Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Hot Singles In Your Area (w/ Chelsea Peretti)

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

Comedian and actress Chelsea Peretti (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Sing 2) chats with Nicole about the best places you can go to meet singles, strong pick-up lines, and how she met husband Jordan Peele through a DM.  Check out our best episodes of 2021!  Listen at teamcoco.com/dateme2021 Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could cut up all my shoes and say, listen, it's fringe, it's in style.

My guest today is a stand-up comedian and actress who played Gina on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Ooh, you can hear her voice on Big Mouth and the new animated movie Sing To. It's Chelsea Peretti! Dee-dee-doo-boo-boo-boo. Hey! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Hi! Thanks for doing this. I very much appreciate it. Um, thanks for having me. I hope you include the seven minutes of me struggling with my microphone. I think it's great. Maybe we'll put it at the end. It'll be like a bonus. If you make it to the end, you can watch or no, not watch. You can just listen to the struggle. Yeah. Just if you ever feel like low, you can see that someone else is struggling way, way more with just a basic thing.

Listen, it's not basic. Recording a podcast is a very intricate, hard thing to do. Yes. I threw in the towel years ago, but it's really boomed. It's a big boom and it's really doing well for people. So. Oh, yeah, baby. Big business. That's right. I love yours, by the way. All the clips that you put. I actually don't really listen to podcasts, but every clip that you've posted with you and Shashir, your clips on there, your dynamic is so funny.

Have you known each other a long time or just through comedy? We've known each other, I say for like over a decade, but she says it's just a decade. But I think she's just like forgetting time. I'm bad at time myself. I'm also bad at it does feel like I've known her for truly like my whole life. I can't imagine not knowing her. That's a good friendship. Truly, like my whole life. I can't imagine not knowing her. That's a good friendship.

Do you have a best friend like that? You know, I guess so. My friend Sarai. That's the worst intro, though, if she were to hear it. But my friend. I guess this person. Well, the problem is she lives in the Bay. So it's like we went to junior high together. And we talk a lot. And she visits L.A. a lot and stuff. But, you know, I don't know. Are you guys in the Bay. So it's like we went to junior high together. And we talk a lot and she visits L.A. a lot and stuff.

But, you know, I don't know. Are you guys in the same city? Now we are. We spent, I think, four or five years being long distance friends. Yeah, that's harder. It was so hard. But we spoke almost every day. Wow.

Yeah, that's intense. Yes, I'm a needy person who's maybe codependent. But so am I. I love friends like that. Like my dream friend is someone who's down to hang out every day because I'll get a coffee every day with someone if they if we click. But a lot of L.A. people are like, I need a week to reset and... I need to charge my crystals, go on a hike, and maybe I can see you in two to three months. Yeah. Now I feel that.

And they'll, like, take a call from their agent when you're on a hike, that kind of thing. That is funny that that's happened before, where I'm like, oh, you couldn't let that go to voicemail? You couldn't call your agent in one hour? Like, I get it. Like if there was something you're on the precipice of, I don't know, but I just feel like certain people will always take a call from their agent like it's urgent. And it's never urgent. So he's like, do you want to do this general? And I'm like, no. Yeah. Sure don't. I've sort of turned a corner on generals, I have to say. Sad as it sounds.

You like generals now? Yeah, because I'm like, oh, this is just like having a yenta or something for your career. They're just saying, hey, you two might click. What if you go in a room together, you know? What's a yenta? Is that a Jewish thing? I think a yenta is a matchmaker. Oh, maybe I got to find a yenta for love. Well, you know, have you seen, whatchamacallit, that lady, millionaire matchmaker? I've never seen it, but I know of her. Patti Stanger? Yes, I would love you and Patti Stanger to connect. I think that could be really electric. Mars, get on the horn. Get Patti Stanger on the pod. Oh, my gosh. Of course she should be on your podcast. Maybe she can help me find love. Of course she could. Huh. That's actually right.

I mean, I'm actually like this is brilliant producing on my part. I mean, thank you for being a producer. Patti Stanger on a podcast about trying to find love. Are you kidding? Yeah. She would tell me all the tips and tricks and shit. And you both have a reality background, so you can click on that. Mm-hmm. And I don't... I go back and forth on Stanger because there's times... There's times where I really do feel she is gifted,

and then there's other times where I'm like, this is just all smoke and mirrors. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's two hard opinions. And that's how I do with almost everything. Yeah. I love it.

Same. I either love something one day and then I hate it the next. Yeah. And there's no in between. Sorry about it. Yeah, it's hard to modulate. Chelsea, I have a question. Yes.

Where did you grow up? I grew up in the Bay Area in Oakland, California. My dad lived in El Cerrito, actually, and my mom lived in Rockridge in Oakland. Near the Auto Square? Is that in El Cerrito? I think so. I think those are the commercials here. El Cerrito Auto Square.

That does sound vaguely familiar. He was by the El Cerrito Plaza, which had a Chevy's. Oh, a Chevy's, not a Chevy dealership. No, no. Chevy's was like a 90s. I feel like I associate it with like a 90s like event. Is it Mexican food? Yeah. I feel like there was one. Oh, no. A little cough. Are you well? What's happening? It's the last thing you really want these days.

No, I've had a cold for 15 days. No. This is like the best I've been. I'm like flying. And I had multiple PCR COVID tests. Negative. But then I also last night ran to a Vons and got a booster shot okay so I was like wait why haven't I gotten a booster shot anyway regardless I feel a bit like

kooky from it the second shot I got I was a little kooky yeah just like sleepy I canceled a bunch of things that I had to do and I was like I have to sleep forever and then I know it was nice I was like there's no way I can push this podcast again because I just have this rule like if you push something three times just no one should ever do it at that point you know what I mean and I really think you're so funny and I I just really wanted to do it but I do apologize if I seem at all out of it. You don't seem out of it. I think you seem nice, lovely, and fun to talk to. Here's a question.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions for 2022? You know, honestly, I don't really do a huge New Year's resolution thing. I never have. I'm more into like a constant revolution. Ooh. Revolution? I didn't mean to change it to revolution. Yes, a constant revolution.

I meant to say constant resolutions. I don't know. I'm just constantly trying to hate myself. Oh, no. So I'm always feeling there's something i could do better and back when i you know got sober did step work i used to think about those things i have a resolution this for this upcoming year this upcoming year is i'm gonna try to be more chill about dating and be more chill just about life in general and take some time for myself to live.

