Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Having Sex On-Camera (w/ Jordan Firstman)

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

Comedian Jordan Firstman (Big Mouth, Ms. Marvel) joins Nicole to talk about his experience being involved in a threesome where everyone had COVID, having real sex on-camera for a movie, and finding love in Berlin after a drug-fueled bender. Plus, Nicole shares why sucking dick is so joyful.  Disclaimer: This episode contains discussion of homophobia, including some strong language, such as the F word. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could come on the back of a painting, stick it to my wall, and when it falls down you go, I guess my glue's not strong. My guest today

is a hilarious comedian, writer, and filmmaker who you've seen on the other two, Search Party, Big Mouth, and Ms. Marvel. His new movie, Rotting in the Sun, was just named the most bonkers movie at Sundance by Variety magazine. Plus, he's in a new rom-com called You People, streaming now on Netflix. It's Jordan Firstman! Yeah!

Yeah! Woo! It's Jordan Firstman! Boopity-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee- doing this episode. I'm really happy. Tell me about this breakup that you had. Do you mind? Yeah, that one, I'm like, so I'm in a new relationship that I can talk about everything with. The breakup's a little hard because like... Great. Let's skip it. I'll just say it was a capital A abusive

relationship. Then we don't have to talk. That's all you have to say. I don't want to get into it. Let's not bring this fucking party down. The new boyfriend. Tell me about this. I mean, he's he's mage. We love him.

He is an Italian Gemini who lives in Berlin. So it's it's very chaotic. But it's is beautiful at the same time. You kind of never know. He lives in Berlin. You live in LA. Where did you meet? We met in Berlin on the street.

On the street? On the street. I was walking with a friend that I had just met like two weeks ago in Spain randomly. And then I didn't have any friends in Berlin, but I was going there. And this was kind of like this was right at the kind of mid end of my relationship. And I like took a trip. I just I was like had no idea who I was at this point in the relationship. You know, you get into a relationship and like a little lost, you know?

Yeah. at this point in the relationship, you know, you get into a relationship and like a little lost, you know? Yeah. So I like took this trip and I repeated the exact trip I took when I was 21 years old to like see how I had changed was kind of an experiment for me. So I had had a really big, I like a life changing Berlin trip when I was 21 that like completely shaped my sexuality in my life. So I was back in Berlin walking with this new Spanish friend and he was, and oh shit. Can you bleep his name? You know why?

You know why Nicole? What sound do you want the bleep to be? Uh, I couldn't have asked for anything better you know why I have to believe his name Nicole why because these thirsty fucking faggots I have never tagged him on anything uh-huh because I know they going to look him up and they're going to follow him and they're going to DM him and guess what? He is going to fuck them.

He's not going to... I wish I could be like, oh my man would never... He definitely would and I just don't want that in his DM. But yeah. Where were we? Yeah, so we're leaving out his name. So're leaving him on the street um you're with your new Spanish friend and yeah and then what and then so I he's he's kind of can be really shy at first so

I I thought he was cute but we didn't we didn't really have a vibe and then I saw him at a party later and we kissed just like at the we were just like high on drugs and we kissed and I was like oh that's surprising and then he that's surprising that I'm high and I'm kissing somebody in Berlin what um and then so he was like we should we should go to the lake together let's hang out and go to the lake on Tuesday so he gave me his number to like Monday comes I text him don't hear back Tuesday the day we're supposed to go doesn't text me so I'm like okay whatever these Berlin boys are flaky um and then he texted me on Wednesday and he was like oh sorry and he had like just been on like some sex and drug bender and wasn't responding,

like didn't have his phone. So he was like, let's go to the lake. So we went Thursday and that, that was like that day I was like, oh, I'm like fully in love. Like within like one day of knowing him. And it was just like immediately so sexy and like our, our sexualities were really compatible, but I was still, I was still in this relationship and we were, we were, we were open. So like the sex was fine, but it was the first time in this four year relationship that I was like, Oh my God, you had feelings. Yeah. And I was like, I'm like in love with this person. And then then so we had a very like he I think he was we were both overwhelmed me more so than him I think he was like yeah there's some feelings here but who is this random like tv writer from LA and this was like before I like any Instagram shit happened like before I had the clout. So basically it like,

that kind of started the beginning of the end of the breakup and then the breakup happened. And I kind of, in my mind, I was like, okay, his purpose in my life was to get me out of this relationship. And like, maybe it wasn't real love, whatever. So then the pandemic happens

and not the first summer of the pandemic but the second summer so now we're like two years two years later I randomly end up back in Berlin I'm not supposed to go there I was on like a trip to Italy with like a really chaotic group of like New York fashion gays and I was like I have to leave like you guys are like I was like on so much coke and screaming at waiters. And I can't be here anymore. And so I was like, where do I go? Where do I go?

And I was like, Berlin is kind of like, should I do Berlin? I don't really want to party right now. But whatever, let's go. And so I went. And the second I saw him, I was like right back there. Did you like hit him up or did you like run into him again? No, I hit him up. And like, again, he was like, he can go so, he's so bad at phone and texting.

