Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Heckled Online and Offline (w/ Miel Bredouw)

Episode Date: May 3, 2019

"I hope my dad ate ass." Miel Bredouw (Punch Up The Jam podcast) joins Nicole to discuss online harassment, what it was like to 'date' on Vine and what kind of sex their parents would've been into. Nicole's developed a new technique to handle hecklers on the road, and has a running Twitter beef with John Cleese. She also shares the future of the podcast if she were to ever find a boyfriend. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you asked me to comb your hair every night before blowing you, I would do that. That's gotta be the most fucked up one you've ever done.

No! They're getting weirder and weirder. I'm running out of normal things that healthy people do. So today, my guest, oh boy! I asked her a hundred times how to say her name. Let's see if I can do it.

Meow, meow, meow, meow. No, it's Miel Bredel. No, Play-Doh, meow. No, it's Miel Bredel. No, Play-Doh. Miel Bredel. Miel Bredel. Miel Bredo. Yes! You got it! Ah, yes. A hundredth time is a charm. Miel Bredo, who hosts

Punch Up the Jam! Did I do it right this time? Perfect. Oh, boy. I'm really sorry. Don't be. I'm the one with the fucked up name. No, it is not a fucked up name. It's a lovely name. I'm going to charge my parents on Venmo

every time someone mispronounces it. I just have a very simple, stupid name. I wish that it was more interesting. Nicole Byer. It's very plain. It sounds like Alicia, what's your middle name?

Michelle. Yeah. Nicole Michelle Byer. Wow's very plain. It sounds like Alicia. What's your middle name? Michelle. Yeah. Nicole Michelle Byer. Wow. It fits perfectly. Thank you. That's something to be proud of. That's so nice.

I've always wanted a more interesting name that people fucked up because I love correcting people. And that's just a fun, easy way to be like, you're wrong. But Mielle, what a love. love i like your name it's very beautiful can you tell we're meeting for the first time right now uh probably my listeners are probably like she's not familiar with this person so let's see love your name love pump up the jam i know you i know this podcast i've seen you before when you see b i love everything about you. I'm so excited to be here.

Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming. Your eyeshadow is so nice. Thank you. Honestly, when I put it on, I was like, I wonder if she'll notice. It is. It's nice. I like an amber color, like an ambery, orangey, reddish color.

I think when done right, it looks just so stunning on people. Oh my God, me too. I feel like it's so underutilized in the palette. Okay, I'm glad we can agree on this. Here's something I know about you. Marissa told me, but I also saw it on Twitter because I follow you on Twitter now. You got into a fight with Barstool because they stole your content. Oh, yeah.

And then you got it successfully removed, but then they put it back up? Yeah, it's actually an ongoing legal thing I probably shouldn't talk about. Then that's fine. But yeah, the internet's truly the wild west of content creation right now. It really is. Which is fucking insane because it's 2019. Yes. How there's not like better rules in place to protect content creators or even comedians.

I mean, if your special goes up, who's to say it's not getting ripped in a thousand places? It's so fucking exhausting. I'm constantly, like I do a lot of colleges where they'll say, please keep your phones off, no pictures, no videos. And then I keep up, like after shows, I will check tagged photos and I'll swipe through if they have a bunch to see if they put up my content. Yeah. I will ask them.

I'll be like, hey, if if my content isn't out on a special I have released, it means it's not done. I'm workshopping it. So I'm working on it. I would love for you to take this down. And I try to say it in the nicest way possible. Do they? Yeah.

Wow. For the most part, people will apologize and be like, oh, I didn't know. And I think it's me explaining the process. Wow. For the most part, people will apologize and be like, oh, I didn't know. And I think it's me explaining the process. Right. Non-comedy people, I feel like maybe don't get that things take time to be shared. Yes. That like a half thought is a half thought that I'm just working out. And maybe in six months it will be a full-fledged joke.

And then you monetize it. Yes. And then I get my money. Then I get paid. Right. You posting it for free is not nice. It's terrible. Honestly, I'm surprised the internet hasn't destroyed the entire industry of stand-up comedy yet.

Let's try it. It's getting there. It is trying. The internet is such a baffling place. Over, well, I don't know when this is going to come out, a couple weekends ago I got into a Twitter fight with John Cleese I saw that! Would you care to explain yourself? I absolutely will

I've been dying to talk about it! Oh my god! So John Cleese of Monty Python a comedy legend a person with their own money. Richer than God.

A lot of money. He has 5 million followers on Twitter. He tweeted something that someone tagged me and was like, you're definitely talking about Nicole Byer. So he tweeted, a hugely likable and jolly young woman did a highly original routine based on the fact that she's so fat that she couldn't find her own pussy. My only disappointment was that when I approached Netflix in December I had not known that's the sort of material they were looking for. In December I visited Netflix to

pitch the idea of a special. They must have hated the idea because they never got back to me. Return my agent's phone calls or emails. Recently someone showed me one of the specials they did commission and it was very original. Dot, dot, dot dot i recommended camilla camilla cleese's daughter much too original for executives who are interested in female comedians who boost their social media figures with bikini shots oh john please what

the fuck and at first i was like is this compliment? Because it was worded so strangely. No. And I was like, no, this is not a compliment. And then I saw the bikini pic thing. And I was like, so not only did he watch my special, but he went down a rabbit hole on my Instagram to look at what I posted. And then when he was calling me original, he was being sarcastic. And can we unpack jolly? Well, yeah, he was calling me fat, which was being sarcastic. Uh-huh. And can we unpack jolly? Well, yeah, he was calling me fat, which is fine. Call me jolly. I don't give a shit.

At least come through the fucking front door. Yes. You could have just said a fat young woman was talking about how she couldn't find her. So I posted screenshots of that and then a picture of a bikini. You know, because I'm boosting my social media account. So then the next day he tweeted, Dear Nicole, if you are the lady that did that joke, you are adorable.

I have a hilarious routine about enormous prostates. You can have it if you can fit it into your act. Love, John Cleese. P.S. Someone told me the word jolly is condescending. English was their first language too. However, the word jolly has different connotations and local dialect. Blah, blah, blah. I don't understand how describing

someone as hugely likable and original can be described as tearing them down. And it's just like, okay, John Cleese, you know what you did. Absolutely! The ellipses? Yes. It was so intentional. Yes. And then I was like, if you were actually complimenting me,

you would have tagged me. Right! Or not, like, called, used you as a catalyst to, I guess, shade Netflix? Yes, and I'm in a grouping of other male comedians. I'm the only woman, I'm the only person of color in a group of four people that I'm sure he watched all four of them and was upset that that's so weird that you're the one that made him mad yes and I was like John Cleese I'm

on to you you racist bigot and then my friend Marcy was like have you ever watched Monty Python and I was like honestly no I haven't and she was like it's so funny that john cleese has seen your comedy yeah but you have not seen his comedy amazing like i fucking love it you've already won

also you made him look at your beautiful ass you won so long ago i mean i could i ago. I mean, I could, I... He's clearly very jealous of both your comedy and your ass. And my big fat ass. That sounds like a double win, honestly. It's one of those things where I'm like, if someone asked me two years ago if I would be in a... If John Cleese would subtweet me, I'd be like, no.

That would be wild. You fucking made it. That would be out of the realm of possibilities. I couldn't believe it. And then people were like, people really, nobody was in the middle. Everyone was like, John Cleese was right. He was complimenting her. Other people were like, no, no, no. He was very rude to her.

