Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Hack Into Your Partner's Phone (w/ Keke Palmer)

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Emmy-award winning actress Keke Palmer (Nope, Lightyear) shares with Nicole how she got her first kiss from MySpace, why she avoids posting relationships on social media,  and how she's learning to trust again after her boyfriend slept with her best friend.  Plus, is it ever okay to hack into your partner's phone? Keke teaches us, in great detail, exactly how to do it.  Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in a tube of toothpaste, and I squeeze it out, and I go, this is runny, but I'll still use it.

My guest today is an Emmy-winning actress, writer, and singer who starred in Nope, Lightyear, Hustlers, and so much more. Can you open IMGb? Come on, baby. Okay, her new podcast, Baby, This is Kiki Palmer, is now available exclusively and ad-free on Amazon Music. Ooh, boy, I'm thrilled she's here today. Ooh, open your ears. It's Kiki Palmer. Hey, what's up, girl? Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. How are you?

I'm so good. I have to know, what sign are you, Nicole? Because I just have to get into that. Ooh, I'm a Virgo. Oh, my. And you see right there? That's when I knew. Because, girl, I'm a Virgo, too.

Oh, we are special people. Come on. Are you September or are you August? I'm August. Me, too. Oh, we are special people. Come on. Are you September or are you August? I'm August. Me, too. The end of August. I am, too. I'm August 26th. Oh, I'm August 29th.

So swing that six around and you get me. I love that. It's so good to hang out with you today. Yes, this is fun. First of all, people can't see it, but where are your glasses from? Oh, so my glasses are, I get a lot of my glasses from like downtown, like the alley. You know what I'm saying? Like I just find.

Sanctuary Alley? Yeah, you know, I just find different, you know, actual sunglasses frames. And then I take them out and put my prescription in. So, you know, they got like a turquoise rim guys and it's black on the edge, you know. But it's just, you know, I love quirky glasses. What can I say? Yours look good too, though. Thank you. They're very big and they smush my nose but I don't care I just love how big they are yes

I love they just like cover my whole face okay Kiki I have a question so you are you're successful that's not a question it's a statement but, has dating been hard for you since you're a successful person? Totally, totally. Dating has been so hard for many of the same reasons that it's hard for any one of us. And then also for obviously my own unique reasons, my lifestyle, the overwhelming vibe that my lifestyle can bring to any dating scenario, you know, and then perception, you know, societal perceptions and how that kind of can can give you pressures in terms of who you should be dating and why you should be dating them. I think definitely I went through a lot of that as a teenager, too. What's your type?

Do you even have one? So I used to always say I don't have a type because I don't think I have a type physically. I do think, you know, when it comes to physical if I'm like in superficial sense I love hair it can be any kind it could be locks it could be curls it could be a fade it could be anything but I just love beauty hair is like a sign of beauty for me like it doesn't matter so I think I'm definitely attracted to hair and then I'm also attracted to height that's like as typical as it gets in terms of the like superficial front. But then when it comes to like a type, I do think I have a personality type.

When I was younger, I used to think I liked the quiet guy, the mysterious guy. But obviously I don't think I think that was just the first person I dated. That's how they were. So I thought that's what I liked. As I got older, I realized that I like the the quirky guy the guy that is beating to his own drum he's a little bit more eccentric he's not too like he's not giving you Andre 3000 he's maybe giving you more he's maybe giving you more like Adam Sandler like he's giving you a little bit more like awkward in that kind of humorous sense um not taking themselves too seriously a little

bit of the everyday chill not trying to be too cool someone that feels approachable and down to earth that's what I like I like that too, I like someone who's funny but doesn't have to be the star of the party I kind of like a

recurring, he pops in, he's very funny goes back to the corner comes back and is like hello and you're like oh that's fun i hope he comes back again yeah that's what i like i'm the same way nicole you know why because our personalities are already extra and gagged out so it's kind of like you know it's good to have somebody that can go there with us but also somebody that's you know that can that we can just go into and it's not like we know we don't have to be extra because after a while people expect that from us and it's like it's not like, we don't have to be extra. Because after a while, people expect that from us.

And it's like, we're not like that all the time. You know what I mean? Sometimes I'm chilling, I'm in the corner somewhere. So I want somebody that can keep up with that speed as well. The nicest thing anybody I have dated has ever said to me, I was like telling them about just a day at work. And I was like, I'm sorry, that was very boring. And he was like, you're not here to entertain me.

