Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Getting Paid for Sex (w/ Meatball and Big Dipper)

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

Buckle up, this episode is a wild one. Nicole is joined by drag queen Meatball and rapper Big Dipper! They discuss how they like to be choked in bed and the times they've gotten paid and have paid for sex. Nicole gets convinced to hire a male hooker for her next birthday. You DON'T want to miss this episode. For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8Epu You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Ooh, baby! This is another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? And I've got two fun guests.

You may have seen them on YouTube. Or maybe listen to their podcast, Unbearable. I got Big Dipper and Meatball. Hi! We are in a club. We are. I love that. Meow, meow, meow! What a dream. thank you so much

for being here thank you for having us okay so I have a question are the two of you single yes this is like

this is gonna become like a book club meeting where we actually just get together all the time and we're like single single

single single I'm also so single, single, single, single, single. I'm also so single. I heard. I think much of America has heard. Most people know this now. I'm so single that like I, my last relationship

was like three years ago and I will often be like, well my ex-boyfriend blah blah blah. And I feel like that's cool for like six months. But like I still am like telling stories about that time I was in a relationship and I was like that's cool for like six months. Yes. But like I still am like telling stories about that time I was in a relationship and I was like, ooh, single. I don't think I've ever been in a real relationship. I was in one for like four years, but it's the same situation. It was like four years ago.

So it doesn't even count now. I also have never been in a real relationship where the man was like, this is my girlfriend and I love her. I've been like, I hooked up with this one guy on and off for years. And I'd be like, one day, one day he'll love me. And then he was like, no, I love her. I've been like, I hooked up with this one guy on and off for years and I'd be like, one day, one day he'll love me. And then he was like, no, I'm crazy. So. Did he whisper that or say that in full voice?

No, he would run red lights and do strange things. He would be at full stop. But he had a great dick. Oh, his dick was incredible. See, people don't get that. That everyone's like, but they're so nuts. And it's like, why? It's like, the dick.

Yes, you get dickmatized. You look at it and you're just like, oh, I can't wait till it's inside me, in my puss, in my mouth. I can't wait. I love it. So are you guys on Tinder or Bumble or Scruff or Grindr or OkCupid or eHarmony.

I'm on Scruff and I'm on an app for bears called Growler. Oh, yes, I forgot about Growler. I'm embarrassed. Growler exists. It's okay. Oh, I can't believe I missed Growler. I mean, how could you? Are you not on Hornet?

Oh, I am on Hornet, but my photo on Hornet is, because I work for Hornet, my photo is me in full drag. So the people that hit me up on that have a very specific type. Oh! Is it... They want a drag queen with a penis. Oh! This is fun. I've never gotten

to talk about this before. Oh, let's get into it, Mama. It is weird. I hooked up one time in a full baby outfit. In a dark alley behind a club. And dark, I mean it was well lit because my friends were walking by. Because it was in WeHo. Because it was in WeHo and all the alleys are well lit.

And my friends walked by and saw it happen. But that guy had a very specific fetish, which was people who are men that dress like women that dress like babies. Wow. So that's a fun one. So that man has an option of three people. That's crazy. And I just want to get into the logistics of this. Meatball is dressed in drag, which means he has foam pads under multiple layers of tights.

Six pairs of tights. I was fully tucked. The baby outfit was a diaper with a shit stain on the back. It has a rhinestone shit stain on the back and the front of it has green baby vomit all over it. And I had like

glitter vomit on my face. Yes. So it was a very specific. In order for this man to get to what he was looking for

He had to dig around. The cookies. The cookies. Oh my God. He had to dig around in my diapie. And I was a naughty little baby. So he dug around untucked you. He had to dig around in my diapy. And I was a naughty little bastard. So he dug around, untucked you.

He untucked me and like just, oh, can I talk? Okay. Yes, let's get into it. The pure smell of someone who's been wearing six layers of dance tights and dancing around in a sweaty club all night. Like it wafted up and I smelled it and I was like, oh, well, he does not mind that at all. No, he likes that. And he began to blow me in his vehicle. Did you talk to him in baby talk?

No. I very much was very adult about it. Because when he pulled up and he was like, hey. And I was like, I'm high. Wait, he pulled up? He like rolled up on you in the air? I'm so sorry. I need to start over.

I was leaving the club. I was done. So you didn't meet on an app. You were leaving the club. This man rolls by. Oh, no start over. I was leaving the club. I was done. So you didn't meet on an app. You were leaving the club. This man rolls by. Oh, no, no. We met on an app. Oh, okay.

Wait, wait, wait. You're mad at telling stories. Yes. I'm so mad at telling stories. Girl, I'm so confused. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Okay.

So I told him that I was going to be filming for Hornet that night at the thing if he wanted to come meet me. On the app you told him. Great. And then, okay. And then he came to the club. And then I was leaving. And I guess I didn't he came to the club. And then I was leaving. And I guess I didn't see him or he didn't know that I was leaving.

Girl, he went and got the car because he was trying to scoop you and take you to daycare. I didn't even think of that. Daycare! I gotta take her to daycare! And he picked up his little baby. Stop. And then he blew his little baby. Too much.

Is that too far? It went a little too far. This is why Congress wants to shut the internet down because of music. You're literally confirming what Republicans think gay people do.

Gay fuck babies! Oh my God. I fucking love that. Have you ever hooked up all dressed up? Because you get glammed up. All the time. I do not fuck out of character.

Wig on tight, extra bobby pins, full makeup. I don't, I can't. I have bad, you guys have seen me twice now without makeup on. Because I feel close to you. No, it's because I woke up very late. Same thing. But yeah, there's just something about someone seeing me makeup-less and then being like,

I can't fuck that, even though I know fully well that a straight man would be like, I don't care, she's here. She's a receptacle. I'll come right in. I don't care. I wish someone would talk about me like that. You clutched your pearls, but you just said you were dressed as a baby, so it untucked you and blew you.

I think for me it's different because that wasn't me. That was Meatball. That's a different person. Oh, fair. That's a character. Fair. That character did that. That was all a story.

Okay, that's how you sleep at night. I love it. The life of a drag. Drag queen detritus. our lives are very similar. I take off my bra constantly and glitter falls out. I've been very into glitter lately. Do you think, though, that it would be, like, really freeing for you to have sex without makeup on? I think I'd have to be with someone for a while.

Because I will put makeup. So if I go all day, I'm, like, at the gym running errands, don't put makeup on, and then have, like, a little booty call, I will put makeup on. Just for the booty call. I will put a wig if i go all day i'm like at the gym running errands don't put makeup on and then have like a little booty call i will put makeup on just i will put a wig on yes yeah it's i don't know why i do it i just can't although my wig did come off once during sex i was just gonna ask you that because you like white boys so i bet they touch your hair accidentally love to touch oh twice now okay so once this guy I won't say his name, we were having sex and he was hitting him from behind and then I felt his hand in my hair before I was like, no!

