Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Giving Notes on Relationships (w/ Dan Gregor & Doug Mand)

Episode Date: August 22, 2025

Co-writers Dan Gregor and Doug Mand (The Naked Gun) have been writing partners for twenty years - which is basically a marriage at this point. They tell Nicole about the time they were "dumped" by Adam Pally, how they’ve kept a friendship and business alive without burning each other out, and the rabbi who completely ruined a wedding by trying to do bits. They also shared the best marriage advice they’ve ever gotten, and what it feels like to spiral when you don’t think you’re worthy of love. Plus, while on vacation, Nicole overhears a couple fighting in the next hotel room - and decides to slip a handwritten note under their door.Go see The Naked Gun in theaters! It's very funny!Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Honeylove: Save 20% Off Honeylove by going to honeylove.com/DATEME ! #honeylovepod» Squarespace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.» Mint Mobile: This year, skip breaking a sweat AND breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/DATEME.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. One time my wife received a letter in a restaurant with her parents. And someone snuck a letter to their table. They didn't know who. And it said, your family is farting too much.

Wait, really? You're ruining this restaurant. And they went around. They're like, who said that? And it was true. I mean, they were farting too much. They were, they were, they were, they were really disgusting public farders. And so, I respect that letter.

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Welcome to a new episode of, oh, why won't you date me? It's a podcast. Me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was still staying a little, little. That's the, that's the, why I was so single, even though you could come in my shoe and tell me it was a sticker.

My guest today are a comedy writing duo behind shows like, wait, did, Doug, you worked on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Yeah, they brought me along. I didn't realize she did. This is so funny that I'm like, oh, learning. Oh, welcome, welcome. Oh, the first time you've looked at our resume ever. Well, I knew you worked on how I met your mother. Half of those things are lies on there.

You have to figure out which one. How I met your mother and the brand new naked gun movie in theaters now. And I said before we started recording, both said it online. Jesus Christ. All right. Have a sip. Have a sip. A head gum, gold brew.

No, this is high brew coffee and it's a triple shot of espresso. Get your fucking going. Now let's read. these words in the paper again. Hold on. I've got to go to the bathroom first. I got to take a dump. I got to take a triple dome. Listen, do you want me to do this intro again?

Or did you like it the way it was? I love it. You know, we're just shaggy. This is like, I think people want to see. It's not AI. This is what they really want to say. It's supposed to be imperfect. If this was AI, it would have been so much better. Anyway, I told you guys, I didn't see your movie. That's okay.

Very rude. You didn't even. It's right. Very fucking rude. Yeah, reenacted for me. And then you have the gall to say, wait, you write on crazy ice which it's written down there so that that is did you lie to just

it's an accusation against your assistant really. Do you pop up your transcript before you came on here? Listen, I didn't read this beforehand. I read this in real time and then I was like wait I have questions great no but I haven't seen the naked gun movie I really want to because I watched the trailer in

theaters and it was so fun to see a like a comedy trailer where people were fucking laughing and I laughed so hard at some parts. Right, good. And I'm so excited to see it. I think you're going to like it, knowing your sense of humor,

this is very much your speed. Hey, thanks. And Pam Anderson's in it. She's great. She's awesome. She's got a whole scat number. Oh, well, that's a nice thing. It's very nice.

That was in her audition. She told. Wait, she had an audition for it? Yeah. Well, she met with Akiva. But it was more like a kind of like, you know, it's a different level, I think, when you're not audition really like. Yeah.

She's like, me with the director, talk about things. And then Scatting came up and it's like, oh, she could really do this. Yeah, I mean, it's out there. Yeah, it's in the movie. Yeah. I have a question. Yeah. How did you two meet to become writing partners?

This is a kind of what I'm doing. This is a meat cute. We actually talked about this after the London premiere kind of drunkenly at dinner, toasting one another after, I mean, we've been together for close to 20 years at this point. This is as much a marriage as any relationship, truly. Dan and I met in a writing class at NYU that was insane and didn't make any sense, but we immediately liked each other. It was the class had to group write an episode of I Love Lucy guest starring Alicia Keys.

That's not a bit. That's not making sense. This is at NYU. This is so funny. You paid for that. We paid for that. Probably hundreds of thousands. How can Alicia Keys have to get it into the Tropicana and work with Ricky?

And what does Lucy feel about Ricky and Alicia Keys spending all this time together? Really? It was a bad shit crazy class that only Dan and I seemed to realize was insane. Yeah. And we liked each other, but like... We didn't really stay in touch. And then we literally walked into one another. I had started a sketch group called Hammercats.

and we, some of our many mutual friends that were on that group. And then we were doing auditions that day. And I literally were just both walking. We bumped into each other around a corner. And like the auditions was that night. And I was like, oh, hey, man. Like, you got to come try out for this group.

And like, truly, if we hadn't bumped into each other on that corner, like, we wouldn't be here. It's like truly, it does give me chills to think about. I love that. That's truly, what is it, Kismet? Kismet. Fade. The Yiddish word is Berschert. Berschert.

Yes, exactly. Did I say it right? Pretty good. Pretty good. I think it was pretty bad. It was very shit. A sherber. I love sherbert.

Yeah, it's great. Exactly. Now that's. People don't eat enough sherbet. It never comes up enough. It doesn't. Sorbet's coming up. Yes.

I'm not getting a lot of sherbet. No. No. That is so delicious. Right. Exactly. Refreshing. The summer, it's what I want.

Let's go. Let's stop this. Let's go get some ice cream. Go get some shower part. Exactly. Yeah, so that's how we met. And that's like, and I was living with Adam Pally at the time. And after graduation, Dan kind of moved in and slept on our couch.

And then the three of us started. Couldn't bear to go home because I was fighting with my parents all the time. Because it's home. And here we are. It's been pretty wild. 20 years is a very long time to keep a relationship, especially a professional relationship good. Yeah. How do you do that?

Because I think professional and friendship relationships are almost just as important as romantic ones. So how do you sustain that? Like, do you guys, do you ever have disagreements that you're like, oh boy, I don't know. I might have to break up with you. We fight. Well, I'm just kind of thrown by how tonally she's on in terms of how I get. I'll be like, oh, I don't know, Dan. No, no, please.

No, you get right on. You temper, your temper. Oh, Douglas, your temper. No, you sit right here, boy, sit on my lap. Oh, Douglas. Sit on my lap. I have some, you got some explaining to do. Oh, Douglas.

You know what? Honestly, I've been in therapy my whole life to, you know, varying degrees of success. And I don't believe in it. Yeah. Oh, Ebony and Ivory. Okay. Yeah, exactly. So I stuff it all down deep inside and accept it and have tumors.

No, we do talk. We try to have the hard conversations. You know, we want different things sometimes. Yeah, your expectations of a relationship are always moving around. And so it's very hard for two people to always have the same expectations of a relationship. And that's romantic. And that is also like friendship professional. You have to compromise for sure.

