Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to get Banned from Tinder (w/ Eleanor Bray)

Episode Date: May 10, 2019

Eleanor Bray (Nicole's old assistant!) comes on to discuss what it was like working as Nicole's assistant, how she got banned on Tinder, and the musicals they've performed in. They also share their love for pole-dancing, and Nicole manifests her dream man. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single Even though I will let you stick your fingers in a jar of peanut butter And then into my pussy

Oh, I'm running out of these. My guest today, she does improv all around LA and the biggest highlight of her life was being my assistant for a very short time, Eleanor Bray! You're also in my phone as

Maybe Bray. Yes, because you never saved my number. No, no, I did. I saved it as maybe Bray. Oh, you literally saved it as maybe Bray. Because I thought it was funny that my phone suggested maybe Bray and not Eleanor? Yeah, I don't know. Lots of people call me Bray. It's really weird.

Really? It's not a name, right? No, Bray can be a name. Sure. I think it could be a name. White lady. Yeah, sure. So I think Bray could be a nice white lady's name. Okay. Great. I don't know, but your name is Eleanor.

It is. And you're the best. Ah, thank you. You were, okay. What was it like being my assistant? It was honestly great. Really? Yes, of course.

I really thought you were going to be like bad. It was awful and I hated it. Why would I say that? I don't know because I might be a bad person. No, no, no. No, no, no. I have been the assistant for many people thus far in my lifetime. And you were a lovely person to work with.

You really don't have that many demands. Well, I did have you set up Terminex to come to my house. And then Terminex has contacted you pretty regularly for two years. Yes, I get a lot of calls about your termites and sort of updates. And, you know, it's good for me to stay informed. I love to know how your termites are doing. So thank you. Have they stopped contacting you?

I think at this point, yes. I mean, I haven't gotten contacted since the last time I texted you being like, LOL. Then we put a stop to it. And the lady on the phone was arguing with me. Really? Why? She was like, this is not the number that set it up, the account, we can't take this number off. And I was like, I am telling

you to just take it off, please. It's so, it's Terminix. It was a whole thing. You killed termites, like just change the number. They do more than just fight termites. I'm so sorry. I had a little mice problem, so a man named Zach came over. Zach the rat catcher.

And Zach was kind of attractive. Oh, okay. So I kept going upstairs and putting on more and more makeup. And then being like, tell me about these rats, Zach. And then I was like, what are you doing? This man is dirty and like digging looking for rats and I'm just like yeah catching rats with his bare hands don't you want this yeah turned out he didn't and you're better than that no offense to him that's a steady

job also he was married okay I clocked a ring the fourth time I went upstairs to put on fake eyelashes. Yes. Because I was doing things in stages because I didn't want him to be appalled that I put on a full face of makeup. Just slowly would come down in a wig. Yeah. Then came down with a contour. And then I put on lipstick and then saw the ring and was like, well, I just wasted a lot of today. Did he get your rats or mice?

He did get my rats. Turns out there was none in the house. They were going through the house and leaving. So they weren't inside. Just passing by. Just two ships in the night. It's because I have a passion fruit tree. Oh, they like that tree.

Who's ever eaten a passion fruit? I think I have. Have you? I have no idea. I don't think anyone's ever eaten a passion fruit? I think I have. Have you? I have no idea. I don't think anyone's ever eaten a passion fruit. I don't know. And I have this dumb tree in my backyard and I got to figure out how to get it gone. Are those the fruit that look like big avocado pits? Yes. Yes. I have eaten one. You open them and they're goopy. Yeah, yeah. There's a woman, I also work at a yoga studio part-time right now, and there's a woman who comes in every time she brings us passion fruits from her tree. Because nobody wants them.

So strange, yeah. It's such a strange gift. I want an avocado tree. That I can monetize. Anything else, really. Come on over, bring a bag and a dollar. Take as many avocados as you want. Nobody wants passion fruit.

No, yeah. Eleanor. Yes. I know that you're not single. That is correct. How did you find your man? We met on Hinge. Wow.

We met on Hinge. I, yeah, I thought his profile was very funny because the photos he included were like a selfie very clearly taken in like an airplane bathroom. And then that exact same photo just cropped closer. And then a photo of an Italian greyhound dog in a turtleneck. And then a video of him with like this cute little cat like rubbing up against him. And I was like, okay, this person is either criminally insane or they're very funny and they're sort of, you know, taking this whole dating app thing lightly and trying to have fun with it.

And luckily, it was the latter. It's very funny, yeah. That's nice. What was on your profile? I don't know if I truly honestly remember. I'm sure it was a variety of hot, hot pics, perhaps some funny jokes. I do know that shortly before I met my boyfriend on Hinge,

I had been on Tinder, and then I was banned from Tinder. Whoa, wait, what? How do you get banned from Tinder? Well, I think the normal way is like you're being inappropriate and you're creeping people out, which I was not doing, I hope. I hope the reason— Okay, so this is the series of events that occurred. I had been on dating apps for a while, and I was sick of just posting super hot, thoughty pics of myself. I was like, yes, I'm very attractive, but that doesn't like fully express who I am.

I want people to know that I'm like weird and whatever. So I wanted to put something funny up. So I did like a screen grab of an eBay listing for the glasses that Neo wears in the Matrix. And I had that as my last photo. And I was like, any dude that I'm going to want to date is going to be like, that's kind of funny. Because it was like, yeah, a bunch of kind of like normal photos of me, like with my friends and whatever. And then just a photo of Neo's glasses from the Matrix. And I was like, that's really funny to me.

And then immediately I was banned. from the Matrix. And I was like, that's really funny to me. And then immediately I was banned. And I think that they thought that I was trying to sell something,

which is so wild that I'm like peddling Neo's glasses. That's so, that is truly so funny. So I was banned. Someone at Tinder was like, ugh,

this girl's trying to sell Neo's glasses from the Matrix and I can't break the sanity or the sanctity of Neo's glasses. Exactly. Oh, that's so funny. I love that so much. So that drove me to hinge. Wait, they didn't even give you, like, a warning?

No, it was like, I tried to log in, and it was like, oh, you've been banned. And I contacted them being like, but why? And they were like, sorry, once you're banned, you're banned for life. Wow. Yeah, I can never get on Tinder again. But what if you give a different email address? I think, yeah, if I did that or like I had originally signed up with an email, I think if I signed up through my Facebook or something, I could get it back.

But I don't need it back now. That's a real treat. Yeah, that wild. They gave me a warning. They didn't just ban me. So I had a picture of Guy Fieri. Sure. Someone had photoshopped me tiny hanging onto a burger he was holding.

Yeah, yeah. Which I thought was very funny. Very clever. And then they took it down and they said it violated terms of service. Because he's like not you? I guess, yeah, I'm trying to impersonate Guy Fieri, but I'm like, sorry, I'm Gal Fieri. I'm a whole different entity. That's wild.