So he didn't text me. I was like, okay, it wasn't meant to be. Like he was just a thing from the past. And then like day two, he was like, hey, sorry, just seeing this. Like, what are you doing right now? Come to this apartment and then I came and it was like I just within two days I was like this the love is even stronger than the first time so we had like 10 10 days in Berlin where it just like of getting like more and more intense and like like at that point he was, I was always more like,

I knew it was love, love, love, love. And he was still a little bit skeptical because he's like, how would this ever work? He's very, he's a lot more practical than I am. But by the end there were feelings and like he cried the last day, which I was like, okay, got him, got him. Tears, feelings, you're mine. feelings and like he he cried the last day which I was like okay got him got him um cheers yeah and then so the last night I was supposed to be in Berlin it's it's all mushy gushy

we were at this party and it's still like COVID vibes so like the parties in Berlin and like Berlin became Germany during COVID if that makes any sense Berlin became Germany during COVID, if that makes any sense. Berlin became Germany. Like Berlin always felt like Berlin. And like. Yes. And it feels like the rest of the country where it's because Berlin is like a party city. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just like lawless and it's very free. And then the pandemic made it like Germany, like strict rules, masks. Like they were like that summer, like in New York and LA, America was giving like free for all. This was 2021. And like Berlin, it was like, they opened up the clubs, but you had to wear masks in the club,

even if it was outside. It was, it was, it was weird. But so we felt like one, one party that kind of, you can get away with not wearing your masks. We were like super, super high. And they do a thing like called Soup in Berlin where like you kind of, you get like a group of people,

like five or six people that you're connecting with at the party and kind of like everyone piles like whatever drugs they have into one thing. And then you mash it up. And you snort it and it's a fun time and you'll feel whatever feelings are coming through that's very funny yeah so we did a soup and met this guy who we were really vibing with and we all kind of like we became like this little family and it was a really cute night we went home with him him, had good sex. It was great, but like that was where it should have ended. And then so I, I wake up the next morning to go leave and like pack my bags. I'm like, I feel weird.

And then I was like, and so I like try to barbecue potato chip and I was like I can't taste this I have COVID I tried it but I like that barometer of a test can I taste this barbecue potato chip no can't because it is the strongest thing to taste and then so I was like we had already done like the mushy gushy goodbye and then I was like I guess I'm I guess I'm moving in to his place and then so we tell the guy we have COVID he's like I have COVID too he's like well at least like let me come over for dinner we could cook dinner I think it's gonna be like dinner and then go he doesn't leave he stays for 10 days and it becomes this like like a ruffle yes and we're stuck in this one tiny room because his roommate we didn't have COVID so we couldn't even use the kitchen really and like immediately and like was just like so blissfully unaware that, like, I wanted this to be a one-night thing.

And, like, I was not interested in this person being there. And they, I also was way sicker than them. So they were able to keep fucking. And I would just, like, be in the corner. Just, like, in the corner, snotting, coughing with a hood on, being like, maybe I'll feel better in a minute. But also, like, also, also like having my heart broken, like it was so heartbreaking for me.

And so by like day six, I was literally like, if they were, they would be like cuddling and kissing. I would have my headphones on. I'd be crying in the corner. And I was like, I, this is the worst experience of my life. And then I'm like, whatever day eight, like I I'm giving them the strongest messages like they see how upset this is making

me and then day 8 the like the third comes and he's like I could see that you're in pain so I'm gonna go and I'm like duh bitch like you should have seen this pain day 2 you should have seen this pain after dinner that's really funny I see see your pain. I should go. Yeah. I've

come enough. I might as well just leave. Yeah. Yeah. Worth it. So then I finally go home. My guy and I, you know, we keep talking. And then he visited me last April in LA. He had never been to America before. And that's when it was just like, this is so undeniable. Like we're boyfriends now. So that's kind of our story, our long story. Do you think you're going to move to Berlin or do you think he's going to move here? Or are you just going to keep doing long distance? I think the goal would be summer in Berlin, winter in LA, one trip back and forth in the fall and spring.

Yeah, that sounds perfect. Yeah. What a dream. Because I'm fine with long distance. I miss him a lot, right now especially, but I think it's good for both of us to have our lives. And we have very different lives. So I think it's important that we like can still remain independent in our own lives

and be able to like for him not to get like fully swept up into my life. Because like, I don't know. It's just like it's like a lot of stuff. Yeah. And like, I don't know. I don't want to fully drag him into all of that mess. It's easy to sweep somebody up into like the world of entertainment. And it's like,

we're doing that. We're doing that. And it's like, you don't want him to lose his shit. And yeah. What makes him him. Yeah. So yeah.

I really like that. You're like, no, you got to keep doing what you're doing. I'll keep doing what I'm doing. And we'll just be together. Meet in the middle. Yeah.

Speaking of you being in entertainment and being a writer, I have learned that you're a nepo baby. Both your parents worked for Newsday. Oh, the biggest, the biggest arts publication in the entire world. Oh my God. Who told you about Newsday? My assistant, Lindsay, is the greatest researcher of all time she always finds delightful delicious things about people and that's what i found out the nepo baby conversation continues with you jordan

my my mom writing for the health and science section of Newsday, a small Long Island newspaper, and my dad quitting the sports section to try writing nonfiction. Is that what made you a writer? Being this nepo baby where you had a leg up in the world, you knew how to make sentences because you had two parents who did it before you? because you had two parents who did it before you. Actually, what is funny is that my dad, do you remember that medium that had a TV show called John Edwards? Yes. Yes.

He was like an older butch man. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So my dad ghost wrote his books. That was like his job after Newsday was ghost sprayed and that is juicy yeah he would come over and be and like feel like my mom's grandmother and be like i have to i have to go

see who which dead person is around right now oh my god literally how haunting i fucking love that but yeah that's that's my that's my no i wish I had, I'm sure you relate, but like coming here with no connections is, I wish I had more, you know? And my mom, I don't know if you have this, but like my mom, my mom now lives in Idaho and like still like, I think I'm doing pretty well in my career. Yeah, you're fucking killing it. I think I'm doing pretty well in my career. Yeah, you're fucking killing it. My mom will still call me and she'll be like, I just met someone in Idaho that is a cinematographer for commercials in Idaho. And I really think you should meet them.

