Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hot Porn Seaches (w/ Bridget Everett)

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

The hilarious Bridget Everett (Somebody, Somewhere) joins Nicole to discuss the hot porn searches they've been into, the need for increased privacy on dating apps, Bridget's experience hooking up with a go-go dancer at a gay bar, and her stand-up routine where she has audience members motorboat her huge titties. Plus, the story about the woman whose breast implants started to grow mold. Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast from me, Nicole Meyer, is trying to figure out love, relationships, and other things. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, actress, and singer who's appeared on Inside Amy Schumer,

Lady Dynamite, Girls and Sex in the City. In a very funny part where when I saw you in the movie, I was like, oh, what a dream. We're semi-autobiographical. Autobiographical. Oh, my God. Am I saying that word right? Autobiographical series. Somebody Somewhere has returned for a season two on HBO Max. It's Bridget Everett, who's also appeared on Nailed It. Hi, Bridget.

That's one of my shining credits. I get a lot of people wanting to know, what was it like on Nailed It? What's Nicole like? I'm like, she's an angel. What else do you want to know? Just a little angel. Oh my God. Bridget, I was introduced to you. I like somebody had posted a clip of you at Joe's pub, which is one of my favorite places in New York. And you were singing and you like took your titties and you smashed them in someone's face. And I was like, boy, oh boy, this lady's for me. We find each other eventually. Right. How did that come about? did you what at what point were

you like I'm gonna smash my titties into people's faces it's so funny and so great you know it's so funny like I remember taking the song idea to my band and um I was uh playing catch club with my which is like this thing I did with my friends Murray Hill and Neil Medlin, AKA Champagne Jerry. We go out to McCarran Park in Brooklyn and do drills and play catch. And as I was shagging fly balls, I was, started thinking about different kinds of tits. And cause we always used to call my mom, you know, my mom had these like beaver tail tits or so my brother called beaver tails. Anyway. So I said to my friend Adam, who happened to be ad rockrock of the Beastie Boys, I was like, I have this sort of song idea about different kinds of tits,

but it's kind of silly. He's like, no. He's like, if silly work for the Beastie Boys, it's going to work for you. So anyway, you know, then he sort of suggested this bounce thing, like bounce, bounce, bounce. I was like, well, that makes me want to bounce them around somebody's face and give them like my kind of hug my kind of hug my kind of hug truly love that so much um Bridget I have a question yeah okay are you single dating or who's to say you don't Oh, my God, Nicole. I'm so single.

I was like, oh, Nicole wants to, you know, can you do this podcast with Nicole about dating? I'm like, oh, okay. I mean, I got a lot of search words, you know, like my favorites for Pornhub and RedTube. Ooh, wait, what are your favorites for Pornhub and RedTube. Ooh, wait, what are your favorites for Pornhub? Oh my God, it's so early in the conversation. Well, first of all, I'm not a lesbian, right? But I like everything to be natural. So sometimes I have to put in natural tits because if I'm watching somebody else with fake tits,

it takes me out of it. And I like a silver daddy um i like a little elder i don't know if i would like it for myself but there's stuff i don't know i like there's this guy randy west are you familiar with this work i don't know randy west i'm gonna look him up my favorite is owen gray oh i owen gray or greg gray g r e y oh my god i'll look them up also i i like there's so many i'm a fan of so many people's work there are people doing incredible things but most of my guys are i think of uh have taken i think most of my guys are retired there's this guy george wool um who does some of those massage room videos. Uh-huh. Okay.

You know. I feel like we have similar tastes because I like when people take care of one another. I really love couples who, like, when they're done, cuddle for a little bit. There's one couple where she, like, put her legs up at the end and I was like, oh, I wonder if they're trying for a baby. And she was like, I think I'm going to get pregnant this time. And I was like, I'm watching people try to have a baby. And then that took me out. I was like, oh boy, that's a little too intimate for me.

Oh, I love that you can find me emotional parts of porn. Because for me, as soon as I, you know, as soon as the uh the roman candle goes off i'm lights out i'm just like shut the lid of the computer roll over take my 22 minute nap and call it a day no i i really stick around for the whole thing after they're done if there's like if there's talking i'm like well what are you guys talking about oh my god i gotta look for some what's going on some porn with some post-coital love. I feel like it's hard to even find, like, kissing. I was watching a porn the other day, like, where they were kissing.

And it's, like, such a rarity, you know, because I don't want to watch, like, amateurs doing it, like, when it's a real couple. I want to see strangers coming together because that, to me, feels something, like like I can relate to a little bit more. I also, I like couples, but I also do like strangers. And I think you're right. There isn't enough like kissing in the beginning to like get you into it. It's just like a little kiss, some tug, and then they're fucking. And it's like, but like, what about just like laying down, kiss for a little bit. Did you guys want to do that a little bit? I would love that too, because I feel like it's this road map you know you got your they start she goes down he goes down cowgirl reverse cowgirl blah blah nut you know or whatever

you call her i would just like i'd like to see a little more spontaneity i like i really like to know that people are enjoying themselves or not but you know but they have a point of view you know it's not like they're not enjoying themselves but you're like i like like i not that they're not enjoying themselves i want them to be enjoying them but you know like sort of that sort of like like i don't need somebody smiling i like a little lost in ecstasy ecstasy sort of pained look on the face because it's that good. I like it when it's that good. I like it too.

There is one porn that I cannot find again. And it's this like, they're supposed to be a couple, but there's no like, you don't really think they're a couple. You're like, I'm watching a porn. You're not actually together. And they're like visiting her family. And she's like, listen, we can't be loud and it's like pretty well acted and he was like but i want you like i feel like i want you and she's like then we have to be quiet and then anytime she like moaned a little too loud he was like shh

and i was like oh my god and i felt like a fly on the wall and i was like i wonder if they're gonna get caught i'm into that that because when i was in college i had this boyfriend and we were i went to visit his family in pennsylvania and he came in i was staying in the room with the baby right like there's in like there's like a bed and like there's a baby anyway he came in and we didn't have a lot of um sex but we did have sex that day and there was a baby monitor and i guess we never thought about that, right? So you go out, just like talking to the parents. And then you hear like the baby started starting to make a little.

