Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Granny Chaser (w/ Tenderoni)

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

Drag king Tenderoni (Winner of The Drag Queen of the Year Pageant 2021) chats with Nicole about why they love older women, the challenges of performing as a drag king on your period, the scandalous story behind how they met their 12-year partner, and shares tips on how to be a flirt. Plus, Nicole reads some cringey dating app pick-up lines she's received.  Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Want to leave Nicole a dirty message? Submit it all to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take me to Disney and push me out of a ride. I don't know the rides at Disney, but you could push me out of a ride at Disney, and I would dust myself off and be like, hey, wait for me. Don't you love me? Okay, my guest today is a Chicago-based

drag king. They were the winner of the Drag Queen of the Year pageant in 2021. It's Tenderoni! Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Thank you so much for doing this. Oh my god, thank you for having me. I'm like so obsessed with this podcast. Thank you for having me i'm like so obsessed with this podcast thank you for listening i like doing it okay tenderoni i have a question i mean it's probably a question you get asked often but how did you come up with the name tenderoni so tenderoni was actually my graffiti name before my drag name. Oh. So back in the day, I was a little graffiti artist,

and that was my artist name. And Tenderoni comes from two songs that are close to my heart, Bobby Brown Rony and Michael Jackson PYT. And Rony, you know, Rony's just a young thing that, like, is fly and sexy and has a penchant for older women and that is also me so i'm a tender so it's kind of a blend of that a lot of people think it's food related but they just don't get the references i thought it might have been food related but now i get the references and you're into older women oh. What is it about an older woman? I don't know.

I just love to be bossed around. I love older women. It's like I'm a, what do you say, a granny chaser. A granny chaser? No, I love, you know, I just love women who like they age like fine wine. I love people who are assertive. I don't know. I mean, you know, my number one is michelle visage don't tell her but but that's my like holy grail like yes diva okay i like that i i mean why not go for an older person like hopefully they have their shit together. They've lived a little.

They've experienced things. And hopefully they know what they want. Exactly. So I'm into it. But also, I have never heard the term granny chaser. And I fully fucking love that. I mean, my girlfriend that I'm with right now, she's nine years older than me. She likes the term.

Like I say, it's her. Good morning. Your granny Chase is here with some coffee. I love it. That's so funny. How did you guys meet? How did you meet your girlfriend? So it was actually kind of a scandal.

My girlfriend, we've been together for 12 years. So that's like. Damn. That's a long ass time. Long, long, long time. She was actually my boss at a shoe. We used to work at a shoe store in Boston. And we're not going to name the brand.

But we she was I was a sales associate and she was my manager. And, you know, like, I mean, I was working retail. And, like, when I work retail, like, you know, after shift ends, we all go out to a bar. Like, we go out drinking. Like, we were having fun. And she was coming with us. And then we started going to the gay club. I'm like, okay, Deva, you want to go to the gay club with us?

So we went to the gay club and things things just kept happening and then uh after a while she wasn't my boss anymore so okay she was a different kind of boss if you know what i mean yeah she was a different kind of boss so is it true what they say that uh women tend move faster and they're like, I love you almost immediately. And then they like, what is the joke? It's like they bring a U-Haul after the first date or whatever. Do you find that to be true? Yes and no. I don't like it.

It's weird. It's a weird trope. They're like, yeah, U-Haul lesbians, which is very like you take exactly what you're saying. You take a U-Haul to the second date. But I just feel like, I mean, for me, women just know what they want and they're direct. So it's like, if this is what we want to do, this is what we're going to do. It's weird because it's less mind games than a man, but also more mind games because it's a woman. I don't know how to explain that, but if you know, you know it. I feel like I understand that.

It's like maybe with a man, you don't understand the mind games because you're like, what the fuck? And then with a woman, it's like, I think I see what you're doing. And I raise you this. Exactly. It's very much like it's more intellectual type of mind game. My podcast has a lot of gay men who listen to it and i hope they saw that read it was a fucking read that was very funny it's intellectual between women y'all dudes are

fucking dumb um did you uh what a boring question but like have you always been out did you come out did you date men before how tell me about how we got to tenderoni of today yeah so like I did not come out until I was like 20 years old so I was kind of a late bloomer but my mom was always like I knew you were gay since you were younger. I was just like, I don't know. I guess I was a weirdo when I was younger. I was like a Michael Jackson impersonator. Wait, wait. When you were younger,

you were like a Michael Jackson impersonator? Yeah. This is delightful. So like as a child? Yes, I was obsessed with Michael Jackson. I used to wear like a sparkly glove. I used to like wear my, I had an airbrush jacket with a thriller on the back. And this is like 1984.

This is like 2002. So I was very weird. I was like the Michael Jackson girl in my high school. I would like, I would perform in the cafeteria at lunch, like doing Michael Jackson dancing. Really? I'm from Western Massachusetts, so my high school is very Black and Puerto Rican. That's like the demographic of my hometown. So everyone loved it because they're like, no, Michael.

I was like, Michael Jackson, girl. But in my head, I was like, I have all these weird things about me. Like, I'm an artist. I was like, in my heart, I knew I was gay. But I was like, I don't want to put another, like, thing on me. Yeah, you're already Michael Jackson girl. You don't want to be the gay Michael Jackson girl. But I was also like, I knew I was gay.

But I was like, let me test the playing field. So I definitely had lots of boyfriends in high school, too. So I love this. That you're like, I'm weird. I was the of boyfriends in high school so i i love this that you're like i'm weird i was the michael jackson girl in high school i would perform at lunch give them a free show but also you were slaying dicks so like seems as such you were very popular in high school i had lots of boyfriends i was like why not try it out test it out you know see what's going on i did i went to a trade school, so, you know, I was pulling trade. I mean, that got me good.

