Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Having a Drama-Free Divorce (w/ Grasie Mercedes)

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Co-star Grasie Mercedes (Grand Crew, Access Hollywood) reflects on her 14-year relationship and the breakthrough she had in therapy which led to her divorce. They also discuss getting back into the dating scene at a later age, why white men love drinking milk, and what it means to Afro-Latina. Plus, Nicole shares her rave review for a Broadway show which featured many exposed dicks.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how she's still single, even though you could, you could come in my eye, kick me in the tit, and say, hey, I didn't do that. Gaslight me, baby.

My guest today is an actor, a writer, a filmmaker, and I didn't know this, a stylist. She's also my co-star on NBC's Grand Crew, which just got picked up for a season two, so you can catch up on Peacock or Hulu. My guest is Gracie Mercedes. Wow, what an intro. Wow. What an intro. Listen, Gracie, I'm always having fun. I love it. I love it.

Wait, this is wild. I didn't know. I knew you had a blog. I didn't know you were a stylist. What is this? Nicole, I've had so many jobs. You don't even know um so basically when i moved to la to pursue acting and like i was doing some like tv hosting or like online hosting and um i was like i didn't want to wait tables anymore i got to that point and i was like i can't fucking wait tables anymore and so randomly my friend at the time was a uh like head stylist for american eagle and Aerie back in 2007-ish, maybe, when the brand was a little cooler.

Not to diss American Eagle or Aerie. No, fuck American Eagle. We don't need them. They're trash. I'm kidding. If you would like to send me jeans, because I think you just extended your size range, please send them to me. So, yeah, back then they like actually pretty cool at that time and so he was like hey do you want to help me like assist me in styling these photo shoots and I was like sure I

was like broke needed money and he literally just asked me because he knew I like clothes like I never styled before and so that turned into like a gig that four times a year i would go to american eagle they would they would travel all over the country and sometimes to like hawaii and places like that to um shoot their yeah to shoot these campaigns and then i eventually became the stylist for airy the brand airy which is more like underwear and stuff um and loungewear and then that turned into me taking on like personal clients and then that turned into me doing like personal shopping stuff and at the time I had a hosting agent and he was like you know for hosting you can't just be like a pretty face who can speak on camera like you have to have

a niche this is what he told me at the time and I was like well I style stuff I'm like a stylist I guess I could be like a fashion host he's like great and so then that turned into like what i started doing and then i did like a segment on access hollywood for six months selling shit and i around that time is when like blogging became a thing and like outfits of the day became a thing which i thought was super fucking weird um but i started doing it and then i started making money from blogging and all this was great because I was able to also like go on auditions and try acting. That's nice. I was, what did I do? I was a waitress for a while, very bad at it.

And then worked the front desk at UCB, which is like, I was such a bad employee. I'd be like, I don't know how to do this. And nobody ever was like, can you learn? I'd just be like, well, I guess I'll do it. I, yeah, that's fun i love that you like parlayed uh like do you want to do this into like a full-blown fucking career yeah i feel like i do that a lot i like trying things and if i like and i'm like oh let me see how long i can get away with this kind of thing and it actually blogging became such a big thing like like this influencer crap. I hate that word. But like that turned into a thing that for like three years, I was making like a lot of money doing this stuff.

But then what ended up happening is like I had no time for like audition. I kept leaving town. And at the time, I only had a commercial agent. And she was like, do you want to ever be in town so you can go on auditions? Because this was before like the COVID and the self-taping. And I was like, yeah, but they're paying me a lot of money and i'm traveling around the world and like a commercial will maybe make you money if it airs a bunch yeah maybe maybe you have to like keep track of if it's still airing you know i used to really not like self-tapes but it is nice to not have to like drive anywhere but also i'm back to it i'd like to i'd

like to go somewhere but also i just got covid so i don't want it again greasy it was bad i i'm sorry because we got it around the same time and i was not bad at all i didn't even know i had it i thought i had allergies see you you were living your life having a nice time maybe being careful i went to i got on a plane to go to a super spreader event. I was like ha-ha-ing into people's mouths and being like, it's over! It was truly wild. And then I was like, am I tired or do I have COVID? And then I got home and it was like, bitch, you got COVID!

I'm so sorry. I hated it. How do you feel now? Are you better? I'm a little bit better, but I'm still kind of tired. Yeah. I have to lay down after I do a couple of things and be like, oh, knocked me out.

While I was in New York, I had the wildest time with this driver his name was frank and he asked me if um i was ovulating what and no that's that's inappropriate yeah he asked me if i was ovulating and i was like i don't think so then he said are you craving a baby oh my god and i was like no i don't think i'm craving a baby and then he asked me if i was a stripper and then i was like i do pole dance then he asked me what kind of lingerie oh no why did you tell him you did pole dancing i don't know i think what happened was i was like let's see how far this goes how many how far will this go before it turns out to be better i'm always down for an adventure yeah but that's a new york driver that can maybe murder you and put you you know in the river well i also i fancy myself to be very strong so like i think i could have taken him he had long weird fingers and he asked me something else

he was like so you do you like strip clubs i said yeah he was like so what if like you and me we go get a girl and we what was what he's he was like in uh take advantage of her and i was like frank his name is frank i was like frank you can't take advantage of women and he was like whoa no no i mean like a good way and i was like there is no good way of taking advantage of a woman frank frank was terrible and then what was one of the last things he said fuck it was good oh he was like you know what i like glory holes and i was like oh my god i was like frank you know glory holes are like kind of gay and he was like no they're not in porn there's a woman on the other end and i was like yeah but

like in real life it's like tapping your foot on a bathroom stall and he got real mad and was like swerving and then i was like oh man maybe i shouldn't tell him any more of my thoughts or opinions uh that was the only time i was like like, oh no, this is bad. Yeah, and then he had my address but was still asking where he should go. So then I just told him to pull over a block away from where I was actually going. Yeah. This is insane. I'm very happy you're still alive. Thank you!

