Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Cover Up Stinky Shits From Your Partner (w/ Randall Park)

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

Comedian and actor Randall Park (Fresh Off The Boat, WandaVision) joins Nicole Byer to talk about the best ways to hide your stinky shits from your partner, how comparing himself to his partner’s ex took an unhealthy turn, and the time he created a jazz club to impress a girlfriend. Meanwhile, Nicole hatches a plan to ride a garbage truck.Watch this episode on YouTube at youtu.be/4UQS8vtUYZ8. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode!Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message," and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:TikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastInstagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746Sponsors:» Quince: Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to Quince.com/dateme for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order.» Essie: Shop essie nail polish at Target.This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Love the podcast you'll love seeing even more of it on video Watch this full episode on YouTube just check the description for the link subscribe So you don't miss out new video episodes drop every Friday This is a head gum podcast Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my nails and tell me that they're a new version of acrylic powder. My guest today.

Powder? Yeah, wait till it gets hard. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and actor you know from Fresh Off the Boat and One Division and he's been in films like Ant-Man and the Wasp, Always Be My Maybe and Aquaman. You can see him now in the new series, It's Florida Man. On Macs.

And I'm so excited he's here. It's Randall Park. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here, Randall Park! Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here, Randall. Let's hop right into it. Yeah. Do you have a wife?

Yeah, I do have a wife. How'd you get one? A wife. A wife. I got my wife at a, oh, at an audition. Wait, that's really fun. In an audition waiting room.

Okay. Yeah. Do you remember what the audition is for? Do you wanna say? Yeah, it was a, Wait, that's really fun. In an audition waiting room. Okay. Yeah. Do you remember what the audition is for? Do you want to say? Yeah, it was a... So there was this British show called Spaced. Spaced.

And, yes, Spaced. And they were making an American version called Spaced. Spaced. Yeah. And we, you know, I just... Gosh, that was almost 20 years ago. I went into the audition room and saw her sitting there and thought, wow, she's beautiful. But, well, there's backstory.

So like a few days, a few nights before, I was at a party. And it was kind of this like party fundraiser for this theater company. And I was sitting there and I saw her at the party. And our eyes kind of locked. But she was with a guy. So I was like, oh, that's probably, you know. And we didn't talk or anything like that, but I saw her. And then a few days later, I walk into this audition room, but I saw her. And then a few days later, I walk into this audition room, waiting room, and she's there, and it's just her.

And I thought, oh my gosh, that's the one at the party, you know, that I saw. Uh, but, you know, it was an audition, and I was like, I gotta focus on my audition. But it took forever. We were sitting there forever, just us two. And then we started talking. And we were having a great time just chatting and laughing. And it felt very kind of natural, which isn't always the case for me.

And then they called her in and I thought, oh my gosh, maybe, you know, it was so great. Maybe she'll come back into the waiting room afterwards to, I don't know, exchange numbers maybe or, you know, but she did and she just left. She's like, see ya. Yeah. So I thought, OK, well, that's fine. You know, whatever. And then a few days later, I see her at another audition. And I thought, this is a sign.

This is a sign. And I had a birthday coming up. I invited her to the birthday party thinking, okay, well, she has a boyfriend, she'll show up with a boyfriend or she won't show up at all. She shows up by herself. And she stays the entire time. And I learned that she didn't have a boyfriend. And we just got along so well.

She loved all my friends. And then at the end of the night, well, another friend wouldn't leave. It was just me, her, and this other friend. The other friend wouldn't leave. And then, so, and the other friend was like, I was like, guys, I gotta get to bed. It's like super late.

And he, but I told her to call me when she gets home. And then she called me and then I asked her out on a date. And then we've been together ever since. Oh, I love that so much. That is so sweet. So does she feel that she kept seeing you everywhere? What's her side? Do you know? She... Well, we had mutual friends.

So I had actually seen her many years before, like, do a play, and she had seen me do shows around town, but we didn't really... We'd never met, and we didn't know each other. So we kind of vaguely knew of each other. What was your first date? We went to a movie at the New Art Theater on Pico Boulevard.

It's kind of an independent movie theater. And we would just, we just saw, oh, we saw, we saw a documentary about break dancing. Okay. And then, and then we went to dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica, which is near the theater. And then that was it. I like that. That's really fucking sweet.

Yeah, it was very sweet. And then how long did you date before you got married? We dated for... six months before we got engaged. Whoa, that's pretty wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So six months, and then in those six months, when did you say I love you?

Probably like a few weeks into it. A few weeks into it? Yeah, yeah. And did she say it back immediately or were you like left hanging? No, she said it back immediately. Yeah. Well, what happened was, so I was doing stand-up at the time and I had a show in I think Berkeley or something like that and we drove together up north and she was coming with me to do and we just had the best time on that drive,

and I realized, oh my gosh, I am in love with her. And then I was like, I better do well on this show. I have to kill. I have to do well, otherwise she'll know I'm not funny and maybe she won't love me. Exactly, exactly. So I was very nervous about that. And I did great.

It was a great show. And then on the drive back when I dropped her off, yeah, that's when the I love you, I love yous were exchanged. Oh, that's so sweet and romantic. I love it so much. What was the thing that made you go, so it was the drive and you had a good time on the drive and you're like, oh my God, I. I love it so much. What was the thing that made you go... So it was the drive and you had a good time on the drive

and you're like, oh my God, I think I love this person. So you said it, I love you. And then when did you propose? Was that far out? No, no, not too long after that. I mean, I don't know, maybe five months, four. I mean, a few months after that. And how did you propose?

