Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - From DM to Marriage (w/ Shannon Joy Rodgers)

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Friend and writer Shannon Joy Rodgers (Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Ellen) joins Nicole to talk about roller-blading, the costs and challenges of planning a COVID-safe wedding right now, and how she found her husband by sliding into the DMs. Plus, in a podcast first, Nicole receives a musical answer to the question "Would you date me?". The podcast is nominated for a People's Choice Award! Please vote at  bit.ly/VoteWWYDM Black Lives Matter.  Click here for a list of ways you can support racial justice. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Ooh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could come in my cereal and tell me it's milk, I would say something's afoot. My guest today is a writer and performer who's written for Jimmy Kimmel and Ellen DeGeneres.

She's also been featured on Conan, The Late Late Show, and Modern Family. It's Shannon Joy Rogers! I was wondering what you were going to say. It was great. Okay, good. I'm glad you liked it. First and foremost. Wouldn't that be sticky, though?

What? Wouldn't it be like if the cum was milk? What if you have Frosted Flakes and it's been there a minute? Do you know if it's actually the frosted flakes are like slightly melting? Is it hot outside? Like what's going on with that? I feel like if it was right before I ate it, it would still be like liquidy. But if it came in my frosted flakes and then it sat out for a little bit, then I wouldn't.

You wouldn't know the difference. I wouldn't. And that's know the difference. I wouldn't. And that's a mean trick to play on somebody. They're like, wow, these are some oddly savory, funky. Yeah, it's a little funky. I don't like it. A couple of these flakes are thicker than the rest. This is not for me.

Some disgruntled worker really got in that box, huh? me some disgruntled worker really got in that box huh do you remember when i don't know if you saw this but a writer whose name escapes me tweeted about finding shrimp in his uh in his cinnamon toast crunch oh yeah you know what i i uh that guy i edited something for when i worked at jash and jash is a lovely place and that's all i'll say he's fine whatever i think that the internet kind of handled exactly who that person is yeah and you know not to like dig up a dead horse i don't think that's the phrase but like we never got a conclusion about the shrimps and the cinnamon toast crunch it went away he stopped responding he uh he didn't like how viral it went and the other attention he got on being maybe not the nicest person it's so easy to just be nice like it is like who raised these people seriously sometimes when people are just

like i'm like yeah just introduce yourself and say hi and be like oh cool shirt i don't know it's really fucking easy to walk through this life it's just nice the older i get the more that makes so much more sense to me because it's like when you're younger you're like i'm the only girl on this improv team fuck that woman and it's like why did you ever feel like that you fucking freak that is like one of the my worst peeves, especially in the comedy industry, because it's like there really is enough for everybody. But that's how society is set up. Yeah. We're set up to fail.

I always make this comment like there can be five dudes that look exactly the same, all named Trevor. And they're like, we're the prank bros. And people love them and they love each other. And they actually act like brothers. But like you get five black women together and they have to be like a housewife or like a baller wives and they have to be like throwing stilettos at each other. You know what I mean? It's not positive or productive.

Mostly it's just like petty. Yeah, it is fully wild. It's just like petty. Yeah. Yes, it is fully. Why is unfortunate? Yeah. Like I it took me too long to realize that like I have a seat at the table. Also, this table has infinite amounts of leaves to make it bigger. So other people know what the things on your plate at your seat are for you. And I don't want you.

I don't really want that exact combo. Like you got combo. Hey, I want combo c like you know like there is enough it really truly I truly believe that like I think so absolutely uh life is not tapas life is uh not sharing your food like you had breakfast this morning and I had breakfast this morning and we both got to eat because we had the resources. It's all good. Fine. We're fine.

Yeah. I like. I mean, this is not nice, but like like way back in the day when they'd be like, well, if you can't do it, do you know another black woman? I'd be like, well, I don't know. I don't know. And now I'm like, absolutely. Here's a plethora. Here's 20 black women who can fill this role that that i can't do or when people

are like do you have a suggestion for someone i'm like this is an up-and-coming person and i hate that it took me so long to understand that i would not feel bad that it took you so long the fact that you even got there is huge because some people don't utilize their platform anytime i leave like an editing job or something i try to fill it with a female or feel with, you know, someone and but someone who is qualified. And it's what's crazy is like I have so many fucking qualified female friends. I have so many qualified, diverse friends and non-diverse. Like I just want people to be eaten so we can all eat. non-diver like i i just want people to be eaten so we can all eat yeah uh even with like auditions now when i go out for something that's like i don't really read as gruff uh and it's uh i don't

think people want to see me like really trying to act so like yeah i have a couple friends who i'm not saying they come off as gruff but they just do it better than me so i will just send them the breakdown. I'll be like this. You should. You absolutely will crush this. And because you're helping them and you're helping the production. Because it's like you're not going to use me.

So like, why not just be like this fucking person's awesome. And you know what? If you get if you did get used, then that's what? Weeks, months out of your time that you're like, I could have been doing something that I that i'm actually into yes and enjoy that and not struggling with and like being like do they hate me i'm bad at this how did you get into editing because i feel like that is or not feel like it's a male-dominated industry it really is um well i grew up. I skateboard and I rollerblade. Which is so fucking cool. It's really fun. I have just an insane list of injuries that plague me every day. I've had so many different mattresses since I've even lived in L.A.

But, yeah, so I had a camera in high school. yeah so i had a camera in high school like we always had cameras around the house and then i had like a like a hi-8 um camera and then like kind of kept graduating with whatever new sony digital cameras came out and would film our skate videos and like put them on youtube or something like like youtube 1.0 or they wouldn't allow for you to go over like 100 megabytes so everything's like super low quality and pixelated and stuff like that but uh that taught me how to film kind of guerrilla style and how to edit to music so when I moved to LA I started doing UCB stuff and people were like oh I need a reel and I was like oh I can just take your clips and put them together. And then I started making people's reels. And then I got on a digital team as the editor and DP. So it kind of started from there.