I think they could really help you out. That is so sweet. Were you like, bitch, I just went to Sundance. Are you kidding? A cinematographer in Idaho? I know a cinematographer, okay? Okay, I'm doing all right. Yeah, she still

wants to be able to help me, but there just never was a way she could have. I really love that. Okay, I find you so funny and endearing and truly only really know you from your Instagram and whatnot. So did you do UCB or stand-up or anything? I feel like I should have run into you in my time performing here.

I when I was very young before I moved to LA when I was 21. And when so and I dropped out of college at like 18 or 19. So the year the one year I was in New York, I took a couple UCB classes I don't like to be identified with with it with it um it just like did it it didn't like yeah it didn't like stick for me like I never I wasn't that good at it I mean I think it does take a long time to get good at improv and I didn't like I didn't like it enough to like want to put the work into it sure and. And then I think I like, when I first moved to LA, I tried, I went to a couple of open mics and immediately it was like absolutely never, ever. I don't think I would do stand up if I had to go the open mic route. Yeah. Open mics are brutal and comics are mean starting out.

Horrible people. Just so route. Yeah. Open mics are brutal and comics are mean starting out. Like just so mean. Yeah. I got to start on like book shows where there was nice people who were like, oh, you are funny. Here's a tag.

Or here's a little thing you could say here. And I'm like, oh, thank you. I have no idea what it's like to do an open mic. No, it's really crazy.

Like there is something, there's a psychological thing about an audience where one, even if they're not stand-ups like if they don't know you they don't want to laugh and if they even know who you are like vaguely they will laugh they will laugh so hard at shit that's not even funny not funny well i think that's that's the trap a lot of comics get into is that they because they're getting so much

laughs like mid-career they're not able to be funny anymore because they don't know what's funny because the audience is laughing like fucking like what dave chappelle could say anything he wants and the audience is gonna go crazy they're gonna go bananas for it because yeah who he is yeah and yeah it's wild i that's why i'm like there will be a point because i plan on being very fucking successful. There's going to be a point where I have too much to be relatable. And guess what? I retire. I don't like as soon as I'm like, what's a cab?

Like, I'm not doing stand up anymore. Like, it doesn't make sense when you don't when you can't relate to half your audience or actually all of your audience. I think that it is that. And I think like the route to me, I think the best route is like, because you already have stand up is writing. So I think it's like you transition into writing about telling stories about people that aren't yourself.

And like, so you could still be really successful. You could still keep on making a lot of money. And it doesn't have to people don't have to get sick of you. You know, because once once they're sick of you, it's kind of dumb. They don't want to see things that are written by you. It's a wrap. I think it's like Ellen.

It's like Ellen, just go completely behind the scenes and executive producer, whatever, you should have done this a long time. Yeah, and don't even throw your name on it. Get a pseudonym. Be Belen.

I don't know. Yeah, Belen. Belen DeBeneres. Be generous. Jordan, real quick, we haveen. I don't know. Yeah, Belen. Belen DeBeneren. Belen DeBeneren. Jordan, real quick, we have to take a break. Okay. Be bop, boo bop. We're back, Jordan.

Wow, I love that break. Okay, can I ask you about, are you currently in an open relationship? Yeah. And have all of your relationships been open? Yes. I have, I've never, I've had like, this is my second and a half relationship and I've never, I've never tried monogamy. I just don't think it's in me.

Second and a half. Very funny. I love that you had half a relationship that you're like, it wasn't a full commitment, but you know, I'll count it as a halfsies. When did you decide that monogamy wasn't for you? I've like, like I said, like, I, Nicole,

I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but this is the year I stop saying like in between every word. I don't know how to do it. It's so hard. It's truly very hard. And I'm like, I know I i'm not dumb but i sound so dumb because of the likes i don't think you sound dumb because of the likes i think it's part of the zeitgeist but i did try very hard to not say like as often as i did and i try not to go um as much

it's a real like conscious effort yeah i just said like I know now it's all we're gonna think about it really is though to change the way you speak when you're used to it yeah but anyway so I've I've just been slutty. And so my first, the half relationship that was at, and I had been, you know, I had fallen for guys before, but the half relationship started at like 22. And he was like 38 or something. And he was not about to do monogamy either.

So that one was just like okay the second one i knew i couldn't do it he wanted to do it okay and and it was the biggest it was one of the big problems the whole time in the relationship is that he agreed agreed to do it without really wanting to do it yeah and i And I think in a relationship, you have to be fully fucking honest with somebody. Like, if you don't think, like, unmonogamous, what is it? A non... Non-monogamous.