It was my birthday. And there is this restaurant that I like in LA, this old steakhouse, and they had this back room, and I invited all my friends in the back room, and I invited her friends too. And the rule was don't give me any gifts, but I want you to each, if you'd like, to tell a story. So there was a podium there, people were coming up,

telling stories about their lives, and it was very great. And then I had planned at the end, I'm gonna tell a story about her and how we met and how wonderful it was. And then I was gonna propose. And so that's what happened. At the end, I proposed and it was very sweet. Oh, I love this.

Was she surprised? She was. Oh, my God. That's so sweet. And it was your birthday and you said, it's not about me, it's about you. Yeah. That's right. it's about you. Yeah. That's right. It's about you.

That's right. I love you. God, that's so fucking sweet. I love it. Yeah, yeah, it was nice. And then you got married on August 29th. Yes, that's right. Isn't that funny that I know that?

Yeah, that is funny that you know that. How do you know that? My assistant did some research and then the only reason why I remember it is because it's my birthday. Oh, oh my gosh. Yes. Where did you get married? We got married at a place in LA. It's this old place near Highland Park, like this old building that used to,

I guess they used to have, contain like all the electric stuff for the trains and they gutted it out and turned it into this beautiful like event space. And we, it was a fairly small wedding and we got married there. Do you think your relationship has changed after you got married? Yeah.

What changes? It gets better. It got better. It got better, I think. I think those first initial years, it was a lot of adjusting and also kind of confronting things about yourself that you never really thought about and some difficult things that are uncomfortable, you know, and just kind of having those things kind of exposed and very vulnerable things that, you know, maybe in previous relationships, you protected yourself from those sides coming out.

And so I would say the first few years were great, but they were also like challenging in a lot of ways. Yeah, and then it just gets, for us at least, it just got easier and easier and in a good way. I like that. Yeah. Did you live together before or after you got married? She moved in after we got engaged.

Okay. Yeah, but she would not move in unless we got engaged. Okay. Yeah, but she would not move in unless we got engaged. I mean, I think that's a good boundary to hold. Yeah. Like, what's the end goal here? What are we actually doing? Yeah, and I had lived with girlfriends before, you know. And you know, it felt, I don't know, it just felt kind of different to hear that from someone.

Like, I'm not gonna move in until we get engaged, you know? I haven't really lived, lived with anyone. I like kind of soft lived with somebody for a little bit. Yeah. And that was like a little hard, because I was like, oh no, you see me in the mornings when I look terrible and then you get to see how I cook. Which is, I don't use a lot of, like, knives and utensils.

I'll, like, cut things with my mouth, and that's, like, gross. And I remember he was like, "'Eugh, and you're gonna serve that to both of us?" And I was like, "'Eugh, will you kiss me?" What do you mean, cut things with your mouth? Like, if you're making a stew, you take a raw steak and just... No, not steak. But imagine I'm just like, Like if you're making a stew, you take a raw steak and just...

No, not steak. But imagine I'm just like, argh, argh. No, like carrots. Like, I like... And then spit it out. And then I like rip things up with my hands. It's really fucking gross. It's so gross. I mean, it's very, uh, you know,

probably that's like a primitive cooking style, you know? Like, it might catch on with the kids. I'm cooking like my ancestors. How do you like make sure you make time for each other? I feel like a lot of TV shows and in media, it's just like people grow apart because they don't spend time together and they don't like appreciate each other um, I think we're both similar in the sense that we are not like I don't know. We're not we're very simple people in a way, you know

like we like being at home and we like, we have a daughter too and that, you know, that- Do you guys like her? Love her, I'm crazy about her. How old is she? She's 12. Oh, 12? Yeah, she's 12.

Okay, and she's still cool? She's the best. I feel like once you hit like 13, 14, you kind of become an asshole, but not her? Yeah, yeah, well she's on the autism spectrum. And so in a way, she feels kind of younger than she is. And she's just like pure joy. Oh, I love that.

So that helps too, you know, like with us, because we're, you know, we're all kind of... And she loves home too. And so we're all just like, we love home. Just three people who love being at home. Yeah, yeah. The older I get, the more I'm like, we love home. Just three people who love being at home. Yeah, yeah. The older I get, the more I'm like, home is nice. Home is the best. Why am I leaving my home? To do what? To have a shitty dinner somewhere?

To like see awful people be loud and stuff? I know. Oh my god. Dinner's cut with like actual cutlery. Like that's like... I went to dinner the other night and the host, I was like, oh, we're meeting people. And he was like, who?

And I gave the name and he was like, I don't see it. And I was like, you don't see either of those two names I gave you? And he was like, no, I see them right here. And I was like, okay. And then he was like, how are you? And I was like, good, how are you? And he went, oh, I'm great.

And I was like, oh my God, has nobody asked this man how he was today? And then the walk from the host stand to the table was, I don't know, 36 steps, but this man told me so much. And I was like, I could be at home not talking to you. You're being so strange. I just feel like I get out in the world and everyone's just a fucking weirdo, Randall.

That's the case. That is the case. Why? Yeah, yeah. Home, you know, home, there's control, you know? There is control at home. How do you deal with working on like location? Do you bring your family with you or?

Yeah, no. I mean, it depends on how long I'm gone for, but if I'm gone for a long time, they'll come for a bit, you know what I mean? And if it's like a short thing, then... Then you say, stay asshole, we all love home so much. I mean, that's also the advantage of being with another actor is because she totally gets it.

And, you know, so when she goes off, it's like sometimes I'll make the trip for a little bit and then come back. And yeah, we make it, we figure it out. I like it. It seems like in your relationship, there's a lot of like give and take and meeting each other halfway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, I mean, that every relationship I would think is that's, you know, yeah. I saw the Joker too, did you? No. I keep talking about this movie. And what I took away from it was Harley Quinn said, meet me halfway. And then the Joker did, but then he didn't.

