Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Drugs & Dogs (w/ Eric Edelstein)

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

'She saved me in her phone as 'Eric Weirdo".Eric Edelstein (Jurassic World, American Dad) shares the story behind meeting Jess, his lovely dog grooming wife. Him and Nicole also discusses how to smuggle a dog into the country and their drugs of choice, including the time Nicole accidentally did meth.Plus, a round of audience questions about: how to get out of bad dates, finding motivation to workout, is it okay to date your ex-bf's ex-bf, and more! This was recorded live in San Francisco.Need more Nicole Byer? Check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus will be watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! Oh, wow! Oh, yes!

Thank you so much for coming out to the live episode of Wow, Wow, She-J! It is a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could give me a slice of pizza, peel off the cheese, wrap it around your dick, put it back on the bread, and I'll still eat it. Oh boy, I'm truly running out of these little things to say. Okay, so my guest today, I'm going to introduce him. Okay, he's got a lot of credits and it's really exciting. Okay, so he's been in Jurassic World. He's been in Hotel for Dogs, which is my favorite credit.

Caribbean enthusiasm. He's been on Drunk History, Modern Family, New Girl, Arrested Development, Key & Peele. Just so many fucking things. It's a real goddamn treat. I'm excited. Eric Elson! Did I say your last name right?

Hell yeah, you did. I got confused midway through because I had just asked you and then didn't know where the stage was and i i didn't know but i said it okay you nailed it and you did it with grace okay oh yeah eric help me with my ear okay so my ear on the plane uh what is it it didn't pop or it's clogged i can't hear out of one ear and i couldn't hear out of this ear but then you had me blow real hard and it hurt and it scared me so should i do it again i think it's up to the crowd should we clear other ear

we want nicole byer to hear so do i just blow again with my nose yeah i think you i'll demonstrate so just do like this. And if any doctor has an opinion on this, I do this. Is there a doctor here? In case Nicole Byers is a national treasure. No? You win.

I love it. Someone was just like, I'll speak for everybody. No. Ain't no doctor coming here on a Sunday. No. Doctors are too smart to listen to you. Okay. We're doing this. No! No, it reversed what happened with this one.

No, did it? You gotta do it again. You gotta fight through it. I have to fight through it? I think so. This is like the Price is Right where they're like, no, yes, no. What are you saying to me? Don't blow so hard. I've never heard that before. Don't blow so hard.

Okay. Nothing's happening when you don't blow hard, which is something I've heard before. I don't know. I think I'm stuck this way. You think? I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't do it anymore

because I have to get back on the plane at 8 p.m. Yeah. I'll be super... I know, and she just flew in from Spokane. Yeah, fuck that place. Yeah. I love that everyone's like on my side already.

They don't even know what happened. No, they love you. I saw them lining up like this can be a crowd. This can be a crowd, y'all. Yeah, I like the listeners of this podcast.

They're nice. One man has a good laugh over here. That's you. Own it this podcast. They're nice. One man has a good laugh over here. That's you. Own it, friend. It is you. I like your laugh. Where are you from? Here?

That makes sense. Not Spokane. Oh, God. A man during my show last night, a setup to a joke I have is like, why do men still send dick pics? It's not fun. It's like sending someone Ikea instructions like any men here send dick pics

and this man I thought like stood up a little and was like I got a nine incher turns out he was fully standing he was the smallest man in America with like the biggest baldest head it was the he looked in America with the biggest, baldest head. He looked like a dick.

He looked like the nine-incher he was talking about. So at that point, everyone had been yelling Wes and Jacques and nailed it at me. And then some people were like, why won't you date me? And I was like, that's not it. Here, this is stand-up. But I just had it. So I was like, get on stage. Just get on stage.

Show us your nine-inch dick. And then he was like, no! Because for whatever reason, I don't know, maybe you can confirm this, but men like to be like, I can do a thing!

And then you're like, do the thing, and they're like... It's an innately male characteristic. But why? I mean, I think it goes back to evolution. You think? There's a lot of checks they can't cash.

Yeah. I don't know why. I don't know why. They're like, I can fuck up that T-Rex. And she's like, do it. And he's like, uh. How about I go get berries? Right?

Cave and eat berries? right cape and eat berries um so so it went back and forth for a very long time where i was like show me your dick and he's like no so i was like get on stage and then he gets on stage and i was like ah like i saw the whites of his eyes and they were scary. Like he was so frightening. I think he was sick. I don't know. And then he like got near me and was like, you gotta rub it. And I was like, no, thank you. I don't want to rub it. He's like, you have to activate it.

And like he was talking about a jerry curl. It was very confusing. A lot of people don't know what a jerry curl is you use your googles uh so then he was just like you have to touch it and i was like sir i'm not getting paid enough to touch your dick no matter how big it is and then at one point i thought he was like charging at me so i tried to make myself bigger to like be scary like he was a bear or something i was like doing woods rules i was like and then at that point i was like i've done my time i've done 50 minutes i'm contractually obligated to do 50 minutes uh and then i don't think i ended on a joke i just went okay bye

and everyone was confused they were like this is the They were like, this is the end? I was like, this is the end you people deserve. Oh, Spokane. But the club is really great. The staff was really great. And I did have three good shows. It was just that fourth one that was so wild. And you're from that wild ass place. Nicole was telling the Spokane Horror Story.

I'm like, yeah, I'm actually from Spokane. But no, I think the first three shows were good. And Sunday's kind of the meth-y one. You know? It's big up there. Well, my friend, I was texting him. And I said, I said something. I was like, Spokane's meh.

I stayed inside. It was really snowy. Snow's not for me. And then he said, you mean meth. And I was like, no, no, meh. You know, like, meh. And he's like, no, mean meth and i was like no no meh you know like meh he's like no meth and i was like what's happening he's like oh it's a meth town i was like oh what a wild thing to like live in a meth town it's we had college class canceled because meth

houses would blow up for real really and i was like, if we walk out, will we get high? Oh, that's good. Is that what happens? Yeah. I don't know. I didn't do it. I was a pregnant child. Have you ever done meth? No, but I've done Adderall, which is meth.

It is. And they gave it to me when I was 14. Oh. Rumors of having ADD. Yeah. Do you actually have ADD? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And I asked my wife. But they give it to me at age 14, and it's speed. And you look at my parents, and you're like, you guys were giving me speed at 14. Yeah. And now... Do you take it now? I don't, no.

Oh, see, I take it now, and it's very helpful. I don't take Adderall, though. I take Vyvanse. You can't abuse it. Oh, that's where... The abusing is where I get in trouble. Yes, I told my doctor, I was like, I like cocaine. So she said, let's get you something time-releasing.

That's good, because the times I've been around Adderall, it's a little too easy. It's fun. Adderall's fun. Meth is also fun. Okay. Quick story. So I have done meth.

Not on purpose. It was by accident. I was in a gay club, because that's where I spent my 20s. And we were dancing. It was this old club in New York called Hero that was like four stories and I had fallen earlier in the night so everyone was like, I truly like that scene in Clueless

where she's like, everyone's gonna know me as the girl who fell. I was known as the girl who fell that night and everyone's like, are you okay? And I was like, yes. And this guy was like,

you fell so hard. Do you want some Tina? And I was like, I'll do Brenda. I'll do Jenny. I'll do Monifa. Give me whatever. Because I love drugs.

