Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Having Tandem Sex (w/ Sasheer Zamata)

Episode Date: November 22, 2019

"When you and your friend fuck at the same time, just in different places". Best friend Sasheer Zamata (SNL, Corporate) shares the time her and Nicole tandem-fucked in Canada and why it was an awful experience for the both of them. Sasheer shares her first kiss story and the time she witnessed a coke bottle dick. Nicole's dog got stoned again. Also, an unfortunate update with Zach. Plus, a special Audience Q&A segment where Nicole roasts a listener, provides pick-up advice, and discuss their drag king names. Recorded live in Tempe! Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Hi! Wow! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Oh, boy! Thank you so much for coming out! Truly, what a treat, what a dream. Okay, so this is a live episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you presented me this bottle full of your own cum, I drink it. My guest today is a very special person in my life. She's been on corporate. She's been on SNL. She brushes her teeth in bed. It's so fucking weird. It's the Shears of Maida!

What a treat. What a treat. This is a nice crowd. Hot crowd. Right? So nice. So, okay. So, Shier, I keep thanking you for being here.

Because, okay, Sashier, I keep thanking you for being here. Because, okay, so I don't know if you listen to our other pod, or my other podcast with you. I have multiple podcasts. Not this one, the one with you. Our podcast, your other podcast. It's called Best Friends. Best Friends. Oh, okay. So those cheers indicate people know why i'm here in arizona quick recap if you don't know a nice gentleman Zach, he called in and he had the hottest voice I've ever heard for a man.

Hi, Nicole and Sashir. I'm Zach. I just want to tell you your show is one of the few pure things in the world. It's such a joy even when I'm not high. Your friendship is just incredible. So Zach called, very sexy voice. I slid out of my chair.

I couldn't handle it. He told me I never had to watch Star Wars. I was like, I'm wet. And then I was like, we have to talk to him. So then we talked to him. Zach? Hi. Hello, Zach.

How are you? I'm amazing. I mean, I don't know if I was amazing How are you? I'm amazing. I mean, I don't know if I was amazing earlier today, but I'm amazing now. And he, like, remained very elusive and attractive. And I was like... Yeah, we saw a picture of online. Hell yeah.

And he had a strong jawline. Yes. Bald, cute dog. Yes. Six foot. You could truly cut a steak on that jawline. Like he's so hot. Yeah.

And then lives here. And so I meet, oh, and I asked him if he would take me on a date. He said yes. Agreed. When are you coming to LA? Do you want to go on a date, Zach? Sure. Yeah.

What the hell? Sure, yeah. What the hell? And I'll tell you, I don't know another woman dedicated to dick as hard as I am. Because the minute we wrapped that episode,

I called my agent. I don't call him. I called him, and I said, Andrew, I have to do a show in Arizona. I'm trying to. It's funny because before that she was like, I have a million miles.

I could just bring him here. And I was like, no, no, no. We can find a reason to be in Arizona. You are very correct. Have a show, and then you go on a date, and then we'll talk about it. Yes, so he said he was going to take me to an olive garden, and I'm on board when you're here, you're family, and I was trying to get into his family.

His family, yeah. And so I set up the show, Everything is Great. And I was like, would you want to be on the podcast? And he said, sure. And I was like, this is everything. And then he canceled a couple days ago because it's not, it is his fault, but like, it's not,

because he's having like personal issues. And he did explain them to me, but that's his life and his business. So, I mean, I truly appreciate the ride that we went on, but I think we ran into a cul-de-sac. And I'm going to go right back to L.A. It was going to be a loop go where we came from from and then the amount of people who were so excited about this i was saying to you earlier it was like the world really wants me to find someone but like whatever force in the universe is like no but this is funny to me

i never want you to have anyone. And I guess it's fine. Okay. So, Sashir, you have known me for what? 52 years. Oh, okay. Yeah. 52 years.

Yeah. So, you've known me when I've, like, dated people, and you've known me when I haven't dated people. Yeah. Am I super annoying when I'm dating someone because I feel like I'm very annoying? No. Really? I mean, I'm only getting your perspective on it, so that's hard. But I don't think so. I feel like I tell you too much.

Like, there was one time... Oh, wait. Are you asking if you're annoying to the guy or if you're annoying to me? To you. No, I like that stuff. I want to hear the juice. Oh, okay. Yeah.

There was one time where I felt like you were annoyed with me. Which time? Well, okay, we can talk about it. So it was a pretty breezy mid-morning, and... I would say about 11. before noon hit sure because after noon o'clock it's the afternoon right why is it morning called before noon what what's the story so it's about 1145 because it's before noon I got that that part. Yes, I heard that. And I texted you.

I was like, oh my God. So I texted him and he didn't text me back and I think it's done. I think we're not dating anymore and I'm so sad and you texted back. What time did you text him?

And I was so angry because it was only a minute ago. And I can't remember your response or something's something like don't do this ever again i do remember that and i was annoyed because it's fun when i think i also explained it to you later i was like it's fun when it's like a recap of like i don't know i like the excited flirty feelings but then if it's like okay i texted this and then he said this and then he didn't respond to this and I'm like oh I don't need that I know

you're not here for a play-by-play director's cut of my relationships I mean yes and no you can be honest this is a safe space no I want to know what's going on it's just you will sometimes like get yourself in a tizzy yeah and in general not just with guys

so yeah I just need you to take a breath after and then you probably wouldn't text me then you probably wouldn't give me the recap because it wouldn't be really a recap you're correct my therapist Mary has also been like Nicole you have got to like just stop and then like sometimes I'll tell her a story about how I like paused before yelling at someone and then like sometimes I'll tell her a story about how I like paused before yelling at someone and I'll be like so I paused before I screamed at them and I thought about whether they deserved it or not and they did so I did it and Mary is like I'm so proud of the boss

I think she's a great therapist but sometimes when I say things out loud, I'm like, maybe she isn't helping me. She's like, enabling you just a little bit. Well, she deserved it. She was really annoying me. It was in the airport. I can't remember what she did. You always yell at people in the airport. Because nobody knows how to act in an airport.

But I'm becoming one of those people. Did I tell you this story? I like kicked my leg up in the air and passed out. This is on a plane? Yeah, this was last week. Oh, when you were like, about your shoes? You can tell them. So I was on a plane. I was going from New York to Boston and I was very hungover because I went out with a boy who I was like, are you hitting on me? But then I don't think he was. But then he sent me a dick pic.

And I still don't know. He said he had a weird dick. And then he sent it. And I responded. I was like, this is aggressively normal. And he like tee hee heed. And that was it. It was, I don't know.

I think we're friends. I don't know. It is strange're friends. I don't know. It is strange because you explain this to me and she was like, yeah, he sent it like as a joke, but I was like, this is a hard dick.

And I didn't even clock that. He got it hard for the bit? What? Well, he knows I'm dedicated to my jokes and I'll commit to a bit. I don't know. I don't know either.

We'll never know. So super hungover, the flight attendant said to me, he was like, hello. And I said, oh, hello. And then he said, would you like some? No, he was like, how are you? And I said, very hungover. And then he said, do you want something to drink? And I said, give me club soda.

And then he gave me club soda. And then he complimented the man across the aisle. this is like not even next to me he's like pretty far away so we're like this he compliments his shoes he was like oh I like your nikes where'd you get them from he was like the nikes store he's like in manhattan he was like yeah right in manhattan I went what about me don't leave me out of the compliments. And then promptly passed out. So I'm behaving poorly. Your response.

Yeah, I meant to tell you I kicked my leg across the aisle of a plane. That's funny. And demanded a compliment. I like that. And then I think before I passed out, he was like, your shoes are good too. What shoes were you wearing? Oh, my plane

shoes. The flames? No, the colorful ones, the rainbows. The like fluorescent rainbow-y ones. Have I seen these? You've seen them. They're fluorescent. They're like orange You've seen them. Hmm. They're fluorescent. They're like orange and yellow and black with a swoosh for the Nike.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Thank you. You said rainbow. What? You thought I was just walking around with fucking rainbows? You said fluorescent rainbow. And then you adjusted and said orange. And I know those shoes i'm sorry maybe i should have said ombre as opposed to a rainbow okay my bad it's all right

okay i was legit angry that you didn't know what these shoes were well i was actually scared i was like do i not pay attention? We're not normal. That shouldn't be a reaction to shoes. Yeah. And you'd be like, ah! And you'd be like, I don't know! Can I ask you about

the time we tandem fucked? I don't think we've ever talked about that. We definitely need to explain it now. I forget that I make up things and they're not real in the world. And tandem fucking sounds like we had a foursome. It does sound like that, yeah.

