Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Death & Taxes (w/ Punam Patel)

Episode Date: April 5, 2019

"Would I rather live a shorter life where I'm happier, than a long one where I have to work so hard to be healthy? More often than not I choose shorter." Things get serious in this episode. Punam Patel (I Feel Bad, Alone Together) joins Nicole to discuss dating as an "aggressive" woman, living as a diabetic, and whether or not they believe in assisted suicide. They also provide plenty of tips for organizing your trust, and taxes! You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how she's still single. Even though I will kiss your butt four times every night if you ask me to.

My guest today, you know her, you love her She's got so many credits I had to pull up her dang IMDB page You know her from Kevin from work An episode of Life in Pieces The return of the Mac Adam ruins everything Grandmother's gold, alone together

A TV pilot I saw the taping of But didn't go to air so close, the cool kids, I feel bad, ooh baby, it's Poonam Pichai! Yay! Poonam, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. What a treat, what a dream, how are you today? I'm good, I was telling you earlier my mom's in town So it was nice to have something to do where I'm like, I gotta go

I'm a busy working actor, I have to go I'm a busy working actor, I have to go talk about my love life On a Saturday afternoon She's like, what is the podcast about? Well I had to first explain to her what a podcast is Oh that's so funny And then she was like, what radio channel can I hear it on? And I's like, what is the podcast about? Well, I had to first explain to her what a podcast is. Oh, that's so funny. And then she was like, what radio channel can I hear it on? And I was like, forget it. That's so adorable. It was very sweet. I don't think she still understands it, which as I was explaining it, it's like a weird concept. It is. It is radio, not on the radio. Yeah. And she's like, so there's like ads. And I was like,

well, not during it. And some are about different things. She's like, well, what are you going to talk about? And I was like, well, dating. And she's like, well, what do you have to say? And I was like, oh, the shade. Wow. Your mom is a shady queen. She is like the probably one of the first she came in yesterday morning, like one of the first questions she asked. She's like, so like I thought maybe I was going to come here and you were going to surprise me with something. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she's like, you know, and I was like, surprise you like with the relationship. She's like, yeah, boyfriend, girlfriend.

I think she thinks that the only reason I'm single is because I'm in the closet and haven't told her. And I'm like, two things have nothing to do with each other. I love how progressive parents are getting. Yeah. Like the baby boomers are now like, I'll take gay. I don't care as long as you're in a relationship. Right. Like find another gay Indian, but like be gay, fine.

Does your family want you to marry another Indian person? I think they did for a long time. And now they'll just be happy if it's a person. Like, I feel like I've really, like, broken them down on, like, all aspects of life. But there was a time where they were, like, very gung-ho about it. Because my sister married another Patel, and he's a doctor. They have, like, two purebred children purebred like beautiful indian family successful and so she kind of like fucked it up for me but now i think they see that it's just not gonna happen so do you think a relationship's never

gonna happen no like i just don't know if i'm going to marry an Indian guy. Ah, fair. Oh, I should say on the podcast, I'm getting over a little bit of a cold, so that's why I sound like this. So you said Patel. Patel's a very, it's like there's a lot of Patels in India. Yeah, there's like one state in India that we're from, and I don't know the percentage, but like probably over half the people there are Patels. It's like Smith.

Oh, interesting. So it's super, super common. It's kind of weird, but kind of cool. I wonder where Smith came from. Blacksmith. Oh. Like weren't last names like your profession for a while? Like Shoemaker.

Oh, my God. I had no idea. Or maybe I did know deep down. Those are probably the two I can only think of. Like Shoemaker, Smith. Smith. I don't know what Jones would be. Farmer.

I know one person with the last name Farmer. My last name is Buyer. So maybe I come from a legacy of people who buy things. God knows. I love buying things. I just redecorated my house, and I bought so many things. Did you have to make room for it, or you just keep piling it up? No, I lived in an empty house for a year and a half.

Why? Because people tell you to live in the space first, and I really took that to heart. Also, I was afraid I was never going to work again, and I was worried that I had made a huge mistake and that I wasn't going to be able to afford it. I was going to have to sell it anyway. But life has been okay. I think it's good because then you probably like lived a year without all that. And so you know what you actually need. Yes. Everything else is just like fun extra now. I took a test and I'm a maximalist. What does that mean?

It means I love a lot of junk. You ever see those rooms where there's like a wallpaper pattern and then like a striped couch and then like a leopard print rug and then a bunch of weird tchotchkes everywhere?

Yeah. That's what I want. But I don't have the budget for it. And I got a decorator because I don't know how to put anything together. And she would be like, okay, this, this, and this. And I'd be like, okay. And then she'd send me the proposal and I'd a decorator because I don't know how to put anything together and she would be like, okay, this, this, and this.

And I'd be like, okay. And then she'd send me the proposal and I'd be like, oh, how about just a couch and I'll do the tchotchkes later? Furniture is really expensive. People are spending thousands of dollars on couches.

Yes, it's so expensive. And then also, it takes months to get delivered. Yeah. No, I'm good at decorating on the cheap if you want any assistance for free because I don't like my bed. Maybe I'll spend a little bit more because I have to like

sleep on it and that's like for my health. But everything else I like don't understand the concept of spending like a lot on furniture. I'd rather buy like moderately to cheap priced furniture and then like get to change it up. I agree with you. I did spend money on my mattress. Yeah. It was a little pricey but it's so comfortable. That's your

health though. My god, I've been sleeping on a thrift store mattress for six years. No, no, no. Six years. Every time I turn over I'd be like You deserve more. And every time I I turned over, I'd be like, You deserve more. And every time I had sex on it, I'd be like, It was so loud and squeaky, and I don't know why. Was it the frame or the mattress?

The mattress, because I had it on one frame and it squeaked. Then I got a different frame and it still squeaked. So I was like, oh, it's definitely a very poorly made mattress. We've got to get you off the springs. And that's why it's in a thrift store. Well, now I don't know what the fuck's in my mattress, but it's like, oh, maybe. I didn't ask. Do you feel like when you sink in?

I don't sink in per se because I went to sit and sleep in the valley. And a man named Wayne helped me. And Wayne had me sleep in this chamber, or not sleep, I had to lay in this chamber and it like took, I don't know, maybe it weighed me. Maybe it was a secret thing where I was like, we gotta get this big bitch on a big ass mattress. I don't know, but I watched this video

and I was like, here are the contours of your body. It's important. You gotta sleep on a good mattress and I'm a red mattress person. Wait, it had to do with your body, not how you sleep? I thought usually it's by like, are you a side sleeper, a stomach sleeper, back sleeper? Well, it had me lay on my back, and then it talked to me for a while, and then it had me sit or lay in my preferred sleep position. Which is?

