Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Getting an STI from Grindr (w/ Matt Rogers)

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

"If it got leaked - everyone would know that I'm really good at sucking dick." Matt Rogers (Las Culturistas podcast) discuss their experiences with Scientology, what it's like being too "intimidating" to date, and shares how he got his first STI from Grindr. Matt also details his last messy relationship, whether he considers himself to be a top or bottom, and his love for sending nudes. Interested in watching Nicole's sex tape? Just ask her after a live show! Send Matt your ass pics at @mattrogerstho. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why Ooh, baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, I love to another episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though if you asked me, I would use your cum as mouthwash every day. Minty fresh!

I'm also a little sick. I was sick in the other episode. I'm just sick. Okay, the person you heard TV hearing. He hosts Las Culturistas. He also is the co-host of What the Taco? RuPaul's Drag Race Recap Podcast. The only one in America.

Matt Rogers. Hi. I am also getting over an illness. I mean, L.A. is sick. L.A.? It's something in the air. Is it the smog? It's probably the smog mixed with the rain we've been having.

I think this is so. My God! I did go on a hike today to clear my mind and my chest. Did you go by yourself? No, I went with several friends who all say hello, by the way. Oh, who are the friends? Greta Teitelman, Blair Saki, and the man of Greta's life, Abe Schwartz. I don't know Abe.

But he says hello anyway, and he's a lovely man. You'd love him. He's so hot. The hottest. Greta just posted a picture of him, and I was like, oh, Greta. And you can see him at Gertie Bird and at Abe Schwartz. Watch your back, bitch. Yeah, for sure.

I'm going to hop all over. No, I'm kidding. I would never do that to a friend. Watch your back, bitch. Yeah, for sure. I'm gonna hop all over. No, I'm kidding. I would never do that to a friend. I threaten to kill her for her life every day. She lives in a cute house. She's got a cute fiance. You came over and saw it. It is no lie.

It is such a fucking cute house. I was like, I need to get my affairs in order. Well, you got fountains that need fixing. I just had them removed today. Okay, and? And it is wild how much damage they have done. Oh, no. Water is not a good idea.

No, water features are a pain in the arse. No, why would you, like, a pool is a headache enough. Right. Why would you put fountains anywhere? Because you think they're going to look nice, I think. And they did look nice, and I was very happy to have them, but then they just collect water, and it's been raining so much. And also water, the thing about water is it can become dirty water.

Yes, and then you get mosquitoes. Oh, honey. Yes. They love to hang. And then they want to feast on my fat little body. Let me tell you, I lived on Long Island, and there was mosquitoes all about, and they were like, well, they like you because you're sweet. And I was like, okay, do I have to be a dick then? Do I start being rude so these fuckers stop biting me?

Get out of here. There's nothing more annoying. Noah shouldn't have had them on the ark. And think about it. They must have been there, honey. You just saw me break. I was like, well, what? How did Noah wrangle mosquitoes?

He had the power of God. I guess he had a net. And then he hung them in the ark. And they just buzzed around. Or it was faith. Yes. It was faith. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. Did you go to church growing up? I did. You didn't go to a black church, did you? I did not. Although I wish I was. And guess what my mom said the other day? She goes, so my grandmother just passed away.

I was down. I'm sorry. That's okay. I was in New York at her funeral. And they had another funeral in Florida where she lives, so all her old friends could come. So they had the funeral, but it wasn't a mass. And my dad said to my mom, I really feel the need to go to a mass. And the only mass that was going on was this, like, Latino mass. And they spoke not one word of English.

But my mom goes to me, but it was so fun. They whipped out a guitar. Everyone was singing and enjoying themselves. I'm like, yeah, because white people are bad. Like, we're so boring. So funny. Like, the first time I went to a white church service, I was like, whoa, this is heavy.

Like, even the robes the priest was wearing were, like, just heavy, and everyone was somber. And the way everyone sang along to stuff, I was like, where is the fucking joy? Oh, no one can sing. That's, like, a rule of the church is that no one should be able to sing or carry a tune at all. It's like everyone's got the most wooden, flat, and also sharp at the same time voice. Everyone's a mess.

No one looks good. The priest is always saying horrible shit. Yes, and that was another thing. People were in jeans, and I was like, I could never wear jeans to a church service. Nuh-uh. Are you kidding? Growing up, I had like an Easter hat. Yeah.

Oh, really? Did you wear a hat? I wore Easter hats. Me and my sister wore matching Easter outfits. You better believe there were shoulder pads involved. I look like a little mini businesswoman going to church. Amazing. I was like, I'm going to serve my God and also file some taxes.

And also serve him fashion. So you were a churchgoer? Yes. I went to church. Oh, my God. Like every Sunday from birth to about 16, went to vacation Bible school in the summer. Had to go to Sunday school every Sunday. I made the mistake of joining the choir.

And my mother, when I was like, oh, I'm done. She was like, no, you're not. I'm going to sing for God. And my sister wasn of joining the choir. And my mother, when I was like, oh, I'm done. She was like, no, you're not. I'm going to sing for God. And my sister wasn't in the choir. And I don't know why I had to continue. Someone had to be there. The buyers had to be represented. I guess so.

And then when I got baptized, I remember that vividly. I was a little fat child. And that fucking pastor had some issues dipping me. Oh, come on. He dipped me twice because he was like. We got to get this whole baby wet. I was like, you know how you pick up a brick and you're like, oh shit, that's heavier than I thought. I was his brick.

He like dipped me. It was like. My God. I'm constantly so nervous that those babies are going under that water too long. I was like, where's the rule book on how to do this? There is no rule book. They truly just vaguely plug your nose and dip you back. I don't need it.

I didn't need it. And then you're wet, and then you have to change, and then everyone's like, good job. And I'm like, for what? Yeah. Did you get like, so you had like a confirmation, right? No. Oh, I was Roman Catholic.

Oh, I'm, or I was, I was raised Baptist. Baptist. I guess Southern Baptist. Oh, I'm, or I was, I was raised Baptist. Baptist. I guess Southern Baptist. We did a confirmation. And this is weird. I think my parents were like, let's just get them confirmed in case God is real. And then later we won't go to church ever again. So I got confirmed.

