Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Emojis are a Red Flag (w/ Whitney Cummings)

Episode Date: December 13, 2019

"We're taught to laugh at guys' jokes that aren't funny so they don't feel insecure."Whitney Cummings (stand-up, creator of Two Broke Girls) explains why she likes to be the beta in her relationship, what's it like living with a sex doll of herself, and why emojis are a red flag for her. She also gives Nicole tips how to manage rowdy audience members at live shows and discuss why we shouldn't encourage bad jokes from men.Nicole shares the difference between dating improvisers and comedians.Check out Whitney's new podcast: Good for You Whitney Cummings. You can watch Nicole's episode here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVbfBPkuQww

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if I fly back from a long weekend of doing shows and you say you're going to pick me up and then you don't, I'll just take a lift and pretend like it never happened when we get home.

My guest today, you know her, you love her. She created two broke girls, had her own show Whitney. You've had four hour specials? Five specials? Four hour long specials. Don't forget that I was on Roseanne. I want everyone to know about

that. You wrote on Roseanne and you were on Roseanne? No. I EP'd Roseanne. Yes. Before she went cray cray I mean it seems like she went cray cray way before I just didn't really know

We all knew I guess on some level like didn't it when you started comedy it was sort of like you heard the stories and I think that it I mean if this you don't have to talk about this if this is boring. No. Okay.

But I should say your name. You're winning, Chloe. I mean, small detail. Yeah, I don't know. It seems like the timeline is very blurry. The weirdest part about the whole thing is that I wasn't following her on Twitter. I probably should have been. the weirdest part about the whole thing is that I wasn't following her on Twitter I probably should have been because apparently there were some sort of uh sketchy tweets a couple years ago

but I think that it's weird because it seems like the and I don't like to use the word crazy about women I genuinely don't don't like that word very much because there's also like mentally ill oh yeah and crazy get conflated sometimes And I think we throw the word crazy at women a lot. Psycho, thrown a whore. It's in that all under the same umbrella. Um, I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was, uh, I think that when you hear someone's crazy for so long, for some reason I get on, I'm like, well, okay. She was a woman in the nineties. Yeah. And that shit's hard. Chicken and egg.

Because I heard all these stories about like, you know, how she would, like she wouldn't say this line and you know, she wouldn't say a line, the writers aren't, I'm like, I've been in that situation where I'm not Roseanne and I was never as famous as Roseanne and I think she's one of the funniest people.

Like she was probably just the, she had been doing standup for 20 years, was the funniest person in the room and she was probably getting corny jokes and didn't want to say them and then also writers don't seem to understand a lot of the time it's my face that's correct I'm the one saying it that's correct yes you have a writing credit but it's me who's associated with this line that maybe isn't funny or might be slightly offensive or whatever correct and yeah so people don't walk down the street and go Nicole Nicole, I know you didn't write that. That one thing.

They think that you wrote it, produced it, directed it, set decorated it, wardrobe it because it's your name. Because they'll be like, why is this happening? You're like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And everyone's in a rush and they want you to say the line. And, you know, I think her especially, she's very specific about not emasculating Dan

too much. She also didn't want to self deprecate too much. Like she wanted to be in control of her image and she didn't want to do fat jokes. And she, you know, so I sort of was like, well, maybe she was in a situation where, you know, at a time where all women were called crazy, if they had any kind of boundaries or self-respect or dignity, but. But then she was also using, you know? So it's also, I think that, you know, we've talked about this before. Like, I have so much drug addiction in my family, I try not to hold people accountable for their behavior when they're doing eight balls.

Yeah. Yeah. And then it's funny that you talk about, like, all the shit she had to go through. And I was like, yeah, maybe she hit a breaking point. I keep wondering when I'm going to break because people really love to yell at me during shows. Does that happen to you at all?

I feel, I've given this thought, actually, because I obviously follow you on Twitter, I listen to your podcast, you know, I'm just a fan, frankly. Oh, you da biz. And I have questions about this. And this is not a but you were wearing a miniskirt do you talk like what what do you what happens when they yell at you so this weekend was

a pretty good example of like what i usually do so i was at uh the parks casino in bensalem pennsylvania great venue great room I had a blast and this girl yelled something at me and I don't remember oh it was something I said I wanted a boyfriend she was like take mine and I was like oh you're just you came to a show to give away your man or whatever and she was like yeah also we're going to

Mexico let's go on vacation I was like what is happening and then I finally was like we wrapped up the interruption and it was fine. And then she DM'd me later and she said, all I really wanted was for you to roast me. What a perfect show. People think they want you to roast them.

I get this all the time. Roast me, roast me. No, I will destroy your perception of yourself forever. You want me to roast you on your terms and say the things you want me to say? It's like cute, fun, and nice. And at one point she did look like she was going to cry. And I was like, are you going to cry? Because I don't care.

If you do, I don't. I will not care. And then so I DM'd her back. And I was like, so you interrupted my show on purpose to get a response from me. That's really gross. And then she apologized. And then I didn't answer because I was like, oh, I hate this. And then I was in New York the next day.

And I was starting a joke about how I broke a toilet. And I was like, I injured myself in Chicago. And this girl yelled at me on the pole. And I said, what? She was like, we see you pole dancing, girl. And I was like, no, I didn't. Do you want attention? Okay, let's give it to you.

And then midway through her starting to answer one of my questions, I was like, you know what? I don't care. I don't like you. I fundamentally really don't like you. And I was like, you can go. So I asked her to leave. And then the audience did chant at her to get up and go.

Yeah, that happens a lot now. I feel like it was like it didn't feel great to have a whole audience chanting at this woman. But I was like, at least these people are on my side that you were being you were interrupting. Yeah. And then on Twitter, someone was like, she didn't deserve that embarrassment. I was like, OK, so there's there's no winning. There's if you I'm hearing a couple of things. I'm hearing that people love you and know your work.

Yes. This is great news. Very kind. Very kind. These are people that know you inside and out. Because I was thinking about it. Because I used to do the roast a lot. And I had to stop.

And I'm always tempted to go back. And I'm sure I will at some point if it's someone I know. Or that woman. If we end up getting her a Comedy Central roast. Because that's what she wants. Yes, that's all she wants getting her a Comedy Central roast, cause that's what she wants. Yes. That's all she wants.

I think Comedy Central would love to have her be the roast. The roast is Sophia from Benton, Salem, Pennsylvania. The numbers speak for themselves. I, um, I, I, cause I see you tweeting about it and I'm kind of, I kind of was like, I wonder if people, because she tweets about it, are doing it more. Because when I did the roast, I would have people like at 2.30 on a Tuesday be like, hey, cunt. And I'd be like, oh, boy. And I'd be like, oh.

And it would go on. And I was like, oh, I think because I do the roast, you guys think you have permission to talk to me this way. Because I would get in arguments with people about it. I'd be like, don't talk to me that way. We're in the food court. It's Denver Airport. It's 2.30. Like, class. And then I was like, oh. And then so I way. We're in the food court. It's Denver airport. It's two 30 like class. And then I was like, Oh, and then, so I had to kind of stop doing the roast and that it's true, but you shouldn't have to change the

way you behave. And in the beginning of the show, I let them yell, nailed it at me or anything else they'd like to yell. And I'm like, this is the time. Yeah. And I say, you don't have to say anything else. Yeah. If you think the nailed it, I'll feel it or whatever. Uh, and then people that just want to engage. So two things have helped me with the, with the yelling out. I don't, I don't get it as much anymore. Cause when someone does it, I engage with them and then stop. And then I make eye contact with them if they keep going. Like, cause there is something very, something very alpha about making eye contact with the person. It's sort of embarrassing.