I don't like this story. I don't like Frank. Frank should be fired. Can we get Frank fired? I don't like this story. I don't like Frank. Frank should be fired. Can we get Frank fired? I don't know, but... I don't know. I'm haunted by his skinny thingies. Ew.

No. No. No. Then I was like, maybe I'll date Frank. No, you will not date Frank. He did ask to be my New York boyfriend, and I was like, well, he is kind of wild, and I'll always have a story.

Was he cute? No, he was one of the ugliest motherfuckers I've ever seen. I told you he had long Crypt Keeper fingers. They were so long. It looked like he had taken, what are those called? Asparaguses and painted them the color of his skin. They were so long. This is, yeah.

He was gross. You should have came to New York that week. You know, the irony is I didn't go because I was like, I don't want to go to New York and get COVID again. Because the first time I got COVID was from New York. And then I fucking stayed here and I got COVID. You know, I don't know. I'm not for it. Here's my, here's, okay.

Because a lot of people are like, so COVID's just a cold, whatever. And I was like, yeah, a bad one. And a bad one where you are, if you want to be a quote unquote responsible human and a good, you know, citizen, you're supposed to stay home for five to 10 days. So it's like, yeah, it's a cold, but you can't leave your house. And for me, it was super frustrating because I

didn't feel sick. Right. I wouldn't even have known I had COVID if it wasn't for that event that I was supposed to go to that for the show. Yeah. So wild. I'm like, oh, so everyone's just walking around out here with COVID and they don't know it unless they have a job where they have to get tested. I was like, oh, I had no idea. And I thought for sure I was wrong. Like I thought the PCR was wrong and I took a rapid at home and that shit turned positive real quick. It is so funny. So in the beginning, it was like, you have it. It would turn red very, very quickly. And then towards the end, it would be very faint. And I said to a friend, I was like, the COVID is leaving my body. It's

very faint. And they were like, I don't think that's how tests work. I was like, I think so. Like in the beginning of being pregnant, I feel like it's a faint line. And then when that baby is fucking ready to walk out, it's like thick. The COVID test, the viral loads get like less and less. Same thing. I was testing every other day. Thank you, so I'm not dumb. I don't think so. Because I was testing every other day and it was the same thing. Like the line kept getting lighter and lighter until it disappeared.

And I was like, yay, the COVID is out of me. But I don't know. I'm not a scientist. The COVID's out of me. I knocked it out. I'm free. It was nice, though. I had a friend. My friend Gilly brought me a little care package and that was so nice.

Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, she brought me ice pops. And those really came in handy because my throat hurts so bad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, enough about COVID. Gracie, can we talk about your divorce? Yes, we can. Okay.

So I've also been divorced. What? I married a man. It's a long story. He wanted to stay here in this country and I wanted money. It's been 10 years since, so I think it's like... Oh, wait, I do remember this story. You told me this story on set once, I believe.

Yeah, it's so dumb. My wedding pictures are even dumber. I had blue contacts and bangs. So tell me, OK, how long were you in your relationship before you were like, we're done? Well, it wasn't that simple. I mean, we were together. I've talked about this publicly and so I'm not afraid to talk about it but Damien my ex and I we were together for almost 14 years that's a long it's a very long time we met in our early 20s at MTV we both worked there um we were just friends back then who like hooked up a couple of times um then I

moved to Los Angeles he stayed in New York he was hosting TRL then. And we had connected on, wait for it, this is how old we are, MySpace. Yes! Did you put each other in your top eight? Was it top eight or top nine? Was it top eight? I have no idea. I don't remember. No, the irony was my photo on MySpace was a picture. I'm such a cornball. Was a picture of me on a drum set because the guy I was dating back then played drums. And so I had a picture on his drum set. I was learning how to play drums. Okay.

And so then Damien, who also plays drums, saw this picture and used that as an excuse to kind of like reach out and be like, hey, remember me? Used to work together. I also play drums i'm like yeah i remember you that was three years ago dude like it wasn't that long ago and i remember people i've hooked up with thank you not that hard um and that turned into like texting and then it turned into i'm gonna be in la and then turned into oh we're gonna spend every day together for a week and then that turned into like six months of long distance which then turned into will you move to New York like back to New York and I was

like no I moved to LA for a reason um and and and TRL was about to end so the deal was I will move to New York for this last year of you on the show if you move back to LA and he did and the rest was history you know we stayed together we got married like five years later. It wasn't something that I just woke up and was like, I need to get a divorce. It was more like many years of feeling that though he was like one of my best friends, this didn't feel quite right. It didn't feel like the husband i felt i needed if that makes sense oh i think that does make sense i think there's something to being like okay this did work for a while you were my best friend and you're different i'm different i need something different yeah

there was a lot of that there was a lot of more like personal shit that maybe I shouldn't talk about. But and there was like stuff with kids and like him saying he wanted kids, but me never really believing he wanted kids. And then when we started trying to have kids, it wasn't working. And then I'm very like, I'm very like, I wouldn't say I'm like super spiritual, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. And I do believe like the universe puts in front of you what it's supposed to put in front of you. And we, you know, I had two miscarriages. I went through IVF. Like we just couldn't make a baby together. And something in me was like, we're not supposed to have a baby together, if that makes sense. And something in me was like, we're not supposed to have a baby together, if that makes sense. And that turned into like, well, what else is wrong here? And then I started seeing a therapist. I was seeing a therapist before, but I started seeing a different therapist, a female therapist who specifically works with women who've gone through like IVF and miscarriages and things like that.

