Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Kiss (w/ Matt Ingebretson)

Episode Date: March 1, 2019

"A fun thing that I like to do is when kissing someone, is to open my eyes to see what their face looks like."Matt Ingebretson (Corporate) talks all about kissing - the stress of going in for the first kiss, when to use tongue, and whether you should keep your eyes open or closed for the duration of it. They also discuss whether being on TV has helped their dating life, and what a "date night" looks like for couples in the modern day. Nicole realizes she's moaning in her sleep.Be sure to check out season 2 of Corporate on Comedy Central!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though, if you want me to stop talking, you can just put your dick in my mouth. Isn't that awful? My guest today, the person you just heard say, oh God, has a show on Comedy Central called Corporate. It's very funny. I just watched an episode of it. You know him.

You love him. Oh, also he hosts a show in LA called Good Heroin. It's on Saturday, every Saturday. At Stories, astore in Echo Park. Matt Ingabresen. Hello, Nicole. Did I do it right? Did I say it right?

Oh, what a treat. What a dream. Sometimes, all the time, I butcher people's last names. Me too. It is horrifying when you're hosting a show, too, to go on stage and be like, and I forgot to ask them how to do it. It's one of the reasons why I don't like hosting. Yeah, because I forget credits.

I mispronounce names. I don't do credits anymore. I just say and here's this next person. I like that. I don't understand credits. I know. Because what happens like they're going to like me so much that they're going to like try to remember the credit to be like, I have to understand credits. I know. Who gives a shit? Because what happens? They're going to like me so much that they're going to try to remember the credit to be like, I have to watch this person again. They were on TV once.

Now I like them. Before, I did not. Before, they were a piece of trash. But now, they're upscale trash because they've been on television. You're on TV. I'm on TV. How does it feel? It feels pretty good.

Your billboards are fucking everywhere. I know. That is strange. It's fun to drive by and be like, look, France! Every time I see one, I'm like, what is happening in my life right now? But I'm also struck with like,

because this, I'm not even trying to be negative, may never happen to me again. Billboard's in LA. There's a chance, like who the fuck knows what will happen in my life. Who knows? So I'm like looking and I'm like, appreciate this, Matt.

Live life to the fullest. But I'm still usually not doing that. Have you spent any amount of time hanging around below one to see if anybody goes, wow! Wow! Like their eyes pop out and they die any amount of time hanging around below one to see if anybody goes, whoa! Whoa! Like their eyes pop out and they die

because they're like, the person just died! I'm having a heart attack! He's big up there and my size here! You killed me, Matt! Engelbertson! No, I have not.

We had somebody take a photo of us below one, which felt, we were like, hey, this is the most awkward thing. We're so sorry we're about to do this, had somebody take a photo of us below one, which felt cheap. We were like, hey, this is the most awkward thing. We're so sorry we're about to do this, but please take a photo of us because this will never happen again. I like it.

I think it's cute. Matt. Yes. You are in a relationship, yes? Yes. And you've been in a relationship for? Four years. Four years.

That's the length of high school. And you're in your senior year of your relationship. We're about to go to college. Are we going to stay together? Oh, wow. That's the big question. Will you go to the same school? Were you on apps before you found your current partner?

Yes. And I found her on an app. We found each other on an app. Which one? Tinder. Fuck. Isn't that fucked up? Yeah.

I think I missed the part of Tinder where people meet and stay together. Well, we barely, I don't know how it happened because we were both about done with it.

Like, we were, I was at the point of Tinder where I was setting up dates walking distance from my house only. That was like a prerequisite. And I was like, I was becoming bad at first dates. I was getting to the point where I was essentially interviewing them like podcast style.

Okay. And just like, who are you? What do you do? What's your family life like? What are your, just like. Wait, a first date question is what's your family life like what are your just like wait a first date question is what's your family life like yes nicole what do you talk about on a first date how many dicks i like to gobble no uh i don't think i've ever thought to ask well i guess it's because i'm not like super close with my family okay so i guess that wouldn't be on the docket of questions for me. It is borderline inappropriate to get into that on a first date.

But I just almost in like a out of boredom would start kind of getting in, try to get in as deep as I could first date. Oh, interesting. Partially because like first dates can be such a waste of time. And it's like it sucks to, you want to at least get, I want some sense that there's a chance here before I agree to a second date. And if we don't, if we can't get into it a little bit, I don't have any faith in it. Did you ask your current girlfriend about her family on the first date? Do you remember? Yeah, I think so.

And she gave an answer good enough for a second date. She passed the test. She was like, I murdered my family. On to the next question. They're all dead. And that's good for me. She was like, I murdered my family. On to the next question. They're all dead. And that's good for me. I was like, great. When did you decide that you wanted to go out on a second?

Who asked who out on the second date? I probably did, I think. Yeah, I think we kissed on the first date. Okay. Which was cool. Uh-huh. That was a big breakthrough I made at some point in my 20s Because first kisses are

Used to be so terrifying Uh and then I realized like Oh you could just say out loud like I want to kiss you And then you don't have to try to like Find the moment Where like oh we just made eye contact Oh no she looked away should I go in? No.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think it's nice to be asked because anytime a face is coming closer to me and I'm not sure it's happening, my first instinct is to pull back and go, what are you doing? Well, it's crazy. And then they're like trying to kiss you and you're like, well, I ruined it. Do you want to try now? Which has happened to me numerous times.

