Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Healthcare (w/ Langston Kerman)

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Actor and comedian Langston Kerman (Insecure, The Boys) joins Nicole to discuss her recent broken ankle and awkward brush with healthcare. He also shares the perks of dating long distance, how to attract chucklefuckers, and how he used the '36 Questions That Lead to Love' to open up to his wife.Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could steal all my weaves and leave me ball-headed. ball-headed. My guest today, oh boy, he's been on so many things. He's a stand-up. He's so funny. He's been on The Boys, which I consumed in very little time. Bless This Mess,

You're Not a Monster, Southside, Sherman Showcase. Ooh, you were on Sherman Showcase. I never got around to watching it, and I really wanted to, and I liked all those commercials. And Insecure. Ooh, and High Maintenance. It's links to Kermit! Yeah! This is exciting. I should to and i liked all those commercials and insecure oh and high maintenance it's like this is exciting i should say to the people listening i broke my ankle yesterday and i'm

on drugs my my my has nicole been struggling with basic functions it's a great time i I'm having a blast. Witnessed me try to X out of a program. And that's like easy. I was sharing my screen on the Zoom and I just couldn't figure it out. And I just started to giggle. No. You know.

Yeah, we all had to get involved in a way that felt like maybe this is going to be a permanent thing in your life. That now you're going to need like a helper. I mean, maybe. I kind of already have helpers. My roommate John and the nice man who lives with me, they've been truly helping me so much. They like turned down my bed last night. They called 911. So I'll tell you what happened.

Okay. So I roller skate. I a pole dance i ride a motorcycle i flew off a motorcycle last year i've flown off a motorcycle twice and haven't broken anything wow but i tripped on a big fluffy skirt and fell down the stairs and that's what fucking took me out i I cannot believe it. How fucking goofy. Wait, so was this a skirt you were wearing or just one you had in your hands? So it was in a garment bag because I was taking pictures with my friend Nick and it was coming slowly out of the garment bag and I was running late.

So I was like, you know, going down the stairs at a rather fast pace, but not super fast. I don't move that fast. I'm too big for that. But you know, I was at a, I would but not super fast i don't move that fast i'm too big for that but you know i was i was at a i would say a mid hustle you had some enthusiasm about it yes a little bounce to my step and then i stepped on it and i looked down and i was like oh shit i don't know how to get out of this and then my like leg shot out and my body went down on my leg oh no and the way i fell i was like my whole body is dead i'm broken i'm not here sweet kiss of death oh no

yeah exactly and then john said what he heard was like a aud and then going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That is a heartbreaking thing when you discover the sounds you make at your lowest. Yes. It's like, oh, I'm that silly that that's what comes out of my body on the worst day of my life. Yeah. Then I'm just like a full blown goofy ass cartoon. He was like, you were making weird sounds so he came in and was like are you okay and i was like i don't know and then i looked at my leg and there was a bend in my ankle that doesn't normally happen a big like a big bumpy

bump and then my foot was like facing me and i was like that don't look right so then i started screaming it was like you have to call 911 and then 911 came rather fast nice and i'll tell you they sent six to eight people and they didn't need six to eight people they were just standing around looking at me and then then, and I can't remember what I said, but they laughed. And then John goes, Oh, she's funny.

Just fair warning. And I was like, don't warn people that I'm funny. Just like, let me be the funniest person they pick up. Don't step on my bits. I, I have a broken ankle.

Let me have something. Yes. Um, and then they were like, have you ever had fentanyl and i was like no i've never had fentanyl but i know what it is uh and they were like all right we're gonna give you some fentanyl and i was like sick knock me the fuck out this is bad so then they're like looking for my veins and this man tried two times and went i don't know where your

vein is and i was like do you want to look at my other arm he's like well we'd have to move you and i was like please anything give me drugs i don't feel good and then i love that his response was i don't think you got veins baby girl baby girl you might be dead you one of them people without veins i'm so sorry that we can't give you the. We don't know how to get to your bloodstream. Sorry about it. And then they, so I have stairs at my house. My house is not ADA-compliable, which I have learned sucks. It sucks. Because going up the stairs, I had to crawl up my stairs and then cried because I couldn't figure out how to get back up. It's been a journey.

So they were taking me down the stairs and he was like hold yourself don't reach out because then we'll lose balance and we'll drop you and then one of them went we only drop people on Fridays and everyone laughed and I said oh my dude that wasn't funny I hated that that was I don't like it so then we're in the ambulance and he's a very nice man he did take me to the hospital very sweet but he was a i don't even know if he's a republican but he was definitely like a trump supporter without saying it he was like thank god we're wearing these masks you know because uh you know covid's out there and the new 10 p.m curfew means no one's gonna get it and i was like okay i'll give you that the curfew is fucking stupid it's not great

no it doesn't make no sense like is covid more dangerous at nighttime well i think what they're trying to do is uh is discourage people from partying and hanging out in uh in big social settings but like i don't know i'm horny all day i i'll figure out a way you know what i mean if i'm gonna go spit in someone's mouth i will do it at 3 p.m okay like i'm gonna find a way to do it you can't stop me gavin no brunch brunch is a thing right we can brunch and fucking do that shit but then i was like i mean i'm glad you're wearing a mask he's like why it doesn't do anything for you and i was like and you're the man saving but then i was like i mean i'm glad you're wearing a mask he's like why it doesn't do anything for you and i was like and you're the man saving my life i was like well

