Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Filming Sex Scenes (w/ Casey Wilson)

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

Comedian Casey Wilson (Happy Endings, SNL) chats with Nicole about shooting her recent sex scene, exchanges crazy nannying stories, and shares how she met her husband on the set of Happy Endings. Plus, Nicole matched with her Nailed-It camera person and things got weird. Follow Nicole Byer: Upcoming Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though I could take my shirt off and you go, ew, yucky titties, I would say, oh, you'll like them one day. Anyway, my guest today is an actress, a comedian, and a screenwriter.

You've seen her on SNL, Happy Endings, Black Monday, and The Shrink Next Door. She co-hosts the podcast Bitch Sesh, A Real Housewives Breakdown, and then she got a new book. The Wreckage of My Presence is available now wherever books are sold. You better believe I'm talking about Casey Wilson. Hi, Nicole. I'm so happy to be here. I'm happy that you're here. I adore you. I think you are so fucking funny. Oh, you're so sweet. Thank you. Thank you. And I love your book, I'm going to say right off the bat. It made me laugh. Oh, thank you.

When you were talking, sorry, about being in the alien bathing suit. I'm like, that really got me good. It's such a funny, great book. I cried at the end. I love it. It's so good. Thank you.

You're welcome. I really tried to make a very tongue-in-cheek book where it's like silly, but then also maybe you feel a little bit yes but it's not like here's a lesson baked in but you walk away with a little lesson that's what I want people to walk away and just go I learned a little but I laugh my head off it's so thank you wait when did your book come out my book came out May 4th and I am excited about it. Similarly, hopefully it's just funny, but also a little deeper subject matters, Nicole.

I gotta read it. I've been trying to read just a little bit more because I feel like I've gone dumb. Me too. But I like essays because it's just like you can pick up one and then either never read any more again. And I'm fine with that, too. Or read half of one or read all of them or read half. They're little bite sizes.

That's what I love. I love a little bite size thing where you just jump in and then you can jump in again six months later. Ten years later. Yeah, it's fine. Yes. May I ask? Yeah. What room in your house are you in?

Okay. Great question. I'm in my guest room. Around me is just complete chaos and filth. And I turned on a little light for you, but I'm doing a show where I need a deep tan. So weirdly, my bottom half is dark brown. My face is translucent white. I didn't notice until you showed me.

But yeah, you are very, very tan. And then do they tan up your face for makeup? They tan up my face. And I just filmed, I got to tell you this really quick, a sex scene. I'm 40 year old. Mom of two. It was so thrilling. And it was comedic, of course.

I'm like, can I get a real one? Like, let's, you know, but they're always like, you're the funny one. And so, but my, I don't know if I should be saying this. He's a very lovely guy and actor and I'm, I feel about, he's wonderful. But there is something of note about my co-star in this sex scene, Nicole. He was portrayed by a lovely man named Sam, Britney Spears' current boyfriend. Cool. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. He's got a body. Yada. Yada. He's got a body and he's such a sweet guy and so nice that it felt, you know, I'm like, all right, I'm 40 and I'm

getting I'm getting somewhere. And I'm sure a lot more sex scenes are to come in my day. Wait, is that that's not your first sex scene, is it? I've done like, they're lying down and then like it cuts to black, you know? Like, I haven't gotten where I wanted to get, which is like, I can step out of my marriage legally. Like, I want to be feeling things. I want people touching me. Like, I want a lot more. You know?

I want a lot more. Yeah. I've never done a sex scene. I don't think. Not like one where I'm like riding someone or someone's like riding me. Yes, that's the way we had doggy style. We were really flipping it. I'm just going to start. Nicole, I'll just give him a last name too. Sam Ascari. Go on. Oh, okay. Oh, you guys were doing like doggy. You were doing different positions? Yes. There was flipping. There was moving. He was really funny actor too. Again, you know, so I had to get tanned up. I'm

like, I need, I want to be looking good, you know? I love this get tanned up I'm like I need I want to be looking good you know I love this I can't wait to see this I've done many a blowjob scene you have wait how do you do that well he's sitting usually and you kind of make a production about going down because that's what they'll keep. That's where the work is. The craft. Yeah. Where you're just like,

and kind of like wiggle your head as you go down. Like I got something for you. And then where do you go? Like camera wise, like what happens then? The camp, usually they'll cut to him, go,

Oh, and then that's it. Okay. So you're just like dipping down next to him yeah so i like it it's never been i have filmed my head going up and down and i know that the top of my head is going in and out stop but they've never kept that they're like okay wow i don't know why i feel like i'm titillated and I'm feeling every feeling right now. Yeah, I haven't been blessed with one of those scenes. I see it in your future. Thank you so much, Nicole.

Is this wallpaper on your wall or is this, it looks like tile. Yeah, this is wallpaper and that's a little curtain. Oh, okay. It looked like tile for a hot second and I thought you were in a bathroom. You're like, are you in a laundry room? No. This is a little. You're like, are you in a laundry room? No. This is a little wallpaper. I like it. And a chair I've been sitting in for a year.

This was like a random chair I got at a flea market, and my husband and I were like, we didn't know that chair would be our office and our bedroom. I mean, I don't think anybody realized the furniture they had was going to get as much wear as it's gotten. Yeah, this seat is really soiled. Yeah. Yeah. Have you gotten vaccinated? I got my first one. My first one.

And two is pending. I volunteered with the city. I know people have feelings about it. But one of our actors on the show, I'm not got COVID. And we had to quarantine for 14 days. And I was like, I'm going to get this from our sound gentleman. I was like, I'm going to try to try to get this first one because I'm on set. And so I'm feeling good, but you know, it's not, I'm not out there. Yeah.

I got my first one on, was it Thursday? Oh, how do you feel? So I felt fine until Friday when I woke up and I was like, I'm the most tired I've ever been in my whole life. Better sleep for a while. So I slept for a very long time and then woke up, watched RuPaul's Drag Race. I'll tell you how long I slept. And then now I feel fine. That's a dream day.