And then people were like, we need an editor. So I just worked freelance places like Jazz or BuzzFeed, Funny or Die, stuff like that. Oh, I fucking love that. So whenever I'm between things, especially when pandemic hit, I was so grateful that I was able to edit remote. So many people like went to Zoom, like I was editing all the podcasts for like like Crooked or like Find Your Dive stuff. Well, they were like doing Zoom type stuff. And so I was like, oh, well, this is like way easier than getting like a hard drive with like a huge amount of gigs on it that I can just put that together and get my same day rate.

But it was nice. How did you get into skateboarding? Again, pretty male dominated. How did you get into skateboarding or rollerblading? I got to show you a photo. My mom found this. She found a box that she thought was Christmas decoration. It was all photos and so last time we were just uh at my high school reunion in august and she showed us all these photos but there's a photo of me on my very first skateboard on my fifth birthday and it's a ninja turtles board and i look i look like i'm five five i'm so tall and lanky. It's so funny. But I have like a tiny helmet on. Yeah, I kind of like, honestly, Ninja Turtles started me then like I was like, Oh, that's what a real skateboard is. That's like, Oh, welcome to hell toy machine. That's a real skate video. Okay. Like in middle school, like seeing kids. Oh, I'm like, Oh, those are the shoes I should wear okay cool I'll I'll you know whatever but then rollerblading really took over my life in ninth grade and that's that's more so what I like competed in and had videos and stuff like that oh shit you competed I mean yeah what's a rollerblade competition like I've never been to one that sounds fun there's a good one coming up

I think in the first week it's always the weekend after halloween um blade cup and it's like yeah like a twenty thousand dollar purse i won't be skating in it because i i i i can't control myself i will fall really bad because i want to go like i used to when i was like you know younger but i mean it's kind of like essentially like the, I don't know if you saw anything of the skateboarding Olympics where it's like a skate park and then they have a run or they have like best trick. Oh yeah.

Yeah. It's like, yeah. Like 45, 60 second run. And then you get judged and et cetera. Yeah. All I want to do is to be able to roller skate or roller blade for more

than a minute. And that's me being generous. I think you should trade your... You have some Moxie skates, huh? Are they Moxie or Impala? I saw the blue ones. I have Impala. Yeah, you should just get the Impala blades.

Because starting off, the quads are fun and all, but the blades are going to give you more versatility and more stability, which is why it's harder to be good at it. Because you can kind of be good at it right off the bat, but what's counted and what actually counts and is street cred or whatever, is a higher level, you know. But exercise-wise, I think it's one of the reasons why I think I don't have lower back pain. Oh, interesting. Because I have such strong lower back kind of hip muscles from skating my entire life, yeah. Even just standing on them, don't you think?

Yeah, standing on them is so fucking hard. And then trying to turn your toes in so you don't go anywhere, don't you think yes standing on them is so fucking hard and then trying to turn your toes in so you don't go anywhere but then you start going backwards because you're not like grounding yourself enough it's just so hard uh but how's your ankle right now it is getting stronger each day okay i work out with my friend who lives in england uh i just don't like i've never had a good trainer except for him so we've been working on like ankle mobility stuff and yesterday i had a pole class where i like landed on it in a way that i hadn't in a while and it didn't hurt so i was like

maybe all this ankle shit is working maybe i can rollerblade or roller skate again are you wearing an ankle sleeve or a brace while you're doing pole stuff anytime you're active i would i can say they're like i would for a couple more months okay not while not while you're actually doing pt and stuff but anything where you could like accidentally step on it wrong i would use precaution okay even in your skates there's i used to like i broke my ankle uh in high school not skating walking around the skate park and i walked off of a ramp that was probably like three feet tall snapped my ankle i was like really oh that fucking sucks that's i've had some humbling experiences in my life but it's all good yeah that shit fucking sucks like truly when i

looked at my ankle and it was it looked like a u-turn and i was like oh no thank you and then recently i heard it on the way to ucb i had low cut doc martens you know how the heel is just like a little wonky on docs that like should be a full boot but they're like the really low cut like the mary janes and the sidewalk is so shitty right there it like it like hung up i had my heavy backpack on like two bags of props or something and it just kind of hung up on the sidewalk and really just the ligament it's uh stretched that shit and it was like sitting in there i had to get ice from the inner sanctum and i was just like furious in my head like i was walking on the sidewalk but uh i went to pt i think i sent you that place moti yeah and that and they really did

bounce my ankle back like because the soft tissue's so much worse than our actual clean but yours oh so yours wasn't a clean break this time around it was the soft tissue but there was scar tissue left over from that previous ankle break so it was just like can this ankle just chill yeah just fucking chill out and let me walk around dude i went on a date with someone and we were rounding the corner to get to the restaurant. And I don't even know how I did it, but I rolled my good ankle and was like, no. And he was like, what just happened? I was like, my ankle.

I almost fell down. He was like, this response is honestly a lot. Are you OK? I said, I think I'm OK. and then I was like hobbling he's like you don't look okay and I think I was just being a little bit more dramatic than I needed to be but it was so scary I was like I only have one good one left I get it I understand dude I don't want like please right ankle just stay strong for the rest of my life like the left ankle is gonna just have injuries every year oh mine's the opposite yeah yeah we need to put our combine ours together then

i okay with roller skating i know that you're not supposed to just like be stepping forward but i cannot understand shifting the weight and then so i get it going and then while i'm going i don't know how to do that and i don't know how to go into turns you're probably uh you're probably just pointing your feet out pigeon wise a little too much oh but but that's what i'm saying scrap those quads baby get some blades man blade life get them blades you're not the only person who's like blades are a little easier to learn on than quads it's easier to learn on uh and i feel they they look better it just looks like more fluid they do look cool and i saw this lady god where was i i don't remember where i And I saw this lady. God, where was I? I don't remember where I was.