He pulled it and I was like, my hair! And he goes, Nicole, you were not your hair because we were friends. And I was like, this is not the time to have a moment with me while you're inside of me, okay? But also, regardless of if it's a wig or not yes ask before you pull hair oh do you have to ask yes i think so i think so too though i will say like i like getting

slapped in the face i feel like that you need to ask about but i'll like i'll like lean into it because it's really hard to like be naked with someone and be like so um don't start it like that at a certain moment when you're feeling like it's right just just smack this shit so like like i'll lean in and i'll be like uh because i do a lot of to talk about the apps like the thing i i listen to your podcast all the time and i hear this like constant you have all this conversation with like straight people who are using these apps to dates and it's so much like we chat and then like if the chat is something then maybe we meet in person and then it's who pays and what happens and blah blah blah and it's like on the gay apps

yeah there are people dating but mostly it's like what are you looking to do sexually and then link up and i think you talked with Mateo about this on the podcast. But so when I'm just right in for the kill, like, Hey, do you want to get together? Blah, blah,

blah. I'll say things like, and don't be afraid to dominate me a little bit. And they'll be like, what does that mean? And I'm like, I can like it rough to a certain degree. And I sort of lean into that.

And then, you know, to lay it all out, to lay it all out to lay it all out but then there is like the thing that doesn't happen when you're on these apps and you're over communicating about what you want is the excitement of spontaneity the excitement of daddy swooping you in the alley yes and so so I don't want to explicitly say smack me in the face but I want to leave that door open so that if if he ends up grabbing my face and then I sort of lean into a little bit and then he pats it a little bit and I look at him like, you can go for it, then I'll get the bruise, which is what I'm looking for. Yeah, I've heard that, then someone being like, can I slap you?

And me being like, yeah, sure. And then them doing it. It is a very weird thing. Well, thanks for taking me out of it for a minute and then just getting doing it it is a very weird thing well thanks for like taking me out of it for a minute and then just getting whacked

right yeah yeah because absolutely when you talk about it it like the moment goes away yeah right

yeah I asked a guy to choke me once and it was like a very strange conversation I was like you could choke me and he was like

hard and I was like I mean yeah just like wrap them little fingies around my neck and just squeeze a little. You're like, I do want to breathe, but other than that. And then I told him the next day, I was like, oh, you left a little bit of bruise. And then he got so, he was like, I'm so sorry.

He was like, police report? I can't believe it. And I was like, oh, no, no, no. I literally asked for this. It's fine. It's kind of hot that I can still feel the bruise from you. And then he never did it again. Oh, no. Interesting.

But with another guy that I was hooking up with for a while I got a collar. And then, yeah, we weren't in a relationship, but we had all these sex toys that we used. And it was thrilling. I like wearing a collar. Have either one of you ever worn a collar? Yeah, all the time. Just for fashion.

Oh, no. No, I've worn it for a size. I love it. When they pull it from behind. Yes. Yes. Oh, girl. Okay, just the collar or with a leash attachment? No, with just a little ring hook to pull.

So that they can just- Yeah, just jerk you around a little bit. They could put a leash on it if they wanted to, but I'm not that person. I think I would really like that. Yeah, no, it's really good. You gotta get that. Yes. We'll take you to Rough Trade.

But you gotta get one of the thicker ones. Yeah, we have to go to the sexy one. We'll take you to Rough Trade. But you gotta get one of the thicker ones. Yeah, we have to go to the sex store. We have to go to Rough Trade. We love to go together. But you gotta get the thick one, so when they pull it, it's like the whole neck, girl. Uh-huh, the whole neck.

Yeah, I think the smaller one would be like a choke. The little thin ones cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little velvet one. Wow. A little red velvet. What other toys do you use?

We had anal beads. We had a little spanking thing. And then a little ball thingy that you put inside a lady. I guess it's anal beads, but for a puss. But for a puss. Puss beads. Puss beads. Put my puss beads in.

Honey, have you seen the puss beads? I'm trying to pack for life. So when you're on an app, do you guys talk about sexual stuff or is it just like, I'd love to get coffee? Most of the time. I don't understand straight people. I'm sorry. They're stupid. I don't understand them either, which is why I'm still single.

Sometimes it's, let's just get coffee. Sometimes it's a little more. I can give you two examples. Tony said, hi, Nicole. My name is Tony I'm a single Latino man Looking to date you And get to know you

Let's start as friends And see what happens Wow Wanna exchange numbers And start talking Honey Please send me your number Honey

You're a very beautiful And sexy woman Tony And then the next day Good morning honey I look forward to your message And then another day That sounds like a bot

Yeah Kind of But he's like an older Hispanic man from Pasadena Which is is like my demographic on dating apps. Then he said, are you not interested at all, baby? Please just tell me. Please. I'm a great guy and will treat you as my queen.

I'm very interested in dating you. So that's one nice way. Give him my number. But like kind of desperate. Here's another one. And you never responded back? No. Because he was a little too old.

What I've been doing lately, full disclosure, is swiping yes on everybody and just seeing what sticks. Yeah. Because that's what men do. And I was like, well, why not? And also, nothing has stuck. So this man, Michael, said, hi, Nicole. How are you?

You're very attractive and beautiful. I adore exotic looking African-American women. And you are no exception. You just have a beautiful body. So hot. Forgive me, but I would love to see you wearing a white medical doctor's coat with a stethoscope dangling down your chest and wearing long leather thigh-high boots. Would you be my naughty doctor? I'm getting a call from my therapist.

Would you be my naughty doctor? Sorry, let me silence my therapist phone call so I can talk about a naughty doctor scenario on my podcast that is also therapy. Oh, man. If that wasn't the most on-brand thing that's happened, I don't know what is. I hate you. Dead. Okay, so then he says, would you be my naughty doctor, please?

Please don't be offended. It was just a thought. LOL. Maybe he thinks you got a PhD. He knows I don't be offended it was just a thought lol maybe he thinks you got a phd he knows i don't have no phd he was just like i'll throw out my sexual fantasy and see who bites see i think it's one of those things where it's like you have to know when right so if you if he was like hey and you were like hey like i i i've also again listened to the podcast, and you're like, I hate hey as an opening line. It sucks.

To me, I'm a hey. Really? Because it's based on, and I think the difference is it's based on a picture. Because I'm looking at his picture, and I'm going, hey. And if he says hey back, that means he's mildly interested.

