Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Farting in Bed with your Lover (w/ Sudi Green)

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Comedian and writer Sudi Green (SNL, I Love That For You) joins Nicole to discuss their awkward encounters with celebrities, having baby fever,  and farting in bed with your lover. Sudi shares a horrible hookup story where her partner was into "intense sex", but failed to preform. Nicole realizes she's horny for magic. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Day Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come on my fingernails and put some press-ons on and say, that's new glue. My guest today, oh boy, is a hilarious comedian and award-winning writer who's written for Shrill. Woo! Saturday Night Live, yay!

And the new Showtime series, I love that for you. It's Sudie Green! Hi, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. How are you? Oh my God, I'm doing good. I'm kind of hungover. But kind of going to bring the energy.

I think this is going to be good. This is going to kind of like reset kind of the body. Listen. The adrenaline of doing a podcast. I want to hear about what happened last night. Oh my God. I went to the GLAAD Awards. And absolutely, I devastate myself.

Like, when I drink, because I love to indulge. I don't believe in moderation. Oh, me neither. And I also, like, love to, like, ingest and imbibe, don't we all? And so, like, if I'm at a thing and there's like anything, there's candy, there's popcorn, there's cheese, there's drinks.

I'm like, great, I'll just consume and consume and consume. And yeah, it was also kind of like, what are you gonna do? Not drink a lot? You gotta. I mean, at any sort of award ceremony, I i'm just like where the booze be at and at the emmys we were told that there was not going to be any booze but luckily there was a wine and

cheese boxes on the table oh my god those sweaty little cheese boxes that they gave us they were very disgusting but there was a lot of wine and i got fucking shit faced well i was gonna ask you that because i was like is there ever a point because you're freaking at the award shows you're pulling the looks i mean like we it's always it's always memorable but like but i it gives me it gives me like pleasure that you still are going to those things and getting drunk because I always feel like such a noob because I'm just like, oh, I'm such a fucking peasant that I just go to a fancy thing. Let's get wasted. You are not a peasant. Don't do that to yourself.

No, she's a queen. No, I'm a little wench. I'm a little potato wench. I feel like a wench sometimes, no i get fucking drunk a very famous person i won't say whom but they came up to me we had met previously on something uh truly like a very bit part in this thing and they said hello how are you this is the emmys and we like air kiss and then they said see you later i gotta go fucking get drunk and i was like okay okay oh was it viola davis i wish viola davis at the emmys two years ago i don't know it's

the first emmys i got to go to and i went to the governor's ball and i got to see viola davis she was munching on a little slider, minding her business, just sitting like a normal person who's not a legend. And I was like, I got to do it. Got to bother her. And I said, I'm so sorry. I know you're just trying to enjoy your life, but you're so inspirational and really wonderful.

And I love your work. And she munched, swallowed and said, thank you. And then continued to munch and i was like okay we're not having a moment and i don't it's okay it's fine it's fine it's fine you you just it's fine you know you just wore sneakers on stage you're trying to eat something it's fine you're fine you approach and then you kind of have to accept if it's going to be a moment or not but also like some famous people are really good at giving you the moment that's a special skill it is extra i think yeah uh-huh like a like a hand

like a handhold like a tight handhold and like when you can really tell people are like really receiving or like when people are like complimenting a celebrity and you can like tell that they have on their like receiving face. Yes. I thought it was so funny at the Oscars this year where like literally Laverne Cox on the red carpet was like telling people to be present. Really? Yeah. She was like, well, be present tonight. Take it in. That's really funny. Laverne Cox knew what was going to happen. Laverne Cox is a prophet. She said, be present. This is going to be the Laverne Cox is a prophet. She said, be present. This is going to be the Oscars that you've never seen before. You better be present. You better be watching. Keep your eyes open.

You might miss something if you don't keep your eyes open. I'll talk about the slap till I die. I loved it. People do not like my hot take on it. But boy, oh boy, it was something fun that we all got to talk about you know life happens whether you're ready for it or not life happens you know i mean we don't have to talk about it i mean it's damn near a month ago but um who did oh i met katherine o'hara at the at the emmys uh two years ago or something and i love her and i was like oh boy katherine o'hara i love you so much and she went and i love you and i was like you don't know who i am and that's fine

i okay so i actually have a whole freaking grape about this not about katherine o'hara but about like the moment which is that i talked about this on am i allowed to say i talked about on another podcast okay i will you can yes because the people in the comments will say i heard that story somewhere else people in the comments would they be active no this is part two okay so the setup happened on another podcast where i was talking about how when you meet a celebrity and you want them to be like sudi and you are the best and you're my daughter now, and come sit with me, and let me ask you about your career and your dreams. And you always want it to be that, and it's never that.

It's always like, you know, I was talking about like when you're a writer on things or like you're meeting somebody in a professional capacity. It's usually just like you meet them, they're polite, and you do your job, and you move on, and they're like, great. So I had talked about how it's never what you think it's going to be on this podcast. So then this producer comes up to me at the Emmys and she goes, oh, my God, I heard you on Lost Culturistas talking about that. And I like work with Catherine O'Hara. I would love for you to meet her later.

And I was like, oh, my God, I would I would die to meet her. But I'm kind of thinking in my head like well right but like the point of the story was that like it's never like what you think this producer's like and I got a doozy for you she's gonna slap you in the face do you want to meet her and then and then it was like later and we were at this party together and like I was drinking and I was also kind of like the least famous person there. So I was kind of trying to be like cool and chill and not like, you know, bark up people's tree. And this producer keeps being like, soon we're going to talk.

And I was like, well, she's sitting with like Eugene Levy and Martin Short. I don't think now is the time. And then later she was like, let's go now. And I was like, yeah, again, like she seems to be enjoying herself. So then it was literally as Catherine O'Hara was leaving this party. She's tired. It was like kind of cold out. Like, you could tell the shoes were hurting.

