Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Foundations of a Successful Relationship (w/ AJA)

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

Rapper and former drag queen AJA (RuPaul's Drag Race S9, All Stars S3) catches up with Nicole on the #BlackLivesMatter protests, discussing Black history erasure and how people can be a good ally in the movement. AJA dishes on Drag Race, admitting they were extremely high on edibles during the filming. Plus, they share how they met their biological parents this year, and provides advice on the foundational layers every successful relationship needs.For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuSupport Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and places to donate click here: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you tell me to give up all my worldly possessions for you and move to Kansas, I would. Okay, today, my guests, oh boy, I love them. I'm so excited.

You know them from RuPaul's Drag Race. Also, they have this incredible, I guess it's an EP or it's an album called Box Office that I truly, truly love from top to bottom. It's Aja. Hi, what's up? How are you? How are we alive? I think that's the question now.

I mean, life has been so wild lately. It feels so weird to just be like, let's talk about relationships, like just truly up top. But how have you been dealing with protests and Black Lives Matter truly getting a fucking front seat in pop culture so honestly it's been such a double-edged sword because in one hand it's like oh my god let's celebrate let's let's you know let's look at the positive side but then like you know there's the backlash and the downside and like you know there's the the people who you know we just look at and we're like are you really saying that are you really thinking that and um you know, there's the people who, you know, we just look at and we're like, are you really saying that? Are you really thinking that?

And, you know, for me, the worst part are the videos that resurface of like the violence. That's what I hate. I hate that part. But everything else is just so empowering. And I think it's come at such an important time because, like, honestly, people are so late to the party and by people i mean people who are not in the black community like it's just like correct it's like thank you for showing up yeah it's like the party started i don't know eight hours ago and you came in at the tail end and we're about to go to after hours and you haven't drank enough

to be at after hours and you're saying all sorts of shit that I'm like I can't think about right now like it's so wild that like I feel like some white people have been posting shit like I didn't know uh that it was this bad or I didn't know about x y and z and then I had posted about like teach your kids about Juneteenth or like the Tulsa race riots and shit like that. And people were like, yeah, I didn't know about that. And then me personally, I just found out about Seneca Falls.

I think that's what it's called. It's, do you know what this is? No, I actually don't. So Blacks, Black people owned land in New York. Like a lot of Africans moved up North and African-Americans moved up North and bought land in New York. Like a lot of Africans moved up North and African-Americans moved up North and bought land in New York city. And then eminent domain came and they took this land away from black people. And that's where central park is. So like literally. Wait, are we talking about the whole central park?

No, no, no. It's just a portion of central Park. I believe it is on the west side below 110th. But yeah, it's so fucking wide. Like every piece of land that we step on, A, is stolen. B, was, you know, taken from other people and then built up by people of color. No, it's absolutely true i feel like people don't realize how like black and brown people really are the foundation of who built a lot of this country the stuff in it the culture don't even get me started on the culture almost everything and you know i would people have the nerve when they say you know well what did black people invent and i'm like

okay love do you want me to take out my file cabinet let's go boom boom boom boom boom like girl really it's so wild and then like i was watching this video on i just like gotten this rabbit hole on youtube and i was watching this video of this white guy and this white girl. And he was like, I want to talk about cultural appropriation. And he was interesting in a way where he'd never. I didn't finish the video because I was like, this is insane. But he took the stance of like, I just want to know everyone else's opinion. I just I'm not going to really weigh into this.

And I was like, OK. So he braids this white girl's hair and they walk around. And then he was like, is this OK? And then a lot of black and brown people were like, yes, it's OK. And I felt like they wanted to say other stuff. But then a nice white lady was like, well, the reason why it's cultural appropriation is because until it's OK for black and brown people to go to work with dreads and cornrows, white people can't just walk around with dreads and cornrows and have it be cool.

And I was like, all right, white lady, you a good ally. Yes. Yes. Preach the good word. Well, I feel like also, especially when it comes to black hairstyles, I feel like also some white people really are clueless when it comes to knowing why those hairstyles exist. Like, you know, protective hairstyles are meant to protect the hair and i'm like sis what hair are you protecting i'm like okay because you know and it's never i never see like uh i never see like because i know there's some there's some

like irish people and stuff would be having like the fro hair they'd be having like the froed up hair but it's never them who i see be getting their hair braided it'd be like people at the airport who'd be like and you see the you see the forehead being it's like an automatic botox just snatched back you know she has a migraine like it's like that yes and then it's like also you don't need to protect your hair one two it's gonna slide right out your hair it's a little too thin is you gonna you're gonna pay what three hundred dollars for a whole head braid and then it's gonna slide right out your hair it's a little too thin is you gonna you're gonna pay what three hundred dollars for a whole head braid and then it's gonna slide out in four days um and then I was watching this other like Elle magazine did a pretty interesting it wasn't it didn't like

scratch the surface of braids and head wraps and stuff and I didn't realize a lot of times braiding is a productive style. One, two, you do it on Sunday, a day that the slave masters will let you rest. And then you braid it hair on Sundays. So then you didn't have to worry about your hair for the rest of the week while you're in the fucking cotton field sweating. And I was like, damn, my mom braided my hair on Sundays. And I was like, damn, my mom braided my hair on Sundays. This is a literal tradition that was like passed down from our people. Like I remember sitting in between my mom's legs, just like so upset getting my hair braided, being like, I don't want to get my hair braided.

My mom would be like, well, I don't want to deal with your hair this week. No, it's true. And there if you if you really like look at it, there's a variety of hairstyles that have resurfaced in fashion as well. That are all slave hairstyles that that slaves are doing in order to protect their hair, in order to to not like get damaged. There was people who were putting their hairstyles in ways that their skin wouldn't get damaged from the sun. Like there's so many different things and i feel like people should really look up the hairstyle that they're getting because it's not just like it's not just a fade it's not like you just like catch me a fade it's like it's a process and if you're gonna pay hundreds of dollars for hours and hours of headaches then you might as well know where that headache comes from and what what

what that what the reason was what was the reason was. What was the reason? Yeah, what was the reason? Aja, can I ask you a little bit about drag? I know because I follow you on social media. So you've kind of like taken a step back from drag, which I think is important for artists to evolve. And I really love reading comments and people, people be wild and, and people, there was one comment that like, I almost commented back, but then I was like, Nicole, don't start a fight. You're having a nice Thursday.

