Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Happy Endings (w/ Pit Crew Bruno)

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

Model and Drag Race pit crew member Bruno Alcantara joins Nicole to discuss his love for biting (and the time he got kicked out of a bar for it), being barefoot on set of Drag Race, working as a massage therapist and life coach, and discovering he was gay after having a couple of girlfriends. Plus, Bruno gives Nicole a happy ending massage while sharing his best advice as a life coach.Check out Happy Endings with Bruno on WOW Presents Plus.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport for this episode comes from Bumble. Start your love story on Bumble - bumble.com #bumblepartnerFollow:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the go-to dating up for finding love. You know how everyone says they have a type, but if you listen to the show, you know, like half the time people don't end up with the type they thought that they wanted.

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Yes. Okay. I'll go easy. Okay. Easy. Oh, that's nice. Mm-hmm. Ooh.

Do you get massages often? No. Not at all. No, because, oh, they hurt. No. We hold a lot of tension in our bodies, you know? Yes. What do you think you hold the, like, most tension?

I think in my shoulders. So, yeah. So everything that you think, everything is the inner, and it shows, you know? Wait, am I tense in my shoulders? Yes, you are. Do you feel this? Yes. There's a knot here.

There's a knot. Yeah, look. Oh. Feel it. Yeah. Ah! Ow! Ah!

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why. Oh, baby. Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast. for me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single,

even though you could come in my tea and tell me it was a sugar cube. My guest today is a model and member of the pit crew on Rupal's Drag Race. He hosts the new show Happy Endings with Bruno, now playing on Wow Presents Plus. I'm so excited he's here. It's Bruno Alcantara. Yay! Yeah! Bruno, you grew up in Brazil.

I grew up in Brazil. And it was funny because I was talking to Mars, my producer, before you came in. And I was like, oh, I didn't know you were Brazilian. I thought you were black. And then you sat down and you were like, where I'm from is a very big black population. I consider myself. I was like, definitely. By year, it's like one of the biggest black communities outside of Africa.

So I got all the goodies. I got all the good stuff. You know what we got. How long were you in Brazil before moving to the state? Well, I moved here when I was 25. Okay. So the other day. Just yesterday.

I moved. And my assistant does a little bit of research. And in my research, it says that you moved here and you were only going to stay for like a little bit because you were like, I want to perfect my English. Three months. And then you just stayed. I wanted to actually learn English. Oh, you came not knowing any English. Just love language.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. biting. You know. You were kicked. out of a club for biting.

Oh, yes. I love, I mean, I used. Oh, yes. I love biting. I used to love biting. I used to love biting. You know, when they say the kids, they like to put things in their mouth because they, I think that's how I felt. Oh, you had like a, what is it?

It's like a, like hand to mouth, but you were like, what were you biting? People, like, the cue boys, the cue boys, I'd be like, hmm, I want to have this one. And then they were like, sir, leave. Shit. Can you believe it? I'm much better now. Don't worry. Okay. I don't know. I don't think anybody should be worried. I would love to be bitten by somebody hot. Hey, if they ask me with love...

With love. Hey, can you please bite me just a little bit? I'm like just a little touch. So you got your job on the pit crew because you were working for Madonna? That's true. And then you met Michelle Passage. My boss on Madonna's tour, he's a very close friend with Michelle Visage

and he Jamie Larita he kept telling me you should do drag race and I had no idea exactly what he was talking about so when we were finished

with the tour he connected me with Michelle Visage and then who connected me with the production of the show and they finally call me and I'm like okay and it was first like

maybe you can do one or two episodes and I'm like fine and then here I am I love that the plan is always, oh, just for a little bit, I'll do this thing. And that, like, coming to America, you're like, I'm going to stay for three months, and you've been here for years. I'll do one or two episodes of Drag Race, and then you're just on the panel. Like, you're the first pit crew member to be on the panel, right? Yeah, that's incredible.

Also, okay, Bruno, you're shoeless a lot on the show. Do they sweep a lot for you? Because I've been on that set, and I don't know if I'd want to be shoeless. Is it upsetting? Have you crunched on something? Have you hurt your feet? I have not. Okay. It's just how it is.

You know, that's the job. I just get so worried. We do have like flip-fops and we can sendles that we get to use right before filming. Okay, that makes me feel better. Yes. Okay. Because I was like, are you running through the sound stage just shoeless the whole time? Like walking around, running around.

Yeah, just running from the trailer to the set. Make it. So when you were in Brazil, were you heavy into fitness? Were you, like, were you working out and shit? Yeah, I mean, I started working out when I was 18. Okay. I was very, very skinny. Uh-huh.

