Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Finding your S/O's Pet Name (w/ Elizabeth Ho)

Episode Date: January 4, 2019

Did you know that couples with pet names statistically have longer lasting relationships? In today's episode, Nicole and Elizabeth Ho (Disjointed) consider what pet name they would want to have. Elizabeth discusses what it's like being in a competitive relationship with your S/O, and Nicole's providing relationship advice to fans over DMs.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though I will date you if you only eat mac and cheese every day and eat it while you fuck me.

That was so specific. They're getting harder and harder to do. I've like run out of things that I would do for people. Ooh, the voice you're listening to right now that's not mine is that of Elizabeth Ho. You know her from Disjointed. It's me. Pyon, pyon, pyon. Pyon, pyon, pyon, pyon.

Elizabeth, thank you so much. Do you go by Liz or Elizabeth? I go by Liz, but professionally I go by Elizabeth because I think it makes me sound more white. Ah, and that is good because people love white people. Yeah, and then my last name is Ho, and they're like, I love hookers. Let's bring her in. Oh, no. You probably hear the worst jokes about your last name.

Yeah, I do. Actually, when I first came to L.A., I had a manager, terrible woman, who was like, no one will want a hoe in Hollywood. Oh, no. And I was like, oh, I guess you're right because I'm young and gullible. Uh-huh. And so I changed it to Young. And then I finally grew a pair. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Elizabeth Young. That's a boring name. Elizabeth Ho's fun.

Yeah, it's a sassy lady. I think this is when I was trying to be like, I could be an angel. I could be serious. I could be an actress. But you're, you are an actress. Well, like an actress.

I know, like a serious one where you're like, I'm just crying. Crying as they zoom in on my face. Oh, boy. You're not single. I'm not. I've been with the same dude for a very, very long time. Do you remember how long?

14 years. Damn! So you completely missed online dating. I did. Congratulations to me because it's a shit show. You have no idea. It is. It's tough in those streets.

It's just so hard. Where did you guys meet? We met doing community theater. It was like dinner theater as favors for other people. And we were set up by, I was set up by the musical director. He was set up by the direct director. And the director told me, you should meet my friend Ira. He looks like my husband. Her husband was not cute. I'm not going to name names, but he looked like Ronald McDonald and not like he could give me free chicken

McNuggets for life. Like that's just what he looked no. And I was like, oh, that'll be fun. Did he wear a yellow overall suit? I wish he had when I first met him. When I first met Ira, he was, that's my husband's name, he was up on stage in cute, tiny, flexible jazz shoes, little black sweatpants. And I was like, ooh, I'm going to get me some. No, I didn't think at all.

I was like, eh. But he was cute. And then it turned out he was very, ooh, I'm going to get me some. No, I didn't think at all. I was like, eh. But he was cute. And then it turned out he was very, very funny. Isn't that funny when you first meet someone that you end up liking? I feel like usually you're like, meh, no. I don't want it. I mean, no one's ever going to hear this, right?

So like, yeah, that's what I thought. He's going to be like, this is a revelation. I thought I was sexy on sight. I thought she wanted me immediately. And that's a great impression of your husband I've never met. It was like a thousand percent. True. Actually, you did meet him.

You met him when we filmed the pilot. He brought my dogs to set one day. And he's, I think, very handsome. If I could, because, you know, podcasts are a great visual medium. I would show everyone the photo of him when we first met. And he looks like a different person. I feel like women change men to look better because you're like, are you going to look like that? Is this what's happening? What do you mean? I guess, yeah, I'll look better. I know so many men who dated women for long periods of time and they've just started to look better.

Yeah, you know how Facebook and TimeHop and shit bring stuff up and I was like, oh my God, that's Ira. What? And it wasn't like he was a baby or a child. It was an actual, no, he was in his 20s. I also just think people in general start to look better as they get older. I look at old pictures of It was an actual like, no, he was in his 20s. I also just think people in general start to look better as they get older. Like I look at old pictures of myself and I was like,

what was I doing? Girl, I had these, I have bangs right now, but I had these really short, like Courtney Cox scream bangs for a while. I thought we're just like, yes, I am my sexiest. No, not at all. No, I used to wear blue contacts and then would put like clip in pieces of bright red hair in my hair. I looked insane, but I was like, it's a look and I'm doing it and I own it. You were peacocking. I was.

I guess I was peacocking just a little bit. Wait, before I forget, I brought you a present. I realize I should have unwrapped it, but now it's going to just sound delightful. What is it? It's an advent calendar, so we can either eat all of it all at once, or you can do it guest by guest. Are you religious? No. Okay.

Me either. But, like, I think there's a God, but, like, I only pray when I want things. Obviously, that or if I'm in danger, right? You're, like, in a bad Uber. Well, I only pray when I want things. Obviously that or if I'm in danger, right? You're like in a bad Uber. Well, I only use Lyft. So I'm in a bad Lyft and I'm like, sweet Jesus, please let me survive this. I cannot die like this in the back of this tiny compact car. Yeah.

