Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Date Long Distance (w/ Demi Adejuyigbe)

Episode Date: May 17, 2019

Demi Adejuyigbe (The Late Late Show with James Corden, Punch Up The Jam podcast) joins Nicole to discuss how he found love on Twitter, how to successfully date long distance, and at what point you should tell your Tinder match what you're into. Plus, Nicole reads some embarrassing opening Bumble conversations. Venmo $13 to @electrolemon. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! What a dream. What a treat. Oh, it's another luxurious episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you don't wash your balls, I'll put them in my mouth. Oh, no. Oh, that's called desperation. My guest today, he's the co-host of Punch Up the Jam and a writer on The Late Late Show with Mr. James Corden. You better believe we got Demi if you eBay. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

Ify eBay. How do I say it? Adiju eBay. Honestly, I might change it to Ify eBay. That's so nice. Adiju eBay. Yeah. Oh, Demi Adiju eBay.

Yeah. You said that like, oh. Oh, it's easy. I just knew I had to get to the end, which was eBay. I was so worried when you, the way you said cord and I was like, oh, you're going to mess up all of the last names. Wait, I didn't say his last name right? Well, you said Mr. James Corden. You started as if you're like, I don't know if that's correct.

And I was like, oh, okay, it's going to be a challenge. I'm very bad at names. Easy ones. They're hard. Easy ones I'll fuck up. Yeah. Someone will be like, my name is James Smith. And I'll be like, all right, on tonight's episode, we got James Tiff.

I just, I'm bad at it. I had to do this TCA thing. It's like the Television Critics Association for Netflix. Yeah. Where I had to introduce the cast of One Day at a Time, which is mostly Spanish descent names that are long with letters that I'm not used to being together. Yeah.

And I butchered everybody's name. I feel like even when I'm confident that I know someone's name, I will avoid saying it just because I'm like, I will get it wrong. You are absolutely right. When I have someone entering a friend conversation, I will not introduce anybody.

I wait for them to introduce themselves. That's smart. And then I go, oh, dang, I'm rude. But it's not that I'm rude. It's a ploy. It's a cunning move. Because I might forget your name in the moment. Yeah, I love pulling a, hey, man, and just not, yeah, never saying their name. I try to always say, nice to see you again, if the person has a smile on their face that indicates that we have met before.

But sometimes I say that to perfect strangers, and they go, we've never met. And I go, tee-hee-hee, you've got a face that I remember. The other day I went to an escape room with some friends. White people? Some of them, yes. Because of escape rooms, that's fair. And they introduced me to someone, and I was like, I can't tell if I've met this guy before. And I just said, hey, good to see you.

And it became clear that I had not met him. But good to see you, I feel like, is enough of a, it's like, could have been good to see you for the first time. Yes. Or the second. Yeah. Or the third. Or never. Yes. Demi. Hi Yeah. Or the third. Or never. Yes.

Demi. Hi. Are you single? I'm not. You're dating someone. I am dating someone. A man? A woman?

A woman. Where did you meet her? We met on Twitter, funny enough. Twitter? Yeah. Did you slide into her DMs? She slid into yours? Or was it an open communication for all to see?

It was, funny enough, it's a little of all three of those. So I first met this woman five years ago on Twitter, and we had been friends for ages, and I just thought she was so cool and was just like a huge fan of hers. And then three years ago, she came to L.A. for the first time, and I was like, hey, you're in L.A., let's get a drink. And I was just so nervous and so dumb and just was like hey uh you're in LA let's get a drink and I was just so nervous and like so dumb and just being like oh I'm just gonna going into this being like I'm meeting a friend

it'll be fun and then we got a drink and I thought she was so cool and I thought oh I really blew that I fucked that up and so I walked away being like ah okay well she'll never talk to me again but then like we kept talking every so often and then then this past Thanksgiving, there was a crazy thing going around on Twitter. This woman, Nicole Cliff, started a thread. Not, yeah, different Nicole. Okay, not me. She had started like a Twitter thread talking. She does a lot of things where she'll tweet out like crazy questions

that people wouldn't usually answer in public. Okay. And she did one where she was like, if of the people that you follow and that follow you back, if you could date any one of them and you weren't in a relationship, who would it be? And everyone was like, why would I ever answer this question publicly? And she tweeted out something being like, that thread going around is a nightmare because all of my crushes live like oceans away from me.

And I responded saying like, that's very funny because if I had the balls, you would have been the first person I tagged. And then she slid into my DMs to be like, Hey, I've had a longstanding crush on you. And then we just like started talking back and forth and got very excited. And then, uh, she told me that like, when we met up in LA, she was like, yeah, I'm going to meet this friend. And then when she left, she was like, wait, I actually really, I felt like that was a great time. And she kept thinking about it. And so we text each other about things that we were like, just watching for at different points in time. And like, she got into BoJack Horseman kind of just so she could talk with me about something. And I like kept asking her for PDFs of things that she was working on. And then

like over Thanksgiving, she was like, what if I come and visit you and then she did and so we started dating and she still doesn't live here yeah she lives in New Zealand oh yep wow yeah that's very long distance it's the longest distance and so you guys started dating in November yeah Thanksgiving our Thanksgiving yes do they have a Thanksgiving? They don't, which is why it was sort of convenient for her to visit, I guess, because it wasn't a thing that she had prior obligations for. Fair. Yeah. Do either of you have plans to live on the same coast?

Yes. Yeah. We've talked about it, and she will probably be moving here in September, so that's nice. Yeah, and I'm going to go out and see her and live with her for moving here in September. So that's nice. Yeah. And I'm going to go out and see her and live with her for a while in July. Wow.

