Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating with Disability (w/ Santina Muha)

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

Actress and comedian Santina Muha (One Day at a Time, Curb Your Enthusiasm) answers the worst questions to ask someone in a wheelchair, shares some of the aggressive messages she's received on dating apps, and asks to include disability in today's conversation about diversity. Plus, Nicole recaps her experience 'Facetime dating' in quarantine.Support BLM. For a list of resources and places to donate click here: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Advertise on Why Won’t You Date Me via Gumball.fm

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though in the times of Corona, you could spit in my mouth and I would say, Ah, hydrated.

Oh, no. My guest today. You know her from one day at a time. She's unnerved your enthusiasm. It's Santina Muha. Hello. Santina, thank you. Oh, I really got myself with that one.

It was gross. Thank you so much for fucking doing this. And I just want to say, like, I've asked you. I asked you so fucking long ago to do the podcast just because i think you're very funny and just a wonderful person but there was an accessibility issue which is like fully fucking embarrassing that it was like i couldn't have you on my podcast because it's the accessibility and uh i ran into like not to like be like as an able body or i don't want an ableist i don't know as a person not in a wheelchair to be like saintina i finally saw it

and realized it but i was doing a show that was like upstairs at the club and none of the elevators worked and i watched this person very calmly and like, just, you know, figure it out. But I was like, oh, my God, if everywhere I went, I had to figure out how to fucking get there. I would lose my goddamn mind. Yes. Hello. Welcome to my brain. It's up and it's 2020.

And I've been in a wheelchair since 1990. And it's not getting much better. It really isn't. I thought it would, but it's like, so it's actually getting worse. And the reason it's getting worse is because I'm not 10 anymore. And so I don't really want to be carried anymore. You know what I'm saying? Like when I was little, if I went somewhere that wasn't accessible and my 26 year old mother carried me up the stairs, who cares? But now I'm not 10 anymore. My mother's not 26 anymore.

You know what I mean? Nobody's like, we're not carrying each other anymore. It sucks. It sucks. And I don't want to be as an adult woman. I just don't want to be carried up a flight of stairs. It's annoying.

Yeah, it fucking sucks. And then it took UCB a minute to put in a fucking ramp i was like this should be a no fucking brainer like why isn't there a ramp it took them a minute but you know what at least they did it because honestly yes they're one of the only comedy theaters that i can even access at all at all i mean truly think about there's so many and in the beginning when i was a plucky improv student i got carried up and downstairs because of course i wanted to get those 10 000 hours and become an expert but now i'm like you know what i'm on i'm on a tv show so i'm not gonna do your upstairs

improv show you know what i'm saying that's my favorite flex of all time i'm on fucking tv i mean i'm recurring i don't even know if i can even bear i'm i'm like a little bit recurring so can i flex i don't even know but it's like come on yes you know what i'm saying it's like i i'm an adult woman do i want to be carried and it was i'm in my college days it was all cute and flirty and fun oh okay it's like a keg with tits let's carry her up the stairs yeah no yeah oh come on of course no i've literally never heard that before that is so fucked up of course that's the and then but when i was in college what was i gonna say i mean i wanted to be i wanted to hook you up with these guys just as much as anyone else. So I laughed. But, you know, it's like it's hurtful.

And then you get these images in your brain of being less than less than a person. And they stay in there. And then you are in therapy forever. Yeah, that fucking blows. I one of the best shows I've ever had was at the D.C. Improv, which is an amazing club. They had a sign language interpreter, uh, and it was just so much fun to like, like see how language is translated in ASL. And I was just

so, I like asked the club, I was like, how did that come about? And he was like, Oh yeah, we just have on the website that, uh, if you, or maybe it's not on the website. the website i don't know he was like if you call and tell us you need an interpreter we will get you an interpreter that's awesome i was like yeah that's fucking that's how every place should be the best asl interpreter i ever saw was at a rihanna concert and this truly she looked like like like a stereotypical what we're now calling a karen That's what she looked like. But she was signing the words with the same emotion that Rihanna was singing them. And it was just like, I loved it. Yeah, this interpreter would add things sometimes.

He was like, you said things I couldn't figure out how to translate fast enough. So there was this, I can't even remember the joke, but he interpreted it as what the fuck. figure out how to translate fast enough so there was this i can't even remember the joke but uh he interpreted it as what the fuck he was just like the fuck that made me laugh so hard because i was like yeah the message it got conveyed uh it was yeah i had a blast it was great and it's not just stairs by the way it's like bathrooms are inaccessible all the time and like in terms of dating right so if a guy, hey, do you want to go to this restaurant? And I know that that bathroom, that restaurant doesn't have an accessible bathroom. I have to come up with a weird reason why I don't want to go to that restaurant because I'm not going to bring up.

ability before we've even met in person and be like oh hey here's what you're signing up for if you date me i can't go anywhere because i mean that's not true but i don't want to seem like a problem child from out the gate right so i have to say like oh i i don't like italian food which is like so much bullshit come on you know me i mean at all santina my name is santina i mean i don't like italian food so it's like i have to come up with a reason why I won't go to sorry, little Dom's to throw you under the bus. But you know, your bathroom is not accessible. So you know, things like that. It's like, it's so hard. And I don't know why we live in a world where you can you like you can tell somebody in a wheelchair, sorry, you can't come in our building. These are things you're not allowed to say to anybody right now these days. If you told anybody else you can't come in our facilities or you can't use our bathroom, there would be people marching outside with signs like this, but you could still tell people in wheelchairs

you can't use our facilities. Basically, that's what you're saying. And I don't want to hear your grandfather-in-law because, you know, grandfathers are out. Like, open a newspaper. a minute so there's like grandfathered laws that say that you don't have to make your establishment accessible there's loopholes on loopholes on loopholes fuck santana this it's crazy people don't understand i don't even notice it's happening and then i can't tell you how many friends i've had or people i date or

whatever that have said to me oh my god I didn't even notice this was happening until I you know I started hanging out with you and you know it's really eye-opening and it's been like I'm telling you it's been happening my whole life I mean and I'm not to set signs to it but I'm I'm tired like I'm so tired sometimes I don't know i try to speak up i've tried to be an activist i've tried to let it go i feel like i've tried all of the tech tactics so i don't know i meant to ask you if you ever got what happened with american airlines resolved oh fuck american airlines they're horrible what exactly what exactly happened again i just refreshed my memory a flight attendant was like an asshole to you well yeah so they they took me on the airplane They're horrible. What exactly? What exactly happened again? I just refresh my memory.

