Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hiring a Zoom Stripper (w/ Liza Treyger)

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

Comedian and friend Liza Treyger (Night Owl, host of That's Messed Up) returns to the podcast! She shares her sobering experience hiring a Zoom stripper for a bachelorette party, how Heated Rivalry changed her life, and the struggle of making friends easily while her dating life remains in the dumps. Liza tells the story about how she got scammed by a stylist while making her Netflix special, her goal to quit weed for a relationship, and why she believes it's an actual safety hazard to date a man who isn't completely obsessed with you.Watch Liza's special, Night Owl on Netflix.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:• BetterHelp: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/dateme today to get 10% off your first month.• Audible: Listen to Heads Will Roll: Heir Apparent, available now on Audible. Go to Audible.com/headswillrollseries to start listening today.Check out all of our sponsors and discount codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. During pandemic, we did a Zoom Bachelorette. We got a Zoom stripper. Whatever. Times were weird. So the guy is like... Zoom stripper. So he's stripping in the kitchen, right?

And it's like weird. You could see his trash can. It's like uncomfortable. But he's doing a good job. But eventually he goes, oh, I'll take a shot with you guys. I think my roommate has some vodka. And it's like, you don't have to say it was your roommate's vodka. You know what I mean?

Like, why are you doing this? Like, why, like, you're a stripper, we're paying you. You just ruined the fantasy. No, we loved it. I mean, it's like, great. I love that it's your roommate's vodka you're taking for your strip Zoom. No, it's terrible, but the idea of being that honest when it's like just, we would have believed it's your vodka. Yeah.

Like, why can't you let us think it's yours? Because he's too honest. It's just like the treadmills in the background. It's just like, it's too real. The nice man in my life once planned a surprise trip for us to add a while. And it was unbelievable. He booked a stay on Airbnb and found this absolute dream of an A-frame cabin tucked right into the snowy mountains. It was gorgeous and sat on this massive private property, which meant my dog Clyde also had a fun vacation roaming the woods all by himself.

Then we finally went into town and discover Isle-while is literally the greatest place on Earth. Do you know who their mayor is? A golden retriever name Mayor, Max the Third. I'm not joking. You can go downtown on the weekends and actually meet the mayor. and his staff of deputy golden retrievers. And when we got back to the cabin, we had this private hot tub all to ourselves

under the pine trees and enjoyed a private sunset view of the mountains. It was so romantic and cozy. It felt like our own private sanctuary, and it made the trip just so special. I'm glad he found that cabin. When you book a stay on Airbnb, you find these absolute gems

that are so much more spacious and have so much more personality. It really elevates any trip into a memorable one. Give it a try yourself. The next time you travel, try booking your next day on Airbnb. The other episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A Podcaster, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my wrist and tell me it is a beaded bracelet.

My guest today is a comedian and host of the podcast. That's messed up. Her special, which is very funny. Night Owl is streaming on Netflix. I've known her for a very long time. Once in 2019, we tried to put together a tour called Spice World. That didn't happen because of something I like to call COVID. It's leave.

Oh, a blessing to be here. Oh, just a beautiful, beautiful blessing. So long in the making. It really is. The emails have been piling for years, I would say. Are you dating right now? I'm really trying to, I'm in hypnotherapy, getting ready. No, I'm out.

It's like a place in my life where I struggle, like always, but I'm finally making moves, but maybe they're not. They're like, well, because to my hypnotherapist, I'm like, nothing's working. And she goes, well, let's read your goals from day one. And that's been working. So we'll see. Okay. Because I know that your type of girl looks like a backstreet boy slash Miley Cyrus.

Your type of guy is burlier and bearded. And you're attracted to people who can walk a dog with no leash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually all good. But I'm more open. I'm more open and not. But like those are the types. has a leash on the dog?

Yes, because it's a loss. But it's about how you like have the relationship with someone that you're in control of. It's like very telling. Oh, okay. So it's like if a pet is like walking near you by choice, it's like nice. It's hot. Yes. I get it.

I think that is nice. It's hot. You're one with nature. One with nature. It's like cool. So, okay. Do you want a lot? I want a soulmate.

You want a soulmate? I want to be in love. I want to be in full on love. Okay. Always. It's like always when I'm chasing. Or I guess like a hot, like a fair at one, like times or another like hookups, I guess. But like I'm really bad at casually dating. I project too much onto people too fast. I like, I don't know how to be.

It's like I'm all in or I don't want it. I don't want to even. I don't want that. I don't want to get to know you. I don't want to get to know you. I want you to be the projected version of you. Would you date a comic? I have and I don't think so.

I think I need to be the. one. Okay. I need to be the one. I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They could have like a tough schedule, but I'd prefer to be the one. That's like the one. Is it because you don't want to like hear about their struggles? No. I think I'm like good at what I do and I wouldn't want, I don't know if I want to fuck someone worse than me. And I think the people that are better than me are like fucking better people or something. You know what I mean? Like they don't want me. No, I get it. Honestly, this tracks.

So I'm in this place where I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to find out there. But I want someone that, like, is passionate about their life and what they do and have joy. Like, to me, I don't like bitter. I don't want anger. I, like, want people that like what's up. And even if their job is not their passion, but they make their life their passion, it's nice. Like, I'm open to all that.

But, like, I don't need you telling me about, you know, trying to get a tight five together. It's, like, sickening. You know what I mean? I can't even imagine. Yeah. I went to this open mic in? Okay, great. Cool.

I won't come to your bringer show. And at this point we know everybody. Yes. It's like there's, I can't imagine something new. Maybe a lawyer. There was like a lawyer at Hulu. No, I don't know. I'd like to live a life in New York.

Would you, okay, say you meet somebody and they're everything you've ever wanted. Okay. And you're like, this is my fucking soulmate. You, like, gelled together on everything. And then they were like, hey, I just have, like, one thing. Would you give up weed for me? Honestly, someone's got to stop me. You know what I mean?

God bless them, if it's them. They could be the aid into my care. Like, I'll quit. Like, fuck. Somebody's got to stop me. I'm addicted. My throat hurt. It's not serving me.

I'm, like, tired all day, but I'm not. I'm just high. I'm like high from morning and night. I'm at Soul Cycle. I'm everywhere high. Hi, out of my mind at all times. When did that start? I'm so curious.

Too long ago, it's embarrassing, honestly. Like, I think I've been smoking, like, since I was 21, almost. But it used to be bowls, so it was like more, and I was younger. Now the weed's stronger. I'm buying pre-rolls multiple times a week. It's a nightmare. I'm not even feeling high anymore. Nothing hits.

Like, the 20% don't do nothing. The 38% make me too tired. And I have work to do. You know what I mean? Like, I am busy and I have to stay up late. So I don't know what I'm going to do But I add the near The end is near

The end is near But I'm scared Do you think you'll give it up by yourself? I hope so I really hope so It's not serving me It's served me for a really long time But I know it's not

It's like not my full self And I can be more I think if I wasn't a pothead I'd be too powerful I would be in prison Like thank God I had sweet to climb me down I would be in prison

And I'd been to jail a few times But like I would be in prison How many times have you been to jail? I've been arrested three times and I just serve a couple days from some of the charges. Can I ask? Yeah, being a drunk bitch. Oh.

