Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Manifest your Dream Man (w/ Alaska Thunderfuck)

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

Drag queen Alaska Thunderfuck (RuPaul's Drag Race S5, winner of Drag Race All Stars S2) joins Nicole to discuss what it was like to date another drag queen, how to manifest your dream man, their unexpected dating life after Drag Race, and some nightmare customer service stories. Plus, Nicole recounts the time she performed sketch comedy to Dolly Parton. For more drag queen interviews, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: bit.ly/wwydmdrag Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, go to blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though we could go on a road trip to New York City and you could kick me out of the car in Kansas and say, You stupid bitch, you clicked your heels too many times. Uh, yum!

I'm running out of these, and by running out, I come up with them on the spot, and I don't know what to say anymore. But you don't have to send me anything, because I won't read them. Anywho, my guest today, oh boy, I'm very excited. You know them from RuPaul's Drag Race. They won Drag Race All Stars. They have a pageant called Drag Queen of the Year, everybody. Get down and sing.

It's Alaska Thunderfuck hi hi so wait this is team Coco yes I've moved to team Coco is Conan O'Brien here? Conan is here.

Is he in the studio? He's always listening. He's in studio. He is right with his ear pressed against the door, listening. I have a thing for Conan O'Brien because Conan O'Brien is monstrously tall. Yes. And so many, like, meeting people who are, like, famous in Hollywood or whatever, I've met, like, a few, but they're always really, really surprisingly short. Because being tall is very inconvenient. So whenever someone like RuPaul or Conan O'Brien, who's, like, just fucking six foot seven and makes it in the world.

It makes me really happy. How tall are you? I'm 6'1", just like my mother. Oh, I think I'm 5'7", or I'm 5'6". I love that. I don't know. Well, one of my legs is longer than the other. Well, now, since the injury.

No, this has been for like a very long time. Really? Yes. In my early 20s, if I didn't concentrate on walking in a straight line when I was drunk, I would veer. I think I veered to the left. And I think I've told this story on my podcast before, but my sister, at one point, we were walking somewhere and she was bumping into me. And I was like,

God, you always bump into me. Stop bumping into me. And she went, it's you. It's you. You always bump into me. It's your legs. It's your legs. It's been your legs all along. But now I have this little injury. So it's fun. It's really fun to figure out when your legs are different lengths. So do you wear different heels? This is probably like a one inch heel on this foot and a two inch heel on that foot. I could.

So like when I wear, say, like a flip flop or something like a van or something with a very, like a tiny sole. When I wear that on my shorter, yeah, a little shape up, a little sketch shape up. When I get that going, I walk around my neighborhood in my shape up. I only wear one shape up. With a tiny little sole, if I wear one, I'm even again. It's weird. But I've been like this my whole life. That's elegant. I love that.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I have a question for you. What is it? What made you want to do your own pageant? Because that's a lot of fucking work. And dare I say thankless? Yeah, no, I mean, it's a ridiculous amount of work.

And when we decided to do it, we didn't, I mean, we didn't realize that it was going to be that amount of work. And we just said, wouldn't it be cool? It'd be so fierce. It'd be so fun. Let's do it. Let's just do it. And then the ball was in motion

and then we realized what what an immense undertaking it is but it's really cool because so much of my job being a drag queen is is promoting myself and talking about myself taking pictures of myself and so it's very nice to do something dedicated to these other performers who are really doing the fucking hard work of being a drag performer out in the fucking world and and turning it out. And it's it's I keep saying it's inspiring because it really, really is. And so it's nice to, like, turn it around around and do it do it for other people for a minute you know i love that because i think sometimes when you i know me personally like i grind it really hard in my early 20s like the beginning of my career like so hard to the point where like i think about doing five shows a week sometimes twice a night and being like, I don't, I couldn't, I couldn't do it again.

That's too much. And to not get paid. No, I'm so sorry. But then it's just like, it's nice to give something like you let us tip the girls, which I was like, Oh,

what a beautiful fucking thing. Cause it's like, otherwise you're just doing a show for free. And it's like, how many more shows can you do for free? So I felt very, I was like, Oh, this is oh this is this is

wonderful this is like so nice that they get to you know get paid even if they don't win yeah exactly and i'm glad that the like this platform had that sort of that mechanism and thank you so much for for your contribution to that because yeah everybody gets to walk away with something uh also the thing i like about it is it's very inclusive all types of queens and king i could be a king this year and like like someone like tito soto who is like who's sort of like androgynous but but skews masculine, I guess. Right. Which like that's hard to place in the world of, you know, RuPaul's Drag Race, which, you know, that's my favorite show. It changed my life. I love it. But it's like sometimes there's performers who don't necessarily fit into that, you know, that paradigm right now.

But it's an ever-shifting paradigm, thankfully. But it's really exciting to see someone like Tito Soto compete against someone like Chikatita to compete against someone like Cassandra Comple. Like, it's wild, and that's why we do it, is because it's exciting, and everyone is there to, like to to turn it out. And so they do.

I mean, is Logo still a channel? Why does this question I keep asking and and I keep being asked and I think it is. I think they like show like bring it on on a loop like they show like old movies i think if logo were smart they would green light some other drag queens fun time race where it was like not more inclusive because i i won't i i hate to say drag race is not inclusive i just think it's a specific type of drag it's female illusion I think that's what they started doing. I don't think they care to deviate from that. And that's fine because that's what it is.