And I did not feel like I was attractive at all, you know? Okay. Usually, especially in a black community, I mean, not everywhere, but what I was, I felt like people really appreciated and loved white and blonde blue eyes, people. I was not that. So I did not feel attracted at all. So I guess the way I found was, I'm just going to have a very attractive body. Yes, okay.

And that was very conscious choice. It was very tough. But, you know, it works. But you did it. And once I did there, realize, you know, that's not all it takes. You need more than that. What do you mean? That's not all it takes.

I mean. Did you like, are you saying that you had a, like, find love. within yourself or yes okay you need to feel really good with you in from inside out you know it doesn't matter how good you look on the outside how great you dress up you really need to it's about energy right it is about energy and it is funny i don't know if you've if this has ever happened we're like i meet a very attractive person and i'm like wow you're hot but your soul is like either empty or like filled with evil And I'm like, you're just like, you're hot, but I think you're bad.

Yes, I think we all find ways to deal with whatever insecurities and we have to do in life. Yes. And some people, like, being funny, it's amazing. But after all, you need a therapist anyway. Oh, yeah. Really feel good about yourself. If you want to grow. That's how I see it.

You know what I mean? I fully agree. And then people that become so mean to each other. Like, every single thing they say is about, like, diminishing people. And so people find the own way, but I think the bottom line is, how can I make the best of it with myself? How can I look at myself and say, hmm, I like you. I love that. I love that because I have lost a little bit of weight, but when I was fatter, you know, you see like a lot of magazines and stuff that's like thin is better, smaller is better.

but I made the conscious choice to like look at myself in the mirror every single day and be like, I like what I see. I like what I see until I really was like, no, no, I do like what I see. And I don't have to tell myself that anymore. I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh, she's so cute. And then it was funny because after I lost the weight, I was like, oh, no, I have to do that. I have to start doing that again because this is a different body. It's a new body. There's new things that are just like wrong, you know, according to society. Like I got my little arm flappies. They're so. arm flapping. So now I'll do that like in the mirror. It makes me laugh. And instead of like, because some women will hate them and not show off their arms, but I'm like, I refuse to live like that. I refuse to let society dictate what I feel about myself and then let that infiltrate my mind. And then I'm like upset all the time.

So I do love that you're like, you've got to love yourself inside, even if you are working on the outside. Yeah, otherwise you won't move forward. Because people always, they always going to have something to say. People always have something to say. It's so wild. I don't like it. Okay, here's, I think a rule should be on social media.

I've said this before on this podcast. I'm going to say it again. I think it should be a lot that you can only say nice things. I don't think you should be able to say anything mean to anybody. Who are you to say something mean? You don't know this person. I agree. And I think if you are.

open to growth and you are doing the work, as people say. You become more empathetic and you start thinking before you say mean things to other people because you know how it hurts. Yes. I mean, hopefully, people will start changing because they can relate to other people's stories or because they know, you know what, life is tough enough. I'm going to bring some love to this. Yes.

Bruno. Life is so, I've said this a hundred times, life is so long. People go, life is short. No, it's not. You ever wake up and you're like, again? You think it's so long? So it's like, why not just fill the world with love? And like, and I'm not saying to be like fully happy all the time. Because there's days where I'm like, I'm going to be grumpy, but sometimes I'm so grumpy, it makes me laugh. Yes. Like the self-talk, you're like, come on now. Yeah, it's like, what am I doing with ice cream? What can I do for you today?

Yes, truly, what do you need? Yeah, what do you need? And you also dated women before coming out. I did. I had two girlfriends. Mm-hmm. And did you, this is a weird question, but did you feel like you were hiding something? Or at that time, are you like, no, no, I genuinely love these women?

I think I wasn't aware that I was gay yet, even though I do believe we are born this way. Mm-hmm. But I think it was a discovery. So when I had two girlfriends, it was very true. I was in love with them We got to have sex And everything worked out perfectly And then

After a while I started just looking to the boys And like, this is more for me What if? What if? What happens? What happens about bite one of y'all? I wonder how he kissed I wonder how if I bite him

How is he going to be like And then when you moved here Did you find dating to be hard Or easy? Well, because you moved here and you didn't know English. Yes. First of all, I couldn't answer my phone because I couldn't speak so. Like, hang up.

I'm like, hi, hello. What do you want? Well, it's a different culture, right? So it's very different the way people relate to each other, how people approach each other, what is acceptable or not. What are the differences in the dating culture versus Brazil to hear? Well, Brazil, we are very warm. And I feel like, sorry, I'm American now too, but American can be very cold. Interesting.