You're like putting an end to a global nightmare and watching RuPaul's Drag Race all in one. Uh-huh. Yep. And there's still 20 queens left. Do you watch Drag Race? They're going through the season real slow. I'm in and out of Drag Race.

It's one of those things where you're like, I know this is coming for me in a way that will take over my very existence and my soul. And I need it. But then you're almost like, I'm not going to go to it yet because I know what it will be for me. If that makes sense. just know that it's March now.

I don't know when this episode will air. It probably still won't be done. It started January 1st and it's still, there's like seven or eight Queens left. It's kind of wild. Okay. They're dragging it out. They're dragging this drag race out.

Yeah. wild okay they're dragging they're i hate dragging it out they're dragging this drag race out yeah the uk drag race started after season 13 and is finished before season 13 that is how many episodes are in season 13 are we in a pandemic during drag race yes they did a whole pandemic special stop so they like stopped the season showed the pandemic special and then got back into the season and i was like i mean what a treat to see how you did it during COVID but like tell me who the queen is who's gonna win I need to know enough about your swabs who won have you do you watch Real Housewives of Atlanta at all or Dallas so I used to watch Atlanta I think I watched the first season but since I've only seen the season with boat or not the season the episode with bolo because it's a standalone episode you don't need to know

anything that's what i was asking i was just gonna ask you to please just watch that one it is so it's such a good episode it's the finest episode of television it really kind of uh i like how it pushed do what you want sexually and it doesn't matter like as long as you had fun everyone consented do it it was a dream and then only kenya more is like trying to track down and investigate who did what so kenya nobody wants that we're having fun here nobody nobody wanted it she's jealous i think i think. I think so. I think she was obsessed. She went to sleep early. I think so. But seeing Portia,

Portia's my favorite, like, reality character, I guess person, not character, on television. I've been involved in a campaign to get her to replace Nicole Kidman in the Lucille Ball biopic. And Portia, to see her with, like, a face shield on, watching a stripper, and then do a comedic, like, slide down a couch a couch sexually is one of the greatest moments of my life.

It's very funny. All of it was so funny. And then them getting on a boat and just being kind of like hungover. These women are queens. It is so funny. My favorite franchise is Potomac. Oh, it's the best. Yeah.

I love those women. Karen Huger. There's, I think it's season three. Her wig starts sliding off and she goes like hold on hold on hold on i bought her perfume i it doesn't smell great nicole i did a live show with danielle where i took ladam's perfume i call her ladam and i want we wafted it with huge giant industrial fans across the audience in largo and someone left. It's strong, you know,

but I think it's for an older gal. God bless. You know what I mean? It's like something my mom would douse herself in. Yes. I truly think it is a treat for a woman of a certain age. Yeah. If you are a little younger, it's going to feel heavy.

It feels a lot like, like what is it? White diamonds that, uh, Elizabeth Taylor. Yes. Yes. That was in my house at one point and i would constantly spray it and be like this doesn't smell good does my mother wear this and i don't think she did but she just had it yeah my mom used to have a chanel like knockoff and i would watch her which you can imagine like the real one strong the knockoff stronger and then just watch her like go up and down

like you would with Bath & Body Works like body spray, just like hitting every crevice. And I was like, I'm going to throw up. But I love LaDom. You know what? Look, I want to show you something right here. Do you have LaDom with you? No, I have Robin's hat.

Ugh, Robin's hats. They sold out. She refused to feature Karen on the website. Karen didn't take great photos. But you know what I did, Lauren? I didn't know this. Did you know this about the silken side? Oh, so she made them for Black Lady.

That's absolutely right. Or I guess anybody who wants a protective thing for their head. So actually, I'm like, oh, it's actually kind of a great, not invention, but there's more to it than meets the eye. Yes, yes, yes. More to it than these canvas hearts, these camo hearts. It's cute. I love a camo heart. It took five months to get here. And Robin

wrote several times a lot of communication from her back and forth. And finally she says before Christmas, hey, she's like, I'm going to be honest. These hats are nowhere near coming. And she's like, however, if you really need it by Christmas, let me know and I'm going to try. Like, let's distinguish ourselves from everyone

that's ordered people that really need it and people that sort of need it. That's so funny. Imagine being a person who's like, I actually really need this hat. I did say that. That was me. I wrote, I really need it. I wanted to give it to Danielle for Christmas. I need this hat. I need it. It's very funny. Real quick, can I, so you're married. Yes.

How long have you been married? I've been married for seven years. Okay. How long did you date before you got married? One and a half years. Why'd you giggle? Well, it's shorter. I mean, it's not the longest amount of time anyone's ever heard of.

Yeah. I feel like that's like pretty normal. You date for a year, you date for maybe a year and a half, and then you get married. And then you get married, yeah. And then we had a son pretty quick. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wah-wah. You have two kids, right?

Yeah. Two little boys. Oh, that's cute. It's cute. I was a nanny for a while for only little boys. And I had one little girl once and I prefer the boys. You did. The little girls were a little, the one little girl i took care of she was just like just harder it was so much harder she was like uh she wanted to talk in a way where i was like i don't have time to talk to this little person who doesn't make any sense even though i'm being

paid to talk to her i don't have time you gotta pay me a little bit more if you want me to communicate okay is this in la you did this uh new york and for a little bit when i first moved to la i was uh babysitting and auditioning on lots where i didn't understand that i had to get there early because they were going to make me walk a mile talking about you fox fox over, Sony. Ooh, Sony is another fun one. That's a no. Where they're like, park right here. And you're like, ooh, what a big, beautiful parking structure. And they're like, all right, you're going to walk six miles to the opposite side where there's another gate you could have driven in on.

