Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Fresh Heartbreak (w/ Priyanka)

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

Drag queen Priyanka (Winner of Canada's Drag Race, host of YTV's The Zone) joins Nicole to discuss their very recent breakup, getting COVID19 from Brooke Lynn Hytes, evolving from a kids tv host to a drag queen, and explains the dark spiritual energy of Obeah.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where Meenakul Byard tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even if you took my hat off my head when my hair wasn't done, jerked off right into it and put it right on my head, I would say, I love you. They're getting worse and worse.

Love you. They're getting worse and worse. My guest today. Oh, you've seen him on Canada's Drag Race. And if you watch the whole dang thing, I'm going to ruin it for you. Oh, the big winner. Also, they were the host of a show. My window went away and I can't believe I'm forgetting it.

Oh, wait. It's called The Zone. Mess. Mess. It's Priyanka. That's my name. Don't wear it out still jerking off with my ex's tears. Oh, no. Is this recent? I just got dumped yesterday Oh no Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Oh baby Oh baby Can you talk about it?

Nicole, buyer I was trying to sell something I was not being bought I was not the buyer Oh no I knew I was I've sell something. I was not being bought. I was not the buyer. Oh, no. I knew I was. I've been scheduled for this podcast for a few weeks now.

Yes. Very excited. Thank you for having me, you slut. Sneaky little slut. And I was like, you know, I kept seeing it in the calendar and I was like, it would just be so funny if like, you know, like I like got dumped that week or something. And then it came to fruition. I headed into this week with high hopes. I was so excited.

You know, this is I got a call that my uncle passed away, which I'm very upset about. Very sad, sudden. And then I was like, well, you know, a really bad tragic death happened in my family. Like no one's going to have the nerve to dump me. Yeah, right. And then last night on our regular nightly FaceTime call, I got dumped. May I ask, how did the dumping happen? Did you get through like a whole FaceTime conversation? And then they were like, in a way, goodbye forever.

We were literally like just, it was like light chatting, but I was taking a bath before this phone call. And you know when you sit there and you stare at the wall and you're not sure if you should piss in your bath water or not? Okay.

In that moment is when I realized that i was being dumped something about it i was felt there was something in the air and i was like i feel like my now ex is gonna dump me today i don't know why because we talked on the phone earlier in the day and we were just naturally just chatting being like i can't wait to see you next week boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend but he's been like he's been going through some things with his mental health and I was watching him kind of just crumble

and then in turn not really treating me that good you know like communication wasn't the greatest he was trying and I saw his efforts but I was like this is we're gonna this something's about to blow and then we had a little light chat on FaceTime. And then he said, and I said, well, I'm looking forward to seeing you next week.

And he said, yeah, about that. The about that truly is haunting. It will stop you dead in your tracks. And you're like, what about it? What about it? It's a thing. and you're like what about it what about it it's a thing it's happening what about it i honestly was prepared though nicole i said uh-huh i said oh no what what what are you about to tell me and then he says you know he goes into some speech and i'm sitting there just like my heart's pounding in my chest but my anxiety

medication is subduing it a little bit. Sure. Loving it. So it's doing its job. It's working. Paid for the prescription. And I was just kind of like, you know, I want to date somebody to make me feel important. And you didn't make me feel that important these last three weeks. So I'm OK with this. I'm OK for you to go work on yourself.

And I'm not mad. This is fine. I'm going to miss you. work on yourself and I'm not mad. This is fine. I'm going to miss you. I feel butthurt about it. I'll have an insecure day, but at the end of the day, I'm happy that you're honest with me. You know? You know, I think we're all growing and learning and I don't know if you're in therapy, but like what a very fucking healthy response to be like, I am very hurt. But like, this is what you need to do for you.

And it has nothing to do with me. You know, when you realize that you're into somebody and you're like, I want to play all my cards, but I'm unsure if you're going to play all your cards. Yes, it's every fucking relationship I've ever had where I'm like, maybe I tell them I like them, but I don't know what they're going to come back and say. And then I always do. And then they always go, I really like you as a friend. Oh, no. Or they're like, I feel I feel, you know, feelings for you, too. And then they like drop off the face of the fucking planet.

Yeah, the ghost. That's called the ghost, Henny. face of the fucking planet yeah the ghost that's called the ghost honey i just think that like there are people that you just need to say like i'm here with all my cards and that's all i could do for you because baby i'm not gonna fix your problems for you and if i'm putting four cards down and you're only putting down three that is not the flush i'm looking for i wish i knew cards flushes are good i don't know is it i thought you knew cards so i was trying to impress you i know i don't know how to play a card i don't know how to play spades i don't know how to play blackjack poker none of that shit makes sense but you know how to play with that dick i do know how to play with that dick and I am

Starvels the clown looking for a fucking dick. I want you to close your eyes and just describe to me what kind of dick you want right now. Oh boy. Okay. So my eyes are genuinely closed and I have a giant smile on my face.

I've never seen somebody so happy. I'm like the happiest little boy. I've never seen somebody so happy. I'm like the happiest little boy. I've got my little hat on my little striped shirt and I'm dreaming about dicks right now. Dream about that dick. So like pretty, pretty thick to the point where my hand doesn't completely close around it. So good. I would say like eight, eight and a half inches yeah um veiny very veiny

yeah um uncircumcised yeah that's my preference yes me too me too me too they have more personality i think so and then slightly curved to himself i like a little bit of a hook because then that makes me feel like you're gonna keep me forever oh not that captain hook you try to get you try to get dick that that's like the avatar tails that attach together that's what i want you want a james cameron dick i want a james cameron dick avatar two through seven what the fuck are they coming out i don't know they're they're gonna come out when you finally get dick nicole that's what's gonna happen and then i'm gonna be like i don't need this anymore so wait priyanka you were telling me before we started that you got the covid i got the covid yeah i got covid because brooklyn heights gave me covid. White people ruin everything.