On my side. My cough is terrible. Oh, no. But the podcast can't stop. I have to keep talking. The people need me. They need to hear what we have to say. Isn't that insane that I'm like, oh, I'm very ill, but I must persevere.

Must keep talking. The people need to hear me speak every week. Okay, so we talked a lot about beds and furniture. Poonam, are you, so you are single currently. I am so single. Are you looking to mingle? I feel like I'm always kind of looking to mingle, but I was actively not for a long time. but I was actively not for a long time.

Like I was actively like nobody touched me. Nobody kissed me. No one's allowed inside of me. Like nothing. I just like couldn't, I just didn't want it. I was just so, I think sometimes when you go through breakups, you're just kind of like, no, everyone get the fuck away from me. I can't do it.

And I was just like, I had to reclaim my space, everything. And I think I just associated dating with like someone that's gonna come and like fuck up my life fair I didn't see it as something that could like supplement my life or like make it better because it had only made it worse and then it was all the times that I was like single was when I was like having the best times of my life so I was, why would I change this ever? But enough time has passed now where I'm like, I see the pleasure of companionship. And obviously physically you can only go so long without, you know.

And so I feel like recently I started like getting back on the apps. Okay, which ones are you on? I'm on Hinge. So I was on Tinder. I got off Tinder like getting back on the apps. Okay. Which ones are you on? I'm on Hinge. So I was on Tinder. I got off Tinder and I'm on Hinge. But I applied for Raya. Oh, are you waitlisted? I don't know.

They still haven't gotten back to me. But I don't understand how it works. Someone referred me with their friend code. So I used that. And then you'd like pick people you knew on it so I picked like three people and they're like thanks for your interest in joining our community but it's been weeks and so I'm like do they tell you if you've been rejected they I don't know if they tell you if you've been rejected but my experience was I applied and then they put me on a wait list for

two years and what is going on? When you get on, you'll see that there's not a lot of black and brown people on it. So I truly think it's racism at its finest. Also, I'm not a desirable. I'm a fat black lady. I'm at the lowest of the totem pole. There's a lot of Australian DJs on it. What?

So truly, you're not missing out. Wait, so are they like going through your Instagram and like looking at pictures of you to see if you're cool? I honestly don't know what the actual process is. My understanding was it's like people with like big Instagram followings and then like the moderately successful to the. But you're like a actually successful person. But I'm still not desirable I must in the grand scheme of things I think I'm great well now I don't want to get on it I mean it's an experience but like you'll probably get approved I'm confused by it too

because I was like oh like maybe it'll be cool because they'll be like fellow maybe creative people or people with like schedules like ours where it's like not a nine to five. Because I'm not trying to like date someone with a nine to five because it's like. Yeah, I think that would be super hard to date someone with a nine to five. Yeah, I think just like by proxy, I would start to feel depressed because I like you've had nine to five before. Yes. And when you're in it, you're like, oh, yeah, this sucks. But now once we're out of it, I'm like, it was, like, actively making me depressed.

What was your last 9 to 5? I was a editor at Groupon. What does that mean? You edit the Groupons? Where it's like, you get $20 off. And you're like, that's actually 20%. Yeah. I'm like, you didn't use the right. They have, like, they have like a whole language they use for certain types of deals.

And then, you know, they have their like funny write-ups. But I was not in charge of writing any of the jokes, which I was like, what a waste. What a waste. Yeah, I was in charge of like, you know, grammar and then like certain style stuff. It was soul-sucking. But it was a nice environment to work in and they were very flexible and I was like such a mess while I was working there. So I'm surprised I didn't get fired.

But I was a very big mess at Lane Bryant when I worked there. I think they didn't fire me because they were trying to keep me alive. I would like not show up to work and a manager would call me like, Nicole, are you OK? I'd be like, yes. Are you going to come in today? I'm like, I don't think so. And they're like, Nicole, are you okay? I'd be like, uh, yes. They'd be like, are you going to come in today? I'm like, I don't think so. And they're like, will you come in tomorrow? Uh, yes.

And that was how I worked there for a full, I think, two years. That's two years? Well, I was also like 18. So I think they were like, if we release her into the wild the way she is, she might die. Like there was days where I'd come in reeking like alcohol, kind of looking disheveled, still a little drunk. And this woman named Miss Clarice, I'll never forget her, would rub me down with scented lotion. Because she's like, you can't sell jeans smelling like a liquor store. Baby, you can't do that.

Can you imagine a time in your life where the one thread keeping you there is Lane Bryant? I know. I know. It's wild. That is really insane. Yep. That was truly what was keeping me alive. The women at Lane Bryant.

Not Lane herself. Not Lane herself. I never got to meet Lane. She never made a store visit. No, Lane never came in. I would love to think that, like, Lane is a homebound woman who is so fat. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, just, like, huge and, like, doesn't care because she's like, I have so much money.

And, like, literally I can make clothes in whatever size I want. Yeah, like, who fucking cares? Yeah, I'll wear this sheet for the rest of my life if I want to. Sometimes I think that if I ever gave up acting, I would just move to, like, Arizona, get a small little place with a pool and eat myself to death. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Right? I like two years ago, I would like, the doctor was like, you're pre-diabetic.

And I was like, huh? And then I was like, you knew this was going to happen. Like, I'm out of control. I have like the worst sweet tooth. I'm out of control. And so I was like, well, yeah, okay, that makes sense. And they were like, you have to get on this like metformin, which is like diabetes medication. I was like, wait, hold on.

Like you said I'm pre, like, can I have a chance to like try? And so I started like working on stuff and I was like, okay, yeah. And then like I got my blood sugar down and I was like, great, good, did it. But now that I did it, I'm like, I don't realize it's something that can fluctuate. I just think I achieved this goal, and now I'm like back to my pre-diabetic ways. And sometimes I am just kind of like, would it be the worst thing?

To be diabetic? You just have to do insulin, right? Yeah, or take metformin. What's that? It's like a medication that helps you not resist insulin. So it helps you process sugar. So I'm like, and obviously you have to like take that medication and then, you know, affect like, you know, your diet and exercise and whatever. But sometimes I am kind of like, would I rather live a shorter life where I'm happier than a long one where I have to work so hard to be healthy?

And I, more often than not, I would choose the shorter one. I agree with you. I honestly think life is too long anyway. My mom today was like, I only want to live for 10 more years. She's 60. And I was like, she's like, I don't want to live past 70. And I was like, okay. I agree with your mom.

I don't want to live past 70. Oh, no. Like, what is there for me after 70? 75, 80, and you. I agree with your mom. I don't want to live past 70. Oh, no. Like, what is there for me after 70? 75, 80, and then I can't walk, and then I'm like, let me in a diaper. Like, I don't want that. No, and the minute other people have to start helping you take care of yourself, I'm like, no. I don't want to. I don't want that at all.