And what they make you do is they make you choose a confirmation name. Yes. So you pick one of the saints and that's like part of your name. So my name is Matthew Richard Rogers but also my real name is allegedly Matthew Richard Christopher Rogers because I chose also the boredest whitest name.

Christopher is very boring. For fear that I would spice it up too much and they'd be like that's a gay kid. Picking a spicy name. I almost chose Blaze. Wait Blaze is a saint? A honey. Yeah. Allegedly. Wait, Blaze is a saint? Oh, honey. Yeah, allegedly. Really?

Yeah, it was either going to be Christopher or Blaze, which is like a Pocahontas situation. Shall I choose the smoothest course or marry Cocoam? Nonsense. Should have married Cocoam. Well, I feel I did marry Cocoam in choosing Christopher. And then I guess the rocky path would have been to be Blaze. Blaze is fun.

What is Blaze the saint of? I mean. Coolness. I guess like being chill. Ha. Being fucking sick. I'm Saint Blaze. And I'm like the patron saint of being.

I don't know how you say it. Sick. I'm fucking chill. Like I smoke weed. That's so weird to have like a confirmation where they're like we give you an extra name yeah religion is such a strange thing

yeah I would even go as far as to say bad I also like was driving we had lunch today across from the Scientology building on Franklin

yes on Franklin were you at Bird's Poobel or Franklin and Company no wait I was at it was the big the other Scientology center that looks like a ride in Walt Disney World. Oh.

Not the Celebrity Center. Oh, okay. This is like. In Los Feliz? I know. Maybe. I don't know. There's one that's like a big, like, bluish purplish building with the words Scientology in big letters.

By the Vista. By the Vista. So I was having lunch across the street from that, and I'm like, my God, this screams we have something to hide. Every window is shut. Why? Why? That's not normal.

It's not normal. And I fell into Scientology for a hot second. You did not. I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast, but I was walking through. So if I did, I'm sorry. My normal producer, Marissa, is not here for me to be like, Marissa, did I talk about this? And Clementine, she don't fucking know. But I want to know about it on the podcast, but I was walking through. So if I did, I'm sorry. My normal producer, Marissa, is not here for me to be like, Marissa, did I talk about this? And Clementine, she don't fucking know.

But I want to know about it now. So I was walking in Times Square with my old roommate, Jen Jen, and this very blonde, happy woman goes, do you like to smile? And I was like, huh, I fucking love smiling. And she's like, follow me. And Jen Jen was like, we're not following her. And I was like, but I already am. Come on. But I love to smile. So we go to the Scientology Center, and she was like, follow me. And Jen Jen was like, we're not following her. And I was like, but I already am. Come on.

But I love to smile. So we go to the Scientology Center and she was like, Nikki, this is Scientology. We can't do this. And I was like, but we can. So then we watched this video. The whole consensus of the video is what happens in your past affects your future. I had been to maybe two therapy sessions, and I was like, breakthrough. I'm in.

This is God. This is, how did I never realize this? Yes, the answer in front of me. So then they split us up. We took an aptitude test, an IQ test, and a problem-solving test. And then after that, you wait alone in a room, and then a man comes in, and he goes, well, he said to me, so your IQ is slightly above average. And I was like, ding, ding.

Thank you. I got distracted. And then he goes, you're not very good at problem solving. And I would be worried that you would kill yourself if you weren't so lazy. But Scientology can help. And I was like, what?

You think I want to kill myself? But I'm too lazy to do that? That doesn't track for me. It was pretty rude. And I was like, and that was at a time where I was happy, happier. And so then I was like, well, I don't really have money for the classes because they tell you how much the classes are. And I was like, I can't afford that. And I was holding a Duane Reade bag.

I think Duane Reade's are gone. Are they? No, they're not. They're all over. But they're now owned by Walgreens. It's like Duane Reade by Walgreens. Duane Reade by Wal I think Duane Reade's are gone. Are they? No, they're not. They're all over. But they're now owned by Walgreens. It's like Duane Reade by Walgreens. Duane Reade by Walgreens, but they are all over.

They're like squirrels in New York. Perfect. You can't throw a rock without hitting one. I miss Duane Reade. Mm-hmm. Anywho, so I was holding a Duane Reade bag,

DR, and he goes, well, where'd you get the money to buy that stuff from Duane Reade? And I was like, Oh, fuck you. Yeah,

which is like a very good trick and i was like oh i used my dad's credit card because at the time i had my daddy's credit card but then i left it in a cab and then he cut me off oh great story yeah and uh i was like my dad and he was like well have your dad just buy you the dianetics book and i was like okay well i'd have to call him first and he's like call your dad oh wait i was like okay so i opened my flip phone ding ding ding ding ding call my dad my sister's home from college. I was like, okay. So I opened my flip phone. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Call my dad. My sister's home from college.

And he was like, what do you want? And I was like, I want to buy a Scientology book. And he's like, what kind of book? And I was like, Dianetics or like this one book called Problems with Work. And he's like, well, you need a better job. Buy it. What is it? Scientology?

And then I hear my sister in the background going, no. And then we hung up. I bought the book and it was impossible to read. Yeah. I have to tell you, I also did this. Did you? But as a joke. So I knew what it was all about.

And my friend Lizzie and I, we were best friends at the time. And we went into the Scientology building. Like we gave fake names and we saw the video that you're describing and I remember it well it was kind of like you don't understand how fucked up you are because it's buried in your mind so you need us to help unearth

this shit because not even you know how fucked up you are and I was like even though I was there fully as like a full joke and this is when you can kind of still joke about it. Yes. Now it's like fully a known cult that hurts people. Yeah.

But at the time I was like, yeah, right. Where is Shelly? We need to, it's crazy that a grown ass woman is missing and we're all like, yeah, it's fine.

Where's that Malaysian plane? Yeah. Oh, hello. That's a full ass plane. Did they never find out where that Malaysian plane was? Oh. And we're all just taking planes like That's a full ass plane. Did they never find out where that Malaysian plane was? Oh. And we're all just taking planes like it's nothing.

Constantly. Whenever I fly over like an ocean, I'm like, this could be it. No, yeah. We could just like go down or fucking disappear. Is it psychotic that I won't? I don't love flying. I've been to Europe once, but the whole time I was like, because we're over water, it's different.