Was it bad or were you fine? I had no symptoms, but I actually gave it to my now ex-boyfriend who had all the symptoms. So karma will always come and get you, baby. Karma, karma, karma, karma, chameleon. Maybe that's why he broke up with you. He was like, this bitch got me fucking sick. I'm not chancing this bitch again so he gets to step in i'll never forget when we were talking about he said you also have a high risk job and i was like you're a nurse you cunt like what do you mean high risk you're around covid

all the time just because i'm doing splits on the top of cars it doesn't mean that i'm also high risk. Nice try. Well, I would say honestly, your job is more high risk than his because everyone's wearing a mask in the hospital and you're out in the world where there's a ton of people being like, I don't believe in masks. They don't fucking work and I

need my fucking freedom for my ugly face to be out. I know. I told you not to talk about my face to be out. I know. I told you not to talk about my mom like that. Sorry about it. I'm kidding. I'm talking about that bitch. But yeah, it's, so are you touring? That's so wild that you had no symptoms

and then your boyfriend or your ex-boyfriend had all of the symptoms. I know. It's like the universe knew he was going to break up with me, so they were like, get her, Jade her jade i mean it's so wild and then i think people when they go out into the world fearless as fuck they're just like well maybe i'll just be asymptomatic and i'm like yeah but like why would you want to give it to i feel like everyone is behaving it's like i'm not here for the romper room shenanigans that's going on in the world right now in regards to kabir everyone is being what

list like come on put your fucking mask on and wash your hands like i'm lucky i'm lucky i didn't get like bad symptoms because i have asthma too so i could have been like not canada's drag race superstar bitch i could have been dead on the floor like you don't know how it's gonna hit you you don't know how it's gonna hit your parents like there's so many things that can go wrong i just think be careful because who cares yeah i truly have i'm like of the school that like looks stupid today we find out tomorrow that we're all okay you know like i would rather look like a fucking idiot and like just take precautions you know it's just it's you know i don't do the same thing when i drive i don't stop at many stop signs because i feel like they should be yields but you know everything else in the world you know i take pretty seriously

how do you feel about condoms oh i use condoms uh because i do not want a baby no thank you get out of here i don't want a little person waking me up in the middle of the night being like excuse me i'm thirsty and it's like i'm thirsty too bitch i forgot to bring water upstairs yeah go get your mama go get your mama some water yeah if you're thirsty go get you some water and bring me some too uh also i don't i don't want STDs. Yeah. Have you ever had one? I have not had an STD. You're so lucky. I've been very, very fucking lucky because there was a certain somebody in my life that I was raw dogging. But they were not just raw dogging me.

They were raw dogging all of Los Angeles. And I'm very lucky that I didn't catch something from him. The only thing you caught was feelings, honey. I mean, I did catch a little bit of feelings and that was bad enough but that's so normal like i feel like whenever there's somebody that doesn't really want us and that they're just fucking us like it makes me want them more absolutely whenever somebody is like i like you i'm like oh so uh something's wrong with you and i need to get away from you because there's no reason as to why you should like me yeah also i shouldn't say I was lucky that I didn't get an STD.

If you get an STD, it doesn't mean you're unlucky. It just means shit happens. I don't want to demonize STDs because they're fucking fine. If it makes you feel better, I've had STIs all the time. I probably have one right now. Okay, let's normalize STIs. Normalize STIs and STDs. I think it's really funny that STDs

rebranded to STI. I love a branding movement. I love a slogan. STI because you have it. How has your life changed since Canada's Drag Race?

I mean like getting on the show was one thing because it was over a year ago that i was preparing for the show like right right now i was in fittings and getting wigs and my apartment was a mess it still is a mess um and then we we shoot the entire show and i have to like keep it secret that i'm in top three the entire you know and then we have this big launch and everyone gets to find out we're on Canada's Drag Race and then that's it. So you sit there for two and a half months waiting for the show to finally start. When the show started, honestly, it is.

It makes my heart so warm because I had zero confidence. Not zero confidence, but very low confidence as a boy and being out of drag and meeting other men and kind of just being confident in like me and drag is such an escape because you put this makeup on and people look at you like you're like this goddess and i was like oh my god like do i have to be in drag to get complimented right so canada's drag race for me specifically like was a way for people that fell in love with me in and out of drag like part of the reason why you know i made such such a great winner and contestant on the show is because of my confessionals so like my out of drag stuff of me just chit chat padu whack give a dog a bone that's shit that really like carried along the show so my life has changed in a

way that i just like believe in myself more as me as mark like my drag was always fucking iconic i was always an icon miss priyanka is an icon but it was more but like that but you you work hard and you see results right like that's what being a drag queen to me means but me as out of drag as just little mark it was i got to kind of come up to the same level as my drag as mark so i feel fucking fantastic i love that because i feel like anytime you play a persona that is an extension of you it's like you have to find the like the yin yang of it you know where it's like you're bringing equal parts to become one because like when i am in you know my version of my drag which is like wig makeup lashes uh some wild fucking print outfit that i'm wearing in like

sketchers because i'm like they're funny uh and comfy they're very comfy they brought back the 90s sketcher heel and i was so excited i bought two pairs one's patent leather but uh that is when i feel the most confident and then not recently i guess it was like a couple years ago i started going out and no makeup and uh flying without makeup and i was oh, I don't get the same amount of attention. But like, that's me. That's who I am. And it's OK that I have acne scars or whatever. And then I started posting more pictures online. And then sometimes people go, what's wrong with your face? And I'm like, oh, what a beautiful comment to make on someone's picture. But yeah, I feel you on like being comfortable just as you yeah and i also think that like it's funny that you bring up the comment thing because that's something that i had to get

used to being on canada's drag race was everybody has something to say yeah and no one ever really fully does no one cares like no one actually cares about you as like the human they're just like attacking you like somebody called me a Paki and a leotard. That's so rude. And I said like. That's so rude. Well, I laughed when I first heard it because it's so funny that like somebody sat there and sent that. I was like, wow, like you're hateful.

