Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Getting Past Dick Size (w/ Lisa Hanawalt)

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

"He just started sweating so much, that it was like water pouring onto me. And he said it was cause he was sad about his ex-girlfriend."Lisa Hanawalt (Bojack Horseman, Baby Genuises Podcast) discusses how to deal with boring guys, publicly declaring your love (like on this very podcast), and the complex behind needing a big dick for pleasurable sex. Nicole reads her latest dating app conversations and also convinces Lisa to eat Adam Conover's butt.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though I will clean out your fingernails!

What a wild thing to say. My guest today, you know her. She drew BoJack Horseman. She also is the supervising producer, yes, on BoJack Horseman. Sure. She created a new show for Netflix

that's going to debut next year. It stars the voices of Tiffany Haddish and Ali Wong. I mean, she got these talented women because she's so talented. Lisa! Hannah Walt. Hannah Walt. Hannah Walt. Hannah Wang. I like

practice saying it. And I looked at it and I was like, Hannah Walt. Hannah Walt. Hannah Walt. It has too many syllables. Hannah Walt. Hannah Wang. Hannah. It has like. Hannah Walt. It has too many syllables. Hannah Walt. Hannah Wangalang. Yeah. I mean, it wouldn't be me if I didn't fuck up someone's last name.

I had to do this thing for Netflix where it was. I always called the TSAs, but it's a TCA. It's the Critics. The Television Critics Association. Yeah. They had me host it, which is like a very weird thing. Usually it's an exec who's like, here's our show. But I think they were like, let's have fun.

So I did it. And then I had to introduce actors who all had very difficult names. Oh, no. That's my nightmare. And I butchered out of like maybe 40 names I had to say, I said two correctly. Because people get all upset if you mispronounce their names they take their names very seriously

so then before every name I said I'm so sorry if I say it wrong you could just scream out the correct pronunciation

and then a couple people did and then I'd repeat it and they'd be like just move on we gotta get through these this is a seven hour event and you're making it longer. Oh boy.

Lisa, thank you so much for being here. My pleasure. I'm a big fan of this podcast. And I'm a big fan of you. You've been very good to me. I like, I put it out into the world

that I wanted to get into voiceover work. And then, and then magically I ended up doing a bojack table read playing angela bassett which was like the most fun that's right and then you guys just started like using me for little bojack things and then i got to do a bunch of tuga and birdie yeah i think you are in every episode if not most of them so excited to be well you're just so good like you just come in

and you have like a million different voices that you can just pull up at the drop of a hat. And you're delightful and funny. So that's all anyone could ever want. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, it's a real treat. So, Lisa. Yes.

You are. Oh, I also forgot to mention you have a podcast called Baby Geniuses. That's also very funny. With Emily Heller. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Anyway. I pride myself on having like tons of good credits for people.

I love it. Just so like up top you're like, ooh, I guess I'll go listen to that or watch that. Anyway. So you're in a long, long term relationship. I am. We are coming up on our 10 year anniversary. Dang. Which is crazy.

A decade. That's so long. That is such a long time. um how did you guys meet i uh so he was roommates with rafael bob waxberg who is one of my close friends and the creator of bojack and uh i went to i actually had a crush on adam from afar because they were in like a comedy group together and they did online videos. And I was like, who's that? I like him. And then I went to Brooklyn to visit Rafael and I hooked up with his roommate. And we stayed in touch.

And then six months later, I moved to New York to pursue that relationship. Really? You moved to New York? Wait, where were you living? I was in LA. Oh. How long were you in LA?

I was in LA for like eight years because I went here for college. And then, yeah, I moved to New York in 2009. And I said it was like to get into like the comics community and focus on my comics because I quit my job here. And I was like, I'm going to do comics full time. And there's so many cool cartoonists my age in Brooklyn. I want to be friends with them. But it was pretty much for the guy. You're like Felicity. I've to be friends with them. But it was pretty much for the guy. You're like

Felicity. I've never seen Felicity. Well, Felicity chooses a college based on I think Scott Speedman? If I'm wrong, correct me. You can email me at begandconsave at gmail.com. I'm constantly wrong, so correct me. But I think that's

the whole premise of the show, that she follows this man to NYU. I didn't want to admit that's what I was doing but I mean I had been online dating for years and it was rough. In 2008 you were online dating? I was, yeah. I was, I online dated throughout college

in the early 2000s. You were like on the front of the online dating wave. Yeah, I was on like OkCupid that I found on The Onion. You found OkCupid on The Onion? Or maybe it was Nerve. Was that what it was? Nerve is a thing. I think that was a dating site.

It's not like a thing anymore, I don't think. But I was like the featured profile one day and I was so embarrassed. Yeah, it was rough. I can imagine because I am currently doing it. Yeah, it sucks. I was a Time Out New York single one year.

That's exciting. I got to go to a photo shoot and not one person contacted me. I always wondered if those led to anything. Maybe everyone just assumes those people are like they're it's like oh they've made it now they're not gonna want to date me but i truly was like this is it everyone reads time out new york yeah everyone has a subscription that they don't pay for but it comes to their house i will find somebody and truly i think i got Somebody and truly, I think I got maybe zero or one response.

