Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Make a Man Commit (w/ Abbi Jacobson)

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Comedian and actress Abbi Jacobson (Broad City, The Mitchells vs the Machines) and Nicole go over a list of ways to make a man commit - is the advice solid or is it all just mind games? Plus, Abbi shares how she met her co-star Ilana Glazer, and their combined failure trying to ask out men over Facebook. She also shares her Raya success story, and her empowering message she sends when asking someone out.  Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter! Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Meena Kulbhair tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could blow glitter right in my eyes and say, uh, deal with it. Okay, my guest today is an actress, writer, and producer who co-created

and starred in the Comedy Central series Broad City. You better believe her voice could be heard in The Mitchells vs. The Machines and in a new podcast series called Hot White Heist. It's Abby Jacobson. I didn't know what you were going to say in that. I was like, oh. Oh. Well, I mean, you do have more more credits it could have gone on longer no but i was like oh yeah no no i just just was like i didn't know like i didn't know what i haven't like heard myself being like announced anywhere i was like whoa it was like a ride for me oh well i'm glad to have taken you on a ride i like doing intros because

i just have so much energy and you can just like scream people's credits and be like yay listen that's i love your energy i wish i mean i want to borrow some oh well every night i pass away because I'm so tired. How are you, Abby? I'm good. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while. I saw you maybe, I mean, with COVID, I have a hard time tracking time. It's impossible.

I know. But I feel like it's been a minute. And I feel like it's bizarre because I see you. So I feel like I've seen you. But we haven't really. I feel the same way I feel like it was when you were casting a league of their own yes that was probably like two years ago yeah and you guys are all wrapped in shit right we're in that we're in post right now that's exciting yeah I don't know do you know when it comes out I don't know when it comes out I just want to know. Do you know when it comes out? I don't know when it comes out.

I just want to say I don't know when it comes out. They're not telling us yet. It's a big surprise. Isn't that fun? Yeah, it's so fun. A studio or network goes, hey, here's a bunch of money and we got the time. We'll get a crew together. You'll edit it. It's going to be fun.

We like the cuts. You'll never know when we're going to put it out. I know. Wait, your show comes out, though. Phil's show comes out so soon, right? So soon. They also were kind of not telling us. And then they were like, maybe next year.

Then they're like, sneak peek, December 4th. They'll be like, maybe next year. Maybe in two weeks. They're like, stay ready. Erin is on league too yes and i was like i was like how the i can curse yeah i was like how the fuck is erin how is because i remember like i was like oh erin's going to shoot grand crew and i was like how are they done you're like already airing i was like how is this possible but stuff works on different timelines, you know? Yeah.

Things. I don't know. I'm always very flabbergasted by how quickly an edit can get turned in. Because I'm like, oh, my God, you put up. I mean, I guess the roadmap is there with the script. But like, it's kind of crazy to me. It's wild. Yours, I feel like, was really quick in like an incredible way.

Kudos to Phil. Mm-hmm. Is yours an hour long or a half hour? It's wild. Yours, I feel like, was really quick in an incredible way. Kudos to Phil. Mm-hmm. Is yours an hour long or a half hour? It's an hour, right? It's an hour. Wow. Really funny. So Darcy Carden is in it, too. Mm-hmm.

And I was just telling somebody that it's fun. Like, I cast Darcy, and I thought Darcy and I would i would be like the funny part to the show and it's way more of a dramedy and it's like we're not there's not that funny on this show and i'm like darcy's so funny it's almost like yikes we need to make we need to be using her and like she's just so good as a dramatic actor it's pretty it's getting pretty cool to see that's exciting because i mean not to make it a darcy love fest but i love darcy so much she's like just nice to be around and then funny and talented on top of that she really is this rare breed of i don't know like it's just a pleasure to spend time with this person and just super funny super smart super normal and like kind of gets along with anybody yes i don't know i'm like and then apparently

she's a fucking dramatic actress too i'm like you can't everything it is sometimes very annoying when you're like okay you're nice you're pretty you're funny you're talented uh you could do things that i didn't think you could do or i mean i mean it's not out of the realm of possibility that she's like a good dramatic actress but you're like oh okay that's another nice thing that you do and you're like will i ever be a nice lady who could do all these things i know like come on what's your thing what's the thing man that like you gotta be shitty at something at one thing come on maybe it's bowling then we take her bowling and she's just like strikes across the board yeah she also i recently she was like a which is maybe i this is a sport i would have no interest in even trying she was like a water polo champion, which is like... That's insane.

Water polo is where you are in like the deep end for like the whole time. So you can't like touch the bottom of the pool. You're like doggy paddling for like an hour or something. I don't know. I, shame on me, truly thought water polo was horses in the water. No, wait, Nicole. think it there's something like that though like i think there's something i did not know what i clearly didn't i just said it was like doggy paddling in the deep end like there's something i don't know about it either but i did

think horses were involved as well because horses are involved in land polo yeah that it's with it's like they're like they have like a club right i think so then they hit a ball around wait wait marco polo what's the one i'm gonna sound like such an idiot where you're like you shut your eyes and you're like marco that yes that's marco polo no no it's not marco polo she's no no. It's not Marco Polo. Yes, it is. No, no, no. She's not Marco Polo. She's like whatever the water polo. Water polo might not have horses.

