Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Fast n' Friendly Divorce (w/ Giulia Rozzi)

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

Oh boy, this episode is a juicy one. Comedian/actress Giulia Rozzi (Girl Code) speaks to Nicole about the struggles of being pregnant in quarantine, if she has any worries about raising a bi-racial child, and learning to not feel guilty about your privilege. Plus, Giulia teaches Nicole the best way to reach out to an old fling, and how to remain friends with an ex-husband. For more Nicole Byer, check out her other podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode. Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could jizz in a jar and I'll use it as wallpaper glue. Oh, no!

My guest today, you've seen her on Lights Out with David Spade. She's done a late night set on Conan O'Brien. She's been on Night Train with YXCinic. It is Julia Rossi. Hi. How are you? I'm fine. I'm good.

I'm here. Yep. I feel like that is everyone's response. I'm fine. I'm here. Yep. That's I feel like that is everyone's response. I'm fine. I'm here. Yeah. I mean, it's like you're I think we're all everything. I'm very grateful.

Yes. That I'm just sitting on my floor talking to you and not working outside. Yeah. It would be pretty awful. Yeah awful to have to work outside, like doing manual labor. Although I've been doing manual labor outside. I'm now a gardener. I've got a garden and I'm growing things. Julia, I think I saw on your Instagram today you were wearing this fabulous robe. Oh, the sequin kimono? Yes.

Yeah. I bought a sequin kimono during the pandemic. I had my eye on it. It went on sale. I've been wearing mostly kimonos around the house. I'm wearing a different one right now. It's like a sheer vintage thing. But yeah, I might wear it to the hospital when I give birth. I don't know.

It might be a little too much, but we'll see. I think it's just fucking enough. I love it. I feel like you would be the person to have like a birthing outfit. Oh, yes. I literally called my mom and sister today and I was like, now what's the dress code for birth? Was there an actual answer? I mean, my mom was, both of them were like, you know, you'll want to bring something to wear after.

So my mom would send me one of her like vintage little nightgowns or whatever, which is great. But both of them were like mostly just a vagina. Oh, yeah. Just bring that pussy. Bring that pussy, all the poop, all the blood, all the juice. Honestly, that might be the wildest thing about childbirth. You like shit in front of people you just met or maybe met a couple times through prenatal care and stuff.

And then you just like everyone's okay with it and nobody talks about it again. I know, it's like college it is so you are pregnant right now i am i will i'm i will be in my third trimester in a few days so i'm like seven months oh that's so wild how insane feels like a fake pregnancy because the last time a lot of people saw me i didn't really look pregnant and because the last time a lot of people saw me i didn't really look pregnant and i don't think a lot of people knew and then all of a sudden i'm gonna have a baby after quarantine and it's like okay julia like it does it's weird and no one can enjoy like my glowing skin and my thick hair you know it's it's there's worse things but i'll tell you it would be nice i'm

enjoying your glowing skin right now it's stunning it's beautiful i love it may i ask do you know what the birth sex of your baby is it is a girl oh boy. How fucking cute. I feel like that is perfect for you. I feel like this baby will be in sequined kimonos. Yeah. But then also, I feel like if you had a boy, it would be in sequined kimonos. Yeah, it would still be, it would definitely be looking good. I mean, it's such a weird thing with the whole gender because, like, whenever someone asks, you know, of course you have to say congrats after.

It would be weird if you were like, oh, but it is funny because I don't know if it's because of the energy in the air of backlash against men. But I feel like people are like, no, seriously, congrats. Like, yes, because you're not going to give birth to a little me too-er. Oh, yeah. I mean, you never know what she'll be like, but we'll see. She's like very aggressive. She's the next Louis C.K. Oh, anywho.

We're actually naming her Lucy C.K. Oh, yes. Lucy C.K. I love it. Has being pregnant during I mean, this is such a stupid question, but has it hard? Has it been hard being pregnant during quarantine? No, I mean, it it falls in the same category, I think, of people who, you know, had to reschedule their weddings or people missing high school graduation. Like, it's that category of disappointment where it's, you know, it's such a joyful thing.

And I think in some ways, I hope that like anyone that I've talked to about it or anytime I've posted about it, because I usually don't, I try to not post too much personal stuff, but I have been pretty open about this online just because it's like it's a happy thing and I hope that it is happy for it seems to be happy for others and you want to share that so it's a bummer in the sense of not being able to you know like I had all these like really cute outfits planned that were maternity outfits. And I want to like see my mom so she can like feel the baby kick. And like those parts are a bummer. And like my husband hasn't been able to come into appointments with me anymore. So like he's missing that.

But it's so it's that category of just like bummer. It's so it's that category of just like bummer. But in a way, it's also been kind of nice because I am really resting and doing so much self-care. And I'm in a privileged position where I can do that. You know, like I can take baths and meditate with my baby. And we're going to we're move. We're moving soon into a bigger place to a house. And so like- Congratulations.