I say this over and over. One of the biggest lessons I had to learn moving here was to learn respecting people's personal space. What is funny, because in Brazil, I always could always wear silverware to eat my pizza in here. You're just like, go and grab it. But people, you cannot touch it. So don't touch, don't touch. That's so funny And coming from somebody

That likes to bite That was not great But you know I've been learning there That is funny Americans we Yes We have like personal space things

We're like don't come into my space But then also we do a weird thing about small talk Like when we go to the grocery store It's like cloudy day out These apples I'm excited to get them home And it's like why do we do that? Why don't like I like to hug I'm a huger

So, I mean, I do have personal space boundaries, but like, I'm okay giving a hug to somebody, but a lot of Americans, they're not huggers. I mean, I love hugging. Right. And I come from a small town, so the sense of community is very strong. Maybe that's why I decided to move out because everybody knows everything about your life. Everybody's in your business. I love big cities, I have to say. I love it.

Well, there's a little bit more anonymity in a big city. Yeah. People don't know you. And, I mean, whatever you are, they're a good thing. everywhere. You just have to make the best of it and find your tribe and the people that you're going to vibe with. I mean, Brazil is very upfront, aggressive, and, you know, the flirtatious game is on. That's another thing. Americans don't flirt. We don't flirt. I don't know when someone's flirting with me. I'll be like at a restaurant and sometimes I'll be like, are they flirting or are they just being

polite. I don't, I simply don't know. I think that that is something very strong, especially here, that people are very diplomatic. So they know exactly what you say. And is it, and I feel like it sometimes can be just to be nice, not necessarily authentic. You know what I mean? Yes. People here are not authentic. But there are good people everywhere again. And I've met amazing people here as well. So I think you just have to give a chance. Got to give him a little chance. You got to suss them out. You got to spend some time with it. Because I do, well, I don't know. When I've been traveling, I've never stayed anywhere for like more than a couple weeks. So like I don't actually know what cultures are like there for long term. But I feel like here you meet people, especially in LA, people go, oh, my God, we had so much fun. We should hang out again. And I'm like, okay, what about October 13th? I'm like, oh, busy. Okay, what about October 24th? You know, I have a hike that day. I was like, what about November 3rd? And it's like, I'll let you know.

And I'm like, I don't think you want to hang out with me. I think you just said it. Yeah. But when I say it, I fucking mean it. I know. And we have to do with that, too. So that's, I think, one of the biggest difference between, like, that's how I see New York and L.A. Sometimes New Yorkers are very, you know, that's what it is.

That's what you get. And you may sound a little aggressive, but in L.A. can just say what is cute, but sometimes they don't mean it. Yes. And people will sometimes say New Yorkers are like rude or short or whatever, but I'm like, you haven't been on the subway where one person is being a nuisance and the whole train comes together to yell at that one person. New Yorkers are always on each other's side.

I love New Yorkers and I love New York. I live there for like eight years. It's one of my favorite places to be. I like New York, but I have to say I love it. I also love it. It's been amazing to me. And, you know, as I said before, nowhere is perfect. I go back to Brazil.

I miss Brazil. I miss people. The food, the energy, my family that is there. But, you know, it's not perfect either. So I'm grateful that I made this choice to be here. To be here, yeah. Well, Bruno, real quick, we got to take a break. Okay.

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And we're back. Bruno, are you single? Are you dating? Are you married? Tell me, what's the juice? Very single. Are you looking or are you content being single? I both. I am open to it, very open to it. Okay. But I'm happy. I'm a happy single, man. I really believe the relationships should happen naturally.

You cannot really force. Yes. I don't want a relationship just to say I have one. Because I'm enjoying my life. But I do want it. One thing that I found out during therapy is that I do need and I miss intimacy and romance. And we don't always get to have that when you are just fucking around. Yep.

So it's important to me. But it's not something you can get with just anyone. No. You have to find the right person. and you have to, like, align with the things that you want. Because one person might be like, oh, I'm just down a clown. Let's just fuck around. And then you're like, oh, wait, but that's not what I want.

But I guess I'll just fuck around for a little bit. And maybe you'll come around. And it's like, no. No, if that person doesn't want what you want, you've got to just move on. Wait, do people slide into your DM since you've been on Drag Race? Oh, yes. They do. And they send me all kinds of content.

All sorts of content. Are you for or against that content? Wait. I mean, it keeps me entertained sometimes. So I'm not against at all. Keep it coming. It's not always that you want to wake up and just boom, have that in your face. So sometimes I'm like, okay, calm down.

I'm having my breakfast. But, you know. Not in front of my eggs. Oh, yeah. But, hey, let them. Yeah, let them. Have a nice time. Are you on the apps at all?