Please don't let me die in this Hyundai Accent. I was in a car in New York yesterday and the driver kept answering his phone. No. And then going, I can't. And then hanging up. And I wanted to say, sir, just stop answering. Like, I know you don't want to be on the phone and drive, but like, you can't just pick up your phone and scream, I can't. And keep hanging up.

It's very alarming. That's very alarming. I wonder what if he wasn't just screaming, like,'t talk, but like what if he can't do something? Oh, his wife is like, fix the drain. He's like, I can't. He knows. He's just, his wife's constantly calling him. Please, honey, fix.

His name was Tony. And he was such a strange man. Was he old or young? He was an older man. Okay. Little. And he sat right under the steering wheel. Oh, awkward.

So he had really short legs? Yes, he was a very tiny man. Yeah, I would say like, I have bad death perception. I think everyone's the same height as me. But him, I knew he was small. Him, you, I know you're small I know you're a small person

you're teeny teeny tiny but he was very nice and when he dropped me off he was like here and I said I don't know is that the destination I don't know isn't this like your job I was going to this a sound stage that I'd never been to so he was like here

I said I don't know sir and. And he goes, it's here. Get out! I said, okay, Tony. See you later. Oh boy, I was just on a plane. I keep just being on planes. I feel crazy. Are you at least flying business or first?

Yes. God bless. Which is great. I flew Delta. I found a piece of shit in a blanket on Delta once. I remember this very, very clearly. But all my miles are there. And I don't like American.

And I don't like United. No, fuck United. So, and then they have flatbeds from all New York to LA flights. I'm sorry, what? Yeah. So it's nice to be like, oh, I can sleep and then get off the plane and go to work. Right. So it's great.

Today, I went to the airport. I was early. And my TSA pre-check number wasn't there. So I was like, the ladies are going to have to help me. So I stood in line, went. This lady was like, hmm, it's there. I don't know why it's not taking it. And then she's like, your birthday's wrong.

Then another lady came over. I think that was Akilah. And then Rosie came over. And Rosie was like, what's going on? What's popping? She was very funny. I like her. And very awake for 5 o'clock in the morning.

Too much. So then Rosie was trying to fix it. And like very awake for five o'clock in the morning. Too much. So then Rosie was trying to fix it. And Rosie's like, girl, they got your birthday wrong. And I was like, Rosie. And then another lady came over. I wish I could remember her name. But she fixed the whole thing. And then we tee hee heed.

I told them a great joke. And then I left. And then I tweeted at Delta to like give them a raise. And then they're like, we're going to recognize them. And I was like, but how? And they're like, we're not at liberty to say. And I was like, but how? And they're like, we're not at liberty to say. And I was like, but I need receipts. I need to know that these three ladies got something

for being so wonderful. And I don't know if I'm ever going to know. Well, I feel like you'll be back in an airport soon. Yeah, I guess if I leave at 4 or 7 a.m. again, I can run into them and be like, my friends. My friends, here's a 20 spot. Akilah, Rosie, the other one, hello! Here's a 20 spot.

Here are tickets to my special. I also was very drunk last night, and I was taking a lift back to the hotel, and I was like, oh no, sir, I have to use the restroom. Can you pull over? And he was like, I'll take you to a bar so you don't have to pee in the street. And I was like, good call! You were like, you know what to do. Oh my God, you were so classy. So then I went to this weird bar that was like very dark, just filled to the brim with white people. And I was like, I don't like it here. It feels unsafe. And I was like, just go to the bathroom.

So I went to the bathroom and there was this huge line of women waiting. And there was only one bathroom. So then I went to the front of the line. And I was like, I'll pay you. I'll pay you to let me pee. Please. I'll pay you. So I paid three women $20 each. No, you didn't.

So I could pee. And then the fourth woman was like, I don't get no money. And I was like, no, sorry. Just the three of them. And then we kiki'd and had a great time waiting for the other ladies to get out of the money. And I was like, no, sorry, just the three of them. And then we kiki'd and had a great time waiting for the other ladies to get out of the bathroom. And then I disappeared into the distance like a little bathroom fairy. I'm really impressed that you just have so much cash on you at all times. I had just gotten my nails done and I took out a little extra, but now I have no cash

on me. Okay. So if you're waiting in line and you see Nicole Byer come up to you, you better get your Venmo out. I get my Venmo app out. I'm like, what's your name? I'll give you $20 so I can pee. I feel insane. So 14 years, super long time. How long did you date before you got married? Oh, this is funny. 10, 9, 10, something like that. 10 years? Yeah. It got to a point where like me being the young 20 year old would be like, I can't wait to get married because all my white friends are getting married. And like, I went to a super bougie high school. So all those beautiful women got married all at once and like

had kids all at once and got divorced all at once and i was like here i am still dating ira and then it came to a point where i was like maybe we'll never get married maybe we'll just be like brad pitt and angelina jolie or like susan sarandon tim robbins and then soon sarandon tim robbins broke up and i was like they sure did and now she's dating like a 10 year old right he's like very young and plays ping pong yes she. She still has. Does she still. Is that club still around in New York? I have no idea. It's a club.