In heels. And then you're going to stop and get yogurt on the way out. I was a nanny in New York. That's why I asked. That was my job, too. Oh. I was a nanny in New York. That's why I asked. That was my job too. Oh, it was like a pretty sweet job. The people I nannied for were like, rather chill with my audition schedule. And they were like, yeah, bring them if you want. Wow. That's pretty nice.

They were very, very, very good to me. That's nice. That's really nice yeah i had a nice family too girls are although the you know those new york kids that are only children there's like a kind of i don't want to say weird but they're like precocious in a way that i don't love oh yeah they grow up super early because they have to get on the trains at like three and they know how a metro card works a metro metric card works. And I'm like, I'm from Virginia. Oh my God. Yeah, this one girl I babysat for, God bless her.

I would give her a bath at night and she would just take her Barbie dolls and just jam them vigorously in and out of her vagina. And I'd come in like, ah! And I just didn't know what to do because part of me is like, is this fine? Is this bad? You know, I don't want to make her feel bad. That is a shitty thing because it's like not your kid.

And then you want to like encourage, you know, sexual fluidity or like expressing yourself. But you're like, this is not my kid. And what if the parents are like, I don't, you know, and she's like, Casey came in and saw this. I just was like, I don't know what to do. So I'd be like, hey, that's all I did. It'd be very funny if like one Saturday morning she was like, Casey lets me jam things right up inside. And it's like, uh, what? And it's like, well, I didn't want to stifle her creativity. That was where my head was at. I was like, okay, this is bad. But well, I was in high school babysitting and the dad was super

creepy I did not like him and he was like creepy with me and I was like pimply and round but whatever uh I would like how to put the youngest one in the bath because the oldest one took a bath before I came I don't know it was always so strange that I had to bathe the youngest one but never the older one and like I put him in the bathtub the first time and I went do it and he was like one and a half maybe two and he just stared at me and I was like oh do I have to do it and he didn't understand what I was asking so then I was like so I just like splashed water on him and then I was like clean I just did it I was 16 and I was like do you bathe a child?

But now I know, yeah, you have to because they don't know how to do anything. They don't know. But then it's like, I was always like, am I getting in there? You know? Yeah. Here's a question about kids. So kids are inherently dumb because they literally don't know anything when they're born. Yeah.

Did you ever get frustrated to be like, why don't you know how to do this? Yes. I'm still so frustrated with them. I feel bad. I'm like, I always feel bad. I get frustrated and I don't like to really play a lot, which was also a downside of me as a nanny. But I do get frustrated with them.

I feel like I'm always hurrying them along all the time, which I feel bad about. You know, it just feels makes me sad sometimes. Like, I'm like oh I feel like I'm always hurrying them along all the time which I feel bad about you know it just feels makes me sad sometimes like I'm always like come on they're like we're just trying to like put our shoes on like but I do get frustrated yeah I think that's a frustrating thing about kids and you do have to hurry them along because they're always like what if I play with this one last time before we leave the house and it's like I don't know you can't you we it's like, I don't know. You can't. We have to leave. And I don't want to be with you anymore.

We have to drop you off somewhere else. We have to drop you off somewhere else. I need to hurry you for you to be with someone other than me. Come on. Yeah, I mean, this year I truly feel for parents because there is no somebody else during a pandemic. It's been a tough year in that sense. And obviously I'm not, you know,

I've never been a beacon of relatability, but I will say like, I obviously had it as well as you can, but it was fucking hard to have two little kids like just trapped in the house all year, basically. Yeah. I don't know if I could do that. I would,

I would probably be one of those people that's like, open the schools. Who cares who's vaccinated? Just open them up and we'll take our chances. I'll wear a mask at home. Just open them up. That's what I did do. My little guy was at preschool and everyone's like, you're sending him back? And I was like, yes. I am.

I mean, I would do that. I was like, there's a mental health component here, too. Yeah. At a certain point. And I am like on the edge. I've upped my Wellbutrin. There's no more up to go.

Like you're at the ceiling. Your doctor's like, Casey, actually, no one else can get Wellbutrin. You have all of it. You have every single prescription. We can't give it to anybody. You've drained the supply in Los Angeles. And then she had to throw like something else in there. She's like, we're going to put you on.

And this is a tough, like, God bless anyone's on it. It saved my life. But it's a tough two words to hear initially. She's like, so I think we're going to need to use your Welbutrin, which again is the dose they give elders because they need a higher dose. And then she's like, and we're going to throw it in with a mood stabilizer. Okay. No, I mean, I'm no judgments judgments but it's just i was like okay so i need to be on everything and more stable still yeah when i went to my psychiatrist and she just let me like free talk for a couple minutes and then she was like you have severe ADD she let you free associate for a sec and I was like I feel

like I was set up well it's funny because when I took have you ever may I ask been on well Butrin I have and I'll tell you something I quit taking it because it made me not want to smoke which is an insane thing to do it's an insane

thing to say. Yeah, fully, fully insane. Love it. Well, it curbs like apparently like obsessive addictive behaviors, which I have so many of. So it did. I kind of liked it. I apparently you don't like it for that fact,

but I also makes you focus. And so I told her, I'm like, oh my God, I'm focusing so well. And she's like, oh yeah, you know, a side byproduct of it. If it makes you focus, you have ADD. I was like, oh, my God, I'm focusing so well. And she's like, oh, yeah, you know, a side byproduct of it. If it makes you focus, you have ADD. I was like, oh, OK. OK, great. around. I'm like, wait, I used to live like this. How did I ever get a thing done? How did I do it? Yeah, well, we're all we're onions, you know, that we are. We are getting older. Peel back those layers. Is that a quote from Shrek? Doesn't someone in Shrek say that he's an onion? I don't know.