A flight attendant was like an asshole to you. Well, yeah. So they took me on the airplane. And they also went with someone in a wheelchair has to get an airplane. First, I have to transfer onto this. Like, it looks like the Hannibal Lecter chair. That's what it looks like. That scene. So now and they strap me in like I'm like i'm gonna kill somebody and they bring

me to my seat okay so now everyone's watching everyone peeks above their sudoku puzzle to watch this happen and i just have to like wave like i don't care i'm fine with this hello and then um they put me in uh and then so what happened on this particular day was they banged the chair down. So I hurt it hurt my back really bad. And and it gave me a headache. So I no flight attendant checked on me the entire time. Asked me if I was OK. Nothing.

So on the way out of the plane, I said to them when I was going off, I said, did you guys know that I was injured getting onto this plane by one of your staff members? And they said, yeah. And I said, well, I just think that's rude that no one checked on me. This is that is all I said. And these flight attendants lost their shit. They started screaming. Yes, I was shocked. And I wish I had taped it because these are the days where if you don't tape things, nobody believes you.

Yes, the people don't fucking believe you. They were like oh you know what I am so sick of you yeah yeah you get off this plane get off this plane and I was like well I don't have a choice because I was being pushed off the plane in the animal actor chair and then this one woman said to me you know what you're so sick why don't you travel with a nurse yeah I said I'm not sick I was the only reason I'm addict is because of you I'm not sick when I'm sick I get sick i'm not sick i was the only reason i'm addict is because of you i'm not sick when i'm sick i get sick i'm not sick yes i'm not just perpetually sick that's so rude oh my god i know i know that is so fucked up it's like so sorry you were so inconvenient but it was like it's not an inconvenience it's a part of your job like you yeah half it's it's a

part of your fucking job like how dare you that is so fucking rude and it sucks that you have to like deal with that it's rude it sucks it sucks so bad constant and it's nobody even it's so rampant that nobody even like realizes it's happening and whenever people talk about uh my like minorities and oppression and discrimination and that's like such a hot topic right now but it's it's so consistently left out of the conversation so i feel really invisible sometimes which is it's hard to make a jersey sicilian feel invisible but sometimes i do you know and i i just want people to understand we because i want I'm like,

I'm on this train. Like I want to fight for everybody's rights, but I, we got to include people with disabilities. We have to, because first of all, like disability does not discriminate, right? There are black people in wheelchairs, gay people in wheelchairs, Asian, like it doesn't matter, old, young, trans, whatever. It doesn't matter. Like it whatever it doesn't matter like it you know what i mean disability doesn't discriminate so we have to include it in all of the conversations because there are people who like me everything else is working and just like like i don't know when you sit down do you all of a sudden become ugly and stupid no so what do you why are you or whatever if you close your eyes all of a sudden you forget everything stupid. No. So what do you, why are you, or whatever, if you close your eyes, all of a sudden you forget everything you ever learned. No,

we have to treat people like people. This is like, that's like the main problem in the world today. I think. Yeah, I, I agree. And it's, um, I've been trying to, I can't figure it out, but it's something I need to figure out. Like when I post videos to have the words at the bottom for hearing impaired people because it's oh I I when you live in a body where you're like most of it works okay you never think about the people who live in bodies where things work differently than your body and it's such it is like when you said that friends have been like I didn't realize this shit happens to you until I started hanging out with you. I was like, God damn, we're all so short sighted. Like I'm trying to think of a children's book with a kid in a wheelchair where it wasn't about the kid in a wheelchair.

And I've been trying to think of a movie about someone in a wheelchair where it wasn't about them being in a wheelchair. And I'm like, why isn't there a rom-com of a main character in a wheelchair where the story is she's a news editor who, like, can't break a story, but then moves back to her small town, and, man, Chad's looking good. I know. But, like, we never address her in a...

Like, why? No, it's not gonna happen. It's so fucking crazy. It will happen eventually, and I hope it happens in my lifetime because by the time i mean at this rate i'm gonna be playing a grandmother anyway so the will so i mean whatever at this frame rate but you know what i'm saying like that's what i've been fighting for my whole life and i've tried to do i've tried to like okay we're gonna

talk about the wheelchair then i tried you know what know what? I'm not even going to mention it, but it's hard because we're not really there yet. So it's sort of like how, I don't know. I feel like I can, I'm perfectly happy to include it in the storyline, but we've got to like not make it the, like my character can't kill herself in the end because she was in a wheelchair. Get out there.