I was like, oh, my God. Like the baby wasn't in there when we had sex. That just happened to be a baby monitor in the room. Anyway, I'm not doing a very good job of telling this story. But there was a baby monitor. And I know his parents heard us having sex. And that was the way we found out by the good good guy guy I'm like oh my god anyway that's a very funny way to take yourself out of something it's like what there's maybe where's the baby but you know I think what you're doing that I'm not doing and I should do

is like a lot of times I scrub through the uh the storyline you know I they I don't want to they knock on the door they come in because it's usually I just assume it's going to be bad acting but uh if I could find the ones like you're talking about that really if you get somebody that like really delivers some you know like delivers a human connection that's going to bring the me you know it's always going to add to the meaning and maybe I'll make a more intense orgasm. Okay. There is a porn, Jake Adams. So Jake Adams fingers really, really well. And that was the video that I watched where they're like, shh. But also here's a sad part about Jake Adams. He's dead. It's not funny,

but he died. He died in a motorcycle crash. And yeah, he died in 2001 or no, 20, 2021. And, but like, okay,

here's the thing. I'm like, well, he wants us. He, everyone wants their art to live on. So I feel like I'm doing a good thing by continuing to watch but it does feel weird at first and you're like this man's dead oh but you know you're honoring his work you're honoring his

work honoring his work you know like we're still i still watch barbara walter interviews that's specifically this one interview she did with Donald Sterling's mistress because it's very funny. At one point, she was like, I'm his silly rabbit. And Barbara goes,

is that what he calls you? And she goes, no. Was that in one of those, people were making those super cuts of Barbara Walter's interviews? Was that in some of her, there she is with Dondi and I don don't know julia roberts and who else and presidents and

then blah blah blah then she's like i'm not as little funny i don't know oh my god i'm his silly rabbit is that what he calls you no it's so funny to me wait frigid Bridget, are you looking? Are you on apps? I haven't done any of that. I'm too scared. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I don't know. Do you do that? So I was on the apps. I recently hopped off the apps because I've been dating pretty uninterrupted since 21. Oh, wow. Okay. Just like looking like

just try to get a boyfriend or just a partner. And it hasn't worked out in my favor. So I was like, I need a break. But I did reopen Tinder two days ago, match with someone. And they were like, why did you match with me? And then I like really went through their someone. And they were like, why did you match with me? And then I like really went through their profile. And I was like, because I didn't realize how far away you are. Why did you match with me? Because he's 800 miles away. Oh, my God. I was just like, oh, my God. And he goes, oh, I match with you because you're hot. And I was like, cool, but you're so far away. We're never gonna see each other each other i mean you wouldn't hop on a plane for that i don't you know if you'd asked me 10 years ago i would have been like absolutely i'll travel

for dick but now i've had so much dick that like i could find local dick that's just as good if not better well let me so let me maybe you know i don't know how often you you do this with anybody else on the podcast but like i i don't know i i feel like i'm nervous to do you know i tried to do riot in the early stages but they just didn't ever get back to me so i was like okay two and a half years for me to get on right okay what the fuck like i'm like i have to i'm i'm getting the courage up to join an app and for some reason you know my friend had met somebody on raya i think amy schumer did and she's like all right get on raya and so i was like okay and i like i was like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna just i'm gonna take a chance i love him take a chance on myself i like you know sign up and

then they never fucking wrote me back and i was like well that is just a bit you know if they're not gonna fucking you know they're basically saying no no it's not gonna work for you i don't know so i just and then i don't know the tinder and the bumble i get them all confused and and then i'm worried like this is gonna sound weird but like is somebody just gonna want to like you know it going to be like they're curious? Like, maybe, I don't know, they know who I am or something. Oh, yeah. You'll definitely come across people who know who you are and are not here for the right reasons.

But you just kind of have to like weed them out or whatever. I don't know. I think if you joined Raya now, you would hear back from them and they would let you on. It's not as, for whatever reason in the beginning, it was like only Australian DJs, models and moderately famous people.

I'm none of those things. But I think, I think now they have it together where they're like, oh, you're a working actor. Like you are successful. I think they'll let you on. And is there,

is it still like tinder is kind of just for for getting dick and then or once one's like hooking up and what is this and one's that or is that tinder is very hookupy but I did meet someone like a year and a half ago who I dated for a little bit um so I was like okay maybe maybe tinder's back and people want to be in relationships. But now I think it's back to being like just hookups. Uh, Hinge is definitely relationships. Um, Field is terrible.

The way you said it, I was like, yes, I'm signing up for Field. And you're like, it's terrible. I'm like, I'm listening. Okay. What else? Tell me more about Field. Field is a, it's a kink app where people are looking for just sex or just threesomes or just for you to suck on their toes, which is nice and good. But everyone I matched with knew who I was, and it felt very weird.

Well, I mean, I don't mind something about a kink, but I'm also just like, I want that to stay private. Or until I want to talk about it on stage. Yes. It's my choice. I have autonomy and like, I want to talk about sucking on toes. I love toe jam. I say that like, I don't need someone to tell the world for me. And that was the issue I have with it because I had a friend who was like, oh, I heard you're on field. I had two friends who were like, heard you're on field. And I was like, what do you mean? Someone who saw me was friends with them and let them know that I was on and I was like oh I don't like this this isn't fun yeah I think it's it's less about like somebody it feels

like the it's not like oh they're curious because maybe they see me on the tv or something it's like they're sort of like oh I saw someone you know nobody's reporting-and-so down the street that they're on whatever app. Like I just, I don't know. I don't want people talking about it. I want to, I don't know why. I don't know who cares.

Nobody cares what I'm doing. But there's something about it. It's like, I'm pretty open and talk about a lot of shit, but it's my choice. And I always want it to be my choice. I don't want people to make assumptions or talk about me for me. Yeah, exactly.