And I have a full computer here to look it up, but I don't think I'm going to. Wait, but she's not like incredible at Marco Polo, though. That's like not a real sport, right? That's like a game. I don't think so. I think that's like a pool game for kids at a party. She's going to listen to this and be like, Abby, what are you fucking doing? It's really funny that you're like, so Darcy's incredible at everything. She's even good at Marco Polo and people just go,

Oh, okay. And they don't want to question it. It's going to like end up on her Wikipedia page. She's really good at hide and seek. Laser tag. Is she a champ? Oh God. That's so funny speaking of darcy so yeah we met years and years and years ago at the ucb theater the upright citizens brigade theater um what led you there yeah I found it. I moved to New York to go to the Atlantic Theater Conservatory.

And I didn't go to that. I moved there and I went for a week and then I hated it so much and like dropped out. And my roommate at the time who I had gone to, I went to art school for college in Baltimore. And I moved up to New York with someone I met there. And she was just one night she was like I think you would love this place the UCB because I had done a lot of video stuff in college and it was kind of it was basically me just doing characters but in school it was like projected on a gallery wall and seen as kind of serious but truly it was like just the shit we were doing at UCB like it's like it really was bizarre to just put it in a different environment and it was like a totally

different thing um and so I went one night by myself uh when I was like right away I moved to New York when I was 22 and I went and I was like uh I want to do I had never seen UCB the show. I didn't. I think I'd only seen like whose line is it anyway? Like I didn't know improv really. And I was like, whatever they're doing on stage. I don't know. I don't remember who was performing. I was like, I want to do that. for the next however long years i just had like random jobs in new york and took classes and went to ucb and like perform performed whenever they like let me yeah just few and far between to be honest it wasn't that successful there it is a wild it's a it's it's funny because like i'll do like q a's at colleges i did that a lot during 2020 because you know we couldn't leave our homes we had to stay inside yeah something bad was in the air and college kids would be like how do i get into comedy and i was like well we're all at home so like think about abby and alana and how they created broad city i don't know if you know how do I get into comedy? And I was like, well, we're all at home. So like, think about Abby and Alana and how they created broad city.

I don't know if you know the story, but they like did a web series. You said this. Yeah. That's nuts. They did a web series. Nobody asked them to do a web series. Nobody asked for broad city to be made,

but they took it upon themselves to make it. And then took a chance asked, right. Well, I mean, we were like, truly we did it because listen i started when when did you start at ucb we were like around the same i was 2006 i think i was 2008 yeah and i actually remember you like well we'll go you you intern at the

front desk for a long time but i did did too. But I was like a week. You were during the weeknights. Yeah, yeah. But all I wanted, I mean, just like everyone there, you just want to get on one of those teams. And for years and years, I could not. And I met Alana in like a practice group where you pay to like practice. in like a practice group where you pay to the to like practice and try to like and then you pay for like the theater and you like give everyone free shots like for years just to like at like under St. Mark's and all the little theaters and I just we couldn't get on one of those teams and so we're

just like what are we doing like we this is we think this dynamic is so funny let we just have to let's make it exactly how we want to whether it's this little thing but you guys did that too like it was around the same time that you and sharon keisha were doing that yeah because it was a uh in i love ucb and i feel like a lot of comedy institutions honestly just a lot of things especially like with performing and like acting in hollywood or whatever have gatekeepers and then it's like well who who are the gatekeepers and it's like oh people who don't look like me who don't understand my references yeah who don't understand where i'm coming from so they're like no you got to get better and you're like well how do i get better do i have to like watch star wars and like understand like the shit you're trying to say to me that like I don't get but my response is

funny because I don't know what you're talking about but I like act like it whatever but yeah it's like yeah just make something on your own so yeah we just started performing a lot at like you know under St. Mark's and the Creek in the Cave and all those other places then we started like going to Canadaada because this like canadian theater i think it's the vancouver improv theater was like we think you're funny and we're like okay and they're like we'll pay for you to come up and give you like a hundred bucks and we're like get it yes i know but yeah when i talked to college kids i'm like you you guys isa ray because uh isa ray did uh awkward adventures

of a black girl before insecure and i was like if nobody's saying i want your stuff but like you want to make it just fucking make it and you never know what's gonna happen truly and i mean i feel that i feel that listen i i'm in a different place right now than I was when we were like making Broad City. But I still feel if you start that way, I still feel that way right now. Like even with League or like most things that I do, I sort of I still have that same sort of mentality of like, I don't know, like exactly where I fit in the like actor world like I I don't I'm not just like cast over here and I'm not over like I'm kind of like in the middle of like women part characters or something like most of the time I still feel like it's self-generated like I still feel like I if I if I really want to act I'm gonna have to write that character myself and I guess that's like really freeing in a way um but it is I don't know I think if you start that way it gives you this like um I don't know it's like it's like a power

like you you have the the wherewithal to do it on your I don't know like you have know it's like it's like a power like you you have the the wherewithal to do it on your I don't know like you have to it's like there's no other option because it probably won't I'm not gonna like I'm terrible at auditioning I'm just I gotta like write the thing and like show them that I can do it like see look read the words I did good right exactly like i still feel exactly the same at like there still are those gatekeepers it's just like they're like bigger and and like richer gatekeepers or something yeah it's not like anthony king anymore yeah like whoever yeah it's yeah it's like the head of sony who's like no you can't be in this. And you're like, please? I don't know exactly who is into you, but we already have a woman doing this.

Yeah, like, so, yeah. Yeah, I feel the same way in a lot of aspects because the things I've gotten have been because people in the room knew who I was or Phil wrote a part where the character's name is Nikki and my name is Nicole and it's based on me. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of wild.