Always. But under the age of 21. So to me, like, none of that really, like, matters. I've been arrested... Once? For being a drunk bitch show or what? No, I was sober. I was shoplifting from, guess what?

Old Navy. Which is back. Yeah. They just did a collaboration with Christopher Rogers. Who's a designer? What if it was Christopher Nolan? That's what I thought you were going to say. Christopher Nolan did a collaboration.

collaboration with Old Navy for The Odyssey. Imagine. Oh, he's working on it now, huh? I think it's done. Oh, it's done. I don't know. I think it comes out soon. It's like weird sometimes I hate myself. Like, when I go, oh, that press run was amazing.

Like, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Sometimes I watch an interview or a GQ, things that can't live without and be like, this is fun. Robert Pattinson never cared about him. After these couple press runs, I go, that's my guy. That's my guy. He's very silly. I just noticed your sweatshirt is gorgeous.

Thank you. It's really gorgeous. I wore it whale watching so that they would know I was an ally and a friend. And did they hop around for you? One whale did. It was a huge whale. It was so cool. He would like calm up for air and then go down and they do it a couple times where they go deep, deep down.

I think like off Huntington Beach. Okay. It was in California. But once I wore a flamingo sweatshirt to meet ostriches. and one bit me. Wow. Yeah. I was trying to let it know,

let them know that I was a friend, not a thaw, and I think I was like having too good of a time, and one just fucking bit me as I was feeding it. Damn. I was really sad. Because flamingos, I bet like the other birds are jealous of flamingos. Maybe. Maybe they were like, oh, so you're wearing like a flashy fucking bird here.

Everyone loves the flamingos. I mean, they're great. They're also, like, usually, like, you were walking in the zoo and then you see the sea of pink, you know, it's, like, nice. So Shear once brought me to, we were in Vegas, and she brought me to the Flamingo Hotel where they have Flamingos, and I burst into tears. I've stayed there.

At the D.C. Zoo, I was walking with a nice man in my life, and he had walked ahead of me, and he went, hey, close your eyes. And I said, okay. And then he led me over to the Flamingos. And he was like, open your eyes. And they were like, they're just a bunch of flamingos, like moving and grooving and doing shit. And I burst into tears. And you didn't know that was happening?

No, I didn't realize that we had gotten to the flamingos. Wow. And it was really nice. Yeah. I love a flamingo. And a surprise, a thoughtful surprise. Yes. A journey walk.

Yes. A journey walk. You're living the dream. Have you been on any dates recently? No. What's one of the ones? Someone told me they were going to take me on a date and then the. And they did it.

And then they said, wait, I still have to take you to dinner. I know. Real quick. We have to take a break. Check it out. Comedy royalty, Kate McKinnon returns as Queen Mortruana in heads will roll, air apparent, the highly anticipated sequel to Audubles' fan favorite original comedy series. She's flanked once more by co-star Emily Lynn and a new star-studded ensemble,

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash date me for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash date me. What's one of the worst dates you've ever been on? I don't even go on dates that much. I've gone on like really terrible days where people just aren't nice to me and I'm still okay with it. And then they're just so mean that I'm like, I truly wanted to fuck so bad.

Like, I can't believe you're doing this to me. You know what I mean? It's like, the worst. The worst thing you put your pussy on the counter and someone just like won't ask you a question. And they just like bat it away. We're like meeting at the hotel. You're like nagging me playing a game. I'm like, I couldn't be more desperate.

I like cried last night. This is obviously like a desperate weird thing. And you still can't like what the, I don't even like you. Yes. I don't even like you. Yeah. Like what the fuck? So that's like the worst, I think.

I met this guy. And you took the bus. I'm like, okay, cool. You took the bus to the day. Like, I don't know. What's wrong with the bus? With him, it was an issue. Why?

I take the bus all the time. Is this in New York City? Yes, I take the bus all the time, but you know what I mean. Yeah, because there is some, there is like bus behavior. You know what it, this is what it's like. So during pandemic, someone was, we did a Zoom Bachelorette. We got a Zoom stripper, whatever. Times were weird.

So the guy is like. Zoom stripper. So he's stripping in the kitchen, right? And it's like weird. could see his trash back hand. It's like uncomfortable, but he's doing a good job. But eventually he goes, oh, I'll take a shot with you guys. I think my roommate has some vodka. And it's like, you don't have to say it was your roommate's vodka. You know what I mean? Like, why are you doing this? Like, you're a stripper. We're paying you. You just ruined the fantasy. No, we loved it.

I mean, it's like great. I love that it's your roommate's vodka you're taking for your strip Zoom. No, it's terrible. But the idea of being that honest when it's like just, we would have believed it's your vodka? Yeah. Like, why can't you let us think it's yours? Because he's too honest. It's just like the treadmills in the background. It's just like it's too real.

That's what I meant here. It's like, take the bus, do whatever. I don't know. The bus is not the issue and I regret bringing it. Because I like the bus more than the train because you can be on your phone the whole time. You can be on your phone the whole time on the train. Sometimes if you're going the L underneath the ground and at the stops,

but you can't from stop to stop. You read a lot. But that's a new. That's a new hobby. I picked it up in January. Oh, okay. He did rivalries is what got me to read.

Yes. So after Rachel read, I read all eight of her books, then I read a bunch of others, and then I, you know, then I've been reading some murder stuff yesterday year, James Baldwin.

Do you read on the train? But the James Baldwin's gay. I need gay. I do. It's one of my favorite places to read. It is, yeah. Like, sometimes I'll take, I'll just like take the local.

Yeah. Like when I'm in the city, I'll take the local just so I can read a little bit more. I've been reading at the park bench. It's nice, right? When I nanny it, I would go to Central Park and I would just,

read. It's so nice. I miss the city so much. It's like a blessing because like sometimes like internally like I'll try to bitch about stuff or whatever you feel so like. And then I'm like it's a weekday. I'm sitting on a bench in New York City reading a book. Yeah.

Like I think I'm in the top 1% for sure. Yeah. This is crazy. I love the M 104 bus because it goes down Broadway. Okay. And I don't like it goes from the upper west side. I think into Times Square. But I just really like just going down Broadway, hitting Lincoln.

Lincoln Center. Oh, gorgeous. Fountain, yeah. I just, I love New York City. I love New York City. You lived out here for a little bit. I did for four years, but it was pandemic, and so I left for 10 months because my dad had, like, heart surgery.

Mm-hmm. So, to go isolate and help out, but, yeah. Here. So you're learning Russian. Well, I speak Russian. Yes, you speak Russian, but you're like fine-tuning. Yeah, so basically what happened was. Is that a Tiffany's necklace?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And two bracelets. Let me see. But, so your necklace is the one that was like all the rage in high school. Yes. All of the cool girls had that necklace. Of course. So I bought it last year.

I did watch what happens live. And it was like such an accomplishment in my life. So I bought this to wear on it. And I did buy Mitzvacore. How much was it? It's like, honk, honk. It's not that much. Okay.

I mean, cut that. It's not that much. Somebody's rent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't care. I wanted it. Sure, whatever.