If they're drunk, there's really nothing you can do. And I always tell the staff ahead of time, if someone, if it's clear I'm done engaging with the person and they speak again, you have to go and tell them that they have to leave if they do it again. So I tell the staff to be on high alert always. But I also will do a, because I think people always try to take photos

during shows now. So I do this whole speech in the beginning that's like, if you want to talk to me, you could do it at the end. If you want to take a picture with me, you can do it at the end. You're going to get everything you want out of this exchange. Because I know seeing me do stand-up is like the fourth thing on your list. I know you want the photo and to yell at me and to give me some like thing you may, like I know that stand-up is the last thing you want to see right now at this standup venue. I know that you have to suffer through these jokes to get to your selfie. I realize this is a punishment for you, but, uh, and I do think podcasts, people feel so close to

us now. So I think sometimes it helps. And Steve-O does this. I think too, he shows a video in the beginning where he says like something like, please don't take photos. Please don't record. Please don't yell at me. Here's why. why it's like a whole I think we just have to start like I mean explaining that it is so crazy yeah to me I love Whoopi Goldberg I went and saw the revival of Whoopi when she did that in like I think 2007 or something and like she got on stage and I almost started crying because I love her so much. I cried the first time I went on The View. But like you wouldn't dream of being disrespectful to this person that you

admire. I don't think people, I'm not defending these monsters. These animals. Sure. But I don't, I truly don't think people are paying money to come see you to hurt your feelings. I think they think you love it. You know, I just think that there's a lack of like basic manners. That's a little bit of an epidemic.

And I think because of social media, because podcasts, people feel so close to you. I mean, people that have listened to your show have spent 80 hours with you. That's my friend, Nicole. You know, so this is the same reason people want to buy your merch and they're going to listen to every episode and they're going to come see you but I just think we have to change the way we change the way we market shows

we change the way we sell tickets we change the way we engage with our audience we also might have to change the way we perform in terms of a little opening in the beginning saying like if you yell at me you do have to go I do a thing where I say you do you just have to go and I do a thing where I say, you just have to go. And it's not personal.

I think I'll start saying that because I think right now it's still like, oh, it's fun. She's being cute about this. It might be in direct communication because they might go, she loves it. I know everything about her. She loves this. Nailed it. Why would you date? That's all the community wants to hear Nailed it. Why would you date? Like, that's all the community

wants to hear is that we're fans, you know? So I have started doing like book signings after, meet and greets after. And then at the very end of the show, I'll do a, like everyone take your camera out. You can take a selfie. Everyone just take a selfie. I'll stay on stage. You'll take a selfie. I'll record your voicemail. I'll do a video for your uncle or, you know, whatever. And I'll spend like 20 minutes on stage kind of trying to talk to as many people as I can. That's great. You know, but I think that you, I tried to do that for a long time too, where I was like, I don't really like this.

Please stop. And people were like, she loves it. She's having the blast. I just had to go like, you can't, we have security. You will be kicked out. And then I think with, I did, I remember in La Jolla, California, San Diego, always a chatty bunch. And there was a woman who wouldn't stop yelling. And, you know, like 10 years ago, I mean, coming up in the commies or 10 years ago, you go like, well, someone put a dick in her mouth and you can kind of yell.

But it feels like kind of ooky now. Yeah. And I'm so grateful that people even give a shit and show up that I eventually I didn't try to be funny about it. I just was like, hey, I'm so sorry. These people paid for tickets. I will pay your bill, but you have to go. And if you want to come back tomorrow night and try again, I will get you tickets for tomorrow night. Oh, that's so kind of you. And it wasn't funny and it totally made things weird and it took a second to get back in the groove. Yeah. But I was like, I don't want to humiliate you either, you know,

because you just humiliated yourself and now I'm the bully. You've done nothing wrong and you're the bully. But I do say, like, I'll pay for your tickets, I'll pay for your meal, and maybe let's try next time. That's nice. I like that. This is all very good advice. But I also, I mean, anyone that like has thoughts on my standup,

I was like, you talk so fast on stage. I'm like, yeah, cause I don't want anyone to yell. I find that happening to me too. I'm just going really, really fast and just hoping, cause I didn't realize till I did a show in, maybe it was Sacramento, how many of my setups are questions because people started answering them.

That's right. But your staff need to be on this. They need to, if someone's yelling out, they need to tap them on the shoulder. So slow about it. No, you have to say something. This is where we have to be bitches and go, hey, if someone is saying anything, and then also your opener should say something too. So I always have my opener say, I mean, Kevin Christie, bless his heart, Benton, Matt Viola. They have to go, don't yell at her.

Don't talk to her. Like they have to do this whole thing. So I remember, yeah, Kevin Christie used to have a really good sort of thing I know you want to yell at her because he used to say that within the first 10 minutes of any show someone either would yell that they love me

or that they needed some money or something people would be like can I have some money like borrow money or something and so he did this whole litany of like

things your opener should say things you should not yell at Nicole like a funny five minute thing to end their set before you, while they're introing you.

This is all very helpful. Not to your fans that are listening. They're like, fuck this bitch. She's silencing us. We're the Nicole army. No, but like when it happens,

a lot of people, when I was in DC, this woman, I was asking a question like who sends dick pics and she raised her hand and was pointing at someone. I was like, Oh, does this man send you dick pics? And she was like, yes. I was like, are you dating asking a question like, who sends dick pics? And she raised her hand and was pointing at someone. I was like, oh, does this man send you dick pics? And she was like, yes. I was like, are you dating?

She was like, no. I was like, okay. And she's like, I went to Malaysia. And I was like, now you're just saying non sequiturs. What is happening? So then I truly spent so much time talking to her. I was like, I need to get to the bottom of this. To the point where the audience was like, ugh.

Move on. I know. I remember one time I was in Wise Guys. Love that club in Salt Lake City, Utah. And there was there are these people like talking, talking, talking. And then I would talk to them to try to get them to stop. And then I was like, you know what? You guys cannot sit together. It was like two couples that, you know, there's always couples that like have to check in after every joke and go, Oh my God, I've done that. Oh my God, you do that. You know? And they, and they, they're just trying to have a good time, but they just, and then I was like,

you know what? You guys are going to be separated. You need to go over here. And the whole left side of the club went, no, no. Like everyone was just like, fuck this. Like people pay good money to come see us. And when you guys heckle, I love you, but when you heckle and you make, there's like people pay good money to come see us. And when you guys heckle, I love you. But when you heckle and you make there's people that have planned months in advance. You got a babysitter. Yeah, they valet. They're spending upwards of I got on a plane. I listened to a set to remember a button.

I yeah, I'm like, I'm doing the work, too. I put on makeup. I put eyeliner on the inside of my bottom lip. Yeah, I tried. Drew on my eyebrows. I combed my hair. I did things to be here. I put on a thong for this.

I shaved my toes. It's just so funny that out of a thousand people, one will be like, I'll be bad. But I don't, I truly, I don't know. I'm so, some days I vacillate. Some days I'm like, everyone's inherently bad. And other days I'm like, everyone don't know. I'm so, some days I vacillate. Some days I'm like, everyone's inherently bad. And other days I'm like, everyone's inherently good. And it does seem insane to me that someone would put on pants, put on their shoes, pay whatever.

When it's all said and done with food, drink. It's expensive. It could be 80 bucks. Yes, a nice night out. On your Friday night, you know, to come and hurt you. You know, like I'm going to go ruin her show. It doesn't hurt me. It just makes me unbelievably angry. And then I hate being angry on a place.

Like I love being on stage and I love attention. Yeah. And I just love performing. And I just I don't like being angry while I'm doing the thing that I love. I have a question about touring. So when you are touring, well, I know you're in a relationship now, yes? Yes. And when you were touring not in a relationship, did you ever have chuckle fuckers?