I don't know either. But real quick, here's what I know. We have to take a break. And we are back. Okay, Kiese, who proposed to who in your relationship? My husband proposed to me, but I, and this is not me trying to bring up my book, Nicole, but I do have an essay about how I'm much more into my husband than he is into me, which is not like

what you always hear. Like, I am wildly into him, and I think he's like, I like her. But it's not. Wait, even now you think that? Now it's gotten a little better, but I had to chase him to such a pretty sad degree that I'm like fairly confident like I'm not you know sometimes I have confidence dysmorphia we're like I'm amazing and and I think wait you think that's a dysmorphia

that you think you're amazing no no no just when no. Just when I was little, I was like, wow. I don't know where this came from. Like, I was like, okay, I'm blowing everyone away. It was like an ego out of control. But when it came to him, he just wasn't really, I had to chase him and I had to do crazy,

like a lot of things you don't want to have to do. And that sounds dark, but I just really chased him. And so, you know, sometimes dynamics get set up where even if I think he is, I mean, I would hope he's into me, but sometimes, you know, I'm still kind of like, will he call me back? Even now when you're married, you're like, will he call me back? Yeah. Sometimes we're lying in bed, you know, like we have, we'll

have headphones on, like watching separate shows. And I'm like, he's not talking to me. And I also like, I hate him. to me. And I also like hate him. So it's fine. I love it. You know, after a quarantine, you're like, I hate this person so much. But still I'm like, did he notice me? That is so funny

because I think I'm like you where I'm like, will they ever call me back? Do they love me? Okay, please love me. And it's comforting to hear that it's never going to go away. Even when I have somebody I'm going to keep wondering. Yeah. And I think I will say this because some guys I've dated, that's where I'm like, oh, you're just a friend. I don't feel that like I feel like we're just pals, which is great, too. But I didn't feel that. And this was kind of

the first time I was like, oh, wow, I really like this person to where I am like, yeah. So we have been married a long time. I'm certainly comfortable around him, but I definitely, I think, have stronger feelings. Fair. I feel like most couples have that where they're like, oh, they like me more than I like them or I like them more than they like me. And I think that's healthy. Somebody has to be like the passionate one. Yeah. And I think it's like 51 49. Like, I don't think it's wildly unhealthily out of whack, but so many women are always like the trick is to find a man who thinks you're a queen.

And I'm kind of like, maybe I'm competitive or I like a little danger, but I'm like, he might leave me. I like a little danger. Yeah. Well, like when you're married, you are just kind of like, okay, this is, you know, this is it. How did you guys meet? We met on Happy Endings, the show I did. He created it.

And so I just auditioned at Sony. Oh. Got a yogurt after. Wait, where are you getting the yogurt? The commissary? In Culver City, they have a yogurt shop. You haven't been to that yogurt shop with all the toppings? I don't think so, no.

I have one. It's so unexpected. You're just like wandering along and then you're like, is that a yogurt shop? And then I thought it was like for sets, like a fake one. Someone's working there. And that's like my treat to myself after, you know, getting your hair done and going out there. Yeah, so we met on Happy Endings. I was dating someone else.

And then we started dating like about a year and a half later. Oh, okay. Two years later. Yeah. That show's a good show. Very underrated. Thank you. I think so.

I feel like people really like it or they've never even heard of it ever. I found it one day. I was in my room living in New York City. And Hulu was a relatively new thing or maybe had been around for like years and I'm just like slow to adapt to things. But I was on Hulu and then I was like, what is Happy Endings? And I put it on and I was like, what? This is funny. And then I watched all, I think, what, two, three seasons?

How many seasons did you guys do? Three. Yeah, I think it was all three were on Hulu. And then I was like, how do I get more? And it was like, a quick Google told me that there were no more. And I was so sad. A cursory Google. Yeah, no more.

It was abruptly and unceremoniously ended. I mean, it's real wild because it's so good. And then I don't feel like they promoted it because I was like, how have I not heard of this show for three years? No, no one's heard of it. Or people really like it or yeah, nothing. I love that show. It's really funny. And yeah, so that's how we met.

And yeah, and then I make him cast me and stuff. And made him put me in Black Monday. A show where he's written a sex scene for me. He's the one that wrote that scene, by the way. See, no one else is giving him out. I got to get him. See, that's kind. That is nice.

He knows what you want. He knows what I want. He's more than happy to oblige. But this is what I mean about me liking him. If I saw him doing a sex scene, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable. I saw his ass at the camera with a mask and a shield going left. Yeah, move her to the left. Yeah, move her to the left a little more. It was like, nothing.

Okay. Nothing. Wait, so you said that you chased him. What does that entail it just entailed a lot of like mind games that I thought I was playing that he wasn't even aware of and like one night I felt like I was texting him uncontrollably and this actually became a plot of happy endings I took NyQuil to knock myself out so I would stop texting him. Like, just wild things. And then just, like, always trying to be where he was and weird.

It got a little weird. And then finally I was like, I'm not speaking to him anymore. Because he would always want to call me and be, like, friends. Like, these long conversations. And I kind of was like, you're not getting that if we're not having sex. Like, you don't get to have that. We weren't even, like, kissing. You know? But he'd be like, want these long talks. Finally I was like, you don't get to have that. We weren't even like kissing, you know? And I'm, but he'd be like,

want these long talks. Finally, I was like, I'm not talking to him anymore. Like he can, he can, he's going to feel this absence. And three months went by.

And then I ran into him at a bar and I was like, hi. And he was like, Hey, how are you? And he didn't even know we weren't talking. So upsetting. I was in shock.

And then finally I was like, no, I do need to date other people. And I dated a writer. He was in shock. And then finally I was like, no, I do need to date other people. And I dated a writer. He didn't care. I dated like a grip. He didn't care. Then I dated an actor and he was like,

I think we should start dating. It's just funny that you're like moving around the set being like, who will he care about? A grip? No. A writer? Below the line? A grip? No. A writer? Below the line? Those civilians?

No. I've never dated a crew member. I find it so hard. I once was working and I can't remember what I said. Oh, I think I was like, oh, I like funny guys. And then one of the grips was walking by and I was like, oh, are you funny? Whatever his name is. And he goes, no. And I was like, ooh, are you funny? Whatever his name is. And he goes, no.