That's why I believe in assisted suicide as well. Like, in extreme cases, I feel like I've seen certain documentaries and I'm like, yeah, if I got a disease where I couldn't actually express how I felt, but I still was thinking it, but I was trapped in my own body, what good is that doing anyone?

It's not doing me good, it's not doing my friends and family good. This went really dark. I mean, that's where the conversation goes sometimes, you know? Talking about Teehee's love, and you're like, it's just a suicide. I believe it assisted suicide. I think in extreme cases, suicide is a bummer. Yes.

But then also, sometimes I'm like, well, if that person was so upset, well, now they're not. Yeah. It's a tricky, tricky subject. Yeah. And it's based in, like, so many different things that we can't possibly understand. But, gosh, I do wish peace for people. I do, too. And honestly, if you're listening, I talk a lot about therapy.

And you're feeling sad talk to someone talk to a therapist there's sliding scale therapy there's there's a ton of therapy outlets out there that I feel like people don't know about like sliding skills great because all you have to do is bring a paste up and they're like oh you're poor as fuck here you could pay three dollars and I'll talk to you for an hour. You know, or call like a hotline or something. There's online ones as well. There's Talkspace, which I do ads for. Oh, I've never heard of that. Where you like text a therapist

and they text you back some stuff. That's helpful. I think so. I think just talking to any old person is good. Like sometimes you can just talk to someone on the bus. I mean, people have told me their whole life stories while I've been on the bus when I lived in New York. Oh, my God, yeah. And I'm too polite sometimes, and I'll talk back.

And sometimes that's what a person needs. They just need a human interaction. I know, and what is it doing to us? Nothing, but if it helps someone, we might as well. I think also maybe we're similar in the sense that, like, people really want to tell us stuff. Mm-hmm. of a sense that like people really want to tell us stuff. Like I think I create a space, which I'm glad I create a safe space, but like people, even people I don't really know, like always really want to like tell me stuff.

I was on a date a couple weeks ago. And this is also why I've like- How did you meet this person? What app? He was on Tinder. Okay. We go on a date. We get drinks at Melrose U was on Tinder. Okay. We go on a date. We get drinks at

Melrose Umbrella Company. Cute. And it's like going well and he's probably my exact height but I'm trying not to be shallow. Because whenever I'm on these apps, I'm like, God, why is everyone listing their height? Why are all these guys being like, because

apparently that's important. I'm like, who cares? And then I go on a date with a guy that's short. And I'm like, yuck, gross, you little hobbit. I know, truly. And I was like, don't be like shallow, Poonam. It's just height, you know? So I'm like, oh, this is a great conversation. This is going well.

And then I was like, wow, he talks a lot. And then I'm like, oh, that's good. Because like sometimes, you know, especially as comedians, we feel like we always have to keep the conversation going. So I was like, okay, yeah. So we go on a second date, and it's still really fun. And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Make it out.

I'm having a great time. Then we go on a third date, and he spends the first 20 minutes talking about the movie Arrival. Oh, no. Why? Why would he ever? He was like, have you seen it? I was like, yeah, like two years ago. Very old movie and notval. Oh, no. Why? Why would he ever? He was like, have you seen it? I was like, yeah, like two years ago.

Very old movie and not great. Oh, my God. It like blew my mind. You're the part of the Chinese ambassador. And I was like, what? And he like nonstop like would not shut up about it. And I was like, who cares? And then I'm going to get to how this relates to what we were talking about.

I hope he doesn't listen to this. But if he does, maybe he'll learn that, like, you can. You have to have an exchange of energies in any sort of interaction, whether it's a date or even a conversation with a stranger. You cannot, like, dominate like this. Especially with the movie Arrival. Arrival. It's very old. And when I was like, oh, yeah, I think I saw it, but it was like a long time ago.

Then why are you like then taking the next 20 minutes to go into detail about a movie that I just told you I don't really remember and I saw a long time ago? And he's like, do you remember that part? And I'm like, no, I don't. Because I don't. Why are we talking about this? So then because I'm like insane, I'm like, yeah, I guess I'll go on another date with him. Because I always think like, okay, what if I'm go on another date with him. Because I always think like, okay, what if I'm just being too judgy

or what if it's me? Like, give someone a chance. But what I've learned is like, I really need to trust my gut instinct because I am too nice and people like take that as me being interested. But I'm just being nice. So we go to brunch at Blue Jam Cafe. Not brunch.

I don't like it. I've never been. But I feel like brunch is a very big step. Oh, my God. I was like during the daytime. Yeah, I didn't wear makeup. Wow, you're brave. But I kept my sunglasses on. Yeah.

I kept my sunglasses on. This is a product of you talking about arrival for hours. Yes. I've arrived, okay? And I was like, I guess I'm just trying to like experiment at this point. I'm not even joking. For the first 40 minutes of brunch, he did nothing but talk about himself to the point where he's like, oh, what else? What else?

What else did I want to tell you? I'm like, you're trying to think of stuff to talk about instead of asking me any sort of question. Finally, he's like, how was your week? And I was like, okay. Then he starts like talking about some person that he saw on Facebook that was like posting like really dark stuff on Facebook. He's like, so I like reached out to him and I'm just going to read you the messages. He pulls up his Facebook Messenger, which first of all, you have to have like a separate messenger to send messages on Facebook. Wait, really? Yeah, because who's sending messages on Facebook anymore?

I guess this guy. He starts going through them and like basically starts talking about a dark time in his life too. And then I'm literally, I have my coat on, my bag on my shoulder, my sunglasses on.

I'm like waiting for him to like shut the fuck up so I can leave. So you go, okay, my sunglasses on. I'm like waiting for him to like shut the fuck up so I can leave. So you go, okay, bye-bye. Truly, but he just like kept opening up about like all this stuff in his life. Oh, no. And I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I'm like, don't put that on me. This is a poor day. No, it's not fair.

It's so unfair. And if I want to know, I'll ask. But don't just start talking about, and also, you're a straight white guy. What you went through in elementary school when you thought you were maybe a bully, I don't fucking care. When you thought you were maybe a bully is so funny. Oh, and the things that he actually should feel bad about, he was like, yeah, but it's fine. And I'm like, this is effed up. I feel like he was emotionally manipulating you.

Oh, absolutely. Because I feel like the only reason to ever open up on a fourth date like that is if, like, you just finished fucking or something and someone looks at you and you're like, tell me a dark secret. Right. Like, there are some people out there like that. Sometimes I do things like that. It's like, you know, you're just being weird.