What was the trade? Yeah, what was the trade like at your school? No, I'm kidding. What trade school did you go to? I went to Putnam Vocational Technical High School in Springfield, Massachusetts. It's a long name, but I went to that trade school and like basically half of the year was academics. And then the other half is like whatever trade you chose. What was the trade that you chose? Graphic design, like a good gay. But back then it was called commercial art. Commercial art. You know,

graphic design really jazzed it up like it just seems a little bit more professional or whatever i feel like everybody should go to a trade school we did academics if you want to call it that all year round and i learned nothing i should have learned how to do anything that was good like learn teach me how to do my fucking taxes i don't understand the school system here but you know what it did kind of bite me in the ass because then as soon as i went to college i was like yes i went to art school i was like oh i love it and then when i had to write my first paper i was like i don't know how to do this i was like i don't know how to write a paper i mean i still don't know how to write a paper and i'm certain that i wrote some

like citing your sources and like what is it like a bibliography or whatever I was like when do you ever need that I don't know I was just like yeah as an adult nobody has ever asked for my bibliography it's so extra it truly is um okay so your mom knew you were gay so that wasn't a surprise. So yeah, your parents, your mom is supportive that you're a drag king? My family is 100% supportive. Like my mom had me really young. She had me when she was 19. My dad was 21. And my mom came from super Catholic family.

And my dad came from a Jehovah's Witness family. So basically they were like teenagers, like fucking. They had me. And they're like, we're putting any like religion on you or any rules on you. You can do whatever you want. So I got very lucky that my parents are very chill and laid back because they had like these two extremes growing up that they're like, you can just we're just going to let you thrive and do what you want. That's honestly nice and very lucky. Very, very lucky. Tell me how you became a drag king.

I feel like there's a ton of kings, and they don't get the exposure that drag queens get. And then you have a lot of, I guess they're called bio queens, which sounds insane to me. I think a lady drag queen is just a drag queen. But you see a lot of that but you don't see a lot of drag kings and yeah i wonder why so what what what pulled you to the masculine side of uh drag i don't know i feel like when so when i was growing up i was

always obsessed with drag i always tell my mom like the first person I was in love with was like John Loguizamo and Tuong Phu. Like, that was the first woman I ever felt in love with. That's fucking funny. And I'm like, that's when I knew. I was like, that's it. That's it for me. And then I was always like obsessed with Tuong Phu, you know, Birdcage, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. And I was just like, I want to be in this.

Like, I want to do this. But I was never exposed to a drag king. I was just like, this looks fun. I want to do it. But it's always very... Back then, it was very black and white. Boy goes into girl. It's a cast of characters, but drag queens were always this into that. And then growing up, I was just like, you know what? I mean, I'm going to go out. I'm going to have fun. And I did my little Michael Jackson dabbling. So I always had like my little performer inside of me. And it wasn't until I moved to Chicago. I moved to Chicago almost eight years ago now. And I was exposed to the drag scene here where I was like, whoa, there's a whole other

side of drag that I've never seen. There's club kids here. There's burlesque here. There is insane pageantry like Miss Continental is hosted here. Like there's so there's such a rich history of drag that I was exposed to like right off the bat. I was like, oh, shit, like there's so much stuff happening. So then when I came here, I saw my first ever drag king in person. His name is Dusty Balls. Oh, that's a good name is Dusty Balls.

Ooh, that's a good name. Dusty Balls. When I saw that, I was like, wait, I was like, maybe I can do this. Because I was always on the sidelines like, yes. I was like, let me pick up the tips. Let me do this. Let me stage manage. But then as soon as I saw that, I was like, I want to try try this so I signed up for a local competition I slapped a mustache on and the rest is history that's five years ago I love that's fun uh it is fun because uh I feel like a lot of people are truly only like no shade to drag race I think drag race has brought drag to the mainstream to people who wouldn't normally be exposed to that um but it does create a kind of a like a binary i don't know if i use that word there but like i feel like a lot of people think that's the only way to do drag like expensive drag uh always like very fishy drag uh you know

always padded drag and it's like no there's all different types like you said like burlesque drag kings club kids like lee bowery is one of my favorite uh yeah i don't know if you can call him a drag queen or king but like performance artists like it's just you know so much so much weirder shit than you get to just see on tv yeah i also think like drag kings get judged a little harsh because people have like, what, 13, 14 almost seasons of drag race. Drag queens have that as a reference. Like drag kings don't have that. So it's like, oh, I want to do drag. But like where, like what are you looking up to? Like for me, I was lucky that I was like obsessed with pop culture and music that I'm like, my heroes are like George Michael Prince, like David Bowie, like Michael Jackson.