I do feel like, I mean, maybe this always happens with like every generation of performers or whatever. But I don't know. Like, I think we, I feel really lucky. Like, I haven't seen you in forever, but I've like watched your career and see you all you know every once in a while out and about and I feel like our generation of people that came up together it's like wild to see what everyone is doing and then it is like like I want you in my thing I want you in my thing like I would love to work with you like that's how I kind of that's how it like it's way better that way anyway yeah I like it yeah at the Emmys yeah my assessment is I like it I like it I like

it I think it's good it is is good yeah it's just very good very good you know at the Emmys when uh Paula Gia and Jen won for hacks I like shot out of my seat I was like oh my god yeah and I was like oh my god that was like such an insane reaction I'm like I have nothing to do with the show I was like sitting behind them but I was like I'm so proud it's wild it's truly wild when you it's like it's like a the grad like people you graduated with and you're like I don't know it's really really cool to see what everybody's doing and how well everybody's doing it's just exciting yeah i love it wait are you in new york or la you're in la so i'm actually i'm really i'm i live in la more but i'm in new

york right now because i we shot league in pittsburgh and i'm like staying on the i'm from the i'm from philly so i'm staying on the East Coast until after Thanksgiving. Oh, that's nice. Do you miss New York? I miss New York in a way where I'm so nostalgic for what my New York is. So I lived in Harlem on the 125th and Broadway area for, I for i guess like six years and now it's all different because city college bought a bunch of buildings yeah so you get off the highway and there's just like a shadow cast because of these huge fucking sterile buildings and i'm like you took away the

character of the area i feel like that's almost everywhere or not everywhere but like so much of new york even not having been here for like covid you're like oh anywhere that doesn't have like some sort of like height restriction you know like historical height is like i don't know how we're gonna fit more people and there's like high-rises popping up everywhere everywhere it's so yeah i'm in brooklyn and it's like all over um i my friend lives in the lower east side and i was there and i was like oh okay this still feels like the new york i left this still like the lower east side feels a little untouched and i'm so nervous like over by like essex and um oh god Delancey uh there was like a big condo being built there and I'm like oh god I hope not I don't want to see more of that like it's just why yeah it's

everywhere it's everywhere it's bad it's like um LA every time they build a new like building I'm like why I miss I like the castles so like if you ever go at beachwood there's like literal looking building or buildings that are apartment buildings and i'm like yes whoever did that what a whimsical dummy i love them that's fun i want to live in a fucking castle i know i'm not a hot i don't like a high rise no i also don't like modern buildings so like off of Melrose, there's a bunch of really cute, small ish, like cute Spanish style cottage, like really cute houses and something with the zoning got fucked up.

So now people are building these huge box houses that are just like big windows. And I'm like, how, where are you naked? How, what part of the house are you naked? And like the windows are like,

so it's like from inside. Great. But well, what are you, what also, like the house are you naked and like the windows are like so it's like from inside great but well what are you what also like what are you looking at and we can see you i always think i'm like are they super rich people who look out their big windows and like look at all these poor tiny homes like why are you doing this go move anywhere else i know i know oh oh real estate real quick we gotta take a break we back okay so tis a relationship podcast oh yeah found oh shit where is it oh okay i found this article that says how to make a man commit uh 28 ways that work every time and i was like sonia the woman who wrote this you can't say it works every time.

Yeah. It almost makes me want to look up Sonia. Do you like Sonia? Did it work for you? Are you like, we did a deep dive on you and it, I don't think you followed. Is this from like cosmopolitan?

This is, I feel like I used to always look at these fucking Cosmo articles that were like lists of ways to do something to a dude. Yeah, this is hernorm.com, which I've never heard of. But I did Google. I was like, how to get a partner to commit. And you wouldn't believe how many articles there are. It was crazy.

So what's the top one? The top one is leave the hunting to him. Be the one that is being hunted, not you hunting him. Start to decrease the amount of times you text him and go on dates do not make yourself available playing hard to get the hunt will be left to him and he can commit faster without even knowing it i can't i can't handle i feel like that's a game it's such a game and that, it's like you're operating out of this. Listen,

I don't know about you. I'm, I'm already like an anxious, insecure kind of like default. Like I can't go in with this like protocol that is just, it's just like trick. It feels like constant. Yeah sounds like a bad a bad idea it's a game it is a game and it feels like i have to put more work into going oh don't text them then no let me cancel this date today because I have to let them hunt me.

And then also I'm like, hunt? I don't want to be hunted. That means I have a gun, they're going to shoot me? And they're going to bring me in their house? No. No. This is, it sounds like it's like written also by a dude. Nope.

This is Sonia. Sonia, I know. I know. The second thing is, Sonia says, don't be an open book. Keep a sense of mystery around you to keep him interested. And the picture that they put here is a woman smiling with her arms out

like she just explained something. And then a man looking away, real sad. No. No. This is terrible this is terrible i feel like young girls or not even like this is just like perpetuating this thing of like how we're supposed to act it's really about like not being yourself how to not be yourself to get clearly someone you don't even want yeah because i like to talk i like to tell people things about me so being it says keep a sense of mystery around you even if you've been together for months or

years you can still be mysterious by taking up new hobbies or activities without them which is so funny to me to like talk to someone you've been dating for months even years and they're like oh what are you doing today and you're like i'm gonna go play marco polo and they're like what and you're like that's all i'm telling you i won't tell you with who or which pool okay that's for me oh my god and then it continues it says as time passes this desire will turn into love and they will come to love all of your uniqueness. Oh my. I feel like that would just confuse somebody. Yeah.