It is. It's so wild. It's so stupid. But also it's just like, I have one picture of Guy Fieri and you think I'm trying to catfish people into thinking I'm Guy Fieri. Yeah. There's so many people doing worse things on there, too. Yeah.

I have men who message me once a week and I haven't responded. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. It was back in the phase where I was swiping right on everybody. I was like, let's see who sticks. But right now, ooh, baby, I'm in a phase where I don't want to date. Oh, you are? Yes, I had my feelings hurt.

Oh, no. And the wounds are still fresh. Oh, Nicole, I'm so sorry. And I look in the mirror and I go, nobody wants this. And then I cry a little bit and then I start my day. No. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

It's the way of the world. And that's what dating sorry. It's okay. It's the way of the world. And that's what dating is. It's getting your feelings hurt. And I guess I wasn't ready for that. Yeah, dude. It's wild. I had my heart broken like a gazillion times before I met my current partner. How long have you guys been together?

Almost a year. Oh, congratulations. That's nice. I was crying at the gym the other day. No. One, because I really don't like being at the gym, but I was on the road. And when I'm on the road, I get a little lonely. And then going to the gym kind of like helps endorphins happen.

And then I was like walking on an incline, pretending I was hiking. And that was really, I was just like, this is soline pretending I was hiking and that was really I was just like this is so hard and I hate it uh and I started crying and then I was like I had a towel and I like patted my face and then I took the towel away and there was three children and I was like what at the gym yes and then I was like uh well stop crying these children can't know you're weak so then I like stopped crying I was like oh is this the universe being like buck the fuck up life is fine and then they they went away and then i was like did i just imagine children and then for a hot second i was like am i crazy yeah but i don't think i imagine these children

you're so sad you're like hallucinating your future children just being like why mommy why mommy why did you never find daddy? Exactly. Oh God, no. Because it's hard. Yeah. I don't know. So you're not, are you like casually dating at all or you're not at all?

Yes. Okay. Love that. I went on a date with somebody who I thought was very cool. Yeah. We were supposed to go out again on Thursday, but I'm a little sick. Yeah.

Yesterday. Yesterday was Thursday. Sure. I'm sick, so I canceled. And then I'm supposed to go on a date with somebody on Sunday, but they're not drinking, and I was like, ugh.

That's tough. Like, I gotta talk to you sober? I don't fucking know you. Yeah, that's tough. That's tough waters to navigate, I feel like? I don't fucking know you. Yeah, that's tough. That's tough waters to navigate, I feel like. Yes, and I said it was okay, but I might be like, talk to me when you're drinking again. Oh no! Talk to me when you're at your rock bottom!

But also, we've met before. Okay. We met at, so my favorite ice cream place is Ample Hills Creamery. Yes. I love it. And they had an opening party when they opened in la they're on hillhurst they're in an old house is very is very cute um i think it's like hillhurst and i don't know it's across from like you rustic so go there okay uh so we met at the opening of ampleple Hill's Creamery and he messaged me he was like we

met at the opening of Ample Hill's Creamery it did not go well will you give me another chance and I was like yeah sure whatever oh my wait how did it not go well do you remember I don't know I guess he'll tell me in person I didn't ask okay okay but I'm sure it was just like hi I'm whoever and I was just like oh hello and then he didn't say anything else okay I don't know yeah I would hate to think that like I threw my ice cream at him

and I just don't remember you gotta let me know if you go on the date I'll let you know I'm gonna go cause I've been trying to say yes but like

like on Hinge I haven't been sending anybody likes yeah I've just been waiting for the likes to come to me yeah also Hinge does a really

mean thing where they have a page where they go, no one likes you right now. Really? You've never seen that? Oh, God, no. If you look at your likes and nobody likes you, it's like no likes here. Why would that be what it says?

Who wrote that copy? I don't know, but it feels like a real attack on me as a person. That's really bad. But it's okay. It's also like this is reality. Nobody likes you right now. No, it's not. So you've been together for almost a year. Yeah.

You don't live together yet. No, we would like to, but I have like a lease moment. It's just hard to get out of a lease. How long is your lease for? Well, just until September. So then we're hoping that that will be the time. That would be nice.

Yeah. To cohabitate. Have you ever cohabitated before? No, not with like a boyfriend. This will be the first. He's the first person I've actually wanted to live with. Wow.

I know. I can't believe this is happening to you at 21 years old. I'm not. Yeah. You texted me earlier because I posted something on my Instagram that was like, on this day, like nine years ago, I got into college. And Nicole was like, aren't you 22?

And I was like, what? I didn't know whether or not to be like a little insulted or like complimented at my youthful glow or something. I think you look young and then you're cool. Oh, that's very nice. People do think that I look young. You do. Which I guess is like that will be good later on.

I will appreciate that. People spend lots and lots of money trying to look young. And you already have the fountain of youth. Thank you so much. With the acne to show for it. I also have terrible acne. It's so much. With the acne to show for it. I also have terrible acne. It's so hard. But you don't have acne scars.

Well, they're covered. I use makeup. I use a lot of makeup. Also, my acne's just been getting worse. I'm so sorry. It's the worst thing. Have your dermatologist ever suggested Accutane? No, because the side effect of Accutane

is trying to kill yourself. Very true, yes. And I am crying in the gym hallucinating about children. No, I don't think I need Accutane. I'm not here like being, like that's not why I came on the podcast. Are you on Accutane? No, but I've been on it twice. So maybe I'm

here to show that it doesn't really work since I still have acne, but I know lots of friends who have been on it and it's been the only thing that's changed their life. I'm okay with little bumps. I am too. Just as long as I feel like I'm thriving. Yes. I've come to the point in my life where I'm like, you know, I don't have perfect skin. Go fuck yourself.

And it's such a weird thing that society is like, good skin, straight teeth. It's so weird. Why? Yeah, and it's such a weird thing that society is like, good skin, straight teeth. It's so weird. Why? Yeah, and it's like a lot of people have acne, so why isn't acne like cool? Yeah, when is that going to become cool? Right? Well, maybe we'll have to make it cool. Maybe after big butts, acne will come into play.

Exactly. And then people will be like pasting prosthetic acne to their skin. Be like, I have acne too. Yeah, like I'm like relatable. I'm so normal. Yikes. Anyway. So when you were on Tinder, before you were kicked off Tinder, did you meet anybody good?