I mean, I am. I have this love-of-hate relationship sometimes with them. But I haven't had, like, I'm not having much patience with, like, going on dates and all that. It's not so, I mean, I just feel like so frustrating to sit in front of somebody that they don't know anything about you. Mm-hmm. And then you have to just start from zero. Uh-huh. I'm like, can I just meet my friends?

And so, and that's why I think it became easier. just to hook up, but clearly it's not, that's not going to do it. That's not the way to find true love. But honestly, maybe it is. Who knows? Maybe you just haven't hooked up with the right person yet. Maybe you'll get to the right one and he'll be like, I want a romance. I want to wine and dine you want to give you a dozen roses every day.

Oh, wouldn't that be nice? I mean, it would be amazing, but the chances are that people that are just the habit of hooking up, the chances are it's not really what they are looking for, probably. Or they are not self-aware enough To know exactly what they want Because I heard that from my therapist So you know You cannot say you want this

And then keep doing something totally different That's what my therapist has said I'm like oh that hurts Yeah My therapist is like you may have a want But your actions that are different than your want Is not going to lead you to what you want And I was like you stupid bitch

That's right That's very very right But I don't know Maybe Bruno, you'll bite somebody in the club, and then you'll bring them home and you'll have a magical night, and then they're going to wake up and they're going to be like, whoa, I just like, I need to be romantic with you all day, every day. That's my wish for you. I need you biting me every single day, please. That would be the dream. So when you were living in Brazil, did you have aspirations to be on television, or did that only happen when you were here? No, yes, I did. Do you know, funny stories? Yeah, so I always like to, you know, be on stage or, like, you know, dance and sing or whatever it was.

So I would invite all the boys from the street and put them to sit down and to watch me to do a show. But then they didn't want to sit down. So my mom would, she would cook and make hot dogs in order to keep them there. And I would literally say, you want to. won't have a hot dog if you don't watch the whole show. So they would always come to watch the show because there was food involved. Honestly, that is genius in marketing. And then they had to scream and they had to clap for me.

In order to get your hot dog, you have to be a willing participant. You have to be an excited participant. And you guys stay till the end. Honestly, I like it. How long was the show? No, 30 minutes, 20 minutes. Too long for them. No, that's a good deal.

A 20-minute show and a hot dog? Come on. The problem is I don't know how many shows I wanted to do in one night, you know? You have the matinee. You have the evening show. Then there's the late show. I love that. Change outfits.

All that. How old were you when you did this? Probably like seven, eight. I love that. And I love that your mother's supporting you and was like, we will get butts on the seats. We will do this. More snacks coming. I love that.

And then when they would live, I would just scream and cry. Why would they leave? I'm a star! I always wanted to be on TV. I have a question about happy endings with Bruno. How did that come about? So you're giving massages while interviewing people? Yes.

So, first of all, I am a massage therapist. That's how I work. I supported myself for years in LA. And I'm also a life coach. And I know people don't get the chance to see the side of me. But I love deep conversations. I love intimacy. I love, so people that are very close to me, they know that.

In drag race, I don't get the chance to show this out of me. So the show, it was a great opportunity for me to put together kind of coaching and massage. And then get to have deep conversations with people. And I'm so happy I got to do this because I have in this show beautiful stories being told. And it's so relatable. And it's a show about healing, about finding joy. And I think we can all take advantage of it if we are open to it. As a life coach, what is, what's like a common theme that you ran into with people?

Like, what is the thing that people are like, oh, I'm having trouble with this. I want to fix this about my life. It's whatever it is, I mean, most of the time we can connect to not feeling good enough. and then because you don't feel good enough you have all kinds of thoughts and you or you take some crazy actions because you don't feel good enough

or you're sabotaging yourself or relationships or you think everybody is talking shit about you or you play a victim everywhere whatever it is usually comes down to the feeling that I don't belong that I'm not good enough that people don't like me

or whatever it is. And, you know, it may not be your fault. I heard this the other day, and I think I'm going to take, I'm going to carry with me forever. Okay. It may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to take actions to change that. Mm-hmm. I like that. Because, yeah, the way you feel it might not be your fault, but it's like it is your

responsibility to do whatever you're going to do afterwards to either alleviate that feeling or feel some type of different way. I like that a lot. What's your advice for someone who doesn't feel like they're enough? You've got to find ways to see the value in yourself. You know, there's so many things, but, you know, first of all, you're giving this chance to be here right now. And then that's, you know, it's a great opportunity to make the best.