Yeah, a non-monogamous relationship is for you, then, like, you have to just be upfront and honest with it. Yeah, yeah. I love the idea of non-monogamy because it's like, if we're not together, what does it matter what you're doing and i also i also love i love watching my boyfriend be a whore like i it's it's it's to to a point i mean like we've to a point okay so i understand that your boundary is if everyone

is sick with covid it's not a threesome time. You have to go home. Yeah, exactly. But if we're at a party fully healthy and there's 12 dicks around, like I want him to suck every one of those dicks. Suck them all. I like that. I don't know how much I would be into it. I think I would just get jealous and be like you don't suck my

pussy the way you suck that pussy yeah and there there is there is this is the first relationship I'm in right now that I've ever had feelings of jealousy and it just because it's because of how much I love him but I think it's also I get over it it. Because the other side is that we're both not expressing our sexuality and we're going against who we are. I'd rather some little feelings of jealousy come up and deal with them. I think people get so scared of the feeling of jealousy that they're willing to ruin their entire life to not feel it. Yeah. feeling of jealousy that they're willing to like ruin their entire life to not feel it yeah and I'm like it's just like it's just like uh feeling insecure or sad like these are feelings we already have so often and you just like push through and then there's something to saying it out loud being

like hey the way you spoke to that lady really made me feel kind of jealous and then maybe if you say that to your partner they're like oh yeah you were jealous that someone else is serving me like serving me attention yeah maybe you have like really hot sex because he's like or they're like no yeah I love you I don't know I I mean there's so many interesting dynamics that come with all of it is that like if I see him going for someone that I'm like oh no I'm gonna like one like actually I'm gonna get to that guy first like I'm gonna fucking first and then it's like I don't know it's probably unhealthy that that but there are some just I'm I'm a person that I I don't really believe in like positive or negative

or just I don't believe in like bad or good I just like things to be dynamic and interesting. So even so I think it being with this person, again, an Italian Gemini, that it's like really all over the place. Like the relationship is so fun and sometimes I, it hurts me, but then the other times it's the deepest I've ever felt and the most compassion I've ever felt. So I don't know. It, it's, it's, it keeps it all very fresh all the time. I like it. And I think a lot of like, like, I don't know,

things that were expected to do as adults is really like put on us as kids. It's like, you get married, you have a white picket fence, you want kids. But truly I came to the conclusion like the other week I was like, oh, I don't want kids.

And I've said it for a while, but I was like hard line. Like I actually do not for a while, but I was like, hard line. Like I actually do not want them. I do not want to change my lifestyle. I don't want to pay for something that like didn't deserve it. For anyone else. Like just because you were born doesn't mean I buy you a crib. You didn't do anything to earn it.

You did nothing. Work. You wrecked my body. You have to work for that. Like what are you contributing to this relationship? Like I anything to earn it. You did nothing. Work. You wrecked my body. You'd have to work for that. Like, what are you contributing to this relationship? Like, I don't want it. And then I was like, I don't know if I ever need a partner to live in my house. It's my house that I decorated.

It's my stuff. So it's like, maybe we have my place, their place, and then Abby's place. Oh, my God. Three houses. You're like my god, three houses? You're like, I need three houses where I'm not getting into a relationship. I can't fuck you unless there's three houses!

You are going to Ellen DeGeneres throughout that. Let him get sick of you. Let him get sick of you, girl. Wait, tell me about your short. No. Is it a full length?

No, it's a short. Oh, bitch, that feature. I'm so sorry. Feature film, baby. I'm so sorry. You think I would do a short? How dare you? Well, you've done a short before. No, I've done shorts.

You did a short called The Disgustings. Oh, wow. Which several film festivals, it went to them. Yes, that I know. This research is so funny to me. Yeah, wow. Several film festivals that it went to them. Yes, that I know. This research is so funny to me. Yeah, yeah. I love you reading, reading off the screen. Okay, here's something fun.

Grew up in Northport on Long Island. It's less gross Long Island vibes and more Gilmore Girls-y, not rich people Hamptons. Lindsay does the work. I literally, I have to just go through my life and never look back at anything I've said because I can't stop saying insufferable shit. Like everything I say is horrible to listen to

five minutes later, but it somehow works in the moment. So I just try, I try to never look back at anything I've ever said. I mean, I thought it was very, very funny. Okay. So tell me about Rotting in the Sun, which is a meta queer comedy. It is. Yes, I guess it is a meta queer comedy. But yeah, it's this filmmaker named Sebastian Silva made it and I was already a really big fan of his. He made this amazing movie called Crystal Fairy and the Magic Cactus with Michael Cera and Gabby Hopper. And that is one of my faves and has been.

You would love it. It's so fun. And then he made a movie called Nasty Baby with Kristen Wiig. That is really, it was very controversial. But I've always, I've like, I was a fan and an admirer. I was like, I revered him and I kind of resented him in a way because he was doing what I, he was making the shit I always wanted to make. And you know, when you see someone older than you, more successful than you doing what you

want to do, like just feelings come up. Oh yeah. You're like, how did you get to that place? Yeah. How are you doing things that are like in my brain that I cannot manifest or write down on a piece of paper? No, I get it. Yeah. How are you doing things that are like in my brain that I cannot manifest or write down on a piece of paper? No, I get it. Yeah.

And then so I randomly met him in Mexico City on the street again. I mean, I got to walk with you. Jesus fucking Christ. Let's go on a walk. And actually, I met him in the same plaza that we shot the entire movie. The whole thing is so meta. And I play myself and I play annoying influencer Jordan Firstman. I met him in the same plaza that we shot the entire movie. The whole thing is so meta. Like, and I play myself and I played annoying influencer,

Jordan first man. And I play a way, a way worse version of myself, a way more self-involved narcissistic version of myself. But yeah, he called me and he was like, he was, he, he didn't know who I was when I met him,

even though like, you know, that, that year was pretty big online for me. But he's not a super online. Whatever. I was doing pretty well online. And I'm actually not sure if he was lying or not.