I just can't go on it. Well, maybe you said Tinder and then Bumble. No, it's not Bumble. What's the one? Hinge? Hitch? Hinge. All right.

And then there's also Bumble where you have to approach the men. But I feel like as a fat lady a fat black lady that seems aggressive to men so like bumble just hasn't i've never gone on a date from bumble okay i don't think that's for me either i want it to be a mutual choice i want people i want i'm in i'm in we're both in like just sort of we're choosing each other maybe i don't have to go ask it for it. I don't know. I also don't want to go asking for it. So wait, have you been in like a long, you said you have one boyfriend in college. Have you had a long-term relationship or do you have like tons of little short relationships?

You know, I've been, it's sort of been a a little uh dry for a while now um you know i had a dog and then i got another one i did meet this guy at the this bar the corner pocket definitely new orleans um well it's a gay bar but you know how all the go-go boys are. I was like, I'm straight. I'm just here. And I had one that was there to prove a point. And I'm like, I'm listening. So he took me over back by the pool table next to the bathroom. I was like, this is getting out of hand.

You know, my friends could see they're sitting at the bar there's like a straight eyeline and i'm and we were you know close to to getting it done but i was like okay i gotta stop i gotta stop just practically in tears because it felt so good to be touched that is like another thing like i will give it up i will give it up like i'm not a prude i'm i'm happy i I'm happy to do what it takes to make both parties happy, satisfied, and proud of the work they've done. I will do what it takes. And as I've said before, I'm not flexible, but I'm a real good sport. That's my favorite thing I think I've ever heard. I'm not flexible, but I am a good sport.

So I'm ready to sort of, you know, take some chances. I'm curious. Maybe I'll just, you know, throw up a little profile. This might be the inspiration I need to kind of get back in the ring. We'll see. I'm excited for you. Has anyone ever tried to, like, hook you up with anybody? Barely. Like, what does that say?

Well, all of my friends are always like, oh, everyone I know is a dirtbag. And I'm like, okay, then why are you friends with dirtbags? But I mean, I'm not gonna beg you to hook me up with someone who's terrible. I mean, I don't know what it is. I guess I'm older now, so a lot of my friends are older and everybody's kind of been through the ringer. I don't know, but I'm like, well, now I'm on TV. What's that going to do for me? I don't leave the apartment enough, Nicole. I got to get out there. Maybe next time I'm in LA, I'll call you and I'll be your wing woman and we can just see what's out there. and I'll be your wing woman and we can just see what's out there. I would have such a blast with that. I'm a pretty decent wing woman only because I just ask blunt questions.

Actually, maybe I'm bad at it because I'll just be like, who do you want? Who are you flirting with? Which one of us do you want? And usually they're like your friend and I'm like, okay, good. I can do this. Now that I know this, I can help out.

But yeah, I'll take you out. I don't go out enough either. I don't. Because you're in LA, right? Yes. And I have like a couple of spots that I frequent. But a lot of them aren't just like bar bars. And every time I go to a bar bar, I'm like, boy, everyone here is so young.

I feel so old sometimes. boy everyone here's so young yeah so old sometimes i do like to find the places like we're sort of the the rundown uh uh people like to go i was just in my hometown visiting my mom and my brother and i went to this place called the cock and bowl which is kind of the the bar on the outskirts that you know um where the uh the people that have lived in my hometown have been there for they haven't really left or whatever and i met some real interesting characters i met this one guy and you know tattoos which i like you know i don't give a fuck i'll take i'll take whatever as long as you know he just he had a point of view and we were talking he's drinking the whiskey and the the beer and I got a little closer.

I'm like, it's Keystone Light. All right. Well, that's okay. I'll let it go. And then he's, you know, smoking cigarettes. And I'm like, all right. I don't really like a smoker. And then he started talking and, you know, we sort of had different views on pretty much everything.

You know, he's like, he's from Idaho. He left off a shirt. He had a little snail trail things. Don't they call them, you know, the hair that goes from there to there, whatever. I don't know. I think so. I was like, okay, I could maybe diddle that. And then he just starts talking and drunker he gets.

I'm like, oh, he has anger issues. And oh, no, and that was offensive. And, oh, that was offensive. And, oh, we don't align on gun control. Oh, this is getting bad. I could just see every drink I was taking was just trying to say, just let it go, Bridget. Just go get fingered in the bathroom, something. But I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it. He was just not, it wasn't right but it was good to sort of have that initial initial jolt of like I like that I like the charge again I'm like oh well I still can get horny you know that's good to know it is confounding sometimes you're like is it me can I be horny you're like no no I can be and I tried really hard to be horny? You're like, no, no, I can be. And I tried really hard to be horny for this person and they were just bad. Wait, Bridget, real quick, we have to take a break. Okay. Boop bop, boop bop, we're back.

Okay, so what are you looking for in a partner? Like, say you could open your door and there was someone right there that you were like, yes, you're perfect. 6'2", 6'3", because I'm, you know, almost six feet tall. Post-athletic build, you know, doesn't worry about hitting the gym, but still has a little leftover infrastructure. I've never heard that before. Post-athletic

um oh god you know it's great kind of quiet doesn't have to be all that smart i like i like simple things and most of all i don't want anybody that's gonna disrupt my life too much you You know, oh God, I'm really, you know, I'm really doing a great job here. I don't know. I like,

I like to do certain things. You know, when I was home this weekend, my brother was like, he was dragging his heels and we're going to breakfast. I'm like, I don't want to,

I don't, if we don't get there soon, you know, we're going to have to wait 45 minutes for our table. So if we get there now, and I, you know, I just have like a lot of things in my head because I've lived alone for so long but I for the right for the right

simple sweet lightly funny just just sensitive enough you know kind of guy with a nice open mind I'll change my schedule around I'll flip it around and I don't need it to be I don't need a foot long mind, I'll change my schedule around. I'll flip it around. And I don't need it to be, I don't need a foot long, but I need, I'm a big woman and I've never had a man tell me that I got a TLP,

tight-lipped pussy. So I need like a, TLP. I don't need a function can of corn, but I need something that I can grab a hold of. You know? Mm-hmm.

