Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dead Mom Club (w/ Kate Spencer)

Episode Date: January 10, 2020

Kate Spencer (Forever 35 podcast, author of Dead Mom's Club) discusses Nicole Byer's mention in The Masked Singer, explains to Nicole what a "VSCO Girl" is, and discusses life after losing a parent. Nicole shares the advice she's got from Anthony Atamanuik that changed her life.Support the show! Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts with a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could rip all my hair out and call me a bald eagle, and I would still date you. Ooh, that one was dumb.

Oh, no, that was dark. I thank you. Ooh, that one was dumb. That was dark. Thank you. That voice you hear is the host of the Forever 35 podcast. And she's got a book called The Dead Moms Club. It's Kate Spencer. I'll see you perform at UCB. And you're wonderful. Oh, wow.

Geez. Thanks. Your podcast is so fun. You were a guest. I did get to do an episode. It was really great. It was so podcast is so fun. You were a guest. I did get to do an episode. It was really great. It was so fun having you on. Thank you.

I still think about it and laugh. Also, I really like your leggings. Oh, thanks. They're from one of my podcast sponsors, Fabletics. Ooh, Fabletics. Fabletics. I don't know if they sponsor this podcast, but they should. They should.

But they're really cute. Do they come in plus sizes? They do. Ooh. I believe Fabletics sizes? They do. Oh. I believe Fabletics is pretty size inclusive. Oh, okay. Good to know. Yeah.

Okay, so before we were recording, you said that your children, you have two adorable girls. Yes. And they had a question for me. They were like, Mom, you've got to ask Nicole. Because they are obsessed with you as we've established in the past. And the best thing about me is that i know you uh and they were like can you please ask nicole if she knows if she was mentioned on the mass singer and that they thought the penguin was nicole not only did i know i asked

for it to be added to my wikipedia page and then someone added it to my Wikipedia page. I don't think I've ever been brought more joy than that moment because that show is a fever dream and I really like it. Would you ever go on it? No, I can't sing. So it would be very bad. And I think very embarrassing for me, but the slow zooms on the audience chanting, take it off. And then on, it's strange. And then on the judges going, who is it? And then the, who is it? Going to commercial break. It makes me, it's like, it's an hour long sketch comedy video.

It's wild. It's so wild. And then the costumes are truly a treat. I can't, like, they're insane. Yeah, it's very weird. And my kids love it it but they don't know who any of the celebrities are and also like Robin Thicke made a

Monica Lewinsky joke and then my child repeated it and I was like do you know who Monica is and she was like no so it's just weird that they even enjoy it like they don't know who Sherri Shepherd is or that she has been a guest for almost every episode for the past few years.

Jenny McCarthy is like, Sherri Shepherd! It's obviously Sherri. And they'll be like, I'm a football player. She's like, Sherri Shepherd! It's so strange. And then it was finally Sherri Shepherd, and she didn't guess Sherri Shepherd. I know, and I think it was Jenny McCarthy who said you. Yes.

Yeah. Also, my kids call her Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg. Like, they call her by her first name. Yes. Yeah. My kids, also my kids call her Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg. Like they call her by her first name. I I Her full name. Really love that they're like

we can't have Wahlberg erasure here. No. She's married to Donnie. And they know who Donnie, yes. They've gotten like very into 80s culture.

That's adorable. How old are they? They're old now. They're nine and six but like full house, the original full house came into their lives this year.

Oh. And it like opened. And then also the newer Fuller House. And it's just like changed their understanding of pop culture. Do they like Fuller House? They love it. Oh, see, I really loved their original Full House. And the Fuller House just seems not complete.

Well, I mean, the original three dudes don't live in that. They're just kind of like tangential characters who float in and out. And then I was like, you don't have the Olsen twins. It's not the same. This isn't real for me. Also, I really like the cup you're drinking out of. It's very big. It's a 32-ounce hydro flask that I think is cool with VSCO girls,

which do you know what a VSCO girl is? No, but I feel like I keep seeing that written on the internet. Yes, it's a very hot topic for internet writers. It's like teen girls who walk around in Birkenstocks with a certain kind of bracelet, and they carry giant hydro flasks. And they also wear Crocs. I don't know what it is. I don't get it.

I'm 40. But this is my... How strange. It's my attempt to stay young. Huh. You do look young. Were you working out, or is this just a look? No, no.

I worked out today. What do you do for working out? Okay. I do all sorts of things. But today I did L.E.K. Fit, which is like a trampoline class. And if you follow Busy Phillips' Instagram, it's the thing she does every day. It's very intense. I really love L.A. because any type of workout you'd like to do, they have it.

It's like, you want to roll around and sweat with an elephant? Come to Santa Monica and you could do just that. And you'll burn 7,000 calories. You'll leave smaller than a peanut. It's so wild. It's so funny. It's so wild. Like I once took a class where we just like beat drumsticks on the floor.

That's what I mean. It feels made up. And you probably like were sweating and your arms probably hurt the next day it was genuinely challenging yeah I mean

this class the whole time I was doing it I was like why the fuck why do I think I should be here and it's very hard and you are literally just like

jumping on a tramp you know it's just I'd also I've had children and so I it's hard for me to jump on a tramp. You know, it's just I'd also I've had children. And so I it's hard for me to jump on a trampoline without peeing myself. Sure. So there's like a lot of that going on of just like, what if I pee myself?

Well, it's OK. You know, it's just my body. What if you wore like thinks underwear or like an absorbency something? You know, I could wear like a diaper you could wear a diaper and just be that interesting woman in class who makes noises as she jumps just with like a strange bulge i have things underwear do you think they work i i think it's like more than just if they work i think you have to be comfortable with like the free bleeding experience. Have you ever worn them?

No, I don't know if they come in my size. I don't know what their size range are. Size range are? Size range is? Size range is. Who knows? Who knows what the correct way of saying that is? I don't know.

I don't. It's not an experience that I loved, but like that I'm like, maybe I should get used to this and just like feel, feel my body for what it is. I don't really like a pad and I feel like it would be close to wearing a pad. We were just bleeding out. Yeah.