But this lady was just zooming on the sidewalk in her rollerblades. And I was like, dude. She looks so cool. She's blading. Yeah. See? There you go. There's your inspiration.

It's a sign. It is a sign. And I did see some purple ones. Well, there you go. I was about to say, I'll send you some links to some, but you already got it. So, Shannon, I have to say congratulations. Thank you. You've recently been betrothed. Is that what marriage means or is that engaged?

You got married. I did. Well, technically, we're getting married in 24 hours. But we had a like at the courthouse, like, but we had a little hang, you know, due to COVID. All the places. Well, one, due to 2020 shutting down. Yeah. All of the weddings from 2020 and the natural weddings of 2021. Yes.

Everything is booked up in L.A. or any Southern California. It's just like so expensive. Then you have to take all these precautions. Then you all, you will have to pay as much, if not more to have half the amount of guests. You know what I mean? Like it was just like driving us insane.

And I'm like, you know what? Let's just like, not even siblings, like his sister and brother-in-law didn't come. My siblings didn't come just the four parents and us. And we had a weekend in Malibu. It was fun.

That's nice. And then, yeah, my friend Clay. You know Clay Larson, right? He came and took photos. My dad loved him so much. And he made the photos look great. And I was like, this is like the perfect person to be around parents. You know what I mean?

You looked beautiful. The dress was so own makeup i did my own hair and i did my own nails because i was like i don't need anyone to do this for me come on i'm not paying it you know what actually we're in the wrong industry the wedding industry like i bet we could both set up a website right now to just write people's vows and make six figures a year. Wait, you can get someone to write your vows? The amount of things that just Googling, like, you know, wedding prep, there are so many add-ons to your perfect day. Because the rest of the world, that's like their one day, you know? Male or female, same sex whatever it

doesn't matter like that's their day you know and boy they be paying for it wow yeah so it's like you pay for the venue you pay for the food you pay for flowers you pay for like extra lighting uh something to be converted to a dance floor the silver silverware, the chairs, the table, the napkins. Do you want a foliage and flowers on each day? Like it was it's insane. Were you going to do it yourself or did you enlist a wedding planner at all? I was going to do it myself up until the day because I was going to I was going to have someone on the day where I could just turn my cell phone off. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's great so that that was kind of necessary but so many places were like you have to have two security guards and then you have to use our uh catering and you have to have this liquor license type

person come and all this stuff and it was just like yeah my friend I actually wanted to steal basically exactly my friend's wedding he had it at this place downtown that's like one of those warehouses that have been converted like for event spaces and stuff and then had the koji food truck in the parking lot and the ceremony was like 15 minutes and like and i was like oh i could skip the dj and just make a spotify playlist like i'm resourceful i'm good you know what i mean yeah i honestly yes just hit a playlist and have a nice time. Yeah. Have a dance circle.

We will, though. We're going to have an actual ceremony on our second anniversary. Oh, that's sweet. October 1st, 2023. I love that. So, okay. How did you get... Wait, how long have you guys been together?

It will be five years in December. Okay. And you guys knew each other before you became a relationship no we didn't oh and it's funny that we never met because we have so many friends in common and situations that we were both in and i'm like wait you were there too oh weird yeah i truly thought that you guys had known each other for, like, a long time. Oh, no, you'll like this. I slid into those DMs.

You did? So what happened was my friend Zora does a, like, rap show at UCB, and he had posted a photo in the green room. And I was like, oh, who's that? UCB and he had posted a photo in the green room and I was like oh who's that and then I you know just one degree away clicked on his Instagram I was like oh he's cute oh he has a cute corgi on okay well at the time I was definitely looking I was like on uh Bumble and all these things and I was trying to go on dates um and I was and I was going on dates like one or two dates within like everybody's so flaky and it's like I'm like hey man I'm I'm just like honest and upfront I'm just like yeah you're either gonna hang out or not like I'm not here

to play games it's not I'm actually don't have anything to hide from you like you know what I mean like you can you can date me and get to know me on a real level or later yeah what was your opening message oh my god I still have it too it was it was something along the lines of like oh but what happened first before that is I was like oh if I asked Zora about this guy he is going to tell him because guys are dumb and they don't get that you have you have to like be a little coy so I saw that Allison Rich was following him too and I texted Alice I was like do you know this guy and she was like I don't really know him that well and but uh I know he's really nice and I was like am I gonna like ask everybody about am I gonna like wait till we're like at a party together am I just gonna like make a message and send it to him so I was actually in

Austin for Thanksgiving that year and my friend I was showing her his photo and stuff and we concocted a message and it was like I'm sorry if this comes off as internet stalkery but I saw you in my friend's photo and I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee when I'm back in town like later this week and then we did and then we just hung out every day since then. Boy, oh boy. I love that story specifically because people are like, he's got to come to you and you have to be like aloof and don't be the first one to message. I've never been that way. It worked for you.

But kudos to him, too, because he always says that he's like, I looked at it. I didn't think she was too crazy. He looked at my Instagram and he was like, I guess I'll meet her. Okay. This is weird. All right. Oh, actually, this is really deep, but Instagram filters your message if you're not following each other. So I actually messaged him because for two days he didn't answer it.

And I was like, damn it, he doesn't fucking see it. And so I actually messaged him on Snapchat. Oh, okay. You were really trying to get there. If I already, I mean, we really wrote it out is what I'm saying. Like we spent one night really writing it out in my notes. And then I sent it and I was like, I did it great.