A. I agree. A big honking dick is something that I want. I, you know, I'm a proud size queen. I love a huge penis. Um,

I also don't have a tight little pussy. Although I did hook up with one guy where I was like, can you put another finger in? He was like, no. And I was like, but I think you can, if you just try it.

And he was like, no, it's too tight. And I was like, I don't think so. I think if you just tried and put it in there, it'd be fine. And then I just like took me out of it. And I was like no it's too tight and i was like i don't think so i think if you just tried and put it in there it'd be fine and then it just like took me out of it and i was like this man won't even he just won't try oh my god i can take his fingers his friend's fingers and and everybody else down at the bar all at once everybody's fingers get on in here high five each other pointing left and right check out

I'm just wondering what you're looking for because if we if we go out you know sort of you know look at uh are we going to be looking for the same thing or well I'm into this post athletic body because I don't want anyone who's like muscly because muscles aren't comfortable to lay on yeah um I like them tall but I'm open to a short person that's fine um I like hair I like a full head of hair um I like good teeth uh kind eyes and then they have to be nice and kind of funny yeah like funny in a way where like they say things that are funny and they're not like trying yeah it's just sort of unexpected sort of you know not like trying to like bump set spike a joke you know just sort of like it just sort of comes out you're like oh he

just said that oh he's i want to i want to be surprised by like oh oh you are funny oh my god i always forget how funny you are i Uh-huh. I love kind eyes. Whatever man wants to hear. Kind eyes is great. And I'm also open to a shorty if he's got a big fucking kickstand. Big honking dick, that's what we want. I mean, I got big tits. Does that count for anything? Yes. I wish I had bigger titties. But the older I get, the more I'm like, I have the titties that were meant for me. And I really wanted breast implants, but I just saw a story of a lady who had mold in her implants.

They took them out and they were just filled with mold. You're going to throw up. Isn't that fucking nasty? And they were making her sick. And she kept saying, she was like, I think it's the implants. And they were making her sick and she kept saying she was like i think it's the implants and they were like no it's not the implants then they she had them removed stirb sure enough oh my god yes implants i hope she is swimming and all that money she made from that settlement that is so disgusting because oh how does that even fucking happen? Like they didn't even leak or anything.

They just molded in her, which is like, I just, I just can't. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was like, I'm happy with these tiny little titties. I got a fat ass. That's the thing I'm working with. I'll just, you know, walk, you know, butt first into rooms and people go, ooh, okay. Well, you know, like there's something for

everyone and I was my tits like when I was in high school you know they were a lot higher and whatever and now they're starting to sort of slowly just melt down the front of my body wait were you like uh my sister she like developed pretty early and then got her period pretty early were you did you have like titties in like middle school yeah i had titties in middle school i got my period in middle school but like my friend april ford she got hers in like the fourth grade and she had a full suit cup in the fourth grade and i was like that's that's a rough road because you know you don't want to be yes sexualized at that age but you know you know just seventh grade is hard enough but yeah i uh my god fourth grade that's that's intense she was

sweet as could be but I was just like oh my god what it must have been like to you know and then my friend I think Gabby Edvey got him in the fourth or fifth grade and I you know I was you know it's kind of what we don't have at least at that age for me and I was like oh and then mine came in and they were like fine and then they started to get a little bit bigger and and then mine came in and they were like, fine. And then they started to get a little bit bigger. And, and then, but then they started dropping and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're supposed to be up here. Where are you going? Why are you leaving? But I still like them. They're still my favorite thing to look at when I look in the mirror. My butt is my favorite thing. And it's hard. Because you've got to really twist to see it.

Oh, my God. Like I said, I'm not flexible. So I don't know what good that would do for me. But you're a good sport. I wished and wished and wished for titties. And one of my favorite books growing up was, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

And they used to do this, like, titty exercise. We must. We must. We must increase our buzz. Yeah, We must. I would do that every single night. I'm going to be like, dear God, please. Can I have titties? And he said, absolutely not. No, not you, my child. You can't. And now I'm like, all right, it's fine. Well, hopefully you don't have lower back issues. I mean, that's like the sort of the yin and yang of it. Did I, wait, now is Jodi Blume, not to go off topic,

but is she kind of having a moment right now for something? Maybe not. Well, yes. So are you there, God? It's me. Margaret was turned into a movie and then her book Forever, which I loved, was banned in schools because it talks about sex. Jesus, what is happening?

Everything's upside down. Oh my God. It's very weird because I was like, I think I turned out pretty okay reading the books that now are banned. Exactly. I think I'm okay. Like, I grew up around gay people and I saw drag queens pretty early. Like, I think I'm fine. I'm telling you, like, these are all the things that like inform my life. Drag queens, gay men, and men and in good books you know and like now they want to get they get rid of everything I'm like what's gonna be left it's just it's beyond nothing it'll be like a weird puritanical country but then also I'm like I don't know religion's pretty bad the Dalai Lama tried to suck a have a child suck his tongue did you see that I saw that I'm I'm I don't know what i read it and then i saw the video and

i was like oh that's worse than i thought someone interpreted that like it was just so fucking weird yeah i wish that never happened it's so upsetting it's so upsetting and i'm like i've never seen a drag queen do that also drag like it's such like a weird thing so like i started going to clubs when i was like 19 um and then that was the first time I saw Drag Queen. I was like, huh, big ladies. And I know they're not ladies, but I was like, I'm a big lady. They're a big lady. They look so pretty. And then I was like, oh, I can be pretty. I don't know. It was like a thing that really helped me in my early 20s. I agree. Feel like I could be beautiful. I agree. Feel like I could be beautiful.