I totally empathize with, and this doesn't always happen, but often men or traditionally men go in for the kiss. And I can imagine it must feel crazy a lot of the times to be on the receiving end of that. Especially if you're not sure if you want to do it or you just didn't see it coming at all. You were checking your phone and suddenly- And then all of a sudden there's a face coming at you kind of slowly with their lips parted and eye closed. Wrinkled lips. Or both eyes.

Usually it's both eyes. A fun thing I like to do is when I'm kissing someone is to open my eyes to see what their face looks like, which is crazy because if anyone ever opened their eyes see me with my eyes how romantic deep eye contact while kissing that would be so scary if my eyes are open and then their eyes open we're still kissing but i'm waiting for that moment because that means i have to marry that person because they want to know what I look like. But don't you ever want to know what a face up close looks like when you're kissing it?

I'll sneak a peek. Do you? Oh, sure. Okay, great. I'm not alone. I feel like you're lying to me, though. I'm not at all. Okay.

I want to know. It's just everyone looks dumb kissing. Yeah, because it's also like, yeah, you can't see. The angle you're at is so strange, too. Their face looks distorted. It looks like a fisheye lens or something. Yes, because it's so close to you. Yeah.

It's my favorite thing to do. First kiss, though. Pretty good. Can be good. It's good? Yeah. Or it's an immediate sign of like, no. I've had some bad first kisses where I'm like, surely this will be better the next time.

Yeah. And then it's not. And you're like, well, our lips don't match. I had a first and last kiss once where we were in the parking lot. Actually, behind Stories Books and Cafe where I do that show. We had gone on a date at El Prado. And we were kissing by the, or hanging out by like her car. And we like discussed that we'd like to kiss now.

We signed the contract that he signed. And then she came in. And I, cause I had my eyes open. Tongue out. Leading. Leading with the tongue. No. No.

I wish you could see. The listeners won't be able to know this, but you can imagine it. But I think they can imagine a tongue out. That's gross. And then I received it. And you opened your mouth right up to get that tongue? Here it comes. Here comes the airplane. Oh, I wish he had made noises.

And then we, but it was too heavy of a tongue kiss for me, especially right off the bat. Listen, I like tongue, but for a first contact, I want it to mostly be lip. I also want it to mostly be lip. But if you like sneak a little tongue in. Sure, of course. Like after like, I don't know, 20 seconds of a kiss. Oh, absolutely. I'm like, oh, okay, I guess we're going to make out now.

I'm not a prude. But like you can't just start by making out. It's psychotic. That's too much. Give me a peck. Or give me a smooch. A little smooch. Yeah.

I'm trying to think of the worst kiss I ever had. Also, real quick, on that story, that same time that we were kissing, and I've told this on stage before, but while we were making out, she noticed, it was very late, this man across the parking lot sitting on the ground watching us jerking off. Yes! Yes! You gave him a show! We didn't. We didn't stop either. We did not stop.

See, okay. Because we're good people. You are good people. But honestly, this is where consent lines blur. Obviously, you didn't consent to have a man jerk off in front of you. But then you saw it and you were like, now we consent. It would have been good if we gave him like a thumbs up. Yes.

Go to town, my friend. Where does jizz go when you don't have a home? That's a great question, Nicole. Where does the Jizz go? Where does the Jizz go? When you don't have a home. Like, did he come on the sidewalk? Are we just stepping on tons of crusty Jizz?

I think so. Did he come in the street? Did he come in a dirty cloth? So he was sitting, like, legs out in front of him, like back against a wall. Okay. So I'm curious if he came onto himself or if he like tilted left or right to come onto the sidewalk. I wonder. Seems like not a great situation.

No, it's not. And I think this is one of the real reasons why we need to solve this homeless crisis yes just so everybody could jerk off indoors that's the main reason also like a homeless lady that's that's like a show if she wants to fucking like rub one out sure you i guess you don't have to completely disrobe i'm like trying to think of the logistics where I'm like, okay, so I guess I pull them down kind of. But then you're like, it's like, I think it's just easier to jerk off. Yeah, but it's a problem. You're like exposing yourself.

There's no way to not expose yourself in a terrible way. You're right. Well, you have a home. I have a home. I have a home too. So I guess we don't have to worry about that. Thank God. Unless we become homeless. But I do a podcast, so I have a home too. So I guess we don't have to worry about that. Thank God. Unless we become homeless.

But I do a podcast, so I'm rich in words. You're rich and famous. Okay. So before you found your current partner on Tinder, and you were like over Tinder, just setting up dates near your house. I feel like I sound like a sociopath. So funny.

Is it crazy? It was a little crazy, but it was mostly just I was like I would go through phases with Tinder where I'd go on a lot of dates and then I'd be like I can't do this anymore and give up on it. And I was on the verge of giving up. And the step right before that was, if it's walking distance who cares i'll just go yeah i do a lot of dates at a just like this shitty little dive bar where the bartender every time i bring someone new there she's like maybe this one will work and i'm like cool i'm glad you've noticed but i mean another thing that happened on that same date actually was we went to El Prado and I walked in and people I knew were at the bar and they were like, hey, how's it going? I was like, fuck.