Okay. Now, can you catch me up on, first of all, what is your current attitude that you're trying to revise? Are you not chill? And are you like on Raya and stuff? I'm sure you talk about it on the podcast, but I'm, you know, I have a four-year-old and, you know, all those things I just am behind. So do you do Raya? Number one, seems like people have success with that. I was on Raya, but then I got off of Raya because I didn't see anybody who I thought would want to date me. I've heard that. Yeah. Real hot people.

Not that I don't think I'm hot, but like, you know, but I've heard that. I've heard that. Yeah. Real hot people. Not that I don't think I'm hot, but like, you know. But I've heard that. I've heard that from a couple of friends who are on there just like. Yeah. And I feel like L.A. feels that way in general. Like, I feel like New York. Don't you think it feels more promising for dating than L.A.? Yes. Because I think everyone here is so superficial and everyone wants like arm candy to show that they're powerful like they everyone

wants like a blonde 20 year old I feel like yeah and that's not me I've been blonde before but I haven't been 20 in about 15 years yeah so it's it feels like a lot of pressure um and I just also feel like it's like an accessory who you're dating yes and i'm not trying to have an accessory i'm trying to have a partner yes that's what i want i want a partner and i i don't want to be someone's accessory i don't think i could be someone's accessory i'm too loud i don't know though you actually could because you're hot you're a stripper you're hot, you're a stripper, you're... I thank you. You're hot, you're a stripper, you're famous. I feel like you're in the zone,

but I just feel like the whole vibe of it all is like... I felt like in New York, you're like, who knows who I'll meet? And then in LA, it's like, I'll meet someone in entertainment. I'll meet someone in entertainment. I'll meet someone that I made plans to meet, met on an app or something yeah in new york you just like i would just waste time in like barnes and noble and end up talking to somebody and be like oh

is this a friend for life no has people already suggested have people already suggested has people suggested. Has people suggested museums? Do you hang out at museums in some type of a bustier? No, but maybe I should do that. No, not a bustier. You got to go like really like museum-y, right? And you go to like LACMA has events. Supposedly LACMA has some crazy events, but I don't know if COVID killed that. Wait, I'm going to write this down.

LACMA. This was my, this is my fantasy for you as a single okay okay you can't just be meeting scum of the earth out there just you know crawling around on the streets you need to go to you need to go to like a fancy hotel bar or um a or some type of, you know, meetup event. That sounds bad. That last one sounded bad. But everything else, you know, or go to a beach in Malibu. I feel like you just kind of have to be somewhere like that a romantic comedy could happen. Okay. Maybe that is a good idea, right? Just like mysteriously at LACMA or the beach. Or maybe an aquarium. Maybe I'll find someone who likes to

look at dolphins like I do. Oh, yeah. That's sad. I feel so sad that all those sea creatures can communicate. But they're so smart. We put them in tanks to be like, look at them. Yeah, no, I mean, and even just the zoo, like, you know, children love it and stuff. And I guess they're helping animals, but just to see them like a tiger and it's in like a 30 foot area,

you're just like this thing could be run that in one leap anyway it's just hurtful it sucks i went to hawaii two years ago three years ago who knows what time is anymore yeah and i got on this big boat it was the happiest i've ever been in my whole life i cried because i loved it so much and there was a bunch of dolphins and the captain was like make noises and everyone was just like kind of shy about it. That's exactly what I did. And then they started talking back and then other people started making noises, too. And I was like, these are my dolphins, OK? I'm making the noise.

These are my friends. It's my turn with the dolphin. I'm talking to the dolphin. We were having a conversation. I one time was in Malibu during the pandemic and there was this sunset that looked like a trapper keeper, you know? Like, just so psychedelically beautiful. And then these dolphins started jumping along. Oh, no! Oh, I love it!

Where the sun was setting and making that line on the water of the sun. And the dolphins were, like, arching over the line and jumping. And I was like, and my husband and kid were in the car. And like, I was like, you guys missed it. I was just like completely like sweaty hair. Just like, but I agree. Dolphins, seeing dolphins jump out of water. You're just like, where are you going?

What is it? Yeah, take me with you. Yeah, I want to know more about your social circle. seeing dolphins jump out of water you're just like where are you going what what is yeah take me with you yeah i want to know more about your social circle it's just so unknowable they're kind of like mermaids if i could become anything i think in my next life i'd like to be a dolphin well i hope that climate change doesn't you you know, create lots of tsunamis and, you know, the shipping backup and stuff doesn't get you. Chelsea, way to really put a damper on my dreams. I just want to be a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, a cute little dolphin who jumps in a little heart with my friend. Yeah, that's pretty cute. I don't know what I would be in the next lifetime i think a cockroach something more likely to survive i don't like cockroaches oh please who does they scare me well some people do i did a show where there was a man who was a he was an animal wrangler and he was a cockroach wrangler and he showed us tricks with this cockroach and it was really upsetting oh god yeah this is like the spitting hissing ones i don't know but what he did was he would smear

banana on the table and then the cockroach would eat the banana and that's how you get them to move forward and let me tell you with the child that's all they do is smear bananas around places it's like no wonder i feel like our house is just always infested by something yeah kids are a little dirty and there's really nothing you could do about it. I've been trying to be like, we're all helping each other. That's what families do. I'm like, do you see what your foot is on? Look down, look down, look down.

See what your foot is on? Can you pick that up? Kids are fun. Yeah. I was a nanny for a super long time. I know. I love that. They're fun. it's fascinating to me i love a kid you kind of just play with them megan stalter was too did you know that no i didn't know that but that makes sense to me because she's silly she's so good with kids too i mean she has like i think it's her her nephew that so cute, and she seems so sweet with him. And I feel like a lot of comedians must have been nannies.

I mean, I feel like to be a comedian, you either have some real darkness about you, or you're just a silly billy. Wait, so you don't have darkness? Because obviously I do. Oh, I do have darkness. Thank God. Yeah.

I have one joke where I talk about my parents being dead. And I just say I'm a dead ass parents. And okay, people go, Oh, and then they kind of check. I know. I hate when they feel bad. You're just like, Oh, come on, skip, let's skip this and just go back to what I was trying to get to. Yeah, I always want to tell people, it just takes too much time to explain. And it's like, if I was really sad about this and wanted you to feel bad about about it i would just go to therapy and have my therapist feel bad about it right you guys i want to teehee and chuckle yeah i'm trying to give you catharsis if you also have a similar experience you know it's like let's just call it what it is how did you get a stand-up tell me please no I was temping and I was temping in Tempe Arizona no I was temping in New York and I met a stand-up there I actually am trying to remember her name I think it was Priya

and she was like I do stand-. Come with me to an open mic. And so I went to the Parkside Lounge. I don't know if you ever did any shows there. Lots of improv. And they had like a curtain that's just like glitter fringe. Yeah. And it was like, this guy's Joey Gay and Damien Sammarco. And they had a show.