And then you have to know when you're like, this is not going to be the one I win. I mean, the funny thing is, you know, Doug brought up. we were with, we were a three-person writing group with Pally, and Pally dumped us. And, you know, love him to death, still one of our best friends. How does that go down? But it was very emotionally hard. It was really, I mean, again, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't a day where he said, I'm breaking up with you.

There was a, there was, there was. You were all auditioning to varying, like, varying degrees of, of booking and going out less, like, I went out less than Pally, better went out less than maybe like. Oh, I don't know about that. Yeah. It's true. If you look at the numbers, I didn't book, but Callie started booking commercials. And it was like, I think it was just very, like, clear that, like, the camera loved that big old head of his.

And at a certain point, it was like, you know, we were like, you know, going back and forth to L.A. He got a sketch show. Yeah, he got a sketch show on it. And he brought us on to write on it, which was great. And then... He throws a little bone. And then... But then it was like, you know, there's that moment where it's like, oh, you're going to be the star.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Like, you know, an even three-person, you know, thing suddenly becomes, like, levels. And suddenly the relationship's not the same. And then, you know, and then he got happy endings and moved out here. And he was also just ahead of us, like, in that he had a serious girlfriend who he'd had since high school who was clearly going to marry and, like, was on this path of like, hey, I got to start getting like shit done. And shit's happening for me in a way that, like, it was, we were selling things. but it's like there was something else out there for him.

So he left and it was hard. There was, I mean, that was, it felt like a breakup. I mean, certainly was like, I was like, oh, I guess he doesn't want to be with us anymore. But a very justified breakup of one where you're like, I get it. It wasn't going on behind our back. It was happening right in front of your face. Yeah, which is something could say it's worse. Walked in and I think it is kind of worse.

But that kind of gets me going. I know. I like to watch it. I like to watch as my life falls apart in front of my eyes. Oh, you're leaving me? This is you walking away from me. This is you writing with someone else. That's what I do right before I finish.

Finish the sentence. Yes. So, yeah, that was. So we already had an experience with that. Look, I will say, but that was an interesting thing because, like, I do think it was, it was very unsaid, actually. I mean, he, it was. Yeah. We haven't really, like, dealt.

We saw them talk. Thank you for opening this up. Thank you for picking that scan. But like, but like it was, there was a, there was no concrete conversation where he was like, all right, guys, I love you. I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. Right? It was just like, I got this thing. I'm going to go do it.

He just, we just came to a home to an empty apartment. Basically. Oh, so I guess he's gone. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Adam? Adam. Oh, he took all his clothes.

Oh, wow. And his girlfriend. I guess he's never coming home. Yeah. Yeah. And so I do think that did give us a little bit of template of like, if we're, if our expectations are starting to not align with our relationship, let's talk about it. So that we don't end up just walking out the door with that.

Yeah, exactly. So we have had those conversations where it's like, where are we right now in our relationship, where are we in this career? And how do we want it to go? You know, us? because Dan is so important to me as a person too and as a business partner we have built a business together but as a person I don't want this

a great fear of mine is that it burns out in a way that like ends with the two of us not speaking to one another which you see you see time and time again and like I just refuse to let that happen and I think that Dan does too but like I'm something I'm very cognizant of being like I never want to like be in a position where it's like I haven't spoken to Dan in a year you know

After that, you know, Clifford the Bidwreck dog, you know, rewrite debacle, you know, like, you know. That says realistic a problem that we could run into in our sense. And I think it's really fucking funny. And the problem is I wanted to do it. And Dan was like, I think we can do something else. And it's, it's Clifford. It's Clifford and it's got, there's an extra two zeros on the back of it. Clivered the big old red, it could be called the Big Green Dog.

Big Green Dog. Big old red dick. Yeah. But, Doug, I really did love that you, you said, I care about Dan as a person first before you said business. And I think that's actually the key to like a solid working relationship. It's like, do I care about this person as a person? Hopefully. And to be a, be a friend and a loving friend, that, I mean, the amount of relationships that are just like, it's just not worth, even if it's going to like burn out in some way, at least do it like up front.

It's honestly, it's the same as a breakup. And again, it's not a breakup. It's any type of difficult conversation you're having in a relationship, it's the same in these types of relationship. In like a romantic relationship. It's the same thing in a friendship. And these are friendships that you are choosing to do something that your whole livelihood rests on,

which is a lot of stress on a relationship. But I think a lot of people enter friendships and they don't realize that they're almost the same as a romantic relationship. Because I feel like society is like, romance is so important. But it's like, no, the thing that's like, the most important is that person I go to talk to about every fucking thing in my life. Yes. Yes. Yeah. No, I know. I mean, I have, I have, most of my important friendships are Doug is, Doug's my medium range friend. I have friends that are a good, like, 20 years older than Doug, too.

Same. And, like, I don't know, it's important to, like, hold on to people. I think so, too. A lot of people don't fucking care. And I'm like, if you don't have friends, you're a fucking freak. You're die alone. And it's going to be very lonely. and I have seen that now with, like, my parents' generation of, like, people who are, like, there's the people who, like, built a community for themselves and the ones I didn't. Oh, my fucking mom broke up with her best friend of, like, 30 years

in her late 60s, and I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? You and Linda need to get back together. It's over, Dan. I don't want to see Linda anymore. Don't speak her name. I'm like, you, you're going to,

You need her to get old with. I'm not there anymore. You need Linda. Yeah, you'll come back. Wait, did they get back together? Hell no. They won't talk. They still won't talk.

Maybe they're hearing this and they'll fucking get back together. Honestly, I consider parent trapping them, honestly. I think you should. I know. Because if your mom's in her 60s, how is she going to make another friend? She's not going to. I don't think that she's concerned about that. This is the problem with these boomers, they don't think they need anyone.

My mom is married and Linda's divorced. And so my mom is like, it's like, and again, Linda's one needs me more than her. No! Your mom's a savage. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. No, no. These old ladies, they fucking fight. I feel bad for Linda. I do, too. I'll go be Linda's friend. Thank you.

You should. She's great. Wait, okay, so both of you are married. Yeah. How did you meet your spouses? I met my spouse doing the same fucking sketch comedy troupe, Hammercats. I love it. You've a very small circle that you dip from. She dated everyone else in the group. Not me.

Not you, Doug. Sorry. And then a couple of years later, after that it burnt out, it was like, hey. She ran through the A squad. She came on over. The A squad? Yeah, pretty much. And she met the D squad.

Yeah. The medium D. Medium D. It has grade D on the restaurant. Yeah. But we were friends for a long time. And then sparks flew eventually. And, yeah, you know, it's friendship first.

that's the best way. I love that you're so much into friendship. Doug, how did you meet your partner? I was not into friendship. I was trying to fuck. That was a real slot. I was in New York. I was really just, I was really trying to have sex with everyone.

