Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Doing Your Own Hair (w/ Tawny Newsome)

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Comedian Tawny Newsome (Space Force) chats with Nicole about learning how to do your own hair in quarantine, their crazy fashion phases, and the current state of "Zoom dating" along with the crazy logistics behind it. For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode. Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could drive with me all the way to the poppies, which is an hour from my house, and leave me there.

And I'll find my own ride home and get to your house and say, Baby, I still love you. The poppies were nice. The ride home and get to your house and say, baby, I still love you. The poppies were nice. The ride home was bad. My guest today, you know her from bajillion dollar properties. She was on the comedy get down. She's got a new show coming out called Space Force. It's Tawny Newsome.

Hi. Hi, hi, hi. How are you today? Space Force! It's Tawny Newsome! Hi! Hi, hi, hi. How are you today? Oh, I'm good. I'm so glad to be here. I love this show. It's one of my faves. I have to tell myself that I don't know you when I see you in person, because sometimes I'll have listened to too much of you, and then I'll be like, Hey, girl! And I'm like, you better calm down. This is a stranger. I think we're a little bit more than strangers. We had a whole conversation on a hair person that we both mutually know. And you were concerned about her being able to do natural hair.

Yeah, that's true. I have reached out to you for things like that in the past. So yeah, yeah, we're profesh acquaintances. Yes. It would be nice if we were friends, but honestly, Corona's really put a hold on new friendships. That's why secretly I'm like, I love doing podcasts right now because it gives me the facsimile of friendship. You know, it You know, it's like, hey, we're hanging out. Sure, this is content, but it's also a social activity. I think it was John Gabers who said, I don't like talking to my friends unless it's being recorded and I can monetize it.

I might be making that up. It might be a different person. I don't know. He'll tell me otherwise. Can I just't know. He'll tell me otherwise. Can I just? Okay. One thing I have been enjoying about Zooming and Corona.

I mean, I don't enjoy Corona because it's killing people and it's bad, but I get to see inside people's homes and you are sitting on a luscious, sensual, supple, green couch. This is stunning. Thank you so much. It is a sleeper sofa so come on over and spend the night i really like it where is it from um it's it's one of those where i either went to joybird or apartment to be which everyone was cheaper because they kind of have the same shit you know what i'm talking about um so it's one of those where i just kept going back and forth because i feel like they copy each other or something i don't get their whole furniture business model but i was looking for a sleeper sofa i wanted this color and i wanted like a

velvet and so i found it at one of them then ordered it i like it it's very cute you also got art on the walls thank you yeah i like it i'm it. I'm here for it. Is that a mermaid? I do. I have two black lady mermaids. I love that. Supporting each other. One's in a head wrap. One's not. And it's called,

I got you girl. And then I have art by my friend and bandmate, John Langford. That's a, that's a cowboy couple. And then I've got a spontaneous nationaneanation poster for, you know, podcast friendship memories. Oh, boy.

I like that so much. I have. Yeah, what's yours? So one is a picture from my Instagram that my friend Marcy Jarreau was like, I really like this picture of you. So she blew it up and had it framed. It's me in front of a giant donut. And then the other one is just a,

I think a bridge in New York. Oh my God, it's beautiful. That is like art poppy. But yeah, I love seeing inside people's homes. It's been very enlightening lately. Truly. How have you been spending your quarantine? Which I feel like is such a stupid question, but I'm curious.

It's not stupid. Everybody's different. I'm very lucky. I live in a place where I have a lot of space. So I've been very cognizant of the fact that a lot of people don't have this space. And I'm an outside person. I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and running around mountains and shit. So I've been really trying to take advantage of being

outdoors a lot. I do this thing where I follow the shade around my home because I kind of live on a big hill and where the sun like hits the house. Sometimes there's shade on like my little deck and sometimes there's not shade on the little deck so you got to go to the dirt patch on the other side and lay out your little yoga mat so yeah I kind of like follow the shade around my home and it feels like I'm taking a trip I love it a trip from the little porch to the dirt patch it sounds luxurious it's just it's true glamour it's true glamour. It's full glamour. I absolutely love it. I told you before we started that I was late because I was feeding my plants. So I went to Home Depot yesterday. What an excursion. People don't understand how to wear masks. Oof. It was so insane. Wild. Like everyone had a mask like protecting their chin. and i was like corona is not gonna get

you via your chin you gotta put that mask over your nose and your mouth right maybe they think it's like hormonal acne like they think it's gonna hit them on the chin aunt navy i don't know but i was around, dodging people left and right. I scooped up an heirloom tomato plant, a cucumber plant, a lime plant. And then I got lilacs and then lilies because my mother's name was Lily. And I was like, I'm going to grow my mother. Oh, God. name was Lily and I was like I'm gonna grow my mother oh god I love all the food you got all the vegetables like you're basically doomsday prepping yeah I'm trying to become a little fucking farmer so like if shit really hits the fan I got got a couple. I mean, granted, they're in small pots, so they're not going to like grow volumously.

But I was like, you know, if there's a couple days where you can't get to the supermarket, you know, I'll have some some plants to eat. I'm very excited about it. Here's the thing. If if the food goes away and everybody starves, you will starve one day later than everybody else. And I call that a win. Everyone said I have one heirloom left i fed them warm water today because i was like okay so they like the sun so maybe cold water is shocking and i don't want to shock them so i gave them warm water and i said, Mommy loves you. And then I started laughing because I was like,

am I crazy? Have I, is this it? Have I lost my mind? No, everybody says you're supposed to talk to plants. I believe that. Okay. This is good. I'm doing good then. Yeah.

Tawny, I believe you are married, yes? I believe that too. Yeah, it's true. And it is real. Yeah. How long have you been married? It was six years in September. So now we've gone a little more than that.

