Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dealing with FBoys (w/ Nikki Glaser)

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

Comedian Nikki Glaser (FBoy Island, Good Clean Filth) chats with Nicole about being in a 9 year on-and-off again relationship, how to deal with an FBoy, why men struggle to express their feelings, and offers tips on how to attract a partner.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could push me in a puddle. And I would roll over and say, I'm glad I got wet and you didn't. I love you. My guest today is a comedian and host of FBoy Island. I think that might be why, Nicole. Maybe. Who knows? I'm also running. I've done these for like four years or five, however long I've done this podcast, I'm like running low on them. Anyway, the voice you're hearing is Nikki Glaser. So Nikki has a new comedy special, Good Clean

Filth, which is available on HBO Max. And you have a podcast. Wait, what is your podcast called? It's called the Nikki Glaser Podcast, and it's four days a week, Monday through Thursday. And I do it out of my apartment with my ex-roommate, best friend, Andrew Collin. And we just sit and do it every day. I don't know why. You also have an e-show called Welcome Home Nikki Glaser. You have so fucking much going on.

Do you have problems with, like, too much, taking on too much and just saying yes to everything? Because everything now, we're at this level in our careers where we fought for so long to, like, be able to get things. And now we're getting offered things that are, like, things that if they were offered to us 10 years ago, we would have been like, that is all I've ever wanted to do. And now you have to turn things down. And so it's, it's tough, you know, but yeah,

I do a lot. You do too though. It feels wild. It does feel wild because I do do a lot, but there is some stuff that I've had to say no to, but you're right. 10 years ago, I'd be like,

Nicole, you stupid bitch. Yeah. If nobody asks you to do another thing ever again, you have to say yes. That's the fear is like i'm gonna age and they're gonna put me out to the farm upstate and then i'm gonna go why didn't you accept that one thing where you could have you know if there's that fear that you are um yeah

if that you've go if you go away for a vacation for like two weeks they'll forget about you yes which is devastating and just a little sad. You have so many hours out. This is my third hour, but then I did two. I did a half hour for Comedy Central and then two half hours for Netflix. So I have a total of four and a half hours. My God. That's too much stand up.

No, I'm honestly wildly impressed. Thanks, girl. I'm precious. I'm like, no, I can't do that 10 minutes there. No, no, JFL, you cannot. I know. I've learned to be less precious about it because I've just learned to go, okay, well, I'll just have to write a better joke.

And that will be the only thing that will actually get me to write is the pressure of having to do something new um but i also um yeah i just i i have a hard time saying no i am i'm about to go up to jfl uh just for last comedy festival they just asked me like yesterday because someone dropped or someone got covet and they're like can you come up here and do only crowd work for 10 minutes? And it's going to air on like Facebook or something, but it will, if it doesn't go well,

it'll haunt me the rest of my life and will be the reason that people go, she's not good. Look at that, you know? But I'm terrified. Do you do crowd work? I think I'm doing that show too. You are?

I don't really do crowd work, but I did say yes to this show and I'm a little nervous about it. Cause I really, I don't talk to crowd work, but I did say yes to this show. And I'm a little nervous about it because I really I don't talk to them. Me neither. And people think that we do because everyone thinks that comedians like love interacting with the crowd. And it's so there's so many clips of it now on TikTok and Instagram reels of people doing crowd work. And so now it's become this thing that people just expect of us. crowd work and so now it's become this thing that people just expect of us and especially with my background doing roasts people sit front row at my shows wanting me to talk to them and I don't do any crowd work ever Nicole like I like to skip skip to a script I like to be in control I don't

do it at all but the reason I like doing this and I think this might get you over your nerves because initially I was like I'm not doing that like that's not what I do but then I now now I have an excuse for if it goes wrong, it's because it's not what I do. It's because I don't do crowd work. Yeah, that's a good way to think about it. Yeah, I had to flip it in my head. So then I go, OK, now I have an excuse, which is oftentimes what I do for myself, too, is, you know, even talking about like why why'm ever single, it's always like, because I have too much going on in my life to fit it.

Like there's always an excuse for why I don't have the thing that I want. And I protect myself. I bolster myself with all these excuses as to if anyone ever comes after me. I like this. I'm stealing it. It's the best. Stealing it. Yeah.

I mean, are you, what's going on with your dating life? You know, she's a single gal. She's on the apps. She's meeting people in person who are all married. I don't know. I know. They're always married. Always. When I started working, I was like,

people talk about meeting someone on set. Everyone on a set is married. I know. I, when did we hit the age where we started looking at rings? Like I realized that was a specific age where I started looking at their hands to go, are they wearing a ring? I would say 30,

32. Yeah. Yeah. That's where you start to go, Oh, I got to start doing that. And before I was just checking to see if they were still wearing a high school like ring. And I'm like,

Oh, that means you peaked then. Now if I see a guy with a, yeah, like now it's just checking to see if they were still wearing a high school ring and I'm like, oh, that means you peaked then? Now if I see a guy with a, yeah, now it's just checking for a ring whether he's married or if he's just a guy that wears rings which is also a red flag. That is a red flag. I didn't even know high schools had rings. I didn't either.

Until I was so far out of high school, I was like, wait, this is a thing? I know. This is wild. I would never. I mean, my high school was fine. I'm not trying to rep them for the rest of my life. I don't know anyone who is, but that is a thing. My 20th anniversary is coming up and I'm just like, oh, none of my friends want to go. I want to go because I'm famous. And that's the reason you become famous is to go back to your high school, have a Romeo and Michelle moment. I'm like, yes.

I'm telling my friends from high school, I'm like, you bitches gotta go with me. What's the worst that can happen? And they're all like, well, we're not, I'm not loving my life. Even if they are, they're just like, I just don't, it's too much pressure. And I'm like, no, it's so, we gotta go back.

I don't like the people that are too cool for it either, but I am excited. I would like to see some people from high school i ran into a friend from high school we were talking about high school and i was like high school was wilder than i remembered damn yeah like what were you like in high school well what was i like loud i've always just been a very loud person, but I did, um, track and field because in high school we had to like work out in the weight room for gym. And then my gym teacher was like, lift this, Nicole.

And I was like, okay. He's like, lift that. He's like, you're pretty strong. And I said, all right. And he was like, you should do track and field. So then I did shop, but which is the fat girl sport. And I was good at it without trying. And then my coach was so annoyed with me all the time.