And she was like, I have to leave you. That's it. And I was like, this is relationships. Yeah, yeah. If you, okay, so like the halfway is we're both crazy. And if one of you doesn't want to be crazy, you got to get out. And I was like, wow, this is this is really deep.

Oh, you're in a relationship now. I am dating someone right now. OK, wait, I said you're in a relationship right now. You said I am dating someone. Dating someone dating is less of a commitment than a relationship. Well, it is a relationship. OK, he is my boyfriend. OK, OK.

I just I don't know. He's not like he's not like a, he's not an actor and he's not in the industry. So like I've been trying to be kind about what I say about him or just careful. Yes, yes, yes. But he is my boyfriend and he's really great and he's really nice and he meets me halfway a lot.

Okay. Which is nice. Like we just had a conversation about like scheduling and I was like, oh shit, I'm not leaving enough room to see you. Like when I'm in town, I'm like, oh, I gotta hang out with my friends. Yeah. It's like, but also he's a person and yes, he has a life, but also it's like, we're trying to build something together. Yeah. So I have to remember that like, I need to leave days to see him. Otherwise, like, what do we do? And you guys don't live together?

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not yet. And that's scary to me. Living with someone is really, really scary because they don't go home. Because their home is your home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that freaks me out so much. Yes, yeah, that's a big deal. It is. Like how do you deal with stinky shits? Yeah, yeah, we deal with it. We laugh about it. But then in my head I'm like, but what if he doesn't like me anymore

because my shits are so stinky? Which is an unhinged thing to think, but I do think about that a lot. Has that happened yet? Not yet. I hide them. Like in the backyard? I carry them out in a bowl,

and I go, this bowl's not for anything, don't worry. And then I dig, and I dump it in there. No, I just, I have a lot of air fresheners and incense that I use. But when he sees air fresheners hanging all around the house, he probably- He's like, what's going on? And I'm like, just keep it fresh, don't worry.

Well, we did have a conversation. We went away together and I was like, hey, everybody poops. I did the most insane thing. I like cornered him and I said, everybody poops. You poop, I poop, we all poop. And I have these incense that you can use when you poop. And I'll use them when I poop and we won't know the poops happening. I don't know what I thought was going to happen.

He just said, OK. I think what you're going through is what all relationships, long lasting healthy relationships go through. There is that period like, oh my gosh, how am I going to shit? Yes. You know, how am I going to am I going to fart? Am I going to you know? Yes. And I don't think I have farted in front of him yet. But I learned I fart in my sleep. Oh, there you go. So, I might've farted in my sleep, but I haven't asked him yet. I do snore sometimes, but he was like, you haven't really snored.

And I was like, maybe you're being kind, I don't know. But it's like, yeah, when you live with someone, you have to do all these humiliating things. You gotta poop, you have to sleep, you have to do all these humiliating things. You gotta poop, you have to sleep, you have to like be gross. Sometimes I'm gross in my house. Yes. You don't wanna be human.

No, I don't. I wanna be this like perfect thing. And I'm not, I'm strictly not. Do you think that the scheduling thing, issue, is related to this fear of being human, like in a way. Because it's like less time, the more, the less chance he has to see the, you know. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also think it stems from everyone I've ever dated in the beginning. I'm like, I'm my own woman. I have my own life. I have my own schedule and I'll fit you in the beginning, I'm like, I'm my own woman. I have my own life, I have my own schedule, and I'll fit you in when I can. As opposed to like, okay, well, now you know me. I know you, I like you, you like me. Let me just learn how to adapt my schedule

so it's like we don't go weeks without seeing each other when I'm in town. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that has been hard. Because I'm like, I do wanna hang out with my yeah. And that has been hard because I'm like, I do want to hang out with my friends. And then like you'll see Instagram videos that are like, you need to be your own woman. You need to have your own life. A man cannot be your whole life.

And it's like, sure. But like, has he met your friends? Yeah. And your friends like him? Yeah. That's like the huge thing. Yes, yes, yes. OK, that's great. My friends like him. I like his friends. That's all been like really great. That's great. It's truly just me being like, okay, I was away for a week So now I'm back in town

So now instead of like catching up with friends, I should be catching up with him You know what you should do? You should take a big shit in the toilet, leave it, don't flush it, write a long note that says, hey, this is the real me, this is the human me. I love you. And I want you to see this. And I want you to accept it and love me back. And if you can get, if you could love me back,

then I will definitely be canceling a lot of appointments with my friends. I simply don't think I could, that truly terrifies me. Oh my God, that simply... I'm like, I cannot formulate a sentence about how scary that is. As I was saying it, I was like, this is a bad idea. But you get the point. I do get the point.

There was once where we both had tummy aches, and I was like, did you shit? And then he was like, sure did. And I said, okay. He's like, did you? And I was like, did you shit? And then he was like, sure did. And I said, okay. And he's like, did you? And I was like, you're not gonna trick me. He was like, what are you talking about?

I was like, you're not gonna trick me because you're gonna be less attractive to me if I tell you what happened and I'm not gonna tell you what happened. Yeah, you know, when I first started dating my wife, this is that period where you're kind of figuring yourself out. And, you know, we were learning about each other, and I had learned that she had briefly dated another guy.

And this guy was like this famous guy. And it filled me with like insecurity, you know, because this guy was very handsome, successful guy. And I was just like this broke actor. And I was like, oh my God, why is she with me? And I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was like, God, because I loved her. I loved her and I wanted her to love me and I questioned whether she really loved me.