But you read the room. But yeah, if they're like that it's like you know you're just being weird but yeah they're like oh no thank you and if he's like sitting there with sunglasses on and his fanny pack around his waist and a coat on then like oh okay so you're trying to leave and maybe I shouldn't try to like dig deeper oh my god so wild I was in Seattle a couple weeks ago and I was waiting for my uber my Lyft outside the hotel and this old he was like pretty crusty but like in good spirits homeless man came right up to me and he went wow welcome to Seattle oh I hope you enjoy it and I went oh my god thank you and he went ha ha oh yeah yeah yeah you're. And then there was like

four other people on the street and he stopped, looked at them and kept walking. And I was like, why did I get that? Why was it only for me? People on the street. Yeah. If there is a person who maybe is having a rough time. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, this lady wants what I'm serving. So he thought you needed it the most. I guess he did. I was going to say maybe he thought you'd be the most receptive because you have a warm presence about you. I also think I have a round face, which is akin to like Dora the Explorer or a cartoon.

Very non-threatening. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I remember that face shape from a childhood. Yeah. I like her. We wear like bright, fun colors, too. And we usually are, like, smiley or, yeah.

You do have a warm, inviting presence. I feel like the first time I met you may have been with our mutual friend, Dory, or, like, at an audition. Yeah. And we, like, just happened to speak, and you were just so nice. Thanks. Like, I feel like at auditions, people are, they're not nice. They're kind of like cutthroat-y or fake nice. Like so nervous too.

Or nervous, like give you a weird fucking vibe. Oh gosh, yeah. And you're like, oh, you should have left that in your car. You're not going to book this. No, no, no. There's definitely an offer out. None of us are going to book this. Yes, truly.

Or the worst is like when they're so cold like in the audition room or whatever and they're just like all nervous or whatever. And as soon as like the casting person comes out, they're like, hey, oh my God, the rain, right? I'm soaking. I feel like a wet dog. And you're like, where the fuck did that person come from? Wow, you turn it on and off, you sociopath. Seriously, I'm like, where were you the past five minutes?

You know me. I walk into a room and I'm like, my friend! What a treat, what a treat! Uh-oh, I should have learned these lines. Who knows?

The guy's like, hey, Nicole. I'm like, truly. I'm like, where's the bathroom at? Like, I always have to immediately go to the bathroom.

That's what I asked you last time I saw you at the last audition we were at. And I had an answer for you. Where's what I asked you last time I saw you at the last audition we were at. And I had an answer for you. Put him in the bathroom. Right outside. Make a right at your first door on the right.

Take that key. It's locked. Oh, man. That audition did not go well for me. No, and you know what's so funny? I'm, like, not someone who's like, oh, my God, I fucking nailed it. And I left that audition and I was like, I think I did like pretty good. And like when my friend was running lines, she's like, this character feels like really you.

And I was like, yeah, it does, right? So I go in there and they're laughing and I like walk out there with like my head held high. And I was like, wow, I actually feel like I could really have a chance at this. And I like email my agent and I was like, listen, I felt like pretty strong about this and I think they were like really feeling me. And he's like, awesome. Yeah. He emails them.

They immediately email back. Very funny. Not moving forward. I was like, oh my God, is my barometer just totally off? That truly happens to me all the time. I'll email and be like, wow. I think it's going to be a straight offer. I don't think I have to test.

Like, this is going to be wild, y'all. Ooh, baby got a pilot. And then my agent will be like, oh no, they have so many notes. And they want to see if you'll put yourself on tape because you were so bad. And I'm like, oh, well, okay. But like, that's a part of acting, being delusional. Oh, yeah. Like it's delusional to think out of like 200 people

that you're the one person who's going to get the part. Absolutely, especially when it was written for like a 40-year-old white woman named Julia. Like I am not a Julia. I go out for a lot of parts that are named like Carl or Craig. And they're like, uh, it was a man, but like open ethnicity and we're open to a black. Thank you so much. I love the phrase open.

Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for thinking. Technically, this should go to a white, but we're being open. We're like opening ourselves up to other less appealing options in 2019 and we realize it's a colorful world yeah auditioning is uh like a different type of hell absolutely it's meant to drive us insane the minute i get an email that says audition or anything until i like leave and can hit flush on my brain i I'm like, I gotta go.

I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta memorize. Like it's just so, and I try and be chill about it. And I try and be cool. But you can't because you're like, this is a job interview. Exactly. And I want to work.

Yeah. I want to work. Sometimes you have to go on three auditions in a day. That's three job interviews. Where you have to be like, not only am I cool in person, but I am a coherent actress who can memorize lines. Yeah, that were clearly not written for me. Yes.

And then, oh, I had one audition where I punched up the script, made it a little funnier. I'm proud of you. In the room, they were like, tee-hee-hee, ooh, baby. And then I had a producer session where they were like, so can you just do the script as written because the writer will be there and we don't want to offend him. And I was like, oh, poor baby. Then I did it as written to no tee hee hees.

Yeah. And then they didn't cast me in it. And I was like, well, you brought me back because I made you laugh because I did some fun things. Let me do the fun things, baby. And like what level of narcissism are you living at that you think what you've written is the best it can ever be? Like that there's nothing to improve on. It is absolute perfection. And you've heard the words a thousand times. They can't possibly still be funny to you.

And guess what? It's not going to say Nicole Byer on the writing credit. You're going to get credit for your hilarious moves. I'll improvise and you'll get credit for it. I will get zero credit for any of it. Sometimes when things air, I always want to be like, this was improvised. This was improvised. I came up with this.

Oh, yeah. I'm brilliant. But you can't do that. Oh, no. You would be a fucking loony tune. You can probably in like a slick way be be like oh my gosh we were having so much fun with this scene I that wasn't that wasn't planned or like oh my god I added that at the end of a scene I didn't think they'd actually keep it in I feel like that's like fishing for a compliment oh absolutely it hold on. We have to take a break.

And we're back. What a quick little break. Oh, what a treat. Who knows what? Ad was red. Probably an insane one. I don't know. So the guy, you met him on Tinder.

Have you met anybody on Hinge? I've only got on dates with, so I got on these apps in like January. So I've only gone on dates with three guys. And I think they had actually all might have been from Tinder. Hinge I've like messaged with people. But like I'm not on it and I don't like putting the notifications on for it. Me either. That's sad. It's insane.

And I don't want it to pop up and be reminded that I have to do this. That I can't just like meet someone in a grocery store or something where I want to. But that shit doesn't happen. No, it doesn't. I was talking to a comic last night who had a very cute meet cute story. He was in a coffee shop, saw this girl, thought she was beautiful, was trying to figure out how to talk to her. So then finally he was like, can you watch my computer while I go to the bathroom? He didn't have to go to the bathroom,

but he's like, I have to follow through. Came back and she was like, yeah, looked at it. And then they like went their separate ways and then they matched on Bumble and then they started dating. What? Isn't that so fucking cute? Yes, that's very sweet.