I'm like, I'm here on a first date. And they're like, cool, we're going to watch you as a joke. But then they just did. But then they watched you. They just watched me be on a first date. Oh, that's very funny. Hell. watched me be on a first date that's very funny hell i i hardly run into people when i'm like out with friends or alone yeah but i constantly run into people when i'm on dates like people i

know and then people have started to recognize me while i'm on dates and i feel like that makes men uncomfortable yes especially when they have to take a picture of me and someone who likes what I do. And then leaving is very weird because then they're like, what was that like for you? And I'm like, well, what was it like for you? That's hell. I mean, what a nice little humble brag, but it's gotten very strange. I'll bet, because you are on Netflix now. You're on like a popular Netflix show.

I am. The children and the stoners like it. Which I think is the people who fucking watch. Like parents, children, and like stoners who are like, I smoked a blunt and then y'all were crazy. Do you feel like, and stop me if I'm repeating anything that's been discussed on this podcast before, that this is helping or hurting your dating life? I have no clue. Yeah yeah i don't know uh i don't know like uh i only know if you know who i am if you tell me sometimes they'll wait till like an hour or two into the date to let me know and i'm like oh that maybe earlier would have been you know better

uh i don't know if it's helping or hurting right i have it's increasing your reach yes my engagement levels are really you know growing on on the tinder yeah but um yeah it's it's been a little weird yeah i don't know i don't know what people want from me i know i'm i feel both uh i feel mostly lucky that i'm in a relationship while i'm having a tv show because i think it would be confusing to be out there while i'm on tv it would just be a totally new dynamic that i'm not used to i guess like theoretically exciting right because like there's more options maybe yes but it confusing. But are they like genuine options? Right. Are these nice people?

Do you, when you were single, did you have chuckle fuckers? Did you ever fuck anyone after shows? No, I did not. Really? I know.

I don't think I'm, I think I maybe wasn't great at sussing out when somebody was creating an opening for me. Ah. And also, and maybe I'm projecting i could never tell i don't think i'm i'm not fishing for compliments here or anything i don't i don't know if i'm someone who women see is like i want to make a mistake with this guy tonight i think i give off the vibe of like this guy might be a responsible father one day. Do you agree with that or no?

Maybe you are kind of like the latter where I'm like, oh, yes, he seems like he's got his life together. But I feel like that would encourage a woman to hit on you because you're like, well, he might treat me nice. And that's different than the norm. I'll go for that. I'm very surprised that you've never fucked anyone after a show. Yeah, I haven't. I feel like, I mean, in L.A., if you are a white male stand-up comedian and you're not famous yet, which I wasn't.

I don't think I'm famous yet still. But before the show, I was like not famous all, so I'm a dime a dozen. There's plenty of me out there, so I don't think I ever reached the status when I was single as a comedian where I would have had the status to do that, I think. Fair. I think. I don't know. I don't know. We'll never know unless we find a DeLorean and go back in time.

Have you had sex with people after shows? No. Ladies don't have chuckle fuckers. They don't. I get a lot of men who are like, whoa, that was actually pretty funny, and I think you should keep doing this. And I'm like, whoa, thank you. Wow, Joe is your name. thank you so much joe i was gonna

give up and kill myself tonight but now i've got the strength to carry on joe that's what i get after shows it's great and i love it that's hell everything is hell um this i can't wait for earth to be done. I know. It feels like we're getting there. I think we're getting there pretty fast. It seems like we're living the last good years right now. And they're not even that good.

They're not even that good. The president can't spell hamburger. That really got me. Oh, it's so funny. It is so terrible, but it's really so funny what's happening. Hamburgers. Good God. It made me laugh so hard

maybe harder than it should have i don't i was really just stuck on that i was like how the way you spelt it it's not even a mistake like do you know do you know what a hamburger is or maybe you think they're hamburgers. Hamburger. Hamburger. Give me the hamburger. Oh, man. I mean, the next two years are going to be wild.

The next two to six years. Yeah. Because he might get reelected. He could. Or hopefully, or impeach. But it's hard. I have no clue. I have no gut instinct either way.

Me either. But also, impeachment sounds like fun. And I know it's not a fun thing for the person going through it but like let's get impeached! Right? It would be so fun

to watch him get impeached. I'm just saying the word impeachment sounds like a good time. Yeah, impeachment. You want to get impeachment tonight? Hey girl, let's get impeached. Let's get impeached tonight.

Yeah, you want to get like you want to drink some impeachment? It sounds like a nasty little cocktail. Like a vodka and impeachment. Thank you. What is, is this the longest relationship you've been in? I've been in, before that, a year-long relationship. In high school, I was in a year-long relationship.

And then, mid-level 20-something, I was in a relationship. Okay, so this person in high school i was in a year-long relationship and then that's uh mid level 20 something i was in a relationship okay so this person in high school where did you wait we need to take a break okay and now we're back this person in high school uh did you meet in biology, algebra, chemistry, or English class? Or civics or economics? Or PE or recess or lunchtime. I want to say we met in English class. Okay. She was on the dance team.

Oh, so she could move. She could move. Okay. Oh, so she can move. She can move. Okay. Although some of the most awkward experiences of my life were watching her and her modern dance troupe. High school modern dance is really something to witness.

Just like sort of demonic convulsions. I love it. Everyone in a unitard trying to move. Yeah. It's so disturbing. It was like, yeah. But she was on the dance team. I was on the drum line.

Okay. And so it was sort of a match made in heaven. It sounds like you're a black man and you went to a black school. You were on drum line. She's on the dance team. Imagine Nick Cannon. Was she white? Yeah. Okay.