why do surgeons wear masks and he's like oh to keep all their like germs and stuff to themselves so they're not breathing onto the patient and i was like that's what we're doing now we're just keeping the covid to ourselves it just minimizes and he went oh yeah okay and i was like yeah okay i wish in that moment he just pulled the car over and like got into a deep think you know what i mean he's just like full existential thing where he's like holy shit maybe i've been wrong about a lot of things this whole time all time and this funny fat black lady who fell down her stairs that she goes up and down every single day this black lady with her ankle twisted in the wrong direction is really saying some stuff that i needed to hear i really

needed to hear that and then travis you're going back to school this is it and then we were driving with with no siren and i said can i have the siren and he was like hey she wants the siren he was like okay and i was like were we just gonna like obey traffic laws and like and just like get there when we got there but then i saw on this computer that i was a non-urgent emergency and i was like my foot is on wrong sure this is for me this is very urgent but i'll tell you who was urgent it was a lady who was drunk and i was like how is she more urgent than me she can't feel pain well we could throw her down the stairs oh i don't know oh see i might i would venture to guess lighter than you and that's the urgency there's a drunk white lady. Drop everything. The hospital needs to tend to her.

We've got to save this liver. This liver may go on to scream in a supermarket. We need to save it. Oh, man. Have you ever broken anything? No, I haven't. I recently thought I had a hernia because i've been like working out more than i was before and doing pull-ups and shit and uh i thought for sure i

had a hernia went to a doctor who was like yeah it might be a small hernia i'm your muscles seem a little like off here you're gonna have to see a specialist which is always the bullshit it's so it's like why did i go to this doctor why didn't i go to like a specialist which is always the bullshit it's so it's like why did i go to this doctor why didn't i go to like why did i go to the emergency room why isn't there an orthopedic person who does broken things and i can just go to one you gotta have a specialist on on staff at this point if i'm showing up give me the specialist off top but he sent me to a specialist who then like made me take my dick out and he searched around and asked me a bunch of wait what i mean that's part of the deal to check a hernia is it's it's all related to like

your abdominal muscles so they need your pants off and uh he he spent a lot of time with my pants down like it was it felt rude after a while and because it't, you know, if my pants are down and you're checking something, if you're like poking at something, okay, I respect your work as an artist. But if you're just, my pants are down and you're asking me about my business, what are we doing, sir? Let me pull my pants up. Yeah. I had my pants down at one point. Oh, boy. Should I share this story?

Sure. So I had to pee when i was at the hospital i can't walk my foot's on wrong and i was like i have to pee and then the guy goes huh i don't know how you're gonna do that both the bathrooms are pretty far and you have to get up and i was like i don't know you work here i don't know how do people pee if they can't get up and then he was like well i'll go get a tiffany let's call her tiffany and i was like yes please go get tiffany and tiffany comes over and she's like what's going on and i was like i have to pee and she's like oh no i was like what is this why do people keep like just being like whoa whoa i love that they called baby bop to uh

to solve this problem uh what you gotta do okay i help so then she pulls out this thing it's this like long thing that looks like a banana and it's attached to this suction thing and she was like so listen this man he made this for his wife who has cancer you put it right on you and then you pee and then the suction takes it up and i was like okay i don't know if i needed the backstory but like i'm really glad he did that for his wife is she like still living like what's going on i's going on she died yeah she passed she peed right into the thing and it sucked the soul out of her listen she died of a terrible terrible illness but she didn't have a drop of pee on her body and that's the most important way so she hooks it up and then she's

like okay go and i don't hear any suction i was like now and she's like so i peed and then i was like i'm just peeing on myself and then she goes oopsies and i was like so then she was like and i had pulled my pants down like pretty far because i didn't trust the thing yeah so then she was like gotta clean you up and i was like oh did you like want to clean me what is happening so then she like cleaned me up and then she she was like, all right, let's take these pants off. And I was like, I don't think we need to. And she's like, but aren't they all wet? And I was like, no, I pulled them down really far.

And she was like, oh, well, isn't that smart? And I wanted to be like, I left in the clothes I came in with. What were you going to send me home in if you took my underwear? Baby Bop was a sicko. She had some weird fetish shit that she was trying to see through she she tried to introduce a machine no one's heard of now you're a fucking weirdo baby bop baby bop was like i just wanna clean up big black ladies and pretend that they're babies oh are you all wet oh no it was wild also they had nothing to

elevate my ankle except the pillow from my house that the emts took with them which high what hospital did you go to this is not a good hospital that you're going to the american health system is fundamentally broken i was at the glendale hospital glendale memorial and i couldn't believe it because i was like is there anything else to elevate my leg and he goes yeah let me go get some blankets so he went and got blankets and i was like there's no blocks you don't have like a block of like aren't people come in here all the time broken you don't have nothing you don't have a quarter a half you don't have no apple boxes my god were you working out more was this

