode with nicole a couple great episodes with nicole if you want to come over if that's your way in, I recommend that. I also have a podcast called Action Boys on Patreon where me and my buds just break down classic action movies and if you're dying to hear three straight white males opinions on movies

and can't figure out where you can find that on the internet, we got it. It only costs you $5 a month. That's it? That's it, baby. I mean, it's free to listen to High and Mighty. Do you make a lot of money? I mean, it's free to listen to High and Mighty. Do you make a lot of money on Patreon? Not a lot of money, but enough that it makes sense. Okay.

Because you'd be surprised how little listeners you need for it to be viable. I guess, yeah, $5 a month if you've got- If you get 100 listeners and you pay your editor however much you have to pay them a month, then you're taking home a couple hundred bucks a month.'s nice yeah and we split it three ways i get a patreon maybe i don't know hey listeners of nicole's podcast if you think you would pay a couple of bucks a month for extra nicole buyer content let her know on twitter let me know you can email me at bacon can save dot at gmail.com that's my email that I give out. Bacon can save? Yeah. Oh, nice.

I mean, truly, it can. It'll kill you. But that's why it's funny. If you like this podcast, listen, I want you to rate it on iTunes. You know, give it a little five star. And then if you write a review, please write something nasty. Write something salacious. Hold on.

There's one I want to read do it oh no i can't find it hold on i'm gonna guess what it says okay what nicole byers podcast is so funny i want to make them lips flap trying to think of something nasty and say i want to make them lips clap at a club i mean that's not bad that would be yeah if you say something like i want you like i want to make them lips clap at a club i mean that's not bad that would be yeah if you say something like i want you to i want to make your lips clap at the at the club that's good that's a good one there's a really okay hey girl love your podcast you speak to my life i want you to sit on my face squirt in my mouth while you put your fist in my pussy. I'd have to reach my arm and I'm squirting.

That's a lot of work. Do me a favor. If you find yourself in that situation with another woman, could you tell me about it after, please? Pinky promise I get to hear about that? Pinky promise. Because that sounds fun. I will call you immediately after i hook up with a girl gabrus guess what i'll be like before you say anything else hang this phone up wash your fucking hands and call me back

uh you know i wouldn't never wash my hands i would just be sniffing down fingies all right thank you gabrus bye bye you're welcome buyer bye buyer No, you wouldn't. I know you wouldn't. I would just be sniffing them fingies. All right. Thank you, Gabrus. Bye-bye. You're welcome, buyer. Bye-buyer. This has been a Team Coco production.