So you're just a white school who does traditionally black things. Great. Yeah, that's right. Okay, so you're just a white school who does traditionally black things. Great. Yeah, that's right. Okay, cool. We met. I was very nervous. I was very scared of talking to women at that time.

I don't really know how it happened. I do remember our first kiss, which it took me a while to build up the courage to kiss her, was while watching, I believe, the movie Harold and Kumar at my friend's house. He was also on the drumline, also dating a dancer. We were on, I guess, a double date watching the movie. They started kissing, and then we felt like we also had to start kissing. I love that your first kiss with this person was purely based on peer pressure. Terrible.

And I remember it was really hard because we were at an angle she was like lying on my arm her head sort of down and facing away from me okay so i had no easy way of like trying to make it happen i think i might have even tapped on her head if i i can't exactly remember to get her to turn I hope you tapped on her head and she looked up and then your mouth just came down to her. Tongue first. Tongue first. Just like, I got to get it in there. And then how long did you date? A year?

A year. Okay. And then it was a terror. I didn't, there were probably like three to four months before I ended it. I knew I wanted to end it, but I was so scared of ending it. Okay. And eventually I like slowly started being distant from her, which is a terrible thing to do. So you just like stopped responding on the phone.

Yeah. You're putting up away messages on AIM. Uh-huh. Okay. I had an outgoing message on my inbox. Oh, okay. No, I'm kidding. Really?

Just avoiding her? It was terrible. And then finally she was like, what is going on? And I was like, let's go to Sonic. And so I picked her up and we went to Sonic. Uh-huh. And then I told her that I wanted to break up. Mm-hmm.

And then I started crying. Did you order first or? We ordered first. Okay, good. I want her to I wanted to break up. And then I started crying. Did you order first? We ordered first. Okay, good. I want her to get some treats. I was sobbing. She didn't cry at all. Okay.

And then I think we got tater tots and slushies. All right. Why were you crying? I don't know. I think it just felt traumatizing to me. I think I just didn't know how to handle those emotions at all fair because we don't teach men to have emotions that's right which is curious i wonder why why don't we do that it seems so obvious that it would be a good to be like they're human beings huh they probably feel uh- No, they don't feel.

They're fine. They're whatever. Don't cry, you little pussy. Don't be a bitch. Have you ever cried breaking up with anybody else? No. No, I have not. Okay.

I do, yeah, I've broken up, I guess, with, I broke up with that girlfriend in my next year-long relationship. I ended that one as well. Did you do the same thing? Did you get distant? No. That one I think I handled, I mean, there's no good way to, it's always hell, but I handled it the best I could, which is that basically the moment I started being like, I don't think I want to be in this, I texted her and was like, we need to talk. And then she was like i'm coming over

right now and then i frantically googled how to break up with someone tips uh-huh um and i read a good tip what what was the tip okay well because they were like you're going to at some point during the breakup want to stop breaking up with them unless they're unless it's mutual it's going to, at some point during the breakup, want to stop breaking up with them. Unless it's mutual, the emotion is going to be running so high and you're going to feel so bad this is happening that you're going to want to be like, never mind, let's not break up. And so the tip was like, know that that's coming and fight through that and just end it. Okay. Don't let your sympathy or whatever get the better of you be a cold-hearted psychopath just be really cold put those emotions in a box and

break her heart have you ever wait you i've been listening to some of your podcasts you've never been in a long-term relationship sure haven't so you've never had to like break up with someone in this way sure haven't okay well, I'll tell you what. It feels awful unless you are a psychopath and it feels worse to be broken up with, no doubt. But if you love, often even at the end of a relationship, you still love this person. And it feels, it's a nightmare to have to like draw this line in the sand where you're like, we have to, you know how we've been hanging out multiple times a week? We're going to never do that again. Never again. It's crazy.

That is crazy. And then you never saw her again. Or did you like hang out one more time? Well, no, because a mistake I made in a somewhat shorter but still serious relationship in college was we broke up and we were like, let's still remain really close friends and talk all the time and it was devastating to do that because it's like reopening a wound over and over again and so in this breakup I was like I think we need to we can talk a little bit but I think we need to take a serious break from each other for a few months before we really talk about this again so that's what we did so it really was like a band-aid and then we didn't other for a few months before we really talk about this again. So that's what we did. So it really was like a band-aid and then we didn't speak for a few months.

And then we got coffee. And then it was good? And everyone was doing well? Everyone was like, good. I feel happy all the time now. What a relief. This is what I needed. I needed to be broken up with so I could really live my true life.

No, neither of us felt good. But it was like obviously the right thing to do, but it doesn't feel good. Yeah, I've never been in a long, long-term thing. I've been in like an on and off again thing where like we'd be on and then off for a couple months and then like really wouldn't talk during those months. And then on again and talking a lot. It was a very weird thing to be in. But then also I was like traveling a lot and then working a lot. So then it was like kind of helpful that I was like, like oh i don't have to worry about this person for a couple

months oh now he's back in my life what a treat and then besides that i think the longest thing i've been like nothing ever goes past two months for me i've only dated like i'll only date people for like two months and then i guess i did ghost one person that I dated for like two months. But also they like ghosted me. Like it was a mutual ghosting where we just like, we like hung out one last time and then like never really talked to each other again. It was like, okay. Have you in your travels through men? Yes.