And I was like, I'm not that was very boring and he was like you're not here to entertain me and I was like I'm not I love you here to entertain you it blew my mind because usually I'm just like on when I'm dating somebody because I'm like I need you to like me forever otherwise I'll wither away and die and I don't want that but I think that's extremely natural at least for me you know I I totally relate to the whole and and honestly I relate to it in terms of dating and friendships like I find that especially in the beginning we all kind of bring this performative nature and just this kind of like I'm presenting to you the person that I think is the best version of myself and then it does get spooky after a while I've always felt like this with with dating that once people realize I'm not happy all the time and I'm not and I actually like

just like most people that are are I don't know if I call myself a comedian but a comedic actor a comedic person um you know most people like that hell we can get depressed as fuck so it's like when when that when I when I open myself up to someone and then they start seeing the cracks of the entirety of who i am i always get really anxious because i'm like oh shit they're gonna find out that they're gonna find out that i'm not always thrilled yeah i'm like are they gonna find smoother road i've got a lot of cracks and a lot of issues absolutely absolutely and it's just kind of i mean, but I think that's the reality. Nobody is always going to be like that, that what you met in the beginning. I think, you know, it's always getting to that's that's the real dating is like getting past that initial vibe and like who's actually going to like me for me. That's I think what makes it so difficult. I think I read it on Instagram because that's where I get all of my education currently. But I think it said on Instagram that you don't really know someone until after a full year has passed.

Right. Girl. And that blew my mind. Because honey, I can perform. I can keep up and act for a minute. I can definitely keep things under control for a while. And I think it's so interesting, too. I think that is also like a defense mechanism, like in a control thing.

It's like no one really reaches past that point until before you know it, they do. And then that's when it's like, oh, wait a minute. Now I really care. Now you're really going to get to know me. And that doesn't really happen, I know, for me indefinitely until past like a year. Like it takes a second for me to kind of really even trust someone to really go there. Yeah, because I I'm always like, are you going to hurt my feelings? And I know nobody's like setting out to hurt people's feelings.

I mean, hopefully, but I'm always like, but if I let you in, are you going to hurt my feelings? And then I'm going to regret letting you in. And then I just never do it again. Yeah. You just never want the scarring. Like, you know what I mean? Yes. I hate that to regret letting you in. And then I just never do it again. Yeah. You just never want the scarring. You know what I mean? Yes. I hate that, too, about situations.

But I've realized that they're kind of always, that's like always like, what's going to happen? I feel like I experienced the worst version of that. Not the worst version of that. Let me not be dramatic because everybody goes through that. I've experienced the hardest thing on earth. No. But I think the thing is is it's the most typical version of what you see in the movies when it's like

oh my gosh my best friend messed around with my boyfriend behind my back like literally I experienced that and it was the most that to me epitomizes what you're talking about which is like our worst fear of oh my gosh how am I ever going to trust anybody again and even more so

not even just the person I was dating, but the person I was best friends with. And that is really like, it's crazy, but it's a part of life. Like somebody is going to hurt you. And most likely they're going to be somebody that you really, really love and care about. And then what?

You know what I mean? And are you going to choose to forgive them? Are you going to choose to move forward and never trust anybody else again? Those are the questions that I've, I asked myself a lot after experiencing things like that. And I think that's, you know, it's just like you can't escape it, though. No, you really can't.

And that's life. It's like they say. It's like the husband's usually the murderer. The person closest to you is the one who's going to kill you. Seriously. Oh, no. But I had a best friend once. He wasn't my boyfriend,

you know, in real life, but in my brain, you know, we had something really nice and special. But she ended up sleeping with him and then I was like,

but you knew. Yeah, exactly. You knew I was building a fantasy in my brain. Yeah. And you knew that one day he was gonna reject me and I'd cry about it

and I still wouldn't like you sleeping with him anyway. It's giving beaches. Why would you do that? day he was going to reject me and i'd cry about it and i still wouldn't like you sleeping with him anyway it's giving beaches you do that and it was just like one of those things where i was like i guess i'll stay friends with you and then eventually i was like i don't know if this is working out in my favor you keep doing awful things yeah so that so did they keep dating the person that you were talking to that you like they truly just hooked up with them just hooked up with them. Just hooked up with them. Wow.