Or it's just like an asshole who isn't actually interested. Mm-hmm. This sounds exhausting. This sounds like a full-time job to like manage. I think so. Because then Sonia says, you gotta have your own life which is okay i agree with sonia on that but also yes so sonia says if you're enjoying your own life as well as being with him they'll learn uh that they can do the same too stay in touch with your friends keep up

with hobbies or take up new ones um even if you meet up with your friends once a month for lunch or dinner and then go to a gym or dance class every weekend, you'll be enjoying time that doesn't evolve around your person. Which I guess is good. But then also, Sonia goes on to say, you have six days with them. You can have one day with your friends. It's important for both of you to enjoy things. I feel like six days is a lot to spend with someone and only have one day, maybe once a month. So yeah, this is wild.

Yeah, that's a lot. It's also hilarious to be like, to get the guy, you need to like have a friend. Like the other thing is kind of just as important. Like you need to know people and do things like how to be a well-rounded person like but no no it's you need to like go to a dance class once a week to maintain the guy it's like wild oh boy boy. Because Sonia now says, apply reverse psychology. Don't let them believe that the only thing women want is a serious relationship. You got to show them that you don't want to commit

without giving him the feeling that you don't want to be with him. The more he realizes you aren't crazy about commitment, the more he'll feel at ease and enjoy the time he spends with you without worrying. This will lead to naturally wanting him to commit without realizing that he has gotten to that point it'll just happen then sonia says there's no point in playing games but sonia that is a game there's no point in playing games except my list of 24 or whatever no point playing games after these after these yeah this is the game anything else is ridiculous okay now sonia says don't idolize him don't idolize him like he's

some kind of god that controls you if he buys you gifts accept them graciously but don't give him a feeling that he can control you with material things there's only one person who controls your life and that's god no i'm kidding she said that's you um which i guess is good but also how would you let someone know that they can control you with things oh i guess if maybe they make you mad and then they give you a gift and you're like, oh my God. Or they do something terrible and give you a gift. Yeah. All right, Sonia, I'll give you that. All right. You got one. Oh, maybe Sonia's got two. Don't use sex to bring them closer. The worst thing you can do is use sex

as a tool to bring them closer. It won't won't work while being physical is important in a relationship it's not the end all be all i think sonia's right on that yeah i think so too oh no now sonia's dipping back into being bad sonia says remain attractive sonia we were with you we were right there she's like oh boy she said I've been there myself when I've not shaved my legs for a week and have spotted uh with a armpit shadow but I learned from wait I started to make an effort with my appearance and I felt better more confident oh sonia sonia sonia sonia i mean these are all pretty bad these are all yeah this is written right now too right this let me see when this was written when did sonia publish this on her.norm? You better believe there's no year. I guess you don't have to put a year when you publish something on the internet.

Yeah, I guess not. Or maybe you don't in a newspaper either. I don't understand journalism. I feel I can't date it, but this could be in the last... This could be old. This could be so old. This could be when the internet first started. This could also have been truly published today.

A lot of what she's saying is stay independent in order to have a relationship, which sounds counterintuitive. Yeah. in order to have a relationship, which sounds counterintuitive. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think it's important to like maintain your own like life and interests and stuff. But I guess I don't think about that. It's kind of going at it with a default of like,

oh, finding someone that person is like your life right like you're like thinking of it like that's like my whole life or she's being like you need to have this too but like I think going into it being like well that that person will will enhance my life a lot but I've been trying to go on dates with the mindset that like I don't know this person anything they don't owe me anything but it could be nice yeah and why not get excited about it because i was going on dates not excited for a hot second i was like oh my god i gotta go on another one of these wait can i just say real quick well a bunch of things so i find it listen i'm well i'm like rambling now but i find it, listen, I'm, well, I'm like rambling now, but I find it really insane that you are not with somebody.

Thank you. I find it insane, but also I realize I do have a podcast called Why Won't You Date Me that pops up if you Google me. And you need to keep doing this podcast. What are you going to do once you start dating someone? Are you going to stop doing the podcast? No. I'm kidding.

I would figure out. No, you'd incorporate. You're like, it's done. It's done. Goodbye. Sorry. I got to go. This person is my everything.

Oh, no, I have to be independent. Sonia's right. Sonia's right. Keep doing the podcast. That'll be my one thing i do once a week away from this person just this podcast um yeah i guess it also has to do with um i think i'm a strong personality i have mellowed out in my old age um and then i guess I, I, I think it's like comedy scares people sometimes. I mean, I really think I get where, what you're throwing down.

I got, I feel ya. I mean, you're in COVID. What is the vibrant? You're like, we're out a little bit more. People are vaxxed. We're going out a little more. Yes. People are dating.

People are vaxxed. We're going out a little more. Yes. People are dating. I would say the beginning of this year, like right before the vaccine came out, people were, you know, having social distance dates in parks and stuff.

That was fine. Not for me. I think it's hard to like hang out in a park. Well, yeah, especially, I mean, I was, was there as well. I think it's like the first, I think for personal, I'm like, I think like a night drink is like helpful with like a first date, not like a walk. Yeah.

Because a walk can trick you into intimacy because I think daytime things are kind of, it's like, Oh, we're in each other's life. We see each other during the day. Yeah. So it kind of tricks you into maybe oversharing a little bit. And then I also have, you know, my walls up. I'm a little guarded. I don't want to tell you everything at first.