But it's like, why hasn't the gatekeepers made it accessible for different types of drag? Why hasn't Logo been like, well, let's just, I mean, we have the Boulay brothers, but it's like, that's the opposite end of the spectrum. What about everybody in the middle? Like, why hasn't that been greenlit? You know, I don't know why, but I mean, I'm open to that. Where is it? Where is Alaska's tip of the iceberg? That's the name of your show.

Tip of the iceberg. It's just the tip. When you see the first queen, you get to see everybody else. Oh my gosh, that's a good name. Consider that stolen. Please, take it. Thank you for being a judge, by the way. No problem.

I truly enjoy everything drag. And I appreciate that about you. And that's the kind of judges we need. Yeah. It was funny, though. I misunderstood all of the assignments given. I thought the pre-interview was just like a, let's talk for a second. I log on an hour late.

You're in full face. And I was like, bald-headed. I had my computer on my lap. And I was like, oh, no. I had my computer on my lap. And I was like, oh, no. I blame myself entirely because then. So then.

So that happened. And we were like, I was like, it's OK. It's fine. And you were like, fine, I'll fucking do it with no fucking makeup on. Oh, great. You can use my image now for this thing. You can use my image now for this thing. And then I went ahead and sent out the dossier email to all the judges with all the pertinent information. Except for the piece of information that said, you don't have to be on camera for this because we got it all beforehand.

And so I sent that out the next day. But girl, I apologize. Oh, it is fine. I had a nice time. Just I haven't like worn makeup like that in a very long time. And I learned how to do a cut crease very poorly. So that was nice and fun. I'm not good at eyeshadow because I have hooded lids or whatever it's called.

It's like I just I have a lot of space yes but my eye like the space like i don't know how to i don't know how to describe it there's a lot of space but then the lid is very small right so it's been very hard for me to learn and i'm on a journey you just have to do the cut crease really fucking high like fucking in like fucking tririxie Mattel territory. And just fake it. I do look good in Trixie makeup. I do look like Meatball. And Meatball told me that a college used the image of me in Trixie makeup to promote her being at the college. And I was like, my God.

That's major. new booking photo it made me laugh because i was like we're basically the same person anyway so who fucking cares right and i love that she adopts all of your like all of your clothes too you're like i wore this i'm done with it. Meatball. Come pick this up. I have to drop off two pairs of pleasers or not one pair of pleasers. Cause I can't wear closed toed pleasers. They have to be open toe. Cause I got a little cliffhangers no matter what size I try.

Okay. Um, and then some like a bunch of, a bunch of glittery things that I've, I wore cause I keep things for years yes until they have holes that i hear you and then i keep things where i just don't wear them and there are no holes so i was like somebody else should wear this i hear you that is that is my life that is my current situation yes no i hear you how did you get into drag tell me alaska well i mean i think of it as like is this a boring question do you get asked that a lot

no i do get asked it a lot but i love talking about it okay i think of it as being like a nun and i was i was chosen and called to do it and the universe kept pushing me toward it and to the point where i i don't have a choice now i it is the one job i've had for longer than one year that was my cap off and the universe just kept telling me. And even since I was a child, I was always, like, trying to play in girls' clothes when I was allowed, like, at my grandma's house. And it was like, clothes designated for women in our culture are just better. They are prettier to look at. There's more variety. And so like, what is not to like about that?

So that like ever since I was a child, that was something I recognized. I fully agree. Also, there's more colors. Like they don't make men's or masculine skewing clothing in enough colors for me. I love a man in lilac. I love a man in baby pink. I love a man in teal. I just like colors.

Yeah. who is like, just in the last few years, there has been such a tipping point as far as sort of breaking down gender when it comes to fashion, which is so fierce. And when I was a little kid, it was like, that's the girls' section, that's the boys' section. And I hope to see a future

where those things are a little more blurred. I think it was Turgot, but it was like boys, girls unisexed. And I was like, oh, that's nice. Unisexed. But also I was like, why not just throw it all in the same, why separate it? Why have it separate at all? It's so entrenched.

It's such an old an old tradition and you like breaking down the infrastructure that keeps it in place is very i don't know it's very difficult but but but we're doing you know we're doing the work of i think people might be like well if it's not separated how do i know where to shop and i think they could just label each section hips and no hips because yes if you have hips you can just go over here if you have no hips you go over there and then shirts are just in the middle right skirts can be over there yes uh dresses can be over there blouses shirts uh yeah i'd, maybe there can be a flagship, uh, like Target that just does it like Target in San Francisco or something. Okay. Excuse me, Mr. Target.

Ding, ding. I know you reside in San Francisco. Please do what we asked. Ding, ding, dong. Um, so you dated a drag queen and can I ask being a drag queen dating a drag queen was that dude was there any like competition or was it hard or was it easy or who's to say it was great for me because we were the same size and she had a shit ton of drag so it was great for me i had no drag i you know i showed up to pittsburgh a garbage bag and, you know, and a sleeping bag.