Where we just didn't trade off. No, so a tandem fuck is when you and your friend fuck at the same time, just in different places. So like a different hotel room, you're at your homes or whatever. So we were in Canada. Doing improv. You know, you gotta do improv for free. Yeah.

I don't think we got paid. I don't... And we never asked. Maybe we got paid a little bit. We never finished a show and was like, where's the check? We didn't expect one. No, we was like where's the check we didn't expect one no we were like look at what we made up it's not tangible and neither is the money you're giving

us so we're like here's some improv bucks and we were like oh it's heavy whoa it's falling on the floor. So you, did you want to go home with him? No, this was a period of time. This is when we were in a moment where you would heavily suggest I go hook up with people. Like I was your little sex robot. You'd be like, go hook up with him. And I'd be like, okay, yeah.

I would do it. And then wake up and be like why did i do that i can say no um no i he was cute and i think i was like it'd be fine but i wasn't like dying to do it but you were like yeah go hook up with him and i was like all right then i don't even know if i knew you were going to go hook up with somebody but no because this was a pre-planned hookup. Did I ever tell you that? No. Oh, yes, you did. You did.

You did. Yeah. So, okay. You guys don't know. So I met him in Atlanta at another improv thing. And he was like, I'm married. And I was like, peace out. And he was like, but we fuck other people.

And I said, what's up? And he was like, when we're away from home we can play and I was like oh okay and he's like are you gonna be at the whatever improv festival in Canada and I was like yes and he's like I'll be there too and I was like okay so then I found him on like the dance floor or something and he was like I'm here you're here and I was like let's do it and then I was like go fuck that dude so we could tandem fuck and I was like I'm confused but okay that I don't think I explained to you in the moment no you did like it did feel like a movie where you're like go tandem fuck bye-bye and I was like being whisked away like what what is that

and then I was finger fucked raw it was so so bad. It was like the driest experience I had. And frantic. It was like a bat was down there. It was so, so awful. Yeah, but I'm so glad you did it. Because what a beautiful,

visceral description i was like ah none of this is great and then we didn't have sex and i can't i feel like there was a reason but i can't remember like there was a girl or something he's like oh i can't go all the way because there might you know i might be in love with another girl. And I'm like, well, then this is bad. Like, then this can't happen either. Well, while you were getting dry finger fucked, I had great sex where we broke a headboard, but he didn't have condoms, so I made him go down to the, like, CBS or whatever

to get condoms. And he came back and he was eating a Snickers. And... I didn't think twice about it, you know. Hungry, why wait? When you're hungry, you gotta eat. You gotta eat. But then I woke up the next morning and I went to the bathroom and I was like, what is falling out of me? And I was like, what are these hard little things falling out of me? Webd was like bitch you dead like there was no

disintegrating from the inside out there was no answers and then uh i like had a flashback like in a movie i was like the snickers and then i like broke it and I was like, there's a peanut. This man left peanuts in my pussy. I mean, thank God I wasn't one of those people on an airplane allergic to peanuts. Or just one in life. Specifically on the airplane. I have this thing where when I'm on planes,'m allergic to peanuts but it's fine anywhere else. I realized how dumb that sounded

after I said it. But if you went on the plane without taking a shower you might have given someone an allergic reaction on the next to you. You think?

I don't know. Sometimes if they're just like in the air people get allergic. How do you think I ride planes? Well you were kicking your leg the other day. You get a dent like that, someone's like, oh no.

Imagine, I said, where's my compliment? And then things started shooting out of my pussy. And then someone had an allergic reaction. I had the penis shoots out of my pussy and then a man swells up and dies. And then I save him somehow because I have an EpiPen because my purse is filled with random shit.

And then he like, we get married. That's going to be my meet cue. Nice. What an intense meet cue. I mean, it would be pretty on brand and I don't think anyone would question it. They would say, yeah, can I read you an awful review someone wrote

of my show? This show? Uh-huh, this one right here. I like Nicole. She's a total Oreo. Isn't that so rude? I didn't like that. If you don't know, it's black on the outside, white on the inside.

Yeah, they're implying that I sound like a white woman. Wendy Williams told you that, too. No, she said I sounded hoity-toity. And then today I had an interview where they said, did you craft the way you speak? And I didn't realize I spoke strangely until people started imitating me yeah like John Milhiser my roommate that I live with John Milhiser he will do an impression of

me and I'm like I don't sound like that and he's like you don't sound like what and I was like I didn't realize I also didn't realize I say my dog's name weird your dog like Clyde? Yes. Apparently when I call him, I go, Clyde-da. Clyde? Yes.

And I didn't know that. Like you're calling a butler? Kind of. He is my little butler. He brings me joy. So that, that's cute. I do fucking love him.

Oh my God. He ate weed once and I thought he was dying and I almost I lost my mind it was really dramatic like Clyde was like wet and like shaking and Nicole was fully bawling just like my baby I don't I never have he's my first dog I've never seen a dog eat weed he wasn't eating treats and he loves a treat

didn't you say he like walked backwards and peed or something he was like on two high legs like like a zombie yeah

that's how I found him in the kitchen he was on his high legs walking backwards like sputtering pee. And I was like, this isn't right. Oh, that poor dog.

This isn't okay. That poor dog. So then I was like, surely he must want to walk because I was like, he's up on his hind legs. I don't know. He's walking like that

so maybe he wants an outdoor walk. So then I took him outside and he was like, what's a tree? Like, he was so confused by trees. My other dog, Charlie, he was like, I don't know what that is. And then he was scared of me. He kept jumping when he saw me, and I was like, it's your mother! And, like, that's what I was saying to him, like, on the street.

Like, I'm sure people were like, I don't't know our neighbor in the yellow house has lost her mind uh so then I put him in the shower and he was like wet and then I gave him a treat and then he held it in his mouth and then he like got out of the shower also I got in the shower with him but I wasn't naked I didn't I was just so frazzled I was like in leggings and a bra being like be better that's like um like in movies where like someone ods and they're like bring him in the shower and they're like please and it's like really dramatic that was me with my nine pound dog and then i took him to the vet and within minutes they were like he's stoned take him home and then i had to pay 500 or no 50 or 60 that's different

that's way different than 500 oh my god i hope they didn't charge 500 for them to be like he's stone go home no it was way cheaper back to this bad review i keep wondering if her main question why won't you date me is meant to be rhetorical she obviously knows why she's single she's i love reading negative things to all my friends she obviously knows why she's single she's black fat loud uh and unfortunately prefers to date white men i don't feel like i think i've only said that as a joke. It's not like my preference. I just did a lot of improv. I mean. Yeah, that's like the main component of improv is white men.

Yes. And if I were to chase a black man doing improv, he'd be like, can you move away? There's a white woman behind you. He'd tag you out. I asked them out they sweep the scene um that was very inside baseball okay white men are never going to really be interested I listen closely to the guests and they're mostly insincere uh when Will Hines oh my friend will ask if nicole were more open-minded whom she dated he was communicating uh as much as a pc person could say the only person that might be

interested was a black guest warren that's a lot to assume it is a lot to assume and then i was like you didn't listen to the warren episode we matched on a dating app and then he mentioned it during an audition and i was, that already is very strange. And I love Warren. I think he's a really sweet guy, but this man thinks I was not nice to him. And then he said that there was a shift in my tone. And then, otherwise, I enjoy the raunchy talking

inside into the comedy world. Other than that, let me dissect how her whole being and her whole dating history better than that she cool yeah that's like you're a piece of shit but i like your shoes yeah and then i was like i feel like i've talked about all that like i know that i'm someone like i'm a certain flavor you know yeah I'm not a shortbread cookie. That's for any old person. Okay. I'm one of those cookies, like, those garbage cookies with, like, pretzel and, like, snickerdoodle and chocolate chip and, like, nuts and shit.

