Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Flirting, Open Relationships, and Almost Dying (w/ Josh Sharp)

Episode Date: July 18, 2025

Comedian and friend Josh Sharp (Dicks: The Musical) returns to the podcast! Nicole and Josh kick things off by reminiscing about the chaotic live show where Nicole interviewed a man in the audience she had slept with. From there, they get into Josh’s foolproof flirting strategy at the club, Annabelle the haunted doll’s cursed tour across America, attending a Big Dick contest, and Josh’s near-death experience in Puerto Vallarta that left him facedown in the ocean with no memory of his own name.They also discuss the realities and benefits of open relationships, how to quiet negative self-talk while dating, and the dangers of eating straight men’s ass. Fun times!In New York? Get tickets to Josh Sharp's show, Ta-da! at joshsharptada.com.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Betterhelp: Visit Betterhelp.com/DATEME today to get 10% off your first month of therapy.» Wayfair: Wayfair. Every Style, Every Home.» Mint Mobile: This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/DATEME.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Listen now on Audible. One of my favorite things to do is to be out in the club. In the club. Some cutie comes up, I love your earrings, and I go, try them on for a spell, find me later. You know what I mean? Tell me that's not hot.

It's- Y'all can steal that. Y'all can steal that. You heard? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why Oh baby welcome to another episode of why won't you date me a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come in my nose and tell me it's Flonase. My guest today is an actor, a writer,

who wrote and starred in Dix the musical. His one-man show, ta-da, is now playing in Greenwich. Greenwich? The Greenwich House Theater. The Greenwich House Theater. Also, this person was on my, I think, 100th episode that I did live and ran into a man that I had fucked. Anyway, it's Josh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's paid off. You've been seeing a coach, right? A singing coach?

I actually have. Really? Wait, I love that. And I won't disclose their name because I'm doing poorly. No, no, no. Wait, I do want to get into that because I was remembering that coming over.

I was like, oh, it's so good to finally do the podcast. I was like, oh wait, I did it before, but we'd done a show in Boston where I opened for you. And then after did the podcast live in front of these Bostonians. And I don't remember being exactly sober. Do you know what I mean? No, I was not sober.

I feel like by the time of the pod, I was verging in a brownout space. A nightlight toasty mood. So this is certainly the first time I'm doing it where I'm really in the pocket. I have acuity. You've only had a couple of beverages. Yeah, and they're all of the coffee and water variety.

I'm hopped up on coffee as well. But yes, you did see a man who you had had SEX with. I did, and it was wild. I was like, why are you here? This is truly astounding. And then I think we exchanged numbers again, and then we had texted. And then, I don't know if I said this to you or anybody, I saw him again at my favorite restaurant, and I just simply didn't talk to him.

Now, the show, I understand how he knew you were there. Unfortunately, we post our tour dates, et cetera, et cetera. We do. The restaurant, I assume you had not given any indication you were going to be there. Not at all. So this man either had a clairvoyance or is a stalker.

Or got really lucky. Or it was a restaurant in the old neighborhood that I lived in and he lived in. Oh. So he was just out to dinner with his life. Hmm. But you didn't acknowledge? No.

And I don't think he saw me. And I was not my usually gregarious self. I was like, hush, hush, eat our dinner and go. You're known for your gregarity. Pfft. Everyone says Nicole by her gregarity. Well, that's a gregar right there. Woohoo!

The noun of someone who is gregarious, a gregar. A gregar. You're a real gregar over there. Josh, tell me about your clip-ons. Oh, this is actually good, because I've been doing... We were talking about it earlier. I've been doing several podcasts this week to promote the big, you know, off-Broadway run.

Ta-da! And when I say all these people, they're making me wear headphones, I have to take off my clip-ons. Podcast culture is homophobic in that way. This is the first podcast that let me be bare-eared. I'm an ally. Yes, let my ears breathe.

I'm an ally. I let the ears breathe. Yes, your lovely producer asked about them, and I did a thing often where I said, their clip-ons, do you want to try them on? Do you want to try them on? Yeah. I like these ones because they look like CD-ROMs. They do look like CD-ROMs.

Don't they? If you remember, the kids watching will not know what... No, I'm kidding. I think everyone knows what a CD-ROM is. I hope. God, we're old though. We're in our 70s now. I'm 76 years old. First time I did the podcast was when we were on the Borscht Belt. Oh my God, I can't put these on. What's the Borscht Belt?

Um, isn't that where in like the early 1920s, all the like vaudeville comedians would go in the mountains? In the Catskills? Ow! These hurt. These ones hurt a little. Oh my Lord, I simply can't wear a clip-on. That's okay, you had them for a moment. One of my favorite things to do is to be out in the club.

In the club. Some cutie comes up, I love your earrings! And I go, try them on for a spell, find me later. You know what I mean? Tell me that's not hot. Y'all can steal that. Y'all can steal that, you heard? We're already skipping to the end of the podcast where you're like, what advice do you have for single people? Clip on.

Clip on. Clip on earrings. Well, you're not single. No, I'm not. You've been partnered for almost, or no, 11 years this year. 11 plus years. Oh, how wild. And I said it off, but I'll say it on for accountability because he'll hear this.

He's a big fan of yours. Perhaps the biggest of all, and we have some funny friends, but yours. Perhaps the biggest of all. We have some funny friends, but we do. Your name comes up a lot. That makes me so happy because I think he is such a little dream, a little joy. Do you know what he texted me right before I came in? What he text you? He said to me, he said to me, he's going to really like this. What he said.

Come on. What he say? Tell me about her. Okay. Because I love her. And I said, I know, what'd he say? Tell me about her, okay? Because I love her. And I said, I know, I think she loves you too. He goes, well, just make sure she knows every single thing about me. So I guess we have to talk about every single thing.

That's the whole pot. Where was he born? In a one stoplight town in rural Georgia. Wait, really? Actually, yeah. We're both rural southern boys. You are a southern boy. You're from South Carolina? North Carolina. And culturally, they're very different, actually. South Carolina is a swamp, literally.

It's a human swamp, and, well, people are gonna be mad. The people there feel of that way. You know, they're swamp people. Whereas North Carolina is sort of lovely. It's got the mountains, it's got the beach. There's actually a whole history of, like, progressive, like, civil rights stuff that happened there. Like, it's much the beach. There's actually a whole history of progressive civil rights stuff that happened there. It's much more interesting and purple

than people think. Whereas South Carolina is a swamp. It is a swamp. Columbia, South Carolina, is that a place? Swamp. I believe I went there. Probably. Did you sink into the mire, into the muck? No, I did go to the slave museum. Sure, I bet. And which side was it on? I, you know...

Pro or anti? A lot of white people had a lot of things to say, and I was like, I think. And which side was it on? I, you know, a lot of... Pro or anti? A lot of white people had a lot of things to say, and I was like, I think this is your moment to not talk. I sure do bet. I sure do bet. Just maybe be a little quiet. Yeah. Yeah. And then it was funny, because I was walking around, and people always say it's a very charming place.

And for me, I was like... Depending on your race. I was like, it's not charming. This is like y'all wanted to freeze time on slavery. Or Jim Crow era. And that's what it felt like to me. And there's certainly a lot of aspects. I mean, we're really getting into it.