God, what is it, April? Yeah. Okay. So it'll be seven years this September. Woo. That's exciting. How did you guys meet? We met in a band. I mean, it sounds cooler than it was. I mean, it's not that it wasn't cool. You know that the sweet part of the story that I tell people is that my friend,

Bethany Thomas, who's an incredible musician musician in Chicago who I've been singing with since it feels like our entire lives. It's probably been almost like 15, 16 years. But she was singing backup in like a bar band like Chicago's very like there's just so many bands that will just like play tons of covers and like get a gig at an Irish bar and whatever. But this, this band, they were called the Dirty Rooks. They played a lot of originals and she was singing, and they were kind of doing like a big, like Rolling Stones kind of sound. So they would bring in like horns and backing singers for their bigger shows. And she and I met doing a, a musical and because we were we were theater theater babies and so we were singing in that way and I think we both which musical please oh we were doing the life

are you familiar oh yes um it came out in it was on Broadway in 2008-ish. It might have been a revival because I know that Lilius White was in the original cast and I'm not sure. I'm not, I think it was like earlier because it's very like 70s, like it's very like sex workers and they're pimps, but like everyone's trying to get a better life. So I think I'm thinking of in the life which is a newer musical that was insane but i can't remember it yeah this is different so this is a musical about sex work yeah it's literally like um hookers trying to like literally like leave the life or stay in it but make it better for themselves it's literally just called the life and it's about, yeah, sex workers. It's not great, but it was like a fun way to meet people. And yeah, so she just sent me an email one day. This is all to say the story about Bethany introducing me to my

husband is basically her being like, hey, I sing in this bar band and there's not really any money, but there's always free beer. And the guys are very nice and cute. And I was just like sold. So I started singing with them and it was really fun. I was like, it was my first time in like a proper band and it was so like low stakes, but like they were good. They still play together sometimes too. So everybody was like good and everyone was really nice. And most of the dudes were all like coupled up or married. So it was very like safe. And then my husband, Nate was the drummer

and we started, you know, we became friends and then we started dating and I don't know. It all just felt very like, we like grew together cause we met when we were pretty young. And so we sort of like have changed a lot but we've changed together which has been nice so yeah i love that that's so cute to like be in a musical about sex work and then find a new friend and then find a husband honestly that's a musical right there. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody should write it.

I think I'm too tired, but somebody should. I think I'm too tired. It's so funny. I oftentimes will sit down to write something and be like, oh, but I'm too tired. So I fully feel you on that. Yeah. Tired is a valid emotion. We don't honor enough.

I agree. My therapist is like, all of your emotions are valid. Sadness is valid. Being tired is valid. The way you deal with them is how you manage these emotions. She's great. I really like her. What was I going to ask? Oh, so you were friends before you started dating. At what point? I'm so curious about this. People who are friends before they start dating. At what point did it turn? Was it both of you at once? Or did one person say, I want to go from tee hee hee friendship to going, we fucking.

we fucking um i think i try to remember this because i feel like it turned because he bought me a christmas present and like i've never been like a buy my friends a bunch of gifts type of a person but i think i knew that we were going to exchange gifts because i think he said like hey let's go out to lunch and i can give you your Christmas gift. And I think I went like, oh, I better get a Christmas gift. So I got him like a book about business because in addition to being a drummer, he worked in advertising and had a very like square business job. So I me never having worked in an office and always just like working in bars and being a weird like theater kid. I was like, I know I'll buy him a book about like productivity at work. So I brought him this fucking lame fucking TED talk of a book.

And then he bought me a puffy white Puma vest. puffy white puma vest. Oh, but it was like this is like 2010 and like that wasn't the look anywhere. No, no, not at all. Not at all. Wait, was it like a skiing vest? Unclear. Unclear. Honestly, like it was Chicago. So you're like, yeah, layers are important. But like we were city kids in Chicago. I wasn't like in there was no athleisure going on. It was like you were in like a wool peacoat or you were in like something that looked like city and sharp. At least I was. So to get like a something that I would probably wear now, like hiking somewhere cold. But like back then, I was just like I wasn't as outdoorsy. I lived in this like concrete jungle. It was white. I was like, what am I? Am I mace? What am I? What am I going to do with this fucking vest?

I haven't thought about mace in so long. Isn't it fun sometimes to think about mace? Yeah. I mean, the trajectory of mace, who thought this rapper would drop out of the scene become religious and then have a comeback and then you know what never mind i don't want this but wait and is this is his comeback shit like religious like does he rap about the lord i'm not sure i know he had one song come out for his comeback or maybe two,

but I can't remember if they were religious or not. It is a wild story. I used to think of Mace as the world's most celebrated slow rapper. We celebrated him for just really taking his time. He did really take his time. Mace walked so Blueface could run. That Bust Down Tatiana song is so slow. Bust down, Tatiana. Bust down. It does sound like it's being played back at the wrong speed or something. But I'm kind of in with it.