It didn't even matter how much of us. I was just asking because I was like, I wonder how much it was for the girls I went to school with. It was cheaper because, like, the bracelets now are like four to 600 and they used to be 200 something. Oh, my God. Because that's why it used to be like such a, it's like fancy, but it's, I even tell people, like, if you want to make an impact on someone, you can get a silver thing for like $3,400. But the Tiffany's of it all does make people so happy. It's a beautiful little blue box. And when you go to the landmark, they're so nice to you.

I love my sales associate, Andrew. They are really nice to you. We DM. Yeah, of course they are. We DM. I DM. I'm dying. We DM. I DM with him. We follow each other. I mean, I love to. I love the relationships you have. I know, but why can't I go on a date? Like, this is my problem. I'm just like, I'm friends with the bookstore girl. The postage girl. I'm like running around town. But it's like where, where's my person? I think you're going to find me soon. I'm at the museums. I'm at the plays. I'm at the music. I'm like out and about. I'm at the parks. I go to the Mexican restaurants.

Well, do you talk to people outside of the service industry? Like, that are part... Like, when you're in the park... Yeah, like, I saw Falcon grab a rat, and me and these girls on the bench talked about it, but it's like, I don't want to fuck those girls. I get it. I saw a falcon grab a rat.

Fuck those girls. Again, remember when I said earlier, you say sentences I've never fucking heard before? I connect with people out and about. They just don't want to have sex with me. Or if they do, I'm like, how do you're... I would never, you know. Like, I'm like, either pissed.

I'm pissed no matter what. I went to the Tiffany store in the Americana, and I walked in and I was like, I'm not buying a thing. So they were like, great. And then everyone just, like, remained on their phones. And then I was like, actually, I have a very tacky question. What's the most expensive thing here? And he lit up and he was like, oh, come on over. He was like, this necklace.

Guess how much it is? And I was like, okay, $180,000. Can I guess? Yes. I'm going to say $2.3 million. No. It's the Americana. Okay.

I'm going to say $750,000. Let's bring it down. It's the Ameri-Qa-Qa-Kana. I don't know. I don't know. It's a fucking mall. Okay, $250. 280.

Okay. But I was just like that, imagine being able to walk into a store and go that. I want that. 280,000 dollars. Christina Ritchie had a quote like that one. And so she was like, you know, the first time I bought like a $6,000 dress. Like I could not believe it. And she's like, and now I just buy $6,000 dresses.

And like that's like it. Because that's what I feel about my life. Like I used to buy it for over 21 and then it was anthropology. And now, and then eight, like, and now I guess, I don't know. I hire someone to shop for me. You hire someone to shop for you? Yeah, so it's easier. It's better.

What do you mean? Like, somebody bought this? Yeah, she bought this. And these sneakers. And she put it together too? No. Like, but it's made packing easier because I know things work together and how, like, I don't know if she would put these shoes with this, but I'm gone from 8 a.m.

until like 11 p.m. tonight, so it doesn't matter. Like, I'm wearing my sneakers. But when I wear her, like, it makes packing easier. I know what works with what. And basically, like, I'll tell her, I want rugby stuff. So she got me like this, a crop top. Or I'll be like, I need jeans. I need shorts for this.

I need a bathing suit for this. I need this. And she helps me, she makes me feel good about myself because things just kind of fit. And they look good and I feel great. You don't have like the thrill of the hunt of something? Absolutely not. I grew up I grew up in T, like, we grew up poor.

Okay, so yeah, I don't want to dig. I'm not digging. I'm not digging. I'm not digging. Okay. I grew up. And it's sized stuff too. Like, I guess if I could like dig around at the third.

What am I digging for? I'll pay this woman. I don't know. Fair, but I dug and found this. No, I, yeah. And I complimented it. I loved. Oh, cool.

I cropped it and I sewed the band back on. Whoa. I'm having fun. I'm doing crafting. I am doing crafting. Wait. Damn. You're fluent in Russian.

But with this, yeah, she just for the spring. I go, I need sweaters for this, but I'm also new to pants. I didn't wear pants my whole life. Really? You were just wearing dresses and skirts? Yeah, and tights. Like, if you look back, like, I really didn't wear pants and now I wear pants and and craw, like, I don't know.

It's just easier because I'm not good. I don't know. I like it. I need to figure out because. But she keeps it cheap. Like, she'll shop at ACE. It's not like she's doing high ticket items. Like, a lot of my stuff's gap.

Like, it's not like she's then going and sourcing from Dior. Like, she's getting just... One of my favorite tops that I get complimented on the most was the Stranger Things Walmart collection. Oh. Like a $14 shirt. So it's not high-end items. I'm just like... She just gets me going.

I like that. How'd you find her? So I accidentally hired a grifter for my Netflix special. And then four days before the special, I didn't have anything to wear. and the production company, the Hoff Studios. Wait, that's wild. How did you find this person? And what's their name?

You know it's Instagram. You know it's Instagram. Are they still working? No, I should have known they're not a stylist. They don't have a full-length mirror. There was a chinchilla. I had to buy my own chinchilla. Like, I should have.

All the signs were there, but I want to trust an artist. Sentences I've never fucking heard before. And Cindy came with me and she goes, I know, she goes, that chinchilla is unwell. That nose is dry and I know there's a problem. Like, she's like, she's known chinchillas. for a while. So did you pay this person before you saw that there was no full-length mirror and a sick-ch-ch-tillet? Oh, no. They were not paid my production, put them on do not work lists everywhere. Like, I'm blown fucking away. Because he was like, he was, he goes, I want to do

a custom piece for you. And there's like this young designer. And the young designer also booked like a real, like a cooler person music video that all, everything is fine. But it's like, then release, this is actually the biggest day of my life. And then when everything started falling apart. I kind of want to show you the photo of me in the final dress. But like, please show it to me. My face is full panic.

Nothing is finit. And they didn't get it. I was like, so what tights or what this? He goes, oh, day of we'll figure it out. And I go, no, no, there's no day of. They kept thinking fashion, fashion photo shoot, not my life's work. And I was like, it's a little tight. He goes, oh, it's fine.

And then Julia was like. My best friend, she was a producer on it. And she was like, so what are we going to do? Like, we could see the tights through this cut out. And he goes, oh, no, no, and he'll see the back. And it's like, no, we're taping me, walk to the state. Like, they just thought they were the person. He obviously came from money.

The young one didn't. He should have been in charge. Like, it just was crazy. And so then the producers contacted Alana. So her name's Alana Kellan. And then by the next day at 6 p.m., I had, by that morning, I had a day had a deck. Uh-huh.

By that evening, I had a fitting. Uh-huh. Options, scores. The way things should go. Yeah, like, all the things I know come with a job. Would be happening. You wouldn't be tight in the shoulders. They didn't care about me.

And so, like, so I got really lucky with Alana. And then the second or third outfit I put on is what I wore. And it was great and I was comfortable. And then she bought, like, all this stuff for my press or whatnot. And then spring or winter, something was coming. And I'm like, can you, like, get me ready for the season? Mm-hmm. And it's just been awesome because I don't have to think as much and I feel good and stuff.