Okay. And then we can be like, are you looking for today or looking for, because there's also the thing on a lot of the gay apps is you literally say what you're looking for. It's like dating, friends, husband, or oral, anal. You literally just say what you're looking for. I feel like straight people are repressed in a way where they're like, I can't possibly just say I'm looking for hooking up tonight and I just want to fuck and that is it and I won't eat your pussy. Well, on this app, there's literally an option called shout where people just send out what

they're looking for. So this is a shout that I got this morning, which is, hey guys, anyone looking for right now to host midday fun, make out, body contact, oral, see where things go. I love all types of men. Great kisser. Love anal. Big balls. Very anal. Big balls. Very hairy.

Huge shooter. So if I wanted to take him up on that option, I'd be like, come on over. And it would just happen. So essentially, on these apps, you can send a newsletter to be like, I want to- To a five-mile radius. Just anybody five miles. You've got a car. You're getting fucked, girl.

God. Why don't straight people do this? I don't understand. It would make their life so much easier. It really would because sometimes, like today I woke up and I was like, I'm going to shame my pussy and I'm going to fuck somebody tonight. Yes. But like if I could send out an SOS, I would.

Be like, please come. Come to my home and fuck me. And they fucking shut down Craigslist, so you can't even. Wait, they did? I know they shut down Backpages, but I didn't know they shut down Craigslist. Craigslist shut itself down because the personals are a big part of it, but they do a ton of other stuff. And so in fear that the entire website would get shut down, they shut down the personals based on that. I guess that's smart.

I don't think a lot of people still use Craigslist. I don't think so either, but since back pages. Oh, you do? Oh, yeah. Really? And he loves it. Okay, so this is crazy. And this morning, I just followed up on a Craigslist.

I was in Boston for a thing. And I love Craigslist because before, if I'm traveling, this would be a hot tip for you okay because you go out of town to do shows so like you know you're going to Omaha Nebraska so you're in LA you go to the Omaha page

you write looking to get my puss eaten in my hotel lights off like I got a good puss and a fat ass and like whatever you must send me pictures do this do this do this and someone

is gonna respond and you get to be in control you land in Omaha you go to your hotel you say this is the room number whatever they come over you get what you need and then you fly back oh my god listeners you cannot see but my jaw is a gig as mine is most nights off of craigslist you're so gross so anyway i was in

boston i ended up meeting this guy and he came over the hotel room and then we started talking and he i like much older guys so they immediately like he like after we were done he was like so what do you do what's your life blah blah blah and he was like, so what do you do? What's your life? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, great to see you. You can make your way. But we ended up talking. And he used to be this huge music director for television.

And we started talking about music stuff. And I was saying, whatever. I had some question. And he ended up emailing me later with like some links and some information to the Craigslist email. And I'd never responded because I got sort of freaked out. And then this morning I struck up an email conversation with him under my real email. Like with that has like all my links to my music and everything.

And like now we're like having this conversation about music and like resources and what it's a very like fall in love yeah to quote cardi b a binderella situation i can't stop listening to that album it's so good it is so good every song's a banger and then i was reading this article about how she had like help with some of the raps and help with writing it. And I was like, so what? Of course. So what? Do you ever look at writing credits on a Beyonce album?

Right? It's so many people involved. There's like 18 artists. If you do look at, this is just maybe too music geeky for this moment. But if you do like look at the writing credits, it's mostly just her and a producer. And I have a theory that Atlantic paid really good money for all the ghostwriters to not be credited in order to get her. Everybody's

pockets are lined. Who cares? Completely and the album is so good. It's so good. I would rather her come out with a good album with a thousand people helping than her come out with a flop because she was like, I'll do it myself. And also it's like, I love that you knew you couldn't do it yourself. I think people like to jump on bandwagons and be like, whatever, she's not talented.

I'm like, she is talented and she's learning how to be better. Because guess what? She just performed those songs flawlessly on national television. Yes, that SNL performance was, she murdered. And she just co-hosted the Jimmy Fallon show. It's like, don't, she's nailing everything so you can't say anything about her. It's like being don't, like, she's nailing everything, so you can't say anything about her. It's like being in a movie. Like, you didn't write those words,

but you're performing the hell out of it. So, like, and then there's editors, and people edit you to look better. Ugh, whatever. I fucking love Cardi B. I love her. Get her on the show. Oh, my God.

Friend of the show, Cardi B. She would do it, too. I should. You could ask her about dating offsets. Send her a message. Hi, Cardi B. She's do it too. I should. You could ask her about dating offset. Send her a message. Hi, Cardi B. She's like, whoosh pop. Whoosh pop.

I love the way she speaks. Me too. I was talking to somebody and they were like, well, you know all girls in the Bronx talk like that. I was like, no. No. She has a speech impediment and an accent and she's from New York. It's a whole mess of things.

Well, and she fixed her teeth later in life and I feel like that was hard for her to talk it's just a lot of things happening she had like dentures in for a little while but now she's good

yeah she just and then maybe her tongue's too big for her mouth I think her tongue is very big you know it's also fun to see her

on TV because it's clear she knows like they burned into her brain like you cannot cuss like you will be fined money if you swear.

So Jimmy Fallon's like, right, Cardi? And she pauses, sort of deer in headlights. And then she's like, yes. She's like, OK, this is not my Instagram live. Like, I cannot. You can't talk about a fucking dick. That is so cool. Yes.

I fucking love it. Yeah. Well, RIP Craigslist. We have to take a break. Oh. So we get to take a break real quick. And we're back. What a beautiful break.

Meeple. Oh, we had so much fun. Meeple got in full drag. Oh, he did? Oh, my God. Girl, you look so good. That was such a long break. Look at me. Thank you. Oh, we had so much fun. Meeple got in full drag. Oh, he did? Oh my God. Girl, you look so good. Thank you. Oh, but Craigslist.

So I had a friend who used Craigslist to, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but she would go on Craigslist towards the end of the month and then meet a bunch of daddies, go to dinner with them. She said all she was doing was going to dinner dinner but she would come home with so much money yeah that was like impossible you must be doing something i feel like other than the amount of dudes that i've met on craigslist i could have gotten my rent paid and i just like never like i just did it because i enjoyed it but i'm like i probably could have been like well it's 50 if i suck you and they would just yes You can also talk more than 50.

I know. I'm very talented. When I was in New York, I once a month would suck a guy's dick. He would take me. We met on Craigslist. I'm going to take it to the beginning. Thank you for backing up. Here we go.

Here we go. I was a young college student and I didn't have a lot of money. And we met on Craigslist and I was like looking for money and he was like, oh yeah, well I'll take you out to dinner and then if you blow me or if we have sex,

I'll give you $250. And I was like, okay. And so we like went out to dinner and I was so uncomfortable because it was the first time I've ever done that. And I was like 18.

