Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - High School Dating (w/ Cameron Esposito)

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Cameron Esposito (Put Your Hands Together, Queery podcast) discusses what it's like to host a show with her ex-wife, her past experience working as a circus ring leader, and how it feels to get dumped as a couple. Nicole shares her experience 'coming out' to her parents for liking dicks. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though I will tickle your taint and giggle all day. My guest today, you know her, you love her.

She was in Mother's Day. She had a show called Take My Wife that's now on Starz and you can download it. She's a voice on Care Bears and she hosts a really awesome show at UCB Franklin on Tuesdays called Put Your Hands Together. It's Cameron Esposito! You know what was so fun is that I was lost in this factory where you record this and you just um didn't even emerge from the door but opened the door and just yelled cameron into the and i felt so safe and it was from a place of i was feeling very nervous because this is like a a dark warehouse you know like it's very strange it's the evening and um and i downtown la downtown la where the fuck are the people not here

except there are people down here. It's weird. Apparently, I just learned today people live upstairs. Yes. This is an old loading dock to something. And then there's the spaghetti factory next door. The something factory. There was definitely the factory was in there.

But it's delicious food. That sounds great. And you would never think going to a place called Spaghetti Factory would be delicious and delightful. No. But it truly is. Cameron, truly, thank you so much for coming. I apologize for making you wait. Oh, no, my pleasure.

I'm bad. To be here. My pleasure to be here. I'm bad at time management. I was just happy to, I felt so found. Like a little kid that had been left on a the the side of a what's that called platform

a platform a train platform then their parents pull away you know there I was oh no now I've got no one

and then a cool car comes by and goes Cameron get in and I'm like and then I and then I and then that actually works out

and I don't die like a child that ends up being okay I mean that's always the scariest thing just be like am I gonna die here I truly don't die. I'm like a child that ends up being okay. I mean, that's always the scariest thing. Just be like, am I going to die here?

I truly don't like being places where I don't know where I'm supposed to be. Because you're just like, is someone going to come out and yell at me and be like,

scram, you idiot! You don't belong here! Yeah, can I tell you a scary story that happened to me? I was in Buffalo, New York a couple weeks ago

to do stand-up comedy. This is, we're recording this in the winter. So this was in the me. I was in Buffalo, New York a couple weeks ago to do stand-up comedy. This is, we're recording this in the winter. So this was in the winter. It was during their only or maybe their first, maybe they've had one since then, blizzard of the season. And I was taking a lift

back to my hotel after the show and the person that was driving me, you know how you can tell if somebody has like a speakerphone on? Even if, like, what was on his phone was the GPS. But then it had that little, like, green line. Yes, yes, yes. On an iPhone.

And so we're driving along. I'm in the middle of a warehouse district, not unlike this one, but except speakerphone, somebody just started laughing. An unknown person on speakerphone started laughing very loudly. And the driver acted as if this wasn't happening. So I, what would you have done in this situation um it was very cold i just have to make it's a blizzard it's very you could walk if you if you duck and roll out of the car you would just you can die you could die of exposure it's like lady birding is not possible so what do you do lady birding oh i love that uh honestly i would be like oh um are you on the phone what was that please help you would um ask at least one

follow-up question see i did nothing you know there's no follow-up questions and just rode with my hand on the door handle just like that's oh very i would ask i'm either gonna live or die who who was that yep never acknowledged drop me off i was in a lift where the lift driver obviously had farted because there was a very rancid smell and i went oh boy i guess i'll roll down the window and he went because you farted and i was like no no you farted and we had a very did you really say you farted childlike what that makes me very Yes, because he accused me of farting. No, I just love the idea of two adults. Two adults just be like, you farted.

You farted. That's the nicest. Thank you for telling me that story. Oh, you're welcome. And when he dropped me off at home, he was like, smell you later. And I was like, no, smell yourself later because you farted. It was a very tense but playful ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. Cameron, are you single right now? Um, that's a, well, I'm separated. I'm a person who's separated. So, uh, what do you check? You know what I mean? And the like, there are, I do live in Los Angeles. So like I recently went to the doctor and had to fill out a form, and there was a box for separated.

Really? But I feel like maybe that's a very L.A. version of a form. Because usually, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's usually single, divorced, or widowed. Exactly. But I like that they're separated. It's like, I'm still working through this. Yeah, I thought it was pretty.

Thank you for seeing me and acknowledging it. I thought it was pretty cool that they had all of that to offer. Are you on the apps at all? I'm not on the apps. Okay. Actually, I'm going to be very real. I have never been on an app or had an internet date. Because now they're apps, but

let's say five years ago when they would have just been on a desktop type of a version or you had to pull it up through your phone manually through some sort of safari. I've also never done that. I've never done any of it. Isn't that very weird though? No, you are very lucky.