And I'll try one once. So then we snorted it, and I thought it was Coke. And then I was awake for three days. I cleaned every inch of my house. And I was like, I'm getting everything done. I love it. I love it. I love it. I need more Tina. And then I said to a friend house and I was like I'm getting everything done I love it I love it I love

it I love it I need more Tina and then I said to a friend later I was like I did like this coke that someone called Tina and he was like honey that was meth so now I always ask I'm like what if I don't know the name I'm like is is that meth I don't want meth no next time you're in Spokane just lean into the meth you'll find common ground and pitch a tent Maybe Next time I'm in Spokane I just go on a little Meth rager And then everyone's like we like her

Oh yeah yeah Saturday night crowd will love it Maybe that's how I do it So okay Eric you've been in a relationship for a very long time Yeah like 8 years Oh I thought it was longer than 8 years and I don't know why uh i love it i love it that i have that kind of stability coming off of me yeah please you guys just fit together so your wife uh can i say her name do you mind yes please she wants you to she's your biggest fan jess rona i love her she's

a dog groomer and actress and a comedian and she like like dyes my dog's tails. So if you ever see on my Instagram, my dog's tails dyed. It's Jess who's done it. How did you guys meet? Well, we met. I went to her improv show. Ew. I know, right? I know.

I got dragged to it. My buddy Mark was performing. And then there was this all-female improv group. And Jess, I just had it bad. I saw her on stage. I'm like, oh my my gosh who's that girl and I told myself you have to try to talk to her and I'm not great with this stuff so my head was sweating I was having trouble talking but I'm like you have to just just for the dance of it

you have to get her number even if she shoots you down so I got her number and she saved me in her phone, no joke, as Eric Weirdo. We've been married almost four years now. But she saved me in her phone as Eric Weirdo and kind of showed it to me. I'm like, uh-huh, okay. And then we were friends for like a year. And she just kind of continually shot me down. And I remember one low moment was she had like a party at her place. And there were two couches.

And there was a big one and a small one. And her tiny friend, I'm like, no, no, take the big one. Take the big one. So I curled up on this small couch and acted like I was completely uncomfortable. And then Jess Rona came out. She's like, oh, God, you're giant. And the couch is small. All right, you can sleep in my bed, but don't try anything.

I was like, I won't, I won't, I won't. But yeah, and then it just kind of eventually happened. Did you try something? No, I don't think I tried anything. Okay, that's nice. Yeah, then she just eventually started running the show, which I'm very comfortable with. I need a person like that. Someone who's like, you're insane.

You just do whatever and I'll come for the ride. That's it. You deserve that. I don't know how I'm going to ever find it, though. Has Jess ever? Does Jess drink a lot? Have you ever seen her like a monster? You know, she's definitely the moderate one.

Thank God. She just gets, we call her mouthy. And so she just gets extra assertive and I find it charming. And I think that's kind of the magic thing in a relationship. If you find the other things like, thank God, I think the smell of my laundry smells like sausage. And she's like, whatever. You just have to find things. Wait, your laundry smells like sausage?

Probably. It's not great. I sweat in bed. It's always like those little things that like after three weeks where I show like, hey, I sweat profusely in bed, but I'm a nice guy. How you doing, Jess? But yeah, but I remember the thing she said that sealed it. And it's just it's the little things in a relationship.

But we went to Home Depot and we got done with the cart and I walked it all the way back to put it in the cart thing. Didn't even think about it. She's like, that was the first moment. It's like, oh, this guy might be special. Oh, the bar was clearly low with putting a whole depot cart back. But God bless. It's L.A.

So it means you're I. I would think I was like, oh, he's thoughtful to bring it all the way back because I bring carts all the way back. And I'm like, I'm thoughtful as the way back and I'm like I'm thoughtful as I do it I'm like I'm really crushing it you uh the best example of like what I want is my friend Mary Sasson is married to our other friend Matt and we were in North Carolina Mary was drunk she rolled out into the street and was truly throwing a fit. And Matt looked at her and was like, I'm going to marry that woman. And I was like,

that's what I want. Yeah. I want to roll around in the street and have a man go, I love that. Yeah. And he really will.

Yeah. Look at her. She's rolling like no one else. She's rolling all the way down the street. She'll roll all the way to Atwater. Come on,

let's see Meryl Streep roll like that. It ain't happening. I would love to see Meryl Streep roll in the street. She'll roll all the way to Atwater. Come on, let's see Meryl Streep roll like that. It ain't happening. I would love to see Meryl Streep roll in the street. You know, she can roll in the street better than anyone. Probably. Oh my god. I wish I had all the money in the world

so I could make Meryl Streep play me in my life story in blackface. Worst ideas we'll sell in Hollywood this week. I promise you. I mean,

it would be good. It'd be great. I see it. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it doesn't have to be in blackface.

No, I don't think you half-assed it. I mean, it's gotta be. Yeah, full. Full blackface. It's time. Hell yeah.

Meryl, step up. We'll get her a weave, not even a wig. No. Oh, it's got full full black face. Hell yeah, I'll get her a weave, not even a wig. No, I'll be great. Um so wait how you've been married for four years, four years, and then you date it for four years before that. Just about that. Yeah, and I remember the big thing was

six months in I'd left and I was I was doing a name drop a Jean-Claude Van Damme comedy in Puerto Rico. Wait, say what? Yeah, for real. For real. Yeah, someone said what?

We need clarification. So Jean-Claude Van Damme had a comedy festival in Puerto Rico? He just had a straight-up movie, and he's the funniest thing in it. It's called Welcome to the Jungle. It was a noble attempt. I played Kristen Schaal's boyfriend, and I was her first on-screen kiss.

But then when we were just about done filming, I found this little dog on the beach. And Jess had said to me maybe a month earlier, she's like, you know, if you surprise me with a puppy, I'd be okay with it. And I remember thinking like, this dog is a huge responsibility, but I think I want to be with this woman. So I remember thinking like, God, this is a giant thing because I know i'm not equipped to handle this animal on my own so i brought this dog back how do you bring a dog back from puerto rico because i bought a purse in italy and it was a whole thing yeah i can't imagine a whole living animal they must have stopped you everywhere because it's a u.s territory they're okay with. Because it's a US territory, they're okay with it. So you didn't have to pay duty?

I mean, I pay duty every day. They bribed a vet to say the dog was old enough and healthy enough to come back. And it was all bullshit because the poor dog had Parvo. We have her now. She's eight years old. She beat Parvo.

Wait, what's Parvo? It's a really serious stomach disease that Chupi had. We call her. We ever now she's eight years old, and she beat parvo. Wait, what's parvo? It's a really serious stomach disease. The chupi had because she's part chupacabra, and now she's the sweetest dog ever. But I remember it was this thing of like parenting this dog together, and we had, and of course, Jess knows better than anyone what to do.

So we would take the dog out every 15 minutes, and it really like bound us together as a couple. Every 15 minutes? Every 15 minutes with a puppy, especially a wild puppy. At one point, I'm like, I think Taurus, because the dog was on a beach. I'm like, I think Taurus fed this dog beer. It's crazy. And Jess is like, no, it's just every 15 minutes. So we're at Jess's apartment by UCB.

And we would just take the dog out every 15 minutes. And he'd give it a treat. And that rewards the dog. And now we have this wild dog that is the best behaved dog ever. We have this little foster where foster failures are this poodle Bichon mix. Cause I said, I'd never be a big guy with a little dog. Here we sit.