And it felt very pointed. Like, she was like, I can do this. I can have whatever you want. And that was like her MO with a lot of things. And so that's, okay, since we're going down the friend lane, that's, you know, I don't know. I feel devastated about how that friendship ended. you know I don't know I feel devastated about how that friendship ended and the reason why is because I don't know the reasoning and it's one of those things where I was watching I when you were saying what you're saying I brought up beaches and I watched that movie recently the

bed middler one where I was like which version because there was one on lifetime recently I watched the original. And you know how they have that moment in there. But ultimately, the friendship between them is like, you know, there's jealousy, but there's love. But there's envy. But there's competition. But they love each other. It was like such a mixed mosh of what we experience sometimes in these very close, intimate, you know, platonic relationships. And me and that person, that relationship for me is is it kind of

plays back into my head in terms of how I navigate other things in my life because it's it's like you think back on it and you're like so were you jealous of me but I can't imagine you being jealous of me or was it a competition was this about you or was this about it's like and and I always think about it the Virgo in me is like trying to analyze so I can figure out how to navigate a situation like that the next time but I don't really think there's because it's really actually not about any of them it was always about you and it's like you're trying to figure out what was I supposed to learn from that what was I supposed to gain to never trust anybody again or like what you know what was the message here that is interesting because i feel like we walk through life being like

everything's a lesson that you're supposed to learn from and it's like honestly sometimes it's not because if you think you're learning from someone doing you dirty or whatever and then you're like okay so i'm gonna go into this with like you know all eyes open looking around suspicious and shit it's like well how are you gonna enjoy life and how you gonna enjoy your time and also someone might hurt you a different way yeah so it's like that really doesn't actually help you any and i remember talking to like this shaman lately was either shaman or astrology and you know i do a lot of these little things and the lady was telling me that like it really isn't about them it was really about you learning that you know you what did she say she said that it was just an experience for you

that is about you trusting yourself um kind of saying to me that I always knew that the person I was dating and and my best friend were never trustworthy and so the journey that I went on was really more so experiential for me in my in me me as my own person to prove myself right even though I already knew what that I was right before the the whole debacle happened so it was like again it really wasn't like you said it's not about that person it's not about uh you know um trying to figure out anything like there was any lesson, it was to trust my instincts from the beginning. Yes. Which is a very curious thing that nobody really talks about.

That it's like, trust your intuition. It's usually right. If you have a bad feeling about a relationship, a friendship, you're probably going to be right. As opposed to just like sitting in it and waiting for it to come, like to fulfill itself. It's like maybe just remove yourself from the situation yeah and that was definitely I definitely look back and I don't know if it's the same for you but I definitely look back on the situation and I always was suspicious of them of our you know true genuineness of our friendship I really was

you know what I mean but it was that thing where you just keep telling stuff well maybe I'm wrong well maybe I'm wrong and and that's to me whether what happened to me or not did or didn't happen and how bad it was, or whatever you want to call it. That's the biggest disappointment is, is that, wow, I should have, you know, listened to myself. So I'm definitely glad to know that because moving forward in my life, when my intuition does tell me something, I definitely listen much differently, much more pointedly, I'm like I know I know what feels right for me and what doesn't you know and it's helped me thus far for sure I like how confident you are in this me personally I go I have intuition about this I think it's

gonna end poorly and then I'll be in the shower being like it did end poorly and I'm sad but like also I knew it was going to end poorly. So this is a little bit on me. You know, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes I feel like we're, I mean, I have been in periods of my life where I can be a little masochistic in that regard as well. Where it's like, I mean, even when I'm talking about this past situation, I knew, but it's like I still did it anyway. And I think, I mean, I think sometimes, hell, is that what we want in that moment? I mean, if you know and you say, I don't care, like, is that kind of just like, is that the way that we're in right now in that time in our lives?

Is that we kind of want to put ourselves in those positions? I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. It's kind of just like what we're on. People are fucking weird. We all are. If you think with it. It's kind of just like what we're on. Uh-huh. People are fucking weird. We all are. If you think about it. Yes. To be like, to knowingly go into a bad situation just to be like, woe is me. Yes.

But like, to not understand that's what you're doing is so fucking weird. How wild. People are so wild. Wait, Kiki, do you have any brothers that are single? I would like to go to your Thanksgiving. Do they like big black ladies? I would like to be part of your family. You can definitely be a part of my family.

My brother is so young, you would not be interested. He also has a girlfriend. He's like 21, my brother. Oh, that's very, very young. I know, he's such a baby. He's literally like the literal Gen Z. He's born like in the 2000s. Like, are you kidding me?

That's nuts to me. My friend has a nanny and she was like, yeah, she was born in 2003. And I was like, someone in 2003 is taking care of your child? Girl, in 2003, I had a full time job. No, I'm kidding. Oh, my God. Just getting so fucking old. Girl, 30 is knocking around the corner.