So, yeah, I think like a nighttime cocktail is nice although recently i met someone for dinner and i was like i don't know if i want to go to dinner with someone that's like really committing yeah yeah um but we went to a pizza place and i like pizza and then they ended up being like really sweet and genuine and nice and i was like okay maybe i will give people a chance to go on a longerish date i kind of feel like dating i don't know i think it's like worst case scenario well worst case scenario it could be fucking terrible but uh-huh like the the getting yourself out the door is like listen well you know it could go terrible and then as someone who does comedy like great material yes great material this is going to be a fucking shitty

but like i'll have a story where i'll have something to like write it into but also just like maybe they'll be my friend well like that sort of like was my clearly I wasn't super confident. I'd be like, this is clearly not going to lead to something sexual or love related. It's going to be either terrible or maybe they'll be my. That was always like, just go out, just leave and like it'll be something and you'll like have done a thing. just leave and like, it'll be something and you'll like have done a thing. Yeah, that's the point I'm at. I'm like, you know, it'll be nice to get out of your house. Yes. You know, see, see something new for a second. Get another point of view on something. Yeah, maybe they'll be my friend. Yeah, it's tough. It is. It's hard. And then sometimes you ever go on a date and the other person looks at you and they seem a little disappointed. Yeah.

That happened a couple weeks ago and I was like, oh, no. And you like sense it. You're like, I don't want to be here. I'm so sorry. When that happened, did you feel the opposite or did you feel the same I guess I was like I smiled and they like it wasn't a grimace but it was like a hmm and I was like oh and I was like I feel bad now it was like I don't have an opinion about you I just feel like I wasn't thinking good or bad but I wasn't like I was just like kind of being here and now it's's like, hmm, okay, I see where you're at. Yeah. Yeah.

It's no bueno. Yeah, I've just been just trying to get out of the house and date a little bit more. I went on a date where, oh, I don't know if I talked about this yet on the podcast. Anyway, we had very similar facial structure, just like big round faces. And I'm 100% sure the server thought we were siblings because the server flirted with me a little bit. And I was like, oh, I do like attention. But then I was like, no, you're here with this man. And then he didn't seem very interested in me.

And I was like, what is happening today at this bar? I hate this. It's all just so confusing you're like um is anything going on here because i think something's going on here and like if we're not i'm gonna go after the server and he would probably be like go right ahead i don't like you not one bit he didn't laugh at a single thing i said and i was like you don't have a sense of humor but then i like called something back that was weird that he had said and then he laughed really hard and i was like hmm you're not really laughing at my jokes you're just laughing at me

repeating the dumb thing you said oh god it's so hard i feel like especially just in la and i think if i moved back to new york it would probably be more of the same because i'm just older and not out in the streets as much i don't know i'm tired of apps i feel like in new york well i don't know la so covid so different too but la is so isolated. Like I didn't really, I'm trying to think of like, I haven't really been, I haven't been in LA as long as you have. But New York, it felt way more like you could meet someone on the street and there's like real life happening. And in LA, I don't think I ever met anyone like like out it was like so had it was it's just so much more you have to like plan everything or something yeah nothing is nothing sporadic here because I feel like everyone really schedules their live they're like oh I can't stay out tonight I gotta go on a hike

I gotta audition then I got an acting coach session then then i'm gonna go on another night hike and you're like oh boy a lot of hikes i don't want any part of that so many hikes so many hikes i have a question okay so broad city was pretty like i feel like instantly like people were like, I love it. So were your DMs like blowing up with people being like, hello? You know what? Like, I wish I was better at that shit. I wish I knew. I don't think I sound like a fucking idiot. I don't think I knew that people would even like go into my dms and ask me out in that way and also if they did i probably was like i probably really missed any opportunity of that if there was and was um very nervous about randoms unless I slid into their DMs. Ooh, you'll love to hear about that.

I know, but I gotta say, I was always so jealous. I mean, during most of Broad City, I only dated dudes. And then in the middle of Broad City like Abby I sort of like figured out my sexuality and so I started dating women too but I guess I was always um jealous of like male comedians the way in which they could just fucking yeah like i'm like you have like i just remember hannibal like being like telling us about going to stand-up shows all over the country and like meeting girls and me everywhere alana and i are like throwing themselves yeah a lot of them are like, like, truly, there's a there is a we did a cold open on Broad City where we are on Facebook, which I'm not even like that. And we're on Facebook and we're like, you know what?

Fuck this. We're going to ask out anyone we think we think are cute right now. We're going to fucking do it. And a lot of I did this in real life and then put it on the show because whenever you're like you know what what we're great we're like we're catches why are we fucking single let's let's just like ask and you probably know all the dudes we asked out and guess what what zero really zero dudes said yes to alana and i we probably both asked out like at least 20 people fully insane to me that's so crazy i just i do feel like to what you said

earlier about sort of like i hate this shit but like comedian and a woman and having a big personality and being known for those things too as opposed to like a male comedian and being really funny it's just like such a different dynamic you have to get at least for me when i was dating only dudes like you have to get this the right kind of dude that isn't intimidated by that. I think. Yeah. That, that like loves that.

Yeah. That is like, that's the hottest fucking thing. That's exactly what I want. You crack me up and I'm like, please intimidate me. But like my experience, especially in like that community that like we were coming up in, like,

yeah, it was like, so it was just like, we were like, all right, I guess it was like so it was just like we were like all right i guess it was like it was such a terrible place for my confidence in that way i agree yeah i don't want to say like i had a very good experience at ucb but i will say i took a lot of confidence hits performance wise and dating

i was like boy oh boy what do i have to do to get one of these fucking nerds in cargo shorts to look at me listen a lot of great guys came out a lot of great great guys but a lot of yes a lot of like fine guys yeah truly just like mediocre run of the mill truly mediocre and like listen i again a lot of great guys but like all the women i knew that came out of there were pretty fucking spectacular yes and like special and like i do think listen my whole fucking career is based off of this insecurity. So maybe it's good that I got shot down constantly. I like continue to like thrive off it. But I just feel like that's a lot of the women's experience from that. It is just like maybe we were in like this boys club, but I do feel I mean, I always it was