He'd be like, if you just would practice, you would get better. And I was like at it without trying. And then my coach was so annoyed with me all the time. He'd be like, if you just would practice, you would get better. And I was like, I'm busy. I'm busy smoking weed, drinking and being in the play. Yeah, I did plays too. And like, that's so interesting. You say like, that's isn't don't you feel like that's why at least I think that's why I do anything as someone goes hey you you seem to have a knack for this like it takes someone going like you're good at this you're good at this why

don't you keep yeah I started doing improv my teacher was like you're good at this and I was like I guess I'll keep doing it I'll do it forever like I've always just wanted to be special at something and that was never the thing for me I like as a child just always longing to be talented or to be to stand out in any way. Like I was, I was wanting to have like a diagnosis of, of like when my, one time my dentist assumed I had autism when I was like nine. Cause I told him that I really liked the, the weighted blanket thing they put on you for x-rays. I was like, I really like this. I always look forward to it. And he was like, yeah, a lot of autistic kids do and i was like yes i'm something and i just

wanted to be special in some way other than a way that seemed like a burden were you like the class clown i mean you said you were loud that usually translates to like oh yeah class clown so famously i did not receive class clown or i was gonna say bound as a superlative but yeah i guess like people thought i was funny. I think. I don't know. It's very hard. Oh my God, I'm hitting my microphone. It's very hard to remember how people thought of me

like 20 years ago or 15 years ago. I don't know how. But I bet they tell you, Nicole, because now you're famous and they go, we would have never seen this for you or we knew even then. Do you get any feedback like that from people from the past? No.

Okay. Nobody from my past has really reached out to me. They're not confirming or denying your talent? Really made no impact on anybody. Nobody was like, oh, I got to tell Nicole something. Why have a couple friends whose moms have reached out to be like, wow, oh, wow, you're doing it. We always knew you would. Oh, there you go.

Okay. It's because everyone's jealous. I'm sorry. It's like if people aren't saying anything, they're jealous. And that's fine. I'm a jealous person, too. I felt that before where I'm like, I'm not going to acknowledge it because she already thinks she's hot shit and so i'm not gonna add to it but it's almost like silence is more of an indication that someone is like impressed with you than than them even saying

anything or liking your post like i just think that there's sometimes i live in st louis like i moved back to my hometown during the pandemic and i've just stayed here you live and you live there now currently i live here now everyone thinks i just moved here to my hometown during the pandemic and I've just stayed here. You live and you live there now. Yeah. Currently I live here now. Everyone thinks I just moved here for my reality show because it's like, oh, that's a good concept. You know, this girl that's kind of made it moves back home. But it came out of me actually doing it and then just staying.

So I live here in St. Louis now and people are not impressed at all by having someone like by like I'll go get my hair done and they're like so what's so what's going on I'm like oh you know I'm doing just getting my hair done because I'm doing you know Seth Meyers on Monday and then I'm doing this interview like I'll start like kind of like casually bragging not because I think I'm sweet but because it's kind of interesting I would have liked to know if someone that I was working with was gonna be on tv because that's all that mattered to me so i just drop it it's kind of like isn't this interesting like and they're like i don't care do you want the balayage or do you want highlights and do you want a gloss that i'm gonna just act like is something that i'm gonna throw on but it's really gonna cost you 150 on the back end don't you love that

when they just go oh my god i think you could use do you want to do love that when they just go, oh my God, I think you could use, do you want to do a gloss? And you just go, oh my God, yes. And then it's $150. It's like you should tell, I always feel like I go to get my, it's like when you get your oil changed when I go to get my hair done.

There's so many additional costs, but they don't give a fuck here about famous people, which makes sense because if they did, they would go to New York or LA and like be where that stuff is going on. It's kind of refreshing that they don't care. But I cared so much when I used to live here.

A lot of my family doesn't give a shit. They're just like, oh, OK. Are you hurt by that? No, because it's like I don't care about the office you work in. Yeah. But your office does not include, you know, the cast members of the office. And like, you're not like, we are meeting interesting people. You just made a movie with some really exciting people.

Like, we are getting, it's not like we're bragging about it. It's interesting. These are people we all know. That's why we like celebrities. They're like the high school. It unites America into a high school where it's all people we all know and we have a commonality and so when people act like they're not into these things or i understand if you're really just oh i don't know who that is and i don't really watch tv that's fine but these people

who try to act like they don't care i'm sorry like i feel like i'm tired of people being over like too cool for things i think it's just just so, it just, sometimes I just, my mom is really hurt because she was on my reality show as well as my dad. And she is still like recuperating. I went over to her house the other day because the whole season aired

and her whole, she has nine brothers and sisters and not one of them wrote to her and was like, good job on your show. And she's on every episode and she's the star of every episode. My mom is so funny.

Never been on TV before. Wait. Because they're all so goddamn jealous. They can't stand it. Wait, that's so wild that no sibling was like, is I on TV? Yeah, none of them.

It's the least you can do. To not acknowledge it means they definitely knew and did it. Like, it's not like they didn't know. My mom even told them like, hey, watch the premiere tonight. Nothing. Nothing from Nancy, Jimmy, Michael, Julie, Tom or Peggy, Chucky, Sally, Bobby, definitely knew and did it like it's not like they didn't know my mom even told them like hey watch the premiere tonight nothing nothing from nancy jimmy michael julie tom or peggy chucky sally bobby mom and dad like i know the whole thing my mom for 10 kids there's like the you know that's

she can list them all off it's too many siblings what kind of house did she grow up in was it it's like it was it was a time we cinc, no Catholic. I mean, you just know protection and. Oh, wait, that is a Catholic thing, right? Cause like the Lord wants you to have as many as you can. No. Yeah. Do not use protection. And like, yes, have as many as possible, even though you're destitute.

And I mean, maybe I don't, it was, I resent it, but they're, uh, they're all still alive. They're also going, my mom's number seven. And I got, I got, I look at all of them and I love all my aunts and uncles, but I go, I got the best one. Thank God. Aw, that's sweet. There's a lot of dysfunction up in that house. And I got the one. She fell in the birth order of like, oh, she's pretty awesome.

But yeah, I've gotten used to it because over the years, my parents have always on my behalf been so mad of like, why don't they ever ask about your success about like my family? And I'm like, cause they don't care. And they're kind of resentful because their kids maybe aren't doing important things. And not that this is like, I'm changing the world or anything. It's just like, I'm saying interesting. And I'm sure I'm even listening to myself talk and I'm like, oh, shut up. You think you're so sweet. And that is not the case.

I don't think I'm sweet. I really actually think I'm quite not special and have tricked everyone into thinking I'm sweet. You are special. I think everyone is special in their own way, which is very diplomatic. That never makes me feel good. I know it is. But that never made me feel good when I would be like, mom, I'm ugly. And she'd be like, be happy with what God gave you.

And I'm like, you tell me there's no God all the time. So what am I, but just that like, yeah, I just feel like I've gotten used to like people just not caring. And they're right. Like celebrity in this pursuit of fame and whatever we're pursuing anymore. I mean, do you ever have that moment where you go, clearly we got into comedy and wanting to be on TV for the attention and the love of strangers. And eventually you get that and you go, well, this ain't it. What else do I got?

