Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Embrace Your Sloppy (w/ Michelle Buteau)

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

The wonderful comedian Michelle Buteau (Always Be My Maybe, host of The Circle) discusses owning her sexuality, raising twins, being denied the ability to adopt kids, and so much more. Nicole and Michelle share their worst moments getting drunk on a plane, how the public keeps mistaking them for one another, and if having big tiddies makes it easier or harder to dateFor more Nicole Byer, check out her other podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though you could slap my butt and kick me down the stairs, run down the stairs, pick me up, slap me in the face, and spit in my mouth.

These are getting worse and worse. My guest today. Oh, boy. What a fucking treat. She's got a special coming out, an hour special coming out on Netflix. She did the Netflix 15. I believe it's called The Stand-Ups. You better believe that she was on Awkwafina Norris from

Queen. She did seven episodes of Bless the Hearts. She stars on The First Wives Club on BET. She was also in Always Be My Maybe and a part that everyone loves. She was in Someone Great. You better believe she was in Isn't It Romantic. She was on Russian Doll.

She did a pilot called Hannah Royce's Questionable Choices that never aired. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. She's got a Comedy Central half hour. It's Michelle Buteau. Ay, oh, po-po-peow.

That was amazing. I was like, are you my sassy accountant? I'm like, yes, I got to get all them W-9s and W-10s. Yes, bitch. Get them filed so you could get your money. Trust. Don't come for me. I'll file an extension.

Girl, I got nothing to do and I got everything to do. How'd I go? Well, you have two beautiful babies. My God. I thought you meant my titties. But yes. You do have two. I mean, it depends on what you're talking about.

I could have been talking about your titties. Have I showed you my titties before? I don't think I've ever seen them raw and naked. Because I'm very, I'm not like naked. I guess I'm naked family, yes. And I'm very comfortable changing in front of people. And I feel like I changed in front of you. And you're like, I'm going to go. front of people and I feel like I changed in front of you and you're like I'm gonna go and I was like look at my star I don't think we've changed in

front of each other maybe we were in Montreal and we put our bathing suits on to go down to the pool and I feel like I had steak tartare oysters I just yes like motorboated like a french king and stinky cheese in your room I did not just talk about my pussy, but that's also some French sticky cheese. Yeah, I think I did. I was in a stage where I was like, I will give you your privacy now. Titties out. I'll show anyone my nipple. I mean, everyola brings everybody together. It truly does. I posted an Instagram video of pole dancing because I've been just really trying to work on some stuff and get better during quarantine. And I climbed basically to the top of the pole,

slid midway down, and then was like, I think I can drop into a split from here. So I dropped into a split, but my bathing suit bottoms got caught on the pole and when i looked at the video i was like oh you can fully see my pussy oh send me that video i've got time that is you go girl did you see that video of that stripper that just like fell six feet on her face yes wendy william on Wendy Williams with like her jaw wired, still talking

and being sassy with nails. I'm like, how? She got to make that money. She got to get that $500 guest fee. I mean, I was like, when I was watching her from my couch braless, you know,

with my kitchen in the back of my fucking head out, just living my truest self. I felt like making it rain. I was like this poor solidarity. We should all make it rain. I, yes, I support this journey of sexy ass gymnastics. You are a pioneer. You ever seen pioneer woman on food network? No, like pioneer woman, but with your booty. And, you know, you got recipes I want to try,

but I don't have time and I'm scared. Do you need health insurance to climb a pole? Um, I don't think you need it, but I do think it is recommended because I have fallen off the pole. Not that high, though.

I was like two feet off the ground and it was like, thunk. But that's like, that's like proper steps. Yeah, it was like falling down uh three three steps three generous sized stairs have you ever fell down steps oh all the time i once um got very drunk at a gentleman's home and uh fell down a full flight of stairs either passed out and fell or fell down and passed out

but either way at the bottom of the staircase your friend was sound asleep that's what that was pretty much your intro and i love that it came like full circle i the worst is like okay having a drunk mishap is one thing but having it in someone else's house is just like next level is one thing, but having it in someone else's house is just like next level embarrassment. My Jamaican mom would say, Embarrass. Don't embarrass me, Michelle.

I'm like, okay, girl, take it down. It's khaki, not khaki. Everyone relax. I mean, I throw, I vomit like a full moon. When do full moons come out? Once a year?

Mm-hmm. Sure. No. The one time it was like in someone else's house and it was not good because I don't like to vomit in a toilet that feels like I'm a crackhead. No, just a crackhead. So I vomit like in a sink or a bathtub. Oh, Michelle, you're disgusting i'm a monster oh how devastating i would be so upset to go in my bathroom and be like you know what we gotta

wash our hands for 20 seconds michelle puked in my fucking sink i'd be so upset i haven't done it in a while i mean look she is who she is she's got a mortgage she's got freckles i'm doing things she cannot change she is stuck in her ways it's my theme song i fucking love it i also don't puke very often the last time i threw up was after a flight i was flying back from new york this was two summers ago and um i had drank so the flight attendant said do you want some champagne they opened some up front because i was in economy plus don't tell nobody okay get your key wall wrapped bitch and I said sure because I made friends with the flight attendants so they went up front got me some champagne and they kept pouring it and I was like oh my god I think a sip was taken out of this

bottle but I'm not gonna say no and then I ordered double vodkas on the rocks. And I had like four of those or five of those. And then we landed and I was like, I need to get off this plane. I don't I don't feel OK. And I was like, what if I scream? Because we were stuck on the tarmac. And thank God I didn't scream. They take me right to jail. Yeah.