We are. That like, I'm sure there are people down there who have reckoned and confronted with these things. And there's ways to find it. But a lot of times they're just like, and this is the old slave block corner. And as if it's just sort of a cute thing. Like we don't do that anymore, but ha!

But wasn't it fun? I mean, the plantation that burned down after Annabelle arrived, did you hear about that? No, you're gonna have to say more. Mars's face is really funny. Okay, so Annabelle, the haunted doll. Oh, of course, everyone knows Annabelle. Honestly, if you're listening to this and don, so Annabelle, the haunted doll. Oh, of course, everyone knows Annabelle. Annabelle.

Honestly, if you're listening to this and don't know Annabelle, never listen again. Pick up a fucking book, educate yourself, get involved. Pick up a book and find out where the movie can be streamed and watch it. Yes, yes, so Annabelle is an old Raggedy Ann doll. I didn't know that, I thought she had her own identity. No.

But she is a licensed Raggedy Ann doll and she is on tour. I don't know if she had her own identity. No. But she is a licensed Raggedy Ann doll and she is on tour. I don't know if she's currently on tour, but when she arrived in Louisiana, 10 inmates escaped, two are still at large. This just happened? Ha ha, yep, this happened like three weeks ago. This is breaking news.

And then one of the biggest plantations in Louisiana burned down. Oh my, and you think Annabelle did it? I think Annabelle did it. Get her to DC, let her wreak havoc. That is so good. Annabelle's out there wrecking havoc. Annabelle's having a nice time burning shit down.

All y'all are like, oh, fight fascism, posting Instagram stories. Be like Annabelle. Get in these streets and burn shit down. Yes, be like Annabelle. You heard it here first on Why Won't You Day Me. Be like Annabelle. You guys are here first on Why Won't You Day. You guys are-

Be like Annabelle. Re-sharing Miss Rachel thinking that's the whole work. That's part of the work, but get in these streets and burn shit down like Annabelle the haunted doll. Miss Rachel is a woman who wears overalls and speaks to the kids. Yes, and she's been like so vocally pro-Palestine.

In a way that a lot of famous people are not. And people are- I love it. She's just like, it's about children dying like Obvious thing to say in the world honestly One it is the most obvious thing to say in the world to that's those are her people that she's talking to if there's less Of them she has less of an audience. I mean Yikes Anywho, so you and your partner are open. This is true. This is true. What a segue

This is true, you know true. What a segue. This is true. You know, they call me Nicole Seamless. This is true. Which I feel like I know from talking to you is not a journey for you and your partner. That's not what you want. No. I simply could not fathom them fucking anybody else. It makes me, uh, it makes me like, I'm not enough. And I know that's not what it is.

Well, but this is what I think. I'm not one of those people who thinks everyone needs to be in one, especially now. I feel like I used to talk about it more, like on stage and stuff. These days, everybody's grandmother is Polly. So it's like, who even, you know what I mean? Everyone is Polly.

And there's also aspects that I know you deal with where I'm like, there's another person who's in this too. So these days I'm like, I don't get into too many of the specifics of it. But what I think on a big level is like, what I believe you have to do is sort of honor the idea that you might find other people attractive. Do you have to act on that? No.

But so many relationships are built on the lie that I will only find you attractive. So I actually think it's important that even if you don't want to be open, that you just are allowed to tell your boyfriend, like, isn't that person hot? And they're like, totally. That's sometimes I think all that you need to do. I agree. Do you know what I mean?

And then if you can act on that in ways that are healthy and communicative and don't cause jealousy, I'm like, then do it. What's, you know, it can be fun. Yeah, why not? I personally would just be so fucking jealous. Yeah, so then it's like, sounds like it's not for you. No, not for me. Close me up, baby! But do you, well we're getting into it, I forget how much of this you like to talk about.

Do you still look at porn? Of course I look at porn. And so you'll look at other people and stuff. Yes. That's what I mean, it's like great, Slay, you're doing it. But I love looking at porn where the people look like me. Yeah, I get that. I love it so much, because then I get to, like, imagine me on it.

Uh-huh. Me on it? Yeah. Me in the porn? Do you all ever look at porn together? No, we haven't. Can be fun. Maybe I'll bring it up. Maybe I'll be like,

hey, you want to watch a nasty little movie? You want to get a little horny? In the theaters, of course. Yes! Mission Impossible, the final reckoning. It's just him sucking dick. Are there still porno theaters in LA? I think there's not in New York, but for some reason, LA feels like it still has some of that seediness.

Because you know, Giuliani cleaned up Times Square or whatever. I know, what an asshole. And we'll never forgive him for it. We'll never forgive him. You and I used to be va-va-voom turning tricks. Yeah, I was turning tricks, showing my thighs to people. It was actually our thighs that led Rudy to go, no more. And then Gianni said, no more.

No more. And then he said, but I will go to Total Landscaping and let my hair die. Here's the thing, that man got a rinse. I don't think he was getting a hair dye. No. And when you have a rinse, you can't be sweating. No.

Cause the color's just gonna come right out. It's not gonna be right. I can't believe I'm still talking about total landscaping eight years later or something. Well, it's one of the funniest things that's ever happened. It's so... For that to be the incorrect... Or no, four seasons landscaping, that's what it was. For that to be the incorrect booking is incredible.

And then they double down. And trust, I've done UCB Tour Co. You have too. I've done some shitty gigs. Lord. But four season landscaping, that is the funniest thing. I've done some shitty gigs. Lord. Four season landscaping. That is the funniest thing. That's the funniest booking of all time. It's just so iconic that they made a mistake and they said we're gonna do it right here. And they showed up and said well we still have to do it of course.

We have to. Any other producer I think would say like so here's the thing. It's the wrong venue so we're just gonna take the loss. We're gonna put out a memo that says we're gonna make up some bullshit and push it till next week. We're just gonna take the L. And we're gonna take the L. And they say, no, I need to sweat in front of these cameras. You don't even have to take an L. You can just sort of lie and have it be a neutral.

You can take an N and be like, next week we're gonna do it in real Four Seasons and we're gonna lie to you all about why. Yup. We're gonna say, Rudy's got a little cough. You know Rudy, he's got a little cough. So next week. Instead, he said, Rudy's got a little cough. You know Rudy, he's got a little cough. So next week... Instead, he said, I need to look like an ice cream cone. All melted up and shit.

I don't even remember what he was talking about. Nobody does. Yeah. Maybe he was urgent. Maybe he was pressing. He really faded away, didn't he? I guess he did. I think he's on cameo, though. I can get a cameo with melting Rudy Giuliani. I wonder how much it cost for him to do it

in front of the Four Seasons total landscaping. Probably more than we could afford. Probably more than we could afford, that's true. But good on him. You know, I don't knock the hustle. I don't knock the hustle from my mayor. My mayor, Rudy Giuliani. Oh, gosh. Wait, can you tell me?

Wait, first we have to take a break. I'd love that. [♪ music playing -♪.] You tell me. Wait, first we have to take a break. I'd love that. This ad is by BetterHelp. Workplace stress is no joke, especially right now. Everyone I know is feeling stretched thin. The hours are longer, the pay isn't going up, and we're all just trying to keep our heads above water. In times like these, it's important more than ever to take care of your mental health.