And he's the hellion. He can't talk to any of the dogs on walks. If I'm not up at seven 30, he pisses inside for real. It's where it's like the cobblers, the cobblers kids have no clothes. Wait, who the cobblers kids have no clothes. Wait, who? The cobbler's kids have no clothes.

I've never heard that before in my life. I got antiquated old guy stuff. The cobbler's kids have no clubs. Have no shoes. Oh, no shoes. Did you say clubs? Sorry. Oh, okay.

No, you're right and I'm wrong. Because I was like really trying to get into it. I was like, okay, so they have a ton of shoes. So no one was making them clothes. close no it's a horrible disconnect the cobbler should have married a seamstress and then the kids would have been fine at least better off yeah yeah but he'll get matted and he'll get his face will smell and then like we don't want to let people know that the dog room or the stars if if the dog isn't out at 7 a.m it's shitting inside oh boy god i love him i never thought i'd be a big guy loves a little dog but again here i sit i love it i love a little dog i also didn't want a little dog because i was like a fat woman with a little dog i don't want people to be like she gonna eat

it after she walks it i think fucked up things like that i I don't know if the general public does. But my dog is so teeny tiny. He's like, we trained him pretty good. Although once in a while, he will shit in the kitchen. And then you'll come home. And then he'll look at you with the saddest eyes. And then he'll go hide. And then you're like, well, you did it.

Just like, be chill. Like like why are you hiding you're the one who shat i'm cleaning it why are you hiding and that's a conversation i have out loud with him and he's like bitch i can't talk does your roommate john milhiser clean up after the dog john milhiser my roommate John Milhiser, clean up after the dogs? John Milhiser, my roommate, John Milhiser, will clean up after the dogs. Also, he's the one, I've been away since Thursday, so he takes care of them when I'm away. So technically, Clyde is my dog, but loves John more, which is devastating. And I keep threatening to get another dog, one that will love me the most. You know Diane Keaton in Birdcage when she's like

not Diane Keaton, Diane Weest when she's like someone has to love me best. That's how I feel with my dogs. But they're never going to love me because I don't walk them. I haven't walked them in years. Walking is the number one thing that'll just love you. I know but like I don't

want to. Yeah. I'm, but I don't want to. Yeah. I'm like really busy. No. TV's Nicole Byer. I get it. TV's Nicole Byer. Come on. According to my family, little internet shows, Nicole Byer.

I'm with you. Over Christmas, one of my cousins was like, so how's your little internet show going? And I was like, it's trucking. I don't know. There's no point in explaining anything to people. Especially back home. And I feel like it's a funny thing because it is kind of a root cause one

and make it like to prove to everybody back home. Like, you know. Root cause? Root cause. Oh, root cause. Root cause, Drag Race. I thought you were talking in root cause-isms. I wish.

I'm right there. Give me one drink. Itot cause, Drag Race. I thought you were talking in RuPaul-isms. I wish. I'm right there. Give me one drink. It's on. Come on. But like, you know, you want to do this to kind of impress people back home in a way, and then they don't give a shit. No, they don't care at all. But like, friends in Washington are like, well, yeah, you're in stuff, but you die in

everything. I'm like, that's still pretty good. Somebody's got to die. Yeah, but it'd be cool if you made it through the movie you're usually the first to die even well okay sorry friend that is such a shitty thing to say to somebody oh yeah well people are special

people I'm learning are no offense cause you're all nice people here but a lot of people are bad and I'm... Thank you. Thank you for clapping for that hot take. But yeah, I'm constantly learning that

we don't teach people how to interact with each other. And I don't know if that's a school thing or a parent thing, but wouldn't it be nice to go to a class where this is how you talk to people? You can say, hi, how are you? And then you then you the other person don't have to actually tell them you could go i'm doing okay and you can decipher who's a friend and who's not and who you can actually tell your shit to because sometimes i'll say to someone hey how are you and they're like well and i'm like oh no

no not well no no no just nod well. No, no, no. Just nod your head. I'm great. I'm great. I'm good. Well, let's start a movement that carries right now that universally people know from this podcast. We're not really asking.

Yeah, I'm not. If I don't know you, you're not in my phone. We don't text. I don't I'm not. I don't actually care. So I've stopped asking when people are like, how are you? I go, I'm good. And I assume you're well too

that'll work people must think I'm literally insane well I think it's that you have a giant heart and people feel like they can unburden to you and I have that a little bit too where I used to I would always show up for a gig right on time but the secretary I would feel horrible because I'd be like she'd be like how you doing my good. How are you and she like dad took a turn for the worse again, and of course he doesn't want to go to hospice and I'm like I planned my breakfast

exactly perfectly so I could walk in at 10 a.m. and now she's telling me about her dad in hospice and I'm too much of a people pleaser to be like I got to work some. Oh man, I'm really sorry. Have you tried like a holistic approach or I'm the same way and then the next day I'll be like, I got to work. So I'm like, oh man, I'm really sorry. Have you tried like a holistic approach or? I'm the same way. And then the next day I'll be like, how's dad?

Yeah. And I realize I'm doing it. I'm opening this back up and I don't care. But now I do care because I'm in too deep. I care. Dad's got lupus. You want to go? I'm in.

2020 ain't about that. It's over. 2020 is my year! It is. We gotta remember this year is still clocked up. Yeah. And also those shows were pretty... I had one weird show but made some money

so it's good. It's all good. And then I'm here. I like you people. Oh, yeah. So, I did have a weird thing happen. So, my old address to my old apartment that John Milhiser, my roommate John Milhiser and I shared, that address was on the internet, and then our new,

not our new friend, our friend lives there now. That's his new apartment. He was getting, like, giant manila envelopes for me. So then I was like, oh, let me go pick them up. And then I picked them up, and it was a bunch of people who had figured out my address and asked me to sign pictures for them. And I was like, why would you think I would do that? You sent me homework. Like, I don't really care that you found the address.

I just, like, the audacity. You think I have time in my day to go to a post office? I'm not. And then they didn't include postage. Are you kidding? No. I've done it and they'll at least

do a self-addressed stamped envelope. No. No, you're kidding? No. There was a folded manila envelope in I think three of them, but they didn't have postage. And I was like,

so I have to go to the post office and then pay for postage? For your dumb kid to be like, tea! And then like forget about it in a year? Yeah, right. Postage is expensive. Oh, it's the principal. Yes! You can't do that.

Come on. Before Jess, were you, are you like a serial monogamist? Are you dip in, you dip out? I don't know what the a serial monogamist or you dip in you dip out I don't know what the opposite of monogamy is no that's not a word I was a sonogamist for a good while

no I really wasn't I had one other like serious long term relationship and then I wasn't necessarily really looking and kind of enjoying the lifestyle out of nowhere your star struck and. And I was like, wow. Yeah. How did you propose? This was pretty good. This was on Valentine's Day.

And I'm always hyper, very paranoid about the dog and the dog's health because I brought her back from Puerto Rico. And she's got kava. And she's got kava. Wait, what's it called? Barvo. But kava was the thing I told you about earlier that made me sick. Yes.

Careful with kava kava, friends. So I just... Do you guys know what kava kava is? It made him yellow. For real. Be very careful. For a certain amount of people, kava kava is toxic. It's a real medicine.