And I was like, ah, he must have heard what I said. I like funny guys. And he was like, gotta tell her, no thank you. He's like, I'll cut this off at the pass. Yeah, no thank, no. Although I also believe that statement to be true,

that he's not funny. So I feel like that was divine intervention for both of you. Probably. I am very attracted to camera persons oh I love camera operators yes and if I can get them to laugh I'm like oh today has been a fabulous day what a treat because I've seen and heard like everything yes they're not even like again I saw the camera people during my sex scene just like staring off into the middle distance. They're like everyone like that jizzing all over after like, I don't know what I wanted. But how do you broach the topic of dating at work?

Well, that's David was like, I actually I don't want to date the actresses it's it's poor form like i got this opportunity it was his first thing he ever wrote and he was like i'm not dating any of the actors and i was like you will and then i like we were on hiatus we didn't know if we were coming back then we started dating again i was like showing up i made my girlfriends do a prayer circle to try to get i mean it was getting you know i was like showing up I made my girlfriends do a prayer circle to try to get I mean it was getting you know I was like really asking for hope from higher realms uh-huh yeah but it worked I think it did I just knew we are meant to be together and I really strongly felt he just doesn't know that yet that truly is the only thing standing in our way like genuinely

I felt like I do know this one. And a tarot card reader had told me it was so at my friend Kulap Vilaysak's costume party. Oh, do you have that tarot card reader's information still? Yes. She is incredible, Nicole. Kulap and I, my friend, we just went to her on Zoom over Christmas. It was like the greatest experience of our lives. She read both of us in front of each other. It was so fun. Ooh, because I went to your astrologist. I'm just like following in your footsteps. And she told me some great things. She told me I was going to find love this month,

and I thought I had found it, but that didn't work out. So I don't know. I don't know if I'm actually going to find love this month, this month of March. I don't know when this episode will come out. I've been thinking so many episodes. Just like keeping on top of things we've got 10 more days right yeah 10 more days and i don't know if i'm gonna find anyone because like i still i'm not oh this will come out may 7th so not that far okay so i don't i don't know i don't know if

in 10 more days i'm gonna find find anyone or not. Who knows? Who knows? What kind of guys do you like? Well, I like people who are taller than me, somebody with a job, or like, okay, I don't want anyone with a dream, which sounds very mean, but I want someone who's taking the steps to fulfill their dreams as opposed to someone who's taking the steps to fulfill their dreams as opposed to someone who's like oh i work at gamestop and like i i want to do this thing and it's like well working at gamestop's not helping you do the thing that you want to do um attractive to me funny to me um and then i like i guess i just want someone who pays attention to me. Yeah.

I've dated so many people who don't want to give me any attention. Really? You feel that? Yeah. Maybe that's what I've just described about my own current relationship. I mean, okay. Okay. I'm okay.

I'm keeping eyes and everything open I I agree like having a dream of like and I want to be an artist it's like I need you well on the road to that dream yeah like I want you to have paintings ready to be sold if that's what you want to be yeah no like we're gonna do even a little studio sale at the house that's okay but like we're not just buying the palette yeah yes I just I want someone and then I like also I feel like I want someone who's in the creative world just because I've dated dudes who are like, you're gone a lot. And I'm like, yeah. And then when I'm in L.A., I'm working. But like, that's my life.

That's kind of what you've signed up for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just want somebody who's like chill with it or who like wants to come with me somewhere. Yes. And yes, I would I would love that as well. I feel like I know it seems like I have a bad relationship. My husband is like truly one of, I think, the most genuine, nice people in the world.

But yeah, I would love if he was like, yeah, let's all go wherever you're going to that weird hotel you're staying in and where Albuquerque. go wherever you're going to that weird hotel you're staying in and where albuquerque it is so wild that like when you're on location you're in the like it's gonna be the weirdest hotel in this town i was on location and the first time i'd never ever traveled to act but i was in um oklahoma and it was such a strange hotel filled with the weirdest people. I kind of like, the one thing I do like about our business, like I, when I was filming this movie, I had a very small part in, but for whatever reason, they kept me out in Gone Girl. They kept me for like two months in this strange hotel in the middle of a parking lot with

just like a target behind us, which is a dream. That's a dream to be in walking distance from. It was a horrible hotel, but everyone was staying there. Ben Affleck was there and the producer. I do kind of like that food. We were in Missouri, the middle of swamps. I liked being like, oh, we're all here. We all have to hang out. I love that. I think that's such a fun part of our job. Yeah. It reminds me of the olden days when I used to do Torco at UCB, where you go to schools and do improv for a bunch of students who did not want it. And you stayed at this like shitty hotel in the middle of a parking lot.

There was like an Applebee's and a Walmart. And you're just like, this is America. We better keep it great out here. We've got to. But having those drinks with everyone after a show there, to me, there's like nothing more fun than just like settling into an Applebee's booth. I like when everybody has to be somewhere. I like when I don't feel anyone's like going to make a choice to leave or they have an option to go. It just feels good to me. I like that, too. That's why I like renting homes in Palm Springs. I mean, people could leave if they want, but it's like, you want to leave this delicious house that we've rented to do what? get back to my kids I want people in a headspace that's like tonight's gonna

get weird that's what I like when people and I feel like we're gonna get that after this pandemic oh I was reading about how in the 20s they had petting parties where people would not have sex but just like pet each other and like get real turned on and then leave to go have sex with their significant other and I was like I can't wait for everyone to get weird people are gonna get weird i've got friends who are just like barely i've seen them have one glass of wine and a thing and they're like i just got a mushroom chocolate bar i'm gonna do by myself in my basement i'm like okay things are gonna happen we're gonna have liftoff which i love i'm so excited also a little worried about people who are like I found love during all this I'm like how much love are you gonna have when like you're allowed out and you

don't have to be around each other yeah you can fuck whoever you want and you bring that person to dinner with your friends and they're like he's horrible and even think of that that's so funny it's like yeah there's people dating who haven't introduced their significant others to their friends yet yeah but then also like did a bunker style did you have a pod i did have a pod um only sashir was allowed like inside my house yeah. With like without a mask on because she wasn't really seeing anybody else. But then I like I fell down my stairs. Tee hee hee. I dislocated my ankle.