Like my heroes are like George Michael Prince, like David Bowie, like Michael Jackson. So I was like when I was creating my character, those were my influences that I applied. But young up and coming kids, I mean, unless they're being like indoctrinated from their parents about good pop culture, you know, they don't have a reference for it. So I do love Drag Race. Don't get me wrong. Like I've been a Drag race fan since season one i i like have been watching since 2009 and i respect drag like the journey of drag race and i also respect rupaul like kids are so like harsh these days like rupaul has like gone through it like this like rupaul has set the stepping stones and it's like i like to think about it like as like my grandpa a little bit where i'm just like you know he doesn't understand

what it is but he's just like moving forward so it's like uh rupaul has put all of this energy forward to introduce drag to the mainstream and i think changes are being made little by little like there's a there's a trans like there's so many trans women on this season. Gottmik was the first trans man. The Drag Race UK has the first AFAB queen on the show. So I don't like to erase that because those are definitely steps moving forward. I love that there's so many firsts happening on Drag Race. If they want to do a Drag King, I'll be available. Tell them they can go watch my audition tape. I'm available tell them they can go watch my audition tape put it out

into the world I would love to see it because I think a lot of people think there is like no artistry in being a drag king but like you contour your face you put on facial hair and it's fun drag queens is like they're trying to make their face into a circle

I'm trying to make my circle into a square and they think that I don't have to circle. I'm trying to make my circle into a square. And they think that I don't have to tuck. Like, you know, I have to tuck my fupa. You know how much Spanx I have on. It's also hard because drag queens are so young now. Like everybody in the scene is like in their early 20s. Like I'm 33 and I'm just like trying to keep up with these young ass kids my god 33 you dinosaur no i'm kidding i'm either 34 35 or 36 who's to say i refuse to learn

i'm 25 with a couple years experience baby i want to like i would you know do be a drag king or do you know masculine drag but I feel like I look too much like Kenan Thompson and it's like not not it you know I'm not saying Kenan Thompson doesn't look good but I'm just like anytime I've looked at myself or I look like a little boy I'm like hmm yeah definitely seeing a lot of Kenan I look just like my dad in drag. Oh, yeah? Yeah. My mom's like, oh, my God, you look like Poppy.

She always texts me all the time. I love it. So are you a full-time, you're a full-time king? Yeah, I do drag full-time. I love that. I host the show every other Saturday here in Chicago. I mean, I just love doing drag. I've been, ever since I won the show every other Saturday here in Chicago. I mean, I just love doing drag. Ever since I won the pageant, I've been super fortunate to have bookings in other cities.

And especially because I won the pageant right when they were lifting a little bit of the bans for COVID. So it was a cool way to get back into doing drag with this title. I'm like, yes, they have a drag queen of the year. So winning that pageant did change like a little bit of your career a little bit. Oh, yeah, definitely. I'm so grateful for that pageant and for Alaska and Lola for like just creating a platform for all different types of drag. But it's definitely I mean, since that happened, I was like, I was in a New York Times article.

I was one of the first drag kings to perform at Lollapalooza this year. They had a drag set. That's exciting. Congratulations. Thanks. So it's cool because there's a lot of firsts, but I think it's a kind of like a drag renaissance happening right now where people are like, people are being introduced to different types of drag and it's a positive uh experience i always say if i'm someone's first uh exposure to a drag king i

think of it as like a job interview i'm like i need like every every time you say hey i'm like i don't know who's in the audience i don't't know who's gonna be like, I want that. So I tried to. I love that. So walk me through your aesthetic. It's like pretty poppy, colorful, big shoulder pads. It's a yeah. Like, how did you arrive at that aesthetic? Like, how did you arrive at that aesthetic? I mean, my, okay. I mean, I feel like I beat it like too much, but it's like my aesthetic is 80s and 90s. I love 80s and 90s very much like that.

Like new Jack Swing aesthetic. I'm trying to look like, you know, like the scenery and like in living color. I mean, that is a perfect way to describe it. I'm trying to look at the you did it you're getting there yeah i try i mean i just when i do drag i just love to i really play on nostalgia a lot so like when i do drag i'm like i want someone when i perform i want someone to be like oh my god last time i heard this song was at a house party like this is so like fun like i just want to make people have fun and like this is like very much like the fat man scoop was like oh but i love to be colorful i need big shoulder pads because it needs to offset my hips

so it's like just big costumes and color and i like to be graphic so i'm trying to wear more wigs. Why? Why wear more wigs? Because there's only so much I can do with my natural hair. Fair. Fair, fair, fair. I just need some different silhouettes. I need some different silhouettes.

I like male wigs. I think they're very fun. Mohart on UK vs. the World wore this like fade Afro that was like pretty high. And I was like, this is fun. I was obsessed with Mohart on that episode. Like that whole cameo reference. I was like, this is so good. The whole leather outfit.

I was like, that's my drag. Like, I didn't want that outfit. Oh, God. It was so it just looks so fucking good. Yeah. I was like, that's my drag. Like, I didn't want that outfit. Oh, God. It was so, it just looks so fucking good. Yeah. I'm trying to get to that. But it's like, it's hard to get a wig that has like a short side because of the lace. So I've been playing.

I mean, I have a couple of wigs going on right now. But I'm also like, I feel like I look like a bobblehead with a wig on. I'm sure. I have to get used to it. I'm sure you look fine. Real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back.

Okay, Tender Honey, let me ask you, do you know what your love language is? No. It's weird because I have a love language in and out of drag. Oh, interesting. Well, I'm going to walk through them. Okay, there's words of affirmation, which is like you like to encourage, affirm, appreciate, and actively listen.