And then I was like, wait a minute, he's not going to see it. And he hasn't seen it for 48 hours or more. Oh, then he saw the Snapchat one right away. And then we messaged me his number. Like,

so I love it. Keep it going. Truly. Chase your dreams. Chase your ass. Go for the gold. Chase your dreams. You can do it. real quick we gotta take a little bit of a break and we're back so the first date did you like did you know that you were like i think i'm gonna love this person and

i think i want to be with them no because i you know how dating in la is it's a little it's a little wonky um and it was almost like there were i could sense that so many people like that so many people like they i don't know being like a little self-deprecating or like coy or like yeah just like self-sabotagey so that the other person's like no you're cool no like i don't need that validation so like when i was just talking i'm just like no yeah, yeah, this is me. You know what I mean? And I feel like the first date was the first hour of the first date was like sort of me just kind of being like convincing, like, no, you're chill. Everything's chill. You know what I mean? There's nerves and everything. But the whole date was we went to stories and got coffee, then walked around Echo Park Lake before it was all gated off.

And then we went to Origami Records and looked at records. And then we went to Bright Spot and had pancakes. And that was it. And then I went to go babysit for some friends that night. It was cute. That's a sweet first date and then did he text immediately to be like i would like another one or did you have to reach out again no he did like to his credit he really was like no i like her i'm he was the same way of like i'm just gonna

you know then our second day was which was probably like the next week, we took the train to Chinatown and went to a couple of galleries down there and just ate and walked around down there. And after that one, I came over to his house and like when I was leaving, just for like an hour, just to hang out. And when I was leaving, he did try to swoop down to kiss me. he did try to swoop down to kiss me with any then like you could see the like split second where he just put his arm around me and gave me a hug like as my uber was waiting and then but then when I got home you know 20 minutes later or so he was like I had a lovely time with you and I loved it can't wait to do it again or something like so it was very like I don't want to play a game yeah I don't want to play a game all right great let's not play again you know but still trying to figure it all out yeah to me it sounds like you guys like immediately were like we like each other but

also let's like take it slow and be reasonable yeah which i think is a thing that me personally and i think a lot of other people don't do they're like i like this person i'm all in you're my everything fast and furious so we gotta fucking love each other and it's like i think we all could just take a step back and chill yeah i i will say it probably depends on the personality too because there i feel like i was exerting the same amount of energy for people who were like I should probably just not text her for five days just for no reason you know what I mean like that's what I mean by like games and stuff like that like I'm a grown-ass woman like I don't have time for like I just talk to me like a normal person you're not gonna get judged either way actually like if you're not

into it be like you know what I'm too busy right now i don't know if we click like i don't know if i have time for this fantastic dude yeah don't waste my fucking time um that's great like all right yeah i think more people could benefit from hearing that that it's like if you don't have the time you tell that person if you don't like it's like one thing to be like i am busy but i can make time for you that's nice but if you choose to not make time for that person let them know so they're not just sitting by their phone waiting for you to text or like waiting for like a dm or something that like they just acknowledge that you're a person because that sucks yeah i and don't like be like yeah i'll hang out and

then like not take like just just be cold turkey either way i don't know i fucking agree i yeah i've been dating a bunch during the pandemic or not during the pandemic like after being vaccinated and i've had a couple dates where i was like this fine, but I don't want to invest my time in this. So I was like, honestly, I had a really nice time, but I don't really I don't really see this going anywhere. So, like, best of luck. And nobody has been like, how dare you? Everyone's been like, oh, same to you. OK, bye. I wonder if I mean, fortunately, hopefully I've had my last first date ever. I mean, fortunately, hopefully I've had my last first date ever.

But I wonder if people experiencing, I mean, the pandemic was very humbling for a lot of people that, you know, lost their jobs or like maybe had to move out of the place that they were living. And moving is already stressful. So like moving under the circumstances of like, oh, I can't afford my rent or the city that I live in or like or just being in your place, able to afford everything and like being alone, being like, oh, I can't just like go sleep with or be with it, get attention from any rando right now like this. I have to actually be with myself and be, you know, and maybe hopefully people did a little bit of soul searching or i don't know so yeah i mean i did a lot of soul searching where i was like i know what i want and it's a relationship uh also i want someone to be nice to me so if there's like any indication when i'm on a date with someone where i'm like they're kind of like rude to the server rude to the bartender or don't tip well i'm like i i think those traits are gonna carry on to this whatever this is so i'm gonna say goodbye before you know you hurt my feelings

right i mean fucking tip well it blows my mind in 2021 on tip fucking well i don't care if it's a cup of coffee tip at least 20 percent let's do it let's just fucking do it if a motherfucker is walking over to you and uh it's got the visor on and the glasses and like a in that k95 mask and gloves and everything everything tip them well oh my god so who proposed to whom oh my goodness this is so funny because you know we we were really strict with pandemic of like oh yeah we moved into a two-bedroom together two weeks before pandemic so we were both i had been living in my apartment for almost 10 years like uh in los feliz and he lived not even five minutes away in his own apartment and so like we were like oh our spaces yay nice beautiful and then we found this place and which is an awesome place and we moved in and then like two weeks later

it was like oh we can't go anywhere okay uh but then after about a month like we were really strict with like getting uh groceries delivered getting you know what i mean like really staying put about a month in i was we were just kind of like wait i'm not sick of you i'm not sick of you either oh that's great i was like teaching them how to play dominoes and shit like it was actually very very cute it was cute that i gotta say that first month of pandemic i was like finishing books i hadn't read in a while like damn i've just had i have moved this book from three different locations and i've never finished it i'm gonna finish it right now. Yeah, it was nice. But so we got the first vax. Well, actually, before we got the first vax,

we weren't even going to parks or we were barely going on walks and stuff. And then he would randomly ask me if I wanted to go to the beach. He's like, do you just want to go to the beach today? And I'm like, the beach? Why? I don't think he's a public beach bathroom going to go to the beach today and i'm like the beach why i'm gonna use a public beach bathroom i'm gonna get on the santa monica bathroom it's all wet i'm like come on and like literally he says over two and a half months he was like trying to hit at going to the

beach and it was easter and he was like we should just go to the beach today i was like on easter there's gonna be a million people out there. I'm not going on Easter. I was like, I got to stop somewhere to use the bathroom from Los Feliz to Santa Monica. Anyway, it's too far away. I was like, why does he want to go to the beach so bad? I don't understand. And he's like, well, let's just go for a walk. And I was like, all right.