But this person was like, well, we know you for doing drag. So when I come to your show, you better be doing drag. And I was like, but like, if you were a fan and you've been watching, you've transitioned into like being more of a musician than just a drag queen. Like you're a performance artist, musician. Yeah. Yeah. I think that what happens is, and I've spoken on this and on some other platforms, but it's really important for people to know that you can be a fan of Drag Race and then not be a fan of the actual queens.

And I think that some people who tend to follow the contestants from the show don't realize that they're not, some of them are not fans of the queens. They're fans of the queens time on the show. that they're not, some of them are not fans of the Queens. They're fans of the Queens' time on the show. So when the Queens start releasing other projects, or in my case where I'm like, you know, I feel like there's sort of a dichotomy to my character. And I feel like for me personally, drag has sort of just morphed into who I am

and less of me putting on the transformative aspect. Because I don't know, the way I look at drag now is I feel less of drag and I feel more of like a Bowie or a prince like that's more how I feel I feel like for me I don't like to perform gender I like to be it I don't know how to explain it but I know that my story is just different from other people and I feel like you know I feel like it becomes difficult because I'm in the intersection of all these different identities. And I think that some people have a problem relating to them as they go along. For me being a mixed black, non-binary, ex-drag musician, like, you know, people are like,

what the fuck is going on? You know, so let me break it down. I'm on the spectrum of gender. I just dress however the fuck I want. And I feel however I feel. If I feel like a woman, I'm gonna feel like a woman. If I feel like a man, I'm gonna feel like a man. And that's just that.

That was so simple, right? Two seconds. Then I'm a mixed black person. My father is Nigerian. My mother is mixed native Welsh and African-American. Bam. Easy. Bam. Easy. Culture.

And then I used to do drag as a performative performance. And I don't know. I've always had a passion for music. And I said, I have a platform. This is a way for me to do something I love. And hopefully my fans will like it. You know what? That story took about 45 seconds.

It's so funny that like I you said it I picked up on all of that from what you've presented on social media and whatnot and the fandom has just been like no we won't accept this and I'm like why is it so hard because other white people I won't not necessarily drag queens, but other white celebs have come out to be like, I'm non-binary. I feel feminine. I feel masculinity. I also feel a cross of the two. Sometimes I'll wear a skirt.

Sometimes I'll wear pants, whatever. And then people have been like, ah, yes, great. And I'm like, but why is it different this way? Like, why is it different just because you did drag? Like that to me is, and I don't think you have the answer, but I think it's so interesting that people refuse to let this vision of you go. I think it's because in all actuality,

I feel like, so the show Drag Race has sort of branded itself on portraying these queens' lives as going from cisgendered men to, you know, illusionist women of all kinds. You know, creepy, crazy, clowny, cute. And I think what's happened is just that a lot of the viewers sort of think now that because that's how they found out about drag. They think, you know, drag is this and everything like this is drag. So I've seen a lot of drag race fans, you know, tearing down the trans community, tearing down like like different communities because they really, you know, follow the system of the show. communities because they really you know follow the system of the show and it's sort of one of the reasons why i feel like the show could really benefit from allowing you know transgendered contestants on or maybe giving different uh black queens sort of different narratives on the show i think there's a lot of things like that that could help open up the fan base's mind uh and i

feel like you know they did sort of a better job this season uh um i was watching because we were in quarantine and i was like well we're gonna get get up in it and the you know the whole time i was rooting for for jada and i was like jada jada but you know i realized a lot of the fans were you know of course they were like gg gg and i i didn't see a problem with that but i know that it's easier for the fan base sort of to relate to those white queens because not a lot of the Drag Race fan base are, you know, young black youth. And that's just the truth. Because I know growing up and it is, it sucks to say, but I know growing up, my parents would not let me watch Drag Race. If I was just like, oh, like, you know, especially like in the 90s, if you was like, oh, my God, I'm going to watch drag race.

My parents would have been like, you are not going to be watching no men walking around in dresses. And it's just a cultural thing where especially in the black, Latin and brown communities, masculinity on on the boys growing up is really pushed. So when it comes to the actual demographic of drag race, I've done the drag cons. We've seen the shows. We've been. You know who shows up. It's a lot of white women and their children. I'll be having

white women with their two-year-old baby like, she's such a fan. And I'm like, sis, you don't know who I am, but I'll take your money. Yeah, drag con is an interesting thing because for a long time I was like, yes, men do drag. And then, you know, later my eyes have been open and I was like, yeah, women can do drag too. And especially trans women. trans women uh but the whole children aspect of drag con to me is so strange because i feel like drag queens much like comedians toe the line between being wildly offensive and like speaking

the truth and making like political statements and i'm like is do i feel like yes it's nice for kids to hear messages but also i i know me personally, I feel censored when there's a child in the room or a teen, like a 12-year-old. I did a show once and I was midway through the show and I looked down and I was like, is there a fucking kid here? Are you a child? And then he ended up being 19, but he looked so young. And it was like an 18 and up club.

And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, you're going to learn so much today. And then after at the meet and greet, he was like, I did learn a lot. And I learned like I heard things that I don't think I've ever heard before. And I really appreciate it. And I was like, oh, then maybe it's OK. I don't know. I just I feel so split down the middle middle whether like kids should be able to hear

shit you know i feel like i feel like that's always going to be such a split opinion because in my in my honest opinion i feel like i don't know for me i was exposed to a lot growing up like just because you know sheer curiosity and just like you know girl looking for it and i feel like you know i i think it would be better if like people sat down and you know expose your children to things slowly or however they pace it because one day we're gonna have to go into the world and although there's this sort of innocence that's tied to having a child or your childhood like you know i'm not saying you have to be like here you go here's the big push but you just like push

your kid into a fucking pool of like what is everything you know it's it's sort of like telling your child like i don't know this sounds crazy but it's sort of like telling your child you're like they're adopted it's like you wouldn't just go you're adopted and this is your story and this is what happened about you know you would start off and being like hey like how would you feel of this okay by the way next year this happened this happened this you know that that by the way that's kind of like my story and that's why i say that because i'm adopted and um and uh i didn't meet my biological parents of this year which is crazy but wait you met your biological parents this year yeah i had a freak story so uh ancestry.com like i kid you not like

the what is it called yes ancestry.com I'm not even joking you know how you know how you've seen those mtv little like like shows and shit where they're like meet your parents like girl literally I took the test like five years ago um and I was like damn I'm trying to find out where I'm from because my so my adoptive parents my mom's Puerto Rican and my dad was Afro Trinidadian. So I was like, where the fuck am I from? Because I thought that was my real parents. That's so funny that you were adopted by people who could have been your real parents.

