Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hiring a Professional Matchmaker (w/ Grace Edwards)

Episode Date: January 24, 2020

Nicole's old roommate Grace Edwards (writer - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Loosely Exactly Nicole) answers Nicole's questions about professional matchmaking and shares the challenges of dating 3 men at once. Nicole has witnessed a stabbing, and wonders if she can die from horniness. She also has cancelled her dating subscriptions! New year, new Nicole.Need more Nicole Byer? Check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus will be watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Hi, hi, hi, guys. I have a new podcast. I know what you're thinking. Nicole, aren't you tired? Yes, I am. Anywho, Lauren Lapkus and I have never seen the Star Wars films, but now we're doing a podcast all about it. We'll be watching each film and discussing it with friends and Star Wars fans you've never seen it before like us it'll be a nice fun time and you should take a listen so subscribe to newcomers wherever you listen to podcasts so don't you miss an episode also if you listen and you're a nerd and you hate what we're saying please remember we're human beings and we should be treated with kindness and please don't be mean to us. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Why? Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could fill up a tub with your semen and I would take a bubble bath. No! That one was bad. Okay, my guest today, she is a writer. She's written for Inside Amy Schumer. My show, loosely exactly Nicole, rest in peace.

Kimmy Schmidt, Dollface. She recently wrote for Insecure. She's got a show in development it was announced so I can say it right yeah yeah yeah Jodi on

for MTV girl it's a it's a journey well it's a spin off of Daria I think it's really fucking cool oh thank you and she's lived in my house

for a little bit I did oh boy it's Grace Edwards boop-a-da-boo boop-a-da-boo I've always wanted to do that see

I'm a longtime listener. I've been listening since the first one. And I actually remember you came into the, I think, in the room, like, years ago. And you were just like, oh, I'm going to do this podcast. And look at you, like, 100 episodes later. I know. I know. I persevered.

I get off planes and I come talk. I was just in Buffalo. Buffalo. What were you doing there? I was doing stand up in Buffalo. I only had one good show. Oh, my early show on Saturday was like so good. The rest of them, I felt like everyone was staring at me being like, what is she talking about? Actually, maybe it was the second show. No, it was the second show on Friday that was pretty funny. This man, so I was telling a story

about how a man came to my door with grilled chicken. Okay. This drunk man thought I said real chicken. That's the only thing I can think that he thought he heard because then he just went, all chicken's real. I was like, wait, what?

Yeah. All chicken's real. I was like, wait, what? Yeah. All chicken is real. And I was like, you go around town just yelling all chicken is real? Maybe he's against like vegan chicken. Maybe he's a chicken tracer. I don't know. I don't know because that's intense. All chicken is real.

And then he was wearing a Christmas sweater. Oh. And I asked him to, I was like, I talked to him for a little bit. It was like, and then I realized he was like, shit face. He was so drunk. I was like, you gotta go. He was like, no. And I was like, yes, please. You must leave. He said, no, thank

you. And he like, there was a security guard coming at him and he kept moving back like the guard was like trying to touch him, but nobody was trying to touch this man and then finally I was like stand up let me see your outfit and he goes okay and he stood up because he was wearing a Christmas

sweater and then he showed me that a beer there was a beer pocket in it so like this man has just been carrying beer around in his sweater. Did he have like one of those little things those little hat things that had a straw No I wish. Yeah.

But on the way to the club, there was one street. I think it was Chippewa where there was just a bunch of slutty Santa Clauses. Oh, like Santa Con. I think Buffalo was having a Santa Con. Yeah, that is the, you know what? I have been caught up a couple of times in Santa Con in my life. One time it was a Black Lives Matter protest that I was at, and it was also during Santa Con,

so there was some dark shit going on. Like, the Santas were just like, we want to have fun, and you guys are just being protesting. Honestly, I think Black Lives Matter should have rescheduled that. That's a tough one to go up against. It was just two populations that should never meet each other in the streets

and they were just in the streets together and it was dark it was a terrible time I was in Buffalo the wrong weekend so Thursday night Celine Dion was in town and I was like I would go see Celine Dion over me are you kidding it's Celine

and then there was Santa Con another night and I was like yeah I would get drunk and be a slutty Santa Claus no I'm not I'll give you Celine but Santa Khan I feel like those are the trash people of America I don't know I was like I told my therapist once I was just like I had made it through Santa Khan to get to her and I was just like if you ever hear me going to SantaCon ever in my life you will know that I no longer want to live like that is that would

that switch of a personality that would just take me down such a dark road to want to dress like slutty Mrs. Claus. The last time I said I didn't want to live was to my friend Mateo. I was like, Mateo, I am so horny. And I think I've given up trying to find love or anyone to fuck.

And I'm just going to let the horniness take over and kill me. Oh. And he was like, Nicole. I don't think you could die of horniness. I don't know. I'm hoping that. Grace, it's pretty rough. You know, it's been a while for me, so. I get so horny, I get so angry. My goodness. No, I feel like I've

coasted into like a soft place where I, I'm just like, yeah, I just don't feel this way. This is my life. Have you seen, it was on Twitter. It was all over Twitter. I think it was on CNN or maybe, I don't know, but it was this one white woman, one pregnant white woman with four boyfriends. Oh, I saw that. You put it on Twitter. You retweeted it. Okay. Yeah.