All of my friends. And a couple of them I did. I mean, I really was out there doing it and doing it not that well. Actually, this is Doug's move. This was Doug's move. He would start talking to a girl And he would be like I suck in bed and my dick is tiny

And why would you say it out loud? I just needed to get it out there And then But then because you're all His dick is not tiny It's taken from me His best friend I know

I know I want to talk about business He's got the business If I'm really breaking down the move It was Being self-deprecating and funny and also bringing up the idea of sex as well. It's just like, so it's like there's, you know, like,

and you want a low bar to easily class over, you know, and I put that bar so low that I just had to hippity hop over. Just a hippity hop? It worked. Really? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Ah, I got a tiny dick.

You want to get out of here? Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. No, I think I played it more like a little nuance, so I was like, it's not a great dick. And I was like, and it's not going to last that long. You're trying to hang.

You know, that probably would have worked on me. It's like, I don't want to be up late anyway. Go to sleep. A time saver. But how did I meet my wife, who's lovely? I was also a Nicole, by the way. I know. Which really confused my God.

All the Nichols. I do. My wife was so excited. I was coming here. It's just, oh my God. Say, hi, I don't know. I'm just Nicole. And then my daughter was so confused.

She's like, you're Nicole. And I was like, yeah, there's more than one. Wait, how old is your daughter? Seven and a half. That's funny. I don't know when I realized my mother had a real name. It does throw you. It takes a while.

I think I was like too old. And I was like, wait a minute. What? Your name is it, Mom? I was doing a movie with the only movie I'd ever done, still to this day probably. Or like a legitimate act. in it. There was an actress

Lili Sobieski. Mm-hmm. From never been kissed. From never been kissed. And I believe a Joan Arc movie. That's it. And what else? What else was she?

Anyway. Yeah. She had this video of her friend like dancing to George Michael's Freedom like on like her Facebook page. And I was like, who's that? And I was like, I want to meet her. And she was like, okay.

And she set us up on like a date. with like me, her and Lili at Lili's house as we watched like Harold Maud got real high and then my wife had like a freak out

on the weed didn't think I was gonna see her again and now we're together for almost 17, 16 years Oh that's so sweet oh my God do you send Lili Sobieski a gift every year?

We don't but she's doing fine don't worry but she knows about it she came to the wedding I think that's appropriate It is, it is nice Did she officiate the wedding? She did not officiate

Why aren't you giving Louis Sobieski the thing she deserves? She does. She is the person responsible for your relationship and she didn't officiate the wedding. You don't give her a gift on your anniversary? It was a terrible rabbi. Okay. Okay. It was a bad rabbi?

It was a terrible rabbi. Wait, tell me about this bad rabbi. She was just doing bits. He was like, oh, I'm a comedian's wedding. He took it to be like, this is my chance to make it in Hollywood. It was brutal. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was rough. And I was like, don't do this.

Like, I was like, just, like, get through it. Like, it's fun. What an icon. I love that. Do you remember, like, one of the jokes he told? God, I was really, I was in a fugue state. Like, I was, like, sweating. I was just like, stop talking.

It was like, it was supposed to be a happy moment. I could see the gripping the, like, the side of the. So, and, like, my, Nicole was looking at me. She's like, it's okay. Just come back. I was, fuck up. I went to a wedding. He was just so needy, too.

He was needy? So he, when he didn't get laughs, because they were not giving him charity laughs. He's not a professional. comedian? He was hanging out with a bunch of You're in the audience You're like

Oh no This person needs it Yeah When I feel like Someone needs it I'll be like Ha ha ha Exactly

I'll do that There was very little of that People were just like No one was having it And so as that happened He got more Desperate for laughs

So The Mitz just got worse I wish I could remember I'm sure there's a video I never want to see it Ooh put that up online Yeah put it up online Let him get those views

You're like you wanted attention Here's attention Rabbi fail Yeah Rabbi fail I went to a wedding where the, I think it was a minister, he brought up the Ukraine-Russian conflict. Sick.

And I was like, oh, no. As like a metaphor for marriage? Yes. He was like, you don't want your marriage to crumble like the Russian, and I was like, ah, this is wild. That is pretty base level for it. You don't want it to crumble, like the relationship. That was one so stable between.

I think that's what he was going for. So sometimes you've got to talk to Putin. Sometimes you got to talk to old Vladiput. Have you been to a really Catholic wedding where the priest is lecturing you about what marriage is supposed to be? And you're like, shut the fuck up, man. You don't know anything. But I have been to a funeral that was very Catholic. And they kind of lecture you about, like, how you have to live Christ-like.

And I was like, the kid's dead. He was in a drunk driving accident. I think he lived life to the fullest. We're not going to get any good advice on this poor guy. I did, I did, I did, we did meet with a rabbi who, who basically was like, he was basically like, in marriage, you can't have sex every night. He was just, he was like, you want to like kind of build up your, build up your reserves a little bit. Build up your reserves. He was basically just like, he's like, it's like, you know, yeah, like.

And I was like, you want to hold the, you want to hold the thumb on top of the hose for a while. Ew. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. On that cut hose. Wait, that's wild That's gross

It stuck with me for Yeah Why on earth That person said that out loud to anybody But at the time I was like You know, you're right, rabbi You know, because I'm not the young man I once was How old were you when you got married?

I was 29 I think I was 29 or 30 How old were you when you got married? 32 33 maybe Are you kids same age or not?

No, a little younger. We tried to time at one. I know. I called him as I was coming. I was... Hey, are you coming to? I'm making a baby. I was so mad he had a baby.

I was like, what are you doing, Wes? How many years apart are they? Two and a half. Oh, but they can still be friends. Oh, they're still friends. They love each other. They're really cute with each other.

That's two and a half years. They like, like, they went to like a fairy camp together this summer. A fairy camp is a camp in town that basically has created a religion for little girls that they go and they like they worship trolls like she comes home they're boys there too there are boys there too i mean let's it's obviously targeted towards agenda um and uh but anyway there a uh she comes home and and when something bad happens she says it's because the trolls have caused it and you have to like basically pray to pray to the fairies to keep the trolls away and uh and then you if you want to like feel their spirit you

You have to clap 17 times. I thought you were going to say you had to cut open. You need to bleed onto it. You have to bleed onto the ground and feel the earth and you bleed. Well, what I was going to say was that one day. It was a lovely day. One day, Dan's daughter did not want to leave him. It was like sad to leave him.

And my daughter, like, put her arm around her and walked her in and I have a picture of it. It's great. And it's wonderful. It's very sweet. The best thing. I know. And they're both only kids. And so they're, and so the.

Even just them being kind of sisterly with each other is wonderful. I love that. That's so sweet. I know. I feel like we lose a little bit of that like pureness as we get older. It's like you see someone get upset and you're like, hey, grow up. Why the fuck are you crying? As opposed to be like, hey, do you want to hug?

Yeah. Do you need like touch? Do you need to hold your hand and help you? And also without trying to fix it too, as adults were always trying to fix it. It's like, how about just be here? Mm-hmm. And be like, oh. And my daughter has done this before.

It's not a perfect kid, but like she has done this before for other kids when she's like, I know what that feels like. And it's like, that is a lesson that you can take with you forever. That's hard. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Yeah. That is hard. I'm here.