And I had written some jokes. Like literally all I remember is that one was about crop dusting people at office jobs and I bombed and then like they were making fun of me or something. And then I had some crazy comeback off stage, you know, and then it was like my place has been cemented. That's how I felt. I have proven that I belong even if not on stage but um yeah and so then I started doing because I was like a theater kid and I was um it was always just funny and then I just felt like I wasn't going to get cast in anything and stand-up was a great way to have my own voice and not have as many middlemen and all that kind of stuff.

Didn't you have a show at UCB called Variety Shack? Am I making that up? Yeah. And the knitting factory. We had it at the knitting factory in Galapagos. We moved a few times, I guess. Galapagos? Yeah. You don't know that venue in Williamsburg? No, I've never heard of it one time. I've only heard of the island. Am I wrong? I don't even know.

I think I'm right, though. I think there was a place called Galapagos, and we had a show there in Williamsburg. I'll believe you. All right. All right. I believe we did. And that was a monthly show with Heather Lawless and Andrea Rosen and Shanali Bomek. And she would play music, and we'd make a short film every month and then doali Bomek. And she would play music and we'd make

a short film every month and then do our stand up. And it was great. I like it that you like, I don't know, took it upon yourself to make a space where you're like, oh, yeah, me and my friends get to do shit now. Well, you know, we just never were on the same shows. I mean, I don't know how things are exactly now. I think they're kind of the same, even though they're sort of different. But it was always like one female comic on every lineup. So I could never do shows with my friends, which is part of the fun of stand up for guys. You know, you hang out with your friends all night and you do shows. And and so we we wanted to perform with each other. So we created our own show. I feel like all venues are a little bit better with having more women on the lineup. But definitely clubs are still like only one belongs.

Yeah. Just one. Yeah. So I don't know. But. But yeah, so I loved that show. And then when I moved to L.A., I moved here to write for Sarah Silverman's show. And then I that's when I it kind of ended. And then you got Brooklyn Nine-Nine. That's right. That's right. And then now here you are wearing a green shirt in a green room on my podcast. What a journey. What a journey. Okay, Chelsea, I have a question. Do you have any single friends who are moderately successful, who are secure with who they are and emotionally available? This is a big thing that I'm learning that I got to ask. Do you normally go for emotionally unavailable guys? Sure do.

Withholding men who are just like... Dealing with a divorce yeah dealing with their own bullshit and then they're like oh i couldn't be anything but a friend to you or i couldn't do anything but fuck you yeah so yeah looking for open emotions okay well um have you seen british love island i sure haven't you you got to watch that show okay you're like the fourth person who's told me i would like love island oh my gosh it is so good and also what's more it's so bingeable because it's that drinka iced coffee with six shots of espresso. That is astounding. Because I love coffee.

I've never seen a coffee that large and that black. Oh, yeah. There's nothing in it but coffee and more coffee. That is fucking... That's inspiring. So Love Island is just... I feel like it's really good because it's all about banter. Like, I feel like more than American dating shows. It's about how witty and bantery you are, even if some people are kind of dumb.

And they're all kind of hot. And it's like all the dating ups and downs and trying to figure out if you're worth committing to someone. Of course, they're also like all trying to be celebrities and stuff. But do I have a single friend? This is my round about way of getting to your actual question. The truth is, I don't feel like I do anymore. Oh, boy. Okay. I feel bad because your face was so hopeful. But the thing is, I feel like I was thinking the other day, I'm like, do I know anyone who's like 20? I don't even think I know anyone who's 20 anymore. I also don't think I know anyone who's 20.

Like, I think of young comedians and they're like 35, you know, or whatever. I don't know. But I'm trying to think, like, have you dated comedians? I have not dated... I've dated improvisers, but not like stand-ups. Okay, now, are you of the improv world originally? Originally, yes. My origin story is UCB New York.

I found it, and it's funny you found it i founded it and one of the founders and one of the ucb four i brought it from chicago that's a great lie for no reason you're like me amy besser those are my best friends uh no i found it i just google what do actors do when they're not acting and the first thing that popped up was improv so then I googled improv and then UCB popped up that's a hilarious google search no the answer is actually they wear beanies they wear beanies and they're sad and they go on hikes and they wait for their agent to call yeah oh so then you'd see i was about to start taking classes at ucb and then i got that writing job and i left but i was kind of like i had done improv when i was younger anyhow whatever the

point being single guys i mean you know i do feel like for me someone funny is crucial do you yes somebody who i've been on dates where people have tried to like one-up me where i say something funny then they're like well this and i'm like well okay that was funny too but yeah yeah but i do i would like someone with a just you know a little sense of humor who can teeheehee at things right have you tried the bay area I feel like the Bay Area has very cool guys. Like, funny, cute. But then, if I try to date someone in the Bay Area, then I'll have to try to convince them to move here because I'm not moving to the Bay Area.

Right. But, I mean, assuming, like, maybe they would. Wow. Also, it's close. I feel like when you're successful long distance could be good i guess because then i could just you know as i'm flying from gig to gig i could just make stops in the bay area and be like hey honey you want to kiss me and i'll be like okay and i say bye bye i get on a plane now that is such a beautiful romantic picture that you just painted so okay so i think a bay

area guy you know i always thought it was interesting remember when chelsea handler dated a hotelier no you don't what she used to date like a hotelier like a very very rich hotel man yes like i feel like something like that could be cute. I don't know. It's always like, what's the job? Like, I feel like like if you look at like, doesn't Matt Damon like didn't he marry a school teacher? Like, it's kind of cuts both ways. Do you go for someone who's like an academic or? I think Matt Damon married a server at a restaurant that he was at. I thought it was a school teacher. demon married a server at a restaurant that he was at i could be a liar about that but i think that's what it is dog is just absolutely oh what a cute dog hello oh this dog can't hear me you're wearing headphones my god this dog is so cute what is this dog's name i don't publicize his name okay i'll tell you why later okay no i get it everything you every path you go down i'm like turn it to a dark dark no it's fine because uh my dog's name is on my wikipedia page and i'm like why yeah why did

somebody add that that's what is it's not deeply personal, but his name's Clyde. But I was like, why is it here? Why do you care? Who takes the time and energy to do that? And do you think our dogs would get along? Is your dog chill? My dog is... That would be a no. So he's chill in a way where at first he goes, let's play.