It's a club. Where you just play ping pong. Yes. The next time you are in New York, you must check it out. I got to go to Susan Sarandon's ping pong club. You must. It's it's reconnaissance. We have to for the sake of science.

Yes. Yes. I'll go. So then at year 10. Year 10 10 uh no i think it was year nine it was our anniversary we're quite competitive so and in terms of anniversary gifts just get we're just competitive as fuck and so i was like i got him the best fucking gift his sports team is leo glenaise i got him this very special t-shirt he had seen in the bleachers and i was like i am an internet genius.

I have found this and I have bought it for you. And morning anniversary rolls out. I'm like, happy anniversary. Here's your T-shirt. And he's like, I'm taking you to your favorite super she-she resort out in Santa Barbara. And instead of me being like, oh, my God, I'm going to get proposed to you. I just got really pissed because I was like, you fucking one-upped me. You fucking dick.

Like, how, like, am I going to have to blow you all day? Like, what am I going to have to do to, like, one-up you on this? His birthday was the next week. So I was like, I'm going to raid that Amazon wish list the whole day. No idea. He just kept on, like, dropping fantastic, beautiful surprises. And I just kept on getting more and more angry. Being like, fuck, shit, now I can't pay for dinner because he already paid for it.

Well, what the fuck are we going to do now? And then it was they had turndown service and he was in the bathroom and I was like, yes, turn it down. I want all the turndown. I want chocolate. I want pillows everywhere. And he had hidden the ring under some pillows in the bed. I saw the box. But it was so far from my conscious mind that he was going to propose.

And I was like, what a bougie hotel. They use tiny boxes to prop up pillows. The guy turning down service was like, uh. And my husband, soon-to-be husband, was shitting himself literally in the bathroom as he was realizing that I probably saw the ring. But I had no idea. And then the surprise went off.

Did you open the ring or did he still fully propose? He fully proposed. I still had no idea. I was like, ugh, tiny box. That's what they must do here. That's really adorable that all day you just had no idea. I am a tiny box that's what they must do here oh that's really adorable that all day you just had no idea i am the stupidest is what this no i mean i think it's like it's a long nine years is a long time and i don't know if i would realize it but also i am legit dumb sometimes but um also i can't even fathom anyone proposing to me it would just be so

out of the realm of possibility that's what i thought too i can't not for you but for me i was like it's never gonna happen at this point i truly well congratulations on getting married it was a news story that this man proposed this woman in new New York over like a subway grate and then dropped the ring. No. And then the police like got it back for him. And I was like, how? How? There's so much crime.

Who cares about this couple? Fuck them. He's dumb. Is it terrible to ask? Was he a white man? Probably. Yeah. I don't remember.

There was like grainy video footage of it. And I watched a little bit. And I was like, I don't care about this. I hate this. I wish he had taken like he MacGyvered it. Like he had chewed some gum, gotten a rat, stuck gum on the rat, put like a rope around the rat and then got the ring that way. I wish that happened as well because that would be not the wildest thing happening in Times Square. Of course not. That is actually more in the realm of possibility than the police actually helping you. Right? How do they see this video? Are we always being videotaped? What is this? What is this, Minority Report? Is it the Truman Show? Are we all Truman?

The Truman Show is a very good movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Is it weird that I'm like, ooh, I could do the Truman show because then I'd be working. Someone hire me, please. Someone hire me, please. You are constantly working though. I see you jet-setting everywhere.

Yeah, doing stand-up, that's fun. I want an acting job. I'm an actor. I would like to act a little bit. And pilot season's just around the river bend, where we all feel good about ourselves and full of confidence. It's so much goodness. It's like Christmas for all of us in the industry.

Pilot season sucks. You just kind of parade around. You're like, me, I can lead this show. Please let me. It's that, and it's also like, please hire me. Please hire. You're like me. I can lead this show. Please let me. It's that. And it's also like, please hire me. Please hire me.

Please hire me. And now it's this whole weird thing of like offers to where people are like, so-and-so got an offer and you're like, I'll take anything at this point. Yeah. Offer it to me. I'll do it. Please.

I'll do it for Tootsie Roll Pop. I'll do it for a nice hug. Please someone hug me. Just a tight little hug. I listened to your episode with Justin Noble where he talked about the whole process of... Testing. That is so wild. It's crazy.

If you didn't listen to that episode, so when a pilot happens, a pilot's the first episode of a television show. Sometimes it goes, sometimes it doesn't. But before it goes, they invite random people off the street to watch it goes, sometimes it doesn't. But before it goes, they invite random people off the street to watch it and then they have a button

when they like something, they press it. And when they don't like something, they press another button and then they ask them questions about it. The whole process is very, very strange.