And I went to her. Now, this is more personal than I've ever talked about publicly so yay um but I started I mean if you if we if you think about this later you're like I don't want this and we can cut it out okay I I feel like I talk about very personal things I mean I talked about my whole IVS process on my blog years ago I don't really blog anymore so this feels like a good outlet but the reason why I justify being like open because I'm like, I know there are so many women going through shit like this.

And I think for me, it was helpful to hear that other women were going through shit like this. And so I just hope that maybe this will inspire someone to like do whatever they feel in their heart is the right thing for them. Anyway, I started going to a therapist. She's lovely.

I still see her. She's amazing. And I'll never forget that. I think it was like a year in and she was like, you know, I was talking about possibly wanting a divorce and all these and I didn't know if I wanted to be a mom and I couldn't tell if it was like, do I not want to be a mom or do I not want to have a kid with him? And she said to me one day, she said, Gracie, if you can wake up tomorrow morning, you know, Damien's feelings aside, you know, societal pressures aside, what would you want to wake up to? Like, what would your life look like? And I said, I thought about it for a second. I said, I want to

be alone. Oh, and I just immediately started like hysterical cry, like just like, oh, like that cry where you're just like, oh, my God. And I realized in that moment, I was like, holy shit. Yeah. And and then it's a two more years for me to actually like say that out loud to him and like talk. And we went to couples therapy to try to work it out. But I think it was a lot of like guilt. You know, I went to 12 years of Catholic school. I have a lot of Catholic guilt. I want to be a quote unquote good person. I wanted to be a quote unquote good wife. I felt like I needed to give this a real shot or chance or whatever the case may be. But ultimately I was like, I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. And I'm not a spring chicken and life is short and I need to fucking make a decision. And so that was when I kind of made that decision.

couples therapy helped the transition of it all. I really wanted to make sure that we remained friends and that it didn't get ugly and it never did. And I'm proud of both of us for how we, how we separated and eventually filed for divorce. That's nice. I often think about people who's like marriages end with them hating each other. I'm like,

yeah, but you love that person at one point. Like, why would you let it get to a point where you like hate them yeah i mean it's it's hard because there's like a lot of resent that could be like resentment there can be also let me preface by saying i think it's easier to be friends when no one's cheated no one's done anything too fucked up or too hurtful because i think it's hard to get over stuff like that like i think if i would have cheated on him or he would have cheated on me i don't know if we could be friends right now like that might have

been like too much but because there was like it was almost like a drama free divorce i mean it's still sad and still hard but there was, but there was no malice. And I think that makes a big difference. And we don't have kids together, so that made it easier. It was just kind of an easier transition because of a lot of different things. That's nice to hear.

I also, okay, I cannot wrap my mind around loving someone, marrying someone, and then loving someone else. Being like, bye-bye. I don't love you anymore. Now I love somebody else. Well, it is fucking weird. And like, I love, I'll always have love for him.

Always, right? But I will say, whew, dating. Oh, God. It's bad. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's truly the worst. I want to read to you real quick what a gentleman said to me on Hinge.

Oh, no. I'm scared. Oh, no. So, like, you can, like, like a picture and write something. So this nice man, he wrote, Nicolele you got it going on and you can do a split lol would like you to hit me back and split on me oh no so i don't i guess i'm just getting old where i mean having sex is nice or whatever truly I don't know

like when I first started this podcast only 10 years ago I'd be like yeah man I just wanna fuck and if a relationship happens it happens but now I'm like it's not that important yes it's an important part of a relationship but also can I talk to you

can we be friends? Right. What else is going on? Because you don't spend, you're not fucking all the time. You got to talk to the person. No, I mean, sex is definitely important. Yeah, I like the sex. I don't want to date somebody where I'm like, we don't have chemistry in that department. Yeah.

But like, sex is good, but like, I want to wake up to somebody that i like you know yeah no that's obvious that's super important and i took a long time to date i mean i didn't start dating uh-huh for uh well here's the thing. Because of COVID, we were living together, but kind of like already knew we were breaking up. So like I went a long time without having sex and it was fucking horrible. So then once I moved out and I still waited like six months,

I think before I even like started to think about dating. And then I went on the apps for like two months, which was when we were shooting. So you were a part of that whole experience. And then went on a couple of dates that were just like OK to terrible. And didn't have sex with any of those people, but did have some cute makeout sessions. But I immediately was like, this fucking sucks. Because I had been single hadn't been single in over 14 years and the last time i was single dating apps did not exist and

so i was like i don't understand this like i kind of hate this and then i realized i have dated so many people that i wasn't physically attracted to at first but something about their personality made me be like oh my god i love this person and like that's why i dated them and you can't figure that out through an app you know what i mean like you're just like looking at what people look like yeah and you have to like get there in person the last person i went out with more than once i was like i don't know about you and then the second time i was like oh the thing I didn't know was I found you to be like endearing and like nice. I was like, is this a trick? Uh-huh.

No, I get it. And then I was on only Raya first. And Raya, I'm going to out myself for being a little superficial, but raya doesn't have like height things on there and i'm 5'8 and i'm gonna put on some boots i'm 5'10 i don't feel like you're that tall but you are definitely taller than me i know you say this all the time and i thought you were taller i thought you were like because when i sit down i seem tall because my butt's so big yeah yeah yeah no i'm i'm definitely 5'8 and my maybe even a little like maybe even big yeah yeah yeah no I'm I'm definitely 5'8 and my maybe even a little like maybe even 5'8 and a half but I just say 5'8 and then I put on a heel

you know what I mean and so like the first date I went on of course the guy shows up and he's like my height but like shorter because I'm wearing boots and I was just like oh fuck um but then I went on a second date and realized I didn't like he wasn't for me but because of the height thing on raya i was like oh let me go on hinge because hinge has heights hinge does have heights and i feel like hinge is full of people who are like i just want to be in a relationship yeah and at the time i didn't want that. There was this man on hinge who seemed, I guess I didn't take a screenshot of it. He seemed real mad out the gate.