Extremely rude. Clearly rude. Can you not read subtext? I can't handle it. Yes. And then his daughter was like leave me out of this

to you or to him just to general people tweeting at her she was like I can't be held responsible for what my dad says I'm like yeah

but homegirl you could just tell your dad to take that shit down delete this shit or like tag me dear Nicole

if you're the comedian I'm talking about if well John there's no way to find out. It's not like Netflix logs what you've recently watched. My name is on my special. You're in your special. It's so bonkers.

I'm so sorry, but simultaneously congratulations. Thank you. This is huge. Thank you so much. Honestly, I was running out of ways to promote my special, and I was like, Thank you, John. This is great. Third episode of Comedians of the World still streaming on Netflix.

Guess what's not streaming? A John Cleese special. Anything since Fish Called Wanda. Never seen it. Tee hee hee. Not a lot of women. Let's just put it that way. I mean, because it was just, what, a man group?

It was men, yeah, it turns out. Men playing women. Oh, and that's just so funny, you know? I'd be interested to see Monty Python try to make comedy in 2019 and see how that goes for them. Well, he's trying, but Netflix won't return his calls to his agent or his manager. See, that's the funniest part about all this, is like, it's framed as if it's a rag on you.

And it's such a self-owned. It's like they won't return my calls. It's so wild. This jolly woman gets a special. This fucking fat ass talking about her pussy. No, no, no. It was a compliment, Nicole. It was a compliment.

See, I'm hugely jolly. The only other time I've been called jolly to my face was I was working in New York at this place called Elmo, which is a restaurant on 7th Avenue and 19th Street, I believe. And I worked there for one day. The manager and I who hired me, we had a great kiki. He was like, I love you. I showed up to work in a silver pleather skirt.

Was this not the type of place you wear this outfit to? I don't know. It's Chelsea. It's gay. It's a gay old place. Say no more. It's Chelsea. And I was a hostess. So like, let me look wild. And then the other manager was like, you're doing a good job.

I just think you're too jolly for this restaurant shut the fuck up sue his ass and also I was like 75 pounds smaller so like at that point I was like I'm too fat okay uh and I was fucking coded uh-huh fat phobic bullshit uh-huh I cannot believe they said that to your face. Yes, but then I started doing commercial work and I was like, oh, I'm too jolly for food. So like. Wait, I'm sorry. Hang on. What?

So I get why I was fired. It was because I am in the front of the restaurant. A fat woman is like, hello, would you like to eat here? I eat here. Do you want to be like me? Very fat. And then people are like, no, would you like to eat here? I eat here. Do you want to be like me? Very fat. And then people are like, no, thank you. I don't want it.

Excuse me. I'm just going to unpack that for a second. The food's so good in this theory that it made you fat, but you don't want to come here. Yes, because they want people to eat, overeat actually, because they want you to upsell things as a server, but they don't want to give away the illusion that you can eat whatever you want

without consequence oh okay so it's like the equivalent of the skinny girl on Instagram eating pizza and that's cute and funny and then the fat girl

it's like you should be more conscious of your health like Jennifer Lawrence can go on the red carpet and go oh my god I'm so hungry I want pizza

but like god forbid if like Chrissy Metz went on the red carpet and was like, I want pizza. They'd be like, we know. How are we still here? Because it's been 2000 years. It's been a very long time. I don't know.

It's very, we live in a very weird world where like people will post pictures with like their stretch marks and be like, I'm owning my stretch marks. And then people will be like, that is brave. That is so brave. Hashtag inspo. Such inspo. I mean, so I tagged me in a tweet recently.

tagged me in a tweet recently they were like um Nicole Byer and then a couple other plus size people have given me the inspiration to get a spray tan if they can show their big bodies to the world I can show my body to a skin therapist or whatever she called the spray tanning person and I was like skin therapist for sure like I had to sit down because I was like you're showing your body to one person and that took what listen I get it everyone's journey starts somewhere yes but what a weird thing to tag you in yeah it was a very strange thing to be tagged in because I was like well okay you're okay showing your body to somebody but you're still altering your body right yeah but then i'm also the school of do whatever the fuck you want to do to your body get plastic surgery get on a diet gain 100 pounds i don't fucking care as long as you love what you're doing yeah i mean i think that is where we all should be

at in a perfect world but like that doesn't stop you from tagging us in weird like maybe backdoor compliments yes i got tagged recently someone was like like, hey, hearing you, I'll punch up the jam and makes me realize how much I want to hate women. And it was a woman. And she was like, how much I want to hate women for being good at stuff. And then she goes through all the ways in which I pissed

her off. And then it's like, but it makes me see that's internalized misogyny and I need to work on that. So thank you. And I was like, you're saying good things. I just don't know that I needed to see them. I'll say this time and time again. Everybody should get into therapy. That's something you tell your therapist.

You don't tag a person and tell them that you want to hate women and that you made them specifically angry. Well, and then I made her realize. I don't know how I did it personally. What was different about me than the other thousands of women that have presumably made you hate women throughout your life? angrily angry. Well, and then like I made her realize I don't know how I did it personally. What was different about me than the other thousands of women that have presumably made you hate women throughout

your life? I don't know. I also begged to do I don't think women have made her hate women. Right. I mean, she did say

eventually that it was internalized misogyny, but I'm like, talk to the men. Talk to the men who thank you who made you feel this way.

But it's just so much easier to be like girl talk they used to hate you a girl wrote my fucking yearbook hey i'm so glad i got to know you even though everyone said you were such a bitch it was supposed to be a nice thing i was like girl i didn't need to know everyone thinks i'm a bitch. We live in a time where people feel like their opinion matters at all times. I feel like it's because of Facebook, those whole statuses that you put out into the world. I feel like people

you do comedy. Do you do stand-up? Not much. I prefer to stay behind the wall of the internet. It's much easier for me. Oh yes, because you did Vine. Oh, yes. I do stand up live and people like to yell at me. Yeah, I was at the last Power Violence show.

I witnessed that. Have you talked about that publicly? Because that was wild. I may have talked about it, but this was the craziest heckle I've ever gotten. Can you even call it a heckle? I don't know what that was. Yes, this is what people do to me. Like when I'm on the road,

people will say full sentences to me. They will say a thought that they had in the moment. So now I start my shows by letting them yell at me. Nicole. No. Don't give them that. moment so now I start my shows by letting them yell at me Nicole well then I say we don't ever have to okay so people love to yell nailed it at me oh and people started yelling nailed it at punchlines and I'm like well now we're all just being redundant because I know I nailed it because it's a it's a it's a punchline so I let them yell nailed it at me. I think I do it now like six times until it dwindles,

and I go, we're all sick of it now, right? So we don't ever have to say it again during the show at all. I will be angry, okay? Angry. That makes me so upset that people do that to you. It is a trip. Do you feel like everyone gets treated that way? No.

Do you follow comics? I've spoken to Sashir Zameda, one of my dear friends, and I call her almost every weekend saying, I think this is it. I'm done. I think I quit comedy. I don't think I'm going to tour anymore. These people are trying to break me. When I was in Seattle, someone nailed it at a punchline, which gets like an audible groan,

and I know it, but I have a tag that fixes it and makes everyone feel better and on the same page okay it's an abortion joke and I was not expecting that and I figured out how to make it a little bit more palpable

for people right because you're a professional yes and before I got to that moment this girl was like nailed it and I laid down

on the stage and I was like I told you not to do that I was like I want to throw you down the stairs and scream nailed like, I told you not to do that. I was like, I want to throw you down the stairs and scream, nailed it. You're going to lose your shit. Yes.