There's physical touch, which is nonverbal use of body language to touch and show love receiving gifts that's thoughtfulness uh where you like i don't know give someone gifts or you receive gifts um quality time uninterrupted focused conversations one-on-one time is important boy oh boy would i love that but i have adhd so like you want it unfocused and uh or focused and uninterrupted my friend that's asking a lot um acts of service letting them know that you are wanting uh to help to lighten their mood so what do you think you're i guess can you pick one i don't know the rules of it i feel like mine are like mine is definitely acts of service like i like like you said i also like i'm adhd diva so i cannot focus one-on-one time yeah that shit's fucking hard

and the the the the harsh reality is is that's what my girlfriend wants from me so i'm like, I'm trying. I am trying really hard. How about I just make you breakfast? Or how about I just clean the house? It's really hard for me to focus. It's so fucking hard. And sometimes I'll be having a conversation with someone

and they're like, you know, Nicole, I really need you to focus on this. And then I'm like, focus on the thing that's happening this and then I'm like focus on the thing that's happening outside and I'm like no not that this person and it's so fucking annoying that my brain does that all the fucking time um I think I she likes to fuck so maybe physical touch no I'm kidding but like I do think physical I think i like physical touch i like touching people that i like um and then i guess acts of service like i don't mind doing something for someone if i like them but if i don't like you like please don't ask me to do a thing okay i'm very much acts of service but it's also like going back to the

mind games things i'm always like are they are they mad at me i don't know if they are but i'm just gonna do this just in case just in case if they're mad at me or not you know like i cleaned the whole house i made i did all my laundry that's so funny and then the person coming home is like what is going on why do they do everything are we in a fight sometimes it backfires it's like an episode of seinfeld it's like what you can do a whole seinfeld episode with something like that so oh shit I had a question right in my brain and then it just left. That's that beautiful ADHD for you, baby. Oh yeah.

Did you ever date on apps? No. I was fortunate enough to be. I'm so lucky that I met my girlfriend 12 years ago before all of that happened. So I've been lucky that I got to dodge that bullet because I don't know how I would navigate dating on an app. I do it. And I can't really explain to you how I do it other than like, I go through waves of like, all right, Nicole, you put everything in it. You're not working right now. Just like, you date.

And then there's times where I'm like, I'm working. I can't do it. Or I'm not working and I actually can't do it. It's a whole full-time job where you just have to like, talk to these fucking men and shit. Like, let me see if I can find some, I should have queued them up but i didn't uh some of the interactions i've been having recently they're all bad i get i get tons of

screenshots from my girlfriend's sister because she's currently doing that and we're just clowning these guys it's like what is that um i will say like sometimes they're not bad but i'm like i hate this do you know what i mean where i'm like this is not it so this nice person this is a nice message that i got he said what a pleasure hey there i'm so excited to match with you how was a divine goddess like yourself enjoying this fine saturday That's a really nice thing to say to somebody. But I was like, no. What the hell? No.

Not divine goddess. I was just like, I don't, you don't know me. Don't call me a goddess. I could be one of the worst people you've ever met in your whole life. And you thought I was a god? No. In what world is that a good opener? I don't know. Okay okay so I'm not crazy I've been trying to like be nicer and be kinder which is like maybe killing me but like I've just been

trying to not be as hard on people as I've been okay here's another one hey beautiful you're thick and yummy huh i mean that goes to your touch love language it does but then i'm just like this man might be a cannibal is he trying to actually eat me is he happy that my fat is gonna marble the meat and make me tastier like a ribeye. Oh, my God. But honestly, I think if I was dating on app, I would be me, because my mind always goes to the worst scenario. I listen to too much true crime. I watch too many documentaries.

I'm like, we're going to die. We're going to get murdered. I think it's so funny that men are like, why do women, why are they always listening to true crime stuff? I'm like, yeah, it's so when you try to murder us, we know how to like maybe not get murdered. Exactly. This nice person, very kind again. He said, I was wondering if you're an artist because you're so good at drawing me in.

Oh, hell no oh hell no that sounds like the person that's like you know when you're in high school and the person that's like where's my hug at yes yes that's the energy that's the energy like nowhere i left your hug fucking at home okay is it worse if you're like a public figure like do people like yes i got a lot stacked against me uh she's fat which me personally i don't mind i like my body i'm pretty body neutral some days it's great some days it's not great because i'm a human being i think being body positive is literally insanity that every day every fucking day i gotta love it that's work okay that's called gaslighting yeah you gaslight yourself happy what are we all doing body positive is an insane thing and people are always like you're body positive and i'm like body fucking neutral i just like it and I'm not

complaining about it and I don't cry about it you know but sometimes I will put on an outfit and be like yikes everything's bad even your head so like that's me I mean honestly there's another layer to that when you do drag because I'll do drag and I'm like oh yes and then when I'm out of drag I'm like I like like a potato yes yeah I mean I don't do drag and I'm like, ooh, yes. And then when I'm out of drag, I'm like, I look like a potato. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I don't do drag drag. But like, when I do perform, I'm giving you a show. So like, there's a wig, there's lashes, there's makeup, there's contouring, there's comfortable shoes because she's standing.

But you know, cute little outfit for you to look at. So like, it is kind of like my drag. And then when I wasn't performing during 2020, I was like, well well i guess i should put on makeup just to be in the house and it was like what and then 2021 it was like not getting better so then i just like stopped kind of wearing makeup and got really comfortable with like my actual face and i was like oh shit that's interesting that like i was fine with my body i I'll wear, like, you know, a belly shirt or whatever. But I was, like, not okay with, like, my acne scars or, you know, the way my skin is uneven or I have little dots and stuff. But, like, I've really just, you know, started to embrace.

Like, now I can wholeheartedly say that, like, I am fully body neutral. I love it most days, I would say. 90% of the time, she likes it. Love it most days, I would say. 90% of the time, she likes it. 10% of the time, she's like, huh, what if I lived in a cave and put a rock in front of it and never rose? Three days later, she don't come back. How about that?