I was very young and I just needed money. And I went out to dinner with him and I was like, I'm sorry. This was a lovely dinner. But I cannot have sex with you. And he was like, no, it's fine. Just come back to my place and we'll just like watch a movie and

have some drinks. And I was like, well, alcohol is expensive. So I went over to his place and he got me pretty tipsy and then I had sex with him and he gave me $500. Yes, girl! But it was that weird situation pretty tipsy and then I had sex with him and he gave me $500. Yes, girl! Yes! But it was that weird situation

where after it was done, I didn't know how to like leave because I was like, well, he gave me money. Do I live here now? Take the money and run. Take the money and run.

Do we talk? And I kept trying to talk and it was that thing where I was like, well, thank you. I had so much fun. Like, maybe we could do it again. And he was very much just like,

get out of my house, you child. How many times did you do it? I did that with him three times. That's so much money. I know. I did it twice. I don't think I've ever said this in public, but who cares? So I was also, I was poor, and I was working at Lane Bryant,

and I ended up leaving. And my roommate, who would go on Craigslist, I was poor, and I was working at Lane Bryant, and I ended up leaving, and my roommate who would go on Craigslist, I was like, I can do that, too. So I found this man, and he said that he wanted to draw a bigger woman. It was this random thing that I found. Like one of his French girls. Yes. Got it. Like a big old fucking French girl who can't put a baguette down.

So I messaged him. I was like, I'm a big girl. He's like, send me some pictures. So I sent him some pictures. And he said, ooh, this is perfect. And then he said, come down to my apartment. It's in the village. And I said, all right.

So I go down. Oh, and then he was like, what are you going to wear? And I said, what do you want me to wear? He's like, I don't know. Do you have anything fun? And I was like, I could wear like a Hello Kitty sweater and some Converse's. And he was like, what are you going to wear? And I said, what do you want me to wear? He's like, I don't know. Do you have anything fun? I was like, I could wear like a Hello Kitty sweater and some Converse's. And he was like, yes, yes. What?

Serving a fucking full-blown child fantasy. You were almost a baby. So I go down there, and I'm like a little nervous because I'm like, what is happening? And then to ease my discomfort, he goes, what kind of music do you like? And I said, Cher, because I'm a little baby drag queen. So we're playing Cher. And then he shows me this Herb Pitts book. Herb Ritz?

I don't know. He shot that picture of Cher where her butt is out and you see her tattoo and she's wearing a thong. Whatever. It's a big, expensive coffee table book. And he's like, you can have this. And I was like, oh, thank you. And he's like, all right, and i was like oh thank you and he's like all right well let's get to drawing so then i like take off my pants and i'm wearing this little hoodie and he's

drawing me also i never saw the drawing it could have been a stick figure he was back there doing it all had no idea and then he like kept inching closer to me and i was like what is happening what was he wearing he was just wearing normal clothes and he was like, what is happening? What was he wearing? He was just wearing normal clothes. And he was like an older white guy. And his apartment was really nice and very clean so I felt okay in it. And I was also just like sitting on a chair pussy on the chair. And then he was like,

can you just like spread your legs? And I was like, okay. And then he's like, can I eat you out? And I was like, uh, yeah, I guess. So then he's like eating me out and then I was like, what am I doing? So then he was like, uh, yeah, I guess. So he's like eating me out. And then I was like, what am I doing? So then he was like, okay, my turn. I was like, I don't want your dick in my mouth. I have to go.

And then he was like, stop screaming. And I was like, but I have to go. Cause I just like, I was 18 and I just didn't want this old man's dick in my mouth. The thought of it, I don't know, really made me upset. So then he was like, well, let me pay you. And I was like, thank you. And then he was like, I'll email you the picture later. thank you and then he was like i'll email you the picture later and i said oh okay he never emailed me the picture and then i saw him like two years later at a food truck in like on 23rd street and we made eye contact and i

went no and then he laughed i ran away oh my god it was wild and it was it was one of those things i was just like this is very confusing no and he just went do straight people do the same thing that gays do when they'll talk on apps forever and then if you see them in public you just act like you've never met them before you just like blindly ignore them i've had such long conversations with people like spanning years. Like, I can- Yeah, you can talk. Okay. No! No, I just mean someone I started chatting with in 2015, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And you just, like, this literally happened to me the other day. I was DJing, and this guy who I had talked to so long, but he lives in Long Beach. And it was just one of those things where it's like, Long Beach is not that far away, but if you work a nine to five and you have to be up for work at 7 a.m and my life is like so different than that i'm like there's no good time like you want me to

drive to long beach at rush hour it's just not gonna happen but we like exchange photos everything else seems like it would totally work out aside from schedule and proximity. And then I saw him in person, and he kept looking at me, and I looked at him like, hello, it was me, but I was DJing, so I could not leave the DJ booth. And then he never came and talked to me all night. That's wild. Isn't it?

But yeah, straight people do the same thing. I've seen people on dating apps, and I've seen them clock me and then ignore me. And I'm like, guys, come on. We know what we were doing. Come on. So do you think when people message you on the dating apps that they know who you are from television? It is 50-50.

But also, I don't know. Because sometimes people will go, are you Nicole Byer? I think you're very funny. And I don't answer. Right. Or we'll start talking, and then a couple messages in, they'll go, I know who you are, and then we'll stop talking. I just, I don't, it's weird.

I think it's weird across the board, even if they recognize you. I got a message literally last night from some guy that's like, hey, we have a friend in common, and this is someone I know from five years ago, six years ago from living in Chicago. We have a friend in common. I've seen you out once before. And I've seen, like, your music online. I wanted to say hi. And I'm like, this is not the arena for that. Yes.

No, but it's not. Facebook is. Yeah, Facebook is or Instagram or whatever. Because half the time they're not looking to date you or fuck you they just want to say hi I know who you are and I just want you to know that I know and it's like I don't fucking care I think I'm lucky that I

like have makeup so like they can't really half the time they don't recognize me on there because my name on there isn't meatball or anything yeah but if you do like RuPaul's Drag Race or something like that or get to like another level and people know what you look like out of drag, that is going to happen so much.

That's only happened when I'm like visiting out, like when I'm out of town and people know that I'm in town for something, they'll send me the, that like, coming to the show tonight, so excited to see you. And I'm just like,

in my mind I'm like, and are they going to come back to the hotel with me after the gig? Am I going to have to wear the makeup to fuck up? Or are we going to do this without it? I told this story on our podcast, me and Meatball, but I was out of town and some guy hit me up and started messaging me. No, actually, full stop. Before I left town, I went on one of those gay massage websites because I had just moved apartments. And I was like, oh like oh i'm gonna be in

charlotte north carolina let me see if there's a cute guy who will massage me but with his with his dick out and so i set it up and i found the one who was like the bearish older daddy type and we started texting it beforehand and he was like yes i do them out of my house i was like this is i'm gonna be in town this is the hotel I'm staying at, blah, blah, blah. So we set it up. I went over to his place. He started massaging me. And then we ended up hooking up.