That's so interesting to me. But I saved their Twitter. And when I won, I tweeted them and say, hey, the Paki and the leotard won. Get them. I'm a petty get them i'm a petty bitch i'm a petty bitch i fucking love that i this person on instagram i think i've talked about it on the podcast before but it was very funny to me this person made up a whole instagram profile to insult me and at one point they said i was they told me to dust the the oh what was it it was like knock the cheeto dust off your fat black roach fingers and i was like i've never heard that insult before honestly it's kind of poetic i think you should write right it's like when they get you so good you're like this is kind of iconic this is great i was like you're really great at

roasting and they didn't take any like i think i said at one point i was like you're really you have a way with words i think you should write and they were like go fuck yourself and i was like i mean i do every night but like i really want you to like write something that you love and if it's like i think there's some opportunities yeah i. Sometimes I'm like, what are people's lives like that they log out of the Internet and they're like, I'm going to say something nasty to this person who's like living out their dream. That's the thing is like people don't like success. And that's also a problem in the gay world. And I learned that during this last relationship I had. Like we were at like a party together. Like it was the day after I had. Like, we were at, like, a party together.

Like, it was the day after I won. We went to a bar. We got a table. Like, we were allowed to. Like, they have, like, 10 people per table. And I had a friend come up to me and said, I saw your boyfriend talking to this boy. And I was like, were they kissing?

Were they holding hands? Well, I don't know. Like, I think you should just, like, dig a little deeper. And I was like, were they kissing? Were they holding hands? Well, I don't know. Like, I think you should just like dig a little deeper. And I was like, oh. So I brought, so I go to therapy and I talk to a therapist every other week. And I was like, what do you think this is about? And he was like, oh, the classic tale of your friends not being able to celebrate your success. Like it's like in their brains.

Oh, fuck. Yes. In their brains, like priyanka winning canada's drag race is all i see for her but not her having a successful relationship that's so fucked up yep so that's so fucked up so it's so it's similar to the online person that's going to sit there and take you down online is that it's hard for them to see somebody be successful when their vision of success isn't that. Like they don't see colored people being successful.

Like that's not normal. So for them to say like, go dust off your Cheeto fingers. And I love Cheetos. I love Cheetos. So that's a compliment. They're very delicious. Or you're packing a leotard.

That's just their way of saying like, you don't deserve success, which is bullshit. It is bullshit. I think everyone deserves success in what they want to do. I truly. So, OK, maybe I was pettier in my early 20s where I'd be like, I don't like this person. I have this, that and the other. But now I'm like, OK, there's people who are successful who've never been funny one day in their life.

And that's OK. I'm like, OK, there's people who are successful who've never been funny one day in their life. And that's OK. That doesn't take away or add to anything I'm doing just because they're succeeding when maybe I don't find them to be the funniest. But it's like somebody else does and comedy subjective and get the fuck out of their business. Get the fuck back. That's what I feel, too. And I love, as I said before, I love being petty. But as long as it isn't taking your like

parts of your soul out while being petty yes because it does affect some people right because you are spewing out some sort of negativity to somebody and you are entertaining it and you only are a product of the things you entertain but if it doesn't take away from you then be all

be fucking petty if you want to be petty bitch don't come for me because I will send for you i like that don't come for me because i'll send for you they're just so beautiful it's great i love little sayings i don't have very many because i can never i like i'll say something i'll be like oh that's good i'm gonna use it all the time and then i'll be like i'll tell you's good. I'm gonna use it all the time. I'll tell you something. I forget all the time. I'll tell you that. I don't remember shit ever. I don't even remember what I ate for dinner last.

Yes, I do. I had pizza. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what I want for dinner to no white. I don't know. Are you touring right now or no? So I was touring.

We just finished the tour in Ottawa, Ontario, the nation's capital and now i'm done this weekend i was supposed to go to vancouver but that got canceled so i'm just gonna be here crying in my bed alone while i jerk off to old videos um anyway old videos of what of you performing because honestly performing fully iconic i would love for someone without a hint of irony to be like i truly masturbate to myself performing i'm the sexiest fucking person honestly that would be such a treat to hear just

like that's where i want to be with my self-confidence you know yeah uh next month i'm doing some touring i'm going to calgary i'm going to vancouver i'm going to windsor ontario so she's flying around it's just it's so risky because like like this weekend, for example, I was supposed to be in Vancouver. This airs in November. So it's fine. A weekend in October, you were supposed to be in Vancouver. All weekend in October, I was supposed to be in Vancouver. But somebody on like their squad got COVID.

So now we have to like wait. So it's just one of those things where it's like you don't know what you're actually going to be doing like any booking that comes through now I'm like but is it happening yeah it's it's kind of wild like in LA I've been working a little bit and full studios are closing when one person gets it yeah production shut down when one person gets it and to me I'm like well wouldn't wouldn't you just be more careful if you know that that's the outcome? Like, you don't have to believe in masks. You don't have to believe in, you know, this being a real thing. But it's like if my job continually got shut down because one person got it, I would just be more responsible.

I would just take it upon myself to be like, guys, let's like get it the fuck together. No, but there should be like, I agree with you. I think that there should be like if we're actually because like the crew and the makeup artists and everybody that's not on camera, they have to wear masks. But the cast aren't wearing masks. But guess what? The cast can still get COVID, you idiot. Yes.