Yeah. I think I like sort of dated a couple dudes for a couple weeks. I went on maybe four or five dates with a handful of guys from Tinder. And it was pretty good, but I think the thing that I realized that I was doing on Tinder was I was strictly dating men because I thought they were hot. And then they're so boring. And one of them got mad at me because I like made fun of him for liking Coldplay. And I was like, oh, he can't

hang, you know? I was like, you're just like a pretty boy. That's so wild that he was like, I like Coldplay and you're like loser. And he was like, ugh. No, I'm not. You kind of are. Yeah. I'm like, just laugh at your, like I like Justin Bieber. It's fine. I can laugh at myself, you know? Okay. I love this one Justin Bieber It's fine I can laugh at myself I love this one

Justin Bieber song We could be homeless We could be hungry We could be poor We could be broke As long as you love me That's a good one That's a good album

I love that song But yeah So I definitely I dated around That's a good album. It is a bop. I love that song. Yeah. Woo! But yeah, so I definitely, I dated around. I did the LA thing on Tinder. And then I realized I need to stop dating just based on the hottie. Mm-hmm. You know? What is a Coldplay song?

The Clocks? The Clocks. Yeah. Coldplay songs, it's like a lot of arpeggio. Like a lot of like, da-na-na, da-na-na, da-na. You like a lot of arpeggio, like a lot of like, you know? What's arpeggio? It's like a music thing that's like the notes. I was just about to be like, I learn every day.

What's arpeggio? The notes? The notes? No, like the way the notes like skip in the thing. Oh, okay. Sure. I know what it means, but I don't know how to articulate it. I think you did it when you did the da-da-da-da. Yeah, exactly. I grew up taking voice lessons. Did you?

Yeah, so that is why I know what that word means. So you grew up riding horses and taking voice lessons. Yes. I was a big like musical theater nerd when I was growing up. What musicals were you in? Oh my God, I was in Rent. Yes, who did you play musical theater nerd when I was growing up. What musicals were you in? Oh my god, I was in Rent. Yes, who did you play? I was in the chorus. Did you watch Rent Live?

Yeah. Did you like it? Wait, did I? No, I didn't. I don't know why I just lied to you. I just looked in your eyes and I lied. I didn't. I was thinking of Jesus Christ Superstar. I watched that one live. I didn't watch Rent Live. I wish I had. It is wild. I'm sure itstar. I watched that one live. I didn't watch Rent Live. I wish I had. It is wild. I'm sure it is.

I feel bad for them. Didn't they have to air the dress rehearsal? They aired the dress rehearsal. That's sad. And they kept saying it was the dress rehearsal. And I was like, the dress rehearsal is a performance. Well, yeah. Although I will defend them a little and say in musical theater, there's always, there's

the little saying of if you have a bad dress rehearsal, it means you'll have a great opening night. As I'm sure you know, yes. So maybe, maybe we can give them that. But also it's probably going to be bad either way. I mean, I don't want to like truly bad mouth it because a lot of people worked on it. Yeah. And a lot of work went into it. Live theater is so hard.

But Tinashe kept looking down the barrel. And I was like. Ugh, Tinashe. I was like, is there a prompter in there? Does she not know her lines? And I'm not coming for you, Tinashe. No, she's great. I like you, Tinashe kept looking down the barrel. And I was like, is there a prompter in there? Does she know I know her lines? And I'm not coming for you, Tinashe. No, she's great. I like you, Tinashe.

Too on. Great song. Yeah. But also, I watched it twice. So I guess it's safe to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. I just love Rent. Yeah, it's a wild show. It's one of those ones that you love it or you hate it, I think. And I love it because I was love Rent. Yeah, it's a wild show. It's one of those ones that, like, you love it or you hate it, I think.

And I love it because I was in it. It's great. What else were you in? I was in Bye Bye Birdie. Me too! Really? Yes. Oh, my gosh.

I was in the chorus of Parents, and we got to sing Kids. Kids today. It's a great song. Yeah, I was in, I think I was in the chorus of that too. But I was one of the kids, not tiny kids. But yeah, I wasn't an adult. I was in Honk. I don't know if you know the musical Honk.

It is the ugly duckling story. No. Actually a pretty good show. Highly recommend. Did you play a duck? One of my parts yes I had two parts I was

this I think she was a goose and then my other bigger part was I was this cat oh that had this fun little song I was a cat who lived

with a hen I don't really remember it I was in high school I mean sounds wrong it's not right. But if I know one thing. But then again, farms are wild.

Farms are truly wild. And all the animals are like, well, we're friends here. Yeah. I think there was supposed to be this underlying kind of like lesbian theme in me and the hen's relationship. Because she got really jealous when I fall in love with the male cat. With like the tomcat. Oh, yes. And a hen is a woman.

Yes. And you're a female cat. And I was a little female cat. And she was like really mad that I was like leaving her for the tomcat. Pretty cool. I really love that a older woman probably wrote that. And she was just like,

how do I get out that my friend Sylvia got married? Oh, I'll write about a hen and a cat. Exactly. What other shows was I in? Oh, Guys and Dolls. Okay. I was also in the chorus of that. I was in the chorus.

That's sad. I really wish I had more starring roles. In my mind, I'm the star of all of them. It's okay. Yeah. Starring roles, I think, sometimes are overrated. I agree. I think, do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race?

Not regularly, but I did watch last night's episode, if you've seen it. Of course I agree. I think, do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race? Not regularly, but I did watch last night's episode, if you've seen it. Of course I have. So that is the only episode I can really speak about. Well, in the acting challenges, the person who has the least amount to do is usually the one who wins because you pop in. Yeah. You're very funny. Yes. You pop out.

Give me a cameo anywhere. Yeah, I love that. Ooh, that's where I thrive. Yeah, I was in a production of Urinetown in college. I was Little Becky Two-Shoes, and that is that type of part. I had, like, one song. I got to play a pregnant girl. What's not to love?

I mean, isn't that the dream? That's the dream. To be a little pregnant girl. Little pregnant girl. Pop in, pop out. Yeah, boom. And then say, I'm going to have this baby. We have to take a break.

And we're back. What a real treat. Let's keep talking about musicals. Yeah, why not? Well, this isn't a musical. It's what the fans want to hear. What? I said it's what your fans want to hear.

Absolutely. They're like, nothing about dating. Musical. So it's not a musical, but I was in The Laramie Project. Oh, yeah. That's a serious one.

Very serious. It's about Matthew Shepard. If you don't know it, look it up. It's a real downer. A gay man gets murdered. That's like what your theater director,

how he presented it to you. She, laying sunny. I'm so sorry to you. She, lame, sonny. I'm so sorry. She. And there were so many people in drama at the time that instead of doing it the way that it's supposed to be played, it's supposed to be played by a company of like six people. They play multiple parts. Everybody had a part.

And I played the narrator. And usually the narrator's part is broken up between different people. So I couldn't just learn my lines because there was no response to my lines. So I had to learn the whole dang play. Holy crap. It was a lot. And it wasn't a starring role. It was just work.

Yeah, that's tough. And I didn't get to act because it was just like, and now this happens. And then this happens. Gosh. But you know what i'm thankful yeah you learned the story for the opportunity yeah i i just remembered actually a good musical theater story which is that i was in like a regional theater uh production of high school musical in which i played taylor who in the movie is the African-American woman.