I mean, it's a good song. I like it. I wonder if we'll come out with another one blue face let me know um so he saw this white puffy vest and was like I love this girl I guess so yeah and then we exchanged it and I think I was kind of like okay cool and then I think because I obviously didn't love it or maybe because then later I would never really like wear it I think his feelings were a little hurt but I think that is that seems to be the inciting incident that led us to have more like deeper conversations about

our friendship and about about it I guess but then I think we weren't that was Christmas and then we weren't really dating until February because I remember my birthday's in February. And I remember being like, I have a boyfriend for my birthday dinner. Like it felt very meaningful for some reason. I mean, that's a statement I would love to say. I'm going to bring my boyfriend to my birthday dinner. I have a boyfriend. Yeah. I also contemplate never telling anyone about my boyfriend when I finally get one. Just like having this secret boyfriend and not telling anybody. I would love that. There's this fun meme that was going around that was just like, I don't tell anyone about my boyfriend. When I walk down the aisle, it's going to be a guessing

game of who's going to walk down the aisle with me. And I was like, I like that. Yes. What? You better sell it, though, and make it some sort of a reality show. I mean, yeah, I should monetize my whole step to getting a relationship and being in a relationship. Maybe after I get a boyfriend and we get married, I'll do like jessica simpson nick lachey newlyweds uh tv show yeah and i'll try to see like a dumb jessica simpson oh well hey you got to try something different than what they did yeah because they didn't last it didn't work out so you had a boyfriend for your birthday, which is honestly the most exciting sentence, I think. Do you remember you're like the first time you officially were like, oh, yes, we are a couple.

Was it a conversation? That's another thing I'm curious about. Like, do people have conversations or it just happened? I guess I don't remember. Is that weird? It was only I mean, that was like 10 years ago because we were dating for three years and then we got married. So it was almost a full decade ago. And I have no memory of that. It just feels like

we were friends and then we talked about it and then we were dating. And then, yeah, And then, yeah, honestly, like we don't have a lot of stories about us and stuff because, I mean, I consider myself very lucky, but things have been very not easy. Marriage isn't like easy, easy, but like things have made sense. Things have progressed positively. We both, you know, he'd been in lot of uh therapy and I like started therapy after kind of like getting with him and I feel like it gave us communication tools that like I don't know we just work shit out we don't really have a lot of fights so I don't know sometimes people ask me about my relationship and I feel very unromantic because I'm just like it's great it's fine it's nice to have a nice, normal person.

You know, I don't have like I feel like I should have more passion or I should talk about sparks and things. And instead, I'm just so grateful to have just a sweet, smart, nice man to like me. I feel like relationships that work either are like it was full of passion and we're still passionate. Or it's like we just really make sense and we work and we're still passionate. Or it's like, we just really make sense and we work and we love being near each other and it's easy. And I feel like the ones that don't last are like, we were so passionate and then we lost the passion. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we definitely changed. Like we, we both grew up in a cool way we both changed how everything about ourselves we kind of changed which was nice because we kind of could watch each other and we could change so that we could go grow closer together but but yeah i just i feel i

feel very lucky he's so thoughtful and he's just like yeah he's he's a good man oh i love that he's not in comedy which is nice for me. Oh, boy. What a real dream. So that I can come home and not think about, ooh, I don't think I have the personality to do it. I don't think I could date somebody else who was also trying to make everybody laugh. I'm like, I'm so annoying. If I had another of me, good Lord.

good lord yeah i think the perfect person for me would be a person who is comedy adjacent like maybe he's taken two improv classes and said you know what making things up on stage is fundamentally not for me uh but like i i have a good sense of humor so So like we could tee hee hee. But then when I need to turn off, he's already turned off. So, you know, like. Yeah. Because like I feel like after shows back when you were allowed to do them and you would speak to people after them, sometimes people would be like, oh, you're different than you are on stage. And I was like, well, yeah, because I'm not performing. I'm just saying hello to you. i'm trying to be a person well that is so why that is one of my hugest pet peeves with people because like do you ever look at like a a d a district attorney or a fucking

prosecutor giving their closing remarks and then when they come out of the courtroom and they go get a sandwich are you like wow you're different than you were in the courtroom it's like yeah it's i'm in a starbucks right now what are you talking about i i feel like they want us to be constantly the same weird little puppet people and i'm just like i don't know i'm 12 different people every day yes makes me crazy although i would love to walk into a subway sandwich shop and see a prosecutor be like, I object to mayonnaise. I think that would be very funny. That actually would be cool. Just like a prosecutor who can't turn it off.

Yes. Uh oh, do we just write a sketch? We should put it in our SNL packet. Oh, I can't wait. Wait, a packet, that's where you get the job, but you're not on the can't wait. Wait, a packet. That's where you get the job, but you're not on the TV, right? No, a packet. Do you not know what a packet is?

No, I'm just joking. Oh, I didn't get the joke. It was a dumb joke. I got to leave comedy here. I don't know what jokes are. No, Nicole. I got to walk into traffic. Not because of me.

I hope an imaginary car hits me because there's no traffic. Okay, we have to take a break. And we're back! Oh boy, I really tickle myself all day long it's really fun um i love it so tony um do you have you had like lots of boyfriends are you a like a serial monogamist or i mean can you call yourself a serial monogamist if there's only been like four?

I don't know. I don't think that's very serial. Four is, I think, a serial monogamist because if you kill four people, you're a serial killer. Okay. This is a good rubric. Okay. But if you kill two people, you're just like, you were just like in a love triangle or something, probably. Yeah. You're just in a love triangle or something, probably. Yeah.

You're just in a murderous love triangle. OK. And then I guess if you murder three people. Yeah. Three. Two people's a love triangle. Three people's a quad. Try.

No, not a quad triangle. Or a hat trick. Oh, no. I think it's a triangle, girl. It would definitely just be. I think that's a triangle. Or a hat trick. Oh, no. I think it's a triangle, girl. It would definitely just be. I think that's a triangle. Four people is definitely a square. I just tried to say a quad triangle.

You know, I got to leave my home. We got to get the world up and running. I got to get to Applebee's. I got to learn more about shapes. I need a haircut. Oh, my God. These people are so insane. I need a haircut. I want to sit down in a restaurant. It really makes no sense. It's like you think a Waffle House running at 25 percent of its business is actually making money. Thank you.