So what you have, what you actually have to do is get the money from the network to put everybody up together and isolate together. I mean, that's what they're doing in Canada. They're doing that. They're doing that. Yeah. You're going to go home and eat your partner's booty hole and get COVID and then come back to set and do Nicole Byers makeup and give her that booty hole COVID. Do you want booty hole COVID, Nicole? Honestly, I would take it because that

means i had sex by proxy i would truly i would take it when was the last time you had sex march and it is fucking october it has been months march april may june july august this is the longest i've gone and i feel dead inside a little bit i I just, I don't, okay, I don't trust people. I don't trust these random ass people I'm gonna meet on the internet to like be safe. And then I've been working pretty, kind of steadily. I don't wanna be the cause of a production shutting down. I don't want people to not get their bag

because I'm horny. So. Very, very selfless of you. you yeah it's not selfless it's honestly like i'm not stopping my own bag for dick you know like it's never worth it because look this whole podcast is called why won't you date me a podcast about dick and vagina so it's never worth it. It's not fucking worth it. So are you on? Well, I mean, you just got broken up with yesterday. Before you had a partner, were you like on the apps and whatnot? Oh, wait.

So you haven't experienced the apps after being on Drag Race? No. I feel like that's going to be a fucking trip. I think it's going to be kind of annoying. Like even before Drag Race, I would get messages of people being like, what's my name? Priyanka. Like all of my taglines would be sent to me all the time. But the thing is, is that like gay people watch Drag Race.

They're going to know who I am. And it honestly works in my favor. And not because I have to like use my fame to get dick it's just because they already know who i am they saw me you know be a bottom be a top on net on you know so all the small talk is out of the way jinx said the same thing when i interviewed them they were like it it's fine it's like great either you want to fuck me because you want to fuck me because I'm me or you have an attraction to me as a person. Either way, I'm getting fucked. I'm paraphrasing and I might be bastardizing what Jinxie said.

But I was like, yeah, I guess it does work out. Yeah. Like, why not? Like, if you want, if you think I'm so sexy because you saw me on Canada's Drag race and you just love yourself some boyanka and you want to give me that big eight inch uncut dick with a little bit of a hook stick it in me then by all means do it right i think demi lovato just broke up with her fiance because he ended up being like a demi lovato stan wait the the one that she just... I'm like 99% sure. And by 99, I mean, I saw one thing on Instagram

and now I'm like, this is the law of the land. I'm going to look it up just to make sure that I'm right. So, okay, Demi Lovato. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look. Oh, my God. Demi Lovato broke off engagement after learning Max A. Rich was using her to further his career.

It was hard for Demi to admit she made a mistake when it came to Max. The couple split on Thursday, just two months after they got engaged in Malibu. Isn't that wild? So that's a big problem though is because with me, with

you, there is a persona, there is a specific kind of job. There's a specific kind of lifestyle that people are attracted to. They see us. They see how confident we are. We make people laugh. We make people happy. And they're part of that lot.

So you can't always think that someone is going to use you when they want to date you because there are going to be people that want to use you and there's going to be people that aren't but you have to be a smart motherfucker and you have to know when someone is like that like like my last boyfriend i was worried at first that he was going to be a little bit of a star fucker but then as i got to know him you could pick up on signs you have to pick up on those things like my mama always says love makes you stupid and i totally agree with her but because she told me that so many times growing up i was all i'm always looking up for signs i mean that is honestly very true i never thought of it like that but yeah love love does make you very very stupid and you're like i tolerate this this is fine this that and

the other like a lovely thing that my therapist has been saying when i've been lamenting about the people i've dated yeah she says yeah but like do you ever think if they were good for you as opposed to you being good for them and I'm always like no I never think about that I never put myself first I'm always like oh I fucked this and that up and she's like or they weren't accepting of what you gave them and I'm like all right yeah that is just it is that like you are gonna give what you are gonna give and if you're into somebody you're gonna act the way that you act whenever you're into someone and if they don't accept that then that's just it thank you next thank you next Thank you. Next, Ariana Grande. What's your ideal penis? My ideal penis is my third ex-boyfriend's, fourth ex-boyfriend's beautiful, beautiful cock. Like whenever, like if we were ever like sleeping naked, I would just like open my eyes and I would like look at it and it would just be so

juicy and just like flopping over and just gorgeous like it looks like it has flavor you know oh he was uncut humungo dick didn't have big dick energy so imagine to my surprise when i pulled the pants down and there was a mandingo waiting to take me to church you know one that just takes you i think i'm trying to think i feel like there's been like one or two dicks in my life that i was like my god this is just delightful this dude i did it like two years ago he was like very very thin and tall and i truly didn't think anything i was like it's gonna be fine and then he like pulled down his pants and i audibly went oh boy what a treat and he said what and i said um nothing yeah i find like different body types have different dicks.

Like there's like like even my last boyfriend was very short. Like he was shorter than me, but he had a ginormous cock. I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, who makes these men? Yeah. I want to go to the store where they make these these that are so tiny with these huge rockin' dicks. I know. I want to meet the person.

I want to meet the person. Real quick, we have to take a break. Oh, on that note. And we're back. Just to get away from dicks just for a little bit you used to host a kid show i did dicks dicks dicks and now let's talk about spongebob squarepants it's called in the zone i right it's called ytv's the zone oh why fuck me i did fuck it up in the intro i guess i'm just not canadian you're not canadian a yes ytv is the zone is like the flagship after school program that kids run home

after their boring class of mathematics to watch spongebob squarepants fairly odd parents sailor moon pokemon digimon the adams family like any show ever. Oh, okay. We have like all these PJs growing up. There was PJ Phil. There was PJ Katie. There was all these kind of PJs. And there was Carlos. And then there was me. Wait, what's a PJ?

Like a, it was like a VJ, but they called it P. I don't know why. Oh, okay. And how old were you? Were you like a teen when you did this or a young adult? No, I was, it was a year ago. I quit that job to do Drag Race. And so I was 28.