I mean, if I have to really dig in. Please don't. I do think. it's too painful maybe i'm broken no i know that like i like making people laugh that fills a void in me some sort of weird little void gets filled when i can make a room full of people laugh or like i make the the cashier at whole foods laugh i'm like they're gonna think about that later. Like I was, I went to Comic-Con and I was leaving and I had checked my bags, uh, with like the,

I don't know, in this giant room. Cause we were walking around for the last day and I went back to get it and I had a bag of food or no, I was checking the luggage in and I had a bag of food and the guy checking it in was like, are you checking in the food too? And I said,

no, he's like, really? You're not going to leave the food with me. I said, no, in fact, I'm going to sit here and checking it in was like are you checking in the food too and i said no he's like really you're not gonna leave the food with me i said no in fact i'm gonna sit here and eat it in front of you and he laughed he laughed and then as i was walking away he laughed again and i was like i think i got a double laugh and i was like wow i can live off that for the rest of the day that's really a good point it does feel good to have those random moments. I forget that that's probably what drew me to it initially was just like giving, handing

out little pieces of joy throughout the day because I forget how much laughing does fucking lift your spirits. I think that as comics we just see so much comedy that we kind of become like oh that's funny. Oh that's funny. Oh that's funny. And we don's funny. Oh, that's funny. And we don't like laugh,

but man, when I'm able to like, I can't think of the last time I really like, I guess like when I'm around my girlfriends from high school, I really giggle hard. And it does do something. You forget about everything else. We are bringing joy to people. I forget that. The last time I laughed so hard,

I like, my body hurt I was with Sashira Mateo and we were at a restaurant and like Sashira kept doing things that were just really fun yeah like I just we were the loudest table there and like laughed so hard I love laughing which sounds like a really dorky thing to say but i'm like i just love a tea it sounds like something that would be on a mimeograph over your aunt's you know toilet in the guest bathroom what's a mimeograph i don't even know i said it and i did was hoping you wouldn't ask i think it's something i heard referenced before but like uh i don't i literally don't know and um i'm embarrassed that i don't i use words all the time that i don't know i'm just i've gotten to the age where i don't like

being left out so if i don't know what something is i'll be like i'll look dumb i don't give a shit i would like to be involved what is it yes like it's okay if you don't know something that there's nothing it's not okay if you use a word that you know you don't know and it's alienating other people. That deserves to be called out and I appreciate it, Nicole. But it isn't bad if you don't know. If you're just like, wait, what is that? What's going on over in Ukraine? I don't know.

Some people miss shit. We can't know everything. Some days you miss that day in class where they taught Roman numerals or how to read a clock or what, you know, or a clock with Roman numerals. That's a thinker. Double doozy. And that's not nice. And I don't know why anybody would ever do it. Pig Latin is a thing I do not understand.

Oh, yeah. I don't think anyone needs to know that. You, like, put the back and the front. And I'm like, why did we do that? Then you add a why. I don't know. Yeah. Nikki, I have a question for you.

Yeah. So you host F boy Island. I watched half of the first season. I need to finish it because I enjoyed it so much. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Why isn't it just called fuck boy Island? Is it because it's on a streaming platform where like children's eyes are?

Yes, exactly. I thought that because it would be HBO or or like you know hbo max hbo it's like hbo is where everything is like uncensored and that was the first place where you could get really raw and dirty and comedy specials and i was like what's going on here but hbo max is more family friendly than hbo and and you know like even books like the subtle art of not giving a fuck or like um yeah you know uh what's that one don't fuck with cats like movies and stuff that have the word fuck in it like they suffer being able to be promoted on things like jimmy fallon or the today show and it's like you can't even

start the conversation getting promotional materials to those people if you start with like oh we'll bleep it they go we don't even bleep like i'm dealing with something right now where the we're supplementing the word freak for fuck and even like this network is like i don't know about freak because people know that you're trying to say fuck and it's like okay like i think that that's why and then but i really did feel stupid the first i think 15 minutes of the show like the first day when it was like, welcome to F boy Island. I'm like, this sounds so dumb. How is anyone ever going to take us seriously? Which we don't ever really ask for that.

But within 15 minutes of saying it like three times, I was like, Oh, that's just what it is. And it becomes easy. And it's fine. I will say at first I was like, F boy.

Well, it's a fuck boy. F boy. Okay. And then I was fine with it. But I just love, love, love, love that. It's like a self-proclaimed fuck boy who's like yes this is who i am do i care about feelings not a day in my whole life no these guys yeah the show is like and it's in the second season and you can

stream it all now um on hbo max it is really addictive and it's really a lot more fun than people think it might be and and a lot of people that aren't into dating reality shows which I always have been so you don't need to ever convince me but people that are like they they tend to really like the show because it makes fun of itself and it but it also is you know relationships do develop things you know as the host I was kind of like is this even gonna work like if these girls don't like these guys? And I remember one of the producers on like the first day being like, you guys, Nikki thinks that these girls might not like these guys. And I was like, well, I've seen a group of 20 guys before and been like, no, none of them, you know, like that's possible. But you get to spend time with them. And you talk about them nonstop and

you don't have your phones and it's all you do is talk about these guys. I could get you to like a remote control and be in love with it. If all you did was talk about that remote control and talk to producers about, well, you and that remote control seem to be getting along. Like I can make you fuck a, you know, a Apple TV remote. Honestly, there's times where I say, maybe I will fuck a remote. I mean. If the gentlemen aren't coming. Just tether it, though, because you don't want to lose it up there.

Oh, I'd be so sad if I lost a remote and I had to use my Kegels to change the channel. You're like, which one is Ox trying to hit Ox with your fucking G-spot? Yeah, it's a really um the self-proclaimed f-boy aspect of it all is so interesting because that is what i like about the show because there's guys that claim to be nice guys not claim like announced like they're there to find love they really they treat women well they don't lie to have sex or to you know get a relationship and then there are guys that are like i'm an f- boy and I lie to women and I'm motivated by sex and clout and money and there's money on the line. So it behooves these guys to pretend to be nice guys. And the girls don't know who, who is who, but I really do actually end up liking the F boys

more because at least they're being honest. They're being honest. There's something nice about someone telling you they're a piece of shit and they're not telling the girls because it's the gameplay, but they're telling the audience. They're like, I go go you guys have to like go out into the world after this show you know like you have to be you're all like we work in businesses where people have to trust you like how is anyone ever going to trust you guys again but they don't care but here's the thing it's like i'm an f boy i'm terrible i bet there's just girls lining up in their dms to be like treat me bad daddy or they're like i don't really care either and they're like signing up to get her like people's the way people operate is so fucking wild it's insane i really do think and i don't mean to get political i think

trump has proven that if you are just terrible outright and are blatant about it it will only make you more famous and more successful. If you just are as awful as you, and if the bed of nails thing, like if Trump did one of the things that he's done wrong, it would be horrible. But if you do enough, you can lay down on the bed of nails and it doesn't hurt you. So these guys coming out there and saying all the times they've cheated, how they lie, like you see them tell a girl one thing and then it cuts to them in an interview being like, I didn't mean any of that you're just like and I think there is that thing in women where you're like I can change him you know like yeah I'll be the one because again

goes back to the special thing we want to feel special we want to feel like different than the rest and if you're able to convert and if you're able to get a nice guy to like you you're like oh of course what how hard is that you know but if you're able to get these nice guy to like you, you're like, oh, of course. How hard is that? But if you're able to get these F boys to go, I want to stop fucking around and I'm obsessed with this girl and I want to chase her. I got him to settle down. It's all fear of intimacy. And sad. Yeah. It's all, you know, I used to do that where I would pursue men who were in relationships or who were long distance or who were just, or I would think they were available.