Yeah. What a real fucking fairy tale. How nice for you. Is this your first long distance relationship? No, that's the other crazy thing. It's my second long distance relationship of like three serious relationships in my life, period. Where was that person? Australia?

Might as well have been. Utah. Oh, Utah. The Australia of America. Truly. Yeah. Was she Mormon? Her family was Mormon, yeah.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. And how long did that relationship last? Just under a year. And were you long distance the whole time? What do you think is helpful for people in long distance relationships to do? I think it depends on the distance

and I think one thing that's helpful for us is having like a finite point at which it's like, hey, here's what we're working towards of like okay well we know that we won't have to worry about the distance thing at this point yes or like having some sort of plan for knowing when we're gonna see each other next or having a thing that you can do long distance like I don't know with with my first long distance relationship we would occasionally like watch movies at the same time and like text each other through them which was fun but also very stressful because it's like the timing of it I was always like well this will fuck up at some point uh-huh yeah and then this

relationship it's just like knowing how much is the proper amount to communicate long distance and like I don't know just figuring out how to make it so that you every time you see each other you don't feel like you have to fit so much stuff into that time. So I feel like every time I saw my partner in that first relationship, it was a lot of like, oh, well, I'm only here for a weekend. We've got to do all of this stuff. And this time, because I knew that that was so stressful, I was just like, I just want to hang out with you.

And it's a lot less stressful and nice so i've never been in a long distance relationship because uh spoiler i've never been in a real relationship uh the only long distance thing i've ever been is a best friendship yeah uh my best friend lived in new york where i was in la so we just it was hard to like make phone time yeah because like we're in different time zones. I mean, it's only three hours apart, but 12 here is 3 a.m. there, and we have jobs and shit. But yeah, communication, I think, is a real key thing to keeping something alive. I feel like it's even harder with a friendship because you can kind of not talk for a while and still have it be like, yeah, we're still friends.

But with a relationship, it feels like you really have to like keep it a certain well this friendship is sick yeah it's my best friends this year

like we have a very sick relationship where we love each other and it's codependent oh I've listened to a lot of this podcast I know all about you

and Sashir I love it well we're starting a podcast together and it's wild I can't wait. It's not on HeadGum. Oopsies. You didn't have to say that. I'm cheating on HeadGum. Oh, no. So wait, you've only had three major relationships in your life. Yes. Yeah. Two were long distance. One was someone

one was local. Yeah. In L.A. OK. Yeah. When how old were you One was someone that was local? Yeah, in L.A. Okay. Yeah. How old were you when you had your first relationship? I was 20. Oh, God, I should remember this way better than I do. That's okay. I want to say 22.

Okay. Yeah. How long did that last? That was the one that was under a year. Oh, yes. Sorry. It's hard to remember all this stuff. I know. There's a lot of numbers going around. Too many numbers. Three, yes. Sorry. It's hard to remember all this stuff. I know.

There's a lot of numbers going around. Too many numbers. Three, one. Well, you're confusing yourself more. Let's get rid of all the numbers and just remember 22. 22. Why? Oh, because that was the issue.

I made it way more confusing. I'm sorry. No, no. I get it. It's fine. Let's see. So have you been on the apps at all? Oh yeah.

Oh God. Unfortunately. Yes. Which ones were you on? I was on Tinder and I was on Bumble both for a while. Bumble is how I met the person that I was dating in LA for a while. Okay. And Tinder is just like a nightmare for everyone.

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I've legit met no good people from Tinder. I feel like that's almost a universal experience to which I'm like, why are we all still on it? I think it's because you're like, well, if I close that door, no one can walk through that door. Yeah. And I'm a house with a lot of doors. And any way someone gets in is a good way.

I think that's an apt way to put it. Yeah. I don't have good luck on Bumble because I will message men and then they let their time expire. I was going to say, is it harder on Bumble to be the person who has to send the message? A little bit because i feel like men are all about numbers like like i feel like dudes are always like huh yeah to fucking online dating bro it's a fucking numbers game that is exactly what i would do you just

gotta keep swiping yes and then like some fucking hot chicks gonna walk into your life to suck your dick forever i i said that exact thing in that exact voice. Did you close one eye when you did it? Yep. Yeah, that helps the voice get pushed out. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not having a great time on the apps. When you're on Bumble, do you have a go-to message that you send guys, or is it always something different?

I try to keep it spicy, keep it different, keep it fresh. Yeah. I can read to you some things i have sent gentlemen well this is the most recent conversation i've had with somebody i'll read the whole thing to you because it's not going anywhere so he had a picture of him with a dog in a backpack yeah so i said you always got a dog in a backpack. Yeah. So I said, you always got a dog and a backpack? He said, only if they fit. She's a big girl now. So I said, she cute, not as cute as me, but very cute.

What's her name? Then he said, LOL. Facts. Her name's, I won't say it. She says, hey. I said, tell her I said, woof, woof, bitch. I'm being really funny yeah this guy's giving you nothing yes and then he said i got you she just said rough rough and gave me a weird look

i said haha even though it wasn't funny this is crazy because it feels like for him to respond at all seems like he's interested but for him to give you nothing it's like he has never been on this app before or any app yes and a lot of men give you absolutely nothing i've had very few men like have actual conversations with me and like ask me something yeah like the lamest thing is like how was your weekend but usually i will tell them exactly what i did all weekend and be like how was yours and then sometimes they'll be like good i'm like well that's the end of that right but here's more of this thrilling conversation what you up to this weekend i said okay well today i had a doggy play date with my friend i haven't seen in a minute then tomorrow brunch and a dinner with a friend

and then sunday i don't know yet you he said love a good play date this dog could use more she loves to go hiking uh my weekend hopefully will be chill yet productive. No specifics. So then I said, I saw Spider-Man, that Spider-Man movie last night

after a bottle of wine. Very good, very funny. And then he was like, yeah, good movie. A bottle of wine usually makes any movie better.