And that was, those were my meager belongings. So I inherited a shoe collection. I had access to a full drag wardrobe. No, it was great for me. Was there competition and sort of jealousy? Was there competition and sort of jealousy? I mean, I think it really worked for us until there was, until there felt like there was, not competition, but just like, we were a support, we were a symbiotic support system. She was the star of the show i was the like sidekick and i was there to keep her the star of the show in our in our life in

our relationship in our home life in our friend like in everything and that was the dynamic and there was nothing wrong with that but once I started on my journey with like Drag Race and sort of figuring out what I wanted as far as like a career and like doing drag, then it just crumbled and disintegrated. And, you know, we started fucking around on each other. And, you know, we were also doing a lot of drugs. Oh, I do like drugs. But now we're really good friends. That's good.

Oh, I do like drugs. This isn't good drugs. This is like shitty Pittsburgh cocaine, which is basically drywall. It's drywall mixed with baby laxative. That's all it is. Well, keep you full and then you'll let it all out. I don't know what the point of it is.

It gives you the psychosomatic, like, suggestion that you can stay up later to keep drinking is really all it does. Yes, that's all cocaine does. But, like, sometimes you have, like, a beautiful conversation that you don't remember the next day. Yes. That is. Yeah. And there's the like bathroom culture of it. Yeah.

You're just like, tell me a secret before I bump. Oh, do you have keys? One of my favorite nights I've ever had was I went to go see Lady Gaga. I've ever had was I went to go see Lady Gaga and I had drank mushroom tea and then took Molly and right when it hit I think Just Dance like the beat dropped for it and I was just like oh my god and then I was like a lovely mix of the two and then I went to a diner after and my friend Mateo was like Nicole you're the funniest you've ever been. And I was like, I'm on drugs. What tour was it? Do you know?

This was Joanne. So it was nice. See, I'm not a huge Joanne fan. And I think she knew. Good night. Wait, you like Joanne? This call is over. Wait, excuse me.

Hello. Hello. Come back. No, beep, beep. Wait, excuse me. Hello? Hello, Alaska, come back. No, no, please revive the call. Where are the paddles? Yes, I like Joanne. Yes, I like cheek to cheek. Yes, I like everything that Stephanie Germanotta has ever done. Because she speaks to my soul and she has given me magic moments at time after time in my life.

So she wants to take a departure down a fucking road. I'm going to go down the road and back again. All right. Fair. I mean, it's the only album that I don't love. I love everything else. Just give it another listen.

I think you'll like it. Okay. I guess I could do that. I also didn't love art pop. Okay. Now this call is really over. No, I'm ripping off the mic pack.

You can't, you can't see this. I'm ripping off the mic pack. Don't let her leave. I love how I truly looked at my wall. Like there was a security guard. Stop. Oh God. We got to get the vaccine and we got to leave our homes. like there was a security guard there. Stop her at once!

Oh, God. We got to get the vaccine and we got to leave our homes. Oh, truly. Are you single right now or are you dating? Um, I, uh, no, I don't, I don't, I don't consider myself single at this time.

Oh, that's nice. We're not, we're not, we don't, you know, we're just really like, we're really chill about it. And he has no interest in like being in the spotlight and being, you know, being like on blast like that. So we just kind of, we just like do our, it's like Dolly Parton and her husband, you know? Like she's married, but he's not.

But yeah, you don't know who he is? You've never seen him before? I think I may have seen him before, but I'm actually not sure. What, Dolly Parton's husband? I think so, but also maybe not. So she came to a sketch show that I had done. I don't know if I've ever told this story. So her doctor's son was a writer on one of the sketch teams at the UCB theater so

we're getting ready to do our show and someone runs backstage and they're like Dolly Parton's in the audience and we were like wait what wait what this little sketch show and sure enough she was wearing I think pink a high collared V, deep V like blazer. And she was like cinched, full Dolly makeup, Dolly hair and was sitting truly directly in the middle. So like you would look into the crowd and be like, I'm staring at Dolly Parton. I hope I remember my lines. And my scene was about a woman who had the key to the condom case. And when you asked her for the key to the condom case, she'd be like, why?

Who you fucking? Who you fucking? Come on, tell me. Oh, I think I know who you fucking. Tell me. So she came backstage to meet us and was like, hey, y'all. Y'all did so good. That was so nice.

Y'all are funny. And then to me, she was like, can I get a condom? And I said, hey, y'all, y'all did so good. That was so nice. Y'all are funny. And then to me, she was like, can I get a condom? And I said, and no words, no words came out of my mouth. And she just went, uh-huh. And then posed for a picture and left. And I was like, I could have said words. And I just, I couldn't. I've never been starstruck like that.

She's everything. She is that sort of just like, she's transcended like being a person and she is an idea. I like that. She is. She is like, she is an idea. It was like an idea had just like come to life

in front of me and it was like, I don't know how to handle this. I cannot. I can absolutely not imagine speaking of handling this has nothing to do with love dating drag but have you ever had a deal with customer service at west elm what the fuck is west elm west elm is a furniture store and this woman named mora boy she was the meanest lady I've ever met in my whole dang life. West Elm. West Elm.

Is this a brick and mortar or an online establishment? It's an online establishment with several brick and mortars. It's part of the Williams-Sonoma family with Crate and Barrel as well. Okay, okay, okay, okay. And so you called someone. Yes, and I was on the phone with this man for one hour because i ordered a bed in december they delivered it january 31st i ordered it december

26 because uh you know christmas deals i saved a hundred dollars it was such a long wait so january 31st i get a phone call they're like your bed's here i said sick i get another phone call we can't deliver your bed this skews wrong and i said oh you's wrong that's what i said i said i don't understand your internal jargon what hath that means she said the numbers are different on the bed than what the bed you bought and i said but give me that bed and give someone else my the other bed and they said no we gotta take it And they said, no, we got to take it. So they took my bed. After delivering it? Well, they brought it all the way to my house. They didn't bring it inside.