So the government doesn't have to subsidize their income and pay unemployment anymore. And then when your business fails, they could go, well, that was your business. It failed. It's not our fault. It's so wild that anybody thinks that opening up the economy at half speed is good for the economy. It's wild to me, too. Also, like, just learn to do your damn hair.

I mean, if I'm basically doing like non-invasive surgery on my own head every three weeks that I learned from teenagers on YouTube, y'all can figure out how to cut your very straight, very short hair. Thank you. I mean, natural hair is truly a fucking journey that I still have not figured out. How long have you been natural? long have you been natural uh my uh since 2013 i know because i got married still wearing weave like long straight just the straightest weave and it's my one like not regret but i just like i would love if my wedding pictures looked like how i feel like i am instead of like still wearing a weave but i i transitioned right after that yeah do you still have your wedding dress uh yes it's in a little a tiny little mausoleum that they pack it into to preserve it

it is so fucking creepy like you send it to a place to like we'll we'll package it so that it can store so that like moths don't get it or something i don't know my mom was just like very insistent she's like you got to store it properly. I was like, okay, what are they going to do? Like put it in a mattress bag or something. They put it in this, like, it looks like a tiny little box, but like there's a window on the front and the front of the dress is like standing up. So you're just looking at like a ghost, like you're looking at the bodice and chest of like a ghost person. It is terrifying. I hate it.

I gave it to my mom. I was like, put this in your attic. I don't want this around. You should get the dress back and do a photo shoot with your husband, with your natural hair. I can't fit in that thing, girl.

Um, tape it to your body. Just, uh, tape it to the front of your body. And be like, this is who I am now this is who I am I gained weight and I and I chopped off that straight hair it's so funny god like to that like going natural is such a big thing in our community like my sister uh grew her hair out i would say maybe 15 years ago it was like she was a pioneer for me she was like

i just the chemicals burn my head i feel like my hair is thinning i want to see what my hair looks like you know unprocessed so she grew it out and then i was like oh my god your hair is thinning. I want to see what my hair looks like, you know, unprocessed. So she grew it out. And then I was like, oh, my God, your hair is stunning. This is not fair. I'm so devastated. It's I'm jealous. Oh, my God. And then my grandparents were like, well, you got to do something with it because it doesn't look professional. And I was like, and that's when it hit me. I was like, oh, yeah, our hair that grows out of our head is unprofessional. That is so fucking nuts. That's wild. It blew my mind.

Did you ever get pushback like that? A little. You know, I was lucky to transition in Chicago, frankly. I feel like, you know, there's just more black people in Chicago running around in positions of leadership, frankly, than here in LA. So, you know, and it's a segregated city for sure, but it definitely felt easier there. Um, I, I saw way more straight weave and relaxed here when I moved to LA and I was like, oh, okay. It's not the style here as much as it was at home. Um, but I did feel like I took a penalty for like uh commercial auditions and stuff because this was before they wanted everybody to be like light-skinned curly-headed eating yogurt type bitches um now that's all that's on commercials and I'm like get it girl get your

get your money go ahead um but I would audition for a lot of super corporate kind of, you know, like career builder and like other types of auditions, because that was the bread and butter of like on camera industry in Chicago. And when I because what I first did was I took out the weave and I just started keratin straightening my own hair. And then slowly I would like wear it kind of curly some days and kind of not. And I'll never forget. I went into this casting office that I went into all the time that everyone in Chicago hated because the people who run it are so fucking mean to you. And I went in there and one of the casting associates grabbed me by the wrist like he thought he was being fun

because I wore my hair curly because it was like an audition where like I don't know it was like one of those funky ones where they were like the guys should look like they're in a band and I was like okay I guess I'll wear curly hair so he grabs me by the wrist and is like I'm obsessed I'm obsessed with this hair and pulled me into one of the uh like camera rooms and insisted on like just taking pictures with him like next to me like I was a prop and he was like okay now like put your hands in my hair like made us do a photo shoot after I had just been like rejected from a fucking granola bar company or whatever I was like this is an absolute misery oh no that is truly a nightmare yeah. Was he of the white persuasion?

Um, yes. Yes. Yeah, white people really love digging hands and hair and they really like, I guess, I don't want to say they like those people, but I get our hair is just so fundamentally different that I guess it truly is mystifying to them yeah there's a lot of mystery in the world and um i guess when like it's attached to a person

maybe just like maybe they could just like not talk about it as much and not make us feel like zoo animals that would be nice yeah that would be nice wouldn't't that be cool? It'd be so fucking wonderful. I didn't really transition. I had a mohawk and the middle was relaxed and then I had like weave in it. And then I just cut it all off and bleached it once I had new growth. And I wish someone had told me that I looked crazy because I had bleach blonde hair. I wore blue contact lenses and I just let it grow out at times. It looked really wild, but you know, I got there. I bet it was cute. I look back at pictures and I truly say I didn't have one friend

at the time. Oh, we all have those pictures where I'm like, did anyone think to tell me? I used to do an outfit that I just called pastels where I would just put like if it was a pastel color, I would wear them all together. But it meant I was wearing like 10 colors at once. Nobody said one word to me. I don't know. I think I kind of like that. It was a little rough. My shoes were pink and plastic.

I wore a V-neck canary yellow sweater with a baby blue button down underneath like I worked at a bank run by children. Welcome to Scents and Things. We give you scents and things. Honestly, did we write another sketch we better put it in the packet so we're so we're not on camera uh i honestly you really sold me on that outfit like plastic shoes canary yellow, baby blue. I'm here for it. Oof. For some reason, I thought trying to dress like preppy, but just doing a lot of colors was going to be how I got my personality across. And it was, it never worked.