But because I grew up in Portland, Oregon, where there are no black people. They are. Yes. I'm so sorry. It's just highly segregated. Yes. It is a very racist city. And yeah, so I was Taylor.

And yeah. Did they put you in blackface? Dear God, no. Oh, my God. That's a step towards goodness. Could you imagine? No. I mean, yeah.

Like, I, yeah. It was fun. Portland's racist in a way that, like, you don't really notice it until you're like, oh, I did a show at this theater on Martin Luther King Boulevard. Yeah. And I opened with, isn't it funny that this theater is on Martin Luther King Boulevard and there's not a single black person here? And no one left.

And everyone hated it. Yeah, it's... But then I learned that Portland was a KKK Mecca in the north. Yeah, Oregon is like, has a very racist history. And I think that a lot of Portlanders, because it's a very liberal city, they think they're really progressive. Yeah, but they need to fix their housing laws if they really want to be progressive.

Yeah. Because their housing laws are all fucked up. It's awful. Awful. And I feel like I need to give context when I say blanket statements like a city's racist. Because I said that Australia was racist. Oh, are people mad? On Twitter was like,

unfollow, unsubscribe. How dare you say that about my city? So I was just like, LOL, I was there. The hands were in my hair. Oh no.

Oh, Sydney, Australia. Beautiful. Yes, I'm sure. I could have gone to Santa Monica to see the same thing. Yeah. And I said that to someone

and they got very angry with me. But they kept touching my hair. Oh, God. And I was like, please stop it. And then I asked where the black people were and they were like, we sent them away. And I was like, don't say that to the black in front of you. Because they're aboriginals or black people and they displaced them. Yes.

And then I think for a while they had a law where like if you're half aboriginal, half like white Australian, they can remove you from your aboriginal family. Yeah, they're. So like homegirl, you want to come for me? Come for your fucking country. Yeah, there's a dark history there too. But I'm from Portland, so I'm allowed to say that it's racist. Yes, you are. Eleanor.

Yes. You gave me a gift. Oh, I did? Yes. I don't remember. Oh, the cupcake mug? No, you dumbass. What is the gift?

Did I give you a different gift? I guess if I say you gave me a gift and then I just pause and I'm very vague, I should fill in the blanks. Yeah, maybe. Pole dancing. Oh, yay. I've been talking about pole dancing nonstop because it's very therapeutic. Yeah. And I love it so

much. I'm getting calluses on my hands and my legs are all fucked up. I have so many bruises from class the other day. You are the person. I had taken a class like my friend Gilly had rented out this like class for a bunch of us to do

and then I did it and the teacher never really explained that it's a descent and you don't have to like us to do. And then I did it and the teacher never really explained that it's a descent and you don't have to like climb to do a fireman spin. And then I took a class with Veronica, our favorite Paul teacher. And she just really broke things down

in a way that like I loved. And she's also good at not making me feel bigger than like everybody else in the class, even if I am. I love that. She'll just give me like an adjustment in a very just like way where she's like, for you, I think this will just be easier and better and you could do the move and then you'll graduate into doing it a different way.

And I'm like, oh, thank you. And then she said this that I really loved. She was like, oh, you can't do that right now because your core is not educated. And I'm like, it's not a weak core. It's just a dumb core. Yeah, she is like one of those people that was truly born to be a teacher. Yes. She's so brilliant.

Yeah. And around the world were really hard for me at first. Yeah. If you don't know. And around the world, I don't know how to explain it. It's a move. It's like you move one foot and then you put a different foot there. And I was lifting my one foot before the other foot

was you were like hopping basically yeah I was trying to hop around the pole yeah and then she put a piece of tape on the floor and was like a foot is always on this piece of tape and I was like oh your mind was just blown yes yeah she's she has a way of like if yeah if we're all not understanding something she'll just say it slightly differently and then everyone's like oh and she's like what that's all it took and we're like yeah she is always flabbergasted but like it takes just a slight thing for like four people to be like oh yeah do it perfectly exactly the other day we were doing this move it was like floor worky I don't know it was like a squatted turn I don't have the best oh sure yeah so it was like a littleatted turn. I don't have the best knees. Oh, sure, yeah. So it was like a little hard for me. And then I gave up midway through, stood up and did a very big flourish at the end to pretend that I did it.

Yes. And then she looked at me and she went, you didn't do it. And I went, oh. I was like, did you know because we're in a room full of mirrors? And she goes, no, the flourish at the end, you oversold it. I love her so much. She's the best. You should have her on the podcast. You should have her on the podcast.

I should have her on the podcast. But I don't know. I'm really bad at boundaries when I meet new people. Yeah, you don't want to like scare her off. Yeah, and I don't want her to be like, you're a fucking freak. No, she won't think that. But I love her so much. She's so wonderful. Yeah.

I don't want to tell people where we go. Because then tons of people will go. And then I want people to get into my classes that I want to get into. But yeah, like, also I do like the level one. And there's like a hardcore group of like five or six girls who go every week. So I think it's more like a one slash one and a half. Oh, I'm sure it is. She adjusts based on who's in the class. It's so nice.

Yeah, so she's probably not teaching that class at a true level one if you've been going for a while. No, because they'll work on like the fireman, the sit, and then the swastika. No, what's it called? The sun wheel. Yeah. It looks like a swastika.

I guess. It does. Yeah. Kind of. If you put another person on top of you doing the same move. Then it's a full swastika. Yeah. For the listeners, your legs are sort of in like, it's called a stag.

It's like your back leg is sort of in an arabesque and your front leg is also bent. I don't know. I guess a swastika. If two people were doing it overlaid. Yes, it's half a swastika. It looks like a swastika. You know, that's slang for the people who are in racism. Yeah, people's overhip.

Oh, yikes. Swastikas are interesting. Oh, God. Like, who came up with that fucking design? It's weird. Well, I think, I mean, this is going to be maybe a white woman talking out of her ass. But I do have an anthropology degree. So I hope that maybe there's a little bit

of education behind this. I believe that it was originally a symbol used by Native American tribes. Oh, no. And it never had any negative connotation. It was like just a thing like, oh, this is our sign or whatever. And then it was adopted by the Nazis.

Dang. Something like that. And again, I very much apologize if that is completely wrong. and then it was adopted by the Nazis dang something like that and again I very much apologize if that is completely wrong if Eleanor is wrong please tweet at me yes please let me know

I don't want to be that like white bitch that's like actually I know but I do I'm very I'm almost positive that it originally

at least did not have a negative connotation and that the Nazis took it. They didn't like design it themselves type of thing. Honestly, that kind of falls in line with a lot of things that they did. Yeah. Oh, 100%. Yeah.