I'd be like, finally, I'm pursuing a guy who's single and in my same city. And then I'd realize he's emotionally unavailable. So I'd find a way because I did not have self-esteem. I still struggle with it. But I thought, you can't love someone until you can love yourself. I mean, I just didn't love myself.

And so I only wanted someone who also saw me that way and that I could convince like I just didn't love myself. And so I never, I wanted only wanted someone who also saw me that way. And then I could convince because I was trying to convince myself that I'm lovable. And if I get someone who actually thinks I'm unlovable and is not a bit like, and I can't get close to them. So, cause if someone gets close to me, they'll realize I'm not lovable. So why don't I go for a guy with a girlfriend? Because he could never really get to know me. I'll never really trust him enough to get intimate with him. And it's just, that's what I realized about all these F boys. It's like, I say the F stands for fragile because they're just fearful, fragile, and, um, uh, another F word that I couldn't think of, but like just trying to men trying to avoid intimacy because they all are just obsessed with their bodies obsessed with

you know their image on instagram obsessed with followers all these shallow things because they don't feel whole on the inside which obviously is so very relatable but and it seems like those guys like should have more confidence than anyone in the world they're all like they have perfect muscles and they're in the in the prime of their lives age wise looks wise and the right amount of oil all over their bodies and it just feels like these guys are killing it but they really are so sad deep down it's and you realize that because they're they're using women and they're treating women disposably because no if anyone gets close it'll remind them of their mom that told them they weren't lovable or like they they inherently don't feel lovable, so just keep everyone at a distance.

That's what I love about the show is that these guys, if you watch it long enough, especially in the second season, I feel like it gets into these guys and why they're like this. And how starved men are, in particular men are, for any kind of gentleness or emotional vulnerability. They have none of it in their lives. Men don't talk to anyone. And I don't mean that as a blanket statement, but I find that in my life and the men I've dated, they just – my boyfriend and I started going to therapy for the first time. And he said afterwards, he was like, i've never said my thoughts to someone before how interesting and it blew my mind i mean you and i are loud bitches like we say every thought

like can you imagine having thoughts like racing thoughts and never saying them out loud that's what men do couldn't do it men don't articulate and that's helpful like when you are struggling with something thinking it through in the shower when you are struggling with something, thinking it through in the shower when you're going to sleep, that helps. But saying it, journaling, that's why journaling's helpful. Like, you need to get it out to process it, to see it. And if

men don't do that, like, you don't really have a shot at ever working through stuff to not get it out. And I just, I feel so sad for boys that don't have that opportunity. I'm so glad that more like hot dudes are being and successful strong men are being more vulnerable about like crime therapy hold that thought hold that thought hold that thought we gotta take a break and we're back yeah I think like it would just behoove us to be like,

hey boys, you can hug another boy. You can hug your best friend. You can tell your best friend when you're sad. You can tell your best friend when you're happy. You know, you can just tell people your thoughts and your feelings and it's okay. It's so foreign to them. It's like as foreign as it would be for us

to like punch each other. That's why they like fight, I realize, is because it it would be for us to like punch each other. Like, that's why they like fight. I realized this because it's the only time they get to touch each other. Like they just want to be held so much. And I always call MMA mama. My boyfriend does not appreciate it, but I'm always like,

you want to watch mama? That's very funny. They just want to touch. Yeah. Cause I mean, football, that's all about touching. You get in a pile, you pile up, you hit each other, you kind of hug each other. Yeah.

What else? Yeah, MMA, wrestling, that's hugging. There's just this, they're just so black and white about like, this is gay and this is hetero and there's nothing, anything emotional. And I'm not, I used to be mad at men for like, why don't you touch each other? Why don't you hug? Why don't you go to therapy? And it's like, it really is not taught to they, they, it's like asking someone to hug who doesn't have arms. Like they can't do it. They don't, they don't know how. And it's, it's so hard. It's like, I'm just, if we would have done this

podcast a week ago, I was like, my boyfriend, I broke up for like the 18th time in our nine years of dating off and on. And we're back together, but it's like, he, I'm only with him now because he's able to actually admit like, okay, maybe talking about my feelings,

maybe I don't have it all figured out and I'm going to be a little bit more emotional and risk maybe admitting. I don't know what I'm doing or that I'm scared of this thing or that that made me sad or that maybe admitting that I'm angry about something. Like these things are also foreign to him and he's a 40-year-old man. And it's just, but now once you break that, like then they find strength in it.

And then they also realize like we're super horned up for it. Like I think that's the thing they don't know is that women really actually like men who emote. At least I do. Horny for feelings. I like to know what's going on. So wait, so you guys have been on and off for nine years. Nine years. And did he live in St. Louis or did he move back as well?

Well, we met in New York City nine years ago. I did an MTV show called Nikki and Sarah Live. It was my first TV show. and he was a producer on that. And he just happened to be from the same town as I was. We never knew each other growing up. We lived a mile and a half apart or three miles apart. And then we dated for like three or four years. He created my show Not Safe With Me on Comedy Central, which I believe you did, right?

I did, and I thought it was a genuinely good show. So when it was canceled, I was like, I'm confused as to what Comedy Central thinks comedy is. No, that's really nice. I, you were like, I remember, it's so funny,

like how much, I've been in the business long enough that I don't remember doing the TV shows. Like that is wild. But no, thank you. So we created that show together and then that got canceled and we kind of were like,

well, we're canceled. Like we kind of fell out of, and then we took like a five year break where some of that was like friends with benefits and then I would always have sex with him too soon or just like start having sex with him

because I'm like, it's my ex-boyfriend. Like, of course I'm going to, I lived with this person. Why would I like be like, oh, only dry humping. Like, of course I'm going to have sex with him too soon or just like start having sex with him because I'm like it's my ex-boyfriend like of course I'm gonna I lived with this person why would I like be like oh only dry humping like of course I'm gonna have sex and I didn't realize I was getting like very attacked like I would not want to date him I would know what he's capable of he's not someone I want to date but I would want to have the physical connection because we had that going and then I would start sleeping with him and I would fall in love with him again and every time and then I

would have to like go through withdrawals of like I can't do this anymore because I would want a relationship. And he'd be like, well, we didn't want that. And it was because I was sleeping with him. And then I read a book called Getting To I Do, which I'm obsessed with. pretty much tells you how to get a guy to commit by, you know, not tricking him, but like using methods that psychologically and, you know, through sociologies, anthropology are proven to make men commit. Well, the rules are, um, be more feminine, which means stop talking so much and stop saying what you think. Talk more from what your feelings are, which we're taught as women because men don't like their feelings

that they don't want our feelings. But men love our feelings. They don't like our thoughts so much, but they love our feelings. They don't want to hear what we think. They want to be asked what they think. So the book even says, never ask a man how he feels unless he's on fire.