We could die. And so when I'm flying over land, I'm like, there's no way. There's no way this is going down. I, on planes, always, there's always, I like wake up from a nap and I go, what if we all stop believing? Will this plane go down? Honestly, it's belief that's putting it up in the air. And I've had people explain it to me and I'm like, I think it's magic.

It doesn't make sense. Also, whenever you're about to take off and they're like oh we're having an issue with the engine. I'm like okay then we should get off. We should fucking get the fuck off. And they're always like oh it'll take us 15 minutes to fix this problem with the engine. I'm like no no no. That's when I become Whoopi Goldberg. You know

famously Whoopi. She don't fly. Nope. She takes buses everywhere. Yep. And that's when I become a full whoopie and I'm like, okay, well then this doesn't make sense. Let's not fucking do this. Despite it being safer, literally, to fly than it is to drive. Isn't that crazy that it's safer to fly than drive?

I was on a plane where we had emergency land because the plane was leaking fuel. Oh no. The flight attendants were freaking out. They were like hustling and everyone's like, but I'm not done with my wine. And I was like, you don't see these women freaking out who fly for a fucking living. And I was like, we might fucking die. And then we landed and they were like, get off the plane.

Do not take any belongings. And I was like, this is fucking serious. There was like EMTs and fire trucks there. It was like this whole thing and i was like we're not getting back on this plane are you kidding so i like pulled my shit out of the overhead they were like get off the plane i was like well i'm getting off and i'm not getting back on so then they were trying to act like they were going to put us back on the plane i was talking to the customer service lady and i said i don't want to get on an unsafe plane she goes we

would never put you on an unsafe plane i was like like, you just had me on one. You just did. And she went, touche. And I said, bitch, you can't say touche. She went touche. You can't say touche. Put me on a different plane.

No, last night, I was on a plane last night. I actually landed quite early this morning and they said over the loudspeaker, hi everyone,

if there's a doctor or nurse on the plane, we do need you in the back. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. See, what's going on? Yes. You can't just say something like that. Like, say what's up. Because that could be one of those airborne illnesses type

shit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. There's a man in the back who's got boils and it's spreading. No. And you know what it was? What? Some idiot put an earbud too far in their ear. They had so, they needed to watch whatever bullshit

they were watching on the plane so bad, Joy with Jennifer Lawrence, that they lodged this earbud in their ear and a nurse had to come back and help it get out. That's very funny. I couldn't fathom forcing something into my ear like that. Oh my God. But earbuds are problematic. They are

problematic, but like, if it's not going, don't force it in your fucking ear. What are you doing? Or also just like, know your own ears. You're an adult. You need to get those these ones like I'm wearing right now. Yes, the noise cancelling

Beats by Dre. Yes. Or I have bows because I got them for free. There you go. Free bows. And I also have some beats. One stays in my car for the gym here and one is my travel ones. Oh my.

You better believe those beats are too tight on my head and give me a headache. I can't figure out how to make them. I need to not have them in my ear because I have little weird ear holes. Oh, do you? My feet are too tight on my head and give me a headache. I can't figure out how to make them looser. I need to not have them in my ear because I have little weird ear holes. Oh, do you? I do. And shit is constantly falling out. They don't just stay in.

You know those little AirPods that they have? Oh, yeah. I can't have the AirPods. Are you fucking kidding me? Also, you look stupid as fuck. So dumb. I don't like them. I'm not here for them.

I was on a plane once and this lady was like having an emergency and she like needed to be close to the bathroom so they asked someone in first class to switch seats with her and then that's it. She seemed fine. I was like I think you just got a free upgrade and displaced somebody. Yeah, probably. And I was like

homegirl's on to something. All you have to do is make a stink. They will give you what you want. I mean, also, you know what's the biggest hack? Is whenever they say, hey, if anyone wants to push their flight to later, we'll give you a fucking million dollars or whatever it is. That is crazy. And I always say yes. Do you?

And then they let you pick. It's not even like, and you'll get a flight that's equal to the value of this one. It's like, no, you can pick a $500 flight, a $400 flight, or a $300 flight. Oh. It's one of the biggest like upgrades you can get if you're willing to wait. I've only done it once and I said, how much money will you give me? And they told me a number and I said, I'll wait. Did it work?

Yes. There you go. I got like $1,000. Yeah. On like a fucking American Express gift card. And I was like, that is acceptable. Yeah. Everywhere, baby.

A hundred percent. It's American Express. I was so excited. So we've talked for a full 17 minutes not about dating. And it's a dating pier, Kearse. I need to talk about it. But also like I don't have any good dating stories because I've been taking a break

because I got my feelings hurt. No, somebody did that to you? Yeah, but it's okay. I'm working through it. Somebody hurt me, but I'm just constant. I'm, like, taking that and I'm actually going full bore. I'm, like, I wasn't fucking at all in 2018. In 2019, I'm happy to report that I'm fucking.

That's great. Okay, so 2019, I haven't said it out loud, but I keep saying 2020 is going to be my year and I'm going to be in a relationship in 2020. So I think the universe has been like, so 2019 is going to be dry, bitch. No. Because I have had no luck on the apps.

Because I was taking a break and then I jumped back in, made a sex date with a person who I know him. We matched on Bumble. And he was like, hey, Nicole. And I was like, hey, you. And he's like, is it weird that we know each other? And I was like, no, it's better. What's your phone number?

Let's go out. He's like, this is moving very fast. And I was like, exactly. Let's do this. From comedies, did you know him? Yes. And then he was like, well, I'm actually dating someone right now. And it's not exclusive.

So, like, I don't know what you're looking for. And I was like, oh, I'm not looking to hang out with other straight dudes. No. That's not fun for most women. So, like, if you're down to fuck, I'll fuck you because I know exactly what this is. Yes. And my feelings can't get hurt because you're with homegirl.

And he was like, okay, let's do it. So then we made a sex appointment and then I got my period that day. No. And I was like, cool universe.

I see what's up. You're cock blocking me. So then I texted him. I was like, I got my period. I'll see you in seven fucking days. There is an alarm in my fucking phone.

I'm texting you. So then he beat me to the punch and texted me. He's like, actually, things got more serious with homegirl. So like, I don't think I'm in a place to fuck right now. And I was like, all right, well, if homegirl fades away, hit me up. I'll fuck you till you die. I'll fade back in. Yeah.