Oh, my God. But also I was doing it wrong. I had blue contacts. I don't know. There was a long time in my life where I was like, blue. Hey, don't blame yourself. Come on. I mean, it's interesting. They look natural.

So do you. OK. In 2008, you're on the forefront of the dating apocalypse that is called online dating oh yeah um did you ever meet anybody good um i did date one guy for like four months okay i don't think he was great he was nice he was very boring um and he kind of made me feel sad and and he just didn't like understand the drawing thing like i'd want to go draw and he'd be like why just spend time with me and i'm like i'm busy i have interests that don't involve you that is interesting because i feel like for

non-creative people they're like well why do you have to go do this creative thing yeah why do you have to go why do you have to be alone when you draw? I can't just stare at you. I know. That's the most important thing to me. Yeah. I think that's why I like Adam is that he understands that. It's like his career is always going to be very important to him.

So we can leave each other the fuck alone. Yeah. Having time apart, I think, is important. I mean, I don't know. It seems to be important. Because I know in my friendships i i spent a lot of time with sashir and i know that our time apart is just as important as our time together yeah uh and it was a very hard each other yes you miss each other so when you finally get to

see them you're like yay and i make her do this thing before we see each other. I call them friendship fasts. Where I won't let her text me for a full day before I see her. And the first time I did it, I think I had just moved to LA and we had been talking every day and I was so nervous. I was like, we won't have anything to talk about. We've talked it all out.

And she was like, we can hang out all day and then talk on the phone. What makes you think we're gonna run out of things to talk about? And I was like, I don't know, but stop answering. Friendship fast. Have you gonna run out of things to talk about i was like i don't know but stop answering friendship fast have you ever run out of things to talk about no no because if there's like silence or we're watching something something that happens we'll talk about that or something like on our phones we'll talk about that yeah i think it's

just an insane thought that i have that i'm like one day we're gonna look at each other and say why i kind of worry about that in my relationship, but it hasn't happened yet. I mean, 10 years is a great run. But imagine waking up looking at Adam in the morning and being like, I don't know. I don't know. I have nothing more to say to you. And he was like, me either. I guess we sit in silence forever. I guess then we would just amicably break up yeah it'd be very polite i do think you'd have a very polite i think so too like there'd be like a handshake involved you are a very polite couple i think that's how i describe you just like two of the nicest people yeah there have been times where i've like kind of screamed and like i don't know

wanted to throw tantrum but he's like so reasonable He kind of doesn't let me be that way. I'm like a door slammer. I'm a, I freak out. Yeah. I'm constantly like, mom, but what about this? Am I enough? Do you like me? I love that.

I've always wanted to have like an argument where I light all his clothes on fire and like throw him out a window, but we're just not that kind of couple. I feel like you're not that kind of person if I if like I heard that you did that I'd be like Lisa are you okay really I mean I guess I reach out and say hello friend are you okay it'd be kind of exciting though too I had a date with a very boring man who in his pictures, it could have gone either way. So I've been like trying very hard

not to judge books by the cover because men seem to be very bad at taking pictures. They're bad, yeah. They're bad at like messaging too. I used to like put a lot on how good they were at messaging and how clever they were. And I think that doesn't matter at all. I don't think it matters either.

Like at all. Like, like Adam's not like a great texter or whatever. It doesn't matter. Does he text you back though? Yeah. Okay. I used to hate men who used emojis and he just uses emojis.

He's just like puts like a smiley and he's so sweet when he texts. And I'm like, Oh, it's fine. Actually. I like an emoji because an emoji means you're taking an extra step to convey something to me yeah yeah that's why I like emojis I think I didn't like how uh I think I liked more mysterious kind of things but then

I realized that men who are really great at texting like flirty things and are mysterious are assholes they're assholes and they're doing it to everybody they're speaking to you're not special that's how they that's how they're texting the world they're being yeah they're probably reusing jokes the best one that i dated who was like the best at that after dating him for a month it turned out he had a girlfriend oh and i'm like you couldn't have told me that yes i wish people were more up front just tell me up front like if you have a girlfriend and you you want a side piece like let me know so i could make the choice yeah to be a side and by the way saying like i want to take things slow does not communicate that you have a girlfriend no not at all that just you're

you're truly just dangling a piece of meat in front of me saying you can have it and we're just going to walk very slowly to it. He was such a dangler. He had his cock at the end of his dick. Truly, that's what it's like. It's like the prize is his dick

and he's just dangling it. But this guy I went out with was so boring and we were in a bar and he was speaking so quietly. I kept going, what? What? And he would repeat it like almost softer.

And I was like, am I being pranked? So then I finally just started going, oh yeah, yes. And I don't know what he ever said. And then I drank so much because I was trying to make him interesting. I was like, I'll get drunk and I'll find him funny. But then it's like I got drunker

and understood him even less. And then I was, at one point I went to the bathroom and I was like, what are you doing you gotta get out of here so then i went back to our seat and i was like hey um i think i have an early i have an early morning and i may have like had one drink too many so i should go home he's like okay well you bought the last round the next and i was like did he ask me out again? I don't know. All I heard was like next and round and eyeball. So then I was just like, I'm getting in a lift.