And she picks things I would never find. And then I get all these compliments that and things that I'm like, oh, it's just a T-shirt. I do really like this dress. Yeah, it's cute. And so. I want to wear more dresses, but my thighs rubbed together. Well, I use Megababe. It's a Megababe thigh rescue.

I have that. And it, like. And I do scent, without scent. And it's change. I have them in every purse and I love it and it works for me. How often do you have to apply it? I don't. I keep up, I mean, are, am I walking the boardwalk?

I'll put it in my purse. But like today, I think it'll last all day. But I'm like in a car. I'm not like taking steps today. Okay. But I love. I love it. Okay.

I know I need to find it. I need to find it. Okay, years, months. Like, did I have it in a collection? So this is the sketch. So this is what they pitched me. Okay. So this is what they pitched me.

And I went, and I went, cool, boat. Like, that, like, is an elevate. I love that. And then, like, this is what I got. Oh. And they were charging me, like, five grand. They didn't get paid. But to me, it's like, I could have gotten a custom, like, product outfit, I think.

Like, I could have got in a luxury dress for $5,000. Whoa. Do you mind describing for the last? listeners, what it kind of, expectations versus reality. Lisa, I could make this. And then they didn't have it ready. So Friday and then Saturday, so I'm like, you basically made my dress within 12 hours for a thing that's the great, that's like the culmination of a 15-year career.

That means a lot to me. And maybe this music video you booked is more important for you. And that's amazing. You release me. Yes. So this sketch is hot. So it's like pinks, purples, there's roging on the side. There's a corseted.

It looks a little corseted in the middle, deep v-neck. Yeah, it's a corset underneath. Cheer sleeves, I would say. Plaid, pink, orange, purple. And then what you got was nothing of the sort. These buttons are from Michaels. the collar is not the same collar. It is a weird 80s, like, deep V collar.

It's like ice skaters on ice from 1990. Yes. That's being generous. Yeah. This is one of the wildest things I have ever fucking seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so sorry. God bless.

God bless. And I want to find the picture of me, like, in it. Because the panic on my face. The sketches. This is hot. Like, the sketch, I steal it and have it made because the sketch is nice. But what they turned out, I literally could probably make in... Well, and you're sewing.

You cropped that sweatshirt. Yes, but I'm a beginner-level seower. And that's incredible. What they made is just, like, it's a very easy pattern. It's panels. The hard part I would have is with the collar. but it's a, I would say one, two, three, four, five. It's like five or six panels.

You just have to cut it out, sew it together, and that's it. Yeah, it's like one of the craziest things. It's super fucking wild. Okay, this is me in the dress on the Friday before my Tuesday tape it. It's just like so sad. Like, it finally hit me that I trusted the wrong part. Like, can you imagine my Netflix special in the South? outfit? Yes. What you ended up wearing is so cute. You look so good. And she found that in,

this was Friday night. They reached out to her and by Saturday night. We had a fitting and then I felt chill. And then like day up, she had static guard spray. She had tapes. She had socks. She went to find the thing. She got the jewelry. Like options, a professional. And I've worked with professionals before. So I don't, I don't know. Honestly. I like to trust the process, you know. Well, the mock-up, the sketch, would have hypnotized me. It was cute. Yeah. It was very, very cute.

I was gagged to see what they create. It's, Lisa. It's so bad. It's so fucking wild. And everyone, Sydney was with me and then my bestie Julia. And, like, they were both like, honestly, we can't believe how it'll call me. I was like, it was like an internal panic, I would say. Because there's nothing you can do.

And then by the end of the night, we went to Bernie's for dinner in Greenpoint. and then just started drunk laughing hysterically on the street corner. Like, like, why? And then he kept talking about, he went to school with Lena Dunham. So it's like a rich kid, you know? And he just kept talking about Lena Dunham. And I'm like, I don't think she talks about you. Like, like, let Lena Dunham go.

Like, let her go. I don't think she talks about you like this. Let Lena Dunham fucking go. That's wild. It was crazy. Wait. There's people I like message only heated rivalry stuff and I see a message in all caps that says, is this real?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's something I sent. She's just responding. She likes what I'm sending.

So it's actually a woman I've never met. So my road agent, Ryan, shout out, obsessed with him. He was like, my best. He loves heated rivalry like you do. Like, you guys need to be connected. And so we've been DMing for months. I think I might meet her tomorrow. Maybe not.

And then... Maybe this will be... No, no, no. She has, like, a wife. She has a full wife. And this is just connection over a beloved show. Okay, wait. And then, but...

What? And then also Gail Bennington. I don't know if you ever did Bennington Radio in New York. But we've always known each other for like a decade. But we message at least 20 times a day. And it's only about heat of reverie. I would say 95%. Like 5% we try to like include other things.

I feel like you're really good at cultivating, like friendships. Yeah, but I know my friends are always like no new friends. Stop making friends. Stop letting hang out with new people like you need to find love. Like this is psychotic. You don't need any more. friends. Your social schedules full.

And my friend also told me, she goes, it's embarrassing on what you fight with people you don't even fuck. She goes, you're not even fucking these people. You're always fighting. No one is fucking. Like, what is up? It's because you're very passionate about what you believe in.

And you believe in like what's right and like justice for people who maybe can't get at themselves. Listen, okay, you know Russian. Yeah. You're perfecting your Russian. Yeah. Why don't you get into a Russian class

and maybe you'll meet a Russian classmate. Well, I really love my professor. I like this one-on-one. We're doing specific work. Okay. I like it. But I've been, I play backgammon, so I'm trying to find it that way. Maybe I should go into lectures because I want, like, a smart guy.

Like, I don't know. I really think maybe you take a Russian class. There's just such chauvinists. Like, I don't know if I could be with a Russian. They would have to be, like, a Russian like me, I guess. Well, that's what I mean. Like, somebody who, because they're not going to be, like, Russian. from Russia who's fluent in Russian.

It's going to be someone who's a little rusty who might have more in common with you than you believe. And then you meet, how do you say hello in Russian? Strashti. Orie. Hello. Privat.

Privat. And then you go, oh, my God. That was so bad. Maybe we talk some more. The only people I talk Russian with are my Uber drivers. My favorite thing about this is I have spent 20 minutes trying to pitch this to you.

And then you immediately were like, no. No, you're right. I just really love the professor I'm working with, but maybe there's other Russian classes I could take or like a Russian acting class or something. Just like pop in for one or two. See if there's anybody brewing. Okay.

It's just hard. You know, my sister said this once, like with our father. She's like, I always said I'll never marry someone like our father. I'll never marry someone like our father. And she goes, and then I grew up and I realized I'm our father. That's very funny. But there is a fear of Russian men for me. And I don't want it.

What about a Russian woman? That would be easier for sure. Because honestly, the Russian culture is disgusting. It's not for me. Like, I don't love it. It's harsh. That's what we talk about with my teacher. It's like there's no compliments.

It's harsh as fuck. They love, like, it's torturous. I told her I go. No compliments? I go, not if you're being raised by them. No. But how do you say that outfit looks cute in Russian? It's a very good.