Yeah. I think that when I moved to New York, I was kind of, I just moved here because I thought I wanted to be in music theater or musical theater and whatever. And then I started going downtown and I started seeing like these, you know, drag performers and, you know, I saw this drag queen named Sweetie who's like, she's since passed away. I love Sweetie. Oh my God. this drag queen named sweetie who's like she she says passed away but she's a big oh my god sweetie is like you know probably with heels on six four or something big old wigs with the mama tattoo and used to just you know lip sync like i shall be released or whatever the fuck she did i would

always cry because there was so much power and conviction in what she was doing like she transformed the room and that's and I and I remember like talking to her one night after a show at the Parkside Lounge where she was performing and and just and like the way she kind of took me under her wing and like had like she was excited about what I was doing she's like oh you're a singer I want to hear you sing and then you know and then from that like helped you know gave me opportunities to perform but like not just that but it's like what you're saying like I felt like she was like big and powerful and took up the space in the room and kind of and didn't apologize for it she just took over the room it was so powerful yeah she hosted this show that i

worked called i think it was like the ultimate drag competition or something and she hosted it and she was so fucking funny all the time and then when i worked at lame bryant she would come in for shapewear and i would like rush to help her because i just because i knew who she was and i loved her and she would come in a bald with a big fur coat and then she'd be like honey do you have any new shape where he'd be like yes okay hold on yeah like drag has truly shaped the way I perform and the way I like hold space but oh god I didn't I haven't like I haven't met very many people who knew Sweetie. And she was truly an icon. Just a New York fucking icon. To me, she is the gold standard of what it is to do that kind of...

Because there's a lot of... I love all the death drops and the this, that, and all that business too. But I always felt like there was just such heart and humanity in her. Even though she, I think she called herself a big titty honky tonk woman or some shit like that. You know, I can't remember. But she, you know, just the way she would kind of just like rev up her titties as she was singing and kind of, but it was always very like still, but powerful. I don't know.

I, you know, that's, she's one of definitely the first people that shaped my life, changed my life, and gave me life. So I'm glad you know her because I'm so happy to be talking about her. It was the anniversary of her death the other day, and I just like, oh, I just, everyone. Sweetie and then Lonnie Anderson and Poppy Louise, my dog that passed away. She's sweet Lonnie Lou. But at first I tried calling her Sweetie, but she wouldn't respond. And I tried calling her Lonnie for Lonnie Anderson. But when I started calling her Lulu, she's like, yes, Bobby. Yes, Bobby. Yes, Bobby. That's so funny that dogs will be like, no, you certainly can't call me that. Because my dog's name is Clyde.

And when I got him I tried to change it and I called him several things and then he was like I'm Clyde you cannot call me anything else I will not respond to you and sure enough here we are seven years later and his name is still Clyde now what kind of dog is it again he is part Chihuahua Pomeranian and then I think Terrier is what the test said. Yeah. Well, I have a little palm. That's why I thought you had like, I feel like I've seen videos or something of Clyde.

But anyway, well, one day we'll get them together and see what happens. My dog, she's a fucking maniac. My first palm was an absolute. My dog Poppy was like, oh, I can love again. Like Poppy taught me how to love. I'm like, I can love. I can go out in the world. I can meet somebody now.

I'm ready. But then she died and I was like, no, I can't because it's too fucking painful. And then I got a new dog and I'm like, all right, I need somebody to help take care of her. So I think I'm ready. Who wants it? Yeah, who wants it? Who's going to take care of this dog with me? Poppy was so sweet.

Poppy went everywhere with you, right? Yeah, I'm sure she was with me when I shot Nailed It. I brought her everywhere. She was. Yeah. And she was so calm and nice. And I was like, I wish Clyde would be like that. Clyde, he bites people.

This new one's got a little bit of that in her, too. I'm so happy, by the way, for all your success, Nicole. I think you're just such a delight to watch. So it's really cool to see you uh to see you so i feel the same way for you i'm so excited about your show i watched the first episode and i thought it was so good and i was like oh this is a new show i gotta watch well there's more yeah because there's a whole second season when did the second season come out it It just came out, right? Yeah, because this comes out in May sometime, right?

Yeah, so we would have been... It starts April 23rd and then wraps up Memorial Day. But, you know, it's always there on the internet, ready to stream. Always ready to stream. Head on over to HBO Max. You could stream. Somebody, somewhere. My lovely co-star Jeff Hiller was on. Jeff Hiller.

Oh, I was so excited when I saw that Jeff was on the show because he's such a delight. And he works a lot. But I was like, I wish he worked more. And then I was like, oh, yes, he's on this show. This is fabulous. What a beautiful pairing. Oh, yeah. He's really so special.

I feel like that's kind of the thing with the show. And Murray Hill, who's been around for a number of years. Oh, years and years's really so special. I mean, I feel like that's kind of thing with the show, like, and Murray Hill, who's been around for a number of years, like, we're all years and years and years. Yeah, we've all been kind of like, trying to drag ourself through it. And so it's kind of, you know, when we're when we're shooting, we shoot the Chicagoland area. It's like, oh, we're all just, we're all a couple people on our 40s. Well, but you know just kind of having doing this thing together and it feels really special in that way so anyway blah blah blah I don't know I think it's special I love it and it's based on your life right well I mean loosely it's based on like the themes you know like the kind of uh you know love of music and singing and being from Manhattan, Kansas and, and all that and, and, and struggles with like kind of self-worth and grief and all that business. So, you know, cause like the stage, my stage persona is like full blown tits, pussy, you know, all that business. But this is like a more, this is the tender underbelly, I guess.