He really didn't. So, like, I meet him. We actually did not, like, vibe so much. Like, I think he thought I was kind of annoying. And I thought he was saying pretentious shit. And so, and we didn't, it was he thought I was kind of annoying and um I I thought he was saying pretentious shit and so and we didn't like he doesn't like any movies and so he was like saying he didn't like so many movies I liked I was like oh fuck this guy but still like liked him he's so charming like he's incredibly charming um and then he calls me in July we met in like

April or May and he was like, dude, I just like watched all your Instagram. Like some of it is really bad. Like, aren't you embarrassed to like post stuff like that? I love this person. That is so funny to call someone and be like, aren't you fully embarrassed?

He was like, he's like, a couple of them are funny, but like for me, most of them are really embarrassing and bad. So anyway, I want to cast you in the lead of a movie. This person is so fucking funny. He's iconic. He's iconic. Because the way I shop for clothing is I go, oh, this is disgusting.

And then I buy it. And then people who are with me are like, wait, you just said that was disgusting. I was like, yeah, it's nasty. I don't think another person will like it. I can't wait to put it on my body. That is exactly him. Like he wants to like explore the most grotesque shit he can. So I think something about him, and this is very in the movie too, but like he feels so unsuccessful in his art.

And then he looks at me and he's like this fucking moron is successful like like what god that's so funny but i the like i think the reason why i love it so much is like the embracing of it it's like oh this is what people like all right well i guess I'll put it in my movie and we'll see what happens what kind of magic happens yeah and it really like yeah it was and then and then so like we started having these conversations and he's like I'm really gonna be mean to you in the movie and I was like please I need it like I was the internet I had started to take the internet like so seriously. And like,

you know, people for, uh, people like turned on me for a second and it got, it felt really bad. And like gay guys are so fucking mean on the, it's like, they love, I'm sure they are the,

like, they literally support you till the day you die. You can do anything and they love you. They're very kind to me, but I've seen them be really mean to other yeah yeah and they are they do not like to see another gay person winning they don't like to see another a gay person who is like uh putting out their sexuality and also trying to be funny winning like there's a lot of things that they don't like about me my friend mateo has a lot of people do you know mate Yeah. People in the comments will say these things that I'm like, he's shirtless because he wants to and he works hard for that body.

Yeah. I mean, he's posting funny stuff because he's a funny person. Yeah. A lot of people have a lot of shit to say. And I'm like, just let people live. Yeah. But it's like any woman could do, if they think a woman is a queen, like they could say the exact same words, show their body show their body in the same way and they're like queen we love you instead forever well people are trying to figure out why megan did so well with the gay demographic and i was like yeah because

she's a murderous doll what an iconic diva it's like a drag queen that's why but if we say if megan was a gay man then it would like they would literally be like this is the worst movie ever. I hate this. Oh, my God. But like a little kid gay doll would be amazing, too. I think it would be incredible. But also in that Chucky, come on. Yeah, true.

True. He is the biggest faggot out there. But so, yeah, I had just been, I had been bullied online. I had, I was really, I had gotten really sensitive to online. And so the idea of being able to make light of all of it and make fun of myself was so appealing to me. And then, and then we started talking about the sex and he was like, would you be willing to have real sex on camera and I had already been I had been like approached by browsers early in the year to write it to write and direct

a porn and I I really wanted to do it but my agents were like absolutely not like no so I was already like interested in that territory and, and seeing how far I could push it. And just, I was like, this sounds fun. Like, I want to see if I can,

I can like really like have sex on camera. And so I was like, let's go. And then we did it. And we, there's a few sex scenes in the movie. I will. Okay. Now I'm going to now I'm going to show you a still. Yes.

Okay. I'm going to show you a still. Having sex on camera, what is that like? Were you aware of the camera? Did you feel, because I know if I have to do something where it's like, okay, everyone's staring at me and I got to go do something, I get a little nervous. And I'm like, oh my God, I wonder if I have to do something where it's like okay everyone's staring at me and I gotta go do something I get a little nervous and I'm like oh my god I wonder if I could do it it wasn't really about I'm actually I'm pretty good at ignoring a camera if it's there except if it's a for some reason if someone's recording me on their phone I turn into like a scale skeleton, like shell, shell, shell, shell, skeleton.

A shell. Yeah. A skeleton. But like, I can't. But if it's like, I don't know if something is about like if there's a big camera, I can pretend it's not there. That wasn't the hard part. The hard part was that this it was the first sex scene we shot was like a five person orgy.

And it's it's a big plot point happens in the scene. So it's not just like we're showing sex. It's always wrapped into the story. So I'm already kind of in a manic spiral, druggy mode. And then I have to suck this dick. Then they have to try to put a double-sided dildo on me. I need to get poppers. And then I find a clue as I need to get poppers. So,

and then I find a clue as I'm getting the poppers. And that's why I said, right. I have to run out of the room and tell my friend this, this happened. Cause it's basically the movie is like a, a thriller murder mystery too. Ooh. Okay.

A thriller murder mystery with sex. Yeah. It has everything. And the director was also, you know, stressed about the framing and the lighting so he was like

he was like no this over here and I'm just like frantically masturbating trying to like stay hard I'm on like seven Viagras

and it's still like not working so that that scene was hard and then the second time was just me and one guy

they ended up cutting a lot of that scene but he just had to eat my ass so that was I just had to like lay there and get my ass eaten that was fine that's nice and then the third one I get my dick sucked and I thought the guy was really cute and we had some good off-camera chemistry so I was able to get hard for that and that was easy I fully love how like non-shil you're like yeah that was hard to do there was a lot of things happening but like getting my dick sucked that was a treat so this is a still i want to show you it just don't describe it don't describe it to our core because the movie isn't out yet

but this is so this is when does it come out we have we hopefully this year do you see it in the in the chat oh okay here's what i'll say it looks like an indie it's got the indie lighting it's an indie imagine it was like full studio like it looked it looked like a fox mbc comedy if i nicole nicole if i can suck cock on an mbc comedy with full studio lighting i have made it like that is when like absolutely you have fucking made it that is just the funniest imagery just like bright poppy dick sucking you're like oh okay yeah that's where i hope we're going as a society, to be honest. Me too. Just turn on Channel fucking 4 and see someone sucking a dick.