I did see that. Yes, because I'm only asking for one. And she has four. You know what? And she's pregnant by one of them. And she like deduced which one. She was like, because of timing, he was new. I think he's a daddy wow

and then everyone was commenting they were like it smells like baloney or like oh they're all managers of a game and I was like bitch looks so happy look she looks elated I don't give a shit I want to learn from her she must have some sort of like ninja pussy like she's doing

she's doing I mean it's admirable for to get four dudes who are willing to share this girl and she's like please go get another partner and they're like we couldn't possibly i know this is the only place i want to be what the fuck i want in do they fuck each other or is it just just her just her oh okay that's why she wants them to go have another relationship so not everyone's, like, wanting attention from her. What a queen. And she's pregnant.

She's like an aunt. Isn't there, like, one queen aunt? No, that's bees. Bees. One queen bee and then a bunch of little bees swarming around. That's the real queen bee. Fuck Beyonce. Oh, no.

Don't you dare. The beehive is coming. I hear him. All right, beehive is coming i hear him all right beehive i'm kidding i got recognized by a flight attendant today on my flight i was like leaving and this man moved me to get his bag oh no and i said yes and i said sir excuse me are two words you could have said and he was like what I said two words excuse and me

and he was like are you alright and I was like I'm fine you're just in my space you don't touch strangers it's just like

rule number one you learned that at kindergarten and the flight attendant was like I'm a big fan and I was like will you just watch me

be a big bitch well she could have helped you if she was such a big fan hey he it was adorable no you're all classic did you get his number a big bitch. Well, she could have helped you if she was such a big fan. Hey. It was adorable. You're all classy. Did you get his number? Was he cute?

No, he was gay. Actually, I don't know. He might listen. I don't know if you were gay. You were very handsome, but I think he was gay. Alright. Well, if you're not, you could hit up. Let me know. Email me at baconcansave at gmail.com and on that note, please stop emailing me for a vibrator that's done oh yeah i saw you were giving out some to some some horny ladies across the stupid

bit in tempe arizona where i was like if you email me i'll send you a vibrator i thought maybe five people would email me 208 women emailed me in less than 45 minutes. Wow. And then I was like, well, I'm in a pickle. I said I would do it. Now I kind of have to do it. But then a very lovely lady on Twitter, her Twitter handle is Kitty Striker, and she got them to send me free vibrators. Oh, that's great.

She's really wonderful. I love her so much. Because I was going to have to come out of pocket like $10,000. Oh, holy shit. Well, now. I was like, I guess I was going to have to come out of pocket like $10,000. Oh, holy shit. Well, now... I was like, I guess I work for free for a little bit. Now there's so many... I'm trying to pay this off. Happy vaginas across America.

Yes. Due to you. Due to me, I'm making women come everywhere. And who's making me come? Well, I guess my vibrator. Do you use vibrators? i don't either does my sister yeah it's just it's just like i've tried it before and it's like too intense of a feeling for me yeah i don't i don't i don't like it i don't i don't like it i'm very delicate down there

so grace yes you're currently single, yes? Yes, I am. Are you looking or are you like me where you're just like, I'm going to let the horniness kill me? No, I am looking. I actually decided recently, you know, because I was so focused on like career stuff for so much of my life and just to put it on the front burner of my life. So I've actually been working with a matchmaker. For how long? For about six months.

And so I've gone on some dates and so I've been trying to, you know, put myself out there more. And I even met a guy when I was in Madrid on vacation. That I knew. And I didn't get the full scoop of that. Oh, it was, it was lovely because, you know,

living in LA, you know, it's very different from New York. I just moved here from New York about a year ago. And, you know,

in New York, you walk down the street in Harlem and you be like, and guys, you know, not condoning street harassment,

but... It's easier to meet somebody. But I will say that, you know, you feel appreciated in the streets of New York. And of course, I was very annoyed by it

while I was there. But then, you know, I got out to L.A. and I'm just like, am I a woman? Like here? Nobody wants to yell at me on the street.

Am I classified as a woman here? I used to love dudes yelling at me on the street. I think I might be, I don't know, you just said you like it too. But it just, I would sometimes strike up like a fun conversation with somebody. I mean, it all

depended because sometimes it was, most of the time to me, I lived in Harlem for most of the time, and it would just be like guys being like, hi, beautiful, or whatever. they're they're obviously the ones that were disrespectful commenting commenting on your body parts or I remember one guy came up to me one time and he just walked real close to me turned to me like he

was gonna say hello and he was just like uh so what a dude like me gotta do to fuck you tonight and I was just like I literally turned to him and I was like, I don't really know how to respond to that. That's the wildest thing anyone has ever said to me. What's a dude like me gotta do to fuck you tonight? Yeah. I'd be like, I don't know. What are you trying to do?

Or like, or, but you know, most of the time when guys would address you on the street, it was pretty respectful, at least in my case. So, but here, you know, sometimes in L.A. it feels, you know, I feel a little invisible here. So when I went to Spain, it was just really nice to meet a guy. He was a bartender at my hotel. He was very bartender at my hotel. Oh. He was very, very cute.

I won't give any identifying information because he did DM me and was like, he was like, I don't know if you're going to write a Yelp review for the hotel, but if you do, please don't tell them that we... Oh my God.

That is so sweet I was just like no I would not put that in a Yelp review sir I thought that was sweet and I don't know why I truly don't know why that's not sweet that's just him trying to save his ass and I was like oh my god he contacted you

I think there is a policy maybe at the hotel that you're not supposed to mess with guests or whatever. I can't believe I thought that was sweet. It was sweet to me because I was just like, oh, you're so worried about your job. Okay, cool. How did it blossom? What happened?