And you're like, what is it? Uh-huh. But then you taste it and you're like, okay. Yeah. I'm one of those cookies, and I it and i'm okay with that so to that person who's probably listening fuck yeah oh no no no keep listening keep listening well seems like they're going to every stream counts keep listening did i tell you about the lady who was mean to me in my DMs I promise we'll talk about relationships

soon uh this lady in my DMs she no not on my DMs like on my fucking Instagram page she created a whole Instagram account there's no post nothing just to say mean things to me but she's a real wordsmith so she was like you need to do cardio and i was like what's cardio and then she was like you need to look it up so then i was like oh i googled cardio and uh now i know what it is what kind of you think i should do and she's like i'm really proud that you dusted the dorito dust off your black cockroach like fingers and i'll never forget that wording. Because how funny. Black cockroach-like fingers? Also, like, that each of your fingers look like a cockroach. And you have cockroaches typing across the keyboard.

Yeah, just fat little cockroaches being like, what's cardio? And I just thought that was so creative. And then I was like, should I tell her that she should do creative writing? Girl, stop being a troll and get to writing. Like, start a blog, write some short stories. I'll read them.

I'm into, like, and she's very eloquent with the way she writes. But, like, I didn't want to say all that because I was like, then I seem crazy. That is a nice way

to spin it, though. Some people don't realize how awful they're being until someone comes back with, that because i was like then i seem crazy that is a nice way to spin it though some people don't realize how awful they're being until someone comes back with i think if you call someone's fingers cockroach like i think you know you're being awful but i think if you come back with a like uh response that's not anger they're, oh, that was not what I was expecting. Maybe I was being crazy. Maybe they won't. Maybe they'll still be crazy. But it's worth a try.

Maybe. There was like a Twitter conversation between Sarah Silverman and some random person who was saying awful things about her. And then she was like, I read your your other tweets on your profile and it seems like you're hurting are you okay and he's like actually

i'm not okay my back's been in pain i got an injury a while ago and then he like went into this whole thing about how he was actually like she hooked him up with somebody to help yes back pain yeah she's like is anyone in whatever town he lives in like a medical professional I can help him out? And then someone like helped him out and I was like, way to turn that around. That does,

that's more time that I want to invest in somebody but that's cool. That's because we're still hustling. When we get to that level we can just help trolls.

She's like collecting residuals. She's like, what's going on on Twitter? Who can I save? I have a question. Yeah. What's the weirdest dick you've ever seen? Because I can answer that question for you.

I would love for you to answer that question for me. I want to know what your answer is first. No, I want to know what your answer is. No, come on, I asked. What did you say? I said I asked. Oh, okay. I want to know what your answer is. No, come on, I asked. What did you say? I said I asked. Oh, okay. I thought you said

come in my house. Come in my house. Come on, girl. Get in here. Hmm. I mean, I don't know if it was, I was with a Coke bottle dick

and it's not really weird. It was just like wide and girthy. What's the weirdest dick you think I saw? During that movie where you saw an uncircumcised dick and you leaned over and went, what's that? I had never seen one. I don't think I've laughed harder

during a pretty serious section of a movie. I was like, what is that? And she's like, a dick. And I was like, yeah, I know, but what's the thing? What's happening on the top of it? I was like, foreskin. And you went, that's what foreskin is?

Oh man, it made me laugh so hard. I guess I'd only met with circumcised men. Oh, fair. I was with an uncircumcised dick for a very long time. Yeah. I liked it. I miss it. Also, that wasn't like a relationship.

Don't get it twisted. It was just one of those on and off and off and off and on and off. Are you talking about the hood? No, not just foreskin. On and off and on and on and on and off. If you're listening, podcasting is an audio medium. So she was jerking off an imaginary dick with foreskin. Object work.

Object work. What we've learned in improv. Yes, we love improv. We did see this wild documentary about circumcision. Have you talked about this on the show? Maybe. Probably right when I saw it. Because I was like, why are we circumcising anybody?

Yeah. It's crazy. It's really brutal i think we figured out why men tend to be a little bit more aggressive yeah you're going through sexual trauma immediately yeah you leave this beautiful warm dark place into a very bright room where you're they clamp you down they strap you down and cut your dick off and then send you out into the world. And they don't, for the longest, they weren't even giving babies any pain medication

because they were like, babies can't feel pain. It's because they were- It was still like the 80s or something. Yeah, it was because babies would start, they would start screaming and then they would stop. And that means they're not in pain. It just meant they were in shock. They were experiencing so much

pain they couldn't function anymore and they just was like comatose what a turn this is go live your life hope you don't abuse anybody and they're like i will my dick is gone and then there's a whole subset of men who tie weights to their fore trying to reclaim their foreskin yeah reclaiming their foreskin. Trying to reclaim their foreskin. Yeah, reclaiming their foreskin. It's very interesting. Oh, no. What? I spilled a little rosé on my white pants. Maybe you shouldn't wear white pants.

I just, I like them. She already spilled dinner on them. Okay, has anyone here been to the fucking prickly peach pear fucking cafe? Why the fuck in a BLT is it crumbled bacon they don't know they don't work there maybe someone does maybe the owner of the pear cafe is here show yourself are you here mr pear i don't get it the bacon crumbles just fell right out of my sandwich and then i look like a fool shoving them back between the bread it it seems like bacon's like your biggest gripe with meals well i don't understand why people can't just serve me reasonable servings of bacon yeah if

you order a blt how do you think the bacon's gonna come in slab form yes not crumbled no it's a sandwich it's a sandwich it'd be one thing if it were a pita it can't fall out yeah yeah the sandwich it's open on all sides i don't know why you're not as angry as I am I was positively furious you really were but did when you were eating the sandwich I wasn't watching you intently

when you were eating the sandwich was the were the bacon crumbles falling out yes and I'd catch them in my hair or in my hand and then I'd shove them back in the bread because that's how I wanted to eat it bacon and bread

yeah not bread with slight baked crumbs and then eat crumbles of bacon with my nails. It was horrific, okay? I'm sorry. My worst nightmare. Sashir. Nicole.

Do you remember your first kiss? I don't think I know this about you. I do remember. Maybe I feel like I would have told you I've told it on stage before so on stage like in storytelling shows and stuff oh because it's a story okay I was 17 this is my between my junior and senior year during the summer and my best friend from show choir was like I we were just talking i was saying something like i've never been kissed before and she was like you've never been kissed

we have to fix this and i was like all right she like came in like olivia pope like we're gonna change this around so she called the guy she was talking to at the time and he brought a friend and they came to her house and we're like all hanging out watching a movie and then she's like, gotta go. And like took her man to a closet. I don't know. They like, we were in high school. It was like a labyrinth of little pockets of where you can make out. So they went

to some pocket and I was sitting with this guy and he's like, heard you've never been kissed. And I was like, I haven't. And then I kept watching the movie. We finished the whole movie and I was like, well, bye bye. And then I went home and then my friend called me and was like, you loser.

That was the plan. You have to come back tomorrow and we had to do it again so i went back the next day in my cutest polo shirt and she goes oh no and she like unbuttoned all of them so i i can get some cleave out there my god God, she's like a madam. Yeah. She sprayed me with Bath and Body Works. Wait, really? Yeah. Yeah, she's a fucking madam.

She's like, come to the house, I'll get you kissed. And it was so bright. It was broad daylight. I don't know where her parents were. And then she went away again with her man. I was in the living room.

There was no TV to distract us this time. And he's like, so do you want to kiss? And I was like, yeah. And then we kissed, and it felt like an eternity had passed. I'm sure it was, like, so short. And he stuck his tongue in my mouth, and yes that is what I felt like it was like wet and warm you know a tongue it was which is normally fine but this had never happened to me before and I was like and I truly froze so he's like rolling his tongue around a dead mouth and

I'm just like. And then he pulled back and he's like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, man, I'm good. And he's like, are you sure? And then he points at my boob and my heart is beating so hard that my boob is like pulsating out of my shirt. Are you sure you're okay? I was like, yeah, man, I'm fine. And then he's like, do you want to do it again?

And I'm like, no. And and then he him and his friend leave he's talking to my friend outside and she's like seeing them off and she comes back inside and she goes yeah Joss said that you you like had a seizure and I was like I didn. I tried my hardest. And then she's like, man. And then she called one of our other friends, and they were, like, gabbing about it. And she was like, I just feel so bad for Josh.

And I was like, what about me? I was on the other end of that. And then he also worked at the grocery store that my mom always went to. So we would, like, go to the grocery grocery store and he'd be bagging our groceries. And I'm like, oh my God, go get out of here. I have heard that story. Yeah.