always a thing a lot. And I constantly talked about and wrote about. And but then like later, I'm going to like I'm like jumping around because I think this is pertinent to you maybe because you like I don't know, like when I turned I'm 37 right now. How old are you? 35. Okay. Yes, I just turned 35. When I turned 30, 30 i was like fuck this because i like i i until like pretty recently i was like perpetually single and i was like what the fuck and i when i turned 30 i was like fuck this bullshit i was like you know what if i think anyone is cute if I think

any of these guys I fucking know are cute I'm just going to ask them out in this way that is like not overtly like I'm not like proclaiming my fucking love for you but if I meet someone and I think they're cute I decided and I did it on my 30th birthday to this guy a friend of mine and I was just like hey I think you're really cute um no no um let me do it again hey I think you're really cute no I think you're really cute let me know if you want to get a drink no pressure that's it and it gave me this like wild sense of like confidence because I honestly didn't care what they said but it was such a move versus like the way Alana and I did it we're like we wrote like Facebook messages uh-huh that was like hey let me know like I don't know why it just felt like more this like insecure thing and this was like this powerful thing where i'm like i don't love you i think you're cute let me get a drink

if not who cares cool who gives a shit and then it like i remember when i did it to this guy in person he was like um yeah sure and then we went on a date and I was like, nope, it's not good. Wait a minute. Sonia's right. You have to like, be a little mysterious because he was like, oh, no pressure. Well, I guess I should go. It's if it's no pressure. Exactly. Okay. Exactly. And listen, didn't have like full success from this experiment. But there was the first time I think in my life where I was like, fuck, I feel so sort of defeated around it. And this little move gives me confidence because it lets go of like, I don't like you yet.

I'm just saying I think you're cute. Which is like the smallest thing something about you is cute like whatever I don't know that might be a good intro because I've been like I've gone through periods where I was like I'll send something funny like would you rather be a taco or I don't know a skirt that a woman wears on a Wednesday yeah I don't. I would send like weird would you rathers and then people would answer them and then like I would hear nothing else. But I think a good intro is I think you're cute.

Would you like to get a drink? No pressure. I think that's, I think that's perfect. Try it because also you're like, and do it, I say do it on like, if you're talking about like an app, do it on that. But also like truly i did it with friends like not like i wasn't like you're like my best friends i think i did it with you

no like i did it with people that were sort of like not right in the like my best friends but like like the first guy i did it was like kind of a friend of a friend. And I was like, you know, Hey, I've always thought you're, you're really cute. If you want to get a drink, let me know. And then you're like, they know you don't really care, but it's something I don't know. And then if they say no, you're like, great, great. Now I know. Moving on to the next one. I don't know. I don't even know where I came up with where I said that.

Oh, because Alana and I fucking. Yeah, I don't. Didn't didn't work out that much. I mean, I think it's a good strategy and I honestly think it's going to be helpful. Real quick. We have to take another break. Here's a question. It's not about dating or anything, but like, how did you, I'm sure this is a question you've been asked a million times, but how did you deal with the success from the show? Was it overwhelming? And did you have to like do self-care to like

not get out of like, I feel like sometimes people get popular fast and then it might feel like the world is going really fast and they don't know how to deal with it yeah i mean like that you said did i do self-care as if it was like present not present tense yeah abby are you done with self-care now that you've established a career? I think that, I don't know, you know, it's so, like, we were on, like, once that train went, like, also just, like, the production of it was, like, truly we would, like, end, we ended season one on, like, a Friday and started season two on a Monday it was like we were just like on it in such a crazy way that like a lot of that was really um I well first of all I'm like it I I was with it was like doing it with Alana it was like thank you having someone that knew exactly what was happening to me was like bad I don't know what that would have been like without her but it's weird like i think that it had a little bit more success like in season two but also it

really i don't know it was really i think the thing that was tricky is that it's like my name and I mean we knew each other to a certain extent and I you had seen me perform and I think you know Alana and I are like it's very it's like an amplified version of us like I'm very much like Abby but I'm not I'm not that Abby but it just seems in, in like the most flattering way possible. It was like, all of a sudden, like if people saw me and love the show, it was like, I am that I, they know everything about me. It's just like really. And it's again, it's like, it was so flattering, but just very weird. I mean, you know how it's like, you are very much known for you too.

And then it's like this thing of like people knowing your name and thinking they know you, but you might. A big thing for me is like I'm just going to be fucking disappointing. Like I'm not going to be what they want because I'm like,

I think I'm like a sadder version of Abby. Well, because you're not performing. You're just being a human. I used to do a lot of meet and greets. I haven't done any since COVID because she's trying to not die. People at meet and greets would be like,

wow, you must really hate this. And I was like, oh no, I think it's really sweet that people want to meet me, but I'm not telling jokes right now. I'm like, you're just meeting me as a person. Yeah, like, I'm not that. I don't think I'm that funny. Unless I'm like doing the thing. I don't know the funny. Yeah. And in terms of I mean, actually, my therapist this week mentioned to me. My therapist this week mentioned to me, I've been with her for a while. And she mentioned to me when we started, a big thing about being single when that was really starting to happen was that I would go.

I remember I met this guy online and he didn't ask me anything about myself and I and then I I was so in my head of being like well like this was in person and also he was a stand-up but you know in a stand-up circle that like we didn't really know but I was like you're not like he's not asking me anything so I was like does he know like does he know what I do and he's not asking or is he just like one of those people that never asks questions about the other person or like I was just very in my head about like why are people out like do they want to be out with me because it's me or do they like me because I'm on a show or like, I mean, I think that's I mean, that's not right now. That's not how I feel, but like very much so how I felt when I was single.