I went through a vest phase where I had a vest in every color and every style. I had formal vests that I would wear with jeans. I had sweater vests that I wear with dresses and skirts. I was trying to convey that like, I'm here for something. Yeah. Like I'm, I'm, I'm meant to be here right now. Me and my vest are meant to be. Okay. I had a little baby goth phase. Did you ever go through like a goth or like an emo phase? Um, a little. So I went through so many hair phases. So this hair phase, I had dyed my hair with Kool-Aid and then my hair broke off because Kool-Aid is under a microscope. Very sharp, granulated edges that like will cut your hair if you like leave it in there. Holy shit. Yeah.

So my hair fell right out and then it like broke off and then I cut it into a Missy, like a Missy Elliott pixie cut via circa. I can't stand the rain phase and get your freak on phase. circa I can't stand the rain phase and get your freak on phase. And then as it grew out, I was like, ooh, I want a Victoria Beckham bob where it's long in the front, short in the back. And that's when I had my little emo phase. I would like spike the back sometimes. Sure, sure, sure. Oh, boy.

You did a John and Kate plus eight. Yes. Yes, I did. Yeah. It was a real kate i kind of had one of those two um before weave so i i was all relaxers from like the age of like nine till probably 17 or 18 and then i cut it all off and did like a pixie cut but like occasionally it would get a little it would get a little john and kate plus eight because I thought I was being edgy by spiking it. It was. Yeah, it was. It was some kind of look. That one wasn't as bad. I feel like I feel like you and I can both rock a short pixie.

Yeah. Just done the right way. Yeah. I am. I like vividly remember my first relaxer. like vividly remember my first relaxer it was i went to this salon with like i think it was in asbury park or long branch uh in new jersey which is like a black area i grew up around a lot of white people so we would have to go to like the black areas of town to do you know black things and i remember sitting in this it wasn't even like a salon chair I believe she had me in a folding chair and she put it in my head and I was like I'm gonna have straight hair soon I can't wait for straight hair it's burning and I'm gonna die and I was like please take it out she was like it's not done and I was like please and my scalp out. And she was like, it's not done. And I was like, please.

And my scalp is so sensitive that it just scabbed over. So like, I truly can't have a relaxer. It's not good for me. I'd argue it's bad for all of us. Just some of us. I mean, truly, like it is so painful and bad for you. And it just kills your hair. It's literally like I will make your hair dead so that it will lay down and then we were like this is beauty um my mom did my first one um my mom is a white woman um and she but she grew up in the black part of portland and she worked in black

salons and she went to cosmetology school and she was like a real stylist so then when she had a black child like you know i'm i'm one of those mixed people that has a white parent who always knew how to do my hair. Like to this day, it was like I was training for this for years. Truly. And like to this day, she'll still I'll go to her house and she'll put in like crochet, crochet hair for me and stuff. Really? Oh, my God. I fucking love that. It's it's amazing. It's so great. and she's always like I'm out of practice I don't know the new techniques and I'm like you can braid tight this is all that matters like you can do more than a lot of people can um but yeah she and then it's funny because I think because I'm mixed a lot of people assume that my

hair is going to be loose which it is not um as my grandma used to say my hair is going to be loose, which it is not. As my grandma used to say, my hair is all the way back home. So. So I think because I was like a kid also going to school around a lot of white people and my mom like worked crazy, crazy hours all the time, I think for both of us, we were like, we should just straighten this because I was like, I don't want to sit here with you combing through it all the time. And she was like, I ain't got time for that. So we started relaxing it. And she would just buy that little box of dark and lovely or whatever. Just for me?

Oh, dark and lovely. Yes. We did a lot of dark and lovelies. What were the other ones? There was just for me, which had a little girl on it who I think she had like a bump curl and a bump at the ends. And I was like oh I just want to look just like her in hindsight what a good look yeah soft sheen yep uh-huh yeah there was a lot of them there was a lot of boxed ones my mom had like very strong opinions about which

ones were not good and which ones were but she wouldn't leave it on that long. Cause I think she was like, this is very bad for your head and your hair and you're a tiny child. So she wouldn't leave it on long, which meant I still had to like press the shit out of it. If I wanted it to be straight, straight. And then at some point my dad started taking me to a black people salon.

And that's when the lie came out. Did you ever get lie relaxers? I don't know the difference between lie and no lie literally like lie is the shit that like malcolm x used to put in his hair and no lie was just they reformulated the relaxer so they didn't have to put that insane chemical in it but you could still go to a salon and be like my hair is too tough for no lie relaxers so give me the hard shit oh my god they would put that trash in your hair and it it's so much worse for you that's like coke's not doing it anymore give me the crap yeah yeah

it is very like oh it was like a drug addiction wanting straight hair all the time see see that new growth and be like my hair won't lay flat i need i need more oh but my hair only only laid flat on the way home from the salon yep i got all the way back hair too and my hair just it just never really cooperated and then i started wearing um wigs and my signature wig is a big curly one because i don't i was like living in new y York at the time and I was walking through Harlem and I saw all these women with like big beautiful froze and like big curly hair and I asked one lady I was like your hair is stunning how did you get it to grow like that she was like baby it's a wig I was like oh okay I'll do that so then I bought my wig and that was that was that and then

then I was doing like long straight wigs and now I only really wear like a kinky relaxed texture if it's straight uh or like curly ones just because I don't know I just I want to stick closer to to my roots yeah well I I love the way you play with wigs I'm always like looking at your Instagram and just being like okay okay I see what she's done there it's made me more curious about them because I used to feel like well I had a stylist for a while back in Chicago who was like she used to put weave and like a little bit of extensions in my hair and stuff and she'd be like why are you covering up all this hair with more hair? That's just different.