I guess I'm lucky, but I do feel like out of step with my entire generation. Like I'm 37. I'm not 500. So it is weird that I've never had this experience. I have like a handful of friends who've never done online dating. And it's very funny because a lot of them will be like,

well, let me see yours and start swiping for me. And I'm not one of those people that's like, I've never. like when I go to Portland to visit my friend Tess I let her swipe and I let her message people because her and her husband really love doing it and it's just sad but but okay when did you like if you could give me the origin like when was when do you think was the first time you were experiencing this the first time I tried online dating was when I was living in New York and oh years and years and years ago because it was eHarmony yeah like do you please tell me more yes well eHarmony and like match.com were like one of the first I feel yep uh and I applied for eHarmony filled out the whole questionnaire and they said I was part of the two percent of unmatchable people are you serious yes I wish I screenshot it but like it was so long ago and it was Adele I don't know how to do that on Adele what does that even mean it means that they ask

you the same question in different iterations and I thought it would be funny to have a different answer for every iteration so to the algorithm I'm sure it was like sociopath oh my god yeah uh so then I started doing ok cupid and I think this would have to be in like 2008 maybe 2009 I was gonna say I'm I was gonna guess that's where I almost I was like this is 10 years ago I could tell by the way just the ideas you were mentioning I was like this is yeah like this is a 10 years ago situation. So I guess it's not like I've not dated in 10 years. I definitely have. I feel like, yeah, can you imagine I'm like, we're like 10 years off in this experience. You've been doing something for 10 years or you've had 10 years of experience with something I've not even done one time.

It makes me kind of weird. I'm kind of a weirdo. No, I think you're so lucky that you haven't had to experience navigating this thing. Because you match with someone, you're like, okay, on a surface level, we think we're compatible. Then you start texting, and it's either, ugh, I hate the way this person texts. Or you're like, oh, I like the way this person texts. And then that creates this weird intimacy that's false. Still, you don't know them. You don't even know what they sound like. And then you meet them and you either have a connection or you don't. And then you're like, well, that means I've wasted if you've talked for

a week, you've wasted a week of time talking to this person where like if you just met them in real life, you can just almost immediately be like, oh, that's a no. I will say only that I disagree with this premise. Okay. Because I am a lesbian. Yes. And one thing that is true is that you can meet, if you're a lesbian, you can meet someone in real life, not necessarily think that they're right for you, and then move in with them and date them for one and a half years. I really feel like, I mean, again, I'm not some magical person that I've never done online dating. I'm just somebody who has, because of our job that we both share, we're both performers, I am, like, visible, right?

And then I also am a part of this, like, really small subset, which is, like, queer folks. And that's, like, getting bigger all the time. It's a bigger, it's a growing community. There are more and more people identifying as queer. But it does, like, shrink things down to a sort of more manageable group. it does like shrink things down to a sort of more manageable group. And then for like gay men, there's,

I think sort of an expectation of like cruising around and, and like being out on the prowl, which by the way, not all like men dig, but like, that's the expectation. Whereas like, I think for queer women, and then there's a lot of like trans folks who sort of fall in this category

or whatever. There's like a – the expectation is that you're going to kind of go to these like arts events slash it's also like a workout and you'll make a craft, you know? And it's all – and dogs are there, you know? And everybody – and you can't – but don't bring any raisins. People might be allergic, you know? It's all very – it's like so deliberate and it's um it's like community oriented so I just feel like you end up meeting a lot of people and really knowing them in a way that like maybe for straight folks it's just like not happening the same way like you're it seems like a more it's a more difficult to narrow it down like you're just

walking through the world and it could be anybody versus I'm going to like this specific event where everybody there will be somebody I could date. I agree with you because we live in a very heteronormative world where as a person who dates someone who's the opposite sex, you walk through life being like any old person's my choice. opposite sex, you walk through life being like, any old person's my choice. And I feel like when you identify as gay or queer or non-binary, you're like, I have to wonder and I have to figure out. It's almost, you have to like peel back a layer to figure out if you can even be compatible with this person. But then I've also met a lot of late in life lesbians who don't identify as lesbians, who are married to women, who are like, I don't know, I just fell in love with this person. It's love is such a very curious, weird thing that I guess you really can't boil down to any real logical thing.

No, that's true. But there is also like a culture like that's kind of what I'm talking about is less like who you'll end up with and sort of like what culture you have access to. Because I think like it's not that there aren't queer women and non-binary folks who use dating apps. There certainly are. But we also just have this like the culture expectation is that it'll be – is that you'll like leave your house and go to these events where you end up meeting a lot of people. Like I just have – I've dated a shit ton of people. I've just met them all in the real world.

But my real world is maybe an app, I guess is what I'm saying. Like, it's maybe already doing the matching thing. Doing what an app would do for you on your phone. Exactly. Honestly, that makes a lot of sense. Where it's like, here's 10% of people that are interested in the same weird like like uh painting where it's everybody's using real human hair you know and you're like well we both ended up here so i guess we should date you know i just feel like a painting where we use real human hair that's is so specific and i

feel like it might be uh true in your life it's not real in my life. But I know that there, you know, there's definitely a queer listener to this show who does work in that medium. Like, there's no doubt in my mind. Yes. Winston Charles. Yes. That's who uses hair in their work. I loved the first iteration of the L word, which is coming back. Yes.

And I love that everyone would go to the planet and everyone dated each other. And I was like, this is fun. I want this. And the same thing with Queer as Folk. I was like, I want to date all my friends. And I don't have friendships like that. It's just fluid. It's very confusing, though.

Well, because, okay, so you can't actually throw anybody away. No. After you date them, even if it goes terribly, you're going to see them tomorrow. Tomorrow, because now they're dating your best friend. Exactly. So you can't burn it down to the ground, and that is really positive. I think straight folks could have a little bit more of that. But I also think that the expectation there is pretty challenging.