And he was like, okay. And then he followed me out and I was like, oh, is he getting in my lift? No. And then I was like, I'm looking for a Nissan. And he's like, oh, okay. Me too. And I was like, wait, is he going home with me? And he's like, oh, there's mine.

And I was like, oh, no. Oh, thank God. And he's like, oh, there's mine. And I was like, oh, no. Oh, thank God. He's also just leaving. Oh, thank God. Yeah. And then he said he was a DJ. And I was very confused because you work in loud music. Why do you whisper?

He lets the music speak for him. Maybe, maybe. God, I hated dating because it felt like just spinning plates to amuse myself. Yeah. For the most part. You spend a lot of time being like, this person's boring, so I'll do this to make it more interesting. Yeah. Not to sound like a total misanthrope, but most people are very boring and not very smart.

I don't think that makes you sound like anything other than a person who understands the world yeah everyone is kind of boring yeah i matched with this guy who so i'll show you but in my profile i'm holding a big old uh dildo um Can't wait to see. I've heard so much about this picture. It's a fun one. He said, so he, this is on Hinge. He liked it.

And then he said, what did Barney do to you? So I said, what? He said, either that's way more dinosaur than man, or you're going to be horribly disappointed. I think we both know it's the latter.

So I said, I love how men are so insecure about their dick size, like off the bat it's sad and he goes you're not wrong in all honesty i was more insecure about making you laugh slash thinking i was interesting confidence isn't high right now as i'm recently out of a two and a half year relationship instead i face planted on a terrible joke i'm sorry then i said no, I was too harsh. Then he goes, no, it was fair, especially in the context of the onslaught of assholes that preceded me slash my comment. I was like, well, friend, we got off to a terrible start. Then he said, what are you talking about?

You learned I can admit when I'm wrong and be vulnerable. And I learned you're willing to see where someone else is coming from and you won't stand for BS. Plus, you must think I'm a little cute. And I was like, this is you got so much out of that exchange. It feels so performative. Like he's trying so hard to show you he's not like everyone else. Yes. I don't know if I trust it.

I don't trust him at all. And I it went on for a little bit. He's like he's kind of hitting all the right notes in a way that's a little creepy oh yeah like someone is coaching him through this exchange yeah and then he like asked you what i was into and then i like talked for a little bit and then i was like i can't just text this person paragraphs on paragraphs on paragraph yeah like go out if you're gonna like if you are interested in me, go out with me.

Because we had like several exchanges over like four or five days. And I was like, yes. Shit it, get off the pot. Like seven days. Yeah. Shit in me or get off. That's right.

Put your ass up to my ass. Or get off my pot. And shit in my ass. That's what I like to do on a first date. Yeah. I like to do a poop transplant to see if your poop makes me feel good to see if you're down to get to down to cloud yeah i keep having these exchanges with people where they're just it's strange i'll read you another one okay this one was on tinder also i put up a new tinder picture and it's been getting

a lot of traction uh it's just because my big old butt's out okay so this man said so i cannot say so i can't not say hello even though we matched on ok cupid months ago and i embarrassed myself by not specifically knowing what a period is and i don't remember our conversation wait a period yeah i guess he didn't know a period like a lady's period okay which is strange not great and not okay because he's a grown man and since then i become a fan of your podcast oh and also have dreams but not that much money and a tiny little dick that looks very funny on my big hairy body. What up, what up? So I said, this is a lot of information.

This is not going to work. Oh, he said, yeah, that's true. I guess I could have just started with what up, what up? I said, yep. Then he said, sorry to bother you. Maybe I'll learn from this and not open with my lack of ambition and silly little penis next time i try to chat somebody up i said can i read this on my podcast and then i said also do you want to get a drink i'm out of town till the 11th because i was like

oh it's nice i don't know you listen to my podcast you like me you You swung. Why not? The worst thing that happens is, you know, maybe we don't get along. And he was like, uh, sure. Also, yes. And then he said, assuming you mean after the 11th, to reiterate, I cannot afford to meet anywhere out of town. And I was like, yeah, after the 11th when I'm back, he's like, I know I just made a dumb joke. And I was like, why won't you learn from you?

He's going to be worse in person. We already cleared this up. Why did you make a joke about not having money again? Are you going to go out? Well, I didn't text him when I got back on the 11th. I mean, maybe it's good to know this stuff up front. He is a tiny little dick. That's very silly.

Maybe that's not what you're looking for i mean it i i i myself don't care about size but perhaps you do and that's that's okay i do care about size ish but if i like meet someone and they're like sweet and they make their perfect feel good other than that yeah and it's like we can go shopping for a bigger dick. You can use that big old dildo in that photo. Yes, or anything. I joke a lot about how size matters a lot. And it's like in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. It's mostly a joke.

But I think men really can't get past that being a joke. You know, when they're like, she said she wants a big one. I don't have a big one. I got to just say it out loud that I don't have a big one. Men get scary with that stuff. Like, didn't the Golden State Killer

have a tiny little penis? It's like, yeah, things probably start with that. And then he just kind of spun out. No, I have no idea. He's like, I got a little dick and I got to start murdering. It's hard not to connect those things.