You know what I mean? And that's like all you see it where people think like that me being in a wheelchair is the worst thing that ever happened to me honestly it's like i don't really sit around thinking about i'm in a wheelchair until i'm out in the world and everybody's staring where i can't go into your thing but when i'm at home like in my own space you think that i'm thinking about it no, it's just it's part of your norm. And that's how you live. That being said, how let's see, how do I phrase that? What what is the initial reaction when on like a dating app when someone hits you up? Is it always them pointing out the wheelchair first? No, it's not always. But like, OK, that's another thing I played with. Right. So I thought, okay, maybe if I, what do I do? Do I not mention it? Because I don't want, you know, everything to be about that. And also there are fetishists out there who really are attracted to the wheelchair. And I'm not, that's not my thing. I'm not trying to attract a fetishist personally, you know, do your, do your thing, but that's not mine.

you know do your do your thing but that's not mine and um so but then I'm like no because I don't want to just show up on the date and really I don't know surprise the person and also it's 2020 you know I'm googleable everybody can google right now I don't want to do your homework before you get to the assignment right right I don't know if that made any sense i got it but i don't want to hide it right i don't want to hide it um so okay so then i put it in my i put pictures of myself in there but didn't but made no mention to it and at this point on my dating apps it now it just says i'm in a wheelchair from a car accident when i was little but i'm still living and loving my life jersey at the end of the night say jersey girl la woman something like that so i just like to show them like there yes now there that's my whole fucking

deal in a sentence and i understand i'm not stupid. I know we're going to have to talk about like, OK, how do things work? Like, we'll get there. We'll get there. But, you know, do I ask the guy at the gate, have you ever had erectile dysfunction or like, what's your sperm count? Or like, you know what I mean? Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or like, how do you fuck? I mean, do I say that at the gate? speculation or like how do you fuck i mean do i say that out the gate that's literally insane to me that somebody would ask you how you fuck somebody welcome to my 20s going to a bar giving a man alcohol and him dancing with you for five minutes that that's all he needs to ask you can you have sex how do you have sex do you feel sex? Do you feel sex? It's, I mean. The amount of times I've been asked that is like, it's, I don't even know which type of harassment that is. I'm like, are you, is this like, is this aimless? Is this me too?

What the fuck? This is everything. It's everything it was. Oh my God. I mean, it's crazy. It, honestly, I have never once thought about it. But now that I am, I'm like the same way everybody else would. And also, like, I don't know.

You'll figure it out if you get to if you get to that, you know, moment in time like that. Well, my joke is like, are you guys doing a lot of walking while you're having sex? is like are you guys doing a lot of walking while you're having sex what is walking especially as the receiver you know what i mean what do i yes can i have sex yeah that is literally the most bonkers thing that i i like i'm laughing because i'm trying to like think of the person's brain where they're like wait they sit down in a wheelchair how do they fuck like that like there's no you know like an improv it's like a to c that's like a to z it's like A to Z. That's like A to Z. That's like, it's so crazy to me. And a lot of guys on Zabs don't ask, but a lot of them do. And I understand.

Here's the thing too. Like I said, I understand there's things we're going to have to talk about. Like, hey, I live in an apartment on the second floor and my building doesn't have an elevator. How do we do this? But like, we'll get there. First, i want to know if we have the same taste in music and if you're funny and if you know whatever are you a cat person or a dog like let's figure out if we like each other and then we'll talk about how

we're gonna fuck yeah i mean honestly that should go across the board for everybody well i mean exactly unless unless you're just there to fuck which is great yes again whatever that's great but that's not i have in my thing looking for a relationship i'm not like i don't really want to be and maybe part of the reason that i'm that that's my mentality is because i'm in a wheelchair because i haven't had many one-night stands many but you know i think it's because I don't really like the idea of being some sort of like notch on someone's but yes like I fucked a girl in a wheelchair once you know what I mean I don't want that um I would rather I but for me sex is part a connection is part of sex for me that's like whether and it's not just there's other girls and wheelchairs that do their

own thing i don't know but for my my own take on that is it's like yeah it makes me feel very odd to like satisfy someone's curiosity i don't yeah nobody wants to be a fucking science experiment i don't anytime someone's like you're the first black girl i've been with i'm immediately turned off i'm like i don't right i don't want this to be an experiment that's like once you go black will i go back let's see and it's like oh jesus christ what the fuck it's oh it's so fucking gross to me. What apps are you on? Well, I don't go on them all like often. I kind of bounce around, but I have on my phone right now. Hinge, Bumble and Raya. OK, how has Raya been for you?

I don't love it. I don't love Raya. I feel like everybody like all the girls are looking for Joshua Jackson and all the guys are looking for Hillary Duff or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Like I'm just like where's Pacey? You know. The like famous people on it. I just I don't like Raya. I think it's I also don't like the whole In Memoriam

slideshow. What is that? I don't get any information about this person except for one song that they like. If you're not on Raya, Santina is talking about when you get to someone's profile, a song plays and a slow montage of pictures happen as if they passed yesterday and you're deciding which grave to visit. It is so weird and funny. I am on all of the apps i don't love bumble because i i think black women come off already as aggressive and angry so it's like oh she messaged me first she must be

real aggressive i don't like it for that reason also that's why if i match with someone most you usually get from me is hi which is just like here i opened the door you gotta say the first thing but a lot of i hate when bumble's like may i suggest something more clever i'm like no i know more clever things i purposefully i fucking do comedy so you could fucking leave me alone yeah but i also don't like when a guy approaches me and the question out of the gate is like some stupid trivia i don't like that either like which one of these things about me is true and which one is a lie i don't fucking know you at all how will i know this yeah i don't love trivia the best uh first message i ever got from a guy was uh he was uh we matched on hinge and on hinge you can like like a picture and then if you match

you say something or whatever but i didn't say anything just matched with him and then he messaged me back he was like i already started the conversation you're gonna make me start it again and i was like and i wrote back yes and then an hour later it, all right, here's the answer to your fucking witty query. And then we dated for a little bit. And turns out I like bigger dicks. Anywho, it truly felt like a like a little needle stabbing me. It was so tiny. I was like, how do you how do you?

That's not nice. I shouldn't shame people for having little dicks. But, you know, when it's attached to a bigger dick yeah you get to giggle about it um you said before we started that you have a messages from these apps that you want to read yeah yeah i want to read this one this was this is just like this guy I don't think he had a clue. Okay. So basically I asked him something about, he went to Venice beach and I said something about like, uh,

where people wearing masks, right? Cause it's Corona time. And he said something about, I'm sure. When was the accident? So that I went my car accident. I was six.