So then I was like, OK, universe, you really you're fucking it up for me. Yeah, I don't know. For me, I was very depressed last year and kind of not feeling myself, looking in the mirror and being like, it's not going to happen. And now I'm kind of back in a way. And here's where I'm at. I'm dating one very nice guy. Yes.

And I'm also fucking a fuck boy. Yes, Carl. So it's like. Get your emotions met and then get your dick sucked raw it's again the pocahontas narrative shall i choose the smoothest corset mario kokoam or go on this rocky journey that will lead to war oh i fucking love it i feel like that's best case scenario but also for me right, I do want to be in a relationship. Me too. For a long time, I didn't know.

But now I'm like, I want to. I've said this before, I know. I'm just looking for someone to spend the next chunk of time with. Yes. I don't want a forever person because I don't believe in that. Right. I believe that you have several great loves. A hundred percent.

And some of those great loves aren't great per se, but they taught you something. Yes. I mean, I've had one relationship. How many relationships have you been in? Zero. Zero. None. Not one.

I've had one. And before that, it was like a zero thing. I think just because like, well, I'm gay. And like, I don't know. Are you? You. Ooh. Wh I wish that was the gay calling like when you walk into Mickey's you have to go the dog in the room just like perked up and he's like I know right but I was in a relationship for like two and a half years. Wow, that's a long time.

It was a long time. And also, like, leaving that relationship, the most painful thing I've ever been through. Like, I actually compare it to like the pain of like this summer where I like came out of the closet and started to tell people. Like, it was just like such a hard thing. It feels like you're grieving. It feels like mourning a death. Well, that's what my therapist said. She was like, you're allowed to grieve relationships

no matter how long they were. Yes. Because it is like a death because you're not going to speak to that person truly unless you stay friends, which I don't know if that's super healthy to stay friends with someone that you love. Yeah, we are friends.

Oh, are you? Is it good? It's good, but let me tell you the tea. Okay. So we were together for two and a half years. We stayed living together for six months after that. Oh my God. Because that's New York.

Yeah. Like I did not have the time or patience to be finding a new apartment. It's my least favorite thing in the world. You got to get that first and last and security. Yep, 100%. It's not easy favorite thing in the world. You gotta get that first and last and security. Yep. 100%. It's not easy to come with the money. Very. And so we were living together and suffice to say

he had an interaction with someone that I knew from my past. Like a good friend of mine that I went to college with actually was my roommate in college. Okay. So I was like, hey, I'm not comfortable with this. This is weird. I moved out of the apartment. Eventually come to find out about three,

three to six months later. I don't remember the exact timeline, but we had not been platonic. Me and my ex still calling each other. Our nickname still saying, I love you still like making out, hooking up, et cetera. I find out that they're like dating my ex boyfriend of two and a half years

was dating my fucking college roommate. Who was one of my best friends in college. Oh. So they moved in, have since moved in together, have become serious in the way that we were. And it was really painful. Yeah.

But also like, I don't know. I really feel like I got to the other side with it because it's like, now I'm kind of like, you know what? The whole time our relationship didn't work out because we couldn't make each other happy now he's happy so i can

figure out how to be happy too i'm not gonna like hate them because they figured out something that makes them both happy you know what i mean i say it to people and they're like oh that sucks he broke a code your boyfriend's like you know that's like abusive etc etc's like, you know, that's like abusive, et cetera, et cetera. I'm like, you know what? It's not abusive. It's just like not. Was it ultimately one of the most thoughtful thing in the world? No.

But they've like sort of fell in love with each other. Sort of. They are. And you can't help who you love. And I think that's a very zen, mature way to handle it. That took a while. They're happy and you can be happy too. Yeah, all my friends are like,

you know, it's like, I think they think the thing I want to hear is like, you know, fuck them. But I'm like, guys, no. If I can forgive them, y'all can forgive them. Yes, you can forgive them too. I think that's what friends do in any relationship.

You're the best, fuck them. They're the worst. And it's like, well, no. They them they're the worst and it's like well no they're actually not the worst they're actually like a really great person and I'm trying to be not petty about this right because I am trying to be not the bigger person but just like trying to find peace about something and there's also like like for example you saying like you want a boyfriend I said this too and I think like when you do get in a relationship, you will learn a few things. Chiefly, it is so hard to give time.

You know, especially when you do what we do. Yeah. And also when you are the center of your own world for good reason. It's just the sacrifices are big. for good reason, it's just, the sacrifices are big. And also,

the sort of comparison between you and your partner, even if they're not doing what you do, it's real. And there's just so many small little micro things about relationships that you're like,

whoa, yeah. And that makes me feel like anyone that's still in their first relationship, I think that's crazy. I also think it's crazy to be like, I'm with my high

school sweetheart we've only been with each other we know nothing else yeah but then like honestly more power to you if you made it work this long and you're actually happy yeah yeah I was dating a dude who was not a comedian and I would be like how's your day and I would tell him about my day and he'd be like well not as interesting as yours and I was like oh let's not do that well that makes me feel shitty to tell you anything yeah and i'm i asked so i'm interested even if you like literally sat and stared at a tv tell me what you watched and tell me what you laughed at yeah you know tell me when you went to the kitchen and made a sandwich i like you yeah so like anything you do is interesting to me and they make you feel bad

for being busy dynamic yeah you know what it's I think it's actually like and it's weird to say the thing of like intimidating people because that's I think I think a lot of people who are like stage performers or people who are artists like I don't know if you find this but I get sometimes slapped with this thing of like well you don't know this but you're very intimidating and it's like that's not really my problem no you know what i mean like whenever you ask someone to diminish themselves in any way that's actually an issue with you i agree yeah because then it's also like then you don't need to be with a person who's a performer or a bigger personality if you need them to be less than yeah

then that's like you need to go find somebody who's less than. What do you think would be the number one most important thing for you in a relationship? I think now that I haven't been thirsty and searching on the apps and I've had time to think and I've talked about it so much in therapy, I think it's someone who's really secure with who they are.

Yeah. Someone who likes stupid things, doing dumb things, who's like down for an adventure, who's like funny but doesn't have to be the funniest person in the room. Right. Who can like do a bit but doesn't have to have the last word in a bit to be like, I ended the funny. And then like attractive to me, which doesn't mean attractive to anybody else.