And the producer is like, Catherine, this is Sudie. And I just said, I love you. And she said, I love you. Boy, oh boy. This truly confirms that that's just what she says I almost said something to this very sweet producer lady who wanted you know to introduce me which is so kind but I really almost turned to her and be like well yeah like that was what this is what I was talking about you heard it and then you made it come true.

What's wrong with you? That's so funny. Well, we love Catherine O'Hara. She loves us back. Love. I love her. She loves me, which is very kind. I often think about the wine commercial that she shot in the scene on Schitt's Creek.

It's so funny. I've never seen Schitt's Creek well just google that one scene and honestly if you don't want to watch the show just watch that it's fun I whisper with so much shame hey listen you can't watch everything there's too much content everywhere I literally can't even like get through one show. But that's because I watch 100 hours of reality TV every single week. Wait, what are you into? Tell me about this.

I love Salt Lake City. I love New Jersey. I love Beverly Hills. I mean, like, that's really, I've been working a lot lately. I just finished shooting. And so when I was like shooting, I couldn't watch anything. And so I'm kind of behind on lately. I just finished shooting. And so when I was shooting, I couldn't watch anything. And so I'm kind of behind on everything. I love Love Island.

I freaking love. I've started watching on Netflix, Young, Famous, and African or something. Oh, I saw the trailer for that. And I was like, I think I'm into this. And I didn't follow through and watch it. But now I think I'm going to. It I didn't follow through and watch it, but now I think I'm going to. It's wild. And everyone has so much money.

Everybody has so much money. And everybody is giving you exactly what you want. And the wigs alone. Oh, my God. The wigs on these women are absolutely divine. I love a wig. What a treat. I guess I will.

I will get into it you know i was gonna get into beverly hills because kathy hilton is iconic and i can't remember who said it but they're like everyone's acting like it's all hunky dory and then there's a beat and she's like who's hunky dory in a perfect delivery no notes notes. I loved it. I'm so obsessed with her. They also like, I also got really into Paris in Love, which was on Peacock,

which was Paris Hilton's wedding planning show. It's a reality show about her getting ready for her wedding. And Kathy and Nikki are in it. And it also features

Paris's husband who kind of just looks like a frog man oh like he looks like a skinny frog um he he kind of seems like he could be attractive just in the way that like man with hair can sometimes just like work. Man with hair. Now I got, oh, interesting. Carter-ium? Carter. Oh, yeah, that's his name, Carter. And he has most- Elton, I must stop you.

His mouth is so wide. I know. No lips and the teeth are so big. And the lips, the teeth are a lot and tiny. And the mouth is wide and no lip it is truly incredible i mean you've seen him before but this mouth the mouth is insane he kind of so loud and then he has dead eyes he talks like this a little bit he's like paris p paris p p he calls her p paris i want to get to know the real paris that's what he always does i told paris i already got to know the real

paris and then okay are you like are you doing a bit is this i mean it's not a perfect impression, but I think it's like an... P, P, P. What I'm doing is the vibe. P, P, we gotta go. We gotta get ready. We're late. We gotta go, P. P, you don't have time. I love an endearing nickname. I don't know what I'd want mine to be if I was, you know, with a person, but definitely

not P. Yeah. P sounds like pee pee definitely not pee. Yeah. No. Pee sounds like pee pee, like urine. Yeah. No, it's not cool for me. Not for me. Sudi, do you have a significant other who calls you a nickname?

No, I'm single. Single. And she's ready to mingle. Or is she not? Maybe she worked too much. I'm out here mingling. I'm trying to mingle or she not maybe she worked too much no i'm i'm out here mingling i'm trying to mingle i'm trying to mingle i done had been mingle okay um i'm i'm all actually this is like kind of the first time in my life that i've actually enjoyed being single this much oh and but my medium my medium just told me that I'm

energetically done being single and that my partner is coming. So I'm mingling for the partner. I love this. She's incredible. And she talks like this, honey! How did you find her? My friend got me a gift certificate. My friend Mo got me a gift certificate because her mom goes to her she said she said to me she said to me that my spirit guide looked kind of like a hobbit

your spirit the spirit the spirit guide that was talking her. Is this woman good or is she funny? No, she's good. She's good. She like knew everything that in my head. I was like, I need answers about this. She hit them off. One, two, three, four. Like this, this, this, this.

And I mean, it was amazing. She said to me that I was energetically because she's talking, she's medium, she's talking all about energy. She said, energetically, I'm done being single. And she said,

you're going to have it all, sweetie. And by it all, I mean the white picket fence. And she said, I mean, meet someone, date.

This is literally because she also records the session. So I have the cadence and she goes, meet someone, date, move in, get married, have have children and that sounds like very normative but guess what it's what i want it's what i want one day it's what i want one day doesn't have to be now but i want that one day you want the white picket fence the husband the children how many kids do

you want two two do you want kids do you want? Two. Two? Do you want kids? Do you want kids, Nicole? As of now, no, but that might change. I don't know. I used to say I want them. I wanted eight children. I picked out all their names.

They had insane names like Starlet, Jade, Rosemary. That's the one that really sticks out in my mind. That's good. Oh, my God, I can see her. I can really see her. she's very loud and very cute but yeah i wanted like eight and then i became an adult and i was like maybe one and then i hit 30 and i was like oh no thank you i don't want that that's wild like i nannied and i was like i don't want to wake up to like a little eyes staring at me being like, mommy, mommy.