I love this. And then after he plays for a little bit he goes okay now we sit down and we just sit we stare at each other although that's cute he did pee on my friend gilly's dog's tail the other day and i was like you are so rude where was this this was at a park we were watching a sunset that's fine a park i feel like anything goes okay i also was holding his leash and then he saw another dog and got really excited and like sprinted over and i was holding the leash and then i looked at my hand i was like i don't have his leash i was like where's my dog i was like oh no and then i had to run after him and i was like i'm so sorry but then all he did was run up pretty

aggressively and then sniff the other dog's dick and then was like be my friend and i was like i'm so sorry that my dog immediately went there that's so rude but apparently that's what dogs do i don't know we'll see now this is another good place a good arena is a dog park maybe i'll do that yeah going to dog parks you never seen this people do this and my friend once hooked up with a girl at a dog park and i was like how dare you because he was like really germ phobic and then he hooked up with some random girl at a dog park i'm like you wouldn't sip off my drink but you like anyhow um dog parks girls do like dress cute go to the dog park you sit on your phone and you just take it all in okay maybe i'll do that yeah dog park lachma has a cafe outside uh-huh also i truly can't remember what it's called but they used to have like a monthly party that was supposed to be truly like wild

lachma i love do you work for lACMA? Do you work for Big LACMA? They give me a $2 every time you say LACMA. One time in New York, I was like getting, I was like, I'm trying to get on the subway. And then they had, you know, they, this line's now shutting down and you have to get on something else. And then there was a lady outside of the train and we're like, um, so if we want to go and she's just like handing out pieces of paper or something, they're just, they're probably just blank pieces.

And she's like, shuttle bus, shuttle bus, shuttle bus. And no matter what you just like, Oh, I'm wondering actually shuttle bus, shuttle bus.

And I'm like, this, this LACMA is my shuttle bus. Yes. LACMA. LACMA. All roads lead to LACMA. You're like,

I'm feeling like I need this and that. I'm like, LACMA. Party at LACMA. You're like, I'm feeling like I need this and that. I'm like, LACMA. Party at LACMA. There's also the Broad. Oh, I've been to the Broad. They got that big table that you stand under. Yeah, that's a good spot.

Sit there looking cool, looking confused under the table. It's like, why can't I sit in the chair? Why is it so big? And that's when you meet your hero. He explains it to you. And he'll be like, I'll explain. This is called art. And I'm like, oh my God, you're so hot.

Also, Mocha is like across the street and has a little cafe. Wait, what's Mocha? Isn't that the Museum of Contemporary Art? I guess I've never said it aloud or heard someone say it aloud. It's a delicious coffee beverage. Although always kind of too much of an aftertaste for my blood. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I prefer like a vanilla latte, vanilla cappuccino.

I do like their sugar-free vanilla in my giant coffee right now. And it makes me happy. Oh, that's comforting, comforting actually because that looked really strong um so then the beach i also just feel like imagine you're just at broad street oyster in malibu oh okay do i gotta eat the oysters you don't like oysters no they taste too much like bad you know what that means you're not sensual oh no this is the worst thing to find out on this tuesday at 2 48 p.m that i'm not sensual yeah no they're also supposed to be an aphrodisiac but whatever it doesn't matter you don't need oysters they have lobsters and honestly the crab claws are insane i don't eat crab matter. You don't need oysters. They have lobsters. And honestly, the crab claws are insane.

I don't eat crab claws because I don't know how to crack them. And I refuse to be embarrassed. Oh, great. Okay, what's this place? I'm going to write this down, too. Broad Street Oyster. And you could go with a girlfriend or whoever, a friend. You get some of these Broad Street Oyster to-go items.

You take it to the beach. Maybe you have a... I don't know what the open, can you drink on the beach? I don't know. I think covertly, but I don't think overtly. Okay, well, I don't drink anyway, so obviously I'm not well-versed. So then you sit there on your little blanket

and you have your thing. And if you have your dog, everyone's going to come talk to you. That's another thing. Palm Springs, unfortunately, lots of gays there. I don't know why. A lot of gays. have your dog everyone's gonna come talk to you that's another thing palm springs unfortunately lots of gays there i don't know a lot of gays but i did bring my dog there and had the time of my life once oh and i just feel like when you have a dog everyone talks to you you are right and my dog's tail right now is purple and people love to go wow look at that purple tail and i'm like i

know i'm so cute yeah they look up and you're just staring deeply into purple tail and i'm like i know it's so cute yeah they look up and you're just staring deeply into their eyes and i'm like i think i love you but i love that you're telling me to take dead ocean animals to the ocean to eat them in front of their friends well listen i know you're thinking from the like the dolphins pov you You're like, I'm getting into your food supply of my dearest friends. I don't know. But I just think for me, the truth is I say all this. And how did I meet Jordan? He DM'd me.

Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. All these plans and all. I just gotta wait for someone to DM me. I'm like, you need to take a ballroom dance class. And meanwhile, I'm like, my husband DM'd me. But you know what? Also keep your DMs open.

My DMs are open. And I gotta say, much like Palm Springs, it's a lot of gays. Now, do they have a friend? oh well all of my gay friends that I'm friends with and not through the DMs they don't have any single people for me it's hard it's really hard

well where have you met the last like five people? the last five people I have met on Hinge, Tinder yeah and that's it now what is hinge because hinge has like almost ominous sound to it yeah get on him there's something like it sounds like the name of a horror movie uh real guess it is all the apps are small little horror movies that you're the star of um this one is just i feel like it started off with like it was people you had in comment on facebook maybe but now it's just like a dating app where

there's prompts and it's like what do you want to be when you grew up and I'm like a bus driver and then people message me and be like why a bus driver and I'm like I don't know I was a child and that's what I wanted yeah and the heart wants what the heart wants you might relate to that and then that's your opening but I also can't really answer my real answer because it sounds stupid I wanted to be a bus driver because I like cars and buses are just big cars I mean listen kids love buses they're very excited by them does your kid love buses well he used to when he was especially when he was little like he just wanted to ride on the bus and i was like okay i was like