And I was like hungover, no bra on, hat. And we're just like walking around the neighborhood. And he seemed really nervous or something was going on. And I was like, did you talk to your mom this morning or something? Did she upset you? Like, why are you acting this way? I thought he was just being, like, weird because he, like, had a weird conversation with his parents or something. weird because he like had a weird conversation with his parents or something and uh then he had a whole little spiel and he got down on one knee like a couple doors down from us and then gave me

a ring yeah it was nice that's so sweet and i really genuinely truly love that he was like please just go to the beach with me and you were like no i can't go to the beach i won't go i was like you don't even want to walk inside vons why do you want to go to the beach like what is going on that something's not adding i didn't it never occurred to me though oh really no i had no idea did you cry i definitely we both were like hugging each other, crying. And there was a woman walking like this little furry dog. And she's like in her pajamas, just like staring at us like they're crying. Is she okay? Like what's happening?

It was really funny. She's like, ma'am, are you safe? Did he hurt you? You're like, no, he loves me. That's so sweet. Did he like tell your family he was going to do it? We then Faceimed all our family and like i had him facetime my dad and like yeah it was really cute everybody was so happy

yeah that's so sweet so from your first date to like when was it serious when did you decide that you were a couple and was it a conversation that you had he said he called me his girlfriend to someone and maybe like a month and a half in he was like that's okay right and i was like yeah and that was kind of it and it has always been a very just one date to the next incremental nothing like too crazy i'd say even with getting married like it just like all was like oh yeah this is the right time oh yeah this is right this is this is happening like in in a flow in alignment so yeah i think i can learn from that and just be like a little more chill because i was dating this dude right before the. And it had only been maybe a month and a half, maybe two months.

But we weren't hanging out enough to warrant me being like, excuse me, can you stop dating other people? And he was like, no. And I was like, oh, okay, I'm devastated. But then I was like, oh my God, Nicole, it's truly, you're fine. This was just a person and you went on a couple dates with them and you're fine you have to just allow things to happen well i will say i don't think that's you needing to chill you're trying to figure out you know where their heads at and where are they on the same wavelength you are at the same

timeline or whatever i don't think that's needing to chill at all but i will something that just came to my mind when you said i feel like i need to chill what do you think um when you when you do get into a situation where it's like okay we've gone on like four dates or we've like been together for a little bit like that next step is it sort of selfish of like they better tell me or else or is it a mutual of like I want them to know where I feel I'm at and if they can meet me halfway we can work on it from there you know I would say in the past it was like I just need to be reassured that you actually like me and that this might lead to something now i think i'm like i'm curious to

know i just want to know where your head is at like and if you are seeing like a lot of other people just like are you safe with them uh just so it's like if you're safe with them you're safe with me like you know everything's you know kosher or whatever um but yeah i think a lot of it in the past was just like feeling like i needed to lock something down so i could finally have a boyfriend but the older i get the more i'm like it'll happen when it fucking happens I'm just curious to know where your head is right and I don't think the answer is either just completely ignore it and not work at it at all and let it come to you because I was actively dating people and I was like yes no no no yes no yeah you know what I mean and like someone I dated for like three months before Ross and I was like yes no no no yes no yeah you know what I mean and like someone I dated

for like three months before Ross because I was like dating like one or two dates in between then was it was one of those things like he'll he'll be because he was like just giving enough attention but like was so obnoxious probably one of the most obnoxious people I've ever met like all right but I think I just gave him the benefit of the doubt too much. And then like literally one day I just 180 and I was like, peace. And it was the best. But yeah, and then you open yourself up for what actually is meant to be instead of trying to work on something that's like,

I keep like butting up into this like brick wall or something like that you know yeah I before the pandemic in the past I found myself a lot of the times dating people who were like rather obnoxious and just would like compete with me on the funny stuff and so that is a blessing that i mean that is truly a blessing that he's very supportive of things i do and it does not feel like competition because you guys own shit and i got my own shit yeah you both do comedy so it just it really just doesn't come up like as a competitive thing no one, he's so much funnier than me. Well, he's fantastic at improv. And I mostly just my improv has to be written down and into a script form and maybe filmed and then edited again and color corrected. I more so like sketch stuff. But we just have different, like slightly different tastes and slightly different things that we get offered or get.

Yeah, there's no there's no competition. How we haven't been just a non-threatening mixed race couple on TV yet. I don't know. My mom sent us a screenshot of this Jiffy commercial that was a black one with braids and a white guy with glasses and we that was literally what we looked like like a few months ago i took my braids out recently but i was just like bitch doll look and they were singing and like we both can rap wait a minute wait a minute those were your tethers Others. Do you do your own braids or no? I learned during pandemic. It's hard.

Yeah. Now I've gotten it down pretty well, but it does take a long time and almost as long to take them down. But I just got a keratin treatment before the wedding because I wanted my natural hair out. What is a keratin treatment? I've never done this. because I wanted my natural hair out. What is a keratin treatment? I've never done this.

Ooh, it'll make your hair very soft and it'll make your curls more full. What are you, a 4C hair texture? Very, very kinky curly? Yeah, 4C. 4C. That's kind of like when you get out of the shower and it's kind of hard to run a company. You'll be able to blow dry it in like 15 minutes you'll be able to like run a flat iron through it not have to use as much heat and it's

not a it's a protein and it's not a chemical process like like a perm a relaxer is so you don't have a relaxer i don't and then it'll and then it'll just start to wear off in about five months. And then your hair will kind of revert back to that. But like, I will braid this too, eventually. But I'll leave it out for right now. But it does, it makes maintaining it so much easier. But like, I also, I'm often in the weave. I'm in the little, the bob with the bangs, especially when I was acting, because I did not want people putting heat on my hair. Yeah. It's a struggle. Yes, it is. Oh, my God. I'm so lucky that on the show I'm on currently, the hair girl, she's a woman, Kimora, I love her. She has taken care of my hair so much.