And I'm like, don't my name is Nicole. Like, I don't want to be called mommy. All of that stuff. I'm kind of like when it comes to kids, when people are like, oh, it's I'm all like, la, la, la, la. Don't tell me that. I don't want to know. Like, I know that I won't be able to, like, have my freedom and I know they're're gonna wake me up in the middle of the night and i know that they're gonna be insane i don't want to hear about that part because when i see the baby's leg i want to eat it and go in there and

just go and i literally see kids kids not even like little babies like like straight up like nine-year-olds on the street and i go oh like it just that is just the i mean i should not be putting this out there how hard i have the baby fever but honey whoever you're gonna attract because you're gonna have it all honey you're gonna have it all so you put it out there you put it out there that you want it whoever might hear it might want it well you know if anybody's listening i can pay for the kids so like yeah like don't worry i truly have uh i think i've uh i've gotten up to 12 there's like 12 or 13 straight men who listen to this podcast and all of them have shown themselves in my instagram dm so thank you for letting me know

that you're straight and you listen but i think i'm up to 12 or 13 now um and they i think they're all in relationships so that's amazing you're gonna have to find a gay man who's friends with the straight or a lady who's friends with the straight to to relay the information that you are out here looking and you're down to fuck because you gotta get one dumped in you to get a baby it does not have to be a straight man okay i'm not discriminating oh okay it can be anybody truly anybody we love anybody we love anyone cool we love anyone cool i love this that's how i feel anybody cool that's a nice i'm looking for nice now nice as opposed to what were you looking for before? I wanted somebody to wake up in the morning

I roll over and they spit in my face and go you're a fucking idiot. No I'm kidding. I just Yeah I'd be like you round face idiot good morning. No I thought that's what your kid is gonna do. You round face

idiot you're my mother get up and make me eggs don't tell me that nicole i want to eat the baby leg i mean baby legs are so juicy and so cute but i guess i was just like i didn't mind if someone was how you say mean to me or rude to me i'd be like oh it's okay whatever you are still around you know that's not good my sister and i like to it was like the summer right it was like two years ago so it was like the summer of post pandemic i mean like the first summer pandemic or whatever and my sister and i or maybe it was like whatever timeline doesn't. And my sister and I, or maybe it was like, whatever. Timeline doesn't matter. My sister and I were on the beach and we were both single. And we were both like, it can't be that hard to just find a nice man.

Let's just find a nice man who will love us. Like, it's not that hard. And we were just sitting on the beach. And then like two months later, my sister and I were like both dating very nice men. Oh, that's nice i love it you put it into the ocean and the ocean said the tide will come in the ocean said honey honey um okay so is your sister still with the man that she manifested no okay that's okay people come in and out of our lives yes and my therapist once said she said every relationship is a good one because it teaches you it's true it's true

and also relationships have beginnings and endings you know all relationships and i think that's like i've had a lot of relationships i'm also like a i break up with everybody that's my problem oh it's like i'm i'm a breaker upper you're the one who does the breaking up i've never been dumped wow i've only been dumped i refuse to get out of something toxic these idiots oh so you're like the one like i'm i'm a writer i just don't know how to stay i just don't know how to stay well i mean it's not like you're leaving because you're like this is great gotta go obviously like you know things are going on right no exactly like my last breakup the person very correctly said well i think relationships take work. And I was like, yeah, but I don't really want to work on this one.

So fucked up. So fucked up. You said that. I mean, here's the thing. In the moment, I was like, ooh, that's a gut punch. But after I digested it and was like, that's nice and honest. And if someone said that to me, I'd be like, oh, okay. Yeah, that means I shouldn't be with a person who doesn't want to work on this.

Because it is work. Well, I think that in that situation, I just didn't feel like we were right for each other. But I also think that that is sort of like a false. That's a false notion of somebody being like right for you. You know what I mean? I think you got to like really what you should do is like there needs to be a couple of key things that they got going for them that you're like, you're nice. You bring me meats and cheeses. You know what I mean?

And then everything else you kind of. yeah, you got to work on them. I mean, I don't know why I'm saying this because I never take my own advice, but I'm not energetically single anymore. So no, you're in your energy. You're done being single. You are manifesting somebody to come to you. But I think you're on to something where it's like. I don't think anyone's really like meant to be. I think you meet someone that you get along with enough and then you try, you work on it.

Like you just keep working to be together, I think. Yes. And I also think that like there are, I probably know like five people that, like, could have been my partner. But, like, not, I wasn't even in relationships with them. But it's, like, people you meet, like, people I met in college, I was like, what was I freaking doing? That could have been my husband. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I think that that is sometimes how it works, where it's, like, I feel like people didn't tell me really early enough to, really kind of try and lock a good one down yeah i mean i guess i feel like they tell you when you're youthful or whatever to be

like so you're oh it's like live live a life independent boss bitches just like live but yeah it's like you could have just been like i'll live but also like for somebody. I think that I had too many feminists in my family. And I overcorrected where I was like, no, I'm not doing anything for a man, bleep, blop, bloop. And then it was like, well, I had a couple good ones that kind of slipped through the cracks because I wasn't really thinking pragmatically. And now I'm like, interesting.

I'm seeing kind of where they live, kind of the lifestyle, kind of the jobs, the baby. And I'm like, OK, that's good. They did good. But then like on the flip side, I hooked up with this dude, I guess a decade ago now. And like we had this like whole flirtation where I was like, maybe it'll happen. And every time I'd visit New York, we would like see each other and like hang out or whatever. And he just had a baby.

And I was like, damn, dude, you look weathered. And like kind of sad. And I was like, maybe I dodged a boat. Like you just seem sad and old. Yeah. But he's definitely younger than me. I'm sure you dodged well i mean i think that anybody who doesn't treat you like the precious jewel that you are

they can go fuck themselves that's why i think you thank you so much wait are you on dating apps wait before we get into that, let's take a break. Oh, we're back, Sude. Are you on dating apps? Yeah, yeah. I'm on Hinge. I'm on Hinge. I'm on Raya, but I don't, I have no luck on Raya.