People always say that. Me and my mom look related. So I'm like, I don't know. That's so wild. But so I ended up doing the test. And then five years later, it was literally I was going Christmas shopping in December. And I checked. No, I checked my email.

And it was like, you have a message from this person. They were like, I think you're my grandson. And I was like, so gasp. Right. I go. Really? I checked the message and she's like, is your mother Linda? And I was like, that's the name on my birth certificate.

So I was like, oh shit. So I go and, uh, I ended up meeting my grandparents, my parents. I ended up meeting like, you know, that side of my family. And it was definitely interesting. It wasn't as cathartic as I thought it was going to be. Cause I think I sort of, girl, I'm almost, I'm about to be 27 to be 27 like I I went this long without knowing them so I was like whatever but it was kind of cool to to see where I come from where I really come from and you know to have it in proof not just a little DNA test and know what they look like where where I get my features from. That was what was really cool to me.

But, you know, I feel like if you're going to introduce a child to like a concept of some sort, you know, I would hope it's the way that I kind of found out about my adoption. Like, it's just like, you know, little by little. But I feel like, you know, girl, parents go take their kids to these shows where they're like, you know, you fuck me in the pussy. Like, you know, they're still gonna take their kids. Honestly, you fighting your birth parents.

That's a fucking movie. That's so wild that you got an email. How casual. You know what? I so professional. Girl, I don't even know. It's just it's really crazy it's really crazy and i i i still don't even know what to think of it sometimes i feel like my life is not even real i'm like girl i'm waking up this is a fucking fantasy yeah i mean truly it is like it's like a movie that's

so insane that's so wild i love that you met your birth parents and i honestly like i movie that's so insane. That's so wild. I love that you met your birth parents. And I honestly like I think it's so cool that you met them later in life. Like, I feel like if you I mean, I'm not adopted, so I don't know. But I feel like a teenager might build up these people to be different people. But like when you're 27, almost 30, it's like, yeah, these are people. I don't fucking know these people. So I have no expectations. That part, because if i would have met them when i was younger i mean i'm not saying that that you know i'm fond of them yet because to me they're still like people i really don't

know like that but like if i would have met them before i would have been like who the fuck these people like i would have just been like you know my mommy you ain't my mommy uh wait do you live in new york or la i live in new york bedside brooklyn yes bedside door die um do you find dating easy in new york or hard um ultimately it's very it's like a double-edged I'm going to say that you have a mix of personalities in New York, but you almost have too much. And it's just like, girl, you know, when you have too many options and you put your hand inside the grab bag and you don't know what's going to grab back. So it's just like dating in New York. Like now I'm in a relationship. But like before, like, I don't even know.

Girl, I feel like New York is the best place to be a slut, like, in the positive connotation. Because to me, to be being a slut is empowering. And I think New York is a place for that. But at the same time, if you can find a partner in New York, bitch, that's magic. It truly is, because it is so easy to slut it up in New York because bars are open super late. People are just, I think people are like New Yorkers are assholes. I'm like, no, New Yorkers, I think are the most helpful, friendliest fucking people. Like, I think people are like, well, no, I went to New York and I asked someone for directions and they said, go fuck

yourself. And it's like, yeah, Google's a friend. Go Google it. Don't ask people shit that you can find out on your own. Like they were just telling you that you can do this on your own, which I think is very kind. LA, I think LA people are mean because they're inherent, like they're fake. They all have like a motive, not to generalize everybody in LA, because I've met some wonderful people, but a lot of people that I've met, I'm like, oh, you have no desire to actually get to know me.

You have like weird ulterior motives. That is very true and i i've dated in la i was i was uh partially like bicultural for a while and i was i had an apartment in la and there was this guy that i dated there and he um it's very funny because he has a youtube show now and all this stuff and he was was trying to become like a creative. It was like the people who create challenges for drag race. So he was like, apparently there got denied, whatever.

I met him on the red carpet of season nine's finale. And then we kind of hit it off. We were texting and then we started going on dates and then we would go like drinking and we would be making out and then um i guess like he didn't get nothing out of me and he just ghosted me and i was just like oh okay so it's like that you know it was funny too because then like i was i'd be posting depressing shit online sometimes because I'm not scared to let the world know how I feel. Bitch, if I'm sad, I'm sad. And you need to know. And this mother had the audacity to to write me a message and be like, if you ever need somebody to talk to.

I was like, yeah, I need somebody to talk to about how you ghosted my ass three years ago and I need somebody to talk to about how you are a piece of I love that is so wild to me that someone would ghost you and then have the nerve to message you and be like you seem sad and it's like yeah bitch yes I'm sad but i don't need you you weren't there so keep being gone keep being a fucking ghost you ghost right i'm like girl this is not luigi's mansion we're not capturing ghosts go home take care of your kids and if you don't kids take care of yourself this isn't luigi's mansion really fucking made me laugh oh my god I love it so wait how long have you been in a relationship I gotta check the date because you know the pandemic got me a little a little date blind it's June 12th oh my god

oh wait no it's June 19th y'all JK I've been in a relationship for, I think, seven, eight. It's going to be eight or nine months now. Oh, OK. That's a solid amount of time. Do you guys live together or no? So funny story. I like, again, my life is a movie. We were not living together before the pandemic.