Do you want a hug? Yeah. I learned in therapy that sometimes you just have to say, oh, do you want me? Do you want like a fix? Do you want me to listen? Well, that's a big, that's a big marriage counseling thing too. And it's huge. It helps a lot.

And someone says that to me, I'm like, oh, because then I can stop and be like, Oh, yeah, I just really want to vent. I just got to talk about it. I don't want to fix for this. This is a big marriage lesson, too. Like, it's, and I still have to reteach myself sometimes. And it's like, there'll be times where I'll be talking to Nicole and she'll be like, I didn't ask for actually a solution.

And I'll be like, yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. But I think I have a good one. I think I can fix me. You keep making the same mistake. And you never fix it because you don't listen. I, uh, this was like a couple weekends ago. I had gone to Albertson's to get wine. And then I looked in my purse and I was like, I don't have a wallet.

And then they might card me. So then I asked my boyfriend to come inside with his ID. But then the lady didn't stop her conversation with the bagging lady. So it was unnecessary for him to come in. And then I was like, we have to go back to my car because I left my wallet in the car. Then I got to the car and I was like, it's not in the car. And I looked at my bag. It was just in a different pocket.

And then I was like, oh, no. And then I forgot this other thing. Then we had to go back to the house. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And he was like, hey, it's okay. And that meant so much. because I've dated people would be like, well, if you did X, Y, and Z, you wouldn't lose your shit so much. But he was just there and didn't get annoyed with me and, like, just let it happen.

That's part of you. The fuckups, so the fuckups are a part of it. And he's just okay with it. And it's so nice. And I thanked him, like, a couple of days later. I was like, hey, I just want to say, thank you for not, like, being mean to me or, like, freaking out or, like, telling me that, like, telling me that, like. What a sad sentence. No, no, no, but it's also beautiful, but it's beautiful, though.

No, it's beautiful now. I think this. But this is a happy ending. The past sounds horrific. Thank you for not being mean to me. I mean to me. I mean to me. I was like,

you have no idea. Why? Because I'm an idiot who lost my card. Why would I have a pocketbook with so many different compartments? I don't deserve love. And who needs this many packs of gum? Yes. That's what was like going through my head.

And he was like, it happened. What's going through your bed is I'm not worthy of love. Yes. It's like I'm not worthy of being loved. And I'm going to, and he's going to see that. Yes. And it's, and I deserve whatever shit. I deserve a man who's going to be so, I dated a man who, I'm a late person.

You guys know that. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't aware. No. I was like, 10 minutes late to the date. And then he, like, wouldn't shut up about it. And I apologized, like, a hundred times. And I didn't have a good excuse.

And then I did say at one point, I was like, I am a late person. I'm so sorry. Right. If you check in with me and, like, ask, like, ask, like, half hour before I can tell you if I'll be on time or not and then he was like oh so I have to do more work and I don't know I was trying to make a solution so that didn't work out or you were together for a long time

no we weren't together for a long time we were together for I think like three or four months and then the pandemic hit and then he was like hey I think this is going to be big and I was like I don't think so I'm never wrong about this kind of stuff and then you guys it was pretty fucking big I heard about it turns out it was big

I did hear about that thing. Yeah. Okay, wait, real quick. We have to take a break. Great. Ooh, baby, let's talk bras. Look, I don't know who decided that bras had to be uncomfortable and expensive, but I'm tired of it. You spend all this money and you still end up with something digging into your ribs or sliding all around all day.

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And don't forget, Macy's also has amazing deals on travel essentials, like luggage and beach towels from Charter Club, LaCost, and Tommy Bahama. Visit Macy's.com or swing by your local Macy's to shop all your late summer must-haves today. Okay, can I tell you guys a thing that I did in Miami, California? No, Miami, California. Please tell me about this magical place, Miami, California. I want to know what happened to Miami. So I'm in a hotel, and there's an English couple, and they're fighting in the room.

adjacent to mine. You know how, like, they have those doors where you could, like, have an adjoining room. Oh, yeah, okay. So I really can hear it. Open that door. I'm sorry. You could open the one of two.

Open your side to. And now you're basically in their room. Now you have half the wall between you as opposed to a full wall. Yes. And they were English and she was like, I don't understand what I said. That was so terrible. I don't get you, tell me.

And then he was silent. And she was like, tell me. And he was silent. And she was like, that's right. You're a toxic. Gasshole. And then he was like, And now you're calling me names? And I was like, oh my God, that was a mean fighting tactic.

She asked you a question. All you needed to say was, I don't know, or like, give me a minute or something. And then it kept going. And then I found out that he was mad at her earlier in the day. And he had called her the R word. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, I didn't know that you're going to go there. Okay.

Called her a raspberry? A raspberry. You're a little raspberry. Oh, you're a taunt raspberry. Are you having a laugh now? Oh! What would you do in that situation? Would you just try to go to this Lee? You?

Yeah, you're me listening to these English people fucking fight. I'm getting on the floor. I'm putting my ear at the little crack at the door. And I'm fucking recording it. I'm probably calling Rachel and being like, you got to listen to this. I'm hoping to end in a little squeaky, squeaky. There was no squeaky, squeaky, at one point.

I already know the answer is that you stayed until it was, you finished with them. No, I didn't stay until the end. I wrote them a letter. No! That was not an option That was not an option I would like to Start a quarter of silence

If anyone would like to know Who won the fights It's an impartial judge Well I said If you can't argue Without insulting one another I don't think there's Oh I think there's a lack of respect

Oh my God And I said Oh who do you think you are But we really don't know The content of this fight We really don't know who is right at all Keep going That's what I said

I said one of you might be right or two of you might be right or one of you might be wrong or both of you might be raspberries. You might both be little raspberries, but I think there's a lack of respect. And honestly, it seems like you guys came a far way to be in Miami. And if you can't have a nice time in Miami without fighting two nights in a row because they were fighting the night before, I was like, I think it's time to reevaluate. Famously, Miami is for lovers.

Okay, hold on. All right. So when do you slide this under there and you? Mid-fight. Mid-fight. So you actually broke up the fight? So in the fight, a piece of paper slides under the door. In your mind, what is the next, what's the next thing that happens?

In my mind, they go, she's right. Oh, dearest, oh, dearest Matilda. I think either we squash this, beef. Oh, no, I wouldn't have done that. We break up. But they didn't see it until the next morning because they kept fighting into the night. Because the worst case scenario, which is the most likely case scenario is they pick it up. they read it, they knock on that door.

And they're like, who the fuck are you? Well, at least they're working together now. Yeah, exactly. Yes, I bring them together to kill me. If they knocked on the door, because that's what I have my head went. Yeah. Would you open? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And I'd be like, do you want a mediator? I'll be a mediator. I'm unbiased, partial. We know you would. You sent in a. You already offered that role. Well, they didn't see it until the next morning. And you're already leaving.

You're checking out. Keep going, keep going. I'm not checking out yet. I have a late checkout. So I know they saw it because it was gone, and then they were whispering all morning. So I had to really put my... At that point, they could really open and it.