And it's like your whole underwear experience is a big pad. Ooh, I don't know if that's for me. But maybe I'll look into it. It might be fun. Give it a Google. I don't know. It might be fun. But maybe I'll look into it. It might be fun. Give it a Google. I don't know. It might be fun.

It might be just like a day you try it. You're staying at home. Yeah. So I just, but then I'm like, I don't want to bleed all over my couches. This is kind of, you won't. You won't. I'm not going to get them. Don't.

Don't do it. I don't have to. Take a stand. You don't. It's not the law. Not yet. Not yet. So you, you're a married lady. lady i am how long have you been married 11 years dang that's such a nice long time it is a long time and it's nice and

were you obviously you dated before you got married how many years were you dating before so we dated oh gosh we started my husband and I started dating in 2003 and we got married in 2008 so it's five years. So what felt like a long time at the time and I was 29 when we got married

which also felt old, quote unquote, and now feels like I was like a child bride. It feels very, very young to be married. Well, my therapist says that your brain isn't developed fully until you're like in your 30s.

That's why mental illnesses pop up in your late 20s, early 30s. Because your brain's not done yet. That's fascinating. I don't know if we're going to be bipolar yet. And at 30, it's like, we are. How does it feel? Not great not great that's interesting all my mental illness stuff popped up in my like late teens 20s oh no i guess early 20s i guess it did kind of develop oh geez yeah like early 20s mid-20s to like about like if you hit like 32

and you haven't discovered anything, more than likely you're in the fucking clear. This is how you are. You're fine. Or not fine. Your brain works differently than people whose brains need medication. It's hard to use vocabulary. That was a very.

Inclusive. Because when you have ADD, you're not like different or wrong or weird. It's just your brain works differently. Yeah. I like the way that you've put that I have OCD and chronic anxiety and my brain does work differently and maybe ADD but I've just been too lazy to go meet with the doctor to get tested my psychiatrist is like maybe here's a specialist and I'm like I'll just take the maybe and like live with that yeah yeah so uh Anthony my husband and I have have been married it's like it recently I was like oh this is a long time like we're people who have been together a long fucking time yeah and that is what it is yeah that's what a marriage is that's what a marriage

yeah and it's it's hard I could imagine being the same person for such a long time. And then actually, you're not with the same person for a long time. You're with a person who's growing and evolving and you're growing and evolving. And if you don't grow and evolve in the same way, I can imagine how fucking difficult that is. You know, in movies when they're like, you're not the man I married. And you're like, wow, she's dramatic. But it's like, no, no, she's actually like onto something because this person is a different person. she evolved.

And I think, I feel like we've been really lucky in that we have both evolved as people, but also like the thing that originally made me adore him is still there. And that's what I think keeps a marriage going is like, we're still able to connect in the way that like when we were, when I was 23 and he was 27 and we were just like dumb and running around New York. Like that still that that sensation and that connection is still there. How did you guys you met at UCB? We met and like a meet cutish improv comedy way.

Like he saw me in a show and then I went to one of his shows and one of the person taking the tickets was like my friend thinks you're cute he's about to perform and then i watched a group of all men perform trying to figure out which one it was and like there were definitely two who were wearing shorts in the winter you know that type of uh yeah yeah comedian uh and then we became, like, friendly after, but I was very dumb and very young and didn't understand, like, dating or when people liked you.

And I was also kind of going through my first, like, first and only, like, what's it called? Rum Springer. Oh. You know what I mean? Are you Amish? Not yet. But I had that. Look,

my life is still young. But I, you know, I was like moved to New York, broke up with my college boyfriend and had like a year and a half or two years of just like, I'm making out with a random stranger. So I met him kind of at the tail end of that phase of my life. And then we started dating when I was like 23, 24. did he ask you out or did you ask him out he asked me out do you remember how yes we were at a this is a very long story well we have okay I mean I know it's a podcast we were at a uh back in the early aughts of UCB there were these things called company parties that people threw it this was somebody's it was like john daly's birthday party slash a company party where everybody had like a corporate title nothing made sense i mean it was the aughts it was like at a bar downtown and there was someone

at the party um who had given themselves the title the director of hookups. And this guy was also hitting on me. So he came over and asked me if there was anybody I was interested in. And I said no because I was trying to not engage this person in like a sexy way. And then he reported that to my husband. And then my husband was just like, fuck it, and came up and asked me out. That makes sense. It does make sense. It's kind of a shorter version of a long, weird, drunk night.

It is very funny that a bunch of 20-year-olds were like, I'm the director of Hooking Up. It's so lame. I'm going to make these people fuck. And then we'll do whippets, and it's going to be cool. Yeah, improv is truly the lamest thing I think I've ever done in my life. And I adore it. I do too.

I love doing improv. But I just think about my early 20s and I'm like, yeah, we partied pretty hard, but maybe the dorkiest kind of way? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. But it was like a very, for me, it felt very,

that time of my life was very exciting because I had never been around so many like funny, brilliant, weird people before. And it, it just felt like we were doing the coolest shit in the world. Again,

it was very dorky, very dorky, exciting, but it was very cool. I remember seeing, um, just like, like the stepfathers or like

this is very inside baseball but like older teams in New York I would see and I would watch you perform or watch Anthony perform and you would just be like my God how is everyone so smart and quick and brilliant and you'd see like Death by Ruru and you'd be like oh

boy I want that I want to do that and then it felt it does there's no feeling like being on a stage making shit up and then having a crowd like laugh at the thing that you just like said it's very powerful and like very ego boosting yeah yeah and then when you fail in that same space it's it's destructive yes and then um for those who don't know so UCB has teams called Herald teams you put on a Herald team and then you make up a half hour show and then get notes on it after yeah which always felt counterintuitive because I was like so you're

gonna note something that I'm never gonna ever do again and that wasn't even recorded so like I don't actually remember what you're saying to me right that I'm never going to ever do again? And that wasn't even recorded? So like, I don't actually remember what you're saying to me right now? Yes, that we're doing for fun. Yeah. But it felt so, it was so serious. I took it so seriously. Oh, so did I. And I still feel like deeply passionate about it.