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I finally have a cozy setup that is perfect for get togethers. I grab these super cute planters from Wayfair, from my tomatoes, in my backyard, because yes, I'm a farmer, and I love showing them off while I entertain, like, oh this? Oh, that's just some crops I grew because I'm a farmer! I also picked up string lights and set the vibe. It made it all nice, and there's comfy chairs for everyone who actually wants to stay. Wayfair has everything.

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At last, the break has been for so long. God, I loved those products and services. Me too, that's why I did the ad break. You wanted to share from the bottom of your heart your earnest affection for all these products and services. Yes, I did. My God. But I do wanna talk about your Christmas card that you send out every year.

Yeah. It's so cute. Thank you. And I love it so much. Thank you. One year I got just a picture of you naked laying down. Sure. Just tushy out. I still have it.

That's good. It's the only Christmas card that I've gotten from somebody that I've kept. And I think I might frame it. And then you have a lot of my family ones too, where it's me and my cute family. Your family's so adorable. And y'all just seem like you love each other.

And that's nice. Honestly, yeah. It's fun. I feel lucky. That's nice. Because I know that's not everyone's journey No, but we really do hate their families. No, we really do. Um, you know what a lot of it was is What's many things I do think we always liked each other Mm-hmm, but my mom passed away like 15 years ago You know this and I do feel like it really like calcified the relationship of the rest of us

Not that I was like negative before but it brought us in so tight. And that has not changed since. I love that because families can go two ways when a matriarch dies. It's like either the family falls apart or the family gets stronger. And I love that yours is the latter. Yeah, it really was. It's simply just so sweet. Did any of that happen with you and your parents and your sister? You know, I think after my mom died,

my dad just didn't really know how to handle it. So I think if it was now, and therapy is so talked about, I think he probably would've gotten into therapy. And I think that would've been a little bit better. And then after my dad died, me and my sister did get closer in a way where we were like, it's just the two of us. So we have to choose to talk to each other on the phone. We have to choose to get along. We have to choose, you know, choose our battles essentially. Like I don't get mad at her about anything really, because I'm like, you're

living your life. And if we have a disagreement, we just agree to disagree. Yeah, which is a thing you can choose. So, yeah, in some ways I'm like, you know, it's hard now. I mean, it's all spent a long amount of time. So I don't have as much sadness because I'm sort of like, what a gift. What a lovely gift. That's a nice way to think about it. It is. It is.

I love it. And you can hear more about that in my off-Broadway show, Josh Sharp Tada. Tickets available now at joshsharptada.com. And I gotta say, it's an incredible show. I've seen it at workshops. Yeah, you open for the workshop. I haven't seen the full, the full tada, the full shebang. Fun to do it in the real...

Well, first of all, it's the Greenwich House Theater, which you know, because that was the site of immersive Sweeney Todd and the Pie Shop in 2019. I'm sure you were there. You could sit at the tables, they'd serve you pie, they'd jump up on them and dance around. Sweeney and the gang. So it's sort of my birthright as a gay man to get to do my show there.

This is sort of what we're promised. That you get to haunt the former home of immersive Sweeney Todd and the Pie Shop. You know what I mean? That's wild, because there's people in the pies. Oh, I know. Because someone asked me recently, they were like, how were the pies? And I was like, oh girl, I sat in the pies. Oh, I know. I actually, because someone asked me recently, they were like, did you, how were the pies? And I was like, oh, girl, I sat in the balcony.

I did one of the seats where I was like, I ain't doing all that. You know, like they had the seats that were like, do you want the actors to get in your face? Or not? And I was like, nope, sure. Simply don't. Simply don't want that. And then someone was like, I wonder if the pies were good. And it is funny because it's like, well, they have to have been bad, right?

Because that's sort of what the text is, is that she makes the worst pies in London. Yes. If you go to immersive Sweeney Todd and the pies are good, then you go, well this is gonna be a shitty production. You're doing something wrong. They missed, well I'm in for a bad show.

It's gonna be a terrible show, this pie is delicious. I don't even think they've read it. You know what I mean? I hope they serve cherry pie, because it looks like bloody people. That's fun. Hee hee hee hee. Do you like immersive theater? No, because it looks like bloody people. That's fun. Do you like immersive theater? No, I don't like immersive theater.

Get out of here, leave me alone. Again, we've done enough improv, that's immersive enough. It's very immersive, especially when you're doing a sound and movement, you're like, whoa, whoa, ah, whoa, ah. Making weird noises and shit, people are like, mm-hmm, this is art.

We, if you and I do improv again, well, one day you'll do it with Erin and I when you're in New York. Yes, I would love to. We should do a sound and movement opening. I haven't done one in a full decade. I also have it. But don't you feel like the three of us should do a sound and movement opening? Also, you changed your name from Big Fat Fatty's?

Or are you still Big Fat Fatty's? Oh, yeah. Well, me and Erin and Langen were Big Fat Fatty's. Yes. But now me and Erin just do the bell house where it's always like us and a guest. So we don't call it anything. I think, I don't know. I think you should bring back Big Fat Fatty's. I know. If Langen does it, we'll call it Big Fat Fatty's. It's and a guest. So we don't call it anything. I don't know. I think you should bring back Big Fat Fatties. I know.

If Langen does it, we'll call it Big Fat Fatties. It's such a funny name. You know what it is? I believe this. I'll stick a claim on it. But you know, you can cancel us all you want. But I just think the sound of those words is so funny. Big Fat Fatties.

Big Fat Fatties. Like divorced from meaning. It's just a nice sound. Big Fat Fatties. But it's not trying to imply that Big Fat Fatties are anything other than great. Big Fat Fatties are great. I love. Big fat fatties. But it's not trying to imply that big fat fatties are anything other than great. Big fat fatties are great. I love a big fat fatty.

And we're three of the skinniest lanky little skinny minis. Which is funny because if people don't know who you are and they go to the show and they're like, wait, where are the fatties? I was promised a fatty. One time, do you remember Ryan Williams, who used to be a UCB person? Yes, of course. One time he was making fun of me and Aaron, who were both lanky, gangly guys.

Very tall. And he was trying to imagine the two of us having sex, and he went, like a net full of king crabs. And I've never forgotten that. That's so funny. Y'all two having sex would be like a net full of king crabs, he said. That is truly iconic. So yeah.

I mean, yeah, it would be too many limbs. It would be too many limbs. Do you find that you and your partner's body shapes fit well together for sex? A lot of sex is geometry, and they don't want to talk about that. It is. You can have all the chemistry in the world, if the angles aren't right, nothing's happening.

I fully, fully agree. And that's why, like, I've dated plus, I've dated fatties. I've dated fatties, and it's it's just like not worked with our fat bodies. But you could get like a pillow and like really adjust it. But here's the thing. I don't want to do work. I just wanted to get, just get it in there. You want it in there. Just get in there and then come all over me.