So I did that from 21 to 28, I think, for a long time. So I grew up. It's so cool because I grew up with some children. Now they watch me on Canada's Drag Race. It's fucking awesome. I love that. Has have you had any like backlash over it at all? No, everyone.

has have you had any like backlash over it at all no everyone it's almost like whenever they see that i'm like living so unapologetically they're like well i guess he's doing it and he's being so successful at it so i guess he's fine none none at all and if there has been i haven't seen it i i didn't know how to phrase that question because I was doing comedy, just, you know, freely talking about dicks and you know, everything that comes along with that. And my specials allegedly rather vulgar.

I don't think it is, but whatever. And now I host nailed it, which is ostensibly like a, the demographic is like children to like adults and a lot of kids watch it so their parents will come to my shows and it's not quite backlash but like i've been told so many times they're like we did we were not expecting this this was far filthier we we don't think we can repeat a single joke to our children who had wanted to come see you and i never know how to deal with that because I'm like,

oh, I had so much before. I understand that this show is big and that's what you know me from, but I'm like, I can't wrap my mind around like you not ever like looking at the other stuff that I've done. So yeah, I think that's what I was coming from

to be like. Like I actually relate to you. The difference with me is is that i have i had two different personas i was like ytv suki that was my nickname and then i was priyanka but ytv i had a boss there and he actually tried to make me choose like can you do drag or can you do kids tv like i feel like you have to choose like you work so hard for this kids tv career gonna throw it all away and he and I said and so we have a we had a cast

it was like me Lisa Gilroy I think you know her Victor and Carlos and I and Lisa at the time was doing a lot of Second City stuff because she wanted to break into the comedy scene and I said what's the difference of Lisa Gilroy going to Second

City and having fake simulated sex on stage versus me performing Ariana Grande to a bunch of gay 19 plus teenagers at a bar? There's no difference under a different name. Like there's no difference. And then he finally like shut up. And I was like, I just need to know if you're fighting against me or fighting for me because if you're fighting against me this is a different story about to call hr on your ass when did you how old were you when you said this to this person this was two years ago i had it i had it officially i love that you had the agency to be like you truly cannot have this double standard i was like either you're trying to like you know take

me down or you are trying to be helpful but it does not sound like you're fucking trying to be helpful no and the thing is it's like he he was also a gay man so i think a lot of it came from him wanting to protect me because back in his day like this is so taboo there are no kids hosts being a drag queen you know but luckily candace drag race was the perfect like meld of both thank god so no backlog no backlash but i do call myself the hannah montana i love it i love it speaking of which hannah montana miley cyrus just did this thing for like mtv it was like mtv unplugging her backyard and she did a cover of a britney spears song of a gimme more and i was like miley yeah this is everything and now i think i want a mullet

wig i don't know how to cut a wig into a mullet but i'm gonna figure it out you would look so good in a mullet but you have to change your name to something like just like like roxanne imagine sapphire i get on stage and i'm like i'm not nicole byer i am now sapphire and i'm gonna talk about uh i don't know what do people with mullets talk about i don't know doing coke in the washroom and not getting their guitar i do coke all the time and i play the guitar and you're not getting any jokes i have to do 15 minutes of comedy tonight and i truly have no idea what i'm going to talk about talk about covid sex i mean i haven't had covid sex i mean i do have a joke about lady glory holes that i've only done once and it went okay see you can have sex with a mask on you just use the holes yeah i don't know i'm gonna i'm

gonna work it out i'm gonna figure it out i cannot go into 2021 without getting deep dicked at least one last time because 2021 might be our last year as a planet i know do you have like a favorite like position that you like to get dicked down in i like doggy style and for a very long time it was because i didn't have to worry about eye contact but now i'm fine with eye contact i just i think it hits you better from behind um my mouth is wide open because i'm in shock it was uh what the eye contact no wait let before you ask me what mine is this this therapy thing that you realized like you not liking doggy stuff because you're afraid of eye contact like if i could put that in a symbol and get it tattooed on myself i would

that's iconic like that's so iconic that's so relatable i love that so much well it just got to be like one of those things where someone is staring at me and i'm like i don't know do i now have to perform and this is just okay do i look away where do do i close my eyes and then i open them and you're still staring at me and now we're gonna have a stare off and then I realized I realized I wasn't connecting with people and it wasn't fully intimate you know it took a lot of therapy to get to that little good for you though I'm so proud of my little baby you've all grown up now oh Pri, Priyanka, thank you. How did you arrive at the name Priyanka, which I think is a terrible question to ask a drag queen? No, I think it's cool.

No, for me, like, hey, I'm an overthinker. And I was like, what's a name that's already been used? That's a crossover. So if people understand that there's like a brown girl coming on stage. And because of Priyanka Chopra, I was like, let me use that name that name she's on quantico she's married to nick jonas people know who she is so let me just use that because to the white girl mind that name is already in her brain because it's on tv already that's honestly i think something white people never ever have to think about they never have to think about when their name is

called and they arrive at the stage that people might be disappointed do you know what i mean or they might leave and go to the bathroom because they're like oh this doesn't matter like white people never have to think about that shit just the fact that you were like i thought of a name so people would understand that a brown person is coming out is so it's fucked up that you had to think that way. But like, I fully understand it. Like I've said it on the podcast before, but my name is Nicole Michelle. I don't have a nickname because my mother wanted me on paper to look like maybe I wasn't

black and maybe you would call me in for that interview. I said it on the show. My mom named her son steve mike mark and chris so we didn't get bullied in school bitch i get it yeah and like that is the wildest thing that a parent has to do like my mom used to she told me when i was very young she was like you know i prayed for a second kid and i was blessed with one and then when I was very young, she was like, you know, I prayed for a second kid and I was blessed with one. And then when I was pregnant, I would pray that you would come out the same shade as your sister. Because if I came out darker, people would be meaner to me.