And then I fucked him. And then when we were done fucking, he said, me and my husband are so excited for your concert tonight. And what is insane? And I was like, excuse me? He's like, I've been a fan of yours for years he was like i actually am a producer and i work with other music artists he goes i also produce porn on the side oh my goodness and i was like i did when i walked into your apartment where you had a massage table in the middle of the living room i did notice a video no i noticed um like soft boxes like like porno lights like for like because he shoots porn in the kitchen and the living room

and i was like i didn't say anything but i just sort of like and it was this whole thing and then i got mad at him i would have gotten mad and i said i feel like you duped me yes you were misled i know that i initially reached out to you but i reached out to you as a gay massage website what was he supposed to say i know who you are i will not massage you because no but if you're gonna meet up with someone it's nice to let that person know you do know who they are at some point even if we were doing the massage he could say hey i'm excited to massage you also i want to let you know, he could have even lied and said, I saw the poster at the club. Is this you were coming to the show?

Yes. Because after everything is all said and done. I guess it just doesn't bother me as much. Well, you feel like they're withholding information. Yes. And that makes me feel personally like a little nervous because I'm like, well, what else are you withholding? Scammed, bamboozled, bewildered, all of the above. Yes,boozled bewildered all of the above scandal shenanigans happening over there buffoonery she says uh bamboozled fake fake words i like i like a kafoofery i like a good exactly yeah i'm

with you on that that feels it feels like yeah it does feel you're like oh I haven't experienced it yet but it does I'm kind of getting the vibe of it well you very publicly like don't mind fucking my fans

no I fully say that I will do it I'm like if I'm in your city and you would like to fuck let me know yeah he uses his social media for sex I love it

I feel like it's not not acceptable but but I don't think anyone would take my offer up on it. No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. I think people would think it was a bit. I basically do that. Do you? But I think people think it's a bit. Yeah, maybe, but also there's, I've talked about it before, there's no male chuckle fuckers.

I have never had a show. Chuckle fuckers? Yeah, so there's female chuckle fuckers. Oh, yeah. Women who love comedy dudes who will fuck literally a dumpster so there's female chuckle fuckers women who love comedy dudes who will fuck literally a dumpster cause it's funny like just an ugly man who tells jokes they're like I love them

and the standard for what's funny on a dumpster man is so low it's like crazy for example TJ Miller has been real wild lately and his wife is fucking beautiful like she is gorgeous and you're like really and he leans into whatever that his aesthetic is because it's like oh it's funny

you're a slob with the smart mouth or whatever there's so many slobby slobby slobbish men with beautiful women yeah and it's i've yet to see like a like nasty, fat little lady comic with a beautiful man. It just doesn't happen. But I mean, maybe one day. Also, during my shows, sometimes I'll be like, who wants to fuck me? Really? I'll be like, who wants to volunteer as tribute? Yeah.

And I'll hear like, woo, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But no one after a show has ever been like, so like, let's go out for a drink or whatever. I feel like all the things that are set up as like hurdles for you can be like pivoted. Like I'm already like getting all these like show ideas in my brain about like, we should do like a Bachelor type show for you. Oh my God, for you, that would be amazing. That's real because. I would love that. On a large scale platform, it's real.

You're totally desirable. You're super sexy. You're very. Thank you. Like, there are plenty of dudes who would want to both fuck and date you. And I think that there is this intimidation and this wall factor with you being successful. And people tell you that all the time. But I think there is a certain guy who just given the access proper circumstances right

or the access to you you know what i mean like some guy who might be great for you you might not meet him because he's like working in a lab at you know ucla i have a feeling that the perfect guy for me is not a fan of mine yes that he will be but i think that's true across the board presently surprised by what i do and be like, oh, wow. And he'll like it. I find it very funny. Yeah. Yes. Maybe a little too much for me at times, but I love it.

Maybe I'll try sending out a little SOS. Okay. I have a secret email account that I use for things. Oh, my God. Yes. And it's not really secret. It's called, it's just baconcansave at gmail.com. If you are a gentleman or know a gentleman who would fuck me

or want to date me give them that email and they have to be in the LA area or if they're really interested just say what city you're in because we could line it up with your tour schedule you could schedule it for the night you get there imagine I was like call my agent

up and I said I got a bunch of fucks lined up for Nebraska. Can you send me to Nebraska? He would honestly be like, this is on brand and I love this phone call. Because this is the thing, you've been so open and honest on this podcast. So open, so honest. And so public about it that I honestly feel like there are people who are listening who are like, Nicole is the person that I want to be with.

I have yet, well, no, that's a lie. I've had people be like, I would date you, but, and then a lot of just like disclaimers. I have yet to find someone who was just like, I will date you. That is it. And I don't know what it is. Well, so what's happening with the apps? You're not getting a lot of bites. And so you're not going on dates?

I mean, I'm getting bites, but I just don't like- What is your profile picture? Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I should do that. Let me see the whole rundown of what's happening. Okay. Because this is what I'm good at, which is tricking people into liking me. Okay, so that's my Tinder profile.

Oh, that's such a cute picture. Thank you. And it used to be me holding a giant dildo. That was the first picture. That might have been a bunch. But I've since changed it. I put some googly eyes over it so people know it's funny. That's a big dildo, girl.

It's so big. These are amazing photos. Thank you. Oh, describe them so people can see. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So there's one of her just in a full catsuit crawling on a bookshelf just giving you body, giving you life. I love it.

Then we have one of her holding a dog in a yellow jacket, very cute, sunglasses. That's your dog? That's my little dog. Then one of you on the beach.

Yeah, these are great. You're not hiding any body parts. You're not doing anything. You're like, this is who I am. I get so sad when I see a fat lady at a very high angle.

And it's like the high thing they need to stop. And I'm like, girl, he gonna be so mad or she gonna be so mad when she sees that you got eight a very high angle. And it's like the high thing they need to stop. And I'm like, girl. He gonna be so mad or she gonna be so mad when she sees that you got eight chins. No, you look great in it. I don't understand.

The pictures are great. What kind of conversations are you having? When they hit you up with a hey, you don't like that. I don't love a hey, but I do respond to hey's now. Okay.

If they look like someone. If they look like something that I'm having a meeting with. That's my whole theory. Yeah, that's my whole theory. That's my whole theory. But I have not been pulling attractive boys lately. With the dildo, I was just pulling in some cute boys, some good trade. Some hot trade, mom.

Since I moved it, I guess, I don't know. I just, I know that. Maybe you need to be more forward. Maybe you need to be sending out the haze with the hoes and the, sending them pictures of you. I do that on Bumble. the haze with the hoes and the synonym pictures. I do that on Bumble. Oh, what's the difference between Bumble and Tinder then? So Tinder, anyone can start the messaging.