What is she doing with me, you know? And I remember just kind of, I just couldn't stop obsessing over this. And one day I was driving down Pico Boulevard and I see a billboard and it's with him on it. And it's, yeah, and he's looking all heroic. Like, and in the billboard, he's literally like hanging off the side of a helicopter. And I'm like, oh my God, that's him.

I drive down another few blocks. It's the same billboard again. And for the next, you know, he had the show coming out. And it was this constant reminder, like, oh my God, I'm just this broke actor. And here's this like very successful, handsome, leading man guy that she was with, and now she's with me, you know? And it just kept making me feel so insecure.

And I really wanted to be the perfect leading man for her. I wanted to be this ideal guy for her. But just thinking about and literally seeing in front of me constantly. This man hanging out of a helicopter. Yeah, and it really stressed me out. And then one day, I was in the bathroom and I was brushing my teeth. And this gets a little weird, but we'll come back to it.

Okay. And I would gargle the water and it would just kind of fall out the side of my face. I couldn't keep it in my mouth. And I looked at my face and I had... Half my face was like drooping. And I was like, what is going on with me? Wait, that's so fucking... That's wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't control half of my face. Went to the doctor. They were like, oh, you have this thing called Bell's palsy.

And it's, you know, fairly common. thing called Bell's palsy. And it's fairly common. For some people, it goes away. For some, it never goes away. And Bell's palsy is a... You basically... Yes, yeah, it's like a paralysis. And I was like, how does this happen? And he was like, well, have you been stressed?

And I was like, oh, no, no, I haven't been stressed. Me? No, I drive around and it's great. I see nothing, nothing. But, you know, because of that, I haven't been stressed. Me? No, I drive around and it's great. I see nothing, nothing. But, you know, I could, because of that, I couldn't audition, I couldn't do, you know, I was just like, I couldn't do, I couldn't be an actor, I couldn't even try to be that guy on the billboard, you know, and it just kind of sent me into this, oh my God, existential crisis. And here I was in love with this woman,

I was questioning whether she loved me. And then, and during that period, she was just so great to me. She was just so like caring and just there for me. And it just kind of, all of those doubts kind of slowly started to melt away, you know? And I just realized, oh my gosh, she does love me, you know? And I stopped even thinking about that other stuff.

It just like, it almost was like the universe's way of saying like, hey, look what you have in front of you, you know? And stop obsessing about being this perfect human being for her, you know? Don't look a gift horse in the face or something? I don't, yeah. Something like, I don't. It's kinda like that? It's like, you have this, or something? I don't, yeah. It's kind of like that?

It's like, you have this, be nice? Yes, yes, yes. I don't... I never... I don't know what that saying means. I don't know either. But I get that. I sometimes, not sometimes, every time I date somebody, I like to go through their Instagram and say, who else have you dated? And then compare myself to them.

Which is not healthy. Not healthy. and then I go through their Instagram and say who else they've dated and then compare myself to them, which is not healthy. Not healthy. But sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, he could just date an easier person. He could date somebody who's more normal than me. But yeah, that's probably the reason why he's with you, right, is because you're fun and you're different.

And you're, you know. I think so, I hope so. I simply don't know. Randall, real quick, we have to take a break! Okay. This podcast is presented by SE Nail Polish. It's time to treat yourself! Life can be hectic. Dating, work, just trying to survive out there. And honestly, nothing makes me feel more put together

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I think cherry mocha. It's bold. It's a little spicy. It's just like her. Shop Essie nail polish for the holidays in store. Target, Ulta, CVS, all the stores you already shop at and online at your preferred Essie retailer. This show is sponsored by Better Health. How do you like to get comfortable during the holidays?

My favorite way is being wrapped up all cozy on my couch watching my favorite TV show, which is 90 Day Fiance. For some people, the best part of December is snuggling up in a blanket, sipping on some hot chocolate, and watching movies with your family. Like, who doesn't love a good cozy night in? And guess what? Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort

that never goes away, even when the season changes. Real talk, therapy is a tool for everybody, single or in a relationship, and it's helped me to figure out how to communicate, set boundaries, and stop stressing over stuff that literally doesn't matter. Trust me, a little self-work goes a long way, no matter where you are in your love life. If you're thinking about starting therapy, why not try BetterHelp? It's all online, super easy, flexible, and suited for your schedule.

You just go online and fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge, which is super important because finding a therapist is a little bit like dating. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-Help.com slash date me today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash date me. Be bop, boo bop, bop bop bop, we're back. Um. Boy, I'm always having fun. Before you were married, what's one of the worst dates you've been on? Worst dates I've been on?

Gosh, I didn't, I don't, I didn't date too often. I was like a long-term relationship guy. Ah, okay. I mean, there were like, you know, little kind of experiences and maybe some dates. But, but I was always like, I'd meet someone and we'd connect. And then next thing you know, we were together for the next six years. That was kind of the pattern.

Like even in high school and stuff, did you date in high school? No, no, I didn't. I wanted to. Me too. Yeah. Real bad. Yeah, I wanted to, but I didn't.

But I did have a high school girlfriend. Oh. A senior year. Okay. Yeah, I wanted to, but I didn't. But I did have a high school girlfriend. Oh. A senior year. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And we were together and it was great. What kind of person were you in high school? Were you like a footballer or like a theater person?

Or a band? No, no, I wasn't a theater person. Not, I played volleyball, which wasn't the coolest of sports. No, I like it. That makes me very happy. I played volleyball, which wasn't the coolest of sports. No, I like it. That makes me very happy. Indoor volleyball, come on. But I was, I wouldn't say I wasn't popular. I mean, I was, you know, I got along with everybody.