And in the beginning, right before, you know, shit hit the fan, I was on tour and I went to Australia. So he was with me, you know, in the middle of Australia. Next thing you know, America's on the toilet in shambles. So I was like, OK, we go to L.A. where we were quarantined in Los Angeles for a month and a half in my manager's apartment because she ran away to Palm Springs and we were scared to go to New York because girl, New York in the beginning of this pandemic

was scary. Now, this is a word that I use in a context different from other people. It was fierce. Now, people think fierce is a good thing, but in the New York ballroom scene, when you say fierce, it's like, ugh. And New York was fierce. People always think I'm saying feet.

I'm saying fierce. They're like, oh, New York was feet? There was just a lot of people's feet out? Mm, that seems bad. So, you know, we were there for a month and a half and then we finally got back after a long uh you know luxurious first class nobody was on the plane oh my god and then i didn't leave the house for two three months but uh we you know we had to live together and it was our first experience and we were kind of talking

about moving into with each other like eventually but we didn't expect it to just happen so it's been good it's been it's been definitely an experience we didn't have a choice because when we got back his whole family had covid so it was just like you know oh my god are they okay yeah oh they're chill they're good they're good they're good his mom be coming by and she'd be dropping off the curry duck. And I'd be like. This bitch near death. But she's like, I'm a serial cook. I love that. That is so funny.

I love that you guys were forced together and it worked because I know a couple of couples that had been together for like a little bit and then were forced to be fully intertwined for a while and they are having issues. I mean, it wasn't perfect, but like, you know, I feel like people also have an unrealistic standard for relationships. And I'm not saying I'm a connoisseur of relationships, but I'm saying I've been in a few relationships. You know, I'm a New Yorker.

I started dating at like 14 so um i don't know i feel like you have to be understanding and the biggest thing you have to have to get through a pandemic or being stuck in the same place you have to be able to communicate and i feel like some people some people follow eartha kitt's uh idea of compromisation i don't know if you ever seen the Eartha Kitt talks about compromise video. She's like, compromise? Like it's very like, why would I do that? We have had these like moments where we're like, I'm like, no, this is not happening.

He's like, no, it's not happening. We know how to call each other out. We know how to get over it. And that's how you do it. It's just talk about it. People are so blinded by the ego. And I think that being humble in your relationship is very important. Like, you have to just realize that you're two people trying to work it out. And at the end of the day, if you don't have that friendship sort of foundation where you could just push it to the side, you're going down.

I agree. I think it's like people need to be a little bit more humble in relationships. And then also, I think people are afraid of confrontation. And I think people get confused about confrontation. Telling someone that they're annoying you in the moment might seem like a confrontation. But like, would you rather later, a week later, be like, they annoyed me on a Tuesday and they're annoying me today. And today is the Wednesday after that last Tuesday.

So it's been a week and a day. And it's like, you can't just let that shit weigh on your heart. You have to talk to the person and you have to let them know how you feel. Otherwise, you're gonna start holding all sorts of shit against them. No, that's true. I know a lot of people like in my life who I've seen other people's relationships where they just hold resentment against their partners for no reason. And I'm just like, yes, I'm like, girl, like, go outside, breathe, like, have a drink, like, take an edible, do something.

Like, I feel like people be so people rely too heavily on the romantic aspects of their relationships. And then what happens is, is that, you know, they feel rejected. They feel unloved they feel alone and i'm like that's why you have to have a friendship like here's the thing this is this is the lesson for love every relationship in your life is is layers in order to have that that the foundation is always going to be a friendship even with your parents because you your parent you have parents and they're not friends and you don't talk, but they're your parents. But you always have the friendship layer, the family layer. You always have a sexual layer.

If you have a sexual relationship with them, you'll have a romantic layer if you're romantic with them. And that's kind of what makes the relationship, not the family aspect, because that wouldn't be right. But you can't just have a sexual and romantic relationship and then have nothing else. Because, girl, this ain't the notebook. If this is the notebook, that notebook is lost at sea with the Titanic, girl. And it's sunken. Because ain't nobody every day of your life going to be asking to paint your ass like some French bitch. Ain't nobody going to be doing that.

I think you were fully right. Like you have to like the person you're trying to have a sexual relationship with and then also a romantic relationship with. There has to be some sort of friendship because it's like after you're done fucking, what are y'all going to do? Look at the wall?

Like you have to have like shared interests and like the other person, which is something that I've had issues with because I've been like, you you know they're a fun time and honestly like the last dude i dated i was like he is a fun time i really like him as a person his dick is so tiny and i guess that is we shall overcome we shall overcome i'll settle it's fine and then i was like well no if he doesn't check all the boxes why the fuck am i settling that is so true and that that's another thing bitches be ready to settle for people they know are not for them and you know what happens is it seems gratifying at

first but then when you running around trying to get yours somewhere else, someone's heart is breaking. Someone's like getting hurt. And then next thing you know, 10 years later down the line, you meet somebody and they're like, yeah, I was with my ex for nine years and they told me about some bitch who broke their heart 10 years ago.

And that bitch was you. Then you go, I'm not saying this has happened to me. Like FYI, this ain't, this ain't happening to me. But I just had a real eye-opening therapy session with my therapist where i was like i mean every guy i've dated was nice blah blah and she

was like were they actually nice and i was like oh my god no they did nice things intermittently but then they did a lot of mean things where I would just put that in a closet lock the door and then be like oh but you made me breakfast that was nice and it's like sure but like if I tell you a story you just go uh whatever and then like race into yours and it's like oh you don't even listen to me but I'm just thinking about the breakfast you made me an hour ago but like you're not listening you're not interested even listen to me, but I'm just thinking about the breakfast you made me an hour ago. But like, you're not listening. You're not interested in what I'm saying,

but I'm like, but those eggs were good and maybe tomorrow he'll listen. And it's just, yeah, I just, I don't know. I like, after this therapy session, I was like, wow, I love myself and I'm a confident person, but all of that fades away to try to like mold myself into the person that these pieces of shit want to date. Absolutely not. Wait, what's your sign? I'm a Virgo, but I don't know like my rising moon or anything because I don't know what time I was

born. So let me tell you this. I know a lot of Virgos. The thing about Virgos, Virgos are sort of perfectionist. so they're always like they're troopers they're like oh my god this isn't working out but i'm gonna stay here because i want to say that i tried i want to say that i did it and that's a big thing i'm a capricorn so i totally understand capricorns have like that same sense of like determination like we're gonna see this out to the end and uh that can end up in those situations where you're like you're like damn i'm trying to see the best in someone. And they're really not delivering.