before or after the boys because i feel like you were very buff in the boys uh well first of all thank you and second of all they uh put stuffing in a muscle suit to help with with the boys they did hire a trainer for me i want to be clear they hired a trainer for me who did a very good job i was buffer than i've been but i was not uh buff enough for their their liking so they added a bunch of like muscle suit shit to me uh just so i could sit on a couch and talk to a man through his problems i thought for sure i was going to be doing like awesome kickflips and and arrows and all sorts of shit nothing not a thing they had you work out to then do no stunts zero not a one i thought you were really good in it oh thank you yeah i you know i practiced it it was fun it was good i loved

it did you get to meet the man who played ah shit i watched it not that long ago to be forgetful oh shit what is this uh homelander did you meet homelander no i have i literally the only person i've met was chase who plays the deep who's very sweet lovely guy uh very funny all of my scenes were with him so it was just that and then they they shoot it in toronto so like i they fly me out for a few days i say my scene on my lines and then they send me home they go goodbye they're not like hey and why don't you come meet the cats take some photos i don't know why i asked that was like such a fangirl thing to ask and i've shot things and like i know that you only meet the people you're in scenes with or if someone's in a scene after you you're maybe you'll meet them but usually it's a different location

and you're not gonna meet them yeah did you meet homelander um did you um oh boy was he nice was he crazy the way he is on the tv I do genuinely have those questions at all times for people. I've learned now not to ask them because I'm quote unquote a professional, but that doesn't stop the urge. I still want to know. You know what I mean? I want to know if P. Diddy was nice to you. I got to know, but I can't ask because I guess that's bad taste whenever i'm like get to work with someone who's been on snl after talking to them for a little bit i go so uh who was the worst person on this show like but like i've learned that you can't just ask that off the gate because that's like what everybody asks but i'm like genuinely curious so you just like talk for a

little bit you're like hey uh who was trash and who wasn't yeah i what i've learned with snl people is that if you talk to them long enough you can get them there by just uh having a conversation about trash people they'll be like you know who's really trash like i got you got you bitch a little bit of drinking and some time you'll tell me i love that yeah it's easy langston i have a question you are not single you are married i'm married congratulations you got married last year yeah almost exactly a year ago now oh well happy almost anniversary we passed it we're we're it's no longer a uh aatory thing. We're now in the miserable stage of what marriage is. No, I'm joking. We're fine. Well, I mean, you are, you know, married during a pandemic, seeing each other more than you've ever thought you'd see each other. a house right in the middle of this. And so now we're sort of like office mates in that like,

you know, but like a big office where like I have a section of the house that I work out of, she has her section, and then we see each other at like seven o'clock at the end of the day. And that I think limits some of that stress of like constantly looking over at a person that you didn't plan on seeing so constantly i agree like i'm you know really lucky to have a house where yeah same so like me and my roommates we don't really see each other during the day and then at night we'll like come together we'll you know argue about what to watch on tv and then watch it and then have a nice night yeah and then it starts all over again we got a real groundhog's day vibe going but yeah it's you know yeah not i don't think we're uh we're not miserable we're not putting our toaster in the in the in the bathtub yet you know what i mean like

we're not trying to kill each other or ourselves I was like ew why would you eat toast in the bathtub like that no no no now I get it like electrocute yourself yes kill yourself I get it I get it have you ever been on the apps or no wait how long have you been with your wife I've been with my wife for five years now uh we've been married one but yeah I was I did the apps before this I I was not hugely into them. It wasn't like a super successful space for me. And I don't know why that is necessarily. But I wouldn't shine in on the apps.

I was more of like a, I'm a person to person, door to door kind of man. So that wasn't my thing. But I had a few app successes i think it's weird that you didn't thrive on the apps well i i think i spend too much time making silly faces in photos and not enough time being a a serious person and that doesn't go well for people who don't know you they're like all right this is a goofball in a way that doesn't go well for people who don't know you. They're like, all right, this is a goofball in a way that doesn't make me horny. This will sound rude, but you're like very pretty. Oh, thank you.

So I don't understand why you wouldn't have a good time on that. I feel like silly faces or not, they'd be like, oh, this pretty man, I gotta get to him. I gotta get, let me see that pretty face. Let me see that pretty face. Let me see that pretty face. I love that you think the age range I picked was 80 and up. Oh, yeah. I can't wait to see that little angsty. Look at this man.

Oh, I pinch his cheeks. Yes, God. He's going to carry in my groceries and help me with my Metamucil. Oh. What does Metamucil do? I don't know. I just know old people like it. I think Metamucil moves poops.

Oh, good. I think you stir it up in some water, you drink it, and it like flushes your body. Your booty? Oh, boy. Your booty. Oh, boy. You buddy.

Oh boy. I feel wild. I've been on Bumble and I don't know how I feel. Okay. I'm going to read this message to you. I don't know how I feel about it. Okay. So this guy and I were talking and he was like, it's my birthday. And I was like, well, happy birthday.