So a long time ago, what kind of work do you do and he goes visual merchandising you and i said acting and writing mostly and then he goes what's dating been like since oh i go since when he goes post accident but also during covid and then i said well when i had the accident i was six so dating has really changed a lot for me since then. For example, I'm allowed to cross the street now. I mean, come on, dude. What do you mean?

I guess I understand what he's saying, but didn't he see that I was kind of like dodging it? Right. It's like read the room. That is so funny. It's like I don't want to talk about it right now. We'll talk about it later. Yeah. Break it up once we get to the text message portion of this relationship maybe you know you might have to be like so you were in an accident what happened we can talk about it i'm not delusional but i i can't i'm not going to explain individually to every person on the internet what

what happened and it's also so funny because you answered the question and then they kept getting it. Like it, that's, it was, that's weird. This is someone that someone wrote, this is not on the dating app,

but it was on a Buzzfeed video. I did about dating someone in a wheelchair. This guy wrote, I think I just threw up my mouth. People who are in wheelchairs are disgusting looking creatures i would have made fun of you and pushed you in a lake to see if you can swim oh my fucking god and then another person i don't have this one screenshot but another person did something about that he would date me because he could uh something about leave me in the basement

and i and he wouldn't even need duct tape. Because I couldn't get upstairs. Something like that. Oh my god. They're aggressive. They're like aggressive. And that's the extreme obviously. Those are trolls.

Yes. Those are trolls. I just can't fathom. Why somebody. I mean I have trolls too. Who like will comment on my weight. I just can't fathom why somebody I mean I have trolls too who like will comment on my weight or my race but I just like I truly don't understand

anybody on the internet who's like you know what I'm going to try to break this person today by saying the nastiest thing possible is like what you have a lollipop or a popsicle or something fun you need something sweet in your life to like make you happy or i don't know take a nap i promise you'll be refreshed like fucking put your phone away something that is so fucked up my god santina i

am so sorry you have to fucking deal with that like that sucks it's hard because I mean whatever thank you thank you very much for your sympathies and and I appreciate it but it's like it's like what am I supposed to do right now where the world like okay dating and like going out to a bar right you just don't know who you're meeting, but at least the guys there can see, oh, here's a girl who goes out, who lives her life. So, you know, like I think with dating apps, they wonder if I can even do that. But then it's like, hello, look at, I have pictures with friends. I clearly I'm living a full life. Do you think that dating you like that? I guess guys, sometimes some of the comments I see is people are afraid that they're going to have to take care of me or be my nurse or something like that.

And I'm like, well, what do you think that I've been doing for the past 36? Do you think I haven't dressed myself once the last my whole life? I mean, it it sucks that there's like so much weight that goes into dating for you. Have you during quarantine dated at all? Have you done like FaceTime dates or whatever? A little bit. Yeah, it's good. And it's OK. I mean, it's it's fine.

I've met some nice guys. I went on one FaceTime date. I matched with this guy. He it was we talked for like maybe two days and he's like we should get a drink after all this or have a FaceTime date and I was like okay so we like exchanged numbers I like put on all this makeup and I was trying to do it on my computer because my phone was about to die and then I could not figure out the volume I like so it was just me moving closer to the camera with my mouth moving and he couldn't hear anything and then I hung up called back and did the same

thing again because I truly couldn't figure it out and then I messaged him on the app I was like I'm having trouble uh with my FaceTime forgetting that I had his phone number and I could just text him to tell him and then he texted me and was like uh hey hey bruh phone number and I could just text him to tell him. And then he texted me and was like, hey, hey, bro, you're broken. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh, I have his number. And I was like, I messaged you on the app. I'm so sorry. I can't figure this out. Let me like charge my phone for a bit. And he's like, oh, I have friends coming over at seven. I was like, you have friends coming over during Corona. And so that was my adventure into FaceTime dating. And then I said, you know, I think the break I'm taking from dating

is maybe for the best. I think the Lord is trying to tell me that for right now it is a no. And then I said, dear Lord, I'm not listening. I'm going to text the last dude that I dated before quarantine started and see what's up. And then he didn't text me back. And I was like, OK, cool, cool, cool. So I'm batting zero for two. And then before I could try to go from a third, I like had a therapy session. And she was like, bitch fine you're fine alone like just fucking chill the fuck out you stupid bitch oh god I got I got hit on a lot in my 20s because I I don't really go out drinking like now as much as I used to

so I think I'm like less flirty or maybe i'm like less overt i'm putting i am putting myself out there less you know as everyone i'm sure you have friends that have said to you like you gotta put yourself out there like god it's everyone's fucking suggestion i know right and it's like well look no offense i i don't i whenever i put myself out there i don't really usually love what i get back it's it's like it's so much friggin work. And I'm trying to make it in fucking Hollywood. That's oppressing me. I'm trying to make it in the world.

That's oppressing me. I can't even go down the street without almost tripping on a sidewalk that a root is growing up from. Like, I can't move around my neighborhood. Now I have to put all this work into dating. It's like, yeah, my 20s when I would just get drunk and wear a low cut shirt, it was easier, you know. But now I'm just like, that's not my, it's just, I've, and that's okay too if you're doing that in your 30s too. I just don't feel like it anymore. That's just not my, whatever.

It's just not what I'm doing anymore. So how do I let a guy know, okay, I want it. So I think like I'm kind of half-assing it by going on the apps. I'm like, hey, universe. Yes, I'm open to dating, but also I don't like to do the work. I really don't. Once a text message conversation reaches past like five or six exchanges, I'm like, you want to just call me?