Tell me about it. Well, when I checked in, the nice lady at this hotel was like, oh, well, you have to like try our bar or whatever. We have really good bartenders. And so after me and my friends went to dinner, I was like, oh, let's go back to my hotel and sit at the bar. They say they have really good cocktails. So just a bevy of gorgeous Spanish slash European guys behind the bar. And so he was the cutest to me. And I was just like, wow, he's so cute.

But I just really expected it to be like, oh, I just saw something cute tonight. And he came over and he was talking to me and my friends for a bit. And then the next night I was just like, hey, girls, let's go back to the hotel. I think I want to do another drink. And then that time he like asked me, he's like, oh, what's your Instagram? I'm going to follow you and stuff like that. And so we exchanged Instagram

and then the next day he DM'd me and he's like, I would very much like to take you out after my shift. I get off at 2 a.m. And I don't know what was up with me because I'm usually so cautious about those things. But I was like in a vacation type mood. So I was just like, yeah, I'll go out with you at 2 a.m. in a strange country. But I felt a little better because my friends had met him. He did work at the hotel.

So I'm just like, well, I mean, there's a lot of threads just in case I'm murdered. You know, someone will be able to find my body. So he took me to this really cute rooftop spot in Madrid. It was very nice. When we were outside, by the way, I saw a bunch of American dudes and they saw me with him and they were just like trying to flirt with me. I was just like, what is happening? I love that you had a different country to have people fight over you. I was just like, where's this energy in Los Angeles, please? So we went up, we talked and we and i was just like oh is this platonic because at first

we were just like talking about each other's families it was very chaste and then uh after we had a drink uh we he's like let's walk around i mean this obviously this is a game this guy runs a lot because it was very smooth like very very like beautiful, like scenery at the bar. Then he's like, let's go for a walk through the city and I'll tell you about it. And so we're walking through the city. He's telling me about like the different buildings and stuff like that. Then he takes my hand and then he's just like, I find you very pretty. And I was just like, I was like, I find you very handsome.

Why do you think I'm here? And then he kissed me. And then we went back to his place and made out. And it was very nice. What a treat. It was great. I love it. Yeah, it was a fun little vacation situation.

He was like, please don't put that in the Yelp review. I wonder if that's happened before. Maybe it has. He's like, please take this down that in the Yelp review. I wonder if that's happened before. Maybe it has. He's like, please take this down. People are crazy. People are crazy. They put all kinds of things on Yelp.

So I could see. Wait. So this matchmaker, what was the intake process? What was the beginning of it? It was very intense because you fill out some stuff online. So you sign up online and then you fill out some stuff and then you have to have your initial interview with your matchmaker. So they get you on Skype or whatever. And yeah, they just ask you what you're looking for.

Yeah, they just ask you what you're looking for. And they're very good at, like, cutting through the bullshit because they're like, because, you know, women are just like, well, I would like this, but I don't deserve it. You know, they're like, oh, no. Like, you know, if you want a certain income level, just tell us. If you want him to be a certain height, tell us. What genuinely racially are you into? Tell us what what genuinely racially are you into? Like what? You know, so it was very freeing to actually sit and like think about, oh, what do I really want? And so, yeah, you you do all that.

And then they they, you know, it takes about a month for them to find their your first match. And then from then it's been like about once a month, I go out with a man. Like a man with a job and shit? Yeah. And there's like life together? Because they don't, you know, they screen them for you. Where do they find them?

Do you know? Yeah. Well, some of them are guys who also signed up for this matchmaking service. And then some of them, supposedly they go on dating sites and they'll scout. They'll scout good people or they'll send a hot girl to a whiskey tasting.

And the guys will be like, ooh, can I date you? And they're like, no. And she's like, no, I'm a fucking decoy. No, I'm just drawing you in for some other ladies who have money to pay for this. How wild. Yes, yes.

I recently just ended all of the subscriptions to my dating sites, like my Tinder, my Hinge, my Raya, my OKCupid. I didn't even realize I was paying for OKCupid. I realized recently that I was doing that, too. Yeah, it was like 200 bucks a year or something stupid like that. Well, I mean, when you think about it, it is kind of worth it because I just feel like I want to know who likes me first. So I don't spend my time like just saving time, more or less. So I don't spend my time like it's just saving time more or less. Yes.

But I was like, I'm literally paying money to a company to sell my information to another company. Well, you're right about that, though. I was like, I can't do this anymore. You have these people money to just sell my. No, I know. I should really just. Well, I don't really go on the apps anymore. I do still have Tinder gold somehow. And I just got rid of my Tinder Gold.

And it is bleak when you look at who likes you. Tinder is so fucking sad. It's bleak. They're all sad. Yeah. I've never met any good person on any of these fucking— No, that's a lie. I've met some nice people.

Have I? I guess the ones that I've met people on are OkCupid and Plenty of Fish years ago. I've never been on Plenty of Fish. That feels like a real throwback. Wait, Grace, we have to take a break. Okay. And we're back.

We were talking about Plenty of fish and I feel like... There's not plenty of fish there. No? There's like dead fish. Little dead jellyfish? Yes. You scoop one up and you're like, I can resuscitate you. Yeah, yeah.

Like, yeah, that one was this one guy dated. He was really nice. Did I ever tell you about rose petals? Was his name Rose Petals? No, but that's what I call him in respect to his identity. Because the story is, well, I mean, the story doesn't make him look that bad. It actually makes me look worse. But there was a time, like I would say a few years back, where I was just on a hot street dating-wise.