And I was like, you're right. So then I started feeling some like natural hair shame about being like, I am blessed with a lot of hair. I should just wear it. But I don't think it matters. I will say this. When you do have a wig or a weave, it is just easier to throw your hair underneath and go. Yes. Or if you have like extensions, it's like, OK, I can like deep condition my hair.

I can oil it. I can, you know, spritz it with water and it won't get frizzy and it'll be healthy and I'll grow. And the wig or the weave, who fucking cares about that? Yeah, that's a good point. That's why I've been loving braids and twists. I feel like five or six years ago, I started doing like a solid half the year in some kind of a braid or a twist. And honestly, I would do it all the time, but it doesn't book.

Like the auditions, they don't like it. They say they like it. They go, wow, isn't this fun? But then you don't book the role. Yes, I did have one audition where i went this was last year i had braids literally passed my butt for about a month because i kept closing it in car doors and then when it started growing out it was too heavy um the story we all want to hear once Once my hair was so long, I closed it in a car door. Didn't realize it until I was on the 101. And I was like, what is this bug in my wind?

And I was like, oh, no, that's my hair. That's my braid. It was very fun. But I like went to the audition, did the audition, was like, I think I was good. But like, don't don't think they liked me which happens all the time and then i got a call that they were like oh they want you to go back for a test and i was like oh i get to test and then i went back and i had taken it out for another job and when i got to the audition they were like no braids and i was like what what was i called back to test because you

liked the braids that is rare never happened um but i was like i have a braid at wig that i can wear if you guys like the braids and they're like no no no but where did they go and then i had to explain to them i took them out that like my hair didn't grow in braids oh god but braids are definitely like my summer style. And I think I figured out like my summer style for forever now. Yeah. So right now the sides of my head are shaved and then the middle is braided. So when it's down, it looks like, oh, she just has like thin braids, I guess.

Yeah. But then when it's up, it's like, oh, baby, feel the braids. A little rock and roll. Yes. Yes. I feel edgy. I think you seem punk and rock and roll and very metal thank you that's all i've ever wanted to be metal yes so metal baby wait where in chicago did you live oh i lived all over i went to depaul so i started living in lincoln Park. And that's where

I learned to drink too much. And then I moved to like all over the north side, like Ravenswood. And then when I like was out of college and stuff, like the west side was kind of my jam, the near west side. Sorry to real Chicagoans who are going to be like, that's not the west side. But I was in like a Ukrainian village. and then i moved down to fulton market and i stayed in fulton market until it turned into the terrifying expanse that is now the west loop oh yes yes yes um my family lives in chicago that's why i asked i think i've said it on the podcast my sister lives on like my whole family lives on the South side. So I only know the South side. And when I,

I had never been anywhere but the South side and downtown in the, I would say at the time, 27 years that I'd like been going there to see my family. And then when I started doing comedy, I was doing standup and my friend Mateo was like, come do a show at the laugh factory, which I think is the north side and i got there and i was like there's so many white people what is this yeah no maybe he was in wrigley i don't remember but i was so confused i was like they all live here too and i like said it to my grandparents and they're like oh no we

got a dumb one but it's true the city's so segregated you can go a while wild i i knew um when i was in college and i got on the red line going the wrong direction you know within three stops because the color of people changes and you're like oh oh i'm going north i should be going south it's very strange um yeah it's so weird i the more i got to know the south side i was like oh i fucked up i should have been living down here all the time um my really close close friend lil is a born and raised south sider she still lives like on the south loop but she um so she would like take like her parents still lived down there and like she would like introduce me to restaurants and shit

that i didn't know existed but the more my life got entrenched on like the kind of west and north side it it seemed like insane to move because i was like i'll never see my friends in ravenswood if i go down to hyde park which is so wild because now here we all live like 40 miles from each other and i guess still never see each other. Yeah. I mean, when Sashir moved here, she was like, I can't remember what neighborhood she was thinking about, but I was like, don't you dare move there. I will never see you. Right.

Never, ever, ever, ever. Don't move to the to the west side. You can't do that. Yeah. And thank God she didn't. I know. Thank God for all of us that she didn't yes because it would have been a thing i'd bitch and moan about do you have do you have any single friends that have been talking about like zoom dating i do um yeah i've got one friend that has been on several Zoom dates and I think they are about to meet the other person in person, which seems wild to me because I'm like, then do you have to quarantine with them?

How does this fucking work? So I need it. I actually need to get an update on that person soon because I have been hounding them. update on that person soon because I have been hounding them. I've heard people will like the first step is like messaging and then they FaceTime and then they do like a social distancing date where either two people sit in a car and I guess scream at each other or you go on like a social distancing walk. So, OK, wait, let me picture the car thing. What I'm picturing is like in a movie where two cops need to meet in a parking lot. And so they pull their cars up to the driver's side windows. So the pick and talk, is that what we're talking about?

I think so. I mean, I was thinking side by side, but then I was like, so then you have to scream over the passenger seat. uh so yeah i guess you would like pull up so your two drivers side windows are together but then are you too close because then you're not so then what are you trying to measure six feet between your this is wild i guess i guess if i measuring tape. But the idea truly makes me not nervous, but upset. It's a little nerve wracking. Have you have you done any dating during this time? No, I can't because I just I I guess as a comic, like feeling people's energy in person is such a thing that I'm into. Like I know within five minutes if this is going to be a good show, a mediocre show or a horrifically bad show where I'm in a bomb.