One thing that can work a lot is like, what can you do for others? if you are in a very, very dark place, sometimes it really works to doing something for somebody else and see the joy that you bring to somebody else. So that way you see the value they were bringing. You know what I mean? Yes, give unto others as you would give unto yourself. I think that's a Bible verse?

I don't know. Listen, I'm not a huge church person. I just was listening to this pastor and I was like, that's nice. I'm going to try to keep that in my heart. I'm not like, try to, like, do things for people that I would like them to do for me, but not get mad at them if they don't do the same thing for me, because I'm doing this out of the kindness of my heart. And Bruno's fucking heart. It's only been, what is today?

Today is Wednesday, September 24th. Today is Wednesday. I heard that on Sunday. It's challenging you. I'm already exhausted. I bet you are. But, yeah, you give love because that's what you have. Not because people deserve sometimes.

But that's what you have inside. And then sometimes when people do some things, because that's what they have. What can you do? Yeah, some people aren't capable of giving you more than they can give. And I hope that shows you that it's not in alignment with what I want in my life. And that's okay. Let's put you right here. I got to keep going.

Got to keep going. How many episodes are in Happy Endings of Bruno? We have six in the first season. And then are you coming back for a season, too? Can you just waiting for it? You're waiting. Okay. Okay, so stay tuned, Divas.

Does your family in Brazil want you to, like, find a partner and get married? Oh, my mom, every time I speak with her, she's like, I can't wait for you to get married. You need to count down. I'm like, I know. But, hey, it's been tough out here. Has your mom ever tried to matchmake for you? No really. No.

No, but she keeps telling me, you know, I want you to. And I want to. I dream about getting married. Mm-hmm. What do you want your wedding to be like? I love being by the beach. Mm-hmm. So I think that would be nice.

So we're doing an outdoor wedding, an outdoor wedding on the beach. They'll be nice. Okay. I like that. I don't think I need that a lot of people, you know. But I think they'll be nice. Just like close friends and family. I didn't want to get married.

So I wanted to get married. And then I was like, I don't want to get married. Now I'm back on I want to get married because I officiated my friend's wedding over the summer And boy, oh boy, it was just so beautiful I was like, everyone declaring love for each other And then these people came from out of town Just to see them declare their love for each other

And I watched my friend be so vulnerable About why they loved their partner And their partner was so vulnerable Why they loved my friend And I was like, oh my God, I want this. I totally understand Because a few years ago I officiated my friend's wedding in Portugal and I was crying for three days reading this script

and I'm like I can't do it during the I cannot cry during the ceremony because like everybody's going to be looking at me and waiting so it was beautiful it was an inspiration to like when is my turn right I will say I was the opposite of you so when I was reading through it

I would just be reading through it and I'd be like yeah that's great it's heartfelt and then the day of I was like fighting back to And I was like, oh, I was like, oh, my God, I didn't realize that so much emotion would happen. And then my friend Marcy was like, you were almost crying up there. And I was like, I know. Can you believe I was vulnerable?

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was very emotional. It was beautiful. And then when they did they, how do you call that, they each one have the own. Oh, their vows. The vows. Oh, my God. Right.

My friend's husband wrote the most beautiful things. And then because I know my friend's so, wow, everything was so personal. Uh-huh. So I'm like, oh. That's how I felt. I was like, oh, it's so beautiful. It's so nice. Yeah.

And I want that. I want that nice man who spends time with me to write a bunch of nice things about me to say in front of a bunch of people. Like, I just, it's so romantic. And it's so nice. And then I was like, well, I don't want like a big old dress. I don't want like a big thing. And I was like, no, no. I would like to have a night.

Like, my friend's wedding was at, I shouldn't put all their business out there. But it was in a really beautiful location. And it was like a unique location that you wouldn't think of for a wedding. And the pictures were just so beautiful. It was just like being in there felt so stunning. And I was like, that's what I want. I want a beautiful location. I want a very pretty dress

I want to look beautiful I want to stomp down the aisle and then I want to say beautiful things about this person I love I just want it Wait are you trying to tell us that the wedding is coming soon Honestly this would be news to him

I think I softly said that one day I would like to get married but not anytime soon No this is still a baby relationship We at least got to learn how to walk and get to being a toddler. I don't know. What is this analogy?

Oh, I'm getting wild. No, I just, I think we, I don't know. I'm okay moving at like a glacial speed. I'm not a fan of like, oh my God, it's been like a year. What's next? It's been two years. What's next? My thing is like, when we feel comfortable with that next step, we'll take it.