I have another fucking friend who this girl saw him on Bumble and then didn't wait for them to match, found him on Instagram, DM'd him, and now they're fucking together.

And I was like, let me tell you the DMs. And they didn't think she was psycho or anything. No. No. I would be like,

you trying to fucking kill me or something? I would be so perplexed. If you're not on it all the time and I'm like messaging with someone and then maybe I'll go like a day or two and they'll not on it all the time and I'm messaging with someone and then maybe I'll go a day or two and they'll be like,

guess you died. And I'm like, I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't owe you anything. I don't fucking owe you shit. I don't have to message you as soon as you message me. If I disappear for two days, that's okay because I owe you nothing. I don't even know your last name.

Here's a DM that I got. Oh, no. You don't need six dating apps, love. I hope you're still looking for a big dick because I got you covered. I got one. I get like ones where they're trying to be funny. Mm-hmm.

Like one, I had like a picture of me in like a yellow dress and they're like, wow, they were clearly trying to make you look like Mindy Kaling in that one picture. And they're like, wow, they were clearly trying to make you look like Mindy Kaling in that one picture. And I was like, whoa, are these white dudes saying that? Yes, of course it is. And I'm like, is she the only Indian person that wears yellow dresses? Like, what does this even mean?

I, that bums me out so much when it's usually a white person can only, only has one other person of your ethnicity in their lexicon. And that's the only truly sameness that they can come up with. It bums me out so hardcore. Cause I'm like all these little white girls look exactly alike. Oh yeah. Like for the longest time, I didn't know the difference between amy adams and captain

a marvel lady what's her name oh um brie larson yeah i thought they were the same person for so long and um ollie g what's his name his wife yes oh she looked a little triplet yeah yeah they look almost identical absolutely and all the emas look the same. Yes. And, yeah. It's so bonkers to me. Like, because people will be like, oh, you look like Monique. I'm like, truly, I don't. I can't with that.

You look like Lonnie Love. Truly. What? I don't. I got mistaken for Lonnie Love at Montreal. I was backstage for my friend's taping for something, and the person working it looked at me and was like, Hi, Lani.

And I was like, Oh, no. And the person was holding a picture of Lani. In the picture, she had braids. In person, she had braids. Also, I think you're like 15 years younger than her. No shade or anything. First and foremost. Truly.

We don't look alike. You don't look alike at all. It is so bonkers to me. Like, I can't imagine messaging a random white dude and be like, hey, Tom Cruise. Right? Like, what? Yeah, it's, and what's even worse about it is like, that's your first thing you're saying to me. This is what you thought would be the best thing to say to me.

This is what you thought would make me be like, oh, my God, yeah. I did an improv show. It was me, Sashir, and our other friend, Keisha, were three black women. And we were like, can we get a suggestion? And the person was like, Destiny's Child. Bye. And we were like can we get a suggestion and the person was like uh destiny's child bye and we were like oh cool you thought because you saw three black women you could just scream the name of three other black women so we did like an actual pretty solid show where we deconstructed racism a little bit but we made it funny yes of course of course you have to comedy they have to

be able to swallow a bunch of white people like people were like, he, he, he, we're on the right side. And then afterwards, the guy was like, that was so funny. I was going to yell out the Supremes. And we were like, cool. Way to double down on your fucking racism, dude. I can't. It's, yeah, it's infuriating. And in L.A., like when you're dating and on these apps, it's almost shocking how many garbage, awful people are out there. And they don't even realize how garbage they are because this is them putting their best foot forward.

It is kind of wild that like I've gone on dates with people who seem awful at first, and then I'm surprised that they continue to be awful. But you just said it. People do put their best foot forward first. This is them trying. Yes. And it's bad. And it must work on somebody. Well, it probably works on a lot of people.

I think a lot of women are told by a certain age, you got to find someone, you got to get married, you got to have kids. So you hit that certain age and you're like uh anybody truly

any old person who treats me like trash I will be the trash put me in a dumpster I'll be trash and like I don't want to have kids so like

that takes the pressure off a lot of things like I don't even know if marriage like has to happen for me I kind of just want like a companion but I also like more

and more think about how long this life is, how big this world is. And the idea that I'm only supposed to be with one person seems really limiting and crazy to me. I don't think I'm evolved enough to be like completely in an open relationship. But that is something I feel like I would want to aspire to. To be confident enough where I could like have a partner or for the rest of my life have four or five more great loves. And be open enough to be like and we also have needs outside of each other and we can fulfill those without seeing it as a reflection on each other. Like that feels so evolved to me. I feel like it's evolved and I feel like it takes, you have to be very, very self-assured

to be able to have the conversations with somebody like that. Because you have to talk about it. And I feel like people don't talk openly about their feelings when they're in relationships, which leads to like cheating or like resentment and shit like that. But it's like if we all just kept talking, it would probably be great. I think it's the great Carrie Bradshaw who once said, you get three great loves in your life.

I buy that. Yeah. I don't think you're meant to be with one person for forever because you evolve and you change. And like they, not that people are here just to serve me, but like I will need different things in different phases of my life. And I'll connect with different things because I'll be different. And who's to say if I, like, pick one person now that they'll evolve at the same rate as me and change in the same ways as me.

So to, like, be beholden to someone simply for the fact because we've been told we have to feels like kind of insane to me and also I'm like in this stage of my life where I'm like really trying to pursue what is good for me and not just what excites me because like to be honest I just love a bad boy and that makes me sound so basic and I hate it about myself but, the people that excite me are, like, I get excited by, like, dark men. Like, there's a darkness in them. They're effed up. They're probably kind of rude and crass. I love that you're saying effed up.

I've been saying fuck all. I think this is the second time you've said effed or effed up, and I really love you're censoring yourself I'm effed up but I love a bad boy I also I guess I do like a bad boy or I used to really like men who didn't give me attention where I would have to throw myself at them and be like hey I know if you spend time with me you're gonna want to want to marry me. Oh, because it's a reward then when they do. You're like, I got them. And I feel like also it's almost like comedy or having an acting career. You have to be persistent and you have to keep putting yourself in front of people

who've said, oh, I don't really like you. And you're like, are you sure? What about in this part? What about in this part? What about in this part? So I feel like I was doing that in relationships and with men. And now I have to just be like,

if he wants me or if she wants me, if they want me, they're going to, they will be there for me. They will pay attention to me. Absolutely. It's kind of infuriating, though, because then it's like I've gone on a couple of dates with someone now and it's like the person that is being consistent and is like actively being respectful and pursuing me and being like very sweet. I'm like. Yeah, because I feel like maybe you're an aggressive lady. I'm pretty aggressive. Yeah.