I feel like I'm doing a PSA here, but damn it. No, the people need to know. I took kava kava and then it's not for me and then I drank with it and I turned yellow for real. My liver was failing crazy, right? Yeah, yeah, and then they did

they did a test on my liver and they're like your liver is not hurt from drinking and I'm like really I thought that's how I found out your liver can endure a lot and then my my doctors gave me an announcement I could keep drinking I'm like I'm gonna let this go for a while I turned yellow isn't it wild that a doctor was like okay

Eric you'll never guess you can drink your liver was failing yesterday but today you can drink America's not right no it's not no that doctor should have been like, let's take a break. No, and it was two of them.

And seriously, it's kind of one of the problems of Los Angeles. But then they sat me down like, guess what? We have news. You can drink again. We love you on Drunk History. And I was like. So fucked up. I was yellow.

It's the same thing. Like, you have to have willpower because you can go to any doctor and get about any prescription stuff. Which is yellow. It's the same thing. You have to have willpower because you can go to any doctor and get about any prescription stuff. Which is crazy. It's amazing. But I would do the Elvis thing and be happily, Larry David's really cool.

Could I get Dilaudid? Is that possible? And they'll give it to you. Larry David's cool. Could I get Dilaudid? Oh, I got stories of great... No, Chris Pratt? No, Pratt's world down to earth. Could I get Dilaudid? That's crazy. You've taken Dilaudid? Oh, I got stories of great... No, Chris Pratt? No, Pratt's world down to earth.

Can I get Dilaudid? That's crazy. You've taken Dilaudid? No, they wouldn't give me that. That one is like injectable. Because I was like, that would have been fun. No, and the only time I was offered and didn't take it was when I was in the hospital, when I was yellow.

Because they offered it to me, but I'm like, I want to put up the front that I'm better and just get out of here. And if it's on the chart, you had morphine, they might not let you out because I was so scared. Really? I was terrified. Yeah, I was yellow and I kept getting more and more yellow.

Do you have pictures of you yellow? Because I'm like, is it canary yellow or like a pale sunset yellow? There's I did a movie right afterward and I'm yellow in it. And they did for real. They color correct you. No, they put stuff in your eyes and they can do other stuff and i went to the makeup person and they were like oh we see this all the time what i know yeah and i just felt so lucky that everyone in hollywood is literally sick in the head or like sick in the body yeah there's a lot of stuff

going on out there how wild i know we see that all the time that is truly insane i couldn't believe it yeah i don't know if i can change color like don't mess with kava kava white people can change color like i know when you're cold i know when you're i know when you're embarrassed uh I know when your liver's failing now. But, like, I don't think anyone's ever been like, Nicole's cold. Like, I don't think we...

Are there blacks here? Do we change... We don't change color, right? No. How interesting. Huh. Amazing. Huh.

We're doing good work in here today,'re we're learning do you want to know okay i don't think i've talked about this on the podcast but i read this insane article we'll get back to love in a second but i also i didn't take my add medicine no so i read i read this insane article that said that black people have bypassed the opioid crisis because of racism in medicine. So black people historically are not prescribed opioids or medication when they go to the hospital or when they go to ERs because historically they've been like black people are stronger. They heal on their own. Their skin is thicker. like weird shit from like slave times has been indoctrinated into doctors so like i fell off a full fucking motorcycle and like my knee was open

and i went to urgent care and i was like i can't walk help and they were like rest it and put some ice on it and then my friend christy who's a white woman she went to urgent care for a sinus infection and they gave her uh like whatever those like industrial strength tylenols are like the 500 milligram ones and I was like they didn't even give those to me they didn't or like codeine or whatever like it was yeah like codeine tylenol and I was like why didn't I get that? I fell off a motor. I was like open. And they were like, goodbye. And she was like, my sinuses. Isn't that wild? I had no clue.

Yes. Welcome to racism. But isn't that interesting? That is insane. Yeah. Because I've never had a problem getting pain medication. Yeah, they don't give it to the blacks. Wow.

Yeah, isn't that nuts? But like, pretty good in the long run. You avoided the opioid crisis. Yeah. Yeah. That's white folks. Yeah, we stick to crack. Some of these people didn't like that.

They're like, oh, too real here. Truth hurts on a Sunday, friends. The remix by Lizzo. Truth hurts on a Sunday. Okay, so you proposed. Oh, wow, I can't believe I made it back. Seamlessly. Yeah, right?

That felt good. So you proposed on Valentine's Day's day yes which i think is adorable and it makes it easy to remember oh fuck beating the system yeah that's great that's smart no and so the i was like jess there's a problem with chupi's neck when you just look at it she's like oh she's fine i'm like jess there's a problem with chuby's neck she's like oh hold on so she came in and then i put the ring on her collar oh yeah yeah at least she's observant i'm a hundred percent sure i'll be like it's fine yeah she knows to placate me i'm really just like the biggest dog she grooms so yeah that's so cute how did you pick out the ring? It was my grandmother's ring.

Oh, that's nice. And was she a nice person? She was a wonderful person. Yeah. And it was very nice on a character actor budget. Oh, there you go. And then, this is how cool Jess is. Character actor budget.

Oh, character actor budget is real, friends. Are you kidding? Hence, we got married. Because I saw all my friends renting houses in Malibu for 10 grand and I'm like, uh, not a character actor budget. We got married at the Burbank Moose Lodge. Hell yeah, dude. Oh yeah.

I like that. I think that's fun. No, she transformed it into this really cool thing and like it just says the world about her that she was cool enough to get married at the Burbank Moose Lodge and then when people ask, where are you getting married? She's like Burbank Moose Lodge, like proud, and she transformed it. We have this secret theme of like if David Lynch did a mob movie, and she turned it into it and like 800 bucks. Nicole really? Yeah, that was all the rental was. There's 800 bucks and my buddy, my buddy Jack did the catering at cost character actor. They're hurting

our residuals friend. We got to fight back any way we can. I mean, streaming is bad. It's not good. It's good, but it's bad. So, okay, you guys, in streaming, we're not getting residuals, which means you get paid one time for that job, and you get to watch it a thousand times, and I never see another cent for it.

That's streaming. It drives me nuts, friend. Yeah, I think the next strike will have to do with How we're getting paid On the internet I'm in Power to the people Thank you Norma Rae Yes thank you

Yeah Well it drives me nuts And then the union will be like No but we have a 75% Increase in fees And I'm like My check was two dollars And now it's three

Yes No It used to be If you got like three or four Guest stars a year You could live on that Yeah And those days are gone Uh huh Netflix there's no residuals No, it used to be, if you got like three or four guest stars a year, you could live on that. Yeah.

And those days are gone. Uh-huh. Netflix, there's no residuals. It's a jarring thing. Yeah, it's wild. Fight the power ready to strike. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

But also, I don't really understand anything the union does, so I'm like, no. No. I'm just happy to be here. Yeah. Thanks for the job. I'll complain on my podcast, but do nothing real. Nothing, nothing. I don't want to get anybody mad. No, I don't want to be here. Yeah. Thanks for the job. I'll complain on my podcast, but do nothing real. Nothing, nothing. I don't want to get anybody mad.

No, I don't want to make waves here. No, no, make a wave. There's a lot of goofy looking big guys. There's a lot of black women who look just like me. I'll take it. I don't need residuals. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I'm pretty cool. I'm all right.