How do you feel about it? I mean, I don't even know how old you are. I'm already 30. I believe I'm 37 and i'm almost 40 and you're kidding sometimes it blows my mind damn you look good girl thank you i thought you were like in your 20s oh my god i got far too excited about that um i so i learned this from i don't know somebody doing my makeup they were like you should be happy that you've like chubby cheeks and uh oily skin because people put fillers in their face to look younger i have natural fillers from food and god well that is one thousand percent true about the fillers and the, because people really do try.

But I need them to just chill a bit because I think it's, you know, sometimes it's right. And then other times it's kind of like it ain't matching with the neck. And nothing is not coming together. Yeah. Do you think you would ever like touch your face in any way? Man, I don't want to be like that asshole to be like, never. You know what I mean? Like, you know, because who's to say, like, girl girl i might start reaching up to 50 and like oh wait a minute

these four headlines you know i don't know but i'm scared of anything that's going to actually change the reconstruction you know what i'm saying so i can get with the concept of you know i could see maybe one day even for a role if i'm playing like a very rich auntie i can see myself getting into a little botox maybe doing can see myself getting into a little Botox maybe doing something to freeze me up a little bit but when it gets to the when it gets to the fillers and the stuff that might change or contour me more and that scares me because I do think that there's a good there's it's good for your face to be not all the way right does that make sense yeah I think it's I i have a thing about teeth i like

teeth that are slightly off that's like i love a gap i love like maybe like a little crooked tooth on the bottom or whatever because i'm like that's what makes you special like nobody's teeth are like your teeth and i know it's so cliche but i truly believe that that you know no i don't i don't want it isn't no one it's kind of weird or strange if somebody's face is just quote unquote perfect whatever that might mean you know to you based on what you think is beautiful but i don't know i like people that look just like real people same and when i watch movies sometimes i'm like these people are all so pretty i want me a movie just filled with like funny looking people well don't you feel like back in our, when we were

teens and stuff like that, everybody did look normal. You had people that were, okay, quote unquote, model looking. But then you had people that were just gorgeous in an everyday kind of way. Or the simple man. But I do feel like after maybe 2010s

especially, everybody was just drop dead gorgeous. And it was just like, what's going on? Who looks like this? And it bothers me. And how can I relate? How can I relate to this? Exactly.

The most egregious, I think, was the newest Batman movie, which I loved. I thought it could have been six hours longer. Colin Farrell played the Penguin and they put a bunch of prosthetics on him. And I was like, oh, just go get a fatty. Go get a nice fat man who's a great character actor they exist and uh let him play that part i know i know you know and that's what i always say too like that's why i do like i mean obviously i do think joaquin phoenix and christian bale they've been putting their bodies through the ringers to give us a damn character moment and i hate that for them but i love that

for them in terms of their dedication but you, you know, it's like, damn, I do feel like, to your point, people got to be willing to go there. And, you know, stop worrying about looking gorgeous every damn shot, you know what I mean? And, or, you know, what it's going to be to come out of it and just become a character, maybe, you know, change it up. You know, whatever it is,

I think you got to go all the way because if you don't, it kind of just looks like I can tell that it's I'm watching a movie which is the issue right you know you don't want to think that you're like watching a movie unless it's supposed to be like kitschy satirical campy perfect and if it's not then it's kind of like give me real life yeah give me some real messy shit, real quick, we have to take a break. Ooh, way back. Okay, I have a question. In a relationship, is it okay to hack into a partner's phone? It's not okay, but would I do it?

I have literally I got definitely done it multiple times and I've apologized and done it again but look nobody's perfect and it I think it's like it happens I mean I think kudos to the people that are listening in and they're like I never do that that. I never. You know, I'm not one of you. I will say this. I've been in relationships where I didn't feel the need to do that. And I think that's how you should always feel. And when you don't, that's the biggest. It's true what they say.