like honestly from my childhood riding on the bus was like when everyone just like made fun of you i like get like my palms start sweating just to try to like put money in the thing and like anyway but he was just delighted when i when i lived in new york i loved taking the bus because i was like it's like a cab that you share with everybody that's a hard hard sell for me at the moment um yeah yeah it was a hard sell for everybody people like no the train is just faster and i'm like like, but you're above ground. You get to see what stores you like closed. You know what I did start doing is riding the bus after 9-11. Because I, you're like, why are you talking about 9-11? No, I said, because I'm very delighted to hear what the end of this is. Well, there is no real end except that I became very scared to get on the subway all of a sudden. And then I was like taking the bus and I did enjoy it. I also,

when I lived in New York, I did like to walk like 50 blocks if I could. Anyhow, also, what about New York? How often are you there? Can you find someone there? I used to go back and forth way more than I do now because now I just work here. Yeah. When I did Girl Code years and years and years ago, I would go back and forth, which made no sense because it was in front of a green screen. Times have changed. That's what they did. They said, we'll pay you pennies and skittles,

but we will pay for you to get on a plane and put you up at a hotel. And, you know, I didn't ask questions because I missed New York. Please, I think about that questions because I missed New York. Please, I think about that with like VH1, Best Week Ever, all these like Viacom shows where like, Viacom can't pay you. Here's the deal. Viacom's kind of hard up for cash right now. I'm like, oh, Viacom is?

Okay, well, whatever Viacom needs, I'll do it for free. They would be like, exposure, exposure. And you're like, all right. And do it for free they would be like exposure exposure and you're like all right and I feel like now people would be like Viacom didn't pay me a rent but back then you're like okay uh-huh I'll do it and people now are like oh I'm watching girl code on uh Paramount plus and I'm like don't I don't get any residues yeah leave it alone let nobody watch it so the whole the whole exposure thing I don't know if people are still

doing that but it seems like maybe people get paid now anyhow I don't know what I'm talking about but oh I think well also don't let's think about who people date mm-hmm Joe Coy is taken yep snatched right up and honestly i look at all their pictures together

and i'm like wow they seem happy i know and healthy and what a dream it's pretty cute i have to say i do think like a comedian is there's a reason they're appealing they're funny they get your life blah blah blah but um actresses date like their agents and stuff that seems stressful i feel like lady gaga dated her agent for a while maybe britney spears also dated her agent for a little bit her manager her manager was it i don't know i just started watching one of those things about her and then i was like i don't know what am i doing it was like i felt like i was just still on Instagram. I got off Instagram. I'm like, let me watch something. I'm like, Britney documentary. I love Instagram. You're good at Instagram. Oh, my God, though. I really am just like, what am I doing?

It's like, it's funny. makes me it's too much but it is like very addictive the visual aspect you know twitter is just so much more work twitter's sad yeah it's uh yeah i don't know what's next something um i i guess tiktok is next i can't do tiktok i t. TikTok feels just like Vine. Yeah, and I do miss Vine. They're just longer Vines. I missed following like funniest Vine accounts because we would sit there and just review them at night like it was our job. And we're like, okay, seen that one, seen that one. Distribute them. That was good.

Yeah. Stamp it. I'll repost that one. Send it. But yeah, I don't know. For some reason, TikTok's like ominous Vine. Like Vine felt innocent and TikTok feels like, I don't know. I don't know.

But yeah, I don't know. You know, people are working out with oculuses. What's an oculus? It's like a VR way to work out. So I think maybe I'll try that. I don't know. I've really fallen off on Peloton and I'm looking for something new to work out. So I think maybe I'll try that. I don't know. I've really fallen off on Peloton and I'm looking for something new to get into. What am I talking about? What am I talking about?

We're just talking about things. It's fun. We're just bouncing around. It's just hard because does anyone go, yes, I have someone for you? This is, I just feel like I've never had someone for anyone. Yes. Sometimes people go, ooh, this person, and then they never follow up, which is fine. Because I'm not going to follow up and get my feelings hurt where they're like, oh, I mentioned you, but they're not into you. That would make me so sad. I mean, I just feel like maybe it's an improviser. Wait, tell me about your show. What show?

Anyone in that? Well, it's like, also, it's an HR violation to even talk about dating in that context. But how is, I'm excited to see it. Thank you. It's called Grand Crew. I don't know when this comes out in, we're recording this in November,

but this comes out in January, so I think it might be out already oh right and we already know whether it's soared to the high heavens or i mean i'm praying that it soars to the high heavens it seems like it will oh all of the crew from brooklyn or not all of the crew but like Rick Page was our DP yes my favorite little cameraman and now DP I love him so much he's the isn't he the best oh he answered every single question I've ever had and never made me feel stupid about it yeah at one point he was like changing the lights and I was like Rick wait do you know about lights and he was like he laughed real hard and was like

is that a real question I was like oh um yeah it hard and was like, is that a real question? I was like, oh, yeah, it was. He was like, Nicole, that's half my job. And I was like, oh, no. My first day at Brooklyn, I was standing in front of someone else's camera for their coverage. You know, it's like two cameras. And I'm like, just looking at the one that's supposed to cover me. And I had my back in front of the other person's camera. And they were just like, Chelsea, can you take a step to your left

it's like oh sorry it's like crazy how it's just such a big learning curve and then there's no like hey I know you've never done this before but here's all the ins and outs of it you're just kind of on your feet pretending like yeah pretending you know exactly what's going on and right i've learned to ask about coverage to be like am i in this or no right and so you can get on your phone get on my phone take a nap swipe right on some people oh but to answer your question the single boys on the show are we're already like friends yeah friends before the show so it would feel like echo kellum is a dear friend of mine and he plays my brother on the show and i'm like we have that like rapport like it feels very

brother sistery so we could never carl tart also very good friend i could never. Carl Tartt, also a very good friend. I could never. Everyone's like, Carl Tartt, Carl Tartt. You gotta see this Carl Tartt. I'm like, let's debut the show. I'm ready. He's great. It's really, I'm really proud of it. It's funny because I feel like you'll do stuff and you're like, I don't know.

Hopefully people will like it. But this one I'm like, no, no. I really hope people like it because I had so much fun making it. Yeah. And everyone involved was so nice. It seems like it has that aura about it that it's going to click. We'll know.