Did you know they stole art? I mean, yeah, sure. I believe it. Is that from that movie? Yes. And I don't know if it's true. I was like, wait, where have I heard that? I think it's a movie.

It's just a movie and I have no idea if it's true. I don't know either. I don't know either. I just said it like it was a statement that I knew. I have no idea. I maybe should know. I took a lot of sort of German history courses in college, but don't ask me a damn thing. I don't remember anything.

I didn't go to real college. Where did you go? I went to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. Oh, I didn't know that. They do not claim me as an alumni. Really? That's incredibly rude. They should.

It is kind of rude, but they claim Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Tyane Daly, Jason Derulo, Janelle Monae, even though she didn't graduate. Okay, rude. I graduated. Yeah. I have a certificate that says I can act and nobody's ever asked to see it.

Oh my gosh. Yeah, they don't claim me. But it might be because I say this school is a sham. Well, that could be a good reason. It's a real scam. Yeah, I wasn't going to say it, but I'm glad you did. The week before I started going, I was seeing my favorite musical, Taboo, which is a boy I know of it.

Oh. I don't know it. Like, I don't know the music. It's a great. Great. Please. Yeah. It was nominated for a Tony for Best Score, and it should have won.

It's a beautiful score. The book is a little messy, but it's a great show. Love that. Anyhoo, I was waiting for my student rush tickets and these two men in front of me were like, you mean scamda, not emda. And I was like, that's where I'm going. Then I got there and I was like, they were right.

But then I stayed and graduated. Yeah. You know. You make the best of any situation. A college is a scam. No matter where you go. It kind of is. And I don't know why we tell young people they have to go to college. Yeah, that they have to go. Yeah.

I mean, I loved college and I'm very grateful for the privilege and opportunity to go and get a good education. But I do think a lot of it is just like, why is it so expensive? Why are we forcing people to do this? Why do we look down on people who don't go? I mean. We don't go? I mean. We don't get any of that. I feel like we should tell people, you go to community college, get a bachelor's in business, open your own fucking business. Yeah, look at me.

I have a fancy-ass degree, and I don't know where the swastika came from. Yeah. And I'm on a podcast talking out my ass. You can't answer simple questions like, where did a swastika come from? Did you really get your money's worth at college? Exactly. My cousin loves smoking weed, and I was like, why don't you go to business school and open a dispensary? Hell yeah.

Or work in a dispensary, learn the business. I don't know. I feel like we should tell. I was telling this to my sister. I was like, I just want to get into schools and tell kids, if you want to be a drug dealer, you can be. She was like, I don't think schools will let you come and say you can be a drug dealer. But also, I'm like, be a plumber. Be an electrician.

Those are all things that people will always need. Yes. And like, oh, my gosh. I could never learn how to do those things. Me either. It's so complicated. It's very hard. I don't know how to toilet how da toilet work.

Excuse me. How da toilet work? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I just know that shit goes down and I don't have to deal with it. And I never, hopefully never see it again. Right? Yeah. Oh wait, is this your first long term relationship?

Oh no. I guess in terms of serious boyfriends, I dated someone for like almost two years in college. And then I dated another person for about the same length, like almost two years right out of college. And then now my current boyfriend. No high school boyfriends? I did, but it was only for nine months. And I feel like that's not really that long. But I mean,

at the time, it felt very serious. Like I was like, I'm going to marry him. I think he's gay now. Well, he was probably gay then too. Probably.

But he, but I actually don't know that. So again, maybe I'm talking out of my ass. But he's, if you dated Eleanor in high school, and you're gay, please let us know whether you're gay or straight and use the hashtag I'm talking out of my ass. If you did at Illinois High School, please let us know whether you're gay or straight and use the hashtag, I'm gay or I'm not gay.

No, he was wonderful. What's it like having a boyfriend in high school? Did you, like, hold hands in between classes? Yeah, I think we did. I was probably really touchy-feely, like, P. That's kind of like who I am. And I was probably a monster. I mean, I was like 17, you know, I didn't know how to be a good girlfriend. But he was great. I feel like he was one of, besides my current partner, like one of the only relationships where I like right in terms of, like, the reason we started dating is because we were just best friends. And we, like, he made me laugh so hard, like, more than anyone. We had so much fun together. And it was like, oh, this makes sense.

And then I went off and dated a bunch of hotties. And it was like, we have nothing in common. Like, why am I doing this? bodies and it was like we have nothing in common like why am i doing this when you say you like pda are you the type of person that will walk around with your partner with like your hand in their back pocket dear god no no i i like like to hold hands and like i'll kiss my boyfriend in public but i i'm not gonna like make out with him in public or like good that's nice but i like to like show you know if we're like at dinner and we're sitting next to each other and we have friends across from us,

like I'll put my hand like on his knee or something. Well, that's hidden. That's not public. Which depends on how high the table is. I guess it would have to be a very low table for you to see my hand on his knee. But yeah, I guess I'm not crazy about PDA, but I think it's nice when you can share with the public that you

have love. I think it's showing off. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. I know lots of people are like, I don't want to see it. You're in love. Well, I've just never been in the situation where PDA was... Part of the deal. Applicable. Sure. Applicable. I knew what you were

going for. Oh boy. boy applicable yeah i was in nashville and i was in a lift with a friend and there was two couples both making out on the side of the street i wouldn't do that and i thought it was just so weird that they were separately making out but like standing together so we rolled down the window and I screamed, y'all gonna fuck later. But then I started laughing midway through. So it just seemed like this large black woman

was leaning across her friend going, fuck! Because they all went, what? And then I couldn't stop laughing. And then we were stuck at a crawling speed away from them. And they were like,

it really backfired. But I giggled, and that's what really counts. Exactly. So if you're listening and a lady in Nashville yelled at you, it was me! One of my favorite things is yelling out the window of cars. Really? I love it. That's so funny. I don't know if I've ever done that.

No, most people haven't. Me and my roommate, if we see a hot man driving, we'll roll down the window and scream, Oh, yes, Daddy! Drive me home from soccer, Daddy! And sometimes we'll end up next to him and then we'll roll up the window and just look at him. Yeah, just pretend it wasn't you. And then sometimes they speed away because they hate it. Yeah. But guess what?

I'm having fun. Yeah, and again, that is all that counts. Is that harassment? I feel like as long as you're not yelling anything totally inappropriate, it's probably fine. Okay. Oh, no. I'm catcalling. Is this catcalling?

Oh, no. I'm catcalling. Is this catcalling? Oh, maybe. But is it like, is reverse catcalling? Like, can you really catcall a man? Oh, I'm going to probably get a lot of men being like, yes, I've been catcalled. And it was very uncomfortable for me. Well, I think it's the same thing with reverse racism. You can't oppress the oppressor. When a man catcalls you, I think there's a fear

that's like, oh, he could follow me home and like do something to me. Yeah, he can kill me, yeah. Whereas a woman, sure, maybe she could do something to you. Yeah.