I was like, yeah, wine makes everything better. Then he goes, you make everything better. And I said, you don't know me. This guy feels like he's texting a co-worker just being like i have to update you on everything he's not giving you shit this is well here we get to the fun part he said i mean i think you know a little laughing my ass off pretty sure you've made me laugh before i said oh yeah he's like

all my gay friends love you and i said yes gay men love me and he's like everybody all my gay friends love you. And I said, yes, gay men love me. And he's like, everybody does. And that's it. That's where we've left off. Yeah, that very much feels like he just wanted to be like, oh, I'm in a conversation with Nicole. Yes, which sucks. And then you better believe Kyle let our connection expire. Tyler let our connection expire. Ash let our connection expire. Alex let our connection expire.

Abel, with a dumb name name is lucky I swiped yes on him weekend isn't it he let it expire and then I feel like when you're a guy on Bumble letting a connection expire is like a just a crazy thing to do but also just like almost a rude move for you to like like it's if someone messages you it's like it's so much of a hump for them to do that on any dating app that for you to be a guy who is like you've been given the first step off and for you to still be like i'm not gonna do this is pure laziness i just don't understand if you're on an app where women get to talk to you first like why not just be selective yeah it doesn't make sense it seems like you're still being fucking greedy. Although, I'm going to read you

this man's profile because it's wild. Okay. 5'10", 165 pounds. I'm a doctor and a baller. Not a player.

Ivy League graduate looking for intelligence and beauty. Also looking for a rock climbing partner, surfing buddy, or golf partner. I've been on almost

30 flights this year. Is this the same guy who was sending you all those things? No, no, this is a brand new man that I found who's a piece of trash. Yeah, he doesn't seem very fun. 30 flights? Why would you write that? Who cares? I don't know.

You don't give a shit how much you've been on a plane. Like, 30 flights. Also, where? Also, were they connecting, bitch? Oof, yeah, are you a cheap ass who had to buy like... Did you have to connect in fucking Atlanta? 30 flights is a thing to brag about. It's like, that guy's got nothing else for him to mention.

I mean... To even start with, I'm 5'10". And then go into, I'm a doctor. And then a player. It's like, I've run out of things three sentences in. Yeah, I mean, mean i just i think best case scenario is like i guess i just like i don't know hit someone with my car yeah and then like we exchange our information and we fall in love yeah that's how you do it you want to meet cute i'm out

here driving crazy i think you gotta do that i think you gotta set up some traps for people accidentally hurt themselves in uh i think you gotta you gotta you have. I think you gotta set up some traps for people who accidentally hurt themselves in. I think you gotta... You have a dog. Start walking that dog. Let them loose someplace. Let a handsome man catch that dog. And then... My dogs would never come back. Okay. They're bad dogs.

Never mind. Don't do that. They would run... I mean, the little one would eat a coyote. What about a very long leash that a man can get tangled in, or a woman can get tangled in? Okay. And then you're like, oh, I'm so sorry. That's Charlie.

He's such a little rascal. And it's like, oh, that's funny. My name's Charlie. And then I go, I can't wait to fuck a man with the same name as my dog. Yeah, exactly. And I go, oh, Charlie. And then he's like, and I'm like, not you, I'm coming. That's a great story that you tell as a toast on your wedding.

Yeah, I'm like, guys, you'll never get this. My new boyfriend, his name's the same name as my dog. And when I come, I yell Charlie and they both come. He comes and then my dog goes, is a treat here for me? The treat is the cum. Have you ever cheated on someone? I have not. Have you ever been cheated on?

I, not to my knowledge, no. How do you like a blowjob? Wet or dry? Are you running through a list of like choice options? I probably wet. Okay. Yeah. Do you like sandals

or closed-toed shoes? Closed-toed shoes. I do not like feet. Shorts or capris? Ooh, for me or for a person that I'm romantically interested in? In general.

Okay, shorts. Hat or free-ballin'? Ooh, well, I'm wearing a hat, so it seems like a lie for me to say free-ballin', but free-ballin'. Well, I'm wearing a hat, so it seems like a lie for me to say free ballin', but free ballin'. Okay, watch or no watch? Again, I'm wearing a watch.

I feel like you're just looking at things on me and being like, do you like this or do you not like this? Teeth or no teeth? I'm going to go with teeth all the way. I assume you're talking about a blowjob. Oh, gross, you like a toothy blowjob. I like a wet, toothy blowjob. I just like the textures. I want it to feel like when you put your hand in a box and then someone's like, guess what's in there?

But with my penis. I've never liked those. The boxes or the teethy blowjobs? The toothy blowjobs. Whenever someone's chewing on my clit, I get sad. No, the box. When someone is like, put your hand in the box. Because I feel like it's always like wet noodles.

It's always something dumb or something that they want you to be like, isn't that freaky? And you're like, no, it's just rubber. I don't give a fuck. It's like slightly misted rubber. I know you've never been in a real relationship. Sure haven't. But have you been in any scenario where someone would have done something

that you consider being cheated on? No. Because we were never exclusive. And then when we were exclusive, that wasn't a real thing either okay so yeah i've never been cheated on do you think that you would ever actually that's not a great i was gonna say do you think that you would ever cheat on someone but yes okay no i don't think i would i love talking so much so i think i would call them up and be like listen uh i don't know i think i would. I love talking so much, so I think I would call them up and be like, listen, I don't know. I think I would talk to someone before I actually, like, did.