Well, it's also super antiquated, right? Yeah. I think so because that's like, I feel like juries are also antiquated because it's like what eight people get together and then everyone's like i have my opinion and then someone starts talking you're like well that sounds right like we're all just lemmings we just

oh yeah whoever is the loudest in the room yes and it's also i'm the kind of person who i could totally be the loudest in the room but if someone someone's louder than me, sometimes I'm just like, I'll just shut up because you are so annoying. I'll just agree to get out of here. Yes, I do that sometimes. And sometimes with annoying men, I'll fuck them so they shut up. Ooh, tricky. Which is just not good. Because then you're just rewarding bad behavior.

Exactly. As you're sitting on his face, you're just like, shut up. Yes. Shut up. Eat this pussy. And then I'm going to leave. Goodbye. And I'll never fucking see you again.

Unless you call me. Yeah, unless you text me. And then I'll come a running because guess what? Homegirl's desperate for love. Before Ira, were you in lots of relationships yes i did play the field uh are you like a serial monogamist or were you no bouncing around i bounced around a lot i mean i met ira in college so it was a lot of just college dating but to be completely fair like everyone was but this was also before really apps and phones and stuff so i feel like

i probably could have gotten a lot more i mean the app game i will say as awful as it is it does allow you to just have like a but like like i don't know thousands of people at your little fingertips it's kind of crazy but also this whole idea of like just texting people like what's up yeah that would dry up like my anxiety is already just ratcheted right now no i wouldn't be able to do it i mean i try very hard to not text too much before meeting somebody because there's nothing worse than texting somebody and then being like, wow, oh my God, like, I think we're gelling. I think this is going to be good. And then you meet them in person and they're not as witty as they are in texting. Because you can think about

it in text. Yes. Yes. It's a trap. I had a friend who texted a lot with someone and they messaged just so much. And then afterwards she was like I'm so excited I think this is the one they met and he was quiet like zero and so she was like what happened should we text at the table like what do I do imagine ooh we gotta

take a break and we're back! What a glorious break that was. I feel so rested and relieved. Right? It was just like, oh, we were just talking up a storm. We just had to rest our jowls. I have multiple jowls, so yes, I did have to rest all of them.

So many jowls. I went on a date with this dude who was so quiet, and it was painful. Did you just keep on asking him questions, or was it just you dominated? You ended up just dominating? Well, I asked him questions because the internet says men like to talk about themselves. Oh, the internet. I read it on the internet. Have you ever heard of it no okay so the internet is a place where there's just a ton of information actually i can't explain the internet i don't understand it it's just there who what is it

it's not a tangible thing you can't go to the internet store and pick up some internet. I now want to open up a place called the internet and have old people come and just get boxes, empty boxes of the internet. Empty boxes and you're like, this is the internet. Here you go, boo. But like, where is the internet? You're going to get so many amazing comments for this. I hope so. Okay, if you know where the internet is, please email me at bakingcansave at gmail.com or just slide into my DMs and let me know where the internet is. I would really like a hand-drawn map, like a treasure map, like we're in Goonies.

Yes, and I just saw Goonies, so I understand the reference. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. I had never seen it. People kept saying that I would thoroughly enjoy it. And guess what? I did. Ooh, I was scared for a second you were going to say no,

and then I was going to have to leave. It's a real fun movie. I feel like we don't make fun adventure movies like this anymore. Just like fun. I also don't think so. Like, movies from the 80s and 90s are just perfect and they don't make them anymore. I just watched Die Hard because it is right now it is the Christmas season. And I was like, this is the most perfect Christmas movie.

I've never seen Die Hard. It's very simple. It's a man fighting against bad guys. The end. The end. And he wears a white tank top for most of it. Correct. And he doesn't wear shoes. Hey. Whoa. The end. The end. And he wears a white tank top for most of it. Correct. And he doesn't wear shoes.

Hey. Whoa. Watch out. Whenever. Okay. I wonder if that was Bruce Willis's choice or a producer's choice. Like who chooses for the actor to be uncomfortable for the entirety of a film? It's so well done in the,

in the actual movie. I think it was written in, but I can imagine. I just want, actually, I want to imagine that Bruce was like, I'm so method, I think that he would take his shoes off. I think that's he would lose his shoes right here.

And then poor scripty would have to be like, fuck, now we have to go through, I have to track your fucking bleeding feet. That, yeah, that's wild. Have you ever seen Hocus Pocus? Yes. So when Binks, the cat, when he's a human, he's chasing his sister to the witch's house and he like slides down in the woods.

He's also not wearing shoes. And I was like, but like you're in the forest. Don't your feet hurt? Kenny Ortega, why would you let him do that? That's the director. I've seen Hocus Pocus too many times. Wait, has Kenny Ortega been on here? No. Wouldn't that be just fabulous? That would the director. I've seen Hocus Pocus too many times. Wait, has Kenny Ortega been on here? No.