So then I get in my Uber and I fall asleep. And the lady was like, are you OK? And I was like, oh, and then I got home, looked at my dogs. I said, I cannot walk you. I might have told this story on the podcast before. I don't know. But anyway, I laid down, woke up and was like, no. And then I threw up so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye.

That happens when I throw up. I cry because it just feels very unnatural. It does. I'm sad. it is a release like obviously I don't want to be feeling gross and sick the next day but getting drunk on a plane is the worst because you think it's going to be fun while it's happening but then you kind of like have nowhere to go yes getting drunk on a plane is almost like quarantine you're in your house and you're like I'm gonna get drunk and then and you're like, I'm going to get drunk.

And then you're like, cool. And I'm going to look at the same fucking furniture and scroll through the same shit on fucking Netflix. Oh, man. In quarantine, I've been like a proper tipsy. I think one night I got like wasted and I was supposed to do a Zoom show for Laugh Aid. And I just showed up like high and tipsy. And I was like, this is what you get. You're an hour behind. I planned my edible out to put

kids to bed and to clean the kitchen high. That's how you should clean a kitchen. It's a little bit high. And now y'all are an hour late and they're like, don't go over your time. It's five minutes. I was like, I'm going to give you three minutes and 40 seconds. And it's going to be so good.

Hopefully. Who knows what happened? I didn't ask. I just look. They raise money and we keep moving. Who knows? Who cares? The people got their money.

They happy about it. You know, when people judge you for like having a drink or two before state, when we used to go on stages, I just like who hurt you like no i also have wire hangers bitch like why do we have all these rules your hangers like from the dry cleaner yes oh i love when it says i love new york on the paper you moved into a new place did you move before you moved before quarantine yeah i did so much before right i moved the end of september to a little island north of the bronx called city island and they call it like um the nantucket or some shit of the bronx because a little over 4 000 people live on the island it's very nautical blah blah blah whatever and i felt

isolated as fuck when i first moved here i was like god where's the caribbean food and the mixed prints and the black love like i miss brooklyn but now now now that i don't have to touch that fucking hot bed of a fucking doorknob at the bodega that like 1100 people have touched like in three hours. It feels good. It feels good. You know, I feel I really feel for all my friends who have apartments and stuff and no yard space because man, sunshine is is fucking healing as fuck and vitamin D just won't do the trick. I love the sunshine in LA. I also take a vitamin D supplement because, you know, I just need sunshine.

Last time I hung out with you, we had dinner at your place. I got to see the babies. Good Lord, not your titties, the actual living, breathing babies. And we did these like droplets of weed oil and we did like a full droplet full of it. And I wasn't feeling it. And then I was like, I think I'm very high. And then you looked at me and you were like, this shit's working. I'm high. And then your husband

was like, I don't feel it. And then turned up the TV and started to talk over the TV. And I was like, no, no, you definitely feel it as well. He always says I'm a little high. He's like a drunk person who's like never wants to admit that they're drunk. I'm like, are you high? His eyes will be bloodshot. He'll be like doing a DIY. He makes a lot of bread now. He's like, I'm going to go make a bread. I'm like, it's 8 PM. He's like, I'm not high. I'm like, yeah, I'm a little high. But yeah, man, you got to. I feel like you just, you just have to. I mean, not a lot. I mean, it's like sort of like micro dosing, I suppose, which is really how you get through parenthood. Fair. Speaking of parenthood, is it hard? That's a dumb question.

It's definitely hard. You got two. Yeah, there's levels to it, man. There's levels. And I didn't even know because my mom, I understand why my mom is like a balding introvert now, because the amount of energy you like expend. But with twins, it's like, they're definitely their own person, but you also have to maintain your own self dignity, awareness as well. So it's like, you know, it's like you're an actress and a comedian, right? But that isn't the only thing you are. So you're a mom, but it's not the only thing. so it's just wet and wild and um i don't really know how to be a mom in public yet because okay i've really just been at home with them and now i've like really been at home with them and so when i'm out and i see other kids i'm like no that's

that's that's on you bro like i don't know how to do it with other people yet but we'll get to it obviously they gotta go to school at some point because I'm not going to homeschool. I thought about it, but I was like, what am I in Utah? Don't let the bun fool you. I mean, homeschooling is an option. But then I feel like everybody who's ever been homeschooled, when they get out into the real world, they're like, I don't know how to do this. Yeah. Then it's like their rumspringer. And it's like the first time they've ever seen like a dick or like a joint. And I don't know how to do this yeah then it's like their rumspringer and it's

like the first time they've ever seen like a dick or like a joint and i don't want that like obviously we're in the bronx so they're gonna get a different kind of education anyways you know and it's always the nicer schools like the private schools the most expensive schools have the fucking the fucking drug addicts and shit i mean i like that you're sending your kids to school to see joints and dicks you're like fuck the abcs it's not on this dick it's not a joint it's like black history month and women's history month it's not in the book but you're gonna learn about it yeah man how did you how did you meet your husband aka bob goodbye goodbye i already know this story but it is nice for podcasting people to hear it these motherfuckers probably know too

they're like stop talking about the one one night stand. Actually, it wasn't the first one night stand I had. Met my husband through a one night stand. I was doing one night stands for a few years because I found it really hard to date. I felt like it was a waste of time. I'm like, I'm giving you a good outfit, a good lip. I'm like, I can pay my half. I'm making the conversation better than whatever the fuck you could do. And it never felt even.