If I came out lighter, people would be nicer to me. But if we were the same color, we would be treated evenly. And that blew, like, as a kid, I was like, that's nice. As an adult, I'm like, oh my God. So this pregnant woman had to like fucking pray. Yeah, it's so insane. Yeah, it's so fucked up. I mean, I've been talking to my parents a lot about like their immigration process and stuff.

And they were like, it's kind of one of those things where like you're coming into another country. So you want to like abide by their rules. So if there's a classroom of kids and they're all names, Tim and Candace and Charlotte, then I will name my son Mark. So he fits into the class because we even hear from Guyana. Get in the class. You know,

it's like they want to, to just hide because they don't want to be pointed out for being different because they don't want to cause problems with the government, which is bullshit. But yeah, it's so fucked up. And I mean, it's truly every episode I'm talking about how systemic racism has its little

fingies everywhere, but it truly does. It's so wild. I worked with a Guyanese man named Mr. Henry. I think he was guyanese he was really sweet he was a security guard at lame giant where i worked aka lame bryant for the fatties um that's the actual name of the store but he was the only nice person at that fucking job everyone else called me a weirdo because i was what weird

guyanese people are amazing they cook the best food and do you does your family believe in obia i don't know who obia is who's obia okay obia is not not it's not a person it's a dark it's like a dark energy and like you can put obia on people and when we were younger my nanny who passed if she didn't like people she would say now go to that auntie house she'll give you Obia so she'd make so she didn't want you to go to this auntie's house because she was worried that they would

bad eye you and put a curse on you and yeah it's a real thing it's a real thing people buy Obia oil and put it on people to cast spells on them and shit it's black magic black magic it is black magic people are wild wild no i've never heard of that but i am west indian for a long time i've also

said this on the podcast i think it was episodes ago i thought i was native american because my one aunt my aunt mertis was like oh you, because we're Indian. And then the door closed and I was like, I'm Native American. I thought that for a solid two years, maybe three, telling people I was part Native American. I just didn't know what tribe. And then that same aunt was like, you know, because we're West Indian. And I was like, fuck. So, Nicole, don't worry. Like I will get we will get some obia oil and I'll put some on my ex.

You'll put some on some guy who fucked you over and together. Yes. Together we'll cast a spell. We are the Hocus Pocus remake that they need. Honestly, if Kathy Najimy gave her blessing, I would love to play that part. It's me, you, and we need a third person. Who's the third person? Who would be the third

person hmm Zendaya no Kiki Palmer okay Kiki Palmer I can see that that I can see Zendaya I think is I don't know she's pretty versatile I liked Euphoria I didn't watch all of it but what I saw Euphoria I really liked it yeah if you keep watching i think you'll love it it was a little intense at times where i'd be like oh dios mio i can't believe yeah i did i did like it i love it are you watching any other tv shows right now i mean people are probably sick of hearing about this but i watch 90 day fiance it's my favorite show on television i love it so much um i just re-watched rupaul's drag race season one work which is truly iconic like rebecca glasscock is the villain of our time she would just do these things and you're like rebecca you certainly you won't be rewarded

and then it's like top two and you're like how she was so poorly behaved i wish she still did drag i don't think she does did you you watched i know you watched some of canada's drag race right i watched all of canada's drag oh you watched all of it very lovely time oh my god i know that you didn't know that i was west indian i did not know because during the snatch game i was confused i was so mad at you it was like it was like real I was so pissed I was like really well I was so my initial so this is when I was starting to like blow up too right so I was getting a lot of like comments so I was so excited to like listen to this Nicole Byer podcast talking about you know Snatch Game because I knew I did bad for close to

a year but I knew that that lip sync was so good bitch and I was like is Nicole Byer questioning how brown I am I which wasn't the case which wasn't the case that's not the case at all but that's how I felt in the moment because it was like a moment of sensitivity for me because like i was getting so much it was it was happening i was becoming like a star to to to everybody so i was being canceled and i was being celebrated and i was you know people were looking for my nudes like it was so many things on top of things so i was just worried that you were mad at me but then we we made up i try to say so drag her i love doing it it is a little difficult though because it is my opinions and i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings and i don't want someone to take what i've said and

then like attack a queen because like that's not it. And then people have like a lot to say about my opinions, which I guess it's like if you have opinions, you have to take opinions. But I said I didn't like Kine's dress at the crowning episode. And they were like, that's a traditional Filipino dress. And I was like, I know was ill-fitting that's just an opinion I wasn't taking down Filipino dresses yeah so it's just like uh I wasn't questioning how brown you were I was just choose I was like why black but I didn't I also didn't realize you were West Indian yeah that that's that's the that's the the the lesson that I guess I learned. I mean, luckily it was bad and luckily I was in the bottom. So I got mine.

But that's the thing. It's like, it's just tough because like, although I am West Indian, like technically the character of Miss Cleo was born an American, but her roots are West Indian. I think it's more Jamaican. I think. Yeah, I think so as well. So technically, I'm not Jamaican. So I don't technically have the right

to be impersonating a Jamaican woman. So it's just one of those lesson learned things. But then part of me was like, I did bad anyway. So what does it matter? I think I think you can impersonate Miss Cleo. I think it's fine to impersonate someone of a different race. I just think it's you're working that much harder because it's like I don't want you to paint yourself a different color. You just have to like have the outfit on point the accent on point and then even then it's like

people get really touchy-feely about accents like i think it was manila luzon who did uh oh god it was like the oh shit i can't remember it was uh shoes it was amelda marcos which i think is a different asian ethnicity than her oh i don't even know if i can say asian ethnicity it was a different a different ethnicity yeah and people were like well that's not okay this that and the other and i was like but why and they're like because she's putting on an accent and i i just think at some points you're like splitting splitting hairs yeah and was the snatch game hard it was hard right it was awful it was so awful i thought like i come from an improv background i come from sketch i come from characters that's all we did on kids tv so i was completely shattered when i read when i sat down and i

realized that i did not prep properly for Miss Cleo, I realized that my improv skills have faded. I should have, you know, like you have to keep polishing, right? Yeah. And it was so hard. It was so hard, especially when you're challenged. Like the first thing I said was something about a pom-pom and Brooklyn immediately kind of shut me down.