And Anthony and I were on the same improv team. Yes. Yeah, which is like a... Wait, which team was that? We were on a team called Reuben Williams together. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, Reuben Williams. That then became something else. Well, here...

But you guys still do shows here. We do, but we're called Reuben Starship. Yeah. It's always a bit. Was dating an improviser who was doing similar things to you hard? And did you ever feel like you were in competition with each other? Well, this is, again, very inside baseball. So I apologize to any non-improviser listening.

But to get on the aforementioned Herald teams, you had to audition. Yes. And then if you made it past that, you got a callback. And Anthony and I were in the same callback group. And this was about a month before we started dating. We did all our scenes together. And he got put on the team and I did not. And we had made a deal that when we found out,

we would call each other and he found out and knew I didn't get on and didn't call me because he felt bad. But I survived. Honestly, that's very sweet. Yes. So that is, but I don't know, like we don't work together.

Like I will read some of, he and I are both writers work together. I will read some of his. He and I are both writers now. And I will read some of his work and give thoughts. And he'll read some of my work. But we've never collaborated on work. And I don't think it would be good for our relationship. And I think that's really great to set up healthy boundaries. Because there's nothing wrong with not wanting to work with your significant other.

I guess. I'm so impressed by all these significant, significant others who do work together. Yeah. But you don't know the ins and outs of it. Like you don't know if like one goes to sleep at night being like, if I could kill him and not go to jail, but still have our script produced,

I would do that. So I, yeah, you don't know what that person's feeling. Also fun fact. So Shira and I, when we auditioned for Harold Knight, we also did our scenes all together. Shut up.

And then neither of us got on. Which, but also goes to show, like, for that experience to be a measure of, like, what your success is going to be in the comedy world. Like, it's not, look how far you and Sash like gone it's you know so anyway i mean we finally got on yeah you did you made it finally it was really nice um did you are you like a serial monogamist um have you like jumped from relationship to relationship? No, I was like, my first boyfriend I had at 17. I went to an all-girls school. I did not feel comfortable around boys.

Then I fell in love with my first boyfriend. And I was literally in my brain thought we were going to get married. You know, like I was so. I think thought we were going to get married. You know, like I was. I think everybody thinks that. Oh, my God. You'll meet someone in high school and they'll be your high school sweetheart. You'll get married. You'll have 20 children and be great.

God, how fucking. I mean, listen, if that's your life, good for you. That would have not been right for me. So, yes. And then I dated the same person for three and a half years in college. And then when I moved to New York, like I said, I had my brief room spring up where I like kind, I had for me what was like a promiscuous life, but I've always been very, I don't think prudish is the appropriate word, but like a little guarded when it comes to intimacy. So like I had a few I had like, you know, I took a couple lovers, but like it was always I think I always operate from like a place of fear to like, I don't know if that's just my background. But like I was always certain either like someone was going to murder me or, you know, like when I started sleeping with my high school boyfriend, we were both virgins. I was on the birth control pill and we used condoms. Like, do you know what I mean?

Like I kind of existed from a place of fear when it came to my sexuality in my like teens and early 20s. We're very opposite in that aspect. I know. I truly am like, I dare you to try to kill me. I dare you to try to impregnate me. I won't do anything preventative, but I dare you. I wonder what that is, though, because it is like the other side of the pendulum, right?

Well, I personally think it's, we've both lost our moms. My mom died when I was 16, and I think after she died my brain went well we're all gonna die yeah throw caution to the wind and truly act like a feral cat like i was just doing things that truly made zero sense and friends would be like yeah like anthony atamanik one day sat me down and was like nicole you gotta live a little bit better you gotta not come to work hungover like this anymore you have to just do

better because you're too talented to live like this wow and anthony is a wild boy who's done a lot of wild things and then i was like oh no this wild man is telling me to chill out, I better fucking chill out. Did you take his advice? Later. Later, later, later, when a friend brought it up again and was like, so maybe you don't drink as much and maybe you don't take as many risks in your life. And do you think that all connects back to losing your mom at a young age? Yeah. Yeah.

I think, yeah, I think I lost my mom and then was like, well, and then me and my dad weren't super close. So I just felt like this person who was like untethered. Yes, that was the word that was literally just in my head. Untethered, completely. And sometimes I still feel like that now, but I know that I have like so many beautiful friends

who do tether me to this earth who do love me and validate me as just like a person in the world as opposed to a performer in the world and then after my dad died I fully was like oh if you act like a crazy person like years after he died like me three or four years I was like no one's coming to bail you out if you get arrested again you have to you have to be a productive member of society who does things other than improv shows you have to do things it's hard yeah it's very really it's really strange in which the way in which grief and loss connects to like how we experience partners and put ourselves out there sexually and physically. I mean, it's just, for me, my mom died when I was 27.

So I was already dating Anthony at the time. And he was actually an amazing like partner to go through that with. He had lost his mom four years earlier. So he like knew the drill. So I don't know if I have as much of a connection to, like, I mean, I definitely drank a lot after my mom died. And then also tried to control my world by basically just going on Weight Watchers and losing a ton of weight and having a really fucked up, disordered eating situation. Well, yeah, you just grasp at straws as to like what can you control yes what can you tether with i think maybe i was trying to control being wild like if i was the wildest fucking

person then it's okay and if bad things happen it's okay because i was acting poorly yeah well there's like a freedom in acting wild like like you are, you are like pushing the button of mortality a little bit. Yeah. I guess maybe I was just like, take me now. Who knows? Here you are. Here I am.

It didn't work. I'll never die. I do feel like I'll live forever, which maybe isn't the best way to live. No, that's where all my anxiety comes from. We have to take a break. comes from.