And deservedly. People don't understand because to them, this is the first time it's happened. Right. Because this is the first time they're witnessing it. Right. No one has any sense of empathy to maybe imagine being you for a second. Yes, but this power violence show, I

am telling, it is a ten minute long Disney joke. I get three or four minutes into it, and this lady comes up and she was like, you! Or no, them! And I was like, me? Who? And Whitmer, and I can't remember the other dude's name were on stage.

They're two white dudes. Clay, I think. And this nice older Hispanic lady was like, they're guilty. I was like, of what? And she's like, they're white. And I was like, oh, well, all right. And then I tried to go on, but I was like, well, this is my set now. You handle it as well as anyone could have, but she would not shut the fuck up. She wouldn't shut up. She thought

she was part of the bit now. She sure did. She also had a man with her. Who was doing nothing. Nothing to squash this. Nope. And then she announced she was Mexican. She lived in Silver Lake. She was not a maid. No. Very proudly not a maid.

Yes. She drank a lot of wine at dinner. She sure did. She spent more at dinner than normally she would, but she drank the same amount, but she can because she's a millionaire. And she just kept repeating this over and over. You were so kind to her. It was honestly unbelievable.

I wanted to yell at her for you, and you just were like, okay, sis, whatever you need. Well, it's also so funny that when this happens at shows, it's almost as if someone screamed fire and nobody moves. Right. Like, nobody wants to help the situation.

Yes. Because they're just like, I don't, someone else will do it. I guess she's handling it. And several times I was like, Whitmer, is this a plant? Because it's one of those shows, it's an alt show, where they have audience plants and they'll fuck with the comics. No, they ended the show by giving each other tattoos and breaking vases on stage. Yeah, that's...

It wouldn't be past them. No, it wouldn't. But Whitmer, truly, his face was just like, no, this lady is not part of the show. I could see him apologizing to you from the stage. Oh, boy. And then she left after my set. Oh, it was just for you, sweetie? It was just for you. It was all for me, baby. I don she left after my set. Oh, it was just for you, sweetie? It was just for you.

It was all for me, baby. I don't know. You're welcome. What it is about me. My therapist seems to think that I have an openness to me. It's inviting to other people's crazies. Yes. Because if I'm on the street and there's a crazy person, there could be a hundred people.

You know that Lady Gaga meme? There's a hundred people in the room and 99 don't believe in you. If there's a hundred people on the street, 99 are sane and one is insane, that insane person will find me. Oh, absolutely. And I do not.

Or if there's one of you and 99 insane people, they'll all find you. Yes, they'll all find me and be like, you are the leader. I think there's one of you in 99 Insane People, they'll all find you. Yes, they'll all find me and be like, you are the leader. I think there's something so disarming about a candid, blunt woman. And I can only imagine even more so as a black woman, as a fat woman, just being confident. That's such, the audacity. I feel like people must just pick up on that and be like, great, my turn.

They're like, ah, she's got the power. I have the power. I would love some of what you have. And also you've inspired me to be crazy, if I may. I quit comedy after that show. I wouldn't blame you. That was fucked up. That was truly fucked up.

I was furious. Yeah, and I didn't get to finish. No, your whole set got derailed and then you just had to sheepishly walk off stage. Yeah, I was like, well, oh no, I got off stage because she had said something. She had said white people were all guilty and bad. I mean, not totally wrong.

No, not totally wrong. And then I was like, you know where you are, right? All these people are white. And then she was like, yeah, yeah okay and then she said something else and i said that's why they want to build a wall and then the audience went oh and i was like they turned on you i was like that was a perfect joke based on what she just said about all of you people yes i was like fuck all of you no no white people get very sensitive to jokes about themselves they hate it but they love this woman heckling me uh that was and it happens all the time i was in tempe arizona and this woman shannon uh she we talked after the show so i love shannon but i was doing a joke

about uh the movie what men want and i was like what is that movie? And she went, truck beer. And I was like, what? She was like, truck beer. Trump beer? She was trying to say trucks and beer, that's what men want. And I was like, Shannon, why did you think that was appropriate to y'all? And she was like, I don't know. So I was like, you want attention? What did you do today?

And she was like, uh. She answered it and then I asked her another question and she was like, no. And I was like, I asked her another question and she was like, no. And I was like, oh, you don't like this. You wanted attention but you don't like this. And she was like,

no. I was like, I'm going to go on Shannon. She went, okay. I started again and Shannon started talking again. I said,

Shannon, you just shut up. Okay, what would happen? I mean, I'm sure you've done this but just for my own curiosity, if you just ignored

and powered through. I can't. You just can't. No. For your sake or because they won't shut up they won't shut up what the fuck they all keep talking and then and the venues do nothing well no for that one someone like approached shannon i was like oh no shannon's fine we're talking and then i met shannon after the show and shannon was great yeah but she ruined

your fucking show having a night out no because then I checked in on Shannon like every couple jokes. I say, Shannon, are you still there? Okay, so you made it work. Yeah. See, but this is like, I mean, on one hand, yeah, you're like, this is making me like a stronger comic. However, you come from an improv background. I'm not sure you need more practice there. Then on the other hand, it's like the amount of, I mean, maybe too strong a word, but like emotional labor that you're having to do on top of your actual job is exhausting even to hear about.

I'm really sorry. It's okay. I don't know. I mean, is it okay? No, but I don't know how to remedy it. Just continue getting TV famous, and you'll never have to do live shows again. I mean, well, no, I'll always do live shows

because there's a sickness inside me that needs instant gratification. But in Huntsville, I don't think I... Alabama? Yeah, I went to Huntsville and best shows I've ever had. Really? Yeah. Nashville had great shows. Hung out with my friend Gary from Twitter.

I met this man over Twitter. Shout out Gary from Twitter. I love Gary. But in Huntsville, I had the best show I've ever had. And during the announcements, I had the manager say, heckling's not allowed. Even if you think it's a compliment or a thought you want to get out, that's not allowed.

You have to be quiet unless you're spoken to. Does everyone get that preface? No, but I think I might have to start doing that at all of my shows. It worked. It did. Nobody yelled anything at me. Wow. And I do do crowd work. If you just wait 35 minutes, I will

talk to you. You are a comedian. I will ask you things. If I notice you were in something wild, I will talk to you about it. And it'll probably be funnier than the bullshit you were going to yell out. Yes, because you're a professional comic. It's not a hard concept. No, but a lot of times it's people's first shows.

Ever? Ever. Comedy show? Sometimes people will tweet at me. They're like, I've never been to a comedy show before. Oh, so you're flipping people. A little. Huh.

That's special in its own way. Wild. Exhausting. Yeah. So, meow, we have to take a break. And we're back. Great ass.

We've talked a whole bunch about comedy. Can we talk about relationships? I mean, if we must. Are you single? No, I've been in a relationship for four fucking years. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's nice. I don't know. Oh, no. It's a good relationship. It just feels embarrassing to say I've been in a relationship for four years. But why? It makes me feel like a sick person. But why? I just don't view stability like that in a good way.