Like the real life, my wife Rhea and I who we are separated, like we're co-hosting a stand-up show together right now. That's like the most lesbian thing of all time

to still continue to work together. It's so gay. Can I ask you about that? Is that okay? Yeah, you could ask me about it. You mean hosting the show? Yeah, is it hard?

Yeah, it is hard. It's, well, because it's very fun is why it's hard. Rhea and I met as comics first, and there's no part of me that has ever thought that Rhea wasn't so funny. And so I just think it's hard to still have that feeling about somebody. Like you're still so funny. Like I still really appreciate your art. That's like a confusing feeling to have about somebody that you're not currently partnered to. But it's not like I'm not going to see them.

I'm going to see Rhea for the rest of my life regardless of what happens. Like literally we work in the same field. Yes. I'm going to see them forever. It's a very small community doing comedy. You know? You run into the same people all the time. I just felt like, well, I'm either going to see them on my terms,

and, like, we'll either decide what our terms are and see each other that way, or we're going to, like, randomly run into each other, and it'll be much worse. our terms are and see each other that way or we're gonna like randomly run into each other and it'll be much worse I think that's a very elegant way to handle that it's I think it's I think you are evolved like I think instead of being petty you're like well we created this show it's still going on I don't want to have you know custody of the show I get it to

to Tuesdays a month or whatever I think it's just so evolved that you can be civil be funny and

continue doing this art that you created together I like it I think it's great oh thanks yeah I mean I I hope that it I mean we took a break

you know to make it like from hosting to make it more of a choice like we took a break, you know, to make it like from hosting to make it more of a choice. Like we took a break so that we could both choose whether we wanted to come back and do it. And I will say, you know, again, I think that's like one of the gifts of queerness is like knowing a little bit about what it's like to have somebody have to continue to be a part of your life. somebody have to continue to be a part of your life and then you know because like if you don't have any practice with that how do you it seems really hard if you don't have any like do you have relationships with people you've dated um not really well i mean i've i have relationships with people i've hooked up with so very different it is different uh because there was no real feelings exchanged.

But anyone I've had, I haven't had a real relationship, one. I had an on and off again thing for three years, and I haven't talked to him in two years. And then the last person I dated that I was serious about, we don't really talk anymore. And one of them wasn't in comedy, so it was just like, I'm not going to really run into him. So, meh. And then, yeah, I don't really talk to anyone I've been passionate about.

They just fade away. The folks that you've hooked up with, do those people pop into your life and it feels neutral? Yes. Okay. it's very neutral uh because it's like i've been doing comedy for so long and you just run into people show after show and it's it's kind of like if you're gonna be awkward about it you're just gonna feel awkward a lot these are folks in comedy yes so that's another thing that is so that is so funny like okay because ria's the first comic i ever did it i did a lot of artists um i dated like like a like painter clown don't worry about it

i love before i could even pass judgment don't worry about it. What kind of clown? Like a full-blown honkity honk? Yeah, but like Cirque du Soleil stuff. Oh, okay. Like clowning would be like a buffon is actually like the French for clown or whatever. Oh, right. I like it. They're also like an acrobat or whatever. So they're like on a trapeze and then they like come down and like juggle stuff, you

know, like. Because I was a circus ringmaster. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We've all gotten to where we are today, which is this factory. You were a circus ringmaster? I was, yeah. I did not know this. Yeah.

How long were you a circus ringmaster? Just three years. But I, there's a circus company in Chicago that was like folks that who worked like Cirque du Soleil type stuff. Like, so not animals, but like trapeze or they climb a giant rope, right? My roommate was a hair hanger, which is. Oh my God. You hang from your hair. That must be so painful.

Yeah, it's like a family secret. She had to like train from a family that's like our lineage is that we are a hair hanging people. That is bizarre. It is bizarre. That is so strange. I love it. I know, me too. I love it too. I was hosting shows with them for them in Chicago and then they asked me to come on the road with them.

So then I was touring with them. And then for how long? Just for three years. That's's so funny it was cool have you seen the magic mic show in Las Vegas no is it does it feel the woman who hosts it has your kind of energy and I wonder if the person who created the show saw you be a ringmaster on tour and we're like well that's the person who's gonna be the ringmaster on tour. And we're like, well, that's the person who's going to be the ringmaster here. Oh, my God. That's really funny.

Yeah. I can't remember the woman's name, but I saw it. I was like, that's Cameron Estorito. I wish I had that job. And I think she had your old haircut. Oh, my God. The old side mullet? Yeah.

For like a half a second, I was like, Cameron? But it was not you. What if you didn't know, but that's what I was working on? That you just fly back and forth to Vegas to host Magic Mike. But also that you had to be like, this makes sense as a project for you, you know? Yeah, you're like, I'm a queer lesbian comic who really loves men sometimes. That'd be very funny. I would love it.

But all these people, Yogi, you know, like any modern dancer, person in the roller derby, this whole adjacent things, people that might be in the arts world, but Rhea was like the first comic that I really dated.

Until that, it never occurred to me that stand-up was like sexual for anybody because when I started in Chicago literally I was the gay comic like there was one dude um Bill Cruz I think I don't know I don't know where he lives he might maybe he lives here maybe he lives in Chicago I don't know but um yeah. Maybe he lives here. Maybe he lives in Chicago. I don't know. But yeah, there were no, there were zero women. And so it was like never, like I would go to Mike's and then I would go home. And it was years before I realized that comics were hooking up with each other. Like I literally never thought about it.