But like, could she? Yeah. Not that women aren't strong. No, I think, and that I, of course there's abuse against men from women.

Abuse. I think you yelling out of your car is a safe thing. I've also never had the thought to follow anybody home. Oh, dear God, no. That's crazy. Why would anyone? That would be the wildest thought in the world.

Have you ever been followed home? I don't know. Yes. I'm sure you have. When I lived in New York, if I felt like somebody was following, I would just stop in the bodega, and the bodega people took care of me. Oh, that's nice. They were very kind.

I was followed home once in New York City as well. Oh, no. Horrifying. He followed me from multiple subway lines. Oh, no. Yeah, like from the Lower East Side all the way up to the Upper West Side. That's, oh, I hate that. That is scary.

That is scary. Don't do that if you're listening. Don't do that. If're listening Don't follow ladies Honestly, if you're following ladies, you're probably not listening to Why Won't You Do Me Yeah, that's fair I once woke up on the subway to a man masturbating With his little nubby dick out I think I was on the N train

I had fallen asleep And I looked at him and I went, ew But I mean if you must And I went right back to sleep Which in hindsight, bad Bad idea, yeah, but I mean if you must. And I went right back to sleep, which in hindsight, bad. Bad idea. Yeah, not great. I should have gotten off the train.

I agree. But I just was really drunk. You're tired. I'm tired. Oh, I was hammered. Because I never lived off the N train. You're just on it for some reason. I can't remember where I was coming from or going.

Sure. Oh, that's New York, baby. Yeah. Here's a question. Love it. If you were to get married, what kind of dress would you get married in? Oh, my God. You know what?

This is a hot take, but I don't think I would have a wedding. Oh. I'm one of those. Is that annoying? No, no. That's fine. Would you elope? Yeah.

Is that annoying? No, no. That's fine. Would you elope? Yeah, I think that we might have some sort of party to be like, we're married, come and drink and hang out with us. But I think the act of a wedding is just a lot of money that I don't want to spend on that. I would like to take that money and travel or really, I don't know, buy a house or something. I mean, that's smart. Yeah, I just, I don't know, buy a house or something. I mean, that's smart.

Yeah. I just, I don't know. I'm not religious and so I don't need the ceremony. There's so much money. And when I hear my friends talk about them, all they talk about is how expensive they are. So I'm like, well, I don't need that. So I think I'd have like a party and then maybe I would wear a cute dress at the party. I want a wedding. Nothing crazy.

But I also like don't ever think, unless he files for the marriage certificate, we're never going to be legally married. Sure. I will forget about it. There's no way I'll ever remember to do it. Yeah. Every year in March, or no, April,

the beginning of April, I will try to get medication filled. I will give them my insurance card and they'll go, this isn't working. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm fully insured. And then my insurance will have lapsed because I

cannot remember to renew it. I thought you meant that this whole time you hadn't had insurance for years and I was like, Nicole! Well, I didn't have it for a very long time, but then, thank God, I'm part of SAG-AFTRA, the guild! That's how I have my for a very long time. But then, thank God, I'm part of SAG-AFTRA, the guild. That's how I have my insurance.

That's great. But every year, the pharmacist will laugh at me. Yeah. But also, insurance companies like to make it as hard as they possibly can to figure out how to renew. Yes. It's a nightmare. My pharmacist will always go, isn't it funny that you take medicine to remember things? And you can't remember to do the thing that helps you get your medicine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always go, T! Yeah, you're funny. Very funny. And he's like, keep your receipt. Yeah. File it with your insurance company. Knowing fully well that I'm never going to do it. You're never going to do it.

That's why you need an assistant. I know. I can't afford an assistant right now. Well, you will soon. Don't worry. One day. And then you can come back you need an assistant. I know. I can't afford an assistant right now. Well, you will soon. Don't worry. One day. And then you can come back and be my assistant. And then I'll have a production company.

And then you'll run it. That sounds great. I said that to Sashira. And she was like, have you ever said that to Eleanor? And I said, no. I would love that. You're just out here wishing things and not telling people. And I was like, yeah.

I would fully love to work with you in any future endeavors. Great. What year is this? 2019. Looking at your wrist in which there is no watch and also, does the watch tell you the year? I don't think so. Maybe some do. I've never seen a watch that tells you the year.

But I did say, what year is it? Looked at my empty wrist. Okay, so 2019. 2021, you're going to be fully gainfully employed by May. Oh, wow. And I can't wait. Two years. That's going to be the best year of my life.

I think 2019 is trash. Sure. Throw it away. Okay. It's already been very bad for May. I don't like odd-numbered years. Me either. Well, I guess 2021 is an. Sure. Throw it away. Okay. It's already been very bad for me. I don't like odd-numbered years. Me either. Well, I guess 2021 is an odd number.

But that's a fun one. Oh, but that's going to be a good one because 2020 is going to be a very good year for me. Yes. Okay. Also, this is based on nothing. Nothing. Yeah, absolutely nothing. I've said it out loud enough that I fully believe that.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And honestly, 2019 has really proved to be a bad year. And I didn't start it being like it's going to be bad. Actually, no, I did. I went into 2019 being like, oh, harumph, this is not great. And then it's just gotten progressively worse. So, you know, 2020 has to be better.

Yeah. 2019's a wash. I feel like it's almost over. Throw it away. We're four months in. Not even at the halfway point. But it does feel like it's almost over. Throw it away. We're four months in. Not even at the halfway point. But it does feel like it's flying. Yeah.

Which is a positive. Great. And then soon we'll have a new president or the same one. Oh, dear God. I don't. It's one or the other. I can't. No.

Or it's. Oh, God. I don't know. He might get reelected. I just watched a clip where he was trying to say origin and he kept saying oranges. And I've never tee hee heed harder than that. My friend couldn't say origin to save his life. Oh, God.

Honestly, very funny. It is. And it would be if it wasn't so dire. I've already settled into it. There's nothing you can really do. No, it's true. It's bad, but he's funny. Yeah.

Oh, he is so funny. He's also very strange looking. Yeah, he's really weird looking. And I always think about the one time he and Melania had to have sex. Yeah. Not to, like, talk about her, because that's not nice, but. Well, wait. They have multiple children

though. They have one. Oh wait did the other ones have a different mom? Yeah he's got like three different baby moms. I have no idea. I did not know this. Donald Trump hates black people and does what some black people do. I don't know why I didn't know that. So wait is Ivanka

the one that is related to Tanya? Noanka, her mother, no. Ivanka's mom is like Vanya. Oh my God. Wow. Yeah. So Ivanka and Vanya or whatever. And then I think his little inbred looking sons have a different mom.