She's like, what's that? And I was like, oh. Yeah, but like, I will say, you gotta, if someone says something you don't know, you don't just go, less that. Yeah. You make a pun or something. I think there's like a little bit of volleying that maybe didn't happen in that Snatch Game. didn't happen in that snatch game but like it is so hard to do an impersonation and then like keep it up because i've i've only gotten to see it once uncut when i was on all stars three it was honestly the wildest thing i'd ever seen it was i was like i can't believe this is how it's because

people don't realize you guys improvise for like an hour. Yes. You're just sitting there trying to be in character because those cameras are trying to catch you on an off moment. And if they have the option to make you look a little bit bad, that's what they're going to cut to. Yes. Yeah. It's playing a game against the cameras. They're on your side, but they're also like not on your side

because the TV show and making it entertaining is what the priority is. Yes. They need to structure narratives and whatnot and it is interesting because i didn't know this and this is not a knock against drag race or world of wonder or anything but the reason why everyone wears the same shirt and the confessionals is so they can cherry pick it and put it where they want. And I was like, wow. Smart. I love that. Whoever came up with that, I hope they got a raise. Yeah, I think it's so smart.

Because that's fucking iconic. I agree. I hate that bitch. And you can just put that anywhere you want to any old bitch. That's wild. I love that. You got to play your games, your games honey i love tv i love working in tv i love figure that that was all that was also the hard part about canada's drag race is that it was my tv vacation i was still in tv but i wasn't like a part of it you know i wasn't helped making it i wasn't it. I wasn't help coming up with challenges. So I was like, damn it.

Did you find that hard to take not a backseat, but like work in TV in a different capacity? Yeah, I definitely was like at first a little bit like weird. It's kind of like you're a little bit like cautious because I'm used to writing the scripts and knowing what camera shots i want to get and blah blah blah blah so that that was a tough transition but once i kind of like shot the first episode i was like girl you're having fun this is your vacation like like you're lucky that you got to leave a tv job and still be on tv and now you're doing less work because drag is fun drag is fun for me it's not doesn't feel like work. So I was like, fuck it. Just have fun.

And I did that, which is why I ended up winning. Bing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding. Is the crown heavy? The crown has not been delivered to my home yet. I'm still waiting for, I get it this week. That's a long ass time. That's a long ass time,

but don't worry, we will get the crown. We will get the photo shoots. We will do what we have to do. Yes, I love it. Oregon TV is so interesting because I find myself, I pick and choose my battles now. Like if I think something is very, very funny, I will, like I will sometimes I'll just be like, guys, I really think that's funny and I think we should get it. And if people, if there's a pushback and it's not my project, I go, okay.

Unless I'm like, that's really funny. Yeah. And I'm just going to, I'm just going to say it again until someone corrects me. And that's a fun thing I do. I say the words how I want to say them until someone goes, can you say them scripted? And I go, oh, okay. I didn't know if you wanted that. That's the thing though, that like you know as you said

earlier comedy is subjective but like also like you as a comedian know what's funny because you know what what makes you laugh yes and that's important i know it makes me laugh and then i do pay attention to feedback whether it be negative or positive and people will be like oh this part was so funny and i'm like yeah that was me priyanka what's next for you what i'm asking the worst questions like what do you welcome to in the zone whenever people are like what's next for you to call me i don't know i don't fucking know die and i keep fucking working yeah i just got dumped you fucking cunt like Like, what do you fucking want me to do? What's next for me?

Well, I'm going to end this call, drink an entire ball of vodka, go cry and think I'm ugly. No, you're stunning and you've great skin. What's your skincare regimen? I have the most sensitive skin in the world. So I have to use a lot of like just Cet fail oh and and and that kind of shit and i just have a clear sonic that i scrub with and i'm just very careful very very careful wow it is it's honestly very clear very beautiful i do not have good skin but i stopped eating meat in may and it stopped my acne yep when i cut out eggs and dairy it stopped my acne but then. When I cut out eggs and dairy, it stopped my acne. But then it came back and I went on Accutane

and now I can eat whatever I want. Oh, so you're on Accutane. I was on Accutane for a while. Did you want to pass away on Accutane? You know, I was nervous, honey. Because sometimes they say that's a side effect, that you want to pass

away. Yeah, they say that you can have suicidal thoughts because it takes all the,'s like an oversaturation of vitamin a so it dries out all your skin and makes you depressed um but it didn't make me depressed i was thriving i was going to the club you know like not like i see you trying to get me down with your side effects corona accutane you will not get me i mean yeah that's the only reason why i wouldn't take it and i've got terrible acne scars i did um i did fraxel laser treatment for my acne scars they went away really see i'm very nervous about doing any sort of laser treatments just because black skin scars easily and keloids and i just i'm like i guess i just need to look for like a

black dermatologist to help me that no and they get it mine mine was a dark-skinned fellow named dr sapra love him so he knows dark skin so he was very careful where's dr sapra is he in canada canada he's a canada sometimes that happens i canada canada can canada canada hi canada i love canada i love canada i like vancouver vancouver is very cute toronto i didn't really get to explore i was there for two days i love edmonton and people are always like ew i love that i'm you and i are so similar i always love the weird small city town thing i don't know why yeah i maybe that's why i liked it i love people but i like to be away from people and i like what when like a town as a visitor has like

innocence like you walk in and then like this server named susan comes up to give you a drink and you're like your life is just so simple like you just live you just go to work every day and you do this and your biggest problem is that your neighbor is annoying and then that's it yeah I mean I guess that's why I like Edmonton because I'm always like why do I

like it so much because it's like quaint it's cute everyone was like a little weird but like also very normal yeah I've been having a lot of fun in calgary i love calgary i haven't been to calgary yet it's really or is edmonton in calgary no edmonton's its own thing edmonton's in alberta which is alberta's the province and then yes edmonton and calgary are within alberta uh i was also in Quebec and the Quebecians, they didn't like me,

I don't think. They don't vibe. They don't vibe. They don't vibe with the colored girls. It was a strange city for me to be in because I was like, I think I'm being very nice and I don't know

if it's been reciprocated to me. Yeah, they're very standoffish is a good way to kind of describe it. I've had good experiences. I performed at cabaret mado in montreal and and i think because they already knew me before i got there it was easier i think it's hard to impress them i think that's the problem maybe yeah i did my special in quebec it was uh it was interesting it was so weird because, so what, I was very lucky.