I was just like, you know what? I'm just going to be out here on these apps. Like, I'm just going to, like, really put in time and work in it. And I ended up, at this particular time, dating three different men at the same time. Oh, look at you juggling that oh it's never happened before or since but uh it was a very hot time in my life and so between these three men i had the perfect one boyfriend uh each of them you're like that florida lady i know you got three dudes and one's the daddy. All right. I will respect myself in that game. But it was so so there's one guy.

He would take me on the most amazing dates. So he would like do you could tell that he did research. Oh, this is a really good wine bar. And this is what they do well here. And he would, you know, it was very, very sweet. He would like do stuff like write my name in the snow and like bring me flowers and candy. That's too much. It was a lot.

We'll get to why it ended up being too much. Then there was this guy I'll call the stockbroker. He was really funny. So he would make me laugh all the time. He would take me on okay dates, but he never even tried to kiss me during this whole time. It was just like, we met on a dating site. We've been out six times. What is happening? Six times and he hadn't kissed you?

No, he never tried. I don't know what was up with him. Did you try to kiss him? No, because I just like, I like aggression in a guy. Like, I like that. So I will rarely try like for the first time. But like, you know, once we're, you know, dating, obviously I will initiate intimacy. But the first time I like it when a guy does.

And then I was dating this dude i met at a club in harlem um he was so fine he was like and this is rose petal no rose petals was the guy who writes your name in this yeah so this is club man so club man um he had been to Rikers. He was. He had stabbed somebody, girl. He was so fine. Stabbed somebody? So it was just like the type of dude that like you can't really bring him anywhere or whatever. But he was so fun. And he was really sweet.

And, you know he's very good in bed and he was also really good at massages so he would you know he would come over we would pretend

to watch a movie we'd do what we do and then he would give me like a really great massage afterwards and play music so he took care of like the physical stuff

the sock roker was like funny and then Rose Petals was romantic So, he took care of, like, the physical stuff. The stockbroker was, like, funny. And then Rose Petals was romantic. So, you know, I'm dating Rose Petals. It's, like, three months in. And Rikers was the only one I was sleeping with or whatever out of these three guys because, obviously, a stockbroker wouldn't even kiss me. And then I was not sleeping with this romantic guy and so uh I was like okay well I'm not feeling the chemistry so I need to end

this uh because this guy is so sweet or whatever so I was getting ready to end it and then he was like like a full month before Valentine's Day he He's just like, will you be my Valentine? Oh, no. And I was just like. This is a grown ass man asking you to be his Valentine. Yes. And I was just like, oh, OK. And so I was just like, after Valentine's Day, I have to break up with him because like this is God's.

But he looked so hopeful's little eyes and i was just like okay i'll do it so um so we go out for valentine's day we go to this lovely like prefix place i've never been to his apartment before and he's just like well i have a gift for you back at my apartment and i was just like uh well i need to get back to harlem this you know where did he live he lives in brooklyn so i was just like and it was I need to get back to Harlem. Where did he live? He lives in Brooklyn. So I was just like, and it was like a Tuesday night or something like that.

I was just like, well, I got to get back to Brooklyn and thinking I got to break up with this dude. And then he's just like, no, no, no, please. I worked so hard on it. I worked so hard on this gift. And then he gave me this card

and it said, be mine on it and he like asked me to like be his girlfriend and I was like oh no and this is I'm like this is 100% my fault because I've been leading this guy along like going on all these romantic dates with him and then um he's like okay just we're in walking distance from my apartment apartment. I'll show you the gifts and then I will walk you to the train and then you can go back to Harlem. And I was just like, okay, fine. And so I'm walking there. Like we get to the front door. He opens the door.

Rose petals on the floor. And I was just like, oh, no. And I was just like, I had my coat out. I was just like, let me see how long I can ignore these rose petals that are on the floor. You can't ignore rose petals. I was panicking at this point because I was just like, oh no.

And then he was just like, don't you want to see where the rose petals leave? And I was just like, I have an idea, but sure. So they led like through his apartment and he had like a little duplex

and it had like a little spiral staircase and so ooh so he had money so yeah you know and it led upstairs and then he was just like

and of course predictably they led to the bed and I took a look at that bed and I'll be like and I was like I'll never be on that bed

and then he's just like and I have Beyonce radio on because I know you love Beyonce. And I was just like, we should go back downstairs. And so I was just like, I really have to get back to Harlem. You know, I really should go. And he's like, well, just have one drink while I'm here or whatever. Since you walked all the way over here. And I was like, OK. So we start drinking wine.

Then his nose starts gushing blood. Oh, no. I don't know what happened. It was the stress of the situation or whatever. So his nose starts gushing blood. And so I was like, well, I can't leave while his nose is gushing blood. So he goes to the bathroom for like 40 minutes. Oh, no.

And I'm just sitting there like with my coat on, my purse on my shoulder. And then he did walk me to the train and then I called him the next day. And he was just like, was it because of the nosebleed? Oh, no. And I was like, no, it wasn't. I've been feeling this for a while. So, yeah. I was like, no, it was definitely the nosebleed. Oh, no. And I was like, no, it wasn't. I've been feeling this for a while, so, yeah. He was like, no, it was definitely the nosebleed. Yeah, it was...