I mean, I don't think you're not wrong wait lisa we gotta take a break we're back i love your abrupt breaks they just come out of nowhere it's shocking every time i've never done that oh we're having fun okay lisa tell me about your worst dating experience um my worst that is hard to say because there have been so many bad ones there was one one guy, oh God, I just, I feel bad. But he, I went on a date with him because he said he was like a puppeteer. And I was like, that seems cool.

And then when we went on a date, I was like, that is not cool. That's creepy. And he was really, really short. He lied about his height. Oh no. I don't mind short guys. I think they, I've had crushes on short guys.

It's fine, but don't lie. Yeah. That's weird. What else are you going to lie about? Yeah. And then he had tiny, tiny little brown teeth. on short guys it's fine but don't lie yeah that's weird what else are you gonna lie about yeah and then he had tiny tiny little brown teeth oh no and he was a puppeteer i was just like oh he was like a puppet himself yeah he went on a date with a puppet i didn't fuck him um good i don't think you could fuck anybody with a little brown teeth I couldn't

do they look like little brown sugar cubes tiny tiny little chicklets yeah a puppeteer honestly I understand why you went out with a puppeteer I just thought oh he's creative he'll understand because it was so hard to find a guy who understood what I do

and like wasn't weird about me having my own little interests and hobbies that don't have anything to do with him. Guys are weird about that sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't really dated too many normies. Civilians.

Civilians. It is funny that we call them civilians. It's very funny. Just like normal people. But the more I do date them i'm like but like what do you do like yeah what else what do you do what do you do when you go home at night yeah and then i like do a lot of things and i think it's overwhelming for some like this one dude um we matched on on an app and we were talking and then he's like when are you free and i was like this week i only have tuesday he's like i work on tuesdays and i was like okay i'm truly not free honestly until december 3rd and he was like wow

and i was like yeah i'm that's yeah that's Like, that's my schedule's really, really wild right now. Like, every weekend this month I've been out of town, which is a little taxing. But it's been really exhilarating. I've gotten to do my hour in front of people who, like, are happy to come to shows. Because for a while I'd be at clubs and it'd be people who'd be like,

I don't know, let's go see a comedian this weekend. And they didn't know who I was. And I think, I usually have a gay opener or a female opener, and I think when they sit in, they're like, ugh, a white gay man, I can deal with this. No, this black lady's talking. She's talking too much about her pussy. And she's very liberal, I don deal with this. No, this black lady's talking. She's talking too much about her pussy.

She's very liberal. I don't like this. And I get a lot of people who get uncomfortable and heckle. But now things are good. People are coming to see you. Yes. Yes. I was just in D.C. and that was really great.

And then I was in Vermont and that was great. Except for one show in Vermont, it had snowed. And I think nobody had left their house. So everyone started drinking oh no because several people just dropped glasses like glasses were breaking everywhere and then somebody tore down the partition between the urinals in the men's room and then someone like passed out in the bathroom and I was like Vermont is wild but I had a great time. How was your Thanksgiving? I'm going to ask everybody. My Thanksgiving?

Yeah. It was good. I stayed in LA. Why did you say that? You were like, what, Thanksgiving? What do you mean? What did you hear? I didn't do anything on Thanksgiving.

I ate. I did nothing. Why am I acting like I murdered someone? No, I just stayed in town and I went out to Chinese food with my brother. Oh, that's nice. It was very chill. Oh, your brother lives out here? Yeah.

Oh, how old is he? He's four years older than me. Is he single? No, he's not. I'm always trying to get into friends' families. Oh, my God. I'm like, can I have your brother? I love his girlfriend so much, but if you were like my sister-in-law, it would be amazing.

We would have the most fun together. Okay, so 10 years. Yeah. Thank God. I hope I'm never single again. Honestly, it's a journey that i wish on nobody it was so hard for me to find guys who would even date me really yes i i mean i think that's so weird and they just i got friend zoned so much like god and i just like i couldn't find anyone who wanted to fuck me it was crazy I had like a seven year dry spell.

Like I just. Seven years. Like I would go on dates, but they just never really went anywhere. Like I just didn't have a boyfriend for that long. Oh, so you didn't have a boyfriend. No, I had sex a little bit. But it was always crazy. How so?

There was one guy. How so? There was one guy. He was actually really nice. I met him at a party. I was going upstairs and he was coming down and we got in each other's way and then we were like, ha, ha, ha.

I was like, oh, this is cute. And then we were having sex and he had a panic attack and he just started sweating so much that it was like water was just pouring onto me and he said it was because

he was sad about his ex-girlfriend oh no and then we tried again and the same thing happened and it was just like oh no that man i'm so sad that happened to you. I know. I can't imagine a man giving me a body shower and saying. Of his own sweat. Of his own sweat saying, I'm sad about my ex-girlfriend. I'm so sad Jenny dumped me. I'm like, well, I'm. He said her name? Yes.

And then I saw his apartment and it just looked like a hurricane had like hit it. It was just everything. A mattress on the floor floor just stuff all over like the worst is when you go to a man's house and the mattress is like on the floor and they don't have furniture yeah and like there's a big bottle of lotion that's

like you went out with me you didn't think that maybe I'd come back here yeah you could at least pretend that you have your shit together? Your weird, stinky man cave where you masturbate a lot. I mean, it's fine. That's fine. But just clean it up a little.