Wouldn't that be just fabulous? That would be amazing. You could answer so many different questions. Yes, it would be so good to be like, Kenny, you made a masterpiece called Hocus Pocus that didn't get the credit and due. It was deserved. Until now.

Until now. How do you feel? It's iconic. It's a perfect movie. How do you feel? It's iconic. It's a perfect movie. Sarah Jessica Parker is so funny in it. Everyone's delightful in it. Kathy Najimy. You got your Bette Midler.

And then you got Thora Birch saying yabos. And that made me laugh so hard. And then you got Max. And then I don't remember the girl's name. The blonde. Let's just leave a lot of dead air for this. Jennifer Jezebel?

Nobody's name is Jezebel in a movie. Not one person. No, her name's Jezebel. No, her name's Jezebel. Jezebel, Max, and Thor are Birch and Binks the Cat. Done.

What's your favorite movie? Wow, that pivoted real fast. Off the top of my head, I'll say When Harry Met Sally. I also just watched that. It's really good. It's just so well written. It is. It's just so well written.

I just love a well written movie. I just love when the dialogue feels like it's natural. You know? Yeah, I mean, Billy Crystal, of of course the way he looked back then could have gotten a really hot meg ryan no not at all but he's a delightful like little imp and so yeah i turn that on whenever i need a good like oh this is warm and cozy but other than that i like really bad blockbusters like the worst like san andreas is a great example that was a bad movie that i loved yeah uh the last one i saw i mean apparently i just love the rock because i'm just gonna go for

it rampage with the giant gorilla that gets turned i mean that's a wild movie the rock and a giant gorilla then you have the rock in a giant building and you have the rock and the earthquake. It's crazy that his co-stars are now not even people. It's wild. I can't wait for it's like the rock against an actual rock. Pitch it. Maybe I will. Actually, you know what? It probably is already being made.

I'm going to pitch and be like, the rock goes hiking. Okay. And then a big old boulder comes crashing down and he's got run and save the city of los angeles from this big rock i'm gonna workshop it a little harder before i go out and picture it i think you're at the you're at it okay just go you know it's past pitching season right now but pilot seasons year-round right i guess, with all these streaming services. Here's a question. Do you have any pet names for your husband?

Oh, this is annoying. Yes. Because I read an article that said that people in relationships who have pet names for each other last longer than people who don't have pet names for their significant others. And I'll read you some of the pet names they cited. But what is have pet names for their significant others. And I'll read you some of the pet names they cited. But what is your pet name for your husband? I used to work at Starbucks and I had a very racist coworker who decided to call me Panda Ho Ho. At the time, I thought it was hilarious. And so I was like, I'm going to call everyone Panda, including

Ira. So we just, because I thought it was funny to call a white man Panda. So I started calling him Panda. And then he thought it was funny that an Asian woman was calling him Panda. So he called me Panda back because he could own the racism as a white man. And so now we call each other Panda. I mean, it's cute. The origin is not cute. It's not cute.

But then we kind of just ran with it because we were like, we're just both terrible humans. I like, that's so sweet. Panda. Yeah, so it goes by Panda, PB, Bear, shit like that. That means you're going to last. According to this independent.co.uk article. Dude, the internet's real. The internet is real.

Where is it? So here they said Sweetie, Muffin, and Baby are the top ones. I can't imagine calling someone Muffin. Right? Come here, Muffin. And then they said, here are other popular ones, Cutie, Princess, and Honey. I can't imagine anyone calling me Princess other than like my dad. feel yeah that's weird what are what are the is there like daddy well the uh there's problematic ones like sweet cheeks poppy and daddy and they're the least common i also can't imagine calling my partner daddy i mean that's some deep therapy work. Right? Daddy, come here.

Well, that's like when, like, what's his name? What is the elfish looking man with white hair who's the vice president? What's his name? Pence? Yes. He calls his wife Mother. Oh, yeah. I remember that. Which is so gross.

Like, I understand when you have kids and you're like, mom told you to do this. Or like, I love you too, mom. Mother said to go to bed. Ugh. So a study that was published in 1993 examined the use of quirky idioms in married couples and found out that sweet pea and pussycat are nicknames that made people happy. Who would ever call anyone Pussycat? I want to, were these, what era were they?

Well, it was in 1993, but I'm like, did you interview 97-year-old people? I was going to say, did we time travel to the early 1900s where we were like, here, Pussycat, come here. Come here, Pussycat. Dad is hungry. I mean, if someone said that to me, I probably would love it and laugh very, very hard. See, but the laughter is great. But I think people just say, it just sounds like they're saying it very, very seriously,

like out of love. Let's see. What? I don't know what nickname i would want i guess babe not baby how about bay bay bay is too trendy i feel oh i feel like it's so not trendy anymore that it could be trendy okay not muffin muffins weird it just makes me for some reason think of muffin top which is fine i love the tops of muffins and my body. It's what I have.