Are you doing stuff for it or no? And he was like, I ended up going to the Kern River with some friends. It was very chill. Smoked weed. Blah, blah, blah. Did you do anything this weekend? And then he was like i ended up going to the kern river with some friends it was very chill smoked weed blah blah blah did you do anything this weekend and then he's like by the way not to make it weird or anything but i want to acknowledge that i fully know who you are definitely a fan of yours not the reason i swiped just want to get that out there that felt like too too much and it felt like really doth thou protest too much oh i see i wouldn't i don't know that i would take it that way now keep in mind i'm not as famous as you are so i you know i would have been like oh hell yeah cool follow me dog

oh fuck yeah but i i think what he was trying to do whether it came off correctly to you or not what he was trying to do was be like i don't want to do that thing where I just pretend like, I don't know who the fuck you are. And then we get into some weird space where somebody recognizes you and I have to go, Oh, why do people recognize you? Whatever.

And instead just be like, look, I know who the fuck you are. I think you're talented anyway. What that booty do. You know what I mean? Like what? Yeah.

All right. You're still not sitting well with you. No, because the way that I've enjoyed it in recent years is someone waiting till we're in person and being like, just so you know, I know you're a comic and I go, Oh,

okay. It just, it feels like it's, it was like on his mind and he and maybe he did swipe because he knew who I was oh like he couldn't contain himself yes I got you I I okay I could see that that because you guys weren't super deep into the texting it was like the third thing he said to me was I know who you you are. Okay. Yeah, that's it's different. Maybe, especially if it's his birthday. He could have like really milk that.

Yeah, right. Like you talk about your birthday, my dude. Yeah, just really vent on that thing. And then 20 messages deep, you go, by the way, now that we've built this unbeatable rapport. Now that you're in love with my intellect i uh i should share with you i 20 messages deep that's too much is that how long you were talking to people when you're on apps 20 messages maybe that's why i was fucking up maybe i was gonna let them go too long what do you do you gotta meet up with people i like maybe a back and forth of like

two three days before you ask me out oh i didn't mean 20 different separate interactions i meant uh i mean okay 20 messages literally okay i love that you think that i was treating this like uh like the 40-year-old version. Like, I got a message with you for a month. I truly thought you were talking to people for like 20 days. I was like, that is so long. That's why they didn't like you. No, I don't want to talk to my wife for 20 days. I'm stuck now.

I have to. Real quick, before we get into more of my questions, we have to take a break. Okay. have to real quick before we get into more of my questions we have to take a break okay and oh we're back so i feel fully insane langston how did you meet your wife? We met through a mutual friend who was living in Chicago. I went to undergrad with her. She did Teach for America with my wife. And I was back home visiting my family in Chicago and then hanging out with that friend.

And she was just visiting that friend randomly that weekend. And we were going to the club and i uh my friend texted me and was like we need alcohol and i knew that nikki was gonna be there and i knew that she was cute and so i was like all right what is nikki like and she was like a patron which she knew what my friend was being annoying because she knew it was like i'm gonna name something expensive that you're gonna have to buy a lot of. And so I went and bought like the biggest Patron I could find and showed up with that. And that was like, hey, what's up? I got this for you.

And then we kicked it and made out at the club. And that was that was most of it. And then I tricked her into basically dating me from afar for two years. Like we did long distance from Baltimore to New York for two years before we eventually lived in the same city. Oh, wow. That I didn't know. I tricked her into doing long distance with me. That's very funny.

I'm filled with shenanigans. And one of them worked out. Was long distance hard or was it easy? I feel like some people find it easier than others. I'll be honest. I really liked it because I was still like making my way in New York as a standup. And so being long distance meant that I wasn't obligated to like come home at a certain time to a person

every single night. Like as long as I made a phone call at some point in the day, I was straight and I could stay out till, you know, two in the morning trying to get up on stage or hanging out or whatever it was to, to help ground myself in the New York scene. So it was pretty good. I liked it it I don't know that we could go back to that in any healthy kind of way now that you know we've broken that seal but I was into it have you ever dated long distance sure have not yeah no I haven't but I do feel like it would be easy with my lifestyle to have somebody like new york or something because it's like i'm in new york at least once or was in new york like once a month right so it's like but then also

i'm like i don't want to be like far far away from somebody especially like if i turn out like it turns out i love them and it's like i want you near me but yeah i would i would do it i don't think i'd you know shy away from it yeah it's not it's not as bad as people think it is but i say that not having a regular job like i think that if you had a regular nine to five that shit probably sucks because so much of what you date for and you are in a relationship for is that time after you sort of like clock in and clock out but our schedules are so irregular I'm constantly traveling I'm on the road and shit so it's like oh long distance that's fine it's you're not gonna see me in person so yeah it works out perfectly yeah I won't be here anyway

have you been doing outside shows like around LA I've done i think three since uh march so not not really i've i've done like three of them i i don't hate them they're better than i think they are every single time same it's not comedy yet it still ain't uh fun you still have to be like addressing the pandemic in a way that like it takes some of the joy out of whatever this is but no and I think I'm honestly if I had kept writing bits during all of this I'd probably enjoy it even more but I'm like trying to remember things that I was working on before this started and trying to scramble to write new things before shows and yeah it it isn't super gratifying but they're not bad yeah it's I think the hardest part is remembering my old stuff like I just recently listened to the last hour I did and I was like

oh yeah what the fuck I forgot I told this joke because like I didn't have it written down so truly like some things were fully surprises and I was like I can't what yeah it's a weird thing of both at least for me it was a weird thing of like remembering old jokes and then dealing with whatever the emotional backlash