On Bumble, a man has to, or no, the woman starts it. Oh, okay. So I just sent a message to this guy yesterday. What? Sorry. With a fat ass hag. I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass hag. It's the best fucking part of it. Sorry. With a fat ass. Hey! I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass. Hey! I like that so much. It's the best fucking part of it.

I changed it from, it used to say I got a fat ass if you're not into it, bye bye. But then someone was like, be less negative. Less negative, yeah. So I was just like, hi. But I'm bum bum. So this man, I messaged him yesterday and he had a picture of a dog just like sitting on his face like on the side

of his face it was a very big dog I wish that dog was me well I said I like that dog sitting on your face is that dog single very funny yes very funny is that dog single nothing so I would have responded arf arf yes ew fuck you is that dog single? So. I would have responded arf arf.

Yes. Ew. Ew, fuck you. Ew, that was not good. I like it. Arf arf? I would have laughed. I would have been like he is a trial.

And then something real. Work from there. Yeah, fuck off. And then I messaged this guy named Denny who's cute. So I messaged Denny and I said he says in his profile

I've never traveled which I think is a joke because everyone on these dating apps is like I love traveling. Of course you do. Of course everyone loves to travel. So I said, I'm so sorry you've never traveled, but a lot of people on here love to travel, so all of it may work out.

Very cute. Yeah, that was very cute. Nothing. You're good at this. I'm great at a first message, but I don't know why. a first message, but I don't know why. Truly, the only people I talk to on Bumble are women, and women, I like fucking women.

I'm very open about sex with everybody. I'll fuck anybody. But with women, it's just weird, because women, I truly need to feel your vibe first. And a lot of women are annoying. Yes. That's not nice to say, but they are. And you meet very few chill women.

So it's hard for me to talk to them because I'm like, I don't want to meet you in person. Have you be like. Yeah. You know. That is a spot on impression of a woman. That is exactly what women sound like I sound like a real hack male comic you know you talk

to a woman and she's like mama you know what that male comic would be knee deep in pussy by the end of the day I know right

she'd be like I do sound like that and I want you what did you call it a chuckle fucker A chuckle fucker? A chuckle fucker. It's a woman. Because we have clown fuckers.

Clown fuckers. Oh, clown fuckers. I love it. It's so good. When I'm in other cities, the clown fuckers will flock to me. And I now have a problem with fucking in drag. I do not like doing it at all. Just now?

Mask why? Recently. Just now? Well, because then I realized that it's not about me as a person. It's a walking nightmare is what it is. Fucking the beautiful, gorgeous, fat woman that I am. I'm using those words very loosely. Because they just want to fuck meatball and they don't give a fuck about the person behind

it. So when I'm face first in a pillow and I turn around and all you see is just you see is just like black spirit across and their face is just like, oh, that's like you're like, oh, this wasn't love. You know what I mean? What is your version of love? No profile say? Oh, yeah. Let me see your profiles. I just looked mine up because I was like oh you have people on here

critiquing your profile what does their say I can't show you mine because my dick is on it I want to see your dick Miss Vanjie that's your profile name I would do that but nobody would get it

straight people are the worst they suck no they do they They really suck. A regular person who likes drag queens performing. Sorry, you start with a bold-faced lie. I'm hanging out, watching movies, going to bars, down-to-earth funny guys, looking for hookups, oral, versatile, top, conversation,

no strings attached, HIV negative, and on PrEP conversation, no strings attached. Conversation! HIV negative and on prep. Yas, yas. Oh, is this on Grindr? Grindr was selling fucking HIV statuses. Did you know that? Oh, I heard about that. To third party people. They were like, oh no, that was like under the guise of just regular sale of information.

That's so wild. And I didn't realize that all of these free apps run by selling third-party information. And it just finally dawned on me because I won't get a movie pass. I was like, something fishy about movie pass. Oh, right. And it's because they sell a lot of your information to third-party people. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she was like, have you been following the thing with Facebook? And I just said to her, I was like,

girl, I know all these billion dollar corporations, they're just evil and they sell everything. And her response, she just repeated Facebook four times. She went Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.

Like I thought she was like, had just seen an article or like something like she was going to say more. She just said Facebook. I was just like, Mom, are you having a stroke? Do you smell toes? Mom, did you see that episode of RuPaul's Drag Race? Are you exiting a room just saying Facebook? Facebook.

Facebook. That's insane. What does yours say? Also, I am a regular guy. Mine says. If I saw someone's profile that said regular guy. I would be like, no. Is that bad?

Yes. Who, me? Yes. I'm just a regular guy. I'm out on the town looking for a friend. I like books, travel, walking short distances, and sleep. Walking short distances. I guess those are regular things.

Those are all regular things, and those are all things that I like. I can't believe you don't have fried chicken on your profile. Maybe I'll change my name to fried chicken. Do you love fried chicken? It's my favorite food. Have you ever been to... I go to Gus's like twice a week, girl. Fuck, what is the name of it?

It's Howlin' Ray's. Yeah, it's not as good as Gus's. Oh, really? Because I love Howlin' Ray's. It's too hot. And once you get the too spicy. I love. I ate the Inferno one, the hottest one.

Why? Because you wanted to punish your butthole? I did, I guess. Well, what happened was. Because you lost those anal beads. I lost those anal beads. And I was like, I need something. It's spicy in my butt.

I need to feel out of my butt. But I ate it and truly was so sick for two days. No! So sick. Yeah, like spicy food will fucking kill you. And I was like blasting off my toilet. It hurts so much. You almost took off, mom.

It hurts so much. And you just go like four or five times a day. Yeah, it was tough. No, more of that. Sorry, sex. I do sex from my butt. I haven't really looked at this in a very long time. I was like surprised at what it said. I'm 5'9", 240 pounds, and covered in hair.

I definitely weigh more than that, though. That's it? That's all you're says? No. Like confident older men who know what they want. And then the gag, I write, I'm human.

So both of you are suspicious. I'm a human. I'm a regular man. So I qualify it. I'm human. So that means complex and flawed from time to time. Oh my. Delete.

You're a cow. It got so deep. It got so deep. Ideally aiming for happiness and fun, followed by happy to be on my knees tongue emoji. Oh my god, I love you. I want to hold you for a second. What a rollercoaster you take people on. Truly. Because I'm soaster you take people on. Truly.

Because I'm so judgmental of people's profiles. When they get real on them, I'm like, don't act. I know. Like the mood and the room shifted. So real. My God. But are we not complex and flawed as humans? Yeah, but don't put that on your fucking profile.

Yeah, but you don't have to say it. You're saying you're a human and you're complex and you're flawed. I'm complex and flawed. I'm flawed. I'm looking for happiness. Anyway, I'll get on my knees. Maybe I'll do something like that. I don't know. I don't even know.