Yeah. And I mentally prepare for either of those three things to happen. bomb. Yeah. And I mentally prepare for either of those three things to happen. So when you talk to somebody over the phone or via FaceTime, it's hard to gauge how how it's going to go. Yeah. So when I meet someone in person, I usually like arrive at the destination 10 to 15 minutes late because I'm late to everything. And then like hug them and then you kind of get a vibe from the hug yeah and that kind of for me is an indication that like this is gonna go so badly or like this might go well or like oh my god this person's incredible and usually from that first hug I'm correct oh so I just I don't know how to to gauge people's energies and also I feed off of people's energies yes and I like doing the podcast this way has been a little hard but luckily I'm

interviewing comedians and funny people and people who know how to talk so it's not hard hard yeah but like yeah I just I need that I need that in-person energy I totally agree I think it's it is tough to podcast like this because you're like oh I might be like interrupting you or talking over you know when you're in person you can feel out you just feel a better rhythm and then especially when you're talking to someone you don't know there's all that weird mental shit of like oh do I seem rude because I kept talking but really it was just my internet delay or something you know yeah that would stress me out it just adds this whole other layer that I'm still not through the other layer of like in-person dating so now

we're gonna add this other impossible obstacle to it it just it makes my head hurt and I was talking to my therapist about it yesterday and she was like you know how you feel and it's okay that you feel that way and it's okay that you don't want to do it she was like it's fine to take a break you don't have to do it unless you feel ready to take that on but just know you might be setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt. Because I've had a couple of friends be stood up by people from the Internet. And my little baby heart couldn't take that. I could not take that. Being stood up when everybody's just trapped in their homes.

Yes. Yes. That is earth shattering. Right? Like, I don't know if I think it would set me into a spiral like a deep dark depression to be like okay i got dressed up i have my measuring tape i'm ready to talk to this idiot in person and then they don't show up because they'd rather sit at home and watch like another episode of whatever netflix show they're watching i I would die. I would die.

Oh, I'm sorry to anyone listening if that's happened to you. Everyone is trash. Yes, everyone is trash. And you just have to wait to find your not trash, your undirty trash. I don't know. Yeah, find your clean trash. Find yourself some clean, some recycling.

Also, like a weird thing i've been like i my parents are both dead and during this pandemic i've missed them so much more because it's one of those things where like i feel sad and kind of scared and hopeless but also hopeful i want my mommy so i've just been like looking at old pictures of them specifically like their wedding pictures because they look so happy and I'm like you know what that gives me hope uh oh that's nice yeah I know what you mean about wanting to reach out to someone who can like comfort you a little bit has it drawn you closer to any other family members like your sister or anything yes so me and my sister have been talking so much more and texting more she's not a huge texter but she's adapted to me being more of a

texter and i've adapted to like trying to call her a little bit more um so that's been like really really good because we're you know in the same predicament right now, single ladies with no parents. But yeah. And I kept saying 2020 was my year. Truly from like May of last year, I was like, fuck 2019. Because it wasn't a great year for me personally. Professionally, great. But personally, no.

And I kept saying it. And then like this year started out great. Then it was like, oh, you're locked down. You're inside. And then people keep tweeting at me. They're like, you kept saying 2020 is your year. Blah. And I was like, oh, shut up.

I'm like, now you want to rub it in your rub it in my face that I was trying to be positive for the next year of my life. But I still maintain the the. Oh, wait, sorry. Go ahead. Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just going to say I maintain that 2020 is my year because bad things do grow good things sometimes. And I think that's what it is. And I was talking to Shira and I was like, I think this year might be my year still. And I think it's going to be my year shir and i was like i think this year might be my year still and i think it's gonna be my year in october she was like why october and i was like 2020 divide 20 and a half that's 10 that's october she was like how did you get to this equation numerology and i was like i don't know but i said it so it's true. What were you going to say? I like, okay, first of all, I was just going to say like,

fuck anyone who's urged during a global pandemic is to be like, what about what you said before? How, what now? It's like, really you miserable troll. That's all you have to do right now is to be like, you were trying to be positive, but look, the world is bad. Like fucking get out of here.

Secondly, I was going to say what you eventually got to, which is what if. And this is a very this can be a very annoying sentiment. So I'm sorry. But what if in a way this is like all this time at home, all this time with yourself, all this time doing things you love by yourself without like the pressures of work obligations or whatever bearing down on you, you're able to like really work on yourself and get to know yourself in a way that makes the rest of this year or that makes the next year even that much more enjoyable. Like what, what if it is your year? Because it's about you, like it's for you. Tony, thank you. I hope that's something, because it's how I feel.

I feel like this is a terrible tragedy and the only silver lining that I have is that I have, I'm fortunate enough to have space and time and not be stressed about work or about finances. And that's not, not everybody's in that circumstance.

So all I can do is try to be empathetic to people who aren't here but be grateful for where I am and it's that balance has kept me feeling sane because to not be grateful would feel insane and to not have empathy or sympathy would feel insane so I've been just trying to hold them both and I think it's just allowed me to like I don't know can chill my brain out a little bit because I was stressed. I don't know about you. Oh yeah.

I was very stressed. Just like I had like a lot of things. Like last year was truly a good year professionally, but like very stressful because I had deadlines and I'm not great with a deadline. And then this happened. I was like, oh, I can. I mean, again, to echo what you said, I am so fortunate and I'm so privileged to be in a place where I don't worry about money or I'm like I have savings. So I'm OK for now. And I'm very lucky that I don't have to work right now and I'm all

right so like it has been a time where I'm like oh I can like slow down and you know take in the world but then also it has made me more empathetic like every time I go to the store I try so hard to like say something nice to someone at the grocery store because people are so fucking rude. People don't maintain their distance. And these people are getting sick because not because they're serving you. People are getting sick because they need to provide for their families and people don't seem to understand that. Right.