He probably wakes up in the middle of the night, and he's like, that fucking nosebleed. No, he was such a sweet person. It was me. It was 100% me. I kind of messed that up. But between those three guys, I had the perfect boyfriend for a while.

I like the Rikers, man. I can't imagine ever stabbing someone. I once saw a woman stab somebody. Oh, no. I was at a lesbian bar in New York. The wild shit goes down in New York. It was this place called Girl Nation. I don't know if it still exists.

But there was a bouncer, and then there was a pretty masculine woman and then her very femme girlfriend. And we were all outside smoking cigarettes. And the masculine woman looked at the bouncer and was like, are you looking at my girl? And he goes, no, no, I know where I am. No, I don't. I don't really look at the girls like no. And she was like, you're looking at my girl. And her girlfriend was like,

baby, calm down. And she was like, you will not tell me to calm down. And the bouncer goes, I'm not dealing with this. And made the mistake of turning his back on that woman. And she leapt on his back and stabbed him in the shoulder. Oh, no. It's not funny, but it was

the craziest thing I'd ever seen in person and then me and my friend were like we have to go back inside because I think we were all so stoned

and I was like I think I'm too high for this so we went back inside for like an hour and then I was like I don't want to be I don't feel safe here

so that as we were leaving she was not handcuffed but there was like zip thing oh yeah zip ties she was zip tied behind her back and being tased.

Oh, no. As her girlfriend was like, I told you. I was leaving alone. Jesus Lord. Yeah, I'll never forget it. She was wearing a red tube dress and like red heels. And she was wearing a do-rag and she had braids. It was.

She was trying to stunt for her woman and look what happened. The funniest thing I've ever seen. But also like not funny at the same time. I mean, aggravated assault. She probably had to do a bit. Yeah. So maybe she had to go to Rikers. Maybe she went to Rikers too.

She was Rikers. And then she got out. Maybe she went to Rikers, got out, found her girlfriend and was like, I miss Rikers. I gotta get back there. Maybe. I don't know. What kind of man are you looking for? Oh, that's a good question.

Thank you. I am looking for someone who understands my schedule and what I do. Someone who's like good with that. Because I have ended up dating a lot of dudes who are just like, what do you mean you have to write on a Saturday? And I'm just like, I do. I have, you know, projects that I'm working on. So I have to, you know, my work really never stops. So someone who understands that, somebody who has his own career and his own thing going

on and has his own friends, because I typically attract like clingy guys. So my requirement is just that like you have your own life and we come together and we do fun things together. But like on my love languages, quality time is very low. Like I just I like someone who's got his own life. I got my own life. And we come together and we do. What's high on your love language list?

Well, there's one that everybody's like, oh, I understand that one. But there's one that, like, creates vitriol from people. Like, so number one is acts of service. I like dudes to do things for me and number two is gifts which when people hear gifts they're just like you're a monster you like to receive gifts I do I like to you like for dudes to do stuff for you and to give you gifts yes I don't think that's that weird that's just some people people like things yeah but like it was it's not even like I always feel like I have to explain it because.

Well, gifts aren't always tangible. It's not always like a like you have to buy a bag or something like that. It's like if you know I like this certain kind of ice cream and you're coming over, bring me that kind of ice cream. It's like it's like the thought behind the gift that makes me happy and I like to give gifts a lot too because like you know whenever I'm thinking of someone's birthday or Christmas or something like I really do a lot of research into like what they what I think they would like so I'm terrible at buying people gifts I'll just be like tell me exactly what you want and I'll get you that and then people are like my parents are like that that's not fun yeah I'm like oh would you rather me go buy you something and you go oh thank that. And then people are like, my parents are like, well, that's not fun. Yeah. I'm like, Oh,

would you rather me go buy you something? And you go, Oh, thank you. And then you never use it. Cause you don't like it. That's a good point. But my parents are like that.

And my parents, and I wished for a long time that my parents could like, know me well enough to like, get me something that I would really like. But I just realized, uh, that they will never be that. So now I just, I'm just like, mom I just realized, uh, that they will never be that. So now I just,

I'm just like, mom, give me your credit card and I'll just buy whatever for like birthdays and Christmas and stuff. Because yeah, I bought John Millheiser, my roommate, my roommate,

John Millheiser. I bought him a vintage Mickey mouse leather jacket because he loves Disney. And guess who doesn't like the vintage Mickey Mouse leather jacket I got him? John Millhiser, my roommate, John Millhiser. What, John? Why don't you like it? Why don't you like it? I don't know why he doesn't like it.

But God forbid I don't like any present he gets me. Ooh, I never hear the end of it. John, I mean, that was a very thoughtful gift, Nicole. I thought about it and it was expensive. I thought about it, and it was expensive. I bet it was. It was so expensive. That just, like, I had a friend in high school. She was very into Disney.

Too long, actually. But she was into it until a long time. And so I remember that stuff is really expensive. Like, those sweatshirts and everything. Yes. It was very expensive. And this was like a limited edition fucking like year 2000 celebration. I don't know.

It was like a millennium job. I don't know. I thought it was cute. And I gave it to him before his birthday because I was like, I don't know. I don't want it sitting in my room anymore. And he wasn't excited about it. That's why I don't buy people anything. I don't know what my love languages are.

Did you ever take the test? I've taken the test, and I don't remember. There's like five love languages, right? Yeah, I think I can guess yours. Okay, I guessed them. I think I know you well enough. Because I think I did it in an earlier episode. I just can't remember the results.