is of like oh man 250,000 people died and you still still talking about uh you lost your keys nigga write something new come up with with a new thing you gotta address the world as it is not this shit you know what i mean yeah i wonder when we can stop not when when it'll feel okay to stop addressing the pandemic because it is wild like imagine taping a special like next year say we get a vaccine and things are okay like imagine taping a special next year than not mentioning the pandemic sure but then like three to four

five six years from now it's not evergreen but like you can't not mention it right how long after the spanish flu did they stop being like 50 million people died anyway what's up with cars those are new you see them uh boxes with wheels that movie from place to place damn is weird this henry ford he is something else it's funny because like uh we forget about pandemics but like you know i've heard about vietnam so many times and i know vietnam is bad but it's like we we remember interesting things yeah a hundred percent you know like 9-11 never forget but like pandemics who who cares yeah i wonder how long it is gonna take for people to still give a shit about this because it's such a it. And I do think there is what's going to be interesting is it's such a international problem. You know what I mean? In a way that maybe it neutralizes the problem where we all just kind of stop talking about it because like, oh, everybody went through that. You're not special. Like part of the reason we remember 9-11 is because it makes us special to like this was America's issue.

But if it's the world's issue, it's just kind of like, eh, whatever. We all did it. None of us are special. Everyone's going through it. Get over it, bitches. That said, I'm so sorry that so many people have died. And I really wish that we could get this under control i think we will listen i think we will i think 2021 is gonna come it's gonna get

under control my ankle will be healed and i'll be able to pole dance again. I'm so sad I can't pole dance. Yeah. Do you do it at home? Yeah, I got a pole at home. Holy shit. The studio I go to, it's called Luscious Maven. They have like Zoomy classes that I was doing and they like rent the studio space out. So it's nicer to pole.

So my pole at home is an outdoor pole. So there's no roof on it. Yeah. So it's just truly harder to do shit because it like nicer to pull. So my pole at home is an outdoor pole, so there's no roof on it. So it's just truly harder to do shit because it moves. So it's nicer to do shit when it's attached to the wall. When it's a load-bearing pole, not just a free-floating pole. Just a free-floating pole where you're like, Will! I! Die!

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I'd be terrified. I was mentioning the pull-up thing that i bought and there's not a moment that i don't get on those and and constantly feel like it's going to rip off of the off of the the thing and and i'm gonna fall not very far but in my mind to my death i mean i didn't fall that far down the stairs it was like the last three stairs and it fucked me the fuck up so like a fall from anywhere i think can kill you i had fully in my mind i had pictured that you did one of those cartoon like ren and stimpy rolls from the top of the steps and then you uh woke up and your legs were on backwards like a

lego you know what i mean? I was awake for that. I didn't wake up. I was awake and my foot was on backwards like a little Lego. No, truly the last three, maybe two stairs. It was the dumbest fall in the world. Have you ever seen the documentary The Staircase? No. Is that a lady who got pushed down the staircase it's a lady who

probably got bludgeoned to death by her uh husband but his argument in the staircase is that she basically she like her body is found at the bottom of a staircase with like blood a shit ton of blood coming out and like his argument based off of all like the you know the the scientific evidence whatever is that she fell like four stairs and then bled out at the bottom and everybody's like nah doc i don't think that's how that works and like his lawyers work real hard to be like see anybody could die from this level of fall and so maybe you're right maybe you i believe him because these two stairs have fucked me up sure keep in mind she's not the the only lady who's died on some staircases in his life but hey no go feel free to believe the man who wait how many women have died on staircases

uh two around him his ex-wife and uh his dead wife uh both died uh mysteriously on some staircases uh two around him his ex-wife and uh his dead wife uh both died uh mysteriously on some staircases i mean if you gotta murder you gotta pick two different ways to murder if you're murdering two people my man's got a style he knew what he was doing i can't imagine can you like langston can you like imagine murdering somebody no i can't i threaten my wife all the time i tell her that uh in various ways i'm gonna murder her but i don't mean it it's just it's just fun and games it's just a you know i say wild shit just to uh see what kind of reaction i can get out of her but no I couldn't imagine murdering somebody. We've been debating as of late about whether or not we should get a gun.

And I've always been very anti. It's not really a thing that I'm into. But obviously with the world progressing in the way that it is, it's starting to feel more and more like being anti is just silly. That like, cool, you have principles. But like but like i don't know everybody else got one so what what you gonna do with your principles when they kick in your door you know what i mean you're not the only person who has said that a lot of people

are like i don't like them but if everybody has them i might as well have one just in case one of those people who has one comes into my house but my argument is i'm goofy and real cartoon like so if someone broke into my house with a gun there's no way i'm getting a gun out in time to my hand and you know end up shooting the dog or something like that and now you know now there's a dead dog in my house and a man has already molested everyone oh no yeah i would hate for someone to come into my house with a gun and molest me like that seems like so rude oh No, it's impolite. I agree. It is not. I don't want that.

That is so fucking rude. It is not the way you behave, sir. So before you were in a relationship, you were doing stand up and you were single. Did you ever run into chuckle fuckers? I ask every comic this because I'm so curious about it uh yes there were i would say i probably i had sex a a handful of times because of stand-up i i uh made the mistake of uh falling in love before i was successful so So I don't know that I fully benefited from my fame as much as I would like.