Ten years. I never had that. I feel like that's the answer most women give. It is so wild to me how repellent a woman talking for 45 minutes to an hour in front of a bunch of people that are paying to see it. I've never had a guy flirt with me after a show. I've never had a guy ask me out. In fact, for the last six years, the guys I've dated, none of them have come and seen me do stand-up. I haven't allowed them to.

I've dated, none of them have come and seen me do stand-up. I haven't allowed them to. The guy I'm with now, he came and saw me perform two years into our relationship at my stand-up special taping was the only time. He sat and he was in the basement, didn't get to be in the audience. Because it's tricky. It's two-pronged. It's number one, I know, I like to be very beta in my relationships. I'm not an alpha in my relationship.

I'm an alpha in my work. I do not want to be an alpha in my relationship. So it's two things. Number one, I don't think the type of guy that I want to date is going to be attracted to me if he sees me do stand up. And I don't know if I want to date someone who's chasing someone who's in the limelight. You know, I, I've had a, I've had, I don't know if this is the same thing as a chuckle fucker per se but I have had guys on dating apps ask me out

pursue me date me that I then realized wanted to get into comedy and that are now I've dated two guys who were in like different careers

dated me and now they're stand-ups and I have to see them at comedy clubs eww a guy yeah that's I'm like did I make it look so easy. All I did is cry and complain about how hard being a stand-up is.

But I don't think people when I complain, I feel like that's only like 10 percent of it. And the other 90 percent is like I travel. I get to see the places. I get to perform to sold out theaters and yeah clubs and I am I'm having the time of my life so I think when you start complaining to like a dude especially yeah he's like I won't have those problems tell me more about the good stuff yeah good stuff's gonna happen I think it's more just the leaving the house at 8 or 9 p.m when most people are

coming home and watching succession we're getting in our cars and going to, you know, make strangers laugh for free. I mean, when you're not touring and when you're performing in town, but I also, if I'm going to be honest, which every now and then I try to be,

um, my, the last couple hours I've toured with have been kind of harsh, not particularly open. Like I'm, you know, I think you're a little more like date me yes you have more of a welcoming yes whereas I've been like fuck you I'm not squirting you know I don't I don't think I'm giving off the vibe a very inviting vibe I don't know I don't

I I think you're rather inviting I think you you're like a person who is no bullshit. And I feel like that's how you present. And I don't think that's not inviting. But also I'm a woman watching this. So I think maybe if a man was like, oh boy, she seems to really hate me. And I don't know if I want to say hello. I think a lot of guys would look at me and be like,

that feels like a lot of work. That feels exhausting. You know, we see her once a year when she comes to town. That's a small doses. That's about. I couldn't possibly. That's the perfect amount of her.

Have you dated many standups? I don't think I've ever dated a comedian really. Oh, you just said that you've only dated dudes who started doing standup after. After, yeah. Who, and it's jokes on

me for laughing at their bad jokes to try to seem warm you know because that's what we're taught we're taught to laugh at guys jokes that aren't funny so that they feel don't feel insecure and then they go well she thinks i'm funny whitney thinks i'm funny i should probably do comedy i should get up on that stage i'm like oh, I was fake laughing so that you didn't feel emasculated. I haven't laughed in 12 years. I'm bad at fake laughing at men, but then I know when I'm doing it. Yeah. And I feel like I seem insane because I'm like, ah-ha-ha-ha.

Ah-ha. Because I'm like, through my brain, I'm like, how did you think that was funny? Why did you say it like that? I could have actually made that funny. I mean, we spend our time with the funniest people in the world. I mean,

we're awful to hang out with. It's like, my non-comedian friends will say things that are pretty funny and I'll just be like, uh-huh, that's funny. And they're like,

our funniest friends still aren't funny to us. Yes. My best, best friend from high school, my friend Nick, he I didn't realize I did this, but I had stopped laughing at things that weren't like uproariously funny. And I would go, oh, that's very funny. So one day I said something. He went, oh, that's very funny.

I was like, oh, why are you being so aggressive? He's like, you don't laugh anymore. You just say things like that. No, I went numb. It's what I do for a living. Yes. It's like, and for me, when I hear something really funny, I'll just, I more just go, ah, fuck, that's funny. And they're like, why are you so upset that I said something funny?

Well, because you're like, why didn't it come out of my mouth? Yeah, well, why didn't I think of it, first of all? And so I do think it makes us particularly, we have to be with people that are very secure. Yes. But I also, I love dumb, because I see so much amazingly smart comedy, the most brilliant comedians in the world.

We see all the time. And I'm at comedy clubs every night. So I like really stupid shit. Like I like when people fall. That's all the big secret. I love dumb humor. People getting hurt. The opening, hopefully I'll sell a special next year.

And the opening of it, I want it to be, I mean, truly I'm spoiling it by telling people, but I think it'll be funny anyway. I want to do like a pole dancing number and then spin really hard and like fly off the pole. Please do. And then have a dummy thrown on stage. Yes, please. And then I brush myself off. I'm like, ah!

Please, please. I had a dummy on stage in my special. It worked out great. Your dummy is terrifying. You have a dummy? Hold on. We have to take a break. And we're back.

Your robot is, how you say, a nightmare. It's a little nightmare. Horrific. Terrifying. Because I was at your house and she was just sitting at the table. She was sitting at the table, wigless. She was wigless. Someone snatched the wig.

So scary. She doesn't scare me that much because I had to watch her get built. And I also don't think she looks anything like me. Everyone thinks we look exactly alike. I don't think so. There's a lot of differences. I'd hope so. But you both have great cheekbones.

Thank you. She was molded to my face. I mean, I had to go get the mold and sit there for 45 minutes with the cock or the grout or whatever the fuck on my face. But I have learned a lot of fascinating things about our own dysmorphia through having a robot built with myself. Besides just the

traps of narcissism. You learn that you don't know what you look like. Yes. Because we see ourselves in a mirror all the time. They say that if we saw ourselves on the street, we might not even recognize ourselves. That's terrifying. Yeah. So people look at that and they're like, and I'm like, I think so.

Maybe I do look like Lizzo. Because I don't think I look like her. And people keep saying I do look like her. What happens when someone says that? Oh, I just go, I don't, I don't think, I don't see it. I think we're just like both big black women. I don't, not, but I don't want to get, I feel like I should not weigh in on this.

Oh, I don't mind. I truly just think it's like we're two big black women and people are like, ah, yeah, you're the same. That's what I mean. It feels a little like, okay, it's a little. Yeah, it's not nice. Yeah, I remember when I was like thin, like really too thin. People were like, you look like Fiona Apple.

I'm like, we're both skinny and white. That's not the same thing. Yeah, I don't think you look anything like Fiona Apple. Here are two people who look identical and you never hear about it. Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley. I just watched Star Wars. The menace is coming. Menace.

The Phantom Menace. Thank you, Menace. The Phantom Menace. Thank you, Marissa. The Phantom Menace. And I didn't realize that it wasn't just Natalie Portman over again. It was Keira Knightley who played her double. And I was like, this should have been all over the papers. They're the same person. Wait, can we go?

Have you dated comics? Sorry to go back to that. Oh, no. We don't. You don't have to be sorry. Improvisers. I've hooked up with improvisers, dated improvisers. But never stand-ups.

Stand-ups are, I think, more narcissistic than an improviser. Interesting. And I think it's because they're alone on stage. So they don't need support. I don't need any help, but I don't want to share the credit. Yeah. And it's like, and I can have the hottest girl of any audience. So why would I date a goofy woman?