You're like sticking your fingers under the door crack. You're like, now they're talking about me. They probably were talking about me. Of course they were. And then what? Nothing. Nothing. Did you ever see them?

No. And I'm kind of bummed. And I would have tried to really... I would have waited in that hall to take a look. To put a chair and... that hallway just been like waiting for them to come out. You'd be like, hello? Did you guys figure it out?

I know you saw my letter. I didn't do the letter, but I heard about it. Everyone in the hallway's talking about it. And it was funny because I was on the phone with my friends this year and she was like, wait, what door did you put it under? I was like, the door we share. She's like, so they know it's you.

There's no way they don't. And I was like you should have gone around. You could have gone around. Yeah, but why would I do that? Because you wanted anonymity? when you want to be involved. I did want to be involved. Very clearly. Okay.

Do you ever put a cup to the ear? Do you ever try that? I've done that before. I was once in a, lived in an apartment or I was in an apartment where I didn't live there, where the couple below were fighting. So we would listen with a glass and that was fun. Yeah, yeah. That's always good.

I mean, I had loud sex neighbors and I was like, yeah, I'm going to listen. Are you a binocular person too? Will you look at it? Oh, no, no, no, no. I just listen. I feel like binoculars, that's like a step too far. I don't want to see it. Oh, that's too much.

As opposed to being a couples therapist? I'm sorry. But come on, wouldn't that be so bad? No, it'd be great. It'd be great. We were in Miami and this lady. She sent us a note and then she came in and she was on me, cheat. She tried to fix our relationship.

I think she was on that show nailed it too. Which is a great video game. She's not getting enough residuals for that. Do you think that she gets money from that? nailed it video game. I don't know, but I've never talked about residuals with you. I think I love you again. I love you. We came together over residuals.

Oh, the British pronounce. Thank you. Residules. Let's put it on the schedule. So what you're telling me, you would just let them fight and you wouldn't do a thing? Yes. I would listen. Yeah, I mean, I would have a great time. That's not even an option.

It's not what you said. It was not even, would you write them a letter? There's dozens of things that I would do before. Dozens. You're saying it like, oh, so you're, like, you're surprised. That is an insane thing you did. Well, here's the thing, because I told a couple friends, and they also were like, are you okay?

And I was like, well, I need to gather more opinions on this. You don't. Here's the thing. I still don't think I was in the wrong. You're wrong. But like, I know, look, I can see getting very invested in their story. I can see, like, following them around a little bit, trying to. see if I can get them at the bar, sitting next to the bar, learning more story.

But I want the narrative. I don't want to be involved. The involved part is really the unhinged part. But it also speaks very, like, I mean, it's a quality of, like, I need to be in this, too. There's no story without me. There's the voyeuristic, there's the voyeur part of it that it's like, I would definitely feel guilty about listening. I would keep going. But then I would get nervous, like, if it got violent, what do you do?

Do you call? If I'm in there and I got violent? No, you're not in there, Nicole. You're not a part of this relationship, Nicole. I can't stress this enough. What you did is something very few, if anyone else would do. You're not in there. There's almost no scenarios where you are,

except the one where they open the door and they go crazy on you. Well, I did lock the door. I locked both parts of the door because I was like, oh, they might get mad at me. Oh, but that's after you decided to stop listening. So you throw a letter in, and then you loudly go, click,

Well, I tried to do it softly. Sure, but you wanted to see it. Well, it was too soft. They didn't see it. Yeah. It was too soft. When it was unseen, did you want to like, like, like, get a little stick and you push it.

I will tell you this. When I realized I hadn't seen it, like, that night, I did reopen the door and push it a little. And then you did one of these. And it was like, delivery. Use a note. Roop service. Concerned citizen room service.

I mean, if I heard. since I'm not in the room in this scenario if I heard like bow, bow, bow, I would call the front death. Oh, sure. That's violence, for sure.

Okay, yeah, but that's... But honestly... That's the only version where you get involved, Nicole, in my opinion. I think that's the only version where it's like, someone that I need,

someone needs to stuff. I live next to some meth heads for a while and they were constantly going crazy on each other. Oh, dang. And I was, and I was like always, I was, it was always,

I was always, I did call. call the police once because I was like I think something is happening right now to like to stop whatever violence might be happening but like most of the time it was just it was even they were both they were both evenly going

at each other abusing one another they're abusing one another throwing things and like and so most of the time at first it's like voyeuristic and you're like ooh this is crazy they're crazy and then at some point you're like this is sad that's a weapon yeah I don't really want to listen to this anymore this is just like disturbing and

And yeah, but I never And then I would see them around the neighborhood too And so I would avoid them. Now, if you're Nicole, I would have sent them a letter And then like, this is God. And by saying, you would have been like nails here. I would, we'll send it over.

I'd be like, look over the fence a couple of times. Hello, neighbor. This is the fourth meth fight this week. Do you think that maybe we're not fighting about math? Maybe it's about the person and not the drugs. Yeah. But you could have written a letter and been like, this is God telling you to stop doing meth.

and to break up. And then maybe and your neighbor's thinking it would be great if you were quieter. But maybe they would be like oh my God, God sent us a letter because they're on meth and then maybe you would have changed their lives.

So you had the romantic comedy fantasy of they see this and they're like we got a shitter get off. We got a shit of papa here. You know like we came all the way to Miami. I don't know what that is. It's a pretty good English accent.

We got to do it get off the loop. Got to do and get off the loo. Get off the loo. Here's the thing. Yes. Because I always think I have, like, what is it? Like, wishful thinking or, like, I don't know. Wackadoo thinking.

I don't know. Narcissistic personality disorder. No, I think the doctors call it wakado. Wackadoo narcissistic personality. You're a classic wakado. This is a clear wakadoodle. Like, okay, kiss me. Like, you guys run into each other and you're like, we should be in the same improv group.

I feel like it's like we get this letter and it's like, oh my God, wow, someone from the outside. We got played, we have a room across the pond. We're in Miami, the most romantic city in all the world. All the people to be placed next to, we got a narcissist who believed that she could fix us. She was at the center of our story. By God, she fixed us good. But maybe if you're like insulting your partner and then someone goes, if you're insulting each other while fighting maybe there's no respect maybe you're like oh my god maybe we aren't respecting one another

and you know so you're hoping they would break up really that's the most likely no no you're hoping they made a decision one of the other yes right because clearly they're caught in a cycle yes and that's fair because it felt like that this was a thing that happened over and over and over again where like someone because she was like you were mad at me all day which means that like maybe this happens a lot where he's just not saying what's making him upset and then they're calling each other names and that's not nice not nice that's not nice hey snoring Oh, nice. They're both being a big...

Bava. Both being a bit comfy. Yeah, I'm not going to give you what you want here. Mars, would you have written a letter? No. No, no. Nicole, stop asking people. Now I beg of you.

I can answer the question now for everyone. Okay. No. Fair. All right. And it would not cross their mind either. That's so wild. All of our brains are different.