It's the biggest sign that there's like no trust there. If you feel like you need to go through someone's phone. You know what I mean? Okay. So there is someone listening right now who's like i don't trust my man yeah i'm a lady or my person um i'd like to go through their phone i haven't the foggiest idea how to start that how do you do that i feel like everybody always has their phone in their hand yeah well you got to be looking when they're like so at a chill time you got to just

you know when you guys are on the best of terms you know look around while they're yeah you got to be that's the thing you got to be praying on the downfall while you guys are on the best of terms, you know, look around while they're... You gotta be... That's the thing. You gotta be preying on the downfall while you guys are on the best of terms because you know that shit's gonna hit the fan at some point. So you gotta be in a good mood with them and already planning the next heist. So pretty much when you guys are hanging out,

you look over their shoulder, you see what they're typing in, you get a clue or an idea of what it is, you know what I'm saying? And just kind of, you know, get in the vibe vibe there or if you guys sleep in the same bed together you know how to pull their thumb out you know how to pull their face up you know how to figure out a way to make sure that you can get into their phone based off of using their own body parts because the way that these phones are signed up now it's easy way to do that so those are my two options look over their

shoulder when they're in a very, you know, vulnerable moment, not realizing and or, you know, try to use their face, try to use their hand or something to that regard.

I would never, ever, ever suggest just fuddling around and footsing around. You know what I mean? Okay. Don't do that

because the phone will do the whole thing where they can tell that somebody's been trying to get in and you don't want your spot to blow it up like that.

Mmm. Wait, if they're sleeping, does the face thing work? It does. Or do your eyes have to be open? No, it works. Trust me, I know. This I love. I love this. It's good.

I'm going to try it one of these days. I don't have anyone right now to try it with, but I'm going to try it with but I'm gonna try it I'm telling you it works because people are people don't you know and when you're chilling with someone you guys are really in a comfortable relationship they're gonna slowly put their code in around you at some point they're going to I've seen it tons of times

oh my gosh it's worked every time that's why I say just look over their shoulder real quick you know and do it you gotta have a good memory though I feel like the fucking passwords have gotten so long also if you get in there yeah if you got somebody with android or they doing that little puzzle piece shit on the front you can forget it but but i was gonna say if you do get in the phone you know the great thing about it now is you can do unmake things that were read unread you get

i'm saying you can look at the messages read them, and make them still look like they weren't read. You have to go back and clear your name. You have to go back. I've gone so as far as to send pictures to myself, screenshots to myself. Don't worry about reading it in the moment. Screenshot it. Send it to yourself. Delete that you sent it to yourself and read it on your own phone.

That's another good tip. Free tip there that I gave you. Wow. I love this. This is like next level. Some people might be listening being like, duh, bitch. I've been knowing all about this. But I'm not.

I wish I. I mean, back in the day, I could hack into somebody's email clean and quick. Oh, my gosh. Talking about a Facebook account. You're talking about an Instagram account. You're talking about all of the accounts. see the kids don't know nowadays they've got this shit hooked up so clean that you got to do every type of verification to get there but but right in the early like in the 2010s 2014 15 16 baby it was so easy to digitally hack into somebody's

account especially if you knew a couple of things about them. It was done. Nobody could get anything past me. I love this. You have a full-ass career as an actress, but also a private investigator. Oh, yes. You get in the dark. I'm always getting into something. The only thing that I haven't been able to crack is how to look at somebody's private Instagram account.

I'll get a chance to get back to it. But I do know how to look at any public people's pages, any of their stories. All you got to do is download Story Viewer app. Thank me later. Oh, here's what I do. I have a little Finsta. Yeah, the Finsta works too. I block the people that I don't want to see me looking at their stories, and then unblock them, look at their stories, re-block them, and then your view goes away. That's very good. That's very good.

That is good. I do the fence to every now and then, especially when I want to become somebody's friend that page is private. But nowadays, people know. You know, when their page is private, they're keeping people out. They're not going to add anybody they don't know. So that is very difficult. It doesn't really work to my advantage as much anymore. Yeah, if it's private, that's hard.

Public free game. Yeah. Yeah. It's so difficult with that. Stop with the private pages. I mean, kind of. Why are you on here? I say that.

And I do have a private page where I just post things about my house where I'm like, look at this new wallpaper. Here's a question. When you're dating somebody, do you post about them online do you keep them secret how do you do people get mad if you don't post them tell me yeah people do get not mad but they definitely get suspicious like girl why you had me but that's because they don't know the fierce reality of like being in the public eye most of the time and then once they get a taste they like i'm good love you know what i mean but it's like trust me i'm trying to protect our privacy and the fact you know once is a public figure um or somebody that is a quote-unquote popularity the moment that you post things it's kind of it's kind of like you're saying this is up for discussion and even though

it's not up for discussion and you're just showing you know for you it's like i'm just showing something like very lightweight it becomes up for discussion for everyone else and i don't necessarily really want my relationship to be up for discussion even though i'd like to share my happiness in some of these fun moments i don't really want you to think that you can comment on them because that's annoying uh so it's kind of a hard balance uh but usually I do keep it private the only place that I will genuinely like put stuff out there is my Facebook because that's only my family and friends like my my close family and friends so I I will and I have uh posted you

know the people I've dated on on there or you know personal things in general on there I think that's smart and I think that's very, very astute to be like, if you're making it public, you're making it so people can comment, give opinions, this, that, and the other,

even though you don't want to, like I post like pole dancing videos because she's bad at it and she likes it. But, um, people like to comment about my weight. It fluctuates. That's just my life. Um, and people be like, oh, you look thin.