But hopefully it'll be us together. But like, ideally, what would be a good, I mean, how many years is, Mm, six. Uh-oh, you thought that was too long. I think, I mean, four, if you say five, okay, six. Yeah, six, it's a nice, even number. I mean, three years you know that. In three years, you're like, yeah, no?

Maybe. Maybe. I think it takes a solid two to three years to actually know somebody. And I would like to get to a point with my partner, where like there's like just a shorthand like where I know exactly what he's thinking as soon as a question's asked and we're not there yet so I just like I wanted to marinate okay here's a good analogy so you marinate the meat for a couple days oh you cook it up it's tasty you marinate that relationship for a couple years it's tasty it's good I got there and you're

serve. Bruno, what is your perfect first date? I can distract myself very easily, so I cannot. Ideally, I should not be in a place with a lot of people or noise. Okay. I really care about the conversation. I really want to know what is going on, how you think. So I think it would be a place.

if it's a restaurant, whatever it is, it's better if it's a place when there is no many people, it's low-key, not true training, like I don't need all, because I think even if sometimes I love to just talk

in somebody's house, because for me, it's about connecting, it's about the conversation first. And then, because that's how I see if it's like, oh, yeah, we have a lot. Because, I mean, you can be hot,

We can't sometimes it's too have sex but like I think through the conversation I'm going to realize do I see

potential do I see potential do I see longevity I have a perfect restaurant for you to go to that's very

intimate and really cute it's called lingua franca I think that's what it's called lingua franca lingua franca

okay I went and they had a really good cobbler but the cobbler off the menu but then I went and they had a really

good steak still on the menu and the Lighting is really nice, and then the staff is really great. So that's where I'm going to send you for your first date. Linguafranca. Noted. Okay.

Linguifranca. Yeah, it's a restaurant that I just went to that I was like, everyone needs to know how delicious it is. Okay. I'm going to Lingua Franca. Lingua Franca. I like that as a first date. I do think it's like a little intimidating, though, to be like, let's just go to dinner.

Or like, usually I'll be like, let's go get drinks. But a dinner's like, oh, I'm committing to like getting to know you through appetizers, through an entree, and through dessert. I agree. I think it doesn't eat at dinner. I think it can be a coffee. I think it can be drinks, you know. It's easier and the focus is on the conversation and how we're going to, you know, interact together. How do we connect?

What's the worst date you've been on? the worst date oh it was somebody that didn't want to be touched so we went he wanted to go hiking I think and you know it's already very very distracting because we are moving and sweating and now you have to keep up with each other's moving around and I'm like sweating now and then when I try to like hug him he's like oh don't touch me I think that was very odd yeah And I had a date years ago as well when it was a guy that I thought he was so cute. I was very interested. And he had like a corporate job.

That's not what we do. And then I was talking about my life. He's like, it sounds messy. And I'm like, oh, not that. And that was a little traumatizing. That's so rude. I know. That sounds messy.

Sir. That sounds messy. Oh, I've been on a date where someone said, oh, wait, what do they say to me? Well, I had explained that I hadn't paid my taxes in six years, and they were like, oh, God, they said something to the effect that, like, they were like, oh, it's surprising that you're successful considering you're so messy. And I was like, well, you didn't have to do all that. That's not kind. You mean creative? I mean, like.

You mean undiagnosed ADHD? it was hard for me to file them. Also, my dad once said to me, if you don't make money, the government doesn't care. And there was a solid chunk of time where I was not making any sort of money, so I was like, I'm going to keep it.

But then I got a really nice return when I filed my taxes after six years. And that is the secret to lump sums of money. Don't pay your taxes. That's terrible advice. But also, it's not. Nobody ever came for me.

Maybe I shouldn't say this on camera. No, you shouldn't. Hey, listen, it's all in the past. Now I pay them. I pay my taxes every year. Yes. I do. I do pay my taxes every year.

I have now outsourced it to somebody else. You promise? I do. You promise? I do. I solemnly swear that I pay my taxes every year. Okay. Okay.

I feel like you don't believe me. We believe you. Bruno! No, you do. Who's one of the guests on Happy Endings of Bruno that you really enjoyed talking to? Oh my God. All of them are very special because different, totally different stories and very relatable. Sebastian is a dancer from Drag Race Live and Magic Mike and was a very beautiful episode.

But, you know, I'm very grateful for how vulnerable they were willing to go, to be on the show, to share very deep things. So much so that I was joking with the crew, like, it should be called deep shit with Bruno. Because, like, on set was like, everybody's so quiet because the thing being said was, like, deep, you know? I like that. I like when there's, like, like, when there's, like, a vibe. on a set where you're like, oh, everyone here is on the same page. Everyone's here to, like, support and create. And, like, I love that.