Sure. Let the rain come down. On my face. And shine my skin, I don't know Up in my nose, call it flow-name Call back to the opening It was a lovely call back Thank you so much, that's that UCB training that we have

Tell me a little bit about your show please Tell the listeners about your show I'd love to It'll be July 7th through August 23rd Sam Pinkleton's directing Yes Sam's directing, Omeri fame. Sam's directing. Mike and Carly are producing it, who did Omeri,

and also did Jaclyn Novak's show, and Kate Braline's show, and Michael Bickman. So I feel like in many ways it's one of those sort of theatrical stand-up, storytelling jokes kind of shows. And I do actually talk about my mom some, because she bullied me out of the closet before she died, and tell a bunch of gross sex stories,

and that kind of thing. But then it's all inside of this device where I have a 2000 slide PowerPoint and I've memorized all the cues and it's really hard. So you're sort of seeing me do one of those shows while juggling this other thing, if that makes sense. It does make sense. And it's funny because I watched it backstage.

Oh no, you couldn't see that part. I couldn't see any of the slideshow and you came back and you're like, I hit them all, da da da. And I was like, you hit all of what? And you're like, the slide. And I was like, oh, I thought it was a bit. I was like, no, I made myself memorize 2,000 cues for no reason.

Listen, there is a reason. Comedy is hard. Comedy is hard. Comedy is an art. It's such an art. Well, and with this, I realized, I was like, if I'm gonna do one of these where people are paying, like, more than Bell House prices, less than Broadway, but it's a real theatrical experience,

and I have a bunch of stunty, cunty designers and directors. There's a team. But I was like, I want you to see that I worked fucking hard for you. Also, it's just funny to me. It's funny to me to give yourself an impossible task. And it means a lot of times I'm saying one thing and you're reading different jokes behind me.

You know what I mean? So there's a lot going on while I'm doing this. I love it. It feels fun. Going back to your earrings. Mm-hmm. Have you ever taken them off and been like find me later and then someone's like, ew, no. Basically, not no. Not in that way. If someone says no, it's just because they're like they honestly are like either they have ears pierced. They're like I don't want to do it. Which I'm always like, no, find a place. I think that's fun to like clip them on top and stuff. No, find a place.

Or they're just like, clip-ons always hurt my ears. I'm like, oh, well then don't, don't then. Oh, I don't want to cause you pain. Or maybe you do. But no one's ever said, ooh, but I guess sometimes in those spaces, you know, is anyone going to be like, that's too unhygienic for me to share earlobes? It's like you're in the, you're in this queer club.

Yeah. You're having a nice time. Yeah. Remember we went to West Hollywood, I cannot remember, but there was a hole competition and a woman entered and everyone booed her hole. A hole competition. Yeah. Show your hole, your butt. Wait, where was that? It was somewhere in West Hollywood. and everyone booed her whole? A whole competition. Yeah, show your whole, your butt. Wait, where was that? It was somewhere in West Hollywood.

Oh yeah. Wait, did you ever go with me back in the day to BFD? There used to be a bar called Foo Bar. I've been to Foo Bar. Okay, so Foo Bar was like from New York and then closed down and said, we'll reopen in LA, which no one's ever done. You know what I mean?

It's like usually a bar closes and they move two blocks. But it felt like a New York bar. It was like seedy and gross. Maybe that's where it was. Well, they used to have a thing called BFD, Big Fucking Dick. And people would go in back and let a drag queen take a Polaroid of their cock.

And then they'd hang them on a clothesline. And at the end of the night, everyone would clap for their favorite dick and you would get like a picture of beer or something. Maybe that's what it was. No, but I feel like it was a show your whole contest. Cause there was a woman who entered and everyone booed when they saw her was. That's what I think. No, but I feel like it was a show your hole contest because there was a woman who entered and everyone booed when they saw her picture.

I don't like that. I don't like that. I can't remember if that, I can't remember that. I don't mind it. I think that's funny. Who she got booed? Maybe it was show your dick and maybe that's why it was a boo.

Maybe. Because it was like, well, show your dick and you don't have one. And she showed a hole. She showed a hole. Maybe that was it. Nobody wanted the hole.. She showed a hole. Nobody wanted the hole. Which is, you know... They wanted the pole.

Give... But I guess... Yeah. You like hole too, right? You like both. I like hole, I like pole, I like all of it. It's fun. I refuse to label myself. I know, I think that's good. But even if you were just like down the line straight,

I'd be like, well, eat his ass, come on. There's holes on boys, there's holes on everybody. Here's the thing about eating straight men's ass. Yeah, good point. Sometimes, sometimes it's not always clean. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Sometimes you say, you gotta head to the shower. You gotta really teach them, don't you? Clean up that butt. You gotta really teach them, don't you? Clean up that butt. You gotta really teach them. Thank God my partner has a clean butt. Sasheer used to have that bit about house training, right? Like house training your boyfriend and then breaking up and being like, but I taught you all these tricks for the next one.

Which is such a good joke. It's a perfect joke. It's so funny. Wouldn't change a syllable. Sure, certainly wouldn't. Uh-uh. Am I having a stroke? Sasheer. Oh my God. Sure, certainly wouldn't. Uh-uh. Am I having a stroke? I'm like, yeah. Um...

Hi, Sasheer. I saw... Do you know Sasheer was like my first New York friend? This I did know, because... We like met at a volan... We were both like working at AmeriCorps. It was like an AmeriCorps job. And truly like met on the first day and she was like,

I'm in UCB 201. I was like, I just signed up for UCB 101. What year was this? 2009. Hmm. How about that? Because I swear... I swear on my dead mother, because she's dead. And my dead daddy. They're all dead.

That I met her. You've got twice the powers I have. I think I met her in 2008. You met Sashir? Okay. But she claims to have not moved to New York until 2009. Yeah, she did move before me, but I was freshly there in August 2009 and met Sasheer. Hmm. So she moved before me, but still could be true that it was in 2009.

There's actually several months before August, I'm realizing. Eight. So she could have moved in one of those. But you really think it was 2008? I really do. Is it something about the election? What, what, what, what, why do you remember 2008? Because that's when I started doing UCB

and I feel like I started doing UCB and then met her very quickly. Mm-hmm. But maybe a whole year went by. I don't know. I recently, because this like PR camp agency for my show was like gonna do targeted ads. Mm-hmm.

Which by the way, keep getting sent to me. Yeah, you're the target. You gotta make it to the show. Well, I'm like, I'm already there every time. Also, you're trying to sell tickets. I'm the one person who doesn't have to buy a ticket. Yeah, you get a lot of comms. It's like, you're so right, you're wrong now. I'm absolutely the target, but I'm not gonna leave the sale.

I'll tell you, I bet you targeted ads are powered by AI, and AI is so right that it's wrong. It's bad. Stop using chat GPT. Don't even use it for fun. I don't even like it as a joke It's bad. Stop using chat GPT. Don't even use it for fun. I don't even like it as a joke. Did you know people have chat GPT relationships? That movie Her is becoming,

so many movies are becoming reality. What do you mean chat GPT is your boyfriend? It's not right. You just talk to your fucking phone all day every day. It's not right. What is happening? It's not right. Can we talk about your accident or no?

Oh yeah, sure. Which I also do bring up in the show, unfortunately. We're like, it feels like we keep doing promo, but literally it is in JoshArpTada. Tickets on sale now at josharptada.com. Ta-da! But yeah, we can't. You were in Puerto Vallarta.