Ha ha ha. So I had to have surgery. You're saying it. So sorry. It's okay. Thank you. It was like rather hellish, which is why i put the tiki he's a ha ha ha but like marcy jarrow who's truly an angel she took me to like one of my surgeries

so it was like i i saw people and i had like a little group of people that i saw outside but then after i fell like that all went away because it was like either come to me or or don't because I'm miserable and I'm not showering you know as often as I would like right as often one would want oh yeah I'm sorry that happened that's kind of and it's scary to have to go to the hospital during all this and yeah yeah it was and uh I told the story on the podcast when it happened but one of the EMTs was just like aren't you glad we're all like wearing a mask? And I was like, yes, I am.

And he was like, don't do anything. And I was like, why does a surgeon wear a mask? And he's like, it keeps their germs to themselves. And I was like, that's why we're wearing them. He went, oh, yeah, you got me. And I was like, how are you helping me with medical care? And why should I be having to get you? You should know all this.

Yes, it was. And then I went to Glendale Memorial Hospital. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Next time I fall down or something happens, I get shot. Truly, take me anywhere else. I'll die on the way. I don't want to go there.

I'll grab you and bring you to Cedars. I'll bring you to Cedars. Yeah, it was just, it was bad. It was bad. Have you ever broken anything? You know what? I currently, no,

but I currently have a broken toe. How did you break your toe? It's so thrilling. I just like stubbed it. It's so sad. Just like stubbed it on a chair, a deck chair. And it,

I've, I haven't felt a pain like that in a long time, but then I was like, whatever. And then I woke up the next morning and it was like going a weird way and is just kind of blue and pink and swollen. But it's perfect because the doctor's like, oh, there's nothing to be done. Just walk on it and tape it. So it's kind of a great break for a pandemic, you know?

Wait a minute. So you just have to what? He's like, you could try to tape it to the toe next to you. But I was too lazy. Never did that. So just walk it around on it. Oh, my God. How wild.

Yeah. I wasn't allowed to walk on mine for like three months or something like that. It was something insane where like I just had to use crutches. Yeah. And the house I live in, you better believe I chose. I chose a house with a bunch of different levels so i had to like step down step up step down and then there were so many stairs to get out of my house so i was shooting so i had to stay in a hotel in santa clarita

wait what you were shooting during this oh yeah baby she's a professional also people were like we're we're paying you so you better show up right get your ass here uh-huh uh but like the producers were so sweet they like worked out a little swivel chair for me to be in and it was nice rolled you out rolled me out they built an incline for me to get to set I was shooting wipeout so uh they built this like incline for me to actually get to set and then I was like looks a little steep and then I was like but I'll try it and then the creator was like I tried it on your scooter you can't we're gonna have to get a wheelchair for you and someone will roll you up and I was like okay and it was so

steep that they had to get two of the strongest men every night to roll me up and I was like I'm gonna get a complex this doesn't feel good I saw this therapist who gave me a phrase that really has helped me in moments like that, where she just says like, when you're doing something, you're like, I can't believe this is happening. Like it's so out of body. I'm hovering in the atmosphere.

You just say to yourself, this is where I find, this is the position I find myself in. Yes. It's just a grounding. Like this is where I found myself. That's it. It helps acceptance come. Every time every night I just be like, this is fine. This is OK. It's a steep incline. Anybody would need two people to help them up it. Anybody would need

two people to push them up an incline on television called wipe out another time i was doing a show in chicago i had broken the toilet before i went on it like fell out of the wall it was mortifying but also rather funny and then for whatever reason i hopped off the stage to do something and then couldn't find the stairs so then i tried to like roll on the stage and i couldn't get back up so then four very strong people pushed me off on the stage and gabrus was like oh doesn't that feel good to have four people help you up something yay breasts and i was just like you know you know this is the moment you found yourself in yeah i was like maybe i'll like walk off the plane right as it takes off in the air uh but it was i've had people like carry me on sets and then i

one time like looked over privately and saw the guy go up to the director like with a you know when you do the like cut off signal with your hand to your neck like no more baby like i don't have any more in me and i was just like that's very funny i once saw mariah carey in concert she opened for lionel richie which is fully insane i was like these are two legends opposite day it was so weird but he she had a backup dancer carry her off set and he lifted her up and you know how like when you have groceries that are too heavy you kind of like bunker down and your legs up and you know how like when you have groceries that are too heavy you kind of like bunker down and your legs bend and you move very fast he lifted her up and realized she's heavier than i thought we didn't rehearse this and he truly hunkered down and moved very

quickly off the stage he's like just fucking get off just get off maybe the hardest i've ever laughed oh it's so good i love that stuff it's so good. I love that stuff. It's so good. Casey, I have a question. What advice can you give me for when the world opens up, how to hit on somebody? Okay. How to hit on somebody. Are you on apps? Dating apps?

I am on all of the apps. Well, I just stopped paying for Raya because I don't think it's good. I think it's a rather racist app. Really? But I'm on Tinder. Yes. How so? It took me two years to get on.

And then once I was on, there were no black people. None? Not, I mean, a couple, but like not ones that were served to me. None were served up on a platter. No, they said, you don't get any of the black people we have they are far and few in between and you're not getting them and you can't have them a black with a black we cannot we won't do that here but i'm on tinder bumble ok cupid hinge i was on coffee meets bagel but i don't like that app because you have to gather

beans and it makes no sense oh wait have you ever been on an app or did you get to miss that i missed it the only thing i ever did was like the back page it was like the first thing of new york magazine used to have a thing where you could like i don't know what it was it was like a comedy place if you wanted it's kind of sad like if you wanted to meet comedy people just like why I would go on to sleep with like 37 unattractive improvers but like I did you dabble in the improv world yes I think I think you would already move wait did you do New York UCB or did you do LA UCB I did New York for a few years but I'm'm a lot older than you. Then I moved to L.A. right when this one started up. L.A. UCB started up. I guess I did New York UCB after you had left.