And I'm like, I'm the heaviest I've been. Like, let's not comment on that. But like, I also know that I like I'm wearing, you know, a sports bra and I put it out there. But I'm like, but maybe we talk about the thing I put up, the dancing and it's bad or you like it, whatever. But, yeah, I never really thought about that. Like posting a partner then invites people to be like, I like it. I or you like it whatever but yeah i never really thought about that like posting a partner then invites people to be like i like it i don't like it they're ugly they're cute um and i think about courtney kardashian so much she she she posts everything every waking second with her husband and i'm like but why i get that you love each other, but why be so, like, she must really not care.

I mean, some people really don't care about it or they like it. You know what I mean? Some people like attention of any kind. You know, they like when someone says, I hate this or I love this or why are you doing this? You know, me, I don't like all that. You know what I mean? I like, like you said, I like for people to either lovely or ha, ha this is a funny video I'm not looking for a critique I'm not looking for a critique from you because you don't have the credentials so it's like for me that that's

probably just my personality but some people I think they like you know they like that you know they they everybody you know everything um moves people differently you know I've realized it's just you know for me it makes easy total sense but then for someone else it's like oh no I'm living out loud and it's like I feel like I'm living out loud but I also feel like stay out my damn business yeah I've had a hard time with that uh like doing this podcast and talking so openly about my love life. It truly invites people to have opinions about it. I get a lot of unsolicited DMs where they're like, this person would be good for you.

And I'm like, but you don't actually know me. And then, I don't know them. How do you know? And it's freaking rude. That's how I feel about the skin thing. It's like, look, I get it. I've talked about my skin. I showed up on my acne. You know I don't love it. You know I would love to find a cure for it. But at the end of the day, I don't need you to help me.

And I know that, you know, it's like people are like, well, why? You know what I mean? Well, I just want to, you know what I mean? And it's like I'm not trying to be offensive, but I just don't. This is not what I want to discuss with you anymore past this 15-second post. And I said everything I wanted to say about it and let's move on from it and now it's become this thing where everybody I'm telling you everybody thinks they can save me with this shit

and it's like why do you think I want to be your damn guinea pig also tell me that why wouldn't you think that you've probably tried it or done it you know it's very interesting I also have like dark spots

and hyperpigmentation of my body or whatever especially like my underarms and people will be like why don't you fix that and I'm like I don't know I'm never staring at my underarms why are you staring at them maybe I've got a boil on my ass and that's the first thing on my agenda and that's where I'm focused

on the boil on my ass I'm so uncomfortable right now. And you're looking at my armpits? I can't sit. Literally. Literally. Like, there's other shit going on. And, you know, this is not the biggest thing.

You know, it's just what it is. It's the way that it is. I miss the good old days when we would sit and talk shit and gossip in our house. Okay? You can have an opinion, love. You can discuss it with your friends and family but why do you need to comment on it in the publics yeah but also it's not even in public a lot of these people are just like little avatars like little gremlins and dinosaurs saying the worst shit and you're like but who are you who are you why why Why is this dinosaur telling me that I'm ugly?

Like literally, literally. Why stock footage yelling at me? Yes. Do you remember your like first kiss? Yep. My first kiss was a little guy that I met on MySpace. It was a guy that I met on MySpace because, you know,

I couldn't make a, it was hard to make friends because I didn't go to real school. So I would be on MySpace finding, you know, a lot of people to talk to, my age group. And I found,

I remember this boy that my friend knew. She knew him because he, his little, he was like a little older than us, maybe like two years older than us. And he would walk and pick up his little brother from school,

which he was friends with my friend. And so she's like, oh my gosh, this boy in my class, he got an older brother that picks him up from school and he is so fine. And I'm like, girl, show me him. And so she showed me him on MySpace and we started to correspond. And we're corresponding back and forth.