But we're those people that we try so hard to make it work that we don't want to cut it off. Because to us, it's like a failure. It's like, fuck, another time, another situation. I feel like at those moments, it's really hard to realize when you're like, I need to just walk away from this because I'm not satisfied. It's kind of scary. It's very scary. And then in like movies, because I just watched all of 13 Reasons Why. God bless.

What a show. My God. It was 10 hours of nonsense. And there was this one couple where this guy kept asking this guy out and he kept being like no yes no and then he like kept kept kept and I was like that's not the real world like I think I've been conditioned to be like if you keep asking somebody will say yeah they'll say yes eventually and it's like you shouldn't have to whittle someone down until they're like, ugh, fine, I'll date you. And I think that's what I was doing. I was trying to chase people

until they were like, you know, homegirl's not going away, so I might as well just fucking bag her. I'm just going to fuck this girl because she won't go anywhere. And I was like, yeah, it should be like a mutual thing where two people want to actually be together where you're not doing so much work. I also I also found out in my experiences is that sometimes the best person to be in a relationship with is yourself. Like, I feel like in those moments, there'll be moments where I'm like, damn, I really need somebody to fill my void. And then I realized, wait, that person is me. Like, I need to like you know do stuff for myself but like I that's another hard thing to realize like when you need to just like

take care of you for a second yes girl all I know is that people I'm sick of people I mean people are fucking exhausting. They drain. People are energy drainers. And I think you need to realize who's taking your energy. And are they worth taking your energy? Never. Never.

I mean, well, if they make breakfast, then maybe. If they make breakfast and they're nice to you, I guess it's worth it. Honestly, kindness is. Kindness. Yes. Kind. Like people who are kind. I've been trying so hard to be kinder to myself because like earlier in my career, if I had

a bad show, I was going to have a very bad night. I'd be in my hotel room or I'd be in my room and I'd be like, you stupid fucking idiot. Why did you say the joke like that? You fucking idiot. And then it's like, no, no, you are not an idiot. Why did you say the joke like that? You fucking idiot. And then it's like, no, no, you are not an idiot. You just you messed up that joke or it just didn't work. It might work tomorrow. Like chill the fuck out and stop being so hard on yourself. And I've been so hard on myself about finding like a relationship. And lately I'm like, well well you're like evolving into the best version of you possible like I just started roller skating oh my god it's so hard but like it makes me so joyful and happy

and I was like yeah you can be happy and joyful alone and then like yes it'd be nice to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whoever comes into my life but like i have to be so happy and set with myself in order to like allow love to come in man quarantine has given me so much time oh just sit alone and think girl quarantine has been the alarm for a lot of people to wake up yes girl even you know even me a little bit there's been like points in this quarantine where i'm like i'm like i've been thinking this and you know this i might be wrong but i've been thinking this whole time i'm a very impatient person this quarantine taught me that i'm very patient i still haven't i still haven't even gotten like oh my god i need to go need to go outside. I'm like, if I go outside, I go outside.

If I don't, I don't like and I'm realizing. Well, I don't know if this is. Am I depressed? I don't you don't sound depressed, but you might be. I don't know. But you mentioned way, way back in the conversation ballroom. Have you done ballroom shit? So growing up in New York in the the the gay scene it

was um i was 12 years old telling everybody i was 16 and i was uh doing the little kiki balls and um i learned how to to vogue from different legends in the ballroom scene and like um i think it was just a very to simplify yes I've been around a lot of ballroom. I was raised by trans women. Trans women have been my icons, like the beauties of my life. Like they are honestly my goddesses. And like I love the trans community so much. When I was younger, I was never like put into like a house.

But when I, when I got, after I came off of Drag Race Season 9 I became an honorary Ninja and LaBeija member for doing Crystal LaBeija yes and I gotta say I'll say it on the I think I've said this before like on podcast or whatever your Crystal LaBeija was so good because that was the episode I guest judged

and I got to see the Snatch Game uninterrupted and you had a poem that they didn't air. Okay. Thank you so much for saying that. It was so fucking good. And, you know, I, that day I was just like, when we were on that stage being judged,

I remember saying, okay, one, I have to say this again. For the record, I was extremely high the entire filming on edibles and um so it so you know i was there sitting trying to get my thoughts together and i was like this is bullshit i was like i don't know how these bitches won i was like i was like should i walk off now or later and then i was like i ain't gonna say nothing i i really studied the shit out of her character because she just reminded me of all the the women i grew up around she reminded me of all the black ballroom icons she she was that and crystal labasia for people who don't know the backstory she a lot of people say like oh she

was bitter and she walked off blah blah no there was a lot of racism in the pageantry scene yes and one of the reasons why i did crystal labasia was because she was tired of losing to to white contestants out of just sheer racism people don't realize that the queen documentary happened at right at the end of segregation and you know this was it was very new at the time so imagine having that intersection of being gay and black in the 60s like that that already is tough and crystal as this full fucking trans woman is just getting her life and i thought i think that what she did was so powerful and that's what really encouraged me to do the character um needless to say I I think I nailed it and um you did it was honestly I was blown away by it I thought you did such an amazing job

and I think the most interesting thing about people thinking that Crystal Leveja was bitter was like did y'all hear you didn't hear what happened before the rant you you never get to really hear why a person of color especially black people are reacting the way they react and it's because you get you can only be pushed so many times before you fucking explode and you tell people a full-ass piece of your mind but i yeah like it was truly incredible and i was like this could have been edited a little bit better because i gotta say chichi devane she was asked why that i will never forget this she was asked why does the caged bird sing and she was like oh oh oh and then answered it with no prompts about 20 minutes later and it made me laugh so hard she said she waited till the next whole

round and for people people don't know that so every question gets answered by every single person with minutes in between it's long it's like an hour uncut or 45 minutes or something like that by the way the cage bird sings because she has she was like she has chicken in her teeth it was something like that and i was like something so wild oh my god she said she barbecued it it was something like yes it's something like that and i screamed i was like this is comedy i was like you don't even have to edit this like just leave it as is unprompted. Her. She truly sat straight up like she was about to do something and then didn't do nothing. And I laughed so hard.