That's real. That is real. Sometimes you wake up. Here's another thing about drag kings. It's like, have you ever tried to do drag on your period? Because that is not fun it's not fun at all we're doing drag full time there's one week a month where i'm like i look horrible i look bloated i look disgusting i'm like crying putting my mustache on in the mirror like i don't want to do this i don't want to do this traveling with your fucking period sucks because then like you're

like oh it's done and then you're on the plane you hit some fucking bumps in the sky whatever the fuck that means you know you're flying and they're like oh turbulence you're like turbulence what are the bumps why are we moving like this exactly also what if we all stop believing will this plane crash ah maybe she's got anxiety now but uh fucking like landing changing your fucking diva cup or your tampi and you're just like oh is it done yet a little squirts out it's awful it is the fucking worst and then if you're like performing in a club and you're like let me scope out the bathroom and it's like a disco. Oh, a gay club bathroom is maybe the last place I'd ever want to just be Barracuda and New York city.

One of my favorite fucking bars slash clubs or whatever has one of the filthiest fucking bathrooms. And last time I was, they have two bathrooms, one where you have a little fun and to toot and then one that you get to like use. And then the one that you toot toot in then one that you get to like use and then the one that you toot toot in was uh people are like what's toot toot drugs the one that you toot toot in uh

was broken so the normal one that you use was also being used for tooting and and i say tooting because i'm talking about cocaine so then that one was being used for both and then it was like well how do i pee if you're having a party in here how do i pee how does this and also it's like disgusting you don't touch nothing i do not envy you having to get dressed in like backstage rooms and these fucking bathrooms are nasty i i know when the so i i did a gig recently with a bat that i had my period and i was like okay scoping out the bathroom because you know like know, like after I do this performance, like I'm doing kicks, splits, like jumping around. So I'm like, I know that there might be a, you know, there might be an accident.

So I'm like, where can I scope out where I can go after? I'm like, I'm strapped up. I'm like, I'm as like protected as I can be. But mistake, like, you know, accidents happen. And I go in the bathroom is a curtain. A room with a curtain. At this point, this is when I make the decision. I'm wearing black drop crotch pants.

And I'm going straight to the hotel after the show. That's when my MC Hammer pants come in. I'm like, you can pee on yourself. You can poop on yourself no one will ever know you wear those people just be like they're swinging a little harder than normal but whatever i'm into it oh to answer your question from before uh being someone who people know it is a little harder um but also not really i don know. Sometimes I get messages where they're like, is it really you? And I'm like, well, if I was catfishing, I would go yes.

And then since I am me, I'm going to say yes. So, like, really bad question. You never know. But, yeah, like, I'll go on dates with people. And sometimes, like, up front, they'll be like, oh, I do know who you are. I've heard you on a couple of podcasts. I'm a fan. Or like, oh, my roommate who's a girl knows who you are.

And she was so excited I was going to go out with you. Or I'm like, oh, I'm a comic. And they're like, oh, I've never heard of you one time in my life. And I'm like, okay, thank you. Thank you so much. It's like I don't want them to know who I am. But then I'm like i kind of do well it is like kind of a weird thing but it's like well i mean i've put out enough stuff in the

world and um um you haven't seen any of it uh i was talking to a man yesterday and he was like i think you're so funny like you're really funny really funny. I was like, oh, thank you. And he was like, and I really liked your special, despite what everybody was saying. And I was like, oh, my God. Why would you ever say that to another human being? And he's like, you know what everyone was saying. And I was like, I understand that there was a whole wonderful conversation started by Fazeon Love about how I didn't deserve a special

and other black women did and i was like you didn't have to tell me that just the words despite what everybody said what an asshole i get that too people be like oh my god usually i hate drag kings but you were great and that's so shitty it's like when you give a backhanded compliment like that you are it's not even a compliment you're like negating other people who do the same thing as me and it's like and for some reason you liked me but like maybe it's just because you put your biases away for 30 fucking seconds and learned how to enjoy something exactly you're like oh my or like i'll be saying like bye to everyone at the end of the show like it'll be like you know callbacks and they're like oh my god you are my favorite in the show like in

front of everyone else i'm like okay thanks but like don't i'm like don't disrespect my co-workers that's like when uh people will ask like certain queens for a photo or like i've been in like you know i'm talking to like a bunch of other comics and someone will pick one of us out to be like can i have a picture with you and it's like okay I get it you don't want the picture with all of us but like just take one for the team and just get a picture with all of us like don't make us feel

like shit people don't have common decency anymore they really don't and it's like a thing about maybe it's like it's common decency it's like common sense it's it's a whole bunch of stuff. So wait, when you were in Boston, you weren't doing drag until you went to Chicago. Yeah, no, I never did drag in Boston.

Oh, what part of Chicago? Like Boys Town? Is that where you perform mostly? Well, yeah, but it's not called Boys Town anymore. Now it's called North Halstead to be more inclusive. Wait, really? When did that happen? It happened over the pandemic.

We had a town hall where like a lot of changes happened where we had like problematic producers. There was just like a lot of white power in the scene and the black queens created change. And an issue that they had was that it was called Boys Town and it was very much catering towards men. So they, I mean, the scene made a decision to change it to North Halstead. So now it's not Boys Town anymore. That's its dead name. Now it's North Halstead.