We have to take a break. Oh, we're back. Do you have siblings? I do have a brother. How old is he? He's three years younger than me. Oh,

okay. Was he affected when your mom died? Yes, totally. Yes, we both were. We both quit our jobs and moved home. Oh, her. Although I had like a weird thing where I would go to New York and like host this at a restaurant on the weekends and do my improv show and then take the bus back to Boston

where my family lived. My brother quit his job completely and moved home. He was, he was younger. So he was 23, 24 when she got sick. And we both just, like, my mom had cancer, and it was a very clear diagnosis of, like, you're going to die fast. Because it was pancreatic cancer, which, man, Alex Trebek really rocking out the pancreatic cancer. I'm such a cynic about pancreatic cancer, but he has it. He's still going strong. He's still hosting jeopardy still he's

fucking out there yeah so that gives me i always like you know i look for the people with pancreatic cancer uh so yeah we both moved home and were there when our mom died and it was really intense and weird and great that's fucking nuts nobody. Death? Nobody explains it to you? No. It's just a thing you have to experience? It's fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's always, I feel like even if you know it's coming, it's sudden. Because suddenly they're not there. And you're like, oh. Yes. It was very, and it took me, I mean, years to really like get used to the fact that my mom wasn't alive anymore. And even still to this day, I'm like, beep, bop, boop. Like, I'm going to call my mom. And then it's like, no, she's been dead for 13 years.

Yeah, I think I'm 33 or 34. Didn't you just have a birthday? Yes. I refuse to actually remember it. You said the same. I was listening to an episode of this podcast recently, and on it you were like, I'm about to turn 33 or 34. I don't know. Don't know.

So maybe I'm 39. But this year's the year that I've been alive longer without my mom than knowing my mom. And I was like, that feels insane. And then losing both my parents. My sister was affected in a way where she she is a very closed door person where you really have to knock hard at that door for her to open it. And I'm a little bit like that, although my door is like a little like there's a sliver

and I'm like, hello, I might let you in. But yeah, dating has been hard because I'm like, well, if I date you and get to know you and you just go away, then what was the point? Ooh. Go away, like leave, like break up with me or actually die. Well, break up. Yeah. Break up to me is kind of like death. Fuck.

That's. But it's a death in a way where you still exist in the world. Which is infuriating. Yes. And it makes me actually angry to think about the ways in which a loss like this can then impact your relationships for the rest of your life. Like, it's fucking—it's unfair, you know what I mean? And it's something like losing a parent. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. It affects every part of your life okay so have you had a relationship where you haven't felt that way

um I've only had like one relationship where I was like pretty vulnerable and told this person a lot of stuff and then we didn't end up working out and then I was like huh well I'll text you I'm gonna keep texting you until we figure out why this didn't work which was fully insane and my therapist was like I understand why you're doing it and then I asked him recently to be on the podcast and he was like no uh truly cannot think of a more terrifying thing. And I had texted him. I was like, come to my podcast. It'd be really fun to have someone who never liked me on because I wanted him to say that he did like me, which was like an insane thing.

No, it's not. And I said it. And my therapist, Mary, was like, well, you know what you were doing, right? And I was like, yes. I was being very devious and trying to get an answer that I wanted to hear. And then he was like, seems like a nightmare. Don't want to do it.

But like, happy to talk to you if you don't think I liked you because I did or something to that effect. And I was like, that didn't make me feel good either. I don't know what I was looking for. Then I was like, delete his number. Just delete it. It's fine.

What are you keeping this number for? To scroll up and read texts from when you were okay? That's not helpful. So then I deleted it and then was also driving and was like, what have I done? Wait, you deleted it while driving? Yes, which is like not good. It's okay. I should not be on my phone.

And then I was driving on the 101. I was like, ah, but you'll never get the number back. I fully had a little meltdown until I was like you're fine this is fine this is a nice step that you took wow good holy shit that's a big deal yeah and then I went through my phone after I parked I went through my phone and deleted all the numbers of the gentleman I no longer speak to and probably will never speak to again. Wow, that's awesome. Why are you holding on to all of this? And I'm trying to clear my love house because 2020, I'm going to meet somebody and it's going to be great.

I keep saying, I've been saying it for about like eight months now. I'm like, 2020, it's going to be really good. You, I mean, I don't know. I think that is a really wonderful purge thank you they were good well no not in the moment but later now it feels good yeah because they were taking up space in your life that they didn't deserve anymore yes so that your love house can be clean you basically saged your love house yes and now it's open and ready for somebody else to come in. Yes. And he's going to be a real dream. I can't wait.

He's going to be a treat. I can't wait. Can I ask? You have two kids. Yes. Did having kids, because I don't get to interview very many people with children. Oh, really? Okay.

Yeah. I don't know why. It's not on purpose. But having kids does like change a relationship. What is my question? Did having kids make having a relationship harder? Because now it's three people that you deal with? Yes.

It makes it hard on like on so many levels. It also makes it, it also changes it in really great ways. And like you get to see, or at least in my experience, like I got to see my partner in this whole new way. And like now he's off with our kids in Santa Barbara for the night. And he surprised them with like a train trip to Santa Barbara. And he was like, I was like, I have to go do Nicole's podcast. He's like, will you feel sad if you can't come?

And I was like, no, like everybody get out. Get out of here. I love you all, but like go to the ocean. But he, you know, it's really wonderful to get to see this person that you love, you know, take on this new role. And, but it also does, yes, it completely changes everything. It changes your relationship to yourself, to your body, to your mental health. I mean, so it's you, then it's your relationship to your spouse. Then you've got these new humans that are in your life that like you have to guide through the world. It's crazy and it's exhausting and it's rewarding. But like in terms of my relationship with my

husband, one thing we do is we try to go away alone. Obviously, yes, it's bone time, but it's just nice to be together and not be also multitasking a nine-year-old and a six-year-old's needs. So whenever my in-laws come to town or even my dad, we often just go away for the night, and that has been a very positive thing for our relationship I like that my dear friend who um she's got a kid and then her husband has a kid

and they do I think like maybe two or three trips a year without them wow which I think is like kind of short trips and I was like oh maybe that's the key to like having a successful family dynamic is just like getting the fuck away from your kids sometimes. It's like you love them, but like kids are a lot of work. Yeah. And I think you have to establish like boundaries with your kids, whether they know that's what's happening or not. Like you have to like claim time for yourselves as a couple and as a unit that doesn't involve them. And it's so great to do stuff as a family like i love doing stuff all the four of us it's a blast but like also it's nice just to be with anthony like not talking

about who's gonna like make dinner and who's gonna you know do homework with somebody and all that kind of shit it's nice to like just remember why we like fell in love fucking a hundred years ago. It was so sweet. I love it. We were such little babies. When was your relationship official? Do you remember? Like, do you remember?