That is so funny that you never realized it. I never realized it. It's such an incestuous place. I know. I know. Like, I know that now. Mm-hmm. But, yeah, it was years.

I just was like, like, this is where we all... This is where we all come to do our art. Yeah, exactly. We're just working. We're all telling jokes. We're tee-hee-heeing. Nobody's fucking a single soul. I truly did not know.

You're like the secretary at the office where everyone's fucking. You're like, what? I've just been in the front the whole time. Everyone's in the fax machine closet. I don't know. I anticipate that I'll have to send a form to HR if I ever like it was like such a big deal to me when I started seeing Rhea because I was just like, what if anybody knows, you know, that I like so funny. Yeah. But also makes sense. Yeah. There was no one for me

to date. So I just didn't know everybody was fucking fucking tough. Let's see. Do you consider yourself a serial monogamist? Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Yes. That's pretty true. There have been, like, short breaks, but it's usually a couple months. And then during that time, maybe I'm, like, dating around a little bit. But people that I sleep with, it ends up being something. Maybe I'm, like, dating around a little bit, but people that I sleep with, it ends up being something.

And also not all of that totally monogamous, but, like, in a way that was, like, very not, like, swingy or fully in, like, a kink scene or something like that. More so just, like, I had this ex-girlfriend and we tried to date somebody like like we like met this person we both really liked her and so we took her out on dates but the two of us it's like the most again like on the kinsey scale i'm a lesbian because i just everything i've ever done a number satisfies you. You're like, just lesbian. Because nobody, I mean, we took her out on multiple dates and bought her dinner and stuff. Anticipating that maybe we would get to kiss her down the line. This is not how any non-monogamy works for anybody else. If we keep taking her out, maybe we can each steal a kiss.

Where like on Tinder you'll see couples that are like, we're just looking to fuck somebody new. And you're like, this is so aggressive and I'm truly not into this. I know. She broke up with us eventually and that was a very uncomfortable experience to share with another person

because you know, when you get dumped by yourself, you're just like, what's wrong with me? I'm disgusting. But now you're like, what's wrong with us? Like, why are we so bad? That is so funny that you as a couple got dumped by this one person. And she was probably like, they won't even fucking kiss me. I know.

I keep having to eat dinner and nobody will kiss me. Absolutely. I love it. Yeah. Absolutely. Do you remember your first relationship? Yeah. Well, I mean, like, it's weird because I had like a stutter step of dudes, you know, like, it's not like I don't consider, I just, I don't know what I consider those.

dudes you know like yeah it's not like I don't consider I just I don't know what I consider those um because like in high school I had boyfriends what were you like in high school I was a fat very unattractive pimply uh woman with glasses who exuded a bunch of confidence and I'm not sure where I found the confidence because I look back at pictures and I'm like oh wow you had a very very rough awkward ugly phase um I was also very loud I did not date in high school I didn't really date until my mid 20s but yeah I was just like and I also grew up in an all-white neighborhood so it was me my sister and then maybe like five other black kids in my school out of like I think I graduated with like 300 kids so out of like a thousand kids at a school there was like maybe 10 uh so it was it was weird in a way where I I didn't like find comedy because I was like made fun of for being an other I was

embraced by being another people were like you're inherently cool because you're black and I was like I'll take it sure why not I got pimples and uh don't look great so uh I'll take it I don't care uh so yeah that's how I was in high school so like what what group did you hang out with like or or did you hang out with a group? I hung out with I would say mid-tier girls. Mid-tier girls. Yeah actually they weren't super popular but we weren't fucking losers and then after my mom died I started doing more theater so I hung out with the drama nerds sure but I was the coolest of the drama nerds which is a real thing I know that person there's also tears and drama yeah and honestly the techies are at the bottom sure sure the techies all that black they were very cool those black outfits yeah and then some of them would have dandruff and you're like well if you're gonna wear black you gotta wash your hair it's true okay uh yeah so also i was funny in high school so that got me through a lot of things i don't think

anyone ever made fun of me because they're like well she's pretty quick-witted so if i dare say anything she'll probably eat me alive you know metaphorically and physically right right i once got suspended from school because this girl was like saying nasty shit to my friend. And I was like, you stupid bitch. I'll sit on you and I'll kill you. And then she like reported me. And the school was like, we have to take that as a real threat. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. But then my mom was like, honestly, pretty funny. You want Dairy Queen? I was like, yes. Yes. Make me bigger and more threatening. Wow, yeah, it's a whole thing. What were you like in high school?

Well, so my start to dating is like, so my first boyfriend was, I went to a school that was also very white. He was like very, very tall and Filipino. And he was like the center of the basketball team and so like

that was just an unusual person right and he also wore like a rainbow belt and was like and was on a

dance team on the weekends he was like a jock but he also was really into dancing but like NSYNC era dancing he like

at like a dance school dance what a dream a circle breaks out he's the guy in the middle he like takes off his unbuttoned shirt he has like a white tank top on he knows like all the dances and everything pup you know puppet string hands and all that you know the era oh absolutely NSYNC no strings attached I'm here and uh so like that and he was also like a band. He was really sensitive. He was just an unusual person at my high school. So that was the first person I dated. Quick question. Do you

know where he is now? A years ago, like this maybe would still be 10 years ago, he came to see me do stand-up in Chicago. Really? He came to the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago to see me do stand-up. And he was like the nicest man. Like, I remember him being very kind to me in high school. And we did not keep in touch.