Oh. It feels domestic. Okay. And it makes me feel weird. Do you guys live together? We do. How long have you lived together? Two and a half years.

Okay. Yes. I mean, you, yes, you're domestic. It's very domestic. Do you do each other's laundry? I do his, yeah, no, we do. We do. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. That's domestic bliss. Do you cook for each other? I cook for him, but he washes my things. So, like, it's intimate. He washes your things. Period panties. Oh.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I don't use things. How are they? I'm not going to say, like, is great because boy, that company has some problems. But menstrual underwear in general, massive game changer. I don't understand how they don't leak. Because they're like space fibers.

I don't know. They're like plastic. You cannot dry them. They will not work if you dry them. But if you don't dry them, just wash them. It's so easy. They absorb into like, I don't know, the netherworld. It just doesn't go anywhere.

It doesn't get on your pants. It doesn't get on your legs. You don't have to worry about leakage all day. If you have irregular periods, it's a fucking dream. I've derailed us again. I'm sorry. Interesting. I doubt they come in fat lady sizes because if you didn't know this,

fat ladies deserve nothing. Someone does. If you didn't know this, fat ladies deserve nothing. Did you know that the morning after pill doesn't work for fat women? I did because of Shrill. I knew this and I always took two. And I think it was a pharmacist in New York who told me. Like a nice pharmacist was like, this won't work for you. Just so you know, this only works up to 150 pounds and I don't want to assume

your weight, but you might want to take two. And I said, thank you. Did anyone else bother to tell you that? No, just a very kind pharmacist. That's fucked up. I have a nice, warm, open face, so I think he was like, this round-faced cherub. Her hair

looks wild. I don't think she could have a baby. I'm going to let her know. And thank you to the pharmacist. I think it was the Dwayne Reed on 72nd Street. Shout out, friend of the pod, Dwayne Reed. Thank you, Dwayne Reed on 72nd. Plan B, get in on this.

Yeah, it's a lot of things. I also had a really hard time finding knee pads. No. Yeah, it's a lot of things are not. I also had a really hard time finding knee pads. No. Yeah. Like, uh, knee pads? The Nike volleyball ones only go up to an XL, and those were super tight. So then I went on Amazon, and I found this like, it's like a foam knee

brace support thing, which I don't know if it's going to actually work for me. I started pole dancing. I'm fully invested in it. But does it have, like, the hard cup on your knee? It doesn't have a hard cup, no. Are your knees going to be okay? Well, so far, so good.

I have a little bruise. I have one bruise on my leg that won't go away, and my knees feel okay. I just have to, like, stretch when I get home a little bit more. Can we circle back to the one bruise that won't go away? Yeah. You just breezed right past that. Yeah, I have this like

perma bruise. A perma bruise on my leg. Nicole. Hmm? Please get that checked out. Um. Or a tattoo to cover. One of two ways.

But it's right on the front of my shin. I don't like tattoos on my shin. Huh. But you have one on your ass. Sure do. What is it about the shin?

I don't know. I'm really, I'm very on your ass. Sure do. What is it about the shin? I don't know. I'm really, I'm very particular about tattoos. Like the last tattoo I got, I was like, I'm running out of space. And he was like, you have so much space. I was like, well, I don't want like my back filled. I don't want my arms filled. I like to be able to be, okay, so I'm wearing jeans and I'm wearing a t-shirt and my arms are down and you can't see any of them

no but if I do this you can see them it's like a fun surprise yeah yeah so that's do you have any tattoos zero oh would you ever get one yeah I only want to go to like a really cool artist and I keep changing my mind about who I think the cool artists are okay it's like the most

pretentious stance you could have on tattoos. Fair. I have a girl. She is, her name is, the shop is called Rabble Rouser and her name is what is her dang name?

Marissa, do you have the internet over there? Rabble Rouser. Marissa's my faithful producer who's not on the mic. One of these days, what if we found out about Marissa's dating life? I've asked her to do the podcast and she turned beet red. Oh my God, Marissa. Yes, Alana Maglin. She's the one who did, she's done a bunch of my tattoos.

I really like her. I think she's great. She recently did, I added on to my butt tattoo. I had a lollipop, an ice cream cone, and a cupcake, and it said it's sweet. Just taste it because I thought it was funny. It is funny. I still think it's funny. It is funny.

Then I added a hamburger and a hot dog, and it says, stick it in these buns. Okay, can I ask, this is your podcast. I don't mean to assume. Can I ask what the reception usually is for a partner seeing that for the first time? None. What? No one's ever been like, thanks for the literature. No one's ever said anything?

No. I can't believe, are you kidding? They really haven't? Not one person. That's fucked up. Nicole, this whole episode is just about me getting angry on your behalf. I know. I would be amazed by that.

Me too. I would be so excited about that. I'd be like, tee hee hee, this bitch is funny. If you ate ass and there was a tattoo right next to it that said it's sweet, taste it. That's hilarious. I just, and I've gotten tattoos while I've had

partners where we were having sex multiple times. I had like return customers. And the most I've gotten is me going, I got a new tattoo. Did you notice? And them going, yeah.

And I'm like, okay. Okay, so you fucking dropped all of them, right? Well, that's bullshit. I dropped, no, one was like a, no, I dropped him. And the second one, he dropped me. Why? Why would anyone ever do that um I think I tend to like

people more than they like me but that's on them again I don't understand what the problem with you is oh I've listened to a lot of episodes of this podcast and I have not figured it out me either that's why we're still going do Do you have a boyfriend? Because I saw you just tweeted about that. No, that was on April Fool's Day. Okay, that was a joke. I wasn't sure because I was like, maybe this is like coded and she actually does and she's pretending it's a joke. No, I'll

read to you the tweet because a bunch of people were like, oh no. Also, I have a joke in my act where I talk about my boyfriend and it's long. It's like a 15-minute joke. And this girl tweeted at me. She was like, I was listening to it, and I was grinning and trying to be happy for you,

but all I could think about was your podcast. So I'll say it here. When I fucking find someone, I'm not going to stop doing my podcast. Right. Oh, crrr. Oh, crrr. Oh, oh, okay. It says you do that perfectly. I mean,

just call me Cardi C. So it says happy two day anniversary to my boyfriend. I hashtag love you very much because we've been through so little because we just started dating tea, but I'm sure our journey will be a hashtag long one. Heart emoji, heart emoji. You are a bright star in my life and the lighter fluid to my fire. Hashtag love.

I thought that was very clearly a joke. And a lot of people were like, congrats. Okay, but coming from you, I wasn't sure. I guess it is kind of hard to. Sometimes I'm like, I don't know if you're kidding or not. I can't tell okay so if you get a girlfriend or boyfriend and you keep doing the podcast yes do you think that you're gonna talk about your ongoing sexual exploits with a person like no no so since I

started doing the podcast I've only dated one person kind of seriously and I have only told two stories about them and I told them that I told stories about them and I have only told two stories about them and I told them that I told stories about them and I said to him, I was like, I will, if I talk about you,

I'll let you know. Also, I'll ask you beforehand. Yeah, that seems like the only thing you can do. Yeah. And that was like

a nice understanding that we had. Yeah. But like anybody that like I don't care about, I'll talk about you. No, that's not nice. But I know what you mean. There's like a level of intimacy where you're like, I need to.