Met anyone where you're like, I think that this would work. met anyone where you're like, I think that this would work. And then it just, like, have you met an archetype of a person that you're like, this is essentially what I'm looking for? Yeah, I've met numerous people where I was like,

oh, I think this is a person I'd like to spend the next chunk of my life with. And then it just, it always fizzles or it doesn't work out. And a lot of times it's not me. I'm a perfect person. No, I know that like I am a little too much. My schedule is a little bonkers.

So I don't know. I mean, it is hard to. It's a fucking cliche, but it is hard to like have a career where you work constantly and also carve out the time to be good to somebody yeah because it's you then you have like two full-time jobs or like in my case like four full-time jobs because you know you do a podcast if you're on a show you're on a show if you're touring you're touring if you're writing something you have to write shit and then you're like oh and i have to squeeze in a relationship that's very hard yes it is and exhausting how do you do it do you like date night do people still do people have date nights in relationships this is a weird question we kind of do i mean we we don't have like we're not so deep into the relationship where we're like, we have to be robotic about it now because all of the romance is gone.

But we do go on date. I think it's still good because you can just slip into like, it's so nice to like, do nothing together and like, come home and like, let's order food and like, do nothing. That you, I do notice like, it's good to sometimes make the effort of like let's dress up let's put clothes on and go out into the world and present ourselves you know so yeah i guess we kind of do what was the last date night you had we went to this restaurant in highland park called oh fuck anyway it's like it's like what was the restaurant called? Fuck, what is it called? Not birds? Birds is on Franklin. It's not that.

It's not birds and a feather. Fuck, it's something like that. Little Bird, Little Bird Boy. I hope that's the name of the restaurant. We went to this restaurant called Little Bird Boy. A little boy served us a cooked bird. Actually, you know what? Something a little crazy happened to me on that date

So we went out And we got a little bit dressed up I think I wore a sports jacket I looked like a young responsible father Nice And we got there And we sat down and I needed to use the restroom So without we'd been there less than five minutes

I go it's a single stall restroom A young woman comes up next to me and is like are you waiting i was like yeah and then she like was kind of staring at me and then the person in the restroom came out i want to use the restroom came out and and i was like all yours and she's like haha and then she grabbed my arm and said you're so beautiful. Oh. And I was like, oh. And I think what she was hoping, or the vibe I got was, come into this restroom with me.

Oh my God, she wanted to fuck you. I think, yeah. After you either took a dump or just peed a little. I had just peed a little and I was on a date night wearing a sports jacket. And yes, I looked beautiful. Maybe she had never a date night wearing a sports jacket and yes i look beautiful maybe she had never seen a man wearing a sport coat what is a like a blazer it's a blazer why is it called a sport coat i don't know i think why do we call them restrooms i'm never taking a rest

i know i'm always pushing one out i have taken rest in restrooms. At jobs, I've slept in the bathroom. Once fell asleep at JFK on a toilet because I was pretty hungover. It was like this cold stall. The little partition was so cold on my face. I was like, this feels so good. So then I set an alarm in my phone so I wouldn't miss my flight. I've done that. Not in a restroom, but at an airport I've fallen asleep. It's tough to travel when you're hungover.

It feels terrible. One of the worst experiences I ever had traveling was coming back from Montreal. I woke up at 2.30 the previous morning. I was at Just for Laughs. I ate. I was drunk. I ate, I was drunk and I passed on the way out of the bar a stand, a true TV stand that was handing out bagel and lox, raw salmon. Oh.

And I decided at 2.30 in the morning that it was a good idea to eat one of those. No. I woke up, realized I had made a terrible mistake. Oh, no. I was like, I have, my flight left in like three hours, but I was like, I have to get to a pharmacy. So I called an Uber, got into the Uber to go to a pharmacy.

Within two minutes, I had him pulled over and was throwing up out the side of the Uber. He was furious at me, totally understandably because I had just gotten into his car

and immediately started throwing up like a fucking maniac. I need to get in this car. So then he like minutes later pulled over and kicked me out. It was like, walk, made me walk the rest of the way.

Oh no. So then I stumbled to the pharmacy, bought a bunch of medicine in French. I didn't know what any of it really was. And then traveled 60. My flight got delayed 16 hour flight with like mild food poisoning on the way. No. Terrible.

That is bad. It was bad. I truly just am pretty hung over on flights and have to eat a bunch of Pepto-Bismol to the point where my poop turns black and then I worry I'm going to die. What? And I have to remember that I took a bunch of Pepto-Bismol. You didn't know that if you take. My God.

I think it's charcoal. I think it's just pink charcoal. And. Why doesn't it turn pink? I don't know, but your shit turns blacker than the night. So, like, if you take enough of it and you take a dump, you will look in the toilet and go, this is death. I'm dying. And you're like, I don't really feel good.

This is it. And then you're like, oh, nope, just ate a bunch of Pepto-Bismol. I think that is a side effect. I could be wrong. a bunch of Pepto-Bismol. I think that is a side effect. I could be wrong. What profession do you imagine yourself settling down with?

A bus driver. Wait, what do you mean? No, I answered the question before I heard the whole question. Also a bad answer. No offense to bus drivers. Like settling, like an occupation

for my significant other. I thought you were asking about me. I want to be a bus driver. That's really, I want to be like, honk, honk, get on. And they'd be like, Nicole, why don't you honk the real horn?

