Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hooking up on Craigslist (w/ Atsuko Okatsuka)

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

Atsuko Okatsuka (stand-up, Let's Go Atsuko! podcast) discusses living as an undocumented for 7 years, meeting people on Craigslist, and being fetishized for her ethnicity. Plus, Nicole Byer shares her experience sleeping with a Trump supporter who just wouldn't shut up.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy, oh boy! It's another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You better believe it is a podcast for me. Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you date me, you can keep a jar of your baby teeth on the bedside table, and I won't be upset about it. Just slightly weirded out, and I'll never mention my feelings.

That one was dumb. They're getting dumber and dumber. My guest today has a podcast called Let's Go, Let's Go. Did I say that right? You did. You're amazing. And then also you have a live show called Let's Go, Let's Go Atsuko. Did I say that right? You did. You're amazing. And then also you have a live show called Let's Go Atsuko. That's right.

And then your whole name is Atsuko Okatsuka. Okatsuka. Okatsuka. Oh, boy. I'm so sorry. I butcher names constantly. Don't be sorry. The last part gaslights everybody.

Everybody falls apart. No, I should be. I feel like your name probably gets mispronounced all the time. Yes? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, that's fine. The last name in so many letters, it looks like my name backwards. It's really trippy.

You know what I mean? My dad just named me that way and then just did not want me to make any friends but it's such a pretty name um you weren't were you born here are you i was born in taiwan okay yeah so it's a taiwanese name it's a japanese name see it's so much it's so trippy like i should have just gone by Stacey. But like, you know, these explanations are a part of, you know, my beginning friendships with everybody. Yeah. I see. I see.

Yeah. My name's just real boring. Nicole. Love Nicole. It's very boring. I was almost Aquila or Priscilla. And then what happened? My dad intervened and was like, no.

Let's make her life easy? I don't know. I think he was just like, better name is Nicole. But I really like Priscilla or Aquila. I really wish I was Aquila Byer. And then my very quiet sister was like, Priscilla. Aquila, Priscilla, middle name, Byer. See?

Oh, if my whole name was Aquila Priscilla, I'd be so excited. Yeah, you would be a queen. I guess I just have to have my own kids and name them whatever I want. JK, I don't want a kid. Yeah. No, you don't. Me neither, actually. That's something I recently said out loud.

You put it into the universe so it doesn't happen. It's almost like you have to come out of the closet to be like, I don't want a child as a woman. I agree. Everyone's like, surely. Surely you'll hit 35 and you'll just need a baby inside of you. Yeah, they talk about that clock inside, that internal clock. I've never felt it.

And you haven't, huh? I've never felt like some women will be like, I need a baby inside of me. Right. So I'll see a baby and be like, I need that baby near me. Near. And then I'll hold the baby, smell the baby, cuddle with that baby, and then hand it right back and it's good. Like I'm good

for a couple months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unlike dogs, which I'm like, oh, I'm good for just 10 minutes. And I wouldn't mind another dog near me. Babies, you know, I just had a lot of weird experiences with babies. Oh, like what what did a baby insult you yeah i would call it an insult have you have you ever had a baby just cry at the side

of your face oh yeah yeah so that's an insult because that's painful you didn't even i didn't even say anything yet you don't even know me my break care is baby we were at a party and i truly was like hold my white claw let me hold your baby so i was holding her baby who was already crying because the baby was out in the heat at a party with a bunch of drunk comedians it was like i don't belong here yeah if i cry you'll take me to where i belong in a crib uh so i was like holding the baby and i was like i'll put your baby to sleep and kara was truly a trooper was like oh baby yeah you won't. You can't, baby. Yeah, Kara Klink.

She was like, you won't. But I will let you hold the baby for a second. I was like, why are you crying at me? And then she finally was like, I need to take my baby back and leave. And I was like, yes, fair. Yeah, that baby cried at the sight of me. Yeah, see, it hurts. It hurts.

Because I know they don't know anything, but I feel like they know a lot, too. I put them on a pedestal, you know? Everyone tiptoes around babies. Like, you've got to be quiet. The baby's sleeping. Oh, don't make too much noise. It'll cry. You know, it's like God.

Right? We treat them like gods. We do treat them like little gods. But also, they're little demons. Like, when they're fucking screaming. Yeah. When I was a nanny i had to sleep train this little kid uh which in sleep training literally is you put the baby down for a nap

close the door and let it scream itself to sleep oh yeah yeah i couldn't do it i had heard i hope his mom doesn't listen to the podcast i would always tell her that i was doing it real good but he would start screaming and i'd open the door and be like, hello, I'm still here so you don't have to cry. And then he would stop crying, close the door, he'd cry again and I'd be like, I'm still here. So then I would like sit in the crack of the door until he went to sleep just so he knew I was there.

And I was like, I can't pick you up. I can't because if I do that and then you won't be good for your parents. That's right. I don't know if they have a secret camera here no yeah yeah i had heard about that actually it's training them but like you have to suffer and they have to suffer for a while but you just couldn't you couldn't bear the sight of the baby suffering no yeah because you're a sweetie pie well i was just like you you don't want to be i don't want

to be alone sometimes i get it You're new to this world. You're in a literal cage. That's what a crib is, a cage. Just with no lid. We create babies, and we don't say that. You know how you create a dog? You create a baby. Yeah, go in here.

