Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Ghosting, Gaslighting, and Gay Bars (w/ Roz Hernandez)

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

For Roz Hernandez, dating as a sober, trans woman comedian is a trifecta of difficulty - and finding love hasn’t been easy. She tells Nicole about going to 4 different Etsy psychics to sketch her future husband, using Grindr to find dates willing to explore haunted places, and the hookup stories that came from visiting 45 gay bars across the country. She opens up about the surprising ways gay men have treated her, why she’s stopped dating straight men altogether, and the many times she’s been ghosted - in love and in life. Nicole shares why she loves her boyfriend so much, and the two dive into what might really be behind the male loneliness epidemic.Get tickets to Roz Hernandez's tour at RozHernandezTour.comWatch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Betterhelp: Visit Betterhelp.com/DATEME today to get 10% off your first month.» Wayfair: Every Style, Every Home.» Mint Mobile: This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/DATEME.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. My Grindr says straight men creep me out because there's a lot of straight identifying men on Grindr. Yeah. And the conversations I get in with people, these blank profiles that'll be like, what the fuck is wrong with straight men?

Why do you think we're creepy? They're on Grindr as a straight man, messaging you being like, what's wrong with straight men? Yeah. Yeah. I would be like, this whole interaction's what's wrong with you.

Yes, and this is creepy. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Oh, baby. Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, me, Nicole Byer, has been trying to figure out why I was so single,

even though you could come in my hair and tell me it was a barrette, my guest today. Wait, that's a crusty. How does that turn into a barrette? It just made me gel. It stays there for a very long time. And I go, what is this crust? And he goes, it's a barrette. And you just believe that.

And I believe it. Yes. Good for you. Yes. Like me happy. God, I want to be you. My guest today is a very funny comedian and expert on all things paranormal. She's the host of the podcast, Ghosted, that I've done an episode or two.

Two. And you can now see her tour across America. I'm so excited. We're going to pretend that you've never been on the podcast before. Yes. So I'm excited for that very first time to have Roz Hernandez. Oh, my God. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

I'm so excited to talk to you. I'm excited you're here. I adore you. I think you're so wonderful and funny. Thank you. We were talking before we started recording about your show that used to be at the improv. And I would do it a lot. Yeah, you would.

So much. You were so nice to do it. I was like, I'll do it. I'll try out something new. Yeah. I've paid some dues. I've been in this town since. right when they first had sound in film

and I've, yeah, there was a moment where I was a drag queen that had a show at a comedy club. It was Roz Dresfeles. Ross Dresfeles was my drag name. Did not understand that. Well, you know, Dresfeles is not a real human last name. No, I know.

So sometimes people would really, you know, get it confused. That was a big part of why I stopped going by that name. Every time I was on flyers and stuff, they would spell it wrong. Because I would spell D-R-E-Z-F-A-L-E-Z. What was I thinking?

It's a good pun. Is it a pun? It's not even a pun. It's just like... Oh, I guess it's not a pun. Yeah, it's just like if you're a super drug... Dres-F-L-L-E-L-I-I-I- know. I like it.

Once I understood it, I was like, very funny. But then it became this thing where people would send me photos every time they were at Ross dressed. And I'm like, that's not even why I chose. Like, what was I thinking? I don't know. You know, I've lived, I've made some mistakes in my life. That is a thing about people when they're like, oh, a thing.

I know this person for a thing. So, like, in college, I liked Hello Kitty. I liked Hello Kitty. Oh, now you're the Hello Kitty girl. So then everybody sent me Hello Kitty shit. And I still like Hello Kitty. No shade to Hello Kitty. But I was like, I don't need all this Hello Kitty.

Wait, you moved to Los Angeles the summer. before your senior year in high school. I didn't know that. Yes. With your family or alone? 1924. By myself, yes. Wait, really?

Yes, I did. I instantly became a drug addict. That's not funny, but you laughed. Ten years sober. Teddy are sober now. Wait. Really? Yeah.

So you moved here alone and then you were like, yum, yum, yum drugs. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Drugs and alcohol. baby. Can I ask what your drug of choice was? Is this too deeply personal? No, it's fine. Um, alcohol was my main thing, uh, because it was the easiest for me to get. But I tried a few different, few different things, you know, coke and... I love cocaine. One, two, I fully understand

how people become addicted to drugs because when I broke my ankle... Oh, that'll get you. Yeah. It really is wild. My doctor was like, okay, take it as prescribed for a week. And then after a week, take it just so you can sleep at night without discomfort. But also remember, there's a rod in your leg. That hurts. And I was like, yeah. And I remember after that week, because I was taking it like morning, afternoon, night. And I remember the first week, I stopped taking it in the morning.

I was like, hmm, I need my pills. And I was like, oh, my God, this is how it happens. Yes. And you can also tell yourself, like, well, I'm going on a podcast today. I might be a little discomfort. So I might, you know, do a couple shots before or I just want my little pills. It's wild. I want to go back to what you were saying about the Hello Kitty thing.

Oh, yeah. Because like when you did the intro, which I understand, I get this all the time, that I'm an expert on the paranormal. Yes. Okay. I am really trying to clear this up because, and I understand, okay, I'm a bitch with very dark got got got crystals on. not helping myself much. But here's the thing. I am just like some dumb bitch that is a comedian that chose a podcast.

Remember like when you started that, when I started like, there was an era where it was like, you got to have a theme. Yes. Dating. Yes. Murder, whatever it is. And I was like, ghost. Like I like talking.

I was just like some comedian. Yes. So then, now it's been eight years or so. I forget how long it's been that I've been doing this podcast every week about ghosts. Then I got this ghost hunting TV show on Hulu, and now people are like, I'm like the expert on goat. And I'm like, just so everyone knows. I do ha-ha-hihis. After this, I'm doing something where they're asking me, the whole theme of it is like, what happens when we die?

And I'm like, bitch, I've got on stage. I don't know. Like, I... But what do you think happens when we die? I really don't know. I think that sometimes you can end up being like an invisible dead person that lingers around a ghost. I think it's possible. I think it's possible.

But I'm very skeptical of all of it. Even times I've had these things happen to me. I'm like, well, I'm a recovering drug addict. The brain might be a little fried And that might be why I'm hearing things And seeing in things I do believe in like spirits and stuff I do

I do believe that you've like angels around you and shit But also I'm like so fucking online That like you know Tricia Paitis Do I? Every time she's had a child Somebody has died Yes Who's her recent baby?