Is that how you felt? Like I said, we'll know by the time this airs. We will know. There will be no question. What if you're embroiled in a huge scandal by the time this airs? Oh, no, I hope not. I wonder what kind of scandal I could be in i know wait did you feel the same way after you wrapped the first season of brooklyn were you like i hope people like this oh my god we were like this could change our lives forever like i just remember like we

were all in new york i guess it was the upfronts or something and we were like this is crazy this is gonna change our lives forever and then it was just suchs or something. And we were like, this is crazy. This is going to change our lives forever. And then it was just such a, it did change our lives forever, but it was just like so much slower than you envision it from the outside. You know, like suddenly you just see people on red carpets. You're like, whoa, meteoric. But like from the inside, you're like, I'm not going to be able to walk down the street. This will be you know on every magazine cover and then it's just like everything's so saturated now there's so

many different shows and so many different like outlets and by that i mean only netflix but um no but uh so it's like and also like massive crazy runaway shows is like i don't know if it's like a thing of the past or what i don't know it feels like every couple of years there'll be a show where like everyone talks about it like i feel like it's good game people really talked about squid game squid game they stopped talking about it right well i just think like remember when girls was like girls everyone's like girls girls and then it's like i just feel like it's been a while. I guess Tiger King people were. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. That feels different. But I feel like now it's gotten. But I also just can't now I can't sort out what is like almost two years of a pandemic and what is reality because I'm like,, oh yeah, there's like, oh my goodness, sorry.

Should have had that on do not disturb. That's another rookie move. It's okay. Add it to my tab. Someone's trying to get in contact with you. Is it your child texting you? Be like, where are you, mom? It was my husband.

The dog already came in. My child yelled for me. All right. I'm just trying to convey I'm in high demand. And that's nice. That's what I want. In a's nice. That's what I want. In a domestic sense. That's what I want.

In my home, I want people to be like, Nicole, we need you. And I'm like, I'm needed. Yeah. You want like the chaos and the laughter and the tears and the boo-boos. And yeah, it is pretty cool. It's pretty magical. I have a question about having a child does your pussy hurt what if that was your question that was my question that would be so rude

four years later does your pussy still hurt no does your kid have friends and do you have to facilitate the friendships does your kid have friends? And do you have to facilitate the friendships? Because your kid can't drive anywhere. He actually can drive. He just got his learner's permit. No, he's four. He does have friends. But, you know, they do this thing called parallel play for a long time.

Oh, what's that? Parallel play is like they're too young to exactly have like true friendships. But they like to be in proximity to each other. And one's playing in the sandbox and one is like pulling up grass and that's a play date and then as they get older they start to like have a bit more of an actual eye contact or they talk about each other and want to hang out and it's like gets more like real friendships oh Oh, wow. But of course, the pandemic was like totally stilted that development in, you know, really weird ways, which is why eventually we created or we were in a pod. We didn't create it.

We joined it. Oh, you joined a pod. Yeah. So then he got to socialize because that's so important. And yeah, so he he has friends but you know i'm i'm so excited to see like as he becomes more and comes into himself more and more like who exactly he's gonna be and who he's gonna be drawn to that is so interesting the reason why i asked i mean what a truly wild question be like did you get a friend he's a loner he's a loner but i always just like

wonder i'm like how do kids have friends before they go to school but that makes sense to have like playdates and be like i don't know those kids well also it's like classes like you'll be going to music classes you'll be going to gymnastics you'll be doing all these things does he do gymnastics he used to before the old pandemic yeah the pandemic really put a hamper on group activities but i mean it was basic like it's like jump into this pile of soft blocks and hold on to these rings and walk on this low balance beam you know it was like but it was really cute that is so so fucking adorable. Yeah. I don't know if I actually want a kid. I've said I didn't.

But then I think if I might have said this on the podcast before. Wait, you implied that you wanted like this full house, but you just mean like 10 dogs and a man. Uh-huh. I mean, technically, yes. Okay. I'm like, you will be going to gymnastics. You're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. With my dog?

Yeah. He could do it oh i don't oh no did i lose him where is he oh okay he's behind a pillow i got real scared i was like did i leave him somewhere uh that was my dog's mouth noise by the way i just don't want the listener to think that was mine i didn't even hear a mouth noise. Oh, okay. I'm always scared of those. He was like, like really close to the mic. I'm like, please don't tarnish my reputation. See, he did it again. I don't hear it when he's doing it.

I can only hear it when you do it. Oh, nightmare. Oh, no. But I think I'll adopt a kid if I hit 50 and I'm still single. I'll be like, okay, you're my friend. We're going to travel and hang out. And I guess you'll go to school a couple days a week you know you should adopt as like a 16 year old or you know maybe 17 so they just have a year where you hang out and then you're just friends and then I send them off into the world I'm like go to college get education that's

like why what and they're like what did you do with me? Exactly. I'm like, I gave you a nice life. Don't you love me? That's what I'll do. I'll adopt somebody to love me. There we go. Yeah. So that's good. Yeah.

Real quick. We have to take another break. Now, do you have a therapist? Did you mention a therapist? You did, right? No. I don't know if I've mentioned it today, but yes, I do have a therapist. I don't know why in my head you talked about your therapist.

Then I'm like, wait a minute. Maybe you didn't. I have one. Do you have one? I do. I think it's nice to have one. Yes, I agree. I think it's helpful.

I think it's nice to have one. Yes, I agree. I think it's helpful. I was wondering if a lot of times comedians, I feel like all go to the same therapist. Do you do that? I don't think my... No, my therapist doesn't really have comedians. She said that she's worked with some people

in the entertainment industry. She keeps it very vague. Is that a flex? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe she's like bragging. She's like, just so you know you're not the only person i'm working with yes i've seen i've seen it all like a lot of them

in la their websites will be like experience with entertainment and stuff i'm always just like la is it's just so psychotic. Like everything is like about entertainment. You go to like a type, a vintage typewriter shop. I couldn't. And they're like, we know what you're going to be typing up. A screenplay. Maybe therapists put that on their website. So they're like, if you get an overall deal, you won't have to explain it to me. know what it is i know yeah they're like here's some vocab i know generals uh sizzle reel

they're like if you mention these things in a session don't waste your breath explaining it because i'm familiar i already know what it is. Thank you so much. You're like, they're like ex-WME agent. You're like, wait, I don't like this. Honestly, that would be awful to have an ex-agent be your therapist. You're like, oh boy, no thank you. Oh God, I don't know. I have a question.

Since you want me to meet people in person, travel to do so. What is a good pickup line? You know, to me, here's my philosophy when I was single. Who cares if you get rejected? Are you of that kind of mindset? Because to me, I feel like you take a gamble. The upside is you're hooking up with someone really hot. And maybe you click. And then the downside is they are like, no. Okay. Who cares? I do not like.