And it's always very funny. It's so funny. Also, I feel bad for Josh. Imagine kissing someone. Their mouth is dead You're like Maybe if I keep going this will get better And it doesn't And then you pull back

And their body is moving And they're seated And they're just saying Yeah I'm fine I'd be like I killed this girl Yeah that makes sense I just wasn't ready but I also don't know when I would have been ready I feel like first kisses are always really hard I think even now as an adult because you're like oh I want to kiss you yeah and then you start

doing it and you're like I don't think you're good at this or you're like I don't think I'm good at this because you're just you're new to each other's faces yeah really and you just don't know what they like or it's hard you're trying to impress somebody but you're like I don't know what to do to kiss better and I have a tiny tongue so I have to the way you said yes yes it's so it's like comically tiny it's so tiny it's like extended the max it can go it's not even passing you're like okay there you go we had to try so hard it kind of hurt yeah you stretch every muscle in your throat to do that it wasn't fun uh so i like really have to get up into people and like no matter what their ethnicity is there's brown makeup all over them and a couple times they've been worried like they've gone to the bathroom i've heard a, what? Am I dying?

Am I sick? What's happening? So now I try to like remember that it gets everywhere. So like before they go to the bathroom, I'm like, my makeup's all over you. You're mine. I like to mark them. I was dating a guy

who had white sheets all the time. Which is insane. It's like a psychopath move. You're asking for stains all over your fucking sheets. Yeah. Does anyone here have white sheets?

Really? And you're not scared? The man who Really? And you're not scared? The man who clapped, you're not scared of stains? Are you healthy and don't eat in bed? Okay. I'm crunching sometimes in bed. Yeah. I try hard to reserve that for hotels,

but sometimes I'll be in my bed, and last night I ate a Nature Valley bar in my bed. Big mistake. Oh my God. That's like nothing but crumbs. It's true. It's made of crumbs. I know.

And then I opened it when I was laying down. So I like opened it and then crumbs got into like my neck. So then I was just like trying to get them out of my neck, but also trying to eat the crumbs. And then I was like, this isn't shameful. It's Nature Valley. It's kind of healthy. And then as I fell asleep, I would

roll over and be like, there's another crumb. So like sleep eating? Yep. I'm pretty sure there's still tons of crumbs in my bed. Yeah, probably. I'm sure Clyde is having the time of his life. He's like, mommy left a scavenger hunt. It was very, I'm very upset about it. Yeah.

Oh, but so I, the guy I was dating, he had, so he had white sheets. Yes. And I would get my makeup all over all the time. And then one day I came back to his place and he had brown sheets. Which is so specific. It's not like blue sheets or like gray sheets. He went to bed, bath, and beyond

and was like, my girlfriend's black. This is her face. I need this skin tone to match and I asked too I was like did you get brown sheets because I was getting my brown makeup on your sheets he's like no I just like the color brown I was like you fucking freak no you don't no one's favorite color is brown you're right. Anytime I see someone driving a brown car,

I'm like, what's wrong with you? No offense if you drive a brown car. Also, what are you doing? Yeah, it's just like a poop mobile. Like, why brown? It's not for me. They shouldn't have cars that come in brown. Because if I can't get like a purple car they

don't make purple cars they'll make like a like a burgundy burgundy or like a grape yeah i want like a bright fucking purple yeah you know and i don't want to pay to have it detailed i want it to come from the lot yeah so wait so is what you're trying to say is if they don't make purple cars they shouldn't be making brown cars? No, no. Why are they making brown cars? Why not make fun colored cars? Why aren't there like more pink cars on the road?

Or rainbow. Or yeah, or ombre. Yeah. Look at your hand. Why aren't there? Well, I was presenting my case to you. you yes this little teapot has something to say but when i get my motorcycle i'm gonna get that detailed i want have i told you what i want i want glitter purple leopard print i want people

to see me zoom zooming down the street and be like i have to stay away from her you know yeah and then i'll never get into an accident people will be swerving away from me yeah she's unstable are you worried though if you park it people will be like well that's gotta be nicole's bike yeah and then what happens they steal your bike who them the people i don't think that person who commented and said you're horrible you have roach fingers she might just scratch the word roach on the side of your beautiful purple bike that would mean that would make me so sad but you have to know how to ride a motorcycle to steal a motorcycle yeah yeah like how many people in here know how to ride a motorcycle very fucking few people and are you thieves oh wow that's good

imagine if someone's like hell yeah hell yeah i'm part of a motorcycle gang where we fucking rob people all right right into your window i don't know why it had to be a man it had to be would you like more champies yeah i feel pretty opulent right now you have to help me okay thank you i podcasting is audio so people listening i asked to year if she wanted more and she just sat there and there's a big old bucket between us. Do you remember, okay I don't think I've ever asked you this.

Do you like your titties being sucked on? I don't know if you've asked me that. I don't think I have. Yes and no. Yes I do like the sensation. I don't want you to stay there oh like i need you to move around a bit you know you could you start there you could be there for a minute but then you got more action has to happen how long is too long and you know i've never timed it um will you with your boyfriend yeah yeah I'll have a timer by the bed

and be like alright go babe time's a ticket and he has no idea what I'm timing he's like stressed out we're two very similar people I'm sure he would immediately be like titty timer he probably would

no questions asked he'd be like all right i'm on the clock what time uh we he so i was on the bed he was standing uh at the edge of the bed fucking me and uh but how i was my back was my back was on the bed. And then your butt was up? Legs off the side of the bed, but like in the air. So, okay, this is the edge of the bed. Was the bed up high? Was this a high bed? My bed's high, yeah.

My bed's high. So my back's on the bed. Was your butt on the bed? My butt's on the bed, like on the corner edge. And then my legs are here. He's standing here. Yes. And then...

Do you get... Yeah. Okay. Thank you. It's okay. Again, podcasting is an audio medium. So Shira used her two hands to show me how she fucked. And honestly,

pretty helpful. Thank you. Because I was telling Sashira about fucking this dude and I was like, he kept throwing my legs up in the air and I was like, what is this? A porn? So I kept putting my legs down. And Sashira was like, you can have sex with your legs up.

And I was like, no, that's just for porn. And she was like, you can have sex with your legs up. And I was like, no, that's just for porn. She was like, she goes, what do you think porn is if not sex between two people? And my whole world was done. I was like, that's a lot of, just put them down. And now you've been doing it and you like it. Hell yeah. Yeah. For so long, too much information, but I've been doing a lot of doggy style.

And I like doggy style because it's limited eye contact. But now, now if you fuck me, I'm a look in your soul. Yeah. And that's me getting in touch with my vulnerability. Yeah. I love it. Mary was like, look at that. Okay, so you my vulnerability. Yeah. I love it. Mary was like, look at them. Okay, so you were on a bed.

On a bed. He's standing. And then he didn't tell me what he was doing or what he was going for. But he took one of my legs and then, like, tried to flip me around while his dick was still inside. He was trying to make you a spinner. Yeah. But I didn't know this is what we were doing i was like where am i going and he just like turned me like a like a captain's steering wheel on a ship oh my god i almost passed away oh god i almost choked on my hip

it didn't stay in the whole time because we didn't communicate this was the goal. And then I just started laughing. I was like, what a crazy thing. And then we finished. And then, like, maybe a couple of days later, I was walking down the street thinking about that. And I was like, man, that was funny. And I texted him. I was like, wasn't it so funny when you spun me around and like tried to keep your dick inside me?

And he goes, funny. He's like, funny, haha. And I was like, yeah, man, it was hilarious. And he's like, okay. And I was like, oh, wait. That, that, were we not on the same page that this was really funny? Did you ever get to the bottom of it? Did he think it was actually funny or no?

I don't, I asked him again, I don't know, because he was just like, yeah, I'm glad you thought it was funny. And then he never tried it again. Why don't you, without laughing, ask him to try it again yeah and be like we both know the mechanics of what you're trying to do let's see if we can achieve that now that i'm on board let's try it you can't just be spinning me around and i never knew what the goal was. Maybe I should date someone bigger and stronger than me.

It's fun. So they can throw me around. Because I was dating this dude, that bad man. And this one time he was like trying to throw me. And I looked at him and I said, you can't do that. But also no one wants to hear that during sex. What, you can't do that? Yeah.