Thank you. And like, we can take our time to like decorate and nest. And so, and I'm pretty sure neither of us will be working out of the house anytime soon. So we're sort of on a forced pre and post maternity leave. So, you know, there's pluses and minuses. I mean, I just keep I think with the whole pandemic, I'm in the category of like I have so much joy about my growing family

and so much joy again, like that I'm in a good. I hate using the word privilege, but just like I'm OK, like I'm not I have this pandemic pretty easy, but then I just also am an empath. So I'm okay. Like I'm not, I have this pandemic pretty easy, but then I just also am an empath. So I'm feeling all the like, we all are feeling like the trauma of the world. So it's just, you know, I, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if that was a very long, windy answer. I liked it. I also appreciate you saying privileged

because I don't think enough people who are privileged say it enough, you know? Like I'm very privileged because I don't think enough people who are privileged say it enough. You know, like I'm very privileged that I'm OK and I don't have to go to work every day and deal with the public and, you know, maybe bring something home to my house that makes other people sick like that is a huge privilege. And I think if more people acknowledge that, it's better. Yeah. I mean, I think privilege has had has gotten such a bad connotation, obviously, because of the Internet and because everything is a battle and you can't do anything right online. Truly nothing. We're all wrong and right at the same time. So I definitely

have also been just using the word gratitude a lot, like really every day, like when I meditate, I'm like, thank you for this. Thank you for this this like it's i'm grateful for my dog i'm grateful you know that we can afford groceries you know like there's so many but then it's weird because i've always gratitude and then i also have guilt because like you see the footage of people in line at the food bank and you're like this isn't fair so like that's the part of it i think is the most upsetting is like really learning to not feel guilty about your gratitude and privilege but acknowledging that i don't know i don't know what i'm trying to say but like yeah like you i don't know i want to just fix everything. I get that. I mean, I fully get that.

I want to fix it, too. I want to heal the world. Also, you know what's fucked up? I just learned that like people who make there's like a surplus of potatoes because I guess nobody's buying potatoes because you got to do something to them and people are just making pasta and they're throwing out potatoes that's yesterday i literally ate a bowl of potatoes what do you mean how were they cooked i boiled the potato and then i i guess it wasn't a bowl but i chopped up the potato threw it in a frying pan with olive oil and arugula and onions and garlic and i fried it up and I just threw it in a bowl and just laid on my sofa and put the bowl on my fat stomach and I ate potatoes. That sounds utterly fucking delicious.

No protein, no main dish. No protein for your baby. This will be a potato baby. I know. Well, my husband is also addicted to potatoes. So I'm very scared. Like, about a year or two ago, I remember breaking the news to him. I was like, I think you know, you eat potatoes at every meal. He's like, No, I have like hash browns for breakfast. I have like chips or fries for lunch. And then at dinner, I have, you know, like, a baked potato or mashed potato, you know, like a baked potato or mashed potato. You know, like it was like so many potatoes. When I was in high school, I would come home from school and my after school snack would be instant garlic potatoes. And you better believe I ate the whole damn box because nobody was home to save my friend.

That's a serving for a family of four. to say my friend that's a serving for a family of four when i would come home from school because i had a mom who was a housewife italian housewife um i did have somebody who could have stopped me but she insisted i eat either a large um microwave pizza alone or frozen instant fried rice like chinese fried rice with like the little packet of like just shit, that flavor that you put on it. Yeah. That's very funny. She's like, no, you must eat more. Yeah.

Yeah. So you are married. I am. How long have you been married? We got married in July. so less than a year. Okay. And we've been together, it'll be six years this summer. Wow, time fucking flies.

I know. How wild. I didn't realize you guys were together for so long. I didn't either. How did you guys meet? We met at a stand-up show. It wasn't romantic at all. I did not want, I was just looking to fuck people.

I had gotten out of, I had been married before and then to my college boyfriend. And then I immediately got into a rebound relationship with a pathological liar. That's a whole other story. Oh, no. And lived with him. And it was, so I was in like back-to-back relationships for like 11 or 12 years. Mm-hmm.

So when I got out, I was like, I have to be single. Like I have to really, again, I know I sound very privileged. I'm like, it was so hard. No. But I, I. But it's so hard to not attract men. There's just something about me. But I don't even think I think there's two.

I think it's, you know, you always hear the stories of like, it's so hard to meet somebody. But then you have the opposite, which is the people who are like, nope, I'm going to cling to you no matter if this is good or bad. I don't know how to be alone. I hate myself, you know. And so I was in that second category so I don't know if it was that I was necessarily just attracting men left and right I did not know how to exist individually as a human so um I was so when I met Will my husband um it was at a show it was just like friendly and then i don't know it was like five or so months later we we were at another show together he claims he was flirting with me the first time we met if he was he was real bad at it um and it was really cute uh it was really cute

because all of his material was about how he had never had a girlfriend. I'm his first. I actually am his first girlfriend. Really? Yeah. Like, I mean, he had some long term fuck buddies that thought they were his girlfriend, but never like a mom, dad, this is the one kind of thing, which side note, I hate that people call that a red flag. I actually think it's great because it means he didn't waste his time.