Because I'm kind of in that middle, right? I'm like, I grew up with talking on the phone, right? So I'm not like my mom's age where I can't figure out a tweet or a text. But I'm not like my cousin's age where I can text somebody all day long and just think that we've spoken. Like I'm in the middle, right? So I have to get on the phone at some point, but I don't want to because right now there's so much going on in the world. I'm like, why would I want to talk to a stranger for an hour when I need to check on my friends right now?

That's exactly how I feel. I'm like, I care about all my friends. I don't fucking give a shit about this stranger. I don't love this stranger. I don't want this. No, exactly. I'm like, how are you? But then once it gets past that, like honestly do i care who you are

today yeah i don't know i don't know i don't fucking know you uh real quick we have to take a break and we're back um can i add okay here's question. What is the dumbest questions you've been asked about being in a wheelchair? You know, this was so interesting when I first moved to L.A. about two weeks in, I fell and broke my femur and I had to wear a cast on my leg. So I was meeting people for the first time with the cast on my leg. So they thought that that's why I was in a wheelchair. So it was like a social experiment where people were like letting their guard down. And that was an interesting time because they would say things to me like,

oh man, you know, you should keep your wheelchair after your leg is healed and bring it to like Disney so you can cut the lines. Oh boy. Which by the way, that's not really a thing anymore so thanks a lot no because now that there's fast pass i have to do it just like everybody else so i'm like great so now everyone's gonna stare at me and i don't get the the benefit of cutting the lines fucking awesome so um there's that another time a guy said to me i swear to god i don't know what he was

i he was um he said to me this was like an art exhibit of a friend of mine I went to. I was wearing a headband. He said, that was a good idea that you wore a headband to take attention away from the wheelchair. My God. Really? So, I mean, if only I'd worn a headband throughout high school, maybe I would have got asked to the prom. Yeah. Santina, I don't if only I'd worn a headband throughout high school, maybe I would have got asked to the prom. Yeah. Santina, I don't know if you know this.

If you just put on a headband, your entire life is going to be much more better. Amazing. It's going to be rosy. Put on a headband, I'm getting that rom-com. That's so funny. A question about acting. Do you get to go out for stuff that's like not wheelchair specific i mean it's getting better it's getting slowly better but not much i mean and i have a

good agent now that and they push for me and they try and there's a few casting directors that are really well aware of this and making an effort but no i mean here unfortunately i chose a job where it's legal to be discriminated against for my looks yeah it's wild because you can get discriminated against for your looks and your age yeah and it's like it's so fucking nuts like i truly didn't start until maybe three years ago. I would like look at breakdowns or look at deadline and see what was like getting greenlit or whatever. And then I would tell my agent, I was finally looking at a good agency.

I was like, hey, can you submit me for this part or see if they're doing nontraditional casting for X, Y and Z? And then they would like ask. And then sometimes I would like get an audition or get in the door or like they would like offer me a smaller part or something and i was like so all i had to do was fucking ask people to open their minds to something different it's like it's it's so fucking wild but you know i've also had casting directors say we can't bring her in for this we're trying to cast someone who's diverse that is and that really now i'm just like oh again it's like the disneyland thing i'm like fuck so you're trying to tell me i don't get to just enjoy the benefits of of a fucking

karen who just gets to walk around privileged ass all day but also i don't even get considered to be a minor what am i then yeah that's fucked up and i don't think that's a question anyone has actually like asked themselves that it's like well if a person in wheelchair is not diverse if they're not a minority but they are a minority what what are they a minority because just like you said are you seeing seeing us on TV? Are you reading us, seeing us in books? Are you seeing us represented? Then we are a minority, period. That's what a minority is.

So as far as I know, am I oppressed? Am I discriminated against? Yes, yes. So then am I a minority? Yes, that's how it is. That's how it is. I mean, and i mean and if you're gonna say well there's just not that many people in wheelchairs that's not true either because i can honestly tell you i know at least 100 people in wheelchairs do you know do you does someone most do most of your

listeners probably not and that's because they're not seeing them i happen to know that many because i'm surrounding these circles we're seeing them so they we all exist but we keep getting pushed out of everything pushed out of everything and we keep having to preach to the choir we're constantly putting situations where we're just saying to each other this is unfair but you know that doesn't it gets you only so far it gets you somewhere and supporting each other is very as women we need to support each other and as women within our minorities we need to support each other right that's important so and i'm trying to do that because there was a time there was a time that if i saw another girl in a wheelchair especially another like girl my age pretty active i would be

like you know i was like that yes that's my direct competition right there please nobody else ever know her but then i started to realize that's fucked up too right so now i'm trying to um to like i have that show at ucb where i and i'm and i'm turning it into a like a talk show type of a thing where i want to consistently bring other people with disabilities help help put them in the spotlight as well because that's important but it's scary we do that to each other just as women so never mind when you start narrowing down to your own little thing yeah the society will have us believe there can only be one there can only be one but it's like that's not true there can be as many as we want as many as there needs to be it's so

fucked up it's so crazy but like your show i haven't gotten a chance to do it uh and hopefully when the theater reopens i will but uh can you just uh explain it a little bit for people who are in la who might be able to come yeah yeah and also for people who will be able to listen to it once i start doing it really soon it's going to be a talk show because with covid like you said i can't do it right now on the on the stage it's called rolling with my homies so basically the uh what i do is i take comedians improvisers who are not wheelchair users and i put them in wheelchairs to sort of even the playing fields a little bit and then uh the first half we watch i find i scour and i find some sort of just of representation of disability in media, whether it's the fucked up Zach Morris dates a girl in a wheelchair episode

of Saved by the Bell, or, you know, the episode when Bobby, you know, the Walsh's cousin comes from and visits them on 90210. Basically what I like to call the very special episode is. And we watch it, and then we do improv based on that. And then in the second half, I bring up somebody on stage who actually uses a wheelchair and I interview them. And then we do improv scenes based on that. The reason I do it in that order, by the way, is because I've been in the improv community now for what, like five or six, seven years, a few years. community now for what like five or six seven years a few years and i've been a monologist at things like askad and um different improv shows where i tell the stories and then the

improvisers will will make comedy off of it right and very very rarely will even the most seasoned improvisers take the disability part or the the wheelchair part and make that part of the comedy because nobody wants to touch it and i get that but people with disabilities want to feel represented in comedy as well i don't want every time i see somebody in a wheelchair for it to be born on the fourth of july or million dollar baby i don't you know what i mean i don't want it to be yes an oscar worthy performance every fucking time i want to be represented and in laughter as well, in comedy. So I notice, I get it. People don't want to touch it.