You go in here, and we just don't put a little top on it. I just felt so bad. Yeah. You're married, yes? I'm married. You have a very handsome husband. I see it on Instagram. Oh, my gosh. I love how I asked even though I fully you you're married yes i'm married you have a very handsome husband i see it on instagram oh my god i love how i asked even though i fully knew you were married no that's very thank you thank you for asking yes i am yeah how did you meet your husband i met him through a shoot

very la film shoot i was actually producing and he was acting in it oh the movie never came out but the director but the director's out now actually yeah all right so there's that yeah um what what was your first interaction like first interaction was very much like you know call time was this time you are late this is not the outfit we asked you to wear. That was kind of, it was very, but you know, he's, like you said, you've seen photos of him. And he's actually the type that I would never go for. Oh. Because I don't like easy guys.

Okay. Not easy guys. He was just like, I think the rest of the neighborhood ruined it for me. Okay. I live in Silver Lake. Sure. So he has that look of just like. Like a white hipster?

White hipster, just good looking. Life must have been easy for you. There can't be anything interesting underneath. You know what I'm saying? Yes, absolutely. So I totally judged him like that. And I was like, I would never. You're just another pretty face.

Yeah. And then who asked who out? I guess we just started flirting on set that day and then uh i think i asked him out actually oh yeah i just was like i just went against my gut and how long have you been together we've been together now i think four years something like that yeah yeah that's nice so four years that means before that you could have been on the apps i don't know how long apps have been around not that long actually now it's like every day we we hear about it we talk about it yeah everyone's on the apps you know but it actually like i feel like tinder just kind of became a thing when when we hadn't met oh me and my husband so maybe like four or five years ago i might be wrong

so you've never been on an app i yeah i guess i haven't no no wow gotta say you are very blessed i sound like an asshole i feel like an asshole we met on set we met on set he was too hot for me dumb shit yeah I never had to do Tinder I did Craigslist though you did Craigslist

I did Craigslist okay I don't know I've done okay so I did I've done

yes I've done Craigslist I don't know why I'm thinking about it I've definitely done Craigslist I'm like no definitely have did you have any success So I did, I've done, yes, I've done Craigslist. I don't know why I'm thinking about it. I've definitely done Craigslist. I'm like, oh, maybe, oh, oh, oh. No, definitely have. Did you have any success on Craigslist?

Well, so what were you doing on Craigslist? Is it to date or just to hook up with people? To hook up with people for money because I needed to pay my rent and I was living in New York and it was hard. I once let a man draw me while I was just wearing a Hello Kitty sweatshirt. And I was 20 years old and now I understand that maybe that wasn't okay. Wow.

Just like Titanic style, but the Hello Kitty was. Yes, it was like a little Hello Kitty hoodie. Yeah. It was his thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he said he would give me the drawing, but he never gave it to me. So there just might be a drawing of me nude wearing a Hello Kitty hoodie floating around the world.

Is this on eBay? Ooh, yes. I mean, how wild. Yeah, but you got that cash money. I did. I got my, I think it was $300. Yeah. Because my rent was only $500.

So I was like, I can't ask for all of my rent, which is stupid in hindsight. I should have just been like, give me $500. Now you know your worth. Now I know my worth. You asked for double. If you want me naked,

I will do it for free because I am desperate. But maybe I'll ask you for $500. That's right. Yeah. No, I mean, okay. So that's like semi, that was just services.

That was services. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. I, that was just services. That was services. Yeah, it's good. I was giving just free services. Ah, so you were dating. I was just hooking up. I was just like, let's hook up. Did you post the ads or were you answering ads? I was answering ads.

I did post a couple, but then, I don't know, I got kind of scared. Because I was like, well, you have to put a, you know, if you're in casual encounters, which RIP no longer a thing. Oh, really? Casual encounters they got kind of scared because I was like, well, you have to put a, you know, if you're in casual encounters, which R.I.P. no longer a thing. Oh, really? Casual encounters they got rid of. What? I don't know. But you can offer ladies roses, which meant money.

That's right. That's right. Yeah. No, I think they got rid of it for safety reasons. I don't know if it was like the Craigslist killer. That Craigslist killer a few years back was very attractive. Oh, okay. See, I never even saw him.

Was he? I thought he was pretty hot. I was like, you know what? Not everyone on Craigslist will be a killer, but also not everyone on Craigslist will be as attractive as the Craigslist killer. Okay, so he's like hot for a killer? I think so. On Craigslist.

I think so, yes. Is it like Ted Bundy? People are saying Ted Bundy's hot because he was a mass murderer, serial killer? Well, I think he was more attractive than Ted Bundy. I don't find Ted Bundy attractive. I didn't think so either. And apparently women would go to court just to watch him. Yeah, see, that's like a bit of a, it's got to be a little bit of the star fucking thing.