But even in a sort of growing stage of my career, I certainly, there were a fair amount of girls who were like, hey, you were a great feature. Get inside of me. Which, thank you so much ladies thank you for for seeing potential in my 25 you know what i mean my 20 my strong 25 minutes thank you for letting me do stuff to you from that that's so funny i so people listening might not know what a feature is so you have your opener who's like the host who hosts the the show. Your feature is in the middle.

They do 25. And then you have your headliner, who's like the star. So these women were like, not the star, but like you were on stage too, and I want it. Well, the nice thing about featuring, and I will say this, is if you are good enough at it, you can sometimes get a girl to leave the room after your set after your set so they kind of miss part of the headliner which means y'all can just drink at the bar and like kick it and you can get to know them and vibe out that way and then you get to you know do your thing after that that's wild just but you gotta kill smart you gotta kill yes and you have

to make weird eye contact after you kill in a way that like kind of suggests like hey what's up meet me outside kind of thing and then you can wow yeah you can finagle that that's game that like i do not have i will be on stage and be like are you looking at me weird why what do i do uh do you need something from me yeah it never occurs to you to be like hey yeah yeah no you see you don't you don't have to do hey yeah i don't want you to be a pervert you just have to you have to hit a good punchline, like nail a fucking punchline, and then you look over knowingly like, you know, hey, that one was for you. You know what I mean? You see what I'm doing up here?

You see what I'm capable of? That is game in a way I cannot fathom. Oh, it's not that hard. You just got to – just a knowing look. Just you could eat me. Yeah, no, I could, I could. It would never occur to me to do that during a set. And then I've tried to do it just like not performing and it doesn't work out.

I'm just like. Well, the beauty of, in reference to the chuckle fuckers is they're they're enthralled with that energy. It's they don't give a fuck about comedy, but they do give a fuck about sort of like the the charisma and energy you're able to to maintain on a stage. And so by activating it in that moment, you that's when you're really going to benefit from from their like uh their intrigue if that makes sense yeah that does make sense that's so interesting also it's funny that you like take them away so they don't see the headliner the person who's more famous than you exactly you're like you don't have to watch that girl you know what are you talking about don't watch that who cares he's not relatable you know who's

relatable me i'm relatable anyway i don't have a place to stay this evening what you got honestly what a hustle that would be to not book your like accommodations or not stay in the comics fucking condo comic condos are so gross yeah i i've done that a couple times where like i did not necessarily i had a few backup plans but i didn't necessarily have like a firm place to stay and then ended up finding somewhere to stay you know for the night the fucked up part is if you're featuring for a weekend it's not that's not a a good plan because you're not gonna just kick it with that girl for the whole weekend you can't just stay there the whole time so it's kind of it's a it's a one shot so you get somewhere to stay for friday and then you're homeless on saturday saturday sunday yeah exactly yeah i was with mateo i think we were in ohio

and he was staying in the comics condo and it was disgusting it was just trash and he ended up staying there i think for the weekend and then i was with christy cello somewhere and it was like stains laundry hadn't been done yeah the tv was like from 1982 it was fucking broken and she was like i don't think i can stay here and i was like from 1982. It was fucking broken. And she was like, I don't think I can stay here. And I was like, all right, Christy, we'll figure it out. And then the club paid for her hotel room. But it was a wild. Is she like super germaphobic?

What happened to Christy that she can't stay in the comedy condo? It was she sent me pictures and I was like, I wouldn't stay here either. I got you. It was just gross. It was like boys had just been in there. She was like, also, it was just gross it was like boys had just been in there she was like also it was stinky it was just like not okay uh that was the same club that gave away all my tickets so i had sold out shows but it was truly me interrupting these people's dinner

because they would just like come to the show they papered the crowd uh-huh and then i didn't get my full money and i was like give me my money and they said no well we comped all your tickets and i was like well i would have rather you know done a show for six people who were paying and he was like we can't keep a club open like that and i was like and i can't tour like that do you get it now do you and then the fucking manager had never come not one day over the weekend so i was on the phone with him and i was like you rude ass motherfucker i'll never fucking come back here to virginia beach funny bound thank you jesus christ i'll never go back there i fucking hate that club yeah i anytime that a club is uh papering your audience it's uh it doesn't do anything for our art form i'm sure

like they are able to make whatever quota they need to make but like it really fucking sucks when people don't want to be there for you it's miserable i would have much rather them cancel my weekend and just have a local person go up hell yeah you know they're not you know flying on a plane leaving their house uh spending money to be there so it's just like let them go up i didn't sell well let me know on wednesday that i didn't sell nothing and i but great we don't do it also my self-esteem uh works in a way where i can handle being told hey you didn't sell tickets i don't need to see that in person this doesn't have to be an exhibit just fucking report it to

me ahead of time like hey bro turns out nobody in Pennsylvania gives a fuck that you exist and I go thank you I'll work harder on Pennsylvania social media yeah I mean I fully agree with you tell me beforehand that doesn't hurt my it might sting but then like I didn't waste time yeah 100% I didn't have to get on, 100 percent. I didn't have to get on some weird early flight. I didn't have to stay in a terrible hotel or condo that I didn't really want to stay in. I didn't have to, you know, try to trick a lady into keeping company with me so that I don't feel alone in a way that I shouldn't feel. I should be able to make peace with myself. I don't have to make any of those questions, you know, feel whole in my head.