I can't talk. My room is despicable right now. But it's specifically because I keep going in and out of town. I'm tired. You're busy. I am. I am tired. You're busy. I am. I am a little busy beaver. But hopefully December's a little less busy.

Can I ask you a question about animation? Animation takes a very long time, yes? Yeah, it does. Do you draw everything? How does that work? I'm not an animator. I just, I help design stuff. So I'm like, it should look like this

and it should be this color. And then the animators take it and they make it move. And that takes way more work. That's wild. Yeah. And then we do retakes, which is when you get the animation back and you're like, that looks weird. Do it again. And then they redo it.

It takes a long time. That's wild. Did you always know that you wanted to do cartoons? No. You were doing comic books first. Yeah. And for a while I thought I'd be like a photographer or like a painter in galleries, but that didn't really work out. So, yeah, I kind of just fell into it.

Being a painter who sells paintings, to me I'm like, how? Yeah. How do you make a living from that? I'll tell you. Paintings are expensive. They're really expensive. I got an interior decorator because I'm tired of living in an empty house. I did okay this year, so I was like, okay, Nicole, you can spend the money to decorate your house.

Your house is amazing. Because I am crazy with money. Thank you. You have to come back over when it gets warm. Yes. Or when I get a table and we can have a dinner party. But she had sent me this painting that I

loved. And I don't get prices when she picks out things. So I'll just get a board and I'll go, oh, I like this. I don't like this. And then she sent me this one painting that I love because I said I wanted black art. And she found this beautiful painting of this black woman with these colors and it's rich and it's gorgeous and then I get

the proposal and it was four thousand dollars oh four thousand dollars yes that's not that much are you really that's nothing that is absolutely nothing no this I thought you were gonna say forty thousand forty like they're I've tried to buy i was trying to look up like how much photographs cost from like a well-known photographer and it's like 25 000 for a photograph which you can reproduce but i guess they're like a limited edition a painting like that 4 000 is not much i had no idea yeah artwork is really expensive that's crazy to me. I don't sell things for that much, but I sell paintings for over $2,000 sometimes. Well, I guess it is your time. It's your effort.

Yeah, it takes a lot of time. Yeah, I mean, I guess, you know what? It's the same thing as doing a stand-up show. You want to make your guarantee, and then if you sell out, get your bonuses or whatever but i a good painting will take like a week to make at least and it was a really cute painting i just can't fathom walking past and being like that is four thousand dollars yeah and i can't use it for anything art collecting is really bougie yeah it's like get into that when I have money to burn. It's very much a luxury purchase. Yeah, but for right now,

I was like, table, chairs, these things I need. Yeah. Can you get like a grand piano? Because that'll class up the joint. I do want a baby. I want a purple baby grand piano. Oh, fuck yeah.

Get it. And I think that'll cost like $40,000. It'll be so much money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I get a job next year, a steady series regular job, that's my, I think, my gift to myself. Fuck yeah. Baby, a purple baby grand piano. With like the Prince symbol on it.

Yeah, imagine I just get Prince's piano. I mean, that would be wild. Yeah. Hold on. I'm going to read you some more. Actually, I'm going to have you go through my Tinder. Let's see. I'm excited to finally see some of these pictures I've heard described on the podcast.

And everyone will be happy to know. Oh, I stopped doing it because I wasn't changing it as often. And people were like, it's getting stagnant. It's the best part of the podcast where you just describe images. This is cute. You're crouched next to like a Barbie car. That's great. You look fun.

Thank you. That was my green room of a show. You look sassy. Okay, here you've got a great wig. Oh, there's a dildo. Yeah, baby. This picture's cute. Thank you.

Are men like upset by this or are they okay with it? Some men. Well, the best messages I get are, your shirt is looking at what's in your hand, and it looks excited or whatever. And then I always respond with, yeah, it's a monster shirt looking at a monster dick. And they go, oh, okay.

And then we move on. It looks like the dick belongs to the shirt somehow. Yeah, that's my dick. with yeah it's a monster shirt looking at a monster dick and they go oh okay and then we move on it looks like the dick belongs to the shirt somehow yeah that's my dick that's my dick and it's right by my face but uh or like this is my dinner uh but like when men harp on it, like that dude who like kept saying he had a tiny dick. Yeah. It's like, okay, let's move on. If you can't get past it, then I don't think I can go out with you. Yeah.

That's like my barometer. And that's why after I think I've done 50 episodes of this podcast and most people are like, take it down. I'm like, I don't think I can because it's a good barometer. Yeah. I mean, I almost would just because it might turn someone off at the first. But then it's like, why? If they can't, then I don't want to, we wouldn't want to be with that person. If like my big old dildo turns you off, like buckle the fuck up if you ever come to a show.

Like you're going to be so upset by everything i do yeah i mean it's like relationships involve compromise and whatever blah blah blah but you shouldn't have to change yourself or like tamp down on your own personality i can't do it anymore i gotta be me oh you're very cute in this next picture you look you. You look like a present. You've got a white bow in your hair. This one's very festive. And a tiger on your shirt. The next one, you have a fun drink. Yes, yes, yes.