The humanized version of Tits and Pussy. Oh, yes. The people had to know. What got you into singing? I just always loved doing it. You know, like I grew up in Kansas, like I said, and my mom was a music teacher. And my parents kind of had a really rocky you know relationship and divorce and all that but like the thing that kind of always was something that we all related on was music and when we was singing around the piano it was just like the happiest times and I don't know I guess I'm still trying to chase those happy moments but I I love it there's

something about singing that feels like I click in you know what I mean I feel I feel alive um and it just is like it's I always feel like I can connect with people that way like sometimes we're talking and I'm I'm doing great right now because you're such a great person to talk with but you know but a lot of times I'm just like getting you out of here you know I'm not a it's not the easiest for me so i i don't know but singing is like i feel like if you if you're telling somebody you're asking or telling somebody what kind of tits they have it's going to bring you together right if you're asking somebody what i gotta do to get that dick out of my mouth it's going to bring you together if you sing the pussy grabs back it's going to bring you together you know if you're gonna sing uh fucking put your dick away that's going to bring you together you know if you're gonna sing uh fucking put your dick away that's gonna bring people together it's an equalizer it's a great equalizer i agree i mean if someone

told me to put my dick away and if i had a dick i'd be like oh okay all right we've connected i'll put it away don't worry i'm gonna pull mine out of my drawer after this podcast not not connected to like whatever but you know it's like my nap time and that's how I fall asleep so that's how I fall asleep too sometimes many times I've woken up in the morning with my vibrators still on me and I go wow I guess I had a good session because I went right to sleep this is a very interesting thing I've learned about you. So you went to college in Arizona. Yeah. And you worked at the country's first PFJs. That's right. DDAC.

Dreams do not have deadlines, people. I loved it, man. That was a good gig. That was really fun. And one of the, because, you know, we, it was in, you know, Scottsdale Fashion Square was kind of a real hot spot. And Charles Barkley was one of the regulars. And he was so, I love him.

He was so charming and so funny and brought in all these athlete superstars, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird. I don't know who else to meet him. Ric Flair, I got to meet Ric Flair through. I fucking love Ric Flair. And I don't know who else to meet. Ric Flair, I got to meet Ric Flair through. I fucking love Ric Flair. And I don't know. It was such, it was just a really, it was a really good time because that was, you know,

not like I'm some kind of a star fucker, but it was fun to see famous people. At the time. Everyone thinks it's fun to see famous people, especially big, tall, famous people. Like basketball players are huge. They like stick out. That's so, wait, especially big, tall, famous people. Yeah. Basketball players are huge. They like stick out. That's so wait to Charles.

Oh, I guess he played for the Phoenix Suns. Yeah, he played for the Phoenix Suns. But he was like, you know, I feel like Charles Barkley, like, I don't know what I'm talking about, but he did seem to be friends with all the cool, you know, like he was friends with everybody. So he brought everybody in like late night and he would sit up at this table upstairs where i'd be you know had him in my section often and and you know just get the chicken you know you get the pork pork pot stickers but he had them deep fried i remember that and

you know he was he was funny and he like engaged and he wanted to know about you and some of that we got a lot of baseball players for spring training in there too and i like them they were and they had fucking legs which is like tree trunks oh my god there's way you know i i wasn't interested in them then because they were in top physical form and i don't have to compete but right now i'd like to see a couple of those baseball players you know see what how they've softened up a little bit and sort of just relax into life you know their post-athletic bodies you know i mean like where you can just lay on it you can sort of feel that there has been there's been a history of remnants of muscle remnants of muscle but like it's sort of it's soft but it's got a you know it's like sort of like a

like a memory foam you know like you can feel the support underneath but you got that nice layer to sort of just into. I love that. Hold on real quick. We have to take another break. And we're back. So what led you to leave Arizona? Did you go to New York from Arizona? Yeah. you to leave arizona did you go to new york from arizona yeah well i was doing summers in this uh at this resort in maine called quizasana where it's like sort of a dirty dancing kind of thing

you'd wait tables during the day and then sing at night and at that point in my life i was singing like music theater and opera because i got my degree in vocal performance if you can believe it um which is opera singing um wait you sing opera i used to i can't do that shit anymore there's something it takes a little practice and dedication um and my voice is like always like super heavy so sort of like trying to get the engine you know up and running but um but um yeah so then i a lot of those a lot of the people there were you know they were from conservatories and stuff and they were all going to new york to chase their dreams so i was like well i'll go to new york i mean i always want to be there that's where debbie harry lived and i fucking love debbie harry and let me see and then i got to new york i was like oh this is this is gonna take some work

that's how i felt i arrived in new york and i was like all right who wants to make me a star and then new york goes nobody not one person here wants to make you a star. You have to perform or you have to figure it out yourself. And where were you coming from? I came from New Jersey. It was a real quick ride. Okay. Real quick. A solid 40 minutes. And I said, right here, I'm in New York City. Yeah. But I thought I was going to be yeah but I I thought I was gonna be on Broadway I thought musical theater was the way that I was gonna be a star but I can't sing and that's a

huge part of musical theater I was just gonna ask you like what you used to sing I'll be like yeah no no no no singing very very bad I went to one audition where I sang Rockin' Robin and it was pretty bad. Oh wait, and then I had another audition where I sang, I auditioned for Juilliard because I was like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I need like more training.

So I auditioned for Juilliard and I did a monologue from Fat Pig, which is one of my favorite plays. And then Twelfth Night, crushed them. Did so good. And then you're like, and your song? And I sang There's Worst Things I Could Do from Grease. And I watched four people sitting at a table go from really excited about me to like, we can't let her in.

We have to gatekeep. She can't come here. She's very bad at the singing part. But what about just the drama part? Why couldn't you go there for drama? Because you have to be able to sing to go to juilliard you have to like be ready for like if the part calls for singing you can't say i can't do it you have to be trained in everything oh i give up oh my god i'm doing okay oh you're doing yeah you showed them arizona state will let anybody in so that's how I ended up there.

What's your favorite musical theater song to sing? Oh, my God. There are worse things I could do. It's a good song. That's a great song. Love the meaning behind it. I still, you know, that shit would make me cry. I don't know.

You know, when we were home with my mom last weekend, my brother was playing some songs from Oliver. You remember the musical Oliver? Of course I remember Oliver. Does it come from skies above? You know, that song. I remember that. And then there was like, as long as he needs me.

As long as he needs me, as long as he needs me, I know where I must be. I love that. I don't know. I like all those fucking, you know, if I'm going to do a music theater, I want to feel the sap. You know, I want to, I want to, I want to get the tears. I want to, you know, I love all that stuff. Love all that stuff. Feel the feelings. Feel the feelings. That's what I love. I love performances that make me laugh and then make me cry and then make me laugh again. Yeah. Also, your voice is so pretty.