Oh. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I think it can be a red flag if you're constantly in relationships. Mm-hmm. You know? Anyways, so long story long, we're at another show together like five months later. Somehow, like, everyone leaves the show.

And, like, you know sometimes when stand-up shows go from show to like dj night yes so like we were there in that trading over spot and so we were the first people there at the dj night so we just like danced for a few hours and then i left and then we just kind of like slowly after that it turned into like we text we'd make out once like it was like it was the only time and this is inclusive of the other two relationship i had where it wasn't like a hookup that became a relationship there was like it was i mean it was only like a week or two of the dance before we like slept together but it was i don't know it was really cute like he was really nervous and like but he was he wanted a girlfriend i didn't want a

relationship and so i think that was like new for both of us and yeah it was just it was really um it was like it was a very sweet it sounds so sweet i love it yeah you i guess you would say you're a serial monogamous kind of. I mean, I wouldn't. It just happened to be that I dated my college boyfriend. He was great. I couldn't find a reason to break up with him. So I married him. And then when that ended.

I couldn't find a reason to break up with him. So I said, fuck it. Why not fucking marry this dude? Yeah. I mean, we've been together for so long that we were like, we're still friends. Like, he's a great person. And then literally like a month after we split, I started having sex with this guy in my acting class who before I knew what I moved in with him because I didn't know how to be alone. So that's so I didn him because I didn't know how to be alone so that's

so I didn't I don't know I guess when I think serial monogamous I think of people who have like a two-year relationship a three-year like I think of that okay I didn't want to have that experience like a huge problem in my first marriage was that the whole time I was like I should be single I should explore I need to get my numbers up like I was I was like, I'm, this is too, I wish I met you later. Like that whole kind of thing. So I guess no. Okay. Yeah.

How long did you date your college boyfriend before you got married? Oh, we dated for eight years and then we're only married for one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you said we're only married for one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you said you're still friends with him. How was the transition from being like romantic and being lovers and being married? How was that transition to being like friends?

Well, we were best friends for two years before we dated. Oh. And then fell in love. And then I would say a few years in, I started to get nervous because I felt like the friendship was still stronger than the romantic part. But because I was young

and I had never had a boyfriend before and I come from a dysfunctional family and he's this great guy, I just was like oh I'm stupid I don't know how to be loved this is what love is supposed to be like like you know like all that stuff like I I think a lot of people do this like I just my intuition was like I kind of want something else but on paper he had what what else could you want? Like,

I remember when I would talk to friends about this, like I had a few friends who I'm not really friends with anymore, but they would be like, wow, Julia, like you're really picky. Like you should be really happy that someone loves you. Like it's so hard to be single.

And I was like, oh, okay. So I just sort of clung onto him because everyone kept telling me that like, I'll never meet anyone as great as him. But my intuition was right like we just so i our it was a real natural like even while we were getting divorced it was we literally

went to a place called fast and friendly divorce please tell me it was a literal drive-through where they just like you ordered the papers and they hand you the divorce and I like a happy meal box. It pretty much. Yeah, it was. It was very easy. And then like I think we probably didn't really speak for like six months just to kind of have a little space and then just sort of slowly started like texting happy birthday, checking in. And like now he's married with two kids and um both of our spouses have met like we all had dinner once um years ago and so yeah it's pretty like he texted

me a month ago and was like julia this is the healthiest thing i've ever heard well even you know what it is is i just and i've trust, like when I was younger, I was not this clear about relationships. But I think, you know, all your that's why I don't believe in failed relationships. Every experience teaches you something. Oh, preach girl. Like, even with some of the bad experiences I had, like even with like the rebound liar guy, I still I mean, I wish it was shorter. How long were you with him? Five years. I know.

Five years. I know. Let years. I know. Let's get into this. I want to hear all about this fucking liar. But first, we have to take a break. And we're back. Okay, let's get into it. This sounds fucking juicy.

Okay, so you met him in acting class. did that should have been a sign and he was just and i apologize if there's anyone out there who's obsessed with every podcast i do i know you've heard all these stories but whatever it's my most interesting fact um so that's not true but anyways um he so he was the polar opposite of my first husband first husband very much a friendship-based relationship so what i always was craving was like a little bit more passion okay and as somebody who grew up the daughter of two Italian immigrants who love is screaming, breaking things, not sleeping in the same bed. I look to that as passion. I was like, well, but there's passion, you know. So I meet this guy acting class who is like I I I literally said to my friends, I'm like the next guy I date after my husband.