The recent one was Hulk Hogan Her baby was born the same day as Hulk Hogan. She named that baby Aquaman. Or no, no, no, it wasn't Hulk Hogan. It was Black Sabbath, Eddie, oh, Ozzy Osbourne. Eddie Osbourne. Sorry, the whites confuse me.

But it was Ozzy Osbourne. She named her child Aquaman. And then Jason Mamoa, Aquaman, I believe, was like doing something at Ozzy Osbourne's last concert. So I do believe she has some sort of portal. She's got a portal pussy. But then I heard she got her tubes tied. And I was like, no.

we need you for the big one, you know, when our... Oh, yeah, that one. That man who's... That man. Who's like, wow. Yeah, no, I know about that guy. I just want to get in trouble for saying it, you know? No, I have flights on the schedule right now.

I can't. Yeah, truly. That's also scaring me. I've talked about this so many times on podcast, but the plane's falling out of the sky. Bitch, I have flight so much. Same. They are all delayed lately. Has this happened to you?

They're all delayed or they're leaving early. Something's been, it's been so bad. So I'm doing this tour right now where I'm driving to 45 gay bars in America. Why not 50? There's 50 states. Because. And we have territories. Okay.

45 is a lot. So you need to really stop sounding like my comment section. I, I, I reached out to 100. I'm not even kidding you. I reach it. Believe it or not, trying to get a hold of gay bars in the middle of the country is not the easiest task. No. I did some private investigative work. I literally was like going to flyers like that of shows that they would do and I'd like click on drag queens and I would message them all and be like, who runs this place?

Who books this place? Like so hard. So I ended up with 45. That's the best I could get. I would have done more. That is a good number. I would have done more. I just flew in last night because I've been driving places, renting a car and then going for like a couple of weeks at a time.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And I will say renting a car is now my absolute favorite thing. Because you get to pick out the car. Yeah, but it's like it's reliable. You don't have to deal with flying. Yeah. I keep having the worst flying experiences the past few months.

It's not good. What is your airline of choice? American because it's... Yuck! Because... Yuck! What are you, Delta? I'm a Delta Diamond Diva.

First of all, that is... Delta people are so fucking arrogant. I know. I know. And I get it because Delta is typically really good. But they don't fly out of Burbank. No. And one place you're not going to get me is LAX.

I will not go to Burbank. I do not go to non-international airports because the people there are peasants. You're only flying. domestic, I don't want to walk amongst you. This is so Delta. This is Delta Diamond Diva behavior. I don't want to walk amongst people flying domestic.

Okay, well, I do. I'm a normal everyday person. I know. Most people don't have that issue. Wait, are you like hooking up on the road? Let's talk about those. You slam that can down. Because you brought up my love life.

I have. I've been dealing with nonstop shenanigans from, I'm still attracted to men. I'm sorry. I've tried. I've gone to witches. I have, I've done any kind of spiritual, anything. I mean, I'm, I don't want to go to, like, conversion therapy. I don't want to do something.

Imagine you did go to conversion therapy. Everything I can to stop being attracted to men. It's tough. And I want to date women bad. Why don't, maybe, have you just tried it and been like, later the attraction will happen? That's terrible. No, I can't do that to somebody. Yes, I know.

That's why it's bad at vice. I can't do that. That's not me. Maybe that's something you learned from Delta Airlines. Yeah, I learned it from the Delta One Sky Lounge. I don't, but I can't do that. I'm attracted to men, and I, see, I feel like I've heard you talk about this before. Like, haven't you had gay men that are, like, show interest in you?

Yes. And then it turns out. I brought a gay man all the way to my bed, and he looked at my pussy and said, I can't do this. And I said, get out. Yes. Now, that's a new thing for me. Oh. Where I keep meeting, would, granted, I am traveling to gay bars.

Yes. You know, here's the thing. I'm so, first of all, I'm so happy for you that you are in a relationship. Thank you. It ain't easy out there. No, it really isn't. And, you know, I'm trans, non-biased. I would love to think of myself as sort of in the category of female comedians.

Yes. And that's a hard, that's a hard dating job to have. You know, men. Don't find women funny. Yes. And there's a very, you're very powerful on stage. Now, there is a type of man that loves the Dom lady. Sure.

which I'm happy to be. I'm very Miss Piggy seeking Kermit. Like Miss Piggy domed that relationship. Like, you know, and that's very me. And so I like that. And so I do attract some men. But since I'm touring right now at gay bars, it's like, it's mainly my demographic is gay people and ladies with bangs. Like, that's who comes to see me.

It's not like single. men that are interested in me. Sure. But I do get gay men and I'm a retired gay man so I'm, so it's confusing for me because I'm like oh I used to sleep with people that look

like you. And they'll want to hang out with me and they'll start DMing with me and then I'm like okay and then it doesn't. It fizzles and they're

like, oh, I just wanted to be friends or something. Yeah, but you know what? Some of them will go so far. Uh-huh. And I don't want to be... Okay, this is so ugly. I'm sorry. That's very funny.

This is very ugly. That's very funny. Your swamp juice. It was green juice to give me energy. Some of them will go so far as to sending me nudes. saying what they want to do with me, whatever. Now, I just had a moment on the road for, I want to say close to two years, I had a man that I was quite positive, was gay, but he said he wasn't.

He said he's, you know, a little bit of everything. A little fluid, a little pansexual. Sure. Uh-huh. And he lived in one of these places. America that I wasn't necessarily planning on going. Sure. But I thought, you know what?

They have an amazing gay bar there and I want to see this guy because when else am I going to go there. So as I'm planning this tour, I decide to go make a visit there and I had, I planned it. So I had a couple of days off, stayed in a really nice, you know, play. I kind of splurged a little bit. You splurged on the hotel. You're pampering yourself. Long story short, I get there.

and he's kind of like, I'm not going to your hotel. And I was like, okay, like, we can go somewhere else. Like, we can meet. And then he's just like, I'm not fucking you. Like, just all this stuff that was very like, kind of, it felt gaslighty because. No, that is gaslighty to lead somebody on and to be flirting or whatever. Yeah. I look back at our messages just to be like, am I being a curve?

No, it's like, I can't wait till you come here. We're going to do this and that and, you know, whatever. And, yeah, long story short, basically, no, nothing happened. Did you, well, I mean, I was going to be like, did you ask him why? But, like, that's not your job. That's, that's so strange. Well, then I started being like, okay, well, let's just, like, hang out. Because I also was, like, come to my hotel because I don't know where anything is.