I'm like, because then traffic will think I'm trying to tell them something. Honk, honk, get on. That would be my catchphrase. People will make sure it's going to be great. I feel like I want to see that TV show. It's called Hong Kong Get On.

Hong Kong Get On. It's 30 seconds long. I'm always with a different wig, different hair. So you say Hong Kong Get On, the children get on, and then you crash the bus. And then we all die. Each episode, I'm like more and more hurt.

Hong Kong Get On. It's like, Nicole, are you okay and more hurt. Yeah. Use bandages. Get on. It's like, Nicole, are you okay? Stop filming this show. No, I keep crashing. Let's see. Okay. I guess I thought I'd end up with a comic.

That doesn't seem to be the prophecy fulfilling. Unless I wait a couple years and everyone's coming out of divorces and stuff. Yeah. And then I was like, maybe a producer. But then I was like, producers make a lot of money. And I feel like they want like a prize, like a trophy-esque like wife. And Nicole, maybe you are a prize. No, I'm too loud to be somebody's prize.

I'm your prize. Hog hog, I'm your prize. Hog hog, I'm your trophy wife. I don't think it works for me. I think a trophy wife has to be quiet. I think that's part of it, because you're a trophy. You're stoic and quiet. You're an object.

And they're like, she's not a trophy wife. She's a loud wife. This is my loud wife. I think that's how someone would have to introduce me. Do you want to meet my loud wife? I suppose more than profession, you're just looking for someone who is secure with themself. Yeah. I want someone who knows who they is. Someone who likes me.

Because I've dated people who seem to, in hindsight, I was like, oh, I think they liked the idea of me, like didn't actually like me right which is a hard thing to grapple grapple grapple that means hold on to this has been an extremely informative podcast we learned that Pepto turns your shits black and we learned about the word grapple. Grapple means hold on to. Yeah, it's tough. I've had some of my girlfriend's friends be like, do you have any friends you can introduce? And I'm like, no.

But like, why? I don't. Well, comedians are tough. Comedians are tough. They're tricky. I rarely would want to be like, and here's a comedian for you. It needs to be someone who's probably seeking that out. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I don't even know who like is ever seeking out a comedian.

I know. Other than like a comedian. But you have something else that many comedians don't have, which is success. You're a successful comedian i'm doing all right you're doing great thank you um yeah i don't know i don't know i've asked lots of male friends if they have any old person that they'd want to set me up with and everyone's like let me think about. Nobody has ever been like thought about it. Yeah. And yes. And here he is, Darren.

I would love to meet Darren. I would love to meet him. Darren has big muscles and a strong mind. Sure. Okay. I'm into Darren. I like big muscles. A strong mind is, sounds like a good time.

Do you have any friends for me? I've got one guy that I thought I don't know if he's I could tell you about him But I don't know He doesn't have big muscles That's fine Okay, he's an editor

Okay, that's great He's very open-minded, kind Almost, he's a little quiet Like he might be He might be a yin to your yang Okay Like he would not He's extremely funny But he's might be a yin to your yang. Okay.

He's extremely funny, but he's not as high energy as you are. Okay. Although, I would imagine you're not this high energy all the time. I mean, for the most part, I'm screaming. Even when you're sleeping, your snores are like. Well, I do moan in my sleep. You do? What? My friend Marcy and I were.

Where were we? I can't remember, but she was like, Nicole, do you know how you currently sleep? And I was like, no, how?

She's like, you buried your face in the pillow and moaned for most of the night. So like, I slept with my hands under my face into the pillow, just going,

mm, mm. So you, you must have been having a good dream. Yes, and then she had told me, and then I was like, my face into the pillow, just going mmm, mmm. You must have been having a good dream. Yes, and then she had told me, and then I was like, this makes sense as to why flight attendants say to me, well, you slept well, didn't you?

Because I guess they're like, she's having a full-blown sex dream. But I'm not having sex dreams, I'm just moaning. That is such in line with you as a person that you are emitting pleasurable moans while asleep you're it's like a cartoon character but yep i'm like this most of the time. Okay, tell me more about this boy.

Where does he live? Where in LA? Los Feliz. Ooh, that's close to where maybe I live. Oh yeah? Can you be a little more vague about that actually? I'd like to know a little less about where you live. Maybe it's close to where

my dwelling is but maybe not maybe not who knows wait nicole i assume you you share your address with your listeners don't you why wouldn't you do that i used to say my old address on stage all the time oh my god all the time because i was I dare you. I dare you to come to my house. It's an apartment building. There are so many doors. You're not going to figure out which door is my door. And I was right. Nobody ever came.

Okay, so he lives maybe sort of close to me, but maybe not. I don't really know. But is he single? Yeah. Tell him about me. Okay. Okay, how would you do this? How are you going to set me up? Well, okay, you know what I would do? But is he single? Yeah. Tell him about me. Okay. Okay. What would you, how would you do this?

How are you going to set me up? Well, okay. You know what I would do? Do it right now. I'll get him on the phone. That would be really good podcasting. Yeah, call him. It would be terrible. He would feel so awkward.

Oh, okay. And you know, because I've never been set up. But the way that I've tried to do it in the past is to not tell either party that it's happening and to just create a circumstance where they're in the same vicinity, like in a small gathering together. So you are a villain who is orchestrating something good. That's what I'm trying to do. Because I've always imagined if someone was like, I want to set you up with her. We're going to go hang out together in a confined space where you both know that the intention is for you to like each other. Feels like too much pressure.