It's not because you really think he's that hot, right? I don't know. I don't know what the lure is. People are crazy. There are so many people, like, wasn't, what's his name, the Manson man, didn't he get like a bunch of people, like women to kill for him? For sure, yeah. Which is like bananas. No, for sure.

The things that like mediocre dudes can convince people to do is wild. I'm like, wait, hold on. Not even for money money so that he would smile at you sometimes yeah that crazy face it's not worth it in the middle of his fucking head no have you seen once upon a time in hollywood or whatever i haven't seen it yet no my roommate saw it and he was like there was a scene where they were like going to kill in the hollywood hills yeah and i couldn't help but thinking nico Nicole would never be in the Manson family.

She would complain the whole time up that hill or just go home. And I was like, uh-huh. See, some people are more susceptible to joining cults and you are not because you were raised right. You have good instincts. And I'm lazy. If I have to walk upstairs or a hill

to murder, you better believe I'm not going to do it. Screw it. I agree with you. Doing exercise to do a crime? Get out of here. Get out of here. For what?

Again, that crazy guy to smile at you? To be like, hey, Nicole, I value you. And I might fuck you, too. It's like, I guess I'll murder with the promise that he'll fuck me. I could never. I'm too. Life is too long to just hang a wish on a murderer's. I agree.

On a murderer's dream. This is just the BT dubs, but the street I live on, one of the Manson murders happened on. Waverly Drive. I think it was like the second one or something. Dang. The band or something. Anyhow. There's so many murder houses in LA. There are a lot of murder houses in L.A.

This one is actually up for sale recently. I think that's how I found out. I was like, oh, shoot. This was I didn't know I was living on that street. And it's having a hard time selling. I think because cults are back. Oh. In the conversation of the zeitgeist.

Well, I mean, Nazis are back. Why? Why shouldn't, you know, come back into the party? I'm really sore right now. I keep moving and my body hurts. Oh, I'm sorry. I took a twerk class yesterday. Twerk class?

Yes. You twerk all the time on your Instagram with your granny and it's so fucking cute. Grandma is a star. I love it. Does she live with you? No, she lives really close to me, like 20 minutes away. And so I try to see her as much as I can. That's so sweet. She raised me

and now she's the star in the family. She's so fun. And she loves you too, actually. Oh, really? Yes! I think I messaged you that. Oh, maybe you didn't. I think I was like, please tell her I love her because if she's not dancing, she has this smile on her face where she's like, I'm just truly happy to be here.

Yeah. I love her. She seems like she's got like a really sunny disposition. She's very sunny. She knows what it is. I mean, she raised me. She raised my mom and two other kids. All like her.

So this is dark, but her husband was murdered. Oh, dang. And then my dad wasn't in the picture either. So I grew up in a matriarch. It was just grandma, mom, and me. And grandma never dated or anything. So I think this is like her coming out now as an 84-year-old woman. Like, I just took care of people all my life.

Now I'm going to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm going to, you know, I hope people comment on my twerking, you know, style on Instagram, on your Instagram, you know. I love it. It's her time. It's her time to shine. It's her time to shine.

You're never too old to fucking stun on a bitch. So where did you take your twerking class? How was it? I took it at this place in North Hollywood. And I've taken two classes before. The first one was a lot of white women and it was real wild to walk into a twerk class yeah yeah but the the last couple ones i've been to have been a little bit more diverse which was nice a little bit like uh many different body types which i like yeah uh

and then my teacher is this woman ver Veronica, who I love her so much. She's very supportive. And a lot of people in fitness are very dismissive to different bodies and just fat people. But last night she said something that really I just enjoyed. And she's like, it's a twerk class. Having a body helps you twerk. Having a little butt helps you. More of a butt helps you twerk.

So this is a class where we celebrate curbs and we're all like, yay! Gorgeous. Love it. But my whole body is fucking sore. I will, I'll give you all the information because I think you might enjoy it. Yeah, I know. Because you're very good at it. Well, let's go. I mean, I'm not,

see, I like to do it in the privates of my home because I don't want to, and twerking give ups to, it's black women that invented it, not Miley Cyrus. And it's this. So I like to like, I just kind of learned, you know, quietly in the comforts of my home. So I feel weird about, I don't want to be like, you know, me and all these Beckys being like, we were going to learn this, borrow it and bust out in the twerk next time we're at the club. I think it's fine if you do it.

I think it's a dance for everybody. Yeah, you know. I think as long as you, you know. Yeah. Miley was twerking. It was strange. Yeah, Miley was twerking. Because Miley was, it felt dangerous.

Like she was going to attack people with it or something as long as it doesn't feel like that as long as it doesn't feel insane it was just I don't want to talk

shit about Miley no no no God bless her it was a phase where she was twerking and she had drag queens on the stage and black people

and I was like what is this yeah you know and then she was like I'm going to go away for a little bit and I'm going to come back and I'm only going to

sing country and where are my white people at? And I was like, you can't go through ethnic phases. We're not commodities that you can gather up and then discard.