I don't know anything. And there's a pool, there's a bar. Yeah, we could have a nice time. It doesn't mean come to my hotel room. A hotel is a whole structure with other shit in it. Right. And I also, and I was like, I'll send an Uber for you because it was like in a not great parking area. He's like, I'm not kidding in a Uber.

And then I kind of realized like maybe it's like my big city like traveling all over the place all the time. Maybe he's just not used to like take. Why would he ever need to take an Uber maybe? Why does he, he probably doesn't go to hotels to meet someone in the bar? I don't know. That's fun. I know. I was just kind of like.

Venture. But okay, so I saw, the way I get information is funny. It's just aggregated to Instagram. This one was reading a New York Times article on Instagram where it was like the epidemic of like, it's like the male loneliness epidemic is really fueled by themselves because they'll go on dates with women or they'll speak to women and then a woman will go, I like you. The door is open. Would you like to walk?

through it and they go, no, but maybe later, not right now. I think you're really pretty. And it's just like this whole like push-pull thing where men are being like, I don't want to generalize, but a lot of men are just being like very wishy-washy or when they have an opportunity to be with a woman that they've shown interest in, they're going, no, I'd rather retreat. And it's like, you're doing this. You're making women very frustrated, but also you're alone because you can't.

You're, like, paralyzed by a choice. Yeah. Well, I blame everything on online porn. I think that since it's been around for so long now, it is really convinced people, but I think a lot of men, that you just, you look at someone, you see them, oh, that person's hot.

Eh, let's go to the next one. And then it's exasperated by, like, the apps. So it's like, oh, my God. You go through porn, you're like, I don't like that one. I don't like that one. Now on your phone, you're like, I don't like that one.

I don't like that one. I don't like, yeah, it's kind of wild. But I'm like, bitch, I came all the way out here. All the way here. And every time I have tried to make plans to meet up with a guy, and this has happened, I'm going to say minimum five times. It had same kind of thing. As soon as I get there, they're gone.

And I'm talking, even this guy, I told him that. I was like, every time I do this, the person flakes, he's like, I'm not going to do that. Let's hang it. I can't wait till we do this and do that. And then he did it. And then he did it. I would have screenshoted it, you know? And then as soon as he flakened, like, you said you weren't going to.

People are allowed to change their minds, but I just want to, I want to hold you accountable. Because I said to him, I would want to go home and see my dog because I had three days off. But I'll stay. And he's like, of course. And that's fucking annoying. Because you could have had a nice time with your dog. We ended up finally meeting one night late at night, and we met in a public place, which is, I was like, just so you know, I'm a trans lady meeting some stranger that lives in. Yeah, this is more dangerous for me.

Yes, because he made it kind of like, like, I'm some, like, I don't know what you're going to do to me. Like, it just made me feel like such a gross perv or like. I don't like that. I don't like it either. It made me feel really bad about myself. No, there's nothing wrong with you. That person was not right. That's not kind.

I know. I think it's one thing to, like, if you're talking to somebody long distance with no intentions of meeting them, state that. Say, I really like flirting. I like long distance. I like flirting. I don't really want anything in person right now. I also think that this guy's gay. I am quite positive that he's just a gay guy.

Then why are you talking to a trans woman sexually? I know. And that's one of the many problems I have. Another one, early in when I first was transitioning, I kind of went where the guys would lead me. And it was a lot of like men that were straight, you know, they lived their life, the straight men. And that was such a fucking nightmare.

To the point where now I have a rule that's like nobody that calls themselves straight. I mean, I don't really have much in common with straight men to begin with. I can't hold a damn conversation with a straight man. I just, that's just not my interest. And that's the thing with gay guys. I like hanging out with gay guys. Yeah, gay men are fun. And they're fucking hot. So, like, if you're going to start, whatever. But these straight men, I had this happen. Not one, not two, but three times. where we do our little thing and then I get a message

from an unknown number why are you in my man's phone and that kept happening and that was like that was just I'm done because I'm a girl's girl yeah that's wild and I would have these conversations

sometimes it would be back and forth where he's done this to me so many times oh my God how did you meet me? and like all this stuff when I'm like... Well, girlfriend, if he's done it so many times. I know. Some of these, I'm like...

You got to get out. Yeah, yeah. So there's that issue. And then it's also... So I try to stick to pansexual, bisexual, bisexual, love. That's sort of a sweet spot for me. However, a lot of times, those people from my experience

they'll give me the respect that I want, which I really appreciate because I don't feel like I get that from straight identifying men as much. I mean, listen, I don't want to generalize but for me, straight men, you're guilty until proven innocent. Okay?

Well, I mean, yeah, the majority of straight men are kind of the worst. Now, these pansexuals, They'll give me respect, but they're also often given 25 other people respect and two ferrets. They're into the polyamory. I saw a video that was like, why do all polyamorous people look the same? And I was like, that's not nice, but that's true. Here's my problem with them.

They love little creepy crawly critters. They all got a ferret and a corn snake. And I can't deal with that kind of thing. Oh, I don't, I'm a pretty traditional pet person. I like a dog. A dog, a cat. That's fine with me. I fucked a man with a lizard once.

That was weird. Yeah, that's, that's a no for me. And it's, never mind. What? No, it's just, I have, I have experienced guys with snakes and lizards, obviously. Obviously. I mean, the pickings are slim, so I get it. And that's the problem.

When someone is like bisexual or, I don't know, just like they got something going on for me that I'm like, you know, they're not like chaser. But they have like the right healthy amount for me of all of that attraction. I'm like, stay. Please stay. Don't leave me. Don't leave. Please stay. Love me forever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I just simply, I cannot imagine how hard it must be dating as a trans woman. It's not just that for me, though.

Oh, it's the female comedian. Yes. It's the trans. Sober. Those are, first of all, that's a trifecta. Every single person I've ever met is on weed. I have recently found out. On weed. They all are on weed. Everyone's got river madness They're all on weed Everyone's on weed Which is, you know, fine

But Not a place I can meet you No, I get that I used to smoke a lot of weed I can't do that too much anymore It's a nighttime thing That's good If I smoke it, it has to be at night

I gotta be on my way to bed soon Yeah Because otherwise I'll just eat everything in my house And then sit and not do anything I'm not productive We'd, and this is probably not the greatest thing for me to say, but it will make its way back into my life at some point. I mean, it's great. I think that's okay.