Fun fact about Raya. If you delete it enough times, so like if you finally get approved for Raya, then you're like, I don't need it. And you like unsign up for it. And then you sign up for it again. They'll be like, hey, you've signed up and unsigned up too many times. You got to reapply. Raya thinks it is the most special app in the whole wide world. And I'm here to let you know. Fuck you, Raya.

It also like used to be like the thing that was, know, fuck you, Raya. It also, like, used to be, like, the thing that was, I thought the thing about Raya was that it's, like, it's for people that are, like, doing things and blah, blah, blah. It's, like, you know, waiters are on Raya. I mean, no shade to waiters, but it's just, like, unemployed photographers. Like, how many people are raconteurs? Wasn't it supposed to be, like, unemployed photographers? Like, how many people are raconteurs? Wasn't it supposed to be, like, industry people?

Like, the entertainment industry? That's what I thought it was. But then it was just like, oh, it's just like a lot of DJs. Which I guess is the entertainment industry, but I don't know. I saw a Raya profile where the guy's profession was magic trick inventor. I had a Raya profile where the guy's profession was magic trick inventor. Yes. And I smashed that like button and I did not get a match.

I did not get a match. You better work, my king. Sleight of hand? Sleight of hand? Dexterity? Honestly, if I didn't match with a magician, I'd be devastated. I love magic. I think magic is a treat.

I can never figure it out. I am always bewildered and befuddled so i met this this magician um he did it i was sort of nailed it and he did this like magic trick that didn't air where he ate a kernel of corn and then pushed it through his skin and it came up through his eye. And I lost my mind. I was creaming everywhere. I said, use my buttermilk cream for your cake. I was so wet. I couldn't believe it. I was like, and he's got a wife and a kid.

But like, I was so horny for this corn that came out of his eye. Suti, I love magic. You're horny for magic. You're literally horny for magic. You don't just love it. You're horny for magic. You're literally horny for magic. You don't just love it. You're horny for it. I'm very horny for it. Like the magic castle, I have to wear a long dress. Who knows what might fly up from between my legs.

Can you imagine getting fucked in the magic castle? If I got fucked at the magic castle, whoever did the fucking would never be able to disappear on that's one trick they would never be able to do i would just be there i would be so clingy i'd be like more magic please like just imagine a magic trick while you're getting fucked like that is delightful oh my god he pulls the coin from behind your ear and you come.

You're like, ah! I would. Or, like, before we even start, he pulls the condom from behind my ear and he's like, hmm. And you're like, why are you wearing that? Hey, this should be on already. He's like, oh, sorry about it. Watch as I plow. Just in i plowed yeah i fucking love magic so i'm sorry you didn't match with that magic person it's fine i mean the apps are hell i really i'm also my uh my my my

medium told me to be light and breezy about dating so that's my new thing is that i'm light and breezy like the other day i went on a fake date that was a 6 p.m. coffee. And the whole time I was like, I'm being light and breezy about the fact that I'm going to have like a cup of tea at 6 p.m. I'm being light and breezy. I love that you called it a fake date. One. Two, whose idea was it to get coffee at 6 p.m.? Well, this was my thing was like, well, OK, this was so many strikes by being light and breezy and so i'll say all of this with the light and breezy attitude about it it was not a date which is fine i thought it was but it wasn't oh these were maybe my my clues um

a coffee but that's okay i feel like people in la guys in LA do a coffee date. Yes, which I think is insane. People in New York are like, let's get three glasses of wine at 8 p.m. And people in LA are like, a 3 p.m. oat milk. And I'm like, all right, okay, I'm being light and breezy. Light and breezy. I'm being light and breezy. It was there. It was far away from where I live. um it was there it was far away from where i live and um it was yeah it was at 6 p.m which was like not the time for coffee and then it's like well then why aren't we getting dinner or

getting a drink and then it's like oh it's not a date but the whole time that oh and also he was like where should we go and i was like you pick like, you want to take me out? You fucking pick. I could write a book. Wait, so did you meet them on an app? No. Oh, okay. See, that's like the curious thing. The curious case of, is it a date?

Especially when you meet someone, not especially, but like when you meet someone in person and you're like, let's go out. And you're like, okay, are we going out? Are you trying to pick my brain? Or like, this a network thing? What is it? And then you're like, oh, yeah, no kiss, nothing. We just literally had a cup of coffee and went about our business. Because I could be, like, pissed about that and, like, put, like, energy into that. Or I could just be like, okay, yeah, that kind of sucked. Moving on. I'm going to be out in these streets this weekend. I went out. I got wasted two nights in a row this weekend.

Kind of, like, not really about the coffee. But it was a little bit like, I'm out here and experiences are being had. So but like so like I feel like the apps are hell. And and, you know, I feel like you have to pretend to be a true idiot when you're talking to people on them. But now I'm like, that's OK. Light and breezy. I will meet my partner through the computer. That's OK.

Whatever. Light and breezy, baby. through the computer that's okay whatever light and breezy baby i mean i love this attitude light and breezy because i'll go on a date and then think about everything that happened on that date for like days and be like was it me was it them what did i what did we what are we what are we doing but were you when you get like that are you thinking about stuff you did because you like the person or are you just thinking about the date? I mean, usually on a first date, I don't like you. Yeah. I don't know you.