One time... No, no. Just yours. One time my wife received a letter. in a restaurant who she was young probably like nine or ten

with her parents and someone snuck a letter to their table they didn't know who and it said your family

is farting too much you're ruining this restaurant and they looked around they're like who said that and it was true I mean they were

farting too much they were they were they were they're really disgusting public farters and so and so anyway

I respect that letter. Wait, you're on that person's side? Now that. Well, now they're really invading my... Like, it's like this is too much farting. This is wild. I don't know. To me, that person was a hero. Because that person doesn't... I don't think that person was like... It had the

fantasy of, you know what? You said that. I'm changing my whole views on farting now. Thank you that letter. I think it's just like, hey, stop farting. I'm trying to eat my lasagna. Wait, what kind restaurant were they at? It was a Bowery's prime rib? That's really funny. That's pretty fancy.

It's pretty fancy to be farting, right? They're really expensive. If you're having your big Lowry's night out and someone's just ripping and belching the whole time, you're like, I can't enjoy. You got the club sitting next to you? I can't enjoy this cab. I can't enjoy this cream of mushroom. Here's the thing.

I probably would not write a letter in that scenario. You just go up and say, stop farting? No, I, I, I, wait a minute. But now you're turned against letters? I was trying to throw you a bone. No, I'm not turned against letters. I don't know if it would occur to me. to write a letter at a restaurant.

No, it doesn't occur to me either. Also, who's got the pad? Yeah. You know, you go to the front and you're like, can I have this little, the little notebook? These people are farting. But also,

how do you pinpoint the table of farters? Are they like, I think it's, farting also counts as burp, gaseous, right? Because if I remember correctly, there's some burping that happens. There was, but they were accused of farting.

Yeah, they were accused of audible farting and smells. That's really funny. There's an emanation. Yeah. I have a question. Do you ever go on, like, family vacations together? Us? Yeah.

We've talked about it, especially now that we have a kid, I think it would be fun. We've done, like, group stuff. We've done groups of stuff. We met in London for the premiere. And then we actually had before, we wrote, we're Razzie-nominated writers. And we wrote the Dr. Doolittle reboot. We did the reshoots writing Yes

And so, but famously that ends with You can't blame us all completely Yeah, you can blame reshoots I think reshoots and rewrites When the movie's happening Is a little bit too much Too many cooks in the kitchen Oh, it's a nightmare

If you got to that point Yeah, yeah exactly So we were we jumped into the deep end of garbage For a while Yeah so we did like a little Family vacation in London In a good way for that And yeah

It's been a minute It has been a minute, but, you know, they'll come over for dinner or whatever, and the kids will play. There's also, you know, you're like, we spend a lot of time together. Yeah, like a lot. You have to, like, you have to space it, you have to like, you have like, it's all part of, you know, it's like the rabbi said. You can't fuck every night. Don't, yeah, you got to, what did you say? Put a finger on the, the cut hose.

Yeah, you got to cover that. That grossed me out, and I liked it. Yeah, I know, I knew you would. I really do love a joke where I'm like, ew. If you learn anything. Think about it later and I'm like, yuck! That's an image. And now every penis is just green with a metal top to it.

Oh. Ugh. I mean, Nicole, we worked together a little bit. We did. Was I a good friend? You were a good friend. Also, so easy to work with. Oh, thank you.

And so funny and, like, effortless. And I will say, you are very good at communicate. Because you asked me and Betsy, you're like, how do you guys work together? And we were like, ah, get out, yeah, we got. Yeah, it was like, oh, good, they haven't thought about this at all. Okay, great. Nope. But then, also, you're very good at handling, like, network notes and stuff.

Like, that was wild to me the way you handled it. Take it on a chin, yeah. But no, but, yeah. Yeah, sometimes they'd be like, we don't know if the couple or the, the, the friendship in this is strong enough. But then there would be a line that's like, I love you. And it's like, well, I don't know how you can make that stronger. But then you would be like, well, we'll just add X, X, and Z. So, yeah, I think you have a very good work relationship with friends.

And I haven't worked with you yet, Doug, but I assume. I mean, Dan and I are in a non-monogamous relationship. That's something else we have to. Oh, that is interesting. Do you ever get, like, jealous when one of you is working with another person? Not jealous. Look, Dan writes a lot with his wife, which is amazing. And I worked with the three of us have worked together.

I worked on a crazy ex-girlfriend. I could not be a huge, bigger Rachel Bloom fan. So, no, it's, the only thing is, it's just like, I'm just like, okay, well, how is this going to work with my schedule? And, like, if I'm not doing that, what am I doing? And then I, you know, I'm creating, you know, other things. And, you know, I had a show on Netflix and then, but, you know, Dan's my first hire. We found this business is such bullshit. Yeah.

That, you kind of, I mean, you kind of can't say yes to enough things to ever have it be like full-time employees. Like, it's just, it's, oh, the amount of plate spinning. The amount of downtime is so psychotic because everything is, is nothing until suddenly it's something. Until everything is going in, they're like, why is everything going at once? Right. Yeah, I had a wild week and I was out to, and I had like this screening last night and then went to dinner after. And my friend was like, how much money do you need? Why don't you say no to some things?

And I was like, well, it gets to a point where like, it actually isn't about the money. Yeah. It's about like, I like being busy and I really like working. And if you don't say yes to, like, 20% more things and you probably should, then you will suddenly be, like, 20% under-employed. Yes. It's like there's never a perfect amount. It's always too much or too little.

Yeah. And I worked with somebody who is a pretty famous person. And they were like, well, I say yes to a lot of things because there's going to be a point in time where nobody's going to ask me to do these things. Well, I mean, there's a fear of scarcity. Yeah. And we all come up so, so unemployed, so desperate, so shock. that anyone's going to pay us to do this.

Yeah. That you really, it's very hard to unlearn the lesson of saying yes to everything. Yeah. And then this very famous person was like, well, if they feel that way. I mean, we're talking about. Vin Diesel? It was Vin Diesel. Oh, my God.

He was like, I got to do Fast and the Furious. You can't say no to a Fasten Fury, but only one more time am I getting behind the GeoTRAC. I think that's on the horizon for you. I'm dying to be in the Fasten Furious. You absolutely can get in the Fasten Furious. I feel like you should be. Have we put this out in the world? other than here.

Yes. Okay. Great. Okay. Yes. I have like certain things that I've told my managers that I was like, please tell these people I would like in. I'll do anything.

I'll do anything. Any fucking thing. You want to run over somebody? I'll run me over. I would love for Vin Diesel to run me over. And then I'm like, oh my God. Don Tourette. I just be like, it's you.

I mean, that would be amazing. Oh my God. Then you really wouldn't have to do anything else. Yes. Then you'd be like, actually, my. You'd be the most famous death in the fest. That has filled my cup. And I can.

And I can come back because, spoiler, Michelle Rodriguez does die in the franchise and she comes back. Paul Walker, who, where she? Has not died on the franchise. He's technically, but he's somehow hasn't died on the franchise. I know, wild, but he's still a ghost there. He's still in the movies. I mean, that's what they did in just like that. Stanford died in real life, but he's not dead.