He was like, it was like the prompt was, don't go out with me if, and it was like, if you're squeamish about me being bisexual, if you're mad that I'm only five, six and you, and there was one more thing and I cannot remember,

but I like threw my head back and laughed and I was like this man has been burned by people and he is just putting it all out there that happens on my first hinge date the guy was very he kind of felt like a little bit of a debbie downer like he was really down on like dating and stuff and i'm like well why are you on this day but then he also really was very expressive of how badly he wanted a girlfriend like oh no yeah and i can't show all your cards and then my mother used to say men can smell desperation i think everybody could smell a little bit of desperation and in the beginning i just wanted i mean i was down to fuck like i just really wanted to like hook up with somebody and i didn't want a serious relationship i'm like i'm not even technically divorced yet like that shit takes time you file it still takes six months before they grant it to you um and so so yeah but

then i met someone in real life um off the app which is so nice and i'm like how did you do that in the year of our lord of 2022 how does that how did you do it um it was my best friend she had thought of him she she didn't really know him but she like had seen him around and uh she knew where he was gonna be one night let's just say that i love that i love that i know where the fuck this man's gonna be so we showed up baby you know and he was there and uh and uh we started dating and and it was great like i i instantly felt a connection to him and um he could have gotten it on the first night but i waited to the second date i love that i mean i don't know. I'm always like, should I wait? Do I wait?

Usually I've only really waited like three times. The first time I waited, I waited six whole dates and we still didn't fuck. Oh, wow. Yeah. He like, he like just quit smoking weed and was having some problems with things. And he was like, it's not your fault. And I like okay he like turned it up and uh like i immediately was like i'm sorry and he was like it's not your fault and i was like i'm sorry oh my god and then he got like very embarrassed and then we never recovered from that and then it's funny because in hindsight i

was like i really liked him but then i was like no i did not he was very boring and not for me um and then this the other person i wait it was like two dates and then another person was three dates and i don't know there's like i haven't i don't know there's no like a rhyme or reason and there hasn't been like an outcome that's better than the other yeah I think I was I mean I really just wanted a fuck buddy and he was he checked all the boxes

but then like you know I think we started to like each other more than fuck buddies which was complicated and still complicated we don't have to get into that but we don't okay so before covet i had a fuck buddy who i was like he said some things that led me to believe that we were going to be more than fuck buddies like well one he like made me breakfast in the morning and i was like oh my god he makes me breakfast and then um on our first date he was like do you want to meet my dad i'm going to

dinner with him later and i was like no and then he like invited me on a trip with his dad i was like what is i was like maybe this is more and then i was like do you want to stop dating other people and he was like i don't believe in monogamy and i'll have you know she did some light internet stalking he's engaged to somebody so he found somebody to be monogamous but also i don't know the ins and outs of their relationship but i'm 100 sure he's monogamous with this person but you know life is perfect and it makes you feel like shit all the time real quick we gotta take a break okay take a break okay do bop bop we're back gracie okay i have a question um i'm scared i was gonna ask this question but it was such a rude question i'm not gonna ask it no ask. Do you like giving head? Oh, wow. You know what?

I don't mind it. Because I was like reading. I got into like this hole. I was like trying to research something for this podcast. And I was like, because it was like lots of ladies don't like it. And I was like, but I do. And I'd like to find an essay of a woman who likes giving head. You know, I like doing it, but I don't like them finishing that way. Oh, me either.

I think it's rude to fill up someone's mouth with something that you didn't ask for. All that. Also, I'm like, I want I want to ream some benefits before you're done. So, yeah. But the guy. Like, I was doing my say um say it all well it's interesting because i obviously was with my husband for so long so it was like the same penis for 14 years so i was very like kind of nervous about having sex with a new person and the first time i did it was it wasn't

great all because of me not because of him because I was so in my fucking head about like this is a new body and a new penis and a new person and like what am I doing and I I couldn't believe how much I was in my head wait that's wild but isn't it I feel like married for 14 years you're a pro you know how to do it all but I know how to do it all with my husband like i was so used to like his body and what he liked and what his penis was like and what we did that i got very much in my head about being with a new person and like what is this new person like and what is his dick like and what is you know like just it was very much and i i mean i

got over it pretty quickly within the night, but I definitely felt myself almost, like, outside of myself, watching myself have sex for the first time in a very long time. And then it got progressively better because I got progressively out of my head and just used to this new person. But, oh, yeah, back to second dick. Yeah, yeah. person but oh yeah back to second dick uh yeah yeah i think you know my my ex had a great penis this new person had a nice one too so it was great but i feel like most of them are nice i've only really encountered a couple that i was like no no no no yeah i know i can't remember ever encountering one encountering one just like, ew, gross.

I feel like everyone's, oh, I was with one guy a long time ago who wasn't circumcised. And not to say people are not circumcised or gross or anything. Say it. All of them are gross. We hate them. Too much skin. No, I'm kidding. I love an uncircumcised penis.

I was like, I think it was just more like, oh, shit. I didn't know that's what it looked like when it an uncircumcised penis i i was like i think it was just more like oh shit i didn't know that's what it looked like when it was you know i mean it is jarring it's jarring and he was the only one still like before then i never had one and after then i've never had one uncircumcised this one guy and few in between he wasn't american so that's i think probably why oh yeah that makes sense i hooked up with this dude for like on and off for a very long time who was uncircumcised and it was just delightful wait why why was it i don't know i think there's just extra skin there and it's nice and we didn't use condoms so you know my wayward youth but now bag it up that's what we say right bag it up bag it up sounds gross speaking of bag it up i just learned that

you can make ice cream by putting milk and like sugar in a bag, putting it. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, you put it in a bag and then there's another bag with ice and salt and then you cover it up and you shake it and it turns into fucking ice cream. No. Yeah. I found this Instagram account called Prison Meals where this man makes meals that he made in prison for you on his Instagram. And he only has a fork and he uses a card to cut things up. Cause he doesn't have a knife.