I agree with you. But I also think there's something, because I'm just obsessed with who becomes an improviser and who becomes a stand-up. To me, there's something narcissistic about improvisers, too. Because they're like, I don't need to prepare. I don't need to write anything down. I'm such a genius. It'll just come to me for two hours. But there's usually you're usually not improvising alone.

That's right. At least one other person. Yeah. Three other people. So it's like you're semi dependent on other people. But a stand up is fully by himself. Yeah, that's right. But then also improvisers, they get to fuck.

They students and people in the himself. Yeah, that's right. But then also improvisers, they get to fuck their students and people in the audience. Yeah, go. It's, yeah, men in comedy truly have it very easy, I think. It's easy to fail up, to be semi-mediocre, and you get to just fuck everybody. Yeah, I do feel like, though, there's a, I feel like it used to be rock stars that had that kind of life, right? Musicians.

Like in my day, it was musicians that could be heinous and they would get all the beautiful models just because they could like, you know, sing. And then I feel like comics are kind of the new rock stars. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Whenever I see a comic with a beautiful woman, I'm like, what is wrong with her?

Because I think, well, but I think that most girls are like, well, at least he's not a magician. I don't mean to say magician, but that too.

At least he's not a magician. at least he's not a magician. But I do think comics are particularly insidious in a way. And I do know on some level that they're,

they have, we have narcissistic qualities, but the majority of comedians I know are wildly insecure you know and they go on stage and they talk about their insecurities a lot which is a very narcissistic thing to do but I think there is a little bit of uh beguiling thing that happens where you're like well he's so insecure and he's so broken. And all he does is talk about how he can't get girls. And all he talks- I would date him. So like, I guess I'll date him. Yeah, there's a little bit of this like thing going on

that male comics are like the nerds still and that they're safer or something. But yeah, I just, for me, I just don't like to shit where I eat. Yeah, I think, cause I don't like to shit where I eat. Yeah. I think cause I don't do as much improv anymore, but for like, there was a time when I was in New York where I was like, Oh boy, go to any old show and there'll be at least three people I've hooked up with at this show. Yeah.

Yes. And that's, but I do think if I'm going to just be like, there are a lot of comedians who are in stable relationships with women, have been married. Like, we just don't see them out. And they're not Gaffigan and Jeff Dunham. And there are in the blue collar. Like, there are guys that are married. We just don't see them. Yes.

Out chasing snatches. Is that what they say? Chasing snatch? Chasing strange? Don't go chasing snatches. Is that what they say? Chasing snatch? Chasing strange? Don't go chasing snatches. Snatchy snatch. Has Robot Whitney ever watched you have sex?

She has never watched me have sex. I don't think I've had sex since I got her because she's such a full-time job. No, she sits in the living room as of right now and I don't fornicate in my living room

because it's the most expensive carpet in my home. No, she doesn't do much of anything but just suck money out of my wallet. But she's getting eyeballs that are going to be cameras soon. Oh, shit. So she's going to see a lot of

shit she shouldn't see. This is so crazy. So your robot is evolving as robotic technology evolves? Yes. It was the kind of thing where I was like, I kind of did it as like a joke. I didn't even think it was going to work out well because I was really trying to get a solid bulletproof argument on the sex robots for the last special. I talked about them for like 40 minutes.

And I was like, you know what? This could be like irresponsible. Like, I don't know if what if pedophiles are buying me? I don't know what's going on. Is this incel thing? So I went down to the sex robot factory and I literally was like, just a really funny sentence. So I went down to the sex robot factory. That's the kind of time I have in San Marcos, California. It's near San Diego. And I wanted to really see what was going on and ask questions. And honestly, I was wrong about everything. I made so many presumptions. A lot of people that buy these sex robots, these men, a lot of them are handicapped. A lot of them have erectile

dysfunction. A lot of them are autistic and they say they can't flirt with women and they're awkward and they don't want to be rejected. It's a lot of people exploring their sexuality. A lot of men buy the male sex robot to kind of see if that's what they're into. A lot of women buy the female sex, like, and these are sex dolls. The robots are pretty rare now, but the sex dolls. I found out the number one complaint men have about the sex dolls.

What would you guess? Um, uh, ooh, not soft enough? Too thin. Huh? Oh, full bodied ones.

No, I know. We want full body, but the technology is not available yet because a lot of people that have them are handicapped. I mean, you know, I think they're like 120 pounds than what I have. So they're trying to get the silicone to be lightweight enough to make them big,

have giant butts and giant big thighs. That's everyone's complaint. Second biggest complaint. Second biggest complaint? Too small feet. Nipples too small. Oh. They want oblong nipples.

The number one request are nipples that are like as big as the boob I guess is a big thing. Oh. Which I looked a little bit into that and I think that

dark nipples there's something about breastfeeding. That's how you look for the nipples darkened during breastfeeding. So there is some biological basis for it. This is very, very wild information to be consuming. Trust me. On a Sunday. You're like, oh, every man wants a thin woman.

That's not. Oh, I better get my titties, you know, just right and perky and rosy. And then they're like, no, we want full bodied. It's very confusing. In LA, we're in an echo chamber. And then half of the men not only requested pubic hair, but they spent an extra $1,400 to get pubic hair. Guys don't want these bald, skinny, tiny nippled things. It's very confusing because-

It's white women that run magazines that want that. It's gay men that run magazines. What are we doing? It's not true. Yeah, I do groom, but I don't shave at my vagina bare. And the first time I slept with someone when there was like hair there, there was no complaint.

And I was like, huh, then why have I been shaving the whole thing this whole time? Every guy who's like, ugh, never mind.

It's never happened. No, it's never happened. I doubt it ever will happen. I talk to my gynecologist every time I go. I always am like, what's the new thing?

You know, can you like slip me some information on what's going on out there in the streets? And she said women are coming in that had lasered over lasered because that was big. I mean, I over lasered and men want pubes now. It's back and women are coming in and

getting pubic plugs. Whoa! Because they now, and also something that my gynecologist said that was like too real. She was like, as you get older, you want some hair that hurt, like things change and you don't want all that shit exposed out. Yeah.

Hair is maybe good, but yeah, I had over lasered and now I just have weird little like random patches, bushel, bushels, little bushels. Who's the guy from the Simpsons with the two hairs? I don't know.

I've, I've only ever seen an episode of the Simpsons where my voice was in it, which is, that's the only one you've ever seen. It's a very insane thing to, to admit. I haven't seen anything that people love. Um,

I've never seen, what do you watch? Uh, a lot of trashy TV. Like I really love 90 anything that people love. I've never seen... What do you watch? A lot of trashy TV. I really love 90 Day Fiance. Okay. I really love RuPaul's Drag Race, which I think is trashy. I love it. The best.

And then I like to re-watch things, and I re-watch movies over and over again. Really? That's interesting. I'm a person who takes pretty calculated risks now in my older age but I'm also a person who really loves routine which is insane because my life is so not a routine that's probably why you like it when you can control it and it's like touring is a routine now it's like I wake up at 5 a.m. no but it's always different and the plane's late and the thing and the logistics and the 90 nightmares and the heckle lady wait Wait, so that's so interesting.

I don't watch a lot of TV either, especially that everybody's watching because it feels like pressure to me. Yes. It feels like homework. And I also, when everyone's talking about it, I'm like, well, now I don't want to watch it. Yes. Because I can't enjoy it because all I'm doing is going like,

well, this isn't as good as everyone said. Like, I can't even enjoy it. So I just started Succession. People keep saying Succession is really great. My roommate, John Millheiser, keeps talking about how wonderful it is. So I feel like eventually I'm going to have to watch it. It's unbelievably good, but it's so good. Just watch it at a time where it feels consensual and you can enjoy it.