And then, like, this would have been, you know, 10 years later or whatever. He came to see me do stand-up. He was so encouraging. That's cute. And he was so kind. And I was just like, this, as I suspected. You know, like, I thought you were nice. And you ended up being a nice person.

He turned out, like, handsome and, um, I think he's an actor. I don't know where he lives, but, um, it was nice to see him. And, uh, anyway, so, like, that was the first guy. Then the second guy was the, the, like, Uber jock in our, in our class. He was the guy, he was, like was like as a freshman the varsity football

team like asked him to play and he played the entire game he played offense defense and special teams oh and he ran anchor leg on the track team on the 4x100 relay but he was not on the track team they were just like if you want to swing by you're the fastest Help us win this meet. You could just drop in if you like. Yeah. I mean, what a dream. So I had like this like unplaceable cool guy. Mm-hmm. And then this really jocky jock guy who was also, he had a, his body was like overdeveloped for a teen.

Like he was very, very muscular. Real magic, Mike. Yep. That's who I dated in high school. How long did you date him? Can you believe that that is true? I did the first guy for a year and a half, and the second guy, I dated him into college. I dated him for four years.

Wow! Yeah. I love it. Did you, were you, I feel like you're pretty androgynous now. Were you feminine or just as androgynous in high school? Oh, my God. Okay, this is going to be a great answer that you're going to, I think, really like. Like, going into high school, I wore, well, I had a uniform skirt because I went to Catholic school.

I wore a uniform skirt and, like, you know and button-down shirt or whatever and white knee socks and those platform Steve Martin loafers. Yes. Steve Madden. Steve Madden. Steve Martin wasn't making them. He was like, I didn't make these. Steve Martin was like, I do comedy, but also I need the teams to be tall. And I do play banjo.

I don't make these shoes. That's the one thing I don't do. Yeah. Those platform Steve Martin loafers. And I had like really long hair. banjo i don't make these shoes that's the one thing i don't do yeah there's platform steve men loafers and i had like really long hair and then once i started dating the second boyfriend who was like so masculine i it was clear to me like it's clear to me looking back at pictures yes that i like just like gave myself a pass where i was like, you're dating this guy? The coast is clear.

Nobody thinks. That is so funny. And the opposite reaction that I would have. Oh, my God. I would be like, oh, my God, I've got this muscular man. I have to look good at all times in a way that's overly feminized. No, so it literally, like, my hair gets shorter and shorter and shorter until when I'm a senior, and I dyed it. I, like, bleached it, but then I was on the swim team, so it just turned gray.

So I had gray hair, but not the cool gray hair from now. No, just, like, gray with a tinge of green. Gray green hair. I had a black eye for a lot of the year because a pool ball had been dropped on my face at a party that I was at. I had a black eye. I had just choker upon choker. But the beaded ones, you know, like a full, like a thick. The surfer beaded ones from like.

Like every guy in your class had them. Yeah. Like thick beaded chokers. High in your class had them, yeah. Like thick beaded chokers. Then I would wear a white leather belt and white platform steel-toed Doc Martin boots. Oh, boy. That were like high.

Uh-huh. And that's what I look like. I look like an extra that's in the back of Empire Records where they're like, is she okay? Is she okay to see a picture of this? I love that so much. Okay, we have to take a break. And we're back. What a treat.

In high school, I would wear a lot of track suits that matched my sneakers, which matched my nails, which matched my hair. Oh. So sometimes I would be like head to toe in red so it would just be like a red ensemble red nails a red weave and honestly looking back someone should have told me it was not good but i mean you described that to me and i'm like she has unlocked an a level of femininity that i do not know like just the idea of you you all in a red, just a red track suit is the most feminine thing I can imagine for myself by the time I was a senior. So funny.

I love it so much. You went to a four-year college? Yeah. Did you, so you had that boyfriend until? Sophomore year. Sophomore year, you break up. Who did you date after that? Is that when you came out?

Straight up chicks yeah yeah baby is your coming out story a boring thing to talk about? No I mean it's just

it was it was gnarly because I went to Catholic college you could not come out or you could be kicked out of school what? or removed from the faculty

I that's so insane to me but yet like this is from now not surprising this is from now. Yeah. I like to,

like, add that detail because it feels like, but this is in the late 50s, early 60s. You know, you're like,

no, this is the 2000s and 99. Yeah, this is the 2000s. Fucking nuts. What a bummer. So it was like,

it was very, it was real difficult. I was also a theology major because I wanted to be a priest. Who knows what we're doing when we make decisions? I'm learning such fun stuff. Yeah. So you were a circus ringmaster. Then you were like, I'm a priest.

So I started dating women, but it was like not, like that I guess is my first real relationship. Like the other ones were just like this is I mean those were relationships but it's confusing they were my best friends like I love those men it we were not I was not into having sex with them nor were we nor were we having sex well they're I think they were relationships but I feel like it's like one of those things where it was one of those exercises and something that you thought you had to do where you're like, well,

this is what's expected of me. This is what I have to do. Like, I remember coming out to my mom that I liked dicks. I was looking at play girl on the internet. Oh my God. Didn't know about clearing a browser history. My mom called me into our uh

the office that my dad had she was like do you want to tell me why you were looking at playgirl and i fully remember going but um what i want to see him i want to see all the i wanted to see penises and my mom i remember like held back a laugh and was like well can you not do it on the family computer? And then I remember saying, then where would I look for them? Yeah. Because we only had one computer. I mean, it's a great question. Get me.