Everyone knows I drank and I like to have fun. Very cute. Nice makeup. Oh, this one, I can see your butt. Yes, I'm on all fours on a bed in a sex shop. This one, you're climbing a bookcase. Oh, that one. Zoops.

You haven't gotten to the other one where I'm bent over yet. This is hot. The bookcase one was for just so you could see the body. Yada, yada. Yeah, yeah. I never want to meet somebody and have them look disappointed when I walk in the room. And they're like, oh, she's bigger than I thought. So it's like, this is all out there.

This is it. Yeah, I used to be bigger back about like 10 years ago and that happened to me once on a date where a guy kind of looked down and was disappointed and it was the worst feeling. It's just like, fuck you. You feel like shit. Fuck you.

So it's just like, put it out there. You can't make me feel bad about me if I've already shown you what I look like. Plus you look hot. Thank you. This one's the one with your dog. Oh, Clyde. He'll eat your face and then ask to be your friend. Hey, I've met Clyde.

He's very cute. Oh, here's the one where you're on all fours. Yes. With the stripy shirt. Yes. The picture's getting a lot of traction. Your butt looks great in it. Thank you.

Oh my God. My butt is maybe my favorite body part. That's good. I have mixed feelings about my butt. It's good to like- You got a good butt. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Okay, here's the thing when i go to the gym i you know you look around because you're like i don't want to be here and i'm in hell i truly i'm in hell i need something to get through this oh a person okay they have a nice butt i think my general consensus is most people have nice butts yeah i love butts every now and again you'll be like hmm that, that's an inverted butt. That's a weird butt. But for the most part, butts are good and butts are nice. I like big butts.

I do like a big butt. I like drawing them. It's fun. I follow this lady on Instagram. Her name is Persian Batty. She may have changed it. I don't know. But she has the biggest butt I've ever seen. I gotta follow this.

And Opski's. It's surgically enhanced. And sometimes I'm worried that she's gonna like fall and like break in half. Oh my God. Because it's so big. But yeah, I'll send you a... I gotta follow this butt. I'll send you a... I gotta follow this butt. I'll send you her Instagram.

I feel like a lot of guys like a big butt. And they just like... A lot of them are too basic to admit it or something. Or like they're worried that their dude friends will be like, What? You like big butts? Well, that's like, I love my curvy wife. Do you remember that, man? I feel like I mentioned him a couple times.

I'm obsessed with that. I'm obsessed with that whole thing. I love to just say it. I love to just say, I love my curvy wife. I love my curvy wife. About everything. I follow her.

She wasn't even big. She's maybe a size eight or 10. Yeah. Because I, I was like. She just had like perfect curvy, like hourglass proportions. Yes.

There was nothing. There was nothing bad about her. And then just the fact that he called her his curvy wife i love it i love my curvy wife i was talking to adam about it the other day and he was like i think some people were like too hard on him i was like really why he's like well because because some men like don't realize that they can be proud about liking larger women and so it was like kind of normalizing that a little bit i was like

yeah but but she she wasn't i okay if you're gonna say i love my curvy wife bitch better look like a snowman like i want her to be just like blah blah blah blah like i want her to be big it was the implication was like i know you think she's disgusting but just but like i like to stick my dick in her and i'm brave yeah i follow her on instagram or i have like a picture of her safe so i can like go find her easy and i'm like what this she all she does is like she models clothes yeah and then she's got like a link to this site where it tells you where to get them and i'm like you literally are a size 10 yeah that's not that curvy no the average woman is was a 14 and now she's a 16

because people be getting bigger in the midwest they are the ones who are, you know, jacking that up. Yeah, I just, if my significant other or my partner called me his curvy wife, I would be like, you got to get a fucking grip. Don't call me your curvy wife. I mean, they both just seem like the corniest people in the world. Just very corny. How do you feel about public declarations of love? Kind of icky, but I think, I mean, Adam and I do it occasionally.

Like on our anniversary, sometimes we'll make like a cheesy Instagram post. But I feel like for the most part, I try to keep it private. I don't like to do, like we've been asked to do like podcasts together about our relationship and I'm a little like nah I don't I just don't want to jinx it yeah I do feel like it'd be a little jinxy and then also it's like what happens if you like uncover something that you don't like about each other during the podcast yeah or like to go home and talk about it. I know. I don't think we really have many secrets, but yeah, I don't know.

I also wouldn't want to give relationship advice because I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know. It's all just a crapshoot. When did you and Adam move in together? I moved to Brooklyn and he wanted me to move in with him right away. And I was like, no, no, no.

That seems like too big of a step because I just moved to the same city as you. So let's just see how it goes. And then a year later, I moved in with him. Oh, OK. And then when did you decide to be exclusive? Was there a talk or did it just happen? We kind of said, well, Adam was sort of joking, like, you know, the moment you move to Brooklyn, you're my girlfriend, right?

And I was like, yeah, okay. So that was pretty much it. Oh, how sweet. Yeah. How simple. How nice. He did do this thing. He's going to hate that I'm talking about this.