I want it to be like passion on steroids. I kept saying this phrase, passion on steroids. And like God got my manifestation wish wrong because the guy actually, he was on steroids. Oh. Like I, like I found out he was on steroids. The universe or God took it fucking literally. They're like, hmm, she wants a man on steroids. There we go.

He's passionate about his steroids. Yeah. Whoopsies. But he was also just very passionate about everything. And it was like, you know, he had immigrant parents. And so, like, we loved hard, but we fought hard. It was just like all that, like, juice that was missing from the first relationship and it felt more comfortable because of my childhood because of what you see on tv that are like i'll

die without you you know what i mean like yes it's really hard to figure out what i don't know it just it just felt more comfortable but then it very quickly didn't and then I was already like living at his house or his apartment and you know at that point I'm like well now I've been like divorced and I've already been in this relationship for so long like no one and he kept being like no one's gonna want you like he was like real yeah he was like real manipulative he's like you're just gonna do to me what you did to your husband i mean like no i had no time i was so vulnerable because i just like i kept being like oh i don't have any time i'm not allowed to grieve my marriage because i was the one that initiated the divorce but you have to grieve a relationship even if you're the one that left them or cheated

or was the bad guy like you know like you you have to because then you're going to end up making some bad choices. If you just jump into something else. So anyways, there is a lot. I mean, honestly, if we want to do a 300 hour podcast, I could get into every story. But it was like, give me the juiciest one. Wait, how did you find out he was on steroids before we get into the juice juice? Oh, well, there was a few different instances

and he always had really good stories. Like, I found needles in the garbage. Wait, did you initially think it was steroids or did you think he was, like, using drugs? Like, intravenous? Intervenious? Drug? Needle drugs? No, I didn't think it was steroids or did you think he was like using drugs like intravenous intervene intravenous drug needle drug no i didn't think it was needle drugs because he was pretty jacked and like he had he said they were like his ex-girlfriends because she had diabetes and then i found like a vial of liquid in the back of the fridge and i googled it and it was like it was definitely steroids and he was like no it's you know it's for my

whatever my headaches or like it was just a lot of stuff like that and then um it was everything like people are always like oh did he cheat did he whatever i'm like no it was almost worse because it was like everything from where's your money going it's going to steroids and like whatever else i don't know and then but then also things like hey did you mail that letter yeah well then why is it sitting in the car like do you know what i mean it was just like just lying about everything yeah and it was and it was i don't know i just um i got really wrapped up in that like but I know like underneath it all he's just like really broken and needs me and like all that stuff and I can honestly say like that I'm I am grateful for that relationship because that habit of wanting to ever fix a guy again

my husband my ex first husband didn't need fixing this guy did and pretty much everyone else a lot of other people I've ever had crushes on have um that that stopped like I was like no so when I got out of that relationship I was like I don't know if I'll ever date again I don't know if I'll ever get married again but like I just know that I will never let myself be that empty of energy again yeah i like that i think that's really helpful for people to remember that like it's better to be alone but he um he was a i'm doing air quotes singer he had a self-recorded an album um and um he was you know he was whatever

he was fine and i was singing while i was washing the dishes and he was just in like probably a roid rage moment and he was like, oh, babe, like, okay, you're not a good singer, okay? Just like accept it. Like, I get that you, like he's like, you can't, you know, oh, you do comedy, right?

You can't be good at everything. Like you're not a good singer. And I just was like, that was when I really was like, what is my escape plan? Like the lying I could handle, but it was stuff like that. And then he also like what is my escape plan like the lying I could handle but it was stuff like that and then he also like had a real hard time he started to have a hard time with my comedy like he was trying to like when he first met me he was in such awe that I was this like

woman who did comedy and I was independent whatever which I wasn't I was completely codependent obviously and um and then as we like as I started to seem like a long-term I guess wife material he really was like no you don't get to be because he he wasn't working you know what I mean and so he was jealous and projecting on you yeah I mean I guess but there wasn't even that much to be jealous of but that singing comment I remember after that relationship I was like because this is what I think happens with every relationship. You start to piece together things. Because I was like, okay, well, I want to have that friendship energy that I had in the marriage.

But the friendship energy can't be the only thing. friendship energy can't be the only thing. And I want passion where they care and they will express it, but not in a manipulative or mean way. And like me and that liar guy, like we weren't friends at all. Like you would never tell a friend to stop singing and so i really was like the next person i'm in a relationship if ever like i want them to be like loving it when i'm just like walking around the house dancing belting songs we make up songs together like i want to have fun with someone and like have that friendship quality but also want to have sex with them i get that i think that's absolutely what I want. I once fucked a dude who also thought he was a singer.