I think also I get worried that I'm like going to get into something and then run out of time to finish it. Well, that's the other thing. I'm a perfectionist. Like I have to consume some and I and I'm an addict. So I want to see all of it at once. I'll stay up till 4 a.m. Yeah, I truly just watch this. I just watch Death Becomes Her for the 1000th time.

Have you ever seen it? Not only have I seen it and do I love it, but you're maybe the third person to bring it up this week. And I just keep it's in the zeitgeist for some reason. It's a perfect movie. It's perfectly campy in a way where I was like, did they realize how campy this was going to be when they were shooting it? I was like, what were the directorial choices? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so funny.

Like, Bruce Willis has never been funnier than in that movie. He's so funny and it's not talked about enough. No. So, oh, God. And then, uh, oh, I just love it all. The end makes me laugh so hard. I need to re-watch it. I haven't, I, there's a lot, I watched My Stepmother's an Alien recently

again. Kim Basinger Ger? Ger. Ger? Ger? Is unbelievably good in that movie. I've never seen it. It's, I don't know why you would have. It'd been weird if you had. I watched, I remember as a kid, we had like three blockbuster movies that we just watched

over and over again because we didn't return them and our bill was so high that my dad was like, you can't return these, but these are our movies. We had like four movies. was so high that my dad was like, you can't return these, but these are our movies. We had like four movies. We had National Lampoon's European Vacation, Outrageous Fortune,

Bette Midler's Incredible End. Oh, I've never seen that. Oh, it's Shelley Long and Bette Midler and they're amazing together. I think Blues Brothers was one of them. And Three Amigos, which is one of my favorite movies. I've seen it a thousand times. I have no idea if that movie holds up.

I don't know if it would be funny. That's a Mel Brooks movie? Yeah, and it's not, I don't even know, but it's Steve Martin, Martin Short, Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase is unbelievable in it. Gotta watch it. People have talked about that. My sister likes that movie.

My sister's seen so many more movies than me. I know Three Amigos backwards, forwards. I tried to make the female version, but the rights were in Warner Brothers or Universal. something getting the rights to things very hard it's a hassle it's a hassle Reese Witherspoon just you do it all and let us know when it comes out she seems to know how to do it my favorite movies growing up are movies that nobody has ever seen tell me Eddie oh my god never literally never heard of it yeah whoopi goldberg plays a limo driver who then becomes the head coach of the new york knicks uh ghost is one of my favorite movies ghost whoopi

was a perfect movie star perfect i love did you have you seen the video of her farting on the view when claire danes was on i don't think it's my favorite piece of television ever. She farts on The View. Claire Danes is like talking about 9-11 and the Americans. And Wolfie just goes, sorry. Which is so great because there's that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze as a ghost is like hovering around her at some office. And she's like gas. It's just gas. Remember that?

It's just a little bit of gas. It's a little bit of gas. And she's like gas. It's just gas. Remember that? It's just a little bit of gas. It's a little bit of gas. When she's in the bank and he sees Demi, he knocks the papers over.

She's still talking and he like pokes her. And she goes, oh, it's just some gas. It's just some gas. It's like phenomenal. It makes me laugh so hard. I wanted her and Patrick Swayze to get together. Me too. But Patrick Swayze was very loyal to his wife that he was with until he died. Yeah, that's right. R.I.P. Patrick Swayze. very loyal to his wife that he was with until he died. Yeah, that's right.

Alright, Patrick Swayze. How old were you when you got your first boyfriend? I mean, define boyfriend. Like, real? Well, what is not real? I mean, I remember when I was in summer

camp in Virginia, I had a boyfriend. I mean, I thought I was a boyfriend named David and we kissed underwater at the Y. But you know when you had a boyfriend, but you didn't talk to them? Yeah, you were like, I'm dating Timmy. That person's my boyfriend and you'd see them once a day for 10 minutes and maybe kiss in the woods and then not ever see, you know, so I don't know if that counts. Um, then I, I guess by the time I was in school in Virginia, I definitely had like boyfriends. Uh, so 12, 13. Dang. So young. Yeah. Not good. Time's up on that. Um, and then I didn't really have boyfriends.

But, you know, I don't know what it even meant. Like, you'd hook up with someone and then, like, you go to prom with that. Like, you don't really have a choice in high school because you can't get away from them. So it's the kind of thing where you're kind of like, if this person likes me, I guess I have to like you back. And I don't know how to say no because I'm a teenager. And, like, you know what I mean? And then no one else will ask you out if that person likes you because then they don't want to get you know what I mean what a nightmare yeah I never dated anyone I've never like dated dated anyone but school was very very much like this probably will never happen

yeah and then one of my friends was dating a boy who lived across the street from her and it was always so weird when I would like take her bus to her house and they would hold hands till they got right in front of their homes and then part ways and then like maybe talk on the phone later. That's what it was. You would talk on the phone for like three hours with somebody. And then my mom would be like, get off. Like, you know, remember when there were landlines? I also think that most of my life as a teenager in the 20s was like pining for people. I was in love with people that didn't love me back or were too popular,

but that I was kind of with someone that like I didn't really want to be with, in love with someone else. Yeah. I think it was sixth or seventh grade was in love with an eighth grader. His name was Mark D'Angelilio. Hey, Mark. And I, oh, he was perfect and tall and blonde. sixth or seventh grade was in love with an eighth grader his name was mark d'angelilio hey mark and i oh he was perfect and tall and blonde and i he truly looked like a member of hitler's youth and i wanted it yeah and then he truly was like no i think he had a girlfriend or something

but for valentine's day every year you could send someone a carnation. Oh, yeah. And white meant friendship, pink meant interested, and red meant love. And he sent me a pink one. And I kept that carnation for years. So what happened? Oh, he graduated. Pink meant love? Yeah. Well, pink meant interested.

But nothing ever happened. Have you looked him up? Is he on Instagram? I don't know if he's on Instagram. I, the other day, have you ever had hard kombucha? No, I've never had kombucha. It's like beer, basically. I don't know if my past on Instagram. And last night I started Googling people that I had crushes on in high school and found a lot of them. I don't even know how to spell his last name. A lot of people, by the way, I'm watching her now look scroll with her phone

that says, what does it say? Her pink phone just says book with wings on the side. Yeah. The brand is Skinny Dip. I contacted the company to be like, can you please make a new one of these cases? Because mine is getting all crunched up and eaten up. And they said no. And then find him, see what he's up to. It was actually kind of interesting because I needed closure. I was I was surprised at how much closure I needed from the guys I had crushes on in high school. And I was looking them up and I was kind of like him and his wife and his kids and everyone.

Everyone I had a crush on in high school now is a financial advisor at Merrill Lynch. Good for you guys, I guess. And I like looked them up and I'm like, they don't look that happy. I like felt better. I don't have a Facebook anymore, but when I did. I only do the fan page. I don't even know my password to get in anymore. You have to get someone else to do that.

I got to do a lot of things. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. Having a social media presence is a job in itself. Full-time job. That's right. And it's very exhausting.

You're very good at it i try i think i try but it's like there's instagram facebook twitter engaging in the i hired i had to hire a company to like do it oh to help yeah that's great that's crazy maybe i'll do that i don't know but um i would just get so depressed, but everybody I went to high school with, every single person seems to be married. And with like two, maybe three kids. For now. For now. But then it's not like a jealousy thing.