Yeah. I totally, with the sense of humor thing, it's like they don't have to be funny, but they have to get it. Yes. Like if I say something weird, like you can't just look at me and be like,

ew, that was weird. Like I dated one person who would do that a lot. She'd be like, oh, okay. That was okay. and I'm like oh you you hate my sense of humor like you okay um that is not there's nothing worse than that yeah and I had her on the podcast and we talked about why our relationship didn't work and she felt like I would put things before her or like forget about our dates that we had set up and that I was disrespecting her time and I was like I'm also juggling a lot of things

yeah and and I don't want to like I guess it's making an excuse but it's like also explaining that like I'm juggling a lot of things I have ADD and I apologize if I couldn't you know give you a hundred percent because I can't I can't give any one person a hundred percent yeah that was an argument that we had the day we decided to end our relationship he was like oh man he was like you know I wake up in the morning and I think about like I do your there our relationship is like number one on my list and I think about, like, our relationship is, like, number one on my list. And I kind of was like, I don't know if I'm in the place where that could be true. And I said, I think I think about my career first. And if that means I think about myself first, then I guess I still have some room to go.

And I remember, like, he's a wonderful guy. In fact, like, one of the hard things about breaking up with him was he's so objectively a wonderful person in our community. He's, like, just known as this wonderful, wonderful guy. But he said to me, and this, like, really hurt me at the time. He was like, well, I think you're going to be really lonely. And I was like, and I remember that, like, really, like, broke me in half because I, I really believed that it was true. I was like,

you know what? He might have a point. Like if I'm going to be doing this and going to be actively trying to pursue a comedy career, a writing career, an acting career, et cetera. Um,

I might be lonely. You hear that all the time. It's like a tell us all the time. It's like the tell-all time. It's like the narrative. Yeah, it's like Liz Lemon's whole deal on 30 Rock, can you have a career and have it all? Right.

And I feel like in her case it was no. I think. It ended up being like kind of? Oh, yeah, kind of. Yeah. But then Tina Fey is married to a man that she works with and has kids and she does have it all yeah so it is possible and it feels crazy so like in i ended a relationship with somebody and or yeah i guess it was a relationship but uh i like kept reaching out because i was like i don't want it to end i know

and then i was like telling my therapist about it and she was like well what did you say and i was like well i said to him if you want me to stop reaching out just like let me know and he was like no i don't and then i was like i don't get that and she was like well i don't know maybe it just didn't work out for you know whatever reasons but like i think you keep reaching out because you have a narrative that men don't like you and men relationships with them don't work and you're trying to have him fulfill that narrative by being like leave me alone i never liked you and that's just not true it just your relationship just didn't work out yeah and i was like mary yeah and she's said it before she knows but there wasn't like an action that i had done to like make her have that as a response it's just

been something we've talked about and And I was like, holy shit. I'm literally asking this man, should I just like leave you alone? Because I wanted him to hurt my feelings. So then I could go, there it is, baby. You want to be right. Yeah. And it's like we ended pretty amicable-y.

Did I say that word right? Amicable-y. Amicable-y. So, and there was like no hard feelings. It just like sucks and my feelings were hurt. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing about date. Like, you do, you get excited about going out with someone, right? And then you go out with them once, it's fun.

You go with them twice. And even on the second or third date, that's when it becomes pretty clear. Like, is this going to be a thing for a few weeks or a few months or is it going to end right now? And oftentimes you feel differently than the other person. So someone's feelings are getting hurt when you are dating. Someone's feelings are getting hurt and that's flat out. Yeah. Eventually someone's hurting. And it's like in, inside my head now, especially after the breakdown of a relationship I put a lot of emotional energy into, I'm of two minds about it. It's like, A, do I want to opt into being hurt because it will happen? But then B, why not?

Because you do grow as a result of that. Yeah. And therefore, I do think you do B. Because I will say this. I am a better person than I was. Like I'm a more sensitive person. I'm a better listener. I think I know myself like sexually better.

Because that's another big thing. Like I had never had. Wait, before we go on, we have to take a break. Oh, and find out what I'm gonna say about sex and we're back with a cliffhanger what did you learn about the sex well here's what i think like especially like in the lgbt community it's like you're so anxious about finally being able to have sex like i don't know i kind of was coming at age of it. I came out when I was 19. So I had never had steady sex with anyone ever until I was in a relationship when I was 25, 26. And I got so panicked about the fact

that I didn't quote unquote know myself sexually that it was only then that I said to my boyfriend, I think we should be open. I think I need to get on Grindr and like have more sex and he was like I don't want to do this but like because you do I'll make that sacrifice and so we made that sack he made that sacrifice and I was on there and then Grindr was like kooky a nightmare a nightmare and the the thing that happened to me was like the first four experiences were like really good.

And I'm like Grindr is a wonderful place. And then like I had one weird thing where it was like the guy – and this is fine. If this is your kink, this is your kink. But he wanted me to go into the room and he was blindfolded in a jockstrap with his hands tied behind his back. And he wanted me to like go up and he wanted to like suck my dick. And then like the blindfold came off it got a little weird and I was like see I don't know if I can keep putting myself in situations where it's like this sexually vulnerable and then lo and behold I did get my first STI so it was like okay thank you for using the rebranded name for them they're no longer STDs trying to get away from the stigma that it's a disease.

Right. It's an STI. Which one did you have? I got syphilis. Yes, baby. The syphilis. The syph. And that's the only one I've had.

And she was a monster. She gave you the sore from hell. And then did you close the relationship back after that? We did. After that, I was like, okay, like, okay, this is not worth it. But then you just kind of find out, like, oh, we weren't sexually happy in the first place. So that's a major reason why this shouldn't continue. But I feel like, you know, as a result of that relationship, I finally was like, okay, well, that's going to be an important part of my next one.

You know, sex can't be last on the list. No, I think sex is pretty important. That's why you're with them. Unless you're like an asexual person with another asexual person where you don't need sex and you just want companionship. But like, I'm a pretty sexual person. I like sex. I know what I like.

I know what I want. I've also, I've only slept with like one person consistently. Same. Actually two people consistently. And with the second also, I've only slept with like one person consistently. Same. Actually two people consistently. And with the second one, I slept with him on our first date. Because, you know, I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again. And I was like, let me get mine. And I was very open, told him exactly what I wanted.