And once we had sex to his album, it was mind numbing. What kind of music? Bad music. There was a lot of like steel drums and he was white. And at parts he would be like wait wait wait like he would stop mid-thrust and go wait and then like hear that steel drum and start again and i just had to be like this is wonder this is for me i like this he was very bad god did he have dreadlocks was he a white guy with dreadlocks no he was a white guy with long hair. Oh, my God. Wait, so what's your dating status right now?

Oh, you better believe I am fresh, cute, supple, and single. I'm very, very single. And I was going to ask you this question. Okay, so, like, I was dating a dude, and I still like him, but he was like, I'm not looking for a relationship. And I was like, cool, whatever. But then we were going to hang out. But then the pandemic started. Oh, my God, my dogs are barking. Shut up. Then the pandemic started and we decided to just take a break and he hasn't contacted me. So I deleted his number because I was like, I don't want to have the number hovering around

in my phone when I'm drunk, because when I'm drunk, I love to send a long text with all of my feelings. But like enough time has passed. Do you think I should contact him and be like, how are you? I if you do make sure it's sober. OK. I, if you do, make sure it's sober. Okay.

And I'm not a big believer in the whole, like, they haven't called. Like, I think if you, I mean, I'm sorry to sound so cliche, but, like, it's like a gut thing. Like, if you and your gut are, like, I really am curious to know how he's doing, and i'm okay with whatever response comes out of it then text but if you are like i hope that he sees because we've all done this i'm gonna text and he's gonna be like wow what a great gal and he's gonna show up on a horse with flowers you know and like if if you're doing it because you think it's the move to get him to be like, wowie, wow, then don't. But if you really are just like, I want to see how he's doing and like maybe it'll open a conversation. Like if you can be OK with whatever the result is and have no expectations, then I say go for it. OK, I don't know if I have any expectations.

I am genuinely curious as to how he's doing. Also, I like miss talking to him. He was a funny person. Yeah, then I think I mean, again, cliche, but like honesty is without a shadow of a doubt, the most important thing. And that's for like all relationships, you know, like friendships, romantic, whatever whatever like if you want to know how he's doing ask how he's doing but the thing is i deleted his number and i don't and then i also deleted uh i deleted all of my matches on hinge and tinder and bumble because i was like after quarantine i'm starting for rash and then I immediately regret it. But then I'm like, okay, so like, what do I find him on Instagram and like message him on Instagram and then seem like I'm stalking him?

I don't know if that seems like stop. I mean, he could be listening to this episode. I told him not to listen to my podcasts. So you should name the episode his name. How are you, Fred um hello sir how are you please uh let me know um i don't know maybe it's terrible advice but like if you maybe think about it do you meditate i try very hard to meditate but my brain i would say is just a jar of marbles and uh even when i'm not moving they're just shuffling around yeah i understand i mean if you could just like sit with it and think about it and i mean if you want to send a dm like

i just think there's worse things that could happen i don't know i've texted people when i was told not to and maybe i didn't end up marrying them but i had nice interactions sometimes and sometimes they've been like oh it's so great to hear from you and other times they haven't responded and i had to be okay with whatever the result was. This reminds me of that song from Greece. There are worse things I could do. And send a DM or two. But then do I have to explain in the DM, I deleted your number on a whim.

And then I was combing through Instagram and I found you. I mean, I think I would just say I I didn't have your number anymore. You popped into my head. I wanted to see how you were doing. Here I am. How are you? Okay. You don't need to explain.

You don't need to be like, I was cleaning out my phone. You just say, I don't I don't have your number. Okay. I think that's good all right julia i'll honestly i'll give you an update and let you know please what i end up doing and if it went okay but if but i will say this though if if this person if this person at all makes you feel bad about yourself and if you feel like there was a brush off or anything like that then don't like do you know what i mean like if there's any

any bad vibes that he like dismissed you or discarded you like then don't okay i don't think he discarded me we ended with me like, hit me up after the pandemic. So I was the one who was like, what did he say? He said, OK. Yeah. Which who knows when that is? Yeah, I honestly this pandemic, it's taking longer than I thought it would. I mean, are people dating during the pandemic?

Oh, yeah, girl. People are doing FaceTime dates. They're doing Zoom dates. They're doing social distancing meetups where they, like, take a walk with a cocktail or they, like, park their cars next to each other and, I guess, scream at each other from six feet away. So, I mean, people are doing it. so I mean people are doing it I just for me the fear of getting stood up on a date where they literally have nothing else to do is like oh that would kill me but then also it's one of those things where I'm like what if I like create this like false intimacy and then when we are able to like touch there is no chemistry and then it's like not that I wasted time but it's like a

lot of build-up for nothing it's almost like really great foreplay and then the sex is bad I think it's really hard to not have good physical chemistry if your emotional chemistry is really good fair I mean I've had dates where I'm like this person was so funny they were so nice I think they're really hot and then when I sleep with them I'm like, this person was so funny. They were so nice. I think they're really hot. And then when I sleep with them, I'm like, something is not connecting. Yeah, you're right. I've had that too. It is such a bummer when you're like, butterflies the whole time on the dates I had that I had. I remember having like a marathon date with someone who was like, kind of like I start i don't know we just the date ended up going