It's a good. Like, you can. That was like two sentences. Because I said different sentence. I said a bunch of different. But like, like, okay. This is the story I tell a lot. I did local news during pandemic.

So I was upstairs in my room doing like local news on the laptop. I calm downstairs. My father. What do you mean by doing local news? Like doing an interview with the local news. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was like, so during pandemic,

Were you, like, reporting on a three-block radius around your house? Like, what are you talking about? You know, in sixth grade, I asked to teach science. And my teacher said yes, and I taught science for a week. In sixth grade, I did, I, like, made the quizzes and experiments. I did a bill nine day. I taught a whole week of science. But I did local news.

Dying at what you can give. away with that your teacher was like, sure. Mr. Volk. Teach for teaching people. I took it so seriously. Were you like checking yourself or like, were you just writing out these quizzes and handing them out? No, typing them up, printing them.

I had, I'm a little bit of a folder handing them out. Was your teacher looking at them beforehand to make sure you weren't teaching inaccuracies? I mean, maybe, but I don't have a memory of that. I should ask someone that was with me if they remember. Guys, so you're doing local news. You're doing a local news. So that I come downstairs and my dad goes, you look down too much.

I go, okay. Then before I leave town or I leave, whatever, he took photos of the TV of me on it, went to Walgreens, printed the photos out, put them in binder sleeves, gave me like a binder full of the photos. And it's like, you could have just said nice, but you can't.

There's never a good job because they want you to, like, do better. So there's never like a positive, There's never a, that was awesome or how nice, good effort. I remember there's like, these are cousins. The girl was drawing like a purple horse and the parents and there are no purple horses. Why is it? You know, there's no imagination. Everyone died in the war around them.

They start, like, they just don't know joy. I asked my teacher how to say excited. That's not a word. There's no excited. I told her, how do you say frustrated? I've been really frustrated. She goes, we don't have that in Russian, you know? Like, you just kind of work till you die.

Someone had a joke like Tetris is the most Russian. game. Just keep working until you're, yeah, you're going to be dead. What were you supposed to do with the binder? I don't know. Like, okay, thank you. Or like, I'll have a small part in a movie and then it'll be over and my mom will go, is that it? And I go, yeah, that's it. That, I stopped telling my family about any sort of acting things.

Because I think the first, like, acting, acting job I had was the tag in an episode of 30 Rock. Cool. So it's literally 30. They were so kind to me. They were like, do you want to improvise? And I was like, yes! Of course they didn't use it. It's a tag.

But it was just like this wonderful experience, and I told my family about it. And I remember visiting my grandmother, and she was like, oh, your sister showed me your little thing. That's what you were so excited about. And I was like, cool. I'll never tell you another thing ever again. Yeah, mine was Nope.

I'm a Nope with Jordan Peel. And my mom was like, was this it? I go, yeah, bitch. Yeah, it's a movie. It was in theaters. I was eight feet fucking high in front of people. He's also just like a, I don't know. He won an Oscar.

I worked with Daniel Kaluya, yeah. It's so cool. Yeah, but some people, you know, they don't get that the joy's in the work or being there, like the experience, parking on a lot, driving in, having lunch with the guy from Ocean's 11. You know, if you're like. It's fucking cool. But the thing is, I was raised on a show business. parents. We went to the movies every Friday, TV. We watched the Oscars. We got us weeklies. We watch entertainment tonight. We love stuff. Like, we love it. Yeah. So then I still

like, you fucking miss. That is wild. That is wild to be like, this is a thing. That's my hobby. Going to the movies. My daughter is in a movie. But then my neighbors will be like, your dad comes over. We get drunk. We watch you on the projector. But like, never a compliment. And even now with Russian, I'll call them and like read new Russian words and poems. And they'll just be like, is it memorized? Like, they just can't. That's funny. That's like my uncle where I thought he did not like me. And my aunt was like, oh, no, he talks about you all the time. And then he had a friend come over and he was like, oh, I and then like knew things about me.

And I was like, oh, so you're like a fan. And he was like, no, your uncle told me. And I was like, I didn't even think he knew my name. Yeah, they were raised. They had a worse life than us. They just can't. Yeah, they're immigrants. They're from Barbados.

Maybe it's an immigrant thing. Of course it is. Where they're just like, yeah, I can't say good job. No. You have to do better. And it's emotional. It's like anyone older than us got fucked. Especially, I mean, that's your uncle, but like women got, like they just got fucked. Like, our mom's got fucked. Like, our mom's got fucked. Like, their liberation sucked. Like, I don't know. It's. Well, it's funny. Like, I had a friend who met my, my grandpa. And he was like, your grandpa's a little misogynistic. And I was like, he's 97. Women couldn't have bank accounts for a lot of his life. Okay. Let him. live. Let him be. Let him live. He's also really nice. Christy Cello met my grandpa and he was so upset that I didn't give him more time to make her food. He was like, she must be hungry. And then he also was like, who is she? While she was standing right there and I was like, that's my friend, Christy. And he went, friend. And I was like, okay, grandpa. I mean, but is he progressive? I don't know. I think he was trying to be like, if you're gay, you could be gay. I've been reading a lot of gay romance and that's what that means. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes parents give clues.

In my thought process, I was like, my grandpa doesn't even know what a gay person is. But I guess, I guess he does. Yeah. You know, it's been fun, like telling my Russian professor words that I use in my family and her going, in the house. That's really funny. She's like, we wouldn't use that. Or that's outdated. Or, like, that means more getting blacked out, not, like, having a fun time.

Like, she's like, to use your family drink? That's very funny. That's so funny that words you use. She's like, I know exactly what kind of family you have. Yes. Because I said like go out to eat like kosher and she's like, no. Like we would never sit outside. But then other Russian people I talk to her like she's too professional.

I'm like, but that's what I'm hiring her for, you know, to like get me professional. To sound like a young modern woman. Where are you from originally? It's now Ukraine. Yeah, Adessa, on the Black Sea. Oh, on the Black Sea. Yeah. Why got to be Black?

It's a RuPaul joke. I don't want to take credit for it. Real quick. Real quick. We got to take a break. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no.

I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host a show What's our podcast here on Headgum.

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Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or like another type of website to upload the like... It's all in one place. The video or the audio or like... No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please. Yes, and you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs.

There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and they're custom domains. Oh, what's come up with a domain right now? Let's see. I wonder if it exists. www. Friends meeting. Friends. Friends meeting friends.com.

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I'm excited. Although, okay, here's my thing with the whole bracket system. I feel like we run through girls too quick. There's so many girls through the bracket system. No, I thought the whole thing is they stay the whole time. So it's three brackets. There's, what, like six girls per bracket? That's a lot of queens.

Or like five girls per bracket. But didn't that what would you last time when we got to see them all and no one went home and it was awesome? Girl, no. That was season seven. But they did it again for eight. But they did it again.

That was all winter season. And then they did it again. Where they didn't let the girls go home and it was awesome. That was, yes. That was seven and nine, I believe. And now it's 11. Yes.

So 10, you missed 10 because you don't seem to know about the bracket system. Who won 10? No, I watch. Who won 10? Who won 10? Ginger Minge.