I was like, honestly, this is performance art. I know you didn't mean nothing you were doing, but this is high fucking performance art. Oh, my God. No, that day. That day was fun. I'm starting. It's starting to come back to me in pieces. I feel like I'm blacked out.

But I remember my favorite parts of the Snatch Game were honestly Bendela Cram as well. Yes, my God. That Paul Lynn was psychotic. So good. Oh, my God. I don't know how she does those characters. So like, like, ooh.

And it's so funny when you talk to her in person, she's just very Bendela and then can just switch into this. And you're like, how, how do you do this? She's very bendala. You know, just like very nice, very positive, very sweet. Maybe says something risque. But then like when she does these characters, you're like, this is wild.

She's so good. I love that adjective she's very bendala i'm gonna start saying that you're being very bendala i love bendala so much i love so many of the queens that was like such an exciting day for me because i like drag and i remember like i mean drag race i love specifically because it shows drag to people who don't necessarily see drag a lot but like by the time drag race had come on I was already living in New York and I would go to Barracuda all the time and Bob the Drag Queen would perform there and Peppermint and Sherry

Vine and I just lived I was like my god because growing up I loved Dolly Parton loved I was like man she's so pretty and then she was like takes a lot of money to look this cheap and i was like i want to be cheap i want to look like a street walker like that was like my whole thing i loved it uh uh i a side note bob the drag queen is the funniest drag queen to come off of Drag Race, in my opinion. I think Bob cannot go more than a minute without saying a joke or saying something. And it is just so funny. And it's almost ironic.

And like, I don't know. Every time Bob is around me, I know I'm going to laugh. I know I'm going to probably shit myself. So I'm like, let me prepare. Bob brings me so much joy. shit myself so I'm like let me prepare Bob brings me so much joy the first time I met Bob uh out of like a club situation where he was working uh was at uh Trixie Mattel's house and Bob was just eating fried chicken saying the funniest shit I was just like you were one of the realest fucking people like Bob didn't know me they didn't know me at all and Bob had no problem saying

everything on their mind I was just like this person I like this person this person's a good ass person oh I I wish we had more real people like that like yes I feel like the less you have to like change anything about yourself to deliver the better like just girl i there's something more i love than being around people like you know what i need to shit right now i'm gonna go shit like i love that i love that honestly one of my favorite things to do i live with a nice white gay man named john millhiser john millhiser my roommate and one of my favorite things to say to him is i go oh john I gotta go take a dump and the first time I said it he was like oh Nicole but now he joins right in and we've got a great

time to be like how big was a dump like we just it's like I don't know why why put on airs just like I like laughing and being stupid and silly and shit yeah I feel like shame is put on so many things for no reason. Like girl, just live and be free. Like who gives a fuck? Right. Ooh, I meant we should take a break.

And we're back. It was just a commercial. You know, you gotta, that's how you make the money. You gotta run them ads. Usually I do it a half hour in, You know, you gotta, that's how you make the money. You gotta run damn ads. Usually I do it a half hour in, but honestly, Aja, I truly love talking to you. Like you were, they say,

don't meet the people you love, but this has been a treat. They also say don't eat people. But I get so hungry. Have you been on the apps at all like grinder or adam for adam if if uh you were on that one back in the day yes i have been on every single well i'm not gonna say every single because there might be one that i don't know about that made me look really bad right now so i'm gonna just say i have been on the apps before i actually met my boyfriend on grinder oh okay it was a very circumstantial situation because um i okay i have all the gays in my neighborhood blocked because i live near a few gay bars and they be getting crazy

so it's either like people want to fuck me because i'm asha or they're like just like wanting to talk to me i don't want to do drag i'm like i don't even do drag anymore I don't give a fuck leave me alone do you have any advice for me leave me alone that's the advice so I see this uh I see this cute little brown trini boy on my on my on my thing and I'm like hmm who are you what you're doing in my neighborhood so uh by the way side note I actually was supposed to have a gig that day in canada and i was just in i was just in taiwan so i was in taiwan i was supposed to have this gig in canada uh i'm making a map for nicole right now and i'm loving it also i love the fringe on your shirt i didn't even notice it it doesn't fit it's too size it's too small I love it it's like a soft

accessory that's stunning yet doesn't pick up on the mic okay so back to the map yeah so this is Canada I'm over here in Taiwan so I fly to LA because Canada gets canceled so I'm spending Halloween um in LA and I start to realize oh I just want to go home like I I I have this time off and I was taking time off because I was about to become a priest in my practice so I was going to take like a few months off wait what is your religion so I'm I'm a priest in in Ocha or what America would know as Santeria but I I I am sort of like pro of the I am pro Africanizing it back to what it was because a lot of people also don't know Santeria is a byproduct of

slavery because of the syncretism and stuff so I was getting ready to do this process and then I was like okay I'm going to change my flight it's Thursday Halloween whatever I go and I get the next flight out of LA my ass goes home.

Guess what? We about to touch down in New York. We about to hit the ground. Girl, I was like looking out the window. I said, we going fast. I was like, can somebody press the brakes? Girl, I was like, what's going on? We going past the airport. Bitch, we about to go on the highway. Boom. The car,

you hear me, the flying car. The plane goes right back up into the air so i said oh okay we took a detour the pilot's like sis it's windy i'm like okay so we circle in the airport for another two hours because it's too windy to land oh my god so i said girl storm better go home she better leave because she's carrying right now and um after circling the airport for two hours i land so i i take my ass home and i order some food on uber eats and you know when it's late and they cancel the order after like an hour yes yes we need to talk about that but that's for another day i they canceled my fucking order and i was like girl it's like five in the morning and

i'm like i'm just over it so i said you know i'm gonna go on the grinder i'm gonna see let me see if i can find some good peen in the area you're like i'm gonna eat the dick instead of dinner right right right i was like i'm i'm just i'm just ready to put it all on the line and i just see my boyfriend on grinder and i'm like well hello who are you? Like, what are you doing in my neighborhood? I know you're not from here because one, OK, this is kind of creepy, but I had seen him on like a month before, but I was really drunk and I favorited him. And then I never saw him again. But that day I remembered him.