So now we make fun of Zach Morris or we make fun of whatever first. And then by the end, and the audience laughs and everybody's guard is down. And then by the time I bring up the person in the wheelchair, everyone's like, it's okay. If they're talking about it and they're laughing then this is obviously something that's funny it's not like they're crying about the time that you know the sad thing and then we're going to

make fun of it no it's like one time this guy said this to me that's the kind of stuff you can make fun of it's so funny that an audience literally needs a half hour of you going it's okay oh yeah it's okay before they're on board i found it's the same thing with like fat jokes i had to write jokes that were like it's okay i didn't leave my house to to have you feel sorry for me that's the death that's insane that's so fucking crazy um one of the best improv scenes I've seen about someone playing someone with a disability who didn't have a disability. I think it was my my best year friend, Sashir. She was playing someone with crutches in a scene and the audience thought that was the joke. And I was in the scene with her and we were going back and forth about something.

And then Sashir said something. I can't remember why she said this, but she was like, the crutches are just a thing that's a part of my fucking life. And then hit me with the crutch. And it made me laugh so hard because I was like, this is how people with crutches probably feel all the time that they're like, it's just something I use in my life. It is not my life. It's not the finite thing about me. And then I was like,

they probably always want to hit people. And well, that's right. As someone who wants to do sketch comedy to, you know, as well, it's hard to do because people are always waiting for the punchline. Why is the teacher in a wheelchair? Why is the girlfriend in a wheelchair? Like they're waiting for the wheelchair to come into play. And sometimes of the like it's not written that way right it's not for that so now because people have gotten to know me a little bit as a comedian they see me and they're instantly not like waiting for the punch line because they just know oh that's a girl in a wheelchair but if you don't know me and you see me roll out on stage you're wondering if this is part of the joke or not you You're wondering, is it a costume? Is it real? Like my one woman show, that girl in a wheelchair,

it was a half an hour show that went well. But if I ever tried to do like a piece of it in some sort of a best of at the theater, I literally had to tell the host, you have to introduce me as she really uses a wheelchair because otherwise they think I'm making fun of people in wheelchairs. she really uses a wheelchair because otherwise they think I'm making fun of people in wheelchairs.

Man, that there is so much complexity to not almost truly everything that you do in your life. There's an added layer of bullshit that you kind of have to like cut through. I'm exhausted. Never mind the fact that I just froze my eggs right before COVID because I my clock is starting to tick. Like five years ago, I would have said I don't really care about kids. But now it's happening. It's happening. All this science. It's true. So I want a kid. And I think about, well, I know I have to move. I literally have to move out of Los Feliz, probably to Glendale, because Glendale is flat because it's like, you know, for, I guess, tourists. I don't know why Glendale is flatter than Los's like it you know for i guess tourists i don't know why glendale is flatter than los feliz i don't know french a lot of french people visiting the americana

but truly i'm thinking about if i'm gonna push a stroller down the street i need to be able to get down the street myself and like and i can't and and i don't want my kids not to be able to go to their friend's birthday parties because mommy can't come in and watch you or not to be able to go to this restaurant like this sucks this sucks and now it's like it was personal and now I'm like I don't even my my kids in a freezer somewhere and I'm already like hey don't tell my kid they can't come to you I'm already like a protective mother because I'm like thinking what's gonna happen I don't want my kids now to be disadvantaged because I've been disadvantaged my whole life. And I've learned how to deal with it. But this is going to suck.

This is going to suck. I'm tired. Yeah. I mean, it's fucking exhausting. And what am I going to do? It's not like I can just say, you know what? I'm not going to win this argument and stand up and just walk around the rest of the time. I'm stuck.

Yeah. This is the reality of the time i'm stuck yeah this is the reality of my life so and i don't know if it's like you know an inner culture like in america it's everyone's so afraid like i've gone to italy right because i'm an italian proud italian i fucking p.s italy the food in italy i got back to the United States and I the first restaurant I went to, I said to my friend, I was like, I want to knock my plate on the floor and ask what the fuck this trash is. Italy has the best fucking food. And you're not like full and heavy. No.

After any meal. You fucking lose weight if you go to Italy for a week. You lose. It's magical food. I agree with you. Every time I come home from italy i cry like the first five meals i have i cry i'm not even exaggerating this is just true it's something they're just doing it they're just doing it better they're just doing it better and it's

locally sourced everything they could tell you like they're like this ricotta was made from betsy betsy's out in a field about 30 miles from here. Enjoy. One time I went to a restaurant and I was like, can I have Parmesan cheese? And the server looked at me and my friend translated it for me, my friend Mateo, who's fluent. And the server looked at me and went, no. And then went about her business. And I was like, what? And he was like, well, they cooked it for you the way they think you should eat it. I was like, well, all right. But then I ate and I was like, oh, this bitch was right. Like it didn't need anything else but what were you saying about italy sorry no it's true no i was just saying in italy i've it's like just i think maybe and i don't know because i'm still trying to