I know, only to come back to your roots. Yeah. It's not how you gain... I didn't... It makes me upset. Look, Justin Timberlake did it and then he was like,

you know what? After all these phases, I think I'm just the man of the woods. And so I respected that. You know what I mean? Yep. Who's the man in the woods? Oh, it's so funny. My friend was like reposting Jessica Beal's

Instagram post where she's like, I'm so proud of my man and his tour. I was like, he's on tour? I'm so proud of his new album. He's like, he had an album? I have not been keeping up on justin timberlake yeah for good reasons what a boring man no offense justin if you are a listener come on in debate me no kidding come in and explain yourself explain to me why you think you're interesting now you're back

camping i guess you know that's sometimes you need to like, you're like, oh, am I black? Am I urban? Blah, blah, blah. Only to be like, no, I'm white and I go camping. Yes. My album will be Man of the Woods. Man of the Woods. Back to, I love to camp.

White people love, do you like to camp? No, never have I, ever. I've never been like actual camping where I was like in a fucking tent on the ground. I've stayed like at a campground where there's like, I think it's called an A-frame house. I don't fucking know. It wasn't for me. A-frame? A type of?

It's like a house, but like bare minimum house. I don't really know. Bare minimum. See, people like minimalist styles and stuff. I used to be minimal too. Yeah, I was like minimal. You mean I used to be minimalist too. Broke and poor. Nicole, I was like, minimal? You mean, I used to be minimalist too. Broke.

And poor. Nicole, here's the thing. I was undocumented for seven years. Oh, really? I lived in my uncle's garage and hiding with my grandma and my mom. I do not need camping. I do. Thrills.

Thrills. I don't get off on seeking thrills. You know what I'm saying? Thrills found me. Yeah. I mean, you lived in a garage? I lived in my uncle's garage in Westerlake. That's wild.

Yeah, because it was like all that we could afford. And then he was like, it would help to keep a low profile. I'm sure I have, you know, some wall supporters who listen. And that's great. You believe what you want. Did you walk here or did you fly here? I flew, bitches. Yeah. Oh, look. You believe what you want. Did you walk here or did you fly here? I flew, bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hate to tell you, but the wall's useless. Most undocumented immigrants fly here and overstay their visas. Yeah, yeah. That's what you're seeing that's perpetrated in the news is like everyone's walking here. These are people fleeing. And a lot of people who come here walking here. These are people fleeing. Yeah. And a lot of people who come here and stay here aren't necessarily fleeing. They just come.

Yeah. Like I have a white friend who overstayed her visa from a European country. Yeah. And she's like, and I consistently work. I'm the one stealing jobs. But nobody cares about me. And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

I guess you can't just be white and steal from each other i don't know no yeah in a way i'm kind of stoked that they're obsessed about the wall now and yes if you're a wall supporter awesome please stare at the wall as it gets built because then i'll just fly in my friends i believe the people who are in talks to build the wall is a company in Mexico. Oh, is that right? I think that's what I read somewhere. Oh, wow. No, I wasn't aware.

Which to me is beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. Pay. Because initially it was Mexico will pay us to build the wall, which is insane. That's not how anything works. Yeah. But it's like we're gonna

pay mexico to build this wall and then they're gonna fly over it yeah like we are this is they got airports in mexico they got airports in el salvador they got airports in all these places airports everywhere yeah i feel like the history books will be like, these were the dumb years. I'll just say dumb. And then you'll flip over and I'll be like, back to normal. Right. But in these dumb years, Nicole, that's when we need to find you a partner. You know? Just, this is a good time because you can weed people out easily.

Yes, yes, yes. You know? I once fucked a Trump supporter because I didn't know heading over. And he lived 25 minutes away from me. Oh, okay. And I was like, oh, I certainly am not driving back home without something. And then I just said to him, I was like,

you have to be quiet. You just, you can't talk anymore. And then I started thinking, I was like, I've been trying to write a joke about this. I've like, fuck so many dudes just so they would be quiet. It's like, you're saying the dumbest shit. Yeah. You can't hear yourself.

You're going to make me dry right up if you keep yammering. That's true. It's a good way to shut them up because they'll be busy. Yes. Physical work. Yes. It's busy. Yes.

Hopefully you're just laboring to bring this in. Are you a monogamist or a hookupist? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. No. Yeah, no. What if my husband finds out this way? Then I'm like, a hookupist.

Well, I mean, like, before you got married. Right. Well, yeah, I guess I've kind of been a monogamist. Okay. Yeah. I had just tiny spurts where I was just like, the whole city's mine, you know? And I would just go out, very, very risky times, you know? Just unprotected, just this and that.

I don't care what public restroom. I don't know. I don't care if I'm at a dirty nightclub in New York. Yeah, just no protection. Yeah, I had phases like that. But then, yeah, I was always like a seven-year relationship. And then now I'm married, kind of. I feel like it was my life.