from like drinks to like you know all over new york city till 2 a.m you know one of those nights and then we made out and i was like oh no like it wasn't it wasn't his fault or my fault it was just like terrible yeah sometimes you're like oh our bodies do not match together yeah yeah um did you propose to will or did will propose to you um i guess he technically uh we had been i should ask him what the story is. Because it was more like we had been talking about, oh, like, do we want to get married? Like, do we want to have kids? Like that, it was very casual kind of conversation. And then I was on the phone with my health, he has better health insurance than me.

And so I was on the phone with my health and he has better health insurance than me um and so i was on the phone with my health insurance crying and he was like we we should do this right and i was like yeah yeah it was sort of like that it was kind of like we worked it backwards and because also at the time we had been so for two three years we had hosted a podcast called Hopefully We Don't Break Up. And we would interview other couples. And some of them were married, some of them were dating, some of them were poly, you know, like we kind of did all of it. So I guess it was, it was kind of similar to this in the sense of it was us asking other couples how they make it work. And a lot of times we'd be like why are you married and why are you not married so we had a lot of conversations about marriage on and off the pod so him coming into

the room when he heard me on the phone with the insurance being like we should probably do this it wasn't like out of the blue and then like we went to a ring store and i was like you don't have to get me a ring he's like oh but it would be nice and I was like okay you know like it was it yeah I don't know it wasn't like a business transaction but it wasn't like a you know rose petals on the bed thing but it was very romantic in its own way yeah and sweet and like I honest I think that's very romantic that like yeah he was like if she gets on my insurance it's better for her and if we get married that's how we would do it so let's do it let's get married and let's look for rings i think that's so fucking romantic and i think it's really sweet that he wanted to get you a ring yeah and it was um it was also really nice because because i had had a wedding before

like big italian wedding and he will never wanted a big wedding so it worked out really great so we ended up it was just our immediate family and like we flew back to brooklyn and our families had never met like our parents so they met for the first time your parents met for the first time at your wedding yeah that's wild like our moms had talked on the phone and i think face they'd facetimed before because his parents are in chicago mine are in boston my sister had met his family um because she flew out but they met for the first time and so it was and we have an equal like we each have one sibling that's married with two girls two two nieces so it was like this even you know there was um so how many people is that there was 14 it was 14 of us and it was just like so intimate and sweet and like our parents just like had the like loved each other and um you know i don't know it was just really

and like not to get i don't know it's so my i come from an italian immigrant family who when i was a teenager interracial was not an option um and so to to see, to then see my family, like this new family that we created and this new openness, you know. And I honestly think because I had gotten divorced, that made my dad specifically kind of more open to who would be in my life next. Because it was like, I did all the things they wanted me to or I thought they wanted me to and they were like we never wanted you to do this we never wanted you to waste our money on a wedding that you didn't want to have I'm like oh whoops but I tried everything traditional like I tried to get married to the college sweetheart I moved back to Boston with him I tried to live in the burbs. Like I did everything.

And I was like drunk and miserable. And it was just really cool to see that like my relationship not only has been a good, I think, example of like a good relationship. But also that it like it made them more open minded to like you love whoever you love. And that's it. I really like that. And I think I think well, I think it's such a good lesson that it's like you can't live your life with for other people's expectations. You have to live your life the way you want to live your life. And being selfish necessarily isn't actually being selfish. It's kind of like, I'll worry about me so I can invite the right type of person to be

in my life. And then hopefully the people around me can accept that. And you truly do change, like you change the world by example. Like I know that 100%. Like yelling at people in all caps doesn't change the world. No. The truth is people don't change until something personal happens and you know like it's not until you have the gay grandchild or the the person who

got shot and you're suddenly against gun you know like that so if i just what was really nice is that when i first started dating will i had gotten to this point where I was like I'm I was 35 I um had already been married I had already wasted a lot of time with this dude that wasn't a good fit I had already in my mind disappointed like I had already like gone through everything so I was just so open like I like, maybe I'll be with a woman. Maybe I'll, you know, like I had no idea what I just was like, I just want to be, I just want to be with someone where I can be myself, but still be challenged when I'm being a piece of shit.

Yeah. I mean, you're truly saying everything that I fucking want. Can I ask you a very loaded question? Absolutely. And if you don't like it, we can cut it out. Are you worried about raising a biracial child? Oh, that's not too loaded.

It's not? I don't know. I'm not. I mean, I'm not thinking about it. Like, I think about it in that. OK, how do I? I'm not. This is why it's not loaded. It's like it's kind of hard to answer.