Let's see. I like pigs. No. You can't call me pigs. Come here, piggy. Why did you sound like Jack Nicholson? What is happening? I don't know.

Just working on some impressions. Really just workshopping here. Look, SNL, she's ready. She ready. Yeah, she ready. I can't believe I just went pig. I was like, I like them. They're cute.

But I guess pigs are cute. Yeah, I don't think I'd want to be called piggy. Let's see. I guess not sweetie. Sweetie sounds weird. They all sound like names I call my dogs. Right. Which, by the way, that means I'm going to sound like names I call my dogs. Right. Which, by the way, that means I'm going to have a great relationship with my dog.

Yes. So I'm here for it. But yeah, sweetie. It's the I-E. It's the E at the end that makes it feel childish and weird. Maybe pumpkin. Again, it feels like I'm talking to my dog. Right.

Come here, pumpkin. Although I do call my dogs things like, hey, dickhole. Come here. my dog right come here pumpkin although i do call my dogs things like hey dickhole i call my dog dum-dum because he's real dumb sometimes maybe i want to be called dum-dum i mean that's kind of cute come on dum-dum let's leave i mean i call people dum-dum when i love them or not love them but like feel close to them yeah Yeah. And it's interesting because sometimes people will be like, what? I'm like, oh, I truly mean that as a term of like affection.

I love that all of a sudden you backpedal instead of just leaning even harder. You heard me. You fucking idiot. I called you dumb dumb for a reason. Because you're more than dumb. You're double dumb. You're dumb dumb.

You're so dumb you don't even have a b at the end dumb dumb yeah i think i want to be called dummy dummy and piggy that's what it is you dumb little pig that's what i want to be called so if there there are any men out there, you know, who are listening, who want to date me, please slide into my DMs and call me a dumb little pig. Let's get it embroidered on a jacket. It'll be real.

So this guy slid into my DMs. Go on. And he's like, kind of cute. So he messaged me and said, I honestly couldn't figure out how to leave a review on iTunes so I'm sliding right up into your DMs. Nicole, you're a goddess. I want to put a vibrator

inside you with your consent, which is great. That's cute. That is powered by an electric ukulele vibrating at every strum. I'll play you Israel Kamakwano's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. What a wonderful world until you're feeling over the rainbow,

but first I must learn how to play the ukulele. Also, want to grab drinks? So I said, this is very funny. He said, thanks. And I said, were you serious about getting drinks? What is your intention? And he said, totally serious. I'd love to take you out for drinks and get to know you.

I need to be straightforward, though. I'm in a relationship. It's open and long distance, but I'm looking for fun or friends right now completely understand if that's weird and I was like ah I hope you see how shitty it is to hit on me and ask me to drinks then say you're in a relationship he's like sorry I didn't mean for it to come across that way and then he's like I want to show you that I'm not

an asshole come to this Christmas party at our place it's not your average Christmas party there's a buffet whoa say no more, sir. I am there. You got this little piggy ass buffet. Let me bring my Tupperware.

I'm here. It was like, okay, so you're in an open relationship and you're looking for friends or fun? That's such a weird open-ended thing. I feel like at that point I'd be like, I want to talk to your partner. Right? Just make sure. Is this person okay with it? Does this person know you're in an open relationship? Sometimes they don't know.

Sometimes it's a surprise for people and then you have bigger problems. But then I was just like, you invited me to a buffet. When you read that, I also thought, is it an orgy? Yes! Like, not your average Christmas party. We're all going to put on a strap-on and fuck till Santa comes. But we also have these chafing dishes with delightful things like mini quiche.

I mean, I don't know. I'm so confused as to just men in general and why they think they can just say. I don't. If you. Okay. I think you open with, I'm in an open relationship, I find you attractive. Would you like to go out on a date?

Then I'd be like, oh, okay. Now I understand what you're asking. So you're saying that he should have said that before the vibrator ukulele line? Or at the end to be like, when he was like, when he said, I want to take you out for drinks. Be like, I actually really would like to take you out for drinks. And then just tell me your deal.

So then I don't have to Harriet the spy around and figure it out. That's exactly what I felt like. I felt like you had to crawl through. You were like a beautiful pig in mud sniffing through. Sniffing through the trash looking for that truffle of knowledge beautiful truffle to be like hello what is it?

is this delicious or not? it's very confusing and then I got a message from this woman who said I'm in this open relationship I'm in an open relationship and uh okay so she said

hi I'm being a weirdo sliding into your DMs I don't know how this is gonna come across which already means it's gonna be bad I'm very excited for this right

but I'm genuinely trying to be helpful listening to your latest podcast where you're wondering why it's so hard to find love I was analyzing it

because I'm weirdly good at making people love me and I think that's oh wow right like ooh okay flex lucky you it because I'm weirdly good at making people love me. And I think that's... Oh, wow. Right? Like, ooh, lucky you. And I think that I know how to make people feel good all the time. Like, I have social anxiety and I'm super sensitive, so I'm very aware of how I come

across and make people feel. So I'm good at always being nice and pleasant to be around. It also means that I try to win people's affection and I question if they really like me or that I do nice things for them. There is so much to unpack here. So much. Anyway, you mentioned that you argue with people a lot,

like people in stores. I love a fight in my car. I love a fight at the airport. I love fights with strangers. She's just a fighter. I love it. You're just Christina Aguilera. Yes, I'm a fight at the airport. I love fights with strangers. She's just a fighter. I love it. You're just Christina Aguilera. Yes.