But you can always ask a man what he thinks. And so talk, but talk less. And that's why like sometimes when i'm on stage i'm it's very masculine energy what we do and if you're looking for a masculine energy man you need to be more on your feminine energy as a woman that doesn't mean that you have to stop doing comedy and stop like being a boss bitch for lack of a better you know trite phrase but uh what you need to do is separate those two like i i think i was taking too much of my masculine energy of like this is i i'm loud i know what i want and i was bringing

that into a relationship when really in my relationship i just want to be held and like nurtured and have my feelings cherished i don't really care about my thoughts in a relationship like someone else do the thinking for me. Like, yeah, decide, drive the car. Like it's essentially like, don't, don't try to, don't try to masculine energy.

Like let men be men because when they're robbed of that, they really, their boners go in their bodies. When a woman is like, I think you need to take this exit up here. It's going to make us get there 10 minutes faster. I've learned that if my boyfriend is driving somewhere and I know that he is going to go away that takes us 10 minutes longer, let him go that way. Just let it happen because that is going to save me so much time, more than 10 minutes on the back end of that where he feels emasculated. because he's a little bitch that can't take criticism from a woman it's not it doesn't have anything to do with that it's just about respecting him and really if it's three hours difference

sure i'll speak up but if it's a 10 minute thing i just go you know what let's be 10 minutes late and make him not be like a little bit annoyed with me and it actually takes me out of my energy which is like i'm more receiving like they should and it can it can change as you go in a relationship they can shift into their feminine when they in a relationship they can shift into their feminine when they need it and you can shift into your masculine but it always has to it balance like yin and yang so you can go in and out and that's why i find that a lot of guys that are would pursue me after seeing me on stage or watching roast compilations on youtube and they're like i love it really turns me on the way you work a mic. I would always be like,

we wouldn't work in a relationship because I don't want to talk in a relationship. I mean, I do want to talk, but I want in a relationship, of course I love laughing and I love having opinions. My boyfriend and I are so compatible in that way and he fucking loves watching me on stage, but I take that, I take those pants off in a relationship

and I just like to be a quiet hole kind of in a relationship I just want to be kind of I just want to be a dumb slut you know like and not dumb but because he knows I'm smart and he he says it all the time he's like you're smarter than me but there's something about like all the porn I watch is always um me I like to be the submissive in sex which is like the opposite of how I run my life like I do not like to be the submissive in sex, which is like the opposite of how I run my life. I do not like to be out of control in my career, in my

interpersonal relationships, but in a sexual romantic relationship, I really like being like, I'm a little babe, not a baby, but like I'm a little lost girl and I don't know nothing. You gotta save me. And it's kind of nice because

like I've, I did a joke about this, but when you're like tied up or like, you know, blindfolded and you're like, you don't have to do anything. You're just like, get to lay back and get it. Like I, and I like that part of it too, because sex is really exhausting and I love just like receiving as opposed to just, I need a break. And I think that most people in positions like we're in of being, you know, we're, we're not part of a, we're not part of a band. We're individuals who have set out on this career that is really scary and you have to have a lot of confidence for it's, we often are more prone to wanting to be submissive in the bedroom because it's the time where we can like

let go of that a little bit so usually like ceos like you know bezos loves to get tied up and told he's like a little bitch with like like your dumb little dick like i bet you anything elon musk likes to be choked and said you're not you know like kind of demeaned because it's the opposite of what we're chronically doing and you would think it would be the other way around. So, and this book also says, don't, don't fuck, don't let their penis in your vagina until they love you.

Because men, after they come, and especially after they come, when their penis has been in your vagina, they, they don't like you as much anymore. And there's, they,

you know, they aren't, there's no reason for them to stick around. And biologically, it makes sense. And I talk about this in my special, but when a man comes, his body tells him like, okay, you already came like, you know, everyone, men come so that they can procreate. That's the only reason, right? So their, their subconscious says, um, don't come again with this chick because you already, you did the best. If you didn't get

her pregnant this time, you got to wait a month anyway. Like you either did or you didn't. Don't waste another load. Precious, precious semen. You know, when we used to be in tribes and like babies die a lot and the harsh winter's coming, like your prerogative is to make as many babies as possible. You live in a tribe. All the women are ovulating. Your body's telling you get on to the next girl in the teepee next door. She's ovulating too. Like don't waste another load here. That would be a waste. So men have this flight response after they, after they come, that makes them want to leave. So you, so what you do is like this book tells you like, yeah, you can do pretty much anything with them, but just don't let them inside you. For how long?

Until they love you, because here's the ticket. Here's the point. They will still want to flee after they fuck you, even if they're in love with you. But the only thing men like more subconsciously and, you know, their monkey brain craves more than new pussy is integrity. Men fucking love integrity. then new pussy is integrity. Men fucking love integrity. And now if a man loves you for a woman, he loves, if he will not fuck other women or pursue other women, he will stay with you because it means he has integrity. So that you have to, this book teaches you, you have to honor men subconsciously. You have to do everything, everything you do in your relationship and the

way you talk to your man, you have to kind of have this undercurrent of like, thank you so much for not fucking other women. You have so much integrity. And they get off so much on that feeling of like, I'm a white knight. God, I didn't fuck another woman. Like I have so much integrity. And that will keep them around.

That will keep them true to you because their love for you, even though they do want to fuck other women, there's no chance they won't if a man says he doesn't he's fucking lying to you but he doesn't because he has integrity and he knows what's important and he wants to be there for the woman he loves but my problem was i kept having sex with men before they loved me i would i would either assume they did or go i mean he must by now i love him and i would sleep with them and then they would change afterwards and I and they wouldn't

be as invested in me and I would feel that that weird feeling that you get sometimes after a guy you sleep with a guy and they're just a little bit colder a lot more cold than they were before and that would just lead to them texting me less and I go oh my god I gave up the one thing that I had that was keeping them coming back, which was I want to get in that pussy. So when I got back with my ex-boyfriend, I, we started dating. I moved back to St. Louis during the pandemic. He moved back to for separate reasons. We both found ourselves in St. Louis. This is, you know, four years after we had last dated. And I had very much established, like we just, we both were like not interested in being boyfriend and girlfriend

because it didn't work. And, but we both wanted to hook up because we were like, why not? I mean, we have great chemistry, but I said, we can't have sex because I will fall in love with you. I get attached, you know, the women get attached from having vaginal sex. So I told him no sex, but we can do everything except sex. And I didn't even plan on it working to make me love him more make him love me more but it fucking did Nicole like he wait how long did it take it took like I'm not kidding you like less than a month and I'm not kidding you like I would I was so not even wanting this guy to be my boyfriend like I we had tried it so many times I loved him but like I just was we were just having a good time sexually I didn't want to get attached.