And you got taken by the water. Apparently, I have no memory of what happened because I hit my head. Dude, what's the last thing you remember? The last thing I remember is I was going into the water, and I wasn't very deep, I was only up to my knees. I was starting to go in, not swimming. And I remember seeing this massive wave about to come.

And I remember hearing people who were in deeper than me go, fuck, that's a big wave. I have nothing. So I don't remember the instant where I must have hit my head. And I come to an hour later, and I'm on the beach talking to this Canadian nurse and I'm just like, who are you? And she'd been talking to me forever, apparently.

And you were talking? Yeah, I don't remember what I was saying, but I just remember coming to talking to her and just being like, I'm sorry, I'm so confused. And luckily she was a nurse and she surely was like, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, you took a hit. But she pieced together that basically, this massive wave sort of like rocked everybody.

She hadn't seen me at this point, and she was like, after these three waves passed, you were just like unconscious, drowned, floating face down. And so they went and grabbed me and pulled my body in and luckily knew how to like get me to cough up a bunch of water. And then I like came back, and then they sat me up and talked to me for like 30 minutes, and I was just like, who am I? Where am I?

Oh. Do you want to know the best part? Yes. They said what I've learned from her, which I need to talk to her again, but I've sort of not wanted to. I got a report through my brother, and I was like, I sort of need to let it just be what I know and not learn every detail. I didn't know my name. I didn't know where I was.

The only thing I knew is that I was like, I'm from New York. Hehehe. Fully concussed, rep my city down, bitch. I was just like, I'm from New York. I'm so confused. I'm from New York. They're like, do you know your name, sweetie? I'm from New York. I'm from New York.

Baby, do you know where you are? No. I'm from New York. I'm from New York. Josh, that is so fucking funny. Don't you love that? I simply love that. That is truly wild.

The part of my psyche was like, let go of who you are. Let go of where you are. But I am from New York. But hold on deeply that you've lived in New York for 16 years. Wherever I am, I'm on the beach. Send me back to New York to figure out who I am. That's so scary though.

I got a text from you explaining what happened. And I was like, Josh, what? What's also crazy is it's like, that is such an insane thing to happen, but one, I don't know any of the insane parts. Like, my poor boyfriend was the one who dealt with it. Because then even the hours after that

are sort of dodgy for me, where I'm in and out a little bit. Like, I sort of remember it. He lived to be more than I did. But also that it's like, then... So I went to the hospital because I watered my lungs and they're like you're gonna catch pneumonia like we have to make sure you're good. Two days later I was fine. I'm like, all right, go home and rest. That like shit crazy shit can happen to you.

And two days later they're like goodbye. Could have died but didn't. Get back out there kid. Go back to New York. Truly. And then I had sort of a four month depression and then came out of it. You know, it like, it certainly brought up a bunch of shit where I was like, what the hell just happened? Yeah. That, I mean. So it both feels like this massive thing that happened and also like, huh, isn't that funny, you almost died.

You know, it feels like the biggest thing in the world. And also just like, I hear something crazy happening to me. I hear something crazy happen to you. Streets is saying I almost died. The street word on the street is saying I almost died. Word on the street is, I was almost a dead boy. I have not had a near death experience, but I did go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning

when I was 17 and they let you legally, or they let you leave still legally drunk. They let you leave at point 08, the hospital. Just in any part of the country? I believe so. You think we were still in Puerto Vallarta with that rule? Nope. As long as you're at the legal limit,

you are okay to leave. So I was like drunk in a hospital being like, huh, how do I get home? Well, you know what else is funny? Because it was PB, again, I was there like two nights. The care was lovely. This doctor was wonderful. The water left my lungs, so they were like, you're good.

And I had a concussion, but they were basically like, you just need a rest. Because it's like when you sprain a muscle, you rest it. They're like, if you have a brain gush, they're just like sleep like a motherfucker. For like a month, I was like dizzy sometimes. And I royally fucked up my voice. So that like took a month to come back,

because I just like truly, this is sort of bleak. I went to my throat doctor, because I've had polyps before, because I was like, my voice is crazy. And he scoped it with the camera and showed me, he was like, it's covered in bruises. And he's like, you basically must have been like, your body was just sort of like, violently trying to not drown.

Like you were just like choking on water violently to not drown. And it didn't totally work. And then luckily this woman saved me. So it was just like, my voice was fucked up. I actually find myself getting like feeling feelings about it. Because it's weird to talk about these things where I was like, I don't have memory of this thing that happened in my mind.

It's crazy. But anyway, other than that, it was fine. But what was I going to say? I got on a tangent. Oh, this is why. Because you're bringing up the drunk of it all. When I left, two days later, the doctor like sees me at this lovely doctor, and he's like, and no more drinking and swimming.

And I was totally sober. But it was just a freak accident that happened. But because it's part of our act, he's like, another drunk gay guy who drowned himself. I'm like, no, my dude. I don't know what happened. But I think, I actually sort of have a theory that it was like a sort of normal tumble and I hit my head on a rock or something.

Cause I wasn't in deep, but I love that he was like, no more drinking and drowning. No more drinking and drowning, my friend. I see why you'd think that, but it's not what occurred. And you're like, okay, cool. Yeah, that's so wild. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I do...

And yet I didn't. But yes, it was a wild couple of months to deal with the aftermath of it. But I do love that you... I received your sorry. Hey, thank you for receiving. Therapists would tell me sometimes to let other people's things in and not just be like, that's fine. I do that all the time.

I'm like, whatever, it's fine. I had someone the other day who's like, just take the compliment. And I was like, okay, it's fine. Ta-da-da. I had someone the other day who was like, just take the compliment. And I was like, OK, sorry about it. It's really hard to receive nice things sometimes. How are you finding that? This is really good, Mars. I'm bringing it back to the topic. In your relationship, which I feel like this

is like the most serious relationship you've had as long as I've known you. Yeah. And with a coupling, it is hard to like, get yourself to like, take in that love from another person if you're not good at that. I'm not good at it. And there was, at one point, very early on,

he was making me something and I was like, "'Do you want help? I'm not good. "'And I'll maybe fuck it up for you.'" And he was like, "'You have to stop saying that.'" He's like, "'You're not gonna fuck anything up. "'If I need help, I'll ask for it, but like, don't be mean to... He was essentially being like,

don't be mean to the person I like. Mine doesn't like when I do that either. But sometimes I'm just like, but I'm an idiot. I find it to be an exorcism, and it's actually about things that are not serious. It's like when I do something clumsy, because I'm a bit of a klutz, which feels so just like outside of my own body's control. It's like when I do something clumsy, because I'm a bit of a klutz, which feels so just like outside

of my own body's control, it's like I fucking knock something over. I need like 20 seconds to truly be like, you fucking idiot, what the fuck did you do? And then I'm through it, but I need to like get these demons out. And he's been in the room, when it happens, he's like, that makes me so uncomfortable, please don't do it around me. And I'm like, totally. And so now I don't do it around him. You save it. But when I'm'm like, totally. And so now I don't do it around him. You save it.

But when I'm home alone, if I do something stupid, I need 15 seconds of being like, you fucking idiot. How can you do that? I dropped... I dropped something yesterday. I can't remember what it was, and I went, well, well, well. Well, aren't you just a dumb, stupid bitch who ruined her day? And then I started laughing and I was like, wait, am I crazy?