Yeah, and I kind of existed in all the different groups, I think, or I'd like to think, yeah. And my girlfriend at the time, this was in 92. This was during the riots in LA. Ah, Rodney King. Yes. Yes. During the riots in LA.

And I don't, you probably weren't even born at the time, but there was a lot of like tension between like Koreans and black folks and she was black and I was Korean and we were this couple. So at the time, I was like... You were stealing the world. I was like, we are like the symbol for unity... ...in these tumultuous times. But yeah, we were together into college. And then we broke up because we became long distance.

Long distance is fucking hard. It's hard. People who can make it work, I am like more power to you. Yes, yes, yes. But I feel like the majority of them don't work out. I was watching this show on Max and I think it was called Never Have I Met Him or something.

I don't know, it was a wild name for a show, but it was all people who had been in long distance relationships who met for the first time in this house all together. Oh my gosh, yeah. And it was just like, everyone had so much, like there was one couple where the guy had been with this woman for like 11 years

and in those 11 years had like had other children and he's like, but I've never cheated on you. And I was like, wait. Wait, what? And she was like, he's never you. And I was like, wait. Wait, what? And she was like, he's never cheated. And I was like, the cognitive dissonance you need to have to stay in this is so wild to me. It's so wild.

Yeah, long distance. I always advise against it. Yeah, I don't think I could. Yeah, I can't believe those, you know, like when people get married and one of them is in prison, you know? Yes. And then, I mean, if the person people get married and one of them is in prison, you know? And then, I mean, if the person does get out

and then they have to live together, like. It's like, I don't actually know you. They probably cook the way I do. That's pretty wild. And they're used to just shitting and everybody, and everybody, you know, experiencing that shit. But you can date in prison. I was watching this like documentary

and you can tell the person underneath you that you're gonna flush your toilet and if they like flush at the same time, you can send them things. Oh wow. Isn't that wild? That's romantic. Isn't that nice?

It's like my toilet gift is coming. Yeah, that's kind of beautiful actually. But it is wild to date some, okay, so prisoners, prisoners, people in jail, jail people. What is the, what's the PC way to say someone who's in jail? An incarcerated person. Incarcerated, yeah. I sometimes, and by sometimes, once every like month, someone who's incarcerated will reach out to me

to talk to me. And I, every time it happens, I go, okay. And I accept it, and then they delete me. And I'm like, but why? Why did you wanna talk to me? And then you don't wanna talk to me now. And it feels like Bumble. Like, cause you'll to talk to me? And then you don't want to talk to me now. And it feels like Bumble. Like, because you'll reach out to someone,

they'll talk back, and then they go away. That's odd. Isn't it? Do you think maybe they're not supposed to be reaching out? No, they can. It's like, it's called CoreLinks. And you can, if you have someone's email address, you can reach out and then request them to speak to them.

And then I think they get approved and then you can start communicating. But I don't know why they cut it off. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. It's me. What if they got in trouble or something and then did they get that taken away from them?

Maybe, but how? Every time. Randall, every single time. Maybe you inspire them to maybe through that brief. I'm gonna get in trouble. Yeah, I don't know. That's... It's me.

Yeah. And I was at the Haunted Hayride over the weekend and a spooky ook, someone who was like all dressed up, they were like looking at me and they were like doing something. And I was like, oh my God, what are up, they were looking at me and they were doing something and I was like, oh my God, what are you flirting with me? And then they went away and I was like, so okay, I guess you really weren't flirting with me.

And then they came back and went and wagged their finger at me and I was like, oh, I don't need to be fully rejected, I was kidding. And then I was really upset about it and then a friend was like, well maybe they didn't want you to say that. And then like maybe their superior heard it and they didn't want to get in trouble

for flirting with people. And I was like, you made up a whole story. I think he was just rejecting me. That's so odd. Isn't that mean? Yeah, yeah that's. It was really scary. That's odd, yeah.

I'm sorry. Hey, thank you. I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you so much. I just really wanted that spooky person to really hit on me. I feel so good about my life. Randall, can I tell you about this?

I was hit on a couple of weeks ago by a garbage man. He didn't really say anything. It was just the look. And I'm trying to time my walks with my dog to meet the garbage man because no, I don't wanna act on it. I just wanna go for a ride in a garbage truck. Oh my God, yeah. Have you been in a garbage truck?

I've never, I've never, but that sounds like fun. I feel like a lot of us haven't. Yeah. I mean, it's like the cable cars in San Francisco, right? Oh, I've never been in one. That seems like fun. But I think you could just kinda hop on and hang out San Francisco, right? It's like all day. Oh, I've never been in one. That seems like fun. But you could just kinda hop on and hang out.

Wait, you can? I don't know. I mean, that's how I envisioned it in my head. Huh. I would like to do that too. Yeah. I just wanna get on several modes of transportation. I think garbage, garbage, garbage, not garbage person.

What's the? A trash man. Trash man? A despot, no. A's the... A trash man? A trash man? A... A discard... Waste management? Waste management. Yes. A waste management connoisseur. Yeah, yeah. I think being a waste management connoisseur must be like the best job.

Right? It's like you're free most of the day. And they get paid really well. And you work one day a week. Wait. No. You work several days a week. I was just thinking about my sweet. I mean, that would be really cool if you're just in charge of one block, you know? I can't believe I truly just saw everyone's trash get picked up on Thursdays. Yeah, but that would be...