I didn't wear, I would just like look disgusting. I would be like picking out a scab on my like, you know, lip from like having, and it would like start bleeding like a vampire. And like, I would answer the door and he'd be like, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like, it's like, wait, he's so falling in love with me.

And it was because there was just something about not being able, even though he's been in my vagina, it wasn't like he had not been there before, but it was reestablishing. Like I said to him, it's no offense to you, but my vagina is off limits to anyone. Who's not like going to be my husband and you don't have to be my husband. It's not like I'm going to save myself for marriage, but that's my husband hole. And he was like, what? Like, since when is this going on? I was like, I just, I'm not doing it to trick you into anything. I'm just doing it so I don't get hurt. And it ended up making me, first of all, it's so much fun to do everything except sex.

When you leave something off the table, it is so fucking hot to just have something that you're not doing that you play around with. So it created this new intimacy for our relationship that we had never had. Cause we just went right to sex right away in the past. And it also like made him obsessed with like, I got to get in there. Like, what can I do? And he just started going like, what,

what are you looking for in a husband? And I had to start thinking about it. And then he started, he was open to therapy. He was open to talking about his feelings more. Like all of these things that were, had been roadblocks for us in the past. He was like, well now Nikki has more. Like all of these things that were, had been roadblocks for us in the past. He was like,

well now Nikki has set new boundaries and I respect them. And I really liked that. She, it made, and men kind of, I don't want to say for my boyfriend, but I think men secretly think when a woman sleeps with a man too soon. And I know that this sounds anti-feminist and like girls go get it.

If you want it, like I'm not disparaging anyone, no slut shaming here. Like I love sluts, but men subconsciously, like if go get it if you want it like i'm not disparaging anyone no slut shaming here like i love sluts but men subconsciously like if they get you to have sex with them on the first date they secretly think like if i got her to have sex on the first date this girl cannot be trusted out there even though you only slept with him on the first day because you actually like him like you don't sleep with everyone on the first date but he subconsciously goes this girl like she's easy even though he doesn't even know he thinks that and there's some kind of there's

something there so i think that my boyfriend for the first time was like oh this this it's kind of like the f-boy thing like whoever she lets in there is going to be special how i want to be special how can i do that and it it I never thought I'd be a girl who would ever advocate for women like withholding or withholding their own pleasure or denying themselves something they want but I have just letting men in my vagina too soon over and over and over again was not getting me the results I wanted it wasn't working and it seems like it would because all men seem to want is pussy so why wouldn't it work when you give it to them to make them like you more and it actually makes them like

you less and it sucks that it's that way but we need to start talking about it this way and like and women you can have a good time without a dick in your vagina i know it sucks but like there's ways around it there is ways around around it, but I do like it. I feel so good. But I always argue when girls go, but I love a dick in there. I always go, well, you think lesbians have like horrible sex lives because they don't have a dick? You make you can bring in toys. I mean, like it's almost a reason to bring in toys to be like, I can't have a real life penis in there because I will get attached because my body releases too much oxytocin.

Like I can't have a real life penis in there because I will get attached because my body releases too much oxytocin. Because that's the truth of it. Women get addicted to men that they have orgasms, penile orgasms with because it shoots. For us to have an orgasm, it takes 20 times the amount of oxytocin that it takes a man to have an orgasm, which makes sense because it's more difficult for us. But that 20 times the amount of oxytococin oxytocin being the chemical that shoots off when you do oxy content like the it's a drug so that's why men women when you have you'll have sex with a guy that you're like this guy fucking sucks i can have sex with him and not get attached and then suddenly you're attached and you're like what happened and it's not because his dick was so good it's because you came while his penis was in you. You associate that coming and the oxytocin with him.

And then you're spiraling like, oh, my God, he left me on red. Oh, my God. He watched all my Instagram stories except the last one. Oh, my God. Like he only saw the first one. That means he accidentally saw it and he clicked off it. So, you know, like that's when you start spiraling. And so I just I just started realizing like, God damn it.

Like as much as I don't want to admit it having sex which was already so hard for me to do I lost my virginity at 21 I was scared of sex for years I had to blackout drink to even engage in sex and I was finally comfortable as a sober individual I got sober at or I quit drinking at 27 and before then 21 to 27 all the sexual encounters were like blackout drunk because I was so nervous about like penises and what do I do? Yeah, it's very vulnerable. It's easier to just be very drunk and be like,

well, I guess I don't mind that this is happening because I'm drunk. Yeah, I've had lots and lots and lots of drunk sex. Sober sex is fun in a way that I didn't understand until I had it. But yeah, it is. Drunk sex is very interesting. Dating drunk is interesting.

Oh, my God. Dating drunk, dating sober. Everything's easier drunk. And I think that the interesting thing is like if you have sex sober as a woman, you got to really want it. So that's why it's more elusive, because most of the time you're having drunk sex. You don't really want it. You do, but you want to want it so you get drunk because drunkenness and horniness are the same.

They give you the same effect in your brain. They make you stupid. Like when you get men get horny, they're like, like they can't process. Women, it takes a lot more to get us horny. So we tend to drink to kind of catch up to men's horniness. it takes a lot more to get us horny so we tend to drink to kind of catch up to men's horniness because i mean i i do a bit about it now but like i for so long was just freaked out by like you would make out with a guy and like within seconds he's like shivering and going like in your ear and you're like did a ghost just pass through you why are you why are you so weird and

it's because they're getting like drunk with horniness and so i would just guzzle to get on their same page because it does take a little bit of stupidity drunkenness horniness it it needs to your brain needs to get a little stupid to have sex because sex is insane nicole how do we go from like being dressed on a date with someone to then humping naked like two animals like you gotta get a little dumb to do that that's insane it is funny to think about that it's like all right we were dressed we were just having wine we got in a car you came to my home we sat down on a bed and now we're naked and you're penetrating me and i'm sucking on your dick and i'm sucking from where you pee from i mean mean, that is so weird.

And you went pee five minutes before we did this. So I know there's a droplet hanging out there. I just licked your pee. I gotta be stupid to get there. And that's the only reason sex happens is that men get horny. I mean, I think that it takes so much blood to support a boner that their brains become inactive.