Did they CGI him in? Oh, no, they didn't kill the character. No, no. So the character went to Japan. They did, it did feel really terrible, though. They're like, it was such a flimsy excuse to get him out. They're like, he just left. And it's Mario Cantone giving you all that information.

It's like great. It's so grating. And it's like, we'd love Sanford. Yes. And then it's like, but I wish they'd killed Samantha because then I'm like, at least I'm not waiting for her to show up. It's like every time, every second of that show, I'm like, where the fuck is Samantha? I know.

And I watched every single episode. God rest of soul. You know? Well, I also, they weren't nice to the fans. No, I mean. When they were like, this is how we decided to end. And I was like on a Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving episode in August?

Do you think they knew? What, that people hated the show? No, it got canceled. I think I can't like, I mean. There's something like how. You don't think they knew when they were writing the episode that it was their last episode? No. I did.

I do only because it leaves no questions. It's all like this is the, they might have like, I think they started maybe because the rumor out there is that he is going in to do the Lisa Kudra show. Oh, so we can do two things at one. Like they can take... I mean, that show takes 10 years between seasons. I don't know, but it didn't feel like a great ending. No.

But it wasn't a good show. But it did feel like an ending. Because there's no like questions left over. It's like we're closing this family up. We're closing this family up. Even season two, the questions kind of suck. They were like, so wait, she's going to wait. Did 10 years for him?

That's not a thing. Nobody, that's not a thing. I mean, that whole situation was so wild. So crazy. My whole thing. I'm a huge fan of the show. I love sex in the city. I see every episode at least four, five, six, 20 times.

I was like, she never belonged with Aden. Aiden did not fundamentally like her and wanted to change her. He wanted her to quit smoking. She loves smoking. She didn't want to get married. He desperately wanted to get married. And I was like, sure, have them reconnect. But maybe for like two episodes?

I don't know. Not a whole season and a half. The whole show made no sense. The whole reboot made zero sense. Well, I mean, it could have, though. I mean, if you really think, the premise is like, it's a good premise that they never cared to do. It was like, oh, what's it like to be single in your 50s? And they never got into that.

We never got to, we never got to carry getting out there and getting some weird fucky stories. Yes. Which was just do the first. You know. It's also where you really miss Samantha. Yes. First of all, even though Sex and City was always funny and beautiful, she still was the levity even like all the time. It's like trying to do Seinfeld without Kramer.

It's like, just don't, just don't. I've never seen an episode of Seinfeld. Well, there's his character Kramer. It's a lot like sex in the city. And he is sort of the Samantha. He's sort of the Samantha of... That's Jason Alexander? You know, Jason Alex...

I would say Jason Alexander is the Miranda. Okay. So who's Kramer? Kramer is the same neighbor. He's the tall man who doesn't like black people... Fuffy hair. Eventually, not in character. He just...

Out of character. He was like, I don't like him. Kramer, I don't know his feelings about black people But he And then I say Elaine is Elaine is the This metaphor is falling apart

Hey it's okay They're not alike guys It's okay They're both just on TV and in New York But I agree Doing a reboot without Samantha is Wild Immediately

A little sacrilegious And you can feel like the gaping hole Every time she should be in a scene In a conversation Yes And the dynamic of like, let's talk about fucking perimenopause sex. Right.

Yes. Yes. And they didn't touch on those issues. I feel like they tried to stay like. So the thing I liked about the show watching it in my 20s is like, oh, that's what my 30s will be like. Right. So like me watching it just like that, I should be like, oh, so that's what my 50s will be like. But like, that's not what I felt.

I thought at the moment the moment Big Dies in the pilot, you're just like, whoa, great. Great. We're about to go into exactly the perfect show. Yes. We undo the happy ending. Yes. You are starting a great new premise. Now she's out there again.

She's out there again. And then I thought, since it's, you know, part of the canon that Steve cheats on Miranda, maybe he cheats again. And then that's why she goes to explore her queer identity. That just felt a little forced to me. Oh, it did. Oh, my. The most joyless. Truly.

Every time the camera was on it. So it was just so joyless. It felt like it was that she had read every thing piece about Sex and City. I was trying to correct it in the first two episodes, which made it worse. And then when she couldn't talk to black people, her, like, professor, I was like, this lady dated a black man for half a season. And she's also like...

Which was a great little runner. Yes. She's also like this highly accomplished professional person. Like, why do we have to... And then she becomes an intern. Complete moron. She was a partner at a law firm. And a moron.

She becomes really stupid. She just became like every lame white person in that time period. It was like, I don't know. Yes. Well, I guess I just don't know. And that made me feel crazy. Yeah. And then I was like, the way they did, the way they did Steve made me feel crazy.

Yes. They're like, let's give him some big old hearing aids. And then not touch on it again. And then just be like, oh. And then they're going to have the most awkward finger scene over. And then it's like, and then he's just going to be kicked to the curb. I didn't like that at all. No, that was me.

But I will say, had the show continued, I'd watch every single episode. I love those characters. Oh, no. My wife had a weekly group that she was watching with. Same with my wife. Yeah. And so I ended up watching, like, half of it. And I'm just like, I can't believe this is happening right now.

Yeah. I mean, I have so many thoughts. Anyway. Do you think anyone cares about this that we're talking? I don't know. This is great because I just totally forgot I was on a podcast. I'm just having a conversation about sex in the city. I don't know if that's good for your sponsors or whatever that is.

Hey, listen. It doesn't matter. Yeah, we're great. I had a nice time talking about it. And I've been dying to talk about the finale with people. Well, I'm happy to be the first for that. Obviously, I'm the pro. The finale is so crazy.

It almost made. I thought the episode before was the finale, and I was like, what the hell had they done? And then I found, and then I found myself wishing that they had just ended it, like, where she's, like, typing and she had the conversation about the new carry who lives in her place. I'm like, all right, that's something. Yeah, then also the new carry, that blew me away. Is that a backdoor pilot? Yeah, I didn't. No, that's what it felt like a little bit.

No, she cannot carry it. I'm sorry. Oh, she can't carry it. That's a good old pun. Here's a question before we wrap up. Please. Is there any advice that you have for single people who are, looking for lerv.

This is something that I definitely, after dating a bunch of people and like having mediocre relationships or just like, I would throw people away too quickly. Oh. I think I would be like, I'd be like, that's wrong. I don't like that.

Fuck them. And I remember when I got in my relationship with my now wife, I remember being like, she's great. Don't, don't, don't like toss this at the first problem. And that was a really important lesson.

It was like, oh, like, nothing, things don't have to be perfect. They have to be really good. They have to be like something really good and special. And then if something is not perfect, you work through it. Because it's important to not run at the first problem. I like that a lot. I think that's really nice. And do.

Um, a couple thoughts. because I've been in marriage counseling for like on and off and we discovered this thing called Amago, which is like a certain kind of therapy. There's this book called Getting the Love You Want. And the premise of it is basically that you find the person who basically like fits in perfectly with like your biggest fears and concerns and therefore can be the most triggering person for you, but is there to help you heal your childhood wounds by working through it, which, which was like an eye-opening experience

because it just spoke to arguments that we were having. So I will say that in terms of the idea of things being easy once you get past the first couple months, I think is a misnomer because then you're left with like who you really are.