Yeah, I mean, if you were single and that happened, I'd say go for it. Yeah, I think I would go for it. But I think I'm just gonna ask him if I can go for a ride. What do you think he's gonna... Do you think he'll do it? Do you think he'll take me? What vibe do you get from the flirty look? Like, is there a... He seemed really friendly.

And then the man in the front waved, because I waved at him. Oh. Because there's two of them. One on the back, one in the front. Whoa. Okay. I think that you... They might know you. They might recognize you from TV.

Oh, maybe. That didn't even occur to me. And if that's the case, you'll get a ride. Oh, my God. I truly hope so. Yeah. And I hope he lets me hang on the back. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, the thought of this is really making me so excited. Like I want to ride in the front

and I want to ride in the back, but the back is pretty stinky. Yeah, yeah, that's my guess. It was tough. Yeah, that's my guess. Like even after they were gone, I was like, oh my God, this smell is haunting me. That's probably the only bad thing about that job.

Yeah, you probably go home and you're a little stinky. Yeah. Oh, I wonder if they have showers at the center. At the waste management center? The waste management center. The connoisseur center. Yeah. Randall, what's the most romantic date you've been on?

Romantic date? Gosh, the most romantic date. Or the most romantic thing you've been on? Romantic date? Gosh, the most romantic date. Or the most romantic thing you've ever done. This was way back in the day. I had a date with this woman, she was my girlfriend at the time. And I was in college. And we had, I used to go to this,

there was this jazz club in LA that I really loved. And I would go there and I saw Prince there one day, which was crazy. Did he perform? No, no, he was just sitting like, he was like literally, I turned and he was sitting right next to me. And I was like, oh my God, Prince is sitting next to me.

Did you talk to Prince? No, I was too, I was just like, he was sitting right next to me. And I was like, oh my God, Prince is sitting next to me. Did you talk to Prince? No, I was too. I was just like... He was in his sunglasses, just like kind of just listening. And then I was... And then I turned and like, before the end of the show, I turned back, he was gone. It was pretty special. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah, yeah, super cool.

She always wanted to go to that club, but then that club closed down, right? And so I had a friend who was in a jazz band and I had them, so I lived at home with my parents at the time. I had moved back home, but my parents weren't at home and I had converted the living room into a little jazz club. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And had my friends play. And had other friends just sitting at tables. And it was very like an episode of the Cosby Show. It would be funny if your parents had come home and been like, this? That's the party? This is the kind of party you're having? All right, we're not worried. Oh yeah, it was very, very chill. But she really enjoyed that, I remember.

God, that's so sweet. I love that so much. It sounds like you're very thoughtful when it comes to your relationships. Uh, I... Yeah, I don't know. I'd like to think so. Do you think that's like an unconscious thing, or do you... Are you like, oh, I need to be thoughtful. I want to do something thoughtful.

I think it's a... I think it's a I think it's a an unconscious thing or it's something that I was kind of as a kid I was like that mm-hmm but I grew up at least in my house getting constant rejection from that you know I would always try to like give my parents certain things or do certain things, and they'd always kind of be very critical of it, right? So that made me kind of want to get approval.

Yes, like a little bit of validation. Yeah, yeah. So I think my my life in some ways has been about kind of getting people to, you know, approve of these gestures, you know. A little bit of that in the background there. I try to be thoughtful, but a lot of times, it's thoughtful to me,

but not thoughtful to the other person. I gave my boyfriend a Knuckles key chain from, or not Knuckles, a shadow key chain from Sonic, because I love Sonic. And I was like, surely you want this? I do that too though with gifts. I do feel like gifts should reflect the person giving. Cause then you're like giving a part of yourself, right?

I don't know about a sonic thing. It was bad. It was a bad gift. And I was so excited to give a tip. It's very specific to me. But I do like clothing is a good gift I found. Yeah, I love clothes. Yeah.

And I'm good at picking out clothes for other people. So I'm like, oh, that's like a nice, like I do that with friends too. Like if I'm at a flea market or something, I'll like take a picture and be like, do you like this? Do you want this? Yeah, yeah, that's very sweet. That's how I've learned how to be thoughtful,

but still making myself happy because I love buying clothes. But do you also like, do you give clothes that, like, you think, oh, like, if you're giving a guy something, is it like, oh, if I was a guy, I would like this? No, I will buy things that are, like, color-specific that I know that they like. Yeah.

Or, I've seen you in this, or, like, you said that you liked what, like, somebody else is wearing. Yeah. Or I've seen you in this or like you said that you like what like somebody else is wearing. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, that means you don't have it. So then I'll get that for you. Yes, that's very sweet. That's what I I try to be

thoughtful that way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's very thoughtful. It's hard to be thoughtful because I just want you to have things I want you to have. So you're saying you're thoughtful to your friends. Yeah. But you're not very thoughtful to your boyfriend.

Well, I buy him clothes. Oh, you buy him clothes. Yes, I buy him stuff in the colors that he likes. I did. I did. And he was like, cool. Yeah, I tried, you know, I get my wife a lot of gifts and I kind of do both. What's one of the last things you bought that you're like, I want you to have this.

Well, she's really into like handbags. So I got her a, gosh, what did I, what was the last one I got her was a Prada handbag. Yeah. Ooh, that's nice. You can't go wrong with designer. Yeah, but it also is one that I actually really liked and like I would wear this. I would actually probably wear it. Like, it's like a, it was a beautiful brown suede Prada.