Get me my own fucking computer so I can look at all the dicks that I want to look at. It was a very weird thing. And Playgirl, are they, is it an erect penis? It's not like. No, they're flaccid dicks. I'm pretty sure they're flaccid. I haven't looked at a Playgirl in years. That just seems, that seems what I, the reason I asked that question is because that, I don't know why Playgirl seems like it's like partially soft core.

Like is it just, is it like hard core? No, it's soft core in the way that Playgirl is kind of. Right. Like there's no penetration. Right. Nobody's like, you know, fucking spread eagle and spread on their lips. I feel like it's flaccid dicks or like semi-hard dicks. So isn't that weird now to think about that?

Yeah, that I was like, I gotta see a dick not in action. Just one flopping around. That's all I need. Oh man, I don't know. And I just remember seeing one and being like, huh, okay. And I knew what sex was. Like, I knew what sex was from a very early age because I found a book called Our Bodies, Our Minds or whatever.

And I was, like, flipping through it and was like, this is sex between a man and a woman. And I was like, whoa. Hey, mom, quick question. Daddy did that to you? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, whoa. Hey, mom, quick question. Daddy did that to you? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, how could he? Oh, my God. How could he?

I remember being so upset about it. And now I'm just like, sex is good, baby. I love it. You know what I'm going to follow all this up with that I was having in my mind? Nicole, I'm not sure. I need to, like, get a Playgirl, I think, because this is a real thing from my—that's actually true. I don't think I know what a flaccid penis looks like. That's very funny.

Because, like, I have certainly seen porn. That's not usually the star of the show. No. A flaccid penis. No, usually they're rock star of the show. No. Of Flaccid Beans. No, usually they're rock hard from the jump. They don't show the before or the after. Yes. It's all about the action.

I will say some of them are, you're just like, ugh. And then have you seen an uncircumcised penis? I don't. Like, on the TV. On the TV? Because, you know, if you think about it. Also, like, really, most of my experiences with men were in high school and then just, like, a few in college. And, like, I don't know what some people were doing in high school.

Like, maybe some people were. But I was so uncomfortable with my own body that there was a lot of like, like certain articles of clothes are kept on and there's like rooting around going on. Like, it's not like two people like staring at each other. Like, like, let's see that. It's not the scene in the notebook where she takes her, where Allie takes her dress down. Look, I don't even know that scene in the notebook. It's okay. It's not even permanently. It's okay. Burned on my brain. You kind of vaguely remember it and you're Look, I don't even know that scene in the notebook. It's okay. It's not even permanently burned down my brain.

You kind of vaguely remember it, and you're like, I don't know. No, I know it so well. Let's see. Watch American Psycho. I think you see Christian Bale's penis in that. But then he murders a lot of people, right? Yeah, he's like holding a chainsaw covered in blood, and his dick's flopping around. All right.

Okay, maybe skip that. Maybe that's not how you get introduced to a dick. Send me a screenshot um i don't know i'll send you a flaccid penis our text messages will be can you do my podcast here's a flaccid penis and then we become lifelong friends that's right i i guess i was very curious about the male genitalia that I didn't ever search for female genitalia. And I remember the first time I saw a porn, I was like, oh, wow, my vagina does not look like that vagina. And then I went on a hunt for other vaginas. And now I play a very fun game where sometimes at dinner I'll be like, everyone draw your vagina.

Oh, my God. Really? How does that go? It's fun. You pass around a paper and then everyone draws their vaginas in the way they think they can. I was just going to say, because like, what's the point of view? Are we, where's the...

I think the point of view is your legs spread eagle and whatever's there is what you draw. Okay. All right. I understand. But sometimes you can just draw the front if you like. Yeah. Like if you're just standing up. See, that's what I'm saying.

There's like several vantage points. Mm-hmm. And that to me is fun because I feel like vaginas don't get talked about a lot. And I didn't know that there was so many different ones. And it's fun to know what your friends are working with. Actually, you're totally right. And, I mean, the number of times I was, like, at a club, I was at a comedy club, and in the bathroom of the green room,

there were, like, all these paintings. And I didn't realize until multiple shows into the weekend that, like, in all the the paintings there were penises like like jokingly sprinkled in it's a garden but there's like but some of the flowers or whatever and i just was like man fuck off like like i'm just like is this what this is what you think comics want to see like we want to see a dick at all times. But it is interesting that in comedy, the work baseline is very blurred. What is appropriate and what's not appropriate is so fucking blurred.

And specifically with penises. Because, like, the number of times I've had to follow a comic and they just use the mic for a dick. Or they, like, humped the stool or whatever. And it's like, do you realize that, like, this mic is still sort of your dick, and now I have to put it near my mouth, and you're my friend. I don't even think you want to do that to me.

I just think you're not thinking about it, you know? Because it's, like, it's so accepted. Like, I am so glad that this seems to be, like, out of favor right now, but I'm so glad that this seems to be like out of favor right now but i'm so glad that the jerk off motion is no longer in everybody's set how i'm so tired of that motion interesting i've never thought of that but the jerk off motion was in cinema it was in people's sets people very regularly would do it in conversations and And it's very funny. I never really did it

because it's just a weird motion. Yeah, I'm actually happy that that's gone. Like five years ago and ten years, that had like a real heyday. I think I could even, I mean, I don't really want to, I'm not going to, but I think I also can tie it to which

comic brought that into our lives. No, I'm going to say his arch nemesis. Oh, Louis C.K. Yeah. Oh, boy. I love Louis. He's a great man.