I mean, yes. Yeah. Okay. I have a question for you. First, we got to take another break. Yes. And we're back okay jordan i feel like you're very confident i feel like you're very wonderful you get what you want you don't ask questions you just do um what should i do to like find a partner I'm actually like kind of surprised because I feel like you're the exact you're I feel like we're similar in that way like we're both confident people who

like ourselves who put ourselves forward in the world and are like have good hearts and put that out there too I think so it's to me I'm like just more so I want to hear more about why you think because I'm surprised maybe maybe it's that you're like to you're looking for too many things in a person so you're pushing people away because they don't have to check every box maybe I think it has a lot to do with I live in L.A. and I'm a fat black woman. And I think a lot of people live in a world of optics where they're like, what does this look like to other people? Whereas I'm just like, oh, I don't truly give a shit about like, I mean, yeah, I care what you look like. You have to be attractive to me.

But I can find a lot of attractiveness and a lot of different people I've said a lot of people are hot that friends are like girl and I'm like yeah but like their smile or the way they talk or whatever so I mean I don't want to like boil it down to like it's LA but I do think if I lived in like Wisconsin I'd be like I mean I think I think there think there's a lot. I first of all, I think there's there's people in L.A. that that are into a lot of things, too. And I just I feel like big is very coveted right now. Really? I mean, not to say it's like a fad, but I feel like. Yeah, I feel like guys love big girls.

I think they secretly like big girls, but I feel like guys love big girls. I think they secretly like big girls, but I feel like overtly they don't. Like, I got to go to Portland. Portland's where the chunkers get men. I shouldn't call fat people chunkers. Oh, my God. No, please, please. I think it's endearing.

That's the term endearment. Like, look at that little chunker over there. Little chunker. Yeah, I mean mean if someone called me a chunker I'd be like okay thank you so much yeah it's so weird I it's like yeah I mean I in a very uh yeah just like the weight thing is so weird because everyone does like something to hold on to but then it's like there's so much so many things i i agree it's culture that makes them feel like they can't do that or they'll be seen a certain way there's a really amazing

episode of um one of our favorite unproblematic king louis ck uh super unproblematic just really wonderful embrace with open arms so i what I'm saying is you should date him. No. But he, did you see that episode? It's called So Did the Fat Lady? No. Oh my God. It is fucking brilliant.

But basically like this amazing actress. Oh my God. I'm forgetting her name, but she is so, so good. She has this like eight minute monologue at the end of the episode because he's he like wants her and doesn't. It's the same thing you're talking about. And she's like, yeah, if I wanted to have sex, I'd get fucked every day. But like you men, like you can't you can't see me as a girlfriend. You can't see me as a wife.

And like you're allowed to be a fat fucking pig and be a husband. And like, we don't get that same thing back. It's an amazing episode. I know it's like hard to find that show now, but. Yeah, I was like, we're on earth. Does that story? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I remember being really, my mind was expanded during that episode because yeah, it's just just it is a thing um so I don't know I mean like I just feel I just feel like it's it's about like just finding the right guy and keep like just keep like being open to love and don't close yourself off to it because it's not happening in the way you want. I mean, I hate the corny thing of like, it always happens when you're looking for it the least, but every time, every time I have fallen for someone, it has been anytime I want it,

it doesn't happen. So, I mean, I, I think you're, you're to me, you're like, you have everything. You're beautiful. You're successful. You're funny. You're nice. And I'm sure, I'm sure you suck. Great dick. I'm sure you're fun. I'm very good at it.

The last person who's dick I sucked. I was like, did you like it? Honestly, that's maybe the best that I've ever had. Everyone, everyone in my room. It's standing ovation again.

There's a standing ovation happening in my room. I like it. Some women don't like it and I love it. I'm obsessed. Because it's like a little bit of a control thing. I'm controlling your pleasure right now. And I like that a lot. I literally just like the act of it.

Like it is a completely sensory thing for me. I'm like, I like a dick in my mouth like end of story yeah it's fun and then you get to feel what it like because they all feel different in your mouth yeah yeah and there's so if it also the rotting in the sun the movie it it there's not just the sex scenes there's also dicks there's that one critic counted 29. I think there's 31 because there's a dog dick and a statue of David. Honestly, that's the funniest fucking thing. A critic was like, I counted 29. You're like, I'm actually.

Yeah. You didn't count the dogs. There's 32 dicks. But watching the movie, you're like're like oh every dick is so different like there's there's no two dicks that look alike but i don't know nicole like it's i wish i wish i had some advice because i really like to me i it makes no sense like i feel like you should be you should be booed up if you want that for sure but I think I do I think it's

yeah it seems nice you feel like a girlfriend girl like you feel like thank you maybe it's the maybe it's the community

maybe you need to like just like broaden your scope cause if you're hanging out in the comedy community like it's just like nothing there's

why would you ever want to date anyone associated with that hell like I feel like would you ever want to date anyone associated with that hell? Like, I feel like if you just go to different kinds, different kinds of parties, I feel like also also. OK, this is actually real. This is real. OK, just just from what I know about you.