He just fundamentally couldn't do that. He was not strong enough. Yeah. To do that. But you could have played along and been like. No. No. You're not nice enough to me for me to play along.

He wasn't. No. He wasn't. He was lucky that I'd fuck him as many times as I did. Very true. I left many a din lucky that i'd fuck him as many times as i did very true i left many dinners with friends to fuck him yeah you ever do that be it yeah she's like yes and i will continue to do that i've been at like a nice fun time with friends who love you and treat you nicely and you get a text message and you go,

I have to go! And then you drive home at 70 miles an hour in a 35, pull into your parking space in your garage, go upstairs, shave your pussy,

the most haphazardly, but enough that it's passable, and then spray on perfume and then go to his house and breathe for a little bit so you don't seem out of breath from rushing around. And then he comes real quick and then goes, see you later. And you go, yep, I will go home. And then you're like, I could have spent more time with the people who love me.

And then you stay awake all night long thinking about the bad mistake you just made. But then you were like, at least I got some dick and that was good. But you're like, well, what is dick if it's not attached with love? And then you start a podcast and you... I mean, honestly, that was the chain of events. But you've never done that?

Like, just left all of your friends? Yeah, I've done that entire thing. Yeah, the exact same thing. I've done that. Probably. I can't. But you're pretty good at, like, sussing out good dudes. You've never, like, in the time I've known you,

you've never dated a person who was, like, mean to you. If anything, you've dated people who loved you a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I've definitely been with fuckboys, but they weren't dating me because they wouldn't. They're fuckboys. But yeah, I think I am good at being like, oh, you're not worth my time. And I love my friends. So I feel like if it was someone who was like being shitty,

then I'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow. Not today. I'll still see you. But not air up my friend hang for you. I'm learning how to say I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah. Because sometimes I'm like, what if he doesn't call tomorrow? And then I don't fuck

um but then that's how they think of you then they'll be like oh she'll just come at come at my beck and call instead of like she'll be reasonable and see me tomorrow oh god i'm trying so hard to be reasonable yeah and it's maybe the most exhausting thing i've ever tried to do uh because it's more it's easier to just be like rash and be like, I don't know this. Have I explained this new vibrator I got? Speaking of like Is it one that sucks? No, that's a... Oh, it sucks

and then it vibes. You guys. Okay, I've been on a tear talking about this. The episode that comes out on Friday, I think I talk about it. But it's called, I think it's Linda's Dog is the Company. Oh, no. Which sounds insane.

It sounds like it's based off of Linda's dog who ate her out in her home. You know, there's always that rumor. There's a rumor at my school that was like rumor in every school that some people put peanut butter on their pussy and the dog ate them out but like who starts that rumor i don't know but it's like evergreen yeah right you guys heard that in school right yeah yeah it's so linda was that girl in her school i guess so and she was like jokes on you i'm starting a sex toy company. But yeah, it sucks your clit like this other thing I have called a womanizer.

But then there's a G-spot thing that also fucking vibrates. And if you don't know what is vibrating, you hit the buttons too many times and then you fall out of bed. I was thinking that you read all the reviews and they're like, this took my soul out of my body? Yes. Yes, and I'm like spreading the good word. Like, the reviews hype it up in a way where you're like, this won't be good. But...

It is the most incredible piece of machinery I've ever had inside of me. It is so fucking delightful. And then the other day I was driving home from getting my nails done, and I was like, well, I guess if I never have sex with a human being again, that's okay.

And then I was like, wait, no. No, you want a connection. You're like in your own version of her. I just need the toy nothing else i gotta run home to that toy and the toy's like talking to somebody else i kind of like in my version the toy doesn't talk you know and i'm just talking to linda's dog and i'm like i love you so much oh what did you say you don't masturbate wait do you i don't know we've never talked about that no i do masturbate do you yeah do you use sex toys not often just your fingies mostly Mostly my fingies. Yeah. But sometimes, like, vibrating toys. Yeah.

How many vibrators do you have? I have two. Oh. But I don't really use them. I had one that was, like, some sort of G-spot thing. But it was a lot of work. I felt like I was like cranking up a a car or something I just I felt like it's like a lot of effort on my part I was like I don't

want to do this and then I got this as a swag thing I got a uh it's a necklace that vibrates so you could like potentially wear it and be like what what a cool necklace, right? And then go to the bathroom and, like, fucking blast off. But... But why would I want to do that? I could just go home. Like a true blue sociopath. Touch it. You like it? Touch it. It's nice, right?

Touch it. Do you like my new necklace? Do you like it? And you're in the bathroom, you're like, everybody fucking touch my pussy! It also had a clear button on it, so people would be like, what's the button for?

That's very funny. Maybe I'll send you Linda's dog. Yeah, please. I want to try. I have your address. I'll send it. Thank you. Also, we see each other so often, you could just hand it to me.

I don't want to. Okay. I want to send it to you. You sent me some weed lube one time. I did? Yeah, because you were living here in California. Or not here. We were living in California.

I was living in New York where weed wasn't barely legal as it is right now. And I wanted to try it. And meh just maybe it was just brand i don't know but we i like put in my mouth put on my pussy put on his dick we put it everywhere and it was still kind of like it's wet how long did you wait um i don't know spritz spritz spritz lay. You got to wait a little bit so it gets up in you. And then you fuck. And then you have the most restful night of sleep of your life. It's like CBD oil.

It's not going to get you high. Right. It just gets you a little relaxed. I feel like even after we used it, I still didn't feel anything. It wasn't like, oh, we fucked too soon. And then now I'm feeling it. I never really felt it. Then you need something stronger.

I'll get you some poppers. Great. Wait, is this? You said great. What is that? No, I thought that was like for your asshole. No, no. No, poppers, it's like a little thing that you sniff,

and then it gives you euphoria for literally 30 seconds. What? But if you, like, sniff it, this is terrible. If you sniff it, like, during sex, it makes, like, if you do it right before you cum, it makes your cum, like, ooh. What? It's fun. But also it, like, loosens up your shit.

So, like, you've heard it's for anal. Yeah. So, like, you sniff it, and then you're like, It loosens. Yeah. So like you sniff and then you're like. You're lucid. Yeah. And that's the sound my butt makes when it's taking a dick. It's like you're like coming back to your car.

Ready to go. Was that my car or Nicole's asshole? Either way, something's open. Ha! That was very good. Oh boy, that was very funny. What do you think I need to do to get someone to love me? I mean, it's hard because like like you're doing really good and like i've been there for this whole process yeah we were just talking about the day that i fell because i was too drunk in my tub

and split my chin open yeah i don't do that anymore yeah she's better um and you're really trying and honestly the last few things that you've had it hasn't been you no it hasn't so i mean yeah i guess keep doing what you're doing i don't know i don't know if i have any like things you need to work on change, because you're already working on yourself, but also the caliber of men or women that you're with needs to improve. So I guess choose better? Does that make sense? Yes. Also, very funny.

My advice to you is choose better. Yeah, because you're good. You just need the other person to be good. And some of these people are bad. Some are trash. Yeah. So. But it's so hard.

LA is filled with dumpster people. This is true. It's hard. And I tried to import someone, but he didn't show up. Yeah. I like to do a question and answer period at my live shows. So, and I just did a live show

in Boston, so now I'm going to put a little disclaimer before I start it. I am a human being a person with feelings uh anything you wouldn't ask your closest friend please don't ask me for an example a lady in Boston asked me how I shaved my pussy I said not well that's a great answer then she went no tell me how she's like show us yes yeah show that bus yeah and then three separate people asked me to join a threesome with them uh which is insane i don't know a single person who'd be like, ah, I was waiting for that. Thank God these strangers in the dark

asked me for a threesome. Don't ask her about her roach fingers. She's very sensitive. My little roachy fingies. So you stand over there. And I'm going to stand over here. And if you have a question, you can come I don't know, somewhere near me.

Okay, yeah. Come this way. I see a hand. Come over here. Come here. Yeah, you can come, I don't know, somewhere near me. Okay, yeah. Come this way. I see a hand. Come over here. Come here. Yeah. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come. Yeah.

Okay. And I'll hold the mic. What's up? Nicole, why are you shaving and not waxing? Waxing my pussy? Yes. Didn't we just talk about this? Did we?

Yes. I said I didn't want to answer questions like that. But I don't wax it because it seems like it would hurt. And I've done it once and it was on camera. You can watch it on YouTube. I did it on Girl Code. I really got hoodwinked.