Was there a conversation or was it just like, oh boy, we now live together in this wild? Well, we did move in together very quickly in my opinion. But no, I remember talking out and and I think he was kind of more ready to be in a relationship and I was still like what am I doing with my life um but we moved in together I think after a year of dating oh see I don't think that's that no it felt quick I feel like a couple months is rather quick but then also I'm of the school move in with somebody whenever you want because you can always move out yes you can always adjust your living situation i i i think like give it a few months to make sure it's someone who you like you can be in a healthy relationship with and then yeah go for it i mean our rent got significantly cheaper so much cheaper

a real treat in new york city splitting that rent on a one bedroom or maybe a studio. It was a studio. It was a studio in Chelsea, but we got to move to Chelsea. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Get to be right next to the theater. That's where we were. I mean, just always bringing it back to that improv.

Gotta love improv. Well, he ran the theater too, so it was very convenient for our dorky lives. Fun fact. Sometimes, back in the day, I would call Anthony. ran the theater too so it was very convenient for our dorky lives fun fact sometimes uh back in the day i would call anthony improv daddy and anytime like i saw anthony laugh i'd be like daddy's happy oh that makes me so happy because like i very much respected his opinion because i thought he was so funny and i thought he curated the theater in a way that i was like oh man everything that's happening is so good daddy must be pleased with me he's happy you could tell him i said that he does have a stern daddy vibe dare i say zaddy? Do you know what a zaddy is? A zaddy, yeah.

Is a zaddy like an old, hot dad? It's, I would say, a man who's in his mid to late 40s. Okay. Who's very, very handsome. You're like, ooh, ooh, he's more than a daddy. He's a zaddy.

He's a zaddy, okay. Mm-hmm. All right. Yeah, then he could be a zaddy. Yeah, he counts. Yeah. I'll call him. I'll text him that later.

He's going to be very confused. Never explain it. Nope, nope. Just be like, ooh, that's my zaddy. Yeah, he counts. Yeah. I'll call him. I'll text him that later. He's going to be very confused. Never explain it. Nope, nope. Just be like, oh, that's my zaddy. I'm like, what are you talking about? Mm, zaddy. Zaddy has questions. Zaddy.

Let's see. So you had relationships in high school, in college. Then you had your Rumspringa. relationships in high school in college then you had your rumspringa um what's the not the worst so okay you never did apps or anything no because i've been with my husband since 2003 yep so like the excitement i feel when my friend like a friend who's single hands over their phone and lets me go through their app it It is the thrill of my fucking life. That's so funny because it's so exhausting and so sad every time I open the app. I'm sure like if experiencing it from a dating point of view, I can't like, for me, it's fun just being like, Oh, I swipe right. That they're going to find out

like, Ooh, but for an, an, for an actual way of having to put yourself out there and meet people, I imagine it's exhausting as hell. Yeah. And I'm leaning away from doing it. Okay. I just, I don't really have the time to do it per se. And I've just, I recently have had two of the dumbest conversations with somebody. So this guy messaged me and then I replied a couple months later because I I don't know. I just hadn't opened Tinder in a while.

And then I responded. We started talking. I was like, oh, what a treat. This is going well. And he was like a thousand miles away or something like that. And I said, oh, when are you back in L.A in LA he says oh I tour with uh this band I'm in I don't really come to LA that often and uh I said well where do you live he was like uh Oregon I said oh I'm in Portland a lot and he was like okay when are you in Portland next I tell him he's like ah man I'm on tour and I was like

okay cool uh we're never going to meet. Why are we talking? What was the point? Did you ask him? No, and I don't know how, I guess I don't care what his point was. Yeah, it was just fully pointless. I was like, this is just a conversation to get to know our geographical regions. I don't care. Just pinpoint where we are.

So then have you had success just meeting people in real time? No, not really. Because when I'm touring, I'm tired a lot. I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so like the last, I was just,

uh, I did Philly, New York, Boston. So I was on a plane every day. So I was like, I'm not going to go out to a bar and then be hung over and then have to get on a plane and then have to work out of a hangover to do a show. And then when I do a weekend in a town,

sometimes if you go to a bar that's like close to your hotel or the club, you just run into people who saw the show. And then you don't know what people's intentions are or they're just like a little weird. And then I do get propositioned a lot. Like at my I did a live episode of Why Won't You Date Me in Boston. I did a live episode of Why Won't You Date Me in Boston, and some of the questions at the Q&A at the end of the podcast were like, want to join my threesome? And I'm like, no, I don't.

And then it's a very weird thing where I'm like, oh, you want me to publicly reject you? Oh, God. I don't. I've never heard of someone just asking a person to do a threesome and then them saying, ah, I've been waiting for that question all day. I was going through my Saturday being like, who's going to invite me to the threesome tonight? Oh, you. Thank you.

Let's do it. It's a very transactional thing. That's insane. It would be insane if I went. Yes, please. That's not real. And then went off and did it. That's insane.

No. And I got asked, I think, two or three times. Also, do you feel like there's, like, is it frustrating? Because you're famous and these people who are asking you are your fans. Like, they're there because they like you. Is it a little bit like you just start looking at me like I'm a novelty hookup a little bit? Yes. And it would be not that I like think highly of myself, but it would be a story for them. Yes.

Yes. Where for me, it's like, oh, I'm just really I'd like to connect with somebody. Just want to be held and hold someone. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but what I'm truly looking for is someone I can sit on a couch with, I've said it before, but what I'm truly looking for is someone I can sit on a couch with, not say a word while watching TV and then be like, that was funny. And they're like, yes, that was funny. And then we go back to being quiet. And then maybe my phone beeps because he sent me a meme.