It does feel like a little bit of pressure. But I now know about this. I now have your phone number. I'm going to bother you about this probably tomorrow so okay what are you gonna say to him you have to tell him you have to tell him about me what are you gonna say i'm so excited i'm gonna marry this man well let me ask you this before we get into what i'll say okay you are seem to be in a place and i don't mean to Psychoanalyze you Or give you advice Please do

I have a terrible habit Of giving too much advice But you seem to be In a place where you And I know that this Is a complicated I've had friends go through This before

You want this too badly You do Because like You're It's fucked up your mindset About it I think Oh maybe Don't you think so

Yes Like the fact that you were like I want to be in a relationship Is like Of course But no way You're gonna meet somebody Don't you think so? Yes. Like the fact that you were like, I want to be in a relationship is like, of course, but no way you're going to meet somebody in this mindset. Okay. Well, what mindset do I have to get into? You have to stop.

You can't give a fuck. That's when it happens. Now, that's a conundrum, though. This is why it's terrible advice I'm giving you because you can't turn that off, obviously. But I think there's a little bit of truth to it. It's like you're too fixated on it right now okay do you feel that at all or am I off base by saying that do you think no uh I mean I do a full podcast about it yeah literally try to figure out how to get a husband uh so yes I am fully fixated on it yeah but i mean i get it and there's no way to turn it off

but i guess like to be honest if i if i were single yes and i might and i'm like maybe nicole but your attitude was like i want to get married i i would be like i wonder I wonder if it's the right time with Nicole. Oh, no. Oh, no. But I could be dead wrong. I'll only speak for myself there. But do you empathize with this or do you relate to that at all or no? Yes, I guess because if you do know who I am, you've watched Nailed It,

which means before we go out, you've probably Googled me. And then they're like, oh, she has a podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? And now I'm going to go on a date with her? This is a little overwhelming because I know she wants a relationship. But that being said, it's nice. I think it's nice that a dude would go into a date with me being like she wants a relationship. Totally. That's true. That is the other side of that is he knows what your intentions are yeah so it's like right off the bat if you're gonna go on a date with me this is what i'm

looking for i don't have to tell you and can i also talk to the viewers directly right now and just say that i characterized nicole screaming i to be married, in a little bit of an unfair way. Because Nicole, in my experience, is an extremely warm, inviting, cool individual. And every time I talk to her, I feel understood implicitly in a way that makes me feel good about myself. And I feel lucky to know Nicole. Matt! And I just want to tell any men out there, any good non-piece-of-shit men who are potentially interested in Nicole, don't take my characterization the wrong way. I think she would be great to date.

Hey, thank you. What a lovely PSA. And I really hope the man who was like, you know what I like, Nicole, like turn it off right as soon as you're like, she wants to get married! And he's like, well, now I can't. She wants to get married. Yeah, I fucked it up earlier. But here's the thing you're like she wants to get married he's like well now i can't she wants to get married i fucked it up earlier thing i don't want to get married you don't no and i'm not looking for like a forever person i'm looking for the next chunk of my life person i see sure that's healthy that's actually very healthy i came to that like uh realization in therapy nice because i was like i don't think i want to get

married until like that like i don't know till until we both decide that, like, maybe that's a thing we want to do. Totally. And have a good time with some friends. But I don't know. Just the next chunk of time. Maybe, like, a couple months. Yeah. Maybe a year.

Who knows? I don't care. I just want to tee-hee-hee and giggle with somebody. It is nice. That is, and I don't mean to rub this in, but I'm about to do it. Do it. The loveliest aspect of a relationship

is being lying on a couch watching TV. That's what I want. That's prime time for me. And I don't even know how that happens. Like when? When did you guys decide that you watch tv together i don't know we just nobody ever knows nobody can pinpoint things for me just used i just stumbled into it i even i was so i've been listening to your podcast more since when you uh when i knew i was

coming on it and uh a question you'll often ask is when did you have like the conversation of like why you're exclusive or like are we exclusive yes and i was thinking back to that and i was we had it about three four months in but i don't know why we did it i was like why did we have that conversation i guess because you hit a point where you're like because you want to know if they're stepping out in these streets fucking other people i remember thinking because i brought it up to her and i remember having the thought of if i I'm deep enough in this and I care about her even though it's only a few months enough to where if I found

out she was sleeping with someone else at this point it would hurt my feelings so I guess I need to tell her that and I think that's literally what I told her ah but we just stumbled into it we just it kept being one of those things where it's like oh we still like each other after this date oh I think I want to go out with her again and then then more and more, and then it just snowballed. I'm just trying to sit on someone's couch. Nicole needs a couch. Nicole sits on her floor at home. I don't have a couch in my house.

So I got to just hang out on your couch. That's your main motive for getting into a relationship. Yeah, so I have a place to sit. Yeah, I just feel like it would be like my roommates in a couch. Yeah, so I have a place to sit. Yeah, I just feel like it would be like my roommate's in a relationship and I look at them and I'm like, seems like you're having a great time. You're just like planning stuff

and hanging out and you whisper at each other. Why do you keep whispering? Why can't I listen? Why are you telling each other secrets? I want to know what the secrets are. I just want to be in a secret with somebody. But also, I don't know.

I'm not looking right now. Sure. Like, I have my apps still. They're still a blazing. They're still a going. But I don't really check them right now. Yeah. Because I'm just tired.