Yeah, that's smart. Also, like, I don't know how I would ever cheat on somebody. What do you mean? I don't know how I would ever cheat on somebody. Oh, because you've never been in a position to do it. Well, no, because, like, what, on the road? I'm not fucking any of these people on the road. I have yet to meet anyone on the road.

Which to me is crazy that you aren't. I feel like that's just when you do it. Well, I'm a lemon. I know, but like you go out on the road, you're on Tinder, and you're like, look, I'm a fucking famous comedian. Someone wants to get their dick wet. Well, a lot of people think I'm catfishing. Ah. Like I went to a show. Went to a show show i was performing a show uh i can't remember

where maybe it was kansas city and i was doing a bit where i was like is anyone here on tinder and this lady shouted she was like someone's catfishing you here and i was like what and she's like i was swiping and i saw you someone's catfishing you here and i was like god bitch i'm here you dusty idiot every time I listen to this podcast and you talk about being on the road or doing a show someone inevitably yells why is this like a thing that

your audiences are drawn to I don't know we have to take a break and we're back. That was such a long break. I know. Those ad reads are too dang long. Yeah. I don't know.

My therapist seems to think I have an openness to me. I don't know. People love yelling at me. It's a thing that happens. You have an openness that draws you into being yelled at at your own shows. Yeah. That's unfortunate. Sometimes it's people's first shows. I don't know. Here's own shows. Yeah. That's unfortunate. Sometimes it's people's like first shows.

I don't know. Here's a question. Yes. Do you ever think, do you think you've ever been in love? No, I think I've been infatuated with somebody. I think I've lusted after people, but I don't think I've ever been in love. How do you think that you would know when you found the difference? People keep saying that love is easy.

Hmm. That seems like a not true thing. I mean, like a relationship is work, but loving someone is easy? Yeah. No? That makes sense. Yeah. I feel like I am very quick to fall in love with someone.

But I also, it's like, yeah, maintaining the relationship aspect is always the hardest part. So I guess that makes sense. I've been infatuated and, I mean, I've only been invested in one person where I was like, oh, I genuinely like this person and I'm invested into where this is going to go. Yeah. But I've never, like, I've never, like, truly been in love. Sure. uh but i've never like i've never like truly been in love sure there was this one dude i dated for a little bit where it ended and i was like why why i was fucking perfect why and he's on episode something it was this guy named nick i had him on because i truly was like why this guy why yes

yeah because i was like i'm i'm very interesting? Why? Yes. Yeah. Because I was like, I'm very interesting. I'm fucking great. I have had that feeling before. And it's the worst thing in the world to realize that sometimes there's nothing wrong. They just either aren't into it or just don't want a relationship. There's nothing. I feel like to this day, there are things where it's like, even though I've kind of let go of this person, I just all the time, I'm like, I don't get it.

You liked hooking up with me you liked me what's missing and it's just like I don't know and I've had a lot of men say that there was no spark that they got a friendship vibe from me and I'm like well how

do I become unfriendly yeah that's I feel I feel like it's a universal experience that men often complain about where it's like, they just wanted to be friends with me or whatever. And that's like, it's not as bad as it seems, but also I wonder what that's like for a woman because is it more insulting to have a guy tell you that they just like you more as a friend?

Yes, because to me, I mean, it be like have a guy tell you that they're just like oh like you more as a friend yes because to me i mean it feels like reading between the lines it's like oh you don't find me sexy you find me because like i don't think you find your friends sexy sure i got sexy friends i mean i got some pretty sexy friends but i think in that aspect where they're like, I can't fuck you anymore. We're friends. Yeah. It's like, oh, so like I fucked you wrong? Or like you didn't find me sexually compatible with you even though I made you come and you had a good time?

Yeah, I just think when a dude is like, I got a friendship vibe from you, I'm like, oh, so you're like, I'm not sexy to you. And I know I'm like a goofy person and like I'm not going to wear like 90s and I'm not like. Sometimes I think that's what it like when it would happen to me, I would think the same thing of it being like, oh, I just was too much of myself. like oh I just was too much of myself and a lot of that is just being goofy and not being like trying like I'm trying to impress this person even though I was but also just trying to be like things are fun I don't fucking know what to do

and it eventually becomes into like oh I like you you're so fun let's hang out more and then it's like alright but do you want a date it's like oh no no no which it's very confusing and very annoying and I try to be like up front, like, I guess like three, I think it's, I think lately it's been like three dates and I'll just be like, I like you. Yeah.

Just so it's out there. And then you can make the choice to say I like you back, which I think is like, okay, that means we're like taking a step into like something maybe. is like okay that means we're like taking a step into like something maybe absolutely uh but then i've like told dudes i'm like or people i've been like i like you and i've i've just heard a oh okay that's okay it's that putting yourself out there thing that's so scary about it though like if you say i like you you're sort of giving like they have to respond in some way and i feel like that's why in my head'm like, just don't do anything that forces them to meet you, like, in some place. Well, because it's very, you're, like, exposing a little bit of yourself. Yeah.

And that's really hard. Yeah. Being vulnerable is a... Unless you're Louis C.K. Oh, well, Louis C.K. loves to show a little bit of him to people. Yeah. I wonder what he's doing right now. He's, ugh, I heard he's dating someone that I'm like, why is this person doing that?

He's dating like a French woman or something like that, I think. Yes. Where she's like, a classipande is different. I don't know. That was my French accent. In France, when you expose yourself, it is a sign of respect. In France, when you expose your dick, you say, You treat the penis like the Egyptian treats the cat.