I don't even know if people read profiles. I don't think they do. I think it's mostly just a picture thing at this point. Yeah, I guess so because I barely read a profile. Has your dating life changed since this podcast? It has slowed down. What? people are probably afraid to be on here um i don't know why but also i was working uh pretty pretty like uh just regularly continuously yeah and i didn't really have any time so So, like, last time I was, like, hardcore dating was last summer.

But it's summer again, and I don't think I'm doing anything right now. So I'm going to try to, like, jump back into it. Oh, my gosh. It's so exhausting, isn't it? It's like having a fucking full-time job. You have to get to know people. You have to, like, fucking act like they're interesting. Half the time, they're not.

Are you in a position? I mean, like, I feel like if, like, you're very busy. You're working half the time they're not are you in a position i mean like i feel like if like you're very busy you're working all the time i feel like there there must be some part of you that's like well fuck it let me just work and then if someone comes along someone will come along but you're just like you need to actively be looking i feel like i need to actively be looking because i don't know when someone's just to walk into my life because when you're on a set, all those boys are married. They're union boys who've been making money since they got out of school. You scoop somebody up because you're financially stable and sound and you will always have a job.

So that's out. And then co-stars are usually very beautiful people who snatch somebody up earlier in life. So they're usually unavailable. So it's like, I'm not going to meet anybody at work. Right. So where am I going to meet them? I got to be on these apps.

I got to go into a bar in LA is hard because for straight people, I feel like people get clicky and they don't want to talk to nobody. You know what I mean? And I don't know if there's like cruising bars in LA for straight people. And I've like read articles. Did straight people cruise in parks for sex? That works for us. Yeah.

What's that one? Elysian Park? Yeah, that's where the dicks go. In Eiffel Park? Yeah. Yeah, if you go up to the top there and just park. By the trees. The guys all want their dick sucked.

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not looking to suck some anarchy. I know. You like want to be in a thing. Imagine I'm just opening my mouth. I'm like, Okay, goodbye. Next one.

Well, I'm not. I gotta get my pussy licked. That's called the glory hole. Just suck a dick and be on my way. I guess that's my style. That's all you. Yeah. I gotta get my baby diaper. Okay. It's so funny. We moved so far from that.

I love a nice little callback to a poopy baby diaper. Okay, we've come to the time in the podcast where I ask would either one of you date me? Yes. You would? I would go on so many dates with you.

I think we'd have so much fun. Oh, I think so too. I want to take you to Disney World. Oh no. I want to do your makeup. Oh yes. Yeah, just make you look like a big old lady, like a fake lady. Take you out.

I love looking like a fake lady. Honestly, I started wearing these giant lashes just for fun because I was like, who cares anymore? I don't. I've lost my mind. I'm already wearing a wig just for fun because I was like, who cares anymore? I don't. I've lost my mind. I'm already wearing a wig. Who cares? I'm contoured.

I'm slowly losing my mind. Okay. I think for me the answer is no for two reasons. Your age. You're too young. Too young. young oh he likes them real old yeah thank you and um i am a huge narcissist and i don't know that we could maintain wow like i think we're we're both too focused on okay like career stuff or just on like being like i i i i own up to being a narcissist and i'm like i need a person who is like pulled back so that i can be the star of the relationship

just the star of the relationship i'm happy not being the star like in real life but like i realize in conversation like i always like i need to be interesting and it took me a while i used to be very ashamed of that but i was like everyone should just own their shit because I love that in someone else like I'm gagged when someone can just be like why didn't you have to say the thought that came in your brain and they're like well because it just like I had it and then it fell out of my and then I moved on and I'm always like oh my god, how do you do that and not say every thought? I'm with you on that. I find that sexy too.

I think we would not work out. Wait, what does your hat say? Fag. What does your hat say? Bodega. And mine says feminist. How accurate. Very on brand.

Yes. That's very you. We're all on brand. Where you get a meatball sub? Bodega. What are you? A faggot. A problem.

Oh, no. I wanted to talk to you about prostitutes. Yes. Oh, have you ever? I have never. I feel like that would be a lovely moment for you. I'm a little concerned about a straight male prostitute having dirty fingernails and not being up to snuff. I think-

I just get concerned. You gotta go through an agency. The right madam will have a good man in place for you. How much do you think a male prostitute is? Four or five hundred dollars. That would be for all night. He would stay and you could fuck multiple times. Yes, and then I could

cuddle with him and pretend that you love me? No, because you pay for their time and every decision made on top of that is between two consenting adults. That's what they say on the websites to make sure that you're not paying for sex. But you get to say explicitly what

you want. You can make you want over and clean the tub but you can make them change the light bulbs and you can also do that all ahead of time because you get their phone number and you'll talk to them and you can say uh i want you clean i want you manicured i want you to come over i want you to pretend like we're dating come over ask me about my day like we don't have to do small talk. Okay. And you're an improviser, so you can go along with that. I want you to bring me food over, blah, blah, blah. I'll reimburse you for everything. And then you put, like, the money in the other room.

Okay. So you don't have to, like, watch him take your money or anything like that. And then he plays it out exactly as you want it. You say everything you want ahead of time. Maybe I'll ask for that for my birthday. Yes. I'll ask my friends to get me a prostitute.

It's actually such an empowering, like people are like, I don't want to pay for sex. It's a really empowering experience. I don't care about the whole paying for sex.

No. I just worried about like cleanliness. And you get to choose. Yeah, they got picks. You could like, you can literally pick like your dream man.

Your scenario could be, honey, I had such a long day i'm gonna go shower now inspect my nails when i'm done do you know what i mean you can literally do whatever you want i mean i literally paid for a guy to dress up like superman and come fuck me really yeah girl i wanted it this it's the superman on the hollywood walk of fame if you just ask him for special rates? He was hotter than that guy. He was a young, very fit guy.

And he was like, I have all these costumes. And I was like, cool, do you have a Superman or a Spider-Man? And he did. He came to my hotel and then he pretended to fly through the window and land. You're coding. No, no, no, no, no. What? Yeah, he pretended to fly through the window.

My jaw is dropped again. I was like, oh, and he was like, I just got away from the kryptonite. He did like this full act. This isn't real. No, it's real. I have the fucking videos on my phone. And I will send you the videos. It's so good.

And he was very attractive. Did you say call me Lois? No. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no. None of that. You were like, I'm Lois' younger brother, and we don't have to tell anyone. I me Lois? No. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no. None of that. That is insane. You were like, I'm Lois' younger brother

and we don't have to tell anyone. I'm Logan. Ew. Logan lame. So this man in a Superman costume jumped up and down in front of a window

and then said he escaped the kryptonite. He got away from Lex Luthor with the kryptonite. Did he have a hole in his costume to fuck you or he had to take a long time to slide out of it? The way his was was that the briefs came down and it was like a chap situation with the blue.