Would you go on 90 Day Fiance? No, I wouldn't go on 90 day fiance because everyone is fucking crazy on that show and i feel like i then would turn crazy you know yeah yeah okay hi hi okay first of all such a treat to have both of you here i'm so excited second of all i have a piece of art that i made can Can I give it to you? Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Explain it for the listeners.

I will. Yes, podcasting is an audio medium. It is a picture of me laying on a big pink dildo that is like blasting off with flames with Guy Fieri. It is truly the most perfect picture. Ooh, you're wearing flames. She is? Hell yeah. I love it.

I've been a fan since you were on Girl Code. Thank you. So, like, I'm 19. That's kind of crazy. You're 19? Yeah. Ha. My question is, if you do see Zach, would you take him to Burbank to the Guy Fieri restaurant?

I don't know. C-Zach, would you take him to Burbank to the Guy Fieri restaurant? Um... I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, any person who would agree with me or agree to go to an airport on a date, I'll take you. It was a... I'll tell you something. It was a wild date. It was very funny.

I had pre-check. He didn't. So then I was like... And then I was like, I won't't leave you behind and also we were wearing head to toe flames it was stupid uh but yeah i would take him hi hi hi hi hi i just had a quick question my roommate thinks i'm a little weird because i have a preference for wide tongues do you have any like extra preferences for wide tongues? Or you don't really care? Wide tongues? I don't think I've ever thought about the width of someone. I've heard that so much. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to call you weird.

Sounds nice. Yeah, right? A wide tongue sounds nice. Like a tongue blanket. A tongue blanket, yeah. Like enveloping you? You can cover a lot of surface space with that. Yeah, I don't think you're weird. I think you're just very specific with specific parts of the body.

Yeah. You're welcome. Hi, Nicole. So I am new to Arizona, and you actually replied to my tweet today, so thank you. But everyone's so jealous. Wait, what was the tweet?

I don't remember. I said, I can't wait to hear about your date tonight, and you said, don't get all jazzed up. Oh, yeah. But... Also, jazzed up seemed better, yeah. Also, jazzed up seemed better as I typed it. And you saying it

back to me sounds so weird. He's like an old person. Yeah, don't get all jazzed up. Don't get your knickers in a bunch. So I myself

have been having trouble with the dating scene and I was wondering if you would roast my Tinder account. Roast it? You want me to like read it and be mean about it? Yes. I'm not a mean comic though.

But you're funny and I love you. Alright. Okay. Okay. Let's see it. I'm going to read it and be like, you're so sweet. I don't know. I have changed it multiple times. How old are you?

I'm 25. Ah, so young. So, here's my preview, I guess. Okay, we won't say your name out loud unless you want me to. Rachel. Oh, dang, I can't. Okay, let's hit edit. Okay, we got a selfie of you in the mirror.

We got two basically the same picture. Yeah, same selfie. Truly, just like wider eyes wait there's actually three selfies this one has glasses so one's like small eyes

big eyes glasses eyes she's like these are my smart eyes and then we got a selfie of you in a mirror with a purse. Why is the purse in front of you? Is that a yoga purse?

I don't know. You don't know? Okay, then we have a picture of you and a woman. Why? Which one? It's a picture of you and another white lady with blonde hair. Okay, she's my best friend. Yeah, but why is she in your dating profile?

Like to see you with friends do they oh okay yeah oh shit yeah like a bunch of people were like no i agree like i don't give a shit i'll look at your friends later and then you got a picture hiking to be like i do something then you got a picture of another woman brown hair is this your second best friend because she's later yeah okay so you're doing like the whole myspace ranking also leah's home uh leah leah. She's home. She got home. She made it home. Yeah. Would you like me to respond to her? Okay.

Okay. You did give me your phone. All right. And then we have another selfie, but we can't see where the mirror is. It looks like you're, you're in a hotel. Yes. Were you in a hotel? It's like a, you know, stripe carpet.'re in a hotel. Yes, were you in a hotel? Which picture? It's the last one.

It's like a, you know, striped carpet. Oh, yeah, that was a hotel. That was a hotel. I was on a work trip. Oh, okay, trying to front like you vacation? Oh, 420 friendly. Hell, yeah. She loves to spark up a doobie.

Play softball. And then you're getting back into your gym routine. Okay. With a flex emoji. I like this, but truly, I know nothing about you

other than you play softball and smoke weed. Maybe I would maybe put... Okay, so I just had an episode with a life coach and he was like you should put your intentions out there so I changed mine to be like I'm looking for something special and I don't know what that is because that's true I don't know but yeah I think it's a good profile I think you need to not have the same three selfies and then get rid of your fucking friends because you're welcome okay hi hi hello hello my

name is Brittany I'm from California I know you like when people do that I do so I am pushing 30 30 and just lost my virginity. Hell yeah! Hell yeah! So, do you have any advice, because 30s is a lot different than when you're a teenager or you're 20s. Any sex advice you would give somebody who just lost their virginity in their 30s? Huh.

That's a good question. I don't know if I have sex advice. I'm a very talkative question. I don't know if I have sex advice. I'm a very talkative person. I like to be communicative, but also I'm not open to exploring new things, and I think I should be. I was going to say,

I don't know if you're the person to answer that. Yeah, no, I'm very bad. I'm like, fuck me from behind, and if you do something different, I'll punch you in the throat I lost my virginity in my 20s and uh I feel like a thing that helped me is being open to people trying something because then it's like oh this is the thing to do okay maybe I'll keep that or I won't you know like allow things to happen also do be very communicative you can say what you like and

what you don't like you don't have to do something just because someone's presenting that option to you. But yeah, do be open because you might like something. You might see something new and be like, oh, this is a thing I want to keep. And I think if you watch like feminist porn, porn from a female point of view,

it's less like, I'm going to fucking jerk off in your face and then choke you and then make you eat my shit and then we'll all jerk off on you. If you watch a little bit more female-centric porn, I've learned that it's more like the sex I'm having. Yeah. the sex I'm having. Yeah. I think also,

I, when I was starting, I feel like I was really concerned with how can I make this person like, think I've been having sex more? Who gives a shit? Like, just like,

if you don't know how to do something, be like, I don't know. And then they'll be like, I'll teach you. And then you can move from there. And that's hot. It's hot.

People love teaching people things. Yes, they do. Thank you. Hi, my name is Elizabeth. Thank you guys for being here. This is the most fun I've ever had. You gotta do more stuff. I know, I know.

That's fair. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm having fun. No, that's a very fair assessment of my life. No, thank you so much for coming. I wanted to ask if you have any, like, go-to pickup lines that you feel, like, really work and really get in there. Yeah, right before the bar closes, you find a mark and you go, you want to fuck me?

It works most of the time. Because it's the end of the night and they look around and they went, oh, she's it? All right. I mean, it's not going to give you a lasting relationship, but you'll get fucked.

So Cher, you don't have nothing well my god i'm kidding i don't really do pickup lines but i do use body language a lot oh so like you could be talking about something really anything but if you put a hand on a forearm. Wait. What do you mean? Okay, so I'm a man. Yeah. Wow. Right? Yeah, you got me. I was like,

oh, she loves me. See? Oh, that's so interesting. Yeah, body contact. And if they are not receptive, then you can stop. But, you know, you're hitting me.

I wasn't doing anything. Yeah, you can't just press on somebody. They'll be like, are you trying to tell me to go away? Wait, I wasn't doing what you were doing. No. You truly were like, is this flesh? Like you were like confused I was a human. Okay.

No, look at what I'm doing. I'm confused. I was a human. Okay. Look at what I'm doing. I'm placing. Am I not a human? Like gently place. Okay. That's good. Okay. Yeah.

I've never done that you gotta I never touch people you gotta that's how they know oh I'm invited to the party did you just throw the microphone wire over your shoulder

yeah I'm comfortable come to my house come on no hi Nicole Come to my house. Come on. No. Hi, Nicole. My name is Nick. If you're a drag king,

what would be your drag king name? Oh, a drag king. Probably Diddy Kong. Yeah. What would yours be? Boy. Prince Hubert? Did you say Prince Hubert?

Yeah. Okay. I don't know. I like it. Do you have, can you think of one for me? Welcome to the stage, Diddy Kong and Prince Hubert. Wait, huge-er. Wait, what?