It's like, I like them too much and they didn't reciprocate or vice versa. And I was like, I could just be getting coins doing a show for people who are dating. So, yeah, I met him and it was supposed to be one night stand. And he kept in touch with me because he's like, damn, look at them areolas and freckles. That's why I love 90 Day Fiancé. She's got freckles on her face and two big freckles on her titties. Yay, bitch. And he was the cookie monster. That's horrible.

Hamburger. Hamburger. hamburger hamburger but but that's why like husband and i love 90 day fiance so much because we really do see part of ourselves in the beginning of the relationship in these dummies i mean you know thank god the government gives them that those many days to figure out how sad they're gonna fucking be but it's just like what happens when you have this fucking connection with somebody after 24 hours and they go back home because husband lived in uh amsterdam right yeah he lived in amsterdam and he had a really cute he had a hot ass roommate at the time this black chick who was serenade who was like newly gay

but like definitely she was by it really depended like what kind of rent money she needed sure and she'd always be like in a white bikini top like cooking serenade food and he'd be like skyping me he's like I gotta go because she cooked I'm like

okay I'm cool with that like and also the fact that you're doing this long-distance relationship and you never know if you're going to see the person again. It's like, I could really, I really faked it till I made it. Cause I was like, I could be whoever I want. We're never going to see each other. So he was like, I love how honest you are and how comfortable you are with yourself. I'm like, uh-huh. That's who I am. That's just who I am. Why would I be anyone else? Well, I feel like a lot of women are like, well, I'll just adapt

to what he likes. I now like sports because my boyfriend likes sports, which is like, yeah, but why would you want to go through life fucking pretending? Oh, it's exhausting. They think they don't have to do it forever. And then you're like 11 years in and you're not as cute as you were before.

Or you're not as you don't have the same friends or whatever the fuck. Or you don't get wet anymore. And all of a sudden it's just like you just have like a fucking fried green tomatoes moment where you're just like Kathy Bates running into a fucking car in a fucking parking lot of like, I don't know. What's Publix? I don't know what's in the South. Winn-Dixie. Yeah, Winn-Dixie. Piggly Wiggly. Piggly Wiggly. Fried green tomatoes. But yeah, man, I think before that shit happens, it's so much better to yell about who you are, at least who you want to be. Like, I'm all about fruition because I'm just like, I'm not there yet, but this is where we want to be.

Like, for me, I want to be Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa wrapped up in a fucking silky gown, ready to be a cool ass parent. I think you've already achieved that. Oh my, that's why I love you. I love you. Wait, did you meet husband in Amsterdam or here? Oh, I met him in Brooklyn, here. Have you ever been to Bembe?

No, what's Bembe? Oh my god, girl, it's in the budget. It's real cute. It's in Williamsburg and it's this cute place. Oh man cute it's in williamsburg and it's this cute place oh man when cute places will be open again um it is free seven nights of the week it's cool um world music sometimes live music if you want to go get spun by like an african dude or a Spanish dude or like an Arabic motherfucker. Like it's, it's people from all over the world,

cash bar only, you know, like overpriced guava drinks. And you're just like, Oh, and then like all of a sudden someone bust out like a fucking drum and a tuba. You're like,

Oh, it's like, like linen tank tops. There's a bit of stench, but you're into it you're like you had garlic today it's great everyone's just like it's like the ultimate like fucking do-si-do so you met him at a discotheque for lack of a better word and then you had a one-night stand he goes back to amsterdam he keeps in touch and then how long were you long this i don't know how long were you long

distance but before he moved to new york and you like started your relationship oh well he would he like truly tried to date me um over social media And we didn't even like have Facebook yet. So he would call, he would Skype. He would send me these emails every morning when I woke up and the subject would be song of the day. And he's like, I saw this song.

I thought of you. It was like Roy Ayers. Love will bring us together. Like it was everybody loves the sunshine. Like it was, he Ayers Love Will Bring Us Together everybody loves the sunshine like it was he was real romantic he fucking wooed you he wooed a bitch

he wooed a bitch and then in June he sent me this video that he made he took an actual camera on his bike and he was like this is my favorite bike route. This is my favorite sandwich shop. This is my photo studio because he's a photographer.

He's like, this is my apartment and my cat. So, you know, you know, I'm not Dexter Morgan because he was like, can you come see me? Because he was doing a photo shoot and a cop ran over his foot. The streets in Amsterdam are real teeny tiny, especially the cute ones. And so like, he's the type of photographer who will like scale a wall to get the good shot. And this cop, I guess they try to make their turns all the time, people in Holland,

and ran over his foot, broke his ankle. He was out of work and then had time to woo me now that i'm like going back through the story i'm just like and um so he made this like beautiful video and i showed all my friends i was like eric andre is he crazy am i crazy what is he a good i showed all my friends this video and they were all like oh oh and like one person was like he probably wants a green card i'm like get out of my step because he's in the better country and i was like this is such a beautiful thoughtful video and i said okay before i was like i take trips to meet boys not to like go see them. And I was like, what a dumb hoe. And he was like,

well, I would really appreciate it if you can come see me. Cause you know, I can't afford to come out there with my foot and like all the jobs I've lost. And so I booked a ticket out there and I brought my best friend who is a very attractive male model and we've been besties since seventh grade and i said okay if he's cool rashi and he's not you know um intimidated by me having a best friend that's a guy then this is the dude and the minute we came off the plane he hugged rashi he was like hello brother and then my dick jumped and i was like, this is family. And Rashim is the godfather of our daughter. So, yeah, we had a dope time. Yeah, it's it was scary, though.