It's not. I'm not worried. I'm I'm aware that that's what's happening. Mm hmm. Will's brother has biracial children. Okay. And so I feel like, and some of our mutual good friends

have biracial children. So I feel like I have a pretty good network of people of both races, of all races, that I think will help me and advise me if there are any issues and I think Will and I have done a really good job because there was like you know right away we first started dating I was like I don't know how my dad's gonna feel about this and then my dad loved him and I was like whoa and it brought up conversation you know like and he also there's there's people on the black side of the family that were like, you're marrying a white girl.

You know, like it comes from both. It comes from fear. Like, that's all it is. And fear because you want your kid to have an easy life and you don't want them to have to deal with other people's racism and judgment. But we've been so open about this stuff from the get especially because i'll sometimes be like does this tweet sound like i'm a dumb white girl you know like i mean i literally keep myself in check uh-huh um that i think i think that if there are any issues that that happen we're pretty well equipped to handle it just because of our good communication so i'm not worried um i'm more worried about like the planet guns um uh how do i

how does breastfeeding work like i'm like more worried just about that i guess i'm a little worried about how to do her hair oh yeah but who knows yeah who knows what kind of hair she'll have that's the beauty of uh uh interracial kids and just black kids like uh and just kids actually just little girls little like every every little girl has different hair uh sometimes it's way different than your mom's and then like nobody knows how to do it but i'm like i i hope that i'm a pretty open person where that if i i don't know ever did something that what i mean i don't know like i'm open to advice about it any any callers no i probably shouldn't please don't give me any advice no don't open don't open up for people to be like no lady like this uh people on the internet love to yell i mean look the world is such it's i think it's gonna be a lot easier now than it was 15 years ago 10 years

ago one year ago you know like i know that's something like with I've definitely had people and I understand kind of be like oh bringing a child into this world eh you know like without really saying it you kind of know what they're saying and I've had that thought in the past I never even knew if I wanted to do this but the thing is I watched this wonderful TED talk with this scientist or psychologist, I can't remember. And he was like, I know it seems like the world is terrible. But when you look at the facts, like, we are way more progressive than we were before. Like, like, it's just that everyone has a microphone right now. So it feels chaotic. And everyone has an opinion. And and unfortunately people love attention and people who scream the loudest get a lot of attention and then you have stupid liberals who will like

retweet a right-wing racist and be like can you believe this person i'm like you just amplified their voice you know like there's a lot of that that goes on and but the truth is we are more progressive than we've ever been like there's we, it's never been so okay to like, see a little boy in a dress on the playground. I'm not, you know, I'm not saying everyone's okay with it,

but like, I never saw that, what, five years ago? Mm-hmm. I think you're right. And I think that's nice. I don't know.

And I think it's, it like brings me hope and joy that like, you know, 20 years down the line, everybody is fine with everything. It's so wild to me that people get so up in arms about shit that doesn't pertain to them. It's like you got to sit home and mind your business. I don't get it.

Like, I don't speak with authority on anything that I've never experienced. You know, like I just I try to be empathetic and listen. And even people I disagree with, I'm not saying I always do it correctly. But like, it usually is people that have nothing to do with the cause that are like, look at me. And I'm just like, cool. Where did you buy that t shirt that says, you know, gay rights? Did you get it at forever 21? where they use slave labor? Because you really need to think about it, you know? I understand that people get really frustrated and want to change things.

But, like, I also think that if you're going to have a really loud voice about issues, know what you're talking about, number one. a really loud voice about issues, know what you're talking about, number one. Yes. And also check yourself and make sure before you tell me how to act, you're acting correct. Because one of my biggest pet peeves

is when I see somebody write a long post, they're like, if you're a woman and you're not speaking out about, I'm like, nope. No thanks. No, I got it. Yeah, I I fully agree a lot of people don't educate themselves about topics before they're like here is my hot take yeah which is probably I'm sure

somebody will find something I said on this podcast and be like actually oh I can't wait honestly my listeners are pretty okay and I feel like I only get corrected when I say something real wild. And they're like, Nicole. Like I am one episode. I was like, where's the Internet? How does it work? And then a lot of people gave me a lot of links to help me understand where the Internet is and how it works. And I'll tell you something.

I'm not a scientist. I still don't understand it. We got wires under the ocean. How come sharks don't eat them? Oh, I don't understand faxes and electricity. I just know a light bulb lights up because of a piece of filament

and I don't know what filament is. But I just, I still don't understand phones. No, I don't understand Zoom. How the fuck do I see you? No, are you real? Am I real? Is anybody real? Julia, I have a question.