And so, like, she's just like, Nicoleicole we gotta get some oils up in here why is it so dry and i'd be like it's dry because i don't know how to do it so she'll send me home with different things to be like try this try that and then it's like grown so so i shaved it in april and it was taking a very long time to start growing but now i've got maybe like an inch of growth and it's like thicker and it's healthier so god bless kimora i adore her kathleen is the awesome she's another hair lady at the at my job and i fucking love her too very blessed to work with two black women who know what the fuck they're doing with my hair lucky lucky i mean finding uh someone to do my hair when i moved to la was tough but i've been

with this guy his name's chateau i think you met him yes he's done my hair a couple times he's fucking great he's so fantastic i love him but moving from austin texas to la it's so much drier here and my hair was so like brittle and break. And I was just like, what is going on? And he really helped me get it back healthy. I was going to suggest another thing I do every day is drink collagen in my coffee or tea. There's a brand that I like. It used to only be available online, but now Trader Joe's sells them.

I'll send you them. But that also has helped my hair and my nails be really full and strong and grow really fast uh but yeah so like collagen and stuff and then when i say i like want to just do a full wash to flat iron this i'll wash condition then put on a clear shower cap yes i have a hood dryer. Sit under that for like 10 to 15 minutes because that really gets the conditioner deep into the hair follicle.

And then just rinse it out and you can blow dry it or you can air dry it, whatever you want to do. But it does make the hair just like a lot more moisturized. And in California, you kind of need that because the climate's so dry. That's what Kimora said. She was like, get you a hood dryer.

And I was like, me? I couldn't possibly. Where would I store it? But I did buy a Sibian. Do you know what that is? What is that? It's a vibrator, but it's like a saddle. Oh, my gosh.

And it's wild. Maybe that will also help your hair. You're getting some stimulation. Your pores are opening. Your blood flow. I figured out a way to store it. So I'm like, I could store a hood dryer. I make up these things where I'm like, I don't know where I'd possibly put it.

But I'm like, but I bought this dumb thing. Well, it folds down. Oh, it does? The one I have folds down. Yeah, it folds down to the hood. It's about like this tall. Oh, okay. That's not that bad.

No, I got the first one at Sally's, and then I tried to buy that exact same one. I think I found it on Amazon. Oh, baby. I fucking love Sally's. Yeah. You just get some bullshit while I'm in there. I get some lashes, get some nail polish, get whatever. I love to say I did these today.

I love doing my own nails. Oh, those are cute. Thanks. Polish doesn't dry on me. So I go and I get my little acrylics done. They're little nubbins right now. I got them too short. And she was like, are you sure?

And I was like, yeah, they're like the length I had. She's like, they're not. And I was like, are you sure? And she's like, no. And I was like, but I like it. And then she finished and I was like, she was right. These look dumb. So I got to wait for them to grow out a little bit. They I was like, but I like it. And then she finished and I was like, she was right. These look dumb. So I got to wait for them to grow out a little bit.

They don't look dumb. They look fine. Wait, are you guys going to go on a honeymoon? Eventually, yes. We'd like to go to Italy. I love Italy. I want to go to the coast of France. I want to go to the countryside.

That sounds romantic and beautiful. I like europe i went to rome did not have a bad meal i'm usually lactose intolerant here in the united states of america but i ate so much cheese and was absolutely fine each and every time also the pasta is not really as heavy as it is here yeah i want to eat Pray Love my way through. Oh, Shannon, you're going to fucking love it. I can't wait. Real quick, we have to take another break. Okay, do you have any advice for me as a single woman in the midst of a pandemic on like what I should do to get somebody?

I mean, I'd say you're on the right track. I think you have your intentions straight. Like your intention. You're like, no, I don't want just like a fuck buddy where you hit me up every now and then. I don't want like some kind of flighty person I want a relationship where we both respect each other and we're both you know like each other and the d is good and everything's good you know you cook for me and hit me up or whatever and it's not like playing games so I think continuing to stay with those intentions you'll just weed out.

You'll start to like notice red flags and people earlier because you're like, oh, old Nicole would have tolerated this and put up with this. But new Nicole won't tolerate this and put up with it. So I'm just going to move on. Yeah, I think that's honestly like rather solid to just remember that, like, I tolerated some bullshit in the now that we're in the present i'm not tolerating that and someone's attention and affection is not as important as how they make me feel exactly and not to be selfish when you're like tell me what do you want tell me what's going on it's about the how they feel too because if they feel like well she only wants me to be arm candy or something they might feel that way and i don't know i mean i know that's not your true intention but yeah that's what i'm saying keep your intention

pure and you'll be able to find it i was um hanging out with this guy and i was like oh do you want to like pick me up after this party and hang out and he's like i'm not your uber and i was like what he's like i don't want to but that sounds like what well it was like, oh, do you want to pick me up after this party and hang out? And he was like, I'm not your Uber. And I was like, what? He's like, I don't want to. Oh, but that sounds like, what? Well, it was like, I don't want to just. He's like, I'm not waiting around for you to go to a party. I'm not waiting and then picking you up. He's like, I have a life, too.

And I'm going to probably go out. And I was like, oh, oh, yes. I have to remember that you are a person with a life. I have to remember that you are a person with a life. I came across this Tinder profile that I want to read to you because I found it so wild, but also very upfront. 27 and Capricorn. Bipolar, so I'm fucking crazy. Just trying to fuck.