I think it's wonderful. Diet Coke is the new thing for me. I literally just discovered Diet Coke two weeks ago. That's so funny that you just discovered Diet Coke. Never had a sip, and now I just can't get it out. They're delicious. It's very addictive. Some people call them fridge cigarettes.

Mmm. Mars like that. Fridge cigarette. A little fridge cigarette. But yeah, so my dating life, I'm on every single app. Mm-hmm. I don't obsess over dating because I'm, I got a lot going on, and I'm just, I don't feel like my life is lacking. I just really want to have good sex with somebody is kind of my problem.

Like regular. I want to feel comfortable. Yes. Every couple days you're getting your back blown out. Yeah. Through that mattress. That sounds so nice. Yeah.

And I have a big circle-shaped mattress. I have a bedroom that is made for freaky-diki. Wait, you have a circle bed? Yeah, I have a 1960s circle bed, and I have red fur walls. Everything is animal print. I've got shag carpet. I've got mirrors on the walls. It is like a love palace.

So you do have like a fuck palace. Absolutely. Can I see pictures, please? Yeah, I can find them somewhere. But I'm all alone in there. I'm sorry. Well, I got a little dog. He doesn't got no eyeballs.

He don't have no eyeballs. No, he don't got no eyeballs. When I got him, he didn't have them. Would you do his eyeballs? No, no, no. They didn't have, there were no eyeballs when I got him. Though every time I go out of town, I like to say to my dog sitter, what happened to his eyes when I come home?

But, yeah. I'm sure they love that joke. Yeah. He doesn't, yeah, and I'll text the dog sitter. You know, he had eyes when I left. I just want to make sure. That he'll have eyes when I return. Yeah.

He was born without him. Oh. Yeah. So he's like brilliant. Like he, he never saw. So it's not like he gets confused. Yeah. So he's just living his life. Yeah.

Things have not been altered or adjusted. Yeah. My dog has, I think, cataracts. His eyes are a little cloudy. And they said his vision, his vision isn't going, but you just can't see as well. So he'd be running into things now. And it's really funny and cute. Yeah, this guy, I mean, I scare him a lot.

That's funny. This is probably people could gather from this something problematic. Sure. I often, it truly does feel like that ending scene from Silence of the Lambs. Never seen it. She can't see anything. And Buffalo Bill has on these night vision goggles. And she's like, that's me with my dog all around the house.

You have the night vision goggles and your dog is Jody Foster, scared of you? Yeah. And what's his name, Buffalo Bill? He's the man with the lotion in the basket. He is, yes. And he kills? Yes. I like that you said, I'm a killer and my dog is scared of me.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's like all day long. He's just like, what the fuck is she doing? But it's cute. He's so cute. I scare my dog all the time and he can see me. Oh.

I'm so loud. I love dogs. See, if I have dogs and really good friends, I don't really. Like that's why I don't feel like I need a relationship right now. You want one. I don't know if I do. Interesting. You just want to have good sex on the reg.

Yeah, respectful. Like, it's so important. to me to feel safe and respected. Are you on field? Girl on my on field. Honey, I was there when they planted the thief that made the field. I've been on field for years.

I'm on field riah, Bumble Hinge. I feel like these are like snow white. In the dwarves. The dwarves, the seven dwarves? Bumble hinge. Tender. Yeah, I think that's all.

Oh, Grindr. I'm on Grindr. Sniffies? You know what? I have a doll girlfriend that just got on sniffies. And that scares me. I think you might have a nice time on sniffies. That scares me.

If you want to have good sex and be put through a mattress, I think you'll have a good time on sniffies. That scared me. But I, Grindr I use for, like, everything but sucks. Wait. What? I just said butt sex. No butt sex. No butt sex.

Everything except for sex. So like friendship, grocery shopping. I do a thing on YouTube where I stay in haunted hotel rooms. Again, I don't know why people think I know everything about girls, but I do a YouTube series. It's kind of your brand. It's become my brand. I get it. And you have a ghost tattoo, no?

Okay, quit. Look, that's private. I go to haunted hotels on my YouTube channel, and I find guys from Grindr. to join me and that's really fun and that has opened up a door like all these doors of just like finding friends like when i go i'm on this tour completely by myself right now and i'm sometimes i'm like so fucking lonely and i'll just like start messaging with random trans ladies or gay guys or whoever and just be like where do people go what is the thing here like i like that oh oh you said you're gonna get gassy.

You did get a little gassy. Hi. The thing of, yeah, touring does get really fucking lonely sometimes. I have never in my life experienced loneliness until now. Like I've never had it the way I have it right now

when I'm on the road. Because I don't have a dog. You don't have anything. It is literally just you. And then when you're driving around, it is just you for hours sometimes. It's just you at the airport. It's just you. And then you're at the show

and you're like, oh, I'm making all these people laugh. And then you go home. And I will say, like, that is a different kind of sadness to go from making, like, you know, a hundred people laugh to like nothing and being like, I don't have a partner to call. I mean, I could call a friend, but like, that's not what I want to do right now. Because I had broken up with somebody and then gone on the road. And I was like, it made me depressed. It made me incredibly depressed.

I went on a Lexapro for a little bit because I was like. Oh, I'm on it. I was so, I was like, I'm on it. I said to my therapist, we were in a session, and I started crying, and I went, will I ever be happy again? And she went, I think it's time we start talking about Lexapro. I was like, okay. Yes. But yeah, it was really helpful because I was like, I'm just so sad.

Yeah, I'm on Lexapro, which is supposed to affect your sexual. It didn't affect me sexually. I still wanted to catch some dicks. Wait, real quick, we have to take a break. Okay, fine. We're back. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm very lonely right now when I'm touring.

When I'm home, I'm like, this is great. Yeah, home is fine. Home is fine. But, yeah, that, oh, my God, everyone loves me. And it's, now it's silent. Yes. And that fucks with, and I have heard people talk about that for years. And I, I never really experienced it.

Because I think I did a lot of years of just one off, like one night and then you fly back or whatever. But doing all of these in a row has been really hard. And I've considered flying out guys. It's crossed my mind. And I've reached out. I've reached out to a few. And then I'm like, hey, remember me? And they're like, which one?

And I have to like explain, you know. Which one? I have bangs. I just discovered Diet Coke. More specific. No, but like guys that I've, you know, dated or hooked up or whatever. And that's a very, you know, here's a very odd thing. Seattle, Washington.