I also have walls that I love putting up. I think of myself as a house and there's four walls and a a roof and you gotta figure out which door or window i'm gonna let you open to get in which is bad but i have learned to just like guard my life because i don't i don't know i don't trust people like i don't know what you want from me yeah i mean you have a lot that people are trying to get baby so that makes sense yeah and i don't know it's i just had a bad experience with an assistant i hired an assistant i guess i shouldn't get too too into it but it ended up just blowing up in my face in a way where i trusted that person and they did something that like really wasn't okay and and now i'm just like oh god this is gonna like bleed into like dating

now where i'm like let someone into my life life and then I have to worry about whether or not I can trust them. Yeah, it's really hard because on the one hand, you want to protect yourself and you don't want to be like naive and you want to protect yourself from harm and damage. But on the other hand, you don't want like the course correcting to be so intense that you kind of end up fucking yourself. And that's kind of how I think that is sort of I mean, this was a low stakes non date. But like, I think that I sort of made the mental choice to like not let the experience like be more than just like an annoying thing that happened. You know what I mean? And I think that that kiss and frogs, you know what I but it's hard it's hard and also like people are weird and people are people out here too like i just moved to la from new york and like there's a lot

thank you so much welcome to los angeles we love a coffee date in the sunshine. Go for a hike with me, please. I'm kidding. I'll go on a hike with you. I would never go on a hike. I don't do it. I hate hiking. I hate hiking. I hate it so much.

It's awful. Wait, did you move here for, I love that for you? Kind of. Our room was virtual, but it was on West Coast time. So I was like, I was planning on moving anyway, because I was I left SNL last season. Oh, I didn't know that. Congratulations. Thank you.

I mean, that sounds like an insane thing for someone to listen to. Like, I left a job. Congrats. No, it's just like that. Just it's a step in your career. That's like you're, you know. It was great great and now that chapter is done and i also like i think you know i was so obsessed with that job and was so committed

to it and it was hard a really hard decision to leave and i think that i was so afraid of fomo like on a saturday night in new york that I was like I'm gonna move to a new city I can't possibly be in the same city where I had that job and what if everyone's hanging out I'm looking at pictures I could I could be there if I hadn't left I could be there exactly and also like I don't really want to like go on the same train that I took to work every day you know what I mean I just like really needed that like clean break i didn't even really want to be in the apartment that i like did like snl at home in you know what i mean i just was like we gotta we gotta kind of new chapter this whole thing

no i get it the job is so it's like intense and it's a lot and you dedicate a lot of time to doing it so it's like yeah let's start fresh, new, in a sunny place. And I say sunny, and the sun has not fucking come out today. No. Well, I wouldn't know. I haven't left the house. I've just kind of been sitting on my couch burping white wine. I love that for you.

I also have not left my house today, but I was not burping up white wine. I didn't know I did have a drink last night. I had a Miller Lite. I don't know why I have Miller Lites in my refrigerator. Okay, jock. Okay, kind of high school, kind of baseball team. Yeah, man, we just had a great game. I got a slam dunk and slid into a base and I had my beer.

Okay, state school. Wait, what did I say? Slam dunk. State school. Wait, what did I say? Slam dunk. State school. Yeah, you got to slam dunk. I don't mean that in a pejorative way. I just mean like, yeah, state school. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Uh-oh. She heard a word she don't know. What does pejorative mean? Like bad. Now I'm nervous. I didn't use it right. I think it means like negatively.

Oh, okay. I just refuse to be the person who goes through life. Just be like, I'll just ask if I don't know something because I don't know very much. No, you know everything. You're so wise, Nicole. What you don't know in pejorative, you have in wise and radiance. This is what I do because you do voices and so i feel i'm a voice person like on the first season of shrill ad and i in the room were like all the time and then like these like harvard guy writers were like you guys do a lot of voices and we were like

oh you guys don't do that sorry you don't want to talk like this right now but so you're you're you're so so now i'm going i mean i left a voicemail for a friend where all i did was go hi for almost two minutes and then every 15 seconds would start laughing uncontrollably and they go back to me this is a voicemail this is a voicemail i leave insane voicemails for people so sheer um i think has kept most of the ones that i've left her but we played one on best friends where i was just like where are you are you in atlanta and are you gonna be fucking tonight and then i laughed i'm just like insane all the time but honestly i can't wait for wait what was your daughter's name? Starlight? Starlit.

Starlit Jade Rosemary. That's going to be her exact attitude when people read her name. She's going to be like, it's Starlit. Well, that's going to be how you talk to Starlit. You're just going to be like, good morning. She's kind of laughing. She's like, my mother never communicates with me. She's never once said anything of value i don't know how to speak she kind of can't speak english she like simply school she's like a little behind because she's just she's so behind like a minion

oh my god have you seen the minions movie movie? No. I haven't. Is it good? It's one of my favorite movies. I watched it. I laughed. I was like gleefully having a good time. Told Sashira about it. She was like, I'm not interested.

And then we were flying somewhere and I was like, hey, the Minions movie is on there. Do you want to watch it? She was like, no. And I was like, I think you should. It'd probably be great for our relationship. She was like, no. And I was like, I think you should. It'd probably be great for our relationship. So she started watching it.

And I, without headphones, watched her watch it. And when she did not laugh at parts I thought were funny, I would tap her. She would take out her earphones. And I'd be like, but wasn't that funny? She was like, no, Nicole. I was like, OK. And I just kept doing it.

I don't think she made it through the whole movie, but yeah. Minions freaking slap. Banana. I love them. Banana, honey. And also, I love me, the despicable me. Give me a cute baby girl saying it's so fluffy I'm going to die. Come on.

That's gold. I mean, yeah. I love Minions. i love despicable me i just saw two movies that i have no notes on actually i do have notes so i saw turning red loved it actually no notes my notes on the batman i saw the batman it was three hours long could have been longer that's That's my note. I loved it. I love that. I have not heard. I haven't gone. Well, also, like, I, like, have not in a relationship with a straight man right now. And so I'm not going to see those movies. I would when I was at SNL and go see everything because, like, you know, you're going to talk about it.

But, like, I'll even, like, realize, like, I missed the I watched the first Spider-Man. And I mean, the Tom Holland Spider-Man. I watched the first one and then I watched the most recent one. And then I missed the middle one because I was like, oh, a single then. So it didn't go. That's how I missed an Avengers movie. Kind of. It all sort of hit, you know.