I go, ha ha ha, that was a funny meme. Then we go back to being quiet. And then when I'm on the road, I get to call him and tell him about my day. He tells me about his day. And we just are fundamentally interested in each other. Yeah. And that's what I'm on the road, I get to call him and tell him about my day. He tells me about his day. And we just are fundamentally interested in each other. And that's what I'm truly looking for. I was like, I could have more bad sex with random strangers, but I don't think I'm interested in that. So in your, like, quest for a partner, will you be celibate?

I don't think I'll be celibate. I think if something happens organicallyically then I'm fully into that um but I don't think I'm gonna be like on the prowl as much anymore and I think I'm okay with that because I haven't been on the prowl for I spent a couple months on the road being like oh I'm gonna I'm gonna try for it tonight and it just didn't go well any of the way. Or out of three attempts, one was good. Okay. Okay. Which is a terrible odd. One out of three is pretty good.

But it was pretty exhausting, you know? It's a lot of energy. The one that actually worked, we talked for so long and I didn't know if it was going to actually happen. And I was like, I don't know how to just be like, can we fuck her? Like, what is happening? So I was like, I don't have the time. I don't have the stamina to do this um but yeah I am I think I'm okay being celibate for a little bit I just bought a new vibrator yes what did you get I think the company's called Linda's dog wait what really uh-huh and I

read some of the reviews last night on uh when I did the live podcast but it's a so a friend of mine told me about this uh vibrator called a womanizer i have one so it's a womanizer with a g-spot thing connected to it so you can make the g-spot vibrate and the clit sucker suck and then sometimes you hit too many buttons and you fall out of your bed. Holy shit. Linda's dog. Uh huh. And Linda's dog, Linda's dog. The reviews on it are like, um,

I died. I was resurrected. I don't go to therapy anymore. Um, I'm the happiest person in America. Uh, I don't need a man ever again. Uh,

I walked side to side for a week. Um, so the first time, and this was not the first time I saw reviews for this vibrator, but when I tried to buy it, it was sold out. I couldn't find it anywhere. But now it's back in stock on amazon.com.

Oh my goodness. And it's honestly just a real treat. And I was like, well, I could just not have a partner for now and use this vibrator until some nice person walks into my life. And I fully know that someone's not going

to just walk in I do have to do a little bit of work yeah but then also maybe someone will just walk into my life I think that's possible yeah and I will say I love your description of what your ideal relationship is and I feel like that is what my husband I still have which is like why we're still married you know what I mean like because it is really hard being with somebody for a long time and you do go through a lot of shit but like at the end of the day we can hang out and make each other laugh and be quiet and not have it be stressful and it's so that is it is a really lovely feeling if that is what you are looking for in your life to have a partner like that absolutely totally I think nothing more nightmarish than being with someone

and being like I have to figure out something to say to them. Oh God. Because being silent with them makes me feel like they're going to lean over and pick my nose. I don't know. I don't know. Something weird is going to happen. And so you're just trying to have the conversation keep going. And that seems awful.

Yeah. I once lived with a person where I was like I guess I was your day and then everything they said back to me would be just as exhausted yeah and they didn't want to be speaking to me either it was just awful I really love this person it's like you don't really care no they don't really care yes yeah you have to care I was like why are we all doing this? This is awful. When my mom died, my dad started dating again, and I was trying to get him to date on apps. I don't think Tinder was around, but like, you know, like OkCupid or whatever.

Like eHarmony. Yes, exactly. And he refused. And he met my stepmom at dance class. Oh. Yep. Wait, what kind of dance class was he taking? Dance?

He was, no. I wish. That'd be fun. Because let me tell you, he is a almost 70 year old man from Boston. So no, he was secretly taking dance classes so that he would be prepared for my wedding for our father daughter dance. Oh boy, that is so sweet. He's the best. Yeah, it was real weepy when he told me.

What a real treat my dad god bless rest in peace would never i would be lucky if he showed up to my wedding to walk me down the aisle my dad was the least social person really yeah i think he was just like what's the point of talking to someone if i don't give a fuck about that person? And he cared very deeply about some people, but truly, like my mom is a very social person, and she would have people over from the church, and she loved a big old Easter dinner. And she just loved it.

She loved entertaining. And then my dad would just be upstairs until the last minute, and then he'd be like, I have to talk to these people so what what do you think connected the two of them I don't know my mother was a very very magnetic person who you could hear her laugh truly from down the street and she had this big smile on her face all the time and she looked like um a cartoon she was a short a short round woman who was like loud and like truly walked with her arms open to be like give it to me i want to hug amazing she was the best and uh my dad was like a pretty stoic person who if you hung around long enough to actually hear him talk,

was very funny. And I didn't know he was a funny person until maybe three months before he died. Holy shit. I'm glad you found out, though. Yeah, it was so wild. Because I would pop in. I was living in New York.

He was in Jersey. So I would just pop in on the weekends sometimes. And sometimes I'd tell him. Sometimes I wouldn't. And I calmed down a little bit and would start listening to him tell stories and I'd be like oh he's a genuinely funny person and I guess we're a little too similar so that's why we didn't vibe very well together but uh then I started doing ridiculous things and he would enjoy them uh so

like my favorite thing to do was uh i had to park at the end of the driveway so he could get his car out and i would walk in slow motion to him screaming papa and uh he would go why are you doing this and i'd be like papa he'd be like please stop him papa he'd be like i don't like it and it was just like he understood the comedy in the bit yeah and then he would be saying i don't like it and it was just like he understood the comedy in the bit yeah and then he would be saying i don't like it with a smile on his face he did like it yeah he loved it uh so we just started to understand each other later and then maybe he didn't like me because i reminded him of my mother so i think like after she died i think we just truly yeah had that like yeah and like i, I remember one time I was like, was I adopted? Because I don't really look like anybody in my family.

But the older I get, the more I look like my mom. And he went, adopted? No. Look at your thighs. You have your mother's thighs. And I was like, what a wild thing to say to a person. But I do have, I am my mother from my neck to my knees. Not your face.