Mm-hmm. I had the nicest time with this guy in December. Mm-hmm. I went back there in June of this year to. And I had kept in contact with this really nice gentleman. And in May, I was on the road, and I was like, do you want to come meet me? Like, you want to just, I was on the East Coast. Like, wouldn't that be fun?

And he was like, that's great. I actually have the next few days off. Let's talk tomorrow. And I'm like, great, because then I'm also going to be in Seattle in June. So I could see you then, too, whatever. Next day comes, blocked me. How does that happen? I don't know.

And I can admit if I said something a little crazy, like, you know, I could be like, there's times where you're like, I get it. Yeah. Like I've had guys come over to my home before and I forget to hide the things that people. Like what? When you're the ghost lady. Oh. The things that people, you don't know how many creepy dolls are in my house that I did not buy myself.

there's certain things that I have to remember you hide when the men come over. But here's the thing. If it's meant to be, they'll accept it. I have a life-size cut out of myself. And my boyfriend, we were like making out ones. And then he was like kind of crazy that you have a life-size cut out of yourself. And I was like, oh, whoopsies. Did I not explain that?

He was like, no. And I just drooled. That's because you're thinking about your man. That was humiliating. I just started really just salivating. That's hot. I do. See, I need to find a man that makes me salivate.

I love him so much. He's so wonderful. That's so exciting. But yeah, he accepted that. And then the other day I showed him my salt and pepper shaker collection. And he acted like he was really interested. What's you got in there? Oh, let's see.

I got some pigs in tutus. I have palm trees. A little chef mouse. Ooh, and then I have a dog, and then he's the salt shaker, and then the pepper shaker is a hot dog cart. Oh, that's cute. See, I'm a chachky queen. I love chotchkees.

And my dating life has affected decisions when I'm at antique stores. No, buy it all. I know. Because the person who's going to love you is going to love that. I know, but I'm not looking for love necessarily. Oh. If I'm just having someone to come over to my giant circle shake, bad. I need to see a picture.

Oh, my God. They're in here somewhere. Let me move my... Do you want me to throw this out? No, it's fine. I like it. It gives me character. If the right guy is watching... Yes, and he likes this swamp juice.

Where's my phone? I don't know, girl. I do need to get a phone upgrade, so it's not the newest. I also need a phone upgrade because I've dropped it so many times, and now I have a protective screen on it, but there's two big cracks, and I think if I take the film, off, I think my phone will just fall right apart. You said you have creepy dolls.

I also have creepy dolls in my house because, and I'll say this, if you come to one of my shows... I have more pillows now. Oh, my Lord! Did you, like, where did you get this from? Was it made or was it vintage? Facebook Marketplace.

I fucking love Facebook Marketplace. I do too, but I don't have a Facebook, so I always have to have my friends, like, do the coordinating for me. Girl, get a Facebook. I know I probably should. I have a fake Facebook. It's not my name.

It's the name I made up. I know, but I just don't even want it. I get it. But I don't post anything. I just look at Facebook Marketplace. And I'm this close to buying a carousel horse. I love that kind of shit. Me too.

I want to say Michael Jackson had a carousel horse and his house. Well, he had a carousel. We share the same birthday. Why shouldn't we both have carousel horses? You have the same birthday as Michael Jackson? August 29th. I, do you remember that document? and he like goes to the fancy store in Vegas and he's like I need two of those I got five of those I want that I want that I want that that that's why I want to be when I grow up no that is me when I go to an antique store like sometimes you find the right one and I'm just like that one that I want that my favorite vintage store in Portland is House of Vintage and last time I was there I bought so much that I had to ship it home before I left I don't know I've done it are you kidding I just love things I

I got so much shit in my damn home. I was saying I have creepy dolls because people have made dolls of me. Oh, yeah, me too. Do you keep them? I don't know necessarily that I want to. Fair, I'll tell you. I keep mine because I don't know what intentions you've set with that doll. I don't know what, and it might not be ill will, but I simply don't know when you were making it the juju you put in there.

So you're taking the risk by. I just bring it in an end to your house. It's in a closed cabinet like Annabelle. Girl, they got Annabelle in a terrarium. Well, Annabelle's out and killing. Annabelle needs to be locked up like a pansexual, polyamorous pet. No. Take her to the White House. Yes, that's true.

Get it done. Easy. But I do believe in like haunted dogs. I think Annabelle's like killing. Okay, you know, on my podcast, I have an obsession with eBay Haunted Doll world, which is the whole thing. I didn't know that. Oh, my God. And I just remember something relevant to this.

Okay, wait. So the Internet has all kinds of shit. It sure does. Heard it here first. The Internet has all kinds of different shit. Finally. Finally, somebody said it. So there's people that sell allegedly haunted dolls on eBay.

and they come with descriptions. It's so fun. We do a segment on my podcast every week called The Dolls Are Living. So there was an article that was written, sometimes that, you know, I cover the very important news in today's world, like a woman that met her future husband on Ets.

She went to an Etsy psychic who drew a picture, a soulmate drawing, and she met the man, and they're now married. And that man looks like the drawing. Exactly like him. Wow. So I covered this story. And in the article, it didn't say who the Etsy psychic was. It didn't show the picture.

It was just, you know, reporting, whatever. So I talk about it. I get an email from the woman, and she's like, oh, my God, I heard you talked about how I met my husband. here's the Etsy psychic. And so, and she sent me a picture, I looked just like the guy. So I, not two days ago,

lonely night in the damn hotel by myself, I was like, you know what, fuck it. I want to see what. What's your future husband going to look like? So I start, I pay for the thing. And I ask, what's your birthday? Can we see a picture of you? What's your full name?

Whatever. Stuff like that. Then I was like, you know what? It's content. I do this kind of stuff. We talk about this step in the pot. You're going to like talk about so many ghosts. Sure.

So I did four of them. Four different psychics. I have now received three of them at the time of this recording. Yes. I'm waiting for the big one, that lady. I have not received that one yet. But I have gotten four. They are all white men.

I don't know what that's all about because, I mean, I date white men But like, I don't know It's just interesting that They're all very different white men I've talked to friends that are like Oh, that's all the same guy I don't think so

I've done here's one Okay This guy Interesting I don't see that for you This one's terrifying That is a mugshot That is a mugshot

This one is like a Charcoal. Nobody has hair that much hair. That's wild. This one's scary. I don't want you to end up with him. I don't either. I'm scared.