We're talking, we're chit-chatting. And we start talking for months. And it it's like this is huge and kid world I mean we probably have been talking for like one month or two months but it was like this has been our lifetimes talking to each other and we wanted to meet you know very badly and so eventually I told my parents I have been talking to someone online and blah blah blah and it took a long time but eventually my parents like okay let's meet his parents and let's you know invite them over for dinner and so you guys can meet and so we met and I remember we were back in the backyard hanging out and talking having like our little quote-unquote private moment and we were on my little brother and sister like their little jungle

gym thing that they had and we're just like on the swings and then we just lean in for a little kiss and i was like 14 that's so funny that's adorable that is the cutest fucking story just like little pen pals who got to meet and kissed on the swings did you see each other again or was that a wrap after we dated actually for Yeah. We dated for years. We dated on and off for years. Mm-hmm. That is so fucking adorable. It's so funny. Isn't it crazy? Like, it's just, it brings a smile to my face because it's just like, oh, my gosh,

that first little love, you know what I mean? That's so cute. So, wait, when did you start acting? Was your first part Akilah in the beat? No. So, that was my first leading role, but my first role ever was Barbershop 2 when I was nine. Oh, damn.

Nine. So you're, hey, you're a child actor who's doing great. Thank you. What a dream. I love that. This is good for you. I love that. Thank you so much.

Do you think like, I don't know, this is a weird question. Do you think you grew up a little faster, like being in a business of adults? I think I grew up faster in some ways and then slower in other ways, to be quite honest with you. Oh, interesting. I think I grew up faster in ways of business. Like, honey, I know the business back and forwards, honey. Like, I'm in that thing. And it's like, you can't tell me nothing.

I'm in that thing. And it's like, you can't tell me nothing. Like, you know, but then when it comes to some social things, I didn't go to high school. And I think high school is really important in terms of like you're learning, you know, just learning like how to recognize things and people and scenarios. And obviously, you're not a genius in social, you know social realities at at high school at 18 you still continue to learn them in college etc etc but I did always feel like I was just a little bit delayed and some of the things that it was almost given Lindsay Lohan and Mean Girls I put it like that where it's like Lindsay Lohan's character was smart you know I'm saying but it just took her seconds to know like oh these girls are trying to use me or they're trying to. But once she got it, she got it.

You know what I'm saying? So I think for me, in some ways, that's how I was socially, you know, kind of like extremely naive and also not even just naive, but like not really always aware of how much my popularity would be weaponized to other people or something or something that they felt competitive with I didn't because I overlooked it so much and I saw it so much as a job in a business I never realized how much other people felt kind of overshadowed by that and how that influenced some of my social experiences that's interesting because I always, in my brain, I was like, oh, people who've been in the business for a very long time are fast-tracked to being adults but being stunted socially

makes a ton of fucking sense because you're not around enough people your own age to be like, oh, this is what happens with this. That's fucking interesting. Yeah, it is. It definitely was interesting. My mom used to always help me with that because I would always be like, kind of, why is this happening? And she said, you know, she was like, Kiki, this is the normalest shit that could ever happen to you.

And trust me, you would be going through it a lot more often, a lot more, you know, just it would be so much more common to you if you were in high school. Like when I was talking to you about like how many times has that happened to people with a boyfriend, you know, messed around with their best friend or their best friend lied to him or, you know, that some of that stuff is like so it's like, oh, that happened to me in junior high. You know what I mean? But me, it was like it happened to me once and that's all I needed. You know, I mean, it's like a little bit more dramatic of an experience because I did not go to a I was not in a scenario where these kind of realities happen all the time. Real quick, we gotta take a break. Kiki, I have another question. Okay, how do you meet people?

So your first kiss was found via the internet. Do you do apps? Do you meet people in person? I've found via the internet do you do apps do you meet people in person I've done them I've done apps um but I do prefer to meet people in person and through mutual scenarios you know what I mean like yes I think it's best it's safer that way I mean I wish so badly that I could do the same things that everyone else does. And I mean, I imagine in some certain areas, I probably could. Everybody's not overly aware of me and what I do. So I think it could happen. You know what I mean?