So I'm fine being rejected at work. Like in acting auditions. If a crowd doesn't like me, that's fine. It's subjective. But I'm like,itions if a crowd doesn't like me that's fine it's subjective but i'm like oh if you don't like me that's actually pretty personal but my therapist has said it's not personal it's just them not wanting what you're serving and it's it has everything to do with them not you that's just a hard thing to really get in my little brain you know what i love that and it's i also think it's true it's like you can't make it be right you can't make it be a connection so it either it

is or it isn't and you're just along for the ride yeah you know all you can do is shoot your shot and see what happens just like basketball shoot your shot see if you make a basket yeah um i here's what i think a good line is for you okay have you seen my show hi i'm nicole have you seen my show actually go have you seen my shows then they'll be like wow she's a little pretentious you just print out your imdb this is what you would do in la you print out your imdb and you just slip it to someone maybe i'll do that i'll buy drinks for people with a printout of my imdb and i'm like hey this is from me i can afford that one drink actually you should have should have a badge, like a Hollywood badge.

It's a print. It's the IMDb icon. And you hold it like a badge, like Nicole Byer nailed it and Grand Crew. And they're just like, oh, are you free for questioning? And they're like, yes, I am. And their shirt falls open. Their silk shirt falls open. Oh, I can't wait to date someone who wears a silk shirt that just falls open.

I don't know why that was the most lesbian imagery. You know what? Have you ever been to Magic Mike in Vegas? I have. How was it i'll tell you something um all i wanted was to be grinded on have a little bit of attention and we sat in the front it was me sashir and our other friend mateo mateo got one of the boys numbers after the show and during the show they took sashira away and we were like where are they taking her and then during a number a spotlight landed on sashir and she was sitting on a piano and a man who was shirtless was serenading her and then during a number a spotlight landed on sashir and she was sitting on a piano and a man who was shirtless was serenading her and i started crying because i was like you didn't want this

this they divided you guys they really did they like tried to break your friendship they did ultimate test so i stole the little goblet my my uh it was actually a pretty big goblet that my drink came in because i was like i will get something from this show so so no one even shook their d in your face no one shook their d at me it was devastating i really hated it and meanwhile she's on stage just like yeah just gyrating and writhing on a piano yeah having the time of her life and then Mateo I think had the time of his life later I don't know the details whoa whoa boy oh boy wow that yeah that my friend just went and she was posting on Instagram and I'm just like it just seemed like she went alone oh Oh, I love this for her.

So that's how you prevent that situation. You need to go back and you go alone. And did they pay attention to your friend? You know what? She was filming all kinds of debauchery all around. I need to ask if she actually got a ball sack on her shoulder or anything that's all i want just a nice little ball sack right on my shoulder yeah it sounds comforting like uh like a iago in aladdin except it's a ball sack yeah i think that you know between LACMA. LACMA. Got one more in. Between LACMA and Vegas. And Palm Springs and the Bay Area.

Palm Springs and the Bay Area. I guess what I'm saying is you need to get the road. Get the fuck up out of here. Glamorous clothes and just a trawling for dong. Okay. I guess this works. I mean, I am going to start touring again. And I'm not going to any of the places you mentioned.

But I should make some stops. You're like, I will be in Tacoma. I'm like trying to think of the saddest place I've ever been. The saddest place I've ever been is Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah, I was almost going to say Wisconsin. And then I went to coma. But I think that when you go on the road for stand up, do you go to nice restaurants and eat by yourself ever?

Sometimes I started bringing my friend Christy with me on my dates. So we'll go together. She opens for you? That's perfect. I started bringing my friend Christy with me on my dates. So we'll go together. She opens for you? Mm-hmm. That's perfect. So then you go out to eat afterwards at really nice places. And then, I don't know, have you ever dated a waiter?

I don't think I've ever gone, I've hooked up with waiters or servers when I lived in New York. There's certainly the appeal, right? It's like someone who knows fine dining, someone who knows how to serve, you know? Yeah, I mean, last time we went to a fancy restaurant, it was in Indiana. It was me, Christy, and then Sashir dropped in because it was right before the holidays.

And a server was bringing over stuff. And I think he was kind of cute, but he had big spoons and big forks in his hand and was trying to explain what he was putting on the table. I just got so excited over the big silverware and i said oh big silverware and then immediately got very embarrassed it's tough it does feel like it can go south fast in that dynamic because also you're like you know you're sitting down you're being served it's like trying to have good banter in that scenario. It could feel exploitive easily. Yeah.

Or just being silverware. Last night, there was a server who really enjoyed me. I ordered a drink and they were like, ooh, you're going to love it. It's very brunchy. I was like, ooh, thank you. And then she ordered her drink and she was like, yeah, I'll get that for you.

And I was like, does this person love me? But then later, it wasn't love. It was just being nice. Wait, who got it for you? The server. Oh, OK. I thought it was OK. And they were being real flirty, I thought.

But then I think it was just, you know, you're a server and you're just, you know, make some money and be nice. Did you look at the receipt to see if they'd written anything? Here's the thing it was paid for because a friend of ours was doing a friendsgiving thing um yeah so this is november sorry you're listening to it in january uh they were doing a friendsgiving thing now let's talk yeah so it was all paid for so there was no receipt and then that server didn't even say goodbye they just left so it wasn't love and they were hot to you i thought so yeah but also who knows because people are still wearing masks and masks are very misleading it is weird you see the eyes you say yum yum yum and then you see the bottom and you go oh no no oh isn't that strange because i kind of like there's some some people that i'd seen frequently masked and then i saw

them unmasked and i was like like some of them you're like okay yeah that's what i imagined that's what i imagined others you go you know it's like someone may not have any lips at all and you're like oh my goodness goodness. And it's shocking. You know, it's like, I just envisioned what I wanted under there. And we know, I'm not talking about like romantically. I don't know. Anyhow, but the point being,

the point being it is, it can throw you for a loop, this mask thing. Yeah, so you've been dating in the pandemic. Yeah, and it's been awful. Do you have to like require COVID tests? Well, now you're vaccinated, so you're been dating in the pandemic yeah and it's been awful do you have to like require covid tests well now you're vaccinated so you're living your life just i ask i mean i do not ask before we meet up because i don't want to seem annoying which is dumb but like during the date i'll be like oh are you vaccinated and everyone has said yes so So, yeah, that's good. But they could be lying, I guess.

Right. Who knows? I don't know, Chelsea. I know. It's so weird. But I guess time will tell. Time will tell. I asked someone if they were vaccinated and they were like, no, but I'm working with my herbalist, too.

And I'm like, oh. Okay. I just, I mean, sure. I just, that's what I say now. I'm like, oh, okay. That's what you want. That's nice for you. Right.