No, no. Baron, who, P.S., where the fuck he at? We haven't seen Baron in years. I literally have not seen Baron in like two years. He might not exist. I don't't know he might have never existed maybe he was a maybe he was like those children in the gym we all just all collectively baron no no baron exists because you have to have a one child to get your money from your prenup and boys are worth more than girls. Really? Yes. Whoa.

I mean, it makes sense. Yes, because they carry the family name. Oh, shit. And I don't know what their prenup has, but I'm sure she stopped after one boy because she was like, that would be in my money. I've never heard her speak.

I've never watched a video of her. It certainly can't be like that. Yikes. And then Tiffany has a different mom. Okay, wait. Who the hell is Tiffany? Oh my God, I can't believe I don't know this. Tiffany's the forgotten Trump.

Yikes. He's the one she never gets talked about. Yeah, okay. There's Eric and Eric. Two Erics? They don't have the same name. I don't know the other one's name. Oh, maybe it's Donald Jr.

Yeah. So there's Eric, Don Jr. I think they have the same mom. Yeah, they're scary. They are two of the same name. I don't know the other one's name. Oh, maybe it's Donald Jr. Yeah. So there's Eric, Don Jr. I think they have the same mom. Yeah, they're scary. They are two of the ugliest motherfuckers I've ever seen in my life. They look like the McPoyles from It's Always Sunny. Did you ever watch It's Always Sunny? Oh, that's hilarious.

They do. Yeah, they kind of do, right? And they're inbred. Are they really? I think so. I mean, I know it's maybe not fair to make fun of the way someone looks, but they're ugly. But they also have, like, really nasty values. Yeah, but they're ugly. But they also have like really nasty values. Yeah, they're bad people.

So I think if you have nasty values, you could talk about their appearance. Yeah, I think I can confidently say that I don't agree with their values. They were made in like a tube or something. I don't know. They're like little concoctions that were grown somewhere. And then there's Tiffany. There's too many. Too many Trumps.

Yeah. Get them out of here. I agree. Put them on a ship and send them back. Send them back to wherever they came from. Yikes. He did something else that was funny the other day. Oh, God.

We don't have to get into politics. Oh, how rump. Eleanor. Yeah. Back to pole dancing. Yes. How long did it take you to start inverting probably too long I was pretty scared to do it that was like one of the things that I was always like maybe I

just won't do it you know like maybe it's just not going to be for me I'll just stick to low flow type stuff and then I think it was at the like eight month mark where I was like you know I should really go upside down and then I started learning I like talked to Veronica and she was like yeah you're definitely ready so um yeah after kind of the new year I was I've been taking more and more classes where that's the focus aerial stuff upside down inversion stuff it's very scary oh yeah because it's one little pole holding you up one little pole yeah for my inspiration i look at the hashtags a fat pole dancer or plus size polar or just to see other bigger women doing it because it is possible it's yeah 100 core has to get educated but you find some wild shit under that hashtag.

Oh, boy. I said you things. Yeah. Oh, it's my favorite. Yeah, I've never, I don't like exercise. Yeah. And I don't know what it is about. I think maybe it's like that I'm making my body do something I've never made it do before.

Sure, okay. And then you can kind of like watch yourself in the mirror, although sometimes Veronica's like, no mirror, get out of it. Yeah, I find that funny. I'm like, I think it's helpful to see myself in the mirror, see what I look like, see if I'm doing it right or whatever. But I think it's maybe— She wants you to get out of your own head probably, yeah.

And then the people in class are great. Yeah, do you like the ladies you take with? Some of them are real wild. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I won't talk about them here because that doesn't seem nice. No. Also, it's a very weird place where if anyone knows who I am, they whisper it to me after.

Really? Yes. Which is very nice. Yeah, nice. But also very strange. Very is very nice, but also very strange. Very strange and nice, yeah. I remember when Veronica clocked who you and Sashir were, and she came up to me after, or like at my next class,

and was like, I realized why I recognized them. She did say it to Sashir. She was like, I recognize you from somewhere. And Sashir just went, oh, okay. Yeah, I was like, oh, no, oh, no. Sashir's And Sashir just went, oh, okay. Yeah, I was like, oh no, oh no. Sashir's very good at being like, can't help you. Yeah, yeah. And I'm always like, but I'll try.

Where do you live? Where do you live? I'm always just trying to help people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what were we talking about? I don't know, pole dancing. It's all I ever want to talk about When did you start wearing shoes?

From the jump? From the jump pretty much Like fourth lesson I was like Get me in those shoes I can't wear them Really? No I can't walk in them

They hurt your feet? No I literally can't walk in them Oh no I'm knock-kneed So What does that mean? My knees No matter how much weight I lose

My knees will always Kind of be together What? I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah. That is wild. Yeah. So it just makes wearing heels hard.

Yeah. And then, I don't know, I just can't walk in them. That's okay. You don't have to wear them. But I want to. Yeah. They're fun. I have three pairs that are just in my house.

Good. And you should have more. You should have as many as you want. I wear them three pairs that are just in my house. Good, and you should have more. You should have as many as you want. I wear them at night when I put away my laundry. That's so funny. I just kind of clobber around my room putting laundry away in six-inch stilettos. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I have three pairs as well, but I really only wear my boots.

I like the boots. Are they vinyl or are they like matte? They're vinyl. Like, oh, yeah. The shiny. The shiny, yeah. So I had a pair of shiny boots, but then I did a fireman and it stuck and it was like, ah!

Yep, yeah. And then Veronica laughed and then I took them off and I was like, I can't wear these. You know what would help if you do ever want to start wearing shoes and you have vinyl boots? Put, like, leg warmers over the boots. Because then it's slick against the pole, so you can spin. Because when I'm doing, like, a lot of, like, spin-heavy stuff, I'll put, like, leg warmers over the boots. But if we're just doing, like, low flow and maybe, like, one or one or two spins and then like they're helpful for climbing because they stick, you know. And like aerial stuff, you're upside down and you need like a foot on the pole.

It'll stick. Yeah. So that's nice. Good. Ooh. No. All good things to know. I've been having trouble finding knee pads and we were doing floor stuff and Veronica was like, do you want leg warmers? And I said, sure. And then we were doing floor stuff and Veronica was like do you want leg warmers and

I said sure and then we were doing it so I balled up the leg warmer put it on the floor put my knee on the leg warmer and did the move and she was like put it on and I very rarely get embarrassed but I was just so floored at how my brain does not work the same way as everybody else's. Okay, so you truly thought that's what she meant when she was like, use leg warmers. And I almost started crying, but then I was like, don't cry in front of these people. Oh, no. I just felt so dumb. Well, it's okay.

Is it? It'll be okay. Oh, Eleanor, I'm so dumb. No, no, no. Do you? Okay. Do you have any advice? You know me.