Yeah. I started in 2008. Okay. Yes, I had left. I think like right then. But did you get involved with those improvisers? I hooked up with a good, not like a chunk, but like a little handful

of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like an improviser, I'll say. I mean, for a... I felt like it's like a comfortable just like, okay, you know, we're comfortable here. Yeah, it wasn't like a lot of pressure because I'm like, you're a fucking nerd. You should be so lucky. That's what I mean.

Yeah, it's like's like okay this is just a thing that's happening tonight although at the time I'd be like I'm in love with him and then he'd be like I'm breaking up with you but will you quickly can I fuck you up the ass I was like okay I was like this will not stand

yes I will let you yes I will thank you very much absolutely I can't walk and I will. Thank you very much. Absolutely. I can't walk. And I'm crying because you broke up with me. How can I? What are words? God, I'm so bad at this. I feel like I just like attack any like one on a set.

That to me is where I find my sweet spot. Because you're like in a dark warehouse with men. And I sidle right on up there. I just. Anyone on Nailed It? They're all married. Absolutely all of them are married. It was funny too because like I was like I always look for rings.

And on the first day because I didn't know anyone at that point. I was like, oh, let's see. There are some cuties here. And I was like, oh, literally all of some cuties here and I was like oh literally all of you people are married and now they're all just I love them we have the same we've had the same camera people since uh day one I think okay so now you know them yeah we got Rob Rob as well that's I just learned his name was Rob as the same as other Rob but i learned it later so that's why he's rob as well and then uh bryce well i did match with one of them on bumble and we were talking really like time faded we came back and it was like he was like so kind of weird to me and like wouldn't

talk to me and then i was like why won't you talk to me yeah he's like why I didn't know how you felt about the whole thing and like you're the boss and I was like what I guess I'm the boss but like I can't fire camera people like that would be an like an insane thing yeah but now we're friends and we text or whatever okay okay okay okay god I'm I'm so bad at that I feel like I have to find something that's like an already existing something like where I can get in there slowly over time and like get in there with humor little bits little bits that's where I thrive is like humor leading with some humor and then like trying to wear a cute outfit and being like oh see I'm also this. Maybe I should wear cute outfits to set because I always look like a trash bag.

I did start doing that, I will say, because I always am rolling in in like a thick sweat like I'm wearing now. And I don't know, like when I had broken up with my boyfriend, I was like, I'm going to try just a little something on set. But I don't know. I don't, this isn't great advice, I realize.

Do you have friends set you up um no because anytime I've ever asked a friend if uh they know someone who's single or if their partner knows someone who's single they go oh Nicole they're single for a reason I would hook you up with them but like I just don't know if it's gonna be a good fit because like they're bad and then I was like what if people ask about me and I'm your one single friend do you say I'm bad to the I don't know I don't know what people are saying about me um but yeah truly I have everyone I've ever asked is like I have one single friend and they're bad for you I don't think they're saying that about you how could they possibly although I was thinking that I'm like what a rude thing to say like they're they're single for you. I don't think they're saying that about you. How could they possibly? Although I was thinking that I'm like, what a rude thing to say. Like they're single for it's so fucking rude, but you're so beautiful and funny. Wait, do you have any single friends? Well, see, this is why my head is turning because I do think I have someone and I don't

think anyone who's like single to me. It's like, OK, yeah yeah they've probably been in something it's gone south as many things do i might have someone okay oh what a dream that would be but i might have after the pandemic like i'm gonna have good luck because people are gonna be like more open and marriages will end yes that's what I also was going to just bring up. I think we really set our sights on the crumbling of beloved unions. Yes, yes. That feels nice. It does feel nice.

And then you're picking up pieces, but we don't want to pick up too many. Like first you just like having sex, having fun. And then after people have processed a little bit. Yes. There you are. I'm there to swoop in and say, hi, I'm more fun than your quarantine friend was. I don't know.

Who knows, Casey? But I'm hoping or not hoping. I do think 2021 is going to be my year. Yeah. And I said this all of 2019 about 2020. And people really love to bring up that I said that, but I... I've said it about every year.

I mean, if you don't say it, why aren't you betting on yourself? Right. Do you know what I mean? Totally. And we all have to have our hope about everything. Like, yeah, I love it.

That's what I think and I was like 2020 was like a bad year but also some fun things happened a couple of nice things did you shoot a lot during this year yes and no so I did nailed it that was announced that comes out that came out March March 26th and then i shot wipe out and then i shot a pilot uh so like i did do like a like a solid amount you did a lot yeah i did i did okay one of the regrets of my life is that i got asked to do nailed it and i was like nine months pregnant and i was having this thing called like lightning crotch where you feel like shooting pains in your vagina and i was just like i don't think I've worked like the entire pregnancy.

I just don't think I can like pull myself together to do this. And then I was like, but could I please do it another time? And I haven't been asked and I, I'm going to email Sam, the casting person again and just say, can I please come on? And it's tough to say no to a direct offer,

you know? Like I, I'm always like, and I understand if you don't want it, I'm just going to be like, hey, could I come on? Yeah, ask. They had a hard time casting this year

because it was the pandemic. They should have known I have no dignity or sense of life or health. Like, they could have come a-calling right here. I would have been great. I mean, hopefully we'll come back for another season. I hope so.