figure out but i think in america like there's like life people are always so scared because like authorities do not want to help me with anything strangers on the street are more willing to say let me help you up these two steps or whatever but like if you go somewhere anybody who works there any authority figure they don't really want to help because they're afraid that if anything happens they're liable whereas in italy everybody's like and so i and like on the beach for example i feel like on the beach here in america i can't do anything on my own in italy i feel like i didn't have to do anything i feel like a prince of pesa because everyone was like let me help you let me help you but in a way that was i don't know

whereas here people are just so scared to like to do and i don't know man we got to i i don't know we gotta fix it i think uh i mean truly i only spent like a like a couple days in it like five or six days but to me it felt like you know olive gardens like when you're here your family i was like that's stolen from italy because i feel like italians very much are like i don't know you're in my restaurant you're my family like we got so much free shit at restaurants because they were like oh yeah like at one they were like you're like laughing so much so we brought you x y and z um but here i feel like it's a lot of individualism where it's like well this isn't affecting me so i mean you're on your fucking own figure it the fuck out exactly and it is not accessible per se i wouldn't say it is but But I will say something really, really cool.

And this is kind of where the rolling with my homies idea came started. Like, eventually I want to start having politicians do what I have comedians do. I just started with my world, which is comics. But I don't, you know, I'm not in politics. But I want to ultimately get to a place where I put politicians in wheelchairs and have them go around their towns like los feliz or wherever sorry i'm throwing so much shade on los feliz right now but it's just i mean i love it you came for little dimes you're coming for los feliz as just a whole you're like fuck this place i don't like los feliz i do but they're literally running me out of the city.

Literally. I mean, the sidewalks are jacked. They're fucked up. They're jacked. And my friend who, by the way, wrote me an email recently because she's a new mom, and she said, I am so sorry. I never realized how bad the sidewalks are.

I know you've complained about it, but now that I'm a mother with a stroller, I see it. I'm sorry I was so selfish. I'm writing an email to, and she wrote an email to all of these people, and I was like oh thank you thank you you want to cry but this literally speaks to what i said like people don't understand shit until it affects them personally exactly exactly and so a cool thing that happened in sicily in my non my grandmother's city where she grew up her little hometown was i can't i went there one time a few years ago and i said to

my cousin why is everything accessible and you can't see this at home but i'm doing italian hand motions when i speak about italy and i said to her what and she said oh she said because the one of the first things our new mayor did or whatever they call their new mayor is he sat in a wheelchair and he went around he spent a whole day and only one day is in everything but it's something and he went around the town and he said this church needs a ramp this pharmacy needs a ramp you need to fix this you need to fix that it took him by one day and he made this city so accessible that i noticed it you know what i'm saying that i came from a whole nother country and noticed it so it's like you got to put yourself sometimes in people's.

And this is a position you can put yourself in. So I'm trying to like expand on rolling with my homies eventually. But, you know, one thing at a time. I'm like one person here. Yeah, it's exhausting to try to like make any sort of change or any sort of difference. But honestly, all I want to talk about, like i have so many other things i want to joke around about and talk about and fucking you know i mean come on it's like do you think that that's all i want to talk about is being in a wheelchair ever all my days and i talked about it literally more in

the past two or three years than then have since I was in middle school. Middle school, I had a bump of talking about it because all of a sudden everybody was like, that's the age where people are like, wait a minute, you're different. And I noticed we have to figure this out. We have to figure this out. You know, and then high school. So middle school to high school was trauma city for me. Then college, everyone's like woke and that's where people start to realize, oh, wait a minute, we're supposed to be a little bit more, you know, cool. And then something happens, I guess, after college, maybe everyone stops smoking as much pot, I don't know what. But now it's a fucking issue again.

It's a huge issue in my life again. it's a huge issue in my life again. And yeah, it's because I'm trying to like work. And like I said, be a mother and find a fucking potential husband, who knows. But now all of a sudden it's a constant issue in my life. And I'm like, I don't want to talk about this every day. You know? I mean, girl, you're preaching to the fucking choir.

I don't think I've ever talked about being black as much as I've talked about being black in the last two weeks right if like it felt i didn't realize other black people were going through this until a black friend was like are white people texting you to ask you how you are and i was like yeah and i'm not sure why they're doing this and then this woman venmoed me money and i was like wait a minute one it was only for twenty dollars two who told her to do this so i reached out i was like what and she was like oh i'm trying to buy your book and i was like oh so you don't even understand stores like transactions but i was like i was like this can't be someone can't think that my reparations are only twenty dollars like it blew my mind i was floor i like i don't

think i've laughed harder i was like literally rolling around in my bed being like this is we've reached a point this is nuts but then i saw an article where white people are Venmoing black people, just random amounts of money. And I'm like, this isn't it. No, I mean, I'm seeing a lot of like outrage right now that, that is well-deserved, but I, and I pray it's not trendy outrage. Right. Because I wonder like, pray it's not trendy outrage right because i wonder like where is this going like where is this going and like i said we have to fold all eventually we have to make sure we fold all everybody into this conversation because like there are all kinds of changes to be made and i hope and pray because i've seen people on social media fucking waving all kinds of Black Lives Matter flags that didn't give a shit when I couldn't get on stage at UCB or use a band. You know, like when I was on a

Herald team at UCB, do you know that in order to do a show, I had to use the bathroom at the restaurant next door. Then I had to roll around from sidewalk to sidewalk go around the thing knock on go into the front of the buildings they can somebody open the back door because i couldn't go through the the theater roll back around the alleyway coming through the garbage back way past the garbage dumps literally then get carried on stage all of of that. And then for them to say, okay, go ahead, be your funniest. I mean, it's like, it's hard to do. It's hard to do. And that, by the way, is coming at one of the most accessible.