Well, my face slowly is starting to look more like her later like since like I'll go to Chicago and my aunts will be like you look just like Bonnie like this is getting

crazy wait a second neck to your knees who is your knee to your foot so knee to foot I am my aunt Sharon oh my god

she's knock-kneed and I'm knock-kneed me too are you yes it's a really way to be it's a very strange thing And my aunt Sharon. Oh, my God. She's knock-kneed and I'm knock-kneed. Me too. Are you? Yes. It's a really way to be. It's a very strange thing that happens to your body. I look very strange in photos where you can see it.

Yes. It's very weird. Yeah. And I try to like move my legs around so you don't notice it as much. But it's very strange. And whenever someone's like, Nicole, from behind, I'm like, how did they know it was me? I was like, oh, because your legs are insane. I've never noticed that about your legs.

Yeah, they're very, I'm very, very knock-kneed. Oh, and if you don't know what knock-kneed is, it means your knees touch. No matter how much weight you lose, your knees will always touch. And then your calves kind of go out in a V. Yeah, your legs look like X's essentially. Yes. Like from the outside. Oh,

it's a very strange affliction to have. My second child has it very severely. Oh, does she? Oh yeah. It's very like, I see it so deeply. It's just how her,

I think my dad, like it's just weird genetics. You, Aunt Sharon. Mm-hmm. My mother wasn't knock-kneed, but she had a big old butt. She was five foot two,

but if she sat down next to you, she was taller than you. No matter how tall you were. She just rose up on her butt? Because her butt was just so big. Oh. And I got a big old butt. But yeah, I wish I like,

when I do finally get into a relationship, it bums me out that I won't be able to like call my mom and be like, Mom, guess what? Somebody fucks me and loves me call my mom and be like, mom, guess what? Somebody fucks me and loves me. Because she would be like, oh, Nicole, do you have to speak like that? But I'm so happy for you.

That is, I mean, that is a really fucking real part of grief. And I feel like it shows itself in new parts of your life. Like as you get older and more things happen and you're like, I'm going to call my mom and tell her, yeah, like tell her I'm getting the dicking of my life. And you can't. And it's really annoying. It sucks. Very annoying. It's more annoying than like sad because you're like, ah, yes, yes. I feel annoyed about it. I'm like angry about it all the time. I mean, do you like if this gets too woo, let me know. But are you do you ever just like speak out loud to your mom? Do you have any spiritual connection in that way sometimes sometimes if something really great happens and i'm like just so excited about it uh when i'm alone at night i will talk to her yeah

her and my dad i'll be like i feel like you want to know too. You too. But I truly talked to them the way I would if they were still here. Yeah. Because my dad, I told this on an NPR thing. It's still funny to me. The audience didn't really like it. But my dad, when we started like kind of understanding each other, I had started taking improv. And I was like, can you come to the city and see my graduation show?

Because he hated New York, would never come. The way he dropped me off at college was he put everything in my room and kissed me on the cheek and said bye-bye and I thought he was coming back upstairs and he had left oh my god he hated New York so I said daddy please come to my graduation show and he said okay fine and then he died midway through me taking my first set of classes and uh the joke I said, my dad would rather die than watch his daughter do object work. And that NPR crowd did not like it. Too dark for them. That was just a little.

But it made me laugh really hard. It still does. That makes me laugh. I was just like, yeah. I also love, I love fucking Gallo's humor so much. Like my mom and I, she knew she was going to die before I ever got married. So we like talked about my wedding and she told me to sprinkle her ashes, have the flower girl sprinkle her ashes down the aisle,

which I think is so funny. And I tell people who, I think that's really funny. She had such, my mom had a really good sense of humor and was very dark and funny. And like people are horrified when I tell them that. And I think it's fucking hilarious also fyi we didn't do it you should buried her ashes in like a weird can in new

hampshire uh my mom is buried in the backyard of my old house in new jersey no way it was insane that i'm like some child's playing on my dead mom yeah like that is crazy i mean i don't want to say that is crazy but that feels crazy no it's insane but we should have put it somewhere else where was a cemetery plot not an option well she was she didn't have a will um and my dad wanted to cremate her because i think he thought it was like ghoulish to like visit a grave uh so we cremated her and then when she came also no one tells you that your loved one comes in a cardboard box and then in like a plastic thing that you cannot open and you will get them everywhere you're just gonna have a dead person just just yeah bits of them in under your

fingernails and on your clothes uh and then my grandparents were there and we're all like, where do we put her? I don't know. My dad was like, in the backyard. So we just sprinkled her over these bushes. Oh, so you sprinkled her. Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. We put her over these bushes that she couldn't get to grow.

And then they blossomed. Did they really? Yeah. Oh, my God. See, I love shit like that. And then never blossomed again. That's beautiful. And then my dad, we sprinkled him in Sandy Hook along the beach, which is illegal.

But it's like a bike path that he took. And I was the one who did it. And as soon as I dumped those ashes, a gust of wind came and my mouth was open. And I don't think I've seen my grandmother laugh harder. And it was truly a full-blown nightmare uh but yeah cremation is such a it's creepy it's weird I have my cat my dead cat in my house like I want to be I want to be cremated and then put in an urn and I want to just like live with my family ah in an urn I have uh a will where the woman who notarized my trust or whatever, she was like, you cannot force people to do things for money.

And I said, can I force people to do things for no money? And she was like, I mean, you can put it in your will and have it notarized. But like, oh, my God, you can't force people to do anything. And I was like, cool, great. I'll type it up. You can't force people to do anything. And I was like, cool, great, I'll type it up. So I have a very long list of things that people are expected to do after I die.

Do they know? Yes, I've told them all, but I haven't told them specifically what they have to do. That sounds like a fun adventure. A fun mystery. And then my poor sister, she's got to do stuff, and she's never wanted to do one thing in her life. Oh, poor baby. She's always like, not that I'm too much, but I'm too much for her.

Sometimes I feel like I've ruined her life. She was a, not was, she's a very quiet person. And she was born a year and a half before me. Life was great. My mom was told she couldn't have any more kids. Guess start a raw dog. And then I was like, yo, baby, I'm here. Oh, shit. And then she never really got to speak again.