If I was in another country or another place in the world, I probably could enjoy that in that regards a little bit more than I do. But in the US of H, I just got gotta stick with those that I know and and and and try to meet people that are in their world now that doesn't mean only celebrities because I'm not actually into the whole celebs dating gag that's not okay I'm kind of feeling more of like the Meryl Streep of it all I'm kind of feeling more of the you know Julie Roberts of it all the Dolly Parton of it all like where it's like this is one part of my life and then i can you know my relationship allows me now i'm not saying i it never will happen but i don't

really necessarily search for it that way like you know for someone in the industry um because it's just weird to me sometimes but yeah i like to just try to meet people that I can meet through my friends you know what I mean okay here's a question for me do you have any single friends who are looking so I tried to be part of your family now I'm gonna be trying to try to be part of your friend group you got any friends looking so I do have friends looking uh they're I mean I don't know if you're into women but all my friends that are looking are are women they're like, you know, available as well trying to find people to date. You know, that's the damn shame. All we have, like everybody that I know that's looking for someone. And this is the thing.

It's not that I don't know any guys that are looking, that aren't looking for someone. But they just have such, so many options. They get on my damn nerves. And it's getting to the point where they know. Why is that? I don't know. They know the damn stats. Why do men seem to have more options than women? Because it's getting to the point where they know I don't know they know the damn stats why do men seem to have more options

than women but because it's more of us it's more of a women wait there's more women in the world it's more women in the world can you believe that and they're now getting to the point where they're spitting the stats back at us can you believe this shit they're like it's more of you than us it's like to every

six women there's one man can you believe that i really didn't know that that's disheartening i mean i'm gonna say they got the nerve they got the nerve to question fluidity but look at what the stats are saying yeah there's no other way there isn't enough yeah i don't really identify as anything and i feel very weird when people try to pigeonhole and be like so you're bisexual bisexual. I'm like, no. Me too. You're queer. No, I'm just Nicole.

And I fall in love with whoever I fall in love with. I generally seek out men. But like, hey, if anybody else wants to come through and we vibe, I'm willing to try it. You never fucking know. Yeah, exactly. That's the same way that I feel, too. And it's like, I guess some people try to say that reality would say that you're queer. And it's like, if it makes you feel good to try and put me in a box, then I guess that's your prerogative. But I feel the exact same way that you do where it's like, I just want to be me. Shit. And I want to do that in every aspect of my life, not just my sexuality, but also my how I politically view shit. Like, stop trying to tell me that I'm right left or up or down why can't i just be me damn yeah it's like i fully agree i did a a book report i don't know so we had to like research a time period in high school and we researched the harlem renaissance and i can't remember who

said this but they were like gay straight whatever i'm just me screaming at the top of this roof just being authentically myself and i'm misquoting this horrifically but like that's how i feel uh kiki i ask all of my guests this would you date me yes hell yes we would have a blast oh what a dream yeah no we would have so much fun i agree i mean i have so many glasses that i'm like i should show you my purple rhinestones i have such insane glasses that like truly make no sense okay kiki thank you so much for being here thank you too thank you this is a lot of fun wait before you go do you have anything you want to promote um yes i mean check me out on Instagram also check out my new network KTV it's um available everywhere like YouTube Facebook Instagram we have some good content over there that I'm very

excited to share and then also check out my podcast baby this is Kiki Palmer uh-huh and also literally I'm gonna be on SNL tomorrow. So also wish me luck there. And I hope that you guys enjoy the show. Good luck and fucking congratulations. You're going to fucking kill it. You're going to be so good on it. I'm very excited to watch. Also, my friend Eggo is on the show.

I love Eggo. Oh my gosh. Well, I can't wait to meet Eggo. Tell her I said hello. I will. Bye, Kiki. Bye. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me You can like it, you can rate it

You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts Also, if you write me something dirty And email it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com I will read it Also, if you want advice, questions If we have crazy dating stories or advice for me or just comments, you can also send those too. I haven't been reading them, but there might be an off chance where I'm like, hmm, let's get into it. Okay. Also,

they don't have to be super long. Also, you don't have to send dick pics um or butt pics or titty pics okay if we had sex i would tie up your hands with your discarded leggings put you on your front and eat you from behind fucking both your holes with my tongue and fingering your pussy. I'd spread you wide with three, four fingers before fucking with my wrist-thick strap-on. I would run my hands down your back as you accommodate my cock, pushing it to the hilt. Then I'd push your head into the pillow and pound you,

spanking you hard until you're begging to cum. When you've begged enough, I'll put my Satisfyer Pro on your clit and wish that I could feel you clenching around my dick as you tumble over the edge. When you begin to jerk with overstimulation, I'd keep the vibrator there and keep pounding you, making you come again and again. I won't ask much for you. I usually fall asleep after I come, but I would suck on your tits and call your mommy while you get me off of the vibrator. So there's that. Much love. That was fun. Thank you. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me,

Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.