Just mush. Because all the blood leaves there their like think blood goes to their dick to support that beam and that's why we like that's why i think women we just don't get as horny as quickly as men and i'm all i i constantly try to talk to men and women about like we're not on the same page stop thinking that women get as horny as you. Stop thinking we get wet as soon as you get a boner. It doesn't work that way. And women need to understand that men, the thing that I think keeps us from getting horny a lot of times is like,

especially when you first kiss someone is like, oh my God, are my underwear like clean? Like is, am I wearing the right pair? Is my breath bad? Is, and do I look okay?

What is, what is my body situation? He's going to see this. We start to overthink. And you can, if you're thinking that hard, you can't, your vagina cannot get wet. Like it's the opposite of getting horny. So I think women need to understand that when men, it helps me a lot. When men are like really horny and you're making out with them and they start doing

that shivery like whisper in your ear and saying weird stuff and pawing at you, that is a sign that they're not thinking about the dimples on your ass they're not looking to see if you have like a spray tan slash shit stain on your underwear like they they're not they're not present so we can relax a little bit more and not like if men are going to make fun of us after sex for something we do or the way we look they're going to do it regardless of if we're fucking Gisele Bundchen or however we are. Like men will find a way to make fun of you no matter what you do, if they want to. So stop trying to manage it in that moment. Like the only way a man will make fun of how your body looks once he gets you naked is

if he's an immature piece of shit. And that's going to happen regardless of if he hooks up with anyone, you know? And, and I think that we, I at least always think that, oh, if they see this one thing, if I queef in a weird way, he's going to like tell his friends and make fun of me at Buffalo Wild Wings when they're watching a UFC match. I just start overthinking and that leads me to be so inhibited in bed. Whereas if I let go of that, it makes me feel a little bit less anxious and therefore a little bit more free to like go, okay, what am I feeling in my vagina right now? Like I'm not, sometimes I have sex

and I'm like, I'm not even present down there. Like I don't even know what's going on. And then that's when you have to fake an orgasm or get out a toy. And I mean, I rely on toys a lot, but so that's my final thought. You're like, can I talk? You're like, Nikki, I thought you said you're supposed to stop talking. It's okay. Sometimes you just got to get it all out and that's fine. Real quick, we have to take another break. We're back.

I just had a latte and I regret it. What is a latte? That's coffee and like steamed milk? Yeah, that's a good question because I think people that don't drink coffee are just too scared to ask that at this point. So a latte is at Starbucks. This is actually a hack for people at Starbucks because Starbucks is so fucking expensive.

It's disgusting. But a latte is half steamed milk, half or two, two, generally an eventy, two shots of espresso and then the rest steamed milk. But if you want to do a like a layman's latte where it's like half the price, you do a misto at Starbucks, which is half coffee, which is giving you the same amount of caffeine as two shots of espresso. And it's not going to be as milky of a drink, but then it's half milk. And so you're still getting a very milky drink and it's half steamed milk. So go for a misto. I would recommend to everyone. But my Starbucks drink, if you want to know, and I do at Starbucks twice a day, every day for like the last five years.

I have given that place more money. At what time and what time? When I wake up. So it's either like at, you know, sometimes 7 a.m., sometimes 11, 45 p.m. So when I first wake up, I definitely, I'm addicted to caffeine, so I get it. And then like later on the day, if I need, you know,

like this podcast for me is at six o'clock at night. So I was like, oh, you know what? I was kind of dragging after like, I had that, that four o'clock like down slump. And I was like, let me get a latte just so I'm just a little bit peppier. But, um, it is the best drink that I do is a venti latte, um, with almond milk, two pumps of sugar-free vanilla and two, one Stevia. And that is is um the nikki glaser special and i recommend it i get you don't do caffeine i do do caffeine i i just don't do milk so i don't know about cappuccinos or lattes or anything like that what do you do i drink black coffee so i drink um

Drink a venti or Trenta iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla. Pumps to your liking. Yes. I'm like, however much you think belongs in there. I like it kind of sweet with four shots of espresso. Whoa. Okay. Okay.

Wait a second. You have no milk. There's no creaminess going on at all. But you don't like dairy. But what about like a nut milk? The word milk, no, no? I just don't think I need it because if you put the milk in, you're getting less coffee.

Okay. Have you ever tried one? Because I know what you're saying, but it makes it like ice creamy. Like it makes it a dessert and it doesn't, and almond milk adds no like bad stuff. I mean, if we're talking about half and half

and whole milk and stuff, that can get into like territories where you like feel sick if we're talking about half and half and all milk and stuff that can get into like territories where you like feel sick, but like an almond milk and oat milk girl, like just even a splash, like I'm asking you get a splash next time. All right. All right. I'll taste it.

I'll try it. Black coffee is badass. Yeah, that's what I love. And then sometimes if you put tequila in it, you have a very nice time. Oh my God. I miss drinking so much. Oh yes. I love. And then sometimes if you put tequila in it, you have a very nice time. Oh, my God. I miss drinking so much.

Oh, yes. I forgot. You don't drink. So no tequila. I miss it. Like, I'm taking voice lessons right now to, like, be able to sing because I just it's something I wanted to do. I'm doing that, too.

Really? Yes. Because I wish I could. And it's the one thing that embarrasses me so i was like i should overcome it your speaking voice is so like you do have this melodic quality to it oh thank you you would just think you would be you obviously have some capability of of holding a tune i'm truly tone deaf. No way. Yeah, I truly like it's very, very bad.

But my singing teacher, she's very sweet. I love her. She sages me sometimes if I'm like in a bad mood or I'm like, I think I'm bad and I'm not going to sing well today. She's like, let's take some time to ourselves. I'll sage you, we'll meditate, we'll have a nice time. My voice teacher is the same way because I always end up crying because it's so frustrating to not be able to do something that you want to do and that you think

you should be able to do like I just feel like as comedians we're always able to get across a point that we want to make even though it might take a little bit to work it out like there's some way that we can communicate ourselves but singing wise you're just I'm so frustrated that I can't sound the way I know that I want to sound like why and the the the thing that heartens me and makes me feel like oh maybe there's a chance is that your voice is like an instrument and I always thought it was you either got it or you don't you're either born with it baby or you don't got it but it is something you can learn

by just changing the way your mouth moves or practicing different things. Like it's something that I've seen progress on. Have you felt that shift? I had two lessons and I sang something as a joke the other day and my friend was like that actually sounded really good Nicole. Yes!

And my friend it was Mateo Lane who's like a fucking opera singer i was like really mateo and he was like yes and i was like oh my god i'm doing it i'm doing big things oh my god mateo talk about someone who's just born with it baby like he's someone have more talent funny he can sing he speaks spanish italian and english and probably other languages. I think he speaks a little French as well. It's so annoying. He's so pretty and perfect. He's so funny.

One of the funniest comics ever. He is so nice. Which niceness, I believe, is a talent. He's just a good person. What a good friend to have. And he's so funny. And he also, an operatic singer. And also his drawing, his like painting.

It's, he could do any number of these things. Oh yeah, I forgot. He's like a full-blown artist. He's a Renaissance man. And he literally is sculpted like Michelangelo's David. He is a perfect body. He's an Adonis. I love him so much.