Okay. Do you ever go into an audition room and there's like 10 of you and you're like, fuck. Oh, constantly. But I just go the other way. I made friends with them. Oh. So my buddy Steve Berg

that performed the ceremony of our wedding, I met him at a big guy audition. He kept beating me on for parts and he was good friends with my other buddy. I'm like, we're just gonna be friends. And like, I have a bunch of friends

I've met at these big guy auditions. I'm like, there's 10 goofy big guys in town. There's enough work to go around. We don't need to fight or like not talk in an audition. Like, let's get a good lunch afterward. You know? I love that.

Do you ever get to an audition late and make it to like the quirky thin man auditions? Yeah, it's jarring. Right? Yeah. Sometimes I get there late and it's like the quirky thin man auditions. Yeah, it's jarring. Right? Yeah. Sometimes I get there late and it's like the Asians. And I'm like, am I here for the right? And they're like, oh yeah, they're just going ethnic.

Which means any ethnicity other than white. No. Which is so offensive. Incredibly offensive. But I'll go in there and make a joke about it. I'm like, they might go a different way, guys. They might go different ways. And then hopefully they laugh. Otherwise, it gets awkward. Yeah.

Auditioning's bad. So can you tell me, okay, when did you get your first girlfriend? Oh, late. Like I was a total late bloomer. Like, I think college. Like, I was probably 19 or 20. Okay. I was not a cool kid. Total late bloomer. I feel like you're passing judgment on people who've never been in relationships. I've never been in one. Okay, so your first girlfriend was in college.

Yeah, in Spokane. Really? Yeah. Was she wild? Yeah, kind of wild. Really? Yeah, she might have been at your show last night. She could have been. How long did you guys date? Maybe like six

months. Oh, okay. That's a good chunk of time for your first. Good chunk of time for my first, yeah. And then I moved down to Los Angeles soon afterwards. How long have you been in LA? Gosh, 18 years now. Dang! I know. Yeah. That's a long ass time yeah i can't believe it you don't seem as old as i think you are bless you i'm i'm 42 because i'm oh yes i was quickly doing math no no i had after i turned yellow i had to get healthy so i don't drink or eat anything

fun anymore so yes you're vegan yeah i know, so like, I want to be a vegan, and then me and Sashir decided we were going to be vegan when we got back from Italy. We got back on the 5th. I have not been vegan. Except for Tuesday, where... Tuesday, I ate Ritz peanut butter sandwich bites

cups and cups of whiskey and then and then a little bite of pizza oh wait that's not vegan so I was vegetarian on Tuesday you're a veggie though that's a big step yes no give it up for that's a giant step

vegan adjacent yes I want to be vegan because i keep seeing people who are vegan with great skin right so when i was like yeah yeah they have like good skin and then like it seems like dewy and glowy and then like vegans love talking about being vegan and i'm like i want to love more things that i talk about incessantly like i talk about pole dancing too much like to like to the point where people are like stop but like i'm like i need a couple more things in my pocket that i could just pull out to annoy people with oh yeah the vegans will tell you they're vegan i always feel like it's a cosmic joke because I made fun of vegans forever.

And I feel like I'm trying to undo the damage of 100 vegans that came before me and talked to somebody and lectured them and harangued them. And I'm like, you're not. You get more flies with honey than you do vinegar. And you're not going to convince anyone to do it. But I just know for me, I did it as like a last resort. And all my inflammation went away. But I think they do weird stuff with dairy here. And certain people just aren't meant to eat that way.

If I went to Europe, I'd have no problem eating cheese. I was just in Italy. Thank you. And I got sick after zero meals, and I constantly eat dairy here, and I get very sick after. I got sick after no meals. We ate pasta for every meal,

and we never felt disgusting or heavy, but also we went out and walked around after every meal. Oh, my God. Italy is so much fun. Isn't it great? Where'd you go? Rome. Do you have cacio e pepe?

Yes. Oh, it's the best, right? Oh, my God. We had cacio e pepe. We had carbonara. We had this, like, arriba. That's not how I say it. It is now.

It's arriba. It's like a red sauce. It's so good arby arby arby's arby's oh i would annihilate it i'm just hearing wait oh arbyata yes i'm going to you again and then I had some bolognese. Oh my God, it was so fucking good. Also, what a romantic city. So there's like fucking like cobblestone streets and it looks like fucking Disney World.

And then I one day did my make, you've never, have you ever been? It looks like Disney. I went last year for the first time. I really want to go to the Imagineers and be like, y'all did a good job here. It was good. It. This is good. Looks just like Rome.

But one of the days I did my makeup pretty well, and every man lost his mind. We walked past this restaurant, and this man was like, spicy. And I was like, hello? And he was like, chow, he was like, ciao, spicy. And then we walked past the restaurant again. He was like, spicy's back.

That sounds like a Wendy's ad. Yeah. Spicy's back with the all new chicken, $2.49. Spicy, it never left. I should have said that to him. He'd be like, what are you saying to me, Spicy? Was there any further interaction with him? I would be focused on Spicy Man.

No, and then every corner I turned, there was a man who was like, hello. It was very strange. I don't know what I was doing to them, but I also didn't fuck anybody because I was with a bunch of friends, and I was like, I don't really know how to fuck in a foreign country

because like the Airbnb we were staying in had four doors and it was really hard to get in each door it was like a fucking maze and then New Year's Eve I got real stoned because I ate an edible and then Shira was trying to open the door and I stood next to her just turning my hand like a key

and she was like you're not helping and I was like turning my hand like a key. And she was like, you're not helping. And I was like, so I was like, God forbid I go home with somebody. And I'm just like, yeah,

I don't know. I don't know how to fuck in a foreign country. You're an improviser. You would eventually figure it out. I guess I could figure it out. For sure. I guess. But I just kept getting confused because all the streets were just too cute and looked the same. I was like, where am I?

You were getting a buzz there. They were into you. That's like the first time I was in New York during Pride Week and I was young. I had no clue that the bear thing existed. Oh, my God. I've never felt so loved and validated. And I was like, Oh, this is a thing.

This is, I felt like Bert Reynolds. And I'm like walking around New York. I'm like, God bless you all. Oh, thank you so much. This is wonderful for my self esteem.

Honestly, I love that you love that. Cause I feel like a lot of your straight identifying a lot of straight identifying gentlemen are like I don't need any man coming up to me take the fucking compliment you idiot no that's it I was so thrilled

right I love that and at the time like it had been a long time between any kind of girlfriend and I was like man I'm walking around New York. I feel beautiful. Bless your heart. Thank you, sir. Have you ever walked in front of the bar Rawhide?

No. Rawhide is a leather. It was a leather. Leatherduty bar. My brain was like, you can't say that out loud uh but yeah there would just be like glorious bears and harnesses just like dancing in like the front i loved it you would always like end up there you couldn't start there because like sometimes you'd just be fucking yeah that's where you end yeah that's the dessert you can't start there no because

there's got to be built to. Because if you start there, then you're definitely doing meth. Okay. Okay. I like to do questions from the audience. How do I preface this? There's no need to ask me

how I shave my pussy. In Boston, this woman was like, how do you shave your pussy? And I was like, poorly. And that got a laugh. And then she was like, yeah, but like, how? And I was like, patchy. And she was like, poorly. And that got a laugh. And then she was like, yeah, but like, how? And I was like, patchy.

And she was like, okay, but like, how? And I was like, I don't know how to make this end. So yeah, we don't need to ask me about how I shaved my pussy. No need to proposition me for a threesome. That's been happening. I heard on your podcast it's been happening. Yes, but I'm going to be on a plane at 8 p.m., so I cannot. Doesn't work time-wise, friends.