Has been my life. A lot of women are either perpetually single or monogamists yeah monogamists who go from relationship to relationship yeah i'm one of those who's perpetually single but all that's gonna change after august 29th oh what's happening it's my birthday yeah and for whatever reason i feel like this year i think i'm gonna be 33 or 34 i don't know uh this year is gonna be my year yeah i'm gonna find a partner uh maybe not forever but i'm gonna spend a nice chunk of the year with them uh and i don't know why i think this way nicole i'm worried about your podcast well no I'll still do it you'll still do it it'll

just would you it would be the same title you can get the same title why won't you date me yes well the answer would just be because you're in a relationship now Nicole and I get to be like ah I get to hear those words every week this is good for me right uh but then also I just like I like hearing about relationships I mean i think the podcast would probably like evolve right i wouldn't stop doing it why won't you date me because i'm taken i love that i love that as a yeah but then i got so long it's july oh wait is it july it's yeah well actually it's the end of july So I only have a month until my new day. No, August 29th.

I'm going to send the universe so many signals. Please, everyone listening. In literal men. Send the universe signals to find me a partner by August 29th. Also, this year I've been getting better at being alone, which has been exciting. Do you like being alone or do you like being near people? Yeah, I like both. So whatever

that personality is. A psychopath? I have no idea. But I do love my moments alone. In the car. I'll eat alone in the car sometimes too. Oh. Yeah. So how did you figure out that you like your moments of being alone? This year, I've been on tour almost every weekend since January. And at first, I was like, oh, boy, what a lonely existence.

Because you're flying to town, do a show, you're still revved up from the show. And then you're like, I don't really want to sit in the hotel bar. I'll go to my room. And then you're like, I'm alone. So I've just learned how to channel my energy down after shows uh-huh and then I've been trying to wake up early and like maybe walk around a little bit do some work and then just like really enjoy being like by myself and then uh when I get in front of a crowd I feel like I can connect to them just like a little bit more because I've you know connected with myself yeah it's a real foo-foo fucking thing.

That's interesting. That's beautiful. I like that you said winding down your energy because it is true. It's after a show, I want to hang out. Yes. I want to drink. Yes. And I want to see people.

But it is about changing that energy to be like, no, I can just sit in my hotel room and watch a show. Or, you know, think or like listen to your set again and be like, oh, maybe I'll do this the next day. Because what I would do is I would do shows, get wasted, sleep all day, do shows, get wasted. Yeah. And then I was like, well, who is this good for? And then, like, getting on a plane hungover. Are you kidding? I can't do that anymore.

No. That altitude onto your head when it's already pounding yeah dries you right up and you're wow you feel bloated and it's terrible anyway we have to take a break we're back um okay so you got married four years ago i got married well no so i got married no you've been together for four years we've been together four years we got married in like 2017 so two years ago that's cute two years ago who's counting it's because we don't count and i'm sure you're like do you know if you met because i'm like four years i think it was four or five i don't know two years the thing is we try not to we were not into like counting okay and like even the idea of marriage

we're trying to keep it like it's not a huge deal you know because it's whatever we were just hopeless romantics we weren't obsessed none of us neither of us were marriage wasn't important okay you know and so counting it or like celebrating every month you know how some couples celebrate every month is our second month anniversary and i'm so glad that david loves me yeah i just think that it's uh it's a headache and actually causes more fights to be like to be like counting yeah because if you remember and they don't remember or vice versa, and you're like, well, you don't care about me.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, you should be having fun. And so that's why I'm not sure how long. Oh, it's fine. Two years. I like it.

Two years. Did you get married here or? We got married in Highland Park in Los Angeles. Is he from LA? He's from Texas. He's like a southern, white, you know, father is a televangelist. Oh, wow. On TV.

Really? Every night. Cool. Mega church. Whoa. Did you grow up in church? I did grow up in church, but mega churches are fascinating to me. Yeah, different kind.

Fascinating. churches are fascinating to me yeah different kind fascinating because they have thousands of you know followers and whatnot yeah we're like giving this church money so then the church has so much money right then the minister makes so much money right it's a lot of money yeah that's wild a lot of money from that that christian networks have a lot of money. Yeah, so he's part of the, you know, do you know Jimmy Swaggart? No. So he was a preacher before Billy Graham. Also like a huge, huge evangelist.

I know Billy Graham. Yeah, so, well, you know, Jimmy had to go away for a little bit because he was caught with hookers. Wait, was he married to Tammy, Tammy Bick, Tammy, you know what I married to Tammy? Tammy Bake? Tammy? You know, I don't know.

I actually don't know who his wife is. Because there's like a couple ones who like went down for like being with hookers and stuff. Yeah. I think it's so interesting that megachurches still exist when it's like, well, a lot of them are. They're not walking the walk. No, totally. Yeah. They're totally like they were helping. You know, they were on Craigslist or wherever.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. But, yeah, it's about like the culture and it's almost celebrityhood. I mean, I've seen my father-in-law preach, you know, in the megachurch. And I'm just like, God, he gets so much more stage time than me. That's one thing that bothers me. I'm just like, God, he gets so much more stage time than me. That's one thing that bothers me. I'm just kidding. That's so funny.