And then they drove away. That is the worst. So then what? So then I'm on the phone with this man. His name's Richard, I believe. Richard was trying to help me. And Richard was like, so let me get this straight. You ordered a bed in December and you're calling now in March. And I said, sir, I'm not trying to like steal a

whole ass bed from you. That seems insane. I never thought of it. I'm not that kind of girl. And then I started crying because he didn't know if I was white or whatever, because I feel like white women tears are very, very powerful. But sometimes people assume I'm white on the phone. So I was like, I'll cry. I'll use white woman power. And then I cried. And then he was like, oh, okay, no, we'll fix this.

And I was like, wow. So then the call dropped after a full hour. I said, oh, no. No. Oh, no. Also, this is Friday night. It's getting close to 8. I got to watch Drag Race. No. Oh, no. Also, this is Friday night. It's getting close to eight. I got to watch Drag Race on the VH1 app.

So then I call back. I gather my strength, my courage. I look within my soul. I didn't know my own strength. Then Maura answers. Maura. And Maura goes, Maura. Okay.

M-A-U-R-A. That's what she said. Maura. Maura okay M-A-U-R-A that's what she said Maura and she said what's your order number and I said oh shit let me pull it up and then Maura goes do not curse at me you have two more times and I will hang up I'm allowed to do that I do not like being cursed at work

and I was like Maura I just told you I was on the phone with somebody else for an hour I am sorry I let that word slip and she's like don't let it slip again and I was like okay Maura, I just told you I was on the phone with somebody else for an hour. I am sorry I let that word slip. And she's like, don't let it slip again. And I was like, okay, Maura, what a way to start this call. And then she threw me on hold and then passed my call along. But then that lady got it done. But like, have you ever had to deal with customer service and be on the phone

for an hour? Well, I have, and I usually just get really into the music they play. I just get into it. After 45 minutes passes, it just ceases to be angry. And you're just like, this song is actually kind of good. This kind of bangs.

Mara, well, she probably, the thing is you didn't swear at her. No. You said, oh shit, let me get my. Yes. You didn't say, her you said oh shit let me let me get my yes you didn't say you're a bitch no i would never no no absolutely not but she probably gets that on a regular basis and so has a very quick like don't even start don't even go down that. Don't even. I'm guessing. Now I'm making excuses for Maura. It's okay.

Maybe Maura was going through something. And maybe I just needed to say that out loud to understand that Maura has personal problems as well. And me not getting my bed is not an actual problem for her. It's just a job. It's March. It's March 9th. And you ordered the bed December 26th. Correct.

So that is a problem. Did they figure it out? Are they sending it to you? So what they had to do was refund me my money. And then I had to place another order. And then the nice lady who was helping me was like, just so you know, your money will be refunded in five to ten business days uh but then it's a paypal transaction so you can add five business days to that and then uh there was also a credit card part to it so you can add two

business days to that and i was like so how many days will i get my money back and she was like five to ten plus seven equals two minus seven. The square root of pi is 17 million. You'll never get your money back. But then it ended up showing up immediately. So, like, it was fine. And then allegedly this bed will come at the end of March, early April. Allegedly. This is too much. It's too much.

You know, I have a similar ongoing issue with Wayfair. What happened? I'm trying to get my drag room together. We've been in a pandemic for a year. I'm finally trying. Is this your drag room that you're in? Yes. One of the drag rooms.

Every room is a fucking drag room, let's face it. But this is the primary drag room, okay? And I bought these like shelves that have like a rack and you can put like stuff on them. So that's like great for drag. And I bought two of them. Yes. And I paid extra for the express shipping. And they did not come in an express manner.

They came really, really late. And then they sent me two boxes. And then they were like, oh, but each shelf is two boxes. And these are two of the same boxes. So I had one half of each shelf for like a month. And then they sent me a third box and I'm still waiting. They still have not sent the remaining parts for the second. And how long has this been going on?

This has been going on since time immemorial because I don't feel like talking to Maura on the phone. I need to just make the phone call. You do. You got to make the phone call. It's a big step. They're not nice. They're very mean.

But you got to do it. I need the shelf. The desk that I'm sitting at right now, I ordered last year. And it just got delivered, I think, three weeks ago. I'm like, what is happening with furniture? Is there not a warehouse where furniture is? Where's it coming from? Where's furniture?

Can we just, and what other choice, what other choice do I have? Yeah, it's like, you can't, you're not going to go to a store, Pier 1 and walk around and, you know know maybe get into a fight did you see that bed bath and beyond fight wait what were they fighting over i saw it but i didn't listen to the audio i have no idea i just loved that that fucking worker lady tackled that other lady and then her other co-worker was like i got your back. And then the manager was like, I got all your backs. Get the fuck up out of my store. I was like, this is, I love it. I love it.