It's like around the same time I feel like you get monogamous. You're like, okay, so I can't really talk about you flippantly anymore. We've gotten too serious for that. Yes. And I think the only way I would talk about somebody that I was emotionally invested in seriously is if we'd been together for like six, seven, eight months to like

a year. Well, you want to make sure you're out of like the danger zone. Well, yes. And I read somewhere that you don't really know someone until about like a year in or like eight months in or something like that. Who said that? I don't know. The internet. Who fucking said that? I'm always Googling. Have you found that to be true? I've never

Well, the one person I dated on and off for like three years. No. I never got to know him. I don't. I could tell you his mom's name. I could tell you where he like grew up. But like I do not know very many. Like his favorite food. Don't know.

His like childhood best friend. Don't know. Oh wait. No. I do know. Okay many. Like his favorite food. Don't know. His like childhood best friend. Don't know. Oh wait, no, I do know. Okay, you know what? Yeah. Out of a thousand. I don't know very much about him because I didn't like being around him and. Then why did you see him for that long?

Because it was a very toxic thing where it was like, it was before I got into therapy and I was like. They always are. Truly. I was like, this person is not't is not a dream he's not a treat he's very bad but he's the person who keeps returning and and I chased him and he's letting me chase him oh wait he's dating somebody else he didn't tell me okay uh but you put up with all of it because you were like but he's the one for me well I was just like, nobody else wants it, but I had thrown Oh, that's so sad! I had just thrown

so much attention to him that I didn't have any attention to give anybody else. Yes. And you could not possibly start again. Yes. You were too drained. And I was like, one of these days, he's gonna realize

what he has. That's the thing about, like, I don't know if that's true with same-sex relationships but at least with male-female I feel like it's so often like the guy's like I'm not fucking interested at all

I'm giving you every indication but the fact that I keep coming around is the only thing you focus on and you use that as evidence

to support your fucking claim that like eventually he's gonna see like this 400th time I have sex with him at 3 a.m on a tuesday night this is gonna be the time yes and it never was the time and then he did say he like loved me at one point but it was because i was doing something for him and i was like

something sexual no oh thank god he was sick and i brought him something and it was it was just like one of those things where like a light bulb went off in my brain I was like oh you don't love me you love that I'm doing something for you attention and then anytime I would get like angry with him he'd be like but I love you and I was like well this is manipulative yeah and then one time I was like you said you love me, do you? It was just a bad conversation that we were having in public at a restaurant. And you said you said you loved me. Yeah, I was like, you said it. And you said it this time and this time.

What did you mean by that? You called him out, though. Yeah, but then it was like one of those things where he was manipulative and he was just like, well, I do love you. And here's why. And blah, blah, blah. And I was like, of those things where he was manipulative and he was just like well I do love you and here's why and blah blah blah and I was like oh all right I believe you for the 4,000th time and I never said it back to him and it didn't bother him because he didn't love me he didn't give a fuck about you no man I was I'm so sorry and I also am like deeply reminded of when I was 19 I moved to LA I was dating a man that was 30 and had lived in LA and I had known since childhood so not at all creepy not at all like a weird power dynamic yes sarcasm but eventually when

that blew up I was in therapy and I was like I think he's just like the love of my life and I need to keep fighting for this and she was, so there's a difference between love and addiction. And I think you're merely addicted to him. And it truly changed my life. She's like, I was like, how do you know the difference? And she was like, love can feel satiating. You can get enough of it and be like, great. I saw you for two days, kind of ready to get back to my life right now.

See you in a few more. Let's have some fun. Addiction, you're like, I saw you for two days kind of ready to get back to my life right now see you in a few more let's have some fun addiction you're like I need them every second of every day and I honestly consistently going back through my toxic relationships I'm like oh that's true for all of them there anytime there's addiction involved it's probably not a good relationship yeah but it took me way too long to figure that out. Well, it's hard because people don't talk about shit like that. Never. Parents will get divorced. You hear, it didn't work out. And you're like, well, what?

What didn't work out? What didn't work out? Was it a toxic relationship where one of you wasn't good to each other? And it's like, it's okay to tell your children that. I don't know. They should know. They should know why it didn't work out. And then it's like, it's not your fault.

Well, obviously, it's not my fucking fault. I'm a kid. What the fuck did I do? I didn't climb in a bed. I didn't do that. Every time we tried to have sex, you came running in the room. And it ruined our marriage. Honestly, I did do that.

Did you? On purpose? I don't know if it was on purpose. But any time my parents went into their room and the door was locked, I would jangle that knob. I would start pounding. I would be like, let me in. They'd be like, go away. And then I'd sit there and be like, but why can't I come?

I did the exact same thing. Well, it was because they were like, they're having secret fun. I want to have the secret fun. In my head, I was like, they have cake in there. Yes. I want that cake. Or they're like playing Barbies or something. And like, there's a good storyline happening.

Okay, but did you ever figure out how to pick the lock? No. Because I fucking did. Wow. Those locks with like the slit. You just stick the end of a butter knife in there and turn it And now the door's open Have you ever caught your parents having sex?

Listen, I don't want to say definitively yes Because then it's true This is like a Schrodinger's cat thing Like I would way rather just let it be a mystery But I'd say it's very possible Fair Yes I didn't get to catch them

Didn't get to? Rats What were you hoping to see? Oh, I mean, as a child, I think I was hoping to see them, like, eating cake and playing Barbies. In a way. As an adult, like, getting down. I hope my dad ate ass. I hope my dad ate ass.

I hope my dad went down to my mom. And these are things I'll never know because they're dead. See, that, I mean, maybe one of the many tragedies of having dead parents is you never can ask them, what was your favorite position? And I saw a medium and I never thought to ask him that. You got to go back. I got to go back and be like, did my daddy eat us? I mean, I feel like if you're his daughter, the answer is probably yes. Oh, I don't know. My sister is very religious and very quiet. She went on a date with a man. I don't know. My sister is very religious and very quiet. What? She went on a date with a man. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but, like, we were talking.

She was like, yeah, I had a second date with this guy, but, like, I had the stomach flu and I wasn't feeling good. And I was like, why didn't you cancel? And she's like, because I canceled twice before. And I was like, oh, well, did you guys, like, make out? She was like, we made out, like, the time before. And he kept trying to shove his tongue in my mouth. So then I unclenched my teeth. And was like, if your tongue must be in here, I guess it can be in here.

Why is she 65 years old? I don't know, but I cackled so hard. I was like, Catherine, he was trying to French kiss you. And she was like, I know, but like. But down in America, it was our first kiss and I just. And I was like, Catherine, I fuck people after meeting them. She wanted like a dry mouth asshole, no tongue kiss. I guess.

I don't know. Catherine, have you had her on the pod yet? No, people keep asking for her. I have so many questions. I have so many questions. First of all, how? Second of all, why? I don't know.

She's a very straight as an arrow gal. Are you younger? Yes. Okay. I feel like that's probably part of it. I came a year and a half into her existence and ruined her life. That's our job. Younger sisters, we're going to fuck your shit up.

You're welcome. Truly. Like, I came in loud as fuck and was like, nobody pay attention to her. I am here now. I am superior. I am younger.

I am more beautiful. Uh-huh. Well, she's prettier than me. She's, like, five foot nothing. Wait, do you think being short's good? I wish I was a little shorter. Shut the fuck. How tall are you?