I don't know what accent this is. Jamaican now? I don't know. I have a question for you because I'm the interviewer now. Great. How often do you meet people in person that you try to pursue a relationship with I try to go out with everybody who asks do you ever turn people down or are you ever just like I'm not into this yeah yeah oh there's a lot of people who um well like I went

through a phase where I was swiping yes on everybody and oh there's this one man on instagram who keeps dming me his phone number and then a picture of him in front of uh like the sony record label sign oh wow and just like hi meet me and then that picture and then his phone number and that is it a man named ralph he keeps messaging me he says says, you're blunt. And then he'll send me my pictures and be like, damn. This feels like it is a bet he's made with someone to be like, what's the least amount of effort you can put into getting a date? He just sent you a photo that's like, this is kind of impressive

and not something I could have taken on a trip. But also he lives in Atlanta. And I'm like, is Sony in Atlanta? I don't think so. That's so weird. Has anyone ever gotten a date off Instagram? Because I feel like every woman I know gets people sliding into their Instagram DMs from strangers. And it's like, do men think that works?

I feel like I know someone who might have. But I'm honestly not sure. This man, James, we matched last year in March he said hey looks like we matched want to get to know each other and then he said are you gonna talk to me so I said probably not he said okay wait is this on Twitter sorry this is on Tinder okay and then he sent a smiley face with one of my pictures and then in November he said looking good and then this March a full year later all I said I'm probably not going to talk to you yeah I have a picture of myself doing a split and he just wrote limber Jesus so he just made the transition to Instagram being like all right well

I'm gonna figure this out I guess yeah my girlfriend wrote a piece ages ago about how often men will just like respond like constantly send messages without getting the responses and how it's like they'll be persistent for years and I still don't understand the psychology behind it like because if you break a woman's spirit enough and she gets desperate enough maybe she'll answer you and then you'll fall in love and have some babies ever gone out with someone after a series of unresponded to messages no huh what do you think is the most like the thing that you have been like this is awful why would you ever do this but you've still gone out with that person um I've never gone out with anyone

uh well there was this one guy who we matched i was very up front that i was like i'm just into fucking and he was like okay and then was like sexting me and i was like hey since we made a date tomorrow to have sex we don't need to do this and he was like oh okay and then he like messaged me and was like hey i'm home earlier than i thought i was like, oh, okay. And then he messaged me and was like, hey, I'm home earlier than I thought. I was like, great, I'll be there in 30 minutes. And he was like, really? And I was like, yep. And then I got there and he's like, this has never happened before.

And I was like, okay, well, whatever. And then he tried sexting me the day after. And I was like, hey, I truly don't like to sext. We could fuck again if you like, but this is not what I'm into. And then he was like, got the message. I was like, all right. He may have unmatched me. I don't remember.

Do you think it was for him? He was like, well, I kind of need the sexting part. Maybe, but like... If you made it clear, then why would he even do that? I said it twice. Also, we already fucked. So, like, why do we need to sext? Here's a question that I, like, the entire time that I was on Tinder, I never really got the hang of this.

But at what point do you make it clear what you're looking for in a Tinder match? If someone messages me and I find them vaguely attractive and I'm looking to fuck, I'll just say it. Yeah. But is it like you'll say it like the second message will be like, hey, do you want to fuck? Yeah. Let me find his conversation. I'll tell you exactly what I said. Oh, wait.

Maybe he. Oh, no. Here it is. He didn't unmatch me. OK. Oh, my God. So much back and forth. OK. So happy Friday. how are you good how are

you doing great blah blah blah my friday's been chill what are your weekend plans so it took like eight back and forth before i was like uh i don't like sex dig if you want to fuck let's fuck so yeah within like 10 minutes of our first conversation, I was like, let's just have sex. You got to be upfront about it. Yes. I feel like I never got the hang of it. And then ages after I was off Tinder, someone was talking about it and just being like, I don't know. At some point, you just go like, what are you looking for on Tinder?

And I feel like I'm so stupid when it comes to relationships. That clicked in my head and I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I could do that. But I don't know. like oh yeah I guess I could do that but I don't know I I think that even if I was ever single again god forbid I don't think that I don't want to be I feel like I'm just sticking a knife into you I get it I don't want to be either I just I'm so sorry I'm now thinking like do I have any single friends that I could set up Nicole with no it's fine people promise me so much on this podcast and not one person has followed through. Yeah, I was going to say, I heard Matt Ingebrigtsen's...

He sure fucking did and I've seen him since. I said, where he at? He was like, oh, blah, blah, blah. I was like, suck a dick. Wow. Well, I'm sorry. It's fine. People make lofty promises and cannot follow through.

You're on a series of dates. Which one's the best one? Or the one that you were like, I like this the most? I like Hinge. Hinge is good. Okay. I've met up with the most people from Hinge

and they're the most civilized people so far. Why do you think that is? Huh? Why do you think that is? Oh, I have no idea. Just a coincidence. I don't know. Well, according to their stats,

it's because people go on Hinge to settle down. Oh, okay. I think everyone's like, not everyone's a little older. older i don't know i set my age range a little older so what's your age range i think it's 28 to like whatever oh just to like whatever the end is yeah sure i don't know if you're 110 years old with a rock hard dick and a nice savings account that's what you need i'll fuck you and i'll marry you and i'll take all of your fucking money and guess who's not getting any? Your kids. You should just set the age range

for what you want the dick to be. Ah, you could be 110 as long as your dick is 25. Yeah. You want someone with a dick transplant. Yes. Get a new dick. My age range on Tinder and Bumble

was always just like two years before whatever I was to like 55. And I never thought I would match with anyone that was that age, but I still was just kind of like, let's see. Yeah, maybe an old lady would take you away from all your sorrows. That would be great. I'm looking to get a sugar mama who will put me on a yacht and just... I mean... All I got to do is give her her Valtrex in the morning.