Mm hmm. You know, like even like not that far, not that like like two years ago, I was like, you what are you interested in? What are we doing here? And maybe that's me being like, I don't know. Like, I'm also interested in people for like their all the other things about them and also like what they're into and what they're like, what they're passionate about doing. So like that does involve your job and all that stuff. But I just get very I was like very in my head about that when the show was going in terms of like all aspects of your life you're like i'm going crazy

now that people know my name on the street truly and people come up to me in like the most hilarious way because i it's very i haven't been in new y York in a while and I'm like right it's different here yeah it's really different here uh-huh I mean like Alana and I hung out on Friday and it's I was like right right right that's different for Alana and I to get coffee outside yeah people were losing their minds they're like like, they actually hang out. No, truly, people come and be like, oh, you guys are actually, oh, my God. But people say to me, they're like, Abby. Or I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Like, truly like someone you went to high school with. And so I always am like, hey, oh, my God. Hey, how are you? And they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don't know each other. That happens a lot to me. But then also sometimes I will go, oh, it's really nice to meet you. And any time I say nice to meet you they go oh we met

yeah and then we'll tell me where they and i'm like oh yep so it gets it's there is no winning there's no winning none there's no winning i was once out with um sashir and then our other friend mateo i don't think you know him he's a stand-up oh i know who i know of him he's great and it was the three of us and this lady was like oh nicole oh so she oh it was it was just very funny that she was oh and she was very overwhelmed and then i was out with mateo i was in new york with him and this lady on a bike was like mateo you're funny and i was like oh mateo you have a fan and mateo goes do you know who she is and the lady on the bike went no and rode away and I was like I love it just keeping me humble yeah so if you don't want to talk about it we

don't have to you're currently in a relationship yeah I am in um a relationship right now oh I love it yeah the people listening can't see it but a real cute smile crept up on your face. I did do a real cute smile. How'd you guys meet? Wait, I know how you feel about this, what I'm about to say. We met on an app. Ooh, okay. Well, no, that gives me fucking hope.

I know, but this is an app that you don't like. Oh, is it Raya? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Well, listen, do you know what? I actually you don't like oh is it raya yeah wow yeah well listen do you know what i actually really don't like it either but i have to like it i guess now yeah now uh you're locked into an endorsement uh you have to say kind things about it because you found someone on it i really do not want to be associated with it at all yeah but it's okay you found somebody you beat the odds you didn't match with an australian dj you found somebody i think i have to say

because i see everybody uh or like i don't know maybe you do too but i see like men and women on it there's like um actually there's just as many probably women DJs. You, you really like, especially during the pandemic, it was, it felt like I was like passing the time because I looking on there because I was like, well, I guess this is the only way I'll ever interact with anyone ever again. Like I'll never date ever again. But I was on it often on like for like before that, like I, the guy who never asked me about myself was from Raya too.

But yeah. But the thing is we have a mutual friend and that was the thing that sort of like, I guess when you match you match, you can see someone's Instagram. And I was like, oh, she's really good friends with this person I'm friends with. And so that made it almost like we didn't meet on the app. Like, we could almost say that. We met through a mutual friend via an app because we figured out we have a mutual friend. But, you know, let's just take the app out of it.

Mutual friend. Thank you. No, but I feel like whatever. Listen, it's how we met during COVID. So I'm like, I don't know how the fuck you meet. I think the apps are worth a shot, I guess. I think they're worth a shot. Also, it is like a numbers game.

You got to keep swiping and talking until something happens. Yeah, but I will say on that one, just to even out the score, that the demo is really has a huge range of like terribleness in my opinion i was like what the a like a that type of like dj yeah i felt like on raya it was a lot of very attractive to mediocre gentlemen and then a lot of very beautiful women and i was like huh i don't know if there's a space for me on this because there are i i don't think i've seen a fat person on there and i'm like hmm maybe they're trying to curate an aesthetic

and i don't fit the aesthetic i never i truly matched the whole time i've been on riot with maybe three people listen i didn't match with a lot of people either. It's an interesting space. I gotta say, I can't believe that this happened from Raya. I love that this happened from Raya. I love that this happened for you. Because I don't think you thought it was going to happen on Raya, and then it did. So wait, how long has it been?

Has it been a year? It's been, yeah, like a little bit over a year, which is the longest relationship I've ever been in, abby congratulations thanks yeah like that's nice i'm not a i don't think i've been traditionally i that's not can say i don't think i haven't been traditionally like a relationship kind of a person even though i maybe always wanted one i just like i think i can relate to this podcast in a big way that I'm just like, what the fuck? Like, I don't doesn't start working out on whether I like, I just didn't meet a lot of people that I really clicked with. And it would be listen,

I met a lot of people that I didn't click with for a short amount of time and that were like fun and whatever. But I don't know that it was always a thing for me. So yeah, it's really, it's good. You said earlier that I need to find someone who's like all about how loud I am and that I do comedy or whatever. And I think about my parents,

my mom was not a comedian. She was just a very loud woman. And my dad would truly just like be behind her shaking his head with a smile and i was like yeah that's what i need well you you got it i mean i think as someone in comedy like they have to be your they have to think you're fucking hilarious yeah they have to like love that it would be so sad if they were like liked me but didn't think i was funny i think that would maybe kill me no and like that's the yeah you yeah they gotta love that all of it yeah they gotta love all of it do you have a dog why do you hear somebody um like Somebody, like, somebody digging a bed.

It's very funny because this dog is like, I've been caught. I know. I'm sorry. Were you like, what's happening? Look at this. It was just so funny. I was like, what is that? Can you please be quiet?