I just look at it and I'm like, why do you want this? I mean, I just think we have a different path. And honestly, I think it's easy for us to go like you're married most people never get the kind of attention like you know for people to get married that's like one stand-up show for us a bunch of people looking at them being like cool you did it we get that every single night interesting to think Yeah. Like a lot of people have like two or three moments in their lives that I get to experience like 50 times a year. Yeah. And we complain about it. We're like, oh, some lady yelled at me. Like that's everyone's dream to do what we

do. Yeah. So I do find myself when I have to go to a wedding, I'm just like, oh, what is wrong with these people? And I'm like, OK, what people want to get attention from a hundred people once in their lifetime. That's so hard on us. Also, it's funny for a wedding to get attention. You have to pay for the attention. That's correct. We get paid for attention. Totally. I think sometimes we forget, like, so for for us I think it's just we're I'm not saying we're spoiled we have our own set of sort of cards we're dealt of like the price that we pay for doing the job that we do and it can be really lonely it can be really isolating can be a lot of tricky tricky things um and emotionally destabilizing and stuff but I do

think it's hard for us to relate to someone who's not a comedian who's like just trying to get someone to clap for them once you know yeah I'm just like why would you want to put makeup on on the on your off day yeah why would you want to get we get photos taken of us too much right far too much yeah we're like oh god I have to go perform for another 5,000 people tonight that love me yeah it is funny but then it's uh i have to remember i'm like it's a these feelings are valid because it is my job that's correct so any job that you would like nobody loves a job top to bottom no problems so like sometimes i'm like oh nicole you can't be upset right now in the moment just perform you're like no no i'm allowed to have feelings you can be whatever you want i'm allowed to not want to engage i'm allowed to want to engage i'm allowed to make whatever choice i want to make um oh dang i had a question but that does help me though when i look at people in their weddings and i'm like oh right that's just like yes you

know i should be so lucky have you you've never been on an app. Have you? Like a dating app? Are you loco? I beg your pardon? We are strangers. I was, I was on, I was on Tinder. Like, I'm not saying it was as a joke. I went on a date with a guy on Tinder, like full stop, real date. But it was a little, I kind of got on it to write jokes. This was like before Bumble

I got on Raya I met someone on Raya but that is a that one's that one's a jungle yeah that one's bad that one's nasty

I don't like that one at all it's nasty uh huh John Cusack calling you out I don't give a shit anymore John Cusack's on out. I don't give a shit anymore. John Cusack's on there. Jeremy Piven's on there.

You don't want to be on there. It's like every man we've been trying to avoid in this city for the past 15 years. You fucking tools. John Cusack's cover photo is the Damien Hirst diamond skull. Fuck out of here. Ben Affleck is on there. That was in the news. He met someone.

I see a lot of my married friends on there. I got on it kind of because who told me, I don't want to blow up the spot of who told me, but I guess a couple people I knew were on there. And, uh, yeah, it's a lot of, it's, it's a eugenics program as far as I'm concerned. It's a bunch of people that would find other hot people anyway, all in one place. It's all models, female models and male photographers. Like, do you guys have such a hard time finding each other before this fucking app? Well, it just makes it easier to book a shoot in Venice. Like, what is this?

And most of the guys in there sent me resumes, not even joking. And it's like, it's, it's Instagram 2.0. It's like girls doing yoga on rocks and bikinis and Capri. It's a lot of women that are just like, like, why is everyone on a boat? Does anyone have a job? It's very confusing. And then you get to pick music and it's like an old MySpace page. Yeah. My, uh, I have had, I have had so many friends not get on it uh my friend i can't say her name but a girlfriend of mine got rejected from it and she asked like why and they were like you had too many photos of babies on your instagram like her niece she's like i don't

why i know someone that knows someone that was on the board of approvals. And it is a it's it's just it's like getting into an Ivy League. There's no rhyme or reason. I was waitlisted for two years. I remember you talking about this, which was very annoying. But then I got on it and was like, oh, this is bad. I don't want to. I don't want to be here. What?

Any any good? I went on one date with a with a man who sent me a script. Yeah. But here's what I'll say. This is what I like about it. The women on there are super successful. And then to get on it as a woman, you have to be hot and super successful and famous. And then as a guy, you just have to wear V-necks and have a man bun.

I feel like that's just the state of the world. Yeah, it just sort of is like you have to be twice as interesting to be a woman to get on there. I know lots of really successful, famous women on there and then tons of like fuckboys. Like just disgusting men. Matthew Perry. It's lots of famous guys that could get women whenever they wanted.

Yeah, and it's like why do you have to be on? Well, I guess if I was a super famous guy, maybe meeting a woman would just be easier on an app. So you're just like, oh, okay. I can like vet you before I meet you. Yeah. I like that. I do like, like the relationship I got enough there.

I actually like texting with someone before I meet them. I know everyone hates that. I'm the opposite because for me. How long do you text the person? Well, he was in New them. I know everyone hates that. I'm the opposite because for me- Well, how long do you text the person before you meet them? Well, he was in New York. I love starting long distance because I'm such an addict

that if I meet someone and the neurochemicals take over, I end up being in a bad relationship for two years just because of like lust and shit. Like I really am at a point where I'm so tired that I would really like to get to know somebody and like vet some red flags before jumping in to giving someone a bunch of my time and energy. So I'm big on texting for a while.

I know everyone hates that. I think it creates a false sense of intimacy. It does. I know for me because I create a full blown narrative where I'm like, oh my God, he answers quickly and promptly and like he uses emojis. He's in love with me yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's like well you haven't even met you don't know how you're gonna even mesh together but then also starting long distance i feel like is uh good specifically because like being on the road so much you kind of are in a long distance relationship that's right even though you might

live with the person yeah because if you're gone, like lately this year, I've been gone like three to four days out of the week. Yeah. That's a lot of time. That's a lot. So much time. That's correct. You're right. And then when I'm here, I'm working.

So then you only truly have a window to see me for like three hours, two to three times a week. Yeah. That's crazy. That's crazy. I mean, and I agree with you. I think for me, like responding too fast, that to me is always a red flag.

That's always like, if you're doing this with me, you're doing this with nine other girls. Like, this is not real. So for me, it's always a guy that we can engage and then be like, let's hop on the phone. Let's FaceTime for an hour. Let's talk for an hour. You know, so it's like a nice way to kind of see if I'm dealing with someone who's an adult or someone who's just like texting with nine girls. I know this is probably judgy, but emojis are a red flag for me.

Really? I know this is judgy. But just say what you're going to say and pick up the phone. I don't text. It's like, let's have a phone conversation. I think that's good. I think phone conversations are good

because you can hear the tone. Yes, that's right. I think tones are very important. Tone isn't always construed in text. But I like an emoji. It feels like you're being playful with me. I know. I like, I get, I just, I have to be really cut and dry about shit because I know what beguiles me into thinking I'm closer to someone than I am. And I really want to be in a relationship with an adult and not that emojis aren't adult, you know, but if it's just like kissy face, I'm like, that's, it's just confusing communication to me because I get easily confused. So if it's like, how are you kissy face? I'm like, wait, or the eyes with the hearts. I wasted like eight months in a relationship.

It wasn't, I'm sorry. It wasn't a relationship. I thought it was because the guy kept sending me the heart emoji with the heart eyes. And I was like, oh, that means I have like love for you. Ah, okay. But the behavior and the emojis were incongruous. So that's like one of the big red flags in love addiction recovery is that someone's words and behavior have to match. And if they don't, you have to leave.

So I just I get too confused by emojis. I was we only hooked up once, but we had been talking for like two weeks before we hooked up. He kept sending me the purple devil emoji. And I was like, what does this mean? That's so funny. What does this mean? I feel like we've dated some of the same people. I know.

I got that too. And then the cat with the heart eyes. Yeah. And I'm like, why a cat? Yeah. I find, because emojis are Rorschach tests, right? We all have different. Ah, yeah.