5'7". I would kill to be 5'7". Really? Yes, I am 5'4", and I am known as a short person. I like 5'4", 5'5". I think that's like a good height. Yeah, it's great if you're trying to sleep in half bent over a tray table on a plane. It's perfect for that.

Otherwise, I can't reach anything. People feel like they're allowed to pick me up. Stepstools. You know how degrading it is to be a 30-year-old woman having to use a stepstool? I use a stepstool in my closet. In your closet? I have to use a stepstool to get a cup down. I have to climb on the counter like a child to reach the Tupperware drawer.

That's fun. You're whimsical. Yeah, it's fun in theory. In practice, my knees hurt. I've broken so many cabinet poles from climbing on them like steps. Fair. We all have problems. Wait, do people just pick you up?

Less now that I'm like so outwardly self-respecting, but before, absolutely all the time. And middle school was very trendy to like pick me up and make me do like a full cartwheel without my consent. Yeah, I think there's something about like tiny women that people are like, oh, a toy, fun. And I'm like, I understand the plight of like being a large woman either horizontally or vertical. But at the same time, I'm like, right. I would also a little bit love to just not get thrown around like a rag doll.

I don't understand why anybody is touching lemons. It's definitely died down in the late aughts. Yeah. People will sometimes poke me. It happens less now. But like after shows, sometimes people will like poke me and be like, good show. And I'm like, ow. Okay, a poke is always violent. I don't care if I know you don't ever poke yeah don't poke me don't touch just don't tell I mean even like a hand on the shoulder I would take a hundred to want to poke yes a poke can bruise first of all yes second of all violent gesture third of all Facebook ruined it yes Ruined it. Yes. Yes. I was doing, I do meet and greets at shows.

And I was doing a meet and greet. And I put my arm around this lady. And then I was trying to put my arm around the gentleman she was with. And he went, no. And I went, oh, I'm sorry. And he was like, I'm not trying to get me too'd. And I was like. Oh, my great God.

He said that to you. Yeah, you yeah i said well that's not okay that's how this works my arm is around this woman and then my other arm was very close to my body so this man didn't get me too like in his brain i was like what are those step of events well first of all you're not famous sir no. No. But like, what? You tag me in the picture and I go, he violated me. Like, what? Your arms around him. Yeah, it was a very confusing thing.

But then I was like, oh, maybe he was doing a joke. But truly, he did not touch me. So like, I don't think he was doing a joke. I mean, like, low key, a small win. I do not like having to touch people at meet and greets. But I get that it's like par for the course. You do meet and greets. Yeah, like after live shows. Yes, like, low-key, a small win. I do not like having to touch people at meet and greets, but I get that it's, like, par for the course. You do meet and greets. Yeah, like, after live shows.

Yes, yes, yes. Or, like, one time at VidCon. That was crazy. How is, how are cons? Well, my experience was Vine brought me to VidCon as, like, a featured creator. And so there was, like, a whole, like, two-hour slot where, like, people line up to meet you. Okay. And that is fucking wild.

I'm not sure if this would be the same with your demo, probably, but like people are like violently shaking and crying. They're so excited to meet you. And then like sometimes they have gifts and I don't know if you're supposed to open them in front of them or do you just like toss them in a box? And then sometimes there's like, if it's a good one, there'll be like a security person who keeps the line moving because otherwise

the onus is on you to keep the conversation yes getting ended quickly so wait you did two hour meet and greets yeah at vidcon that's crazy yeah at podcon we did one too but i think that was only like an hour and that was short and sweet. PodCon. Is that just where people go to listen? I guess. I think they advertise it as like, come and learn how to do your podcast. But it's very much like fans of podcasts. I think anyone that went thinking they were going to get like a marketing lesson was probably sorely disappointed.

Because it was like, listen to my brother, my brother and me or punch the jam or welcome to Night Vale. And then like, I felt like we were very much the ugly stepchild of like, these are real podcasts and we're just fucking idiots that yell into a microphone. You're a real podcast on a real network. Okay, thank you. I do need to hear that. Heck, I'm this real. It's true.

We were just sorely underrepresented at PodCon. I would have killed for you to be there, honestly. I've never even thought of going to a con. Well, it doesn't make sense necessarily unless that's like directly contributing to your career goals. But like the thing is being a digital creator, oftentimes it's like contractually obligated. So there'll be like a brand deal that involves a meet and greet. Fair. I don't know how to explain the internet culture to people that aren't. so there'll be like a brand deal that involves a meet and greet fair I don't know how to explain the internet culture

to people that aren't involved it makes sense it's not even internet if you do a deal with a brand a brand negotiates stuff that they want you to do like host an event or do a meet and greet or you could do a certain amount of spots a certain amount of posts

a certain amount of talking about a certain amount of posts, a certain amount of like talking about it on something, like a weird interview. Brands have a very interesting way of like their marketing research and how they like relay it to the creator or the person. They still think hashtags are necessary. And I get that they are for their tracking purposes. But to think that like any average internet consumer is like clicking through like hashtag, I don't to shout out anyone's but like a like hashtag roland vt3 like no one's fucking looking at that man i just learned that hashtags group things together what did you think they were i didn't know i thought people were just like hashtag isn't it cool i did not know until i like clicked on a hashtag maybe a year and a half ago and was like, whoa.

Do you think that the generation growing up now even knows that it's also a pound sign? No. It's only a hashtag, huh? Yes. Because I feel like on automated systems, I don't know if they say pound. I guess they, well, they say hashtag, click hashtag six to speak to a representative. Oh, maybe they don't. Maybe it's just numbers.

I don't know. I've only talked to any. The future is so upsetting. The future is very curious. Like, this man at the pharmacy, because I've been sick. So I went to go get medicine yesterday. And this man at the counter was like, yeah, my birthday is 1990. And I was like, 1990?

Sir. How old is he? Why would he tell you that? Oh, he didn't tell me. I was eavesdropping. He was getting an ointment. He wasn't even a pharmacist. No, he was a customer getting an ointment.

I think his dick may have been on fire or something because he kept moving the front of his jeans. You were watching this man trying to get dick ointment and you overheard him say he was born in 1990 Also, he had a relationship with the pharmacist So I said, maybe this sir needs to use condoms Anyway, because we're in 1990, that means he's 28 And I was like, this is crazy

I feel so old Wait, when were you born? 89 I'm very close Yeah, but still 80s and I'm okay with it. That's how I feel. I know it doesn't make any sense, but when someone's like, I'm born in 90, I'm like, oh, that's too soon. Right?

I'm one year apart, but somehow being in the 80s makes me feel better about it. People born in the year 2000, next year will be 20. People born in 19, I'm not good at math. I don't know why I tried to do this. 1990. No. 1999. Wait. No. 1999. Wait.

Yes. People born in 1998. I can drink now is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Okay. So people born in... Yeah. 1997?

Wait. Eight. Eight. I don't know. Nicole, listen. Eight. Because it's 2019. So 1998.

We're funny. We don't need to be smart. Exactly. it's 2019. So 1998. We're funny. We don't need to be smart. Exactly. I didn't go to college. We're beautiful. It's hard. I refuse to go to college. That's the way to do it, honestly.

We save your fucking money. We've talked nothing about relationships. No, I'm sorry. Okay, listen. I love to fuck. 69 is tight. Let's just last power hour. Fuck is great.