Her Valtrex? Who's that? I picked an old person sounding All I got to do is give her her Valtrex in the morning. Her Valtrex? Who's that? I picked an old... Or an old person sounding medicine. What's that? What's a Valtrex? I don't even know. I think it's herpes medication.

So actually, I'm going to go with Ativan, which is... I also don't know what it does. It's not... This is a... What's Valtrex? Valtrex? I believe it's a herpes medication.

It treats cold sores around the mouth. You were correct. I was correct. Valtrex is for the cold so a herpes medication. It treats cold sores around the mouth. You were correct. I was correct. Valtrex is for the cold sores. Have you ever gotten a cold sore? Probably. Not in any... I don't remember if I have, but it seems like a thing that I would have gotten.

Have you ever gotten a cold sore? We all have them. That's... What, herpes or cold sores? Everybody has herpes. It's like HPV now. Yes, because some strains are visible, some strains are not. Everybody has fucking herpes.

It's time that we de-stigmatize herpes. Everybody has it. Everybody has HPV. We're all nasty little sex monsters. This is a new bit you're testing before saying, so anyway, I got herpes. No, I don't have visible herpes, but I'm sure I've been exposed to

it. Yeah. I've kissed a whole bunch of nasty ass people. Sure. I'm just looking for one nasty ass person to kiss for a while. If you were to get married, what color tuxedo would you wear? Color tuxedo. Ooh, that's a great question because I wouldn't want it to be a black tuxedo, but I feel like it has to be, right?

No? I got a red tuxedo once when I got to go to the Emmys, and I thought it looked so good, but then I also was just like, everyone else is wearing black. I feel like a fucking asshole. No, no. I think if you got married in a nice burgundy tuxedo, that would be nice. Yeah. Then all your groomsmen can be on burgundy as well if you got married would you wear a white dress if i got married i absolutely would wear a white dress okay i would wear the biggest dress i could fucking find i can't wait to get married i'm gonna have a big stupid wedding yeah where all my male friends have to be in drag so my in-laws understand what the fuck

they're stepping into i love that which is a real fucking circus um and then if he had uh ladies on his side i would want them to be in drag as well drag kings uh and then i don't really want like a ceremony or anything. Just like a fun time where we're like, where we jump the broom, which is like an old black people thing. And then a party where there's an open bar and I get my dress real nasty and we have a good time. Yeah. I've honestly put more thought into my funeral than my wedding. Really?

What would your funeral plans be? Well, I've mentioned this on the podcast before. I have a will. It's all in my will that I need to get notarized. But I want to be buried in my favorite wig. I would like googly eyes placed over my eyes. I would like my sister to hit the casket when people came by. So the googly eyes jiggle. I would like to be in a lilac coffin with flames on it um i would

like to be in something slutty with sparkles yeah i would like my friends to be wearing my clothes so you want people to walk by and be like damn i wish i got to fuck her when she was alive well we're getting there okay so i gave sashir the names and numbers of the men i want to come to my funeral to talk about my pussy. Oh, that's great. But only the good stuff. Keep it light, keep it fresh. I'm dead. Well, now I'm thinking you gotta do a thing where, like, someone puts you like, under for a bit so

that you can be anesthetized and just be at your own funeral and hear what people have to say about your pussy. Ah, but like, when I wake up, people would be mad. I think so, but also think of all the good testimonials we'd have and that you could pass on to be like, hey. I don't know if I'd have any friends after faking my own death and attending my own funeral. Okay, maybe you should.

I want to figure this out. Maybe you should only invite the people that you'd be okay to not have a solid friendship with afterwards. Okay. But people that you fucked before and who could attest to the power of your pussy. Okay. And then you gather all those testimonials. You put a lot of money into a commercial. Okay.

That's like, here's what people, critics can't stop talking about Nicole's pussy. And it's like all these guys being like, I'm so sad Nicole's gone, but that pussy was terrific. But then when I'm alive, everyone's going to be like, you put so much money into this fake death in these commercials? Yeah, but someone's going to see that commercial and be like, whoa, she must have the greatest pussy of all time. I mean, I have a podcast where I scream about how great it is.

I know, but it's coming from you. You need it to come from someone else. Ah. Ah. Yeah. I've always thought that Tinder bio should be other people's recommendations. Hmm. Yeah. I've always thought that Tinder bios should be other people's recommendations. Huh. Yeah.

Well, I've read Tinder bios like that where I'm like, ugh, that's fucking cheesy. It is cheesy, but I'm saying if there was a way to actually make it for real where it's like, yeah, here's a Yelp review of everyone this person's fucked. But then I get concerned that they're fucking people with enough time to write a Yelp review about them. Sure. You know, I'm not done with my funeral arrangements. Oh, I'm sorry. I did rudely interrupt you. Please continue, though.

Then I have specific instructions for each of my dear friends what I need them to do with my ashes. Okay. So you are getting cremated after all of this. Oh, yeah. Please don't put me in the ground like that. I don't want that. No, I want to go on trips and stuff. Okay. So you are getting cremated after all of this. Oh, yeah. Please don't put me in the ground like that. I don't want that. No, I want to go on trips and stuff. Okay. Where to? Well, I haven't put anything specific, but everyone has something specific to our friendship. That's nice.