I just, I really hope we leave this with a little bit more empathy and understanding people's situations beyond your own because i feel like a lot of these people protesting for shit to open and like go to the beach and fly or whatever they don't have empathy towards other people because they haven't been personally impacted and i'm i've been spending a lot of time trying to like put not like think like just yeah, kind of like think about how other people are living their lives and how I can like, you know, try to help other people, you know, maybe have a better day or understand that like this

is serious and it's bad. Yeah, no, I think everything that you said., like, it is nice to have any dose of reality enter this bizarre, insane Hollywood life that we all live. Like we all live some shade of an insane life. I don't care, you know, how much money you have being in this business and living in this part of the world is wild. And so it is a, it is a bubble. It is a weird bubble, but also like it's easily pierceable because we all have family members who live other ways and other places and who are essential workers. So it's very easy to get outside of your bubble.

It takes the smallest amount of effort to do that. And some people just don't, some people just ain't been making the effort as we've seen by uh by social media yeah i mean i try to not look at social media at night so i can go to sleep peacefully because everybody be wiling although i saw this one tweet i think it was yesterday it was like frostbite toes are a sign of corona and i was like so corona can make you frostbitten without being cold yo this is nuts this is fucked up it's so fucked up okay i did not read it but i did also see that

i saw that headline i refused to read the article because i was like i'm not trying to have another panic attack that i then think is corona um but yeah that the symptoms things is too wild the when this first started i mean i was trying to get back here from canada and it was a little terrifying shit but what my husband did was he was like because he knows that i'm like a i'm a information junkie and i'm like a knowledge hound and i'm constantly trying to be like if you know everything about something then you're safe which is a very stressful uh way to live but he was like you have to not look at your phone at all like if someone texts you i will tell you but he was like you have to do it for a full weekend like 72 hours do not look at your phone and it was so hard because we all have an addiction to these things but it really did help

it brought down my anxiety i could go to sleep by that third night um so i need to do that again because uh i only did that for one weekend and now now the blood pressure's back up good advice for everybody put your dang phone down all right tony we've come to the end honestly this was a real joy to talk to you and i could probably talk to you for another hundred hours but alas oh it was a joy to talk to you too this thank you it was great thank you uh when this is all over we should go to dinner and i don't mean that in a la way i feel like we actually should no i would love that too you know what we actually have a a mutual friend that i think you've been trying to pursue a friendship with um in punam patel she's one of my dear close friends and so maybe the three of us could do a thing and then there's not pressure on you and i

to become something that we're not yes that really i i like you for understanding that you know you know making friends as a grown- up is hard and weird, but but I truly enjoy your company. And like I said, I love the show. I listen all the time. So. Oh, thank you. And we did have a good time.

We hung out at the Emmys after party. Oh, my God. What a Hollywood sentence. Oh, yeah, that is a Hollywood sentence. But that was real. And I I think I asked you so many hair questions then too so we stayed on brand for this um this episode yes we have uh Tony I ask all of my guests this but would you date me you know I've thought about this girl and you know I would and here's why

in addition to all the normal reasons of you being funny and talented and cool um i what i see what i see in you from listening to all of your content and watching you unnailed it uh and feeling like we're closer than we are is something that i cherish so much in myself which is we love being with people but we also really value our space and we love to travel and work. And I feel like I get really stressed out by friends that don't understand that and think it's a reflection on them when I'm not super present at any given time. And so I feel like you and I would totally get like, this is a way separate time. This is come together time.

I feel like we'd be a great balance. I like that. I honestly agree. Yay. All right. Well, that's it. Oh, do you have something you want to promote other than Space Force? When does Space Force come out?

Oh, yes. Thank you. Space Force comes out May 29th. If you don't know, Netflix will be shoving it in your face, baby. That's the nice thing about the flicks. They're going to tell you about a new show. So please check that out. There's lots of fun, funny people in it.

I get to wear braids after our hair conversation. Maybe I know I was really it was actually very cool of um greg daniels and everyone to be i was like hey so i just want to wear braids because of this and this and this and he like he really like absorbed the reasons and like the politics behind it and he was like i think it's great so props to that props to that sweet white man for letting me wear some braids and ally also podcasts people can listen to all over the place you You can find me. You know, the best thing to do is just find my Instagram, find my Twitter. It is at Trondi Newman for a dumb reason. And now everyone thinks that that's my name.

But you know what? We're going to leave it. We're going to leave it. So, yeah, find me there and you'll you'll you'll hear all the updates. I love it. OK, well, if you like this episode of Oh, I Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe on iTunes. You can leave a five-star

review or a one-star. It doesn't matter. And then also you can leave a nasty come-on for me there or in my DMs on Instagram. I do go through them to find the nasty come-ons. Or you can email me at baconcansave at gmail.com. Please don't sign me up for any more lists.

I spend a lot of time unsubscribing. This person said, howdy, Nicole. I would start by dressing up as Donald Trump. Oh, I don't love that. And let you hate fuck this shit out of me while I do my best Trump

impersonation talking about how huge your ass is and how you've the greatest pussy. Then I'll saddle up with my largest strap on and let ride me like a dirty little cow, let you ride me like a dirty little cowgirl. Smack you around until you scream loud enough to knock down the walls in your house. After that, I'll

shove my tongue so deep in your ass I'll make you squirt and scream, Yeehaw, partner! This will all happen on August 29th so we can both enjoy birthday sex because that's my birthday too. Thank you, ma'am. Have a wonderful day.

Too many mixed metaphors. I was like, pick a theme, bro. Yeah, I would have just rathered the rodeo cowgirl. I don't need to hate funk Donald Trump. That man told people to inject bleach into their veins. He is sick. Okay. Bye

bye. This has been a Team Coco production.