I love that. Like, it was, like, the vibe was quiet because it's, like, people are revealing things about themselves. And then another thing, they had no idea what they're getting themselves into. They thought, oh, Bruno has a new show. It's a massage show. Uh-huh. And then, what is the idea you have of Bruno? He's a shirtless man in Dragway.

So, like, giving you a massage. They all came like, yeah, give me a massage. I'm ready in Natal, you know what I mean? And then I'm like, hey, what, okay, you know? And then I start like going deep. And that's the best of it. So all of them, they were very vulnerable. And I think that's what makes the show great.

Mm-hmm. Can you massage my shoulder? I mean, definitely can massage the shoulder. I mean. Okay. Is it too much? Is it too much? Yes.

Okay. I'll go easy. Okay. Easy. Oh, that's nice. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Do you get massages often?

No. Not at all? No, because, oh, they hurt. No. You can get, like, a very soft, soothing massage. I feel like I say to people, I am very sensitive. See, now, this is nice. And I say, I'm very sensitive.

And they go, yeah, okay. And then they, like, go in really hard, and it hurts so bad. And any time I feel, friend massages me, I'm like, ow, that hurts. And, like, I'm not even going that hard. And I'm like, okay, well, you don't have to be mean about it. Bruno, this feels really nice. See?

Oh, my God. And we hold a lot of tension in our bodies, you know? Yes. What do you think you hold the, like, most tension? I think in my shoulders. So everything that you think, everything is the end in it shows, you know. Wait, am I tense in my shoulders? Do you feel this?

Yes. There's a knot here. There's a knot. Yeah, look. Oh. Feel it. Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

And how do you get the knots out? Ow! With some love. Hey, it's a little bit of pain, a little bit of love. Okay. And how long would it take for you to get an actual knot out of me? Well, it's not one massage only, you know. Oh.

I don't know anything about massaging. I've had, I would say, collectively, maybe five massages. And once it was on the beach in Mexico and I fell asleep and I woke myself up with a big old fart. Oh, she happens, you know. It was really, I was so embarrassed. And I was like, sorry, we'll see in tow. And they were like, it's fine, whatever. But that was the only good, oh, my God, my shoulders actually do feel better.

Oops. That's wild. Healing hands, is it? John, Bruno. Yes, because I feel like my shoulders were up here before, and now they've dropped. Let me know in the comments if you've seen my shoulders drop. Hey, see ya. But I once had a massage in, I was in Africa.

I was in Zambia. No, I was in Zimbabwe. And I got the roughest massage I've ever had in my whole life. This lady was throwing me around. She was like putting her fucking foot in, her elbows. And then I felt like I had been through a war or like a fight. And I was like struggling for my life. And that was not relaxing.

Yeah. Not all the massages are relaxing. You need to ask for it. And then if you're not used to get massage, sometimes if they go too deep, you can get very sore the next day. Like you were beat up. Yes. Every massage I've ever had, I was incredibly sore the next day and I was like, they hurt me. No, but you can have like a massage that is soft and soothing, relaxing massage. And that can be very good to just like go. It's tough to relax. in this crazy world. It is. Every single day, there's new hell on this earth. Every single day, like, I don't know. I've gotten to the point where I'm like, should I just get off the internet?

Should I just not have an Instagram? Should I not have a Twitter? Because it's all wild. Could you, though? No. No. No. No. But I do have a time limit set on my Instagram and my Twitter.

Oh, you do? Uh-huh. What is it? It's too long. It's three hours. Oh, it's not a bad. I mean, three hours maximum. Maximum, and then I have to ask for permission.

And I can dismiss it for the day. To who? To the phone. I have to go, can I have 15 more minutes? So then after I've hit, can I have 15 more minutes, like three times? I go, well, this is humiliating. I have to just put my phone away and, like, literally go do any other thing. That's nice.

The setting boundaries for yourself. Just trying, because otherwise you just scroll and scroll and scroll. And then I'm like, then I get to a point of Instagram where I'm like, I don't need to be here. Like I was scrolling before and it was like, all about this. Couples, Shrek themed wedding. And I was like, I don't care. Like, I don't care that you people love Shrek that much. I'm guilty.

Have you ever dropped your phone in your face? Bruno, yes, yes, I have. And that's why I don't scroll on my phone. So if I'm in bed, I'm like, you're making the choice. You are in your bed. You can't look at your phone because you've hit. your face too many times, and this is the moneymaker. I got to do that.

Yeah. Okay. You just have to make the choice. I'm going to make the choice. Bruno, do you have any advice for single people? Oh, my God. For myself, you mean? Well, for yourself, for the other people out there who are single.