Yes. How do you think I can not better myself, but some practices I can add to help myself be more available and open for a relationship? Oh, well, I think, okay, not to go back to meditation, because I know that sounds very like just meditate and everything will be great. Like, that's not what I'm saying. But and when I say meditate, I just want to clarify, I don't mean you have to sit cross legged, and like breathe a certain way in a certain hand position i even mean like lay in the bathtub and not look at your phone for an hour or you know what go for a walk tech free like i think the more i know you're already alone but i mean like disconnected if

you can have really make time to have disconnected alone time, because I think right now, more than ever, like we're saying, so the same way we get fed all this information about like activism and politics, you're also getting fed a lot of stuff about relationships. Like, you know, think of all this stuff you're bombarded with online. Like, it's a red flag if he's never had a girlfriend really my husband's fine um it's you know don't sleep with someone on the first date it's like i know people have gotten married after like you know what i mean if you can sort of remove any of that generic one size fits all advice generic one size fits all advice and go more inward and be like well what are like the must haves okay a deal breaker they have to think it's fun when i sing around the house deal breaker like they have to um not call me names when we fight like you know like jesus kind of come up with these deal breaker things and i think that i don't want to say it's magic but i do think it kind of energetically

sorry to sound like such a witch but it does kind of energetically open the door to some of a better fit does that does that make any sense i think it's the same with like i think it's the same with career like think about i don't want to speak for you, but I think, like, as comics, right? Like, a lot of times people go into comedy and they're like, I don't know, I just want to be a comic. And they're like, okay, but, like, get more specific. Yes. So then someone starts doing stand-up more. They start writing more.

Then suddenly they get a phone call for the job. Like, I'm not saying it's like make a magic potion but i think the clearer you get the more like your requests can get answered um so that's one thing um another thing man i mean again it's to sound cliche, but like a thousand percent honesty. I think no, like if you like someone, tell them you like them. If you like want them to call you, you tell like I just think no bullshit game playing. I it's never worked. I've never heard of someone being like, I waited this many days to text them back. And then I lied about this.

And now, you know, that year before I met my husband, I was like, I'm going to be as blunt as possible with people. And it was very surprising for people. But it got it became like a new habit for me. I like all of that. I think all of that is super helpful. And I think I'm going to make a list when we're done with this podcast of my deal breakers and things that I want. Yeah. And I think also really like the thing about deal breakers, too, is because I've had friends like I have a couple friends. I have two friends right now who are in long term relationships who are like, yeah, I just feel like i really want i'm really missing this for my relationship and i feel like you know i should just shut up and be happy and i'm like

no like you have to listen if there is something that seems silly that you want you have to listen to that you know like it's not silly if you really if something that's really important to you is that they I don't know. I can't even think of something that's dumb like love dogs. OK, like then that's important or that they want to take classes to get something like those things aren't silly. I agree. Yeah. Julia, I ask most of my guests this i think i've only missed three of my guests but would you date me i would what is it now with these cute little buns in your hair yay well we have come to the end julia is there anything that you want to promote well i don't know who knows what the state of the world i mean obviously there's not a lot going on

right now um you can you know follow me on the socials to see what i'm up to i do every Thursday host a little style talk show from inside my closet on Instagram Live. Instagram did give me a development deal. It's crazy. They did not. But so if you want to watch that on Thursdays at 430 Pacific Standard Time, it's just a fun little show where I interview comedians and people in the fashion world about style and feelings. And then, yeah, you know, just find me online and watch and read and enjoy my stuff and take care of yourselves and be nice and all that good things. I love that.

If you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it. You can subscribe on iTunes. You can rate it five stars. And if you send me a nasty come on hitting on me, I will read it. I think this is one. Okay. I would strip you naked and put you in a hot tub of hot melted butter. I would use a giant robot in the shape of a giant dildo with arms to pick you up and use your butter-soaked pussy as a

cooking brush to delicately apply melted butter between layers of a croissant pastry. While the croissants are in the oven baking, I would dress you up dominatrix style for some BDSM fun, and in the fantasy, you would play a sexy dominatrix French chef, thick French

accent and all, and I would play a sexy dominatrix french chef thick french accent and all and i would play a cold bowl of clam chowder and oh i guess cook a cold bowl of clam chowder and you would yell at me and whip me and tell me how disgusting and soupy i am oh this keeps going when the croissants are done baking i am fully convinced that i'm a disgusting dirty cold bowl of clam chowder i'd lay you down on a giant platter and put your pussy in the freshly cooked croissant screaming oh nom nom nom is good shit an absurd french accent while munching on the croissants and gently serving your goddess pussy while fapping like a flag caught in a gust of wind. As we both reach a climax,

I would yell, still in a French accent, there's too much sugar in this buttercream and cum so violently that you fly off the platter and crash into a wall like a cummy snow angel. Hoo-wee! That was a journey! Wait, and this person's single too? I don't know.

It was sent to me in a DM. They didn't say anything about being single or anything. But what a wild thing. Yeah. Croissanton. And then I call him dirty, disgusting clam chowder. This is very, a French accent? How wild.

What a treat. Thank you so much for being on, Julia. Thank you so much. Okay. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.