I really like put myself out there like she and I also got a hotel. So I was like, I don't know this motherfucker. But I didn't spend one night in a hotel. Rashim got his he got his swerve on. I don't think you are a dumb hoe. I think you are a smart hoe. Thank you. Honestly, so fucking cute

that he like did the work. He was like so fucking far away, but did the work. Also that video of him being like, I want you to know about me and my life is like, I'm opening the door, inviting you in. It is so fucking vulnerable because you could have never responded or just been like, I don't fucking care about your bike route. But oh, God, that's so fucking sweet.

I love who's been. Thank you so much. I love him, too. People talk about money in the account, what kind of car they're driving, what kind of ring they're going to get. People just, for me, I feel like we are just really stuck on the wrong things. And that is just fucking because of advertising. You know what I mean? It's just like a terrible fucking rumor. Like women aren't funny. It's like, nah, we strong as fuck. We develop faster. We cute as fuck. It's like, if you really want to get into gender roles, let's fucking talk about it. But I feel like the fact that everyone's like, do they have money? Do they have a diamond? Blah, blah, blah. It's like the person you are and the things that you're doing and the things that you have this year, you're not going to be the same person next year.

You like have to definitely invest in someone. Anyways. Well, I think he was a good investment. How long have you guys been together? 12. Yeah. Oh my God.

A dozen years. Yes. Yes. A dozen. That's such a long time. And i love that when you guys are together there is no love lost like you guys truly have like such a nice love that i aspire to have because it's easy like you got the way you communicate is so fucking easy it It's supposed to be easy. Like, why are people out here trying to be like, everyone loves Raymond?

It's supposed to be easy. Do you know what I mean? Like, why does it have to be a fucking conversation? It's like, whether you want to talk about it or not, like, they should just get you. Like, I mean, your best friend is supposed to fucking understand. How are you going to put your face in someone's crotch if it's not working?

I mean, I think about that a lot when I suck dicks of people that belong to people I don't like. I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm sucking this dick. But you know what? Maybe it'll get better. And that's an awful mindset to have. It is. It's like a cold mozzarella stick. Oh, it's like familiar in that you're like, this is what I like, but I don't like it like this. Yes, correct.

Terrible at examples. No, it's a good example because a cold mozzarella stick is honestly, truly very upsetting. And it's shocking because it looks like it's hot you pick it up you're like okay cool to the touch and then you bite it you're like this isn't it this is nothing i wanted like is this glue this is horrible this is horrible we have to take a break and we're back okay tell me about your hoe phase how long did that last your one night stand phase oh i want to say um six to seven years i truly thought you were going to say months. Oh, no. So fucking wild. I love it.

Six to seven years. Yeah, years. I mean, there were some relationships in my head, but definitely not for real. And I really couldn't orgasm unless I didn't know you. Like I was so in my head and I'm just like, this is who I am. I'm too long foo.

And then Julie Newmar showed up. Just kidding. But yeah, so it was really nice that I met my husband through that process. But also, you know, I grew up very Catholic and it was nice to break out of that for a little while in my 20s when I was sort of paying my own bills and can make my own decisions and i'm still learning my relationship with alcohol sure but out of that definitely owning my sexuality and not apologizing for shit like yeah be sloppy it's okay we all fucking do shit it's like fine yeah i am i fully embraced that i'm a sloppy lady who will probably never have it all together. That's just not the way my brain works.

And I've fully accepted it. I've accepted my body. I feel I wish I could go back in time until like 18 year old Nicole. You're fine. You're literally fucking OK. Just like get into some therapy. Maybe now get on some ADHD medication. Maybe now.

Yeah. But like, it's okay. You're fine. Yeah. It's funny because I feel like you can compartmentalize. Ooh, that word was so hard. It was a compound word, but she pushed through. Compartmentalized, honey.

I believed in myself. And, you know, where it's like, you know, I'm going to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to party. I'm going to party. I'm going to have fun. Like you do it and you do it to the fullest.

And if you don't want to do it, you're like, I'm good. it and you do it to the fullest. And if you don't want to do it, you're like, I'm good. Like it, it is a, um, again, it's, it's, I love a responsible, messy, fun, organized situation. And I feel like that's what you got going on, you know? Thank you. And that's great. That's a beautiful ass place because it's like, you, you, you can kind of do it all right like you can you understand empathy right you're not wolf of wall street no and i feel the same way about you i feel like you are like a beautiful free spirit who works so hard you're one of the hardest fucking working people i have ever met coming from you no i mean 2019 was your fucking year girl oh baby what a fucking treat it was a treat to see you all over fucking netflix i was like what a dream come true my michelle is all over my tv oh my god people

gonna lose their mind when they hear this because they think we're the same person. They do. People keep being like, are you the host of The Circle? And I was like, nope, that is my friend Michelle Buteau. Also, someone tweeted. Someone was like, I love seeing Nicole Byer all over Netflix. So then I tweeted a picture of you and was like, this is Michelle. Michelle is the person you've been seeing, not me.

And she said, are you sure? And I said, I almost responded. Michelle is coffee heavy with milk. I am coffee with a splash of milk. You want to break it down? Then something gets involved and something's like, OK, this is what a flat a flat white is it's like what the fuck is wrong with people and now desiree birch is um narrating too hard to handle oh yes too hard to handle yes that's other um aki something or the other yes i don't remember her name but yeah it's just like sassy black women who like enjoy life everyone's like it must be the

one person it is just meanwhile it's so it's like google's a friend my friend you could google that meanwhile monique's like fuck these motherfuckers but no i'm sure monique has love for everyone but um that's so funny i also saw that someone was like, get Michelle canceled from, I guess, the circle. They want to start a petition to get me fired and get you hired to host the circle.