Yes. Do you have any advice on how I can find a love? Oh, my God. I think you are so wonderful. Oh, thank you. So charismatic, such an energy that lights up the room. I think if you're not already doing it, you just got to be your damn self. Because if dudes aren't into what you're selling, then go fuck them.

Well, not literally. I have been. It hasn't been working out. But I mean, I don't know. You know, I think that you're just so great. Like, I don't know if when you go on dates, you feel like you have to like pretend like you're someone you're not or are you pretty genuine? No, I'm pretty genuine.

That's good. Keep doing that. I try to be, I try to like read the room and if the person's like lower energy, I try to bring my energy down a little bit so I'm not overwhelming. Because I know I can be'm not overwhelming. Yeah. Because I know I can be a little overwhelming. Sure. But I do try to stay true to me and I try not to be performative.

But then sometimes I like to laugh. Yeah. And I make myself laugh. Yeah. Like when I do ad reads, I truly make myself laugh. Yeah. And I'm laughing literally by myself. Like Marissa's in the room, but I'm just like laughing at myself.

Yeah. So I don't know. I just try to keep things light and fresh and I don't know. Yeah, it's tough. There are a lot of really stupid men in L.A., but probably in every city. But it's tough. And I, yeah, at least for me, I know that like I went on a lot I I would go on like four or five dates and then realize like oh these guys like don't know me as me at

all they know like this version of myself that I've like pretended to be so that they'll like me wait what kind of virgin version of yourself were you being I don't know just like hot and boring maybe you know what I mean mean? Okay, let's pretend to be on a date and you be the person you were pretending to be. Okay. Hey, I'm Brad. Hey. Oh my god. No, I'm just I would never do that. Oh. No, but like

that would be so funny if I did that. No, I think that like I don't know. I have like a weird sense of humor and like you know, I'm just like I'm like a fun like quirky you know, I'm just like, I'm like a fun, like quirky. No, it's so awful. Make myself vomit. Yeah, I think there was like a lot of stuff that I would just not tell them in fear that they would be like, this chick's fucking weird.

And then I later realized like, no, that's the stuff I should tell them so that if they're like, hell yeah, I'm down with that too. You know, then I'm like, oh, you're someone I actually want to hang out with. It is hard to know when to like, when to bring out your weird shit. Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty weird at all times. But like, when do you, when is it appropriate to go down on a man and go, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble?

Like, when do you get to do that? And you've got to be able to do that. Right? Otherwise, what's the damn point? But I'm like, do you wait till, like, the fifth date? The tenth date? Are you together a year before you do that? I don't know.

It's all just so dang hard. I know. Well, Eleanor, you've given me no advice. No. I'm sorry. It's okay. I feel like there's someone, there's someone waiting

and they're going to be fucking cool. Eleanor, I think you're right. Yeah. I do think there's, I used to be like, I'm going to die alone.

No, I don't think that's true at all. But I do think that there is someone out there, and I think as shitty as it may be, I might be 50 when I meet them. Sure. Or 65. Well. Or 110. Life is so long.

If I live to 110, I will be so upset. No, that's too long. Right? It's way too long. And people are always like, I want to live forever. I'm like, for what? Dear God, no. For what? No, yeah, that's too long. Right? It's way too long. And people are always like, I want to live forever. I'm like, for what? Dear God, no. For what? No, yeah, that's too long. My grandma's like 93.

That's old. That's so old. You've seen so much. I want to nap. I say to my therapist all the time, I'm like, I'm not depressed in a way where I want to kill myself. I'm depressed in a way where if I could sleep for seven years I would take that option yeah well because then you wake up refreshed sure feeling great and then you're like so much has happened what a treat I missed

all of that start new we're all like drones now it was great yeah no I there's there's someone there's someone out there I think so maybe they just don't listen to this podcast and that's why they haven't come knocking on your door. Maybe. I've been also trying to, like, manifest somebody. Yeah. Okay. So I'll read to you. Oh, dang.

Do I not? Oh, I do have it. So I think I wrote in this planner. So I tried to manifest a man who had like all the things that I wanted. And then I kept finding men who had those things. But then not all of them. I just was like, oh, I guess I have to be more specific. Okay.

My mom did this before she met my father, by the way. Really? And I guess it worked. Yeah. Okay. Well, here's what I wrote. Okay. So I have like a whole list of things where it's like someone I like someone I'm proud of blah blah but this is the thing to meet someone special or reconnect with a special person who is emotionally available

and I that's I think the biggest thing I need. Yeah, it's sad that that has to be a requirement. We have to be like, oh, and can you also just be an adult who is aware of his emotions or her, but just figure it out? Because I think I'm emotionally available. Yeah. I just need someone who's equally emotionally available. Yeah. Well, Eleanor. Yes.

Oh, my God. I'm also sick, which is why I'm like having really like just a really hard time with my words. And I've had a little bit of whiskey. Woo. Friday. Yeah, baby. Hang ten.

Eleanor, would you date me? Of course. What a dream. That makes me very happy to hear. Do you have anything you want to promote? Oh gosh. If anyone out there likes indie improv

I do which absolutely no one does and everyone hates me. I do have a team. We perform pretty often. You can catch us at like the clubhouse. That type of vibe. We're called Safety Hat. You can catch us at like the clubhouse. Yeah, baby. That type of vibe. We're called Safety Hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can find us on Instagram. You know,

keep up with that. And if you want to watch Eleanor Paul dance, what's your Instagram? Oh, do you not want that? No, that's fine. It's hard to say because it's not my name. No. It's Dwayne Reed. It's Dwayne Reed, which came from when I lived in New York. I thought

that the name Dwayne Reed for the pharmacies was very funny and a silly name for a pharmacy sounded like. But the E's are threes. Yeah, so it's D-W-A- Y-N-E underscore R-3-3-D. And you can watch Eleanor

pole dance. Yeah. And she's very good at it. And it's a real treat. Eleanor, thank you so much. Thank you. Okay. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe. And if you leave me a nasty message, I will read it out loud. Did you have any? This person said, all I want to do is take you to a

Taco Tuesday buffet where your taco is the main dish. Yes, I'll be at your little puss all day, every day, even on Sundays. Then I think I had another one that I wanted to read. Oh. Didn't want to go on a

date with him? No. No. Okay. Here's one. When we do fuck, I'd eat your puss till you come so hard you shudder and give me a concussion. What? I think this man wants to eat me out as I stand up. Yeah, and then... Because that's the only way I could fall down on his head.

Because otherwise I'm laying down and that means I'm like a jack in the box. Yeah, or does he think that your legs are going to crush his head? Oh, maybe. But you'd have to be like very strong to give him a concussion by just squeezing his head with your legs? Yeah, that would be insane.

This person thinks I'm strong. And little does he know I have a weak core no an uneducated core uneducated okay thank you bye bye

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bye bye bye bye bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.