So I was like, oh, you don't live here. So I was like, hey, blah, blah, blah. We started hitting it off. And then he was like skeptical to meet me because he thought I wasn't real. Ah, yes. Which was hitting it off and then he was like skeptical to meet me because he thought I wasn't real. Ah, yes. Which was a whole nother bullshit. And then we met and we literally hit it off.

It was one of those times where you're like, you know when you tell yourself like, oh, I think I'm really like someone. We can't fuck on the first day. We can't do it. We can't do it. And then you do it.

And it was literally that. Like we were hitting it off. We were getting drunk off of, you know, I'm talking about that hood shit like Sunkist and vodka. I like me some Welsh's grape soda and some Alexa vodka.

That was like my drink of choice when I didn't have no money. Girl, I mean, that's my drink of choice when I have money. So we we literally were just getting drunk and we were just like having our lives. And then we started making out and next thing you know, it's like literally peeing about to go in. It's like, we can't do this. We can't do this as it enters.

And then it's just like, we do it anyway. And he left. He's looking at me right now. I can see him. He's grinding his little weed. He's laughing. He goes, I think he thought I wasn't going to text him.

And I go, oh, like I'm going to text you. And literally he got in the car and text him and i go oh like i'm gonna text you and literally he got in the car and i'm already like oh my god that was such a great time let's hang out again tomorrow and he was like wait you really texted me back and i was like yeah what about it so you know but then again i met i've met some people on grinder who who I'm just like, you know when you move the icon into the recycling bin on the Mac Pro? It was very that, to say the least. I like that story specifically because you didn't start off being like, I'm going to find somebody. You were like, ugh oh the circumstances of the world are fucking shitty i didn't get my food i'm a hop on grinder see what's what oh this person that i

remember oh it was like this it's a very like meant to be the universe like reconnected y'all together that's i really fucking love that story it's crazy it really is and honestly i think it's like it so many things like have happened since then but i keep thinking about how like if he never came into my life i would have been going through the first year of my priesthood which is supposed like i'm completely sober since uh since november like um like from alcohol and like i've also been like not nah, I can't go out. I can't do certain things. I can't cut my hair because I have to like keep myself consecrated for a little bit and,

you know, to meet him and then automatically just go straight into that. Meaning that I spent a lot of this quarantine sober and I would have been alone. And it really was like fate brought us together. And like, uh, what my God sister was telling me, she was like, brought us together and like uh what my god sister was telling me she was like you know it's really funny that mark came into your life because if not um you know you would have you would have been alone right now and he just texted me right now he goes i was supposed to leave a party like four hours before and something kept me there until you went online oh fuck man oh i truly love that so much i just it like reaffirms like my faith that like

my person's out there i just have to wait for the right circumstances and for the universe to just align for me to find them oh my god can i please just like can can i can i give you a little like three car terror reading on your life right now yes yes yes yes yes oh my god yes oh this is so exciting this is the type of energy we need so um I

actually offer uh I've been this is how I've been making money off of the uh during the pandemic is um I do uh online readings I do tarot readings I do tarot readings. I do spiritual readings. I help people find their spiritual guides or whatever. Some people just need the clarity.

Some people want to find out about their love life. And this is via your Patreon, which is the link in your bio on Instagram. Oh, no. I have an email. It's just Aja. Just kidding. I thought you had a Patreon link.

I do. Oh, okay. It's so hard to find out what I thought you had a Patreon link. I do, but... Oh, okay. It's so hard to find out what I'm going to post on there, but I have a lot of cool stuff on my Patreon about my upcoming album, but that's for the end when we plug the stuff. Wait, what is the email that people can email you at? For readings, you can email me at Aja,

A-J-A-O-S-H-U-N reads you at gmail.com. Okay, perfect. If you want to get read for filth. All right. All right, read me for filth, darling. So I'm going to split these cards into three miniature decks.

I need you to pick a number, a one through three. Two. Bam. And I'm going to spit the first three cards and we're gonna we're gonna see how what this says about your love life you ready okay yes wow the first card that came up was the the lover's card let me turn off my my fancy background people don't know but i i was pretending to be in malibu but i'm actually just in my dirty ass kitchen oh my god the fantasy the second card went away okay the temperance away. The second card is the temperance card.

And the third card is the king of swords. Now I'm going to explain to you what this says to me. What this says to me is that a lot of your relationships are very dependent on how you're emotionally doing at the time. For you, relationships either bring or take away balance from your life. Sometimes you feel like you need one and then you really don't. And sometimes you feel like you don't need it, but it's actually the energy you need. I see that with the King of Swords here, there's usually a war going on between your heart and your mind about how you should approach relationships because your mind tells you to do things that

your heart doesn't want to do. And what I see that you can benefit from the most and equalizing and kind of finding the equilibrium when it comes to relationships is thinking less about what to do in the relationship and thinking less about what's going to happen in the future or the past and more so living in the moment there's not enough living in the moment for the relationships here i see unions could really benefit you because i see that you work really well alone and you know how to be alone but i see that the same time being alone brings sort of an anxiety for you, the thought of it. So that's why I say thinking over here is the process.

And the King of Swords could be that Virgo aspect of you as well. That's sort of like putting high standards on everything. If you're going to put high standards on everything, put it also on your partners. Make sure that your partners are meeting the standards you put even on yourself. It makes no sense to hold yourself to a standard you don't hold someone else to. Mm-hmm. Ooh, pretty. And then with the order it came out into, I'm going to tell you this.

I feel like, Nicole, there is love for you out there. There really is love for you out there. But I feel like you haven't met someone strong enough to be with you yet. I think that you need someone who's an emotionally strong person because the way you communicate, because also Virgo, Virgo is very communicative. You know how to say things.

And sometimes people mistake the things you say because you're being honest and you're, you're saying things the way that they should be said. So, um, I see someone out there for you and that King of Swords could be the person for you. It's going to be someone that you're going to need to ground,

but it's going to be someone who's going to bring a lot more fun into your life. Someone who's going to, who's going to kind of like take the burden off. Because sometimes you feel like there's like a little weight and you're like, it's going to be someone who's going to take that off. Honestly, everything you said is very true.