I saw that and I said, this is not nice. My friend hosts that. Like, I'm like, you think I'm going to see that and go, yeah, let's take money out of my friend's pocket

so i can have the money get real no it's her fucking job what is wrong with p also i'm just like during a pandemic that's what you want to do you don't want to bake bread or make banana muffins like this is what you're gonna do no i just want to be fucking rude. Today, someone tweeted at me, I have to constantly remind myself that Lizzo and Nicole Byer are two different people. And I was like, you have to... One of us sings. One of us is a comic. They're so separate.

That's so motherfucking ignorant. I mean, anything, I guess guess would be better than raven just kidding she's great you should have her on do you get that a lot raven simone raven simone kim coles um yeah kim whitfield it's so funny because you're all very different ages like truly can you imagine very different ages i know do you know who yola is she's a english country singer no she is fucking incredible and i can't wait for more people to know who she is but she is a big black woman and i I was like, I can't wait till she gets added to the mixture of confusion. Oh, my. Welcome to the club.

Welcome to the club. I miss too much. It is because I was like, because I've been watching Star Wars for this other podcast I do. And I was like, the girl in Force Awakens and then the girl in the back three trilogies. That's the same girl. They're the same white woman. And people keep being like, no, that's a Daisy Ridley.

And then the other ones are somebody else. And I was like, but they're the same. Same. Same. How could we get to the difference between these two? Oh, my God. It's crazy. Ever since Guy Code, like ever since like 2012 or 13, everyone's like, I love you on Guy Code.

You are so funny. I so funny my thank you so much and then my house is like what's that i'm like a show i've never been on my friends on this i also sometimes will just say thank you unless i know it's specifically a friend if it's like you dulce uh well raven goodwin's not like a friend but like i know her or like uh amber riley i'm like no i'll just tell you that that's not me a friend but like I know her or like uh Amber Riley I'm like no I'll just tell you that that's not me that it's one of these fucking people oh the black lady sketch show fuck that sketch she did was so fucking good it made me laugh so hard it was so fucking good it like when I read it I was like oh my god Ashley Nicole Black you are so smart and funny this is this

and it like it was layered if you haven't watched it get to HBO go and watch it I'm not telling you about it um I watched it on a plane oh you remember plane yeah you remember planes um yes they they go in the water and they go fast oh my god i hope not oh yeah that's terrible they stay in the sky that's where they are i know what a plane is so you had your twins can i ask about uh oh my god yeah okay okay so you had twins via a surrogate yes and may i ask how what like did what is the relationship between like a the mom and a surrogate you know it's interesting well thanks for saying mom because a lot of people call the surrogate the mom and she's not the mom she's the carrier yes exactly and so i get that well thank you so much because the nurses in the hospital didn't get it they're like how's the mom doing i'm like right here and i'm tired um it's too much but um it is one of those wonderfully wild strange

um relationships because a lot of people think you do it because you have a lot of money no it's just that you know the key to happiness for some reason is just very expensive in this country. Everything is a goddamn luxury when you actually want to do something. And people think, oh, you do it because you want to keep your girlish figure. It's like, bitch, I never had a girlish figure. Like I was a size 12 when I was 12. Next. You know, you're really at like the end of the road of whatever fucking crazy journey you've had to try and get

pregnant. And I know that everybody doesn't want to have a kid. And I know that a lot of people are like, why don't you adopt? And like, that's fine. I get that. And I actually tried to adopt from third world countries, but I was denied trying to adopt as well because I found out like after many layers into our application that you can't adopt if you're still trying to have your own kid. I'm just like, what does it matter as long as you're trying to give someone a home? That's the wildest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. So you're trying to have your own child. They won't let you adopt. Correct. Is it because they I don't know. You don't know the answer. That's so fucking weird. I don't know the answer either. And I was too exhausted to sort of fight it.

You know what I mean? Like, I'm not Olivia Pope or Erin Brockovich. I'm Michelle Buteau. And I like at least 8.5 hours. And it's like, I have so much shahs of sunset to catch up on. So, yeah, I mean, it's, it's, these women, they're just like walking angels who are just like, you know, I want to help you have a family. And, yeah, they're just like these these vessels of kindness. And so you really get to decide what your relationship is.

I know a lot of people, they're like, we talk to our surrogate all the time. She's our family. And it's not really like that for us. Although like she is for me feels like extended family because she helped us with their family. But I think I texted her maybe like once a month on the 19th because they were born on the 19th. I'm just like, now they're 13 months. Yeah. And her family's like so sweet and like prayed over the babies and just like couldn't have been nicer and kinder. And I think, you know, it's so easy for us to get like some sort of story in our head of like, this is gross and people are using these women for money. It's like, no, they find being pregnant euphoric and also helping people. There are good people who just want to help other people.

people there are good people who just want to help other people I think that's a concept that a lot of people don't understand that like there are some people in the world who are like I will do this selfless thing for somebody and I don't need the thing that I get from it is seeing somebody else happy my mom we would go through the drive-thru at McDonald's and she would pay for the person behind us and she would just drive away she like she didn't care for the person to say thank you or anything and she couponed a lot and if she like couldn't like sometimes you could triple the coupon but sometimes they would advertise that and then you couldn't do it so she would like look in people's carts and give out coupons to people that she couldn't use herself because she knew they were expiring.