You get burned out on it because it's like you go on so many dates and what sucks about first dates especially from online dating is like within five minutes you know yes like i'd sit down with someone even sometimes it and this is maybe too judgmental but like i'd see him as i walked in and be like i I fucked up. This is, already I know they're wearing too many sequins. And then, but I was never, I never had the gall to be like, with half an hour and be like, I already know I don't want this.

I would just, we'd have two drinks. I've only done that twice. Yeah. Where it was like a cash only bar and I like didn't have any more cash and neither did he. And he's like, we could go to an ATM or go to the bar across the street. And I was like, cash only bar and I like didn't have any more cash and neither did he and he's like we could go to an ATM or go to the bar across the street and I was like you know what

I think I'm just gonna go home and then his response was but I live over there and I was like oh uh I was like well I hope you make it over there okay I like didn't know what to say I was like does he want me to like fuck him

he was so boring I can't do that that's rewarding bad behavior that's true and then there was this other guy who just was boring and I didn't like him I know so I had like three drinks and I was like you know what I have to go home and he's like oh that sucks and i was like it does doesn't it and then and then i like ran away oh he oh he was so boring people i'm like how do you are you listening i know well here's I thought about this a little bit because we are in very close proximity to wildly entertaining people. We're comedians. We know other comedians who are like trained to be entertaining.

And so we have a little bit of a unfair, maybe our skewed perspective on that. Even though it's, it's correct. It's, I've often thought thought like it's tough to compete with for example you like i know you so peep so like if i were to go on a first date it'd be like well they're not as fucking entertaining as nicole byer so who the fuck is this person i feel like that all the time because i'm like i could just be with my friends who make me laugh and i have a great time with but they don't fuck me why won they don't fuck me. Why won't my friends fuck me? Yeah, why won't my friends fuck me?

That's your new podcast. Yep. And it's like, one question, why won't you fuck me? And I'm like, because we're friends. That's the end of that podcast episode.

Thank you for listening. All aboard the bus. Honk, honk, get on the bus. But yeah, whenever I go out on a date, I truly, I,

it takes me like a hot second to remember that they don't perform for a living and they're doing their best. Yeah, I know. Because I would too. I don't know if you do this, but I would if I, even if I knew I was like, I don't think this is good. I don't really care for this person. I found myself having the instinct I do like as a performer where I'm like, well, I'll pick up the slack. I'll make this. I'm going to try to make this great great even though I know this isn't good so then sometimes it would almost on the surface feel like a good date or they might get that perception

which was probably shitty of me in a just a subtle way where I was like I was leading them on inadvertently almost but it's not leading them on it's like well I'm here too so I better have a good time that's that's true that's like, well, I'm here too, so I better have a good time. That's, that's true. That's exactly right. But yeah, I've had people asking for second dates where I was like, how did you think the first one was good? Yeah. You were very boring.

I was hilarious. I understand why you want to go out with me again, but why would you want me to go out with you again? You brought nothing to the table. You truly came to the table empty handed. You didn't even have hands. Well, these boring people will meet other boring

people and they'll have great relations get married and then they'll have fucking boring look like nasty little potatoes good god your little potato children well matt yeah we've come to the end yes usually i ask my guests if they would date me, but you already said you would. I feel like you said it. Wait, did I make that up? I'm going to let you believe whatever you want to believe. Wait, Matt, would you date me if you were in a relationship? Honestly, in this moment, I don't think I would because of this podcast.

Is that? Okay. Well, I'll tell you. There are three reasons i won't date you i'm in a relationship yeah we're both comedians that would make me nervous and the public nature however were none of those in place yeah i would be interested sick so if we were just two fucking people living in boise idaho we're're in Boise. We would be dating. Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. Boise is great.

Boise is great. Get on the bus. Honk, honk. Get on the bus. We're going to Boise. Matt, do you have anything you would like to promote? Watch my TV show Corporate on Comedy Central every Tuesday at 1030. I think it's really funny.

I think you'll like it a lot. And follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Matt Ingebretson. Yes, yes, yes. Honestly, your show's very funny. Thank you, Nicole.

I appreciate that. Okay. What episode did I watch at Good Heroin? You watched an episode called The Concert, which is about the struggle as you get a little older

to continue to go out at night. Watch it this Tuesday. I laughed and laughed. But Corbett is very dark and very funny. I really, really like it. I could go on all day about how much I like your TV show, but I won't. Because we're not dating and I don't have to compliment you.

Okay, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe, rate it five stars. If you send me something dirty, I will read it. This person said, Dear Nicole, you are so sexy, smart, and funny. I would date you. I know you don't like soup, so when we went out and got served soup, I'd take your portion, put it in your pussy, then slurp it out with my mouth. You never have to eat soup again. If you were my girl, then I'd toss your salad because I like a balanced meal.

Honestly, is it hot soup? Like, is is my pussy gonna get scalded like i'm a little worried about this proposal like also a uti might happen also like what if a noodle travels to my uterus the traveling noodle would you be more inclined inclined if it was like a lentil soup or maybe a broccoli cheese? Well, I don't want, well, maybe the broccoli cheese would be better because cheese is like dairy,

dairy is like yogurt, yogurt balances your pussy. I think I'm wrong. I don't really know. Anywho, thank you for listening bye bye i fell off a cliff This has been a Team Coco production.