I didn't realize I dead named an area of Chicago. How dare, canceled. Goodbye Nicole. Wait, it's North Halstead? Yeah, because that's the name of the street, the strip where all the clubs are. That's so wild to me. goodbye Nicole wait it's North North Halstead yeah cause that's the name of the street the strip where

all the clubs are that's so wild to me my whole family lives in Chicago so like that this is shocking I mean it's a lot of positive change

I mean when you think about it on paper it's like a little bit like what? but then like it's a lot of positive change

that's happening you know the drag scene here has it's kind of like having like a reboot and a renaissance and it's it's just a lot better now it's just like more evenly um distributed the shows there's a lot

more black producers a lot more black shows it's like a lot of more a lot of different types of being showcased now yeah that makes me excited i think i talked to lucy stool about some of it yeah lucy is like she was one of the like people who spearheaded the movement and she is just like a force in the scene. She's amazing. I just love that, you know, Kings and Queens took it upon themselves to be like,

wait a minute, what the fuck? Like, what do what? We got to make this a little bit more even. We got to have, you know, black and Brown people,

you know, producing because producers are the ones who book shit. If're booking people who look like you then like how are you getting an inclusive show so like yeah i just i really like that you know the the chicago queens and kings were like this we're doing it differently yeah it was definitely like a a big change but it was a change that needed to happen. Real quick. We have to take a break. I just want to get back to dating. So do you consider yourself like a flirt? I know you've been in a relationship for nine years,

which is almost a decade. It was a very long time. Fuck, 12 years oh wait I thought you were dating for 9 years but no she's 9 years older than me you can't be telling me numbers

I went to art school don't be telling me numbers either I went to trade school and art school double homicide truly we are two people here who have no sort of academia between us. So, okay. You've been in a relationship for fucking 12 years. That is over a decade. A decade is 10 years?

Yeah. Okay. So a dozen years. I don't know why I can't just say 12. There you go. A dozen. A dozen years you've been in a relationship. How do you keep it fresh? Because you've been in a relationship um how do you like keep it fresh

for like because like when i get into a relationship i'm looking i'm trying to figure out how to like keep it fresh even though i am not looking at the present moment because she's exhausted but like how do i keep it fresh after 12 years you know honestly it's hard you know after 12 years it's like we're like and then especially with the pandemic we're with each other 24 hours a day we both work from home we're always like we're also both in the drag scene so she also works in the drag scene and so is she a king too no she's uh she actually works for na Smalls. She's Naomi Smalls' assistant. Oh, then I've communicated with her.

Exactly, yeah. How funny. But, I mean, she does a lot of things behind the scenes. She does all my rhinestoning for my costumes. She does, like, she's, like, she's the backbone of this situation going on. Exactly. But, so she's like,

you know what? She, she's, she's the HBIC in this house. So, it is hard because like, we've been together for so long to like,

keep it fresh. We like, we always try to like, you know, when we go out, we try to dress up. We're like, let's do something fun tonight.

You know, we're like, let's go dress up. Like, you know, like back in the day when we were like trying to impress each other. We'll always try to look our best. You know, we, I don't know. It's like, we're definitely going back and forth.

We definitely have like tried to introduce some new things too. Where we're just like, let's not be an asshole to each other. Or let's go out for a nice dinner. Or you know what? Honestly, sometimes we're're like let's go somewhere that's not gay because we're always we're always somewhere that's gay all the time and it's tiring after a while it's like seeing the same gay guys over and over it's like okay hi diva hi diva you know we're like let's go out to a straight place where we're like surrounded by different people it's like taking yourself out of the area where you're always at and going some,

doing something different. That's really funny. Cause I feel like some straight couples are like, Oh my God, like what if we were like, you know, like girlfriends are like, what if we like go to a gay bar?

Like how crazy would that be? Oh my God. Like it's gay people. And you guys are like, what if we hung out with straight people? Like what are they going to talk about? Boats and about boats and ll bean like that's funny to me but what's funny though is that we are very like detached when we're out so we are we're not one of those couples who's like up each other's ass so like if i'm out like she can go function and i can go function we don't have to

be like where are you like what are you doing like you know there's some couples who are attached to the hip yes we're our own people so i mean to answer your question i am a flirt i have lots of boyfriends when i'm in drag i love flirting i mean it's like it's never i mean we're i'm in a monogamous serious relationship there's people who have open relationships ours is not open let's face it we're two latin women we can who have open relationships. Ours is not open. Let's face it. We're two Latin women. We can never have open relationships. We are very jealous. But, you know, we are both of us are flirty. We just like and it's funny because it's with men. Men that you're not interested in.

So I'm just like, oh, I can appreciate a good looking man. I am not a flirt i'm like i can't explain to you what goes through my mind when i think someone's flirting with me i'm like what's happening and then when i start flirting i'm like it's just too aggressive it's like you want to fuck and it's like what girl what are you doing stop it stop it and the older i get the less cute do you want to fuck is so like how how should I go about flirting I don't know I mean I have no game so my girlfriend just said you were a good flirt you know I'm a good flirt in drag so when I'm not in drag I'm a doofus so it's very much a um what I suggest I think usually humor I think, usually humor.

I think that having a sense of humor is very attractive. And I think a lot of people think that too. Women. Maybe not just say, let's fuck. Women think that. Men go, oh, this is a competition of the funnies. Oh my God. And I'm going to win. I'm funnier than you.

And I'm like, oh no. I never thought of that dynamic. Yeah, it's really fun. Opening new doors. I'm gonna win I'm funnier than you and I'm like oh no I never thought of that dynamic yeah it's really fun oh my god dating men is fun I mean truly I'm out there for whoever I

you know find to be attractive to me and whoever I fall in love with I'm like I truly don't care man woman whatever I just lean towards men a lot find to be attractive to me and whoever I fall in love with. I'm like, I truly don't care, man, woman, whatever. I just lean towards men a lot. And boy, oh boy, are they, how you say, difficult. They are so fucking difficult to deal with. You know what?

I get hit on a lot by straight men in drag, so maybe you should just put a mustache. Wait, you get hit on a lot by straight men when you're in drag. Oh, my God. Yes. I feel like they like if they think of it like forbidden fruit or something, because they're always like, I mean, I when I'm in drag, I'm doing boy drag. But like, I'm not going for like male impersonation. Like, I'm not trying to like, oh, my God, that's a man.