You correct me if I'm wrong. Workaholic. I do work a lot. Yeah. Well, you like to work. I do like working and i guess i could stand to like take a little bit of a break um yeah i'm not touring right now so like that was one thing because what would happen is i'd work all week and then leave on like a red eye on friday or

saturday morning yeah do stand up, fly back Sunday night or Monday. And then it's like, oh, I really just don't have time for even like friends. So I've taken a little break. Yeah. That's another thing I could think of. Like, I think the second you like put yourself in a not professional way in like not Hollywood world

and normal people world, like Pete, like you would catch one in a heartbeat or like, yeah, just some like some travel. Like, I mean, there's, there's so much romance for you out there, Nicole, I feel it. And so you just, you need to, you need to put some time out there for it. And you've, you've done, you've done so well for yourself professionally. So I think you owe yourself a chance to, to explore other avenues of your life. That would be my advice. I love that.

Thank you. I was at Sundance for one day. This year? Yes. So I had directed a short through a program, and they showed it at Sundance. And I had done a weekend of shows in Irvine Thursday Friday Saturday got home at 2 2 a.m. got on a plane at 7 a.m. slept on the plane for like the two hours

and then did press and the screening from 1 p.m. to about 10 30 at night and I was like oh no I feel terrible and then my agent was like come to this party and i was like i mean on one hand i should go because there will be single fucking people there who are successful because they're at sundance yeah and then on the other hand i was like i have to sleep i'm gonna die and then i ended up going to sleep and then when i flew back i was like i should have just gone to that fucking party. I might have met somebody. But that's like work taking me out of meeting somebody. There was work. Tell me.

You went to fun parties, didn't you? I mean, we had a really fun house party. It felt like college. I will say, I fed a very famous director so much coke that he had a panic attack and had to leave. So like to me. so much coke that he had a panic attack and had to leave so like to me we're not saying who it is um but I mean literally one of my agents was like they had a house and they were like yeah we had a house party it was a lot of fun I was like yeah so that's everyone's just having house parties and

having a good time and I'm just like exhausted great I don't know but for me for me I was like, yeah, everyone's just having house parties and having a good time. And I'm just like exhausted. Great. I don't know. But for me, for me, I'm like I'm envisioning it's like it's out of the industry. I don't know why I'm saying I'm seeing your life as a rom-com for some reason. But it's like it's it's giving doctor to me. It's like it's like I don't know. I feel like it's someone who's like obsessed with you and like enamored. I feel like you like a guy's like obsessed with you and like enamored. I feel like you like a guy who is obsessed with you, right? Oh, of course, because I'm a fucking dumb, dumb.

And I need him to like love how dumb I am sometimes. Yeah, I feel like it's going to be it's going to be someone not in this industry. And it's going to be someone who it just like finds you the best in every way and kind of can't understand a lot of the industry part of it but like makes a lot of money and and like cooks for you and that's what i'm seeing for you so but i feel like those people you know just don't end up in our world at all so just brought broaden the world a little, girl. I guess. I have two friends.

I'm not touring right now, but I have two friends who, like, met people while they were touring, and now they're, like, in long-distance relationships. And I'm like, but I did that for years. I toured for, like, a solid five years trying truly at every corner to find somebody, and nary did I find a single one.

Yeah. And you're on the apps and stuff? Girl, yes. I'm on all the apps. I'm on Tinder. OkCupa. OkCupa. OkCupid.

Raya. Bumble. I was on Field, but that was a little too intense for me. Oh, yeah. Are you on Field? You're not on any apps, are you? No, I'm on like Grindr and Scruff.

And there's this one. Have you heard of Sniffies? I think I heard of Sniffies. Sniffies is like a map that shows people where they are. It's just like a map of dicks and assholes. I like Sniffies. Sniffies is funny and oddly specific. On the episode with Manila Luz luzon we went and looked at sniffies

and truly it's just like i am looking for x y and z to come to my ford explorer and fuck me don't say hello only only speak with uh words without vowels and you're like what i think i I think I actually fucked that guy. Super hot. Gorgeous, actually. But I don't know. I think it's just it seems like also you've done this podcast enough to you've probably heard everybody say everything that's possible. So I don't know. Maybe it's just maybe it's just a waiting for the right moment vibe. Cause it,

to me, to me, it feels like you're doing everything right. But maybe it is about, about yeah. Why wanting it less and just being open to being like open more to the, the feeling of love and less about the like external, like I want a boyfriend or like I want someone like this,

just being like, I want to give my love to someone and like putting that vibe out. I do like that. I want to give my love to someone. Yeah. Also, I also am hearing from you that I need to start taking more walks. Yeah.

Because it seems they'll help in relationships and career stuff. Yeah. But it can't be. But I think you're right. I'm not prophesizing this person is living in L.A. Okay. I think he's going to move here for you,

but I'm giving you a full tarot card right now. Well, we have the king of swords. That is saying. I mean, I like it. This feels good. I like it a lot. Yeah. Wait, are you a Leo?

No, I have a lot of Leo placements. I'm a Cancer. Oh. But all my planets are Leo. Are you a Leo? Yeah, you're giving me. No, I'm a Virgo. But you're giving me such Leo vibes.

That's why you're a workaholic. Is it really? I don't know anything about horoscopes. I just know about Leos. I think Beyonce is a Virgo, right? She is, September 4th. So, I mean, have we ever met more of a workaholic than Beyonce? We sure haven't.