So I feel like. Well, also, I was told I have a little bit more testosterone than most women. So for a while I was like, well, I guess I'm a hermaphrodite. And I told friends that. And then I went back to the doctor and I told the doctor that I told people I had come out as a hermaphrodite. She was like, you're not. And I was like, oh, whoa. Okay.

So I guess I truly leapt to an insane conclusion. She was like, you surely did. But, yeah, so, like, I'm a little bit more aggressive so I do like chasing men but I did date this one dude who was interested in me was kind to me uh when I told him things I needed he adjusted to what I needed and I was like oh wow this is nice. This feels way nicer than chasing somebody. Now I get it. And I was like, we don't, we're not like, we kind of chased each other to a point where we're like,

oh no, we definitely do like each other. So now I was like, oh, okay. As I move forward, now I have this relationship that I had. This, it has to be better or just as good as this. I can't go backwards. No, that's so true. And I'm learning to do that. But like, there is just something about me it has to be better or just as good as this. I can't go backwards. No, that's so true. And I'm learning to do that. But like, there is just something about me where it's like,

I will be attracted to the darkness and I will like let them suck the joy out of me. And I'll be like, but they need it. It's okay. Well, also, I think it's like a thing where a lot of women think they can fix a man. Oh, God. And I have learned the hard way that I like literally have no control over anyone. Oh, it I hate it. It's awful. Yeah. Oh, I was in a relationship where it ended and it was something out of my control. But like now I tell jokes about it on stage. And that's me getting my control back. Yeah. Because I was like, I can control

what the audience how they feel for this 10 minutes. So it's like, I talk about how good the relationship is and then I talk about the turn in it. So everyone's on my side and then at the turn, they're just like, oh no. And I'm like, yes.

I'm the puppet master and I'm making you guys feel things and I like it because I can control anything. Truly. That's truly, honestly, the worst part I think of a relationship is you cannot control anything. And with my career, and then with like a lot of things in life, I can control a lot of

things. If I don't want to see people, I don't leave my house. No. If I want to go somewhere, I get in my car and go somewhere. If I don't want to audition for something, I don't audition for it. If I want to do my podcast while I'm sick, I do it. But with a dude, it's like, I want you to be there for me. And he's like, no. And you're like, what? But like what but but I've said something you're not what okay all right

yeah and like also we like choose who we want in our life and the people that are in our like I think probably the same for you like all my friends are like so funny and so interesting that like I'm good. So then when I venture out of that and have to, like, get to know someone different, I'm like, but now why am I choosing this? And it's like, well, because you're not making out with your friends. Yes. But, like, it's hard. And I don't believe in this whole, like, but when you find the one it'll just feel different I think it's just like when you connect with someone you'll connect with them and you just have to like go out with a bunch of people you

don't connect with until then but like I have to like put my clip-in extensions in and put on a face of makeup and I was like in therapy a couple weeks ago my therapist is like well I know you do that because of the pressure and you want to feel confident you want to feel your most attractive on a date she's like but what if you just like didn't do that and I'm like right but that's hard but it's like they're eventually gonna see that side of me because most days I'm not you know I don't have my weave in and I don't have a full face of makeup on. But there's something about that first date where, like, it does make you feel more confident to know you at least, like, look good. Yeah, I like to be full face of makeup.

I love having a good wig on. I like looking good. Yes. And then I've never been to a point with a dude where he has seen me without makeup on. Really? Yeah, and I don't know I don't know when that happens I guess well I haven't been in like a real actual relationship I've only been in this I was in a very dysfunctional relationship for like three years where it was like very manipulative and, I was always there for him, but he was not always there for me.

But then always would be like, I love you. And I'd be like, well, he said he loved me, so, like, I guess I'll just be his little cum dumpster. I hate it. Yeah, I'm very happy to be over it. Also, I haven't heard from him in, like, two years. And I'm like, should I text him and be like, where are you? And then I was like, why? That's a blessing why I dated someone and it probably ended the worst anything I've ever been in has ended

like it was probably the most traumatic breakup of my life and I was like what the hell it was like one of those relationships where I look back on it and I'm like don't even like recognize yourself. I had become like kind of like, oh, okay, yeah, sure. Oh, is it okay if I – like that is not me. I'm like, what do you want? Get away from me. And so it's like you don't even recognize yourself. But like I think it's a blessing that this person is not contacting you because I've now had to block this person. And they are still contacting me via email

and now I just finally blocked him via email. And it's like devastating to do that to a person. Yeah. And it really just like, especially if it ended poorly and they mistreated you, there's just nothing, like it doesn't serve you in any way. There's like no purpose of having connection

with that person still when all they did was bring bad energy into your life. Yeah, you're right. And also it is wild how much a person can suck the you out of you. Yes. Like I would be hanging out with friends. He would text and I'd be like, I have to go. And they'd be like, where are you going?

I'd be like, oh, you know, I just I got to go get a toothbrush. It's like you're going to go fuck him. Yeah. And then he's going to be mean to you. And then you're going to text me about it's like you're gonna go fuck him and then he's gonna be mean to you and then you're gonna text me about it in like 3 or 4 hours why don't you just stay here with your friend who you love no

I gotta get that nasty little dick you do it's a different kind of attention because in the moment you're like yes I did it it's gonna be so different now and then it goes back to normal and you're like it's almost like in those moments we like just take whatever we can get because we want it so bad. Yeah. And then I think there was like a time in my life where I was like, this is what I deserve.

Yeah. It's like, no, girl, you deserve someone who's going to treat you right. Oh, yeah. Or like if you're with someone who like gaslights you, you're just kind of like, well, it's my fault that I can't understand. I'm not on his intellectual level. Yes. People shouldn't care about these things. I shouldn't care if he doesn't have a job. Yeah. I don't know why there isn't like a class about healthy relationships in addition to like sex ed. Oh, yeah. There should be a class about healthy relationships in addition to, like, sex ed. Oh, yeah. There should be a class about relationships and, like, taxes.

Yes. But instead, we have to do, like, geometry, which we never use. I use it all the time. The hypotenuse of this right triangle of this microphone is two. I don't know. I've never fucking used geometry. Exactly. And, like, I still don't understand taxes.

So it would have been helpful. I have to pay someone to do my taxes because I don't understand them. And I don't even understand how they charge you to do your taxes. Me either. Because the amount is different every time. Every fucking time. And it's not like they have a price list. Nope.

And it's not like I have a price list. Nope. And it's not like I literally had to harass my CPA and they finally sent me like an hour by hour breakdown of how they calculated this cost. Oh.

And I was like, thank you. Also, did not know that was your effing rate. I mean, I'll still pay it because I can't do it myself.

Yeah, you can't. Like, you're kind of just stuck. Yeah. Do you have a business manager or just a CPA? Just a CPA. You you have a business manager or just a CPA? Just a CPA. You should get a business manager.