That's so funny to be in a theater and be like, why don't I get what's happening? Oh, because I was single. Because I was single because i was single i literally googled when i had when i was home catching up on spider-man i had covet over christmas and so i was like i'm gonna watch spider-man movies and then when i'm don't have coven i'm gonna go see the good one that is out but i like literally in the middle of it like missed something and then i googled like did i watch avengers infinity war and there was an article that was like kind of took me to where i needed to go and i was like i did watch it that is so funny that you could truly google did i watch this movie and something

will pop up that's like here's my op-ed on how i did not see that movie but here are the things you need to know for other movies no it was literally like it was almost as specific as like how to remember which avengers movies you've watched like that is so fucking funny i googled recently i so i fart in my sleep allegedly and allegedly allegedly a friend said that's what happened and i was like rude um another friend said i sleep face down sometimes with my butt in the air and guess what we're all just having a nice time but i googled how do you stop farting in your sleep and it literally was like chew your food i was like this is embarrassing that article is fake that's just how your gas wants

to get out i'm a i'm like a big uh uh i farted in my sleep one time and i woke up because of the fart because i was with i was sleeping in the bed with a romantic partner and i farted and then i got so scared about the fart that it woke me up and then i jolted up and then the person woke up and they were like are you okay and then the person woke up and they were like are you okay and i was like i had a bad dream um i had a bad dream go right back to sleep uh don't don't smell anything please no the loud ones are never loud ones never smell that's what people say but i feel like i feel like they are all really stinky and i feel like that was someone trying to make themselves feel better it was like oh it was so

loud it didn't smell because it was so loud well i think it depends on the type of fart but sometimes i get those farts that are and again i'm energetically not single and so i will talk about my farts because i'm being light and breezy kind of. But I love those farts where it's just like, oh, that was air. That was just like air that was in there. And it sounds like one of those like doorstopper things kind of being hit. And it's just like, oh, yeah, that was just air in there, honey. That's so funny. I once farted in bed with a lover and it was like a sheet razor fart.

It was just like I felt like a cartoon because i was like falling asleep and as i like you know you get like a little more relaxed yeah and it was like and i was like oh no and then i like woke up and then i like trying to figure out if i had woken them up i think i I did. And I think because it was a one night stand. I think he was just trying to be like, you know, I'm not addressing it. Yeah. I mean, that's the way to go. That's the way to go. I'm big on no farting on purpose in front of somebody like romantically.

No farts. Try and I mean, farts happen. Burps happen. But try and not like let them rip and also no peeing or pooping with the door open no peeing next to me no shitting next to me those you got to keep the mystery alive and i truly believe that i truly believe that. I truly believe it. I mean, stuff happens. Obviously, stuff happens. And it's normal.

And it's normal. But do not be sitting next to me on the couch and rip one. Sir. Yeah. That's a no. I don't think I've, like, casually farted in front of, like, someone I was dating. Yeah, I think I keep all that to myself. Yeah. But you'd be surprised like how much it comes up. Like I'm, I have these talking points

ready because I've had to have this conversation. And also when I'm in a relationship, you have to say these things to men though. Like, I mean, at least I think you do. I also like tell people that I'm like big on like smells. Cause I'm like shower. You know what I mean? Like I need you to shower like when you smell good. That's going to be important for me. So I'm kind of always just sort of like telling the people that I'm in a relationship with not to fart or to shower. So I don't really know why I'm single. At what point are you telling them

hey it'd be really hot if you showered is this like when you like the first time you're like you don't smell good and you're like hey i'm really like sensitive to smells like how do you bring that up i feel like i the most recent time it came up I like expressed that when they just come out of the shower and they like smell good how like hot I think is that is and it's true I loved like somebody just showered like let's fuck I love that because then you can just put your mouth

wherever you want and you're not thinking about it and you're like bloop bloop bloop bloop you know sex is is nasty and that's okay too but I like I like clean and um and then i think that he got the head was like so i should have you know just kind of just like oh no i'm stinky you gotta tell somebody when they you gotta tell a man when he stinks you have to real quick we have to take another break

okay i went on a date with a man this is years and years and years ago and i know i've talked about on this podcast but he smelled like a dirty dish rag i hate that smell me too and it was like visceral i was like oh my, how do you smell like this? Like, were you wet at one point over and over and over again, but never toweled off? It's old clothes. It's like old clothes that aren't washed. It's also probably like an old towel. Yeah.

Ugh. I hate that smell. No, I think that it is. Also, some people just have more body odor than other people. And that's OK. But if it's because you're not washing like just people have just different standards. People have different cleanliness standards. And like if your body is coming into one time in college, I had a boyfriend tell me that he didn't believe in soap.

What? I had a boyfriend tell me that he didn't believe in soap. What? And I had had like a freaking yeast infect, no, a UTI for like the entire summer. And then I like look, this is so disgusting. I like look at this boy's fingernails and I'm like, those fingers go in my pussy hole. You gotta fucking wash your hands. so you just don't fucking know that's why you have to tell men to shower i am absolutely so wait he was just like rinsing his hands he is covid he's

patient zero what do you mean you don't believe in soap i mean i will say he was like so dumb and like 21 at the time. But like, you know, it's like it's like there's sometimes like this attitude. I think like specific. I don't want to generalize, but like specifically from men were like there's an attitude of like, well, that's made up. Well, that's not. Well, no. Like I had a I had like a partner be like, I'm putting on like all of my like serums and stuff. I'm doing like my nighttime routine, putting on my retinol.

And he's like, yeah, it's all snake oil. And I'm like, well, no, it's not. Retinol works. It's not. It's expensive and it's real. Wait, what's your longest relationship? Three years. Damn, that's a long time.