Doesn't work time-wise, no. And that's your loss. And then questions. Questions start with Ws. We're big on that. Yes. We don't need to hear a monologue about a personal experience from your life, any trauma that may have happened and comment on the colorized previous

work. Yeah, let's leave it right here and explore this space. Yeah, okay, so I'm sorry Nicole. I had a horrible your podcast. He got me through an awful time. I don't want to get too graphic here, but

okay, so there's like stairs over there. Don't come up the stairs. But like you can line up there. I'll stand over there. Eric, you stand over there. And if people appear, we'll get their questions. I love it. Okay. Here we go. Who wants

to ask us something? Okay. Yay. I love it. We did it. They're coming. Hi, Okay. Yay, I love it. We did it. They're coming. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Eric. I miss you. I miss you.

This was fun. It was fun. Okay, I'll take the first one. Okay. Okay, hi, hello, say your name and your age. Hello, Nicole, I'm 28. I am such a big superhero. What's your name? Hello, Nicole. I'm 28. I am such a big super fan.

What's your name? Andrew, Andrew. I'm Andrew. Okay. So this is kind of, by the way, I'm a big super fan. My friend Amanda says hello. She couldn't be here.

My question is, so this is kind of like a one-year anniversary for me. I was dumped a year ago, and we still follow each other and find my friends. And sometimes I still, like, look at his location. Whoa. I know, right? Who wouldn't, though, right?

A lot of people wouldn't. I do. And my question is, you know, when I'm,, I look at it, and locations aren't that interesting, so sometimes you have to look at their Instagram story to see where they are. What do I do, Nicole? You just told all these people you like to stalk. Okay, you got to delete the find my friend thing. You have to delete his Instagram and block it.

You have to delete the number. You need to wash the number. You need to wash this person away because if you're going to be preoccupied with somebody else, how can you open your heart for somebody else? Do you know what I mean? I promise you, you'll feel better.

There'll be a second, a fleeting moment where you're like, how do I get him or them? I don't know. But just pass through it. You don't need it. Okay. Okay. You're welcome.

Okay. Your turn. You go over there. Okay. Am I here? Oh, wow. We don't have stairs. Hi.

How are you, friend? Hello. I'm good. I'm Amanda. I'm 34. I don't know why I do that. So I was wondering wondering either one of you if you've ever gone on a date and just like

immediately knew that you weren't feeling this person did you actually go through the date or how did you extricate yourself and if that's never happened how would you do that I mean I once went on a I mean I think you gotta finish the date you can't if once went on a I mean I think you gotta finish the date

you can't if you're on a date and it's not good you just leave you say I'm gonna go get cigarettes and don't come back maybe I'm too much of a people pleaser no I think if it's a bad date

you fight through it you might make a friend but you don't leave no y'all are brutal in the north bay you're kidding so on a bad date you realize okay there's not necessarily chemistry but like you leave before the main entree comes you're just like i'm out no you don't go on dinner dates anymore it's 2020 you go you go for drinks you go for coffee you go for something where there is a

out you know like no movies nothing not to like the third fourth date and you're like I can be with this person for more than 30 minutes so I me I'm out if I don't like you, I'm like, okay, I'm going to get good and drunk. And I'm going to dip out. But, yeah, I won't stay past, like, an hour if I don't like that person. I'll just be like, I have a really early morning. I went out with this one bridge troll. And I didn't like him, which is ironic because I'm a troll. And he, like, went to the bathroom. And the bartender was like, how's your night going? And I was like, I hate my date. And he like went to the bathroom and the bartender was like,

how's your night going? I was like, I hate my date. And he was like, oh, okay. Wait, what? I was like, yeah, I don't like my date. And he was like, oh, okay. So then he kept bringing shots over. And then my date was like,

oh, do you know the bartender? I was like, he's my best friend. So I just like got pretty good and drunk. And then I was like, I have an early morning tomorrow. Listen to the poll. Yeah, don't finish it. Especially women, you don't owe men anything.

And then if you date women, you don't owe that bitch nothing either. And if you date non-binary people, fuck them. How rude. Hi, Nicole. Hello. Your name and your age. It's rude. I'm Melissa.

I'm 31. And I just wanted to, so I'm trying to start powerlifting. And I just wanted to, so I'm trying to start powerlifting. But I was wondering, when you started pole, did you have, like, any upper body strength to start with? Because I have none. And I feel like I'm finally over my, like, stigma about exercise as a fat person. And I want to do it, but I keep coming up with excuses like, I don't have gym shoes. I don't have contacts and my glasses are too slutty and I can't.

How do you motivate yourself? Well, you're literally wearing weightlifting shoes. They just have to be flat. Yeah, they just have to be flat. No, they just have to be flat. You're wearing contacts now get to the trip no i'm kidding um to answer your question no i didn't really have any upper body strength but like do babies fall out of pussies walking no they have to be held and then they crawl and then they walk walk. So baby steps, like a year from, if you start tomorrow, a year from now, you're going to be so shocked at what you can do. Like two months from now, you'll be shocked at what you can do.

So just fucking do it, girl. Yay. Yay. Hi. Name and how old you are. Hi, I'm Kat. I'm 23. And so I know you've been talking about how 2020 is going to be your year. I really am feeling like it's maybe going to be my year too.

So I was wondering if you had any like resolutions or things you're manifesting besides veganism that you're going to do for this year. Well, every year I write down goals in my, I have a planner where I write shit down in it. I still don't make it to anything. But I like to write my goals next to my birthday. And then I like to read them at the end of the year. And then usually, I don't know, I just like carry the goals around with me. So they kind of manifest on their own, which is like pretty hippy dippy. But I don't know. I just carry the goals around with me so they kind of manifest on their own, which is pretty hippy-dippy. But I don't know. This year, I think I'm going to invest more in my personal life than my professional life or try to split the difference a little bit more.

So I'm taking a month off from doing stand-up in the spring and then uh yeah so i was like a little bit more me time because like i was on the road almost every weekend from january to january uh so i was like yeah let me do some some me time and then i like decorated my house and that feels good so yeah just little things for me uh-huh eric do you have anything you're going to do for 2020? I think 2020 things are getting better. I feel like all my hippy dippy astrology friends says we've got through a tough spot in the universe and good things are coming now.

And yeah, I just want to be happy, healthy, and at work. You're adorable. Okay, hi, hello. I'm Dennis. I'm obsessed with your podcast. How old are you, Dennis? I swear I was getting there. I'm 32.

So I do drag, and I know you love drag queens. And my two questions that are, what's the favorite drag performance you've ever seen? And what drag queen comedic advice do you have for drag queens that have no training and are just trying to make people laugh oh that was a good question my favorite drag queen performance is a drag queen from la named meatball i talk about meatball constantly because i think she's so fucking funny. Also, I've fallen off her motorcycle. So the performance she does,

it's a reveal of just the same dress over and over and over again. And it's on YouTube. Look it up. She's so funny. Meatball is funny because Meatball is like sloppy as her brand.