And it's not to say stay in a bad relationship, but don't be so quick. And then I also say, don't, this was the problem I had was like, don't be so disgusted by the person who really likes you. Like I was like, you know, the famous quote

I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member. For a long time, when I was out there, I was like, I was really only interested in the people who were like sort of interested in me. Oh, interesting. And like the women who like really liked me, I almost was just like, I'm not interested and maybe kind of turned off by it. And then with Nicole, I had the very like, I was like, this is exactly who I want to be with.

Don't fuck this up because of your own issues. And I'm happy I didn't, but it was like really the first time in like for like 10 years that I was with someone that was like, I wasn't worried if she was going to call me or I was going to call her. There were no games about that. So don't be afraid of being with the person who like wants to be with you. If that's not that that's so easy for everyone, but for my personality, for whatever reason, I wanted the person who was like, for lack of better word, hard to get or ungetable. I like that. I like that a lot. My second date with my boyfriend, he was like,

it's nice to see you again. And I said, what do you mean? How dare you? Because in my mind, it was like, if you're just telling me it's nice to see me, then I'm like, so then I don't have to chase you. You're just telling me things. You're just telling me the truth.

So I very much identify with that. And I think that's very good advice. The way I said that was insane. It was British. It was British. I think it's what happened when you were talking about a really emotional thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Your heart is. We can stay on that feeling, Nicole. We don't have to joke about it. You have been therapists. Girl, you have no idea. Because sometimes my therapist will be like, well, let's just jump back to that thing you glossed over. There's nothing worse when you're like, let not go to a boy. I'm trying to be funny.

Are you going to say that I'm funny or not? Back up to the part that was Nicole, who felt vulnerable, voice cracked, went into a bit. Uh-huh. You know, like. And it's very hard to be vulnerable. I'm not good. I mean, why do you think we all got into comedy, too? Like, it's not a...

Ain't because we're happy. We're all looking for validation somewhere. Yeah. Daddy. Anywho, that's it for this episode. Thanks for having us. Go see naked gun. Anything.

What? Go see a naked gun. Nicole. Do you have anything you wanted to promote? And yes. Yes. Naked gun. The naked gun is still in theaters when this comes out, I believe.

On Friday. Still in theaters. Go check it out. Now. Go do it now. See it with people. Go do it. And if you listen to this later, click on your demand and

click on that. Yeah. But honestly, go to the theater. Yeah. Enjoy yourself. I don't want movie theaters to go away. I think seeing movies is a magical thing.

I know. It is me and Nicole Kidman. And it is magic. It's great. She's not wrong. I went with Betsy and Gilemono, and I had the best time. They are the loudest audience members in the world.

I refuse to go with them. They're too loud. And it is a truly delightful throwback experience to be in a big crowd of theater, seeing a big stupid comedy, Everyone's just, like, laughing and having a nice time. Yeah, it's really, really funny. It's a nice human experience.

Yeah. Like, I've seen, okay, my favorite movie is Craven. And I think it's my favorite movie because I saw it in theaters. Is it the one movie you saw this decade? No, I've seen more so, Madam Webb. Oh. And I will say that was better in theaters than it was at home. You really know how to pick up.

Madam Webb was made for the theaters. It really was. Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Well, I asked my guess this, too. Would you guys date me? Definitely, Nicole. Is it, would you date me or why won't you date me?

Well, no, no, would you date me? I see how that's confusing. Would you, I'm intimidated by you. Oh, all right. I find you to be intimidated. I find you to be sexually intimidated. I thought about this before. Wow, sexually intimidating.

No, I go gobble, gobble, gobble, before I suck a dick. No, I almost exclusively date, like, loud comedians. That was my whole history. It was like, I only date women. We're very, very big, very big personality comedians. Wow, so I guess you wouldn't date me. Oh. Just kidding.

I'm loud as good. So demure. Yeah. All right. Well, I take those answers. Yeah. Thank you. You file them away.

Filed them away. Put them in my heart and I go, mm. One said yes. One said no. One said no out of fear. Because I remember, I remember you talking about a therrigan using a therogun. You know what's funny? My sister brought that up once.

And I was like, stop. Listen to this podcast It is totally forever ingrained in my head It's like, well, I could not please her Like, because that is like That was during the pandemic That was what I'm not judging you

I'm just more like I had COVID I couldn't feel any I couldn't taste I couldn't taste I couldn't feel And I was like I needed a therrigan

The orgasm Jack hammering That is I do like a thericum still Anyway And it's not COVID And it's not COVID anymore Baby

Down here it's always COVID Oh, that's sad to think about. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you could like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at gmail.com, I will read it. Please keep submitting them because they're fun for me. Hello, Nicole and Mars. I recently rewatch Nicole's special BBW after she mentioned on a recent episode of her show. The special inspired me to write a dirty little message.

In my fantasy, Nicole will attend Frolicon with me. Frolicon is like the naughtier version of DragonCon also in Atlanta. I don't even know what DragonCon is. It's like a big comic book convention. For dragons? No, just like pop culture in general. Oh. It's like even, it's like a step down from...

Comic Con. A couple steps, I think. So Frolokon is a step down from the step down. Oh, okay. So we'll go to a sex party with a glory hole area. I'll be wearing a green lingerie onesie that has so many straps. It seems impossible to get on. And we definitely had a ton of laughs and a few tears when you help you get dressed

that evening. You'll be wearing lavender stockings, I love purple, and a garter belt with a leopard bra and panties. All my favorite colors. At the glory hole, you and your very sweet boyfriend will be our personal bouncer. He'll only fuck you if that's what you want. And he'll only let the nicest

guys were the most aesthetically pleasing penises fuck me. While we're getting fucked through the glory hole, we'll giggle, hold hands maybe this a little bit, and then your boyfriend will fuck your brains out while I get to watch you make funny faces while your mind is being blown. To finish the evening, we'll all give each other high fives or doing a great job with clear consent.

And getting lots of orgasms from CeC. Thank you, CeC. This was thoughtful. That was nice. Wow. I liked that it ends with a high five. Yeah. After just getting railed, eight ways to Sunday.

I like this thing while you're getting fucked through a glory hole. Then we give each other a yay team. Yeah. Nice middle level intimacy. Well, after all that, you got to bring yourself down and be like, oh. Okay. I've had too much touch today. Oh, you, Cece.

Yeah, exactly. High five. Well, that's it. Bye-bye! Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Beyer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kennefkaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue. With guest research by Lindsay Kempf.

Our VP of Content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our Thieve music is arranged by Mike Comete. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Alana Hope Levinson.

And I'm Dan O'Sullivan. And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. We're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week, we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of. Some you definitely haven't, but all of them are going to help explain why America is like this. See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba to Las Vegas. Gay bars.

Who knew? Who knew? The mobs involved. All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.