What do they do? They save me more money than a normal CPA did. Wait, really? Yeah. But do you have to pay them like a percentage of everything you make? No. So, oh, I guess I have a money manager, not a business manager. So what happens is he takes care of my corporation quarterly.

Yeah. So I get billed quarterly. But this bitch got a big fat ass tax return that she wasn't getting years before. Wait, a tax return for your corporation? Yes, bitch. Okay, we're gonna have to exchange information on that. Yes, bitch. Do they do like bookkeeping and stuff for you too? You can pay extra and they can do all that. Okay. But they do like the bare minimum for me. So like all I have to do is before they file my tax returns, I send them all of my expenses. Yeah. Like I just literally, I just send them 12 bank statements for my corporate credit card.

Yeah. And my debit card. And they go through it individually. And sometimes they'll be like, what was this? And most of it is food. Let's get real. Oh yeah. If I talk about work it's a business expense. Well I always talk about work at dinner. Most of my friends are actors.

And it's always influencing me in some way regards to work. Yes. But it's weird because you can't expense things like wigs now. Unless it's like a certain amount of money. You can't like expense like a hundred dollar weave or anything. Why?

Because if it doesn't coordinate with like a work date, it's not a business expense. But what if you need it to wear to auditions? It's our lovely president has made it harder to write things off. Wait, because I'm expensing like makeup. If you're a corporation, I think you can. Okay. I think if you're not a corporation, then you can't write off certain things. Wow, guys, you're really learning the business of being an actor. Date me. A lot of us are our own corporations because we're essentially freelancers. What is your corporation's name? It is Bonnie and Trevor

Incorporated, which are my dead parents' names. And after I named it that, I started getting mail and I burst into tears. And I was like, why are they sending me my dead parents' mail? And then I was like, oh, you did this. You absolutely did this to yourself. I wanted to name it Orphan Pussy. And my CPA at the time did not understand comedy or me. Like upon our first meeting, he was was like I hadn't done taxes in five years and he looked through all of it he's like I mean you kept everything you needed but

like it is incredible that you've been this successful being this sloppy and I was like thanks I won't say his real name thank you sir uh and then he was like what do you want your corporation name to be I said well both my parents have passed at orphan pussy and he went I won't file that and I said oh just a hard no What if I spell pussy differently? And he's like, no, that's just a preference. You're allowed to name it. He just like he wouldn't do it. He's like, you don't want that on your credit card. I was like, yes, let me. You were like, you don't know me. Of course I do. Of course I do. Because sometimes at restaurants, they'll look at it and be like, thank you, Bonnie. I would love for a server to look at it and think, thank you, orphan pussy. They can't call you either. Thank you? I really regret it.

Maybe I will change it to orphan pussy. I think you should. I think that was a preference thing. Yes. I think you're, my dad, similar, but not. The one time I had a puppy and very quickly realized I am just not a pet person. When I was younger, I wanted to name her Penny. And my dad, I guess, just didn't like that name. And so he was like, oh, there's a law where you can't name things after U.S. currency. What? So I named her Ginger. Oh, boy.

He absolutely did it. Your dad gaslit you. Yeah. Just like my old accountant gaslit me into thinking I didn't want pussy on a credit card. But it was just their preference. Yes. That is rude. It was so rude.

I say you change it. Maybe I will. It's not that much to change it. But think about the impact it'll make on you and your life and the joy it'll bring you? It would bring me joy because then I have a trust because when you die, if you don't have a trust and you don't have a will, your stuff, like all of your belongings revert back to the state of California. Are you serious?

And then your family would have to pay to like then get it back. It's like this whole thing where I was like, oh, fuck this. You just get a trust and you name a beneficiary and it goes directly to them. And then they can settle your estate. Who sets that up? This woman named Shelly Ruse in the Valley set it up for me. It's like a life insurance policy?

No, it's not a life insurance policy. So like all of your, like your bank account goes into the trust. If you own a car goes in the trust, your home goes in the trust. Anything that is part of your net worth goes in the trust uh your home goes in the trust anything that is part of your net worth goes in the trust so then it goes directly to your beneficiary and then they don't have to pay well i think they have to pay when they settle it up but it's less than it would be they don't have to pay to like access the funds oh this is a very educational session well mean, they don't teach you this fucking shit. And especially when you're like, you know, younger. We're in our 30s.

Like, why would we ever think to even set that up? Yes. But now I have like a full ass will. And then Shelly was like, Nicole, your will, it's bad. You can't make people do things. You can't make people do things in order to get things. Wait, like obstacles? There are certain things I've asked friends to do.

Oh my God. Some like little incite-y joke things where I'm like, take my ashes and do this with them. I love that though. It's a true celebration of you. That's what I want at my funeral. So, okay. I have, so Shira Zameda is one of my dear, dear friends. Love her.

She's like my best friend. So in my will, I've written out all the things that she has to do specifically because I know she'll do it. And I know it will be very time consuming and annoying, but she'll do it because she loves me. So one of them is at my funeral, can you gather just a couple of guys I've fucked and have them talk about how good my pussy was? Keep it light. Keep it fun. And I genuinely want this.

And I like not just gather them, but at the funeral in front of the mic, like talk about it, discuss it with the audience. Like pick one of our sexual experiences and talk about it. Just specifically because funerals are sad and I don't want anyone to be like, boo-hoo-hoo. Cry a little. I mean, if you don't shed a tear, fuck you. But, like, you got to giggle just a little bit. Something. Right?

Yeah, I mean, cry on your own time also. Yeah, cry at home. Why do we need everyone to publicly cry? I think funerals are more for the people who are living than the people who are dead. The people who are dead are dead. Absolutely. They're dead. Absolutely. I completely dead. Absolutely.

I completely agree. It's like to give them some sort of peace, but I think there's something torturous about wanting to see people cry and having to cry in front of a bunch of people. Yes.

At my dad's funeral, the woman that we think my dad was dating at the time of his death, my dad was a very secretive man. At one point, this woman had left, we think it's the same woman, but she had left this voicemail that was like, Trevor, I think about you in the shower. I think about you at night when I'm in my bed and I just, Trevor, I can't wait to see you. And me and my sister are listening to this with our jaws agape and I was like Catherine gross this lady left a sexy message for our dad so then we were like daddy what is this message about and then he was like Nicole that is my private property and my personal life and that's all he said about it. And I was like, but your personal life includes your kids.

Right. Can you just tell us if you've moved on? And then she, we think it's her. She came to the funeral in a very tight dress. Of course. This is like a movie. It kind of was. And she came up to us.

She didn't speak to my grandparents, but she was like, Trevor had a very special place in my heart, a real special place. And I said in the shower and she went, what? And then she like moved on. I was like, yes, definitely her. And my sister was like, Nicole. And I was like, yeah, baby. So if homegirls out there listening, I'll remember you.