I feel like it's everyone's favorite show. A lot of children like it. I made a video for my friend's boyfriend's friend's child. What a fun little look down. I'd rather not have to hit every branch on the way down. Let's just do one degree of separation for a video just a little too too specific and um he was like i know this is annoying but like do you mind and i was like no i don't mind i don't mind when like a friend asks yeah so i just like said happy birthday whatever the kid's name was and then my friends my friend's

boyfriend sent me a video of this kid who just started slowly crying. So like the video was like, who's your favorite person on Netflix? And he goes, Nicole. And then his mother plays the video where I just truly just said, happy birthday, the kid's name. And then he just soundlessly started crying. And I was like, I did not realize how much the children liked me. Yes, the impact.

You know, you have such a huge, I have so many friends who they love the show too. And then they're like our kids. I mean, you are, I mean, you're everything. I feel like Steve from Blue's Clues. How dare you? Don't put yourself in that category. Please, I won't have that. But remember when we did that pilot and those little girls were coming up to you and you were making me laugh so hard because you were like, I don't know if you want people in those or not, but you were like, I don't want these kids to follow me on Instagram.

So I really try to make the raciest content. Yeah, because if you do a branding thing with an alcohol company and you have too many people under 21 who follow you, they'll drop you because you're advertising to minors. Also, they were just- No, we need money. So they weren't annoying. I won't say that in case they listen to this. They were very sweet children. It was just like children stare and then you're like, what?

And then they're like, nothing. And you're like, okay, I they're like nothing and you're like okay i don't know what you okay you can't articulate what you want i don't know how to ask you what you want so then it just turns into this weird stare off yeah they were just like staring at you from across the room with like a very steady gaze i don't know why i'm talking about acting so much i never i really don't care about this industry but I will say like I hate when I'm with kid actors and it's like the time comes where they're with me on set and like the parents have fallen away I'm like suddenly taking care of them I'm like is anybody

gonna come and fucking take these kids away from me like I do this at home well I do a thing I don't think it's rude but I had a scene with just like I don't know a gaggle of children there was I don't know eight eight-year-olds and they were all precocious and like very funny and like in between takes but tell me like stories and I was like yeah okay you're not bad but like when we would go for another setup I'd be like okay bye kids I'll be back and then I would like immediately leave and they seemed perfectly fine with that if i just announced that i was leaving yeah because otherwise they'd be like do you want to hear another story about how i uh dropped a turtle in a pool and then i fished him out and fed him macaroni and you're

like no no i don't want it no i don't no i don't okay casey we've reached the end. I could talk to you honestly for hours, but you're a busy lady and you got things to do. But I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me? Yes. I'm going to come so sincerely with a yes. You have my favorite laugh of anyone on planet Earth, Nicole. You have the warmest, most fun, uplifting, joyous laugh.

It makes me so happy. Thank you. I really, when I listen to your podcast and I hear you like really laugh, when you're like, mm-hmm, I'm like, I love her so much. Thank you so much. I think you are just a bundle of joy. You make me laugh. Just you do like a lot of not to keep talking about acting, but like watching you work, you you do a lot of like very small things and then you'll like change it. It's very nuanced. You

give a very nuanced performance that has a lot of thought and you give editors a lot to choose from. And like, that was very fun to watch. You're so sweet because most every director is like too big. Bring it down. This isn't the fucking carnival. Like, please. Maybe I like watching it because I'm like, she does what I do. I'm just like, here's the most you could get. Aw, thank you for having me. Thank you so much for doing this. Do you have anything that you would like to promote? I don't, just my book, I would say.

The Wreckage of My Presence. I did an audio book, and it's, I think, about a lot of funny things sex and female friendships and death of parents and grief and I think it's funny and there's a little something else in there wait do you two dead parents or one dead parent I have one but I sort of watching my parents lose both of their parents but I lost my mom about 17 years ago. So that's sort of a big component of the book. And I know you lost your parents young. Wow. We could have gotten into that. Maybe I'll have you be my second repeat guest and we'll talk about dead parents. I have a lot to say on that topic. I'm curious. Maybe I will have you back. Will you come back? Please. I would love to.

I would love to. Yes, that is. And you obviously have lost both your parents, but forging that identity without, you know, a person in your corner that you're imagining should be there is very, very difficult. And yeah, it's real wild. And then sometimes even now I'll be like, are you proud of me? Just like screaming to the heavens. 100%. No one has answered. No one's gotten back. But I've asked for signs, not gotten them.

You know, but I, yeah, someone was saying to me like, I don't put my kids on Instagram. Like, I think that's, and I was like, you know what? And I, they were not expecting this answer. I was like, you know why I put them out there? Because I don't have a mom to tell me't put my kids on Instagram like I think that's and I was like you know what and I they were not expecting this answer I was like you know why I put them out there because I don't have a mom to tell me she loves my kids so I will take validation from strangers and I want them to be proud of my kids and to see them and maybe my mom will see them and they were like oh boy what a funny answer that's also super vulnerable and like real but that's the truth i'm like i do want people to see them i love them so much and i don't have someone to send these photos to so i'm gonna have everyone else look at them i fucking i love that and might make sense as to why i post some

stuff where i'm like please my mother would congratulate me on this so you all can yes and give me some likes please and i urge all of you to give me some likes well if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can rate it you can subscribe on apple podcasts uh if you write me something nasty i'll i'll read it but this okay someone didn't write this for me but this is something i found on uh on hinge this person said i'm looking for who is also it should be someone who is but it just says who is 420 friendly smiley face with the tongue it's been a year since i've cuddled and had fun with some someone friends with benefits ideally if you are looking for the same and i I forgot to screenshot that part, the part of their profile where it says vaccinated. And I was just like,

oh, I love this new, this new era we're in where people are like vaccinated. You want to cuddle and love upon me? They're like half vaxxed this dystopian fucking world. Like I wanted to have sex and I'm half vaxxed. I'm a week out from my second one. So disturbing. But I love it. It's the new world we live in. I'm half-axed, guys. Come April, she'll be a fucking. Okay. Bye-bye. Okay. Bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. What a dream.

Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.