I don't do relationships or quote unquote dating. Laughing my ass off. Like, what's that looking for a fine doctor chick to hook it up with all his hands or a record exec girl to hook it up with a record deal not stable or conservative in any way everyone says i look 10 years younger than i am you'll get older i'll stay young forever you'll fall in love with a dude in this world I'll still be on my spiritual journey with my god we're not meant to and I was like huh we're not meant to what that's it it ends he got he reached the uh the limit of how many characters he could have in it he probably typed more didn't realize it I was full and i was like going through his pictures

and i was like yes you do look unwell or not unwell but like a little you know what's funny about that is like i wonder if how many people hit him up like oh i'm gonna be able to keep up i'm gonna keep up with this energy and then they're like oh, he's probably ruined so many lives. But also, there are people like, I can be the one to change him. I can be the one to make him settle down. And that's probably so much more attractive than a person who is settled and like, yep, I'm just a cool, normal dude, normal job, normal car, number, whatever. You know what I mean like because it's like oh this person's gonna be exciting they've already told me that they consider themselves crazy uh and they've already told me that they're looking for xanax and a record deal so like i know

where their passion lies it lies in being extra chill and some good music. Well, and also a very clear intention. Yes. His intentions are crystal clear. They might not align with everybody and they might not be healthy. They might not be productive. But you know what? To each his own.

To each their own. Yep, it's there. So this other man I found, he says, oh, I have two more to read oh i have a lot okay this nice person said please have full body pics don't be ashamed of your size and that one i was like okay something must have happened to this man where maybe more than once where he was like you were not what i thought you were gonna look like also i'm okay with it i just want to manage my expectations right that made me laugh very hard um this old man he's 52 i guess he's not that old but pretty old for me 52 he's got a bunch of veins in his legs and i shouldn't judge him but he's in a gym and he's holding a bunch of veins in his legs, and I shouldn't judge him. But he's in a gym, and he's holding a very lightweight, and he says,

looking for a casual relationship with a younger and confident woman who enjoys the company of a mature male. And I was like, wait a minute. Do you want to be a sugar daddy? I mean, you don't need it, but you could float that path and see. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't mind it, but you could float that path and see. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't mind being a sugar baby. Just quit. It would be wild to be like, so I guess I'm just going to like save my own money and spend his.

Yeah. Well, I mean, keep working. Then you keep your money and all the money you get from him. Flip it in the stocks. Flip it in crypto. NFT, baby. What is an NFT? Don't ask me. I don't what is an nft don't ask me i don't know i mean i know but i don't know i i i did i know a little i know just enough about blockchain and crypto and then i follow a couple people who do a lot of stocks uh trading and stuff which i

actually like upped my investments a ton this year from reading a lot of their information. And I'm like, oh, okay. I could be investing more aggressively. It is. I do mutual funds, which is like bonded stocks. So you don't make as much. You could probably throw it into an index fund. And it'll make you fun.

Or like an EFT for like dividends or something like that it'll make you just just a little bit more money it is so wild that they don't teach that in school like i get that you have to learn life things but i'm like this is like aggressively trying to keep people out of making money absolutely and uh my sister texts me not too long ago asking if I knew my degree is in computer science and math. So she asked me to was asked me to help my nephew his junior year of high school. I even I forgot what even the formula I'm like, what is this? I am someone who was immersed in mathematics and like, you know, had to take a really high level math. I don't even know what that is.

You're not going to use that. No, unless you're going to become a scientist or a mathematician, which I don't even know if that's a job. But even then, pretty much everything's programmable. You know what I mean? Like if you're going to need the same number over and over again, or equate something like human computation is not happening. Like an AI or something is working on that, you know? Yeah.

I mean, we're going to be overrun by machines soon enough and they're, they're going to kill us. Ex Machiato, whatever that, that movie, Ex Machiato. No,

Ex Machina. Ex Machina. Oh my God. I think Ex Machiato? Whatever that movie, Ex Machiato? No. Ex Machina. Ex Machina. Oh, my God. I think Ex Machina. I'm very wrong twice. Ex Machiato is like the Starbucks dark thrower that we might need to create. That is so funny. And I've said it before on this podcast, and people have tweeted it at me.

They're like, here's the correct. I really thought it was Ex Machina. It's Ex Machina? Yeah. What does Machina mean? C-H is... I think machine. Ah.

The C-H is a K. Oh, I see. Maybe I'll just call it Ex Macarena. I heard that that movie came out a year or so before it came out in the U.S. It was A24's first movie that they released in the United States and then it just like exploded. It's a good movie. Damal Gleeson.

It's really good. Ooh, baby. He is just for me. Is he single? I don't know. Wifed up? I don't know. Okay, friends,

if you're listening right, if you are listening right fucking now. Find out if Damal Gleeson is single and then do your thing. Bother him and tell him this black lady loves him. I mean, even if you guys just where's he from? Sweden, New Zealand. I don't know where he's from. Overseas.

Somewhere overseas. If you were like, take me to the equivalent of like your favorite meal in your home country in la like that you guys could just have a nice conversation imagine yeah okay whoever knows domo glison please hook me up with him also i think i'm saying his name right but who fucking knows i'm gonna go on a double date and ross take the pressure off i love that would create more pressure because i'd be like what if we don't get along what if he's an idiot no no but i would go on a double date i love this i want to read one more uh please tinder profile because this one made me laugh i don't want your pussy i want your business come support this shop and then has the instagram of the shop and said we outside

it's like a bar i'm not mad at you right get your paper baby get it like that's hilarious that's like they made a tinder profile for wait was it ex machina that they made a tinder profile for the robot wait did i think i think that i think it was ex machina and like people would swipe and they would like tell you either the show times or like something like that. I thought it was Ex Machina. Oh, as like, as like advertising. Yeah. Oh, I see.

They might have done that. I thought you meant in the movie. And I was like, Shannon, I don't think you've seen it. No, she goes on Tinder. You don't know Nicole. Just kidding. She goes on Tinder. She orders a macchiato.