Cause in prison, you don't have a knife prison meals. I don't know if that's what it's actually called. Okay. And I don't, I'm bad at saving things. So like, I'll never find it.

You never find it again. But it's nice. And he gives you like step by step. It's great. Hey, Gracie, you made a web series back in 2016 called my white boyfriend. It's like when your white boyfriend wants milk with dinner, which is funny to me because I made dinner for this white man once and he asked for milk.

And I was like, what the what? It's disgusting. Why do you drink milk with dinner? White people do weird shit. Yeah, I I I was still married then and i was married to a white man and um clayton ferris who does who did that series with me he's this really funny funny guy who back then was on vine when vine was a thing and we were in acting class together and i had i wanted to start making my own stuff you know like as an actor you always get i think to

a point where you're just like i'm fucking sick of waiting for auditions. Let me do something. And so I said to him, would you want to do like a web series of some sort? And I was like, I always wanted to do something about like interracial dating. And he goes, oh, that's so funny. He's white. His sister's white, but his sister's married to a black man. And he's like, I've always want to do something about interracial dating.

Let's do it. So it started, we did like a Hamilton one where it was like when your white boyfriend first discovers Hamilton. And then we did one about hair, like when your white boyfriend sees your fro for the first time. That one did the best, I think, because so many women of color could relate to that in interracial relationships of like the white guys seeing like what black women do with their hair um and then the milk one was also very popular for a similar reason where people people of color are just like why are you drinking milk my husband said that when he was a kid, he would come home from playing with his friends all day long, sweaty and disgusting. And what he decided was thirst quenching was milk.

Like he would go into the fridge and then just like guzzle milk and then eat it with dinner. And I was just like, that is so disgusting. I've always hated milk. Even as a child, I've hated milk. And so, yeah, I don't know why they do it, but it's disgusting. It's very strange like he this dude i was dating he came over looked in my refrigerator and was like you don't have any milk and i was like what you just what we were like cuddling on the couch and i was like and

you want to drink a glass of milk and then what kiss me with your like milk coated tongue what the fuck is this but then I bought him milk when I made him dinner and he was like yummy oh my god and then I fucked this boy wearing my bonnet and he was like why he finally was like why do you wear this bot and I was like oh it's for bedtime and he was like why he finally was like why do you wear this and i was like oh it's for bedtime and he was like yeah but like maybe you take it off when we fuck and i was like well then i have to like put it back on for bed and then uh there was one time where i took it off because it was in that we like woke up we were like having sex and i like took it off and he was like oh she's into it now and it just made me laugh so hard i was like oh does he think i'm not into it when i keep it on i don't know i'm trying to just

be more comfortable with like this is how i live i used to like sleep in makeup with dudes but i'm no i don't have it in me anymore wow yeah that's that takes some effort did you get makeup all over your pillowcase though of course Of course. All over theirs. All over everything. I wouldn't like that. No, but like, you know. And then sometimes I'd sleep in my contacts and my lashes. It was like I made bad choices.

But then in 20, I guess it was after we got vaccinated. It was at 2021. I was like, I don't give a shit. I don't really wear makeup that much anymore unless I'm working um you're gonna see my fucking little fro i don't i do not care anymore yeah i mean because they gotta love you for you know what you actually look like which is mystifying to me sometimes because i'm like i don't look that great in the morning no one does though no one does i guess you're right yeah i mean like i think even the yeah no one looks great in the morning no one does though no one does i guess you're right yeah i mean like i think even the yeah no one looks great in the morning you're all crusty eyed and bad breath and

but like if you like someone you like them regardless yeah yeah i guess so i just uh sometimes i look in the mirror and i'm like oh no i don't think anyone's gonna love this and then i do nothing about it i go better go about my day sorry about it I'm always like I'm always like pleasantly I guess not pleasantly surprised just shocked and mortified more that like how different we can look based on like lighting angles makeup like I'm just like there's just sometimes i like catch my reflection in my phone or something i'm like oh god and then there's other times i'm like oh i'm fucking gorgeous like it's just like this complete 180 of like i'm hideous to like oh i'm actually an attractive person i feel rather hideous today because i'm wearing a shirt that's

slightly too small so it keeps like rolling up you can't see it and then my hair i usually wear like a little headband with my little fro i don't have that i didn't pick it out well enough so it's truly i it doesn't look good that's why i've cut my head off on the zoom you only can see your eyes you look adorable though thank you i don't feel adorable yeah but you know, she'll like that happens. You also wrote when your white boyfriend doesn't wear lotion,

I should write something called I'm a black who don't wear lotion. I never wear lotion. It's bad. I know. It's a constant thing. A cold buyer. I know.

Here's the thing. I'm too busy. I'm getting out of the shower and I've got things to do but don't you feel like dry like i i would feel all the time all the time uh currently i'm very very dry also like i get bruises all over me and i don't know from where uh i don't know yeah i i lather up i gotta do it right when i get out of the shower or else I feel weird. Like I can't put my clothes on if I'm like all dried up.