Right before I was going to move to Brooklyn, he did this thing for Marie Claire magazine online where he went on a date with another girl and they both live tweeted the date. And I thought it was really fun and I was watching along and stuff. And then at some point they were like, OK, logging off now. And then I like texted him like, haha, how's it going? And I didn't get a response back. And it was because they were making out.

Oh, no. And I lost my mind. mind i was like you are like because he was going to fly to san francisco and then we were going to drive across the country together when i moved to brooklyn and i was like you're coming here in three days you're going to be my boyfriend or whatever and you're just you just want to have your cake and eat it too and you're selfish and he was like oh my god you're right. And he was like so apologetic that I think it kind of helped like be like, you're never doing this to me ever again. Interesting. Specifically because I don't fault him.

No. Because. I didn't say I totally I totally encouraged him to do this thing. Yeah. I was like, yeah, it's fun. It's cute. Whatever. I would have done the same thing.

Yeah. And then. And I was trying to be a cool girl, too. Like, whatever. Yeah. We're not dating yet. Have fun. And then as soon as it happened, I was like, no. you whatever i've done the same thing yeah and then and i was trying to be a cool girl too like whatever yeah we're not dating yet have fun and then as soon as it happened i was like no it is so hard to remain chill but um i don't think i'm a polyamorous type person i don't think i am either but then also maybe it's a very hard thing that i'm trying to deal with but i would i would have done the same thing you did encourage Encourage him to do it.

Yeah. And then when he made out with the person, been very upset. Yeah. But then had to be like, well, I encourage you to do that. You were also live tweeting a date,

which being on a date, if it goes well, you already have like endorphins and you're like on a little bit of a high. Totally. So then you're also live tweeting it, which like adds to it. And you're like, there's like a performative.

Cool. Yeah, totally. Of course we're going to make out. Absolutely. And then of course you're also live tweeting it which like adds to it and you're like there's like a performative cool yeah totally of course we're gonna make out absolutely of course you're gonna be like nah yeah wait what about me me i want it make out with me i almost called the whole thing off like fuck it we're not gonna date this is terrible and then i actually like talked to my mom about it she was like just tell him how you feel and i did and it was fine isn't that insane just communicate if you just tell someone how you feel 90 of the time it is fine it's fine and they're like oh okay i won't do that again i won't do that i won't hurt you on purpose i'll do what you asked me to do it's's insane. It's like the biggest lesson I had to learn while dating. Because Adam was already good at that. And I sucked at it. So he kind of taught me.

I'm not the greatest communicator until it boils to a point where I'm like. Yeah, I'm real quiet until I explode. It's not great. Except I ran into this guy that I was, I mentioned it in an earlier episode. I ran into this guy that I had been on like a couple dates with and then I ran into him on another date with somebody else. And at the time I was like,

I hate this. It's right in front of me. Wait, was it that guy who like kind of ghosted you? No. This is a different guy. I'm always getting ghosted. But no. So we.

Gotta stop dating ghosts. I know. But it's so hard. Casper's so hot. They're so hot. I love a good ghost. I love how cold they are. Did they come in me or not?

I don't know. It'll be fun to find later so i ran into him was like pretty chill in the moment and then got a little upset but then i was like but i'm also dating other people whatever and then i sent him a very calm adult text message the next day when i had actually thought about it and was like it's okay we're both dating other people I'm still down to go out if you're still down to go out and he was just like I know it's a bad luck uh I apologize for that oh I would love to go out with you again uh you beat me to it but yeah it's great and I was like okay we had a very adult response to what happened yeah and I was like in okay. We had a very adult response to what happened.

Yeah, and I was like, in the moment, if I had texted him the night of, it would have been something crazy. It would have been nuts. How dare you? And it's just like, you know. You know, you haven't had any sort of discussion about anything.

Also, it's fine. Yeah. You're okay. Yeah. It's been a real learning experience. And I think talking about it as much as I have been talking about it has been very helpful. Oh, this podcast has been therapeutic for you? Kind of.

Because then I'll like bring things up with my therapist and she'll be like, okay, let's unpack that. And I'm'm like all right mary uh but like also just hearing other people being like oh i had the same reaction as you to that or like i don't think that reaction's uh abnormal is like ah okay yeah we're all in this together we're not all i'm not crazy yeah you're not crazy lisa thank you sometimes i feel insane um how let's see how many long-term relationships have you been in uh i had a high school boyfriend that was like on and off for years he was an asshole and like, yeah, he was just nuts.

He did not treat me very well, but that's okay. I learned a lot. And then that's pretty much it. Like the only, the longest one aside from him and Adam was like four months. I'm always confused as to how serial monogamists can be serial like I've got a couple of friends who've gotten out of relationships and within like what seems like weeks

or a month they're already like in a full blown relationship with someone that they're saying I love you to that's crazy and I'm like how how are you doing this one how are you doing this? One, how are you finding these men to trick?

Two, how have you opened your heart so quickly? Yeah. Maybe they just hate being alone. Maybe. And I don't hate being alone. I kind of love it. I like being alone. I like having my time to myself. I definitely get lonely, but it feels kind of fun to get lonely, like to just kind of sit in a room and work on art or whatever.

I get lonely when I'm on the road. Oh, yeah. Because you're like, truly, I don't know a soul. I don't know how people move to new cities. Yeah. Like that's very scary. Yeah. But then I guess you have a job and then you can make friends with your co-workers.