The lady in the red dancing. You know, it's like there's always, you know, something different. So I just, and then the heart, everyone puts kind of the heart. And to press one button takes a second. It's very easy to phone that in and to get more credit than you deserve. Yes, as opposed to I thought of fully formed sentences to tell you how I feel. Yes. As opposed to like, ding.

But to me, I think what happens is like a one heart emoji equals like a 25 minute phone call in my head. So I get this sort of like, I just get very confused. So I will just be like, hey, want to hop on the phone? And if we don't communicate over phone

or FaceTime at some point, then it's just like, all right, this is. I feel like it's very old school talking on the phone. There's truly only like three people in my life who I speak to on the phone. time at some point then it's just like all right this is I feel like it's very old school talking on the phone there's truly only like three people in my life who I speak to on the phone I'm very I'm very old school like that because I'm terrified to put things in writing number one and number two it's just that it becomes I mean literally phoning it in like texting is very easy and I can hide I want to hide and if I can make time to talk to someone

on the phone that means I like them because I think sometimes we don't stop to think do I even like this person oh or do I like the idea of this person I'm of the school where I think I'm more into the idea of someone than actually liking the person that's right me too because the older I get the more I'm like there's actually very few people in this world who I genuinely like. Most people are duds. Yes. Very bad.

I went to dinner with a friend and his friend and his friend was such a dud. I was like, I find you interesting. How are you friends with this thing who truly never said one interesting thing? And then he would say things that said one interesting thing and then would he would say things that he thought were jokes and then he would laugh at his own joke

and I was like ah thank you for this very cool indication that that was a joke and I should chuckle as well but it was almost exhausting

having to be with him for like an hour and a half and I also think and sorry to keep coming back to this I think that like we are comics we're around people that are very emotionally intelligent and know how to read a room And I also think, and sorry to keep coming back to this, I think that like we are comics.

We're around people that are very emotionally intelligent and know how to read a room and refuse to bomb. Yes. Like we're around people that are just like scientifically the least dud people because they get paid to talk and they know if something's lagging. Like I will never bomb a conversation. Like I will never, no one will ever walk away. They'll go, that was a lot or wow she's always on they'll have some feedback maybe that's not great

but it's never gonna be wow she was boring yeah I I'll never get that I can't remember who I was talking to but I was like people have very strong feelings about me no one's middle of the road about me really

they either very much like me or they very much hate me how do you know how would you where do you get the second part oh people like to send me convert or like uh what reddit's a message board they'll send me reddit threads of people being shitty to me yeah people love to send me people being shitty about me who who are they like friends or like no no no like people on the internet yeah yeah like on twitter they little tweet like a link to me or people love to at me in a tweet to tell me that they don't like me um

and i don't mind it it doesn't bother me very much i usually just say in our day if you didn't like someone you just didn't you were just quiet you just were like didn't just watch them you didn't write about them you were just like you just didn't like when i was a kid, didn't watch them. You didn't write about them. You were just like, you just didn't. Like when I was a kid, I didn't like Melrose Place as a kid. I like 90210, but I didn't watch it. I didn't like talk about it. I just turned off the TV. You didn't send a letter to each cast member to let them know that you hated them?

I did not try to hurt them. Whitney, I don't know what's wrong with you. I wasn't mad at them. I didn't try to upset them or ruin their day. I just turned, I pressed one button and I moved on to something else I liked. Yeah. And whenever people tweet about hating a show or something, I'm like, don't you know how many people were involved in trying to make it?

And not, not one of those people was like, let's try to create something that people hate. Yeah. No one shows up trying to, but also it's just wild to me when somebody hates something that a lot of people like, you're like, okay, well, fine. I think a lot of times people are just trying to be a contrarian. Yeah, and I think people get the self-righteous indignation. And hating something or disliking something, it does fire off dopamine, unfortunately, and adrenaline.

I mean, I've started watching the Star Wars movies because I'm doing a podcast with my friend Lauren Lapkus about watching them. I love Lauren. Isn't she the best? Yes. I truly adore her. Effervescent breath of fresh air. Right? I love her.

But watching them has been a real treat because I didn't think I was going to like them, and I don't. And I was like, not everything is for everybody. But we are critiquing them and talking about them. And I really like the new ones more than the old ones, which is no one's opinion. I don't like so many things that have statistically been proven to be incredible. Like I this is I'm going to get so much shit for this. I can't believe I'm. I don't like New York.

And I like I don't like New York. And I, like, I don't get it. It's so wildly expensive to me. There's urine everywhere. Every time I'm there, I get hurt. Every time you sit down, it's $100 cash. Like, I rented a place there for a year. I was dying to live there. I was like, I got to figure the city out. If I just a place there for a year I was dying to live there I was like

I got to figure the city out if I just figure out the metro if I just figure out if I just get a place here I like going there when it's like for press and I'm in a hotel like I love get a car service and it's easy yes but I just was like I'm not strong enough for the city I everything is so hard you like can't wear the shoes you want to wear. You can't wear lip gloss. And then the hair, your hair stuck in your, it's just like, everything is so hard in that city for me. How old were you when you lived in New York for a year? Two years ago. Oh yeah. You're too old. I will. That's the thing. I was too old and I went a lot when I was younger and was like

crashing on people's sofas and stuff. But then I was like, I know this is the greatest city in the world. The smartest people I know love it. I must be wrong. I just haven't done it right. I finally have money. Why don't I go live in New York finally? And I just was like, why? I mean, when I was spending more money on an apartment there than my mortgage here, every time I turned on the bath, effluvium from the toilet would come out and it would smell like sewage. And so I called a plumber and they came up and I was like, Hey, so when I turn the bath on the most relaxing thing I can think of a bath, the best time of my day, it smells like everyone's buttholes from New York, all the buttholes. And he goes, he literally came up and he's like well it's New York like the idea

of fixing the toilet wasn't even on the table he looked at me like well it's New York you just you smell buttholes all the time what do you think this is and then there was an elevator in the apartment like in each apartment and people would get out on my floor while I was in bed all the time it was crazy people like drunk people would just walk into my apartment while I was in bed all the time. It was crazy. People like drunk people would just walk into my apartment while I was sleeping. And then at 4 a.m., like I would hear women screaming. And I just be like, do I go help these women? Are they in trouble? And people would get to New York.

And I just was always in a state of fear and panic for other people's safety. Yeah. I lived there from like 17, maybe 18 to 25, 26. And when you're like 18, you're just like, yeah, I can live like a wild animal and never sleep. My apartment shakes because I'm next to the train. And it's a six floor walk up and we'll never lock our doors because who's coming up here? Yeah. And then like the older you get, the more you're like, oh, OK, I don't have to live like a rabbit possum. I could have my own room and we can live maybe further uptown. I don't have to put my sweaters in an oven.

The older you get, the better you tend to live in New York. But you kind of have to eat shit first. It's kind of like doing comedy. You have to be very rich. Got to eat shit first. It's kind of like doing comedy. You have to be very rich. Got to eat shit first. And then, and then also I lived with a bunch of roommates, so I never paid more than $500 in rent. What? But I had a ton of roommates.

I just, I think in order to, and I think that once you get, I mean, LA is by no means reasonable in terms of real estate, but once you get a yard and you get land, you're like, how do I go back to this shoebox life? It's like, once you fly a yard and you get land you're like how do i go back to the shoebox life it's like never once you fly first it's hard to go back so i i just i'm too weak i'm not strong enough i just i new york makes me feel like i'm have failed it's it's it is a really tough city and it makes me feel like I am a masochist. It makes me feel bad and like a speck of dust that nobody cares about. It doesn't, it makes me feel like I'm not special because I'm not, you know, but at

least when you have a yard, you have this illusion. You can maintain. That life is good. Yeah, that life is easy. I just, I love going to New York when I need to like finish something, like, like take a couple Adderall, go to a hotel and like finish a book or like a script or something. It makes you feel super adrenalized and alive. But I was like, I think this is, I'm hurting myself here.