Oh my goodness. So he was just in the costume the whole time. But eventually I did make him take it off because I wanted to touch his body. Oh my God. So you could live out any fantasy you want. Here's the thing about having a very sexy prostitute who seems like he's living a good life. I feel like I'd be like, is this okay? Are you into me? Am I

making you upset? You can't think about that when you're doing it, otherwise it kills it for you. But it's like, being a prostitute, sometimes you have to fuck people that you are not attracted to. Yeah, but that's not in your business. It's their job to never let you know that if that's the case.

And if they do, you could call them out and be like, look, he didn't do his job right. Or you talk ahead of time. You send photos ahead of time and you say like, I want you to be into this. Oh, okay. Do you know what I mean? And like either they will be honest and be like, I'm not into this. Or they'll be like, oh, I'm totally into this, and they're going to be really good at their job,

and there's no way that you'll know that they're not. Okay. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to do it. I'm going to get a prostitute. You should. You should. I'm really excited about this.

And I've got to tell you, I have a couple friends who are sex workers, and I've talked to them about this, and I've always said, something personally that I really enjoy, and Meepaw makes fun of me for it, because a lot of the guys that I date, or date. Date, yeah, right. The version of dating is. Your version of dating is like fucking weird, yeah. Are you dating?

Yeah, exactly. A lot of the guys that I hook up with are older, you know, they don't look traditionally attractive. They're sort of, you know, boogers, as we would call them. But to me, something that is erotic is the idea of a person's sexuality yes that like the dude who like you you are waiting behind in line at trader joe's like has a great dick and like grunts a lot when he comes like i'm into that idea and so a lot of sex workers i know also are into that idea so they definitely have like a type, but to them, just the idea of sex or engaging in someone's sexuality

turns them off. Hell, it must be so hard to be that horny all the time. Right? I also have a fear. And imagine if you're bi too. On top of that. I have a fear of getting a prostitute

and then we don't even have sex and we just like talk about our own mortality. Like we get into a very deep conversation and then he's like, you know what? I leave the business. And it's like, but wait, then he's like, you know what? I leave the business. And it's like, but wait,

but wait, wait, you're not gonna fuck me. He's like, nope, you open my eyes. Goodbye. It's like Pretty Woman

but you're just friends? Yes. Talk about a Hollywood pick. That's a great movie, girl. I feel like that would be my luck. I have insane luck like that. You're like, you know what?

You're right. You just have to stick to the script you know you're right it's like honey hop in the shower and pull that dick out for me i'm excited for you yeah let us know if this happens i will my birthday's in august oh yeah maybe i'll set up a summer fuck go fund. You can donate some money to give me a prostitute. That would be hilarious. Honestly, there's nothing funnier than crowdfunded prostitution. Truly.

Oh, boy. Thank you guys so much for being here. Thank you. We've come to an end. Do you guys have anything you want to plug other than your fabulous podcast, Unbearable with Big Dipper and Meatball? Yeah, our podcast is that. Bear is spelled like the animal. Nicole is on our season two lineup, which is amazing.

Yeah, it's going to be great. And I'm on Instagram at Big Dipper Jelly. Wait, is your full name Big Dipper Jelly? Have I been doing it wrong? No, no, no. It's Big Dipper and people used to introduce me as The Big Dipper because the constellation. But I would always respond

do you say the Lil Wayne? I was really feeling myself when I came up with that retort. No, but Big Dipper was taken, so it's Big Dipper Jelly. Oh, okay. But it's like the jelly. I'm explaining too much. Yeah.

My Instagram is at spiciestmeatball. That's it. Yeah. Oh, go watch my videos on Hornet, which is an app for gay people. I made a smash hit song called I'm a Top. Called I'm a Top, so go watch that video too on my YouTube. And it's great. And it's produced by you, right?

Yeah, I wrote the song. Produced it, directed it, wrote it, scheduled it, got the guys there on time, made my assistant work for him. It was great. I love it. What are your real names? Logan. Dan. Huh. How wild! I would never have thought that you were all Logan and Dan. I told someone Logan's full real name.

Logan Tyler Jennings. Really? Does he have white parents? Yes, I was just thinking that. I do have white parents. I was adopted by white people. There you go. They were like, he may be brown, but in his name he'll be white.

Logan Tyler Which is honestly smart because if you Had a traditional route And you were interviewing for something they wouldn't know You were brown until you rolled on in That's exactly right I do just want to That conversation You had with Mono

About your mother And like your names And the way, like all of that was so fascinating. Yeah. It's a lot of what black people do is in response to how they've been treated. Right. It's yeah.

Like my mother was alive during segregation and shit. And like my aunts were, and like the stories they tell are insane. Like, uh, I was reading this thing where this has nothing to do with dating or anything but like to train people to like protest and march and stuff they would blow smoke in each other's faces and like spit at them so that they wouldn't respond yeah and pull each other's hair so they like wouldn't respond negatively and I was like what a wild thing to do while you're not getting fucked

I mean come on the queen of circling back to the topic back to the fuck fuck it got the serious it did and you gotta make it light okay if you like my podcast please

leave a review rate it leave a review and if it. Leave a review. And if you leave something nasty, I'll read it. This person, Gompi, on Monday said, I want you inside me. What is that? What are you fucking playing? I was showing up the video of the Superman guy. Why show me when you should be showing Nicole?

Yeah, show me. Good lord. Here you go. He's giving me a lot in this one. He's like in a full Superman costume. Did he take his dick out yet? No. And I love, what did he say?

Smell my what? Oh, God. I don't know. But there's his dick. Oh, there it is. Popped it out. Yes. Jerk it.

Jerk it. He's very handsome. I, there it is. Popped it out. Yes. Jerk it. Jerk it. He's very handsome. I know, right? I'm here for that. I paid $300 for him. $300 doesn't seem like that much money. No, it's not. Especially when it's like he's fully into it.

I love it. Oh, here's something that someone sent me in my DMs. I want to use your slit as an eraser to fix my math homework, and then I'll screw up my homework so much that your pussy is raw. And I'm pissed as hell, so I give up on my assignments and stress eat cupcakes that are frosted

with your dripping wet pussy lips. And then they wrote, clit, not slit, so sorry. I was just going to ask, is slit like dirty talk? no they meant clit and that's not the pepper on Instagram

I think I said I would say their names and then another person that's what you're looking for I definitely love it this is Joan Chilada hey Nicole great podcast I'd wear your puss on my face like Bane's mask have a good day about creative. Definitely love it. This is Joan Chilada. Hey, Nicole, great podcast.

I'd wear your puss on my face like Bane's mask. Have a good day. Have a good day. I genuinely think it's so funny to be nasty. Okay, thanks for listening.

Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.