Like, I'm I'm a character. Like, people know that I'm not trying to be like, oh my god, that's a man. I'm a character. People know that I'm not a dude. They know I'm a girl dressing up. So I get hit on all the time by straight dudes. And I'm just like, what? Interesting. Try drag.

You know, I kind of like that. I would love to put you in Drag King Drag. I just sneezed. I got so excited. Bless you. I would love to be put in drag king drag I just sneezed I got so excited I would love to be put in drag king drag I think it would be very fun I mean I do think I would look a little bit like Keenan Thompson again nothing wrong with that but like now we gotta swag you out we gotta swag you out Keenan don't have that much swag I mean I guess I've never because when I fly I usually don't have a wig on so I got my little

fro I don't wear makeup and I wear like a sports bra and I ain't got no titties they are fucking A cups baby so I get called Sarah a lot on planes so when I travel I feel like I'm like yes

she's the least glamorous drag king on delta diva but I would I think it would be really fun to like do like a glammy man look definitely I think a little rhinestone mustache hell yeah a little mustache I mean we could do a little beard. Like, you know. Oh my God, me with a beard? I can't even handle it.

I used to only do goatees, but then I started doing beards because I'm like, beard is giving like grown ass man. I love it. And it connects. Tenderoni's growing up, baby. And it connects. What a drag. And it connects. That's so funny.

And this bitch connects okay oh my god guys will try to drag me on twitter all the time straight men are like what is that and i'm like don't be mad because your beard can't connect oh god that's funny um wait why did you move to chicago did you move for you were just like done with boston or did you move for no i was i was a retail diva in boston and i was i used to work in a shoe store i was like a stock manager you know very lesbian back of the house stock room and um the my shoe store relocated me to the chicago location because they're like can you fix the stock room there so they relocated me to Chicago. My girlfriend came with me and then the rest is history. That's nice. I used to be a retail diva, as

you said. I worked at I really wanted to work at Old Navy. In hindsight, it's like, wow, okay. But I mean nothing wrong with Old Navy, but like I don't know. I like really wanted to work there. That was probably like the worst

place to work. Honestly, probably like the worst place to work honestly clothing is annoying because you have a fold i used to work in shoes so i love working in shoes because it's like you know just boxes it's easy you give them a box you take the box away with clothing they're like this was small they made it small you're like no bitch you got bigger which there's nothing wrong with it we just need to be accepting the sizes that we are uh also you know vanity sizing is a terrible thing and it's confusing oh my god but with shoes people try to return it after they wore outside i'm like no you wore this outside people would try to return all sorts it would be like this smells like you just took it off ma'am um i looked at lane bryant podcast oh lane bryant diva yeah lane bryant

um not fun uh yeah i like i liked all the people i worked with but the customers were really awful and then i hated my manager she looked like shrek and i say that in the kindest way possible because she looked like shrek and it was delight in the kindest way possible because she looked like Shrek and it was delight like I loved staring at her because I was like how I was like did DreamWorks like find you and animate Shrek like in your image uh but she was mean to me she'd always be like Nicole um you know that's off season you can't be wearing that or she'd be like Nicole that's too tight and i was like too tight no this is a fucking plus size store this is a store for fat women like too tight if anything i should be

empowering women to wear more like spandex and things that show off their bodies if they want to um yeah it was wild growing up because like lane bryant was one of the only plus size stores and it was very much like work wear and it's like right, let me get my business suit for sixth grade. Okay. Yum, yum, yum. I totally, that's like the suits that I would wear for my like semi form. I'm like, I'm not wearing a dress. I'm wearing a suit.

And it was like a Lane Bryant women's cut. I love that you wear suits to school and stuff. I feel like you are pretty unapologetically yourself. And what an awful question, because I do not like when I get it when people are like, how do you have confidence? And I'm like, oh, my God, because I like myself. But like from a young age, you seem to have been like, oh, I do what I do. Who fucking cares? Have you always been like that?

Or is that something you had to like find discover search for honestly I've I've always been like that but it's honestly like I a lot of it is the support of my family I just grew up around people who were always just like encouraging me to do what I wanted and never judging me. So that is what helped me with my confidence a bit. And then like being an adult and like going through the whole coming out process and like all of that stuff, I feel like, um, I don't know.

I, I feel like that's just my default kind of to be confident, but then like, don't tell my therapist that cause he's going to be like, you're a liar. You're lying. I don't know a confident person. Are they coming next session he's like okay uh uh you thought he's like i heard your podcast no honestly it's something that i work on um especially doing drag because sometimes you

fall into a place where you're like, I only like myself in drag. And I had to work on myself, you know, very. I have to like me out of drag too. And I'm still working on that. But it's a work in progress. It's a work in progress. It is interesting, though, because drag and any really sort of performance where you like are yourself, but also bringing elements of like fantasy and like what you wish you could, you know, be all the time.

It's interesting because I feel like sometimes it like fucks with you where you're like, oh, this persona I have created is better than who I actually am. And then you like you forget, oh oh who i actually am created the persona so if anything i'm better than the persona because i'm me and i'm more i'm more than the persona because i'm also me um so like that to me is like really interesting yeah it's very complex and then it also like goes into like gender and like all that stuff and i'm just like i'm just trying to i'm just trying to live i'm just trying to be a diva in my day-to-day life. Yeah, and that is an interesting aspect of drag because a lot of it is gender exploration, you know, mixing it up,

fucking with like gender norms and whatnot. And then some of it is just like, oh, I just want to have a nice time. Exactly. Everyone's like, what are you pronounced? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I'm just a girl. Sorry. Like, out of pronounced? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I'm just a girl.