69 is tight. I'd date you. Tinder looks great. Never used it. That's nice. So is tight. I'd date you. Tinder looks great. Never used it. That's nice. So you've never had to use dating apps? Unless you count Vine. Did you date people from Vine?

I mean, not date, but like fuck around with. Yeah, quite a lot. That was fun. Man, are you kidding? The best game to play is trying to get someone to slide in your DMs through just sheer power of will. You don't want to be the first to DM. But if you can just kind of finagle the situation so that they end up hitting on you, you win.

I'm dying for someone to slide into my DMs that I want. That I want. Because people will slide in there and sometimes they're like, I live in North Dakota and I only speak to my dog. And I'm like, I don't think that's going to work in my favor. So if you live in Southern California, you're over the age of 28 and you can look in the mirror and say,

I think the coal buyer would like this. You slide into my DMs. Oh, that makes me sound very vain. No. Why? That does not. You sound like you know what you want. There's nothing vain about that.

Well, I just want someone who is attractive to me. Yeah, but. They don't have to be conventionally attractive because I've loved some uggos. I've looked at some ugly men and said, they're for me. Yeah. I mean, same. I think we all have because we're good people and we don't go off what people fucking look like,

first and foremost. I went out with this one guy where his pictures were fucking terrible. And then I met him in person and I spent maybe the first 20 minutes of our date being like, are you cute? And then I looked at him and I was like, oh, I think you are cute. And then he, like, really laid it on thick and I was like, are you trying to fuck me?

It was just like, I was having, like, a mini crisis, like, the whole time. But, like, that's the thing about, like, social media is, like, someone, A, can be super hot in their Instagram pictures and then not in real life. And you're like, what happened? Is this Facetune at angles? I don't know how you're doing this. Do you have a softbox on your phone? And then conversely, they can have such bad social media presence that it makes you not want to even go on a first date. And then when you see them in real life, you're like, wait, you're actually chill and gorgeous.

Why are you so bad at Instagram? Some people are really bad at Instagram? Some people are really bad at Instagram and some people are really great at life. I think there might be a correlation. Maybe. I think that's why online dating is so hard to find good people. I agree because it's very easy to present yourself one way and then be just like a nightmare in person.

Yes. Or just like ugly in all your pictures. And then like gorgeous and funny and wonderful and caring. And the person I thought I was going to spend the next chunk of my life with. But then you said, no, thank you. And I go, okay. So I think about you for a little bit longer. And I'd be a little bit sad.

I just want to see if we can get you to cry. Not today. Not today. Try again. Specifically because I'm wearing a wig. I have makeup on. And I showered. Last night I put on my retinol treatment right before I tried watching Queer Eye.

Who's retinol? What? What's that? Who's retinol? Nicole! What is it? Who is it? retinol treatment right before I tried watching Queer Eye. Who's retinol? What? What's that? Who's retinol? Nicole! What is it? Who is it? Retinol is the skincare product that keeps your skin looking young forever.

Oh, sorry. I have blackness. No, it works on all types of skin. No, no. The black will keep me young. Oh, right. That is also true. The melanin.

Yeah, you probably don't have the issues I have. However, it is a godsend and I highly recommend it, but it does burn like a bitch if you get water on it. Oh. So I had to try not to cry at Queer Eye. Oh. What episode were you watching? Oh, the one with the cute ass lesbian. It was a brutal one.

She got kicked out at 16 for being gay. No. And she's been living on her own ever since. It was the worst episode of Try Not To Cry on. Are you trying not to cry now? No. What's happening? I was reimagining the moment and I get very physical.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to alarm you. Well, I thought you were about to cry and I was like, yes, one of us will feel. I also have so many walls up, so it takes a bunch to break them down. Same. But I had my tarot cards read the other day and they said for me to be vulnerable.

You have a podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? How much more can you do? Well, that's what I said, but my friend's roommate and my friend, they were reading them and they were like, you need to be vulnerable with people that you like. Uh-huh. And people that you're dating.

And be okay with going with the flow. Wait, as opposed to what, though? Oh, I put up walls. But, like, going with the flow. Like, if somebody wants to stop dating you, you have to accept that and not chase them. I mean, okay, I guess.

Well, I was dating this dude who we stopped dating. It's a whole thing. But I like kept texting him to be like I'll leave you alone if you want. But like well, here's a thought. And then he was like I don't want you to leave me alone and I was like oh yeah because like you did like me

and it's just like this weird situation that we're in and then I was trying to to get him to be like yes leave me alone I never cared about you don't talk to me anymore and then like my therapist was like you're trying to fulfill a narrative and then the cards were just like

stop trying to fulfill narratives the tarot card said that too essentially yeah it was like really wild like oh fuck i pulled a bunch of cards that were like very true and then like one of the cards was like stop resisting and i literally went i'm not resisting and then everyone was like nickel and i was like i know i heard it seems like I'm resisting but I'm not and then the next day I was like oh yes you're resisting a lot of things and I'm just I'm trying to like work through my feelings and I had a lot invested in this person or not a lot like I just I thought you were excited about it I was very excited about them and it just didn't work out that's a fucking loss honestly the loss of the future you

thought you were gonna have like yeah that's sad as shit yeah uh but like you should i mean you already know but like you can't continue to aggravate that wound for what trying to to re-achieve that future that's clearly already gone yeah Yeah. And, yeah. Like, honestly, who knows what the future future holds. Well, it sounds like maybe we end up together in 30 years. Who knows? Maybe we never end up together again. Who knows? So, wait.

Okay. So, you've been with someone for four years. Are you a serial monogamist? Yeah. It's a problem. Who, the person you're with before this person, how long were you with them? I had, like, almost a year gap, but before that, it was two years. Before that, it was three years. Who, the person you're with before this person, how long were you with them? I had like almost a year gap, but before that it was two years. Before that it was three years.

Oh, dang. Before that, yeah, it's been like forever. Oh. And my big anxiety is I should be single. But why? Because I feel like I don't know myself as an individual well enough. Like my entire perception of myself is built around another person as well. Oh.

Yeah, I know. We have the exact opposite problem yeah that's why I'm like wait why are you putting up with this like you're great yeah I know I'm great I I see I don't know what it's like to share my life with somebody uh and then sometimes the thought of like sharing my space freaks me out. Yeah. Because like if someone were to move in with me, like I don't know where they put any of their stuff. I have so many things. Yeah. It's a massive compromise.

I would have to like move my things for you. Yeah. There's a lot of shitty sides to a relationship that really aren't discussed because I think it's like too negative. But like I was surprised. I was like, oh, parts of this actually just suck and feel like a sacrifice. But I think it's like too negative. But like, I was surprised. I was like, oh, parts of this actually just suck and feel like a sacrifice. But I guess that's part of it. Well, my mother used to always say,

the grass is greener when you live in a dumpster. No, I'm kidding. She never said that. While your dad was eating her ass. Yeah, my dad was going down on my mom's smooth asshole. And she was like, Nicole, the grass is always greener when you live in a dumpster. Please get out of my room. She was always just like, you want what you can't have.