So that's what she does so i think when you're starting to do comedy you got to figure out kind of what your brand is or like what makes you laugh like if it makes you laugh and it makes your friends laugh it might make an audience laugh i say a lot of stupid shit and people giggle about it. So I was like, oh, I guess I keep doing that. Yeah, I don't know if I have good advice. Eric, do you have good advice for comedy? I mean, I think the weird thing is as a character actor for me is it's kind of bringing myself to it. So whatever you do, bring you and your passion to whatever you're playing. And, you know, I'll do it sometimes even when I play bad guys. You don't have to be a method

actor. You just act like yourself and say horrible things and people are horrified. It's a cheat code. I didn't act. So yeah, just make sure even as you transform into another entity, you keep yourself in your heart. Eric, that I loved. I like that.

Okay, your side. Yes, name and age. Hello. Hello, my name is Fonzie. I, you're set. Yes, name and age. Hello, my name is Fonzie. I'm 28 years old. My question is for both of you. So Nicole, in this podcast you talk a lot about therapy and how you have a great therapist. And I know for a lot of people, especially queer people of color, trans people of color, women of color, it's really hard to find a therapist that is that really fits you and your needs so what advice do you have about going or going about and finding that right therapist and maybe if for both of you guys if you

could share a little bit about your story about how you ultimately your relationship with therapy and how you ended up finding a therapist that works for you um i found my therapist because my friend was like you need therapy which like sounded harsh in the moment but the minute i went to therapy and i sat down and was like hello and she was like hello and then i started bawling it was like my trauma i was like oh she was fully right i need therapy i think everybody needs therapy i think the government should give a stipend for people to get help i it's so insane that we don't fucking help people but um i just lucked into really liking my

therapist upon meeting her the first time she's like a real woke white lady um and i have a couple of friends of color who were like i'm looking for a woman of color no offense uh your therapist is great but whatever i need a woman of color so i reached out to my therapist and then she reached out to people she trusted so i think getting recommendations is a good way to find a good therapist if you truly don't know where to start and if you don't have money there's sliding scale therapy where they look at your paycheck they go you make two skittles this is half a skittle um also there money, there's sliding scale therapy where they look at your paycheck. They go, you make two Skittles? This is half a Skittle. Also, there's so many resources if you just use Google that can help you get therapy for very cheap.

But yeah, that's my experience. Do you do therapy, Eric? I do. And the other thing I'll say since this is all of our favorite relationship podcast and this comes with a bit of stigma i'm huge on couples therapy oh because i'll tell my friends like oh no i can't do that we're going to couples therapy and they give a look at oh everything okay but how interesting friend it is life-changing it's like having this coach that's in your life and yeah she'll call me on my bullshit and clean the house dude, but she's really amazing and it's kind of like you check in and everything's cleared and like we walk out of couples therapy holding hands and going to get a falafel. It's really name drop.

That's so funny. I cannot recommend it enough like a great couples therapist can be such an asset to a relationship and we weren't really struggling or anything. We just went. We're like, she's like, I just really want you to meet my therapist and come in, and I was sure she was going to be against me, and then instead we went in there, and I'm like, yeah, she does do that. So I see her now solo, too. So it's a very funny way to come to therapy. So I see her solo, and I'll leave there sometimes.

I feel a little ganged up on, but that's just male and we're wrong and it's a great way don't be afraid of couples therapy i think it's so funny that people are like uh-oh you're having problems when like i go to therapy and i'm not always having problems you know what i'm saying like things are going swimmingly but i'm like i have to go see mary you know i have to like check, blah. But it's just so funny that people would just assume that you're having problems by going to therapy as a couple. That's so wild. Let's all change that stigma. Right here in San Francisco.

Hello. Hello. I'm Sean and I'm 28. I want to get that out there first. Dumb question and sort of serious question. So dumb question. In Tempe, how many vibrators did you give away at the Tracy's Dog?

I'm still getting emails. So I ended, I only paid out of pocket for 10, and then the company sent out 205. Yeah, you do a bit, and everyone's like i need to come it was honestly awful okay this is a serious question um so you started this podcast like talking to people you had dated and asking them why would they date you um was it helpful did it make you feel bad like how was it? I didn't feel bad. You can't hurt my feelings.

I don't give you that power. It was interesting. Like, when I talked to my friend Dan, I didn't realize how messy drunk I was. And I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't drink that much. So that's, like, one thing I've learned, to not drink, as I told a story about how drunk I was the other night. But at least I have like the self-awareness now.

I don't know if it's helped. Hi. Name and age Hi my name's Brianna And I'm 48 Hi Brianna what is your question Wait you got great skin You vegan

Are you Damn I can't believe it 48 I gotta look at that skin It's so good Damn Leave it. 48? I gotta look at that skin. It's so good. Dang. Fuck.

I gotta be a vegan. Oh my gosh. Okay, my question is, I'm a serial monogamist. So I've had about seven long, dramatic relationships that all end in insanity. So I'm now aggressively single. But say I want to do something again within the next few years.

How do I take it slow? How do I not get snowballed into this thing i mean that's hard i take things too fast and i meet someone i go you're you're my husband and um we're gonna have a child and i've already changed my name to your last name um but like what i do is like it is annoying but i like talk about it ad nauseum in therapy and then my so like once a week my therapist will be like chill the fuck out and then sometimes like a good friend will be like chill the fuck out so like that's helpful but other than that you kind of have to like sit at home and be like stop being crazy just like you're okay stop being crazy but yeah i think that's hard eric what do you think yeah i think if you're even already declaring it and you have this intention your

next relationship is going to be different hell yeah yeah yeah baby steps we're all here to learn yeah so good to meet you okay hi hello hi hi uh my name's Jonathan. I'm 30 years old, and I love you so much. And I'm, like, sad that your parents are dead, but your sister, I want, like, I'm like, is your sister going to be on your podcast? Like, I want to hear, like, your sister, you know what I mean? Like, I want to, like, is your sister going to be on the episode or whatever? Like, I want to hear your sister your sister going to be on the episode or whatever? I love that a black man stepped in to save that moment. He was like, we can't do this.

My sister probably will not be on an episode. Well, she's a very quiet person. She didn't ask to be in the spotlight. She's not an actress. She's not in entertainment. So it's like, well, within reason that she doesn't want to be on a podcast that will be listened to like a lot of people. She's just a sweetie.

So no. I don't think so. I asked and she said no. Bye-bye. Hi hi how are you name and age hi my name is court i'm 23 um so my boyfriend and i broke up recently um it was pretty mutual so i'm okay um but i redownloaded hinge as per your recommendation niple um and yesterday i matched with my ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend um wow so both y'all out there creeping um would it be shitty of me to pursue my ex's ex? Is that too messy? Honestly, I think it's a little messy, but it could work. But

why do you want to date this person? It's not because he's my ex's ex. I just think that he's hot. That's all. Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is your ex's ex? Then why did you bring that part up?

Well. Sorry, friend. Truth will slap you in the face. Truth does hurt on a Sunday. That was a good callback. I honestly think that you're in Tim because he's your ex's ex I think if you met organically it would be a different thing but like both of you

were just probably just like this is this man's ex you're both his the ex's ex your ex's I don't know I think maybe you'll get a good story out of it, and it might work out, but I don't think it will. And it's also, how much do you want to be friends with your ex?

You don't? I'd clear him for takeoff. Right? All right. Let him. It's love. It's skin. Try it. Try it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Hello. Hi. Hi, I'm Carissa. It's skin. Try it. Try it. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Hello. Hi. Hi, I'm Carissa. I'm 30. My mom died a week before Christmas if that guy also wants to talk about my dead mom. Unexpectedly and suddenly and tragically.