Sorry. Out of drag, I'm she. In drag, I'm he. But you know what? I am not that serious about it. If someone misgenders me by mistake, I'm just like, as long as it's coming from a point of respect, I'm like, it's cool. I feel the same way i um i feel so i feel like i'm like i don't like an asshole because i'm like i don't care what you call me but i know it's so important to some people yeah yeah you know what i mean where i feel like such an like an asshole for

being like i don't care he she they whatever uh and then like it does matter to some people so then i'm like should it matter to me i don't know it's we're living in a time where we're all trying to just be sensitive and you know fucking i'll fuck it up you know yeah and it's like okay it's hard to be sensitive when you're so horny me i'm always horny i really am it's uh sometimes i think it's a problem. Other times I'm like, I guess that's who I am forever. We need to get you to Chicago because Chicago is a horny, horny city and you will definitely get laid here. Thank you. Welcome to Chicago. What? Okay. What advice do you have for me in terms of going out into the world and hitting on people.

And you said you're not great at flirting, but like, I don't know. Like what, what kind of things should I be saying to hit on people? I don't know. I don't know necessarily if you want to go in with hitting on people. Maybe it's like start a conversation and let it evolve into that. You know what? You know what I start with? I'm like, what do you like to watch on TV?

Because I love to talk to people about TV or like pop culture. And then once you kind of find like a common ground, then so you can be like, you know, flirted up a little bit. Being like, oh my God, I love this character. Like they remind me of you or like, you know, like I always have a crutch. That's like my security blanket is like something that is, you know, you can both have a common ground on where you're like, I'm talking to somebody who they know what's up. You're not just like coming from nothing, you know? OK, so what's your what's your favorite TV show? Yeah. I'm asking you.

Oh, my favorite TV show is law and order your favorite tv show is law and order svu yikes okay oh what is it about it is mariska hargitay oh my woman and then stabler oh baby he is so fucking fine oh he's got that butt have you seen him in the new no he left and he came back right yeah and now he's so hot in the new one. It's called Organized Crime. He has his own show now. He has his own show? He left Olivia Benson alone? It's very complicated, the storyline. He came back and then like, I mean, I don't want to spoil it for you,

but like he came back and like something big happened. Okay, if you don't want spoilers, don't listen. Skip ahead like 10 seconds. Okay, spoil it for me. I'll never watch it. He comes back and his wife gets killed in a car bomb. No, a car bomb. So then he can finally confess his love to Olivia.

Oh my God, they killed a woman so he could be free of her chains. So he could profess his love for Olivia Benson. Okay, so do they get together? No, the spinoff is just him trying to find the killer but then also trying to tell her that he loves her so it's like they're really dragging so she's on the spinoff yeah they do they do crossover episodes all the time oh I mean I love how deep in the fucking SVU law and order universe you are how funny anytime you go to like a hotel i'm like go to usa i'm listening it's gonna be as we do like a marathon anytime i travel i'm like find usa i'm gonna watch

while i'm painting while i'm getting ready i mean i love it well we've come to the end of this episode. Is there anything that you want to promote? Yes, you can follow me on Instagram, Tenderoni88. That is the year I was born, but also the minimum rhinestones I have on me at all times. Wait, really? No. I mean, it is the year I was born, and I always wear a lot of rhinestones, but that's just my tagline. I just like, you know, one, two, okay, all the way up to like 87, 88.

Now I can go on stage. Exactly. No, yeah, you can follow me at Tenderoni88, and then you can also catch me in Chicago. I co-host the Saturday Night Drag Show every other Saturday at Berlin. And it's just a variety drag show. It's a fun time. We got to get you. I'm going to book you to co-host it with me. Yes.

I would love to come to Chicago. I owe a visit to my family. We would love to have you. We'll bring you out. We have a good time. We'll get you laid. We'll get you a man. Honestly, that's a lot of promises.

And the people will follow up because they're always, I think Miss Pat, she was going to set me up. Spoiler guys, never happened. Bob and I were supposed to go on a date. We did go to brunch a couple weeks ago, but it was not a date. There was other people there. Who else was I supposed to go out with?

I cannot remember. But if you have a question and you're like, did she do it? She did not. It's dry as a bone here. Okay, well, thank you so much for being here. If you like this episode of Oh, I want you date me. You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple podcasts or like Spotify, don't really know. And if you email whywontyoudatebepodcast at gmail.com, you can give me, you can send comments, crazy dating stories I haven't read in a while, advice for me. I haven't read that in a while, but I will always read a dirty message

slash review of the show. Okay, Nicole, I want to give you roadhead until your eyes cross and we veer off the road moments before a crash as you're screaming and coming you engage then snap off the emergency brake i snap it off the car comes safely to a stop you faint and drop the emergency brake which i grab and run away with as my sexy souvenir you wake up and say with a mixture of shock and confusion, bring back my break. That's very funny. That's a nod to when I co-hosted drag her with my friend, Mano Agapian.

And I always say bring back my break, even though that didn't make any sense after we went on a break. Thank you so much. That was really wonderful tenderoni thank you so much for being here thank you for having me i had a blast yay so yeah make sure you follow tenderoni i think she's so talented uh also like so conceptual and like visually fun and there's videos and shit on your Instagram, right? Yeah. Yeah. That the copyright didn't take down. Well, watch that shit before it gets taken down because I think you're so much fun.

Thank you so much, Nicole. You're welcome. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.