What you couldn't see was Aja sipping the tea. Ooh, girl, just taking a sip. Yeah, I think that's fully right because I am a fun person and I can't be responsible for always being the fun person in a relationship. And I feel like a lot of times I'm like,

what about this fun thing or this fun thing? Or I'll start singing and then maybe they'll join or they'll be like, oh, shut up or whatever. And I'm like, okay. But yeah, like I need someone to like match me, but also like, yeah,

I would love to be able to like ground someone to be like, baby, you do it too much. Cause usually I'm the one doing too much, but yeah, that I really loved that. Thank you. No,

I thought it would be fun. I came on the spot. I was like, let's do this. I love it. How long have you been reading tarot cards? Uh, since I was 10. Uh, you no i thought it would be fun i came on the spot it was like let's do this i love it how long have you been reading tarot cards uh since i was 10 uh so i'm 26 now 16 years i usually when i pull my own like when i'm in person i usually pull them all upside down and i had a reading in new

orleans where the man was like you pulled a lot of like I pulled like death cards and sword cards and they're all like upside down and whatnot. And he was like, huh, I think you need to to what did he say? He was like, I think you need to go to the desert and be alone. And I was like, duh, fuck. I paid eighty dollars for this man to tell me that he didn't know what these cards that he owns means. And I have to go to a desert alone and then thinking back I was like oh he literally just told me that I need to figure out who I am as a person which was an actual pretty decent piece of advice because at that time I was in my like mid-20s and I didn't actually know who I was or what I wanted I don't think he meant desert I think he meant dessert because I feel like sometimes I have to go to dessert and I have to find out who I am too.

Be like, do I like this chocolate or this strawberry shortcake? Which one is it? Oh, that's. Oh, my God. Stop. Oh, no. I'm a Thresleches cake type of person. I love a moist.

See, that's too. I don't like a moist. A moist feels like I'm gumming something that has been pre-chewed. I love a moist. See, that's too. I don't like a moist. A moist feels like I'm gumming something that has been pre-chewed. It's like too. It's too, too much. Too much wet. Like bird feeding vibes. Like the child.

Well, Aja, we've come to the end. Do you have anything that you. Oh, wait, no. no fuck i usually ask my guests this i've only missed it like maybe three or four times but would you date me i would yes i love it but we would have to do the pole dancing together i saw your i saw your your your socials and i was like um i want to go pole dancing with nicole Honestly, if you are in L.A., I would absolutely take you. I go to this amazing studio in North Hollywood and they do like private sessions. I've been trying to get my roommate to go because he he's like, I don't know.

I don't want to be too girly. And I was like, but you will walk around in my heels and you have very strong upper body strength. I think you would fucking love this. But yeah, if you want to go, let me know. I will absolutely bring you. I'm totally down. I definitely one time I went to Bretman Rock's house. I was in Hawaii and I got so fucking high.

And he has like a pole in his like he has a little room with a pole. And I was like, we're going to do this. Girl, I was emphasis. I was so high with a capital h hi girl i was i couldn't even pick myself up because i was wheezing from laughing like i was just like i sound like a darn walrus if you don't know what you're doing on a pole and you try to do shit especially when it's on spin mode you just fucking go and you're, I don't know what's happening. Yeah.

The first time I spun on it, my big ass body, it's a bigger body. So the pole will move more. And I fully was like, I'm gonna die. And then my teacher was like, please stop screaming.

This is a full class. And I was like, I know. But yeah, tell me your Patreon. Tell me about your Patreon. So my Patreon is, is you can find me on patreon under aja oshun and it's a it's a place where i post like a lot of behind the scenes stuff for my music i posted my drag race audition tape on there uh just like behind the

scenes stuff like i'll do like little private zoom meet and greets with my fans and stuff or like i used to do i used to do it more often but i'm finding time to do it now cooking with aja where i'll just like give them the ingredients to a dish and then i'll be like well i'm gonna make this dish and i do like a really low quality version of a cooking show because the thing is i don't have a commitment to to the cooking show i'm not rachel ray. I'm more like Ray Charles in the kitchen. So it's just me like, is the camera on? Where's the camera?

What's happening? And you know, if you see me put the food in, you see me put the food in. I love it. A cooking show where like, maybe we'll cook. Maybe we'll sit down and talk shit for hours.

I love it. Well, I love you, Aja. Thank you so much for doing this and truly box office is a great is it an ep or an album it's a it should have been an ep but it was my first album but i'm actually working on my second uh studio album which is uh it's going to be an afro it's an afro hip-hop slash like pop hip-hop mixed genre album i fucking love it so i'm excited um and truly you can find aja on all of social media and if you loved aja as a drag queen guess what there is so much footage that you can look at and then be done with it i always tell people they'd be like i I miss the all-stars, Aja.

And I'd be like, and I send them the Amazon link to all-stars three here. Purchase the season. That's so, I love it. Purchase it. You could get it right here. You could truly relive it every goddamn day of your life if that's what you need. But I will say milk going, is she going to jump from there? that's what you need but I will say milk going is she gonna jump from there and then you doing a dip off a box is truly it just warms my heart I love it no thank you so much and thank you for having

me Nicole I'm such a huge fan I think you're fucking hilarious you're amazing and um I'm rooting for you to find love when you gotta you gotta tell me when you find the love I honestly will I mean I will tell the whole world like it's going to be sickening. I'm like, he's here. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe on iTunes. You can leave me a five star review or one star. Those are funny reviews. And if you send me a message hitting on me in a nasty way, I will read it. This man I don't think has ever heard of the podcast, but he sent me a message that said, girl, I would gladly lick your clit for you. So you don't ever have to worry about getting too big to masturbate, which which is a pin tweet on my Twitter. I say

my greatest fear is getting too big, getting so fat that I'll have to tape a vibrator to a selfie stick to help me masturbate. And this nice man, he said that he would help me out. And then I made the mistake of clicking on his profile. He got a wife and kids and he'd be creeping. And sir, if you're listening, shame on you. Okay, bye bye. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.