Ooh, that's nice. Well, why don't you get yourself one too? Do you carry purses? No, I don't carry purses. Why not? It'll change your life. My friend Gabris now has like this little fanny pack and then sometimes he's got like a cross body bag

and he's like, yeah, I put all my stuff in it. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's what. I wear a backpack sometimes. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then sometimes I'll like walk around with a tote. I think more men should have totes and backs. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, and then some, yeah, sometimes I'll like walk around with a tote. I think more men should have totes in bags. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because I put a lot of stuff in my bag for men, and I'm like, but if you just had a tote or a purse. It's so practical. It's very practical. Yeah, yeah. And you can express yourself. Oh my gosh.

Randall, do you have any advice for single people? Advice for single people. Well, I feel like people have too many, generally, and I'm talking about my friends who are single, have too many criteria. You know, too many criteria. And a lot of my friends who were single, who found somebody and are happy with that person,

a lot of that list of criteria isn't checked off by the person that they eventually find, you know. So I think a lot of, I think it helps to let go of that list and just be very open-minded. I mean, sure, there are some things that might be, you know, non-negotiable, but things like, I don't know, appearance-related things, you know, I feel like people should be a little more loose

with that stuff. Yeah. I agree. Because sometimes you might just really vibe with someone that you're like, oh, I've never thought I was attracted to this type of person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, I feel like sometimes those things are there for the wrong reasons, you know? Like, I want to be with a really, like, I don't know, a woman with blonde hair.

Like, she has to be blonde. It's like, why does she have to be blonde? She can always dye her hair. You can force her to dye her hair. Or like height, you know? Like I get it, you wanna feel, I don't know, protected or whatever it be, but you could protect yourself, you know?

Yeah, protect yourself. I used to really wanna be with a super tall person, but then I realized I have bad depth perception. Oh gosh, yeah. Yeah, you get dizzy every time. No, I don't get dizzy. I just think I'm taller than everybody. Oh, oh, oh.

Is that not depth perception? I don't know. Am I? I don't know, I thought you meant like. Wait, what is depth, am I using that wrong? I don't know, what is? I think depth perception is like how far away something is

from what you're seeing. Oh, then what is it called when you think you're taller than everyone? Is that narcissism? That's called narcissism. Yeah. I truly think I'm taller than everybody. I dated someone who was six, three,

and we got into constant arguments because I'd be like, I'm taller than you. And he was like, that's fundamentally not possible. And then like we'd be outside and I'd be like, I'm taller than you. And he was like, that's fundamentally not possible. And then we'd be outside and I'd be like, look, right now, I'm looking down at you. And he's like, you're on a hill. And I'm like, okay. And I'm sitting.

But my butt is big, so when we were sitting, sometimes I was taller than him. And I'd be like, look at the picture. I'm taller than you here. And I'd be like, look at the picture. I'm taller than you here. I mean, I think that might be not a bad thing to have confidence, you know what I mean? Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. I thought I was taller than my boyfriend until we walked past a window and I was like, oh, he is taller than me. And I'm in like platforms. I was like, okay, this is weird. And then when in like platforms. I was like, okay, this is weird. And then when I told him, he was like, wait, what?

He's like, I'm currently looking down at you. And I was like, what? He's like, I'm six, seven. What are you talking? Wait, so your current boyfriend, sounds like you guys are very happy. I do, yes, I really like him. And I'm so happy for you.

Thank you. But are there things about him that aren't, like in terms of your criteria before him, are there things about him that are different? Yeah, I thought I'd end up with someone taller. He is taller than me, but I thought I'd end up with someone who's like really, really tall, like a real BFG, if you remember the Roald Dahl book.

Woo hoo! I'm confused, what? Roald Dahl? You don't know Roald Dahl? Oh, Roald Dahl, okay. I'm confused. I simply don't know what you're talking about. Which happens a lot.

Okay, so Roald Dahl wrote a lot of children's books. And he wrote one called The BFG, which is the big friendly giant. So I thought I'd end up with a BFG, a big friendly giant. Yes, yes. And yeah, I guess. But it also... Now, when you first met your boyfriend before you were together, were you like, oh, he's...

But he's like shorter than I like... Or was that not even a thought? No, it was like a non-starter. I... Because he had his height on his profile. And then when I saw him, I was like, oh, he's very, very cute. And then he started talking and I was like,

oh, he's interesting, I think. And then I like left our date early because I was like, I'm mysterious. I'm not, I'm not mysterious. Like, I don't know why I pretend like, I'm mysterious. I'm not mysterious. I don't know why I pretend like I was just like, I have to go. It was like, oh, OK. And I was like, no. And it had been like three hours.

So it was like, yeah, we all have to go home. Right. So you're still thinking of like, I got to be like, like perfect in a way. Yes, trying very, very hard. And then he was like, I didn't think you liked me in the beginning. And I was like, oh, I just didn't know you. But now that I know you, I'll never leave you alone. I love Jackson at all times. Ooh.

Jackson the dumbest shit too. I'll be like, I have a thought. And he's like, okay. Yeah, yeah. Did you, when you met your wife, was there things that you were like, oh, I thought I'd end up with this but I didn't end up with um She well she was she's Korean mm-hmm and I'm Korean yes, and I never thought I'd be with a Korean woman

Why cuz I never had been with a Korean and my parents really wanted me to be with a Korean woman Therefore I could not be with a Korean woman. Therefore, I could not be with a Korean woman. But then you ended up making them happy. I did. They were like, this is the gift we wanted. But yeah, I had never been with a Korean woman. She had never been with a Korean guy before. And it was just like, it just totally worked.

You know, and I'm not saying that that's like, you know, you must be with your own race. No that's what I'm hearing. Stick to your own kind. But that you know that was something that was like oh this is you know I didn't expect but that was great. I didn't think I'd be with an actor. I would never be with an actor. I would never be with an actor. I mean, you always hear, don't be with another person. And, you know, and, but it just, I think for us at least makes it so much easier, you know, yeah. Okay, real quick, we gotta take a break.