Bed, bath, and beyond. I'm going to go back. It's great advertising. I'm going to get me some Kiwi strawberry hand sanitizer. Okay. I'm going to smell like the farm. Aura, I'm toilet brush, ceramic toilet brush holder that's shaped like a cat. Baby, when I tell you that is the cutest product

i have been on a journey last night i couldn't sleep and i found a website that sells the most insane things you could ever think of so it started innocently with um like a life-size flamingo head that you mount to the wall so it looks like you killed a flamingo or whatever, and you mount it on your wall or your fun time. And then they had a peacock and then they had a giraffe and then they had goblins and gargoyles that you could just like hang on your wall. And then, Oh God,

it's called like dis disaronto. Sky. Hold on. I will find it for you. Cause I put it in my stories to last night at like 3 a.m i truly couldn't sleep okay well there's a website called france and son that has a life size black horse lamp that's what that looks like okay all right i need it and then this one is called design to sconto so that's the i like the flamingo that's really cute the very elliot with two t's but this is what you can also buy

a tree monster you put it on a tree and then it throws apples at you i mean it would terrify me if i ever saw it in anybody's tree but i was like maybe i'll buy it and hang it in the park and then people will be like there's a haunted tree in the park you gotta see it i love that i'll just be like teehee i did it okay real quick we have to take a break and we're back okay alaska can i ask you this so after a drag race was dating harder did you find it any harder or did you find it easier here's what i thought was gonna happen i thought okay because because sharon and i you know we were we were together for four years and then we we got on drag race and then uh then we broke up. And I thought, baby, I am a famous, gay famous person. I am newly single.

I'm going to be drowning in eligible, dateable, trade men, groupies. Like, I was, like, ready for it. It was not, I was not drowning. I was not, I was not even swimming. I wasn't even wading. You didn't even get to the beach. I didn't even, no, I didn't even get to the beach. And then it was, like, when I would, because, like, boys would want to hang out and spend time,

but then they just wouldn't be able to get a boner. Cause they'd be thinking about like, you wear it. Well, we'll be like running through their heads when we were trying to like do it. And I thought it's very, it's possible.

I'm just, I'm disgusting and ugly and a complete turnoff that the first time, then it happened again. Then it happened again. Then it happened again and it happened again then it happened again and again and again and i was like there's something going on here and then i confided in some of my other sisters from drag race this is a thing and we call them race chasers uh because they want to be close in proximity to the thing that is drag race but that's what that's all it's about

it's not rooted in like i'm actually or they're too nervous and then the the pipe the plumbing doesn't work and so that was my journey uh that i mean anytime a man or a person doesn't want to date me, I'm always like, wait, what? Why? I'm fun. I'm a great time. And then sometimes people on the internet love to go, well, that's because you're fat. And I'm like, I've seen so many fat people with babies. Like, they be fucking. That's not it. I can't. I don don't i can't fucking figure it out maybe it's they've heard me on podcasts because i i do a lot of straight male podcasts and by a lot i mean my friends the doughboys have like a ton of fans and i do their podcast occasionally and every time i go on a date with some guy they're like my favorite podcast is the doughboys and uh so maybe they're like, my favorite podcast is the Doughboys. And so maybe they're like, oh, she was so funny. And then they're like, oh, no, she's too funny. I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Are men intimidated by funny? Why would? Funny is good to me. Yeah, but I've never heard a man really describe his girlfriend as like, oh my god, I love her so much, she's so funny. Really? Not really. I, to me, sense of humor is before, like, it's before height or eye color or do you have a car and a job? Like sense of humor is literally the absolute most important thing.

To me. For me. For me too. For me. For me as well. For me. So those men do exist. Yes, but you're not looking for a lady. Well, I'm but you're not looking for a lady.

Well, I'm assuming you're not looking for a lady, right? Not at the moment. I feel like a lot of men who look for ladies aren't looking for a funny lady because if they like funny, they like being the funny one. That's the wrong kind of man. That's the wrong kind of man. The right men are out there. They are out there. Where are they?

Not in the usual places because they don't want to be in those usual places because that's where the horrible men hang out. So I don't know. I don't know how to find them. Actually go actually at a Jackie Beat show. That's where I would recommend. Okay. Honestly, I would love to meet a man at a drag show who is very comfortable with his sexuality, enjoys women, maybe likes a man every now and then.

Maybe doesn't. Who fucking cares? Right. But, like, let me put a wig on them. Essential. Security. That's all we want. Yes. That's all we want. Yes.

That's all you want. Like, I like when a man can look at another man and be like, ooh, he's cute. And, like, keep it moving. Keep it pumping. You know? Exactly. Have you done the thing? And this is something that Coco Peru told me to do.

I love Coco Peru. She's an icon you you write down and you have to write it down physically on paper no notes app or no just like mental you have to no typing you have to write it down on paper and you have to write down seven to ten qualities whatever they are that you are looking for in someone that you want to you know date or be with so it can be height it can be type of job it can be sense of humor it can be secure in manhood it can be uh size fucking 12 shoe and like anything you can be a specific it can be superficial it can be spiritual at seven to ten things write them down on a piece of paper

and then just put put that away and put that in the drawer not only do i do that every year but last year i did it every year so last year i did it and i didn't write and i didn't write emotionally available and i found a guy that I clicked with so well. And he just was not emotionally available to me. And he like checked off every single box. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. I have to be this specific. So I was that specific this year.

And on top of that, I wrote another one, put it in an envelope, addressed it to my future partner. And then I made up an address. wrote another one, put it in an envelope, addressed it to my future partner. And then I made up an address. I put a stamp on it. I took my friend, went to the post office. I made her do one too. And I mailed it to my future love. I hope someone at the post office opened it and was like, I'll manifest this for her.