He gets more stage time than me. An hour a night. Yeah, that's more stage time than anybody. Yeah, that's a lot of stage time. That's a lot of time. An hour a night televised. How many nights a week? Five nights a week?

Five nights a week, yeah. Yeah, I would say he probably gets a little bit more stage time than me. That's a lot of material. Because these clubs sometimes are like, do 50 minutes. And you're like, okay. Yeah, totally. But how many laughs per minute is he getting? You know what I'm saying?

But how many amens per minute am I getting? More? I mean, I only amen any time you do a set, to be honest. Any time Nicole's in the room, it's like half laughs, half amens. Thank you. Yeah. Can I ask, as an Asian-American woman, well, no, I guess, are you Asian-American? Yeah.

How do you become American? Am I American? No, that's a good question. It's something I struggle with. I feel like I recently just started calling myself Asian American. Just because I am an American now. Yeah. So, yes, you are Asian American.

Yeah. Do you find that before you settled with your husband that people would fetishize you? There was that, for sure. Yeah. And it's the media and, I don't know, and the bangs. I have no idea. And the bangs. Does it bother you?

I think that, like, it's not recommended, you know? Like, don't be walking around, like, doing that to anybody and making anybody, you know, a category because that's, you know, being like, you're different, you're an other. And so even if it's like, but it's a compliment. I like you because of it. Yeah. But you're still like putting people outside of the box.

Yes. Whether it's like because you like their hair a certain way or whatever. It's just weird. I feel conflicted because I know if someone's dating me, obviously they're into blackness and fatness. Like you have to be if that's be if you're going to date me. But it's when someone says it aloud and I'm like, oh, maybe you've thought about it more than I've thought about it and I'm living in it.

This man messaged me and was like, it was a wild message. He was like, I want to lick your pussy. I'm into, oh wait, what did he say? He's like i have jungle fever and i love a big black pussy and i was like see he should have stopped that i i want to eat lick your pussy yeah either way that was that was like a pretty forward thing to say too but could have stopped you added so much to it and made me i was just like well that doesn't make me

feel good yeah just you know all pussies equal just say yeah i agree with you just say you want to eat my puss yeah so you would do you know i've heard i've i've heard you your openings and you joke like and i would date you even if you wanted to fuck my kneecap or whatever but you're saying you do have you do draw lines. I will draw a line, and the line is, you cannot fetishize me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It is interesting to be like, if it's more than what I, like, only I can say it. Yes.

Said out loud, not you. No, no, no. Yeah, it is a weird thing where it's like, I can be like, I love me. I am proud to be Asian American. But if you're proud, if you're more proud that I'm Asian American than I am, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's very weird because I've never said to like any man, ooh wee, I can't wait to suck your white dick. Hopefully you pull down your pants and it's so white it's translucent do you know what pepper is like I've never no because then you're just a vampire you know then that's just like translucent

suck the blood you know oh boy there's this you said suck suck the blood and it reminds me of this Big Sean song where the chorus is

oh god what is it? I want to quit my job and fuck If I could quit my job and fuck you all day Shit, I would Yeah, I would And there's like a line in it where she goes The girl featuring is like I want to suck the soul out your dick

And it's my favorite song in the whole world And I want it played at my wedding Oh yes, I want to suck the soul out of your dick i see it i feel the i feel the imagery yes that's dark that's deep it's very deep and it's just like that's love that is that is that is that someone wants to quit their job and fuck you all day that's love then she wants to suck your soul out yeah passion passion i love that yeah it makes me so happy nothing left in that person while you were um uh cruising craigslist looking for dates did you ever run into anyone that was terrible have you been on any terrible dates well see these the the thing was it wasn't dates. It was just like

we were just down the fuck. Truly just hooking up? Hooking up, yeah. So, maybe that's where I went wrong with my single phase. I think I wasn't trying to date. I was like, these are just hookups.

So, I don't think I met anyone terrible. No, I got lucky. You know, I had to be careful because then the Craigslist killer was out there. And here I was just like driving up to people's random homes. And the only way I kind of like justified it for myself, I was like, sure, the casual encounter section can be dicey because you're showing up to some dude's house to hook up. But the for sale section can be dicey, too, because you're showing up at a stranger's house to buy. You are correct. Buy what?

An antique stove? Uh-huh. There is a story. Oh. About a pregnant woman going to buy baby clothes from someone's house. Oh, shoot. That she found on Craigslist. Uh-huh. Knock, knock, knock on the door. Lady answers the door. Fucking stabs her. to buy baby clothes from someone's house that she found on Craigslist.

Knock, knock, knock on the door. Lady answers the door, fucking stabs her, cuts her baby out of her, disposes her body, and then brings the baby to the hospital and is like, oh, I think my baby's sick. And it's like, yeah, the baby's sick because the baby hasn't seen a doctor since it was born because you cut it out of the mother. And then, I don't know how they pieced it together. They were like, this isn't your baby. And she was like, you got me. I don't know how the story ends.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And there's another insane baby story. We're really just going on tangent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, this man, his mom died. He's 37. I heard about this.