Always. You have coarse, thick hair. You want stringy hair like your little white friends. You're a little fatty. You want to be thin like these other people. You don't know what these people might want what you have. She's like, you have a big butt. you know you somebody might want a big butt turns out in 2019 everybody want a big butt yeah and I spent a long time trying to like tuck my butt in to make it smaller

so I think you being in a relationship being like I should be single I think it would be good for me is the same way I feel where I'm like I want to be in a relationship I think it'll be good for me is the same way I feel where I'm like, I want to be in a relationship. I think it'll be good for me. We are yin and yang, baby. Just like yin and yang, because I'm a black and you're a white. I was going to say the opposite. Oh, you're a black and I'm a white. Just to be funny. I don't know.

Yes. I'm still working on it. Yeah. Workshop. No kidding. We've come to the end, I guess. I feel like I derailed you so hard at the top. I am sorry.

Oh, no, it's okay. Honestly, my podcast is whatever the fuck I want to talk about. As it should be. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's fun to not talk solely about relationships. I don't know. Even though it's called Why Won't You Date Me? I don't know.

It's fun to see where conversations go with fun people. But I will ask you this because I try to ask all my guests this. Yes. Would you date me? Yeah.

I would. Yay. I don't get why other people wouldn't. Me either. You're great. You got everything, man. And the fact that you're in therapy, like, already,

that's such a big selling point. You know how many people I've had to fucking help work through their shit? And I'm like, oh, you already have somebody that fucking rules. I got a nice lady who I talk to every week. And she tells me that I'm perfect the way I am. And I just need to adjust some of the things I think about. Yep. I love her.

She's great. Are you in therapy? Oh, yeah. Good. That's nice. Is your boyfriend in therapy? Oh, yeah. Good. That's nice. Is your boyfriend in therapy? Oh, yeah. See, that's nice. Wait, where did you meet him? We were set up. He's a YouTuber

and at the time I was a Viner, so it was like, Oh, you guys should, you're both vegan. You should meet. And it worked. Although I resented it a lot. I was like, you think that us both being vegan is enough to make us want to date each other? Also, I'm very single. I'm not trying to get in a relationship right now.

But it turns out I was, I guess. Well, I mean, it seems like it worked out. Yeah. Y'all eat plants and live together. Share socks. Dog, it's crazy. I don't know how this happened. don't know you seem like a nice lady yeah i guess it's just like me me for me i spend my saturdays looking for furniture now

that's fucking weird that's nice you go out into the world to find furniture you have flea markets furniture stores man i even had a dining table custom made oh do you know what that's like expensive it's very expensive and it's it's adult in a way that isn't what I was anticipating adulthood would feel like I just had my house interior decorated which sounds like a real humble brag but I know it's something that when you buy a house you're like I guess this is what you do I didn't know how to furnish it no So I lived in it for a year with nothing in it. Yep. Like a creepy woman who was like, come to my home.

It's empty. Like, it was very weird. No, it's fun. Reverb in every room. It was wild. And then I had Molly and the drug Molly and a tin of mints. And it was in my bathroom because I moved a bunch of stuff in my bathroom because they were painting my bedroom.

And then I looked for my Molly and it was in my bathroom because I moved a bunch of stuff in my bathroom because they were painting my bedroom and then I looked for my Molly and it was gone. What? And I was like, did my interior decorator steal my Molly? And I was telling this to my friend and she's like, it could have been your cleaning lady

and I was like, what a bougie mystery. Okay, but did they know it was Molly? It was in an alt points, Tim. I don't know. Someone may have seen it. Did you just drug somebody? It's been like,

my breath is funky. Beepity bop. And then they're like, I'm feeling so good. You gotta text your cleaning lady. Beepity bop. And then they're like, I'm feeling so good. You gotta text your cleaning lady. I gotta know about this. She hasn't said anything. But then she'd have to admit to stealing your mints.

But then it's not stealing because they're mints out for the world. Have a mint. Wait, Nicole, you put mints out for the world that were Molly? I mean, they were in my bathroom. And it was like a pill. It was a capsule. You would know it was a capsule. Okay, okay. I've never taken Molly, so in my head it looks like an Altoid. Do you not do drugs? No, I do. I just do

grown from the earth ones. Oh, marijuana, mushrooms, peyote, cocaine. No, what? Oh, I don't do cocaine. Cocaine is from a plant. I guess if someone chew a coca leaf, I might. I would love to meet that fucking person who's just like. You know that's some tech talk.

Talking a mile a minute being like, do you want a leaf? It probably is like a new thing among the startup crowd, you know. Maybe. In Palo Alto, they're like, this shit's way purer than the powder, man. Speaking of Palo Alto, I love Elizabeth Holmes. I almost wore a black turtleneck to this taping and I was like, I look too much like her and I'm upset. It would have been a real treat and I would have screamed. I love her.

I love that she faked her voice to be deeper. I love that she didn't let any of these scientists talk to the other scientists. I love that she frauded so many men. Yes, I honestly psyched that we have such a flawed scammer and it's a woman. You know? How often do we get that? I was like, we've had years of male sociopaths. Right.

I've had to watch so many movies about like men who murder. Let's see a movie. Patricia Bateman. It is time. Like, it was time for us to get like our own, what's her name? Elaine, no, the lady from Monster who Charlize Theron. Elaine Wuornos. Yeah, we needed one of those in the tech world, and we got her.

What a treat. Hey, you better believe Jennifer Lawrence is going to make her eyes big and buggy when she plays her. And I can't wait to see Jennifer Lawrence not blink. Not even once. I'm so pleased. Well, this is the end. For the second time. Sorry. It's okay. You're very interesting to talk to. I'm so pleased. Well, this is the end. For the second time. Sorry.

It's okay. You're very interesting to talk to. Oh, thank you. You as well. Hey, thank you. I try. I'm just so happy to have someone as equally high energy on the HeadGum Network. People ask me all the time if I'm high.

Yep. Or if I'm drunk. Yep. Or if I'm stoned. Yep. And I'm like, the answer is no, baby. I'm just if I'm drunk. Yep. Or if I'm stoned. Yep. And I'm like, the answer is no, baby. I'm just not afraid to laugh. If you see me

out in the world, maybe. Please don't talk to me. I'm going through something. Well, it's also weird because people will be overly aggressive sometimes at meet and greets. And I'm like, oh, I just screamed for an hour. I don't have it in me to scream with you now. No, I'm like, oh, I just screamed for an hour. I don't have it in me to

scream with you now. No, you're like, hi, how are you? Yes, and I'm usually like, I'm sweaty. I'm so sorry you're going to touch me. Don't apologize. It's part of the experience. I guess so. They paid for this. They did. Do you have anything you want to promote? Just listen to Punch Up the Jam. Punch, punch up the jam.

Be nicer to Nicole. Punch up the jam. Is that your theme song? Would you like me to record your theme song? I mean, yeah, sure. Let's do another one. Punch, punch up the jam. Jams, jams get punched. Punch up the jam, jam, jam, jam, jam, jam.

Marissa, isolate all of that. We got a new theme song. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. You can leave me a review on like Apple podcast or whatever. Or you can just DM me. This was DMed to me. Nicole, if I had a dick, I would dip.

Oh, and it has to be like a nasty way to hit on me. Nicole, if I had a dick, I would dip it in hot sauce or roll it in Dorito cheese dust. Then smack your pretty face with it until you sucked it and begged for water. But I would not give you the water. Sorry. Who wrote that? Oh, I never say their names. Oh my God.

Because sometimes at the end they'll be like, please don't say my name. They deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. But truly, that really made me very happy. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me.

Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm a baby. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.