Get him! get him oh my god I love someone aggressively talking about their mother's death a week ago that's not my question my question is my question is I question is My question is I also do drag and I love when you're in drag and I love your relationship with

I love you. Oh, see, I have fans in the audience. Sorry. Lots of fans. Sorry. I can't go anywhere. When you got painted by Trixie and painted by Monique, whose paint did you like better? Oh, dang. They're both different paints.

And also, Monique helped Trixie. So they both, that was collaborative. But I think I stayed in that look the longest. I went to the Trixie one. I was pretty hungover. And then I was like, I couldn't possibly take this off. So I went to dinner at 8pm,

like a full eight hours later, in full geish, like wig and everything, in a normal outfit, and my friend was like, Nicole! And I was like, hello! And then people kept staring at me, and I was like, what is everyone staring at? And then I went to the bathroom and screamed because I forgot what I looked like I don't know it's just fun being put in drag I like it yeah love you thank you hi friend I hope your

parents are okay I just texted my mom she's's okay. Hi, I'm Fauna. I'm 28. I've looked up to you, Nicole, since the Girl Code days. You're amazing. Thank you. I have the opposite problem as our 48-year-old vegan friend. I have never been in a relationship, never really gone on a real date. One of my resolutions for this year is to start dating more, but as a brown girl living

in San Francisco, I can't catch a break on Hinge, on whatever like my my inbox is like barren my profile is decent but I guess my question is like what would your advice be to start that kind of like dating momentum or just to like put yourself out there more and be more confident about it because I've gotten to a point where that confidence is like real low okay what are you what is your what who uh what kind of folks do you want to be dating what kind of folks just like anyone that's a human and like oh well i'm just like men women like men men okay because i was like if you were into women you could just do activities with women you know uh but let's see. Men. They're tough.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, are you on Bumble? I'm on all of the apps. Okay. I mean, honestly, this is the blind leading the blind. Like, I don't... That's like an antiquated phrase.

I probably shouldn't use that anymore. Right? Is that bad? Because blind people get around just fine. I'm having like a nervous breakdown. I'm like, why would I ever say that? It's like, it's like a, I can't think of a better term. Let's see.

I have the same problem. So like, i don't know how to give you advice eric what do you what do you like for women to do i know that you've been in a relationship for eight years but before that like what was the thing that a woman could do that you were like yummy talk to me i mean i i i was not um great with the opposite sex i was completely awkward and i remember that's the thing that night with jess i had to ask her for her number just so i would do it just because normally i wouldn't and i'd be fearful and build up things in my head and just kind of going for it but i mean i know this this is is tough because i thank god i've never dealt with the apps i got locked up right before the apps or i'd be in trouble but i mean i why not we should

have like a little dating pool here yeah like for after the show gentlemen here yeah okay but here's the thing there's never any single straight men here no if there If there any might be, it would be for your show. In Boston, there was one. Really? It was an 800 seat theater. I said, how many straight men are here? They're like, woo! I was like, how many are single?

And they were like, woo! One. Then I was like, would you date me? And he's like, huh. Are there any single straight men here right now? Of course not. Amazing. I could get vibrators to people,

but I can't find a straight man at my show. I think... I had no clue. All I can say is I believe deeply in the power of 2020. Yes, 2020! I really do. I really do. I really do. But I have a weird feeling you're going to meet somebody in person.

Yes, I was just about to say that, Eric! See? I was going to say, you should, like, go to bars or, like, I don't know, a fun activity, and then, like, just practice talking to people. And then if you feel like, oh, my God, this guy's, like, into me, like, then you have to, like, play the game and be like tee hee hee you want my number? what?

because you can't just give everything to men because they don't like that, they like a chase, it's really annoying, there's like rules there's rules oh my god, I'm going to jump off a building one of these days but yeah, I think 2020 is gonna be your year yeah okay last question and then we gotta oh wait I have to ask you if you would date me because I keep forgetting to ask people okay so

last question hi hi hi hi my name is Erica and I'm 30 years old. I love your podcast and it's gotten me through hard times. I'm wondering, breakups, if we're being serious. So I was wondering, two questions. One is, I know you talked about attachment theory a very long time ago on your podcast and how you explored that at all in your dating life. And then the second one is, how do you stay hopeful? I'm going through a breakup and wondering how. So the first one was about attachment therapy? Oh, theory. Hmm, I don't remember talking about that. I'll tell you something, I've done too many episodes.

People will bring up past ones and I'm like, I don't remember talking. Don't know. Two, how do I stay hopeful? I don't remember talking. Don't know. Two, how do I stay hopeful? I don't know. It might be because I have ADD.

I truly get sad, and then 20 minutes later, I'm like, it's a new day. And it's like, no, Nicole, it's still Monday. You're like, but it's a new time on Monday. I'm also very, I don't know I'm a pretty positive person I think faking it till you make it is truly a thing more people should like live by like

I don't know if you're not happy maybe if you just smile and take a walk you might feel happy after I don't know just doing dumb shit like that I do a lot of dumb shit like I can't remember what I was doing or if I was having a bad day, but I put my dog in my pants

and I laughed real hard. And I had a great night. So I don't know. Do stupid shit. That's bad advice. Get a dog. Yeah, get a dog. I like having a dog. Okay. We do have to wrap this up.

But Eric, I ask almost all of my guests. I think I've missed four people. But would you date me? God, yes. Yay! This felt like the best date ever. Right? Thank you. Yes. If you weren't married, here's a secret.

My boys thought you were really cute. Yay! I won! Bless your heart. What a weird noise I was making. Yeah, I think you're adorable and you're fun. And a lot of people aren't fun. So, you didn't ask, but I would date you. appreciate I wanted to ask I appreciate yeah god yeah okay so if you

enjoyed this episode of why won't you date me you can send me a nasty little message and I'll read it out loud this is not a nasty message, but this man said, the three reasons you're single. And it's not bad. First, your natural charisma can be intimidating, which I was like, meh, fuck off. Second, you have status, so your standards will rightfully be high for a long-term partner. But the biggest factor is no doubt your available time commitment,

which your career won't allow much of. You keep working hard until you free up enough time to make a home life. That way, you'll be at your best and you won't be worn out from overworking. And I was like, dude, I can have it all. Like, there was a whole fucking comedy show. Like, 30 Rock was literally about Liz Lemon having it all. And like, she did by the end,

but I didn't watch that last season. But I think she did. I think she did. Okay, and then I got another one this one's not dirty but this one said uh hopefully you read your dms i have a weird question for you have you ever dated rich johnson he's a dj in southern california i went out with him a few times and he told me a crazy story about dating you personally Personally, I think he's full of shit. He is. Isn't it wild that someone would tell someone they dated me? Okay, here's a nasty one. Nicole, my

work wifey and I would like to lick that clit like two little kitty cats lapping up milk. Give me a strap on it. We'll take turns pounding you doggy style till you start to speak in tongues. All while listening to Best Friends? So Shira's welcome to join?

Ew, I could never do anything with Shira. Her titties are too big and scary. And here's another one. Sup? I want to milk that puss juice out of you like a little cow. And fill the water tank in my basement with it so I can have easy access for drinking, cooking. And bathing purposes, XOXO. That one is so upsetting.

Ew, imagine going to someone's house and being like, can I have a cup of water? And then you drink it, and then later they're like, that's from the finest pussy. It's like, who are you, Gwyneth Paltrow? Okay. Well,

that's it. Bye bye. Nicole! Legend! This has been a Team Coco production.