And then he found out that his mother was keeping his older sister who was a dead baby in the freezer for 37 years and the mother said that it was a wedding cake topper. Also also

he said it was in every freezer I remember growing up. Which means Mumsy is just transporting a dead baby Popsicle from freezer to freezer. See, I didn't know all the details. I had only tapped into the story once they found the baby. It was his older sister, so she died at birth, maybe? I think so.

I haven't gotten into the ins and outs of... And she said, hell no, she will live forever. I guess in the freezer. In a frozen form. It worked. I mean, the baby was still intact. Oh, was it? I mean, right?

I think it was mummified. So that means intact, yes. Sure, like it wasn't like dust. No. But you could tell it was a baby, obviously. Imagine being like, well, mom's dead. She was always like, it's a wedding cake topper. Don't touch it.

Yeah, sorry. I want to see the wedding cake topper. This is my immigrant coming out. But like, what is a wedding cake topper? Because I saw that and I was like, okay, what is that? It must be a thing white people tell each other and they believe it. Because what is a wedding cake topper that you keep for 37 years? So you're supposed to keep, I think you're only supposed to keep it for like a year.

So it's the top layer of a traditional tiered wedding cake. And it has the two figurines. Oh, got it. Like the bride and the groom figurines or whatever. So you cut the top little piece of cake and then you can keep it in your freezer. And I think you're only supposed to keep it for like a year. So on your one year anniversary, you like thaw it out and eat it. Got it.

So either way, that is still a crazy thing to keep for 37 years. I think so. Okay. Yeah. So it's not like all these families are out there being like, oh, honey, that's a wedding cake topper. No. When we sold my dad's house, there was no wedding cake toppers in our freezer. Okay.

Because, yeah, because it expires. It's no longer edible. You can only keep things in the freezer for a very, like, not a short amount of time, but you have to, like, make sure it's, like, vacuum sealed and shit. Right. Like, my mom would store, like, meats. She would, like, she would marinate meats and put them in the freezer. Yeah. Yeah. Like a normal person. Like normal. She would marinate meats and put them in the freezer.

Yeah, like a normal person. Oh boy. The world's getting wilder and wilder. And then today I saw a kid had like 500 teeth removed from his cheek. Excuse me? It was like a kid in India. He had a bunch of teeth in his cheek.

500? Something like that. It was like a real wild number. Oh my god. See, and people made fun of me for getting on Something like that. It was like a real wild number. Oh my God. See, and people made fun of me for getting on Craigslist. You're crazy. You're crazy. No, the world is crazy.

The world is crazy. People have cheek teeth. Excuse me? Yeah. No, fuck that. But also Craigslist is very similar to Tinder now. Like I'm swiping on these people. That are strangers.

And then I'm meeting them either at their homes or in public yeah it's easy breezy that's why there's raya where you can you know what it's is this does it feel like it's actually more um vetted no because it's you know supposedly no raya is a false dream that people are trying to perpetuate, that it's an exclusive thing. It's a real treat to be on it. It's not a treat. I don't like it. Yeah, and do you want to be in a relationship necessarily with someone in the same industry?

Maybe. That might make sense. I go back and forth on that. I think dating an actor might be insufferable because to be an actor you have to inherently be really self-absorbed because you have to have a delusion

that you're going to get this job out of a thousand people and then when you get there you're going to be so good at it. And then you're like obsessed with your looks and how you look on camera and you love talking about yourself. I mean I love talking about myself. I have a whole podcast where I talk about myself. Yeah but you leave space for other people to talk too. You know what I'm saying?

I try. And there's self-reflection because you're a comedian. Obviously, I agree, and I like comedians more. I like comedians, but then I'm also, in a way, I'm like, not all of us are broken, not everyone, but a lot of people are broken and a little crazy so I'm like I don't know if I want to date a comedian I want to date like a producer or a director or someone or like a camera op like someone who has uh long days gets what I

do but doesn't necessarily do what I do yeah Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like someone who works a graveyard shift. I'm just kidding. Well, now that's just different. Well, I'm out at the nighttime. So, yeah, if you work at night, we can, you know, sleep until noon. Yeah. And then, I don't know. I think prime time when we've exchanged messages, it has been like three in the morning.

Yeah. That is how I communicate with most people yeah do you know kim new money yes yeah so kim and i are working on a book together i know and i only text her at like 3 a.m and she's always awake yeah i feel like a lot of creative people are just awake late we're awake late yeah we're awake late and then the morning hits and it hurts man it burns my skin i once said to my therapist i'd like to sleep forever and she was like i'm not worried i understand it mornings are so hard yeah mornings are hard so hard to just like get up and live yeah for me only the bad things in my life have only happened during the day

i agree and my dad used to say that bad things in my life have only happened during the day. I agree. And my dad used to say that bad things happen at night. And I was like, good things happen for me. I have shows. People laugh. Exactly. I fuck. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever fucked during the day. Yeah. It doesn't happen. If it's sweatier, the sun's staring at you uh yeah only bad things have happened to me during the day my dad left during the day whoa yeah i remember uh and then uh when did he say he was leaving or he just leave it was this thing where we had a it was a handoff so it was me and my dad met my mom and grandma at a park He handed me over to them And then I never saw him again