I don't want to have to explain to people. Like, no, he's a nice guy. No. And then there's this guy. He's kind of cute. Wait, I like him, but he's dead already. That is, that's a ghost of a man from like the 20s. Yeah, this is a very, this man.

He was on the Titanic. Like, that is a ghost. And he's been working in the coal mine. Like, he's tired. He's tired, rugged. I like him, though. He's hot, though. I'm waiting for the fourth

because the fourth we know has predicted a woman's husband, allegedly. Wait, will you send that to me because I'm curious to see if she'll draw my partner? You want to know the person? You want me to send the... Yeah, send me the Etsy person.

Okay. Because I've done it before and gotten the picture and it looks like no one in life. It doesn't look like a human? No. He looks like a mouse who became.

a human. Got it. I don't know if I'd be able to find it. It is a real thing. That's what you hear about him with me. That's so funny. They are, I think those are all different people. They are not the same guy, but they are the same race.

They're all white men. Well, only one is color. The other one is black and white, so you can just, maybe the black and white ones are a different race. They do all have white attributes, though. They do. And they sent me like a description with this planet and that thing and this, you know, oh, they're a creative person. What is your ideal partner?

What does that look like? Kermit. Like, I want, I like a nice guy. A tall, gangly guy. I like a nice guy with, like, a skin, a skin necklace the way that Kermit. What? I don't know. I like a nice... Kermit has a skin necklace?

What is Kermit's... What's happening around Kermit, the frog's neck? Wait, Mars, do you mind looking up a picture of Kermit? You don't know what I'm talking about? I have no idea what you're talking about. For some reason, has something happening around the neck. He's a sick frog? I want...

I just want clarification on what that is. I just want clarification. Well, because we love Kermit. Oh, yeah. I guess so. I don't know what that is. Yeah, I don't know what that is either. Also, it's wild because Miss Piggy is fully clothed. at all times, and Kermit is naked

at all times. Yes, he is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that thing is. But either way, I like that kind of dynamic. I like, I'm very jealous of, like, drag queens I know that have some, like, boyfriend that, like, kind

of just, like, carries their bag for them. Yeah. I want that guy. Oh. I want a guy that's, like, just really nice. It is... But I, you know... Really, really nice. I...

describe what I want in a partner for years and I've had so many people go, that's called an assistant. That's not a boyfriend. I don't think so. I mean, my boyfriend doesn't... I want someone that'll drive me. My boyfriend drives me. God. He will hold my... Like, when we're at the airport, I always pack too much.

So he has to put my purse in his backpack and then he'll like take it out when we get on the flight. He always puts my bags on the over... Like, he's... I want that. He's really kind and he's nice. And I think the best part is he knows I can do it myself. He knows I could figure out how to like stuff my bag

in my backpack or whatever and it'll be bulging or whatever but I'll get on the plane. But he's like, oh, I just want to make your life a little easier so you don't have to do that. I don't think that he's not my assistant by any means.

And when I was like, he was pretending to light my salt and pepper shaker is like I said that to him and he was like, I'm not pretending to like them. You really like them. And I think they're cool.

He's like, I think it's really cool that you found a palm tree salt and pepper shaker. I think this is really cool. And then I was like, huh, do you want to see this glass in the shape of a lady's body? What I got from Africa? And I showed it to him. He was like, this is cool.

He's like, and I like that you got it from your travels. Like, he really is my cheerleader. I'm going to cry. And it is nice because it's the first time I've ever dated somebody who liked me. Yeah. Who thought I was funny. Who was like proud of me. He doesn't know what I'm talking about sometimes, but I'll be like,

oh, this thing happened in my career. And he's like, hey, babe, that's really great. And he's not in show business. No. No, but he, like, lives in L.A., so he, like, hears things. He knows that. But, yeah, I think it's entirely possible to find someone who, like, wants to celebrate your wins and wants to celebrate you.

And, yeah, like, sometimes he'll surprise me with, like, something dumb that I mentioned, like, a week ago. And then he's like, here, this is what we're watching. You said you wanted to watch it. It'll make me like burst into tears because he listens to me. That's so nice. It's really nice. So, Roz, I think there's, there is somebody out there for you.

And it's not an assistant. You just, I don't, I simply don't have, I don't know. I always ask my guests, I'm like, do you have advice for single people? And I'm like, I don't really have advice. I just like got on antidepressants and really tried to be happy. And then someone came in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a big believer in like, you can't.

like look for it too much. Like, like, it's just like when these people go ghost hunting. I'm like, you can't want it too much. You're going to turn off the ghosts. Like, you have to be open to it and, like, receptive in the experience. And that's my problem is the universe has made it so clear to me. And I'm not even, like, that spiritual universe, God, whatever the fuck, has made it so clear to me that.

that right now is not the time. Fair, and I think it's smart to listen to the universe. And you know what? Some nights get lonely and I don't listen. And it always is a horrible decision. It's a stinky man that I met recently. What kind of stinky? Old sweat.

And God above kept telling me, bitch, bitch. You're, no, do not just eat some gummy bears and watch a movie. And I was like, no, I want to be that stinky man. And then Jesus finally said, okay, here you go, go. If you're going to be someone that needs a man tonight. And did you fuck him? Listen, that's a personal. That is personal.

That's very private. That's private. I'm so sorry. I should not have gone there. That's so rude. I have fucked stinky people I once suck this man's dick and it tasted like poison

I was like you are ill there is something wrong with you but I didn't say that out loud to him I just like went home and was like what did I do? Yeah yeah no and I don't like that feeling No

there's nothing worse so it's just like if you're forcing it too much it's just don't I think I was trying to force it for a very long time and then my therapist was

like, I've said this before, but she was like, I want you to start going on dates with no expectations. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard you say this. You have a nice time. You've been bad time. And I was like, okay. And then recently I've been bringing that into lots of aspects of my life. Like, days I don't want to like hang out.

I'm like, you know what? Just go. Just go to the thing. You might have fun. You might not. And guess what you can do? Leave whenever you fucking want. Love leaving. Just leave. But like go see people. Because like, My big thing is, we're lacking fellowship, and that's why people are trying to fuck fucking AI chatbots.