Actually, I don't. I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. It was so long. It was 10 years ago. She'd have to reenact the voicemail. Oh, I would remember you. Actually, I don't. I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. It was so long. It was 10 years ago. She'd have to reenact the voicemail. Oh, I would love that. That's embedded in your mind. Okay, if you dated my dad from, I don't know,

if your relationship with my dad ended with his death in 2008 and you're listening to my podcast currently, please figure out how to send me uh this voicemail of you recreating it wait what if she don't this is like the start of a movie as well where i have a podcast and i request my dad's ex-girlfriend to send me a voicemail and then she sends it and then what what happens write the movie you guys become friends okay and you guys help each other because you're both trying to date even though you're in such different parts of your life you're both going through so many similar things and you both just

want to understand your dad more oh my god you both feel guilty moving on with your life. She feels guilty moving on romantically because she was with your dad. You feel guilty letting another man into your life because your dad was the man in your life. Oh my God. I can't wait to watch it. You have just written my indie feature debut that will debut at South by Southwest next year. And if you're not available to play

yourself, we'll get Lonnie Love, your twin. Can I play like a best friend or something? Yes. Okay. You'll definitely be in it. I'm just trying to work here. Perfect. I love it. You're like, here's the idea. I won't write it, but let me be in it. So, perfect. I can't wait. You're in it. I love it. You're like, here's the idea. I won't write it, but let me be in it. So perfect. I can't wait. You're in it. I love it. Okay. Who not? I ask most of my guests. I believe there's only three or four people I haven't asked, but would you date me? Yes,

absolutely. I would. And I would be so happy. And actually it would probably make me believe in monogamy more. I love it. I would date you. Thank you so much. I have a very good girlfriend. I give a lot of gifts. I am very giving in bed. I am very fun to be around, and I like to travel, and I like to treat. Uh-oh. If any listeners

want to hit me up. Honestly, they probably will. The most feedback I've gotten from my guests is people slide into the DMs. Wait, I know that's like maybe supposed to be a negative, but what if that's my meet cute? It might be. And no one has, oh no, I think a couple people have gone out with people who have slid into their DMs and it's been okay. No one has like made a concrete relationship out of it. And I'm waiting for it.

Maybe it's you. Maybe I should post like a cute picture of myself. Like a recent one so they can see it. Post a cute pic when we post this and then tell me what is your ideal man? Someone who can make me laugh. Okay. Someone who isn't cheap. Okay.

I don't need you to like pay for everything, but like I like to treat people, so I would like someone who wants to treat me. Someone who's not like Venmo me for half. Yeah, exactly. Someone who actually likes to travel, doesn't want to talk about it all the time, but like actually wants to like just go. Okay, who will buy a ticket and go. And you have to love food and you have to like splitting things, like getting a bunch of stuff and splitting it. food and you have to like splitting things like getting a bunch of stuff and splitting it like I can't date someone who's just like I'm gonna get this and you're gonna get that we're not gonna touch each other's plates and then looks wise oh right um no no you were going

not shallow yeah I'm trying to be less shallow I'm very shallow me too you know looks wise I will say it has really run the gamut for me. But, you know, there is something attractive about someone who is at least a little bit taller and bigger than you because— How tall are you? I'm like 5'4 1⁄2, so it's not that hard to be taller. 5'5 and up. 5'5 and up. Someone who makes me feel a little petite.

I don't need someone super buff because I don't want someone too attractive because it'll just make me feel unattractive. But I want someone who like you know is healthy. Like who's like and that's not even like a weight or a size but just doesn't look unhealthy. Exactly. There's people like at any size like when you look at them

they just like look like oh my god you probably have a messy apartment and just eat cheese all the time, which I love. But, you know, like something. You got to get out of the house. You got to see some sunlight. Yeah, I guess not even a physical thing. It's just someone, you know, here's what it is.

I'm getting to the bottom of it. Someone who cares about themselves. That's what it is. And that can physically manifest in different ways. But like there's just certain people you meet and I'm like, you just don't even care about yourself and I can't help you with that I think that's good so if you're taller than five five you are a little burly maybe lumberjack-esque you like to travel you got your own money you like to split dinners you're you like to tee hee hee slide into poonam's dms what's your instagram handle? Big Poonam.

Which is also my corporation name. Yes! Honestly, very funny. I love it. Yeah. Okay, we've come to the end. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Actually, I'm going to be on a part of a new Netflix show called Special that comes out April 12th, I believe, on Netflix.

All eight episodes drop. It's an amazing show written by the very talented Ryan O'Connell, which I believe you know as well. Yes, yes, yes. It is about his life being gay with cerebral palsy. It's so hilarious. It's got so much heart. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you cum. And when does it come out?

April 12th. That's so exciting. What a treat! Yes, I think people will really like it. Ah, Poonam, it's delightful to talk to you. You too. You're just a real dream. I just love you so much. I'm so glad we're doing it more. Right?

We just went to dinner. People don't know, but like, yeah, recently is when we just really started hanging out. Yes. But we had been dreaming about hanging out for a long time. Yes, yes, yes. And it's weird. It's a very LA thing to be like, let's hang out. And then you never hang out. Yeah.

But I was like, I genuinely like you. I want more brown friends. Yes. You're a good, normal brown friend. Because I've found some brown friends who are a little too much. Yeah. A little exhausting. A little exhausting.

And I said, oh, I don't know if you're the brown friend for me. But you're great. I fucking love you. Okay. So, honestly, Poonam is in so much stuff. Like, if you just keep your little eyes peeled, you'll see her. And she'll be so funny. If you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me,

you can subscribe on iTunes or just keep listening wherever the fuck you listen to it. And if you send me a nasty little message hitting on me, I'll read it. So this person slid into my Instagram DMs and said, I want to suck on your titties until they bleed out of the little areolas and then lick your pussy like the ice cream is melting, haphazardly to the point it's uncomfortable to watch. Oh. Okay.

That's not how areolas work. What? That's not how areolas work. No, I guess nothing comes out of the areola. Things only come out of the nipple. Right, and also you can't suck it till it bleeds. Well, I guess you could suck it till it's chafed, and then if you keep sucking it after it's chafed,

it might start bleeding. Right, or if you, like, dry out the thing and it cracks, and then, anyways. Okay. Sorry. No, it's fine. Here's another one. Hey, Nicole, you want to play Barbie?

I'll be Ken, and you can be the box I come in. This person, I don't know what your sexual orientation is, but I did hit your profile and you are very attractive. So if you are a man who is inclined to date a woman one day, any day, hit me up again because your pickup line was fine, but you fine. Oh, boy. I should go home. Okay, that's it.

Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.