I only do it about stuff that's not that serious. And it gets that feeling out of me. And then I immediately go back to like laughing and being like, God, I love myself. God, I'm so fun to be with me. You know what I mean? So like that is the actual baseline. Do you ever alone say something to yourself

that's deeply, deeply funny? And then you go, huh, I'm good. I love to just, I love to laugh at myself. We wrote, Erin and I wrote a line for Megan Mullally's character that I think didn't make the movie, but in Dix we had her sit and go, God, I love to just sit in a chair and remember my memories.

And we were like, that is us. No, I think it's in the movie. I love to just, okay, good. Cause I'm like, that's me. I like to just sit there and go I remember that I said that funny thing It's so good. It's fun to be in these bodies, right? I think I said last night to my to my partner. I said something and he laughed and I went hmm, aren't I funny?

And he was like, yes Nicole very funny and I was like, thank you so much cuz um And he was like, yes, Nicole, very funny. And I was like, thank you so much. I just so forget. Cause, um, again, I hope everyone flocks to the Greenwich House Theater to see the show. But most of why I do it is cause I'm like, I could sort of do it to a wall. Like I do just sort of like to do this thing. It tickles me and thus, and thus I want to give it to you to see if you were also tickled by it. Yes.

But it's like, I'm not really just doing it to like, it's like, that is a part of it. But really it has to start with like, can I do this alone in my room and be like, I'm not really just doing it to like, it's like, that is a part of it. But really it has to start with like, can I do this alone in my room? And be like, this is funny to me. This is funny to me. Sometimes I'll do it. Which not every comedian works. I find some of them are like,

I need to get out and test what works with the crowd. And there's obviously an aspect of that, especially in how you refine it. But I really believe I'm like, I need to be able to do the whole thing in my house and be like, that's funny. I do, when I write a new joke, I have to have at least a line in it

that really gets me good. Cause sometimes on stage, I have like a couple lines where every time I say them, I laugh really hard because I think it's genuinely so funny. And you say something where it's like, I've never heard anybody else say this in this way. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ooh.

But then sometimes I'll try a new joke and they won't laugh, and I'll be like, why? And it's a genuine why? Can we figure it out right now on this day? Do you have this tendency where sometimes those jokes, I'm like, not that I want to torture them, but I'm like, I'm going to figure out how to... Oh, yeah.

Or I'm going to still land it, have it not work, and then make jokes about how it doesn't work, and then be like, let's unpack why I like this and you don't. Yes, I'll do that. And then get laughs from that and be like, well, that's the joke, I guess. The joke is I say the part for me, you hate it. I comment on your discomfort,

and then we all laugh at that together. I think I have a 10-minute joke currently where I said the premise at a show and nobody laughed, and I was like, hmm, we'll figure this one out. And boy, oh boy, did it blossom and grow I said the premise at a show and nobody laughed and I was like, hmm, we'll figure this one out. And boy oh boy did it blossom and grow into the longest bit ever that now people enjoy because I make them enjoy it.

I was like, oh, I'll figure out a way. Oh, you didn't like it now? You're not gonna like it in six months. Someone to me is like, well, if you're here for this brain, buckle up, we're gonna go on a ride together. Yes, let's have a nice time. Let's all get in the saddle of this id and see where she takes us. Id?

Yeah, the id, the like, well, there's the conscious and then the subconscious and the id's like the part below that that's like these impulses that you aren't in control of. I believe I'm definitely sure I'm saying that wrong. I'm sure someone at home who knows psychology is like that is so wrong You have a doctorate, you're Dr. Sharp. That's true. Preach on, sister from New York I do have a master's. Do you? In special education with an extension in severe disability work How do you think I'm so good with all these comedians?

But I used to see special ed Yeah, my master's is in autism, and I'm good with comedians. You're great with comedians. Wonder how. Wonder why. Wonder how. Also, the call is coming from inside the house. Little bit of the tism up here too, I believe.

I feel like so many people are on the spectrum and refuse. Oh, it's a great way to be. I think it's a great way to be too. Almost every creative is, I find. I think everybody has some sort of like. Oh, this doesn't work the way everybody else's does? Yes. Yeah, that's why you do this. Normal is so like Linear and boring and small. I feel like so many people. Normal isn't normal. Yeah, normal isn't normal. Normal is weird.

Normal. Everyone is weird. Everyone has a little weird thing. Neurotypical as they'd say in the business. Yeah. It's like it's that's the weird one to me. Like your brain doesn't want to do all these zigs and zags like mine does. That's the fun part. Yeah. It's the zigging and zagging. Your brain at 9pm doesn't want to talk about Teletubbies and Labooboos. I love Labooboos!

I don't have one though. You are going down, you know, 3am Eurovision wormholes on YouTube just to get to the bottom of something, you know? Wait, what did I look up the other night and opened my phone and I was like, what the fuck, Nicole? Oh, I was watching Hoarders, so I was looking up the different stages of hoarding. And boy, oh boy, level two is kind of crazy. I don't know the different stages.

So level one is like, oh, there's just boxes in places and you're like, oh, it's a little messy. Level two is like food by the bed and dirty bathrooms and mold starting. And I was like, that's level two. And then, like, level three is like, it's harder to get into rooms and maybe your bathroom doesn't work.

And I was like, how are there still more levels? Level five is like, you'll fall through the floor. Oh, my God. My level one is piles. I like the floor. Oh, my God. My level one is piles. I like little piles. Oh, I have so many little piles. Piles of paper and books. I just need... I like little piles around. Same.

My boyfriend, who's really good at this kind of stuff, has taught me to use trays to decrease visual clutter. Oh. Because I have this need to be like, well, I want my hand cream and these Kleenex and this weird wire and that, I need these five little things on that table. He's like, well, if you put them all in one little tray, it sort of, it looks like it's intentional that they're all there.

Clutter would make it fashion. Literally. It's literally. I love that. It's Tim Gunn to clutter. You know what I mean? Like, make it work. I mean, somebody could walk into my house and be like, wow, clutter. But I'm like, curated clutter. Yes. Personality.

I'm having a little bit of fun. Curios. Chachkis. I love a chachki. I love a thing. I just bought a dinosaur purse. And when it came, I was like, huh. So where I thought I could put things, there's stuffing. Mm-hmm. And I need to get a longer strap for it

because I want it to be a crossbody. Well, those are in. I love a crossbody. Yeah. A dinosaur crossbody would look right on you. Right? It's black leather. It's stunting. Black leather in that little girl's eyes.

Black leather in a red, red, red. What is it? Reds? Red? Red wild? Black. I don't know. This is good. Black bird in the dead of night. Black bird singing in the dead of night. We'll be right back after this quick break. Did you see Cowboy Carter? I did. I loved it. You know, Beyoncé is an icon. I loved it.

I love Rumi. Rumi said, I'm done. We do this every night? And that is funny to me. It's so funny. You know what is one of the funniest jokes of the show to me? When she's doing her sort of Renaissance,

like, let's bring it to the ball portion again, and Honey Balenciaga comes out, and all the icons come out. When Blue Ivy gets to stomp the runway, Beyoncé plays the ball. And then she's like, oh, let's bring it to the ball portion again. And Honey Balenciaga comes out and all the icons come out. When Blue Ivy gets to stomp the runway, Beyoncé plays deja vu. That is a joke. I did not clock that. That is a great joke, actually.