And I'm so, you just want people that are that talented to, you want them to be good people. And it's like, I would, I'm so happy that it landed all in that person because he could be a real cocksucker because, and he is.

He does love a dick. But he's just a nice person. Give him one. And impressionist. Let's not forget that. He's so talented. I love him so much. I do too.

You love him. Oh, he just talking about him. Even you telling me that you were with Shashir and Mateo laughing, it made me laugh. Because I just know how much those two elicit in me like just fun and like and he's just a generous laugher too and that's something I love in someone is like they're able to especially comedians I think so many times comedians are just waiting for the other person to stop to shut up so you're like what about this man yes yes so it's he's he's just the best and uh yeah I I love Mateo and i'm so happy that

every time i go on his instagram there's like a hundred thousand new followers for him i'm like it's about back in time yeah he's definitely the best i love him he makes me so happy yes he he does i'm trying to get him to move to la but he's like no Nicole I love New York there's no way I would never would you ever go to New York I do um I haven't been in a minute but I was there for upfronts which was in May came back with COVID because it was a super spreader event oh my god have you gotten COVID yet yeah yeah it wasn't so bad. I thought it was PMS. It wasn't for me. Yeah, it wasn't for me. So it was the first time?

It was the first time. I avoided it for two years. There was one day where I just couldn't get warm. I was walking around my home just alone with sweaters on and a blanket. That's so sad. I was like, why? I can't be warm. Yeah, it's,

it's, and now it's going, it's like surgeon again. I'm like, oh God, I have to, and you forget about it. Like I'm flying in planes. No one's wearing masks.

I'm like, this is great. We're back to normal, but it's, but it's still around. It's out there. And we got a twist of monkey pox. Oh boy. I think I'm going to go get that vaccine.

I don't want it. It seems really awful. Oh, is that? I didn't even heard about it. So the monkey pox. I mean, I've heard about monkey pox, but not the vaccine. There is a vaccine for it. It seems like they're only giving it to gay men, which is strange to me.

I get it. It's like skin to skin contact. Circuit parties were happening in the summer. But I was like, but like gay people interact with not like. get it it's like skin to skin contact circuit parties were happening in the summer but i was like but like gay people interact with not like it's just skin to skin contact so when people are yes that's all it is and to say it's just i don't know whatever the way it was phrased is not good so when it does start spreading worse than it is i think it's gonna incite fight whatever we don't have to get into it but i want that vaccine baby pump me full of science i want to get the shingles vaccine because anyone i've

ever heard that has shingles is like it is the fucking worst and i feel like i don't know why i didn't i just recently went to the um gyno and she was like do you want to get the gardasil vaccine and i was like bitch i thought i get the Gardasil vaccine and I was like bitch I thought I was too late to get that I've already had you can get it up until like 40 or something I'm getting it now I'm so excited like I'm like I thought that train had already sailed

because I've had pap smears come back a little bit wonky you know like I've definitely had some you know scrapings needing to be done of my uterine wall to test things. So I know that I thought I was out of the running, but now I'm getting it, getting the Gardasil. No, I got one a couple years ago.

Also, the gynecologist is really wild. I went to a male one once, and I didn't realize that the lady standing there, like, I think male gynecologists have to have a women's standing. They have to have it now. They have to have that now. And it was, like, an emergency. It wasn't, like, my male gynecologists have to have a women's stand they have to have it now they have to have that now and it was like an emergency it wasn't like my normal gynecologist i was like yeah so this man can't be trusted with my sick pussy it's ill i know it's not okay it's not doing its best i've heard a lot i've heard stories though about male gynecologists not only not having any empathy for the women that they're treating because they

just think we're you know we are faking our pain or whatever it is but also doing some squirrely stuff you gotta i gotta say it's a little weird for men to go uh this is what i want to go into yeah why why is that the thing you want to look at sick pussies i understand if your mom died of uterine cancer or something like I understand if it's like if it's something like that

but if that's the one you choose out of nowhere I gotta ask questions it's the same way I feel about male babysitters you don't you don't get to do it I'm not ever gonna

I know that there are many of you that are just want to be around kids but men do the most disgusting things sexually with women

and children by, you know, a large margin. So those guys ruined it for all the good guys. Sorry, you don't get to. And guys are like, but I love kids. It's like, okay, well then join the Wiggles. Entertain children from a distance, but you don't get to touch them.

What are the Wiggles? It's like a band. I think it's a band for kids. It's like kids bops. It's a mimeograph's a band for kids. It's like kids bops. It's a mimeograph of a band. So I learned about the Wiggles and mimeographs today. And lattes. Oh, wow.

They look very happy. I would not think I want to be the Wiggles. They all have to wear primary colors. Nikki, we've come to the end. I ask all my guests this would you date me a hundred percent you're and has anyone ever said no you're so freaking lovable and funny and people have said no beautiful and multi-talented and i love that you do things like you're a tone deaf person taking voice lessons.

That is the type of person you everyone should seek to be in a relationship with someone who pursues doing things that they're not comfortable doing. You want someone who's comfortable in the uncomfortableness. And that's not even a word. But I was uncomfortable saying uncomfortability, which I also don't think is a word. But, yeah, you're absolutely dateable. Thank you. you're welcome okay what do you what do you want to promote your special yeah my special is good clean felt it's on hbo and i'm also on tour so much until the rest of my life people fucking tour so i don't know how you do it because i'm scared of intimacy and if i stop i might have to like

look inward so if if you want to if you want to keep this train a running, you can see me in a million cities, but my tour, my next tour kicks off in Las Vegas on September 2nd. And then I'm in Florida. I'm in Oklahoma. I'm in New York. I'm in New Hampshire.

You can check out all my dates. I go to, I'm in Europe for like 14 days where I do like 13 cities. And yeah, it goes until November and it's so many cities and you can come see me. It's my tour is called One Night with Nikki Glaser, Nikki Glaser dot com slash tour. And you can check out all the dates. And I'd love to. And I do meet and greets, which is one of my favorite parts of the show.

So if you like meeting people, you can come meet me. And I love it. I love it. You're doing so much. What a treat. I love that you're doing so much what a treat i love that you're still touring i can't i'm like planes planes and people i have to stay away anyway if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you could like it you could rate it you could subscribe give me five stars and if you write something hitting on me to why won't you date

me podcast at gmail.com no dick pics but you can hit on me mars my producer goes through it she doesn't want to see dicks okay but if you write me something i'll read it this person said you want to date me because i'll make sweet love to your beautiful curly locks every day i'll fill your hair with so much sweet cock milk that you never need to buy hair gel ever again lots Lots of love. Okay. Well, we know Nicole does not like milk. She has made that very clear.

So you calling it cock milk is not going to help anything. Cock milk is pretty funny. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people,

Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream! What a dream!

Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.