He was never nice to me. I just think he was doing that a lot in his act. And so many people were trying to emulate their idol. Yeah. I was watching old Dane Cook. Pretty funny. You know shit on Dane Cook, but I was watching some of his early stuff and I was like, you know what? He's wearing Jankos and a tank top and he's making me laugh.

Another thing that I feel like people don't talk about with him and like I don't know if this ever happened for you, but people I knew burnt, like multiple people burnt CDs of like different specials or albums of his. And then this was like a time where like you, if you had a CD player in your car, that was still like very like, whoa, like you like bring the giant book of CDs. Book of CDs. Yeah. And, like, people would then throw that CD in and I would be, like, driving around with friends or on a road trip or whatever and listening to his albums specifically because he was, like, putting them out in a different way. And so you could burn them easily. And I think that some of that, like, community listening to comedy, like, that existed with, like, records.

But then there was a big gap like Bob Newhart's record do you know that his do you know the button up mind of Bob Newhart is like one of the best selling records

of all time like it outsold Elvis really? the year that it was released it was like the number one record no I did not know that and so like people would

sit around and have like listening parties or whatever then there's like this huge gap then people like listen to Dane Cook that way

and I think I kind of think it's like primed people to be open to podcasts, things like that. He did actually like usher in a new era of accessibility for standup. Whether or not you think he's a piece of shit, that is irrefutable. Yeah, I do think people shit on him, but he did. He is kind of revolutionary. Yeah, he like made it so that him, but he is kind of revolutionary.

Yeah, he made it so that stand-up was part of hip culture again. It wasn't really. Yeah, because I think stand-up was a very niche thing for a very long time. Or it was like rote. It was either like what your parents were doing for a date or it was like ar was like arty, you know, and he like kind of bridged that and made it mainstream. And now it's cool and hip. Yeah. You tour so much. Do you run into chuckle fuckers?

Never. Really? Well, no, maybe I run into them, but I run the other way. They might run into me. Do you? Does that happen to you? I don't think it happens very often to

straightish women. I don't know. I don't consider myself straight. I also don't consider myself anything other than slutty. Oh, I didn't know you didn't consider yourself straight. Yeah, it's not like a thing where I'm like, this is the new me. I just, I've like slept with women in the past. Cool. And then last year.

I don't know why I said cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. I don't know. What else do you say? Last year I made like an actual effort to, to like open my mind and not pass judgment on women so much on apps. Oh, cool.

To be like, I don't know if she, I don't know. It was like one of those things where I was like, I'm looking for a specific type of woman, but I was like, open yourself up and you might like a different type. I like butch women who are a little bit more masculine than me. But yeah, last year I made an effort where I was like, I want to actually date women and not just sleep with them. And I don't consider myself pansexual because I don't like the term. I think it sounds stupid. How do you feel about like queer? Like, does that feel good or does that not feel like the right thing?

It's like, you're just like, I'm open to dating. Yeah, I'm just open to dating. Queer doesn't feel right because I would hate to have some, you know, you label yourself as something and then the people are like, let's lift up this new queer voice. And I'm like, ah, no, I'm still pretty heteronormative in my act and my life, truly. But like if a woman were to pop up, I would never be like, I don't do that. It's like, no, I like sex with women and I like being with women. Most of my dearest friends are women. So why wouldn't I, you know, date one?

Yeah, I mean, I think what's what's really awesome about uh where we are right now as a culture is like I think I'm like the gayest gayest gayest gayest gayest person I like think I'm so gay I experience myself as very gay but um you know that doesn't mean that for me I know for sure like what type of person I would ever sleep with in the future and I and because I know that for me I think that's probably true for everybody because I think of myself as very far on one side of the spectrum and I still like you know can tell if a man is attractive or like you know cis man and be like oh I'm into that person you know can tell if a man is attractive or like you know cis man and be like oh I'm into that person you know and I think that's I just like I like where we are right now because I don't it doesn't change my identity to be open about the fact that like that doesn't mean

irrefutably one answer my favorite type of a cis man is when they can go, ooh, what a pretty man. Like, I love that. And it doesn't negate their straightness or, like, what they're sexually attracted to. But they can openly say, that man looks very nice and I'm here for it. Yeah. I like men who are not threatened. Their masculinity is not threatened by another man. Yeah.

I think the ideal man that I want to date is a man who is gay until he met me. You know what's so wild is, like, the frontier of fully identifying as gay for a man and then, whoopsie-daisy, here's my exception or whatever. Like, I know women who that's true for. You know, like, I know folks who are, like, I used to identify as like cisgender now i identify as trans and so like that means in my shifting identity i'm

now interested in a shifting type of a partner or whatever like i know all of these i do not know the man that you were saying is your ideal man i don't know him either i have. I don't know him either. I have never, I don't know him. I don't know if he exists. I, I don't know. Like, I have many gay friends. Right. And most of my gay friends

are like hardcore men. Men, men, men, men, men. I couldn't even dream of a woman. I'll tickle you,

but that's about it. That's the most touching I want to do to you. I don't know. If anyone's listening and, What about the biased guy? He's the biased. Oh, sure. That's the most touching I want to do to you. I don't know if anyone's listening. What about the biased guy? He's the biased. He's the most bi.