I feel like yours might be physical touch. Hell yeah, dude. Touch my titties. Exactly. And I feel like yours would also be acts of service. Do you like people doing things for you? No. Like I get angry sometimes. So sometimes John will fold my laundry. See, I would have thought that words of affirmation might make you angry. No, I like being told I'm a good girl. Okay. So I flipped it. Yeah.

So yeah, words of affirmation. So it's words of affirmation. And physical touch. Physical touch. Gifts. Yes. Acts of service. What's the fifth one?

Oh, quality time. Quality time. I guess quality time slowly and surely is becoming part of my love language. Oh, okay. I like, the last couple people I've dated, I've liked to be able to have access to them when I'm gone. Oh. Which is, I think, a thing that's going to be big for me. Uh-huh.

Like, when I'm done with my show I want to know that you're available to speak to me to talk or text 20 minutes no no I want to speak to you I don't want to text you oh okay vintage you want to get on the phone yes I want to get on the phone and I want to tell you about all the most insane people

uh huh and then I want to go to sleep knowing that you cared about my day aww okay I just want someone who cares about my day quality time and physical touch then I feel talk on my titties and listen to me talk

yes that sounds that sounds right but you should take it you should officially take it and let people know I feel like I have taken it I have to go back and listen to an episode but like I don't think i've ever listened to an episode of my podcast oh you just you just put them in the can you're like that's done i think it would be insane for me to listen to my own voice i also do not like the sound of my own voice

i think you have a very lovely voice thank you it. It's not for me. I think it's very annoying. I think everybody has difficulty listening to their voice. Well, it's because you don't actually know what you sound like, and we all don't know what we look like. It's like a muffled little cavern your head is, and then whatever comes out. For a long time, I thought I had a deep voice,

and I don't think it's deep. No, you do not have a deep voice. But it's not like high-pitched, is it? No. No, it's not high-pitched. It's like in the middle. Okay. Yeah, I don't.

Do you like your voice? I don't. Well, I can like my voice. It depends on where I'm switching in my code, if that makes sense. I feel like depending on where I am, I sometimes take on different voices and some of them I like and some of them I don't. That's the journey of a black woman who works with white people and hangs with the blacks. With the blacks.

And then I have another one because I'm Caribbean, too. So there's that. And then I have another one because I'm Caribbean, too. So there's that. And then also something I've learned is that, you know, I lived in New York for 15 years. So there's a little bit of New York in my voice at times. But then when I go home to Michigan, I start talking really Midwestern. Ew. So I have a lot of codes to switch or whatever.

Yes, she meant it. Who are you, Grace? Who knows? Who are you? This is what I'm in deep therapy for. I'm trying to figure it out. Oh, going back to being touched. I like being touched when I like the person. If I don't know you and I don't like you, please don't touch me.

No. People at my meet and greets have taken to rubbing my lower back no I was in Boston I sold out the Wilbur no big deal yes I was really proud of myself I didn't think I was gonna do it but I did it um but it was such a fun show and then I did a meet and greet after the first show and this man who came alone which is fine i encourage everybody to do stuff by themselves i like to go to eat go to eat go to the eat i like to eat by myself i like to do shit by myself and um he was by himself so i didn't think anything of it uh and i guess i still don't but when we took the picture he just like really rubbed my lower back in a way that i was like

i think you're trying to fuck me and this is not how you do it. And then he was like grinning at me too close. Oh, no. It didn't make me happy. But also use your words, sir. If you want to ask her out, just ask her out. Well, when people use their words, it gets very awkward. Oh, no.

Because I'm not going to just fuck a person who's like, do you want to fuck? When we haven't had like a drink. Yeah. There's no rapport. Do people say that to you? Yes. Yeah.

When I do a question and answer at my live episodes of why won't you date me? People will proposition me for threesomes or during meet and greets. They'll be like, just so you know, my wife gave me a celebrity pass and you're it. And I'm like, well, I'm not a celebrity. I'm mildly successful. So I can't be it. You are a celebrity. I am mildly successful.

I mean, I sold maybe 50 tickets a show this weekend in Buffalo. That's bad. I think the room sat like maybe 250. But didn't you say Celine was in town and all these other things? Sure, but if I was a celebrity, I would be competing with Celine as opposed to people just being like, no, not that one. Whatever. They crazy, though. They should have gone and laughed.

I mean, Celine is wonderful, but she gave them. I love Celine. Also, did you know in Buffalo, they don't call them buffalo wings. They're just called chicken wings. Oh, is that like a sore subject for people? Oh, I don't know. Some woman yelled at me during the show. I was like, I got to get out of here and eat my buffalo wings.

And she was like, chicken wings, chicken wings. She had like a conniption. I was like, what is wrong with you? She's like, we don't call them buffalo wings. We eat the chicken wings. People have like weird hangups about their identity of their city. It's just like, relax. Have you never been outside this city before?

I don't think she has. Because everywhere else in America calls them buffalo wings. Yeah. Not me being stupid. You should be happy that your city is getting a shout out. Right? And some delicious chicken. My goodness.

Oh, boy. I know that a dude's not going to, like, stop at my front door, but, like, I'm tired of looking. No, me too. I'm tired of doing the apps. That's why I'm doing the matchmaker because they at least screen the people a little bit. I tried to do a matchmaker,

but I didn't answer the questions in a way they thought I was serious. I was like, I don't know how to answer questions other than the way I answered those questions. Well, I don't answer the questions in a way they thought I was serious. I was like, I don't know how to answer questions other than the way I answered those questions. Well, I don't know. Maybe try a different service. Is it expensive? The one I did was one of the less expensive ones.