Wait, how long have you guys been together? You've been together for a solid amount of time. Yes. Seventeen years now. Eighteen years. Yeah. That's a long fucking time. Do you have any advice for longevity in a relationship? Well, I don't know if this is advice, but I do think it's a sign of a good relationship that can last as if you laugh. I mean, that's like cliche, but I think- No, it's not. I've been on dates where there is no laughter happening.

Oh, really? Or the only laughter is from me being like, well, I'll make myself laugh. Yeah, that's not good. No. That's not good. But when you're with each other after 10 years, 12 years, you know, 15 years, it's like you want that to still be there, you know, to make sure, my wife's really funny,

so we're always laughing in the house. What else? You got it. Hold on, do you think this joke is funny? My boyfriend doesn't. Okay, so say it is, you think, hold on, do you think this joke is funny? My boyfriend doesn't. Okay, so say it is, you saw someone at the end of December and then you see them again, like January 3rd, and you're like, I haven't seen you since last year.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Do you think that's funny? Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good.

He was like, he was like, it's not a joke. But I was like, it is a joke. Ha ha ha! I think the way you're describing it is really funny. If you were to have done it in real time with me, I may have been like your boyfriend, like what? Wait, what? Ha ha ha!

Okay, keep going. But that's another thing. It's like he clearly allows you to be you. Oh yeah. Yeah, and that's like, you gotta be just yourself. You can't be like insecure about like, well, I mean, you're not quite there yet cause you're still not like. I simply won't poop.

No poops happen here. No poop zone. Oh yeah, but you don't live together. So when you live together, that's gonna be a real challenge. You're gonna have to run to the Starbucks everywhere. I mean, yeah, I do live close to a Starbucks. That would be so wild if I left every time I had to shit. He's like, so you're just never home?

Oh my God, just shit, I got Starbucks again. Wait, what was, so laughter and then what's the other? Laughter, just being yourselves, you know, and being free to be yourselves. And then, I mean, this is all, you know, everyone knows this. to be yourselves. And then, I mean, this is all, you know, everyone knows this, giving each other space to do your thing and to grow. You know, gotta grow together, but you should also be able to grow apart as well, you know.

I think those are know. Simple. I think those are good. Simple. It's nice and simple. Yeah, yeah. It's all simple. It's all very simple, I think. Which is funny because I don't think it's simple at all.

I think relationships are so complicated. It's so hard to get somebody. It's so hard to be like, I like you. It's so hard to be vulnerable. Yeah. Vulnerability is very tough for me. Oh my gosh, yeah. I would rather die than tell someone how I feel.

Like truly just like drive off a cliff and be like, hey, I like spending time with you. But I'm trying to get better at that. Like I tell him all the time, I'm like, I like spending time with you. And I'm sure he knows that, but like I just want to make sure he knows. But also maybe it's just me who needs reassurance,

and I'm like, do you like spending time with me? Do you like me? You like me, right? I'm nice? Do you do it though in the... Because I'm picturing you saying, I like spending time with you at a funeral or something. Like in the most not like... Do you do it in a setting where it's like, you know, sweet and romantic and you're looking at him and you're like, I like spending time.

Or are you like just kind of randomly spurting it out? It's kind of random, but a lot of the times it's he'll drop me off and then he'll be like, all right, good night. And I'm like, kiss good night. And then I'll look at him and go, I like spending time with you. Bye. And then you'll run in the house and take a shit. That was a close one. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! as often as you do, but it's not mad yelling. It's just nice yelling. I just love raising my voice. And then he was like, yell at me for real.

And I can't yell. I don't know how to like, yell mad. Well, have you guys gotten into a fight? Not a real one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've just had like miscommunications where I say something and he says something and I'm fully not listening and I'm like, no, no, no, no.

This. And he's like, yes, I understand what you're saying but this is what I'm saying. And I'm like, yeah, but what about what I said? I have a question. Have you gotten into a fight in any relationship? Oh yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, I dated one person where we were fighting by like the second month and I said I better stay in this long

Really stay here I'm not right about a single thing and you're very opinionated Yeah But this is nice cuz like it's just, we talk. And it's really, it's very strange. Yes, yes, yes, that's good. Blows my mind. Yeah. We have come to the end.

Is there anything that you wanna promote? Uh, no. Yes, you do. Florida Man is out on Max. Whoa. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. Give me five stars on Apple Podcasts.

And if you write me something nasty hitting on me, and we are running low, so please submit to whywon'tudatemepodcasts at gmail.com, I will read it. Nicole, I want you to chase me through a mall, and then I'm naked and super hard and my boner is slapping back and forth like a broken Atari joystick. Wow, specific. When I run and my balls are so full of semen, is that where it's stored? That it's hard to run fast and I duck into a sharper image and you find me hiding and you hand and the hand warmers, what? Oh, you find

me hiding behind the hand warmers and my swollen balls are so scared because they don't want to be drained And then I scream but then you zap me with a laser and I wake up Shrink-wrapped to a table naked like in Dexter only it's you oh and you rub your wet puss all over my balls and cock and they Explode over my shrink-wrap body and my balls aren't scared anymore But they are empty And then everyone sees us and they get real horny. And one of the employees asks us to leave because we're still in a sharper image. And then you buy me a really nice airplane neck pillow that has Bluetooth earbuds in it.

I didn't know neck pillows had Bluetooth. Yeah, I didn't know. That's pretty cool. Learn something new every day. Randall, thank you so much for being here. Bye bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer

Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsey Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye.

That was a Headgum podcast.