Or she would like she would just she like had cards. She would buy cards that she liked and they were all in this like filing cabinet. So it was like birthdays, anniversaries, death, congratulations, thank you cards. And she just had them at the ready. congratulations, thank you cards. And she just had them at the ready. And if somebody told her that somebody was like graduating from nursing school, she would like scurry upstairs, write them a card,

figure out their address and send it to them. Because just like doing things like that made her, I think, happy and fulfilled her. That's a special kind of person, you know? And I'm so glad those people exist because not only are they walking angels they're walking examples of sunshine that you know we all need to follow i mean it's like can we be as good as your mom probably not honestly i find it so hard she was a very conscientious person of people and their feelings and stuff. And I tried to be, but it is work to be so selfless. Yeah. Yeah. For me, it feels like work. I know a lot of people find it easy and good for them. And I applaud them and I have my moments, but I think, you know, for me, the biggest thing is take care of yourself,

learn how to take care of yourself and then take care of other people, but still take care of it. And so, you know, um, I have to stop sometimes and say, well, damn, I'm okay. So, oh, I hear baby girl crying. Do you want to go get her? No, my husband can get her. OK. Well, he'll just let her cry. Are you doing sleep training? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Sleep training is hard. It's hard as fuck. I didn't we hadn't done it before the quarantine.

But because, you know, I'm on the road a lot and then I'm home and i'm just like well this is my time to hold them and i think they just are doing it because i'm home but now i'm like oh no oh no bobos i'm giving you 6 a.m to 7 15 p.m all day long i cannot sing the alphabets anymore thank god they like prince because I'm just like, we got to listen to something else. Oh, that's fucking adorable that they like Prince. I love it. Yeah, it's cute. When I nannied, I had to sleep train. And the way they told me to sleep train was he goes down for a nap.

You close the door. He cries. You let him cry. He'll tucker himself out and he'll go to sleep but like i couldn't do it because i was like he he's so he's so he's sad he's scared i don't know so i would like open the door and be like hello i'm here oh hello and then he would quiet down and then i would stay there till he fell asleep and i would close the door and it just it it like happened less and less but like I never told the parents that I was cheating it's hard it really

so hard there's like a part there's like this documentary on Netflix about um a person's brain that reacts to a crying baby and you know some people are like i have to do something other people are just like yeah it's good damn right and it's like you don't know yeah it's it's hard i'm gonna ask you something because i don't know it how did you get into comedy oh my god really i have no idea i just because you were so established by the time I had started that I was just like, Michelle's been doing comedy since she fell out of her mom's pussy. I fucking wish I would have been so rich. In fact, I wanted to what I want to do. I want to be like in a pageant or probably act when I was younger. My mom's like, that's not a real job or some shit. And now, now I'm just like, yeah. Okay. You could have been flying private, motherfucker. No, take your shoes off. Yes. And get in line. And yes. But anyways, so I want to be a journalist

in college. And I went to college in miami and we were going around the class one day for this like tv production class that i had to take and then the professor wanted to know what we wanted to be and what we wanted to do with our degree and i was like i want to be a journalist and entertainment reporter actually and um he just flat out told me this cuban uh professor that i was too fat to be on camera. Oh, my God. And yeah, I was like, hella embarrassed, embarrassed. And I felt did he embarrass you in front of the whole class? He did. But it was so as a matter of fact, that I was like, OK. And I was also taught not to question authority and to respect my elders.

was like okay and i was also taught not to question authority and to respect my elders so i was like okay um and you know i wasn't this what i didn't have a camera on my phone i didn't have like a hashtag or like a walkout like there was none of that in 1995 or 1996 it was like all right and and plus i didn't see anyone like me on TV anyways. I was in Miami. Everyone looked like fucking Sofia Vergara or like one of the pouch. And they're like, but I'm Cuban. I'm like, this is confusing. Like little skinny white girls from Cuba. And so I was like, I'm definitely behind the camera, but I wanted a job that felt different every day and creative. And so I got into news editing and producing and field directing and, um, field producing. And so when I went to New York, went back to New York, I worked at WNBC,

my, um, my coworkers were just like proper drunks, like, you know, like a New York staff that like goes to the pub afterwards and just like drinks their face off and goes back to work the next day. I was like, my people. I know. Right. They're like, you're so funny. You should do comedy. I'm like, oh, please. That's crazy. And I would end up going to a couple of shows and people would just be it was always men just like, yeah, this is how I jerk off. And my dick needs to get sucked. And I'm so broke. And I'm like, this is how I jerk off. And my dick needs to get sucked and I'm so broke. And I'm like, this is sad as fuck.

And I'm good. These people seem sad and I'm happy. And I like money. And all these motherfuckers suck while being broke. And so I would write like emails, just like little anecdotes about my roommate

who had an all white cat named Cocaine and like just like weird, wild shit, like getting gum stuck on someone's dick. And I'd be like, ice doesn't get it out. And people were like forwarding it to other people and be like, this is funny. So people were like, oh, these stories are funny. And then, I mean, truth Tori, 9-11 happened. And I was like, oh, well, I had been interested in taking a stand-up class anyways. So, and the news director was just like, well, we're offering therapy. I'm like, I don't need it.

I'm going to do stand-up. I should have taken the fucking therapy. And I just started, I took a class into stand-up. We're offering therapy. I don't want to, I'm going to I took a class into stand up. We're offering therapy. I don't want to take a stand up class. I mean, I was batshit crazy. Like, no wonder nobody wants to date me. I was like editing the worst thing in the fucking world.