It's not comfortable. But Gracie, I have things to do. I know, you're very busy. You have four TV shows. I think we have to take another break. Okay. And we're back okay so are you a gal who's like because like you're tall and pretty and stuff and like you got big curly hair thank you this is like rude to say to somebody but i think you know all that stuff about yourself are you a girl how do i say this nicely have you always had like

a boyfriend has dating always been easy for you? How does it feel like to always be wanted? Oh, shut up. You know what, Nicole Byer? I, I, when I was younger, not so much when I was painfully insecure. And yeah, did not have a lot of confidence when it came to boys and dating when I was younger. And then something happened, I think, in college, where I mean, I definitely had a boyfriend as a teenager. But in college, I well, let me let me go back. I also went to all girls Catholic high school, right? So I didn't have boys my age around.

And because of that, I ended up dating, like, older men that now, in retrospect, is really gross. But back then, I was like, oh, it's fine. But you've told me about this before. What was, like, the age difference between you and your boyfriend? So when I was 16, I lost my virginity to someone who was 23. That's crazy because that person has, like, a job and pays taxes. Like, what do they have in common with you? who was 23. That's crazy because that person has like a job and pays taxes. Like what,

what do they have a comment with you? When I was 18, I was dating, my boyfriend was 30. So I couldn't come to my prom with me. I had to go with a friend. Crazy. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Really, really gross. But back then it didn't seem weird or gross. It just seemed, I think I was mature for my age in the sense that I grew up fast I think because I had a teenage mom my dad wasn't around like all that stuff I grew up in New York City I was taking the subway at 12 like you know you just grow up fast when you grow up in New York

and so it didn't seem weird and a lot of my friends were dating older men again probably because we were all surrounded by women and not boys our age. So there was definitely like a growth spurt in like late high school college with the boys. And then I met someone when I was 19 who I dated for four years. And that was my first like real boyfriend. Right. And then, yes, I was a fucking serial monogamous. I would jump from one relationship into the next, into the next. I love love.

I fall pretty quickly. I'm like, let's go. If I find someone like I care about, I'm like, ready. I'm like, let's do this. The longest I was single was the year before I met my ex-husband. Like I was single from my boyfriend before him to him for about a year and a half almost. And then since my husband, this is the longest i've been single what i am grappling with now is that i'm older now right and though people think i'm younger than i am i'm not and so there is this weird thing where now i'm 44 and men in their 30s like 10 years younger than me are the ones who hit on me and so like everyone i'ms, like 10 years younger than me, are the ones who hit on me. And so like everyone I'm dating is like 10 years younger than me.

And it's weird because we're on probably different timelines. Like guys at that age are starting to think about marriage and children. I'm like, well, I'm just getting out of a marriage. And if I have children, I maybe have a two-year window of this being a possibility, maybe three if I'm lucky. And so it's a weird thing to kind of grapple with. And then men older than me are kind of like too old because it's like it jumps from like my age to like 55. And like my mom's only 60, so I don't really want to date someone who's so close to my mom's age. So it's just that I'm in a weird –'m in for the first time in a very weird position and this is the longest I've been

single and which is now like almost I don't know a year and a half year almost two years so yeah so yes the long and short of it is yes I always had boyfriends um but now it's the first time like, oh, yeah, I'm an older woman now. And this is a little different. How? How did you keep getting boyfriends? Well, I grew up in New York and I was out a lot. I'm going to be honest. I went out a fucking lot.

I met people. I worked in restaurants since I was 16 years old. Oh, OK. Yeah. I mean, like I was always in like I was 16 years old. Oh, okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I was always in, like, I was always working in, like, the hottest new, like, hotel bar. Like, my first job at 18 was, like, working at the Mercer Hotel.

And, like, every celebrity and their mother went there. Every, like, cool person. You got any stories about somebody? Some blind items you want to share? Oh, my God. Only, like, good ones. Like, nothing scandalous. Like, my first day at work i'll never

forget this because i was fucking in love with george clooney and obsessed with jennifer lopez and my first day of work they go okay guys um so we are hosting the after party for out of sight because that's how old i am um yeah and i was 19 years old and the manager says grace you're gonna have the clooney table and i was just like oh my god i'm gonna wait on george clooney so i waited on george clooney all night i saw jennifer lopez in the flesh i saw her big ass and i was like oh my god her ass is huge it's amazing and then at the end of the night i'll never forget george clooney came to me he was so lovely all evening like such a nice guy rubbed my back but not in a pervy way

like in a very like in a daddy way like in a very like sweet like thank you so much for taking care of us all night like you were wonderful and i just remember like heart like melted i was just like oh god yes um god i wanted to have sex with him so bad, but I did not. You should have tried. I would have. I don't think I was bold enough. If you like this service, I'll service you in your fucking room, dude. I wasn't bold enough. That was just like, that was the beginning of me having any kind of self-confidence. So I definitely wasn't bold enough to be like, George Clooney, please take me home.

Yeah. So anyway, I don't know. I think, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it makes makes sense like being out in the world that's how you meet people i very much uh i think a thing that i struggle with is like i give a lot of myself to like work and like performing and then i'm just like tuckered out and i'm like i don't want to be out in these streets. You want me to sit in a bar for hours and see if I can hit on somebody? Get real. I got to go to sleep.

And it's so hard now, too, with fucking COVID is not helping things. You know, it's like you just got to worry about more and you can't. I don't know. There's definitely a little bit of funness. I'm also kind of a germaphobe i was before covid and so the thought of like just meeting a random stranger and talking very close to them you know not knowing their status uh makes me a little nervous it's a little wild we're just in these streets hoping that people are taking care of themselves. Hey, Gracie, you identify as Afro-Latina.

Yes, I do. What a terrible segue. What is Afro-Latina for some people who don't know who might be listening? Nicole, that's an excellent question because a lot of people don't know. It's funny. It's a term that's historically been around for a long time, as I recently found out because I did not know this. But it is not a term people were using up until I would say maybe the last five or ten years. So growing up, I had so many identity issues because I grew up in New York City as a Dominican American with a family, like all Latin families, just constantly telling me I'm Dominican.