Yeah. I was like, fist me. Oh my gosh. And I was like, choke me and fist me on our first fucking date wow and he did it it was great and then uh on our second date I like got a little shy because I was like oh you were so like open and like you're gonna see him again and you like actually might like him but at that point I didn't know and then the third and fourth date i was like oh he was like let's do other positions and i was like other ones you mean something for you i don't understand

other than doggy style because like i had never really the person i slept with consistently was on and off for three years so like i had my one position doggy style i love it yeah and then i just never thought of doing anything else because i was like this works and i never have repeat customers so like i never learned how to do anything else and then i was talking to there was one time where he was like lift your legs up and i was like where where are they supposed to go fighting with him and he was like never mind turn over i was like okay and i was telling xo share about it she was like yeah you lift your legs up in missionary and i was like what really she's like was so like, so sure about it. She was like, yeah, you lift your legs up in missionary.

And I was like, what, really? She's like, have you never watched a porn? I was like, oh, I just thought it was what they did. She was like, what they did? Sex is sex, Nicole. And I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense. It's wild though. I remember I didn't have full out sex for such a long time.

And then I started doing it and I was like I'm doing it it's like when you see yourself ride a bike from the outside wow I'm fucking and then you're just like it's a good feeling but it's also not what you think it's going to be especially when you watch porn and you're like oh it should be like that

I just learned for the first time that squirting for women is not an orgasm isn't it? well I don't know because first time that squirting for women is not an orgasm. Isn't it? Well, I don't know, because my girlfriends that I was just with, they're like, squirting is mostly just like a buildup of fluid, and it's mostly urine, actually. And it's not really an orgasm. But from when I watch porn, the way these women act when they squirt, it's as if it's the greatest pleasure known to man.

Well, porn is a lie to us all. And that fucks us up. Uh-huh. Big time. I have squirted a couple of times. And it's always coming? But it was when, yeah. Oh, did it feel unbelievable? Or maybe it happened and then I came? I don't really remember the...

I'm very jealous of female orgasms. The circle of events. I cannot remember. Yeah. But it's only happened like a couple of times where I'm like really having the time of my life. And are you, is it a freaking like unbelievable experience? No, I didn't realize it happened. Oh. You just like kind of get up and you're like, oh, I'm so sorry.

I've left your sheets a mess. Soiled. I've left a bit of me with you. Have you done anal yes do you like it I don't love it but also it's a journey for me too

I so you top well I would like to here's the thing okay I've called myself a top for the last several years

but the thing is I think I'm just like scared of bottoming but I recently bottomed with a guy who was so fucking he was such a good top i was like oh never mind i just need to be with someone who knows what the fuck they're doing and

now i think i might be like either verse or like maybe even fully a bottom actually which is breaking news of my life right now it's on the front's on the front page of the paper. That's my life. I'm a bottom. I'm very much a power bottom. I love that. I want you to ride me like a horse. There you go. That's what I want. I just want.

Yeah, honestly, the point I've been watching lately, I'm like, oh, I think I really deeply want someone to fuck the shit out of me. Like, I'm really into like like, daddy porn right now. Like, I love, like, an older guy just like, I love, like, a piano teacher narrative. Like, I came over to. Those chords were good. Pull your cock out. Like, I don't know. I'm really into, like, this older guy stuff.

And this guy that I fucked is a little bit older than me and knows what the fuck he's doing. And I was just having the time of my life. And I was like, I told him afterwards, I was like, I think you're like the fourth guy I've let fuck me in my life. And he was like, that's hot. That's hot. And I was like. Get back to piano. It was.

Now back to the piano. Don't ray me, bitch. I love it. I very, I've actually, I don't know if I've ever done it. I never masturbate to porn. I will watch porn, remember it in my brain, and use it. But usually I use sexual encounters in my brain and like remember those. Right.

But last night I was like, I'm going to masturbate to some porn. Yep, had to go. And then I came before they came and I was like. I hate that. Well, I was like, I'm going to masturbate to some porn. Yep, had to go. And then I came before they came and I was like. I hate that. Well, I was like, well, now what? Do I just finish watching this? I know because then you watch it and you're like, oh, God. Yeah.

Sex is gross and it's weird that we do it. Yeah, sex is kind of weird. Oh, it's disgusting. It's so. Okay. I made a video with a partner and i love that and i was like watching it and i was like oh this is like pretty hot until i queefed and i was like oh no i farted during sex the last time too how do you keep fucking me after my pussy queefed but that's

when you realize they don't care no they don't fucking care and just means he was fucking pounding the shit out of me right it's a little bit of air got in there yeah exactly like i i was fingering on like a little a little like air came out so there was a fart noise yeah and i was like oh is that my fault and i'm like no you know what he's not bothered by it no i'm not gonna be bothered by it because at the end of the day who fucking cares who? Who cares? I had a realization once. I have a love-hate relationship with my breasts. I don't love them. They're not a great shape.

They don't look like perfect titties. They're not what you want them to be? Yes. They're not what I see. Like, as a fat lady, like, most fat women have, like, fucking huge honkers. And I have very minimal honkers. I see. And I was like, I don't really like showing my boobies, but like I've never had sex with someone where they looked at my boobs and went, yuck, yuck.

I hate these titties. They don't care. If someone's into you, they're into you. They like your body. It's great. Yes. And that's something I've had to like really tell myself is it's like whenever a guy has like approached me and i've been in a bad like um self-image state i'm just like oh but i'll take my clothes off and like they won't they'll they'll be like forget this um but then like this year

kind of i've turned a corner on that and been like no actually like if someone's saying that they're attracted to you they want to fuck you yes and they'll enjoy yes it until you get weird like cause also I think we forget that like even though we wear clothes

like you kinda know what someone will look like naked sort of yeah and most people like you know you've seen a human body

you've seen many of them yeah like I've very rarely does someone take off their clothes and I'm like what is

that excuse me what what were you hiding under all this you have ten arms does someone take off their clothes and I'm like, what is that? Excuse me? What were you hiding under all this? You have 10 arms. You'll be fine. Although I did sleep with this one guy where I don't know what I was expecting, but I was not expecting his dick

to be as big as it was. Oh, that's always a reveal. And he flopped it out and I went, oh boy. Yep. I laughed at them when they're too big.