Like I have a friend who hers I think is almost $10,000. Whoa. Mine is less than a quarter of that. So, you know, that I can't do math, but like, that's less.

$10,000 is so much money. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm just like for $10,000. Is somebody coming to eat your pussy? Right. Yeah.

Eat my pussy. Fuck me for $10,000. I don't know. That seems like a lot, but for me that seems like a lot but for me I was just like oh well I can this this one seems affordable and then I had a friend who was doing it too so um yeah I'm I've met three men so far through it um one, I stopped dating because he was too good of a dad. What? Like he was a good daddy? He was a really, no, he was a good father. And I admired that about him.

But he literally like led with, my daughter is my best friend. And she's five. And so. That means he's dumb. I get up at 530, even when her mother has her. I get up at 530 every morning because I have a more flexible schedule. And I take her to school every morning. I try to have dinner with her every night.

And I have all these friends who had kids at the same time. So we do a lot of play dates on the weekends. Sometimes we'll drive them up to palm springs and i was just like wow i was just like i am childless my womb is empty i can't relate to all this child caregiving it was just a little too much shaking my head in silence it sounds upsetting it was imagine being around a child for that long and then inviting her friends to shit yeah when I said he was dumb I was just like

what do you talk about with a child so school was good okay you drew what oh wow a picture you picked out

your own outfit well you look insane it's very sweet because like they used to do like little they did like they would make

videos together and stuff like that so but I was just like that's too intense so I was just like, that's too intense. So that was, that was. Was the little girl cute?

Did you get to meet her? I'm weird about asking strangers to see their children. So I didn't ask. He did not offer a picture and I did not ask because I'm just like, I'm a stranger.

Where did you go on your first date? Discovery Zone? No. We went to EPLP. Where did you go on your first date? Discovery Zone? No. We went to EPLP. Where's that? It's in West Hollywood. It's, like, that little rooftop bar thing.

Was he hot? He was okay. Are these dudes hot? I mean, none of them have been, like, drop-dead gorgeous, but it's okay. And then you don't know what they look like before you get there. So, wait, how, and then you don't know what they look like before you get there. Cause they, wait, how do they find you? So you just give them like the,

what I did. I did one just on Friday. And how was that? Um, that one, uh, I, I,

I don't know how I felt about it. It was, um, the opposite. So the first two guys I went out with, it almost felt like, you know,

a general meeting or something like that. Like, there was no, like, real flirtation to it. And, you know,

the first guy was talking about his dad was, like, his daughter was his best friend and then the second guy was like, you know, we worked in the same industry

so we were just, like, talking about, like, television or whatever. And like, you know, we worked in the same industry. So we were just like talking about like television or whatever. And then this guy was the just super forward, like super like he kissed me like a half hour into the day. On the lips? On the lips. Did he ask? With a tongue.

No, he did not ask. Were you like sitting at a table? We were sitting at a table like in a booth and he just like leaned over and I was like, ah! And then, but then I sort of let it happen because I was just like, okay, well, I guess this is happening. Was it a good kiss? It was okay. It was just, I don't, I don't typically like, I'm not a person that's against a first date kiss. But, you know, I typically, that doesn't happen.

Like, you know, guys these days are a little bit more restrained, I think. Really? Yeah, he was, like, going. And he, for the rest of the night, he, like, tried to put his hand up my dress. And it was just so much. It was, he was so physically aggressive that I, I don't know. I don't know. He was smart.

Like he had a good job. He was, he was nice, but I think I was very taken aback and a little turned off by how like forward he was I don't like that I mean I don't think I've ever been out with a guy who was like trying to put his hand up my dress during the date yeah I feel like first date any dude I've ever fucked on the first date and by any dude I mean all of the dudes I've fucked on the first date and the way it happens is as we're like leaving the bar they're like can I kiss you and I'm like yep and then they're like can I take you home and I'm like yes it's all like nice questions yeah that's how I feel it should go but this dude was just I don't know if he'd had too many drinks or whatever but he was just like at one point he like reaches

around and was like tugging at my bra and like i was just like what is happening yeah it was just like so much it was just very intense you can't do that yeah so i don't think uh i don't think there'll be a second date i mean thank you i was just very floored by it uh but um I was just like oh well I guess I told the matchmaker that the first couple dates I had the guys

were very passive well she found somebody not passive she was like I'll make her regret saying passive but like I don't think she

would have had any idea that it would have been like that yeah I can't believe I could never imagine a man trying to undo my bra at a bar yeah it was like what are you doing did you ever ask him were you like what's up what's going on no I because first of all I'd had a few drinks myself and I was just like what is happening

and honestly the writer in me gets me into trouble sometimes because sometimes I knew I was not going to leave the bar with this person. I knew that I would wouldn't let him touch me, you know, in certain ways. So but I was I'm always just kind of like, let's see where this goes. Like because I see if we could get stories like another guy that I went on a date with in New York. I should have left the first wild thing he said to me. But I was just like, I'm going to keep going with this because I just want to see like this is an interesting character to me. I mean, I truly love when someone says something wild and you're like, you know what? I will stay.

I'll stay for a little bit longer because I need to know what else you're going to say to me. No, it was crazy. So this one guy in New York, we went to brunch. And so we were walking to brunch. First of all, I agreed to coffee because my therapist at the time, I was like in a bad place. I just didn't want to date right at that point. So my therapist was just like, just do coffee, do daytime, like low pressure. Like, so it doesn't feel like so overwhelming to you.