Okay, here's a weird random question, or not random, but like, for me, three years seems like an eternity. So like, after you break up, do you still talk to them or no? Well, I don't like to talk. It hurts too much. It's painful. Like, obviously you check in after. And I think that in some relationships I've met up with people after or like gotten a drink or gotten coffee or whatever to catch up. But it always just makes me start. It just always is really painful for me.

And I usually and maybe this is cruel of me, but like I usually like, yeah, don't like to talk to them but it's really fucking sad it's really fucking sad and that is something also that my medium told me where there was an ex that i like really you know really regretted breaking up with and you know he was in a relationship and she told me she was like don't that relationship is over she was like don't think she was like don't look him up on social media when you think about him like banish the thought and i literally now if it comes up in my brain or something will remind me i'll have the thought of no that relationship is over that's good like why torture yourself yeah and i feel like sometimes people stay friends with their exes and i'm like why i think some people want that person still in their life and but i for me that's just too hard

and also i'm kind of like i got a lot of friends and like my friends are like really funny and cool which is like maybe part of the reason why we broke up because he wasn't as like fun as my friends yeah i just think it'd be painful to be friends with someone that you like loved some people can do it but i really like it just it hurt too bad it hurt too bad it hurt too bad and i don't like feelings too like i don't like some people like i was like dating a poet for a really long time like very sweet sweet man but this man was good at having like a sad feeling he was good at it like he i wouldn't say he like welcomed it but he was not afraid of like being sad being emotional in those ways like and i really compartmentalize and like banish. And so like, for example, I think that he still, you know, would love to like talk to me more. And we do chat sometimes, but like I can't really like go there all the time.

Like I can't go there. I feel like he would want to keep talking to you to like mind you for poetry, you know, to be like, oh, I talked to an ex and the break of dawn has dusk scampered i don't know i don't know fucking poetry he never wrote me a poem when we were together and then when we broke up i got one and a half poems one and a half poems i'm not sure that the second one was about me but i think part of it was because this is also the thing is that I was um dating this poet and I met all of his poet friends and they were all like so fucking legit and like great and this was their life's work and they were like amazing at it and I really had to pretend to get a lot of poetry like really really pretend to like really understand it and i kind of would like beat around

the bush with him a lot and be like so like when you read like the line like what are you looking for like and how many times do you read it before you're like, ha, that's what it was? I never got the answers I needed. That's really funny. I love that so much. Wait. Okay, Sudie, what's the worst date you've ever been on? Oh, the worst date I ever went on was with this guy who, okay, I'll just cut to the good part so he was kind of like um it was a hinge

date or maybe even tinder and he kind of was like a bit of a like fuck boy vibe like not like a guy i would normally go for but i was on the date and he was like hot and i kind of just like wanted to like have sex with somebody and i kind of knew because he was fuck boy that like he would be like down to smash so we go back to my place and he says i'm into intense sex okay and i was like what does that mean yeah and then he slaps me in the face so you know i'm laughing because it wasn't like a violent slap it was like kind of like a hot kind of like grab a face and it was like not it was like in the moment it was you know these things are all about i mean they're not all about in the moment i didn't receive it as like I was more just like shocked. Yes, but I didn't feel unsafe for whatever reason.

I didn't feel unsafe, but I was shocked and I he was like, what do you think about that? And I was like, I would potentially be down for that with somebody that I knew better. But because I don't know you and we just met, I kind of like want to have like more normal straight up sex. Mm hmm. And he was like, OK, yeah, I'm down for that. He like totally received and was like, got it, got it, got it. So we have sex. I've already like emotionally put a lot like I've kind of put up with like this whole evening kind of leading to this moment.

I'm like, mama just needs to get laid. Yes. We have sex. He literally two pumps and he comes mr intense sex i'm into intense sex i want to slap you around he's just like to pound town and boom boom bam wow does not like go down on me does not like try and like rectify my situation so then he's kind of like laying on me and i'm like can see his like back and like neck i don't know why we were like cuddling after which is so fucking now i'm thinking that that's like fucking weird. And he like turns to look up at me and he says, sorry. And I think like, oh, he's going to like apologize for like, you know, maybe there's like some something weird there.

He's going to like explain his situation to me. And I'm like expecting like the apology because sorry, I have this big, weird bandaid on my back. sorry I have this big weird band-aid on my back. And I looked down and he had this like giant note card sized band-aid on his back because I guess he has like a back problem so he has to get like shots in his spinal cord. And I was just like sorry I have this big weird band-aid on my back. That's what you're apologizing for. You slapped me in my kitchen and i let you fuck me you slapped me in my kitchen that's truly so wild i hooked up with this dude that i met on like a rooftop of this place in new york and like we went down to my hotel room and we were hooking up and i was like

hey can you go down on me and he went oh man and i went okay i mean you don't have to excuse me he said oh man and i and then you were like oh well please Like, what do you say after that? I just went, I literally, I said, okay. And then I sucked his dick. And then it was like, eh? And then he was like, nah. And then we did, like, have sex. And it was so unfulfilling. It was truly.