I got to do two shows and then we picked the best jokes from either one and meshed them together. And it was like things that hit in the first show didn't hit in the second show. Things that hit in the second show didn't hit. And I was like, I can't figure out this fucking audience. Yeah, it's like Frankensteining. Yeah, it's hard. It's like, it's just trying to figure out why won't you date me i mean i'll never figure that out i don't know maybe i will people keep going they're like what are you gonna do if you like find a partner and i'm like continue to talk

about love and just yeah i'll just have a different perspective i don't know i'm excited for that yes i'm excited for that too because it whenever you're in a relationship it brings up so many things about yourself that you you know like all my anxiety for example is all relationship based like i only get anxious uh when it comes to relationships so that's why i ended up starting medication when i started dating my ex, because I was like, oh, this is an actual problem that I'm having that I can't sit here with my thoughts because of my past traumas from my other relationships that now I got to figure out how to be normal within this new relationship. So I think being in a relationship is, you it's so fun it's like you learn so much about yourself and you learn how to still like chase your dreams and how to exist without letting somebody get you down because there's a like the love makes you stupid thing is a real thing but love doesn't have to make you stupid you can find a person that helps you and guides you along the way that

betters your life but we're so used to the fucking idiots. Honestly, you sound so well adjusted and healthy. I love that you were like, this is a problem that I have in relationships. I need to seek medication and help for this. Yeah. I am the person who's like, oh, my life fully fell out from the bottom. And I hit a cute little rock bottom where I got drunk and fell out of my shower and was like,

maybe I talked to someone about this. I went through a very cute phase where I get very drunk and be like, I need to be wet. But now I'm done with that phase, which is good. Yes, it's a new chapter. No more drunk showers.

No, only drunk sits. Priyanka, this has been so delightful, so lovely. I truly enjoy you. Oh, wait. Also, so the outfit you wore in Drag Race with like the little space buns, little buns. Yeah. That was half blue, half orange.

Fucking legendary. It was so fucking cute. was like i don't know nikki minaj meets megan the stallion meets like doja like it was so fucking cute like meets like i'm a knicks cheerleader like it i it was one of my favorite outfits you wore and then your finale look was stunning yeah i honestly i feel the exact the same opinions that you have that orange and blue and you could just tell that I was just feeling my own feeling it thank you I really appreciate that and that's my favorite when people come

through your TV and you're like oh my god they're having the best time yeah like that time I got drunk and untucked wait which part that was episode 9 when I was wearing the paper dress and I said, well, Michelle Visage

sounds like I'm pretty. And then Jimbo was like, from the neck up, bitch. Jimbo's funny. Jimbo's a saucy little fucker. Is Jimbo as nice and wonderful as I think Jimbo is?

Jimbo's so nice and wonderful, but she is a hateful bitch. I love it. That's my favorite. It's like very that. Like, if I was to fall into a ditch, Jimbo. It's like very that. Like if I was to fall into a ditch,

Jimba would be the first person there. But if I ever want to feel like shit about something, Jimba will also make me feel like shit about something. A very well-rounded person. That I love.

Okay, Priyanka, I ask all of my guests this. Sometimes I forget, but would you date me? Yes, I would date you and i would eat that clean i will make you squirt baby don't go chasing waterfalls tonight because those waterfalls are splashing all over your sheets miss nicole baya oh i love it. That is honestly the nicest that you want me to squirt all over my sheets. But also rude because who's going to do my fucking laundry? Me.

I'm just kidding. And I'll make you avocado toast in the morning. Thank you. I love avocado. I truly love avocado toast, even though it's like so kind of basic and simple. It's like delicious. Yeah, it's better than an eight inch curved uncut cock. No, it's not.

It's not better than that. It truly is not. No, nothing's better than that. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on iTunes or Apple Podcasts as they call it now. And if you send me a

nasty message via a dm or in the like uh i don't know where you can like put the reviews i will read the nasty ones so this person wrote in acrostic agreement so it's my name going down and across it says n negotiate terms of agreement i initiate sex stuff c cocaine full of pussy oh other nasty things l lick the back of your teeth e eat your butt eat your butt eat your butt lick the back of my teeth is maybe the most disturbing thing i've ever heard i love that i would love to lick the back of your teeth, Henny. Oh my God, I don't even know how you would do it.

I have such a tiny tongue, I couldn't do it. You're a little tiny tongue. And Nicole, we have to do it. My name is Priyanka, what's my name? Priyanka!

My name is Priyanka, say my name. Priyanka! Do you love me? Yes, Priyanka! Do you think I'm pretty? Yes, Priyanka! Do you want to fuck me? Yes, Priyanka! Do you think I'm pretty? Yes, Priyanka. Do you want to fuck me?

Yes, Priyanka. Wow, great. Great answer. Good job. Okay, my turn. My turn. Will I ever get a boyfriend? No.

Oh. Sorry. Miss Cleo had a vision. I love that Miss Cleo was so bad in the Snatch Game because that means the opposite will happen hey bye this has been a Team Coco production.