So I'm trying to do everything. Okay. So you have an active list out there yes floating around all right well that's important and i think doing it wrong once is actually such a blessing because you figured out i missed one i missed an important one it's interesting every man that i've dated that i was like oh my god this is it i can't wait it's interesting. Every man that I've dated that I was like, Oh my God, this is it. I can't wait. It's only really lasted like a couple months, but it like hindsight is 2020.

And I'm like, Oh wow. That person would not be good for me. Like truly when you think about it, it's like, no, that's not, that's not good.

Right. Well, you mailed it out there. I mean, you know, mail has been really backed out it has and has been it has been we got it remember when we had to save the post office right they were trying to dismantle it so it's it's still out there it's still active have you seen the

new postal trucks no are they like the amazon trucks no they look look like Pixar cars and they have big wide windshields and they're really cute and I love them so much. Work. I just love vehicles and modes of transportation. You do? Wait, I'm going to type in new postal trucks. Trucks.

Sausage trucks? Oh, those are so cool. Right? People were shitting on them on Twitter, and I was like, guys, I want to live in a cartoon. I want to live in a very merry place where people are nice to each other and we have fun things to fucking look at. It's very Toy Story. Yes!

Very Pizza Planet. What are your plans for your drag room? I'm very into interior decorating right now. This wallpaper behind me, I hung this bitch up myself. Is it even? No. Are there bumps? Yes.

Is it textured? Absolutely not. But, you know, if you put your hands on it, yes, it is. But I did it myself, and I'm really proud of myself. So what are you going to do? That's beautiful. Is that that wallpaper that you can like peel off? It is peel and stick.

And Wayne, the man who's done my other wallpaper, who's one of my favorite people. I love him so much. We have nice conversations. He was like, the peel and stick is terrible. He's like, people who do wallpaper, we don't like it. It's too hard. And I was like, well, the paste is too hard. And he's like, no, it's not.

I can show you. And I was like, no, no. I'll just stick to this. I don't want to learn how to mix paste and shit. No. No, no, no. It seems too hard. I love that. I love the notion of the peel and stick stuff.

And Lola swears by it. And so, and your wall is beautiful. I was going to comment on it. It's of the Bobby Burke collection. I didn't know it before I bought it. And was going to comment on it. It's of the Bobby Burke collection. I didn't know it before I bought it. And then I posted it on Instagram. He was like, that's my wallpaper. And I was like, is it?

Oh, wow. Look at that. It's really sickening. I don't know what I'm doing in here. I'm trying to get things out of cardboard boxes. That's my goal. Well, are you going to paint a wall? Are you going to do wallpaper?

Have you seen Trixie's drag room? I'm sure you have. Is it pink? I don't know. Maybe. Okay. I'm going to guess. I'm going to hazard a guess.

Very, very pink. Everything. Her whole apartment's pink. All of her homes that she has bought are pink. I mean, I guess if that's your aesthetic you gotta do it gal my aesthetic is uh let's see tacky to some lovely to others but like definitely a zoo woman i have so much animal print in my house so every room has animal print i like that like i have a tiger print couch and then i have like a leopard print rug in my living room.

In my bedroom, I have leopard print little chairs for like putting your shoes on. What else do I have? In my little kitchen nook, I have a leopard print, a blue leopard print rug. In my dining room, I have leopard print wallpaper. Yeah. You should do leopard print wallpaper you like animal print i do i do dabble i really am i really do love leopard i really want to get a leopard print couch because if you spill anything on it you'll never know get one cherished you know about cherish no oh wait cherish chair chair ish yeah you could probably find it like a nice one there Get one. Cherish. Do you know about Cherish? No. Oh, wait. Cherish. Cher-ish.

Cher-ish. Yeah. You could probably find a nice one there. We want to talk to you for a second about Cherish. Cherish. This episode is sponsored by Cherish. I wish they would sponsor me. I want things.

And West Elm. Ask for Mara. Imagine this episode was sponsored by West Elm and all I did was like, they're shitty and I hate them. We had a sponsorship on the table. They pulled out. They revoked it. They said, no, thank you. We can't do this anymore. Until I come out publicly against your product. How did you figure out your drag aesthetic? I'm the Lord. job product how did you figure out your drag aesthetic well i'm uh the lord i like that your drag truly comes from the lord it reminds me of that scene in uh in sister act when they're like

so when did you get the call and she's like the call the call the call call! The call. The call. It really, I think, I was always drawing ever since I've been a child. I was always drawing like women. I would make up characters and I would make up storylines that were like soap operas and comic books and like long ongoing storylines but when it came to like drag i was like sort of drawing this woman and you know i mean she was always like running around naked and she always had like she had big dark eyes and like long flowing wild dirty hair and i was always drawing this woman and then that started to inform like what what alaska became and then i went back and i watched the movie heavy metal have you ever seen that

no it's an animated movie and it's one it's like it's like done by like seven different animators and they each get like a scene in it. But like the climactic scene is this woman and she's in space and she's in like her underwear and boots and a sword and she's riding around on a dragon. And I was like, I must have seen this as a child. Like maybe my parents put it on or something. And it imprinted on me because it literally is me. It is her. It is the thing. So it's either it comes from some divine, like we both sort of saw the same divine presence of a woman and interpreted it in our own way.