Oh, I watched. I watched. So you know that there's bracket. But that's, I felt like I got a lot of time with the girls. And then two girls from each bracket go to the end. Yeah, I like that. But you get to see bracket, bracket, bracket, bracket. You get to see more.

I want to see my girl. I want to, Kennedy Davenport better fucking win. That's who I want to win. She should have been in the top three for season seven. It's disgusting. I mean, I love Pearl, but like, absolutely not. And then I get why Trixie one. I love Trixie.

I listen to her podcasts every week. I have the makeup's a little too heavy for me. I'm more of a tinted moisturizer girl. But I buy it anyways. I'm dying. Love Trixie. This drag queen's makeup is a little too heavy for me. That's just such a hot take that I cannot believe you set into a microphone.

Well, I didn't know while I was purchasing because I don't. So to me I go, I can't wait. And then I was like, why can't wear this? much. This is very heavily pigmented from a drag queen's makeup line, but the packaging's so cute. I just want it so bad. And the mirrors sell out fast, you know? Like, I'm trying to get the other stuff. They're gone so fast. But I... But Kennedy, flip, she was in the air doing acrobatics. One of my favorite lip-sings. I just talked to Trixie about this. I was like, season seven is one of my favorite seasons. People don't like it. But the lip-sync against Katia, where they're wearing their

hello kitty couture, where she jumps off that stage. I love it. I want her to win. I love Kennedy Dadden for it. She's funny. She commits. She commits the, it's like a streetwalker. What is the story?

The chicken? Yeah. The chicken that was walking the street. And the John burnt her. The John burnt her and she came to life and she flew like a feet. Something like that. She's so funny to me. I have a fan that says, shut up.

Oh. Okay. I tell you a funny story. So one of the women that worked at the Philly. That's so funny to say. because some people are going to be like, I don't understand why the fan says, shut up. It's because she played Lil Richard in Snatch game. And she went, ooh, shut up.

So I'm just explaining that. It's just, I just didn't want somebody to be like, what? No, my favorite. So I did the Philly Punchline, and there was like an awesome woman that used to work there. And she makes fans. And so she made me one, but it said, you're not like us. And I went, I can't. You can't.

You can't be fan. What do you want me to do with this? But why would you give this to me? That was very fun. Yeah, I have it. She was like, you're an ally. Not really. I don't know what she was thinking.

She was like, I'm like, you couldn't make one other fan for me. You can say it. That's what she was saying. You can say the word. You can say it. You can say it. Oh, God. But I have it.

But I don't know how to, I'm not good at it. It's very easy. For some people. Well, you just hold. But I can't whistle. You know, some people have things that they're going to. I can't whistle. I can't do a lot of stuff.

Try. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Wait. The way you tried was really deeply funny to me. It was your bottom lip like, like, snuck up in your fucking mouth and your top lip quivered out. It was really.

I tried so hard. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't roll my tongue. I can't do a lot of stuff. Like that? Like, I can't. Oh. I can't wink.

Like, I can do certain things. That's really funny. Yeah. I can wing. It's like a natural. But I have a really short tongue. Yeah, I have a geographic tongue, so sometimes I get insecure about it. What do you mean?

Like it has ridges and deep stuff. Let me see. Oh, I guess so. Yeah. It looks like candy. Cool. To me, it looks like Mars. I think it looks like fun candy.

Yeah, but that's why spicy is hard for me because the taste buds are gone, so it drops right down. You don't have taste buds? No, I do, but like the ridges, like your tongue doesn't have these ridges and holes. Were you born like that? Yeah, I think it's because of fucking Chernobyl. You know, I have an extra tailbone. I have a thyroid disorder. I can't wink.

Like, it sucks. It sucks. I have an extra tailbone. I can't wink. Wait, you have an extra tailbone? Yeah, I have like an extra hole in the back of my back, but. Excuse me? It's like a little belly button.

But it's like my skinned incline. I have like an extra indentation and like a bone, an extra bone inside. It doesn't come out like a tail. but it goes inward like a hole. Can I feel it? Yeah, you could put a finger in it if you want. Can I? Yeah, it'd feel like a little insecure.

But when I was younger, people would put like cigarettes and crayons in instead for fun. This is the third time I have said it. You say sentences I've never fucking heard before. People will put cigarettes in crayons. Yeah, it was like fun. I was like, oh, you guys all want to go to the bathroom and put the cigarette in. And then I had one like lover who would like talk with it, which was like fun. We have come to the end.

but I would like to hear, so your lover, okay. I love that you say lover. Well, because it wasn't anything else. I thought it was more, but it wasn't. I thought it was really serious, actually. You thought it was serious because this lover was talking to your extra tailbone. Well, they did a lot, because I also have a tattoo of whatever, yeah, they did a lot of fun. What's the tattoo?

So when I was a receptionist in my early 20s, late teens, me and a bunch of the people that also were receptionist, we all got stick figure cartoons of us tattooed on our bodies that one of the main receptionists would draw. And so sometimes this person would talk is like that tattoo too. I have a lot of fun. Like you get a lot of improv work on my arm. You can talk with all of them. Here's the thing.

I would also think that was forever if somebody was talking to my stick figure tattoo. It's really cute. Yeah, there was a lot. There was a lot. But it was so long ago, so it's fine. It was crazy. I was toyed with. Say love you.

I was toyed with. Because also it's like it's totally fine if you're casual. Like just be honest with people. Like don't. I agree. Like if you know someone's so in love with you and you're feeding into it and then it's not real for you and then you're like then it's too much. It's like just don't do the thing. But I get having someone obsessed with you probably feels good.

It's like easy to play along. Right? Yeah. Like why wouldn't you? I don't think I've ever had anyone be obsessed with me. No, no, no. I was obsessed with them. No, no.

I know. I know. Well, because I was talking to someone. He's straight. And then there was a woman. And, like, we were talking about relationships. And I was saying people say, like, the man should always, if it's hetero, like, the man should always love the woman a little more. And we were talking about it.

I go, well, it's unsafe otherwise. I go because if a man doesn't love a woman, he'll, like, would chipper her. He'll leave her at 40 with nothing. He'll fuck her out, you know, bring, like, STD's home. I'm dying. That is. So would chip her, murder. Yeah.

Leave her moneyless at 40. Yeah. I'm dying that that's number two. No, you're right. It's like unsafe for women to be with men that don't like them more because it's, you're going to be scrubbing the floors. He's playing poker. What's your life? Like it sucks.

Yeah. And I go murder the whole family and then they'll show his picture on a jet ski. Yeah. And he was like, so what's a good relationship? I'm like, you need this man obsessed. And he goes, you think obsession is health. That's what you think a good relationship. is. And I go, I guess, like, devotion or like adoring is better words. But like, yeah, you need

that or it's unsafe for women. And straight relationships, it's unsafe for women to be with men that are not fully obsessed. I agree. Because your life will be worse. I agree. I also, I think that's good advice. Yeah. For single people out there. If you, if he's not obsessed with you, get out of there. It's, oh, what did you buy at Sephora? Excuse me? Like, I can't imagine. I can't imagine. I can't imagine. What did you buy? at Sephora. The nice man in my life, I'll be like, do you want to see what I bought off the flea market?