I'm just like, I should try jokes. Yeah. So the end of 2001 is when I started. And that's kind of how I started because people told me I should honestly maybe my favorite getting into comedy story 9-11 happened I know it's it's like not okay it's like not okay so fucking funny what a dream you're like a national tragedy I must go tell jokes on stage. It was crazy because I would like sit in this little edit bay with no window and I'd always be like, I am too cute not to have a goddamn window. So I'd have like pictures of sun

and beaches. And I hated that people just walked up on me from the back and editing for people who were just like four seconds of this, three seconds of that. I'm like, it's a house fire. Calm your ass down. No one's watching this. No one's watching it for the editing content. They're like, there were eight seconds of that house fire when it should have been four. Exactly.

Thank you so much. I wish you were my writer. You said that you were a size 12 by 12, which I know was a throwaway but like you've been a how do you describe yourself do you what do you say plus size voluptuous i call myself fat because i don't fucking care you know it changes i used to say problem areas but i'm like no they're human areas i say thick you know it really depends what country i'm in though because i'm in holland i'm fat as fuck they're like you can't run and skip and jump on a bike like a fucking fat frog.

They get fat. You can't run and skip. These motherfuckers be running and skipping on a bike. I was like, you're doing too much. You long ass legs. That's why y'all motherfuckers inbred. Stop. Yeah, I see thick plus size, big titty committee.

But like, you you know it changes did you find that being part of the big t at the time, you were supposed to be apologetic for your body if it wasn't like a Jennifer Aniston type situation and or even gabrielle union it was like if you can't wear a bikini and look like everybody else then you should be thankful somebody wants to stick their dick in your mouth and i'm like oh no no i like this and you should be thankful that i'm gonna sit on your face bitch but that didn't always work and it would work like behind closed doors after like 17 drinks but then like not in front of people and i'm just like well i'm not trying to live my life like an episode of friday night lights you know what i mean like we gotta be out here just proud of ourselves like what do you mean like shame that's what going home is for i don't need this yeah i don't need

the shame while i'm trying to fuck you i'll have the shame the next day when I'm wearing a sequined dress on the subway at 7 a.m. where people are like, I work for a living. I'm finding that like I for a minute, I kept sleeping with guys who were like who had never fucked a fat girl before. And the only reason why I know that is because only a couple of them would just flat out say it but like they don't want to touch your fat like they're scared to like they'll touch like the side but i'm like fucking grip the meat it's fucking there it's easier for you to pull onto it um or they come very quickly because they're not used to all that ass yeah that part too they're like well this is a

warm ass turkey sandwich with melted cheese and no one told me about the footlong do i get chips i mean yeah it's weird and the whole like i the the whole like i don't know if you've gotten this i have never been attracted to someone your size before that not a compliment yeah that not a compliment no it's not you know that's that's the inside thought that you could keep to yourself nobody needs to hear that yeah that's like a fart you need to go in the other room and have it and come back and be part of society and then on the flip side you get dudes who are like oh i fucking love all of your body and you're like okay you didn't have to say all you just say i like this uh you could say you're sexy you don't you don't have to be like i like all of this real estate you a duplex i know and then

it turns into like the whole people you feel like a fetish. And it's just like, yeah, OK, thank you so much. But what about the real me? I mean, it's too much. Do you like my personality? I tried fat specific dating apps and they were all filled with Dominican men who like lived in Pasadena who were like, oh, I could just slide a finger in between a roll. And I'm like, slide a finger. What do you, what do you think's in there? Crumbs? Probably. But you can't have them there for later. Oh, my whole body is like a Hawaiian bun, like those little king buns just soft and sweet i mean yeah it's that it's it's such a weird

combination of like yeah i want you to accept me and enjoy me but don't be gross about it you fat king with gout like it's too much yeah because like i can't imagine a thin woman has ever been fucked where a dude like touches her like protruding hip and is like, man, I fucking love these bones. Like, I don't think that happens to thin people. I mean, I could be wrong. Let me know. Girl, I don't know. No, I don't know. I don't really know anyone that's had sex.

Not blackout drunk, just kidding. Married people really don't talk about sex anymore. I realized that even I've never met so many, and I guess when I say I've never met so many married people, I guess a lot of married people are in open relationships and go swing and like step outside and do stuff like that. And so they'll be open about doing that but like not get into details and stuff so you know i do miss the the the chit chat the camaraderie of just like oh man my booty hole like no more fingers you know what i mean but like no more fingers ah my booty hole no more fingers that really made me laugh i really liked it what a dream

no stuff is rough anxiety is real it all comes out one hole sometimes but the point is the point is i think that if and it's taken me like maybe over 20 years to kind of wrap my mind around this. If we just sort of look at each other like we're souls, just souls walking around who want to be loved, who want to lust, who want to whatever the fuck. want to be loved, who want to lust, who want to whatever the fuck, then it'd be so much easier than like, you know, oh, look at this top heavy bitch. Or can you lift your gut up so I can see your pussy? I'm sorry. I'm not used to this.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, like, like, oh, I have a fat chick. I have a this chick. Like, why can't we just be people who just want to get it in? Mm hmm. I agree. Can't we just be people who just want to get it in? Mm hmm.

I agree. I'm just a girl standing in front of any old person asking to suck what they got. Are you do you like the suck? Sucking? I'll suck anything. Yeah. Good for you. I don't want to suck.

Are you afraid of getting cold sores? Um, honestly, the thought never crossed my mind until right now. I do try to, you know, suss out somebody. Like, you got to look clean. I won't fuck you if you got dirty fingernails. That's just, I can't do that. If your fingernails aren't kept, that means you probably aren't keeping it fresh down there um and i've only like sucked one dick that was bad oh my dogs are barking and i don't mean my feet my actual dogs are barking no your dogs are agreeing with you about that one yes yes he was a he was an australian man and I put his dick in my mouth, and it truly tasted like poison.