And then we got on the plane To come here during the day too A lot of traumatic things And then that's when we became undocumented Because we overstayed our visas So yeah, I'm a night time gal too Dang Imagine just being handed off

Well, you don't have to imagine. It happens. Just being like, okay, bye-bye. And you're like, bye-bye? Alright. I know. I know. Because it was this thing. They weren't very, they were like, we'll plan it. You guys go on the swings. And when she turns around,

I'll be gone. And I'm like, yeah, but then how do you deal with the rest of the play time? Have you spoken to your dad since or no i have i have yeah we we're actually close now it's complex there was more than just him leaving that was happening so okay yeah is he over here or is he still in he's in indonesia oh yeah so he far yeah yeah that's real far away yeah yeah so i didn't have like great like relationship models in my life so yeah but i think you won you're married and you seem very happy i'm married i'm happy i want to give it to other people i i i feel i feel weird talking about my marriage I think because it sounds it sounds like I think I feel silly I feel silly being like oh you know yeah we're happily married again it's

the going back to like we met we clicked it was fine he was hot like you know I know it's a privilege to be able to have a happy marriage. I mean, I think you should consider yourself very lucky. And I think you should be proud that you are in a happy relationship. I didn't do anything. I just showed up one day. Yeah, but sometimes it's all you have to do. All you have to do is show up and be present. And I think it's an accomplishment to be in a fulfilling, happy relationship.

Because a lot of people want that or can't seem to find it or stay in bad situations. So I don't know. I think it's cool. Look, that's respect, too. August 29th. Yeah. If you're listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wait. This will be after August 29th. So whatever. You still could hope and wish. I'm going to be sending people on the close way. Well, does your husband have any friends? He does have friends. Yeah.

In fact, he does. Single friends. Thanks for reminding me. He does have friends and he should hang out with them more. That's just a side note. Well, no, he sent me up with some of his single friends. Yeah. That's so funny that you're like, he does have friends.

He should hang out with them. I'm joking. I like that you didn't ask if i have any friends because that would mean that it were it's comedians and you know i figured it'd probably be more it would be the same people yeah i'd be like yep i know that person it would be people that you have possibly thought about and purposely avoided so why would i bring them back in your life and i'm also waiting for people to like get divorced because i think that's going to be happening soon. That is a thing. Divorces, very high rate.

50% of marriages get divorced in the U.S. And I'm waiting for those divorces to roll on in baby and then I'll cash in and I'll get me a man. Are your parents still together? No. Well, technically.

Because they did. Oh, okay. Yeah, so my mom died, and then my dad died. My dad never remarried. Got it. So, I don't know. Yeah. And I went to a, whatchamajiggy, a, not a reader, a medium, who was like, I was like,

they still together? What's up? And he was like, spirits and entities and they float. And I was like, I don't have time for this bullshit. They didn't tell you? No. Because nobody can tell you what happens in the afterlife. But I thought that's what, so what's the medium's job then?

To tell you what happens in the afterlife. But it's all a lie. I hope you got a discount. If all she said was spirits and floaties. Excuse me? I didn't get a discount. No, I'm thinking about seeing someone like that, actually. Like a psychic.

I don't think you should waste your time. I'm curious. Maybe I just need material. But yeah, you're right. Astrology is enough. So, can I ask you a question? Yes, of course. If you were married already,

would you date me? Of course! Yay! Nicole, yeah. Jump on it. I mean, assuming that you'd be down too. Yeah. It's very important for me in a relationship is that the other person wants to be with me too. Yeah. That was a very sweet, wholesome response. I loved it.

Do you have any, we've come to the end. Yeah. Do you have anything you would like to promote well i have you know my weekly podcast let's go let's go which comes out every friday and it's a live show once a month at the dynasty typewriter and uh by the time this comes out i think nicole's episode that is from the live show with Andy Richter and Sashir Zamata will be out. Oh, Andy will be there? Andy Richter, yes. Andy will be there.

And so, listen out for it. It's called Let's Go, Let's Go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. It was a real treat. It was a real treat. You're a real treat. Oh, thank you. And if you like this episode of Oh, I Want You, Date Me,

you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or something, and you can send me a nasty little DM, or you can tweet it at me like this person did, and I'll read it. So this person said, Here goes nothing. I want to dress up

like a giant big dick spider and chase you down the streets of LA screaming naked. Then I'll squirt spider fluid onto that big velvety dark chocolate ass. I've never said anything like this. So I won't say your name, but thank you very much. That was very silly. Let's see. do i have another one i think i do okay this one uh all i know is butt stuff so i want to shove all those products you endorse i.e quip those vitamins

those bras etc up your ass and maybe you'll puss it too. Then use you as a carry-on and stow you in an overhead bin. What? That's a murderer. Yes, why? You would have to really chop me up to get me in an overhead bin. Also, I think I would be over the weight

limit. Like, that's, that, honestly, my friend, thank you for sending it, but you better believe that's a bad plan thank you again okay bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.