Yeah, he's digging. I'm sorry. It's affecting the audio quality. No, I think it's fine i was just curious as to what it was yes um oh i know what i was gonna fucking say and i hope i say it right because i'm bringing up my therapist again so i was like super single super depressed about a multitude of things but like sort of just thinking like fuck fuck, I'm, this is like, I'm pretty good at being independent and solo.

And like, maybe that's who I am. And maybe that's Desi. Des, we're not going to dig right now. I'm talking about my therapist. Not during my therapist monologue. Okay.

We talked, we rehearsed it. And it's just, no, you know when the digging's supposed to come it comes at the end come on but i was like i don't know what like i don't know like something's wrong with me like something is clearly wrong with me like everyone else seems to like be able to meet people every fucking which way and she was like okay she was like abby there this is like the good news there's nothing wrong like there's nothing i'm looking at you there's nothing wrong with you you're a cat you're you're smart you have you you're really good at what you do like like all the things and um she was like the good news

is it's you like you not meeting someone right now is not the other people not like being right or sorry it's not like all these other people around you like the reason you're not meeting someone is you am i making sense like like not in a like not that you're doing something wrong just that like yes it's the it's like the mentality of like being i'm not i'm not i'm saying it wrong maybe it's like you're not in the right space to meet someone or that you have the, like, there's nothing wrong with you, but it's like, it's like your decision. Hmm. If that makes sense. You could be with someone shitty.

You could be with someone who doesn't ask about you. Exactly. Exactly. Like there's, there's something she's saying, like, there's something that you're putting out there that is like, um, not, uh, I'm fucking it. I got a fucking call. Jean, Jean's got to you and oh i'm not no because it's that's not something you're doing it's wrong you might want to edit this out i kind of like it no no it's she's really saying that it might be that like men like the mentality that you're the mentality like where I was was like I'm putting something out there that for whatever reason it's me not being ready to like do that or like I'm putting out some energy that like I don't really want that or like the walls up or whatever it is that like when I want it to happen it's like within my control and i have to

just like i will like let it release and like it will happen like a i'm not explaining she said it's so good i think that makes sense when you're being a little bit vulnerable and allow someone to see you, it makes it a little bit easier. I think. Like, yeah, we're almost like, listen,

like they're like, cause I, she's basically saying like, there's nothing wrong with you. And it's not like there's something wrong with all the people you're dating, but there's like, she's basically saying it the decision is up to you like when you are truly ready and meet the i'm fucking this up listener

i'm sorry i like i really like to think when this episode comes out, someone is like, oh boy, Abby's got some advice from her therapist. Okay, my pen is out, the paper's out. And they're just trying to write this and they're like. They're going to be like, let me just Google Sonia's list instead. Fuck Abby and Nicole. And they're like, Sonia saved my life. Now I'm in a relationship she was all right i think she was saying like you are like the way in which i was going about things

like basically she's saying like it's within like what do you want like, it's within my control. If that's, if that makes sense, sort of like, this was like a little bit before her when I started sort of like asking people out, but like, it's almost like the mental space that I put myself in when dating or when like being open to meet people was really dictating the experience. And so it's like within my control, how I want it to go and sort of how I feel about myself when I'm like putting myself out there, if that makes sense. I think that does make sense.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, on that note, Abby. No, we could. What? I liked it. Listen, cut that note, Abby. No, we could. What? I liked it. Listen, cut it up, clean it up, snip it, slice it, and splice it, okay? No, I like it.

Because that's what therapy is. It's like you take something and then it makes sense, you apply it, and then you're like, how do I articulate what I applied? Don't know. Can't do it. You usually don't have to. Yeah. Usually you just need to stay in,

you know, just to come in. Well, we've come to the end. Abby, thank you so much for doing this. Oh my goodness. Thank you.

It was truly a real treat to see and talk to you. I know you too. And I'm in LA. I'd love to hang. I honestly would too. I've missed you. I know you too. Thanks When I'm in LA, I'd love to hang. Truly. I honestly would too. I've missed you. I know, you too.

Thanks for having me. Thank you for doing it. Also, do you have anything you want to promote? I don't think so right now. Don't you have a book? I do have a book where I talk a lot about dating, but it came out a long time ago. Who cares?

You still get money on the back end. I guess you're right. Yeah, my book is called I Might Regret This. Also, you can watch episodes of Broad City on Paramount Plus, I think. I think on Hulu. Just kidding. On Hulu. Maybe Paramount Plus. Well, I feel like all of Viacom stuff ended up on paramount plus yeah yeah i don't have paramount plus subscription listen me uh i do now because i signed up for a gift box for this movie that i had no intentions of watching but it came with a free year of paramount plus there you go there you go there you go that's how you got some shit listen check it out on Paramount Plus then why not

or Hulu because you better believe Abby gonna get that money on the residual front get me those residuals get me those residuals

I just tried to make you some back end money on stuff you've already done I don't wanna do any other but I'm while you do your laundry give me them resigees well if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can um like it rate it review it on apple podcast if you write me something dirty at whywontyoudatemeepodcasts at gmail.com. Also, you can tell me stories.

If you have a question, I can answer. Yeah, I said the name of the email. Okay, so this is a dirty review. This person from Norway said, I would motorboat Nicole until the reverberation caused an intercontinental rift. I like that. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice.

But also, I think my poor boobies would cry. That sounds... An intercontinental rift. Yeah.

I would hate that the cause of, like, a rift was someone pleasuring me. I'd have to, like, go on television and be like,

I'm so sorry. I was getting it on. I didn't know. We had no intention. When I got the call, I didn't realize it was us. Then slowly we figured it out. Again, sorry to you and yours. Okay, bye-bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people,

Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.