But me being like, yeah, but I'm black. And a lot of Latin people don't like to admit that they're black. There's a lot of colorism and racism in our community that is not a secret. And so growing up, it was always like, like no you're not black you're dominican and it wasn't until i got to college and my my best friend who's still one of my best friends jasmine um she was my roommate in college she's like bitch you're black i mean i grew up on the east coast and i always thought dominicans were black and i always thought it was really funny and they'd be like no i'm dominican i'm like yeah but you're also just black right and and like and

the thing is there's a difference. Like, black is race. Dominican is ethnicity. Like, yeah, my ethnicity is Dominican. Right. And I think, you know, that's where that term Afro Latina or Latina comes. It's like, it's acknowledging our blackness. But a lot of people don't like to use it because they don't want to acknowledge their blackness.

And there is a difference between black and African-American, right? You can be black and not be African-American. So I think Dominicans are black but not African-American. And that's a distinguished – that's something that because now we have this term Afro-Latino, we can say, oh, I'm Afro-Latino. I'm not African-American. And I guess that's better for them to feel like they can still, like, acknowledge their Latin roots. And I guess that's better for them to feel like they can still like acknowledge their Latin roots. But basically, it's any Latin person that has some kind of African ancestry, which most most Latin people do, especially from the Caribbean.

Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, but all over like Panamanians, Colombians, Mexicans, there are black Mexicans. But, yeah, it's definitely something that I think our community is still, like, wrapping their heads around. And I think there's definitely been movement in that. I think in Hollywood especially, people are finally realizing that not all Latinos look like J-Lo and John Leguizamo. Like, we come in all shades and all hair types and all colors and all color eyes and everything else. Because Hollywood just wants to depict them as like the Sofia Rogaras and Jennifer Lopez's of the world. They're tan and they have big boobs and big asses and, you know, whatever. And long, straight, wavy hair. And it's like, yeah, those exist.

But also there's fucking blonde ones with blue eyes and there's fucking super dark black ones with, you know, kinky hair. Like Christina Aguilera. She is Latina. She is Latina. I don't know. I don't know if I'm supposed to say Latinx. I feel like I just saw a song where I was like, maybe you don't say it no more. Well, it's like Latina, Latinx latin latino latina i don't know there's a lot

of ways to try to include people i guess but um that's a whole nother thing that is grappling with do you remember were you on twitter with jesse williams's large pns a video uh circulating so it's this play called uh take me out yes it's called take me out and it is a baseball play and i went and saw it because i saw that big old honking dick on twitter and went and saw it and honestly very very good but there's a line in it where somebody says uh well they're colored people and then he was like no they're people of color and he's like what's the difference and he's like we just have to trust them and that made me laugh so hard because it was like i i feel like a lot of white people are like things keep changing why and it's like well i don't know we just decided that like who we don't this is what we like to be called not that no it's true and you know i think yeah

people are still figuring that out but i will say a lot of people don't know what the fuck about uh afro latino means i've had someone ask me if that means one person asked me, is it because you have an Afro? And that's pretty funny. And I said, oh, my God, you can't be serious. And they were completely serious. That's a fun person. I'd like to meet him. And then someone thought it meant that, like, I had an African-American parent and a Latin parent.

And I was like, no no both of my parents were Dominican but black but like of color Dominicans um but that could be the case I guess if you're half black and half Latin then I guess you still would be Afro Latino I don't know now I'm confusing myself real quick back to Take Me Out um I think it's still running on Broadway and if you're in New York City you should go see it because one it is a delightful comedy slash drama you know it's a play so it's got heart to it um everyone acts really well and you get to see one two three four five I think six dicks uh at several times in this show there's shower scenes man uh people get undressed there are like you

have to put your phone in like that little pouch because you know you can't be you know taping people in a broadway show now okay um and when jesse williams first takes off his pants there was a woman sitting house right who just went no no lining up to get into the show it was just black women who were like i can't wait to see that thing and gay men being like i got off work early and i can't wait to see that thing and uh we all were there for one purpose and i've never experienced being at a show where everyone collectively was like i don don't, this is a baseball thing that I've never heard of. I came to see a penis. Wait, so is this penis really that big?

It's incredible. I was not that close. And I still was like, I clutched my pearls at one point because it was so fabulous. I couldn't believe that I got, I paid very little money to see it. Oh, my God. And there's other people's penises, too? All of them. You get to see all of them.

It's delightful. And there was a talk back after, and the woman running it was this black lady who is so funny. She very quietly spoke into the microphone she said um if you have any questions um or thoughts i'm gonna be around with a piece of paper and you can write it down and then she wrote she walked through the theater like she was a ghost because she was trying not to make noise and at one point someone reached out to get a piece of paper and she just like crumbled she like she got scared and went oh like almost fell to the floor she was haunted and she was so funny and then one of the questions somebody asked was and i'm pretty good at like skimming something as i'm reading it and

stopping myself before you get to a moment where you're like nobody needs to hear this but the the moderator was like okay here's this question this person says uh my grandmother was hit with a baseball and died are you guys doing anything to keep that from happening also great play and we were all like what and he was like wow no that was that was bad and i was like you saw those words before you said them out loud it is not like you involuntarily couldn't stop reading it was truly the best experience i've ever had in my whole life oh man i really want to see that honestly if you have the time fly to new york and go see it. I'm going to New York next month. I don't know if it's still, I think it runs through July. I'm 99% sure.

Sorry. Wait, this is airing June 7th. Yes, I will be in New York. Please, if it's running, go see it. Jesse Tyler Ferguson is so fucking funny in it. And then all, like everybody who's in it's really fucking good. I think you're gonna, you're gonna like what you see. Yeah, okay.