And I have to give them props because they have since made the stage accessible. So thank God. But, you know, when I was on a team there, where was all the pooling of money to get a ramp put in the theater? It's fucked up because it's a system that is set up to make you fail because you had to do all of that

and then you're like, now I have to fucking be funny. Well, yeah, maybe you won't be funny one of these nights because you've had it, you know? And then it's just like, well, Santino wasn't funny. Well, yeah, maybe you won't be funny one of these nights because you've had it, you know? And then it's just like, well, Santina wasn't funny. We got to cut her. And it's like, well, why?

Maybe it's because of the circumstance. She doesn't have the best circumstance to access all the funny that she fucking has. And not to mention, it fucks me up too. And I know improvising is the most important thing in the world, but just as an example, when everybody is standing and walking and running and jumping it takes more effort to push a wheelchair out into the you know the front of the stage to do a walk-on or whatever i mean it's literally called the fucking walk on so i mean no forgive me if i

can't do it but you know what i'm saying, that's why I think my role for me personally, the rolling with my homie show, I feel like that's one of my funniest because now I've put everyone else at the same disadvantage and we're all like eye to eye. That's the other thing. Everyone's looking eye to eye. So people aren't even like there's this thing in improv, if you don't know about it, that's called it's like a warm up where you point to people and you say it's under a category. So let's say I pointed to you and I said, Captain Crunch, then you would point to someone and say Fruit Loops, right? They would point to someone and say Chex, whatever. OK, so I consistently would get pointed at like almost last, almost last. at like almost last almost always last and i started to like realize oh this is because everyone's standing in a circle and there's their line of vision it's not personal but they're just they physically can't i'm just they don't see me i'm not in their line of vision so it's like a lot

of hurdles to overcome and that's just comedy never mind like all the other things i talked about trying to raise a child and find a boyfriend and get a job and fucking go to the little doms but you know just whatever trying to eat a meal she just fucking wants lasagna little doms please let her get lasagna oh please if i wanted lasagna, I'd make it. That's but yes, but exactly. You know what I'm saying? I honestly think after like the next election or whatever, I don't even know when like L.A. elections are. I need to be better about that. But like, I don't know anything about politics, but Jackie Johnson's boyfriend is deeply into politics. johnson's boyfriend is deeply into politics i think you should try to set up to fucking have elected officials roll around in a wheelchair and see how fucking hard it is for the people like

the citizens who live in a place where they're helping govern like i think that's like just in your own little city hi jackie just in your own little city like whatever you know what i'm saying like i'm not asking them to roll around the world like far as gump style just in your little if you're gonna pretend you know anything about your city i don't know just try but then again it's like i know and it's true you can't get all of the information you need you can't go to every restaurant every store you can't like do that in one day but just if you've never i don't think people realize that it's still a problem you know many people say to me you know like if we go to a restaurant or something together or a dispensary or a fucking all these places people have been complaining that they can't go to because of covid

tattoo parlor hairdresser whatever and i'm just like oh hi welcome to my fucking life you know many of these places i can't go to ever pandemic or not because there's two steps to get in and two steps for me you might as well put a mountain i i don't you know what i mean i can't get up two steps on my own so um but if i'm with somebody a lot of times they'll say to me like isn't this illegal and i'm just like yeah it, it is. It's kind of, but is it Coke illegal? And I mean, I haven't done Coke, but I did smoke weed before it was legal.

So like, you know, everybody, people, whatever, things are illegal, things are illegal. People are, it doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't matter. I don't know. There's a, I don't think like even the wokest people are not realizing that this is

a really huge ongoing issue yeah it fucking sucks uh here's the question to just bounce away from the wheelchair talk okay what is your ideal uh partner what does that look like? Oh, okay. Great. So, um, so, you know, I've mentioned before, I'm like a Jersey girl, right? So I love, I come from, you know, a land of, um, dads and uncles who could fix stuff, you know what I'm saying? Guys who have a truck with their last name on the side. Right. So I love a guy who can fix something in the house i also uh as an italian woman love a guy who can cook you know i grew up with men cooking in the house whatever so i love those are like top two like great surprises for me if a guy can cook and fix stuff that like already I'm listening. And then funny. Funny and like a little bit of sarcasm, right?

I like sort of like, I don't, not corny. I hate corny. I hate trying too hard. I'm a dog person. Cats are okay. But I do like dogs, you know, better. I'm a little bit, I prioritize that a little more. I'm not discriminating against cat people.

I'm just saying. Yeah, I feel you. I'm more of a dog person than a cat person. Yeah. Okay. And I do think that there's a little bit of a personality distinction there. Let's see and i'd like a guy who um like isn't too like loves their mom but like not too much you know what i mean oh yeah absolutely especially when you're dealing with like italian men

they are mama's boys yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah once a check-in but maybe you don't send them a picture of every fucking meal you eat i think we've come to the end have we we have santina thank you so much for doing this oh uh fuck i always fucking forget this i usually ask all of my guests this but uh would you date me i mean at this point i would probably give it a try i don't yeah at this point i don't know i'm exhausted who am I to say no in these days honestly

maybe my favorite answer anyone has ever given a long pause throwing their hands up in the air and going yeah I don't know I don't know anything anymore I'm exhausted. My God, that really, really fucking got me. Oh, I fucking love that.

Well, if you like this, do you have anything you want to promote? Do you have anything you want to promote? Just, you know, rolling with my homies, coming to an earbud near you. I don't know. I love it. Thank you, Santina. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can like it on iTunes.

You can rate it five stars or one star. Who really cares? But if you send me something nice hitting on me, I will read it. This person said, I want to dress up in a pair of matching feety pajamas with you and have five minutes of missionary style where all we do is zip down the front and leave the rest on, followed by us getting really naughty and sharing a jello cup together in bed instead of the kitchen table while mom isn't none the wiser in the other room teehee well that wasn't as much nasty as you have a fetish and that is very specific and strange but thank you bye This has been a Team Coco production.