Yeah. I always loved New York. It has a very special place in my heart and it does feel like home. Every time I go back, I go, if I ever quit, I would just move back to New York. I'd live in a cute little apartment and just be one with all the people. Yeah, I mean, if I had $100 million, I would live there. It also is so much nicer if you have so much money.

Yeah, like I think that because I grew up without money, it makes me nuts when things are too much money. And New York, it just feels like literally just like a bad deal. I paid $6 for water at LaGuardia yesterday or two days ago. Wrong. Morally wrong. I refuse. I refuse.

And that's why I like the Portland airport because they don't charge you on anything. It's the same price outside as it is inside the airport. I was like, why aren't all airports like this? Yeah. the same price outside as it is inside the airport. I was like, why aren't all airports like this? Anyway, Whitney, we've come to the end and I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me?

Yes, I would date you. Oh, yay! Has anyone ever said no? Of course. No, they haven't. Yes, they have. There's been a lot of people, but a lot of it was like, you have too much energy.

I don't think I could keep up with you, which is, to me, a compliment. But you're performing. I mean, you're not like this all the time. Nah. You are? Yeah. Like, I terrorize my roommate. I'm always screaming.

I'm sure my neighbors are like, I don't know what this woman does. It's quiet for three days and then just so loud the rest of the week. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, I love screaming. That's so funny. We should interview your neighbor. What do you think's happening next door?

Yeah, I'd be like, I don't know. Also, the kids of the neighborhood, I feel like James Earl Jones sometimes because they'll like fly a drone into my backyard and I'll be like, what do you want? And most of the time I'm not wearing a wig and I'm like bald headed and screaming at children. Okay, I'm going to ask you one more question.

I know we're going to end this because I feel like we're going to be friends at some point, but we only hang out on podcasts. So we've had no time to actually get to know each other. IRL. Is your roommate, what's his name? John Milheiser. John Milheiser.

Right. Got it. Got it. Got it. He'll be so excited to hear his name. He's the one that says you have to say his name, right? John Milheiser. John Milheiser is who I live with.

John Milheiser. John Milheiser. John boy. John John. Is this good enough for you? He's going I live with. John Millheiser. John Millheiser. John boy. John John. Is this good enough for you? He's going to be thrilled. John. He doesn't listen.

Let's be honest. No, he does. You think so? Every now and again, I'll like walk in the kitchen. He'll be like, why did you say this? I'm like, say what? So living with you is not enough, you? When you're on the road, he just listens to you?

Same. Well, we are rather close in a very strange way. Yeah. He's like my family. He's like my husband that I just don't fuck. Was this a New York friend? We did sketch comedy together in New York at the UCB Theater. And then he moved out to L.A.

And then I was like, oh, I think I'm going to move too. And then I slept on another girl's couch. And then he had an apartment. So then him, my friend Allison Rich, and I, the three of us lived in a two-bedroom where she slept on another girl's couch and then he had an apartment. So then him, my friend Allison Rich and I, the three of us lived in a two bedroom where she slept on the couch. And it was it was for the time. Great. It was what it was. Yeah. But I could never do that again. The good news is you're ready for the apocalypse.

I live with six people. I'm ready. I could do it if the purge happened. I keep us all safe. Whitney, do you have anything you want to promote? I mean,

besides my shame, I have a podcast too and Nicole's on it. Yes. Nicole's going to be on it. Tell them the name of it. It's called Good For You. Also,

tell them the name of your Netflix special. It's called Can I Touch It? Yes. We did it and I'm touring next year, but I haven't pulled it together yet. Do you have a website?

I do. What is it? NicoleBeyer.com. Reroutes to mine now. Honestly, if you went to NicoleBeyer.com, you would arrive at an artist from Chicago. Shut up. Shut up!

Who tried to get me to pay $10,000 for the domain. That's illegal. You can't do that anymore. Is her name Nicole Beyer? What. That's illegal. You can't do that anymore. Is her name Nicole Byer? What? That's illegal. Well, her name technically is, but then via our email conversations, a person who's friends with her accidentally emailed, forwarded me her airline ticket for somewhere they were

going together. And Nicole is not her government name. That's illegal. She can't do that. Well, who do I, who do I talk to? government name. That's illegal. She can't do that. Well, who do I, who do I talk to? A lawyer. They can't, you can't do that anymore. Wow.

You can't squat on people's domains. Maybe I'll get NicoleBeyer.com. Right now my domain is NicoleBeyerWasTaken.com, which makes it sound like I was either kidnapped, but it was just the domain was gone. Yeah. No, you can't do that anymore. So remember in the beginning when all the domains happened, that guy bought Coca-Cola.com,

VidalSassoon.com, and he made all this money selling the domain to those big brands. And so they passed all these laws that you can't. So that happened to me. Someone tried to, had bought WhitneyComings.com.net.edu, all that shit.

And then, yeah, she can't do that. It's also such a weird amount of money that she asked for. Well, first it was $20,000. And then I said, U.S. dollars? And she said, yes. And then it went down to $10,000. This is not okay. And I was like, I can't.

It's illegal. That's so much money. You have a lawyer? I have an entertainment lawyer. Yeah. Get them on this. This is what you pay them for. Oh. To do this. Oh. Yeah, you send a cease and desist. It's illegal. Okay. I have an entertainment lawyer yeah get them on this this is what they you pay them for oh

to do this oh you send yeah you send a cease and desist it's illegal okay you can't exploit you can't take people's

names you fucking monsters fuck you it's so confusing that she thought I had ten thousand dollars laying around to just give to somebody

this makes me so mad this makes me that's the cheapest form of stealing. That is fucking stealing. We're comedians. We give up our lives to make people laugh.

Fuck you, Nicole Byer. She not nice. That's not even her name. No. It's not. I can't. That, I am livid. I will handle this. Give me, CC me on this email. I will go apeshit. I just, we're doing, like, our lives are a nightmare.

Why are you adding? Yeah. I also don't mind that my domain is NicoleByerIsTaking.com. I do like that. It's funny. I think it's silly. I think it's funny, but you should have both. It's a business.

Yeah. Well, if you like. just tell me a dot net whatever you do it was a dot net and then I changed it to Nicole Byer was taken dot com yeah dot net is a bummer because it was Nicole Byer dot net

and I was like ew it just doesn't sound good I'd rather you be like sounds cheap or weird dot gov but if you like this episode of why won't you date me

you can subscribe you can rate it five stars you can leave me a review also if you send me something nasty to hit on me I'll read it of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can rate it five stars. You can leave me a review. Also, if you send me something nasty to hit on me, I'll read it. So this one says, I want you to ride my face while I lick that sweet, succulent punani.

Slurp the creamy juices out of your pussy lips and suck on your pulsing clit before breaking down the walls of your vagina with my big old dick that we'd have to buy together because that's how you really lesbian. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom on the pussy, baby. I hope you gushed or giggled or both. So I did giggle.

And then this person said, I just want to express my interest in your pussy. In particular, my want and need to knit a tiny cardigan sweater out of your pussy's pubic hair i'm sure it will look absolutely stunning i would like to delicately place it above your clit and admire my workmanship while also admiring the wonders that is of your beautiful snatch i hope i wouldn't suffer from ball hair after going down on you? Oh, hair balls. But I guess that's the price you have to pay. So this person wants to make just a tiny pussy hair cardigan and place it above my

clit. How strange. Okay. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.