That man does not care, but he will sit right on down and let me do a whole fashion show. But that's like, that is, that's like a dream. That's nice. That's like, why else would you be with someone if they're not going to look at your wares?

Yes. Like, what the fuck? I have so many wares. We went on a tour of my salt and pepper shaker collection. I mean, I think of you anytime I see something that's supposed to be small, that's big. And I sometimes say, I usually try to send you a photo of it.

And I do appreciate it. But I think about, yeah. I'm on the hunt for a purple giant crayon. Oh, there goes my. Well, because you know the, what's the dandelion crayon girl? Do you know about her? The dandelion. So dandelion is a shade of yellow that cryola discontinued.

Oh, yes. But there's girls obsessed. But they brought it back for her. But she got to meet the dand. Like, she met, they brought her to the factory. They did all this crayon shit with her. But they brought it back because of her. Why won't Applebee's bring back the apple?

Chimmy cheesecake. I have talked about it so many fucking times. Was it an apple cheesecake? No. The apple chimney cheesecake filling wrapped up in a tortilla deep fried with sugar and cinnamon on top, vanilla ice cream, and then on the side, apple pie filling. Wow. It is so, because when I say.

You don't have to convince me. The deep fried tortilla cheesecake? Yeah, I'm in. It's so fucking good. I'm in. What's your favorite chain restaurant? And that means sit down with a menu? Yeah, like a Chili's. Yeah, but I went back on it. I'm going to say Olive Garden.

That's what I requested as a child for every birthday for a long time. I want Olive Garden. And even if you're not doing the pasta, the soup, salad breadstick is great. I want a raspberry iced tea. Like, I fucking love it. I... Whoa, no. I love Cheesecake Factory.

I love Cheesecake Factory. I like the Buffalo Chicken Salad, and I love the avocado egg rolls. I just watched a video where it talks about. taught me that they are a made-to-order kitchen. Everyone gets there at 5 a.m. They prep everything. And then it's made to fucking order. Yeah.

They don't use a microwave. I didn't even know that. And there's 250 menu items. They are, and they're always great. And it's a great place to take your niece and nephews. It's, like, fun to share the cheesecakes. It's awesome. I love cheesecake factory.

Yeah. Well, Lisa, this was awesome. We've finished up. Yeah. What would you like to promote? Always my Netflix special. Keep watching it, please. It's very funny.

You are one of the funniest stand-ups. Back at you, baby. And it's a joy to watch you. And I have a joy doing it. There was one show. We did together. You probably don't fucking remember this. We were in New York.

Bleep this name out. Honk, honk! Oh, okay. Cake shop, yeah. Was booking the show. And I did the show. you were on the show, so funny, fun show. And then you're like, do you want to smoke?

And I was like, sure. And I've smoked weed before and been out on the town. But whatever weed you fucking had killed me. And I just remember going back into the bar and going, well, I don't think I can talk to anybody. And then I was like, I'm going to go. And you're like, really? You don't want another drink?

And I was like, I'll have one more. And then I had a drink. And then I was in the bathroom. And I was like, and there was like graffiti on the walls. And I was like, I don't think I can be here. And then I remember, like, walking against buildings, like, being like, I might fall down. And moving very slowly. And I never told you that.

No, I don't remember that at all. No. And that was so long ago that the weed wasn't even that powerful. Nope. But whatever the fuck you were smoking at that time. That's when I would go to the, in the back, like, I would sit in a drug dealer's car and pick up the weed. That was that era. I once got drugs from somebody and they came.

There was a cul-de-sac where they picked me up at. And he was like, get in. I said, okay. And then drove me around the cul-de-sac. And he said, well, that was pretty quick. And I was like, what? How come you didn't, why did we do this? And he didn't have an explanation.

It's just, it seems more natural if there's footage. I don't know. I don't know. I guess. I don't know what I'm talking about. It was a, no, no. I got there with you. Ring camera footage or something.

There was no movement. Fuck ring cameras. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Like what the fuck is wrong with people? Nothing is better except Google Maps. Thank God.

I'd be nothing without Google Maps. I love Google Maps. What do you want to promote? Just the Netflix special Night Owl. And I'm on the road. La Jolla. Cleveland. Vegas. I don't know. Do you have a website? I have a website. Oh my God.

I didn't know asking you what you want to promote was going to cause a fucking meltdown. I'm dying. Oh, I'm going to do P-Town for the first time in July. Oh, I want to do that. The program house. I should have asked you about this. You've seven addictions. Weed, food, TV, talking shit, spending money, Instagram, and porn. Honestly, I've why I, because of heat or ovary and nothing else. hits. I've cut down my TV watching, and because I read now, by 90%. I watch it all day. I would wake up, put Seinfeld back on, put my BoJack Horseman, a hero. You're so many people on it. But I go to bed to a table read. I don't think I've ever said this. At a table read, I got to read for Angela Bassett once. Oh, yeah. Honest Panacopoda. It was really fucking cool. To be like, I get to like do my best Angela.

And at the table read, I got some. I got some. laughs because I was doing, I was trying to do an Angela impression. And I was like, okay. Anywho. One of the best shows ever made. But yeah, so TV's not in anymore. Also, porn is really not doing it for me. I tried to get a custom from a porn star, but he's retired. And no, nothing exists that I want anymore. Like, what I'm looking for, which is fucked, like, for us not to have what we want. So I'm like trying to figure out. I don't think I need anyone else to know but you. Okay.

We could talk about it later. But it doesn't exist. And then I actually, I'm actually pretty chill about food too. I solved a lot of heated rivalry, solved a lot of my problems. But I've also been taking my thyroid medication as directed for the first time in 30 years, too. So it could be either one. Why weren't you taking it as direct? Because I grew up in a home that was medically suspicious and I have self-destructive tendencies that are associated with my depression.

And then I solved them. You solved your depression? Yeah, peter rivalry made me take my thyroid meds. No, I had one doctor finally bully me and like at work. Bully me. She goes, can you just please take it a half hour before you eat? Like, what is wrong with you? And I went, okay.

What is wrong with you? If you like that. But I did cough, so hopefully isolate that. That's why I need to quit weed. Spending money is so fun. Spending money is so fun. Spending money is fun. It's the best one.

Okay, here's the thing. I found a watchman and I buy watches from the watchman and none of them are over $100 so to me a steal a deal. Are you kidding? Wait, what time is it?

5.30. Okay, I do have to go. Isn't it funny that I asked what time is it when I'm wearing a watch? But here's the thing. No bat tree. And any of them. No, I don't need it for the time. doing it for the look. Yeah, I'm not a watch

person. Neither was I until I discovered watches like this. And now I cannot stop buying watches. This one was 40 fucking dollars. It's not. I'm going to gatekeep. I'm not going to tell you where he is. No, no, no. You need all those watches. Yes.