All right. I guess I'll take a bi guy. He's bi-er. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that. He's bi-er. Bi-er for me. I mean, that's the dream.

That's the ticket. That's what I want. I don't know. I don't ever know. Sexuality is such an interesting dream. That's the ticket. That's what I want. I don't know. I don't ever know. Sexuality is such an interesting thing. Yeah, it is. Dating is such a... Biased guy.

That's... The biased guy. Yeah, I guess that's what I want. I want a bi guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want. A bi guy who's mostly dated men.

Yeah, but that's... But see, like... And that is a thing that I can get. Yeah. Yeah. I want that for you. Cameron, thank you. The biased guy.

Okay, here's something I ask all of my guests, and by all, I mean everyone except for four people. Would you date me? Oh, well, not currently. Okay. Because this is a terrible time in my life. Okay. Fair. And I'm not bringing that into your life.

Fair. Thank you. I appreciate you not bringing that to me. Yeah. You can't have it. I can take the pain from one relationship and I can bring it right to another partner and say, Hey, do you want to help with this? I'm in a lot of pain.

And I can deal with it myself. But do I want to? That's like you moving into a fully furnished apartment and bringing furniture. Yeah, exactly. There's already a chair here, Cameron. You can throw that chair away. No, I'm going to keep it. The furniture I'm bringing in is on fire.

We have this furniture here that's not on fire. But see, but this stuff is on fire, so it's toasty. So we don't need heat. I've solved problems with my furniture. That's very funny. I'm also working on trying to leave things

behind that need to be left behind and not bringing in pain or predetermined thoughts into a relationship. It's really hard. It is really hard. Being a person who's okay is hard. Well, also, because, you know, what I've realized recently is, like, the job that I have as a trick that I've played on myself where I think that I'm talking to people about how I'm doing because I'm on stage and it's my job to speak about my emotions. I'm not really talking to my friends about how I'm doing. I'm not really talking to people who could actually give me helpful feedback because that's not really a relationship that you can have with the audience. Oh, you were talking about chuckle fuckers and actually this is a perfect there we go because this is exactly what like i don't i don't want an audience to take care of me like that feels disgusting to me and so i if somebody hits on me on the road which does happen i feel like

uh like you have fallen for a trick. Like, my stage persona is real. That's how I really feel. But it's also not me. Like, I'm a separate person than that. And I don't want to, I don't feel comfortable. Because they would think they were going home with the person on stage. But they would be going home with me. And some people seem to be okay with that.

But I am not okay with that. So many gentlemen seem to be, hey, okay with that. I have am not okay with that. So many gentlemen seem to be A-okay with that. I have trouble when I meet people from apps. Like, I was talking to this one guy, and he was like, is it weird to date people who know who you are? And I was like, the only weird thing is when they bring in a

preconceived notion about me. And he was like, oh, okay, so our first date won't be like, nailed it? And I was like, good. Sure won't. And then the date truly was pretty awful and i should have not gone i should have you know listened to my intuition uh but yeah that's the that's the hardest thing i think right now is when people think they know something about me because i do talk about my personal life a lot but also it's like i talk a lot about it but like there's so much i don't

talk about yeah and i i am a person and you don't know everything about me and uh just uh let me be vulnerable and let me uh tell you things well also relationships like this is it's useful for you and i to have conversation and all this is awesome and useful but relationships are uh require interaction and like a two-way street yes and that's just not something that as a performer you're bringing like people that are listening to this like they might feel like they know me or you because i feel that way about people that i listen to like that's what i imagine that's true because that's how i feel um but it's not a reciprocal interaction so you know like I'm looking for reciprocal this is what I'm

hey this is what I'm looking for that reciprocal interaction where I'm not bringing too much burning furniture okay perfect that's it I think that's a great thing to want Cameron we're at the end thank you

do you have anything you want to promote? yeah I have a great podcast called Put Your Hands Together that I co-host with Rhea Butcher. I got a podcast called Queery that is about like the queer experience. And I interview somebody from the queer community like Lena Waithe or Evan Rachel Wood or Tegan or separately Sarah. Oh, I like that you separated them. That's right. That's nice because their whole identity is being together and being twins.

It's very fun to talk to them separately. I love it. And you can find that on Earwolf. That's right. Or anywhere you get podcasts. Yes, yes, yes. Alright. If you like this podcast you can subscribe wherever you fucking get, you know, just keep listening.

But if you send me something nasty I will read it. And this lovely person emailed me and said, anyway, here's a gross thing. I want to pop the zits off your back with my teeth. Also, you deserve a man who will finally suck your toes. I've never wanted a man to suck my toes, but thank you.

Oh, here we go. Nicole, I truly love your podcast. I truly want to feed you fruit punch Jolly Ranchers until your mouth turns so red that it dyes my 12-inch dildo the same color as your favorite red hair clip-ons. After you're done soaking it with your tongue and ruby red saliva, I'll pulverize your pussy while doing my best impersonation of Chadwick Boseman. I want to make you scream my name, still Chadwick Boseman, and even if you mispronounce it, I won't stop pumping you full of red dye number four. And then they had a whole apology

to say sorry if that's not good enough. But it was perfect. Thank you for your nasty little thought. Okay, bye-bye! this has been a team coco production