I'm a fighter. I'm strong. Nope, that's not it. And then it continues. And my theory is that maybe you make people feel anxious slash unsafe, which is why they get scared off. Anyways, I'm a huge fan of you and your comedy. Love you. I'm going to call of you and your comedy. Love you.

I'm going to call her Debra. Debra, you're right. She approaches every argument with a knife. That's why people feel very unsafe. It's a huge knife. It's like a machete. I can't believe she said, I make people feel unsafe. I've never felt unsafe near you, if that makes you feel better.

Thank you. I thoroughly appreciate that. I mean, I've met you in a couple, if that makes you feel better. Thank you. I thoroughly appreciate that. I mean, I've met you in a couple different social settings, too. Yes. At work, at parties, at people's houses, and now here at this lovely studio. Yes, thank you for coming to this place. I was going to say the location, but I won't. Good for you.

Thank you. I was in Iowa doing a show, and I told the students exactly what room I was in at what hotel. No, Nicole. Specifically because I was staying in a college-themed hotel. Weird. Wait, wait. A college? What does that look like?

So it looked like a college, except there was, like, a concierge desk. There was books everywhere. The elevator was painted to look like a chalkboard was everything broken and slightly damaged no it was a brand new hotel so it was like a new college that just got like a grant from somebody good someone died and you got a bunch of money got it so it was a college themed hotel room i was staying in room 9-11 in the middle of fucking Iowa. And then I got out of the shower and someone had written guilty in the steam.

And the cleaning people, I guess, didn't want to erase it because they're like, this is funny. And I screamed so loud. I was like, I'm going to die in Iowa. Are we sure it was someone or was it a ghost? Maybe it was a ghost because that's in the movie Ghost. I'm just saying that's how ghosts communicate. Again, a great movie from the 80s. Or was it early 90s?

That was 92. Here we are. I love Ghost. Whoopi Goldberg is a revelation in it. She's perfect in every way. Every scene she's in, she steals it. Truly, just perfect. And apparently Patrick Swayze fought for her to be in it.

I don't know if that's true. But I feel like I heard that. Part of me doesn't want it to be true because I don't want the white man to get laid. I am so angry today about white people anyways. You live with one. So I get it. I do. It's just all the time.

I get it. I live with one too. And sometimes I'm just like, John, you get everything you want. He truly does. He's got a great boyfriend who's real sweet. Fuck him. Truly. Who's the worst person you've ever dated?

There could be a long list for this one. Oh, dang. I can't wait to hear it. Older, was a music producer. Okay. Since we did, many moons since we did it, he's recently acquired a British dialect. Yes.

Tiny, tiny man. Uh-huh. And very, very controlling. Oh, tiny man. Uh-huh. And very, very controlling. Oh, no. Yeah, he was, I'm obviously not going to name names, but he was a very weird little man that I don't know why I dated. I guess he, this is what happened. I was super poor and he would take me out to eat. Ah, yes, yes, yes.

To nice places. Yes. And I'd be like, I feel like a human being again. We should do this more. That was stupid and young of me, but here we are. I mean, sometimes you got to do what you got to do. I just remember him telling me to work out, being like, you should go and work out. And then he would go to, because he lived in a fancy hotel, he would go and watch me

work out. No. Yeah. And me being dumb and in college being like okay i guess that's fine oh my god that's awful i don't know why people feel like they need to say anything about people's bodies it's not yours positive or negative yeah go away i slept with this dude who i met on okCube. This is years and years ago. And I think he lived in a model apartment. You know, like none of the furniture seemed real. You know how like in model apartments, it's like, oh, this chair weighs a pound.

Right. So he was a real estate agent. Yes. He was just had the keys for the showroom. Yes. And there was like a dry erase board in his living room. So I drew like a dick on it, staying on brand. Solid work. And he erased it and said, we don't do that here.

And I said, OK. So then he's like, let me fuck you on the floor. And I was like, if that's what you want. So then we had sex on the floor. And then he goes to the bathroom for like 45 minutes. And then I was like posing on the bed being like, I mean, he'll come back. I'm like, we'll keep going. Did you fall asleep?

No. Because that's immediately when I would have. No. I was waiting because I didn't come yet. He didn't do anything for me. Oh, that's bullshit. He was gone for 45? For so, maybe not a full 45, but it was so, it was long enough that I was posing.