I feel like my idea of what I want for a funeral is just for everyone to like, I don't want sad beat. Like I don't want sadness. I just want everyone to have fun and maybe play a bunch of videos that they can like of me that they can laugh at. I've always thought it would be very fun to just have a montage of me saying things like I'm never going to die over the course of my entire life. And then play that at my funeral. So people are just like, this is really fucking weird. Why did he do this? I think that's pretty funny.

I love it. I think you's pretty funny. I love it. I think you should do it yourself. I might. And then just put it unlisted on YouTube and give someone the, like, just record yourself in different outfits, in different places, just screaming, I'm never going to die. Cut it all together. Put it unlisted on YouTube. And then each year add on to it. So like you're getting older as well,

but it's always on the ready. I love that. Can we start that right here? I'm just going to, on the podcast be like, just, okay, I'm going to live forever.

So a little bit of that video will just be blackness. If you say I'm going to live forever, it'll be like, why won't you date me? Podcast 2019. Yeah. I've always, I wanted to do a thing where it's like,

I set a video to auto post on Tumblr and like September, like the day after my birthday or something. And then it's like every year that I don't die, I just change the date up to be one year. And then when I do die, I won't be there to change it and it'll just post and it'll be like my video will. And it'll just be a compilation of me saying I'm never going to die.

I'm going to live forever. Honestly, I think that's very funny. I think more funerals should be funny. They should be bits. It's like, why? Why are you going to cry? That person can't hear you. They're dead.

Yeah, don't save all of your nice things to say about me for when I'm dead. I want my funeral to be people shit-talking me, being like, yo, honestly, now he's dead, we can say he sucked. He was a piece of shit. So I can air my grievances here? He owed me $13 the entire time I knew him.

Who do you owe $13 to? I don't yet, but they'll be there. Well, today, you know what you gotta do? Give someone $13? Go home and request $13 from someone on Venmo and never pay them back. Nicole, can I borrow $13? Yeah, sure. What's your Venmo name? It is at ElectroLemon, I believe.

It is not, actually. I don't know why someone's going to get $13 from listeners. If someone has the Venmo ElectroLemon, send them $13. Damn it. And then tell them why and then Electra Lemon please screenshot all of that in the, you know, at me on Twitter, at Nicole Byer. Or never

tell them why and then they just keep getting $13 from strangers. The ultimate scam. Imagine it becomes like a big news story that he's like, I amassed a million dollars on Venmo from anonymous people. That would be incredible. And I think it's under X amount of dollars

because it's individual donations, so I don't think you get taxed on it. Damn it. Because I don't think you're taxed on GoFundMes because it's small increments that are being donated to a large sum. I think I could be wrong. If you are a lawyer, let me know.

You can either email me at bagandcansave at gmail.com or just tweet at me. Sure. And you'll just believe that they're a lawyer if they say it. I don't know. I asked if birds can drink clouds. They can't. A couple people said they were scientists and birds cannot drink from clouds.

Why would they be able to drink from clouds? I don't know. There's moisture in clouds and I thought maybe birds are up there so they could just like open their little beaks and sip. I don't. They can't. The thing is, I can't tell you why that doesn't make sense. But also, in my head, I'm like, that's ridiculous. Well, did you know that we can scoop moisture from clouds and make it rain in places?

I didn't know that. It's called cloud seeding. So I'm the fool here. No, no. I say wild things and then go, is it real? Yeah. And then someone was like, it is. I mean, truly, I'm just really curious about the sky.

Yeah, because what's up there? Yeah, like can we scoop heat from the sun? What are they getting? Can you scoop heat from the sun? Can we scoop heat from the sun? And I know the sun is like a burning ball of fire, so like, no, you couldn't get to the sun, but can you get close enough to the sun to scoop some of the heat and bring it back down to earth to heat homes for the homeless i want to say no because i don't think you can scoop heat from anything i feel like like if you got just a hot like plate you can't take the heat from that okay i guess you're right i guess you can't get close to a fire and trap heat right all right but okay but if you put your hands around the canister it might keep it hot whoa

okay i don't think i don't think that works at all no no scientist or nothing no uh and neither am i obviously well demi i'm sorry to put this conundrum in your head it's okay but we've come to the end oh here. Here's a question. Yep. Would you date me? I've thought about this for so long as a fan of this podcast. I don't think I would. I've only come here to give you bad news, it sounds like.

No, no. I have a justification. What are you doing? What are you getting out? Get a knife out. Your what? I'm going to get a knife and I'm going to cut it. Why do you have a knife?

I'm going to cut myself. Okay, don't do that. I'm just kidding. I don't have anything in my bag. I was going to say, you're emptying this bag to the point that I just figured you did have a knife in there. No, I just have whiskey. Oh, you're going to drown your sorrows. All because of me.

And I have tequila. Do you want one? Yeah. Do you want tequila or whiskey? You give me the one that you would not like. Actually, I'll take tequila. Okay. And I caught it.

Okay, so you won't date me. Why? I have listened to enough episodes of this podcast to know that I think you and I... You just downed that entire thing. You do not have anywhere to be. No. I think that we are very similar people. Okay.

I think you and I are both like very goofy people who are just like I think that we are both in a way and I guess I didn't make this clear before but it feels like my approach to love is so often like whenever I'm in a relationship I'm just kind of like oh my god I can't believe that you would want this and then I just like lose myself entirely and like give myself over to that person and so for us to both do that it feels like just a very dangerous parasitic thing for a relationship and then on top of that I am so bad at relationships that I recently went through some trouble with my girlfriend and at a point was like oh we're gonna break up and that entire time I was like I'm not dating for a year after

this because I have clearly not figured out how to handle a relationship and I don't think that's good and then plus the notion of you having this podcast means you are a very open person which would give me a heart attack to think about being like all right so anything I do could potentially become fodder that I have to like reckon with and it's like that's not a problem but I don't think I'm the kind of person who can handle that sure well I mean not that we would ever date but I wouldn't talk about you if I actually cared about it or not actually like if we got to a point where I was like we're in this committed thing I wouldn't talk about you yeah I just I think your personality is a lot more open than I'm used to,

which scares me, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's just, to me, I'm like, you have to get more comfortable with people being open. That's how people should be.