But he is at the Melrose flea market. I'll tell you that. But I won't tell you what days, because I don't know. He posts it on his Instagram. You hit up those fleas. I do. I love a fucking flea market. I love the hunt for something. I squeal. To me, it's like, I feel that way when I find a McDonald's toy from the past that I want. Like a little nugget dressed like a pumpkin? No, no. I know. I was just thinking

about how nice that is. Yeah. I love McDonald's land lore. Yeah. I love Mermeccheese. I love Officer McSompton. Oh, I'm going to make you mad right now. So I'm at my hotel, my friend, he's drunk, he comes, he can't eat dairy. I'm in charge. I don't know why I let him do this to me. But we get a Wagyu beef burger and he's like, get the cheese on the side. And it's like I had cold loose cheese on the side of my Waggo beef burger. For friendship.

Why would you do that? Because he didn't want cheese? He can't have cheese. These people. So why didn't he order his own burger? We didn't even think about that. That's funny. I constantly say things out loud and people go, why didn't you do this? And I'm like, because it never fucking crossed my mind.

I'm just so used to sacrificing. It's the Russian in you. And now we've come full circle. Would you date me? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

We're evolved. We're so terrified. We're doing good. We're doing good. Because last time I said we were both too mentally ill, but this time I think we're doing good. But I wonder if we would get anything done. Why would we need to get anything done? We're succeeding.

It's fine. We are doing well. We'll go to the meetings. We'll do what people are. If it's in my calendar, I'll do it. Same. Yeah. Shove me around. Get me out there. I'll do it. If I forget to put it in my calendar, good luck getting me there.

My biggest issue is I'll put like 7.30 and then that's it. Oh, you won't give yourself clues? Me either. Oh yeah, we're both Virgos. Yes. When's your birthday? August 31st? August 29th. Yeah. I once put in my calendar, sit in Sashir's seat for heat.

It's been, it's coming up on a year since I put that in my calendar. she has no idea what it means I have no idea what it means and I'm like maybe if I say it enough I'll like figure it out I have no idea yeah and those are the things

our memories are going but I like give myself riddles like I'm the fucking joker like what sit in Sashir's seat for heat what I had one that was just like get a halter top

and it's like for what Like, yeah, I don't know what we're up to. I once had in my calendar. I share it with a nice man in my life. And it said, he has to get me a cookie. If he doesn't remember what this is about, be mean to him.

Do you guys live together? Yeah, we do. Nice. It's nice. It's like a slumber party every night. And I said to someone, I was like, and they were like, why do you think it's a slumber party every night?

And I was like, well, because he lets me talk to him until he falls asleep. And they said, that would be hell on earth for me. And I was like, well, isn't it nice that I'm not sharing a bed with you? Yeah, what? He likes it.

Some people who, if someone's not staying up late at the sleepover, who is, like, you need that. You need that. Yes, he is an early riser and he stays up so late because we're having such a nice time. Tee-he-he, hi. Yesterday we watched Limitless. Have you ever seen that movie?

Is that what Joseph Gordon Lemit, love it? No, that's Bradley Coops. Oh, Bradley Cooper. No, I haven't seen Limel's. It's a wild movie where it's about. it's about being on drugs and there is no repercussions. I loved it.

I said, this is funny. It's essentially, like, he finds his drug that's, like, kind of like, Coke, and then he, like, becomes really smart. He starts off his writing books and then becomes, like, a stockbroker and then, like, kills people. And then he's like, now he gets to be mayor

at the end. I'm not ruining it. No, no, no. I have told you nothing about how he bounces from place. It's wild. It's a, you got to watch it. Is it good? I can't say.

But you should watch it. You're not going to. If it's on a flight. If it's on Delta, I'll watch it. It won't be. Okay. But you should watch it. I can't.

There's no way I'm watching limitless. You have to. His eyes get really blue when he's high. Okay. Wait, I watched Twilight for the first time. I have to end this. End it, end it. Okay.

Now we're ending it on a bad note. I don't think so. I mean, it's a reference from 2008. I mean, no way. Watch Twilight. Well, because you said that the eye color changing. You know, his eyes are so intense. Oh, yeah. Their eyes are like Amber or whatever.

Have you seen the new Batman movie? I haven't seen any Batman movies, actually. It's three hours long, and I thought it could have been longer. I love Robert Pattinson. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can follow it. You can rate it five stars on Spotify and on Apple Podcasts. Also, you should tell a friend about this podcast, and then you could recommend the show on Reddit because it helps the show out because people be on Reddit being like, what do I want to listen

to and you can tell them why won't you date me? And you know what? Let's be nice to me on Reddit. And if you write me something, she's like leaving. If you write me something nasty hitting on me. I'm trying to get back to my phone. Why won't you date me? Podcast at gmail.com. I'll read it. Hit on me. Say something nasty. Okay, this nice person writes, Lisa's like gone. She's like on her phone. I love this. Let's keep this in the wife. She's, okay. So, hi, Nicole. Let me be your human bidet. Hmm. Whoa. I just want to lay under your toilet and let you sit on my face every morning.

I'll clean. Oh, okay. I'll clean your pussy and butt up with my tongue. Love the pod because I was wondering how a human bidet would work. I was like going to get him spitting into my coochie, but I guess they're going to be tongue in me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never heard of like a human toilet. But I guess human toilet. So what's the difference between the bidet? I think, well, a day cleans you. Oh, because you just piss on the toilet, but they're going to clean you. Yeah, they're going to lick me up. Got it, got it, got it got it. I did love the drag race. Who had the piss bedazzle this year? That was fun. Darling Mitchell. I'm trying to get her on the podcast. I love her so much. I love Darley Mitchell. You never see like piss play in fashion like that. It was cool. She was serving drag all season long. Yeah, that was fun. I like your Don Aquarius. You might not like it, though. Oh, Taylor Swift? Yeah. Hey, listen. She's in her August. dress. You love Taylor Swift, and I love that for you. Yeah. Like, things that are for you may not be for me. A hundred percent. She just, I don't know what it is. You've seen her in concert? I have, yeah. How many times? I saw eras once, um, but I spent a lot. And then I saw the 1989 tour, but I wasn't even a Swifty. How much did you spend? We have to bleep it out. So I bought two tickets for Toronto. The tickets were, Hong, Hong, Hong. Each? No, together.

Okay, can you blip it out with honk, honk? Great. But then it's like... You have to end this. Goodbye. You keep blaming me. That was a headgum podcast. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the Podcast. A new show coming to Fri-E. Coming to F***. That's what it is. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the podcast.

A new show now on Headgum. Woo-hoo! I've learned a jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to rock. Apparently, there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits, bad behavior, and even worse decisions. All of it.

Sometimes we don't make the right decisions, Jeff. I've noticed that. Every so often. With guests like Spike Jones. I think this committed Jackass the Bulls. podcast. What was it going to be called? The Jackass podcast. Without you, the IQ drops significantly. Steve-O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass that I would be in cloud makeup right this fucking minute. Chris Panias. That shot of your butt just cruising up. I'm like,

I got that on TV. God bless us. Dave England. Yeah, when you come in and you're being really nice, I'm like, damn it, something bad is going to happen to me. We man. Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head and threw a punch. The whole bar just stopped and wanted to kill me. And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning. I had to share a room with this guy. I left a nice surprise in the toilet form. Every time.

Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts. Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday. Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and TikTok at Jackass the podcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode. by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot.

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.