She had foot surgery and she wore little biscuit pumps. And she was performing in Dubai. Wait, why are we mad that she was performing in Dubai? Am I, I'm dumb. Cause I don't know. No, it's,

it's, I mean, it's so stupid because we've never gotten mad at someone going to Dubai until now, but like, obviously they're homophobic and like don't have gay marriage and hate gay people, but it's like people go to Dubai all the time and we don't get mad at them.

I want to go to Dubai, like gay and gay. I'm sorry, but like gay people go to Dubai. It's like, yeah, get mad at them. I want to go to Dubai. Gay people go to Dubai. It's like, yeah, you shouldn't really kiss on the street. Maybe I'm just the wrong person to talk about this, but I think it's so... People just want a reason to be mad at anyone for anything. Yeah, because

I wasn't sure. I was like, we're mad about this? What I'm mad about is she performed at an Atlantis. Have you seen Atlantis? Ew! But low-key, the production value? Insane. this what i'm mad about is she performed at an atlantis have you seen atlantis ew low key the production value insane like they they they ate that production design it looked good yeah like atlantis i've been to atlantis in bahamas and it's nasty but also i think it's like super super old yeah that's what i'm saying i'm like maybe we love atlantis now like if it's like a new atlantis like maybe it's maybe beyonce is like no atlantis is back baby yeah like y2k

style yeah y2k style is very back in so maybe atlantis is like part of the glow up that's so fucking funny okay i would i would take a free trip. I would also take a free trip. Are you kidding? I'll take a free trip truly to anywhere outside of the United States. I don't need to see more of this place. No, we're good. Did you know that Sundance is in Utah and nowhere close to Seattle? Did you know that?

I did. I did know that. How did everybody know this? It never gave Seattle for me. I thought Utah was right next to Seattle. I thought I was going north. And then I said something about being up north. And the lady who was like taking me to things was like, honey, where do you think you are?

You're perpendicular. You're like exactly perpendicular right now. Yeah. And I was like north. She was like, no, honey, do you want to look at a map real quick? And I was like, North. She was like, no, honey, do you want to look at a map real quick? And I was like, okay.

And I looked at the map and I was like, my mind is blown, ma'am. I had no idea that this is a lateral move from LA. It's really fun to look at maps.

Sometimes I will just go and be like, wait, like, Chechnya is there? Like, I had no idea. Like... Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't know

where anything is. Yeah. I don't know where Ireland is. I'm like, I don't know. And then when you finally see it, you're like, oh my God, I don't know where anything is. As for where Ireland is, I'm like, I don't know. And then when you finally see it, you're like, oh my God, of course that's where Ireland is. It couldn't be anywhere else. It was literally born to be there. Yeah, obviously that's where Ireland belongs. Okay, Jordan, we have reached the end.

I fucking adore you. You're the best. This is so fun. Is there anything you want to promote? I have a Netflix movie. I have a small part, but the cast is really cool. This movie called You People that comes out. It will have come out by the time we're on here.

So we'll know if it did well by the time this comes out. will have come out by the time we're on here so we'll know if it did well by the time this comes out or will we or will Netflix just go we'll never tell yeah but I feel like

the Netflix like life of something is like two weeks it's like that's gonna be the biggest thing in the world for two weeks

and then you will never and like the lead of it will get 25 million followers and 100,000 brand deals. And then it's over. And then it goes away. Yeah.

And then also Rotting in the Sun hopefully will be bought up by somebody. This year. And distributed. Yeah. Dave. I'm going to be on Dave this season. Oh, okay. I have a fun part on that.

Another thing that I, two other things i can't talk about and then and then just like whatever i want to hear what you talk about okay whatever well that's it for this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars my wonderful producer she reads them so she doesn't like dick pics i don't see them so don't send a dick pic thinking i'll see it okay this person i have one more thing to say i have one more thing to say what i want nicole i want you to tell your followers that if they're a gay person and they're gonna talk shit about me or Mateo or any

of your gay friends that you're not you you hate them for that and that you're not gonna let them be your fan anymore I co-sign that I will not let you be my fan I will come into your home and say x you aren't a fan anymore but yeah if you're a fan of mine there's no reason to be mean to jordan or mateo or any other gimmen that maybe you don't like also how about this if you don't like something just keep scrolling yeah just keep scrolling you don't have to say anything i like how to turn the comments off of this like my post for this for a minute because i was like i work hard on this podcast i like doing it i don't want to hear negative thoughts yeah end of story yeah okay so this person said nicole i will watch you pole dance for hours you would beg to take a break but i would say no finally i would throw you down on the athletic training mat nearby and let you rest

i would use the theragun on all your sore muscles. Finally, when you're super relaxed and say, I feel better, I would use the Theragun on your pussy. I would get you so close to cumming, then whoops, dang, forgot to charge the battery and it dies. This is the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me. You want me to work out? Batteries die.

Yeah, but if you're going to make me work out for so long, you should make sure that it works and I cum. So I don't even get to cum in this fantasy? Wow, wow, wow. What a mean, you're not a fan. X, X to you. Wait, but then does it, like, then he finishes you off himself, right?

It just says sorry. Ew. No. Isn't that mean? No, he is bad. This is a man. Bad, bad, bad. No, unfortunately.

Actually, I don't know. It is a feminine-leaning name, but I don't know how they identify. So they are not kind. Not kind. And not your fan anymore. Not my fan. Not my fan. X, goodbye. Not my fan.

X, X, X. Not my fan. I love that you just started, like, canceling fans. You're just like, every day you put a list of people who aren't your fans anymore. Goodbye. Get out. Goodbye. Okay, Jordan.

Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.