I was laughing out loud. I said that to people after. I was like, isn't that funny? They're like, what are you talking about? I was like, Beyoncé played deja vu for Blue Ivy to stomp the runway. That's funny. That is funny and I did not clock it. I bet that was a blue joke. Blue's great. Blue's good. We'veomp the runway. That's funny. That is funny. I did not clock it I bet that was a blue joke blues great. It was good. We've seen the doc She's given notes love that she was selling her hair care products at the concert I was like what I buy my shampoo and then I hold it when I watch you or put it in

I don't know. I thought it was called Creed. It's called sacred just secret Oh Yeah, Creed I thought it was called Creed. It's called Sacred, just sacred with a C. Oh yeah, Creed. And I, when someone said sacred, I went, oh thank God I never said that out loud. Cause I'd be like, oh, I want to try that Creed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Were you ever into the band Creed? They were really big for me.

With arms wide open. Middle school, I remember going on the Washington DC trip. Buying that CD again. CD. Literal CD. Yes, CD. Because I was still coming out of a phase where I only listened to contemporary Christian music and I was trying to get into secular music.

And Creed was rock music, but they sort of sang about God. Yeah, it's a Christian rock band. Exactly. So it felt like they were number one on the charts, but I was like, but I know it's with arms wide open. Those are Christ's arms. Yes. Can you take me higher? Nowhere higher than heaven, you know? So I was like, but I know it's with arms wide open. Those are Christ's arms. Yes. Can you take me higher?

Nowhere higher than heaven, you know? So I was so indecreed. Scott Staff, I think is his name. I think Stapp with P's, right? Maybe? Maybe you're right. I don't know. I simply don't know. But I love that voice. Mars, what do you say?

I'm really putting Mars to work like it's my podcast. Yeah, yeah. Scott Stapp. OK, thank you. Stapp. Thank you. With, thank you. Stapp. Thank you. With arms wide open. I once, during the pandemic,

was with John Milheiser, my old roommate, and we put on that video, and we stood inches from the TV with our arms wide open, singing along to it. And I was like, we gotta get back outside. We did a lot of wild stuff. We gotta get out of here. Do you remember Zoom shows? Girl, yeah. I was reflecting, we gotta get back outside. We did a lot of wild stuff. We gotta get out of here. Do you remember Zoom shows?

Girl, yeah. I was reflecting on this last night. I did not do them. Well, you'll love this. I did a couple. And at one point, especially because I was like, God, I just need money for my art. Through a friend connection, she was like, my office,

she just worked in a normal office, was like, they're not doing the holiday party this year. So instead they want to just have a comedian come on Zoom. Do you think you'd want to do it? And I was like, yes. And she's like, we need an hour. And so I was like, you know what? I'm going to find someone else and split the time

because I can't do a whole hour on Zoom. Yeah, an hour on Zoom. And guess who I picked to fill the hour with me? Who? Christy Cello. Oh. And me and Christy did a half hour. What a dream. And then it went so well, I would not say that,

we ended up doing like four of them that week. She was like, there's this other office you could do too. Me and Christy Cello went on a Zoom tour December of 2020, playing offices all over the country. Oh my God. To varying degrees of success. Some liked us a little, some were like, faces off silent. And again, to the point of like, I can do this to a wall.

I was like, well, I guess I'm just gonna say my 25 minutes out loud to me. Christy would be camera on laughing. Then Christy would do hers and I'd be, oh, eating her shit up. Or we'd take $500 and be like, thank God I'm a comedian still. Honestly, best case scenario,

just having a nice time on Zoom with a friend while other people are just muted. I would say twice a year. I mean, Christy and I talk and still keep up. But twice a year, I get a text from Christy, goes, remember our Zoom tour. Oh. Josh, that's fucking incredible. Well, and no better.

That, me, a producer, that's the best booking for that kind of thing. Absolutely. You're like, who's filling the hour with you? Christy Trello. Christy Trello. She's the best booking for that kind of thing. You're like, who is filling the hour with you? Christy Trello. She's the best. She's been on the pod.

Well, Josh, I could talk to you for hours, for days, for weeks, for months, for years. But we have come to the end. It's the way of things. We talked about relationships enough, I feel. Barely. Do you? But this is what happens when I have friends on the podcast. It's just a nice time.

And they need that too. Also, go back to seven years ago, listen to us browned out, probably talking about all sorts of relationship nonsense. Just talking about holes and fucking. Probably popping off saying shit we shouldn't have said. Saying the wildest things. Oh, do you have any advice for single people?

Jesus Christ. More clip-ons, we already did that. Yes, yes, yes. God, I feel like you've gotten so much advice through this podcast. Can I just say, on Wikipedia, under personal life, it says, Sharp is openly gay, he enjoys reading. Isn't that so good? It's really funny.

Yeah, someone pointed that out to me recently. It's incredible. That's all personal life. Josh is openly gay, he enjoys reading. He enjoys reading. Where's the lie, though? No lie. No lies detected. When I walked in, you were reading a book. Brontes Pernell, respect. You would like it.

I think I'm going to get the book. Right now, I'm reading Shards by Brett Easton Ellis. Oh, I don't know this. It just came out in 2023. But so far, it's fun. I'm 150 pages in. That's great. I was getting my hair done, so it was easy to read it. But it's harder in my house to read. But I think pages in. That's great. I was getting my hair done so it was easy to read it.

But it's harder in my house to read. But I think I'm gonna try to do like a morning routine where I like wake up, read a little. Yeah. Maybe this is sort of related to the advice for single people that I feel like people have given. I mean, it's always that basic advice of like, you have to love yourself first, you know what I mean?

But also to our point, it's like, maybe go out there and find the things that you get love from doing, even if they make you look stupid. Not just to get out there and you'll meet people. Sometimes that, but I think by making yourself a person who wants to go and take a pole dancing class and do all this dumb shit,

you open yourself to the universe for that person to come in your life. And you put yourself in a position to be ready for it to happen. And you're just more interesting because you do shit. Also that. I just feel like it's not like... I feel like sometimes people think that advice is like, join a club so you meet somebody. It's like, join a club so you're the type of person

who people want to meet. You know what I mean? It's like, I do think you have to like do the things that are like, I love this, I'm figuring out who I am and what I love and what I want to do and what I want to be. Because one, just I do, you know, witchy, she-she sort of way, think like you open yourself to the universe. But I also think you become the kind of person that attracts other people. Also, if you're socially awkward,

guess what, you get your reps in when you talk to two people from the class you take, you know, once a week. And you can like step out of just talking to your coworkers or your, like the couple of friends that you have or whatever. Like if you don't have a robust social life, that's how you get more people involved. And then you're just open for possibilities. Also, don't forget, being in a relationship is good if it's a good relationship.

Yeah, and then it's bad. I was gonna say like, being in a relationship is not the goal without going, tell me more. And I think sometimes single people, which I know it can be just, feel lonely, but it's like, you gotta remember, you're trying to seek the thing. One, there's parts of being single that are fucking great. Especially if you've built a good network of friends,

which should be the work you're doing. But it's like, being single fucking rules. So enjoy those parts and know that, like, the fact that you don't have a relationship isn't a failure. We know so many people in relationships but it's like being single fucking rules. Yes. So enjoy those parts and know that like the fact that you don't have a relationship isn't a failure. We know so many people in relationships that it's like... That they're fucking miserable. Get out of there, girl! You know?