So I have to say I became a little traumatized with relationships, but I'm working in therapy. So I think the wrong relationship can cost you a lot. Yes. So I would say, learn how to be a happy single person because that will help your next relationship, you know. Make sure you look at all the insecurities and traumas and everything that you carry because it's going to go with you whatever you go. Yeah. And pay attention to whoever you were meeting if you feel like you really, it's not about being perfect, of course.

I know that we all carry some, you know, things and it's a matter choosing somebody who, the things they carry, you're going to be able to deal with, you know, is acceptable for you. But pay attention to if that person is in alignment with what you want for your life. and if it's really willing and wanting to be with you, it's choosing you because I think we all deserve to be chosen. Yes. You know, you want to be with somebody that is like really want you. And that's very important to me. And it should be.

I think a lot of people don't, they're like, does this person want me? And then they're not thinking, do I want this person? Or they're like, I want this person. thinking of does this person want me? Like, we're never thinking about is the want mutual. And I think that it's important. Yeah, it's both sides.

Mm-hmm. I mean, how good it is if you want somebody so bad, but they're not even there for it. They don't want your ass at all. No, it's not going to work. Mm-hmm. And then it's the same for the opposite. Somebody may do everything for you. But if you don't look at them and say, yes.

Oh, people say, fuck your ass. That's what I want to. Yes. A fuck yes. So maybe it's a no. I'm dealing with in my relationship with the nice man who's in my life, I became pretty content being single. And it is, it feels very foreign to make choices about my life with somebody.

So like, there was like one day where I was like, oh, I'm doing X, Y, and Z. I'm leaving town, this, that, and the other. And he was like, what? like he's like of course leave town do what you want but we like I would like to know that these things are coming up before they're planned and I was like huh okay and that's been a hard thing that I'm dealing with to be like oh if you want somebody in your life then you have to consider them as a part of your life and consider them before you make a choice let them know that the choice is on the table let them know your plans and your intentions and For a very long time, he was like, whatever about it. But he was like, hey, if we want to, like, have a life together, you kind of have to, like, think of me and consider me. And I was like, oh, that's hard. So that's what I'm dealing with.

He would change, right? It's a huge change. You become so independent and you feel so good. Yes. And now... You're like, oh, I don't have to be independent. I have someone who... And then also, it never occurs me that I'm like, oh, I don't have to make...

Choices all by myself. I can just, I can ask his opinion. And go, what do you think about this? And he'll probably be happy that I'm asking his opinion. Yes. Bruno, shit's hard. I know. I mean, it's hard being single as well. So. It's hard being single. It's hard being in relationship. We should all, I wish that rapture happened. Oh, we're all still here. What to do? What to do. Well, Bruno, we have reached the end. This has been delightful. I have a question. I have a question. that I ask most of my guests. I would say I've asked 97%.

I think that's a good estimate. Would you date me? Oh, yes. I'll definitely date you. Oh, I love that. Oh, God. You're so authentic and full of life and beautiful and funny. Hell yeah.

Yeah, oh, yes. And not a fuck yeah, but a hell yeah. I'll take it. Bruno, do you have anything you want to promote? I mean, just make sure you want to. watch Happy Endings with Bruno and Wow Presents Plus. Let me know what you think. Yes, tell Bruno what you think.

Okay, that's it for this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcast. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at Gmail.com, I will read it out loud. Let's keep them short, everybody, but keep them freaky and nasty. This person writes, hi Nicole. I hope this email find you horned up in consenting. I'm asking for them, so I am. I'll pick you up in an auto driving sex bus for an all-night joy ride.

The bus is set up with sex toys and BDSM gear for any kink your smexy heart desires, and will drive us wherever you please so we can get food and supplies for our much-needed break times. Midnight tacos for my midnight taco. As we toured the city, I will tour your body and explore every carnal desire we have. As we both come and cream over and over, nearing the end of our bussy ride, we will watch Galaxy Quest to have some classic laughs and have rupe your floats. With a shy kiss, I bid you a do, and hope that you call upon my touring company again. Warmly and gaily, Stevan.

Well, thank you, Stefan. Goodbye, everyone. one? Wow. Oh, you've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Beyer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kennef Skiya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue. With guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of Content at Headgum is Katie Moose.

And our Thieve music is arranged by Mike Comete. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye. That was a headgum podcast. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the go-to dating app for finding love. At the end of the day, your type might not be who you actually fall for. And that's what makes dating fun. Bumble helps you see someone's real vibe with prompts and shared interests. So you can connect in ways you didn't expect. Try a Today, start your love story, um bumble!