Or I just saw heavy metal as a child and stole my whole aesthetic from it i love that i when i was a little girl i loved tina turner loved loved loved loved and i had this little like uh oh i don't fisher price it was a fisher price karaoke machine it was white it had a little microphone and i maintain i got this tape from mcdonald's but i don't think i did it was a tina turner whatever uh simply the best and private dancer are on it might have been like her greatest hits at that point i don't know she's been around forever but i used to like be in my little underwear and an undershirt and in our hallway would just sing private dancer to anybody who would listen sometimes just the walls

and when i was little i used to think it was just like tina was giving her friends a private show like she's a good dancer and then i grew up and was like oh she was taking money oh she's stripping oh yes uh-huh and i feel like that has influenced a lot of my life like i was like tina's loud with a mic i want to be loud with a mic she wears wigs i want to wear w. She wears wigs. I want to wear wigs. She wears sequins. I want to wear sequins. That's amazing. Yeah.

I love Tina Turner so much. She's everything. She's so good. And she said, baby, I'm retiring. Yeah, and she said, I will not come out of retirement. I'm not doing it. No matter how much. She's married to like a billionaire or something.

So she never has to work again. And also much she's married to like a billionaire or something so she never has to work again and also she's she's old take a nap that's what i would do exactly she's an icon god bless tina turner she's so perfect and wonderful and beautiful i wish she would tour again because when her i think her last tour was wildest dreams and i remember racing home after school to see her on oprah talk about it and i was like i'll get to see my last tour was wildest dreams and i remember racing home after school to see her on oprah talk about it and i was like i'll get to see my wild or the wildest dreams tour soon and then of course it ended before like i was old enough to go to a concert by myself yeah but i have seen i think it's like live in brazil it starts during the day and it goes deep

into the night it's a great show i've seen it two times now just sitting on my couch oh tina i love her tina she's simply the best simply the best i quoted uh simply the best at my dad's funeral and all i did was just like um here's a quote that i think really describes my dad you're simply the best better than anyone better than all the rest and people they didn't clap but they were like that quote was beautiful and i was like did you not get it's tina turner it's definitely tina turner and it's kind of like tongue in cheek but also like he was the best but like i don't know people like truly didn't get that joke but most of my jokes did land that's good yeah because that's all you want to you know speak at a funeral and have your jokes land just really it's really all about is the material landing yeah yeah you gotta do a

tight five if you're meandering up there nobody's laughing people start crying you're just like oh no this is getting awkward baby fuck i know i'm very morbid but like i don't know i feel like comedy and tragedy have a very fine line right and usually i mean no i'm sure that it it did the function of like it because it's it is such a fine line and those emotions need to be released and laughter i mean yes laughter at a funeral is a is a thing that's nest that's needed i think so i told my sister i have a i have a will uh because my dad did not have a will so it made everything very hard so i was like i'll just make a will make it easy for my sister if i go before her um but i told her i was like in my will it says i

want you to take my ashes to a major airport hub and i want you to go to the departures gate of international departures and sprinkle me on the people so I can have several last trips. And she was like, I don't, I don't know. My sister's a very quiet, small woman who loves Jesus. And she was like, I don't know if I, if I could. And I was like, Oh God, I'll just, I'll change it. So you don't feel like you have to do it. So I removed it from my will. To throw the ashes onto people? Yeah, because you can't change before your flight, so I get to go on a trip. That's definitely illegal.

Oh, yeah, it's very illegal. She would go to jail. She would get tackled. Yes. By airport security. You might be able to, what if she did, like she sprinkled it on like neck pillows in the store in one of the hudson news then they'd all be going to different places oh someone listening is like

what's hudson news it's only on the coasts because i used to have a hudson news joke where i'd be like come on hudson news and it only worked on the coast when i'd be in News joke where I'd be like, come on, Hudson News. And it only worked on the coast. When I'd be in like Ohio, they'd be like, what? It's because their stores are like licensed. So it's like the Fox News store, like CNBC store. Right. Yes. Okay. Good to know.

Well. It's regional humor. Coastal listeners, that Hudson News joke was for you. And I'll tell you something. They love it. They thought it was a real treat. They tittered. Tittered is such a good word. Oh, I tittered. So,

give me this question. I ask everyone this question. Would you date me yes thank you so much that was an easy question well sometimes people say no when i first started the podcast and i was a little younger people said no a lot because they were friends who knew me in my 20s and they were like oh you were a rather scary reckless person back then and that's the person i know so i'll say hard no because you scare me uh but it's been

nice that people have been saying yes i'm in my late i'm a late age being a 47 year old woman right uh what what uh wait are you you're not really 47 I don't know how old I am. I refuse to retain the information. I know I'm somewhat in my 30s. My sister, she reminded me the other day, we were like on the phone talking about something. I was trying to do like very simple math and I made it hard by subtracting and adding numbers

that I didn't need to. And then I was like, oh, now I'm 47. Math is hard. And she's like, you're not 47. If I'm 30 i'm 30 we don't even know how old she is whatever her birthday is february 12th and i sent her flowers so i did my job i don't have to know anything else you don't have to we were watching this uh this special about only fans it was like an abc news like i watched it with that straight man who poses for the gays. Yeah. Fabulous.

Great. I love him. The woman who was on there, she was like, yeah, I've won awards in the MILF category for porn. And then it was like. She didn't look old. Her age, 36. And I was like, I literally just turned 36 two days ago. And I was like, I'm a MILF.