But I like science and fill me up with cum and vaccine. What? You have premarital sex? I'll take the vaccine and then some herbs on top of it well on that note chelsea that's it that we're ending on the vaccine and herbs we don't have to okay what advice in closing can you give me in it okay in closing i would like advice for me and for one other person listening. Give advice to a person named Phoebe who's having trouble sustaining relationships.

Phoebe? Yeah, just a person who's listening named Phoebe. Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, listen. First of all, I think the older you get, like, the less tolerance you should have for something that's not working. So it doesn't mean you won't be drawn. Could you chill? My dog is like trying to loudly sniff the mic now. Like, why?

Phoebe, sorry. So the older you get, I feel like you might still be drawn to people who are unavailable, as you were mentioning, Nicole, or, you know, but that it should last. You're willing to donate less and less time. Right. Like when you're when you're in your 20s, you're like, I'll give a year to anyone, you know, and get older. You have to like kind of protect your time more. So it's like, OK, once you show me a red flag or two, it's going to end. And the more you do that, the more you make space for the person who is better. And

you're not going to meet that person until you meet them. If everyone was great, then everyone would just fall in love with the first person they date. You're not going to find the person that's right for you until you do. And until then, you have to hang out with people that aren't quite right sometimes. You hear that, Phoebe? I think that's very good advice for you and for me. Yeah, just give it less time. And if it's not clicking in a exciting and genuine way where you feel

like you can be truthful. Honestly, one thing that like changed my life was Nick Kroll had a sketch show and I was on it playing this girl Farley that was like crazy. And then I realized she's not crazy. She just saying her thoughts and I think that that's so crazy you know and it's like I was like what if I just say my thoughts and also around then all these people were like men love crazy women and I was like you're right because you know what you get you know it's like someone's crazy they just shoot from the fucking hip. They tell you like, I hate that shirt, you know, or whatever, or I feel scared right now. And it's like, I don't know. I just feel like saying how you feel isn't crazy. And if you're with someone who makes you feel that way, then they're not the right one,

you know? So those are my, that's my collection of of advice i can't tell how it landed with you honestly you have a poker face i can't tell honestly i think that's really good advice because me personally i have a hard time telling people how i feel in the moment and i think i think for just me as a person not just in like romantic relationships but just taking a beat and being like oh uh that affected me in a way that i'd like to explain real quick i think it was i think it was good yeah i think for friendships too it's like i just feel like who has time for someone that a friend or a lover that you have to put a mask on to be in their presence. You know, you shouldn't be absolutely boundaryless

and out of control, but you should be able to say, you know what, this felt weird to me. You know, I was dating this one guy and he started playing guitar and singing a song to me about butterflies. And I was, I was like, this is a conundrum. Because I was like, you chose me. This guy reached out to me. I'm like, you chose me. I'm this comedian. And you're playing a song about butterflies for me on a guitar. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I literally felt like a trapped animal. And I said something about it. I'm like, I just feel like my, it's just I'm like and I I said something about it I'm like you know I just feel like my you know it's just I'm not sure like I wouldn't also it was like five songs and also it's like can you imagine doing like 20 minutes of stand-up for a guy no that you were that's insane I couldn't have crazy and expecting what yeah so I just I the whole time I'm there I'm like oh my gosh I I bet he wants a girl who's like wearing a floral skirt and has long curly hair and she's just like these are beautiful songs you know and I'm like right in this moment I'm being robbed of being genuine and he's being

robbed of the reaction that he wants and so I said something about it and it was like, you could see his eyes like, like he closed down and it kind of felt like the end, the beginning of the end for us. But at the end of the day, I didn't regret it because it would have come up at some point. If I, if I pretended that this was great for me, this experience of watching an actor play five guitar songs,

then I would have been committing myself to that behavior forever. And you would have been saying, that's okay. I'd love to hear more songs. Right. And even he's like, you used to love my songs. And I'm like,

right. Keep going. Like, actually And I'm like, right. Keep going. Like, actually, I never did. Yeah. I think that's really good advice to just be like open, honest and like up front with your feelings, because later you're just going to have to like rewrite things or like, actually, I didn't want that. Yes.

Like a year in is what would happen to me in the past, like in my 20s or 30s. Like, it's like I date someone for a year and then after a year, I'm like, I actually hate this, this, this, this. And it's like, I might as well just be more neutral, but clear from the beginning. Yeah, I'm not crazy about this experience of watching you in a shirt with no sleeves on it, playing guitar and singing about honestly this story gets better and better a sleeveless shirt playing multiple songs one about a butterfly i love this man i mean do you know how actors like aren't ashamed of like trying to like look hot or something like like a cut off shirt if i just be like no I can't do this you know it's like it's too

if I was a guy I'd just be like no it's too like karate kid like it's just trying to do something in a way that's not like effortless

but that's not how they are I like him it feels like he had no self awareness I wonder if he's still single and if he is will you reach out

on my behalf I like songs about butterflies he's not he's not but I wouldn't I my behalf? I like songs about butterflies. He's not. He's not. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Anyhow, I hope you find someone. I'd love you to keep me appraised of your situation.

I will. And if I'm just like going through the internet and I find someone interesting. Please send them my way. I'm going to send them to you because I also just feel like DM them if you think someone's interesting. Okay. That's how I got married. Yeah. If it works for you, I think it's interesting. Okay. That's how I got married. Yeah. If it works for you,

I think it will work for me. Well, I hope so. You know, I don't know. I can't pretend to have the answers. Now my dog is like a POW. He's like sitting at the door with his head on the floor. I'm like, you came in here.

Yeah, you did this. Okay, real quick. We've ended. Do you have anything that you want to promote i mean uh do i i mean i guess i don't know when i don't know when sing to is and when this comes out but honestly like not really i guess like people could come to my instagram which is where my main creative format right now i I'm trying to get a little deal going. And maybe by the time this is out, check deadline. If there's nothing, send a poison dart to me.

Send a poison dart. That's maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. I don't have anything to promote, but just check deadline and maybe something will be there for you to get excited about god bless us all okay well thank you so much for doing this chelsea um thank you if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it rate it subscribe it give it five stars or whatever if you email why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and write me a dirty message or a dirty review or something i will read it this person said nicole i'd happily hire the hottest man i could to come to your house shove a dozen crow nuts into your favorite luscious crevice

skewer them with uh that famous monster cock then pull the whole flaky mess out and feed it to you while you made hamster noises. Wow. Wow. I don't even know the noise a hamster makes. You will soon. Soon I will. Okay. Bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.