How are you out there with that attitude? I don't know. How are you out there with that attitude how are you how are you out there with that attitude like just suck it up and pretend like you like it like just at least do that at least do that i mean even if you don't want to you could be like yeah a little bit and then if someone said in a little bit i'd be like oh okay and then and then later i'd be like oh wait is it a little bit now you know what i mean like that's a that's a way to confuse no you're if you don't want to i don't know i mean okay i don't if you don't want to like you're i kind of feel like what

are you doing here kind of i was like and i like sucked your dick so like but then i guess that's like a bad way to think about things it's like well I did this you do that but I just I don't know it's mutual pleasure it's like you're trying to get each other off the oh man is what got me and also if you're in my hotel room please be at least

open to that if we're fucking if we're fucking if you're gonna fuck me you're not gonna put your mouth on my fucking pussy yes please suck on my pussy but also i think i've never had somebody deny deny but i do think that i one time had a lover tell me that you can tell if somebody likes it and that's what makes it good and i really believe that i really like looking back i'm like when they like it it's so much better because you can tell and now even though i don't love i mean i guess some people love going down on men i don't i don't relish it

but i try and go in with the attitude of i fucking love this because i'm like i think psychologically like you really have to set an intention before you go down on somebody i think you're right you gotta give that dick your good energy you know you gotta give it the juju um i personally love sucking dick i'll suck dick till um the cows come amazing i love it there's just something about that's amazing i like the power dynamic where it's like i'm down here and i'm looking up at you and i could stomp at any moment but i won't so yeah i i it. I also like it when they're really into it and then when they make noises. Oh, my God. I need noises.

I need, I cannot do like a silent waspy fuck. I need a grunt. I need talking. I need a full script. I also, I like, I like when a man moans. Oh, yeah, who doesn't and sometimes i'll be like oh even if i'm not feeling like like not feeling it the talking will like really push me over the edge yeah because you're just like we are all loving this everyone's having a good time yeah i think

like you have to kind of like speak it into existence you know what i mean yeah you have to manifest the good time energetically energetically energetically we're fucking energetically i mean yeah i've truly just been going to town on myself i have a bunch of sex toys i have a traces dog i got my Hitachi magic wand and then I got my little G-spot vibrator and I have a nice time and I pretend that there's somebody there and it's wild. It's lovely. Sudie, I'm so horny right now. I can't.

Because I just did a magic trick. It seems as such. Maybe I'm in love with you because you did the magic. Oh no! The listeners don't know but I was doing sleight of hand that whole time you were talking and you just got so and i was like oh no where did the card go sudi okay i want to hang out with you yeah let's not go on a hike let's not go on a hike let's like have the most fun um sudi i okay So I used to ask all my guests this

and then I like stopped doing it because I was like, I don't know. Maybe I've grown out of it, but I haven't because I really genuinely want to know. I really want you to. Would you date me? Would you date me? I would date the fuck out of you.

I would wine and dine you and take you to meet my mama. Oh, I love parents. I thrive with parents. I bet you do. I think it's because I don't have any. They did. So I go, oh, hi, older person.

Do you want to take care of me? And they do. And they say, okay. I'm so glad you asked the question because I'm a fan of the pod. And it's kind of like, if you hadn't asked me the question, I kind of would have feel like gypped in a way. Well, I'm so glad you asked the question because I'm a fan of the pod and it's kind of like if you hadn't asked me the question I kind of would have feel like gypped in a way well I'm sorry I didn't

want to do that to you and I love it yeah I I'm bringing it back I stopped for like a couple months and then it just didn't feel good and I was like I gotta bring it back so yeah I brought it back with you and one other person. I think I did it once. I don't know. Whatever. Whatever. We have to fucking get out of here before I start rambling some more because I'm enjoying my time with you. I love that.

Suda Green, where can people find you? I am at Suda Green on all socials. And what do you want to promote? sudy green on all socials and what do you want to promote well uh i love that for you is out right now on the show showtime it's the show that i wrote for and it's very funny and so people should watch it i'm excited to watch it jeremy um i can't say his last name bleeber byler byler it is spelt like bieber, but with like an L in there. So I'm always like Blyber. Belyay.

Jeremy Blyber. Yep. I'm friends with his husband and I was like, why didn't Jeremy put me on that show? He was like, Nicole, you can't just stop it. I was like, okay. But yeah, the trailer looks so funny and I love vanessa bear i think she's so funny she is a a gift from god she's one of the funniest women i've like literally ever ever met she is so fucking funny in the show and i'm gonna say season two inshallah starring nicole byer

we gotta get you in there i I want it. I want it. Wait, Judy. Quickly before we leave, how do you do, do you use a diffuser on your curls? Yes, I do. I diffuse. I have,

I do a curl cream. Well, the thing that has really changed my hair is something called NuWash. I do a curl cream. I flip it and I diffuse. But this is kind of my hair is this curly so i you know it's not just the diffuser but i diffuse to get the volume and then the thing

that really pushes it over the edge is um living proof uh full dry volume blast which is like this crazy like hairspray that's almost like a dry shampoo. And it comes out like like it comes out like a T-shirt gun. Like it's so intense. And it like you just spray it at your roots. And that's really kind of the trick. Oh, I love this. This this is like going to help my curly haired listeners. I don't know if it's going to help me because I've got a fro going on that I'm really trying

to grow out. And it's been laborious. I can't see it kind of scooch down so oh it's cute you look cute you look cute you're my little starlet oh honestly thank you so much for doing this I've had a really lovely time um uh please be my friend I've been interviewing assistants because I need to get a new one time um uh please be my friend i've been interviewing assistants because i need to get a new one because um i had one it ended in in march badly but like i keep interviewing people and being like i want i want you to be my friend i might have a good person for you and i'll text you later oh what a dream yeah okay well let's see we did promotion stuff i asked you if you would date me okay we're at the

end so yay if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can review it on apple podcast if you write a review um that's nice but if you want to hit on me and say something absolutely filthy you can write it to why won't you date me podcast at Gmail dot com. And you can also give me advice or you can tell me a nice, fun story that's not problematic. And I will read it maybe. OK, so this person said, is this dirty? It feels dirty. Hey, Nicole, I would love to put my whole hand up your booty and use you like a little puppet.

You cutie patootie. Eat your vegetables. Have a good day. I'll say this. That was dirty. Putting your whole hand up any orifice of the body is fucking filthy. So thank you. Bye bye.

Thank you. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.