Huge-er? Huge-er? I don't know, I'm bad at this. I'm really bad at this. Huge-er? Pass. Pass. So not Prince Hubert. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm bad at this. I'm really bad at this. Huge irk? Pass. Pass. No thanks. So not Prince Hubert.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to do this. You broke her. I have to take her back to L.A. tomorrow. Thank you. I'm upset. Hi, I'm Alex. Hi, hi, hi. Do you think that this podcast has helped you in your dating life at all?

It's the at all that was really, really drove it in there. Honestly, this is the realest question anyone's ever asked um i would say yes because since i started doing the podcast i was like dating this person for a while and it was like good and normal and healthy and she heard all about it uh but like right now i am like a little too busy but like uh i I would say a combination of talking at nauseam about love and being in therapy was very helpful because I'm a little obsessive.

So I need to talk about things enough to get it out of my head. So to answer your question, yes. Thank you. Okay, hi, hi, yes. Thank you. Okay, hi, hi, hi. Ooh, that's a good skirt. I'll hold it. I'll hold it. I'm very sorry.

Excuse me. Hello, my name is Alyssa. I love you to ad nauseum. I apologize. And this is Shira as well. Apologize as well. Thanks. You can apologize for that. I love you too ad nauseum. I apologize. And this is for you as well. Apologize as well. You can apologize for that. I love that.

My question is, first of all, thank you as a fat lady for all that you've done for fat ladies being confident in themselves. I feel better as a fat lady for what you've done for fat ladies, so thank you. Side note, as a lady who fucks ladies i'm a lady that would like to fuck ladies but has not done so yet were you afraid the first time you did so and if you were how did you get over it and fuck the lady that was very hot in front of you that was like one of those essay questions. And if the train is moving at 30 miles per hour, when did the lady get fucked in the caboose?

Who was the first lady? Ah, a co-worker um oh that happened because we were just very drunk uh and then it ended up being a threesome it was too much but then i think in my word document I was like women are juicy uh and then like after that I was just like women are fun to kiss uh I don't know it's I think it's like the same way that you would try to approach anybody you just like you're like I I find you attractive and you see what happens. You're welcome. Hi, my name is Angelica and I'm also here with my best friend today. My best friend recently suffered a sex injury and I was just wondering if anything like that has ever happened to you. You gotta be more specific. Pretty substantial. Wait, what?

It was pretty substantial. She ended up with being stitched inside. Wait, was this dude's dick so big it ripped her apart? What's his name? what's his name? Oh, I look at any old dick as a challenge. I've never been ripped apart. I would love it.

My legs are truly open. You're like, where is it? Where is it? Truly, I'll hop on on i've never been let's see have i ever been hurt by sex i've hurt myself masturbating i think i did i don't think i said it on why won't you date me no i did on think that was the lacy mostly episode but i said it on best friends, I got that nine-inch dildo and then my riding pillow. And I was going to town and I hurt myself. And I truly was walking side to side. I got that Ariana Grande song. I was like,

I get it. I get it. So that's the only injury that I did to myself. But truly, where does this man live? Here? We're about two hours away in tucson ah well we gotta put a show together in tucson imagine i'm like andrew thank you okay hi hi hi hi i'm beth uh i've watched you since girl code and i love you as

well thank you so much um one i drive a pink car actually it's in the parking lot right now Hi, I'm Beth. I've watched you since Girl Code, and I love you as well. Thank you. Thank you so much. One, I drive a pink car, actually. It's in the parking lot right now. Is it a Chevy? No, it's a Mitsubishi Mirage, but it came... Oh, is it a hatchback? Yeah, it came fresh from the dealership. Yes, I know.

The Mitsubishi Mirages came in purple and pink and green. They're fun. Okay. I just didn't want a hatchback and it was just too small of a car so that's why

I didn't get it but like my But yes what's your favorite thing to do when you're filming on set for Nailed It? What is my favorite

thing to do? Yes you're correct I love to yell at wes um because what i do is i go and then i go can i have lasagna and then it's his job to find me lasagna well not his job he like he's the assistant director everyone thinks he's a pa but he literally tells me what to do like when i'm late to set he yells at me uh but then it's his job to like tell someone else to go find me lasagna and then I go I don't like this lasagna he then has to tell that person that I did a bad job I'm truly like the little sister. He was like, please, I don't want it.

But yeah, that's fun. Teaching Jacques jokes has been fun because I taught him joke structure, but sometimes he'll just say the setup and then time passes and then he'll say the punchline and I go, what? He's like, it's a joke remember what i said it's a callback and i'm like that okay yeah it's it's fun i have a good time thank you for asking

hi i'm so nervous right now don't be my heart feels like your tit so like monster. It feels like your tit. So like, I don't know what's going on. What a funny thing to say to a person! Like imagine hearing that out of context. I am so nervous, I feel like your tit.

Um, but my question is, I have a bumble, but I never know what the fuck to say to someone. Oh, a bumble. I thought you said a bump, and I was like, this is not the place. No, no bumps around here. Okay, a bumble. Only razor bumps.

But, no. Dude, I'm so fucking nervous. So, what do I say for, like, my first impression to them? Because, like, you know how you have to message first. I never know what the fuck to say at all. I'm very bad at it. I went through a phase where i was asking very dumb questions my favorite was if you went to your room and there was a penguin what would you do and you better believe i got the lamest answers or just an unmatch. But I don't know.

I like to ask a weird question because those are the conversations that I've been the most into when someone answers back something ridiculous. Like I think I asked someone, I was like, would you rather be a hot dog for an hour every night or have to eat tinfoil every day?

And he was like, I want to turn into a hot dog because that's like an adventure. Will someone eat me? Well, they won't. And then like, we like talked for a while and it was like pretty decent banter. We ended up not being able to go out

because I like kept leaving town. But like, I'm weird. I'm a very strange person. So like, I need to be with someone who's like, gets it. Like, I can't be with someone who like, if it like i can't be with someone who like if i i don't know make a strange noise i can't go what was that they have to be like well all right you know so i think your opening line has to be very indicative of who you are thank you love you hi hi hi. Hi, my name's Tiffany. I live in Tucson.

Is that the one you recommend? Hell yeah. This bitch has it up on Amazon. Oh, okay. So I was wrong. It is not Linda's dog. It is Tracy's dog. And she's only $46.99.

Free shipping! But yeah, see, that's the G-Spot part, and then that thing fucking sucks the life out of you. It is so good. You have to get it. It's a screenshot. You've got to get Open Safari. I'll buy it for you.

Yeah, I will. Okay. Okay, email me email me this is an email address I give to any old person but bacon can save at gmail.com

bacon not baking bacon because I love bacon not crumbled bacon but strips of bacon can save.com and then like

if you feel comfortable enough send me your address send me your address and I'll send it to you tonight actually anybody who wants one I'll send it to you tonight. Actually, anybody who wants one, I'll buy one for you. Some people get, you get Tracy's dog and you get Tracy's dog and you get Tracy's dog. I am like a fucked up Oprah. Bye, Venice, for everyone!

I will, any old person, but just tonight. Jenny, if you email me after tonight, I won't buy you one. Great. Actually, I probably will. Let's get real. It's very funny to buy someone a vibrator. You're changing the world. Hell yeah. Hi, my name is Caitlin.

My friend Jade told me to come up here. So I got dumped two weeks ago from a four-year relationship. But I just got asked on a booty call, do I go? By the person, wait. Is this with the ex or somebody else? I downloaded Bumble today. Okay. What was your opening line that got you the booty call to help our friend out? Hold on, I got to find, I don't remember his name.

He's really cute. Let's see. Hell yeah, fuck that man. Yeah, I see, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, fuck that guy. Hell yeah, fuck that man. What did you say to him that got him to want to fuck you?

I said, what's cookin', good lookin'? Oh boy, oh boy, here I am, coming up with convoluted things about penguins. All I gotta say is, what's cookin', good lookin'? Yeah, gotta lower the stakes. You're gonna be on math problems, and she's like, whatever, dude. Wait, he wants to fuck you tonight? the stakes you're gonna be on math problems and she's like whatever dude wait he wants

to fuck you tonight yeah but I have a second question I'm only 22 and he's 33 is that too old you're just fucking

yeah you're just fucking and don't believe any of his bullshit okay thank you yeah just fucking yeah just have fun yeah have fun okay

the first time I went to a diner, drive-ins, and dives place, I was like, Nicole would be so proud. I am very proud. There's one in LA that I frequent. Gelata, that place I took you to? Diner, drive-ins, and dives. Which one was it? Which one?