But co-workers. Yeah. Aren't fun sometimes. Sometimes not. I used to work at this store called Lane Bryant and all the girls there. They like, they call me weird. They're like, oh, Nicole's so weird. And I just kept trying so hard to make them my friends.

And they were just like, we don't want it. Why? Because you were funnier than they were? Well, because they played the same CD every day with like 11 or 12 songs, maybe 20 songs. So like if you worked an eight hour shift, it would repeat itself. Wow. Hellish. Yes.

So there was this one song that came on. It was Scissor Sisters' Don't Feel Like Dancing. So I would drop whatever I was doing and I would dance. I would dance in the aisles and I would just dance. And all the girls were like, she's so weird. What? You're fun. And then after like a month, because we would have the CD for like three months, after like

a couple months, the CD changed and I picked a new song to dance to. They would start dancing. Uh-huh. And they'd be like, this is fun. And I was like, yeah. Duh. Yeah.

God. Why couldn't you, like, just join in. Have a time. I can't handle people who don't want to like play the game with you,

you know, that like, yes and me. Just kidding. I mean, yes and me. I don't like feeling like I'm up on a stage

like just trying to like entertain and people are just watching me. Yes. Just come up with me. I don't like feeling like I'm up on a stage just trying to entertain and people are just watching me. Yes. Just come up with me. I don't know. I'm not even that outgoing, but just life is stupid and weird and funny. Right? Just have a good time.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll dance in Target. Sometimes I'll put on a hot dog costume and target and dance around why the fuck not i just like to giggle i feel like life is so long it's so long that like we should spend as much time giggling and teeheehing as possible i agree but that's just me. We've come almost to the end. Lisa? Yes? Would you date me?

No, because I'm in a relationship and I think I'm mostly straight. But yeah, if I was single, I'd give it a go. Why not? Yay! That's what I like. But, yeah, if I was single, I'd give it a go. Why not? Yeah! That's what I like. I always like a no that then turns into a yes! I just said no flat with no explanation. Absolutely not.

I'm waiting for someone to just go, no. No. And then never say another word. And then I go, okay, guess the we're at the end um well uh that was fun lisa i think you're you want to oh i just think you're a glittering gem and so unique and i just i hope you meet a guy who even like remotely deserves you oh Oh, thank you. Not to like stick my tongue all the way up your ass, but you're just great. I like your tongue right in my ass. It makes me feel good.

I've never eaten ass before. You've never? No. Should I try it? Yes. Wait. You've never eaten Adam's butt? No.

In 10 years? No. And he's never asked? Has he eaten your butt? But you've never eaten his butt? You should eat his butt tonight. Okay. Or just ask.

Ask first. He might not want his butt eat. But like he might want his butt eat. I'm sure he'd probably be down to try. I think you should eat his butt. He's very open-minded. Here's what you should do. Okay.

Okay. Get him right on his back. Yeah. Spread them little leggies. Do you do any prep? What do you- Well, have him wash his butt. Yeah, okay.

Sometimes boys are dirty. I know. Have him wash his butt. Okay. Okay. Get him on his back. Lay him down. And get to that little butthole.

Lick that little butthole and jerk him off. Oh, okay. He'll cum real hard. Or he won't because he's like, I don't like it. Yeah. I don't know. But I think you got to do it. Sorry. I'm trying to find a dirty thing.

Oh, a comment. Because I asked people to send me dirty things. Marissa will end this out and it will be great. Okay. Lisa, do you have anything that you want to promote? Other than that you're gonna eat your your man's butt tonight i'm gonna be eating some butt tonight so if you all want to come watch that we'll be live streaming it imagine tune into periscope we're not very open about our relationship

pda but this is the time this is the time where everything changes yeah I love it well here's what you're gonna promote uh BoJack just started streaming again on Netflix that's right season season five and then you guys got renewed for season six yeah which is exciting working on that now and then Tuca and Birdie is gonna come out next year and Nicole Byer's in it. Yes. Holy shit. And it's very exciting. Honestly, one of the most fun, just you guys set up a really great environment from like the table reads to like the actual recordings. That's so nice to hear.

And you've made me comfortable with my bad singing. You were good. I was so surprised that you said you don't sing cause you sounded great. I think you're lying to me, but you're so cute in that musical. It's fantastic. every time you're really yeah it's so good i cannot wait your scripts were so funny oh thank you they're so funny it was so much fun um if you like my podcast please subscribe or follow i don't know i'll figure out how to listen to it and if you send me a nasty little message i will read it um this person it was a nice little dm on instagram said hi nicole

i love you so much i would chop your pussy lips off them. I'm so shocked already. Fry them with some olive oil and eat them with sweet Thai chili sauce. Oh my God. That's so specific. It's very specific and also horrific. I don't mind that you sent that to me. But if you chop my pussy lips off, you're going to kill me. You don't come back from that. No. All right. Well, thank you, Lisa. Thank you chop my pussy lips off, you're gonna kill me. Like, there's, you don't come back from that.

No. All right. Well, thank you, Lisa. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. Toodle-oo. Ooh, ooh.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.