And then she's like, I don't want it. And just kidding she goes on tinder she orders a macchiato and then she's like i don't want it and they're like x macchiato oh all right well that's funny we've come to the end oh do you have anything you want to promote i think i forgot to do that in the last episode that i've recorded whatever do you have anything you want to promote um i have random things coming out all the time i don't know when this is coming out but you can keep up with me on my instagram at shannon joy rogers and rogers is with the d r-o-d-g-e r-s and uh yeah you can see her lovely wedding dress i love that you wore sneakers with it i was like oh yeah girl she's staying true to herself and i love it yeah yeah i love it i i it was really fun to have all that come together

and within two weeks what like we call we call the parents like two weeks ago and we're like holy shit we're gonna just elope right now and do a ceremony later because trying to plan this is driving us nuts oh my god so then they just like flew out did they stay in a hotel or they stay with you they did they stayed at the line and then we stayed at the line too oh okay that's so sweet i really love that uh i just love that it all came together in a way that like made you happy and you look so you looked so happy in those pictures oh thank you it was truly a bless even that amount of just getting the parents here was kind of stressful you know what i mean i'm like yeah oh my god i'm so glad i'm not having like a hundred people coming up talking in my face or like talking to my parents i'm just like i

let's just do this when things are a little bit less crazy yeah i feel like everything right now even though things have like kind of opened up i'm in the camp of like things are still slightly rather stressful, like mundane things like going to a bar to me is a little stressful until I'm there and I feel OK. And there's enough open space. But there's some people who are like at music festivals having the times of their lives. And I'm like, boy, oh, boy, I wish I could get there, but not yet. No, I mean, it is so not worth it to just have an intimate conversation in a bar with like an acquaintance right now. You know what I mean? Like, it is just not worth it. Like, yeah, I the regardless of like all of the really negative side effects of COVID, but like just getting sick normally.

I don't know. I don't want a just getting sick normally. I don't know. I don't want a sinus infection right now. I don't even want like a little bit of a cold or anything. But the main thing I don't want, knock on wood, is to lose my sense of taste and smell. If I did, because just because I had some stupid fucking conversation over like beers

at Jay's bar or something, I would go on a murdering spree. I don't know what I, I would go on a murdering spree. Yeah. I don't know what I... I love food so much. That would be devastating to me. Absolutely. Oh, just the thought of it's very haunting

because I hadn't really thought about it. But yeah, it's like, what if I never got to taste ice cream again? I keep seeing people being like, yeah, imagine it lasting for 11 months, like me. Like, I'm like, no, sorry. It's too weird. I don't fucking like that.

A friend, a friend of mine, it happened to him, but he said that he could still tell that things were spicy or that things were sweet, but couldn't taste them. And I was like, how on the taste buds is that working i don't know maybe the sensation of like spiciness maybe i have a friend who also lost taste and smell i think mostly so he has a bunch of candles that he sniffs every morning to see if he's gonna come back should sniff uh probably coffee grinds too oh. Oh, I'll tell them. Neutralizes your nose. That's why they have coffee grinds at, like, perfume stands. Because you smell a new perfume, then you sniff that, and you smell a new perfume.

So it kind of cleanses your palate. Interesting. I've never done that. I've just sprayed a hundred different things. I've been like, don't know which one I like. What's your go-to perfume? Right now, so my old go-to was Christian Dior Michele. Now it's Victor and Rolf,

or Rolf. And I don't know the name of it. Flower Bomb? No, it comes in a bow. It's the other one. It's not the Flower Bomb. It's not Flower Bomb, but the bottle is a literal bow.

I know which one. I just bought it on Sephoraora because i was like this looks dumb and i bought it and i was like wait this is this is my scent but their scents are very like they're just enough you know what i mean it's not like too overpowering i have a roller uh of um dolce gabbana por fin And that's like my favorite. It's very warm. It's very spicy. And I like that. Ooh, that I like. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

Shannon, we've come to the end. Oh, wait. Would you date me? So I made you a song. Oh! This is well worth the wait because I have been meaning to have you on for so fucking long. Well, I... Yeah, I'm here.

Here I am. This is it. This is great. Okay. So I'm going to play it for you. I've already coordinated with Marissa on how it's going to get into the podcast. I told her don't tell you, but we, I did just make it like very quickly, not too long ago. So here's my answer to if I would date you.

Would I date you? Well, that's the motherfucking question. Would my presence be a present on a day you were stressing? Or when you're feeling depressing, would dating me make it less? Would the thought of us together feel like it was truly a blessing? Or is it truly a treat? I'll cook you food you can eat. With my gumbo pot for your heart and make it truly complete. So let's wear matching outfits hypothetically.

And would I date you, Nicole? Most definitely. Oh, shit. I fucking love you. That was... It was witty. It was great. Also, I really loved when we were matching outfits.

Yeah, we good. Oh, my God. I fucking adore you congrats on getting married i'm just thank you truly and your your new job well i guess it's not new anymore you've been there for a minute oh i can't i'm not there anymore but that's okay just kidding but i have uh some other things in the works that are just very early. Then that makes me happy. And congrats on that. We shall see. Yeah.

Keep up on the Instagram. You'll see. Okay. Well, Shannon, truly a fucking joy. I love it. Thanks. You love this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it.

You can rate it. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it so this person said hey nicole how do you feel about three ways well i have a wonderful three-way idea for you picture this you me and mateo lane already out he's one of my dear friends we start things off hot and steamy by tying you down to a chair and putting a blindfold on you then we proceed to ignore you for the rest of the time and it's basically asmr of mateo and i getting it on afterwards we untie you and i'll give you a crisp high five and a pat on the back why do you have to be tied up why can't you just

i don't know watch that you could be you could you could be blindfolded but you should be able to you know asmr but also like pleasure yourself i don't know leave the situation maybe it's the they want to trap me so i have to listen to my friend have sex and honestly been there done that it's not fun all right well bye bye that's it for why won't you Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.