So we agreed to coffee. So predict the place in Harlem where we were going to coffee. It was packed. So that was not his fault. And he's just like, well, let's go to brunch. And I was like, all right. But I was just like, fine, we're on this journey now so literally he starts like off like you know I wasn't gonna contact you again and I was just like okay and then he's just like but you know

I'm a professor in Greek pathology he's not I don't think and then he's just like and I was reading about this goddess named Grace and I knew knew it was time for me to contact you. And I was like, what goddess named Grace? There's no goddess named Grace in Greek mythology. So I was just like, OK. And then he's just like, yeah, I don't know why I'm single. I have no idea why I'm single. And I was just like, OK, you know, yeah, it's hard out here.

And then he's just like, all I want is for somebody to suck my dick and make me a sandwich. And if the jelly from the sandwich falls on my belly,

I want her to lick it off. We had not gotten to the restaurant at that point, so I really should have made a laugh and just left his ass on the street.

But I was just like, I have to know what else this person is gonna say I was like we're in public or whatever so nothing terrible is gonna happen so I was just decide to go with it he said the wildest things the rest of the date he was just like at one point he's just like yeah you know I think people should have sex right away and I'm just like okay I understand you feel that way and then he's just like yeah you know i think people should have sex right away and i'm just like okay i understand you feel that way and then he's just like because there was this lady in my office and she was dating this dude for like three months and they didn't have sex because she

was trying to like you know be too cute or whatever i don't know who she thought she was okay i don't know who she thought she was. And then he was just like, you know. And then, you know, she fucked him. And it turned out he had a small dick. And then he looks me in the eye. He's like, I got a big dick. Oh, my God. What?

Grace, you attract the strangest men. It's true. While we were working together on Lucy Exactly, you were dating this dude who, or just talking to this dude, who was like a writer. Oh's true. Because while we were working together on Lucy Exactly, you were dating this dude who, or just talking to this dude, who was like a writer who would post pictures of like sports cars that weren't his, inspirational quotes, pages of scripts

that were badly written. Yes. He was great. Did you ever go out with him? I went out with him twice. And yeah, he was just like, he was a frustrated writer, I think, and you know, it turned into more of

like, he was almost like seeking career advice and stuff. But yeah, like, he was such a gentleman in person, but then you went to his Instagram and he would just have the most offensive memes. He would take pictures of his meal prep, which I think is the most offensive of all.

Yeah, pictures of, like, meal prep, pictures of, like, Maseratis, pictures of, like, fat women being like, go to the gym. He was very funny. He was the fucking worst. So we would put his Instagram up at work and just, like, go through it. It was rough. I loved it. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't. I attract a very strange I I don't attract like normal men I mean I've you know my boyfriends who I've dated have been great you know I'm was friends with all of them after but uh but as far as like I end up on some crazy dates, I do. I love it. Grace, we've come to the end. Oh. Is there anything you want? Wait, no.

I need to ask you. Would you ever date me? Yes. Oh, my God. I keep forgetting. I would. I feel like if I dated you, like, you would introduce me to, like, new things. Like, we would go to pole dancing class together. Yes, you would introduce me to, like, new things. Like, we would go to pole dancing class together.

Yes, we would. I would not get on a motorcycle with you. Well, I wouldn't let you for the first year I was learning. But then I feel like I could watch you ride the motorcycle. Like, I feel like it would be a very yin and yang type thing. I think it would be good. Yay! Thank you, Grace. Is there anything you want to promote? It would be like it would be a very yin and yang type thing. I think it would be good. Yay. Thank you, Grace.

Is there anything you want to promote? Well, I don't really have anything personally at the time. When is the new season of Insecure premiering? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell, but I think that I think it's definitely in 2020 and hopefully in early 2020, I think, comes out. So, but it's on HBO Go and HBO Now, so you could catch up on the season in anticipation. So you can watch that new season so Grace can get her residuals. Well, yeah. Well, honestly, this is my first season, so the past seasons I won't get residuals on. No, that's what I'm saying.

When the new season comes in. When the new season comes on, I'll get my residuals. Stream it. Watch it. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You can subscribe on iTunes and stuff. There's like Spotify. There's a lot of platforms

that you could listen to it on. Get it on all the platforms. I've been trying to figure out how to do my Spotify streaming thing, but I can't do it. I don't think because I don't have a Spotify account. But then Marissa tried to help me, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. I don't know. I feel like an old woman who's stupid.

No, you're not. I'll never figure out who's perfect. You're not old or stupid, Nicole. I'm old and stupid. But if you send me something nasty, I will read it. This person said,

I would get my tongue surgically split in half like a snake and extend it so I could eat you out and rim you. Wow! Wow.

What a well-balanced meal. That is so disgustingly creative. And then let me read another one. Hello, Nicole. I'm a big fan of yours, and I just wanted to say that even though most men still consider being fat unattractive,

you are probably the most gorgeous, hottest, sexiest woman I've ever seen, and if given the chance, I would happily date you. Honestly, really took aiest woman I've ever seen. And if given the chance, I would happily date you. Honestly, really took a turn. I was like, this man's not nice. I was worried. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, he's the nicest.

But I mean, yeah. Well, you know, you didn't have to mention that first part. OK. Thank you for coming, Grace. Bye. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye Bye bye Bye bye This has been A Team Coco production.