So. And it's very curious that you say open because I also don't think I'm very vulnerable. Yeah. And it's interesting that there's a full ass difference

between being open and being vulnerable. Yeah. I think I'm way more open than I am vulnerable, which is so weird. I don't know. I feel like I'm just now learning to be vulnerable, but I can only be like open in context where it feels like like a scenario like this, where it's like I'm here specifically to talk about something that I would not be usually open about or a scenario where it's like, oh, I know that I'm like coming here to talk about a thing for the purpose of trying to like be emotional.

But when it's just me, like I don't go to places like that very easily. So I think dating someone who does and is like very comfortable talking about like sex and themselves in a way that I'm always just like, oh, I'm clutching my own like collar being like, oh, penises is just like, I don't know how I deal with that. Oh, you're fantastic.

You'd be upset all the time. I would. You seem to be a lot more like my sister. My sister. So I was in Nashville and I had a great time with my Twitter friend, Gary, and I got dropped off at my hotel at 6 a.m. And then my sister called and we were on the phone and I got dropped off at my hotel at 6 a.m., and then my sister called, and we were on the phone, and I was like, hello? And she was like, you sound terrible.

What happened? I was like, oh, well, I drank a lot, went to a drag show, went to another bar, went to these boys' house. We talked till the sun rose. We did things, and it was a good time. And she was like, 6 a.m dios mio are you all right are you okay i was like yeah i'm fine i'm just i sound hoarse i'm fine so yeah my sister's very much like straight and narrow i can't fathom ever coming home past 8 p.m yeah i think you

two would get along great maybe but i also feel like as much as I am like a pearl clutcher when it comes to doing anything like that, I am also just like, I feel like I'm brash and loud sometimes. I'm just not, I just, whenever I'm presented with something that I'm not used to, I just sort of sink to this place. Although I will say, when my friend first introduced me to your podcast and I was listening to it, I realized you asked that question every time. And I kept going like, oh man man I want to go on the podcast because I think I would date Nicole and it's not no I'm only saying this to be like it is it's not that you in any way are

a bad person because I think you are a fucking catch and it's crazy that you aren't having suitors like knocking down your fucking doors all the time it's just that over time I became aware of my own flaws and was like, ah, no I couldn't. Fair.

I just wanted to give you an honest response. I just thought about something. Drop it. I'm on antibiotics and I probably shouldn't have had that whiskey. Oh no.

Nicole. Does it throw off the whole antibiotic? I mean, again, I'm no scientist, but yes. Oh, dang it. I don't know.

You have to, maybe you should take some probiotics to level it out. Well, it's a Z-Pak. I don't know what that means. It's five pills or six pills

that you take over the course of five days to knock out like a respiratory thing or like a cough. Oh, wait. I'm also on that. You're on a Z-Pak as well?

I don't think a Z-Pak, but I went to my doctor about like this weird nasal drip thing I have. He's like, I'm going to take these for the next few days. Well, it's because of the super bloom. Is that why? It's the super bloom and the poor air quality in LA that's making everybody sick. I knew this city would kill me one day. Marissa, can you Google what happens if you drink on a Z-Pak?

I'm looking for antibiotics in general. It won't necessarily negate the effects of it, but it may make you feel sick. Whoa, it says three skulls? It says fatal? That's crazy. That's a bummer. Oh, boy. Well, I won't drink anything else today.

But you know me. I got ADD. I'll probably forget. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Oh, I was like, no. And then I was like, wait, I do a podcast on this very network in this very room. Punch up the jam. Punch up the jam.

Yeah. My comedy podcast where we talk about popular songs and their lyrics and then do parodies of them at the end as if we're fixing them. It's a fun time. Check it out. Oh, and wait, what were you about to say? And the Late Late Show with Mr. James Corden. And the Late Late Show with Mr. James Corden, for which I work. And The Good Place, for which I used to work.

Oh, well, there you go. And which you were on. I was. I played Gwendolyn, the happy male lady. I loved that role. You're so fun. Thank you. That was a very fun role.

male lady. I loved that role. You're so fun. Thank you. That was a very fun role. If you like this podcast, you should subscribe on iTunes. And if you leave me a nasty ass reveal, I'll read it. So this person said, this was a DM

on Instagram because I do read most of my DMs. Hey, Nicole, love the podcast. Wish you would zip tie me to a folding chair, take a seat, and let my cock soak in your puss

while you watch every season of RuPaul's Drag Race. No bathroom breaks. What? So it feels like they just are like, all right,

I'll write a gross thing and then put my penis in there. Yeah. Some of them are very intricate. There was one where someone wanted to this one really stayed with me. Someone said they wanted to

put me in a handstand, fill my vagina with clam chowder. I saw that one, or I heard that one. That one was bad. That one made me upset. That feels like, it's like Mad Libs but for your pussy. Yeah, truly.

I want to dip you in a can of tomato sauce and spin you on a helicopter blade and then put my dick in the pilot's mouth. And then he's going to fuck you. In this scenario, I'm dead. Well, now hold on. It's a slow spinning blade. All right. Well, Demi, thank you so much for coming. Hey, thank you so much for having me.

Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.