Bitch, it's okay. Not everything has to fall in the category. It's a restaurant. I guess it's a dive. It's not a drive-in. It's certainly not a diner. I don't know. Please leave Guy alone, okay?

I promise it wasn't a statement. Sorry. I wasn't attacking Guy. It felt like you were. The show is called... It felt like you were. I wasn't. It felt like you were.

That's just what he calls the show. Not every restaurant has to fall in that category. He should just call it restaurants. No. He should just call it places I eat. Honestly, I would watch a show called Guy Fieri's Places I Eat. That's funny. What's your question?

Hello. My name is Margo, and I'm from here. And you're both so beautiful, and this is really nerve-wracking. I don't know why. I'm just asking a question. But I wanted to say that I've been following your podcast and that I noticed that your career is booming as well as I know that you're going on a lot of dates. But what are you prioritizing right now? Love or career?

My career. Yeah. my career uh yeah i i've been touring a lot so i've been like i'm on the road from january to now pretty consistently like thursday through sundays and then when i'm in la monday through wednesdays working and then sometimes having to cancel a date if I have a job but uh like I don't really have time to date right now but I have that vibrator yeah but truly 2020 is gonna be my year I've been saying this since what February yeah you're like this 2019's in the garbage I I can't wait till 2020. I was like, you have a lot of months to get through. And honestly, it feels like time's going backwards.

I cannot believe we're still in November. I can't believe you thought about that question for so long. We were truly backstage and she was like, I love money. Money, money, money, money, money. Wait, what? When she asked about love versus career you were like thinking about it i was like it's clearly career like you fucking love to work you love money i do love money yeah i keep buying sconces and this is true thank you i bought three sconces today and a light for no fixture so now I have to create a fixture

anyway hello love a good sconce I love a sconce I wait was that with you yeah where were we what this was a live oh this was my party time show oh we were doing a live show I was again talking about sconces and I said I love a sconce. And then Sashira said. I thought you were saying, is it a level sconce? No. No, I was saying, I love a sconce. You thought I was saying.

A level sconce? I level sconce. Oh, yeah, I level sconce is right. And when you kept, it was like a who's on first. I was like, yeah, I level sconce. And you were like, no, I love a sconce. Yeah, I level sconce. I love a sconce. What about the I level sconce yeah, eye level scones. And you're like, no, I love a scone. Yeah, eye level scones. I love a scone. What about the eye level scones?

I love a scone. Yeah, I get it, but like, what about the eye level scones? But I love a scone. And then you screamed at me. I was like, we're having a fun banter. And you're like, what the fuck are you saying? It was a good time. Hello. Well, one,

I will be emailing you for a Tracy's dog tonight. Yeah, truly, tonight. I will do it. But my question is, since I thought I was last, I thought I'd close it out sweetly. What is your favorite thing about being best friends with each other? That is sweet. Is yours going to be sweet?

I don't even have a question. Okay. Okay. Okay. Is yours going to be sweet? I don't even have a question. Okay. Okay.

I guess. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say. But that's a very, I like that question. I think, well, my favorite thing about being best friends with you is we have a shorthand. I can just look at you. Like, we were at a party once and we got separated and I was like, I don't want to be here. And I was like, all these people talking to me are fucking freaks and I hate them. And I was like, where's my friend? And I started looking around and then I saw, okay, so this is what happened. I was like, oh, okay, let's go.

was like oh okay let's go and it was like good and perfect yeah I don't have to explain much to you and you have a quality that I want in like a partner we can sit on the couch and not talk for 20 minutes you send me a meme we teehee we talk about it and then we go back to silence. And it's great. And then I do insane things and you're okay with it. Like one day out of the blue, I yelled at you. Wait, what did I say? Can I please have some mashed potatoes? We were in a car.

And she was driving and she put her hand out in front of my face as if I had mashed potatoes. And she goes, can I please have mashed potatoes? And I was like, I'm not keeping them from you. We weren't even talking about food. And I feel like another person would be like, what the fuck are you doing? But you were like, I don't have them. Yeah, I think you literally said, I'm not keeping them from you.

That's one of my favorite things about you, because you consistently surprise me. And that's fun. And you surprise yourself. And that's fun to watch. Yeah, I like being with someone where it's like, I don't know. Who knows what could happen? I don't know. It's like, for most people, you can be like Most people are probably going to react this way in this situation.

I don't know what you're going to do. Most times. And I like that. Hey. Thank you. It feels like you like me because I'm a sociopath. No, no, no. You're like this wild bitch.

I don't know what she's going to do. You're definitely not as calculated as a sociopath. Thank you. You don't know what's happening. You're correct. I get stumped so often. Recently, we had a question where someone was asking about their fiance's wife's friends, and I could not figure out who she was talking about.

I was like, fiance's wife's friends? It not figure out who she was talking about i was like fiance's wives for it was too many it was hard somewhat we were you were taking someone's email down backstage and they're like yeah my name's this period and you're like period he's like yeah my name period he's like you're like you just you do it i don't know i was like what did you get stuck on here's what happened he said his name i repeated it and he said period and then i thought of the serious the city girls where they're like period and i was like my name's so in here and i was like well there has to be a gmail or something nope just emailed my name. That's it. So there was nothing. I get it now.

Okay. Hello. Oh, you're back. It was a treat and a dream. Oh, thank you so much. You're adorable. Okay, let's hear this statement. Okay, my name's Jenna.

I'm from Minnesota. I've already emailed you about Tracy's dog. Okay, my name's Jenna. I'm from Minnesota. I've already emailed you about Tracy's dog. I am friends with the girl who made you that glorious picture. And she's so obsessed with you. And our entire group of colleagues is so obsessed with you.

We started a supper club dedicated to Guy Fieri restaurants. And we are going to our first restaurant tomorrow night to celebrate not only you, but Guy Fieri's obsession with weird foods. I love it. Thank you for letting me know about that. Please wear flames, take pictures, let the world see it. Hell yeah.

You can get a flame shirt on Amazon.com. Thank you. What? Yeah, you can get that on Amazon too. But if you email me, I'll send it to you. I'm really excited about fulfilling my shipment orders tonight.

Oh my God. They fly me into the warehouse. They're like, you do it. I'm like, I gotta get time to pack the dildos. I wonder if anyone gets that reference do you did you get it yes it's my favorite fucking commercial it's like real jaunty music and then a very tired man wakes up and goes time to make the donut which seems like a fun activity, because who doesn't love a donut? But this man is trapped in his own private hell. I love it.

I'm going to show it to you. This is what I mean. I didn't know you were going to launch into this at all. You didn't know that I love time to make the donuts? Well, when we fulfill our orders tonight, because you're going to help me. Oh, boy. Okay. Great. I'll show you that commercial. Well, that we fulfill our orders tonight, because you're going to help me. Oh, boy. Okay.

Great. I'll show you that commercial. Well, that's it. Thank you so much for coming out. Truly, thank you so much. That was the Cheers of Maynard. I've been Nicole Meyer. Have a good night.

Bye. Thank you. Bye-bye. Hi, hi, hi. There was a misunderstanding. I only promised vibrators free of charge to people at the Tempe, Arizona show

who emailed me. Also, Tracy's dog did a very wonderful thing. They sent the people at my Tempe, Tempe, Arizona show vibrators so I didn't have to come out of pocket to pay. So when you get them, please post them on social media. Tag them hashtag I love Tracy's dog at me on Twitter or Instagram at Nicole Byer so I can retweet and show them that they did a nice thing and you guys are doing a nice thing

by spreading the word for Tracy's dog. If you are listening to the podcast now and are emailing me, I'm just going to respond to you with the promo the podcast now and are emailing me, I'm just going to respond to you with the promo code. So no need to email me. Just use the promo code in my bio. It's 20% off the Tracy's dog vibrator, my favorite vibrator. The offer is valid, I believe, until November 28th. So yeah, no need to email me because I'm just going to respond with the promo code. I hope you guys enjoy your Tracy's dog vibrator. just going to respond with the promo code. I hope you guys enjoy your Tracy's Dog Vibrator.

This has been a Team Coco production.