I hooked up with a celeb once. Did you? Who? Are we gonna do the honk honk? Honk honk! Yes! Okay. But he had a juicy one. Did he? And I was like okay. What a dream to know

because I've met him a couple times. Hot as fuck. And he is so sexy. Honestly, Nicole, I ended up ghosting him because I was so out of my mind with panic when he said he wanted to see me in a comedy show. I just thought I was so unattractive on stage. I was like, I can't. And he was so hot. I had no idea why he was interested in me in the first place.

Matthew Christopher Blaze Rogers. It's one of my biggest regrets. And he was so hot. I had no idea why he was interested in me in the first place. Matthew Christopher Blaze Rogers. It's one of my biggest regrets. I. He was so nice too. Is he dating someone right now? Yes. Ugh. And also he has a type.

White. Like white, like the brows, like kind of thin. Like I was like, okay, you got a type. But, you know, it was one of those things where it was like this was before he was well known at all and he approached me at my restaurant job and I was a server and I was like a lowly server what job what where I worked in the financial district in in uh New York so I worked at this restaurant called Ulysses and just the most beautiful man in the world who I was not surprised to find out was like an actor of some kind or a model.

Like being interested in me. I was like, this is psychotic. I'm like a sketch comedian at the pit at the time. It's so funny that we have these narratives that were like, like beautiful people can't love us. We're fucking clowns. That's what I'm saying. It's like when someone makes an advance, that means something.

They wouldn't just do that. Yeah, I've never hit on someone that I was like, you're ugly. Absolutely not. No, it's like I want to fuck you. That's why I'm hitting on you. Exactly. And also it's like,

now I just take it as like a flattering thing and I'm like, cool. And honestly, I was also 23. How old are you now? I just turned 29 a few days ago. Yeah. And I went to Disneyland for my birthday. Oh, my God.

Are you not a Disney queen? I can't do Disneyland. Now, why? Because it's a little too much outside. There's too many children. There's a lot of kids. You want me to wait an hour to get on a ride that lasts two minutes? See, you're not using

the FastPass correctly, Nicole Byer. I don't have a FastPass. What the fuck is a FastPass? You pay 15 extra dollars and I know you have 15 extra bones lying around. Sure don't.

Got a mortgage. And you just, okay, whatever. We'll talk later about that. I know. But also, it's very interesting because in my stand-up,

my act right now, I have a full 10 minutes on Disney. And last night I was doing it. Oh my God, yes, I saw it. I interesting because in my stand-up, my act right now, I have a full 10 minutes on Disney. And last night I was doing it. Oh my God, yes, I saw it. I was at Blair and Greta's show and you did it. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It went over so much better at that show than it did the last show that I did last night.

We're like six and a half minutes in. I was like, this side is wondering, will she talk about Disney for the full time she's up here? Oh, they should get over themselves. You had such a good bit about it. Thank you think it's very funny it is it's also you so it's iconic for that reason but to be fair i had a back injury from pole dancing which i love for you i also like and i'm sick now i'm a fucking mess. Do you get your sexual energy out during pole dancing? No, sure don't. Is it a sexy zone?

Nope. I mean, for some women, it is sexy. Yeah. I will say this. Some of these women clomp, like, clobber around. Like, in these heels, they're like, and then they climb to the pole and they're like, and it's not sexy at all.

My teacher, very, very, she's beautiful and sexy and like also motivational and like just really sweet. And I love her. Some of these women, I'm like, who girls? But also I'm very much into like the athleticism of it. I see. It must be a good workout. Oh, my whole body hurts every time. I haven't done it in a week.

And I know when I go back I'm gonna just be in so much pain. But the type of pole dancer I want to be is an athletic one. Yes. Where you like have to throw her money because you're like uh I'm impressed. This is incredible. Exactly the feats. Yes and I have very limited time

because my goal is by my birthday August 29th to be able to walk into a strip club, audition, and get a job where I dance one night a week. And then I decided that all the money that I make, I'm going to donate to a charity of my choice, like a women's shelter or something. And that will be my way of volunteering

because I don't want to volunteer with a bunch of weirdos. No, also like you can be working out. Yes, I can get my little workout in. You get so much out of that. You do. And I don't know if you've ever tried pole dancing to a two-minute song, but about 40 seconds in, you're panting and you're like, I don't know if I can go on.

This is very hard. It's so hard. Do you feel really sore afterwards? Super. Like, parts of your body that you didn't even realize could hurt hurt. And I've got bruises all over my legs from it.

But I love it. This is a change of topic but I'm curious about it. Do you send sexy photos? I've been getting really into it lately. Really? I have new time. I was just on my phone before and I was like, oh, oh, no. I was like, if someone were to take my phone and be like, let me see here, they might,

the first thing they'd stumble upon. Well, I do not send sexy photos because I've publicly said what tattoos I have. I see. So if I send like a picture of myself to someone and it gets leaked or whatever, I would be like, yeah, that's definitely me. You'd be fucked. I've talked about it on television. Right. So.

Right. So. But also, I post pictures of my body all the time. Yes. So also I don't care. Yeah. I just don't want someone else to have control over what people see. It scares me, but I think part of that fear is also what makes it hot.

Mmm. And I also told you that I made a sex chase. Yes, I know. Is that under lock and key? It's on my phone, and I can truly just show you. Oh, my God. But I don't know if he still has it. Oh, you both have it.

Yeah. I made him drop box it to me. Is your face in it? No. Okay. Yeah. That's like the cardinal rule. I see.

You need to see that back in my head. But then I have a bunch of videos of me blowing him where you can see my face. Oh no. But I will say this. I'm doing an excellent job. Well, there you go. So like if it got leaked, everyone would know that I'm really great at sucking dicks. Exactly.

So, like, that I don't care about. And also the fact that you're being open about it now is, like, I think takes the edge off were it to hit the net. Honestly, maybe I shouldn't talk about it because can someone get to my cloud? Can people access the cloud? Well, that's how Jennifer Lawrence's shit got leaked. Oh. Okay.