Fellowship. We're lacking fellowship. So that's why I love that you're doing a tour of these gay bars in small parts of cities and shit, because people need fellowship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, it's also, yeah, it's community. It's like people are coming out and we're all just, like,

having one conversation. That's what I've been loving so much is the feeling of, like, doing lots of crowdwork and sort of, like, we're all having this one moment you had to be in this room with each other, we're all laughing at each other like it's such a beautiful thing. And it's nice. And then

I like forgot about like in the 90s because I was a child but like people had so few entertainment options that like you all talked about the same movie you saw. Monoculture. Yes. I miss. I want that to come back and I don't. It's not here. I know. Where is she? It's gone. But that's another like

that's one thing I love. much about like queer culture or like you know there's different cultures where they there is a little bit of that sort of um and so i've especially the past year or two i've just been like gravitating towards like take me to the people where i don't know what gender they are like those that's the people i want to be around i want to be around my fellow like queer yeah i love that I just love it. Let's manifest. What do you want?

Okay. Let's like close our eyes a little bit and then do this with our hands. What? Oh, my eyes were closed. Sorry. Okay, let's manifest. Ross, what do you want? I want a nice guy.

Nice guy. That doesn't identify as strictly straight. Not strictly straight. I want, oh God. Oh, God. I want him to not be, um, vote against my rights. Not vote against her rights. Um, and I want him to have a good sense of humor.

Good sense of humor. And that's literally the standards. I'm going to add, treat you right. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I, I, listen, okay, here's one thing I'm going to say that people, the discourse online, the whatever, but I'm sorry, some, we all have physical things that we are interested in. Sure.

Okay? So I have to add in there, I have to be attracted to them. Attracted to them. Because I meet, I have met really nice guys where I'm like, I'm just not attracted. It's how I feel about women. I'm not attracted to them. Yeah, I've gone out with people where I'm like, oh, this will just never happen. But I like you.

You have all the right things. But here's the thing. I got to. Yeah, I want to want you. I want to like feel hot and sexy and for you. Our thingies don't work for every thingy. No. Like, they have to function.

Yes. And certain things make our thingies function. That's very scientific of you. Certain things make our thingies function. And you can get anything on the internet. You get, yes. There's a lot of things on the internet. Anyway, I have to pee.

Well, you can go. Hey. Well, we'll finish up. Will you come back? Oh, okay. Thank you. You're welcome. You lived in North Hollywood when you first moved here.

Yes. And someone from the flavor of love lived in that building. What? Where did I say that? Simply don't know, but Lindsay, my wonderful assistant, I love her so much. She's been such a constant in my life. She did this research and I was like, I need to talk a little bit about it because she does work on it. Who was the contestant?

Was it the lady who pooped on the staircase? Do you remember that? I don't remember her name. I don't. I just had a girl that was staying with me at the time that was like, this lady from flavor of love is outside yelling at somebody. Yelling at somebody. Oh, I love that for her.

Yeah. I want New York to do this podcast so bad. I want her to do my podcast. She's the bad. She's so cool. She's booked. She's busy. She's blessed. But Tiffany Pollard, if you want to come, if you're in L.A., please come to do the podcast. Anyway, Ross, do you have any advice for single people? You know, I kind of do, even though you've heard about my life, I would say date me. That's one word of advice. The other one is pay for premium apps. Listen, if dating is important to you, or if you're somebody like me that's busy and just wants as little time I need to spend and I don't care that much and I don't want to look at ads 24.

If it's something important to you, you should invest. Yeah. If you want, you know, it's just like eating healthy, like whatever it is. Sometimes you have to pay a little bit of extra money to have the convenience and to make it as easy as possible because there are a lot of options on these things and it can make it easier. Like Tinder, for example, it shows you everyone that likes you. You don't have to go swiping through.

I just look at all the guys that like me. That is nice because you're like, oh, that's right here. Yeah, I don't want to have to deal with all that. And then the other, my most important thing that I always tell people if you're like, especially if you're hooking up, but I even think that. dating face time before you meet the person. Do not not FaceTime the person. That's good.

I've never done that. I'm always like, we have had three back and forths. Let me go meet this stranger in public. Good for you. I think because I attract such crazies, I got to make sure that you're not on drugs, which I've fallen for. You simply can't tell. Yeah, but like I just.

That's on you. Kidding. I just have to make sure you're not like, you know. Yeah, you're not tweaking. Tweaking. And that you look like your picture. Yes. You know, that's another thing that straight men do.

A lot of people do this. But straight men in particular, the things I've seen on dating apps is, first of all, the fish. That is a weird thing. They love to show the fish that they captured. Yeah. The other thing that I see a lot of is hot guy that's wearing 2016 clothes. And you're like, That's deeply funny because you're like

Is this current or is this an old picture? Then you see 2018 guy that looks a little worse. And then you see current day same guy and you're like, wow, that really is the same guy. And it's the last photo. Yeah, because they don't think you're going to make it to the end. They think you're going to swipe yes on that old picture. Yep. I mean, I don't know why there isn't a service for straight men to like have someone make them a profile.

There are good pictures of you that exist. That's smart. That's really smart. And honestly, honestly, biggest red flag for me if a dude's profile is awful. Because I'm like, you have no women close enough to you to go, let me look at that. What? Why do you have a fucking fish? Tell them later you like to fish. My grinder says straight men creep me out because there's a lot of straight identifying men.

on Grindr. Yeah. And the conversations I get in with people, these blank profiles that'll be like, what the fuck is wrong with straight men? Why do you think we're creepy? And then like their profiles literally just like, lick my hole with like no photo.

They're on Grindr as a straight man, messaging you being like, what's wrong with straight men? Yeah. Yeah. I would be like this whole interaction is what's wrong. with you. Yes. If you're a straight identifying, man, apparently

you're not because you're here and you're trying to explore your sexuality and that's okay. And they're being creepy about it, which is exactly what I'm saying. They won't show me a photo of them. They're like, what the fuck? Meanwhile, I've

got three gorgeous photos of me from 2018 on my profile. Yes, Java. Don't even give them the menagerie of the years. Just stop at 2018. Honey, I'm not holding a fish, I am fish. No, as you heard of here, the divas a fish. A fish.

Not serving fish. You're a fish. You're a fish. You are a fish. The doll is a fish. I heard that on RuPaul's drag race. They say, you're a fish. There was one queen who was, like, offended. Whatever, we don't have to get into that. I like to, no, let's talk about it.

I like, first of all, that's part of my culture is using that word. Well, the dolls came up with the dolls. They came up with serving fish. Like, it's strange as a woman to be like, I'm offended by the terminology you've come up with to describe yourself. I also think that it can change and morph into something that isn't necessarily derogatory. I don't know.