I'm a MILF. Which which is fine that's fine you're not a milf you're a young supple woman if you liked that documentary you're gonna like a and e's sex for sale or no untold story sex for sale it is is about niche sex workers. So there's a straight male escort. There is a escort who specializes in lactation. Lactasia. Yeah, so her clients suck on her titties and she gives them the milk.

I love how you spelled that out for me. Yeah. So this is how the transaction goes. She says, hop on this titty and get the milk. There's another one who sells every facet of her life, like use socks, use underwear, foot shavings. And she like steps on cakes and stuff. And then there was one more that i cannot remember but it was like really interesting and i think really well done

i okay a and e i'll check that one out i'm obsessed with sex work i think it's really interesting that people shit on it so much but like a lot like a lot of the people who shit on it are consuming it that's tea and it really is it really is god's work because one of the true like healing things in this world is like physical touch yes and and so people who are sex workers are doing such an important job and there's no protection from our government. There's no recognition from our government. There's like, you're, you're breaking the law if you're doing this,

which is just, it's got to change. It's got to be destigmatized. It's got to be supported. It's also so curious to me because like, why not make, I know sex, sex workers don't want it legalized they want it decriminalized okay i'm like love and i don't understand like the ins and outs of it because uh

everything's complicated but fully i'm like the government is dumb because these are taxable incomes and i'm and i know sex workers do not want to be taxed and that's like one of the reasons why they don't want it legalized i think that's one of the reasons but I'm like same with weed like it's not legal at a federal level but we could be collecting federal taxes on those sales so I'm like why because of your personal beliefs are you not like you guys like they like money we have to pay taxes every fucking year like you want more money that's a way to get more money the governmental system in america is a slow and antiquated piece of machinery she sure is it is wild it's so wild how shit happens like the whole voting for like raising a minimum wage i'm like why is that a government thing

if the if the the value of the dollar has changed minimum wage should change with the value of the dollar period right like that's just logical also i think i'm a socialist because i'm like i think there should be a salary cap i don't think anyone should make a billion dollars i think once you hit the cap you have to redistribute that wealth back to your workers who are doing the work for you in order to be a billionaire holly and i don't understand why people are like no the people at mcdonald's flipping my burger should make a penny and i'm like but why but why why do you care why do you care if the person serving you french fries makes a living wage or like doesn't make a living wage like why do you want that? Yeah, why? Why, why, why?

The only caste system should be in the sky. Never get rid of first class. We should live in a society without classes. That's from Seinfeld. Except on an airplane. Let me sit in the front and give me champagne. Tea. Okay, Alaska, I I'm gonna let you go I could talk to you for hours I truly adore you I think you're so fun I think you're funny I really love that you did this pageant I think it's just like when I saw it in 2019 I thought it was like

really magical and then this year I thought it was even more magical because the queens just had time to like showcase exactly what they wanted to do when there was editing involved and then the people watching were so into it you and lola did such a nice job is lola your drag daughter she's not my drag daughter she's my drag sister oh i see i see i see i don't i don't take claim for bringing her into the world. Do you have any children? Well, I am in the MILF category, so yes, I do. Well, I consider Nebraska Thunderfuck to be my daughter. Yes, yes, yes. Or at least a franchisee of the Thunderfuck family.

the thunder family um and you know they're they're they're you know i i like i spawn it's like spawning okay fair yeah maybe one day i'll get a little drag daughter you should that be sickening it'd be so weird they'd be like so what are you teaching me i'm like nothing nothing then be yourself nigga it'd be so weird they'd be like so what are you teaching me i'm like nothing nothing well alaska thank you so much for doing this i very much appreciate you of course i appreciate you so much thank you if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And if you send me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. And also you can email me.

I have an email. I probably it's bacon can save a gmail dot com. But please stop signing me up for Banana Republic. Friends and family. I don't shop there. No need to sign me up at a dealership. I don't need a car in texas but uh here's what this nice person wrote for me i want to spray you with a fire hose with the hope

that you will squirt and spray me back i will play with your itty bitty titties they are really small smack your fat ass and we make sweet, sweet love for exactly 41 minutes and 19 intense minutes. Or no, 41 minutes and for 19 intense minutes, I'll spray whipped cream into your no-no zone and go to town. No, you lost me on the whipped cream. I'm going to get a yeasty. And it starts to smell almost immediately. Oh, really? It starts to smell like sour milk because that's what it is

and it's being heated up by a human body. So if you like the smell of lukewarm dairy products, do that whipped cream fucking... I don't want to. Shannon Elizabeth. Who was the actress who did... Shannon Elizabeth in American Period? Yeah, no.

Don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Shaving cream's probably better in the same effect. Wait, does she have whipped cream in American Pie? What am I thinking? She does it in something. No, it's Varsity Blues? Mm, mm-hmm.

Because I'm thinking of Not Another Teen Movie where Chris Evans does it. And Not Another Teen Movie would not get made right now, but I maintain it's still very funny. That's fierce. Problematic, but funny. That guy on that documentary about OnlyFans should do the whipped cream gag.

Yes, he should. Premium content. Also, that woman, I was glad that they showed a black woman. The black woman was open about how much money she made. And I was like, $10,000 in a month from just from twerking? From twerking. Sign me up.

But I twerk bad. I don't have rhythm and people love to call me out on it. It's not nice. I have to let you go. Alaska, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Bye. Bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna

Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.