I'm very jealous. Oh. I just wish I could just sing. I bet you can. No, I've taken singing lessons and we got to the point where my singing teacher was like, well, what is good? And I was like, we all know what's good. And this isn't helpful. She was very sweet.

But I was like, I just want to be able to sing. And right now we're just like, I think she was trying to get me to not feel embarrassed about having a bad voice. So once I got over that, we could then work with my voice. But that's a long road that I was like, I don over that we could then work with my voice yeah but that's a long road that I was like I don't know if I have enough gas to ride down that road well my friend Murray uh Murray Hill as I was talking about before like he's he's not really much of a singer but he goes for it it's like he kind of makes that his thing which I also enjoy but my friend Zach and I do this thing where um has a weirdest thing where the note middle C,

anything that's above he can match the note. I'll be like, ah, and he'll go, ah. But anything below middle C, he'll go, ah. He can't match the note. Some people just can only hear certain things, I guess, in their head. It's such a whatever. But also some people are born to touch their toes and I'm not one of those people.

You can't touch your toes? Oh, I just, maybe I'm different than I thought. I've been working out twice a week, Nicole. The sky's the limit. Well, there you go. Twice a week. That's more than I'm doing right now. I said no times a week.

I don't care right now. I'm just doing it because I have a show coming up and I was like, I got to fucking, I got to, you know, it's, I'd rather work out a bunch so I can get through an hour and a half of a show without dropping dead. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I should just... No, I think you're right. Because when I start touring again, when I land, I go to the gym first and then take a nap. And then I'm like, I think I'm ready to perform. But I do work out before performing because... Well, yeah, because I'm like, if I can make it through this hour of a workout, I can make it through an hour of stand up.

Yeah, it takes a lot of energy. It's so much energy. When I first started, nobody told me how tired I would be after two shows a night. So I was like, Oh, I have to figure out something to like, not be so fucking tired.

Well, I also think it's just, you know, the, like the, the trap, like the, the airplane,

all of that stuff just really takes it out of you there's something about like you know i just like i said i was just home for the weekend and i was you go through the airport and all that but there's something about being in that environment around all those people even though you don't really do much that just takes it out it takes out of me i don't know about about you but then you have to give warm up go on stage and give people the night of their lives it's a lot to ask someone it is and i stopped touring for a little bit because i was like working in la but also i was like something's gotta give i'm tired because the airport does take it out of me they make you run like a half marathon if you have to connect your flight oh my god like that's not kind we have to think about the fat people let's give them more time or like a car some sort of

car some sort of vehicle i don't know oh yeah well you know you land at jfk if they put you at the wrong gate it's like 3 500 steps at least to get to baggage claim and i'm like because i always pack too much so i always gotta check my shit like i'll walk to baggage claim and like ah it's okay. I'll get my steps. But as I'm doing it, I'm the only person that's just stripped down to my bra and underwear walking because I'm having a hot flash. I'm like, ugh.

Because you're just so hot. You're like heaving. And you're like. I think it's terrible, and I hate it. And I never check anything, but it's still a lot. I once. Okay, so I flew back from somewhere and then hate it and I never check anything, but it's still a lot. I once, okay. So I flew back from somewhere and then went to the LA auto show and I got

10,000 steps. And I was like, do I have to do that every day? Fly somewhere and go to an auto show. How are people just getting 10,000 steps? And I think I've talked about it on this podcast before, but I just don't understand. Where's everybody walking to that they're getting 10,000 steps.

Oh my God. When I was living with Jeff andray and i all live together filming the show and we had this big backyard i uh we got this house uh we were calling the ding dong dorm and a big backyard and so my dog can run around and every time i looked jeff would be outside just sort of uh-huh uh-huh on the phone just walking back and forth he gets like 15 000 steps a day like that's just part of the thing he does i'm like that is apps when we're filming when we're working i'm gonna throw me in the car throw me in the hair and makeup thing and then and then dump me on set get me through the next 14 hours and i'm going home i'm not gonna walk i'm not gonna walk anywhere

wild if it's like walking on the phone. Yeah. He just like sit there. First of all, that he's spending that much time connecting to other people is also something else. I don't feel comfortable. I think,

you know, too much exercise, too much connecting. I'm not here. He's too good of a person. That's, you know, like I'm just like,

I'll be laying here on the couch. I'm going to wait for you. And when you come back, I hope that you will be ready to have a cocktail. Even though I try not to drink while I'm working. But, you know, sometimes you got to treat yourself here and there, you know. I also try not to. But after like a really hard day, I'm like, I'm having wine. I'm having several glasses of wine and it's going to be fine.

What kind of wine are you like? Or what kind of wine do you like? I like Sauvignon Blanc and specifically this brand called Joel Gott. I don't know why I like it. You like Joel? I know. I mean, I know the vineyard. I mean, I hope that they send you some wine from time to time, you know, for your support of the brand. I would love it. Joelat, send me some wine. Rombauer Chardonnay. Don't think that you're getting by.

I got to let the people know how glorious you are. Rombauer Chardonnay. I do like a buttery chard. Oh, yeah. This is like buttery, oaky, creamy delight. It is like a full mouthful. Wait, what's it called? Rombauer Chardonnay ah there we go bevmo

has it in stock it's worth trying it's you know it goes anywhere from like 37 to 43 dollars depending on the retailer you know okay people go people have asked is rombauer chardonnay buttery and they say it certainly is creamy, rounded, and rich. Oh, my God. It's like I read those scriptures myself. You really did. I have another question. Okay.