I had somebody, I said fish on social media and I got this long thing from somebody. That was like, you're not allowed to use it because that's referencing female-born bodies and all this. And I'm like, you sound like the people that are obsessed with trans people's genitals. Like, honestly, that's not what I was. What I was talking about is a majestic creature in the sea. That's what I was talking about. I wasn't talking about vaginis and peonies. I mean, but that's where it originated.

Serving fish, I look so female. that I'm serving like she does. But you know what I've heard? I've also heard it's like, that's something's fishy about that person. Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, yes. Like, is she on hormones?

Is she not? What is going on? She's fishy. Yeah, it means several different things. Yeah. And I just think it's really strange to police people who, whose terms, it's theirs. It's like when it's like, well, if I can't say the N word,

black people can't. And it's like, well, no. Yeah. We reclaimed it. And then decided that you couldn't, say it because it was a fence. I just, I don't know. I think it's so strange to like be in a space and then take up room and talk at full volume in that space with your full chest. Right, right. And I don't know. I'm just, I've really leaned into again, like the culture. Like I come from

like drag queen, like a specifically drag queen, um, trans lady culture, gay man. But not, not just like someone that's sexually attracted to the same gender. Like, it's not that. It's like a specific type of culture where we say certain things and we, whatever. When did you start doing drag? 2010. I started

fooling around with that. I was younger. You don't have to tell me your age after saying the year. I did not mean to try to entrap you. I was younger. I'm sorry. Then I am now. I'm sorry. I did not mean to. Well, Roz, we do have to wrap up.

I could truly talk to you for hours. I adore you. I know. I'm not talking to you. When is your tour done? I'll be doing like D.C., Richmond, and then I'm going to do this place called Stonewall. Ever heard of it? Which I've done before. I love it.

Stonewall. People died. They didn't. They didn't? No, they didn't. They didn't? It's part of my culture, the history of my culture. They didn't?

I love that place. And it's a really fun, small room. and I'm doing that, and then I'm doing L.A., and that whole tour is part of a project that I can't necessarily talk about yet, but I'll be talking a lot about it one day soon. I love that. Yeah. Maas, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Wait, wait, while I'm promoting things.

Yes. I also have a YouTube channel where I meet guys on Grindr. Yes. It's called Ross Hernandez the Haunted Doll. You can go see that on my YouTube. I also have my podcast, which is a comedy podcast where we talk about ghosts and psychics and haunted dolls and UFOs. It's called Ghosted by Ros Hernandez. It's a nice time.

And I've really been leaning into the fact that I'm not as famous as I should be. And so I'm just unapologetically letting people know that I, would like to be more famous. So follow me on Instagram. Yeah, get it done. At Ross Hernandez. Because I spent four days in Provincetown begging people to come see me on the street.

And I said, I got to get more famous. Were you there for Bear Week? No, I was there the week before. I know Meatball and Dipper were there for Bear Week. I was there for Circuit Gay Week, which is not a crowd that likes to go sit still and listen to you. a trans lady talk about her dating life.

Well. Whatever. I have a question. What? Would you date me? Yes. Ah! Would you date me?

No, you're in a relationship with a man that makes you salivate. I know. And I am not into the... You're not into spitplay? No, I can be into that. I'm just not into like the couples that want like a third. I do, you know, I have said many times for years My number one dream in life besides becoming a lesbian

Is I want to be in a thruple Where I am Ursula And I've got two bisexual eels You know what? I want that to happen for you That's sorry I think that would be nice Can we do the math again? Because I want two bisexual men Two bisexuals

What I didn't make, I didn't make clear enough That I would like two of them And I want to be in the middle Okay, the reason why I did did this when we're manifesting because I feel like you have to do some sort of ritual when you manifest

otherwise it won't happen. Really? Yeah, I'm weird. I come up with all sorts of weird rules. Also, I think my house is a little haunted. We don't have time for those. We sure don't. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

You could like it. You could rate it. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. If you send me a message to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at gmail.com, write me something nasty hitting on me. I'll read it. Also send them in, please. Please, please, please, please.

If I were so lucky to date you, I would surprise you by picking you up in a party bus. Okay. I keep all the lights in the music to a minimum out of respect. The bus will drop us off at a construction site. A construction site, you say, no, this is not the final destination. Then I reveal we're going to one of the most exclusive restaurants in town and put on our black tie clothes I've hidden. I didn't think this all the way through, though. So we get dressed in a porter party.

We arrive at the restaurant and brought back to a private restaurant. room with nothing but a kitty pool filled with what looks like sand. You ask, where's the dinner? I reply, you are the dinner. Now get your itty-bitty tities in the tub. I do have small titties. They're eight cups. I proceed to honk those tiny titties while shouting animal sounds into your vagina. Mooh! Nay! Quack, quack, you slut queen. You're taking quite a back by this, but soon you give in, uh, and the pleasure is immeasurable. You squirt all in the kitty pool, almost filling it to the brim. Once you regain your post nut clarity, you look around

and discover the sand was really jello mix all along. We finished the night by eating the cum jello. Slurp, slurp, bitch. That was nasty. I loved it. Good night. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't you date me with me, Nicole Beyer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kennef Skiya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue. With guest research by Lindsay

Kempth. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our Thief music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye.

That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I'm Alana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan O'Solvin. And this is The Outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. We're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week, we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this.

See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates, to why we got into Cuba, to Las Vegas. gay bars. Who knew? Who knew? The mobs involved. All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Hello, I'm Joe Mercosuraci.

And I'm Russell Daniels. And we're the co-hosts of The Downside. Now on Headgum. We are a safe place to complain. Be negative. Kvetch. We don't like toxic positivity. No. Because it's We're not going to sit there going, hey, look on the bright side. Enough on the bright side.

That's all anyone's talking about these days, the fucking bright side. So tune in to some of your favorite comedians, some celebrities. Like Caleb Huron, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Alana Glazer, Busy Phillips, and Dan Soder. We let them come on and we let them share what shitty about their life. We look at the things that seem nice on the surface and we go, why is it shitty underneath? It's a fun time, but it's a place you're going to listen and go. Oh, thank God, I'm not any of those three people on that show right now. Yeah.

I feel better about my life. So please subscribe to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocketcast, or watch us on YouTube. New episodes every Tuesday. This is The Downside.