Once I started speaking, I would speak for her. And even now, my grandmother would be like, are you guys hungry? And she'll look at me and I'll be like, tell her. And then it's because years, it was like 20 years or 30 years because I didn't realize I was doing this till a couple of years ago. 30 years of like this girl never being able to answer a question. And you just talking for her. And did she finally like address it with you?

Yeah, I guess there was a turning point. So I'm not need, one of my legs is longer than the other one. So I bump into people if I don't pay attention. And we were in the mall once and I bumped into her and I said, Catherine, God, stop running into me. And she went, it's you.

It's you. You run into me. One of your legs is longer than the other one and you walk in circles sometimes. It made me laugh because I was like, oh, you've been holding this in for how many years? Oh my goodness. But yeah, she's a good egg. I tried to get her to do my live show in Chicago

and she fundamentally had a breakdown. She was like, nobody wants to hear me. Why would I ever? No, I have things to do. Goodbye show in Chicago and she fundamentally had a breakdown she was like nobody wants to hear me why would I ever no I have I have things to do goodbye I was like okay does she have a partner no she is uh currently single and ready to mingle she is too she's on the apps she's looking she's um uh she's you know working with her boundary issues uh yeah and I think it's going well but sometimes she'll be like so I have to go on a date with this guy and I guess I have to go I'm like you don't have to go like like tinder is gonna get mad if she's gonna be so mad your rating will go down yeah I think it's um we have a hard time finding people that we're like willing to invest time in.

Because a lot of people are bad. I think most people are not worth the time. Yeah. Especially as we get older, it's like, ugh. Oh, yeah. It's like I have very limited time. I got to spend it with somebody who's quality. Yes. I have faith that there's a person floating around who's going to just walk in one day.

Okay, thank you. I don't know. I mean, not to be, again, a woo person, but I just feel like, well, like my stepmom, my stepmom and my dad are married now, obviously, if I'm calling her my stepmom, but she had never married anyone.

She'd had a series of long-term relationships and I don't want to speak about her because, you know, she's a private citizen. But like, I just think sometimes your person comes later want to speak about her because, you know, she's a private citizen. But like, I just think sometimes your person comes later in life. Sometimes they come,

you know, and like my dad and my mom got married when they were 20 and 21 and were together until my mom died. And then he tried to date, which was nuts.

And then, you know, he found my stepmom and like that was it again for him. I don't know. I just think. Yeah, sometimes. Somebody's going to float in. That happens for people. Yeah. My dad started dating after my mother died mom and like that was it again for him i don't know i just think yeah sometimes sometimes somebody's gonna float in that happens for people yeah my dad started dating after my mother died and he

didn't tell us oh boy this woman left this very erotic message to him on the answer machine and i found it then i made katherine listen to it and she was so upset the whole time and then i was like i'm gonna ask him about it she was like don't so then i was like, I'm going to ask him about it. And she was like, don't. So then I was like, Detti, are you dating somebody? And he went, ah, that's my business. I was like, but your business is our business because you're our dad?

Yeah, and you were still like teens, right? This was, no, I was in college at that point. So I think I was 18, 19, maybe 20. What was an erotic voicemail like? She was like, Trevor, I think about you in the shower.

Oh my God. And I really wish I had recorded it because it was so funny and then uh we never got to meet her but she did come to the funeral I'm pretty sure because she wore a tight black dress and was like Trevor meant so much to me and then she walked away and me and my sister were like we've never met this woman before who meant so much to my dad and was like very hot. She was a very hot woman. Wow. Good for your dad. It was so strange.

It is weird. It is weird. Just even like envisioning our parents as sexual beings. Yeah. But then it's just like well they fucked to have me so I mean they got needs. But the fact that like someone was thinking about your dad in the shower is surreal so funny oh my sister was so upset i've never seen

a person angrier and i loved it it made me laugh so hard and he was so angry that we had heard it oh boy kate we've come to the end boy this was a treat this was a real dream thank you so much you're doing it oh it's a pleasure fine honestly i never realized truly how often i say things until people tell me that i say them a lot like i didn't realize i said treat and dream as much as i do but apparently I say it a lot. And then there was something else I say a lot. I don't remember. Anyway, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, you can listen to my podcast Forever 35.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear podcasts and you can buy my book, which is called The Dead Moms Club. Anywhere you can buy books. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's basically what I do. I talk about dead people and skin care. I mean, is there anything else to

talk about? Let's just keep moisturizing until we die, Nicole. Okay, if you like this episode of Oh, I Want to Date Me, you can subscribe, you can rate it, you can write me a nasty message coming on to me, and then I will read it.

So this was sent to me in January, and they said, I want you to ride me so hard that you rip off my dick and then use that dick as a strap-on to peg my ass, impregnating me with two beautiful fraternal twins that we love and cherish for the rest of our days. And then yesterday they said, this was never read on the podcast and I'm sad.

So, uh, you better buckle up cause uh, you just got read! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sigh. Uh, let's see if I can find another one. Oh, here we go. Sup, mommy? Trying to send you something obscene, so here it goes.

I want to rub Cheeto dust all around your areolas with my own and then let out a chester the cheetah growl when we both boob climax at the same uh at the same time from boob gasming thanks to rihanna how interesting okay that took a turn it did and i think that's it i think that's all I have right now. Oh, I want you to tongue punch. No, I want to tongue punch your fart box so hard that my tongue comes out of your puss and eats an entire Happy Meal through your puss. And then I'll put on a condom.

Then I'll put a condom on your baby vibrator and buzz your puss till you cream out horseradish. That one makes me upset. That's a lot. Horseradish. That one, it makes me upset. That's a lot. I don't know. Horseradish? That means you're sick. You got to go to the doctor. Yeah, that's spicy.

And chunky? It's just bad news all around. Yeah, I didn't like it. Oh, God. Yuck. Maybe that's your soulmate. Imagine. Can you imagine?

So gross. Thank you, Kate. Thank you for having me this has been a Team Coco production.