So you watched a lot of HGTV during the pandemic. Yeah. What is your favorite show on HGTV? I was really into Home. Is that what it's called? Home. Witharon and um you know they moved to their hometown hometown oh geez god i don't even i can't i watched a lot i like home i don't know what the fuck it's called i'm like that zoned out because i like

sort of go between that and diners drive-ins and and dives, which I'm like, I don't know where that came from, but I really came to appreciate, appreciate him during the pandemic. You know, he's like, you think about it, he's like going around all these different small towns and putting a, shining a light on their small businesses. That's a,

that's a good thing. Um, and, but yeah, hometown. I, is it Ben and Aaron? Am I like making that up but i think it's ben and aaron but there's you know they're back there what laurel laurel um is that where they are i've

watched literally no less than 100 episodes of that show and i'm still yeah they look so ben and aaron moved to a Erin's hometown of Laurel, Mississippi. Yeah. Okay, so I basically had it there. You got it. And yeah, they go home and they sort of flip these houses. And I'm like, they buy houses for like $27,000. People put in $100,000.

And then, you know, I'm like, I want to do that. But I also don't really want to live in Mississippi because it's too hot. Too hot. There's some other problems. Just a couple other, you know, problems that I'm not here for. I watch a lot of HGTV and then I think I can do things. I painted a door in my house, but I ran out of paint and also didn't use the correct brush. So, like, you can see all of the

strokes that I did and it looks bad and then I like painted a little bit of the wall it is mine but boy is it bad so then I was like I gotta call someone to come actually fix this it's not good but that's what HGTV does to me it makes me feel empowered and bold and then like i can do things oh yeah i can't do things i saw they had another one like where all these designers they they each get a house next to each other and they rock the block and i'm like i can do that so i you know i was i started fucking buying stuff for my apartment. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to... But I have no... I never really read the size.

I just sort of look at it. There's all kinds of problems. I was just out of my terrace. I'm like, none of this furniture makes sense. But I looked at it online. I'm like, okay, this is going to be great out there. But I didn't measure it. I didn't think about it.

I put up wallpaper and I did not measure the room. Some of the man was doing the wallpaper. He was like, do you have any more rolls? And I was like, what are you talking about? He was like, oh, I need more rolls. And I was like, oh, well, no. Then he was like, well, I guess I have to come back to finish. And I was like, but can't you just, he was like, what don't you get?

You didn't buy, like, there's not enough wallpaper here. enough wallpaper here I'm like okay my bad I don't measure anything either I just buy things and then they don't fit and then I'm like oh no no I had a my friend has this wallpaper line his name is Nathan Turney it's on wall shop and it's like you get this removable wallpaper because I'm at a rental anyway I I got up in my living room. I have to tell you, I was like, there's no fucking way I'm going to try that myself. So we did get somebody in here to put it up professionally. But it is such a, I love having wallpaper. I love looking at this wall every day. I go in that room.

It cheers me up. It calms me down at night. It's like both a cheering and a calming element. So I don't know. I'm all about the wallpaper. I'm back at wallpaper. I love it. I love wallpaper. And then I think it was like the early 2000s. Everyone was like, ew, wallpaper. No. Because like the 80s and 90s, huge wallpaper people. But I'm like, I like it. I like having a design on my wall. It's fun. It's graphic.

It truly makes me happy. The wallpaper in my room also at night calms me down. I love wallpaper. I'll love it forever. Sorry, now I'm just like thinking about HGTV and all those things. And I guess probably a lot of people, I mean, those people, like some of those people have like seven shows on TV. It's like hometown. H hometown goes to the other hometown.

Hometown is now the business district in that hometown. Yeah, you're right. There's so many spinoffs. It's like hometown woodshop, hometown, hometown fire, hometown PD. Just like all the Chicago shows, those Dick Wolf Chicago shows. There is a show that I'm currently obsessed with. So I love House Hunter Renovations, but they stopped making that in, I think, 2021. But that's fun because you get to watch people make bad choices.

I love that. One episode, season seven, episode two, where they put red subway tile in the kitchen with red grout. And then the whole house was red and white and when they said ding dong to see the house this man was wearing a fedora and he was like welcome and i was like oh no oh i gotta look that up all of the ugliest choices you could have made were made in that house and they're in burbank california so i was like maybe i'll go visit them um and then this other show i love is called Restored.

And it's hosted by this man named Brett Waterman. I think that's his name. He's like big, tall. He wears a cowboy hat. And he's just, he's really fun. He talks like this and he's so excited about houses. Anyway, Bridget, I've talked a lot about HGTV. We're going to wrap it up, but I truly could talk to you forever.

Honestly, next time you're in LA, hit me up and I will play your wing woman. Cause I think that would be fun. We'll see what we find. But Bridget, do you have anything that you want? Oh wait, I ask all my guests this. I almost forgot. Would you date me? Who else am I going to date?

You're the one for me. Perfect answer. I've never, I've never, you know, never had this much fun talking to somebody on a first date. So I feel like, you know, we'll just, we can retire at night to our own separate bedrooms, look at our wallpaper, pull up our search words and, you know, we'll all see you in the morning. First thing. Honestly, that does sound really nice.

What would you like to promote? Well, season two of my show, season one or two, somebody somewhere and then keep your eyes peeled because my band and I are going to be dropping an album

sometime soon, Bridget Everton Tenor Moments. That's exciting. It's a lot of feel good songs. And are you touring at all or doing any live shows? I'm just,

I just pop here and there in New York. So if you're in New York, keep your eyes peeled. But other than that, just watch New York so if you're in New York keep your eyes peeled but other than that just watch the show and if you got anybody with a post-athletic build

and a substantial working member substantial working member big tits, money notes and somebody with a steady job. Give me a call. I, guys, do it.

People, do it. Get in Bridget's DMs and find her someone. Yes. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it,

you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars on iTunes or Apple Podcasts or wherever. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it you can send that to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars my producer reads it don't say anything nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty or show your dick actually you could say nasty things i don't really care um but just remember i'm going

to read it on the podcast this person said if we were at a bar together i'd get the dj to play throwback hip-hop just so you could throw it back. Once we have the attention of the entire bar and your fat ass, I'll shake my ass underneath yours and create a dual jello effect until we have our pick of men. After we single out four of the cutest guys, we'll head back to the hotel room with them and have the greatest sex sum of our lives. Complete with you teaching me how to slam my ass into their dicks in doggy style we have a winner we have a winner that one's funny thank you oh bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick.

It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha.

Dream! This has been a Team Coco production.