I can just stay home. Yeah, exactly. When you were on the apps and when you were out and about dating, what actually what did your wife what was something that she did that you were like, this is the woman I want to be with? Mm. I don't, I think she has a phenomenal patience for my, my humor and for my sensibilities that I think I appreciate very much. And she is a lot smarter than I am. And I was sort of, she's handier than I am. She fixes the stuff around the house in a way that I can't. And so I appreciate that. We played that. We both pointed this out in our vows, actually, but we played that that the 36 questions you ask a stranger to fall in love with them game. I don't know if you've heard of that or have have played it at all with another person. I haven't played it, but I've done it. Yeah. Or no, I've heard about it.

I've heard about it. I haven't played it, but I have played it. I haven't heard about it, but I've never heard of it. I've heard about it. You know, I've done it. It's my, I invented it. I wrote it. The game is mine and it goes longer, but they wouldn't let me publish it.

mine and it goes longer but they wouldn't let me publish it yeah we so we did that game and I think that that that really opened us up in a way that uh I probably haven't opened up with another person in the past even though you know in theory I have you think you fell in love with people and you're like sharing all of you but I don't think it wasn't it wasn't until sort of like getting in this super vulnerable place very early in our relationship that we sort of were both like oh okay i can just let all this shit down and be a my fullest self at all times um and see what that does oh so maybe i'll do that yeah the next time i go on a date with someone, I'll do the, what is it, 36 questions that make you fall in love with somebody? Yeah, something like that. Is it just on the internet?

Yeah, if you look it up, it'll pop up. I will say that we were both in a place, and this is more in retrospect than it is like knowing then, but we were just both in a place where we were very ready to be in a relationship and ready to move in that direction and so it wasn't it didn't feel like uh somebody you know asking you to do a thing that you're like i don't know if this is even who i want to be at the moment i'm kind of out here just trying stuff it was was like, no, I, I would like to be in a relationship. You would like to be in a relationship. So at, at worst,

we'll just find out we're not meant to be with each other instead of, you know, how did you find out about the 36 questions? Uh, I think we probably, we had been dating or did we had gone on a, a few, like probably like we had been probably dating for a month at that point um and i think just like googling and trying to come up with

cool shit to do that you you can only go to dinner so many times and ask how your day was kind of thing and so it's like oh boy i gotta figure out a way to keep engaging this lady uh and and make this spontaneous and fun and so apparently the new york times is where you turn i like that you were like i need to give her more than just how was your day at dinner i like that you found something else like that's i don I don't know, very cool to me. Okay, so there's three sets of questions. I don't know why I've heard of it but never looked at it. The first one is, given the choice of anyone in the world,

who would you want as a dinner guest? That's a good question. Yeah. I don't remember what my answer was. It's probably Andre 3000 if I'm in retrospect. He's 100% my favorite human on the earth. You know, this tracks for me. Yeah. No, the amount of jealousy that rages through my body

anytime somebody posts a picture of him playing flute at the Grove and then I didn't get to see him. And honestly, if I saw him, I don't even know what I would do. I probably would just be too shy to even say anything. But he, God damn, is he perfect. I wonder if there's a way you could figure out his flute schedule. I would love that. I don't know who I have to talk to to get his flute schedule,

but I want that more than anything. Maybe find out who his publicist is and be like do you happen to know when he's gonna play the flute again I love that he I love that he's too much of sort of like a social recluse to work as an artist to continue to make out gas music but he does check in with his publicist when he's going to the mall to play food. Hey, Susie, I'm going to be at the mall today.

So if anyone asks, it's today. Susie's like, okay, okay, okay. Let me call back everybody who's asked at Langston. Hello.

So it's today. It's today. He says it's today. Wait, what was your answer for? Why did you want to marry your wife i don't remember let's just say she's a nice lady a nice patient lady that's good with her hands let's just say that okay all right so i gotta be a good nice lady who's good with my hands to get somebody to love me back uh-huh i think you're

doing great you are a very nice lady i don't know how you are with your hands your ankles are terrible i'll be honest they're not good but that's not what that's not what saved my wife so maybe shitty ankles are fine and you just gotta you know fix a fix a carburetor and all right i'll fix a fucking carburetor do you remember in. I'll fix a fucking carburetor. Do you remember any bad dates you were on that were like, you were like, I don't think I want to continue dating people after this? Oh, yeah. I dated a girl.