Well, I've been in rooms with Jesse because we have mutual friends. And so it may feel a little uncomfortable to see his penis, if I'm being honest. Well, his you don't see. Spoiler. That's the only dick you don't see. Jesse Williams?

Oh, Jesse Williams, yes. Sorry, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, you don't see his. Jesse Williams, it's not awkward, I promise. I could hang out with him tomorrow. And know full well what he's packing and not have a problem with it okay i i want to see it for the art of the play not because of his penis i'm just gonna make that clear here's what i say go for the dick stay for the art that's what happened to me i was enraptured and i like genuinely was like moved by the end of it okay i loved i had read it years and years and years ago so like i kind of knew what it was about

um i used to read a lot of plays i have since stopped reading oh and then i saw slave play oh i've been out and about at the play there's a part where this man jerks off another man's boot and i turned to sashir who i had brought and i said i'm so sorry i brought you here because the play got wilder as time went on oh i know i saw you remember we had our whole little text exchange oh boy i do i do love when art makes friends talk. That's what I was saying. It is nice. Good or bad. I like it when it makes friends talk.

I said it did its job. We're talking about it. I just can't wait for the like Fairfield High School production of Slave Play. No, no. No school should do Slave Play. That's what I'm waiting for. And I can't wait to read the reviews and see clips on instagram in a couple of years or whatever we have by that time

right because we're not gonna have instagram for that much longer right i hope not it's gonna evolve into something else like what is social media i don't know anymore What is social media? I don't know anymore. Gracie. Yes. We're coming to the end, but you graduated magna cum laude.

What does that mean? This is when you find out I'm a straight up idiot. I have no idea what that means. It means I'm a nerd. I got, I think I met, I think I had a 3.7 GPA. Oh, when I graduated. That's all it means. It I had a 3.7 GPA. Oh. When I graduated.

That's all it means. It's so funny. I just was at my sister's graduation this past weekend. And so, you know, when they announce the kids' names who graduate with honors, they'll say their name and they'll be like, Suma Kamlaudi, Kamlaudi, Magna Kamlaudi, whatever. Everyone says it very funny by the way they make sure to say cum and not cum oh you know there you can tell they're all like being very cautious not to say cum um but then i had to look up because i didn't remember what each one meant and so it's all 3.5 and above gpa graduating but like 3.5 to 6 is cum laude 7 to 8 is magna cum laude and and 9 to 4.0 is

summa cum laude oh yeah yeah fun i didn't go to real school so i don't have no cum lauds uh or kumasumas kumalabisumas crazy we've come to the end i ask all of my guests this except for a run of a couple episodes where i was like i'm not doing this anymore i'm not sure why i chose to do that uh but i'm back to it back on my fucking bullshit would you date me absolutely that makes me so happy thank you gracie i mean. I love you. I told you I loved you like the first week we worked together. I know. And I like I love you. Here's what I like so much about you. I find you to be so like effortlessly cool. And I try really hard to be cool sometimes. Wow. That is the best compliment anyone's ever given me yeah i feel like you're just like you happen to be cool well thank you that is a great compliment because i've always felt like a a real dorky nerd i still feel like a dorky nerd but

i do love clothes so you do have good clothes thank you and i like you have good clothes actually we we have a similar we both love leopard which i thought was very fun you know i think so too i'm actually wearing leopard pants right now. I love that. I love some leopard. But thank you, Nicole. And yeah, I would love to date you. Let's go for drinks and dinner soon, please.

Let's do it. I love it. Okay, Gracie, thank you so much for doing this. Do you have anything you want to promote? Please watch NBC's Grand Crew on B-Hawk and Hulu. And then I have a podcast that you are going to be on called Not Blank Enough. You can listen to wherever you listen to your podcast. And then that's it.

Yeah. I love it. Okay. And if you like this episode of Oh Oh, I want you to date me. You could like a rating subscribe or something or whatever. I don't know. Give me like a five star review on Apple podcast and like Spotify and shit. And if you write me a nasty message hitting on me,

you can write it to why won't you date me? Podcast at gmail.com. Please no dick pics. Cause my wonderful producer Marissa is the one who curates it and she doesn't want to see your dicks i don't ever see the dicks so you're sending them in a fruitless mission okay so this dirty message said one day while clyde is out for a walk which is pretty funny am i walking him or is my dog just out by himself i'll pull up in a rental van and kidnap him. So my dog is just out for a walk by himself. Okay.

The next morning, a ransom note will appear at your door that says you'll be required to complete an elaborate set of sexual favors in order for Clyde's safe return. Friend, I don't know about this. Understandably upset, you drink multiple bottles of wine and calls the shearer to brainstorm. You are too involved in my life. What the sexual task could possibly be. However, all the sex talk accidentally gets you super horny on the phone with my friend.

I hate this. It's at this moment that I'll show up at your door in a furry costume that looks just like Clyde. Why are you doing this to me? You're too deep into your blackout to tell if it's actually a man and not your beloved Clyde. I eat your pussy like it's peanut butter. I would never let my dog eat my pussy and then we have sex doggies tell of course you pass out and I sneak out of your house and return Clyde in the morning everything's back to

normal but you look at Clyde and you think did we fuck well well glad you're home pal I hated that this takes the top spot as the worst thing anyone's ever written me. The top one was someone wanted to flip me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. And that was like two and a half years ago. It's haunted me ever since. But this takes the top part where this person's trying to trick me into fucking my dog. I would never fuck Clyde. He is the worst breath in America.

Also, he's a dog. He can't consent. It's not as rude. Oh, I don't like that. I hated it. That's the worst message in America. Also, he's a dog. He can't consent. It's not as rude. Oh, I don't like that. I hated it. That's the worst message I've ever gotten. Hope you're happy. Okay.

Bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat! What a dream! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.