I was like, I don't know. This is not good. This is not good for me. I tried to hook up with an Australian dude, too, and he took his shirt off, and every layer of my eyes started to water. And I was like, what are you not doing? Do you like yourself?

And he looked like a Hemsworth. And I'm just like, this is'm just like this this one was so hot too with a poison dick you know shout out to your australian fans but you know that whole place is full of well the originate where england sent the the prisoners yes they an island full of prisoners but i'm very appreciative of all of my australian listeners i like them very very much you are very kind yes i'm coming there hopefully in january oh i don't know you will have you like been rescheduling your tours and stuff how have you been dealing with yeah work and touring and shit it's crazy everything is like taking a pause for the cause but you know i'm i'm realizing that it's just bigger than me

obviously so i'm just like yeah whenever people feel safe because i was doing a travel show and a parenting show and those two things are like very personal so um i'm I'm fine to take a break because the world will always be there. Are you writing material about this? No, no, no, no, no. Because everything I've written is, I don't know if there isn't like a hot take. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like I have my hot takes about, you know, fucking a fat woman because I am a fat woman. But it's like we're all going through this. I don't know what is unique about my situation. Are two people are people offended when when they hear you call yourself fat? Yes. Yeah. Like they get offended on my behalf because so I in my stand up would be like, I'm a fat woman and people literally out loud would go, you're not fat. You're beautiful.

And and I was like, what the fuck is happening? And I like racked my brain and I just posted an Instagram where I'm wearing a bikini and my butt is juicy. And I was like, very fat, very brave. My little hashtag that I love. And someone was like, you're not fat. And I was like, girl, what are you looking at? If yes, I'm very I'm a very fat woman. I am, if you want to say categorically morbidly obese, but that doesn't negate the fact that I think I'm stunning. I wouldn't have posted the picture if I didn't think I looked good. I don't think posted the picture if I didn't think I looked good.

I don't think fat is an insult. I just, it's just something you fucking have. And I wish more people would just embrace it. Like, it's like when someone fucking calls you fat, they didn't tell you something you didn't know. Like, why can't we be fat and beautiful?

I don't know. Fat and fuckable. Fat and fuckable. Ooh, I like that. Hi, I'm Nicole. I'm fat and fuckable. We're fuck like that. Hi, I'm Nicole. I'm fat and fuckable.

We're fuckable and fat. Look, either way. Either way, it's juicy as fuck. It's a tenderoni. It's juicy. Yes, and it comes with some dipping sauces. Yeah, that part. Yeah, because a lot of, like, improv lines that have made it into things that I've done, like, like someone great.

I say, well, like before and after pictures to Gina Rodriguez and people got hella offended and they were just like, oh, why would you say that? And it's just like, because it's true. And then, yeah, it's like, I don't know why. And it's like, you didn't say which one was the before also let me say what the fuck i want to say do you know what i mean like there are way other things and subjects and things that you should be way more offended about that you should be working on than this little improv line but then also you just you were like it's a before and after picture it's not like you said it's a before and after picture it's not like you said it's a

before and after picture where you're beautiful and i'm dog shit i'm gonna kill myself and jump in front of this fucking train goodbye oh that got so dark i love that so much thank you like you could have loved it at dog shit but you just had a whole other fucking scenario i love to end things by saying i'm going to walk in front of something moving a train a car a motorcycle yeah I called myself the fat Megan Markle and always be my maybe and people got so offended I'll sit how is that not true like let me let me be me, bitch. Yeah, I think people just want to get upset over something. And then when they get upset on your behalf, they feel even more indignant or like righteous about it. But it's like, bitch, I didn't say nothing that I'm not OK with.

Yeah. You know, the. Is baby girl crying again? I think it's baby boy now. is baby girl crying again? I think it's baby boy now. The nuance of the entitlement is like true on this level where I'm just like, you know,

just realize that you're not helping anyone and you're just starting shit that doesn't need to be started. I think I have to go. That's fine. We can truly end. Okay. I am so sorry.

No, no. Real quick. Do you have anything you want to promote or no? Yeah. I have a book coming out. I didn't know that. Congrats. Thank you. I mean, I haven't announced it yet, but I'm supposed to announce it in three Fridays. It's called Survival of the Thickest.

And they're just funny, short, real raw essays about what life has been like um and my netflix special will be coming out at the end of the summer and that's going to be called welcome to utopia yes you stupid bitch that's such a good title i fucking love it. That's such a good title. I love you so much. By the way, my shit still smells like beef from the time we went to Miami a year ago. Okay. I love you.

Bye. Tell the babies I love them. I love you. Thank you so much. And I really hope that we can do this travel show. I hope so too. Hopefully the world will be better soon. Okay.

Take care of the babies. Bye. I love you. Bye. Okay. So that's that episode. Michelle had to go. She had to take care of them babies. Honestly, they're the cutest babies in the whole wide world and I love them. But if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it. You can subscribe on iTunes. If you leave me a nasty, come on hitting on me, I will read it. This person slid into my DMs to say, Nicole, I'm a fuck you so hard. You're going to be tight butt walking like C3PO just to keep that asshole in. So this nice person wants to prolapse my asshole. And

this person just put up straight up in the comments on my Instagram. I want to cook you chili naked and let and let me pour it slowly down your ass crack while I eat you out. Let's make that Frito pie with that pussy. Love you with a heart and stars. That's it. Okay. Thank you. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.