I was out of my mind posing for a man to come back and then he came back fully clothed and was like you good and I was like uh no I am not well I said I guess because I did I was younger and I didn't know what to do and then he was like all right well it was really great to meet you and I was like okay so then he's walking me to the door and right before he closes the door he's like I work fitness, but that doesn't mean I don't like your body. And then he closed the door and I was like, what? What? Oh, he got the last word on that one? Yes.

That would have pissed me off so much, girl. And I almost knocked on his door to be like, fuck you. One thing. Oh, I think I left something. It was a fuck you. A fuck you. But instead, I just like stomped to my car. Like in every sense of the word.

It was just stomping. And I just, theped to my car, like in every sense of the word was just stomping. And I just, the weirdest shit happens to me. Men are so insane. It's just, that is just crazy to even think that's how he was like, okay, well I'll be, I'll go. It sounds like he was personally grooming for like 45 minutes or whatever. Maybe. It took 25 minutes to get changed.

I shouldn't really judge. It does take me a long time. Yeah, but he just came out in like a t-shirt and basketball shorts. Like you weren't. Oh, I see in my mind he like put on a three-piece suit with like a chain on a watch on it and like. No, he was getting ready for bedtime.

Maybe he was moisturizing his face. You mean his dick? Moisturizing that dick. Oh, that'll take another 45. Gotta just get it soft and smooth. For the next fatty, I'm going to fuck and talk about her body, too. See, that kind of thing makes me so angry that I want, like, my body reacts where it's like, I think I need to just shit right here on this door.

Uh-huh. I should have. I should have shat right on his mat. Just right on the doormat. That's just a great way to end any conversation that you can't get a last word in. I shit so hard on the plane today that I worried myself. I was like, oh, girl. But also, I ate a hamburger at 3 a.m.

Yeah, no, that's where it was going downhill. I'm living a life. Maybe not my best life. I don't know. I think you're. But it was a very good burger. Where was it? Where'd you get it from?

At the Gramercy Park Hotel. Oh, that's a really good burger. The Gramercy Park Hotel is my favorite hotel. And there's a doorman there named Carlos. And last time I stayed, Carlos and I got along great. And then we follow each other on Instagram. And then two nights ago, I was outside smoking a cigarette. And I was like kind of drunk.

And I was like, Carlos, he can't see me like this because I was wearing slippers. I couldn't find my shoes. I like that it was the slippers that made you go like, no, Carlos cannot see this. So I ran away from Carlos and I didn't get to see him this time. But I'm back in New York next week and I'm like, okay, I'm going to have to like make some time for Carlos. Shout out to Carlos. Carlos is great.

He's holding it down. He really is. Because you get a key to Gramercy Park when you stay there. So you can go in this very exclusive park. And you get to look at all the people who can't come in and it's great. Do you ever go into that park and be like, hey, hey, you want to come in? You can't. I should.

Next time I go, I'm going to do that. Bring like a pack of Skittles so you can like launch shit at people. Hello, children. I have Skittles. Want to come in? You can't, you stupid babies. Eat this. I hate children.

You don't have kids, do you? No. They're bad. I don't like them. I don't want them coming from my body near my body in my body around my body no oh okay elizabeth yes do you have anything you want to plug just my social media because that's how popular i am what is it tell the listeners tell them real elizabeth ho h o that's right not that fake bitch. Fake Elizabeth Ho.

But real Elizabeth Ho. Honestly, that'd be so funny if someone's Instagram handle was fake Elizabeth Ho. I just feel like I should take it now. I also think you should take it. Okay, that's amazing. Here, one question. If you weren't married, would you date me? Oh, 100%.

Yeah. Okay, well, if you like this episode please subscribe on itunes and uh if you leave me a nasty little message i will read it oh what's this episode this episode's little nasty message is well it's not a it's not a nasty nasty message this is a woman who came to my show she said you are the treat. You are the dream. Thank you for a good show and for telling my fiance to eat my pussy. Because that's something I do.

Okay, here's a fun one. This podcast is banging. And so is that booty. Okay, I hit on you a little. And I'm pretty sure this is my friend Emily. I am. My friend Emily who lives in Portland. Emily, if that was you a little. And I'm pretty sure this is my friend Emily. I am. My friend Emily who lives in Portland. Emily, if that was you, text me.

Here's another one. Nicole, I would be such a good wife for you. I'm a massage therapist and a fabulous cook. And I already have a super adorable half Asian baby. We can put her and the dogs in matching outfits for our Christmas cards. I guess that's not even nasty. Wait, can you say that one in a nasty voice?

Okay. Try again. You can do the next one in a nasty voice. Nicole, I would be such a good wife for you. I'm a massage therapist and a fabulous cook. I already have a super adorable half Asian maybe. We can put her in the dogs and matching outfits for our Christmas card. I just got pregnant.

Thank you. All right, Elizabeth. Thank you so much. Bye bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.