Molly, you in danger, girl. Thank you. I have some friends where I'm like, ooh, ooh, ooh, girl. Yeah. So I do think that's the thing to remember is like a thing's good because it's good. So find the good parts of your single life, lean into those, explore those, and then hopefully that will lead to the relationship. It'll make you happier in the meantime and it will find, it will make you attractive to other people.

I love that. Where's this shirt from? I got it at a thrift store. It's nice. I think they're called Guayavera. They're like Cubano shirts. They're nice. It's nice. I like it. Every time, anyone of my friends who's like of Cuban descent, they're like, my grandpa has that.

My grandpa has that shirt. It's a great shirt. It also looks light and good. It's hot today. I know and actually I wore another t-shirt sort of for you. This t-shirt I have that says I heart your wife. It's really good. I'll show you. But then a woman at a coffee shop gave me a coffee without the lid on correctly. I did this all the way down. She hated your shirt. She hated my shirt.

She was trying to sabotage you. Thank God I packed this. Cause I truly was like, it's so hot. I might need to change if I get sweaty. But I think the universe was leading me to this shirt. Yes, cause it's fabulous. I love it. You can borrow it.

Like my clip-ons. Have it. Don't mind if I do, I'll put it right on my thigh. Do you have anything you want to... Wait, would you date me? Yes, absolutely. We would have so much fun. I think we would be psychotic. It would be crazy. I do think if we dated, it would have to be open. I think it would also have to be open.

Not just for sexual reason, I just think we'd have to be times where it's like, this is too crazy. Can you go do this with someone else for a minute? I also think our neighbors would hate us. Oh, yeah. I think they would be like, it has to get a little quiet at some point. I know, but you know what? I think we'd know that and we'd be the they would be like, it has to get a little quiet at some point. I know. But you know what? I think we'd know that.

And we'd be the people who are like, sitting over a coconut cake every Friday. We'd be like, I know I'm annoying. So here you go. So here you go. Here's a coconut cake. Yeah, I think we'd be... I think we'd have a good time. What would you like to promote? Did I ask you that? Well, I've actually already done it too many times,

but I'll do it one more time. Josh Sharpe, tada. Now running at the Greenwich House Theater of immersive Sweeney Todd fame in New York City, July 7th through August 23rd. Tickets are on sale at josharptada.com. Thank you for coming, I know you'll love it. Great place to take a date, the West Village.

Have a martini, you're Carrie Bradshaw. Yes, walk by Gay Street. Literally. Which I think is just so fun. Are you watching it just like that? It just started, right? Yes. The new season? No, I need to. I haven't watched it. Me neither Which I think is just so fun. Are you watching it just like that? It just started, right? Yes. The new season?

No, I need to. I haven't watched it. Me neither, but I can't wait to. I also can not wait. I love it, literally love it. Same. Period. Same, and I just watched the whole series again,

and then the movies, and I think the movies. I love both the movies. People don't wanna have that conversation. The movies are so funny to me. They're perfect. Because the show is called Sex in the City and they leave the city. They leave the city and they just go full, like,.1%. They're like, what if it's just sort of like apartment porn?

Carrie has an appr... Carrie goes in her closet and it is like the size of a three-bedroom. Truly. They just let these women be the... They let these white women be these white women. I have a theory. So I feel like the first canon for me

is seasons one through four, no, five, in the middle of five. And I think a different canon starts the middle of five into the movies. And then I think a different canon starts with and just like that. I think you're right. And really even a different canon is like season one

where they're still like, what the hell is the show? And then like two through five becomes like, the girls are slumming it, wink, wink. And then six through canon is like season one where they're still like what the hell is the show? Yeah, they're like two through five becomes like why we'll say the girls are slumming it wink wink And then six through movies is like we we have so much money Carrie goes to Paris and wears it like a fucking Thousands of dollar dress to go to sleep in and then now the newest canon is like Steve's falling apart in death because he's 51 Years old it's like he's a thousand. He's like, Miranda, what?

I can't hear you, what? Miranda! I think he's two years older than us. Miranda! It's as if he's the crypt keeper. I just love and love it. I love it, so anyway, I gotta watch. All right, well.

Actually, that's what I wanna promote. And just like that. And just like that, coming to Max, soon to be HBO Max again. Let's say this, let's make a plea. Michael Patrick King, I did an under five on Two Broke Girls, I bet you did. I didn't.

Oh, you never did? No. But I bet you've been in his universe. I haven't. That sucks. Let me in and just like that, please. Let us be a couple. I wanna play a straight couple.

We could be the new iteration of Nathan Lane and his wife. Yes, oh my God, because that character's dead, which sucks, to have learned off screen. They mentioned it and just like, oh yeah, and he died. I'm like, really? Yeah, we should be the new where I'm straight and everyone's like, he's straight. And they're like, of course this woman wants to date this man.

Let us in. You said it, not me. And I will again and again and again. If you like this episode, because we're done, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. You can keep talking straight through this. I don't care. Also, if you write me something, keep talking. If you write me something nasty hitting on me, to why won't you date me, podcast at gmail.com,

Mars will read it and then she'll put it on a piece of paper and then I'll read it. This says, Hi Nicole, Hi Mars, hi to whomever is the guest this week. That would be Josh Sharp. Josh, say my name. Nicole, I've been relisting to some episodes of Best Friends. Recently the one where you got upset with Sashir for not believing that you could make it into Cirque du Soleil. Well don't worry, your own best friend might not believe in you, but I do, which is why I wrote this message.

I wanna do all sorts of tricks with you in front of a live sold out crowd. First on a trapeze, you'll be defying gravity. Ah, ah, ah show your flexibility as you squirt your precious juice all over. Thank you for honoring how precious her juice is. It is precious. It is precious. And I'll be selling it. No, just kidding.

Fly across the entire venue. Oh, that'd be merch. It would be nasty as hell. We do a tumbling act together as we cover our precious bodies in your... No, cover our bodies in your precious fluids that you expelled earlier. Finally, we'll end the show as we juggle sex bodies in your, no, cover our bodies in your precious fluids that you expelled earlier. Finally, we'll end the show as we juggle sex toys to each other.

And as a trick, I'll turn on the switch for one and then toss it straight into your hole. You'll finish the performance with an aggressive orgasm that shakes the whole stage. And then we take our final bows. We'll show everyone who didn't believe in our Cirque du Soleil dreams from Chris. Thank you, Chris.

Chris is the producer. That was a well-structured act. That was beautiful. And he believed, or they believe in me, and that's lovely. Uh-huh, that's lovely. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, Chris. Well, that's it.

Signing off from Los Angeles, California, it's Nicole Byer and Josh Sharp. Two farmers saying, good night, everyone. Good night, everyone. May your crops be merry. As we always say on this. Good night everyone. May your crops be merry. As we always say on this podcast, good night and may your crops be merry. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer.

This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue. With guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode.

See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Headgum Podcast.