I did that knowing look thing one time in a bar show in Brooklyn and ended up going on a date with a girl who she was older than me she was like probably like like seven years older than I was so it was like oh this is kind of cool I like an older lady I'm into this and we went out and this was pre-Trump this was like still I think like not even like closing out Barack's term type shit, but we got in an argument because she was fully trying to explain to me that women couldn't be president because of like your cycles disrupting your like mental capacity that like you were,

it would just throw you off too far emotionally to be able to handle it. And it was like, lady, look, I'm a misogynist. You don't have to convince me of anything, but this is too far. I'm not above. I'm not above the patriarchy. I benefit from it every day. But Jesus Christ, you're a monster. And that in a way was like, oh, this isn't fun.

and that that in a way was like oh i this isn't fun this is like people can be yucky in a way that i don't you don't want to keep trying to guess and figure out you're just sort of stuck with a a bad person and then a check afterwards that's wild for her to be like women can't be president we're too moody yeah it's just so wild because it's like every war has been started by a man every everything bad has been started by not everything bad but like a lot of stuff bad has been started by men that's so wild besides the trojan horse shit and uh honestly i don't know we still did the fighting wait the trojan horse shit yeah helen of troy i guess she was out here being a little thotty. And, you know, she was falling in love with guys on both sides. And you could argue that ultimately maybe she was the catalyst for the fighting that happened with, you know, with the Greeks, the people of Greece.

The Grecians. The Grecians. But again, she didn't do it. She was just out here trying to get hers. She was just a little horny. It happens. Yeah. Let's see, who would I start war on? I don't know.

But if I became president, I'd be like, okay, all the men have to date me. I guess that's not what a president does. I'm more of a dictator. Okay, I see what you're doing. Well, Langston, we've come to the end. I've enjoyed speaking with you. This was a pleasure. Thank you so much for doing this.

Also, I like your lumberjack jacket thank you so much it's nice my dad used to have one like that and uh it was nice to say anywho uh i usually i usually ask my guests this and i'm so proud of myself for not forgetting uh if you were not married would you date me of course i i feel like we would have a very silly time together yes in a way that uh i don't know that we're supposed to be together in fact i'm pretty sure we would drive each other crazy but we'd have a fun uh first date i think so yeah okay uh do you have anything you want to support no do you have do you have anything you want to support? No.

Do you have anything you want to promote? Well, support. We've got to stop breast cancer. We've got to get it out of here, folks. I don't have any charities that I would recommend, but I'm a big fan of titties. Let's solve the problem today. Breast cancer. I'm in support of stopping breast cancer, not in of spreading it that's not my thing uh as far as promotion i have a podcast

uh it's called my mama told me uh it comes out every tuesday it's very it's mostly about black people and the conspiracy theories that we believe and uh it's very fun and nicole has an episode coming up i did do one and it was very fun i can't wait to hear it and by hear it i'll never listen to it i don't listen to i don't listen to podcasts i can't do it that's fine i listen to a lot of them and it's not making me healthier people love them and i just can't i've tried to listen to them while i clean but then i'll like do something and then I'll get lost in the thought, just lost in the sauce.

And then I go, what are they talking about? And then I have to rewind it and then the same thing happens and then I just start like keep rewinding. It's really, it's really annoying. Anywho, if you like this episode of What Would You Say To Me, you can subscribe, you can like it on Apple Podcasts or something

and like Spotify or something and like spotify or something and if you write me something hitting on me and it's nasty i will read it so this person dm'd me and said this inspired a why won't you date me proposition i want to take the heirloom tomatoes slice them lay them on top of your naked body i'll drizzle you with the finest olive oil and i'll sprinkle some sea salt on you before sliding on top of you. We kiss deeply. Then I slide down and bite a perfect sliver of your salted and oiled homegrown tomatoes. I bring the piece back up to your lips.

You take a bite. You let out a, oh. I'm sorry. Did he write oh in the way that you said it or was it was just a oh oh so i i did it the way i say it sure uh that tomato is so good you grew it i slide up and down your body feeding each remaining slice of tomato each piece ending with a delicious and deep kiss this is like turning me on when we're finished with the heirlooms you're feeling wild proud of your bounty and uh at a peak of your bounty whoa this guy got weird right at the end a

little it is also not the end uh it's long when we're finished the heirlooms you're feeling oh yeah okay and at the peak of pleasure but we aren't done whoops my fantasy was too long for a photo okay so it continues here we're not done yet no i pull on one of the i pull one of the cherry tomatoes from your pussy how is it in me wait i thought it was just tomato slices i thought it's tomato slices too but apparently he has shoved cherry tomatoes in me wow so he pulls me out of my pussy i want you to hold it in front of you. You want it, but I wag my finger. Not yet. Then I reach back inside of you and pull out the perfect sphere of mozzarella, the same size as the cherry tomato.

You gasp. Of course I'm gasping. This is a magic trick. I make cheese now? Oh, shit. That means I'm sick. I pull it out of you and moan as i feed you a devil's caprese oh but what's that now you're slapping the bed while i rub your clit and pull out another

cherry tomato and another piece of mozzarella that's my treat i savor it before wow this is long before kissing you again while i pinch your oiled and salted nipples and i flip you over and fuck you doggy style you sneak out after i fall asleep you go home and water your tomato plants at 2 a.m i wake up alone with oily sheets wow this guy didn't believe in himself in the end no that's wild that i was just like well after you pulled a bunch of vegetables out of me and dairy i gotta get home you fold you pulled a whole pizza out of my body and uh i gotta leave i'll be honest here for this i gotta go home you're just not the one for me and i don't know what i don't know what's missing but it isn't here all right that's it bye This has been a Team Coco production.