Well, if you're listening to this and you're like, I really want to see it, just come to one of my shows and ask to see it and I'll just show it to you and then it'll be like our private thing and you don't have to like hack my cloud. How about that? Don't hack my cloud. If you want to see my cloud,

just ask. Just ask to see my cloud. Hashtag don't hack my cloud. I don't have any of my face in any of my pictures. But, you know. Do you have any markings that could distinguish you? No, no. I have no tattoos and no nothing. I just have myself.

Yes. So I think that's why I feel safe. There you go. Whenever these guys on Grindr are like fully showing their face and their whole body, I'm like, bitch, you can't just be doing this. You can't trust anyone. But people do it. They will just be running amok, showing their dick with their face in it. Mm-hmm.

Their whole body. It's wild what people will just send to people that they don't really know. But, I mean, I guess if you're I guess if you're not in the public eye, then why not? Who cares? Yeah, I mean, I think it's a lot of accountants. A lot of just accountants bending over, spreading their assholes in the mirror.

Oh, the hole picks are crazy. I love a good hole pick. Do you get sent hole picks? Nobody has sent me a hole pick because straight men just send their dicks yeah of course and don't realize that there's a whole bunch of the body that i want to see yeah also i always tickle a butthole on the first time i sleep with anybody i always play with their butt just to see what the temperature is right where are they and i always ask i'm like

does that feel good and they go no thank you, all right. How much are you fucking? How much am I fucking? Right now, nothing. Nothing. Oh, right, because you're taking a break. It has been a couple months. A couple months. But last year I did pretty good.

Yeah. Last year, at the end of the year, this bitch was cleaning it up. Do you make a list? Oh, I have a whole Word document where I go in detail about the date and the encounter and the dick size. I like rate them. I have like in my notes, I have a whole list. And then I looked at it for 2018 and I was like, oh, that's long. Ah, I love it.

It was more than the months of the year. Yes, bitch. Which I kind of considered it like a dry year. So I was like, okay, never mind. We were being a hoe. This year has been dry. I love being a hoe. I also like hoeing it up. Yeah, I love being a hoe.

But then sometimes I'm also at a point where I'm like, ugh, the first time you have sex with someone is so annoying because people come quickly. It's my favorite, actually. Really? Yeah, because discovering someone's body is like very hot to me and oftentimes I'll have an amazing time the first time and then the second time because I've already been there, it's worse.

I don't know. There's something to me about like no matter who it is, the first time is always like love it. I'm just right now, it's just like a lot of dudes coming too quick i have a friend who's having that problem sometimes they'll like be able to get it back up and fuck me again but for the most part it's like older men who are like that's it oh i went on a date with a guy that i went home with him and he was like we actually can't do anything because i came this morning what i was like you can't what you can't come more than once in a day I don't understand you're in your 20s it is now

the evening maybe he gave up coming more than once for lent I don't think that was it he was like he was like when I jacked off this morning when is lent we should know this it is matt what are you giving up for lent girl what what have i not done that i can say i'm giving up um i'm giving up apparently i'm giving up going to the gym for lent i haven't been to the gym i also haven't been to the gym in so long i need to go i was doing so good earlier in the year why what are you giving up for lent i'm gonna give up uh doing so good earlier in the year why would you giving up for lens i'm gonna give up uh eating cold cheese i also hate cold cheese so like it doesn't matter that doesn't count let's see what can i give up okay i'm gonna give up uh negative thoughts yes and how do you really do that well lately uh it's like mindful. My therapist said anytime you get into like a little dark hole, go, okay, it's all right to feel this way now.

But like think about something positive in your life and then get the fuck out of your house. Do you get jealous? All the time. All the time. But then after I feel the jealousy, I go, great, you felt it. But like, did you audition for it? No. It's mostly about that kind

of stuff no yeah uh was it meant for you you didn't book it so no yeah right so it's uh I feel very zen in my career right now which is like new I think that we actually share like people that we're very close to getting the thing yes and I think that is a moment when you really confront yourself. Yes. I will tell you about that when, like, not on, not on this. Not on cam. And I'll tell you about that not on mic. Okay.

So, Matt, would you date me? I would. I think we would have a really, really fun time. Even though, even though I think ultimately, like, it would not, like, I think we could go a really, really fun time. Even though I think ultimately it would not. I think we could go on a date and maybe even three dates. Yes. And we would leave and we'd be like, this was fun. Yes.

But I can say I'm 100% a Kinsey Six gay. I love men and have never thought about a woman sexually in my life. But I do think you are delightful and a powerhouse and I would date the fuck out of you. Thank you. I would date the fuck out of you. Thank you! I would date you too! You would? I think we would blow out people's eardrums and I think when we would show up to parties, they'd be like,

oh my god, you know, I really like them separately. But when they get together, it really feels like a natural disaster and it feels like the aftermath is Trump throwing paper towels at people. And that's their problem. Yeah, bitch. Clean it up.

That's their problem, I say. Okay. So, if you like this episode... Oh, wait. What do you have to promote? Oh, Las Colcheras is the podcast that I host with Bo and Yang. Yes, on a different network. On a different network. Sorry, HeadGum. I also host What the Tuck, which you frequently guest on and have hosted in the past with

Mono. And also Las Codrillas is on tour and you can buy tour tickets to see us. We're in many different cities. I won't listen to me or I'm too tired. If you like this episode, you can subscribe on Apple. Fuck it. I don't know. Just listen more.

I don't fucking understand podcasts, but if you send me something nasty, I'll read it. So this person DM'd me on the gram and said, I'll sit on your face and start crying about my last relationship, and by the end of it, you'll have my nasty tears and snot all over your body. Wow. Someone

just in my comments on Instagram, Obadiah37, said, can you handle 12 inches of dick? I'll eat you. All that ass. Do you get nudes from your listeners? I get a lot of dick pics. You can send them to me too, at Matt Rogers, though. Perfect.

I don't want them. I do. If you've seen four dicks, you've seen them all. And if you want to hear the rest of that joke, come to a stand-up show. Send me ass pics. I like those. Here's a nice email someone sent to me. I have an email address, baconcansave

at gmail.com if you feel the need to say words to me. Dear Ms. Byer, I'm pretty gay, but given the opportunity, I treat your vagina like a boardwalk carnival cutout. If you promised we could get a snow cone after, I wouldn't be adverse to sticking my face in it. Sticking your face in what? Don't know.

It. Great. Your smile. Thank you so much for being here, Matt Rogers. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

This has been a Team Coco production.